(in which we find out just what the hell's goin' on around here)
I~'m awake, yo!
...And also on the floor, apparently. It looks like the table broke and slid me into the wall, while I slept… not that I care, because I still slept fine, so hyonk, hyonk, hyonk…
My attempts to escape my table hole thing broke the other two legs.
Bam.
...Now it's a siege vehicle!
The fairies in the room turn to look at me…
I see Ha-chan walking up to me. Hello, Ha-chan!
"Good morning, Brad-kun!" She greets me cheerfully!
...Blue and white stripes! I feel like I mentioned that, before…
"Hello, friend…" I grin up from the floor…
I am then punted by a person! Freakin'... I'm starting to build up a tolerance to getting sandals to my gut.
"You. Get up."
Aaa~h… Someone released miss angry eyebrows…
Meira bends down, and picks me up, propping me upright. "You're under arrest."
It's too early for this shit, man! Close the bloody door…!
"...Or, at least, you would be." She adds. "We've got a situation, and it's your fault."
Too~ early, for this, yo.
"We've got fairies running amok in the town, and a rather unstable youkai on the loose…"
I begin nodding off. I was dreaming of Patchy-chan, too… Maybe if I-
She grabs my jaw, and glares into my eyes. "And I don't know about you, but if the youkai outside these walls get an inkling about the catastrophe going on in here, the human village is as good as gone. Do you understand me?"
World record for the quickest that things could go to shit in one day: achieved!
I nod drowsily… "Aye, aye, cap-e-tan."
...She seems to be slowly getting angrier!
"I-I mean, yeah, yo. I'll woop 'em 'n' I'll boop 'em, dude…"
...She shakes her head, and pushes me away. By now, I've gotten most of my liveliness back, so I don't trip and fall over the table remains-
Thud.
Nevermind, yes I do… I really need, like, a freakin' water bottle… It's too bad plastic parts haven't been invented yet! Now how can we complain about the insanely toxic plastic landfills if there are none?
Ha-chan helpfully offers a hand to help me off my bum! I grab onto it, and-
Thud.
She falls onto me, half-smooshing me.
"A-aah…" She wiggles a little. "Sorry, Brad-kun…"
Meira turns back to us. "Get up, already! I didn't tell you all of that just to watch you go back to bed!"
Define 'bed'. It's a piece of vehicular technology, lady…!
...Man. S'gonna be one of those days…
...Freakin', "Ha-chan, wiggling helplessly doesn't help us get up any faster…"
She chuckles. "I know…"
Aaah.
…
One of those days.
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
I stumble out the front door, where Meira stands, with her arms folded.
"What were you doing…?" She narrows her eyes at me. "It took you ten minutes…"
"I'm sure you counted." I shoot back. "I was freshening up, yo. Gettin' some air conditioners, 'n' shoven' 'em where the sun don't shine, you! Ungh! Drop a grommet, yo!"
…
"We'll get started with the fairies." She sighed. "The guards only managed to get two of them, so far."
Wha~t. No~.
...She noticed my grimace. "I'm sure this goes against your plans, and that's good. I'm sure you had nothing good planned."
Son.
"...I don't know where the fairies could be, right now." She admits. "I want them rounded up, and brought to me. I'll be at the guard headquarters."
In before I just ignore her, do all that shit of my own accord, and beat her up when I have enough potions to do so. Or the company!
Wait…
"Where's your butt buddy, Fred?" I question.
"Somebody! Stop those fairies!"
Meira and I look to the side, where Komi sprints down the road, holding a tied up Fred over her head, as guards with bows chase her down, firing the sloppiest shots known to man after her. Freakin', have an equal chance of hitting Fred, with those kindsa shots.
...Meira sighs. "...Yeah."
I need to put Patchouli, Reimu, and Meira in the same room. The amount of sighing would collectively kill us, because the carbon dioxide would freakin' blot out the sun. Talk about a scarlet mist incident!
That'd imply carbon dioxide was actually visible, though. Oof.
...Meira's walked off while I idled. Komi's adopted the strategy of running in circles, just down the road. The scary part is that it seems to be working.
Ha-chan's just staring at me, and smiling. Hello, friend…
…
Now it's a staring contest…
…
"We should do something, Brad-kun." Ha-chan moves to nudge me in the direction of Komi.
Oka~y, she's not totally brainblasted! Yo ho ho!
"Good to know you have idle animations, Ha-chan." I put a hand on her shoulder.
She smiles. "I don't know what those are."
First thing's first: always check the place you came from. That's like, rule number one in explorations.
I go back inside the house, to Ha-chan's confusion. In here… there doesn't seem to be anything I actually missed while drowsy. Hmm.
...I take a table leg. See, there was something here.
I move to the door, but Ha-chan gets in the way, just beginning to enter the house.
"Move, friend." I nudge past her as she walks inside…
…
Now it's just me, somehow. Ha-chan hasn't come back out! Freakin' pathfinding.
Komi barrels down the road ahead of me, again. I should probably stop her, at least.
"Yo!" I call out to her. "Ko~mi! Duck in here!" I point at the house…
She glances at me, and chooses to ignore me, continuing to charge down the road.
Y'twat. I have to actually follow her? Guu~h… I think I'll get to her later, then.
Ha-chan finally catches up. I feel her presence behind me…
"...Catch Komi, friend." I instruct her. "She's runnin' off."
She gives me a little salute, and begins to sprint after her. Ha-chan, you can fly! Do that! That's probably faster…!
Well, it keeps her occupied. This at least gives me an excuse to get all up in the village's business. Break into people's houses and smash their pots and jars for money, y'know. The works.
I think I'll head to the square to get a grasp on the sitchiation…
It's also a bright, sunny day. Ho ho! A little cold, but the sun helps. Also, a whole lot of villagers seem to just be not giving a shit about what's going on, and that's probably about right.
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
The market's as active as it normally is, and perhaps even moreso, today.
A certain brown-haired fairy has blended in with the crowd, wearing male villager clothes as she, uh… walked in circles. I didn't notice at all, at first, but she's literally going in a uniform circle and looking around, so I was eventually like 'what the hell's goin' on here'.
Namori stood at some kind of fish stand, clapping her hands as a fish flopped around. She seems to be having a better time than ever before, so I'll just leave her be, for now…
I'll confront miss uniform circles, here. I pretend to bump into her. "Yo."
She pauses, locking eyes with me. "U-uhm… Hello, sir… How do, you do?"
Totally not suspicious. "I know it's you, Maple."
She huffs. "It's Maple-chan. That, or Mapleweather, but I don't like being called that."
Mapleweather, huh? Anyway… "Why'd you guys all skedaddle?"
"That mean samurai lady got free." She shrugged. "We weren't just gonna let her nuke us. So we got outta there."
Aah. That's understandable. "I was tasked with rounding you guys up."
She nods. "Oo~h. Well, that sucks."
Y'know, they're not causin' any harm to anyone, aside from Fred, so I think I'll just leave 'em be.
"...On second thought, I think I won't bother." Yeah, screw that. One person I do need to account for, though… "Y'know where psychokitty is?"
Mapleweather- yes I'm calling her that now- tilts her head. "Who?"
"That cat with all the claws. Of all time." I explain. "Freakin' katana hands? Katana hand Sam?"
"Oo~h. I dunno." Mapleweather begins walking towards Namori.
You were no freakin' help!
...Mapleweather seems to buy Namori another fish, as the other one begins to die. I assume she took the wallet of the dude that owned that house, or something.
Aiko Neko, I think her name was? Yeah, she's not someone to let run around with reckless abandon. I could even get paid for capturing her!
Neko's a rather apt last name, then again, y'got people named Mapleweather, so I guess it's par for the course…
I think I'll shop around… I still need George to gimme my fookin' money.
Ha-chan taps me on the shoulder, reminding me she exists. I jump. "Yo~!"
"Brad-kun, look…!"
She points at a rather spiffy red and blue stand. At the stand was some girl with tower hair. Holy shit. Dude, do you think she like, has archers on her hair tower?
She's also adorably stout.
What's Ha-chan want over there, though? I turn to her…
...She looks back and forth between me and her, her arms slowly raising to her sides. "...She's cute!"
I can't disagree with that sentiment! I'd also say it's good enough excuse to pay her a visit…
We navigate to the stand, and she notices us. Smiling, she waves at us as she announces her service. "Thou must have desired my blessings. What say'st thou?"
Wat.
Ha-chan squees, and dives over the desk. "Yea~h!"
The girl's eyes widen, and she tries to retreat, hitting the back of her booth. "F-fairy, zo! No~!"
Thud! They landed on the floor inside the stand. Ha-chan nuzzled her cheek…
"I-I seem to be inflicted by- aa~h! Molestation!"
Fluffy haired people…
…
"Have you seen anybody with cat ears?" I idly inquire the fluffy haired person on the floor.
"A-ah! Pl-please… I-I beg…"
Ha-chan, what're you doing to her?
The girl looks up at me. "Si-sir, I pledge for aid!"
I shake my head. "Sometimes, friend, these things just have to happen."
She looks at me like I've sentenced her to death. "Yo-you… cr-cruel… Ahn!"
Alright, then! I wander away from the stand, satisfied with what I accomplished.
I hear tumbling from the stand, and the girl rushes out from around the side of the stand, Ha-chan holding onto one of her legs.
"Si-sir! Thy blessing…" She limps towards me at full speed! "And I-I did sight a peculiar feline fellow. Methought themselves unkempt and inappropriate, as being a youkai typically inflicts upon oneself…" She shook her head. "Mind not the apparent. Uh-uhm… Thou hast arrived to inherit a most brave blessing?"
I mean, look, lady, I can speak old, too. "A thousandth apologies, my ladyth. Thine hasn't-th come-arrived to adopt an blessing of thy people."
...She stares at me dryly. "Art thou daft?"
Bollocks. "Yes."
She nods. "Foolish rogue."
Oo~h, a rogue! I wonder if she knows this phrase… "I simply wish to bask in your peppermint creams, milady."
Slap!
Yeow!
Blushing, she begins to stomp away. "Pe-perverted cur… Fornicate thyself. "
Ha-chan stares between us, surprised, oblivious to our verbal exchange.
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
That red handprint she left on my face probably means yes!
She also didn't know where the kitty went, but she did see her. So, yeah. She's in town, and apparently bein' on the downlow. I thought she'd be rampaging…
S'not as bad as I thought, overall!
Guess I can get right down to the meat of the business, then: finding Keine. Savin' teacher Keine, yo.
...Where the hell do I start?
Guess I'll check the school… that I don't know the location of.
I stop a random dude on the road. "He~y, buddy, where's the school?"
He raises his brow. "School?"
I nod. "Yeah. School."
"..." He turns away from me, and begins walking.
Ey, man… fook you.
I quickly pop by fluffy girl's stand…
She lights up, but deflates upon seeing me. "Knave. Avaunt!" She waves at me to dismiss me.
I drop to the floor, pretending to fall.
…
She looks over the desk, curious.
"Hi." I wave at her. "Do you know where the school is?"
…
"Why must thou want such obvious information?" She scoffs at me. "...Ask someone else."
Wat. "Yo, it'd be easier on the both'a us if ya just played along, fluffy!"
She folds her arms. "I copulated with thy mother."
Pffft…! That I didn't expect! That makes revisiting her worth it.
...I turn to Ha-chan. "You know where the school is?"
She nods.
…"Do you really know where the school is?"
She shakes her head.
Hrrm.
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
I pop by the guard headquarters for recon and things…!
Passing by the front desk, I flash my badge. "Rustbucket Johanson. Youkai Exterminator. Guy with the world's biggest broadsword. You know."
...The clerk stares at me skeptically. "Go on, then."
I continue through the double doors, to the youkai exterminator room…
Meira glances at me from the bar counter, giving me a death glare. I give her a cheery thumbs up!
Albus is on the chair again, looking dead.
George is nervously polishing a glass behind the bar counter…
...I walk up, and sit a seat away from Meira.
"Where's the fairies?" She immediately jumps to the beeswax!
"Home." I smile at her. "...By which, I mean, I'm workin' on it."
She narrows her eyes at me. Oh, boy…
"...Very well."
Good, good… So! "George, where's the school?"
Meira doesn't like the sound of that. "What's it to you?"
"One of the fairies liked school teaching, so I'm thinking of checking there." Blatant lies. "It-it was like a fetish of hers."
...Meira nods. "Hmph."
...George smiles. "I'm, uh, afraid the school hasn't been in session… for the past week, at the least."
Hmm?
"...It's the flat, wide building on the east street." He informs me.
S'all I needed. By that, he means west street, because I flipped everything in my head. "Thanks, yo. Don't worry, Meira…" I near the double doors, and prepare to close them… "I think Reimu's armpits are pretty sexy, too."
Slam.
It is now the time for running!
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
Meira doesn't respect doors, I found. She didn't expect me to hide just under the stairs of the HQ, though…!
Anyway, a short, uneventful trip eventually lead me to the abandoned site of Keine's school.
I approach the school grounds…
Everything looks locked up, tight. That's unfortunate, 'cause it means Keine's gonna need some new double doors.
Tundra Bloomer buffs me up, and I use it as a battering ram…
Bam! Bam! Bam!
...Shit, Keine, you don't need blast doors for a school!
Bam! Bam! Bam!
Dude…
Bam! Bam...
Jesus, fuck.
Bam, bam, bam, bam!
…
Aight, fuck this. I'll just use the window…
Sha~tter!
Much better.
...I cla~mber inside. I just realized Ha-chan wandered off again. Was it while I was talkin' with that tower girl, or was it on the way to the guard place? She's so fickle… like a fairy.
Gensokyo fairy girls!
Anyway, this place is dead as a doornail. Navigating the halls, I eventually- oh.
Ooh.
"...Human."
I found Aiko!
I wave. "Hi, kitty."
She scowls. "...Have you come to throw off my plan?"
Ye- no. "I came to look for the school teacher."
She grins. "Kamishirasawa? Hah. She's one of our ranks, now. If you were to meet her, she'd kill you, for certain. Though I could arrange a meeting, for you, of course…" She smirks.
I nod. "Okay."
…
"...Alright, then." Her gaze shifts around. "Well… follow me. Outside the walls, then. It's in a forest... outside."
"Sure." I nod casually.
…
She draws a handful of katanas from parts unknown. "Why shouldn't I simply kill you now?"
Oh, shieut… I shrug. "I'm fluffy."
…
"You are such a bore." Aiko shakes her head, lowering her katanas. "I suppose it would be messy, even in a secluded place like this. That accursed samurai has eyes on the back of her head. You seem useless enough, so I will spare you. Tell your boss that Aiko Kuro-"
It was Aiko Kuro, not Neko! Aaa~h, damn. I got confused.
"-is back in town. Infact, tell the Hakurei, even. I care not who you tell. After all… everything is going according to my plan." She grins widely.
I gasp exaggeratedly. "What is your dastardly plan…!?"
…
"I am not stupid."
With that, she vanishes. Damn, I thought she'd take that bait…
It's probably something like 'extinction of the human race', or 'conquest of the human village'.
This school's not that big, really. It's like, in a U shape, with a lobby in the midst of the U. I'm surprised Keine actually has so many rooms. Isn't she, like, the only teacher?
Hmm.
Keine's office should be around the center… Ah. Here it is. 'Teacher's Office'. Only one teacher, so…
I go inside- what the fuck.
Scribbles line the walls. The word 'youkai' is scribbled across some of them, along with 'get out' and 'stop'.
Shit, dude… What was goin' on with Keine, in here!?
Papers from her desk were strewn about on the floor, and a cabinet hung open, while a different cabinet was lying on its side, sprawled on the floor.
...I look across her desk. Lots of grading papers that were simply spread about, some of which had sloppy sketches in red pen over the work of students. A deep claw mark was embedded in the desk.
...I look at the calendar, and it reads the year one hundred thirty-one. I've got no freakin' clue how Gensokyian calendars work, but I dunno about that year…!
There seem to be no concrete clues in here. I'm not entirely willing to believe what Kuro said, either. She seems like a bit of a tool.
I could ask Yukari! "Yukari~!" I call out! "Yuka~ri!"
...Nothin'.
Sigh. Alright, alright, I know how to get her attention… Hey, readers. How ya doin'? S'chapter thirty-nine. Fluffy days, huh…?
A gap opens in front of me. Yeaa~h! "Yo, so-"
A plate flies through the gap. I duck under it, and it smashes into the wall.
Yukari leans out of the gap. "If I don't appear, it's for a reason, human. You'd be wise to remember that."
With that, she retreats back in, and it zips shut.
Geez. What's got her panties all in a bunch?
So, either Keine's becomin' a schizo, or somethin's up. I dunno…
Man, liberating a village from its own incompetence is freakin' hard!
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
I knock on Sekibanki's door!
…
A man opens it up. Yo~! It's Matt!
"Oh. It's you."
"It's me!" I spread my arms.
"It's Brad!" Ha-chan, where the hell did you come from!?
"...Why are you here?" Matt raises a brow. Ho ho!
"I'm lookin' for info on Keine, friend. She's part of the hustle 'n' bustle of the big city now, we gotta do something!" Yo!
"...There is no 'me' in 'we'." He stares at me dryly. "I have things to get done, today."
Su~re… "Like what, son? Stabbing dudes in the junk?"
...He smirks. "I'm not as crude as you. I do things more professionally than that."
Aaa~h. I always doubt he could actually kill somebody. Like, I know he could, but I dunno about the whole 'going through with it' thing. I dunno.
Where's Seki, anyway…? Maybe I should use words. "Where's Seki, anyway?"
"Wouldn't you like to know?"
Sekibanki walks up behind him.
"No." I shake my head.
"Oh."
…
Sekibanki flicks him on the back of the head. He turns to her neutrally…
"You're supposed to be shopping." She pushes him out. "Do that."
The door closes.
Huh.
...He sighs. "Shopping. How invigorating."
I grin. "Didn't know you had a thing for headless women, yo."
He stares at me vainly.
"...How would fellatio from Sekibanki feel, anyway?" I wonder aloud.
Ha-chan punches me in the back. Oof…
"Go on. Do tell." Matt notices Ha-chan's hostilities towards me.
Freakin'... "Nevermind, yo, nevermind…"
I walk with him to the shops and things!
...His eyes run across Namori, who is now standing in front of, like, six dead fish, and one flopping one. Mapleweather joined her in the clapping…
Komi runs through the plaza, being trailed by archers.
Matt holds up a hand. "Behold. The most unnavigable shop imaginable."
Trust me, yo, I've been hea. I know.
Most of the people in this shop are the generic sorts… and then there's tower hair girl. She's fun.
Oh, hey! "Yo, ain't that Youmu?" I remember seeing her and Matt together, back at the manor, at one point.
He looks where I point, and notices her. She's walking looking down, appearing very sorta solemn… I assume Yuyuko's sending her on an emergency food run or something.
I turn to Matt, who made for tower hair's stand, and hid within it.
She turned to him, and flinched back in surprise. "Wh-whah? Depart from this stand…" She tries picking him up, but he latches to the underside of the stand. "I-I declare…"
...Hmm. I approach Youmu. "Yo ho ho!"
No response.
"...You seen Keine at all?" I know I'm soundin' like a broken record, but that's how ya get shit done as a detective.
"No."
Honest answer. I respect that.
…
"S'up?" I walk alongside her. "What's gotcha down, yo?"
"Mmrgh."
Vivid detail.
...I watch Youmu walk down the road. I dunno where she's goin'.
...The girl eventually succeeds in lifting Matt, and places him beside the stand like a cat.
"Seat thyself here. There is nothing of worth in this here stand." She chides him.
He looks around, noticing that Youmu was gone, and stands back up. He waves off the girl, and continues towards me… "What will you be doing?"
"Finding fluffles in the sand." I smile casually.
He glares at me.
I begin walking off. "Well, have fun shopping with miss old speak and the fairy rabble!"
"I'll make sure of it." He stares at me as I walk off.
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
I'm gonna try and see if anyone in the guard headquarters knows where Keine is, not just George and Meira.
I open the door, and see the clerks again! Youmu is also just approaching one of the desks, herself. Wonder what she's here for…
The leftmost clerk is the one I approach! He looks up at me, and I grin down at him. "Sophomore Phillmore, attorney at law. Lemme in, or I'll blow my brains out." My grin becomes smug, as if I knew something he didn't.
His eyebrows raise. "..."
Oh, right. I flash my Youkai Exterminator badge.
"...Ah. Very well."
A different clerk answers Youmu. "Hmm?"
"...Wh-what do you do… to stop murderers?" Youmu lists a popular, frequently asked question!
The elderly clerk pauses for a moment. "...Is it a youkai?"
Youmu frowns. "I-I guess. If it makes a difference."
"It makes all the difference, young lady." The elderly clerk chuckles. "Now, what kind of murders?"
"...Stabbing. Burning." Youmu forces out.
The elder raises their eyebrows. "...Interesting."
"...The-the killer… they use a pair of scissors." Youmu fidgets as she describes him.
Huh.
...The clerk before me stares at me impatiently. Eheh…
"...We should talk this over somewhere else." The elderly clerk stands up. "Come with me, young lady…"
"Y-yes…" Youmu bows, and the counter is opened for her to follow.
Someone's been busy, huh…?
Anyway…
I slam open the doors to the youkai exterminator room! "Holy shit!"
George jumps "A-aah!"
Albus looks up at me, eyes wide.
Meira shoots a glare at me. "Where're the fairies!?"
I shrug exaggeratedly. "Dude, I don't fuckin' know! Look, we're gettin' gotten out there!"
Unamusement is present on her face. Please, no.
"Dude, believe me when I tell you; they gots themselves a bigass anti-son-of-a-bitch machine out there, and it's vaporizing people!" I point outside several times with my hands. "They took me, they shook me, and they made ma a new fookin' box!"
"Speak sense." Meira gets up, brandishing a steely look…
"Okay. Picture this…" I hold up my hands, making a picture frame with them. "Giant hoola hoops. From the sky. They're coming. Me and the guard platoon- we got wasted. They were all talkin' 'bout the future, and shit. We're done. We're getting casted into the dark ages, dude. Humanity is undone."
...Meira moves to draw her sword. "I'll be the judge of this."
She pushes past me, moving outside…
…
George narrows his eyes at me. "Are you-"
"Motherfuckin' clamp traps!" I slam my hands on the bar counter. "A dude got split in half and you're about to question me if this story's legit!? Man, fuck you, man. Like, man… man." I shake my head, as if disappointed. "Man."
"S-sorry…" He scratches the back of his head. "...Should we evacuate?"
"Uu~hm- yes. Yes. Definitely." I nod deeply. "If you don't, they'll take you, and you'll be gone."
"Ve-very well, then…" He nods. "...I'll wait for Meira to get back, just incase."
Smart man…
"I'll just go hide for life." I wave. "Don't get raped!"
With that, I close the door.
...The clerk stares at me with his jaw open.
"...I'd like to speak with your manager." I point at him. "Official exterminator things, you know."
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
I'm with Youmu, again. She's nervously brooding in this little wooden chair next to me…
An old man with a metric shitton of fancy robes meanders in. "...What is this about giant rings from the sky?"
First, my question. "Do ya know what the hell happened to Kamisharasausagefest?"
He blinks.
Youmu's brooding is momentarily broken to give me a look of pure incredulity.
"...I… know not who you are talking about." He shakes his head.
For reals, "Keine Kamiwhosherface."
…
"No such citizen ever existed." The man frowns at me.
Wait, hold on, then. "School teacher. Keine. Blue ha-"
"Do not speak of that name in this facility again, or you will be hung." The old man booms. I didn't know he could make such a voice…! "The matter is being looked into. Nothing more."
I have a penchant for being a nosy bastard, however. "Looked into how? Whaddaya know?"
"Silence, exterminator, or I'll have your badge revoked." He commands.
"Answer my bloody questions! It ain't hard!" This guy's tryin'a pull teeth, hea!
"Guards." His voice echoes throughout the facility.
...Men in purple robes- purple robes- run in. They's those twats who went after Reimu.
Guy won't tell me where Keine is. Matter's being 'looked into'.
Purple robes.
…
Youmu stands. "Wh-why me…?"
"We know you to be a youkai, miss Konpaku. Your display in the village the other day cemented our beliefs." He grinned. "Do not worry. You will not remain a youkai, for much longer…"
Hohoho~! I see how it is now!
A magic circle forms around us, but fuck that shit.
I pull out Youkai Inconveniencer.
Youmu draws her blades. "Th-this is horrible…"
Time to blind everyone!
Fwaaa~sh!
Screw your magic circle, yo.
"Blast it…"
"Accursed holy magic…"
"Damn…"
Bad part is that it blinds me, too. I think about reaching for Youmu-
Shi~ng!
Yeaa~h, Youmu can reach for herself…
I duck under the table.
Bam! That was the door.
"After them!" I hear the old big boss man yell, and the dark magi scramble to chase Youmu.
"Under the table…!"
I take out the Bawmber. I stand, pushing the table off myself.
The grand elder leers at me. "Foolish exterminator… This is where your career ends, and your new career as an Anti-Hakurei Unit begins!"
I raise the Bawmber. "There's only two ways this can end… and in both of them, you die."
He goes from mirthful to pissed off. "You…"
Running up to the wall, I smack it-
Boom!
I soar out of the room, through the door frame, to the surprise of the remaining dark mages and the big elder.
Bam!
Fuck walls…
I scramble out of the room as dark mages trail after me, moving slowly in their big robes. A few of them wave their staves, and they glow with green ener- ooh.
I'm slow! Yo, no!
Once they catch up ta me, I'll blast 'em!
...They near me, and their staves begin sparking.
No~pe! So much nope! I slam the floor with the Bawmber pre-emptively.
Bam!
Ceilings are a harsh mistress… My poor, aching back...
The mages back up, startled by the blast. I shamble to the lobby, and freakin toss myself over the desk…
Thud. Oo~f…
I hear the dark mages hot on my heels past the desk, so I haul my ass, and get the hell outta there!
I open the door as Meira does.
"You!"
No time for this! I strike the door with the Bawmber.
Bam!
"Guuah!" She goes flying out the door and into the dirt road. Villagers turn to stare…
I'm half dead, now. Like, shit. My arm is so fucking burnt… On the upside, I can hardly feel it…!
That might not be an upside, now that I think about it.
Kirisame Magic Shop! Floor it, legs! Just- ugh…
I pocket the Bawmber, and pull the Escape Plan forth.
A feel a hand grab my arm, but I turn and start scratching his hand with my untrimmed nails.
"Fuck…!" Hah! I break from him with a sudden tug of my arm, and use the speed boost to accelerate.
"Hehehe~!" You lose, noobs! You lo~se!
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
Adrenaline worn out… Euphoria from trolling dark mages faded…
After traversing purely backroads, I stumble into the Kirisame Magic Shop, and the little bell above the door rings.
Marcus looks up, and his eyes widen. "Wow. You turn yourself into a lich, or didja come here askin' me to do it for ya?"
"Po-potion…" I throw myself towards the counter.
"You have the money?" You asshole…
"Gimme a tab." I mumble, "Charge me extra on it, wh-whatever…"
He smiles. "Can't buy nothin' else till you pay it. Seven hundred fifty yen for a potion."
Sure. I hold out my good hand…
He plops the potion down into it, and I guzzle it- achk!
"Kough! Kough! Kough…!"
"Easy, kid. Dying here'll look bad on my life insurance." He quips.
Freakin'... Is life insurance even a thing in Gensokyo!?
After taking a breath, I shove the potion in my mouth again…
Gulp, gulp, gulp… gulp…
Haa~h…
...I feel better already.
I stand up straight as my legs slowly cease burning, and my arm begins to tingle again. "Thanks, doc. I really owe ya one…"
"More like seven hundred fifty." He grins. "Actually, I should prob'ly write that down, here…"
Freakin' oof. "I'll pay ya back once I get the dough, boss man…"
"If I had a yen for every time I heard that." He folded his arms. "I'll hold ya to it."
Koo. Someday I'll get that yen from George. Freakin', yo…
…
Youmu musta just bolted outta there, huh? And what was that 'bout murders? Hnngh… I gotta focus on the whole Keine deal, though. And prepare to fuck up the town guard headquarters. Some seriously shady shit's goin' down there, yo.
What'm I gonna do next… Well, it's like, midday. Ha-chan keeps mysteriously popping in on my happenings whenever she feels like it, so y'know, I dunno if I can count on her today.
"Hello, Brad-kun!"
Speaking of…! "Where were you!?" I point at her.
"Wahuh!?"
Don't you get all cute and flustered with me, fairy maid friend…! "I was gettin' lynched by dark mages, and you were all like- poof! Zoopin' doops!"
She pouts. "Aawwhh…"
She comes in for a hug, and, yeah.
…
I mean, what'm I gonna do, say no? I'd be fookin' stoopid.
…
I catch Marcus smirking at us. I would be, too.
…
So how long's this gonna go on? Not that I'm complainin', or anything…
…
Marcus's smirk becomes a smile.
…
I think he's actually getting bored. Maybe this has gone on long enough!
"...I appreciate the comfort cuddles, Ha-chan, but I got ass to kick." I declare.
Marcus snorts. "Pffft…"
...I turn to him. "I know, yo, funny comin' from me. S'actually a bit serious, though."
"If you say so…" He chuckles.
Time to pop el serioso question. "You seen Keine around?"
...He tilts his head. "Now that I think'a it, no."
"Exactly." I try to break from Ha-chan, but she holds on tighter. Ha-chan, please…
Marcus seems intrigued. "Hmm?"
I'm gettin' squeezed, dude! "H-Ha-chan, yo…"
She releases me, pouting. What's gotten into her, yo…?
I approach the desk. "I tried askin' the big man upstairs about Keine's whereabouts."
Marcus has an incredulous grin.
Oh, right, that refers to god, not boss people. I think. "I mean the big guy in the guard H.Q."
He tilts his head. "Li~ke…?"
Time to describe! "Big robes, has purple dudes helpin' him, old coot, no offense?"
Marcus nods, as if recalling something. "Aaa~h! You mean Paul. Guy was always kinda an asshole."
Freakin' Paul.
"...What was that 'bout Keine?" Marcus searches for answers.
"I think them weird guards got somethin' on Keine." I tell him. "...And, or, have her captive."
…
He looks me levelly in the eyes. "You're sure about this?"
Son. "Bloody well sure, mate."
…
…
…
Ha-chan slowly rises over my shoulder behind me.
"Alright. I'll pass the word along to someone who matters." He shrugs. "If you lied, I'll just smoke ya later."
Please, no.
I turn around, and notice Ha-chan behind me. Hello, friend.
...Carefully weaving past her, I continue to the door.
"Don't be a stranger." Kirisame sees me off.
"You too, yo." I wave back.
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
I must organize everyone for round two of the besiegement, and it will be upon the clown car of guards they call a guard headquarters!
Taking the main road back to the town square- holy shit.
Purple robed men seem to be navigating all the villagers out of the main square proper, setting up blockades of some kind in the center of town.
Oh, no, they fuckin' didn't!
Ha-chan's following me, and between her fairy wings and my long Kaguya hair- which I should probably freakin' take off- we're obvious as frik.
Actually… I've got a plan.
Grabbing Ha-chan's arm, I pull us into the back road-y bits. Searching the nearby walling, I open the nearest door, and drag her into the little square room thing. I dunno why these back alley doors have miniature indoor porches, but it's cool.
I begin undoing my suspenders, until I struggle with pretty much everything related to said suspenders, so uh, screw that. I manage to get my wig off, however!
"Oo~h…" Ha-chan stares at me as I half-ass the act of taking things off. "Are we playing birthday tag?"
Nope. Not gonna ask.
...I grin. "The frik is birthday tag?" I must know.
She smiles. "Well, you take all your clothes off-" Ooh. "-and you play tag." ...Oh. "It used to be a thing back in the mansion, but the chief told us we couldn't do that. She started killing us as soon as we took our clothes off…"
Sakuya~... Why~.
Oh, well. "No, friend, we aren't."
"Awwwh…"
Yeah, that's me, too.
I slip on my monk robes over my suspenders, and stash my Kaguya wig. Now, for Ha-chan… "Is there any way we can hide your wings?"
Ha-chan grabs her wings, concerned. "What's wrong with my wings…?"
Please. "Nothin', yo, it's just, them edgy mages will blast us if they know you're a fairy."
...She's still holding onto her wings.
This is gonna take some doin'...
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
Ha-chan and I walk up to the barricade of those pesky edgy mages. They're pretty much just shooing people away whilst congregating in the center of town. I dunno what it is they're doing, but it looks like a Harry Potter convention.
I walk up to one of the little paper barricade things they set up. "Greetings, officers!"
...The nearest edgy frik raises a brow. "How you know we're officers?"
This dude's, like, a teenager. Freakin' mook.
I roll my eyes. "C'mon, you're not wearin' freakin' superhero masks, guys. I mean- yeah."
…
Coulda been worse!
A different, taller guy comes up to us. "Well, we're occupying the village square. For the greater good." He explains to me. "Go home, citi-"
He sees Ha-chan. He's staring at her wings.
I roll my eyes and try to play it off all cool like. "She's a cosplayer, if you wanna know. I thought you guys'd be able to tell, cosplaying yourselves."
The tall guy frowns, but the teen blinks, and moves to speak. "O-oh… I thought she was a-... right. No youkai." He sighs. With the words 'no youkai' spoken, the taller man simply walks off, ignoring us. "Why'a you here?"
"Our house is on the street to the right there." I point to the road I want. "Like, yeah."
He nods. "No problem, bro."
Ha-chan has a disguise, you see. It is her regular clothing, except she's got that fake moustache and big nose with glasses. Flawless disguise.
He lets us follow him behind the barricade, and then we get stopped by more men in edgy ass purple robes. "Are these citizens prisoners?"
"Nah, bro. Cosplayers." Our escort holds up his hands and makes the peace sign at them. "They goin' home."
The taller, older men stare at us judgmentally. "...They are suspicious."
Our escort sasses him, like a good rebellious teenager. "Bro we're wearin' like purple robes all up in this shit and we callin' people suspicious?"
The man recoils in disgust, while the other one simply shakes his head and walks away. "Brother Jackal, I'll have you know that this color represents our youkai oppression, and-"
"My name's Jack, bro. Y'can keep callin' me Jackal, though. Kinda cool." He makes a neutral-yet-asshole-ish face. Neutrally an asshole, basically.
The man scowls. "Your insubordination is, to be quite frank, disgusting."
"Bro, your face is disgusting. Ooo, kill 'em!" He reels back, grinning. "Hahaha~!"
I may have picked the wrong escort.
"Guh…" The taller man flinches, then begins walking away, shaking his head. "Your defiance will be reported."
Hyo~nk! Reported, noob! Gettin' yo account deleted! That's what you get for killing me in an M-rated, multiplayer first-person shooter!
With that, the taller man moves further into the crowd of barney-robed asshats.
"...Gay." The escort mumbles, turning to me. "C'mon, bro. Lemme get you and your wife out of this… stupidfest."
I'd like to wander how the word 'gay' even evolved to be what it is, inside the barrier. I guess outside world culture? What other outsiders are here? If there're any, I don't see 'em, and Keine reacted pretty freakin' negatively to my outsider clothes.
Maybe it was my poofy hair…! Ho ho!
Actually… "Are you from outside the barrier?" I ask abruptly, even though we're near the other road.
He pauses, and slowly turns to look at me… "How the fuck?"
I dunno if I was right or wrong about that statement!
"How you know that?" He narrows his eyes. "You one of them mind-readin' type youkai? I knew they existed!"
"You talk like a freakin' dudebro from the States. It's kinda hard not to tell, buddy." I point at him.
Ha-chan decides to help. "You're also- uhm, you're also really well-rounded! Like an outsider…?"
I'm not sure that helped all that much, Ha-chan…!
…
"W'ever." Shaking his head, he walks up ahead of this street's paper barricades, and I follow him. "Get outta here, 'n' don't come back. These fucka's fry your ass, homie. Staves that go 'zap', know wha' I'm sayin'?"
I nod. "Don't fry my ass, got it."
He grins, and walks away.
Well, that went well enough!
...Hastily, I near the house, and scramble inside, holding the door open for Ha-chan to barge in with me. Surprised by my sudden haste, she clumsily throws herself inside, as well.
Slam.
...Pleasingly most of my fairy maids are back here!
Most.
Gravity-chan is missing, rest in pieces. Koi's noticeably not here, which is hmm…
Komi is playin' wit Mapleweather over by the broken table.
"...I think the important question might be when we're here." Mapleweather declares.
"Right now." Komi has her arms folded, annoyance slowly rising… "The better question is how I haven't killed you yet."
Nevermind, I dunno who's playin' with who.
Namori sat on the bed, twiddling her thumbs.
Ha-chan moved to mingle with her friends. "Hello, friends!"
"H-hi…"
"Shut up."
"Hey, Ha-chan!"
Friendly…
Anyhow, we've got ourselves a new table craft in here! Although… "Yo Komi, you know where Koi is?"
Komi turns to me, ready to snap, but pauses. "...I think she went to the bar. Probably getting tipsy, as she does."
Freakin' drunk. She's probably gonna get freakin' nuked.
I scan the room a bit, and I see Fred in the corner, tied up, but not gagged. He had a plate of crackers next to him, only half eaten.
"Hey, look." I point at him. "It's Fred Fuchs."
"Just sod the fuck off, mate." He counters. "An' who're you? A fookin' youkai? Sorry disgrace you are, mate."
Ha-chan moves next to me, and glares down at him.
He glares back. "Fairy cunt."
To be fair, being tied up for multiple days wouldn't leave me in a pleasant mood, either.
Ha-chan gets closer to him, opening her mouth to say words, but none come. Instead, she just seethes.
I put a hand on her shoulder. "No, friend. He is simply having hard times."
She sighs. "I guess…"
Fred snaps at her. "Y'fookin' guess!? You guess!? Look at me! Do I look fookin' happy!? This… this is deplorable! Th-this is incomprehensible stupidity!"
I look around. "Alright, where's the tape?"
Komi walks up to him with it. "On it."
Fred sighs. "Of course. Can't take the truth, can y', you- mmph!" He attempted to maneuver out of the way of the tape, but Komi was swift and precise.
That's enough, Fred. Those're my fruity pebbles, now.
I bend down, and take his half-eaten crackers, and start munching on a few. The ones without bite marks, mind you.
"I got those from a trash can, by the way." Komi informs me as she moves back towards Mapleweather.
...If I could reverse eat them, I would. I start spitting anyway. "Pftoo! Echk!"
Freakin'...
Anyway, assaulting the guard house. I feel like a head-on approach ain't gonna be kosher, 'specially when they got edgy mages out the wazoo. Goin' fairy gear solid, though…
I look over at Komi, who's attempting to trap Mapleweather in a chokehold.
"Na-Nam-chan! He~lp!" Mapleweather calls for Namori's help.
...Namori curls up into a ball, and lays down on the bed.
...Well, it couldn't be worse than smashing our heads on their front door. Only problem's that we don't got Koi to be anti-infantry, which was kinda a big deal. Those AoE orbs were pretty much the bulk of our offense.
Komi and company'd make one hell of a distraction team, though! Hmm…
…
Fairy gear solid it is!
"Alright, friends..." I crack my knuckles… which is, wow. Musta been a game of Tetris goin' on in there, or somethin'...!
The fairies all look at me, interest levels ranging from 'engaged' to 'completely oblivious'.
"...Alright, friends." I start again, because knuckles. "Let's get this show on the road. You know what pub Koi went to?"
Komi shrugs. "The one in the square."
Fuck. Well… "I know where we're doin' our practice run, then. That table there," I point to it. Komi and Mapleweather turn to look at it. "That's our new mode of transport, yo."
…
"I call not carrying it." Komi blurts. "Woo."
I nod, stroking my chin. "We're gonna need some whee~ls..."
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
We progress off the back road, and into the main street with our fairy-powered vehicle!
"Quick- other side of the road…" I announce, as best as one can announce in a hushed tone.
"Wh-where…?" Namori and Mapleweather are our wheels. Two wheels does not a car make.
"Freakin', an alley!" I wave, even if they can't see it. "Get goin'..."
Our craft stumbles around, and even with Ha-chan on it, I find keeping a good balance precariously difficult!
I look over to Ha-chan, who is trying to make silly poses while standing behind me. That's why the balance is shot…
Komi's trailing behind us, shooting mean glares to witnesses. There's not a terrible amount of witnesses, but I can tell the purple robe group is being all like 'what the hell'. Some guys're moving to interromagate us, but they're not gonna reach us before we fade into obscurity in the alleyways.
After a period of wobbling across the entire freakin' road, we make it to our destination. Inside the alley, we crash into walls, and hit garbage cans on our way to the pub.
"Can this thing get more rickety!?" I yell at my wheels!
Suddenly, I find myself struggling to stay on as the table violently rocks back and forth. "Y-yo! Okay, okay, I'm sorry! You're gonna throw me- yo!" I nearly clipped a gutter with my face!
Alright, stabilization is kinda sorta returning… I can swear Mapleweather's giggling under there.
Wait! "Guys, right! Go right!"
We swerve right like a bunch of maniacs-
Bam!
Pffft… First, ouch. Second, holy shit. I like, got thrown into a section of walling, and I landed back on the table. "You guys are shitty wheels…"
Luckily, the pub's right here. Unluckily, we crash right into it.
Bam!
I'm thrown off and into the back wall of the pub, as the table backs up…
I drop to the floor, and stare up into the midday sky...
Thud. Ha-chan drops onto my stomach. "Huuu…!"
...She stands up, and gets off of me, as I shamble back to my feet…
Freakin'...
...Alright. "I'll go in. You guys-"
"I need a drink." Komi decides.
Mapleweather casts the tabletop aside, and reaches for Namori. "I think this'll be fun! C'mon Nam-chan!"
"I-I don't like alcohol…" Namori protests, her heels dragging in the dirt as Mapleweather drags her towards us.
...Well. I look to Ha-chan…
...She slowly clings to me like a freakin' magnet, smile unchanging.
I was gonna tell 'em to wait out here, but I guess this is becomin' a big freakin' to-do! "...Let's just, uh, go in, then."
...I slowly creep up to the back door, and whisper to them. "We're doin' this stealth. I dunno what you guys were thinkin', but this is gonna be quick."
"Why are you whispering?" Komi stares at me dryly. "Look…"
She pushes past me, and just loudly swings the door open, stepping in.
"C'mon, Nam-chan!" Mapleweather drags an increasingly flustered Namori in.
Ha-chan begins pushing me. "Let's get drunk, Brad-kun!"
What. No.
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
Well, we found Koi. She's currently hugging a big bag that says 'Granulated Sugar' in big bold font.
"...Ha~ yhou doin', bay~by?" She nuzzles it. Her table is dotted with empty mugs of beer.
Komi walks up to the bartender- from behind the counter, mind you- and makes her order. "Booze."
He frowns. "The hell're you doing, back here?"
...Komi climbs up onto the counter, pushing someone's drink off-
Smash!
-and takes a seat on a bar stool on the other side. "Booze."
Komachi grabs her by the shoulder. "Ey, bitch! Ya brohke mah booze!"
The bar is noticeably empty, aside from a smashed Suika lying on the floor in the corner, Koi, my fairy squad, and some short blonde lady. She had a black eye patch, and a freakin'... fedora.
I'm gonna assume she's an outsider, or some shieut. That'd explain the hipster tripster look.
Also, I'm in literal debt right now, so I can't buy no one no drinks!
Mapleweather pulls out the wallet she thefted; come to think of it, I have no idea what happened to that home owner. I don't particularly care, either…
"Drinks are on me, everyone~!" She starts shelling out yen bills. I know she didn't spend much back at the market, but Christ, that guy probably coulda moved out of that two room shack with that shit!
I turn to her, furrowing my brows. "How much you even got on you?"
"I don't know!" She cheers, tossing the money at the bartender. "I just give money, and I get stuff! Money's so cool…"
...Well, you do you, Maple...
Backpedalling from the table, I watch Komachi give Mapleweather a bear hug, promptly shoving her head in her cleavage.
I dunno if this'll be great for morale, or terrible. If everyone's drunk, I might be able to get them to do cuddly things. On the other hand, they might drink themselves into a coma and get pichuun'd by sheer alcohol levels.
Can fairies die of alcohol overdose? I'm sure Keine'd be reassured knowing I'm overthinking fairy mortality rather than saving her from whatever's got her locked up…
A paper ball bounces off my head. I turn to the hipster tripster…
"Get your baka ass over here!"
…
Hipster lady covers her mouth, realizing I actually paid attention to her.
Did she just use baka, and it didn't get translated by the barrier of language and shieut? Oh, well if that ain't a dead giveaway...
I strut up to the table. "Hello, friend."
...She narrows her eyes. "Who said we were friends?"
"Me." I declare.
She rolls her eyes. "Please. You're just some nobody Myouren monk, I'm sure. Don't worry. I'll be sure to tell Hijiri-chan that you tried to be kind to me."
Friendly. Guess I'll get to the point, then! "You're an outsider."
She smirks. "How'd you guess? Hehehe… Even though I'm an outsider, I'm capable, you know. So don't try to deceive me or anything, or I'll be sure to make you pay."
Oh no. "What's your 'ability', yo?" That's the terminology, right?
"My ability is to manipulate luck." She smiles. "That's why Yukari picked me to survey Gensokyo, for her. But, it's not all roses, you know…"
If what you say is true, you can win the lottery all day, any day. It's all the roses.
"My dear brother, Greg, got lost in this sleazy village. I cannot seem to find him for the life of me… and those purple robed brutes…" She grits her teeth. "I'll make them pay."
Careful with that edge, lady. Y'might just cut the fourth wall in half!
Yes, Yukari, that means you, what is this shit.
I sit at the table with the hipster tripster, and Yukari hangs out of a gap above a different seat. "I'm busy. This is the second time. Make it count."
The girl's jaw drops. "Yu-Yu…!?"
Geesh. Gonna be like walking on freakin' loaded bazookas. "Who is this?"
Yukari glances at her. "I know not, nor do I care. Fresh outsider. Is that all?"
Next question. "Can she control luck?"
Yukari furrows her brows at her… "She's just a normal human. As far as you're concerned, no. If that will be all, I'll see myself out."
...She takes a look around, first. "Hmm. I think I'll drown you in beer the next time you bother me."
Please don't be serious about that, friend. That day would be an objectively bad one.
With that, Yukari disappears.
…
"Sh-she's lying…" The blonde girl tries to defend. "She-she gapped me here- she had to have… It-it had those eyes! The purple eyes! She gapped me here!"
Komi sits where Yukari sat previously, smirking as she held an oversized mug of beer. "He~y, ugly bastard!"
Pffft…
"...I see yhou found somethin' equally crappy. Who the hell wears a fedora?" Komi insults the shaky girl.
...She stares down at the table, looking unstable. "I-I…" Then, she gives Komi a teary-eyed glare. "Fedoras are cool! You're- you're just a lame fairy!"
…
Komi narrows her eyes at her. "...What was that, bitch?"
We do not need a war between edgy bastards. "She said you're a flame fairy. She thinks that black hair of yours- it means coal, she thought." I cover for the noob.
...Komi shrugs. "She might be right."
…
The girl's staring at me now, eyes all teary. Freakin'... now I feel guilty about bein' all critical of her. "What's your name?" Time for introductions!
"...Aerith Reinhardt." She smiles.
…
…
She becomes sheepish. "...S-Sarah…"
Yeah, thought so.
"...Ba-"
"Last names are bad." I speak over her. "As in, they're a bad idea." The air has eyes! I mean, considering you're not a- actually Yukari said she was gonna drown me in beer, nevermind. I thought nothing!
"O...okay…" She seems to have calmed down.
Now, for the stupid gear… "What's with all the tacky clothing?"
"I-I stole it." She admitted, sitting her head on the table.
Hyonk. "The luck thing?"
She winces. "...I-I like cards."
Komi perks up. "Cards? Aw, yeah!"
Oh no. For real, I mean.
The little girl smiles. "Yeah… Yeah, I'm great at cards!"
Ha-chan popped up from behind my shoulder. "Cards? I like cards!" Ha-chan, you can't play Go Fish. How do you like cards!?
Komi takes a big sip from her mug. "I'm great at cards, girl. Watch 'n' learn."
Uhhh… Keine's gonna have to be patient, I guess.
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
Gensokyo loves Go Fish.
We all hold up our cards. Komi gets to go first after some drunken rage on her part, which intimidated Sarah.
"...Y'goh a Two of Aces?" She asks me.
A I'm sorry what? A two… of Aces? What kind of suite is Aces!?
...I shake my head. "Nope." I don't got any aces, but I gots a two. No, uh… two of aces, though.
She stands up, slamming her cards down on the table. "Yhooh lyin' fuck!"
I draw Swift Brand! Komi, no! Yo~!
She cringes, clipping the table with her gut trying to move through it, and ends up falling. For safety, I also add a gust of wind.
Fwoosh!
Cards fly everywhere, and Komi ends up sprawled out on the floor ahead of us…
"M-my cards!" Sarah got up, and began scrambling for her cards…
Ha-chan pouts. "Awwh…"
...I turn to her, grinning. "Do ya got a three of fours? Or maybe a ten of twos?"
Sarah giggles, despite having to play almost-fifty-two pickup.
"Myaa~hn…" Komi concedes defeat to the world.
So… Status report? Ha-chan's fine, Maple's drunk, Komi's freakin' drunk, Koi's freakin' drunk, and Namori…
"Hic!" Namori laid her head down on the bar counter.
...She actually only drank a little. I dunno if that was a crying 'hic' or a drunk 'hic', though.
Sarah seems to have gotten her cards in order. "...There."
Might as well engage her in discussion before I round up the troops! "...The frik're you doin' in a bar?"
"It-it was the only place to duck into." She huffed. "And that guy-" She points at the bar keep, "won't let me use the back door. Those purple robed guys kept calling me a youkai…"
I think I got a solution to the barkeep…
Drawing Tundra Bloomer, I focus on him. "Time to tuck this freakin' noob into bed, yo~!"
I focus on him, and cast Gaia Seed…!
Fwooo~…
A magic circle forms around him, and throws off his balance. He stumbles a bit, but grabs the counter.
An~d, again…!
Fwooo~...
Another green circle forms around him, as hazy magic makes a mist in the air…
Again, again!
Fwooo~...
...He's not getting sleepy?
"Enough! Enough!" He shouts at me. "You're lucky your friend up here's shelling out big bucks!"
...I tilt my head. "How're you immune to the sleep effects?"
He rolls his eyes, and takes out- is that a freakin' ankh on a piece of paper?
"Status effect immunity. Comes in real handy." With that, he stashes it away, grinning. "So don't think about blindness, either. You wouldn't believe the shit people cast on me for kicks."
Don't even know, yo. Don't even know.
…
"Can this girl use the back door?" I gesture at Sarah and said back door.
"I got so much money from you, you can do almost whatever you want. As long as ya don't smash shit, or attack me. Again."
Eheh.
...I turn to Sarah. "When ya get out, go two houses down, take a left, cross the street. There'll be this two room house with no occupants and the back door's open."
She blinks. "...O-okay. Thanks, mister."
Nuggets…
"...What's your name?" She asks me.
Darkwing Duck. "Brad."
As for Greg, I dunno who the frik that is. Oof.
Now, to rally the friends! "Everybody who's a fairy, stand up!"
All my fairy friends stand up- or try to, at least.
Koi's still smugly nuzzling her Granulated Sugar. "Wha~safazza…" She's smashed, dude…
Komi's lying on the floor, kersmashed. Ha-chan's fine; I dunno if she even drank or not. Mapleweather stumbles up next to me…
"He~y…" She holds the wallet upside down, revealing it to be empty. "I blew i~t… Hehehe!"
That you did, friend.
Namori trudges over to us from her seat, looking emotionally and physically drained, for some reason.
...Koi leaps from her seat, stumbling around, before approaching me with her bag of sugar…
"Here." She lifts it over her head, and tries to smash me with it, or something.
"Friend, why." I backpedal, as it slams into the floor.
Thud. Fssssh…
That was the sugar all spilling out. I heard the barkeeper sigh in the background.
"We're not just some fairies with a table." I try to rouse their vigor. "We're goin' through with a plan!"
Slowly, I proceed towards Komi… "These guys're contriving a crime of the violentest type, so we gotta put the big shnooze on 'em, know what I'm sayin, yo!?"
Komi drunkenly looks up at me. "Aahn."
Hrm… This might take a lil' doin'...
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
Ha-chan is loosely holding onto Komi to make sure she stays on the table. Mapleweather's still gonna be a wheel, which is slightly worrying. They say not to drive drunk, but I'm not sure they meant 'don't drive a vehicle that has a single drunken wheel'.
I guess I'm technically driving a drunk! It's equally as dangerous, though, I'd hazard…
Our table's rocking back and forth violently as Mapleweather has a jolly old time underneath it, dancing in place and performing silly marches, hardly attempting to hold the table properly as it slightly smooshed her under its weight…
"A-and three cheers fer… Hurra~h! Waa~h!"
Mapleweather trips, dropping the front of the table. No, no, no no no…!
I slide off onto the dirt of the alley below us. Ha-chan moves out of the way of Komi, then ends up sliding onto my back. Koi ends up sliding onto her back...
...Komi rests her head on my shoulder. "Y'fooh…" Alcohol breath! Waaa~l!
Mapleweather lifts the table half she's responsible for again. "Sorreh about that…"
Freakin'... "Ha-chan, I'm being squished by multiple drunks. Help…!"
Komi and Koi're far heavier than they used to be… Do fairies get heavier from all that booze? ...I noticed they don't piss it out, but I thought it normal because no one defecates on-screen.
Ha-chan complies, straining herself a little as she lifts the heavy figure of Koi back onto the table top. Then, she does the same for Komi...
…
"Me, next." I can't fly onto it, yo. Not without a prep time.
Ha-chan gladly lifts me up by my arms, and onto the tabletop.
It's not too long before we wobble-hobble our asses down across one of the main roads, and into another alley. From here, we approach the back of the guard headquarters…
"Is… is this thing powered?"
I hear the voice of the old boss man from the center of town. His voice echoes across the village.
"Good, good… I know you are all wondering about the military occupation of the village center, and the allocation of citizens to their homes…" He begins a long-winded speech. Oh boy… "Rest assured, this is the beginning of something great."
The sun was beginning to set, casting the town in a dim glow.
"We ask that you report any potential youkai to us immediately at the town square, and preferably bring them with you, as well. Our new program should allow us to reform youkai for better use to the people of this fair village."
We reach the back of the guard headquarters, where there are numerous side doors because why wouldn't there be?
Matt was at the back doors, fiddling with a locked side door, when he turned and saw my pimped out fairy-mobile.
"...What the hell…?" He gaped in awe, yo! I'm pretty sure it was awe...
I heard the freakin' funkmeister on magical loudspeaker, again. "We were going to present this change to the village at a later date, but certain… circumstances have forced our hands. Now is the time for action!"
"Hi, son!" I give him a cheeky greeting. "We came to be terrorists."
"How terrible." He remarks. "I assume you're here for similar reasons to mine?"
Daa~h… "Purple KKK?"
...Reluctantly, he nods. "Basically."
Hyonk. "How we bustin' in?"
"...Well, I was going to see if I could mess with the locks. Not that I have anything for that." He sighed. "This building unfortunately has very few windows, as well. I just got here, you know."
I shrug. "I could just break the door down."
He furrows his brows. "Yeah, very stealthy."
Freakin'... I hate planning sometimes, yo…
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
END OF CHAPTER 39
PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Fairy Slayer, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine, Sky Climber, Amateur Espionage Practitioner, Illegal Fairy Harborer, Holder of Too Many Titles.
PRIMARY WEAPON: Tundra Bloomer - A earth-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock; has a flower curved around the hilt. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. Allows casting of Gaia Seed. Casts Tundra, a weak spike of ice!
INVENTORY:
Youkai Inconveniencer - Apparently a semi-crux to youkai and undead via a holy spell and being naturally strong against them, but it doesn't sound particularly efficient. Most respectable youkai seem to only be momentarily stunned, and anything without visual receptors or possibly a pair of sunglasses would probably be immune. Acts as a flashlight via candles. Converted to a flail with cross necklaces! Can cast Shine.
Swift Brand - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can create small compressed air blasts. By the addition of a steel block, it gained enhanced striking power and weight, along with increased ability to channel magic into any sort of special effects it has.
Flame Salvo - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Enchanted to have an incendiary effect upon sufficient striking force, or sufficient velocity. Good for burning stuff and people! Boosts fire abilities, allows physical strikes to do fire damage. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Has a flamethrower nozzle. Can cast Fume, has Flamethrower Plus!
Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.
Deep Blue- A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Enchanted to constantly produce fresh water. Boosts abilities of water-based attacks and allows physical attacks to deal water damage. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...
Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.
Sharper Than Darkness- A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon style, with increased bleeding but fighting power being the main attributes. Can cast Revenge, a dark spell which has more extreme proportions of the weapon's innate attributes. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to give it an extra deadly edge in combat.
Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.
The Escape Plan - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, and a gift from Flandre Scarlet. Has an obsolete map out of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Has various negatives mentioned in earlier inventory summarizations…
Market Gardener - Critical hits during blast jumps! Otherwise, it's just a normal, old plant hanger. Named after a very similar shovel…!
Holy Talismans - Provides a holy upgrade and elemental shift to a weapon of choice!
Electric Talismans - Provides an electric upgrade and elemental shift to a weapon of choice!
NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please.
NERF longsword - "CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals"… you know what that means!
Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! 75% time resistance on equip. Voice, face, and height specifications not included!
Monk Robes - Wear to become a Buddhist! Actually pretty comfy…!
Butterfly Dream Pills - Because I forgot to list that I grabbed these a few chapters ago! Makes you dream of being a beautiful butterfly!... now, if only there was a pill for lucid or wet dreams, and then I'd consider Yagokoro the doctor to end all doctors!
Remilia Scarlet Disguise - Wearing this as a tall manchild's probably not doing anyone with eyes any favors. Has resistances of sorts, but I'm not in a big fat hurry to find out…
A Wiffle Duster - For shoving up people's rectums.
PARTY:
London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks of both the magical and physical variety. Gets a lance, and can shoot danmaku. Has a variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has a mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly.
PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. London shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.
ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:
HEEYYYAAAAH how's it goin' fellas
so~ this big shebang be in the works!
time to finally tie up some LOOSE ENDS with the whole KEINE SITUATION, and make the villagers a little more intimidating than just GENERAL ASSHOLERY
fairy mania, yo
hubba bubba
also i checked around; forest mix is DEFINITELY my jam, even if i could never do the insane amount of synonyms that guy does per update; then again, THP posts are comparatively a bit shorter than these 10 k JUNKFOODMANIA CHAPTERS
also yeah i've read one of Keymaster's works, Being Meiling; that episodic nature was genius, and i'm considering such an approach for future fanfics as it seems really open to fooling around with good moments; the nature of this work, since it follows me or someone else chronologically at every waking moment, is that sometimes you might get sorta BORING PERIODS where ai'm just DOING BUSYWORK or MOVING FROM PLACE TO PLACE, whereas episodic things skip straight to the good parts
i'm still PONDERING IT, THOUGH… grass is always greener, as they say...
that reminds me, i need to read more of Keymaster's stuff; typing about it made me remember he wrote more than Being Meiling, so i should definitely check that out
also yeah sakuya's knives use the names of the caster heartless for funsies . w .
as always, see you all next time!
