(in which we smooth up some edges)
Matt comes back from his outdoor casing, approaching the backside of the guard headquarters again. "The only windows are in the front, apparently. If there are any others, they're virtually unreachable by ordinary means."
I mean, we could fly…
"...I never was good at lockpicking." Matt reflects, jiggling one of the door knobs of the back doors.
You'd think they'd've left some doors open…
"We- we could grease 'em…" Komi slurs.
"Hell yeah!" Koi suddenly blares. "I wanna shlide them knobsh up my ass!"
…
"I fear for our safety." Matt deadpans.
Hmmm… I'm pretty sure the front door's a bad idea. Somethin' just gives me that hunch… mainly it being the front door.
"Wish we had some intercoms, yo." I reflect.
"I'd rather not." Matt monotones. "Your incessant chatter would make me go insane."
That's the point!
He looks up at the square ledges of the building… "Do you think there'd be anything to latch onto, up there?"
Daa~h… "Maybe. But…"
I turn to Ha-chan, who was eagerly smiling behind me.
I gesture to her. "She's cuddly, dude."
"Quite. And most likely braindead as well." He blankly stares at Ha-chan.
"Ha-chan, do some scoutin' for us!" I make my enthusiastic request!
Ha-chan salutes. "Aye aye, Brad-kun!"
...Matt stares at me vainly. "Brad-kun."
I nod smugly. "Brad-kun."
Ha-chan floats up, looking over the ledge above…
…
Oh, yeah. "Tell us what's up there!" I hush-yell to her. Probably just yelled, all things considered…
"Uh… Things!" Ha-chan elaborates.
Ha-chan, if I couldn't see your panties right now, I might've been disgruntled by that. "What kinda things!?"
"Well, there's a table…" She began listing things. "A door… some windows… Oo~h!" She floats over onto the ledge.
Yo! "Come back, friend, come back!"
Matt facepalms. "If this goes wrong, I blame you."
Fair enough!
Ha-chan comes back, holding some flowers. "Lookit…"
She floats down to me, and holds them. They're some blue flower…
…
"I see." I bathe in the presence of the flowers.
Ha-chan pumps a fist into the air, stoked. "They're so pretty…!"
"That's very nice," Matt addresses her, "however, I did not come here to simply look at some stupid flowers."
Hyonk.
Looking up at the ledge, he tries to judge something… "Where exactly is that table?" He inquires. "I might be able to make use of it."
Ha-chan lifts her arms. "Up."
"...Great." He sighs.
I have a way to navigate! "Ha-chan, carry me up, friend."
Ha-chan grabs my waist, and lifts me, floating up to the upper platform…
On the upper level, the table is concealed behind much of the platform. It was pretty much, like, six feet from the ledge. It was a tiny coffee table, too.
"...Well, seems like my structural reconnaissance was pointless." Matt complains.
I lean over the ledge. "Pick a fairy, friend."
Komi preemptively walks up to the wall, and into it. Then, she tries to fly, slowly floating upward, before making a U-turn in the air, doing a backflip, and faceplanting.
"'Cept that fairy." I amend. "She's drunk."
He eyes the fairies… "I'm sure most of them are drunk."
"Hic!" Koi hiccups.
"Hea…" Mapleweather opens her wallet, thumbing through nothing. "O-oh…"
Namori makes herself scarce, hunching over to appear smaller…
He takes a moment to ponder...
"You there." He points at Namori. "Are you drunk?"
"I-I…" She fidgets. "...Ye-yes?"
"Trick question." He steps towards her. "You should carry me."
Namori looks concerned. S'not necessarily a new look, either…! "A-ah…"
"I'd rather be flown by a plane that doesn't wanna leave the airport, than one filled with terrorists that might fly into the world trade center." Matt makes the obligatory nine-eleven reference.
Freakin'... "Get up here, you clowns."
Mapleweather flies up.
Straight up.
...Well. She'll come back, eventually. I think.
Koi does some kind of shoryuken-imitation jump, proceeding to fall back down towards the platform…
Thud.
"Aaa~yyhh…"
Komi darts off the floor, spirals through the air, and eventually-
Bam!
...She made it above the platform, at least.
...Peeling off the wall, Komi stumbled back, and proceeded to fall off the platform, landing next to Matt and Namori.
Matt stares at Namori. "Well. Now it's only you left, anyway."
...Reluctantly, Namori slowly floats up, lifting Matt by his under arms. Slowly, carefully, she inches through the air towards the platform.
…
Matt begins to look around idly.
…
He yawns.
…
Eventually, she reaches the platform, and he breaks from her himself. "Great. Now…" He looks at the door. "I suppose there's only one option here."
Komi raises herself off the floor. "Fuahk it! I-I'm goin' 'round…"
There's our distraction.
I move towards the door, gesturing for everyone else to follow. Matt moves with me, while the fairy friends follow behind…
Thud.
Mapleweather slammed into the roof- the very top roof, above the platform we were on.
"I suggest we take this slowly." Matt recommends, before glancing at the nearby windows. "We know not what's behind that door."
"Freakin' noobs!" I declare. I turn the handle-
Oh. They locked it. For some reason.
...I turn to Matt. "I dunno, son. We might need bombs."
Smirking, he proceeds towards the window. "I don't think that would help."
I look in the other window, seeing the room empty. I try to slide open the window, only to find it's not locked, but it's freakin' stuck!
There's only one way to do this, then…
I take Swift Brand, and brutalize the window!
Shatter!
Matt cringes violently. "What the hell…?"
"Everyone, crouch…!" I instruct everyone in a hushed tone!
Matt, Namori, and myself all did so. Koi just fell over.
Thud.
…
"What the hell was that?" I hear a guard enter the room. "Oh, damn it all… Someone tell Paul the damned kids broke the window again!"
"What? Again?" A different guard groaned. "Look, we're kinda busy, here. We'll-we'll send a janitor when we got one. They're all kinda busy with the square occupation."
"Oh, right." The guard sighs. "...Guess I'll just leave this, then."
...I hear him walk away.
...I stand back up, and move to climb through the window. "You guys wait here. I'll unlock the door."
Matt furrows his brows. "And how will you do that?"
Pffft. Yo… "Everyone knows doors are unlocked when they'd be completely inconvenient to go through, yo. That's like, door design one-oh-one." Too many times in video games have the unlocked doors been the locked doors I explicitly went around.
Luckily, the window was right next to the door. The bad part was that it was a rather tiny window…!
...I use Swift Brand to clear a little glass in the way, and then I ready to run in… "Wish me luck, yo…!"
Wait. Jumping…
Hmm.
I run, and leap through the window. I attempt to jump again as I fly through, but it doesn't work.
Thud. Guh… carpet. The uncomfy kind of carpet! The bristly kind that gives you rashes.
I stand from the bristly carpet, and look around the room…
Tables, and candles. Some empty plates. What is this room…? Freakin' lobby or something.
Turning to the door, I go to jiggle the handle…
Ah. So it's locked on both sides. The madmen.
…
I move to the other window, and try to slide it open. It's also freakin' stuck.
...I look around the room. There're a few open doors nearby, and they just lead to halls. This place is pretty open-ended…
…I open a door that's suspiciously close to the room, and find a closet! Yea~h!
Leaving the closet open, I take out Tundra Bloomer…
Maybe I should warn the friends…
Navigating to the broken window, I peek my head out. "Yo."
"The door is still locked." Matt observes.
"You may wanna duck outta the way again." I tell them. Where the frik did Ha-chan go…?
Someone taps on my shoulder. I tense up, but I know who it is…
...I turn to face Ha-chan. "Where'd you come from?"
She just smiles.
...Alright. Buffing myself, I abruptly inflict violence on the door.
Bam!
Quickly! Break!
Bam!
The door opens slowly, vibrating. Adrenaline rushes into me as I grab Ha-chan, and bolt for the closet I left open.
I push her in, and follow behind her.
Hiding inside, I leave it cracked…
…
"Okay, what the fuck was that!?" A man in purple robes passes by the closet, a regularly dressed guard behind him.
"I dunno, dude. Shit's spooky." The normal guard states his opinion.
...Cautiously, I edge out from the closet, watching them...
For whatever reason, Ha-chan tries to leap onto my back. What the frik…!?
"...It's just open?" The robed man pushes it open and steps outside…
I stumble from the closet, Ha-chan hanging onto me like a freakin' monkey. I near the properly dressed guard…
He turns to me. "Wha- dude-!"
Bam! Shit's spooky, son!
I clothesline him with Tundra Bloomer, and as he falls, I hit him once more for good measure.
Thwack.
...I think that's uh, a knock out.
The edgy darkness mage has paused at the door. He seems to have spotted Koi, considering what action to take…
...Matt peeks around the door, and then decides to use it.
The mage spots him. "Hey-"
Wham! Y'gonna get spooked, son!
I step out of the way as the mage stumbles back inside. Once he's on the floor, I make sure he's actually asleep by casting Gaia Seed…
Fwooo~...
The earthy, green circle forms around him, and lightly rocks him, lulling him to sleep.
"Night night, noo~b…" Hyonk.
...Also, freakin'... "Ha-chan, can ya get off my back?" It's not unwelcomed, it's just unwelcomed in this context!
Matt struts inside, Namori following him. I assume Koi's just gonna chill out, out there…
"Simply elegant." The sarcasm! It sti~ngs!
...I look down at the guards. "What the frik're we gonna do wit' 'em?"
"Become one with them." Matt jests.
…That's it! "Du~de…" I nod my head exaggeratedly, and begin taking off my suspenders…
Matt watches me. "...If that's what you're into, sure."
Freakin' homoerotic undertones! "Son, no. We're gonna become them, like, dude." I have a pun, but I'm going to save it!
"...I still don't have that sort of orientation." Matt continues.
Ha-chan cheers. "We are playing birthday tag!"
"...However, I think I'll be taking those robes for now." Matt decides, crouching with me as we plunder the clothing.
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
That took too long!
Next to me stood Ha-chan, now clad in only a bra and panties, holding the guard's sword. Yeah, I couldn't stop her. "...You guys got dressed up, again…" She pouted.
I was now clad in generic guard gear. "I am the cob chameleon man!"
…
"Oink! Sting bath!" I move to pinch Matt...
Matt now had the edgy robes on! Ho ho! "It seems I've officially joined the edge-federation now, for whatever reason." He examines his new wardrobe, seemingly unsure how to exactly take it...
He also had the staff thing, but I don't think any of us could use it.
I succeed! "Ouch!" He flails his arm at me, before punching my side.
"Hahaha!" I get a good chuckle!
Namori stood in the corner of the room the entire time, blushing furiously…
Wait. Nearly naked Ha-chan, sheepish Namori, and the two of us look like guards…
We've got the perfect cover story!
"Come along, friends." I gesture to my three allies! "Ha-chan, Namori, act natural. We're playing pretend captives."
Ha-chan's eyes lit up. "Ooo~h…!"
Namori let out a shaky sigh.
"Sounds like totally unnecessary fun." Matt agrees with these terms.
Alright… let the indoor investimagations begin!
We pass by the closet, which we had sloppily stuffed the two guards into.
…
After a moment of wandering through empty, dim halls, we eventually come to a lobby room that spanned two floors.
Two robed friks look at our party as we walk in, before laughing their asses off. "Wha- aahahahaha~!"
"Wh-what the fuck…?" The other guy shook his head, grinning widely. "I'm not sure if Paul'd agree with that, but fuck it, man…!"
Matt nods. "Bringing them to the sex dungeon, as it were."
"Pffft-ahahahaha~!" The first guy's gonna have a freakin' hernia!
"Se-sex dungeon!?" The second guard was incredulous. "Tha-that's a pretty… pretty fuckin' apt name for it! Hahahah…"
Wait, what? Yo ho ho…!
"Wh-why's she got your bloody sword…?" The second guard points at Ha-chan, who does indeed have the guard sword still.
I shrug. "Why wouldn't I give her my bloody sword, yo?"
"Pffft-aaaa~h!" The first guard has orgasmed.
Matt shrugs. "Makes it more interesting, making her think she has a chance against us."
The second robed hooligan stood up. "Ma~n, you guys are a riot… Name's Hideki."
I nod. "I a~m… Hiroshiroshoosawoosa."
It elicits a light chuckle. Daw...
"Lucif-" Matt cuts himself off. "Asura Daichi."
He gets some curious, half-amused stares. That kinda stare that's like 'I think he was joking but uh it wasn't funny I don't know how to take this'.
Can't win 'em all, yo…
"Hey- wanna come with us to the sex dungeon?" I offer. "We'll let you lead the wa~y…!"
Hideki shakes his head. "Nah, man. Sorry, just real tired, you know? Had a long da~y… you know."
As in, he's blowing us off. Freakin'... "Alright, yo. We'll just do the things."
With that, we begin moving down the stairs. Matt gives me a questioning glance as we move down them…
"I got's stuffs to do down there." I inform him. "Also, sex dungeon."
He snorts. "It's likely not a real sex dungeon, just called a sex dungeon- by us."
I shrug. "And? Yo ho ho…"
Keine's probably trapped there, if anywhere.
As we go down, I realize we're in the area behind the front desks. Here, we see a guard hard at work, writing on a piece of paper with a freakin' quill pen.
He doesn't notice us as we pass him… at first. Then, he freezes, looking up.
"...Hi." I wave at him.
"I-I heard a noise…" He gets up from his chair, and begins doing this like, light jog towards the stairs.
Uuh…?
"...Hang here for a second." I tell Matt and the fairy friks. "I wanna see where that guy goes."
"Uh-huh. Enjoy yourself." He begins to examine the paper the guy was writing…
I casually walk after the guy who was lightly jogging. My walk was as fast as his freakin' jog.
He traced the exact path me and my party took, arriving at the closet door, and promptly staring straight at it. He walked right up to it, and just stared into it.
…
"...Hi?" I try again.
He turns to me. "Oh, hello."
Then, he turns away, and starts walking towards the door I busted open. He leaves, and notices the unconscious Koi.
"It's a youkai…!" He grimaces, and reaches into his guard outfit, pulling out an entire bow. He proceeded to do a combat roll, nearing the edge of the deck.
"You've made your last mistake!" He aimed his bow, drew an arrow, and fired it. It flew straight over the form of Koi. It would've been an accurate shot were she standing up, but uh…
He glanced at me, eyes wide. "Give me cover!"
He ran to the other side of the deck, and drew his bow again. Once again, he aimed clearly above her unconscious form, firing over her. The arrow stuck in the wall.
"Damn it- somebody hit her!" He reached into his quiver, finding his arrow stuck. "Ack- stupid quiver…!"
...I walked up to him, and pushed him off the side of the platform.
He wobbled unsteadily. "Nooo~!"
...He slowly flopped to the floor below, and upon landing, he rolled over, adjusted himself into a comfortable position, and then stopped, refusing to get back up.
…
Sure.
I make my way back to Matt, giving the guards I pass quick hellos.
Or, at least, I try to. A certain someone was there, looming over the two guards…
"Why are you wearing robes?"
Meira's arms were at her hips. I couldn't see her face, but she sounded pissed.
"U-uhm…" Hideki pressed two fingers together. "I-I- we were hitting the showers! We just got out, y'know… Hard day."
"Re-reaa~l hard." His friend supportively adds.
"The showers are on the lower floor." Meira tries to one-up them.
Hideki rolls his eyes. "What, we can't just go straight upstairs? This area ain't exactly public, you know."
...Meira huffs. "We'll do this the hard way, then. Why is there a mass of guards in bath robes at the village square?"
…
"Pool party?" Hideki shrugs sheepishly.
…
Meira grabs both of their shoulders, and begins dragging them away.
"What- you can't!" Hideki flails his limbs. He notices me, and calls for help. "Y-you! Whatever the hell your name was, help!"
...I just begin walking away. Meira turns to look back at me, but I don't make eye contact, hurrying away. She seems to ignore me.
...
I eventually reach Matt, and notice he's taken Ha-chan's sword. Ha-chan was pouting.
...He receives a judgmental stare from me.
"The only reason we haven't been-" He looks around, noticing some guards nearby. "-fired is because those last few guys were complete imbeciles."
...Ha-chan attempts to steal it back, but Matt pushes her away. "No."
...Nearby guards nod approvingly, continuing their desk work.
Well, it helps our case, so I guess I'm fine with that, for now!
Let's try this the easy way…
I rap my fingers on a guard person's desk. "Yo, buddy."
He looks up at me.
"I'm new around here, and this robe guy-" I point to Matt, "he's kinda insisting I demonstrate to him I know where it is- the dungeon, I mean… and I don't. Know where the dungeon is, I mean." Wow, I fucked the grammar of that sentence! "He thinks I'm askin' you 'bout a girl- help!"
...The guard just raises an eyebrow. "...Alright. I'm busy. But, I'll tell you what."
He stands up. "I want a new desk. The big kind, the bamboo you only see from the woods…"
Uhh…
"I want a new pen! From the feathers of tengu!"
You're kinda pushin' it there, buddy…
"I want a sake dish, the kind the oni drink from!"
Slightly frustrated, I grin at him. "Yeah, I want a lotta things, too, pal!"
He rolls his eyes. "Yeah, fuck you."
Pffft.
With that, he sits back down.
...I look to the guy next to him, and the guard there smiles at me awkwardly.
I hold up my arms. "Y'gonna help me, or not?"
"Yeah, sure…" He stands up, and begins moving deeper into the headquarters. Matt and I move behind him, the fairies trailing behind us.
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ===
We probably coulda found it just by dicking around, but this saves time!
It's the very obviously basement-y grey stairwell, that leads down to an immensely subtle door with one of those little barred windows. Just incase you freakin' condense yourself to brick size and climb out the freakin' door.
Two tall robed fellows stood, perpetual frowns on their faces because that's how dark mages work. I'm sure it's some story like 'my wife got accidentally'd by youkai oh god', but at the end of the day it's the same format…
"..." They stared at us with narrowed eyes. "We… have not seen you around here, before…"
I shrug. "First time doin' the runs, y'know? I got some freakin' fairies here, for ya, yo." I gesture to Ha-chan and Namori. "They're cuddly, and gentle enough for everyday use."
"I don't mean you." The tall robed frik spoke. "I meant… him."
He points at Matt.
Matt takes a moment to reply. "...You wouldn't have seen me. Under most circumstances, I only work counter-intelligence… but it seems we have some spies." He gestures to the fairies.
Ha-chan makes a convincing spy, I'm sure…
The mage scowls. "...Youkai are incapable of such actions. Those who can take information, will. There is no need for lesser beings in the hierarchy of youkai, except when it comes to combat."
Matt smirks back. "And how would you know that?"
Taken aback, the mage blinks. "...You insolent fool."
We've pissed off the mages in high heels!
Uneven footsteps are heard on the stairs. I turn, and see Komi precariously stepping down the stairway…
"I-I found my wa~y…" She slurs, eyes uneven.
...I hear a gaggle of guards clutter up at the top of the stairs, and a few begin to cautiously move down, making great effort not to fall down on one another.
"It's a spy!"
"Ho~ley moley!"
"Someone hit her…"
Whelp…!
...Matt points back at the fairy, and grins. "See? Spies are among us, gentlemen… and those spies are not one of us."
The one Matt addressed seems a little too pissed to reason with, but his friend moves to calm him down. "Now Bartholomew,-"
Bartholomew.
"-Defense Council Leader Chikamatsu tends to withhold many details of his motives, and it is not our place to question him. I am of firm belief that we do indeed have a counter-intelligence division." The silent mage spoke, offering his opinion.
...You're only sayin' that 'cause Komi came barging down the stairs.
...The guards were quickly coming down the stairs with bows!
"So, you gonna open up?" I grin.
The angry mage eyes me suspiciously, but nods. "Very well. Do hurry."
I double back and grab Komi, and push her into Namori, guiding the two into the dreary room ahead as it opened. Matt and Ha-chan followed behind me, and the door swung shut behind us.
…
"The spy was sent in there!"
"He's hiding her!"
Bartholomew rose a brow at the guards. "She was sent to solitary confinement."
"He must be a terrorist!"
"Hmm? What foolishness is this?" Bartholomew rose his voice.
The other mage spoke up, too. "Lower your arrow!"
Uh oh. There's gonna be some ass blastin' goin' on out there!
...Matt turned to me. "For what reason did we come down here?"
"We're freein' Keine, yo." I finally reveal the intent to him!
...He glares at me.
I shrug. "There's probably some occult shit down here, too. Besides, you got some sweet new duds out of it!" I mean, it's a little edgy around the… edges…
"...Fair enough." He begrudgingly agreed.
"Ba-Bartholomew!" The mage from earlier called out. "...You damned imbeciles!"
Fwoo~m!
"Huuaaa~gh!"
Matt laughed out loud. "Pffft…"
"Oh- oh gods! Come to your senses! I didn't- Huwooaaa~h!" That marks the end of the other mage.
Ha-chan turned to me, looking sad in the same way one looks sad after someone kicked a puppy. "I think they're hurt."
You think. Well.
Matt rolled his eyes. "They'll get better, maybe. Don't worry- or care, for that matter."
Further guard-associated hooliganry was audible.
"Where's the damn keys?"
"Take them down, now, men!" An arrow panged against the metal door.
These guards are fookin' weird, dude.
Namori crouched. "Wh-why are we down here…!?"
Komi propped her hands on her hips. "Buncha cunts're what they're…"
"Everyone, follow me!" I begin to lead us deeper. I turn back and- g'dimmit. "I said follow me, you twats!"
Namori and Komi snap their attention to me, and begin following.
Komi doesn't like my sass. "Do~n't you call me… a twat. Fuckface."
As we continue down the hall, we make it to a left turn. Upon taking that left turn…
Yo.
The dark hallway was illuminated by the dim glow of panels from the machines ahead. Metal seats sat on metal hexagons, and clear, plastic tubes hung from the chairs, and the ceiling over them. All of the screens were touchscreen pads that simply said 'INACTIVE', in big, bold, illuminant text.
...On closer inspection, the software was version one point seven!
Most of these inactive machines were empty, but there was one halfway through the room that caught my eye…
Keine has been located! A~nd she's asleep.
She sat in the chair, eyes shut. It seems she had some sort of silver and red robe draped on her, and a big funny hat. It was even bigger and funnier than her last one.
Tubes ran up inside the robes, attached all over her body. Only one was being used, a purple liquid running through it…
I looked at the illuminant pad.
'INACTIVE; Anesthetic: On, Faith: Off, Fear: Off, CySys: Off*, StasisBeta: Off*'.
The lower, smaller text read 'Some features restricted by Administrator. Contact Administrator for details'.
...Well, to start with, I'm just gonna turn anesthetic to 'off'...
I press the button to turn it off.
The tube with purple liquid stops pumping, the liquid running back up the tube.
Keine's still out of it, though…
I begin plucking tubes from her, while the fairies take a closer look at the panel…
"Fa-faith…?" Namori presses the button for 'faith'.
One of the tubes starts pumping a yellow liquid into Keine, and I tear it out. "Freakin'... we're not tryin'a turn her into Zeus, teacher of children!"
Namori cringes back.
Komi grins. "Fea~r…"
...A luminescent, light blue energy travels through one of the tubes into Keine. As it travels into her, she begins to glow…
Uuu~h… I'm not sure whether to rip the cord, or let it go…!
...After a moment, her hair begins to grow a pale green, and she begins sprouting horns…
Oh, no, fuck that. Nope, nope, nope.
I pull the cord, and the energy travels out of the tube like it was a flashlight. Freakin' weird…
I shine it at Komi…
…
"Wh-wha…?" She looks at her hands. "So-so much power... "
...Then, she groans. "I'm not drunk anymore! Damn it!"
I shine it at Matt. He shields his eyes.
...I shine it in my own eyes, blinding myself. Oof. Don't work for humans, it seems…
Most of the tubes were out.
"Cy~Sys! Hi~, Sis!" Ha-chan presses the CySys button.
A prompt comes up, and she furrows her brows. "...Su-sub...ject. Subject! Will… die. Confirm."
Wait, yo, woah no! I swat Ha-chan's hand away. "We ain't tryin'a fookin' execute her ass! No electric chair all up in this shit!"
Well, with shit like that, I'm gonna hurry the fuck up! I begin tearing out tubes by sweeping my arms across, removing most of them in singular fell swoops.
Matt walks up and presses the confirm button.
"Freakin'- yo yo yo!" I begin feverishly plucking the remaining tubes…
...Fortunately, the tube activated was already plucked. A bright cyan serum pours out onto the ground, mixing with the anesthetic. The fear turned into light, and the faith seemed to evaporate outside the tube…
...I grin at Matt. "Son…!"
He snorts and shrugs.
Bam! The door down the hall flies open.
"Can I take one of these machines with me?" Matt asks me.
"If you can freakin' carry it!" I'm pretty sure it wouldn't even fit in my sack. It also seems mounted to the floor and ceiling…
Keine's eyes blink open. Her horns receded, and her hair changed color back to blue. If she's awake, then maybe she can-
"Awaa~h…" Keine's mouth hangs open, eyes blinking closed again.
...Guess that anesthetic didn't wear off, huh?
The guards start rounding the corner!
Matt sighs. "I'll be using you all as meat shields, by the way."
I hold up a finger. "I got a plan, yo!"
Brandishing Flame Salvo, I begin spewing flames at the guards.
Fwoo~m!
...Well, not necessarily at the guards. I begin burning the machines in between us, and making sure there's enough threat of being burned that stood between us and them. The guards backed up, holding their bows and swords close, once again taking great care not to bowl one another over.
Alright, now… I got behind Keine. "Komi, Ha-chan, hold her arms up…"
It is time to do this too-spooky style!
Matt folds his arms. "I fail to see what is being accomplished here."
I point at him. "I need you to pretend to be a guard who gets slain by Keine."
...He furrows his brows. "You're the one in the actual generic guard costume."
...Balls.
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
As the fire faded, the guards readied to advance…
"Yeah, lemme get those fairies! Lemme at 'em, lemme at 'em!" An unarmed guard danced in place, punching at the air.
As the fire faded, the figure of Keine Kamishirasawa stood at the other side, arms outstretched, being held up by 'admiring' fairies. At her feet was a guard, gasping for air, who fell forward, his helmet rolling off.
Keine's open, uneven eyes looked around the room…
Namori, who was floating behind Matt, who himself was holding Keine up for the most part, spoke. "See~ this, huma~ns…"
The guards paused, holding their assorted weapons ready…
"Powers beyo~nd the comprehension of fle~sh…" Namori continued, in her edgiest voice possible. "Ha~ve been set in motio~n…"
The guards considered her words, and backed up…
"Holy shit, is that Keine...?"
"Hot diggity dog! Keine's pissed…!"
"She-she's talking like Paul, dude…"
Paul would.
...To be honest, I dunno where to take it, from here. They're awed and stuff, Keine's asleep, and all of my people are essentially right behind me. I mean, between the fairy's danmaku, and my plant hanger based warfare, I probably could kill the majority of these guards, but uh… I didn't come here to kill a majority of these guards!
They start inching closer, as Namori continues…
"The-the... " She's run out of dialogue! Aaauugh!
…
A sphere of darkness expands downwards, forcing some guards to stumble about unevenly. A few cough awkwardly.
…
Things have gotten batshit insane quiet, but you can hear the sounds of the guards existing. The subtle clinks of their armor as they breathe… the general white noise people existing produce. Yeah, I don't think this 'terrifying them' thing is workin' out, so well!
I stand up, giving the guards the best pissed glare I can muster. I try to make my voice low and powerful, as opposed to sorta medium and casual. "I-I have been revived!"
...Wow. More like 'shaky and awkward'. I need to practice talking deeper...
The guards all gasp, holding their blades out towards me…
Yo, no! "...As a zombie!"
...No reaction. Guess, uh… zombies aren't big, here.
"...A youkai zombie!" I widen my eyes!
...Oh. They look pissed, instead…!
Awkwardly, I gesture to Keine. "Hordes of swordsmen run, when she shoots her…" First thing that comes to mind, first thing that comes to fucking mind…! "Duck billed… laser gun!"
...
Yeah, uh, they're not buying it.
...I throw myself at Keine's electric torture chair thing, and take the 'fear' tube, shining the light at the guardsmen.
"I-I can't see!"
"Oh-oh, crap, man…!"
"Use your arms, men!"
The sounds of clanking and falling over become dominant.
"St-stop using your arms, men!"
…I shine it at Keine while they fidget and flail about. She begins glowing again…
Fuck that, takes too long. I move to Keine's side, and target Ha-chan instead.
"Here, friend."
Ha-chan smiles gingerly as she begins glowing…
The guards eventually shake off the light, and begin rushing us!
"Do something, friend!" I push Ha-chan towards them, still shining the light on her.
Ha-chan stops a foot from me, and holds up her hand…
Sparks of electricity run between her fingers. Electricity runs up her arms, between her legs, and down her hair. It's not long before she becomes bright, shining and luminescent. She could light up a freakin' room with how bright she was getting.
I had to look away. My eyes coulda gotten sacked if I stared for too long; that's how bright she was getting.
The guards attempt to awkwardly go around her, noticing she's essentially a freakin' live wire.
"...Who wants to play birthday tag!?" She yells out. Her voice came out as if multiple people were speaking at once, like that cheesy special effect to make people sound burly.
...The guards ignore her, still trying to cautiously, clumsily maneuver around her, partially blinded.
Ha-chan pouts, her form flickering "Hey, you!"
She reaches out for a guard-
KABOOM
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
...
Ouch.
Everything around me was dark. Am I dead…?
I reach for my arm, and pinch it.
...I'm a little numb, but I still felt it! I think that's how you check for being dead, anyway.
By a 'little' numb I mean I've almost lost feeling in my everythings. Almost! The fact the feeling's not totally gone means it'll come back! I think.
Reaching for my sack, I find it, and draw Youkai Inconveniencer.
I power the flashlight, and pan it around…
I'm still in the basement, apparently. Panning the light around, I look for friends…
...I round the corner, and see Matt at where the exit should be, his arms folded.
He looks up at me. "Ghh… Stop. Don't point that at me."
It seems Ha-chan and the other fairies aren't around anymore. The guards are…
I look around the floor…
…
Let's just say they're extra crispy. Unrecognizable, charred lumps of metal and carbon. Wow. They're… dead, aren't they?
...
...Oh, hey, there's Keine! Black as soot, but she's okay otherwise. I think.
...I look down at my guard armor. Instead of a charred black, something weird happened to the metal that made it look kinda like popcorn…
I knock on it with my hand, and it breaks off. The armor, that is…!
Darn. I was startin' to get hype for my first actual combat armor…
Time to point the light at Matt, again!
"What did I just tell you?"
His robes are mostly fine… except for a few lines of frayed, black bits. I assume he's fine 'cause of hiding behind Keine the entire time.
Hmm… "How long was I out?" I try to find out.
"Minutes, at best." He shrugs casually.
Huh. "What happened?"
"Kaboom." He doesn't leave out a single detail, huh?
Even so, "Son."
"I'm pretty sure you saw and felt what happened." Matt, please.
...I did, though. Bright flash, mind-numbing numbness, and then I was like 'ouch.'
Something electricity related, I'm sure. Ha-chan's electric, yo. She's got the touch! She's got the power!
...How the hell're we gonna get out of here?
I walk up to the stairs, but unfortunately, it appears there is wood in the way. Lots of wood.
"Trapped forever." Matt declared. "Rest in pieces."
Woah no.
...I move back to Keine. The kinky torture chairs are all dead, so that means no lightspeed recovery magic thing for Keine.
Also, I have to stop shining this freakin' light on her. Probably slows her recovery.
…
"This is gonna be a lo~ng wait time." I reflect.
Matt agrees. "Good night."
I gots an idea! Moving up to Matt, I stomp the floor in front of him rapidly.
...He blinks. "Did the electricity fry your brain?"
"We must make all the noise!" I declare! "Aaaa~h!"
Taking out Tundra Bloomer, I began banging the stone wall with it.
Clink!
Freakin'...
I buff myself, and try again…
Thunk.
Oh, wow. Great. Gonna make onis turn their heads with a swing like that, I'm sure.
...Thunk.
"...Have fun with that." Matt declines joining me, flopping down onto the floor instead.
...I'd ask for Yukari, but she'd probably just give me a timebomb instead. Freakin'...
I pull out my 3DS. This is what it's good for, yo…!
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
"Freakin', so that's why Diddy Kong is so high tier…" I mutter, staring at the dim screen of my 3DS, jerking it around. I sat next to Matt, playing freakin' Smash four. Not so easy, when you're like, half-paralyzed from the neck down, but what can ya do?
...Which sounds like a very violent game of Connect Four, now that I think about it.
"Why don't you try Jigglypuff instead? That might help." Matt suggests.
I turn to him, looking back and forth between my 3DS and him. "Dude- like… she's fluffy." I sigh. "I don't know, dude…"
...Matt moves to strangle me, and I jam my hand into his face. "Son, no!"
"...I believe executing a proper string of 'aerial dodges' and 'spot dodges' in combination with proper strategic control and timing would have increased your chances of victory."
…
Matt and I stop abusing each other, and I turn to my left.
"...Hi Keine." I greet her.
"...Hello." She looks at me. "...I have no idea what's going on. This is a nice break from things, though."
...I guess so!
"...Aside from the dead people." Her face becomes bitter.
"He blew us up, and now we have to wait for assistance because of his mental incompetence." Matt belittles me, yo. "Help."
Keine didn't comment, looking around. "...Where are we?"
"Sex dungeon under the guard headquarters, in the human village." Ho ho! "The place blew up, and we're trapped."
…
"...Oh." Keine nods. "...I'm… not sure what to make of that."
…"Sex dungeon!?" Then it hit her!
I shrug. "Oh, just, y'know. Dubious chair machines, wit' tubes. Y'know."
"That inject various suspicious fluids into your body." Matt contributes.
Keine looked down at her mostly black robe… "Wh-what... happened…?"
"Pain." I summarize. "Them guard people wanted to make you some like, Anti-Hakurei Unit or some shit." I think back to that stuff he said to Youmu and I…
Keine's eyes widened in alarm. "So the rumors…!" She stood up. "I can't let them go through with that!"
Uhh… "Yeah, just… just a little too late on that, buddy. I dunno, yer just like, a little too late."
...She stares at me blankly.
"All the machine things that I assume were for the anti-hickey doohickies went kaboom." I spell it out for her.
"Oh…" She looked down at her hands. "What… what were they putting into me?"
"Sleep medicine." I summarized.
"Cyanide." Matt embellished.
...She gave him a dry glance.
Wait… "Keine, you're a youkai, yeah?"
Keine's face hardens. "...No."
Haha. "Can you mine out of the rubble at the stairs? So we can freakin' get the hell outta here and shieut?"
"...You imply that I am a youkai." Keine, please.
"Alright, yo. Were-hakufrakutakuwhachamacallit. Ya eat the internet browsing history of everybody who looks up pornographic material without using private browsers!"
…
It is now a staring contest. "Please, friend."
Matt speaks up. "Enclosed spaces happen to have limited oxygen and a lot of carbon dioxide, just so you know."
I hold up my hands. "Dude, y'gonna suffomacate me just 'cause ya got a dirty secret? I mean, look yo, I got some too." I reach into my sack, and pull out a fluffle. "See?"
...Matt takes it off my hands, and gingerly twists its head, removing it from its torso. The fluffle then becomes dust.
"...Daw." Friend, why.
"I refuse to be stuck in the same room as something like that." Matt publicly denounces the fluffle.
Keine furrows her brows. "...Were you behind that robot, then?"
Wat.
She notices my surprised look. "...The large one, that invaded the village a few days ago."
…
Holy shit.
"...Dude- look, just get us outta here." I stand up. "We'll stop by the shrine, and freakin' sit on some Gin 'n' Tonic, yo."
"...Right." Keine turns away from me, moving towards the stairway. Matt gets up, and we follow along behind her. We keep a cautious distance, though.
"By that, I mean, we'll fill you in on like, the month you missed." I ensure her. I also get up, and go look for that helmet, if it wasn't turned to popcorn, either...
Keine walks up to the rubble, and begins pulling at it. She makes it looks easy, tearing chunks of wood off and casting them down the stairs like nothing.
Ah, here's my helmet! Black as coal, now. I'd take the armor of other guards, but uh… I think they're like, melded with their torsos, now.
"Hrrgh…" She struggles to rip off a particularly stubborn chunk, where the wood hung on by a web of strands.
...This might take awhile, depending on how fast this goes! Matt and I watch Keine make her progress upward…
===== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
Bam!
Keine punched the final sheet of wood out of the way, light pouring into the jagged tunnel. Matt and I precariously followed behind, taking care not to get too cut up by the wood and other jagged materials…
Keine's arms were bloody, and her forehead bruised, as it had seen use more than once against tough sections of wreckage…
On the outside, I was able to observe multiple things as I climbed from the rubble…
It was night. Villagers were at the base of the wood mess, working to clear it out.
Aya was floating overhead, snapping pictures. Particularly, pictures of us.
I had a helmet on, Matt had his edgy hood up, and Keine had a giant cultist hat thing. I don't think anyone should recognize us…
Freakin' bird people.
...Looking around, I spy hooded fellows on rooftops! How the hell did they get up there?
"...Oh, wo~w…" Keine looks around the scene, bewildered.
Yeah, we're fuckin' surrounded. Everyone who could have seen us at the most inopportune, moment has seen us.
I put a hand to her shoulder. "We're gonna hafta book it, yo. Them mages're wreckin' it up, and I'm sure they know exactly what happened, now that you're out here."
...I'm not wrong, it seems! Tiny, black flares get shot at us from great distances. I mean, they're not great shots, but still.
Keine looks at me. "Where do we go, then? They… they seem to be everywhere."
"Home." I smile smugly.
Her concerned face turns dry.
Matt puts his hands on both our shoulders… "I happen to have obtained little aside from slightly tarnished robes in all of this."
I grin at him. "Comb the rubble for a fairy maid, friend. Take her home, and nuzzle her."
Keine sighs. "If I'm… a month behind, I'm not sure what I have to give, anymore."
"If I don't find a fairy maid," Matt addresses me, "I'm finding you."
I shrug. "I mean, I could always give you some sandy fluffs…"
...He looks adequately pissed off!
"C'mon, Keine." I begin moving from the pile. "We're gettin' you to the Hakurei Shrine, so we can freakin' sleep."
"There is no 'me' in 'we'." Matt declines following us. "I believe I'll stick around here."
This freakin' pile of rubble, yo… it's like a pile of rubble to navigate.
I wave at Matt. "Alright, yo! I'm on a mission!"
Keine leaps right off the pile, because yeah. Wait…
I jump off the pile, and on my way down, I jump again. Hehe~y!
Keine and I land at the bottom, while Matt does whatever a Matt does.
Even though I'm the one doin' the rescuing, Keine takes the lead. "Hakurei Shrine… Yes, that would be for the best. I know a safe route out of here…"
With that, she takes off!
Keine makes some sudden turns down the road, ducking through alleys. They're erratic, and almost seem like they're trying to throw me off, forcing me to run after her. I take out the Escape Plan to keep up. I still got pins and needles through some of my body, which isn't reassuring, but they seem to count as pain!
Eventually, we come to a small group of edgy mages…
"Stand down! This is for your own good, Kamishirasawa!" Of the two, a tall one stands strong, pointing his staff at the were-sassofrass woman.
Keine scowls. "Hmph…"
The dark mages hold their staves menacingly, and begin strafing. A shadowy aura takes form around Keine, but she seems to ignore it as she charges into the short one, bowling him over by slamming him with her arms.
She charged energy into one of her fists, similar to the light from the tube, and shot it towards the tall twat.
Boom! Yo, ho ho!
"Haah…" The mage let out a sigh as he flew through the air, landing on his back, writhing.
"I-I'm out… This is suicide!" The remaining mage fled.
Keine looks back at me, the sickly aura dissipating without the mages to back it up. "Let's go." With that, she takes off again.
Those guys didn't stop us long at all…
We continued through the town, before reaching the gate that leads towards the shrine. It was wide open, and unguarded. Keine curiously examined the state of it, only for a moment, as we both sprinted from the village.
The dark, unlit path ahead was our method of transit. The stars in the night sky shimmered brightly as we raced down the path…
Keine abruptly charges another glowing blue projectile, and thrusts her arm towards some direction in the forest…
Bam! A projectile flies out, and collides with somebody…
"Guuraaghghgh…" A wolfman's gurgling confirms who was stricken.
Jesus, Keine. Freakin' spidey senses.
"Hehehe~y!" A night fairy spirals in overhead. "Two humans, this late?
Keine keeps running, ignoring her, so I do, too.
...Okay, I flip off the fairy, but otherwise…!
I hear the fairy gasp, and begin firing small streams of purple danmaku at us.
We eventually reach the stairs of the Hakurei Shrine, where Keine simply begins floating up the stairs…
I try jumping up the stairs, double jumping even, but I just find I nearly fall back down…
Instead, I have to just run up two stairs at a time, freakin' bookin' it as I get nailed by spiraling danmaku streams from behind.
Keine stops at the top, and charges more fun projectiles…
Fwoosh!
Boom!
Pi~chun!
...She also fires more out at the air around the stairs, but they don't seem to hit anything. Infact, they seem to make some fairies fly out from the treetops, and take note of us. They don't approach, though.
Once I reach the top, Keine sprints towards the shrine as I just kinda hobble along behind her… freakin' hell's stairs, yo…
Keine slides open the door to the shrine, and we both enter.
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
In retrospect, that was probably one of the single most devastating series of human deaths in the village. I dunno how many died, but at least twelve to fifteen guards got cooked in that cellar.
Aya's gonna have a freakin' field day, down there. I wonder how that news report's gonna go…
Hmm. Reimu's not even freakin' here. Youmu is, though.
"Ah…?" Youmu turns to us. She notices our state of dress, and stands. "You…"
I hold up my arms! "Woah, yo! We're not villagers! It's me, fluffy!" I take off my charred guard helmet, tossing it aside.
...Youmu relaxes. "Wha-what…?"
...Keine moves to the kotatsu to sit with her. "Youmu… What's happened, while I was out?"
Youmu took a moment to answer. "You were… out? I was wondering why the human village… degraded." She fidgeted at her own description.
Keine nods. "I… I don't know what's been going on, recently."
Alright… Time ta break it down. "You missed… actually, I didn't spend a lotta time in the village myself." Hmm! "You missed a flood…"
"I remember that." Keine adds.
Wat. But, you asked about the robot… "A headless herse driver."
"He killed… eight guards? One was the chief, I think…" Keine elaborates.
Okay, just what the frik do you and do you not remember!?
"Mmhmm. There was also that thing with the vines- oo~h! I had so much coverage after that…"
Aya, where'd you come from!?
...She turns to me, grinning. "Honest and true reporter, Aya Shameimaru, on the scene!"
...I sigh. This'd better not become a freakin' mess!... I mean, more of a mess than it already is.
If anyone asks, one of the weird machines in the sex dungeon went kaboom. That's just what weird machines do.
She turns to me. "So, you. You, you, you… you like to get involved in things, don't you?"
"Yes." I fold my arms. "No."
...Aya writes something down in her notebook. "Why are you in village guard clothing?"
Daa~h… "It was on sale." Perfect.
She seems to buy it…? "Why is Keine in robes?" Aya jots something down…
Keine moves to defend me! "Shouldn't that be a question for me?"
...Aya stares at her dryly. "Because you know."
"...Right." Keine sighs.
Freakin'...
Aya stare at me expectantly.
So… "It goes like this. Them guards, they're tryin'a make an Anti-Hakurei Unit or somethin' by capturing youkai, and I guess brainwash them."
Aya's face slowly begins to grin, as she writes more and more feverishly…
Youmu nods. "I-I heard something similar… I don't remember much, but I was with him, in the security building."
Aya turns to her. "Oo~h…?"
"There was a village elder. He threatened us, and I escaped. I didn't want to hurt anyone." Youmu stares down at the kotatsu. "...I'm worried enough, as it is."
Eagerly nodding, Aya scribbles that down. "Mmhm, mmhm…! Right, so." She turns to me, again. "How'd they brainwash the school teacher?"
Hmm… "I dunno how they initially did it, but they kept her under control with this machine… It had a touchpad, and a ton of tubes that pumped various things into people. Faith, fear, anesthetic…"
Aya's eyes widened. "Faith? Fear?"
Keine turned to me, looking equally surprised.
Youmu perked up, seemingly surprised as well.
...Yeah, it's pretty interesting, innit? Freakin' youkai food, and what I assume is god food.
"How do you think they got their hands on it!?" Aya was very eager, now!
"Very carefully!" My reply is equally as eager!
…
She deflates. "I need real answers, thank you."
"I don't have one." I smile. "...I don't freakin' know!"
"...Guess I was pushing my luck." Aya sighs. "Anyway… How do you all feel about this?"
Keine folded her arms. Youmu just stared at her.
...I open my mouth, but Keine talks. "If you want personal interviews, I think we should be receiving something, in turn."
Aya looked vain. "Seriously…?"
Hyonk.
"...Whatever." Aya shook her head. "So, how many dead?"
Oh, boy…
To start with, I shrug…!
Keine raises a brow. "Rather abrupt to ask that question, isn't it?"
...With a shrug, Aya smiles. "Sure."
Reluctantly, she goes on. "I… I don't even know. Fifteen were burned to death in the basement. I have no clue how many dead might be from the building's collapse…"
Today I have learned that a super-charged Ha-chan is a weapon of mass destruction. Freakin' miniature atom bomb.
Youmu gaped. "W-wow…"
I sigh. "Freakin' fluffy."
...Aya stares at me.
Time to dodge bullets…
"I saw you climbing out of the building with Keine. How did you and that other man fare so well?" Aya stares at me inquisitively.
"Right place at the right time, I guess." I shrug. "I was in a different location from the other guards. So was the other dude."
She nods, writing that down… "I see, I see. What caused the blast?"
Nuggets. "The brainwashing chairs. The guards did stupid stuff to them, or something, and they just asploded."
"Figures." She scribbles that down… "...So, why were you there, in general?" Aya points her pen at me. "You don't strike me as the political type."
"My fairy friend was unfairly taken captive." I adlib. "I wanted to set her fairly free."
Aya grins. "You like fairies a lot, don't you?"
Freakin', how would you know!? "Sure."
"Hehehe…" She leers at her notebook, scribbling. "What color do you prefer?"
Ah. You see, this is a trap! "I dunno. It's too hard to pick."
...She furrows her brows. "I mean, your favorite color. Everyone has one."
"I mean, when we're talking panties, I like a lotta colors." I shrug.
…
"Rainbow." Aya records offhandedly...
Keine facepalms. "...Fifteen or more people are dead, and you're asking people what color of panties they prefer on women?"
Aya rolls her eyes. "Yeah, yeah. Dime 'a dozen generic guard types. Probably good men. Shame." She very unenthusiastically mourns the fallen. "Honestly, the unexplained ones were more exciting. Even this latest one'll be pawned off as a 'youkai attack' or a 'gas leak', or something boring."
I just remembered something… "I still have that picture of your panties." I point at Aya.
…
She shrugs, grinning. "Already published it. Just didn't say they were mine!" With that, she laughs. "Ayayayaya~!"
She would.
"Boring?" Keine furrows her brows. "I hardly see how unnecessary slaughter of innocent people can be boring."
"Exactly!" Aya beamed. "How can they make something so exciting so boring!?"
Keine glares at a somewhat confused Aya. Ho ho ho…
"...Unexplained de-deaths…?" Youmu tilted her head.
Aya gestured to her. "See? Youmu gets it!"
"I-I mean…" Youmu fidgets. "The-they were stabbings, weren't they?"
At least the heat is off me, now. I can relax… Like, I didn't mean to kill all those guards. Terrible, catastrophic accidents happen. S'not much I can do about it, at this point. I saved Keine, and hopefully delayed the 'wreck Reimu's shit' project, and that's more important to me.
Yeah, I value the named touhous more than the local guards. I'm not gonna bellyache over their untimely microwavizations, though. I didn't really know 'em, and it's not like I meant to kill them.
I'm not gonna think about it.
Aya claps her hands. "So you read the articles!?"
Youmu blinks. "Well, no… I-I…" She inhaled... "I know who did them."
Aya stood up. "Y-you do!? I mean, yes you do! Please tell me!"
"...Matt. His name is Matt." Youmu begins. "He… his weapon of choice is scissors. He's an outsider. If-if you see him, please… Re-restrain him." She forces out the last part. "He's dangerous."
Aya nods. "...Matt. Scissors. An outsider… youkai?"
Youmu stared at her dryly. "You just said how boring it'd be if they were a youkai."
"Making sure. It seems a little farfetched for a human to do all that…" Aya bites her pen.
"He broke into the Scarlet Devil Mansion." Youmu continues.
"I'm sold." Aya begins writing. Again. How has she not flipped the page, yet?
...I am both not surprised, and surprised! I suspected Matt was gettin' busy, but they're talkin' like he got freakin' busy! That means he actually went through with it!
...Good initiative, I guess! Not that I support brutal murder or anything, I just kinda thought he was largely talk when it came to that sort of thing.
"I-I want your article to be a warning." Youmu raises her voice. "I want it to tell people to be aware."
"Mmhmm. He's a human, right?" Aya confirms.
"...Yes." Youmu nods.
"Hmmm…" Aya taps her chin. "...Evil eyepatch?"
...Youmu sighs. "No."
"Underground fairy trafficking ring?" Aya grins.
"No…"
Aya frowns. "Uuh… hmm."
"Aya…" Youmu begins frowning back.
She waves it off. "Fi~ne, fine… It's interesting enough. Sometimes, you just gotta dig for the details!"
"...He has brown hair." Youmu describes him "Brown hair, blue eyes. Pale."
Aya gives her an impatient face. Like, the 'for fuck's sake' kind of impatient. "...That describes everyone."
Youmu pauses, thrown out of her grim mood. "What? Villagers aren't that pale…"
"Kinda." Aya argues. "I mean, I don't really bother to check."
"What do you mean? With the amount that…" Youmu readjusts herself, taking a breath as she does so. "With the amount that do outdoor work…"
"As if." Aya snorts. "When've you seen a farm in that village?"
…
Youmu furrowed her brows. "That's… a good point."
...They both turn to Keine expectantly.
Keine shakes her head, looking casual. "I'm pretty sure we're not getting food from where we should be. Our only records of agriculture are ancient."
...Aya turns to me.
Freakin'... "First I thought about it, myself." I've got no info, yo. "They're actually not very pale, though. Somehow."
"None of those details help me, still…" Aya complains. "No big fancy witch hat? No technicolor clothing?... No evil eyepatch?"
"Maybe you should just put his name down, then…" Youmu abandoned her previous notion.
Aya nodded. "Yeah, that's what I was gonna do, anyway. He sounds like he looks boring."
Youmu frowned, shaking her head.
…
"Where's Reimu, anyway?" Keine wondered.
"I've been here for multiple hours, waiting for her." Youmu states.
Multiple hours, yo. "Have you ever been here for divisible hours?"
Youmu scoffs at me. Hyonk, hyonk!
Aya had no clue, either. "Last I saw of Reimu was a day ago. I think. It all kinda blends together, y'know? Encounters with Reimu, I mean."
"No, I don't." Youmu shuts her down.
…
...Awkward silence…!
"You know what really blends together?" I pose the friends a question…
As one does, they stare at me questioningly…
"Sandy fluffs." I wanna nuzzle one as I say that, but there are none.
…
Youmu rests her head on the kotatsu.
"Those dust things are old news." Aya dismisses them. "I can never catch them doing anything interesting, either."
Aya, what side of the planet do you live on?
…
"Are, uh… we just gonna sit here until Reimu comes?" I wonder.
"Yes." Keine nods. "...I can't exactly go around in these robes."
"You can go around without them." Aya grins lecherously...
Keine scowls at her. "Some people have grasped the concept of public decency."
"Mmmph." Youmu hums from the table.
...Hmm. Alright, then!
I stand up. "I will be back, friends."
Before I get anywhere, Keine freakin' questions me. "Are you going to go to the village?"
...No. "Nope."
"...Alright." She looks back at the kotatsu.
Proceeding towards Reimu's kitchen, I hear the girls begin discussing behind me.
"...You seem upset." Keine addresses Youmu, probably.
Youmu takes a moment. "...I am."
I close the kitchen door behind me.
...Reimu's got things in here! Foo~d!
I did not come in here for food- except for that loaf of bread. I want to hug it and cuddle it and consume it. Otherwise? Foods're off limits, yo.
What can I do in here…?
I wonder where Reimu keeps trash…
After looking around, I sighted something under the 'sinks'.
...Hey, bin things! She uses trash baskets. Hmm.
Right now, it's mostly empty. I think those are mandarin slices, inside it? Some paper lines the inside of it to keep the basket from getting gunked up.
I take the paper out, pouring the miniscule amount of trash from the basket, and claim it as my own.
...On closer inspection, the papers are of the Bunbunmaru. The irony… it gives me cholesterol!
With the basket, I move back into the main room…
"...I see. You've found yourself in a tight spot." Keine consoled Youmu.
Aya brought up her notebook. "Mmm~..."
Keine moves to grab it from her, but Aya yanks it away quicker. "Nope. I can see it now, 'The Tragedy of Youmu Konpaku'!"
Youmu had a half-grin. "But, I'm not… going through tragedy?"
"...Darn. I'm drawing a blank." Aya sighs. "Ooh, wait! 'Youmu Konpaku and her Crippling Secrets'!"
"That makes it sound like I'm the one at fault!" Youmu stands up. "Give me that!"
"Guys, guys!" I rouse their attention! Then, I place the basket on the kotatsu… "Du~de…"
…
"Let's play bass ket ball." You read that right, yo. Ket the bass!
Everyone gives me blank, judging stares. Ooo~h ho ho…
"Aya, do you have any Bunbunmarus on you right now?" Inquiring minds want to know!
She nods. "Here you are! Free of charge!" She hands me one. I take the newspaper, and look at it while it's still all folded up…
…
I open it, but only so I can crumple it into a ball.
Aya scowls at me. "You know, you could've at least… skimmed it. I mean, if you don't like it after that, I could understand, but..."
"Yo!" I back up from the basket, and toss the resulting paper ball at it!
It misses, and lands next to Keine.
…
"It's going to be a long evening." Youmu reflects.
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
"Teacher, leave the~m… kids alo~ne!" I proceed to bang on the shrine's walls with a thin piece of plywood that I beat from a larger piece of plywood.
A light clanking came from the wood bit I struck…!
Aya had long since departed, deciding that she'd just scout for Reimu herself, being the freakin' speed demon she is.
Keine's eyes tiredly blinked, as she began nodding off…
Youmu was already asleep, curled up under the kotatsu.
"No dark sarca~sm…" Clank! "In the classroom…!"
It's also getting freakin' dark. Oof…
"Hey! Teacher!" Raa~h! Rapid wall clanking, go~! "Leave those kids aloo~hoohoo~ne!"
...Thud. Keine flopped over, still half under the kotatsu…
…
I'm gettin' pretty tuckered out, too…
…
I shift into a nice, warm spot under the kotatsu. Haa~h…
…
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
…
So co~zy…
…
Ouch- hey! Yo~!
I open my eyes, and flail about a little. Someone's nudging me… and someone's grabbed me! I'm trapped against one of the kotatsu legs.
"I'm stuck, yo…" I announce to whoever the frik's poking me!
The poking stops.
…
Then, I'm slid out from the kotatsu forcefully. Co~ld...
Oh, hi, Reimu.
...She takes the spot she removed me and Ha-chan from. Also yes, Ha-chan apparently joined me under there, at some point.
...I break from Ha-chan, who is, as usual, freakin' zonked.
"...Mornin'." I greet Reimu…
She snaps to me, expression vain, and tired. "Explain."
Please, no. "Why me…?"
Reimu pans her steely gaze around the room… "Everyone's asleep."
...Oh. But…!
Ah, whatever. I assume Reimu's trying to beat the record for 'quickest mornings that have gone to shit'. I still think the other day holds that…
What happened to Meira, anyway? Man, I'd feel like a real dick if she got hurt in the big building blowout…
"Whaddaya want me to explain…?" I rub my eyes to get the crustaceans out…
"Aya woke me up, this morning. Gave me her worthless paper…" Reimu took it out. "Told me about some article I should read. I wasn't gonna, but the headline was hard to miss."
...I sit up, approaching the kotatsu. Reimu holds up the paper for me to see…
Bunbunmaru: Human Village Times!
'Thirty-Six Killed in Bad Technology Accident. Foul Play Expected?'
Considering the village, that's a given. Also thirty-six? Jesus Christ.
"I read through it." Reimu continues. "Electrical blast. Youkai involvement suspected. You were there."
Oof.
...I sigh. "Yeah. I was there."
"Why?" Reimu does not beat around the bush.
"Well, it all started when this dude in big robes- named Paul- was all like 'we're gonna capture you for our Anti-Hakurei Unit', and me and Youmu was like 'fuck that', and-"
"Anti Hakurei Unit…" Reimu echoes. "The article detailed that encounter. Something about Youmu saving you from a pot of boiling water."
...I don't wanna know. "...Not quite, but good enough!"
...Reimu stared at me, urging me to continue.
So I did! "So, I noticed Keine was suspiciously absent for like, awhile."
Reimu nods. "Mmm."
"...So I checked out her school, and saw shit all over the walls- by the way, a totally unrelated cat youkai is running around there with katanas." I inform her.
"Later. Continue." Reimu knows how to priorimatize! "...I'd also like to know how anything in that sentence helped."
Uuh… "By 'shit', I mean I went into Keine's office and saw insane scribblings on the walls."
Reimu looks at the kotatsu top… "I should make tea, soon…"
...I continue. "So, I took matters into my own hands while everyone was out, and invaded the guard place! With fairies!"
I just realized, the fairies just didn't make the headlines at all. It was like they were never even there!
"...Right." Reimu slowly nods… "Is there more?"
"I got inside alright enough. Keine was strapped to this pimp ass Disney chair." Hyonk!
"Japanese, please." She snorts.
Daa~h… "It was a chair with tubes, and stuff. She was restrained, and drugged."
...Reimu turned to me, furrowing her brows. "...Sounds like Eientei, to me."
Here's the part everyone turns their heads over. "It had settings for faith, fear, anesthetic, and instant death."
Her head jerked to face me. "Faith? Fear? From tubes?"
Yeah, yo! "...Yeah, yo!" Sayin' what's on my mind, yo…
Reimu turns away from me, staring at the kotatsu.
…
"They're gone now, right?" She seeks confirmation.
I nod. "The~y exploded. And took thirty-six people with them, apparently." Except Paulie-fuckin'-Chikamatsu, apparently.
"...Mmm. The headline doesn't say it, but there were fifteen people inside who survived. Two were injured." With that, Reimu begins to stand. "It's cleared out, now. I'm gonna go make tea."
I'm somewhat nervous that Reimu's just gonna go up and be like 'oh haha by the way you blew them up didn't you' or something. Freakin'... Hakurei intuition.
Thirty-six is kinda a big number!
Oh, well. It's too early for this-
A letter lands on my face. It smells like vanilla, pleasingly.
...I take it off, and notice it's not so pleasingly from a certain 'Y.Y.'.
Ripping open the letter, I read the small card inside…
The front cover has a cute picture of a cat hanging from a tree branch. Below it, is the bold text 'You, right now.'
...She got it custom made, for me! How sweet!
I open the card…
'Just kidding! Sort of. You have my sincere thanks for causing an untimely destruction to that troublesome scheme. You may ignore Chikamatsu, as I know you were likely devising plans to get to him. Let time flow, yes?
Also, may there be a plague on your house for rendering the human village vulnerable. Get Keine back into it today, or you're going to discover a new passion for alcohol, one which you may not recover from.
My apologies for being unable to meet you in person. I am a very busy young woman.
Sincerely, Y.Y.'
First, I've, uh, got my doubts about that Paul guy. Unless she freakin' killed him, in which case, hyonk.
Second… sure. It's not like it will be a freakin' project to get her back from point A to point B. She got herself here just fine.
I'm not gonna address that last one!
Then, the letter like, vaporizes. Just 'poof'. Magic dust! Kinda a shame, too, 'cause I wanted to take the letter and write a T in the word 'busy', so that her last line'd be 'I am a very busty woman'.
Reimu walks back into the room, holding a tray of tea.
I rub my hands together… "Let's get snuggly, friend."
"Touch me, and never touch again." Reimu threatens. Help, no!
She misunderstands, you see. "Friend, no. I just wanted to be fluffy."
...Reimu glances at my hair. "You're already there."
Awwh. She serves tea for herself.
…
"Y'know, I could uh… use some tea, too." Morning energy~...
"There's only enough for the guests." Reimu denies me, blowing on her tea…
...The guests who are asleep right now! "They're freakin' conked! Yo~. Ding dong, man. Ding dong."
...She snorts. "Fine, then. Help yourself."
Oo~h!
I pour the tea into one of the little teacups, spilling some onto the kotatsu top as I do so, because I suck at teapots.
Reimu scoffs. "Seriously?"
Hey. "Me no no tables."
"Apparently." She huffs. "That's gonna stain…"
I bring the teacup to my lips, and sip…
Fucking hot! And bitter! Holy shit!
...I make a sour face as I down the tea…
...Reimu sighs. "Stick to water." She sipped her own tea, not registering the heat or bitterness at all.
Everyone in Gensokyo is a freakin' genie. Except for the ones who are- wait, even the dead ones kick ass. Shieut, man.
...Yesterday was indeed one of 'those' days. Hopefully today is also not one of 'those' days!
…
"By the way… do you know why there's a bloodbath in my sink?" Reimu stared at me dryly.
I snort. "Yeah, I noticed that. I dunno where it came from. I guess someone had their period in your sink." S'just how some people roll…!
...Reimu shakes her head, sipping her tea.
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
END OF CHAPTER 40
PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Fairy Slayer, Accidental Human Slayer, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Village Liberator, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine, Sky Climber, Amateur Espionage Practitioner, Illegal Fairy Harborer, Holder of Too Many Titles.
PRIMARY WEAPON: Tundra Bloomer - A earth-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock; has a flower curved around the hilt. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. Allows casting of Gaia Seed. Casts Tundra, a weak spike of ice!
INVENTORY:
Youkai Inconveniencer - Apparently a semi-crux to youkai and undead via a holy spell and being naturally strong against them, but it doesn't sound particularly efficient. Most respectable youkai seem to only be momentarily stunned, and anything without visual receptors or possibly a pair of sunglasses would probably be immune. Acts as a flashlight via candles. Converted to a flail with cross necklaces! Can cast Shine.
Swift Brand - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can create small compressed air blasts. By the addition of a steel block, it gained enhanced striking power and weight, along with increased ability to channel magic into any sort of special effects it has.
Flame Salvo - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Enchanted to have an incendiary effect upon sufficient striking force, or sufficient velocity. Good for burning stuff and people! Boosts fire abilities, allows physical strikes to do fire damage. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Has a flamethrower nozzle. Can cast Fume, has Flamethrower Plus!
Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.
Deep Blue- A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Enchanted to constantly produce fresh water. Boosts abilities of water-based attacks and allows physical attacks to deal water damage. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...
Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.
Sharper Than Darkness- A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon style, with increased bleeding but fighting power being the main attributes. Can cast Revenge, a dark spell which has more extreme proportions of the weapon's innate attributes. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to give it an extra deadly edge in combat.
Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.
The Escape Plan - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, and a gift from Flandre Scarlet. Has an obsolete map out of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Has various negatives mentioned in earlier inventory summarizations…
Market Gardener - Critical hits during blast jumps! Otherwise, it's just a normal, old plant hanger. Named after a very similar shovel…!
Holy Talismans - Provides a holy upgrade and elemental shift to a weapon of choice!
Electric Talismans - Provides an electric upgrade and elemental shift to a weapon of choice!
NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please.
NERF longsword - 'CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals'… you know what that means!
Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! 75% time resistance on equip. Voice, face, and height specifications not included!
Monk Robes - Wear to become a Buddhist! Actually pretty comfy…!
Butterfly Dream Pills - Makes you dream of being a beautiful butterfly!... now, if only there was a pill for lucid or wet dreams, and then I'd consider Yagokoro the doctor to end all doctors!
Remilia Scarlet Disguise - Wearing this as a tall manchild's probably not doing anyone with eyes any favors. Has resistances of sorts, but I'm not in a big fat hurry to find out…
A Wiffle Duster - For shoving up people's rectums.
PARTY:
London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks of both the magical and physical variety. Gets a lance, and can shoot danmaku. Has a variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has a mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly.
PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. London shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.
ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:
ACTION
hopefully the stealth don't seem like too much BS!
freakin' HUMAN VILLAGE DRAMARAMA, yo; it's full of cuddly places, and friendly faces
also there's an EXPLANATION as to how i survived ha-chan's blast. it's as OBVIOUS AS YOU THINK IT IS…
(but if it's not don't sweat it'll be explained later)
i spent the whole chapter in like a flux of "is this balanced" "is this funny" "is this not serious enough" "is this TOO serious"; BASICALLY, is it FINE? am i stressin' over NAUGHT? or do i have a VAGUE IDEA...
as always, see you all next time!
