(in which there is sunshine and lollipops)
...Even when cold, this tea is freakin' bitter. Who drinks tea pure!?
"...When are you going?" Keine asks of me.
"As soon as I stop bein' bitter over this freakin' tea." I scrunch my face at the tea…
Reimu furrows her brows. "You just don't know what good tea tastes like."
I nod. "Yeah, I don't, 'cause I don't drink tea. I drink freakin' Kool-Aid." Yo ho ho~! It can't be good for me, but it tastes great!
"There's your problem." Reimu dismisses my complaints.
Friend… I need like, Kool Aid canisters. Actually, don't I have a few? Did I? I really need to keep track of these things… The only stuff I really remember is notable-ish crap, and plant hangers!
Reaching inside, I fish around for a Kool-Aid canister…
…
I pull out a nugget person.
"hi friend" The fluffle greeted me. It clung to my arm.
...Turning to Reimu, I begin trying to remove the fluffle from myself by rubbing it on her.
She wiggles away from me. "What are you doing…?"
"I-I just gots this itch…" C'mon, friend…
"...No." She rips the fluffle from my arm, and tosses it across the room.
Daw.
...Reaching in, I find…
Woah. This one… this one's not comin' out so easy…
Hnngh…!
After enough tugging, I pull out-
"Hello~!"
Yukari.
She holds her arms out, my sack falling out behind her as the gap she sits in expands to its normal-ish size.
…
"What're you doing here?" Reimu sighs. "I'm trying to relax."
Keine idly watches the exchange, sipping her tea...
"Just stopping by to check on my favorite shrine maiden!" She props her arms up. "Am I not supposed to?"
Reimu snorts. "I'd like to see you try half the things you do with me on Sanae."
"Fufufu… And just what things do I 'do' with you, shrine maiden?" Yukari folds a fan over her face to hide her obvious amusement, because, y'know, we'd never guess that.
Reimu glares at her. "I'd beat you up, but I'm relaxing right now."
…
Yukari begins looking around the shrine idly, taking a moment to stare at Youmu and Keine, before glancing at me.
I wave at her. "Hello, friend."
"You received my letter, right?" She idly questions.
I nod. "Ye~p. Keine will be in the village by sundown, or you may consume my flesh and bones with fine dining utensils."
...Reimu's glare on Yukari hardens. Keine begins looking displeased, as well.
Smiling awkwardly, Yukari nods. "Good, good… I was wondering if it was going to be lost in transit."
You gapped it. Unless you have a train station inside your gaps… which isn't entirely implausible.
...She turns to the source of her newfound fluster. "Oh, it's nothing, Reimu, dear. Just a joke between friends."
Wha- wait, y'freakin' noob!
"..." Reimu shakes her head, sighing.
"Oh, looks like she's rousing…" Yukari stares at Youmu, who peacefully stretches...
"Toodaloo~!" Yukari recedes into her gap, vanishing.
Totally didn't have the attitude of someone who was gonna drown me in alcohol! I gotta wonder why she even sent me that freakin' letter if she showed up literally seconds later.
Oh, well. Fluffy gap demon works in mysterious ways… or maybe she's just got her hands full. With fluff, I assume.
...
Youmu straightens herself, sitting up idly.
Reimu slides her some tea, and the ghost gardener automatically accepts the cup, sipping from it.
"...Mmh." Youmu grunts her thanks.
"Welcomed." Her sentiment is recognized by Reimu.
…
I rise from the kotatsu! "Keine, I'm gonna go get your silly hat and accompanying accessories from the village."
She turns to me. "Ah… Do you know where it is?"
"Nope. Help." I hold out my arms…!
"...You saw my school room, right…?" She began rubbing the crusties from her eyes. "I keep spares in the closet in there."
Cool…
I wave at the friends. "Alright. Reimu, don't let the world end while I do my side quests and things."
"Don't count on it." Reimu snarks back.
With that, I proceed towards the shrine's exit…
Where in the frik did Ha-chan go, too? She literally just woke up next to me and it was all like, freakin'... geez.
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
I dare somebody to count how many freakin' times I've had to repeat this scene with the asshole guards in front of the village gate.
"Hold it, buddy." This smug fuckface holds his hand out, instructing me to stop.
"Dude!" I hold out my arms. "Look at my fuckin' armor! I got jacked up!"
"Hey, easy…" He backs up a bit, becoming a bit more clammy. "Just doin' my job. Geez."
He turns to open the gate, allowing me inside.
I give him a thumbs up. "Thanks, man."
"No problem."
About time one of them wasn't a complete freakin' enemy to the concept of transit.
Moving inside, the village exists as normal. People are walking around doing whatever the fuck all it is that one does in the human village. Seriously, what do they do all day?
...Then again, if my house was four rooms or less, I might not wanna spend a lot of time in there, either.
The street is about the same as it has always been, more or less. Except there's purple KKK members running around, trying to evade guards.
Not sure whether to call that an improvement or otherwise…!
I pass that one house I took refuge in for a while, previously. I wonder how it's doing?
The door's wide open, still. I decide to look into it…
Inside the house, I see Sarah! She's folding some robes, apparently…
As I step inside, she gasps, turning to me. She raises a flintlock!
"Yo~!" I put my arms up. "I ain't lookin' to be lit alive, yo!"
"Br-Brad…?" She lowers the flintlock. "U-uhm, sorry about that… Things have been… crazy, I guess. Sorry."
Dayum!
With a sigh, she lowers the flintlock onto the table, next to some folded robes.
"Just stoppin' by to see how things're goin'." I lower my arms… "Saw the front door open, and didn't know what I was uh, gettin' myself into!"
She giggled. "Yea~h, uhm… fuck doors. Seriously."
Yeah!
Someone walks in from an- by which I mean the- adjacent room!
"Sarah-chan, who are you-"
Fred freezes before me.
What the fuck!?
"Y-you…!?" He points at me, and reaches for a staff that isn't on hand.
"He~y there son! I-I know we didn't get off on the best start, but-"
"Sarah, get the flintlock!" Fred yells at her. "Now!"
For whatever reason, she grabs it, but she doesn't aim it at anyone, thankfully. "Wh-what!? Why!?"
"That man is a youkai!" Fred points at me.
"No, son!" I wave my arms. "I may've accidentally'd your Anti-Hakurei bullshit, but I ain't a yankee!"
Fred snarls. "Bullshit! You've come to finish the job, right!? Right!?"
Sarah looks back and forth between us, confused. "Fred!? Wh-what's going on!?"
"Shoot him! Let me get my staff!" Fred barks.
"Son, I come in peace!" I hold out my arm futily. "Me love you long time!"
Finally, Sarah gets a vague idea of the misunderstanding… "...F-Fred, he's okay…"
He was already in the other room. Noticing this, Sarah went to block the door.
"Get out of the way!" Fred orders.
The orders were ignored, and even countered! "No! He's okay! He gave me this house!"
Grimacing, Fred narrows his eyes. "The house with doors we can't close."
Sarah winced, but continued… "...It-it's better than the alleys, right? We… we wou-would've died…"
I'd like to know exactly what happened here.
...Sighing, Fred brings his hands to his face, dropping his staff to the floor.
Cla-clank!
"Da-damn it, Sarah…" He's frustrated, friends… "Just- just let me do this for you…"
…
"I feel like there's a whole story I'm missin' here." I voice my concern.
The two just stare at me for a moment.
…
"Co-come on in…" Sarah gestures for me to follow her into the other room.
Looking crestfallen, Fred grabs his staff, and begins strafing further into the room, lookin' like he wants to jump me.
I proceed inside, where there's a table to sit at. Sarah and Fred sit around it and…
...Uh~...
I point at the really big, tubby fluffle dancing in place in the corner. "Who is he?"
"...Training dummy." Fred summarizes.
"He just came home the other day." Sarah's gaze falls to the table. "We had no real choice but to let it in. All it does is stand in that corner, and dance."
Awwh.
"My spells and stuff don't work well on it, so I use it to train…" Fred surrenders information!
"Fluffy." I observe.
…
"What do you know about the manor gates?" He suddenly inquires.
Daa~h… "They're gatey." I blurt. That was almost entirely automatic...
Sarah visibly deflates. "Wh-why are you still going on, about that…?"
...Fred gives her a mixed expression. "Well…"
He's a freakin' pervert, yo. I don't wanna drop that bomb right now, though.
"If we do anything!" Loudly and abruptly, Sarah shouted. "We're finding my brother!"
…
"Of- of course, Sarah…" Fred appears crestfallen.
...Standing up, I move towards the big fluffle. "He has a big forehead."
I hug the fluffle, nuzzling its forehead.
…
It's still dancing as I do this. Freakin' cuddly.
…
"Still wanna know about that gate?" I feel like a third wheel, here!
"N-no…" Fred shakes his head.
Alright, yo. "I'm gonna just be, uh… headin' out."
"Take us with you." Sarah requests. "If only for a little while."
Freakin'... "I don't intend to-"
"Please! I-I need to find my brother!" She holds her flintlock up to her chest, squeezing it, as she gives me those freakin' puppy dog eyes.
...Well, with a face like that…
Also, it's not safe to hold a flintlock like that!
"Alright, friends…" I consent. "We're gonna be doin' things my way, though. Any digressin' and side questin's on you guys to do."
"Ye-yes!" Sarah salutes me.
...Fred shakes his head. "He's gonna get us killed."
...Sarah furrows her brows, and elbows him.
"Hey…"
Leaving the house, the two tiny people trail along behind me as I begin moving towards Keine's school…
…
"Do-... do you think he'll recognize us…?" Sarah quietly poses another question behind me.
"He shouldn't." Fred lowly replies. "I don't think there are even any robed guys left."
On cue, a purple-robed bastard charges across the street ahead of us, being trailed by guards with bows.
"One of you fucks has to learn to aim horizontal!"
Their accuracy leaves something to be desired!
On the roof tops, a different, purple-clad mage spots us, and begins skittering away once we're in eyesight.
Friendly.
The other two don't seem to notice him, even though they were looking around cautiously. Freakin' noobs.
Before long, we arrive at Keine's school!
Or, y'know. What used to be Keine's school.
Complex, purple graffiti now adorned the walls. Like, the place was a little vandalized before, but now it looks like a tornado hit it and threw purple paint cans everywhere.
Also, what's people's obsession with purple!?
"O-oh, god…" Sarah cups her hands around her mouth, which looks awkward because of the flintlock.
Fred growled. "...You set us up, didn't you!?"
I turn to him, impatient. "What the frik are you talkin' about!? I gotta fetch Keine's shit from her insane dwelling!"
...At that, Fred glares at me. "A likely story. Come on, Sarah. We're…"
...Sarah walks past me, towards the former school.
"Sa-Sarah…" He stutters, watching her.
…
"Are- are you- we can't!" Fred scrambles after her. "We're going to die!"
"It's better than living in fear!" Sarah shouts back. "Maybe they have my brother! We have to do something!"
Somethin' seriously friktastic happened while I was away, and I have no idea what. What's with all of this doomspeak? I no know doomspeak!
The door of the school seems to have been left hanging open, so I proceed towards it. I can't remember if it was like that before, so~...
I walk inside and men in torn purple robes with axes.
"So then I grabbed th' bitch by the handlebars, and I-.."
"Look, mate, either you have the sharpener, or you-..."
"Joey, if y'don't have even an ounce of my money, I'll-..."
They turn to me, glaring, ceasing all activity.
Sarah follows in behind me, and freezes. "...N-no…"
Fred notices the horde from behind us. "Yo-you morons!"
"Back up!" I exclaim, pushing my 'party members' back with my arms.. "Backing up, backin' up! Beep, beep, beep!"
The axed men begin charging for us! Oh, fuck!
Picking up Sarah, I begin running away!
"C'mon, Fred!" Get your ass in gear!
"Gh…" With a frustrated face, he provides coverfire. "Thunder!"
Thwaa~sh!
A thunderbolt strikes one of the men-
Splosh!
Fountain of blood. Holy shit. He was gibbed!
...That's a lot of blood! Like, his stomach's almost like-
Alright, that's it, no staring. "It is time to advance in the opposite direction!"
Inside, a familiar kitty cat takes the moment to act.
Shi~ng!
"Take this!"
A woman's voice is heard in the crowd of axemen.
"You are mine!"
The hooligans inside the building begin doubling back, as the sounds of flesh being rended take dominance over their agitation. The five or so outside still continue towards us.
Aiming from my arms, Sarah shot at one of them.
Pow!
...My ears!
"Gahk…" The man who was struck crumpled up, clutching his chest.
Sarah leaps from my arms, and begins reloading. "Fred, hold them!"
"Fire!"
A meek fireball is launched, which ends up being parried by an oversized battleaxe.
So much for freakin' retreating...
"For the Kaiser!" One of them holds his axe high.
"Kaise~r!"
This place is a huge mess! This entire village thing, I mean!
I brandish Flame Salvo. "Stay back, noobs!" Channeling mana into it, I begin suppressing them with fire, literally.
Fwoosh!
They back up from us, looking pensive about the flames…
Pow!
Gunshots are louder in person, you know. You see guns in video games go like 'papapapap', but it's really more like 'Boom!' and then moments of intense ringing.
Needless to say, I really wish it was like the former!
Sarah begins reloading again…
"Thunder Orb!" Fred holds his staff forward, sending a large orb of electricity forward.
Zazazap!
...A fried axeman drops onto his back.
The remaining axemen seem to realize how hopeless the situation is, and begin lowering their axes. That's probably a first for this kind of enemy! Usually they just throw themselves at you because they know they're expendable, and they just want to kill one of your meaningful friends. The bastards.
"Drop 'em." I point at one of their weapons. "We happen to have deluxe retirement programs, yo. We'll get you a four-oh-one K."
They don't understand my strange alien terminology, but they do slide their axes into the dirt, holding their arms up.
I wait for the flames to die down before approaching them, the other two following behind me…
"Aaaa~h!" Screams of men come from inside the school. I see Aiko Kuro spin across the door frame, her bloody katana hands rending a man's torso from its lower extremities. Small, red, fleshy bits float through the air, before splatting on the ground…
You know what? "...I think we're gonna be goin' around the back, guys." I turn to them…
"No problem." Fred agrees wholeheartedly with this plan of action.
"Ye-yeah." Sarah does, too.
In that case, exit, stage right!
I move around the perimeter of the school, the noobs following along behind me as I look for some good openings…
Eventually, I think I find the window above Keine's office…
"Alright…" I look up at it. "Can you guys gimme a boost or somethin'?"
Fred stares at me dryly. "...How about you give us a boost? You're the tall one."
...Shit, he's right. "...Freakin', aight."
Sarah holds up her flintlock like a hammer by holding it from the barrel. She begins to climb onto my back with Fred's help, and then…
Sma~sh!
She smashes the window open because yeah.
"...Why did ya smash the window?" I inquire.
"...Are we not climbing in through it?" She looks down at me.
"He-hey! It's you!"
Sarah blanches, leaping from my shoulders quickly, "Aaa-aaa~h! Ka-Kaiser…!"
Yeah, that figures.
Fred's expression froze into one of tense nerves. "Ka-Kaiser…"
…
Backing from the wall, I get a good look at the smashed window, trying to think of a way to-
Boo~m!
The wall blows open!
Suddenly, in the distance, I see yin-yang orbs fly through the day time sky, along with amulets.
"Ho ho hoh…" The tubby, blonde-haired man inside the school steps out. "I knew those bombs would be a choice investment! I knew it!"
Sarah aimed her flintlock at him. "I-I'm not scared of you! Not anymore!"
I assume this guy's this 'Kaiser' fellow. Anyway, he grins, and stuff. "Hah! You little twerps are shakin' in your little bitchy boots!"
Bitchy boots.
Pow!
Ti~ng!
The man held up his hand, a mirror-like shield forming around him. "Refle~ct!"
The bullet flew back towards Sarah, grazing her arm. "A-aa~h…"
"Hahaha!" He clutches his stomach as he laughs. "You'll make the finest prostitute yet!"
Wait, is sex trafficking a thing, then? How.
"You look so cute when you're-"
"Thunder!" Fred snaps.
Zap!
The tubby man dodges to the side, which is either proof that there is a higher power, or the lack thereof. "Huoh!"
...Then, he glares at Fred. "You stupid shota runt! I'll turn you into a woman!"
Shota's a word, here, too!? Or is that Yukari's auto-correct talking? The world may never know...
Hakurei amulets are still flying in the sky to the right of us. I guess Reimu's going Master Chief on some robed hoodlums, herself.
The Kaiser looks to the sky, and pales. "O-oh… The Hakurei is in town, I see. I suppose I'll have to save my heavy weapons for another time, then. Until then, my dearest Sarah-chan!" With that, the Kaiser moves to the back door, and-
Crack!
...The door is ripped open by Aiko.
Before this shit gets too insane, I bolt for the closet!
Swinging the door open, I-
...A black-haired girl stares up at me, fully clothed but tied up, rope gagging her mouth.
"Mmmph!"
Well, okay, then. 'Cause y'asked nicely, yo.
In here, I do indeed see some of Keine's outfits on the hanger rack. I take two copies!
"You have eluded me for the last time, human!" Aiko smirks. "Now you will feel what it means to defy me!"
"You're a bitch, Aiko!" Kaiser roars. "A filthy fucking youkai!"
Lifting up the captive woman, I bolt for the back wall, with Keine's clothes slung over my back.
"Hah!" Aiko swings at Kaiser, who raises a katana of some kind to defend himself-
Cling!
She vanishes, and appears behind him. "It is over!"
"Wha- huerk..."
Flesh tumbles to the floor.
Swish, swish!
I felt the wind from that!
"Mmm~!" The girl on my shoulder attempts to scream, having seen the carnage behind us.
Fred and Sarah have booked it, like sane people. They're not even nearby, anymore.
Rounding the corner into the alleys, I keep sprinting some ways…
…
Alright. Shit's done. I got the clothes, and I saved some random girl. Of like, a big number, I'm sure, but she can probably start a revolution or something.
Turning her around, I realize...
I realize I don't know how to untie rope!
"...Mmph." She seems more relaxed, her expression vain.
Alright, lemme just put down the ripped up fragments of the Keine outfits- goddammit they got sliced up.
Whe~lp! I'm pissed. "Fu~ck."
The captive girl gives me a concerned glance.
Well, I might as well untie her. Somehow.
…
Oh, hold the phone. I know the perfect thing…
Reaching into my sack, I draw Sharper Than Darkness. Yea~h, this is the luck I was hoping to have…
Carefully, I slide it under one of the ropes, taking care not to cut her skin or anything, and-
Snip!
...The rope around her mouth falls.
"Th-thank you…"
Woo. Please be a seamstress, or something.
Next, I undo the hands… Snip!
"I-I have it, from here…"
She proceeds to untie herself smoothly and seamlessly, somehow.
I smile at her. "How're ya doin'?"
"O~h, fine. Here." She tosses me a single yen coin. "Go find yourself a nice woman."
Wat.
With that, she begins strutting off, moving her butt in an exaggerated manner.
…
I dunno what happened there, but I think I got ripped off! Freakin'...
Wait. Seamstress… Alice! Maybe Alice can fix this crap up… at a fee, of course. Ugh.
Can I just give her that book I got on amatuer fire spell casting? Freakin', yo…
Oh, well. Maybe she accepts mortgages.
Strutting away, I decide to leave the village, making a conscious effort to avoid the amulet and yin-yang orb storm that ensued.
Man… corrupt Kaisers, rampaging cat women, robe people, two traumatized tiny people… This place really will fall apart if I don't get Keine back here by today. Seriously.
Quickly, I get on the move…!
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
"Brad-kun!" Ha-chan leaps at me from the woods.
"Oh, Jesus!" I flinch violently. "Du-dude!" Where the hell…!?
"I found friends!" She gestures behind herself.
...Cirno walks out from behind her. "He~y!"
Some generic sunflower fairy steps out, next. She takes the moment to nuzzle the sunflower…
Friends.
"Alright, Brad-kun!" She steps in front of them. "Meet Cirno-chan, Sniffle-chan, and Koishi-chan!"
Sniffle-chan. Wait, what was that last one?
"Hi…" Sniffle-chan greets meekly.
…
"Come on, say hi, Koishi-chan." Ha-chan pouts.
…
Ha-chan furrows her brows at me. "Say hi back, Brad-kun!"
This is wei~rd, yo! "Hi, Koishi, among other friends." Being invismable makes it hard to talk to her.
Actually, who was it again? Someone with cloaking? Her name'd ended in I, I know that… Nitori?
"Koishi's just kinda shy." Ha-chan wiggles a bit, then moves up to her. "But she's cuddly!"
Ha-chan hugs the invisible form. Koishi briefly blinks into existence, a surprised look on her face.
Koishi! That's who it was! How in the world did I-
She vanished.
-forget a touhou like her? Seriously, she- who is, I mean… oh, fuck. I'm getting Alzheimer's, yo…
Ha-chan released the girl-who-I'm-sure-had-pink-hair-at-least-or-was-it-green from her grasp. "See, Brad? Friends."
I'm losing my mind over here, Ha-chan. Don't you 'friends' me, yo.
"Well, friend, I'm headin' to Alice's." I tell her.
"Hmm?" Cirno tilts her head. "The puppeteer's place?"
"Sh-she's scary…" Sniffle-chan hugs her sunflower tightly.
"Don't worry!" Cirno presses her thumb into her chest. "Eye'll protect you! That evil puppeteer hasn't seen the likes of me!"
You're about as believable as Donald Duck saying he can take on Kanako Yasaka.
Not accepting further input from our newfound collection of mooks, I continue into the woods ahead of us.
"Let's follow Brad-kun, guys!" Ha-chan turns to the two- three… "...Ko-...Koizumi-chan? Where'd you go?"
Koizumi-chan? Who the frik…
At least I was right about there being two people.
Ha-chan turns back to me, beaming. "Let's go!"
We march into the magical woods! It's daytime, so getting lynched's not one of my main concerns!
"Do you think she'll bake us a cake when we get there?" Ha-chan nearly squees.
"...Sure." I don't have the heart to tell her Alice's a seamstress, not a bakemeisterperson.
"I'm gonna beat her up!" Cirno boasts. "If she's bakin' anything, it's gonna be us! Or a poison cake! Or people!"
I don't think Alice eats people.
...Ha-chan looks back, concerned. "Our friend Kokoa-chan disappeared all of a sudden…"
Wasn't it Kokomo just a few moments ago?
As we delve deeper into the woods, noticeable amounts of cobwebs hung off of trees. A few spider girls sighted us, considering attack until they noticed I had multiple friends behind me.
Now if someone goes 'you better have at least six friends standing behind you' I can now be like 'well actually I have three but good enough'.
In the depths of the woods, as we got closer and closer to Alice's house, I started considering this to be more and more of a bad idea.
Entire trees wrapped with cobwebs. What looked like catapults crafted from cobwebs and loose branches formed a line into the woods in both directions, spider girls spinning twigs and sticks into balls, putting them into a small, square stick frame, and then launching them.
I feel like a ball of web wouldn't be that good of a siege projectile, but I dunno…
Also, there's a giant cobweb in the path ahead of us. Blocking the way.
"Freakin'..." I need to get this freakin' set of rags sewed, or I'm gonna get it up the ass from Yukari's strap-on!
…
...I turn to Ha-chan. "Get one our party members to do something, yo." Please.
Breaking from her idle state, she whirls around to face the two.
…
"Cirno-chan, I need you to do some jumping jacks!" Ha-chan decides.
"On it!" Cirno begins jumping in place.
Then, she requests something even more wasteful. "Sniffle-chan! I need you to use all your potions on me!"
Sniffle-chan complies, for whatever unholy reason. "Su-sure thing! Ha-chan!"
She tosses a green orb into the air, which splits into three and revolves around Ha-chan, before being absorbed.
She smiles back."Thank you!"
"H-Ha-chan!" Sniffles does it again.
It is absorbed into Ha-chan. "Thank you!" Oh, boy…
"I-I'll heal you!" Another potion tossed...
"Thank you!" ...and viciously consumed.
Alright, that's enough… "I meant get someone to cut through this web you fluffy fairy friend."
…
"Oh." Another potion revolves around Ha-chan, healing her. "Thank you!"
Cirno was doing fake jumping jacks, now, just moving her limbs as she floated in the air. "Eye can do it!"
Breaking from her dishonest jumping jacks, she flew up to the web, and held up her arms. She's gonna conjure a sword, isn't-
"Cold Body! Super Ice Kick!" She grinned. "Hyah!"
Kli~ng!
She got stuck in the web, by the arms. However, her legs did manage to kick straight through the web, akin to an ice spike.
"Here!" Sniffle-chan threw another potion into the air.
It revolved around Cirno, being absorbed into her. "...Eye feel great!" She began tugging at the web. "...Eye-Eye'm still stuck!"
Yeah, go figure. Turns out healin' magic don't defy physics like that.
Ha-chan furrows her brows. "Hmmm…"
"You could, uh, freeze the web." I suggest. Put all those browsers on deep freeze, yo!
Cirno gets angry at that. "Don't tell me what to do! Eye've been in this situation before!"
Oof. "...What didja do to get out of it?"
"...Eye didn't."
Oh.
Another potion was absorbed into Cirno's being. "...Aa~h."
...Sniffle-chan pouts. "I'm out of potions…"
You maniac.
Ha-chan snapped her fingers. "Cirno-chan! You could freeze the webs!"
"Hey…" Cirno paused. "...That's not a bad idea!"
The world is out to eat me, dude.
In moments, the web was frozen. Cirno tugged a bit...
Shatter!
"Great idea, Ha-chan!" Cirno beamed. "You remind me of Daiyousei, except-..." She trails off, shaking her head. "Nevermind!"
Curious place to cut your sentence, friend.
Luckily, I'm the only person who noticeably dwells on that stuff here.
"Wha~t...?" Ha-chan turns to her, smiling.
Maybe I was wrong…!
"Except, uhm…" Cirno pauses. "... More… like… soft?"
Almost as smooth as me, yo.
...Ha-chan beams normally again. "Ya~y!" She does a cute lil leap.
"Stop!"
One of the many spider girls around us takes notice, and spins down towards us from web in the forest's canopy.
"What do you puny fairies think you're doing?" The tan-haired spider girl scolds us, before setting her eyes on me, only for a moment.
"Beating up that strange puppet lady!" Cirno exclaimed. "She… she uh…" Cirno turns to us. "What did she do?"
"Went home." I offer warmly.
"...Yeah! She went home!" A detestable crime!
"...Oo~kay." The spider girl is sufficiently weirded out. Mission accomplished. "Well, if you wanna take a crack at her-"
"Look out!" A red-haired, black widow-esque spider girl with a tiara and everything, bolted past us, skittering quickly. "Get under something! Now!"
Looking to a nearby, downed log, I duck under it. Spider women make themselves visible from the canopy, all having similar ideas to mine.
This includes like, three other spider chicks and Ha-chan stuck under this log with me. This would be hot, if the girls didn't have their spider appendages in my face and like, yeah.
At least I'm not an arachnophobe!
…
Thu-thunk-thunk-thu-thu-thunk-thunk…
The trees are like, bombarded. Spears and arrows rain down across the land, and with them come Shanghai dolls. Up above the canopy, many archers begin sweeping the woods.
Thunk, thunk, thunk!
Our tree trunk's gettin' trunked, dude!
Cirno flies out to engage them. "Minions of Alice! You are no match for-"
Shink!
Pi~chun!
Conglaturation! You have compelted a great game, and prooved the justice of our culture. Now go and rest our heroes!
Within seconds, all of the dolls fell back towards Alice's house, in a wave.
"...Oka~y!" The black widow came back out, gesturing for the spiders to follow. "Whoever's still alive, station the catapults!"
...A few spider girls fall back, less vigorous than before. Even more didn't seem to emerge from where they hid, presumably wasted by the dolls.
You know, I spent so much time fighting fairies, I kinda forgot that many other battles in Gensokyo are probably really freakin' deadly. Like the human village, even aside from the ones fried by Ha-chan, a buncha guys just up and died. Be it from Aiko, that one fire attack I did earlier… I mean, shit. Killing people's way too easy!
Ha-chan and I never even got out of our hiding spot before-
"Everyone! Take cover!"
Once again, I am surrounded by spider girls, and their freakin' fluffy spider behinds.
...A rain of swords greets the woods this time, before being pulled back up into the sky, as if on strings. Which, y'know, they probably are.
...The spider girls next to me begin shaking. Oh, boy.
…
"Is- is it over?" A deep-voiced one next to me asks.
Shi~ng!
A blade drops through the top of the tree trunk, sticking her in the back.
"Aackh…!"
"A-aah!" A smaller spider girl tensed up. "...M-Masaki-cha~n! Noo~!"
Shink!
A passing Hourai Doll popped in from out of our field of view, and stabbed her in the throat.
"Guuh-ghgh-ghrkghrkghrk!" Backing up hastily, blood oozed over the lanced as she retreated into a tree behind us, gutteral moans coming from her exposed throat.
I dunno what to say about this, but it's a lot different than in video games, that's for damn sure!
All of the surrounding web looked significantly more cut up.
…
The dolls began falling back again.
...The black widow stumbles out from behind some cover somewhere, a lance embedded in her chest. She pulls it out, and tosses it aside. "Wh-who's still… alive!?"
Surprisingly, there's a general murmur from around us, as spider girls and spider women break from their cover and get to work again.
I look at the one that got stabbed in the throat. She's crying, still having the spear lodged in her throat, but it seems some spiders with little nurse hats are attending to her injury, examining the lance…
Oh, right. They're youkai. They're able to take some abuse, aren't they?
The spider girl next to me crawls out, dragged by odd legs, while her others dragged along helplessly. "Fi-field… nurses…"
...Just say 'medic'. Don't gotta be all fancy in death, Sally.
I turn to Ha-chan. "Where's your sunflower friend?"
"In a better place." Ha-chan nods warmly…
...Didn't know you were into black comedy, Ha-chan. "...Rip. Come along, friend."
Now, I could just wait this out, but I have no idea how long I'd have to wait this out. So, y'know…
Leading Ha-chan along, I march towards Alice's house…
It comes into sight, a variety of dolls patrolling the perimeter. Web-covered projectiles rain towards her roof, and while some laser-firing lancers try to intercept them, a few still manage to get through. The way they soar through the air is rather surreal…
In any case, I hold my arms up, and begin walking towards the house…!
As I do so, Ha-chan mimics my move, getting the picture.
A spider girl tries to follow along behind us, doing the same procedure. A few other colorful haired spider people try, as well, but-
Swish!
A large battle axe lands behind Ha-chan, cutting off the spiders from our position at the head of the conga line.
"Aaa~h!"
"You bitches!"
"Cover them, quickly!"
Not lookin' back, yo.
I step towards Alice's house…
"Aaaa~h!"
It seems a spider girl has launched herself in a catapult, heading straight for Alice's roof.
"Aa-aaaa~h!" She screamed, spreading her arms and many legs…
The lancers move to face her. This time, they launched actual danmaku, pelting the spider girl.
"Aaah-ouch-ow ow ow! N-no…!" She flailed her limbs, before she bent at weird angles, apparently being contorted by invisible string.
I step towards Alice's front porch, and move to knock on the door…
"Hyaaaa~h!"
Immense, loud noise came from a tall, womanly spider. I turned to face her, and wow.
Her face was full-on spider, and she had two huge, talon-esque arms, ripe for ripping things apart. Complex red designs ran up her legs, except for one which had a peculiar yellow pattern on it.
Also, big honkin' bazonkas, but I dunno if they make up for the rest of whatever that is.
String seems to compress and contort her skin violently, but she seems to be ripping through it with her two front talons. Dolls move to stab her with lances, and she eventually gets forced into a kneeling stance…
"Hryaaa~h!" Suddenly, she leaped into the air again, breaking from the sorta stuck position she was in, before landing in the same spot.
The door opened ahead of me, and Alice flew out, floating through the air and onto the lawn. "Trooper! Suicide Squad!"
From behind her, a bunch of dolls with little mini LMGs, and green army gear ran out to meet the giant spider lady. Did I mention how tall she was? Like, bigger than Alice's house. She's a giant person!
They surround the spider woman, who bares her talons at a few of them, slamming them into the floor.
Boom! Bam! Boom!
Those she struck exploded, forcing her to flinch. "Hahn…!"
Eventually, once they all surrounded her, the dolls obediently marched straight into her.
Bam! Boom, bam, boom bam-boo-boom-bam-...
I cover my ears. That's lou~d…
…
Even without hearing it, the violence is loud on a visible level. Eventually, the explosions begin tearing away at her flesh, leaving stains and entire puddles of red flowing through the forest floor.
The final few blasts are especially violent.
Kaboom!
...The limp body of the giga spider crumples onto her side, the red glow from her eyes now an empty black.
There's a lake of blood.
The other spider girls seem to have suddenly vanished, because all of the dolls quickly ran out of things to attack in the woods.
…
Gensokyo, man. It's… it's a place.
Alice huffs, turning to me. "...I hope they weren't too much of a bother for you."
Ahah.
...She notices my furrowed brows, and unchanging expression. "...Is something the matter?"
Yeah. "Gonna need a squeegee."
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
Alice's house is as delightful on the inside as ever!
"I doubt you'd have come all this way to jeer with me." A vain stare greets me.
"Exactly why." How'd she know? "For no other reason would I trudge through an onslaught of spider women and automated killing machines."
…
Alice turns to the counter that holds her crafting things. "I'm glad to know you think so highly of me."
The worst part is, it's gettin' hard to tell what's sarcasm and what's not!
Ha-chan thankfully remedies the situation with blunt awe. "That was so cool! That spider girl was all like 'boom, boom'! And then the girls were all like 'woman down'! And the dolls were like 'wooshwooshwoosh'!"
...Alice gives her a flat stare. "...Right."
Taking Keine's tarnished clothes from the sack, I spread the ripped garments across the table… "I need ya to fix Keine's outfit, yo."
Intrigued, Alice turns to me. "Keine…? What could have happened to it?"
"Cat girls." I grin.
"...Figures." She sighed. "...Still, that amount of cloth is abnormal."
Taking small steps towards us, Alice finally looks down at the cloth. Did she just tell without…?
"...So I was right. This looks like two costumes." She raises a brow, her eyes moving to glance at me.
I nod. "Yeah. Cats in the laundry room."
...She furrows her brows. "These look like blade slices."
Who are you, some fabric guru!? "The cat had not one, not two, but octuple katanas."
…
"So you're serious about this, then?" Alice seeks confirmation.
"Mmm. If I don't do this for her, Yukari said she's going to use her strap-on on me."
Looking down at the fabric, Alice nods. "Mmm. That does sound pretty bad." She's hardly registering what I'm sayin', is she? "I'll take the excess cloth from the reparations for my reserves. She doesn't want both outfits, does she?"
I shake my head. "Nope. One complete outfit, yo." This is better than paying full price for two! I can always steal another later, now that I know where they are. Like a dirty, dirty criminal.
"...I have her sizes in here, somewhere…" Shooting me another glance, she waves me off. "It'll be an hour, or two."
With that, she leaves the room, receding into her own.
Oof. Well, I got time to kill, then.
First thing's first…!
"Ha-chan." I address my fluffy fairy friend.
She stops fiddling with dust bunnies on the table, and smiles at me. "Hi, Brad-kun!"
"How did you not fry me?" Inquiring minds wanna know!
...She tilts her head.
Freakin'... "The other day, when you exploded."
"Oh!" She tilts her head in the other direction. "...I dunno. I mean… I didn't want to hurt you…?"
...I stare at her dryly. "Want." Raisin' a finger, I bring up the key word…! "Want."
"I channeled as much of myself into you as I could to protect you." Ha-chan explains. "But then it got stuffed into a small space and destroyed."
What. "...Wait, did you just say you channeled as much of yourself as possible into me?"
She beams. "Yeah!"
...Jesus fuck. "...You got crammed into a small space, though." I confirmed.
She nods. "Mm, mm! It was a tight squeeze, but I died."
...Fairies are weird.
…
Looking around the room, I lay my gaze on the many stationary dolls on the shelves. Unlike the previous times I visited, they all have big, silver and green suits of armor and giant, similarly styled steel lances. Probably steel…?
Suddenly I have the urge to play with those plastic army men from my childhood. Oh, ma~n…
This place would be perfect for a plastic army men war. Especially Alice's table, here. This would be the main stage, and the bases would be on her counters over there. The dolls can be gundams, or something.
…
Now I just need the plastic army men. Daw…
Wonder if Alice ever plays with her dolls. I would.
"Do you think Alice wears pretty dresses, sometimes?" Ha-chan wonders aloud.
...Da~h. "I have no clue." We have different trains of thought, friend.
...Ha-chan pouts. "What? C'mon…"
Whaddaya want from me!?
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
An hour is longer when you're bored.
Alice's table now had chairs stacked up on it. Ha-chan was busy trying to lick her elbow…
"Ehn…" She failed. "...Eeh~n!" Oh, hey. She almost did it. "...Eee~!"
Krik.
…
"O-owwh…" She slowly twisted her neck back into place, whimpering.
...Now I don't know whether to help or not! "...You okay?"
"Ow, ow, ow…" She teared up, reaching for her neck.
Krik!
"Aaa-aaa…" She paused. "...I'm better!"
Were you not a fairy, that would have scared me.
...The door to Alice's room swings open.
"Finished." She announces the completion of her job! "Here you are."
Grinning, I accept the clothing. "Thanks, friend. Don't let the creepy crawlies bite, yo."
Alice snorts. "Mmm."
Moving towards the door, I request Ha-chan's presence! "Come with me, friend. We're going to be doing some hot dog aerials."
...She blinks at me, gingerly. "...What?"
I don't blame her!
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
She got lost on the trail, or something. I don't even know what happened this time. Ha-chan just up and, like… woosh. Nothin' but wind. Girl's a ninja, I'm tellin' ya.
Eagerly, I slide the door to the shrine open with a swipe of my arm, and leap inside. "He~y, Keine! I got your crack, cocaine!"
Hyonk!
Keine, who was seated at the kotatsu, simply blinks idly at me. "...Ah."
I step into the shrine's midst, holding the clothes. "I almost got turned into a freakin' ribbon factory trying to get it."
Takin' a good glance around the shrine- oh hey, it's Matt! He's freakin' bound! "And- ooh ho ho, mister angry eyes all the time! What's the occasion?"
"Hello, son." He grins up at me. "Are you going to help me?"
That sounds fun…
Taking a glance around the room- oh, wow. Yeah, uh, no. Reimu looks serious about this. Not only do I kinda respect her, but uh, I'm pretty sure I'd get cast down into the flames of Makai or something.
With little other choice, I react incredulously! "...Ho~h, shit. That's probably a hard no. Reimu looks like she wants to go through with that whole 'turn me into a ribbon factory' idea."
"Oh well." He sighs. "Seems I must remain as Reimu's sex slave. A fate worse than death."
...Now that's a thought. "Son, now I wish I was you, except not."
Anyway, I gotta give Keine her crack cocaine. Struttin' up to her, I hand her the stoof. "There you go, yo. Now go teach the village not to suck, 'cause it does." Seriously. If you don't go back right now it's going to become a freakin' barbarian camp.
...Keine scrunches her face at me, but shakes it off, turning to Reimu. "...Is it okay if I use your room to change, Reimu?"
Reimu nods, and Keine goes to get down with her funky self.
…
Now I wanna know what Matt's freakin' damage is. "So, what's the story? He kill somebody's mother?"
"I got caught going over the speed limit." He explains, smirking. "Now I got the death sentence…"
...Something about that statement tickles me, and I chuckle.
"Yes, actually. And her boyfriend." Reimu dryly addresses me.
…
Oh. "...Oh. Shieut." Are these the old killings, o~r is he even busier than I imagined…?
"They're probably happily eating peaches up in heaven now." Matt states. "If we ever invent cell phones, she can just call them."
...Huh. I put a hand to my chin. "Y'know, I think you're onto somethin'..." How did cell phones work in the after lives? I feel like the coverage plans would intentionally conflict with one another, to discourage that… but I don't doubt someone could crack that. Afterlife is weird.
"Was he always like this?" Reimu looks me levelly in the eyes as she says this.
Must ya ask me the hard questions…? "Huh? Oh, yeah. Basically. 'Cept with a whole lot less of the killing people. Then again, back in our world, finding a killer's like," I snap my fingers in a Z shape in the air. "Y'know?"
I think, anyway. Also, yeah, that 'huh' was totally to buy me a few seconds.
...Reimu gingerly shakes her head, unknowing of the outside world's homicide problems.
"...Ah." I shoulda figured. "Well, it's really easy, and you get like, killed and raped in a complex by fellow criminals for basically any crime."
…
"...Our prisons are kinda fucked up!" I realize!
Looking like her faith in humanity dwindled ever further, Reimu shakes her head with more resolve. "I've had enough of morally bankrupt things for one day."
...I don't want her to feel too bummed out. Then I'd feel like an asshole. "Oof. What's gotcha down?"
Reimu points at Matt.
...Ah. "Sounds about right! Can't help ya there!" Yeah, no. I ain't playin' the devil's advocate here. Especially when Matt actually did off people.
Reimu snorts, looking away…
…
Also, I'm free~! Free of the sidequesting and the bullshit, yo! "I'm gonna go… do things!" I intelligently declare!
Wahuehuehu~e!
With that, I bound out of the shrine, and slide the door shut behind me.
Let's see… I'm gonna steer clear of the village for awhile, while Keine presumably smashes some faces.
Speaking of Keine…
Turning, I catch her exiting through the outward bound kitchen door of the shrine. "Hey, yo. Rubba dub dub."
...She just blinks at me, before moving for the stairs.
...Man, am I a freakin' weirdo.
Oh, well. I think I'll head fo~r…
…
My gear is still insufficient to delve into 'Old Hell', and uh… yeah. Scary places everywhere.
I think this is why I hang out at the mansion all the time. I won't instantly die even trying to get there.
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
Speakin' of masonry and mansionry…!
...Sans the masonry bit, unfortunately. It sounded good, though.
Approaching the manor gates, I get ready to negotiate with Meiling…
"Hi, friend." I gingerly greet. "...So, the other day, the fluffy bluffs set in. I don't know what to do, friend."
Meiling peels an eye open. "...What do you want?"
"Home." I smile warmly.
"..." She sighs, breaking from her comfy position on the wall. "Alright. Mistress has been up all day, anyway."
Ooo!
"Thanks, friend." I give her a small wave!
"Mmhmm." Meiling pushes open the gate for me, and I step inside bouncily! I pass the fluffle stand on the way in, and the fluffle stares at me as I pass it...
By this point, most of the snow is melted. It's kinda chilly out these days, but not ass smashing cold, like it used to be.
Appropriate thoughts to think as I transition indoors, at any rate.
Inside the manor, nothing of note seems to be happening in the main hallway. Just fairies walkin' around, and being cuddly people.
At the top of the foyer, Remilia steps out from behind a hallway. "...Oh, it's you. I had thought we had an actual guest. Carry on."
She recedes back into the halls.
...I think I'll wander aimlessly until I find something interesting!
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
I get comfy in some random fairy's room, until I realize there's nothing to do there.
Let's see what's in her stuff…!
Moving to the drawer, I slide it open…
There's plastic jack things, and a rubber ball.
Yo~!
Reaching in, I take out the jacks. Sadly, the floor is carpet, leading me to wonder where the hell this is played. Let's go try the dining room!
I move to-
"...Just what are you doing, in here?"
Sakuya appears in front of me, dusting the drawer I just accessed.
I grin. "Gettin' jacked up, friend."
...Nodding, she vanishes. I hear her voice from the vanity across the room. "Try not to make a mess. As much as you usually do, anyway."
Turning to her, I salute. "Aye aye, yo."
With that, she vanishes. Honh.
Stepping back into the halls, I notice a distinct lack of lit candles, the hallway dark.
I see the shadow form of that one scarlet-haired fairy maid dart across the wall.
"Get back here!" Komi dashes down the hall, shaking her fist at her. "That's mine!"
The candles light back up in a wave as the two darkness fairies leave the corridor.
Lively days!
Following behind them in pursuit of the kitchen, I spot Namori in the halls, staring at a couch receptively…
...She notices me approach. "A-ah…"
...Friendly. "Hello." I wave.
"Hi…" She presses two fingers together, looking nervous. "U-uhm… Since Koi… isn't around, Komi deci-decided to tell me about boys…"
This discussion changed directions fast!
Namori sits down on the couch, and pats the seat next to her. "...What- what do you say… we 'Koo..'" She fidgets. "'Kool-aid and chill'...?"
...Woah. That threw me off guard!
...Suddenly, the couch cushion next to her lifted up, Ha-chan slowly emerging from under it.
"...Hi." She smiles.
Namori turns to her. "...Hi, Ha-chan."
The seat Namori was on slowly sunk into the couch, and after that, into the floor.
Helplessly, she looks up at me as she lowers into the dark depths of the floor. I lean over the couch, watching her descend.
After a while, the darkness consumes her.
…
Yeah, that's about what happens whenever someone asks to bone. If that's what she meant, anyway, and it wasn't just Komi screwing with her terminology with bad advice.
Ha-chan takes the cushion from her head, and drops it down into the pit Namori was lowered into.
"Where the frik did you go?" I ask her.
She blinks. "...I was with you?"
Friend, there better not be a fairy equivalent of dementia.
"How." Please.
Furrowing her brows, she insists. "I was with you! I was next to you until you went inside! I was with my friend Koishi-chan!"
Koishi!? Oh, well, no wonder! That freakin' sneaky…
Ha-chan turns to the green-haired shortie. "C'mon, Koishi-chan. I'm gonna show you to some friends!"
With that, they both-...
…
What was I doing again?
Turning around, I find Namori was gone, replaced by a freakin' hole in the couch.
…
Yeah, that about sums up what happens when people invite me to a good time. Sigh…
I was goin' to the dining room to play jumpin' jacks. Although, now I'm a slight paranoid after whatever that was…
Oh, well.
Continuing forward, the two darkness fairies dart back across the halls, past me, putting out the candles as they pass.
"Hehehe~!" Scarlet-who's-her-face darts by me, her shadowy form skipping on the walls.
Komi's still sprinting around. She stops before me, and puts a hand on my shoulder. "Fucking help me here! She took my shit!"
Woah no! "Not the shit! Oh, fuck!"
"I kno~w!" Komi looked down the hallway…
The candles relit, the dark fairy out of sight.
"...Damn!" Komi slouched. "She buggered off…"
"What did she even take?" That'd be helpful to know, yo.
"A thing." Komi describes. "...Look, it's round, and blue."
…
"You're not helping much, friend." I woefully inform her.
"It's a ball." Komi huffs. "Just help me get it."
...I fold my arms. "What if I don't, yo?"
She pushes me aside. "Fuck off."
From there, she continues to sprint down the hall…
I'm sure I'll see them run by me again, or something.
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
I bounce the red rubber ball on the table, and swing my arm wide, knocking all the jacks off the table before the ball lands again.
…
This may not be how you play jacks, but I don't wanna be right.
After picking up the jacks, I did it again, sweeping them all off the table after bouncing the ball once. "Yeah!"
…
This time, let's see…
Reeling my arm back, I slam the ball against the table.
Thunk!
It soared across the room, before going kaput in the rug ahead.
It was a good bounce! But…
…
After retrieving the ball, I buffed myself with Tundra Bloomer, feeling strength well up in my muscles…
"Here we freakin' go…" I blow on the rubber ball for good luck, reeling my arm back…
And a shwing!
I toss it at the table-
Thunk!
-and it bounces off of it, into the wall-
Clunk.
-and then it falls back to the floor, just shy of the dining table…
Good.
Sakuya appears behind me. "I'm not sure that's how you play jacks."
I tense up, and turn towards her… "I'm playing a custom game, yo. Private server enabled."
"...Hmm." In a moment, she blinks out, grabbing the rubber ball, and appearing next to me. "...What are the rules, then?"
"Throw it as hard as you can, yo." I grin. "Fuck that ball."
...Sakuya reels her arm back. Is… is she really gonna do it?
I back away as she prepares. Then, she tosses it at the table.
Thunk! The table rumbles, moving slightly from the hit.
The ball shoots up at the wall like a bullet, slamming off of it, off the ceiling and back towards the table.
Thunk. This time, the bounce is almost normal. It nearly reaches the ceiling again, but it soars for the window…
Sakuya appears before it to catch it.
...Smug, she drifts back down towards me.
"You cheat." I accuse her.
"If you think so." Yo…
"By virtue of being a super lady woman." Freakin'...
She snorts. "Oh, please. I'm nothing special. You're just weak."
With that, she vanishes. Dayum!
...After a brief bout of looking around, I realize the ball is back on the table. Freakin'...
Suddenly Flandre, and Ha-chan, and Koishi. Ho~ly…! I suddenly remembered it! Ha-chan was a stalker fairy who is now technically my love buddy and- and Koishi is Satori's sister, and- wow. That's fucking trippy, du~de…!
And Flandre- woah, shit…
"Can I play?" Flandre smiles.
"Me, too!" Ha-chan hops in place.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah!" Koishi is apparently hype.
I now fear for my everything. "Yeah, sure, yo! Ball's on the table…!"
"Me first!" Ha-chan goes for the ball, and lifts it. She steps back, and readies her arm…
She tosses it.
Thunk.
It does a little bounce off the table, before landing in the carpet.
Flandre and Koishi give small, patient golf claps.
Gingerly, Flandre floats up, and towards the ball. "My turn…"
Whelp! I begin backing for the door…
Flandre lifts the ball, and floats to the position Ha-chan took. Following my entrepreneurial example, she drew her arm back…
The ball began glowing orange. Friend, why!?
…An aura began emitting from the ball. Oh, boy...
"...Hraa~gh!" Flandre roared, sending the ball into the dining room table.
I brought up Tundra Bloomer to guard-
Kaboom!
The point she struck exploded, the table's parts flying everywhere. A chunk of table flew into Tundra Bloomer, which I guarded against, the wood striking the broadside of the hanger.
Pi~chun! Ha-chan, no~!
...When the dust settled, Koishi stood there, unfazed, doing a slow golf clap of her own. There was also a hole in the floor, exposing the lower level.
Sakuya suddenly appeared, looking tired. "...We just rebuilt this room, too."
Flandre floated from the devastation, approaching us. "Awwh… It's alright, Sakuya. I'll rebuild it."
...She doesn't look like she's appealed by the idea! "...No, no, mistress, I'll-"
"I'll rebuild it, Sakuya." Flandre restates with finality.
"...Yes, little mistress." With no other choice, Sakuya consents the reconstruction to Flandre.
There's somethin' cool about Flandre pulling rank like that. I might not be coming back to the dining room in a while, though…!
I back into the kitchen, letting the scene sort itself out without me.
...In here, there are friends!
A little blonde fairy girl with a rolling pin looks up at me, before resuming the feverish flattening of dough, hastily rolling the pin back and forth across it.
...I near her. "Whatcha bakin', fri- woah!"
She suddenly whirls around, pulling a large bag of flour from a nearby shelf and attempting to clonk me with it.
Poof!
It exploded against the wall.
...The fairy girl went back to feverishly baking her cake.
Alright, geesh! Be that way, yo…
...In the hall outside the kitchen's back door, I see the shadow maid whirl across the dark halls, seemingly dancing on the room's surfaces as if the room itself were a really long, solid rectangle.
"Salute the sun, asshole!" Komi was holding a different blonde fairy maid by the legs and chest, holding her as if she were a cannon.
She spanked her ass.
"Eep!" The apparently sun-elemental fairy squeaked, blushing. Her blush glowed so bright that she became a flashlight, the blush's red glow lighting the hallway.
The light ate away at the darkness, and the scarlet fairy froze in place.
"O-oh, crap…!"
...After a moment, she was ejected from the ceiling, landing on the floor. "Aah… Stupid…"
Komi ran towards her. "Yeheheheaah! You're mi~ne!"
...As she neared, the fairy maid drew her sand red plant hanger.
Cla~ng!
"Fu-fuck…" Komi dropped the sun fairy, clutching the side of her head.
Landing on the floor, the sun fairy began wiggling a little.
The scarlet fairy grinned. "The safe word is: staff brutality!"
The mansion is in good hands.
…Komi writhed on the floor next to the sun fairy, while the scarlet-face looked proud about herself.
Remilia marched in from around the corner, looking impatient.
Power walking past me, and the fairies, she suddenly paused.
"...You." She turns to me. "What have you seen recently?"
...That's not a very clear question! "The color blue."
...She sighs. "Enemies. Those dust mites."
Fluffles? "Where'd they come from, and where'd they go, friend?"
...I receive a dry stare. "...This is not the time for games."
The scarlet fairy suddenly grins widely. "So says you, mistress!"
The hallway goes dark once more, and the fairy leaps into the wall. "Hehahaha~! Like this, even you can't stop me!"
...Remilia is unamused.
…
A red, plant-hanger-shaped danmaku bullet flies from the wall, next to her, but she leaps out of the way on the millisecond it's even visible.
"...Such a disgraceful attempt." Remilia scowls at the shadows.
"Hehahaha~! You can't do anything!" The fairy gloats. "Remilia~, Remilia~, the lose~r!"
…Remilia holds up her hand. "Shadows, come!"
All of the darkness in the hallway began to recede towards her hand…
"Wh-what…!?" The fairy girl leered down at Remilia from above. "...You're open!"
A plant hanger falls from above, but Remilia simply spot-dodges out of the way, and resumes absorbing the darkness with her hand.
Candles begin lighting back up as the darkness flows down into her hand.
"...Stu-stupid!" The fairy was forced to retreat into the darkness of the rest of the manor. "You'll never catch me!"
With that, she was gone.
"Stupid, rebellious twat!" Remilia seethed, staring at the ceiling. "I'll show you who owns this manor!"
The hallway went dark. Like, pitch black. The only thing I could see was Remilia, who promptly flew through the darkness, going after the fairy, presumably.
...It took a few moments, but the hall returned to… I wouldn't say normal. It's freakin' dark.
The sun fairy was shaking, curled up against the wall. "S-so… da-dark…"
Awwh.
Komi was splayed out on the floor, nuzzling the dark carpet, looking exceedingly lazy all of a sudden.
…
After a few moments, a spot on the ceiling became dark.
Scarlet-what's-her-face fell from it, landing on the floor.
Thud. "Aah! Y-you!" She got up, running towards me. "Help!"
Remilia shot from the ceiling. "I've found you!"
I fall backwards onto my ass as Remilia viciously lunges at the fairy maid.
Scarlet-face turns around, her eyes widening. "A-aaa~h!"
Pi~chun!
…
Remilia's breathing slows, as she recomposes herself. The candles light back up, and she readjusts her poofy hat.
"...Where was I?" She tilted her head, looking absent for a moment… "Oh, right. You." She snaps her fingers. "We have work to be doing."
We do?
Walking next to her, I follow her as she struts slowly…
…
Very slowly. Like- see here… I'm like, six feet tall, just about. She's like, four feet. Her legs are tiny! My stride makes this walk incredibly freakin' boring…
She could probably walk faster if she wanted to, but she chooses not to. Oof.
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
Remilia sat at her throne. Her head was tilted, and she had a rather relaxed posture, her nails tapping together as she idly held her hands before her face. Her eyes glowed scarlet.
Sakuya and I stood before the manor's mistress, along with some rather choice fairy maids.
"...I'm sure almost none of you know why you are here." Remilia's eyes scan us, as she makes the bored declaration.
A cream-haired fairy maid raises her arms. "I-I didn't do anything this ti~me!"
…
"I didn't say that." Remilia calmly replies.
"Look." Ganpeki stumbled forward, trying to look as intimidating as possible. "I didn't crush those morons, pipsqueak."
…
"Shut up, or get beat up!" Ganpeki suddenly boasts.
...Remilia sighs, looking disdainful. "Really?"
"..." Pierced by Remilia's glare, Ganpeki readies herself. However, she stiffly waddles back into place in our line, still in her ready position.
That awkward moment when you realize you're being a jackass, yo…
"...Regardless of whether or not you know," She begins, "I will demonstrate, to you."
Clapping her hands, a magical circle generated to the right of her, lighting up. With a bright flash, a bed appeared.
The covers wiggled, and soft fluff began flowing out from the blankets…
"honh hoh hoh honh hoh honh"
"Friends…" I smile gingerly.
"Enemies." Remilia scowls at me.
Awwh.
"Not only have they been ruffling about in some unmentionables," She gave me a glance, daring me to question further, "but Sakuya has begun finding them tarnishing the carpentry, and in possession of worrying devices." Reaching into her pocket, which I just realized she actually has some of, she pulls out…
...A modern pistol. Wha~t...
"...It appears to be some sort of firearm." Remilia states the obvious. "Unlike any kind of firearm we've seen before, it acts nearly instantly."
Hitsca~n! Point and click adventure, son.
"We haven't been able to sight fluffles armed with them," the mistress admits, "but locating them near their whereabouts confirms their ownership."
I'd like to know why fluffles would need modern pistols to deal with anything. They seem to all get along, and for the most part, they use magic or giant twisted death machines of continental ruin.
"Komi." Remilia loudly beckons the maid's attention.
"Hu-uh, yeah, whuh?" She shot up from her chair, drool running down the side of her mouth. "S-sorry, I was… yeah." Blushing, she grabbed one arm with the other, looking skittish.
Wo~w. Never thought I'd see her like that, but I also never thought I'd see her like she was earlier!
"I need you, Ganpeki, and Marblecolumn to spread the word across the manor that the fluffles are to be exterminated on sight." Remilia issues her order.
"Right…" Komi relents.
"Since when were you the boss of me?" Ganpeki steps forward again, folding her arms as she dons a cocky smirk.
"Since you came to work here, dumbbell." Remilia jabbed. "Unless you'd like to be cast away to the wild? Or, better yet, indefinitely sealed away?"
Ganpeki tensed up. "...I-I… right."
Remilia don't play around, yo. Serious mode!
"Sakuya, you are to do a daily fluff-scan." She commands her maid.
"I'll consider it part of my dusting." Sakuya probably already cleanses what fluff she can find.
"You." Remilia's stare lands on me. It's a pretty stare, all things considered. "Any information on the dust mites, I implore you to hand over as soon as possible. After all…" Sitting back on her throne, she smirks. "You will be rewarded."
Yep! I'm sold! "What is your command, thy mistress? Nukes? 'Cause I can't do nukes. I can do fists, though!"
"Fufufu…" She looks really smug about this. "I'll simply need information from you. And…" Her brows furrow. "Hmm. I neglect why I've never decided to feed on your blood."
I do. You said it tasted like potato chips.
"You reported that it tasted of 'junk food'." Sakuya voices for the both of us. "I had it recorded, as you requested." Wait, what? Yo~...
"Ah." Remilia snorted. "I remember, now. I'll pretty much never be in the mood for that. But…" Scarlet eyes lock onto me. "Maybe once or twice. Depending."
Not sure how to feel about that! It's a good thing she's a light drinker, though. I'm pretty sure Flandre's like, not a light drinker, though.
"I'll think on it. This meeting is over." Remilia leans in her chair, resting her head on one of her arms.
Sakuya vanishes immediately, while the fairies lazily go about leaving the room. Komi is still in that chair, spacing out…
I think I'll space out, too! Aa~h...
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
END OF CHAPTER 41
PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Fairy Slayer, Accidental Human Slayer, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Village Liberator, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine, Sky Climber, Amateur Espionage Practitioner, Illegal Fairy Harborer, Holder of Too Many Titles.
PRIMARY WEAPON: Tundra Bloomer - A earth-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock; has a flower curved around the hilt. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. Allows casting of Gaia Seed. Casts Tundra, a weak spike of ice!
INVENTORY:
Youkai Inconveniencer - Apparently a semi-crux to youkai and undead via a holy spell and being naturally strong against them, but it doesn't sound particularly efficient. Most respectable youkai seem to only be momentarily stunned, and anything without visual receptors or possibly a pair of sunglasses would probably be immune. Acts as a flashlight via candles. Converted to a flail with cross necklaces! Can cast Shine.
Swift Brand - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can create small compressed air blasts. By the addition of a steel block, it gained enhanced striking power and weight, along with increased ability to channel magic into any sort of special effects it has.
Flame Salvo - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Enchanted to have an incendiary effect upon sufficient striking force, or sufficient velocity. Good for burning stuff and people! Boosts fire abilities, allows physical strikes to do fire damage. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Has a flamethrower nozzle. Can cast Fume, has Flamethrower Plus!
Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.
Deep Blue- A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Enchanted to constantly produce fresh water. Boosts abilities of water-based attacks and allows physical attacks to deal water damage. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...
Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.
Sharper Than Darkness- A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon style, with increased bleeding but fighting power being the main attributes. Can cast Revenge, a dark spell which has more extreme proportions of the weapon's innate attributes. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to give it an extra deadly edge in combat.
Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.
The Escape Plan - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, and a gift from Flandre Scarlet. Has an obsolete map out of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Has various negatives mentioned in earlier inventory summarizations…
Market Gardener - Critical hits during blast jumps! Otherwise, it's just a normal, old plant hanger. Named after a very similar shovel…!
Holy Talismans - Provides a holy upgrade and elemental shift to a weapon of choice!
Electric Talismans - Provides an electric upgrade and elemental shift to a weapon of choice!
NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please.
NERF longsword - 'CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals'… you know what that means!
Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! 75% time resistance on equip. Voice, face, and height specifications not included!
Monk Robes - Wear to become a Buddhist! Actually pretty comfy…!
Butterfly Dream Pills - Makes you dream of being a beautiful butterfly!... now, if only there was a pill for lucid or wet dreams, and then I'd consider Yagokoro the doctor to end all doctors!
Remilia Scarlet Disguise - Wearing this as a tall manchild's probably not doing anyone with eyes any favors. Has resistances of sorts, but I'm not in a big fat hurry to find out…
A Wiffle Duster - For shoving up people's rectums.
PARTY:
London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks of both the magical and physical variety. Gets a lance, and can shoot danmaku. Has a variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has a mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly.
PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. London shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.
ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:
this chapter took LONGER THAN IT SHOULD HAVE.
by a LOT, but aside from my general slowness sometimes, the following big things occurred to disrupt the flow of nuggets:
i've started COOL LEG (which happens to be QUITE INTENSIVE FROM THE GATE, lemme tell you…)
my proofreader spent an immense amount of time debating with me over the kind of characters people like, and the kind of content people want to see. i wanna try and get the lowdown from you guys, do characters who "get beat up all the time" have no appeal to you? are character flaws good, or bad things? i already have my own resolves about these questions, but i'm apparently being judged as not knowing anything about what you guys want, so FEEDBACK WELCOMED
he also said balancing is worth less than progress in a story; is this true, in your opinion?
also "comedy doesn't add anything"; lemme ask you guys why you're ALL HERE...
(you're not obligated to answer anything; sorry if they seem like HOMEWORK QUESTIONS XD)
ANYWAY…
this chapter was marginally more serious than others! blame ACTUAL DEATH and HUMAN VILLAGE.
i wanna capture just how tragic even the death of one you dunno can be, because to someone else that's like world shattering, and even without anyone who has a world to shatter… i'd rather PAINT THIS POINT than dryly explain it, and i hope you guys've seen some of that in previous chapters
just a heads up, plannin' on endin' this all at either 1 M words or 100 chapters, whichever comes first; afterwards i'm thinkin' of writin a ACTUAL BOOK, and doin' the free AMAZON KINDLE publishing
am i FULL OF MYSELF or should i CONSIDER THAT…
thank you all very much for reading this far, and please, gimme some feedback on anything you please (even if you were that one guy who accused me of ripping "touhou reimu dubs" months ago)
as always, see you all next time!
