(in which we have a clumsy stumbling of illusions)
"Hey, hey, hey!" Reimu held up her arms, marching towards Sakuya. "No stabbing! We requested him for a reason, you know."
"As funny as that'd be," Marisa half-grins, "We ki~nda need him, fer now. Sorry, ze."
...Sakuya lowers her knives from my face. "I was only scaring him, anyway. If I had stabbed him, it would be with danmaku."
...Phew.
"Are them pads danmaku, too?" Marisa fully grins. "Haha- oompf!"
A stream of danmaku knives fly into her stomach, forcing her to fall backwards onto her ass.
"Sit down." Sakuya disappears.
...Marisa pouted, slowly getting back up.
Reimu sighed. "You deserved that, you know. What even made you think to do that?"
"...I wasn't?" Marisa grinned again.
Reimu nodded. "Of course."
"As expected." Patchouli monotoned from her desk. "In any case, as stated previously, Mima is currently traveling alongside the Sanzu River."
Insta-death river! No~pe. Not havin' any of that, yo.
"She seems to have attracted a small band of youkai to assist her, with whatever she's trying to do." Patchouli tilts her head. "These youkai include wolf humanoids, dark magi, and fluffles."
...Wolfmen, dark mages, and fluffles.
"Fluffles." Reimu echoes.
Marisa snorts. "Fluffles?"
"...Fluffles." Patchouli stares back down at a large tome on her desk. "The dark magi are weak. Marisa can deal with them. Hakurei, you can seal the wolves, and the fluffles… should be of no concern."
...I feel like that last part won't go so right, just because that's how fluffles are. Then again, Reimu and Marisa are freakin' burly.
Patchouli's gaze shifts to me. "You cannot participate in the combat."
No~ problem! "But can I participate… in the wombats?"
...
"You are, however, to assist the Hakurei and Marisa in any way possible, beforehand." She instructs me, ignoring my previous statement.
Wait, yo, woah. "Wha- yo. Hey. He~y."
…"This is the part where I make a counter argument that involves the fact you're trying to live here." Patchouli rolls her eyes. "They don't bite. At the most, they'll send you shopping at the human village."
Da~h, the human village ain't doin' so hot, right now…
"I already did my shopping." Reimu declares. "...Unless you need something, Marisa?"
She nodded. "Yeah, I'll be needin' some potions, and stuff. Better safe than sorry, yeah?"
Reimu jerked her head back. "...That's unlike you."
"Well, y'know, dark mages. They like their life sappin', mana sappin', sappy sap shit… and, I guess I like coming prepared, once in awhile." She begrudgingly admitted.
Reimu smiles. "If only you'd plan like this more often."
"If only you thought." Patchouli jabbed. "Today was surely a miracle."
Marisa grins at her.
"...It still doesn't explain why you took two days just to get here for me to contact you. This matter is important." Patchouli's expression shifts, appearing slightly cross. "The whole point of the scouting system was not only to obtain information at all, but also to transmit it swiftly. Swift transmission is impossible without cooperation."
Marisa's expression deflates a bit.
Reimu moves to complain, but I step in! "Patchy, you shoulda like, added a little lightbulb that blinks. Like… yo."
...She stares at me vainly. "If I could have, I would."
Oof.
Reimu proceeds to complain, anyway. "Look, I was busy. I-"
"I'm sure." Patchouli spoke over her. "See to it that your punctuality improves, hmm? Though I may not be able to enforce it, I am still able to at the very least provide criticism."
I'm getting annoyed on Reimu's behalf, here, yo.
"..." Reimu glares at her, and turns to walk away. Then, she stumbles a bit.
"Oi, oi…" Marisa moves to her side. "Don't go flyin' off, now. I toldja we're stoppin' here, didn't I?"
...Reimu gives her a stare, but then lets out a consenting sigh. "I guess…"
The two walk off to find some guest rooms, and things. I see Sakuya appear to show them to them.
...Patchouli closes her tome. "I'll be to dinner, then. Do what you will."
Aw, du~de! Dinner with Patchy-chan! Yea~h!
She gets up to float away, and I subtly, not-so-subtly, begin to follow her. She doesn't notice either way.
...The halls go easy on her, too. Fookin'...
It's not long before we reach the dining halls. On entry, I notice a peculiarly high amount of fairy maids. Like, a lot. They actually ate organized meals, sometimes? Huh…
Sma~sh!
"Noo~! That was mine!" A fairy maid shouted, with particular venom.
Komi stood, and propped a leg on the table. "No one cares it was yours. This side of the table belongs to me."
Across the table, a short, pastel blue-haired fairy maid tapped her fingers on the table, appearing annoyed. Koi was hugging her from behind, whispering sweet nothings into her ear.
"You're fucking cute!"
...It was more like shouting. I'll give her the benefit of the doubt, and assume she was only shouting because of the volume.
A certain scarlet-haired fairy maid, the one I just discombobulated, crawled from under the table, and climbed up the short fairy maid's lap. "You're my fuckmuffin, now…"
Okay, maybe not organized…
Also… fuckmuffin. I dunno whether that's actually lewd, or just hilarious. Or both.
Patchouli sighed. "Grea~t…" She noticed them, too. It'd be pretty hard not to!
Floating over the crowd of fairy rabble, Patchouli seemed to ponder her next course of action…
However, I was here to save the day! Or, y'know… try!
The short maid gave a worried glance at Patchouli, seemingly the only one phased by the threat of extermination by magi. She pulled herself from the lustful maids with ease, and seemed to appear worried…
"...I'll just go get something from the kitchen." Patchouli decides, floating down to the kitchen door.
Da~w… No dinny wit' Patchy?
No din-din wit' Patchy…
The short fairy maid seems to relax… Hmm.
...I glance at Komi again, and she's actively using a large, french bread to beat challengers over the head with.
Reminds me of my school lunch room-
Pi~chun!
Except homicide is legal!
...I look around, and I see some yellow-haired bugger not-so-subtly strafing towards me with a waffle iron. I think it's Yellow-chan, the bastard.
...I let her get close, and I draw Swift Brand. "Homicide's legal against everyone except me, friend."
Clang! Our weapons of choice meet!
"You…!" It's not healthy to hold grudges, Yellow-noob!
Clang! Clonk!
Our fight ends abruptly, when Ha-chan suddenly impales her in the back with a kitchen knife.
"Aa~aaagh…!" Yellow-chan begins to slide to her feet, only making it worse, the knife sliding up her back...
Pi~chun!
Ho~ly shit!
"Brad-ku~n!" She smiles widely, bounding towards me with open arms. That'd normally be charmin' and cute 'n' all, but… kitchen kni~fe!
"Yo, yo, where'd you get that?" I hold out a hand to stop her, and point at her knife with the other.
...She blinks. "The kitchen?"
Freakin'... "Why're you usin' it!?"
Ha-chan smiles. "O~h, Brad-kun. It's dinner time!"
Don't say that to me while you're holding a knife!
She's forced to flinch, after a navy-blue haired fairy maid follows Komi's example and whacks her with a french bread. "Gnh…!"
Whirling around, she goes to maul the maid…
Everything quickly devolves into even more chaos. Like, now it's not just 'begrudging eating while fucking with your neighbors', it's, uhm…
Fairies are surrounding me, and they're lifting their chairs…! I'm outta options, I gotta jet, yo!
I leap onto the table, and start running across it. Other maids follow my example, and within moments, segments of the table begin crashing down, caving in, or outright being destroyed.
"Wooaa~hohooaa~h!" I contribute to the noise!
"St-stop pulling my hair!"
"En garde!" That's Komi, with her bread…
"Aauuugh…!" The short, pastel blue-haired one clonked Koi on the head with a chair.
I leap from the table near the short blue one. Miyako- the scarlet-haired one- takes notice of me and makes herself scarce, slinking into the shade under the table…
Before I can make it to the kitchen door, the short fairy maid grabs my arm and- yo~! That grip…!
She whirls me around, and glares into my eyes. Her eyes are red, her skin's pale, she's… got fangs…
I think we have ourselves a spy.
"What the-!? I mean… What's going on here?" She asks me. Is she trying to maintain her cover?
"Knight of the wi~nd!" I exclaim, and exert mana into Swift Brand…!
Fwoosh!
Various fairy maids around us are flung away, but the one before me doesn't falter at all. Yeah, that confirms it…
The 'fairy maid' just glares at me. I wanna know where she got those fake fairy wings from…
"Well, friend, there's-"
Shink!
Ha-chan shoves a knife into the 'fairy maid'. Pumping it into her back, she tries to grapple the faux fairy maid…
The short fellow just turns around, grabs Ha-chan with both arms, and simply moves them both into her torso.
Cr-cra-krik!
Pi~chun!
Ha-chan just got mangulated.
...The 'fairy maid' drew the knife from her back, and tossed it away. Then, with a flaring expression, she hissed her words through her teeth. "What's going on, here…?"
Uhm… "Ha-chan spoke as if this was a regular thing. Dinner battle royales, that is."
…
Komi leapt to my aid, striking the short 'maid' with the french bread.
Thwack!
The bread broke over her head.
…
"A-ah… Heheheh…" Komi backed away sheepishly, only to be assaulted by her challengers from before. "Oh- hey! Shit, no! Fu- ow! Ow! You- aa~h!"
"He~re I thought it was that thief, or maybe the miko, or maybe Patchy was having a bad day, or F-Flan was-was…!" The girl's nails extended, and her eyes began to glow. "But no~! It was just my… utterly retarded staff!"
She was shouting, at this point. The fairy maids slowly ceased fighting, as her volume increased.
...Then, she sighed. "...An entire year of unacceptable, unexplained damages… up until this point. I should have figured, that it was around Sakuya's nap time, that this would happen..."
Sakuya's nap time? She takes regular naps?
...Fairy maids begin moving to the doors of the room. The kitchen door opens-
Slam. Slam.
Metal bars extend down from the tops of the doors, sealing the rooms from usage. Patchouli stands at the other side of the kitchen door, huffing. "Honestly…"
The short, angry 'fairy maid' discards her disguise, by spreading her real wings.
Slam-slam-slam-slam!
The windows have the metal bar things, too! Sh-should I be in here…?
Two large bat wings. Remilia floats into the air, clad in maid getup…
"...Some stress relief seems to be in order." She smirks. "I will toy with you, yet."
…Pushing past numerous frozen and terrified fairy maids, I run up to the wall beside the kitchen door, and begin chipping away at it with Swift Brand. Patchouli looks from the bars at me. "...That's nice."
I grin at her. "What's the point of walls, if they can be made into doors, yo?"
"Normally one expects the guests to be civilized enough to not mine through walls with plant hangers." Patchouli stares up at Remilia. "...I cannot say I blame you, in this instance."
A beam of light engulfs Remilia. Within it, she turns into a flock of bats.
On the far end of the room, near the windows, the beam of light appears again, and the bats float down into it.
"I will give you all a fighting chance." Remilia declares. "I will be on the floor, to start with. If you think you can defy me, this is your chance."
...Most of the fairy maids appear to want no part of it, scrambling for the doors, windows, or walls. Few bother with the kitchen door, noticing Patchy there.
Which is koo, 'cause this means I shouldn't be in the crossfire the entire time. Chipping away at the wa~ll…!
"Here!" Remilia raised her left wing.
Fwoom!
Three fireballs flew from the length of her wing.
Pi~chun! Pi-Pi~chun!
Considering the density of fairy maids, that accuracy was a given. Remilia was pretty much goin' full Dracula on her staff!
"...I considered vaporizing them." Patchouli shook her head. "I didn't want to damage the dining room, however. It seems like it will be damaged anyway, unfortunately."
Speaking of, I'm doin' jack shit to this wall… I draw Tundra Bloomer, instead. S'kinda important I get out of here, pronto!
I buff myself with the hanger's magic, and begin wailing at the wall.
Bam!
Dayum, that's a lot better…
I heard Remilia turn into a flock of bats, again. She eventually touched down somewhere near-ish to me, but not really. The fairy maids had gathered into the middle of the room, using the table segments as blockades. Some were trying to fashion ranged weapons of some sort, it seemed. Out of freakin' forks and spoons.
"Alright, you little assholes!" Komi leapt from the barricade on a steed! Said steed was a fellow fairy maid, which she had apparently domesticated, for the time being. "Cha~rge!"
Holding their breads like jousts, more fairy maids followed Komi's example and took towards Remilia, arcing out from the central barricade…
"Here's power!" Remilia grins, spreading her right wing outward.
Large, thick, glowing orbs of magma floated outwards. They hurtled slowly towards the maids, who attempted to joust through them…
Pi-Pi-chu-Pi-Pi-Pi~chun!
Whelp, there goes the cavalry. Also, Remilia's totally ripping off Dracula. I know so, because otherwise she'd be using scarlet orbs.
I also played Castlevania! But, the real question is, has she? Hmm...
...The magma balls hit the wall, and explode into flames. The flames quickly go out, presumably controlled by Remilia herself.
She becomes a flock of bats again, the pillars of dim light she generates signalling where she'll land next. The fairy maids don't seem to be thinking that far ahead, though, some of them looking all over the entire battlefield for her. Even though, y'know… the bats only fly one way.
Bam! Bam! Bo~ng…
I got through the wall, and hit the back of what I think is a stove, or something! Or the fridge… or a dish washer.
Freakin' appliances.
Remilia snapped her fingers. "Fatal Ray!"
I looked, and saw multiple green lasers shoot up to the roof of the dining room. Twirling around in the air, they eventually came down on the fortification all at once.
Pi-Pi-Pi~chun!
The tables started falling over, panicked fairy maids scrambling for the exits with renewed vigor. A few fairy maids rushed Remilia with their fork-and-spoon spears, but Remilia simply sighed, and vanished into a flock of bats, again.
Bo~ng, bo~ng, bo~ng…!
Get outta the way, you stupid dishwasher! Your dishwashing days are over!
Remilia reformed in the middle of the fort, surprising the fairy maids. A few surrounded her, armed with plates, while others sported utensils and chairs… or, at least, chair pieces.
Surprisingly, Namori was the first to act! She had a frying pan in one hand, and a round pot top in the other. "Die, Mistress! You don't belong in this dining room!"
Remilia snorted. "Oh? Do tell, then… whom does it belong to?"
"Th…" Namori felt the words die in her throat. Shaking her head, she continued. "The fairies! The ones… the ones you enslaved! This was ours!"
...Remilia shook her head, smiling. "Silly fairy. I will remember your courage… however, I grow bored of your… lacking resistance. Were I an intruder, this would have been easy, vampire or not."
Tensing up, Namori braced for an attack…
It never came.
"Now, shall we go for the finale?"
Oh, boy.
Remilia curled herself up protectively with her wings, leaving only her head exposed. "Hooo~h…!"
The entire room begins shaking. I hear the appliances in the other room rattle, while Patchy nearly loses her balance, until she switches to floating.
"...Good luck." She floats off, leaving me in the room. Freakin'...!
I give that dishwasher hell!
Bam! Bam! Bam!
I channel mana into the Tundra Bloomer, and slam it into the floor…
Kri~ng!
A small spike of ice slides from the floor, displacing the dishwasher. Yeah!
I attack it once more-
Thud. It fell out of the way.
Time to get the fuck outta here!
I take one last glance at Remilia…
Namori was the only fairy left attacking her, the others having dropped their weapons and hid under various pieces of debris. Others just hid under each other, or hugged one another.
"Now is the time of your demise!" Remilia whirled into the air, her wings glowing a bright, vibrant red.
Nope, nope, nope, nope!
I ran out of the room, and feverishly raced across the kitchen. I opened the door on the other side…
"Scarlet Gensokyo!"
I slam the door behind me!
…
Ducking around the wall, I sigh...
...
Everything shook. I slide onto my back, and vibrate around a little…
…
A door slammed open, and Marisa looked out. She had yellow pajamas on! "Wha~t the hell's goin' on around here, ze!? Wuh-we under attack!?"
Her gaze locks on me. I wave.
"...'Sup?" Marisa tiredly stares me down.
"Remilia versus fairy maids, the great bum brawl." I explain.
She instantly perks up. "Oo~h!? This, I gotta see, ze!"
The kitchen door opens again, and Remilia walks out.
"...Oh. S'it over, already?" Marisa slowly begins to look tired, again…
"Mmhm." Remilia nods. "The maids needed a reminder who was in charge, around here. I believe it was rather educational, myself."
"Awwhh…" Marisa slowly closed the door, slinking back into her room.
Nuggets.
...Remilia looks to me, and grins. "So, how was that?"
"Freakin' terrifying." I admit. "Hell in a cell."
She seems pleased by that description. "Mmm… Those were simply the abilities I use to toy with my prey, as well. They… entertain me."
Freakin', yo. Moves from the big D himself.
"...Come. You're not tired yet, are you?" Remilia motions for me to follow her.
Sure, yo.
Walking along with her, I decide to probe her for the informations!
"What's the name of the thing where you shoot three fireballs?" Should be Hellfire…
"Hellfire." Remilia smirks. "It's a rather simple skill, really, which commands forth the flames of hell to do my bidding."
Actually, by 'my bidding', she means 'shoots three fireballs in a predictable wall', but, yeah. You probably don't need much else to get milage out of hellfire…
"What about the one where you shot the big magma boo~mbs, yo!?" I stagger around with my arms spread, emphasizing their size.
Remilia giggles. "That move is-" Dark Inferno. "-Dark Inferno." I'm a freakin' Castlevania nerd, yo! What can I say!?
I'd ask her if she knew what the 'Vampire Killer' was, but I don't want my head on a Gungnir.
...I'd also ask about the third one, but she literally said the name in there, so~...
She continues to describe Dark Inferno. "It's a lot like Hellfire, except bigger."
Yeah, pretty much.
...Actually… "Are the fairies actually enslaved?"
Remilia shakes her head. "Nope. They make good decoration, though. When they're not trashing the decorations, that is."
Oh. "What was Namori on about, then?"
Remilia shrugged. "Maybe she feels enslaved? Hmm. It's of no concern to me, anyhow. Maids come and go. We actually do have a cap to the maids we hire. Too many maids is too many mouths to feed, and too many little liabilities running around. Two hundred is enough, in my opinion."
Two hundred. Sheiut, man.
Also, I wouldn't put it past Namori to feel enslaved. She sends some funky mixed signals, now and again...
Sakuya suddenly appears! "Mistress! The dining room-"
"I know already, Sakuya. It is no fault of yours. Your assistance down there, however, would be appreciated." Remilia informs her. "...You may spend the rest of this evening relaxing."
Sakuya blinked. "O-oh… Yes, Mistress. Will there be anything else?"
I raise a hand. "I would like a fluffernickel."
…
"No, Sakuya. Rest well." Remilia waved her off.
Sakuya promptly vanished.
…
"What in blazes is a fluffernickel?" Remilia furrows her brows at me.
I shrug.
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
At Remilia's room, we sit around a tea table!
Remilia sips from some tea that just happened to be there. Yo ho ho…
I have tea in front of me, too! I take a sip…
Iron! She didn't plan to give me different tea, apparently. Oh, well. If I get HIV, I'm pretty sure there's someone I can go to to sue her. Like… Yama 'n' Sons incorporated, yo.
Remilia looks at me. "So~... I haven't observed you in some time. What unspeakable nonsense did you get into in these past few weeks? Aside from that thing with the Yama. I'd rather you never spoke of that to anyone."
Da~h… "I remade Marisa's shack out of ice blocks, yo."
Remilia nods. "Sure."
Wow, that was less of a story than I anticipated! "I went to heaven, yo."
"...How?" Remilia tilted her head. "I don't think you're that good at flying…"
"I died." My shake my head, acting only mildly disappointed. "I-I just couldn't keep my hit points from hitting a negative value, dude…"
...She just gives me a patient stare.
"I made a rocket yo." Dying should be an acceptable story, yo. "Like, fwshoo~! Kaboom! Yo~!" To demonstrate, I made my hand soar through the air above my head! Then, I crashed it into the table, shaking it lightly.
"...I see." She sips her tea again. "Have you become better at combat? I would've prepared your favorite three rabble rousers to fight, but I'm afraid I killed them."
You may have killed them. Just maybe! "I guess, yo. I got more stuffs and things!"
"Mmm." Remilia stands up, and walks towards the center of the room. "Show me."
Please, no. "Wat."
She grins. "Go ahead, show off. You can't hurt me… unless you use water, so don't."
Should I bother with Youkai Inconveniencer, then? If I did, I wouldn't use it on he~r…
I'm also a little too lazy for this, this late in the evening, bu~t I'll do the things anyway!
Let's go down the list, here… "Tundra Bloomer!" I bring out my ice, earth, hammer… thing! "I can do ice and earth stuff with it, and hit things really hard!"
"I'll be the judge, of that." Remilia folds her arms. "Hit me, as hard as you can."
Da~h… "If you say so, friend…"
I pump myself up, and near Remilia…
I've got a bad feelin' about this, yo.
Lift it overhea~d, and…!
I bring it down.
Bam!
…
Remilia doesn't react at first, as I bring it from her head. Then, she slowly crouches, reaching for her forehead… "O-ouch…"
U~h…
…
She stands up straight, again, grinning. "...Pleasantly surprising. You caught me off guard."
Ho ho! For my next act, I bring out…
"The Market Gardener." I introduce it! "It deals critical hits!"
Remilia is perplexed. "Critical? In what way?"
...Hmm. Good question. "...They're critical." I helpfully explain.
"...I see." Remilia is unimpressed. "Well, show me, then."
But! "But!" I held a finger up… "It only works if I'm blast jumping."
"Oh?" She raises a brow. "That seems… surprisingly convenient."
Wait, really? "I break my legs like, nearly every time."
Remilia has a moment of realization. "Oo~h, right, human. I forgot how fragile you were."
Pffft.
I pull out the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber, dual wielding the hangers!
"Aa~h, I remember that one. It was annoying." She notes. "Bee-seventeen bomber, was it? Named after the war plane?"
I turn to her as I walk towards the door. "Bee~Sheventee~n Baaww~mber!"
"That's why it was annoying." She folds her arms. "I'm not doing that again."
I reach the door! "Alright, yo… Let's do this!"
Turning around, I crouch, and jump!
I strike the door.
Boom!
Too fast, too fast, too- Oof.
I soared into Remilia's bed.
...Clambering out of it and messing up the pristine covers, I notice her stare at me in disatisfaction.
I raise my hands defensively. "Hey, yo. Rocket-propelled me ain't so accurate."
"Apparently so. Try not to inflict any… permanent damage upon anything. Including yourself, but I wouldn't mind." Oh, you and your blatant disregards for my personal well-being…
Take two! Crouch, jump, strike-
Boom!
Yo-waa~h!
Cla~ng!
I hit the ceiling with the Market Gardener to stop myself from hitting it, and knocked a whole chunk off. Yo…
Dropping and nearing Remilia, I bring down Market Gardener on her shoulder!
Bam!
"Tch…!" Remilia moves to grab her shoulder slightly, but stops. Then, I crash into the floor, even with the momentum expended by the strikes.
"Oof."
…
"Huh. That was almost a punch." Remilia slowly grins. "I'm impressed. Provided, it takes an incredibly convoluted ritual to perform, but I'd say it's a vast improvement over your foolish squabbling only days ago."
Woo.
And now, I need bed, because I am dead inside.
"Now… what's next?" Remilia claps her hands together.
Bed.
I turn around, walk over to her bed, and flop over.
…
"Get up." Remilia commands me. "Get. Up."
...She walks over to the bed, but I'm already freakin' zonked.
"...Rise." She beckons me.
No response.
"Arise."
…
"Mobilize."
…
She picks me up, and drops me on the floor. "Oo-oof…"
"I wasn't done with you." She informs me. "You will not rest until I am done with you."
...I roll under her bed.
Sighing, she crouches to try and look at me…
I've already repositioned myself to grin at her. Some fluffles under the bed join me, too. "Hi, friend. I'm a snugglepuss."
…
"Fine." She waves me off. "I will return when you awaken. If you do not spend this time sleeping, you will be spending this time wishing you were sleeping."
That's true in more ways than one!
With that, Remilia moves to leave the room. The large door clicks once she's gone.
…
I get out from under the bed, and throw myself onto it. Rip, me.
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
Exactly eight hours later, I am dropped on the floor in the dining room. Fluffles that had clung to me scurry off of me, and start exploring…!
"Aah…" I groan. "Who turned on the pain…?"
Remilia smirks down at me. "I did. Now get up."
What a world, where you get roused by angry vampire lolis who want you to show them your colorful plant hangers…
Marisa, Reimu, and Sakuya are apparently gathered around at a fragment of what used to be the dining table, eating breakfast. Well, Sakuya wasn't eating breakfast, I suppose. More like attending to the operation of breakfast. Also, repairs.
"Yo, last night, we missed Remilia kickin' everyone's ass!" Marisa exclaimed. "The entire mansion shook, ze!"
"Mmm…" Sakuya hummed in displeased agreeance.
"I didn't notice anything..." Reimu stretched. "...They keep the beds really fluffy, around here."
One of the fluffles that escaped my clutches moved to the table, and started climbing Marisa's leg. Marisa leaned down, and picked it up… "In more ways than one, ze…"
Fluffles are the hotel bedbug of Gensokyo. Except they're big, and huggable. And sometimes sniffable, but your milage may vary…
Ridding myself of morning fatigue, I draw Youkai Inconveniencer! "I present to you the holy holiness of holy!"
Remilia takes one glance at it, and scoffs. "...What an ugly thing."
"S'all about the gaudiness, baby! Youkai don't wanna so much as touch me with this thing around." I brag, spreading my arms out to emphasize my point.
"Only the natural response." Remilia folds her arms. "...Well, don't wait for me, then. Show me what it can do."
I flail it around like a whip, and nearly hit myself in the head. I'm not good with flails, despite how good I am at flailing wildly!
...I glance at the unamused Remilia. "Alright, yo, here…"
I make a bright flash!
Fwaa~sh!
"Gh… Who turned on the sun!?" Marisa complains.
"Mmrgh…" Reimu grunts in mild annoyance, inhaling her breakfast…
…
I rub my eyes as my vision returns. Remilia is slightly more frazzled and poofy than before, but otherwise unaffected.
She grumbles. "...Put that thing away."
Not a big fan of the holy magic, huh? I figured as much…
I draw Flame Salvo. "It's this thing, yo, except it burns people."
A dry stare emanates from Remilia.
"...Better than before, anyway!" Eheheh…! "Like, yo-"
Fwoo~m!
A jet of flames reaches out, and passes through Remilia.
Sakuya, who was keeping a watchful eye on us, stands up. "Mistress!"
"It is fine, Sakuya." Remilia holds up a hand, as her clothes begin to burn. "...On second thought, could you put me out?"
Sakuya appears next to her, with a bucket of water.
"N-not with water!" Remilia almost smacks the bucket out of her arms, before backpedaling.
Appearing again, Sakuya holds an oversized paper fan. She begins fanning Remilia, which just makes the fire bigger.
Remilia sighs, and turns to me… "You. Can't you control your own flames?"
I shake my head. "That'd be too useful, yo. Too useful."
"...It seems I must do everything myself." Remilia spins in place, and in moments, the flames extinguish.
Sakuya seems crestfallen. "...My sincerest apologies, Mi-"
"Nonsense. It was foolish of me to request such a task." Remilia smiles. She looks down at her singed shirt, which now exposed her belly. "...I may be in need of another dress, however."
"Naa~h. That looks suits ya!" Marisa leaves the table fragment to approach us. "Hehehe!"
Remilia pauses, and looks down. "D-does it, now…?"
Sakuya counters Marisa, "No, it-" She realizes she'd be offending Remilia, "I mean, it does- but, ah…"
has encountered a fatal error!
I give a thumbs up! "Perfect. Elegant. Audacious, yo. You're one bold mama!"
Remilia's stare becomes dry, again. "I'm not a mother."
...I'm tempted to say 'not yet you aren't', but that might uh, be just a little too far…!
Reimu seems to have finished her pancakes. Standing, she nears us, as well… "You wanted to go to the town, today, Marisa?"
Marisa nods. "I'm gonna need some potions if we're gonna beat up teach. She's a real asshole."
Yeah, she kinda is.
"I'm comin' with ya, yo." I raise my hand. "That village… I think I gots myself some business in it."
After consideration, I have determined that I am not the man it wants, but I'm the man it needs, yo.
Remilia snorted. "You? Business? Let me guess… you've found someone to bum off of? Either that, or you're working for a real house."
I shake my head. "No, yo. I'm gonna build a wall." Make the Human Village great again!
"...Oh." She gives me a curious stare.
I dunno where Keine went, I dunno what's with the purple-haired floozie, and I dunno what's goin' on down there. If no one else is gonna step up to see what the hell's gone wrong- other than political corruption- then I'm gonna step forth, yo!
"Mmm." Reimu hums. "Good plan. You do that, while me and Marisa actually prepare."
Reimu floats towards the dining room's window, and opens it. "We need to hurry. Patchouli said we didn't have much time."
"Yea~h, we're gonna hafta jet." Marisa hopped onto her broom, and took off after Reimu.
Sha~tter!
...She took one of the unopened windows.
...Guess I'm flyin' there myself, then!
Remilia sighed. "...Sakuya, go with him."
Sakuya was unamused. "Surely?"
"Surely. We need construction materials, do we not? You could always go yourself, if you want." Remilia offered her maid, offhandedly.
Sakuya vanishes.
...Grinning, Remilia turns to me. "Well, then. Unless you'd like to stay here, you might wish to get moving."
Actually… that gives me an idea…
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
I barge into the library! "Woaa~h, oaa~h, ooaaa~h!"
Patchouli snaps at me. "Why are you here again!?"
"I need arms!" I tell her. "My arm's're gone!"
She still looks pissed. "...Please, do not remind me of that fairy."
Alright, real plan. "I'm planning to liberate the human village from itself! Don't ask, yo… it's a long story."
She blinks. "...Hmm. If you really are, that'd be amusing enough. Unfortunately, I don't have anything for you."
You freakin' noob. "...Spells? Magics? Anything…?" I shrug sheepishly…
She shakes her head, moving to sit down. "Busy. Here…" She lifts one of those fluffy dusters from under her desk, and tosses it to me. "There. Now, go."
...She gave me a-a freakin' wiffle duster. "Thanks, friend. With this sword, I will run into the heat of day!"
I move to dash out of the library, and Koakuma passes me. She turns to me, grinning. "Oo~h! It's you!"
I spread my arms! "Yeah! It's me!"
"I'm horny!" Koakuma exclaims. "Do something!"
"Fuu~ck that…" I turn away from her, shaking my head…
"...Hmph. Didn't think it'd work, anyway…" Koakuma turns away.
Well, that was abrupt!
...
Succubi are a big no-no. That does make me wonder, though, could you have sex with one if you were already dead? Are zombies exempt? Or, do succubi feed directly on the soul? Hmm...
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
I have organized a village liberation armada.
Outside the manor, I stand upon a table fragment!
With me, are the three fairies of being chucklefucks!
"All men- uh, fae- report to deck!" I demonstrate my command of the vessel!
"Komi, director of engine operations." Komi salutes me. "Sir."
...The only reason she's so cooperative is because of our method of automation. You remember those trusty steeds, from the other night? Well, now we had like, four of them…
I turn to Koi, who had a bucket of funny crystal orbs from Patchy's stash. "Koi! Anti-infantry on duty!"
Yo~. We hope it's anti-infantry stuff, anyway.
"...I hope they beat us." Koi smiles.
Y'know, that's not the kind of thing we should say…!
"Then they'll push me to the ground, and loom over me… I'll smile up at them as, as they slide out their-"
Komi whacks her with a large french bread. "Save that for when we do get destroyed."
"Auuu~gh…!"
Then, we have Namori. She fidgets as I stare at her, and urge her to go on…
"...I-I'm Namori…" Seriously, we're all friends here. "...Sc-scouting."
In retrospect, terrible idea, but I didn't wanna do it. Aside from the fact she's a freakin' mute!
...It's not like we have much to scout out, anyway.
Under the 'deck', we have…
"Kuroneko…" A fairy maid with green hair, and cat-like eyes introduces herself. "...Engine one."
"Maple-chan… En-engine two..."
"Gravity-chan. Engine three." Is she different from that zero gravity hooligan? I dunno, but their hair colors are the same-ish...
"My leg's're gone! How'm I supposed to do this!?" I never did learn her name. I'll just address her as 'Leg-chan'.
Ha-chan's supposed to be here, too, but I dunno where the frik she is…
"Brad-ku~n!"
Right on cliche'd cue! "Yo~!"
I told her to go get knives, but she actually told me no, for some reason. Instead, I just had her fetch fluffles. "I-I wrestled together the bio-weapons!"
"Yeah, yo!" I pump my arms in the air. "Let's get this show on the road! If anyone asks, yo… we're the Knights of the Fluff Table!"
"Yeaa~h!" Ha-chan and Koi cheered.
...Ho ho! That's not a freakin' lot of enthusiasm, but y'know… discount mercenaries.
I move to stand! The fixtures on the table are pretty much entirely this: my seat, and boxes to hold the weapons we swindled.
By that, I mean a box for Patchy's orbs, and a pen for the fluffle guests.
Ha-chan dumps the fluffles into the pen, and they squirm about like friends…
"Let's move out, Knights!" I declare!
"...Urgh…" The fairies under the table let out a collective groan as they start moving. The others move and land on the table. We slowly move to the front gate of the manor…
We push it open.
"He~y, hope you didn't mind that we just like, parked our car in here, yo." I brag about my fairy wagon to Meiling!
Meiling's expression slowly increases in incredulity as we pass by…
"Uhm… sure." She waves at me as we leave the front gate. The fluffle at the fluffle stand's shell nose opens in surprise.
Yea~h! We're gonna get shit done today!
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: KNIGHTS OF THE FLUFF ====
Also, holy fuck, we're slow.
After forever, we pass the side of the Misty Lake… The snow didn't make it particularly easy, but enough of the path was cleared for us to manage. Anything in the way was eagerly, clumsily, and feverishly destroyed by one or more of us.
Namori floated out of the lake, holding a fish.
She rejoined us, dripping wet, but she was smiling. The fish flopped around in her arms for a few moments, before it stopped.
…
"You killed it, friend." I inform her.
...She slowly frowned, before floating back up to scout.
Friend, why.
I see Daiyousei ahead of us. Well, I've seen Daiyousei ahead of us. She's been sitting ahead of us, just kinda idle, for some reason. She's also been the focal point of our journey for the past ten minutes, or so...
"Cirno-chan…" She sits on a snow lump, staring at the sky.
We near her, and as my crew readies to shove french breads up her ass, I hold up a hand. "Hold, crew! She is but a fellow fae! We must attempt recruitment!"
"What if that doesn't work?" Komi leans towards me…
"...Then we blast her ass, yo!" I pump a fist up, but then I make a finger with it. "But if, and only if… it don't work, yo."
Eventually, we near her side. Daiyousei blinks, and stares up at the table-craft…
"Yo ho ho!" I greet her like a pirate!
"A-ah…" She stands, and backpedals, stepping backward into snow.
She's freakin' terrified. "Yo, Daiyo. What's gotcha' lookin' so down?"
...Reluctantly, Daiyousei speaks to me. "Uhm… Cirno-chan went to collect flowers, earlier, so we could get candy. She didn't come back, yet…" She cupped her face with her hands. "I'd feel really guilty if I got her killed… ju-just for some candy… I-I was gonna share it with her, too!" She holds up a brown paper bag, which presumably held candy.
Hmm…
Komi taps on my shoulder. "Can we kill her, yet?"
Daiyousei looks like the hairs on her neck stood! "Oo-oh, no…!"
I sigh. "No~, Komi. Hold up." I wave her off. "...Yo, Daiyousei? Where'd Cirno go?"
Daiyousei points in the direction of the human village…
That's all we need, yo. "We're actually goin' there!" I exclaim. Then, I exaggeratedly smile widely. "We could save Cirno!"
Daiyousei blinks. "Y-you could…? Wait, what happened to her!?"
Da~h… "She was captured by the order of the… anti-fairy people!"
A few of the engine fairies gasp.
Daiyousei's eyes widen. "N-no…"
I gesture for her to hop aboard. "Get on, Daiyousei. We're the Knights of the Fairy- fluff… uh…" Something! "Knights of the Fluff Table!"
"Yea~h…" Koi half-heartedly cheers.
...With stars in her eyes, Daiyousei hops on. "We're coming, Cirno-chan! We won't let you down!"
That's the team pep we needed!
"Dai-cha~n!" Ha-chan looks up from the fluffle pen. "You're joining us!?"
She nods…
..."Don't screw up." Ha-chan looks back to the fluffles with a neutral expression. Freakin', what was that…?
Daiyousei freezes. "U-uh… right…"
Komi looms over her. "...Y'know, we need another engine."
Koi agrees. "So slo~w… I'm getting bored…"
...Daiyousei looks over to me, and clings to my arm. "Wh-n-... Help."
Poor greater fairy, yo. Can't catch a break.
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: KNIGHTS OF THE FLUFF TABLE ====
Dayum. Five fairy-power engines is far better than four! We've already passed the Hakurei Shrine…
Before us, some wolf youkai crack their knuckles. "Dude, Kanashi! Check it!"
Kanashi, the other wolfman about fifteen feet ahead of us, grins. "Wh-what the fuck is that shit…? Is… is that a human riding a-a... fairy wagon thing? Aa~hahaha~!"
"Fairies next door…" I stand, throwing my arm outward. "Battle stations!"
Koi chuckles dangerously. "Ahuhuhu… Want me to go… negotiate?"
No. "Throw shit at them."
She slouches. "Wh-what? But-"
"Fuck 'em up. I want 'em, dead. Their shoes, dead. Their claws, dead."
...I turn to Koi, who looks extremely bummed out.
I sigh. "Look, yo, I'll find ya some men to fuck later, when our job is done." I decide.
She gives a naughty grin. "...How about you?"
Son. "Maybe-"
The wolfmen begin approaching us.
Koi folds her arms. "Not good enough."
Freakin'... She's really got me by the orbs, hea! "Fine, yes, yeah! Do the things!"
Pleased with my response, Koi leans back over the orb box. "With pleasure, Brad-kun…"
Eeeuuugh. I mean, sex'll be nice, but at this point it's the principle of the situation! L-like…
That discussion's over, yo. No.
Koi picks up an orange orb. "Let's see…"
"Hey, you!" Kanashi calls up to us. "Hand over the human!"
...Koi throws the orange orb at them.
Boom!
Kanashi gets blown back by an explosion.
The other wolfman tenses. "Wh- fuck! You fairy assholes…"
He moves to engage our engines, so I leap off the hull, drawin' Flame Salvo! "Look, son-"
Shi~ng!
Kuroneko breaks position, and slices into his arm with a katana. Where'd she get that shit from!?
I look back to the fairy engines…
Maple-chan and Leg-chan both have four katana holsters on their backs. I thought those were just funny straps...
...Kuroneko turns to me, noticing my glancing... "Do not get any ideas. Those swords are not for you."
...Sure, I guess? I'm still kinda baffled!
Koi throws a pink orb at the wolfman, and it explodes into dust on contact.
He grins. "Ha! That one was a fuckin' dud! You're mine, now!"
…
"I-I said…" He jerks his legs, but they hardly move. "F-fuck…"
Then, his eyes begin to glaze over. "A-ah…"
Well.
...Kuroneko hisses, and sheathes her blade into one of the sleeves on Maple-chan's back. "You saw nothing. I intend to do nothing with those."
...I guess I gotta take her word for it, for now. I'm half expecting mutiny, and I'd rather it not be from a octo-katana wielding maniac.
...Also, that wolf dude's got a boner, now. It's a good thing they wear hobo-ass pants and shirts!
Koi sits at the edge of the table, eager.
"Koi, tell 'em to do somethin'." I rouse her attention.
Kanashi is crawling back towards us, I note.
"...Take me, and ravish me..." Koi commands, licking her lips.
Jerkily, the enthralled wolfman begins to comply…
Godammit, Koi. "No, yo! I mean- make him fight his friend. Just do that."
She rolls her eyes, as his hands latch to her hips. "Alri~ght. Fight your hot wolf friend, for me."
...Her subject stops moving to fuck her, and starts moving towards his friend. Then, he gets punched in the face- our subject one, that is. "Hah! I heard you tell him to do that, asshole! Just wait until I-"
Clonk. Komi decides to intervene with a half-eaten piece of french bread.
...The wolfman faceplants the floor.
…
Komi bites from it, again. She speaks with a full mouth… "'Eal 'runhy…"
Trust me, it sounds crunchy, too. Like eating rocks.
"...Can I have some?" Ha-chan requests gingerly.
Komi nods, and passes it to her…
"Alri~ght... " Koi licks her lips. "Follow us, big boy."
The half-decimated wolfman under our control nods, and moves out of the way for our wagon.
Woohoo~! "Onward!" I use Swift Brand as my trusty pirate cutlass to point to the sky!
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: KNIGHTS OF THE FLUFF TABLE ====
...I turn to Komi. "So, Kuroneko. Who the hell is she?"
Komi shrugs. "Just saw her today, and decided to drag her along. Might be a new girl."
Hmm. Guess so.
"I'm here, you know…" Kuroneko reminds us.
"Aaa~h, shut up!" Komi roars down at her. "You'll come to learn that I'm the boss around here!"
Hyonk.
…
"She's scary…" Daiyousei mumbles.
"You're scary." Komi counters. "...I-I mean, your face, that is…"
Nice job.
"You suck, Komi-chan." Koi grins at her.
"Fight me." Komi lifts her french bread dagger.
"Yo." I announce my presence. "Village, ho."
"...Excuse me?" Komi looks ready to eviscerate me.
Freakin'... "I mean the village, y'twat."
"Oh." Komi relaxes. "...I guess."
...Apparently she's fine with 'twat'. I can see the human village just ahead of us, too...
The guard on duty notices us, and his jaw drops. "Wh-what the…!?"
I stand up, aboard my vessel! "Ahoy, me buckos!" I leap from the vessel, and approach the guard…
He draws his sword, and dashes towards me…
I pull out my Youkai Exterminator badge! "Check it!"
…
He's still running towards me. Koi floats overhead, and drops a blue orb down onto him.
Splash!
It explodes into a torrent of water, shocking the guard. "Hey- agh…!"
He looks up, and scowls at the fairy. "Y-you…!"
Koi giggles.
"It-it's not funny!" He grits his teeth. "You damn pranksters…!"
"No, son." I shake my head. "It's hilarious. It was the best thing. The funniest funny!"
...He furrows his brows at me.
Oh, well. Guess we gotta do things the hard way, yo.
Fwoosh…!
I have Swift Brand send a gust of wind at the guard, and he slips on the snowy floor. "Gur-aa~h!"
Lotta snow's probably gonna melt, today. It's not actually that bad out, right now. There's even a nice, not-freezing breeze.
Tree noises, yo…
...I focus on the guard, again. Koi threw a lighter blue orb down…
Swish!
All that water? Now that's ice. Rest in nuggets, guard man.
"To the gate!" I declare. "By the way, when we get inside, we're gonna get our asses blasted. We're gonna need more than Koi on AA duty."
Ha-chan smiles widely. "I've got your back, Brad-kun. Just say the word."
Namori's just been silently floating above us, this entire time. Y'know, scouting.
The real reason I brought her along is because she occasionally goes badass during stressful situations. We mi~ght need that, real soon…
We progress to the village gate, and just barely squeeze through…
On the other side, villagers pale and point at us, many fleeing to get help, while others run for their nearby homes.
"F-Fairies! On a siege vehicle!" Hey, now, I think that's being a little generous… It's literally a wooden platform being carried by fairies! I think just a gaggle of fairies themselves would be a more effective siege weapon… not that that's much more effective.
"S-someone! Get the exterminators!" Oh boy...
"S-so many human men!" Koi gushes.
"Woaa~h…" Komi gapes at the sight. "I mean, we were literally here just a few days ago, but still…"
Namori floats down to us, holding her little telescope… "Th-there's humans… a-a lot of them…"
Aw, gee. Y'don't think?
Ha-chan leaned over my shoulder. "Can I release them? Can I can I can I?"
I hold up a hand. "Hold your fire, friends! Wait until we are engaged by noobs!" Don't want to piss 'em off before they piss us off. It's just a matter of respect… and waiting things out. If I can avoid a war, I will!
"Somebody! I need a pair of fucking legs!" Leg-chan chose this moment to start making demands.
...None of the villagers look cooperative. Oh, no.
In only a few minutes, a surge of guards come charging down the main road ahead of us. Some have large shields, while the others have bows, and some have really big, unwieldy swords.
"Riot control division! Take charge!" A man with a big, yellow-feathered hat pointed a rapier to the sky, standing at the back of the guard company.
Okay, we're gonna need them fluffles. But first… "Komi, Kuroneko, and, uh, Maple-chan, take the front.
Komi gives a broad grin. "Rodger!"
"If I must." Kuroneko draws a katana from the holsters, and stands ready.
Maple-chan readies her fists, despite having three perfectly good katanas on her back. "Hahaha~! Stupid humans!" ...Soundin' a little like the generic field-y types, there, friend.
Now… "Koi, take to the roofs, and chuck orbs at 'em!"
"Aye, aye!" She lifts the orbs in her arms. I notice the shield friks move towards us first…
"Sic the expendable wolf guy on 'em, too." I decide.
Koi nods. "Wolfy! Beat up those mean humans, for us!"
He barrels through the gate, still looking as infatuated as ever, and he charges towards the shields…
In truth? He's gonna get gutted, but them's the works of war, yo.
I turn to Ha-chan. "Give it a moment, or so…"
Koi floats onto the roofs, and positions herself, laying the orbs down on the square roof around herself.
The wolfman moves to give a powerful, straight punch to one of the shields.
Bam!
The shield guy slides back, as his friends flank the wolfman. Swordsmen flow around the one guy who was pushed back, and begin stabbing the wolfman.
Shink, shink, shink.
"Ghack- ghuh- gruh…"
An~d now he's a pincushion, complete with ketchup. Sorry, friend.
Koi scowled, and held up a red orb. "My man!"
Oh, Jesus. This is gonna get hairy…
The fairy maids on the front look pensive about engaging the wall of guards, but then the red orb lands in their midst…
Fwoom!
A couple of them light on fire from the blast of flame, and the swordsman company quickly devolves into chaos. Now, the shieldmen look equally pensive about engaging the fairies at the front, due to their lack of backup…
"Fire! Fi~re!"
"Get the water magi! Qui-... Dammit! Hang in- fuck..."
The archers begin firing at Koi, but she ducks behind the edge of the roof, and crouches. This is why you make slanted roofs…!
Anyway, this is enough madness. "Ha-chan, release the fluffs of Hell!"
"This is for before!" Ha-chan beams, tearing off a wall of the pen. The fluffles begin pouring out, but Ha-chan gives them another push by picking some up and tossing them towards the guards.
The fluffles surge down the path, and rush into the guard force. They're too small to be blocked by the large, anti-riot shields. Many dart through the flames, and numerous of the more skittish guards begin tripping, or at least stumbling.
"Here!" Another orange orb flies from Koi's hands…
Boom!
Their archers are pretty shot, right now. Most of the men are fine, but their bows? Not so much…
Let's get everyone in on this! "Daiyousei, Leg-chan! You guys, go help the frontlines beat people up!"
More wails of flaming pain come from the swordsmen ahead. "Shi~t! Ph-Philip! Speak to me… Speak to me, you fucker! I did not give you permission to die! Ghh..."
Yikes. I have a feeling this is gonna be less of a liberation, and more of an occupation…
Not really my intent! Maybe I can change that later… but for now, I just gotta push forward and assorted motivational crap.
"I-I… alright…" Daiyousei reluctantly consents.
...I look at Leg-chan, who's just staring at me. "Yes, I mean you, too. Go aggres the burly bums."
Leg-chan does a full sprint away from the cart, towards the crowd. "Give me your le~gs!"
...I'm also out of engine people, except for the largely quiet Gravity-chan.
The table falls to the floor. Oof…
Gravity-chan just stares at me. Freakin'... yo.
The fairies rush the shield toting guards, and begin slapping them with whatever they have on hand, be it fluffles, french bread, or freakin' hands, yo.
Unfortunately, most of them prioritize the shields, and not the guards.
"Hahaha~!" Koi laughs and holds a pink orb, and chucks it at me.
I scramble away from the table, and while I'm at it, I decide to go frontlines as well!
Poof. The pink orb hits nothing, and shatters. We coulda gotten freakin'... villager on villager action, if she used it right!
Koi pouted. "Damn it…"
Pi~chun!
Oh, fuck! Who died!?
I scan our front lines, and determine Leg-chan is missing. Her sword holsters are on the ground, however. It seems she was impaled by an arrow.
"Ghh-stop! Stop- ghooh…"
A guard crumples, as Kuroneko leers down at him. "This village belongs to the youkai! Human scum! Trash! Filth!"
Shink! Shink!
...Thud. The guard's head rolls to the floor, and his shield falls to the ground. Whelp, someone's fuckin' dead! This cat lady's brutal! Holy shit...
"Oi. No killing unless you have to!" I warn. "We don't wanna be public enemy number one!"
Kuroneko turns to me, a wild look in her eyes. "Hah!?" She raises her katana, as if to slash at me, then stops. "...You will know your place."
This cat fairy, dude. Givin' me some seriously weird vibes…
Another orange orb falls into the archer ranks. Boom!
"Re-retreat! Riot Corps, retrea~t!"
The guards begin falling back. Very few swordsmen leave the battle, meaning we killed more of them than I thought. Almost all the archers and shield dudes made it out alive; the real kicker was that inferno orb Koi set off, it seems. Our front line fairies did both jack and shit, aside from Kuroneko.
...The fairies approach me, again.
"That was awesome!" Komi has a sadistic grin on her face. "I hit one! Bam, right over the head! Fuck yeah!"
Koi floated down, and dumped the orbs gently into the box, again. "It was alright."
The rest of the fairies offered little real comment, moving back to their respective positions. Once again, my tablecraft was a go!
We move slowly towards the town square. The sun was beginning to set, too…
Before us, a single woman began to move to the center of the street, accompanied by a short, blonde-haired man…
It was that swordswoman, and Fred. Where the hell'd Fred even come from? He's supposed to be tied up back at the shrine!
Shit's about to get real.
"...Fairies." The woman spoke. "...Brad." I knew giving my name was a bad idea…
"...You fookin' wanker!" Fred points his staff at us. "You were a youkai all along! Damn it!"
Freakin'... "Yo, mates-"
"Don't bloody 'mate' me!" Fred's staff begins to glow. "I'll exterminate y'so hard, the whole town'll be singing me praises!`
"Fred." The woman chidingly speaks his name. "...We must proceed tactfully. That man, Brad, has organized the fairies into a force of destruction. Identify the critical components of his team, and take them out first."
...Did she purchase the strategy guide?
"...Y-yes, Meira!" Fred salutes her. "I-I won't let you down!"
Yo. Ding dong, man. Ding dong.
"Koi, toss shit at the samurai." I instruct her. "Kuro, cut up the mage." Resistances, baby!
Kuroneko's neutral expression suddenly becomes one of sadistic glee. "With pleasure."
Koi smiled. "I know just the orbs, baby…"
...Which is good, 'cause you're down to like, four. You don't got a lotta options!
"Everyone else, uh, we'll huddle up. Can any of you fire danmaku?"
Komi and Ha-chan casually wave at me. Good enough. I know Namori can, too, but she's still up there 'scouting'. Actually…
"Hey, Namori!" I call out to her. "Help us shoot at these guys!"
She blinks rapidly, as if suddenly being roused awake. She floats down to meet our side…
I draw Flame Salvo. If all else fails, cook 'em alive, yeah?
"...I was hoping to use these on my target... but this plan is even better." Kuroneko draws four katanas from the floor, and three more from Maple-chan's back.
Alright, quick question… "How're you so freakin' good? For a fairy?" I ask her.
...Kuroneko turns to me. "I am not a fairy, you imbecile..."
With a flick of the wrist, she cuts her own headband off. Two cat ears are revealed. "I am a proud youkai!"
Meira tenses. "Fred… Stay close to me!"
Shocked by her intensity, Fred complies. "Ye-yes, Ma'm!"
Ooh. Ho ho.
...I have a weird feeling. I don't like this 'Kuroneko' character. She's out to kill people, I'm sure. That's not really my thing.
I hold up my hand. "Yo! Koi! Hold your fire!"
Koi looks at me like I've grown a second head. "Yeah, no! I'm gonna throw shit at 'em, and you're gonna like it!"
You twa~t!
Well, then. We must assume direct control. "Kuroneko, I command you to hold your blade!"
"My name is not Kuroneko…" She scowls at me. "...It is simply Kuro. Aiko Kuro."
...Pivoting around to face the samurai and the mage, she sighs. "...You cannot give me commands, for I was never your subordinate to begin with. I am under the employ of mistress Mima, to kill you. However, my siege of the human village is nigh, so I'm afraid my contract will have to wait."
Oh, damn. A serious youkai! Also, fuck you, Mima, for sending an assassin. Like, why? What'd I do!? Yo~!
Ha-chan glowers at her. "He~y… You can't talk like that to Brad-kun…"
...Kuro smiles. We can't really see it, though… so don't ask how I know! "Stupid fairy."
…
"Leave this place." Meira demands her.
...Kuro turns to her. "You can't make me."
…
Before I can do anything else, Kuro acts. "Take this!"
Whirling her katanas around, Meira's eyes widen as she blocks the storm of blades.
Chi-chi-chink!
"Stealth walk!"
Kuro disappears. Meira bares her teeth in a grimace. "Fred! Get out of here!"
"No! I want to fight by your side, Meira!" Fred stands his ground. "I got it!"
A thunderbolt strikes somewhere behind them. They turn, and Meira darts in front of Fred-
Cli~ng!
"Ghh…" Meira steps back from the weight of four katanas against her own.
"You make me yawn." Kuro stares into Meira's face. She readies to jab into her with her other set of 'claws', but Fred stops her.
"Burn!"
A fireball meets Kuro. "Gah!"
The neko darts back, set ablaze. Then, a ring of purple emanates around her. "Can't see me…!"
Fwish. She vanishes.
…
I look around me. Most of my fairy companions are just watching eagerly. Komi's even eating her bread.
Koi seems to be looking for a good time to throw an orb, and Ha-chan's glaring at the battle.
Nugget days, yo…
...I hold Flame Salvo close. Eheh…
Cli~ng!
Meira's sword clips one of Kuro's 'claws'. Kuro becomes visible, for a second, then vanishes again.
She's really invismable! Aaaa~h!
Koi tosses a blue orb down.
Sploosh!
Everyone gets soaked. Kuro, despite being invisible, is now dripping. "You insolent fool…!"
Koi grins. "Sorry 'bout that, kitty."
"Thunder!" Fred holds up his staff…
A thunderbolt strikes Kuro. "Guuraa~h!" She darts back, and glares. "This… this is not the end! You petty exterminators have not heard the last of me!"
With that, she escapes. "Stealth walk!"
Swish. She's gone…
...Koi tosses another, brown orb.
Bam!
The path shakes under the two exterminators, and they tumble to the floor.
"Apprehend the nugget people!" I exclaim!
The tired exterminators didn't know what hit them, when a bunch of fairies flew into them.
"Me-Meira!" Fred moves to defend her. "Back off, you-you asshats!"
Koi throws another, periwinkle orb at them…
Poof!
…
They both fell asleep on the spot. Along with half my fairies, but, y'know...
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: KNIGHTS OF THE FLUFF TABLE ====
Alri~ght. We got a house, now!
A man topples to the floor in front of me, but Komi pounces on him to reinforce the rope she tied him with. "C'mo~n, buddy. The least you can do is stop trying to scream like a fuckin' banshee!"
Yeah. Not necessarily legally, mind you. We did what we could.
...It was also a tiny house, with like, four rooms. We had to like, beat Meira, Fred, and this chucklefuck into submission just so we could go sidequesting for some ropes and stuff to tie them up with. The only rope was bloody three doors down! Christ.
...We couldn't tie up the houses we explored, though, so we just knocked 'em out, and put them back in bed. Night night, son...! Hyonk, hyonk, hyonk!
Eheh. I get too much of a kick out of that. Just freakin'... knock 'em out, and tuck 'em in! G'night, son! Aa~h...
"Alright guys, we're boardin' here overnight, yo." I tell the gaggle of fairies.
"Slee~p over!" Ha-chan squees, leaping for the one, and only, bed in the house.
"Ye~s!" Koi leaps into the bed, too. "C'mere, Hana. Let's snuggle…"
"Ya~y…!"
Cuddly fairy people.
Aa~h, the night time. It always makes me feel at home and scared shitless at the same time, somehow.
Meira and Fred also have gags in their mouths, because yeah.
...I lean over Fred. "Welcome back to the bondage festival."
He wiggles violently.
"Noob." Get owned, Fred.
…
I take out that wiffle duster Patchy gave me, and shake it under Meira's nose.
She sneezes.
That's it, yo. Mission accomplished. That was everything I came here to do.
Anyway, I should probably question these guys and find out just what the hell's goin' on around here.
...I hesitantly remove Meira's duct tape from her mouth. Yeah, I duct taped their mouths. They'd be yelling their heads off otherwise… or insulting us.
Meira glares at me, wincing as I peel the duct tape…
"...What do you want?" She growls. Okay, good, she's not going apeshit…
I hold up a hand, and hover it over her face. "Hello, friend. Me Brad. This… home. Me friend."
...She moves to bite my hand, and I pull it back. "Jesus, son! Calm yer hormones!"
"They'll find you." Meira speaks ominously. Wait…
"Who?" I tilt my head.
"The guards." Meira informs me.
Oh. I thought she was talkin' about some secret service or some shit. Nope, just generic guards. Nothin' to worry about, then.
"So…" Time to interromagate! "What's goin' on, yo?"
...She glares at me.
I guess I should be, y'know descriptive, and use words like a human being.
"Why's everyone so bent outta shape about the Hakurei?" I ask question number one! "Like, did she even do anything?"
"I don't have to answer anything." She's not havin' it. "Turn yourselves in. Now."
Yeah. Okay, yeah, we'll just do that. Only 'cause you said so.
...Komi props the captive house owner next to her. She looks at me, and smirks. "Bein' a real bitch, ain't she?"
Meira just glares at her.
We~ll, next question! "D'you know what happened to Keine? Why she's all buggin' out, and why, uh… actually, have you seen her recently?"
...Meira furrows her brows. "I thought it had something to do with you."
Yeah, that figures. "The hell'd I be able to do?"
"I don't know. I'm not familiar with every type of youkai, out there." She stares into my eyes. "I assumed you were going to do the same with us…"
Wait, wait, hold on… "...Why would I make Keine hate me? Like, what political scenario would that ever be a good strategy in?"
Speaking of bad political strategies, invading the human village with a gaggle of fairies!
"I don't know!" Meira struggles against her ropes, but eventually resolves simply to look pissed. "You'll never get away with this…"
I'm actually not sure how to reply to that! I feel like a freakin' bad guy now.
...I still really wanna know what they've got against Reimu! I repeat the same question, again. "So, what's the deal with Hakurei shrine maidens, ah? Ah? Am I right, or am I right?"
"Don't talk about her like that..." Meira mutters.
...Not... what I expected at all. Even Fred's giving her a curious glance.
She stares at the floor, looking bitter.
…
Glad to see I could ease them!
…
Glancing around the room, I see there's now a small pile-up on the bed. My dick tells me to jump in, but I don't know how many degrees of dead I might end up if I do. I mean, yeah, fairies, but uh… better safe than sorry?
I don't think I'm in a position to say that, after invading the human village with fairies. If all it took was an organized effort, then freakin', yo...
I go to the house's back door, where Maple-chan and Namori are. Standing in the door frame after I opened it, I observe the two fairies...
"...Hey, Blue-chan?" Maple-chan turns to Namori.
"Hu-huh…?" Namori jerks to look at her, surprised.
"Do you ever wonder why we're here?" Maple-chan questions.
"...So-sometimes…" Namori looks down. "L-late at night, I… I ask myself questions. Li-like…" She sighs. "Why… why am I here? Wh-who put me here? An-and… why is…?" She trails off, not finishing her question.
…
"...I meant, uh, why are we standing out here…?" Maple-chan gives her a sheepish half-smile. "...Do ya wanna talk about it?"
Namori's eyes widen. "A-ah, uh…"
…
Maple-chan shrugs. "Well, if you don't wanna, that's fine."
"N-no, it's…" Namori clams up, her arms progressively curling up towards her chest. "...Can we go for… a wa-walk?"
"Sure." Maple-chan gets on the move. "Lead the way!"
The two fairies break from the door, and begin wandering off. I'm sure they'll be able to take care of themselves. I mean, if they can't, they'll respawn anyway. No harm, no foul, right?
Spea~king of that… I did not intend to burn half of the swordsman of the riot-whatever company! I guess I'll take the blame for that, but uhhh… eheh? Forgive me if I seem a bit unpassionate about it, but I didn't really know those guys, and uhh… yeah. I'm sure they had families and stuff, but the easy way to get over these things is to just not think about them. Willful ignorance!
...Can't say the same for the villagers, though! Diplomacy's gonna be a rat's ass… Like, 'hey sorry about the fleshy inferno and all but eheheh let's talk Reimu'. Yeah, no!
There's also this hostage situation…
As I walk back into the room, Meira's eyes lock on me. "What do you plan to do now?"
That's just what I was about to ask myself! "I don't know, but I plan negotiations."
Her eyes widen. "What kind of negotiations?"
"...The negotiatory type!" I don't mean nuking the village from orbit! "So, Keine…"
"I told you. I have no idea." Meira shook her head.
Balls. Guess I'm gonna have to do some detective work, yo… with a frikoff fairy armada. Them dying would actually be beneficial, but I'll be damned if I don't try to get them through this entire endeavor!
There's also that kitty cat who's going ballistic.
...I stretch a bit…!
I glance at the bed in the other room…
There's a pile of female fairy friends on it.
I think I'll just climb onto the table… It's against a wall, yo. It's cuddly.
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
END OF CHAPTER 38
PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Fairy Slayer, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine, Sky Climber, Amateur Espionage Practitioner, Holder of Too Many Titles.
PRIMARY WEAPON: Tundra Bloomer - A earth-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock; has a flower curved around the hilt. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. Allows casting of Gaia Seed. Casts Tundra, a weak spike of ice!
INVENTORY:
Youkai Inconveniencer - Apparently a semi-crux to youkai and undead via a holy spell and being naturally strong against them, but it doesn't sound particularly efficient. Most respectable youkai seem to only be momentarily stunned, and anything without visual receptors or possibly a pair of sunglasses would probably be immune. Acts as a flashlight via candles. Converted to a flail with cross necklaces! Can cast Shine.
Swift Brand - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can create small compressed air blasts. By the addition of a steel block, it gained enhanced striking power and weight, along with increased ability to channel magic into any sort of special effects it has.
Flame Salvo - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Enchanted to have an incendiary effect upon sufficient striking force, or sufficient velocity. Good for burning stuff and people! Boosts fire abilities, allows physical strikes to do fire damage. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Has a flamethrower nozzle. Can cast Fume, has Flamethrower Plus!
Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.
Deep Blue- A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Enchanted to constantly produce fresh water. Boosts abilities of water-based attacks and allows physical attacks to deal water damage. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...
Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.
Sharper Than Darkness- A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon style, with increased bleeding but fighting power being the main attributes. Can cast Revenge, a dark spell which has more extreme proportions of the weapon's innate attributes. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to give it an extra deadly edge in combat.
Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.
The Escape Plan - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, and a gift from Flandre Scarlet. Has an obsolete map out of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Has various negatives that I mentioned in earlier inventory summarizations…
Market Gardener - Critical hits during blast jumps! Otherwise, it's just a normal, old plant hanger. Named after a very similar shovel…!
Holy Talismans - Provides a holy upgrade and elemental shift to a weapon of choice!
Electric Talismans - Provides an electric upgrade and elemental shift to a weapon of choice!
NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please.
NERF longsword - "CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals"… you know what that means!
Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! 75% time resistance on equip. Voice, face, and height specifications not included!
Monk Robes - Wear to become a Buddhist! Actually pretty comfy…!
Butterfly Dream Pills - Because I forgot to list that I grabbed these a few chapters ago! Makes you dream of being a beautiful butterfly!... now, if only there was a pill for lucid or wet dreams, and then I'd consider Yagokoro the doctor to end all doctors!
Remilia Scarlet Disguise - Wearing this as a tall manchild's probably not doing anyone with eyes any favors. Has resistances of sorts, but I'm not in a big fat hurry to find out…
A Wiffle Duster - For shoving up people's rectums.
PARTY:
London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks of both the magical and physical variety. Gets a lance, and can shoot danmaku. Has a variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has a mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly.
PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. London shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.
ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:
blazed through most of this chapter in two days, then finished it up later
been playing CIVILIZATION FIVE… you know how that goes, games on quick take the better part of ten hours… yeah
fluffy days
shit's goin' down in the human village, too! yo ho ho…
aiko kuro is pretty much a rip of CAPTAIN KURO from One Piece, for the short duration i watched it
shame he never appeared again; i woulda skipped to those episodes honestly
except now he's a she and she's a neko girl… kitty's got CLAWS SON
as always, see you all next time!
