(in which we ride a roomba faster than light)

"...Now, when it comes to handling fairy dust," Eirin begins, "one must keep a cautious mind when moving the bag. Any sudden motions will dissipate a fraction of it into particles in the air."

Ho~h, shit…!

"For this reason, I encourage you to, simply…" She pulls out a large container. "I've made this specifically for doing fairy dust related operations, as it's fairly cumbersome otherwise. Larger parts can be enchanted in this chamber, and it has options for enchanting blades."

Y'know… "Why do ya have so much fairy dust related stuff?"

Eirin gave a tilted smile. "Tried to corner the market. Turns out there wasn't a market. No harm done, overall."

Pffft.

I take out Swift Brand. I desire for this to be enchanted!

Eirin's stare was dry. "...You want that enchanted?"

She receives a grin. "Ye, ye. Ye. It's my weapon, yo."

...Sighing, she shrugs. "If that's what you really want."

I hand her the hanger when she gestures for it, and she places it in the container. It was like a large cooking pot with a glass dome lid. Swiftly, she poured the fairy dust inside, and slid the lid over it before the dust could escape.

"There." She relaxed. "Were it a dagger or other smaller arms, I'd be able to simply stick it in the bag. A plant hanger is just a tad bulky."

Hyonk.

...She presses a button on the side, and with a loud, vacuum-esque noise, the fairy dust seems to solidify on the hanger.

"...There's physics to how fairy dust works." Eirin states. "I'll just say that its properties of matter are very different than what you're likely used to in outside schools."

...Y'sayin' I'm stoopid?

...After a moment, she presses the button again.

CLANG

The hanger bounces around the inside of the container. Brilliant yellow sparkles shine on the inside, only traces of purple left in the container.

"It is now safe to open." Eirin provides. "Opening it early would only be safe if you ran in the other direction, and left it alone for thirty minutes. The fairy dust would have to adequately dissipate, otherwise you'd suffocate."

...Oof. Actually… "Why does the fairy dust suffocate people?" Stupid question, I suppose, but-

"The mana serves to irritate those of lower magical prowess. It's a survival feature that's supposed to keep fairies from being eaten whole, I assume by immense youkai. We don't have many like that anymore." Eirin summarizes. "Someone like me is immune to the effects. Mages and youkai with magical affinities will likely have varying levels of resistance. Humans are probably the most susceptible."

Good thing I'm human!

"...Anyway, here." She takes out Swift Brand, and hands it to me…

Cha~ching! "Yo, ho, ho!"

"...I will ask that you do something for me, however." Eirin amends.

Yo~u asshole.

She grins. "...Do not be upset, it is a simple task."

So says the founder of the lunarian society.

Eirin gives her instructions. "All I wish for you to do is act as morale."

...What does that mean?

"Understand?" She grins.

No. "No."

…"I mean I want you to go around and convince them to not fear death."

Well when you put it like that it sounds freakin' impossible.

"...What do you not understand?" Eirin looks annoyed. "I've heard you have a reputation for being amusing among the fodder. I had thought you'd make a good clown for them. Was I wrong?"

Well, no! But-

"Speak." Freakin'...!

"Kinda!" I object, freakin' puttin me on the spot. "I can try! I mean, making them not fear death seems a little steep for freakin' fairy dust!"

She snorts. "Oh. You objected to the wording. In that case, how about… 'make them happier about dying'?"

Who are you. It does sound better, though…

I nod, and she smiles. "Good, great. I'll give you a card incase they get any smart ideas. Do not get me wrong, seeing my rabbits perish is a tragedy, but with the adversities we are facing, it is inevitable."

You know, I don't think they'd like to hear you say that…

She hands me a card, and pats me on the shoulder. "You may do anything but have sex with them, if only because you'd not survive."

I don't wanna know…!

"Or kill them. Not that you could." Eirin keeps adding things. "Actually, just use common sense. I assume you didn't live this long without it."

Wouldn't be so sure 'bout that…!

She puts the pot on the counter aside us again. "You may leave. I have some cleaning up to do, here…"

Alright, yo.

I approach Ha-chan, who seems to have been ripping apart a napkin while we were busy enchanting Swift Brand. Actually…

Since Swift Brand got upgraded, I'm gonna need a new name for it! Yo ho ho!

"Let's skedaddle, Ha-chan." I gesture for her to follow!

"Yea~h!" She's eager to get goin'!

Let's see… a name for Swift Brand…

Fairy Brand, Swift Fairy… they both sound freakin' fun!

Actually, Fairy Brand gives me future ideas! I'm goin' with that.

Ha-chan latches onto my arm in the midst of the hallway, stopping my progress. "Huh?"

I look forward, and there's a fluffle there. Awwh.

It's not moving, and the legs underneath it are limp, as if it turned towards me without using them.

Oh, fuck, no. It's one of these bastards again…

It stares into my eyes. I stare back into the abyss.

"Br-Brad-kun…" Ha-chan hugs my arm.

I blink.

A piercing, loud note enters my ears.

;;;;;;;;;''''''''''''''''',.,.,.,.,.,.,.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

What the hell is that noise!?

I reach for my ears, and where the fuck am I?

Oh, shit, it's raining, too! Aah! Water bad for Brad!

As I try to run, I stop as the barrel of a rifle is pointed at my face.

"Freeze!"

Oh, trust me, I'm freezing. It's cold as balls out here!

I can't even see the lunar rabbit behind the gun, it's so dark out here.

"...Y-you?"

Is that Reisen? Where the hell am I!?

...Reisen pulls me closer, behind a tree trunk. "What are you doing out here?"

I shake my head. "I don't freakin'-"

"Get down!" Reisen shouts with more force than I thought possible from her, and she pushes me to the floor, diving with me. We both land in a wet puddle, mud clinging to our clothes.

Red, diamond-shaped bullets pause in the air over us.

Ti-ti-ting…

After a moment, they collide with the wood in front of us. I can see searing, red marks in the wood in front of us; they almost burned through.

More tings resonate, as the rainy sky above us fills with dim, stationary, red bullets.

The blue bullets of the lunarian plasma rifles soar into the sky. I see something grey in the sky brush by the gunfire, twirling through the air and into the darkness.

Man am I fucked out here!?

The red shots all travel instantly, colliding with the bamboo.

"Agh…!" I hear a rabbit cry out. "M-my…"

Reisen stays silent.

Suddenly, she jerks my head towards hers. "Look into my eyes. Everything will be a mess, but you'll be able to make me out in it. Follow me."

Holy shit, okay!

I stare into her glowing red eyes, and for a moment, I admire their beauty.

Probably longer than a moment. It looks like day time, now, and- holy shit…!

An explosion of colors floods my vision, making me dizzy. I forget if I'm standing or crouching…

I make out Reisen ahead of me, waving to me with a smile. Everything's a blur as I follow her, a whirlwind of trippy colors. Sometimes I see a brief image of her winking at me, or doing a cute gunhand pose or something…

Smells like flowers, too!

I leap over pits as bright blue diamond-shaped holy shit those are the red bullets soar past my figure.

The Reisen grabs my hand and jerks me along, pulling me out of the way of some of the bullets. I have no idea how long this lasts, but when it ends, I find myself on the floor of Eientei's lobby.

My ass hurts. Like, legit. Did I just get laid? What happened!?

"O-oh my god…" Cream-hair earth hare! How do you fare? "Are you okay!? Say something!"

"...O-ouch…" I'm in pa~in!

"D-don't worry…!" She begins hyperventilating. "I-I'll get someone! I will! I'll do it this time!"

Words that do not help in this exact situation!

She rushes to the phone, and picks it up, mashing random keys. "Hi-hi, hi! Help!"

Hoo~, boy…

"...Darn it!" She slammed it into the phone holding slot thing, and plucked it back out. "He-hello!? Hayakawa-san!? Ha-hayakawaha-sahaha~n…!" She began crying.

I might as freakin' well crawl to the E.R. at this point. "Get yourself together…" Assertive voices are hard from the floor. "Calm and shit…"

My words do something... "...A-ah, Ha-hakayawana-san?" ...but I don't know what.

"Ye-yes…" I try to stand and- ass! Ass! Pa~ins! Fu~ck that… "Ghh…"

...She dials numbers on the phone again.

"A-ah? Yes!? Is- are you Hayakawakaka-s-san!? Yes, em-emergency! Emergency!" Creamie reached her friend! She better hurry the fuck up!

This hurts!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I'm glad they brought a stretcher. I don't think I could've gotten to this bed otherwise…!

This orange-haired lunarian hovered over me- I was lying on my stomach, by the way. I had an ass problem. Her hair was all done up in buns! "Relax, hun. I'm gonna put you on some anesthetic, now."

If you balls it up and kill me with it, I'm gonna haunt your ass. "Mrhm..."

She attaches the mask to me…

Gettin' kinda diz-

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Aa~h…

Slowly opening my eyes, everything is blurry…

Oh, look. It's Eirin.

"...I see you managed to get yourself shot within ten seconds of leaving my office." She sighs. "If there was a record for that, I'm sure you'd have broken it. Did I not tell you to refrain from flirting with the rabbits?" I get reprimanded by the docta'.

"Haha." Ti~red… "I-I saw this fluffle, yo… It telemaported me outside, and then I got shot by those grey things, I think."

Eirin turned away from me. "Your posterior has been stitched up, by the way."

I assume my ass got blown off. Since I no longer feel it, I am fine with this development.

She begins walking out of the room. "I'll think up a suitable payment later. See to it that you attempt that morale boosting I asked of you."

Raising my hand to flick her off, she leaves before I can even contemplate whether or not that's a good idea.

Reluctantly, I clamber out of the bed, moving to the hallway door…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

That's it. Take two. Redo. I'm gonna kick some freakin' fluffle ass!

...But first, I'll need some of the big guns, yo~...

Stepping out of my surgery room, I find that it's literally a hop and a skip away from the front lobby.

In here, Mokou sat against the wall, bloodied and sad. Deep, red gashes line her figure as she leans against the wall, her eyes closed, portraying a solemn expression. Blood ran down her mouth, and uh…

"Wow." I state. She's dead. For now, anyway.

Eirin walks out from behind the counter, moving up to the immortal. She leaves a tray of various pills next to her, before moving towards the hallway ahead, leaving the immortal's corpse behind.

...I just kinda stare at Mokou.

I crack my knuckles, and look around the room…

Creamie's still at the desk, looking absolutely traumatized. "...Sh-she… she's dead…"

Oh no. "Rest in pieces." I nod slowly… "...Yo, broom closet. Where's one at?"

…Creamface's eyes close. "...Le-left."

Oof. I look to the left…

...I see the hallway I came from, and doors!

Guess we're doin' this the hard way, yo…

Dashing into the hallway, I keep running until a particularly large door crosses my vision… What's in here, yo?

Swinging the door open, I find…

Yo.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

"Hyo~nk, hyo~nk!"

Riding a large floor cleaner through the halls, I have my trusty Fairy Brand and Tundra Bloomer at my sides, tied on with apron strings I had amassed from the same broom closet this giant cleaner-mobile came from.

Actually, does this thing have a horn…? I press the center-

Hooo~nk!

Hell yeah!

...

I take out that card Eirin gave me. On closer inspection, this card reads 'Brad, Officer of Aesthetic Inter-Relations. Clearance Level A-S'.

Well, that's one letter away from being absolute irony. At least it doesn't hurt to sit! Eirin is good healer woman.

Vroo~m!

A door opens ahead, and I'm forced to swerve out of the way. A red-suit clad rabbit ran out, gaping at me. "Wh-what…!?"

I wave at her. "Signal next time, asshole!" Get owned, blondie!

Scowling, she draws two fingers, pointing them at me. "Imposter! Cease your misuse of that device!"

Sigh. Freakin' cops, yo.

Hopping off the device, I begin stepping towards her. She moves towards me, looking aggressive, but I hold my card up. "S'my ID, officer. I swear I'm not smuggling fluffles under the hood of my Roomba."

...Furrowing her brows, she looks at the card. Then, she rolls her eyes. "Oh, it's you."

Hehe~y!

"...I have my eye on you, loser." She sneers at me.

Aa~ww…

"...Are-are you crossdressing as Kaguya?" My state of dress is commented upon, and her sneer becomes more of a domineering grin.

I shake my head. "No, friend, I am Kaguya."

"Okay." With a sigh, she nods… "Okay, Kaguya. We're all about to die, and you're riding a floor cleaner. Please, tell me how you're going to fix all of this."

"By sitting on my ass, and playing video games!" I grin. "Ho ho!"

She snorts. "...You're not far from the truth, there."

Moving towards my trusty go kart roomba, I hop on, and pat the back. "Room for two, yo!"

"I need to organize my division." She counters, frowning. "If we're all going to die uselessly… I'd rather not feel like it's useless while I'm dying."

That gives me an idea…

But she can sit out, if she wants. "Alright, yo. I-..."

Hold the fuck up.

I see a fluffle. It swirls towards me, unblinking, its legs swerving limply underneath it.

No you fuckin' don't, son.

Unblinking myself, I act fast. Running towards towards the fluffle, my eyes burn from the unexpected withholding of my blinking in the bleak light, and I draw Fairy Brand. Clumsily freeing it from the string, I hit the fluffle.

Thunk!

Get owned!

Bludgeoning the tiny jerk, I beat it back into dust…

FwooWao~mp…

Once it dissipates into dust, I'm rendered gravityless for a moment.

...I do a little air-swim…!

Then it comes back in double.

Thud- Claaa~ng! That last one was the Roomba smashing into the floor, again...

"Ugh…" Blonde rabbit babe groans. "Why?"

Fluffles. That's why.

...Struggling to lift my face from the floor, I climb back into an upright position, and trudge towards the cleaner…

Gravity returns to normal, and I move too fast accidentally, slamming my face into the side of the Roomba instead. "...Mmph." I eat Roomba metal.

"Get the immortal, and leave." The rabbit girl sees me off, walking back towards her room. "You'll die here."

Now that's just askin' me to do something! I mean, sure, asshole snipers, but freakin'... I feel like there's some way out of this! That doesn't involve me riding a Roomba off into the distance…

Guess I just gotta keep drivin' for now, yo…

I hop back onto the Roomba.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: BATTLE FOR THE BUNNIES ====

Using the clearance card, and one of the pens I amassed from hell knows where, I make a crudely drawn map of the halls I've been to so far…

No idea what the boundaries of this place are, or if the map helps… but y'know. Feels good, yo.

However, I've made a mark where 'blonde serious bunny' lives, just incase. I've got a bad feelin' about this whole situation.

Leaving a polished floor behind me, I pilot my Rooma into the depths of Eientei's bleakly lit hospital halls…

That's when the power goes out. Why wouldn't it?

...This is shit.

Taking the left turn ahead, 'cause why not, I just keep drivin'...

From my last visits to Eientei, I remember lunar and Earth rabbits alike moving through these halls. Even now, there's not a soul. I mean, this place never had Scarlet Devil Mansion levels of density, but… yo.

Time to hop off, and look through some doors!

I'd use Youkai Inconveniencer, but I wanna conserve mana, fer now… and the halls still have a faint tinge of light to them, weirdly. That, or there's a light somewhere contaminating the darkness of the halls. Some of these doors are lit, so that's not impossible.

Opening the first door… darkness! Cool, great, I'll just see myself-

Stuff clatters inside.

"honh honh"

Savages.

Cautiously, I decide to draw Youkai Inconveniencer anyway, and activate the flashlight function…

Ahead of me, a fluffle scurries into the light, flops around, and then scurries back out.

Freakin' dust mites!

...Panning the light around, I see some very conveniently placed metal and crap in the middle of the room, fluffles crawling on it. Odd, wire-esque metal bar formations are being tinkered with…

I move to step in-

"Don't."

Holy shit!

Whirling around, I almost blindside a freakin' tall, green-haired bunny girl! She leaps back, eyes wide. "Ka-Kaguya-sama!?"

She's also got twin-tails… and makes a gun shape with her hand. Woah no! "Yo! Clearance level A-S, brother!"

She relaxes. "Wh-what are you doing here…?"

What the frik. Do they just know?

"I ain't afraid of no fluffs." I boldly declare to her!

...She sighs. "...If Kaguya-sama can't do anything about this, I'm pretty sure you can't. Th-thanks, though..."

Pffft. "Hop aboard my Roomba, yo. I named it the…" I need a good name for it!

...Daa~h…

"...Still need a good name!" I decide.

"Alright." Pressing her fingers together, she moves around the side… "Most of my squad's out on patrol. I'm here because…" Grimacing, she lifts her shirt slightly, to reveal red bandages. "...I can still escort you out."

Escort? Screw that, yo, screw that. "Don't worry, yo. I'll escort you."

My declaration is dismissed. "...If you want to look at it like that."

Freakin'...

I hop on the Roomba, and pat the back. "Hop on, friend."

Gladly complying, she politely holds only the sides of my waist. Which, y'know, good enough for me… that, and I don't think a giant Roomba's gonna be doin' no drifts any time soon.

Oh, yeah. I never got this, either… "What's your name?" How awkward!

"...Furuta." She fidgets. "...I'm just a private. Th-there's not a lot I can do… but getting you out will be one of them!"

Oh, yeah! The fluffle room! I almost forgot about it… but she told me not to go in. I think I won't, then.

"Ya got any more squad mates down here?" I ask her. It'd be nice to know, 'cause yeah.

She shakes her head.

"Why are the lights on, wit' no power?" I realize.

...Furuta doesn't respond, just staring at me. "Don't open them. Whatever you do."

...O~kay.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: BATTLE FOR THE BUNNIES ====

These empty hallways are actually kinda neat! I can like, swe~rve…!

Swe~rve…!

Swe~-

"Please, cut that out…"

Furuta, you're no fun.

Bam!

We drive into the wall because I wasn't payin' attention…

"Eep!" Furuta clings to me. Ooo~!

...After a moment, she shifts back into a more polite stance. "Genuinely…"

Honh, honh, honh.

Anywa~y…

Yo yo yo, there's another big door here! I hop off of the Roomba, and shawi~ng it open…!

Inside, there is no additional Roomba. There is, however, a spinny chair.

Lugging the spinny chair outside, I drag it towards the Roomba…

Furuta stares at me vainly. "...We need to move. We can't waste time!"

You're not wrong, bu~t… "I've gots a good way for us to track our progress, yo!"

...Her brow raises.

"Hop off for a sec, yo." It is time to craft!

With numerous strained motions, I place the spinny chair onto the Roomba. Utilizing Flame Salvo, I manage to give each chair leg small taps so that the plastic'd melt a bit. Like this, the chair was attached to the top!

...Furuta gives a deep sigh, rubbing her face with her hands. Her disappointment is palpable.

Standing on top of the Roomba, I proceed to place Deep Blue on the top of the spinny chair, using the crappy belt that was on it to strap it into place. It was one of those weird secure spinny chairs… Are those even normal things? Freakin'... I dunno.

I turn the valve on max.

Sprtzzz~!

The hose blast of water makes the chair begin spinning, and I'm forced to duck and slide off the Roomba to avoid being splooshed.

Furuta can do little but gape.

"Jesus fuck." I grin widely. "It's a windmill, dude!"

"That is not a windmill!" Furuta yells back. "That's not anything!"

Hopping onto the Roomba, I pat the spot behind me. "Get on, yo! If we move fast enough, we won't get wet!"

...Conflicted, Furuta decides to hop on. "Those dusty… things will find us in no time like this! You're killing us!"

How.

Ignoring her, I keep driving forward!

"...Idiot!" She voices her rage!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: BATTLE FOR THE BUNNIES ====

Finding rabbits got a lot easier when I began flooding the shit out of the place.

Earth rabbits with a variety of hair colors came out of the freakin woodwork, and now I've got like six of them trailing behind me with various debris as umbrellas.

Smash!

A random vase was knocked over by my Roomba's water jet. Paintings fell when struck, and occasional doors were pushed open, when they were open.

Smash!

Dude! The Roomba's driving over the vase fragments! Cru~nch…!

"I want off." Furuta objects to these practices.

I turn to her partially, grinning. "I want it on, yo. I want it on like Donkey Kong! Ooh, ooh, aah, aah!"

...Furuta chuckles incredulously. "I-I'm so going to die…"

Taking a left turn, we wind up in a familiar hall…!

The doors are all fully lit, and this hall vaguely has lighting, apparently! Only the lights around Kaguya's room, anyway…

More crap shatters around me, causing familiar faces to emerge from some doors.

"What is this…!?" Sakura, the red-clad, grey-haired bunny stares at us with her jaw dropped.

"It's god's own anti-son-of-a-bitch machine!" Yo ho ho! "I'm here to wake up sleepin' beauty with a punch to the kisser!"

Sakura's expression doesn't change.

As fun as that name is, that will not be the final name for the mighty Roomba of destiny. I don't think, anyway...

Hopping off of it, Furuta is left to her devices on the only dry spot in her vicinity, while I stomp through the puddles to-

Gaa~h! The water hit me in the back! Shit!

Soggily, I open Kaguya's door…

It swings open.

...Kaguya is sitting at a kotatsu, watching the rain. She yawns, before turning to me. "...What the fuck?"

"Ooga booga booga!" I rouse her attention! "Getcha lazy ass up, this ain't no… Princess and the Pea shit! We're under siege!"

My call to arms rattles Kaguya more than it does call her to arms. "What!?"

"Burglars!" I insist! "Bungaloes! Freakin'... Hwachas! They got CMP-one fifties!"

...She flips the kotatsu top over, and rushes towards her couch. Reaching under it, she pulls out two lunarian plasma rifles, and frowns. "Why doesn't anyone tell me about these things!?"

Yo ho ho~!

"Where are they?" Kaguya questions as she heads for the door. Once she's in the door frame-

Splash!

The spinning water tempest of mine splashes her.

She aims her rifles at it.

"Don't shoot it, friend!" I stop her. "That's a weapon of ours!"

"How is that a fucking we-... You know what? I don't wanna know." Kaguya sighs. "Just take me to the action. I'll clean this all up myself."

She steps outside, only to be greeted by Furuta and Sakura. The former looks like she's about to cry from excitement. "O-ohmygod, ohmygod, miss Kaguya-sama~!"

Sakura bows. "Kaguya-sama."

"I know, I know." Kaguya hops onto the Roomba. Then, she notes the Earth rabbits. "What are these assholes doing here?"

...The rabbits quickly dissipate, put off by the fact Kaguya was holding dual plasma rifles.

"They were just taking baths…" I defend the fluffy bunnies.

"Yeah, well, they'll be cleaning the baths if they don't scram." Kaguya exemplifies that she is still, infact, a princess. "Little runts're only good scrappers on their own terms. Otherwise, it's a threeway free for all. Dumbasses."

Hyonk. "...I shall drive the Roomba, yo."

Kaguya sticks her middle finger at me. "No, you'll aim the retarded water cannon. You guys…" She takes her plasma rifles, and tosses them to the two rabbits.

Sakura objects. "Kaguya-sama, I already-"

"Dual wield." Kaguya rolls her eyes. "Who're we fighting? Mokou brought friends, or what?"

"Flu-fluffles…" Furuta meekly contributes.

"Are you fucking joking with me?" Kaguya seethed. "I thought that ended a week ago! Have you all had your hands up your asses the entire time!?"

Furuta shrunk back from Kaguya's rage. "I-I'm sorry…!"

Sakura rose a brow. "...I did not know we were under attack, again. We were ordered vigilance, but that was all."

...I nod. "Yeah, I saw the mooks. They're, uh… burly."

Kaguya turns to me. "They're fluffles, pussy."

Yo! "They like, got lasers!"

...Kaguya grins. "We've got lasers."

She don't get it, yo… but I guess we'll find out just how good they are in hallways. Considering Mokou was dead, I dunno if having just Kaguya with guns around is enough.

The Roomba begins moving. I hop up to the seat-

Splash!

Just in time to meet the water, yeah, yeah...! I grab the spinny seat, ready to aim it and stuff. The armed rabbits hop onto the Roomba's side, guns propped to defend the flank.

"The power's out, huh?" Kaguya observed. "Guess my backup generator works…"

Freakin' backup power, yo. Even better than a surge protector!

"Our communications tower is down." Sakura informs us. "All of our walkie-talkies were scrambled."

"Obviously not a good reason to go out and do something." Kaguya continued complaining. "Why would you?"

...Sakura sighed. "Reisen and her elites recently left to see to it. They've not arrived back yet, from what I'm aware."

We come to a decision! ...A hallway decision!

"Again, where?" Kaguya impatiently demands.

...Actually, we should check up on that blonde rabbit! "Thatta way, yo!" I point where I think leads to the rabbit.

She makes the turn. "Good. Glad that was easy."

Ho ho…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: BATTLE FOR THE RABBITS ====

We pass the hall where Furuta came from, driving on a straight course towards blondie's abode…

Ting!

A single, red bullet zips in front of us, and hangs in the air.

Uh oh.

I spray water at it, but it doesn't seem to do anything. Kaguya leers up at it. "...That's it?"

It then zips towards her.

"Ghuh!?" She jerks back and hits the spinny seat. The bullet passes straight through her and burns into the Roomba below, a stream of scorched blood following it out. "Fu-fuck…!"

Furuta blanches, rushing to her side. "Ka-Kaguya-sama!? Kaguya-sama!"

Kaguya is frustrated by her care, however. "Ge-get off me, idiot! Where'd th-that shot come from…?" Kaguya holds onto her wound from the stomach, not noticing her blood pouring out from behind, onto the Roomba's cracked plastic exterior.

Quickly, I begin scanning the hall. Beside us is a dark bathroom- as indicated by the two figures with and without a skirt. More dark doors surround us, closed.

I'm willing to take my chances with the bathroom!

Ting! Ting!

Really willing!

"Everyone!" I abandon station, for now! "Here!"

Sakura and Furuta notice my direction, and begin moving towards the bathroom as well, firing suppressively into the darkness where the red bullets came from.

"Where are you going!?" Kaguya barks at us. "Get back-"

The bullets zip into her.

Blood spatters the side of the Roomba, unhealthy chunks sliding off it in places…

Eugh!

"A-achk…" Kaguya slides off the side of the Roomba, faceplanting on the floor. "He-hell…"

Thoroughly persuaded, Kaguya shambles along to join us, leaving a bloody trail on the floor as her three new gut wounds bleed everywhere. Her first one seems to have mostly closed up, though… That regen, dude.

The bathroom was darker than the hallways. Sakura took out a flashlight, and flipped it on. About time one of us was equipped for this situation!

Of the three mirrors in here, one is shattered, scorch marks lining the wall where it should have been. Stall dividers were scattered on the floor uselessly, and one of the toilets was broken, a fountain of water coming out of it.

"They broke the toilets." I'm at a loss, yo…

Kaguya let out a hoarse cough. "Kaugh, kaugh, kaaa~kh!" Lurching over, she threw up a plop of blood. "Guaagh…!"

I step back from it. Furuta looks petrified. "O-...Ka-...Kaguya-sama…?"

...I wanna say 'there was a sink right there', but that comment might not be appreciated right now!

Sakura goes further, nudging some of the stall dividers out of the way… Then, she freezes. "A-ah, Nozomi! Nozomi-chan!?"

She slides the dividers off of the rest of the unknown girl. I go up next ta her to stare down at it…

"..." Sakura simply stares down with wide eyes. Underneath the dividers, a lunar rabbit girl with short blue hair laid with her eyes closed. Her body was virtually untouched- scuffed in a few places from the dividers, dusty from the floor, but otherwise just fine.

Except there was a gash in her throat, a hole going straight through, pooled up with blood. Dark, red blood sat under her form, something I almost missed, somehow, until I looked harder.

"...No-Nozomi…" Sakura kneeled, tears streaming down her cheeks.

Furuta came to our side… "O-oh, no…"

...Damn.

...Furuta turned to Sakura. "...Did...did you know her?"

Sakura looked up at her, eyes full of tears and nose running. "I-I, she…"

...Kaguya leaned on the sink behind us, scowling as she watched the rabbits mourn, her wounds healing.

I have a feeling things just got personal.

Something slid in the wall, through the wall.

We all turn when the sliding sound is heard, only to see something long and grey phasing through the wall's material itself. It reveals itself once more, poking its face out of the wall, along with some of its… its…

What the hell.

A fluffy face stared at us, surrounded by grey fabric of some description. Two long, fern-esque strands of rubbery, silky cloth ran down the side of the fluffle, a long, corset-esque torso piece holding the fluffle itself.

"Shewshewrerwrer!" The fluffle makes that kinda noise that's made when you scratch one of those cheap raincoats. It makes my freakin' skin crawl.

Ting!

The red bullet stops in front of my face.

Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope!

Fumbling for something, anything, I grab shit off the sink- bottles, crap, and then the mirror itself-

I can hold this!

Better fuckin' work!

I slide the mirror in front of myself. Sakura fired at the fluffle with her plasma rifle, but it slid out of the wall, and into the floor, avoiding every shot.

The red bullet zips into the mirror-

Ting!

It rebounds off, soaring into the ceiling.

Kaguya moves up, and takes the second mirror. "Don't mind if I do."

"Wh-what was that...?" Furuta stammers, holding her gun weakly…

Sakura glares at the floor, still crying.

...

"It was a fluffle." I state plainly. "It had the face."

...Kaguya shook her head, smirking as she left the bathroom with her new mirror shield. "Can't believe this…"

With little further discussion, we followed her out, staring at the dark hall ahead…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: EIENTEI'S LAST STAND ====

I gots this feeling that I'm in over my head here.

The dark, silent hallway ahead has been both dark and silent for the past ten minutes as we drove down it. Doors previously lit are now dark.

Ti~ng!

The rabbits and I hide behind our mirror shield, while Kaguya hides behind hers.

The bullet collides with ours, and bounces back down the hall, illuminating the darkness with a dim, red glow. We see it return to sender.

What sounds like a splashing sound- not the one from Deep Blue- emanates down the hallway.

"Waaa~l!"

Leaping from behind my shield, the rabbits fire forward into the darkness. A fluffle crawled from useless grey fabric ahead, but was soon vaporized by the torrent of plasma bullets that came for it.

"...Ha!" Kaguya stuck her middle finger up at the darkness. "Fuck you!"

Small victories!

Screams are made audible from a room along the hall's side.

Sakura launches herself into action immediately, practically flinging herself at the door-

Bam!

Whelp, she up and bashed it open.

Inside, lunar rabbits with flashlights were firing into the darkness of the room wildly.

Ti-Ti-Ting!

I pressed in with my mirror shield, Furuta grouping up behind me. Sakura fell back behind the shield, as well.

...Ting!

Only one came for us, and it was sent back.

"Aaugh!"

"Ghuhk…" Thud.

Sakura and Furuta left the shield, firing into the darkness and lighting up the room further. I stared over my mirror shield…

One of the fern-like fluffle assassins floated towards a long, red-haired rabbit girl. She took a grenade from her belt, pushing a button on it, before tossing it forward towards it. It slid under it, and suddenly attacked with its fern appendages.

Shink! Shink! Shink!

Like blades, yet still like cloth, they cleaved through her form, turning her into a red mess of numerous parts.

"Aaaaa~h!"

The blonde rabbit screamed, firing at the fluffle. It was caught unawares after its attack, and was blown away easily by the plasma bolts. The fluffle inside the fabric flailed once it was knocked free, but it only had a split second to do so before it was massacred, reduced to dust.

The remaining assassin phased through the ceiling, vanishing.

"Arai…" Sakura speaks out. "Are… are you okay?"

"...N-no." Arai states bluntly. "My- my squad… They took my squad…"

...Sakura kneels beside her, and Furuta slowly steps up to her.

"...Fu-...Furuta?" Arai bleakly stares up at her. "...Yo-you're alive…"

"It-it's going to be okay, Arai…" Furuta hugs her. "We-we'll get out of this!"

Well. Eirin told me to be morale.

Forcing a smile, I stand before the rabbits. "...We're gettin' outta here. And when we do, we're rounding up some friends, comin' back here, and kickin' some serious ass!"

...Arai scowls at me. "...Of-of course. Of course a pervert like you would survive… bu-but my squad doesn't. Of course!"

Oof.

Okay, bein' morale's harder than I thought!

The other rabbits say nothing. I dunno what to say in response, to somethin' like that. I don't think I should.

...I leave the room.

Outside, Kaguya grins at me. "Good job."

Yeah, yeah. I don't have the energy to retort, yo…

...Arai comes out to join us-

Splash!

The rabbits get caught by Deep Blue as they exit the room.

I can't help but grin.

"...What the fuck." Arai stares down at her suit.

Hyonk, hyonk, hyonk!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: EIENTEI'S LAST STAND ====

It's getting intense, here…!

The three rabbits and I all stood side by side, forming a wall with mirrors of varied sizes. Kaguya had her own on her forearm, ready to block at a moment's notice…

Ti-ti-ti-ti-ti~ng!

A barrage of lasers were thrown ahead of us.

…Ti-ti-ti-ti-ti~ng!

They went back home.

...A few fluffles fell before us, and Kaguya drilled into them with scattered plasma shots.

"Dumbasses." She grunted.

...Cra~ck!

We're getting closer to the front lobby, if my map is right. The ceiling shattered before us, fragments of burning rubbish and furniture collapsing before us.

"Damn it…" Kaguya got up from her seat, and manned the squirt cannon. With it, she doused the flames…

Ti-ti-ti-ti-ti-ti~ng!

The rabbits jumped, whirling around to guard against the wall of red lasers. It's nice that they stop mid-air for us to block them! Kaguya leaned from her turret, guarding...

...Ti-ti-ti-ti-ti-ti~ng!

Fluffles dropped to the floor, and were eviscerated.

"If it didn't work the first time…" Kaguya muttered, finishing up with the flaming hall section.

BOOM

Holy shit!

One of the piston-like machines from before slammed down, shaking the entire hall. Flames whirled around it as it began slowly walking out of the way, each leg creating a large shockwave as it gently stepped down, the pistons inside the tube-like legs being used to amplify the impact.

"Hraaa~h!"

Mokou dove from a tornado of fire above, coming down on the piston machine- entire body engulfed in flames with two long, burning wings behind her.

Bam! Bam! Bam!

She threw fireballs at the top of the piston machine. It seemed to work, because each limb began falling from the machine individually, the pistons inside slowing and stopping…

The ground shook as they fell.

Kaguya grunted in annoyance. "So much fire! Mokou, you dumbass! You're the only one here who's flame retarded!"

...Mokou glances down at us, sticks up her middle finger-

BOOM

A piston machine came from above, slamming Mokou out of the air. There was no blood to be found underneath the machine, or even a corpse. Flames licked the underside of the steel, before dying down…

Rip Mokou, again.

...Arrows of light flew in from above, landing atop the piston machine.

"Hi-Hi-Hi~!"

Boom, boom, boom!

...This piston machine fell apart similarly.

Eirin floated over us, loading her bow with cartoonish, yellow arrows. Spinning around, she noticed us…

"...Pr-princess?" Her eyes widened, floating down to greet us. "Was your room besieged?"

Kaguya grinned. "Probably. Why the fuck didn't you tell me about this?"

Eirin sighed. "It is not your place to fight in-"

Raising a hand, Kaguya mocked her. "'It is nawt your playce to fight in blah blah blah'... Okay, sure. Whatever. Now that I'm here, cover me, okay?"

"...You must flee." Eirin tells her. "You're in danger, here."

"I'm immortal, dumbass!" Kaguya yells back.

Ti-ti-ti-ti-ti-ti~ng…!

...We're faced with a barrage of red laser shots from ahead. The rabbits and I all raise our shields pre-emptively…

Kaguya holds her arms out. "Power of time…"

Eirin's eyes widen. "Princess, don't!"

"Series of Eternity, cast to the past!" Kaguya begins glowing.

"I don't want to lose you!" Eirin kneeled before Kaguya. "Do not forsake my efforts! Pr-princess! Princess! Kaguya!"

Ti-ti-ti-ti-ti-ti~ng!

...Both sides.

"Aaaaa~h!" Furuta screamed.

Sakura's eyes were wide with disbelief.

"And all of time shall stop!"

Magical prisms float around Kaguya, and she glows a pure, faint blue color. Then, a field of energy expands around her, inverting the color of everything it passes.

"Wait…" Kaguya whirled around. "The fuck?"

...I lower my mirror shield. Everything has gone still.

Her eyes widen, and she turns to me. "...What. Have you done?"

Uh…?

I grin sheepishly…?

...She stares at my clothes. "...Of course. Time-resistant. You smartass piece of shit."

What'd I do!?

...Sighing, Kaguya turns around, and stares at the still Eirin. The doctor's eyes are red, and she looks like she's about to cry.

"Geez." Kaguya awkwardly shifts around. "I didn't even leap back. Why's she so upset…?"

I'd like a question answered. "...What didja intend to do?"

Kaguya turned to me. "...Abandon you all to hop back in time a bit and kill the fluffles. So that none of this shit could ever happen."

...I nod slowly. "You have actual time powers?"

...She shrugs. "They're stupid to use. Hopping back like, a day, is the only thing I can do without preparation. Two days? Wouldn't even be fuckin' worth it, then. It'd take two days to prepare to jump back two days."

"You can stop time?" I question.

She huffs. "What's with all the questions? Yeah, yeah I can. I gotta do that stupid chant though, and that wasn't even the right chant. The real one's like, a poem. I mean, don't get me wrong, I like poetry, but reciting that anywhere's just asking to get whacked by some cheeky asshat."

...Yeah, I think I agree with that. "I was gonna say, yo… If ya could just stop time at will-"

"I don't like seeing my rabbits die." Kaguya frowns. "...This is so fucking stupid."

I dunno why Eirin was so scared of Kaguya jumping back, but she managed to not jump back. Now, time seems to be stopped…

...Kaguya begins walking off. "C'mere. If we don't resume at the same time, you'll be stuck in time land forever."

Well, then…!

We walk into the main lobby, stepping through the flames harmlessly, as they were still and cold.

"What about the bunnies, yo?" I'd like for them to not die.

Kaguya pauses. "Oh, right. Ugh…"

We turn around, and return to them.

"Let's go find some mirrors." Kaguya states. "This is gonna take awhile, just so you know."

Your attitude sends conflicting messages, friend.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: EIENTEI'S LAST STAND ====

Flashlights do not work in timeout mode. That's some bull, yo…

"...So." Kaguya plucked a mirror off the wall.

"So." I plucked one off. We put them onto a pile of mirrors we had.

"Why'd you come today?" Kaguya asks me.

Hmm~... "I was told to find information on the fluffles, friend."

Kaguya snorts. "Mission fucking accomplished."

Hyonk.

After we round up all the mirrors, it was time to position them.

"Check out how convoluted it is to put something back in time after you freed it…" Kaguya smirks, raising the first mirror.

I remember Sakuya being able to do it instantly.

"...O' thy and sacred time." Kaguya spoke in a more formal, melodious voice. "By the parchments of years gone by dost this object dwell. O', thy and sacred time, accept this object as your own!"

The mirror glowed a bright blue, before freezing in place, propped to fall against the rabbit when time resumes.

"I have to do it for, like, these eight other mirrors." Kaguya tells me, grinning.

Pfffft…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: EIENTEI'S LAST STAND ====

We leave the front of the clinic, and leave into the rain, which is also freakin' still. We still collect every drop we pass through, though, so it kinda sucks anyway.

"Do you know the song of time?" I decide to question her.

"Yes." Kaguya smirks.

...I dunno if that was serious or not.

"...If you wanted a serious answer, no. I mean, I could play it, but nothing'll happen, because it's made up." She amends for me.

Daw…

...She seemed contemplative, though. "I could make a real, working ocarina that sent me back to the past… but that's so much work. That, and Eirin doesn't want me hopping around in the past. Considering the shit that happens in movies and games, I don't wanna do it much, either. Hell, even ancient Japanese crap was like 'time travel destroys reality'."

Honh.

"...If you ever become a shitty wizard, don't take up time magic. Trust me." Kaguya warns me. "It's crappy."

Duly noted!

We near Reisen's team. Reisen was kneeling with a sniper rifle in the brush, as what looked like that cream-haired rabbit before was trying to crawl away, her legs bent in awkward directions.

Numerous of Reisen's team members are nowhere to be found, and Reisen herself is a lot closer to the front lobby than she used to be. All I see on Reisen are cuts and scrapes, though.

Kaguya creates some basic spreads of slow, rainbow danmaku, simply to light up the area.

In the air, the stretchy, fern-like cloth forms of the assassin fluffles are still. Numerous red diamonds hang in the air in various places, light drowned out by rain density. Man, Kanako must have been pissed, to make it rain this hard.

We move through the woods. Kaguya almost trips on some fluffles that are having a frozen dust bath on the floor. "Wh-what the fuck…?"

Eaa~sy, there. D-don't say…swears.

...I leap over the adora-fluffs. They're all muddy, so ehn…

Pressing forward, we pass the bodies of dead lunar rabbits, some dead Earth rabbits. Hmm…

"I wanna see what the hell happened to the comm tower." Kaguya explains our path. "If anything, it gives us a good angle. Being behind the enemy generally helps, right?"

Aa~h… "Normally, yes, I believe. But, uh…" Fluffles are weird, and dusty.

We near the comm tower, I think. Kaguya stares up at the dark tower, which rises just beneath the bamboo trees around us.

"It's still standing?" Kaguya stared at it blankly. "Fuck." ...She doubled back, and took the walkie-talkie from a dead lunar rabbit, and tried to turn it on.

Static emanated from it. ",';.';,.';,. foolish disciple ;',.';,';';,.'; the time ,';.';,.';',;.';,.'; the world ',;.';,.';,.'; foolish ;',.';,.';,"

She turned it off. "Cool. We invented the internet."

Pffft... Kaguya, if I didn't commit to Patchy, you'd be my waifu. I mean, you're both virtually unobtainable anyway…! Patchy's got more good qualities in my opinion, though...

She sends a wave of danmaku up towards the side of the tower.

...Christ.

The comms tower was no longer of metal construction. Long tendrils of beige fabric ran up the sides, intertwining and twisting. The occasional, painted blue eye of a fluffle accented the tendrils. Shell noses, perpetual smiles at awkward angles, and at the top, a big tuft of long, stringy ragdoll hair.

Orange energy flowed from the top, only revealed when the danmaku neared. It didn't move at all because we were in time stop…

"...Holy fuck." Kaguya gapes. "The shit is this!?"

She turns on the walkie talkie, again.

";,.',;.';,.';closer,;.'',;.';,.';the time;',.';,;,.';disciple;,.';,.';,';.';,.greater;,.',.';,.';,.';,."

"Well, then." Kaguya nods at the tower, switching the walkie-talkie off. "Guess I found my target."

...Walking up to me, she grabs my shoulder. "I'm gonna unfreeze us. When I do, I want you to get the fuck out. Just run. No youkai'll be hanging around this shit, and if you do see any… well, run." She grins. "Just run."

Without my permission, she proceeds to unfreeze us. "...In accordance and celebration with the line of the living, time is to be kept sacred, to all those dear in the world. Return sacred time, to my embrace!"

We both glow brightly…

I feel rain violently pattering against my skin.

"Go!" Kaguya shouts. She flies up the side of the tower.

Into the maze woods I go! Go, go, go!

"Wa-Waaaa~l~l…" The tower moans, orange energy flowing from the top. At the very top, a large, orange ball begins to generate.

As I run, fluffles spawn from the mud and dirt all around me, meekly lunging for my legs as I sprint through the mud past them. With every step, I make a loud plop, splashing mud around.

"End of Imperishable Night!" Kaguya declares her spell card. "Rising World!"

A~nd I guess it's daytime, now!

Bright, sky-blue danmaku poured out from Kaguya, illuminating the entire forest, and the sky around. The clouds glowed a natural blue above, and the forest almost held the warmth of a sunny day. A wet, sunny day.

Her card transitioned through various colors and flares of heat and light, and I used the light to guide myself away from the fluffy mass. I just kept running in a straight line.

"Honh!"

Rising from the muddy floor, a human-sized being made of the grey fabric from earlier stood before me. Its head was a freakin' bucket.

Shink!

A thin, sharp blade slid from its arm. It proceeded to hold it like a sword, bringing its other arm over.

"Nope!" Not gonna play that game today! "No can do!"

Run, run, ru~n! I pull out Escape Plan and the Bawmber. This shit betta' get me outta these woods!

Jump, turn- that's a scary cloth man- and shwing!

Boom!

I belie~ve I can fly!

Wow, that's some air! I'll die if I fall the entire way…

Pocketing the Bawmber, I reach in and hastily jank out the Vortex Hanger part of my flail-o-copter. I don't have time to take the entire thing out, but…

I begin tapping the vortex hanger, creating small gusts of wind that rest my descent by fractions.

Tap! Woo~sh…

Tap! Woo~sh…

After awhile of that, my bum hits the ground. I am now cold, and wet, and sad.

I'm vaguely on the path to the village, now, I think. So~... I follow the path!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

As it turns out, this is not the path to the village… this was the path to the mountain.

I've got no freakin' clue where I am on it, either! The ground's steep, though, so… I'm on a mountain!

All I can do now is wander around aimlessly in the darkness, yo~...

"Human."

Hahaha~! Time to run, really fast!

"Hold, human."

...Mommy said never to talk to strangers!

Before me, a girl of water materialized. "Please, human, let me speak."

No! N. O!

I stare at the jiggling form of the water woman carefully, reaching for my sack just in case.

"...Are you lost, human?" She tilts her head.

...I mean, on the upside, she has bazonkas. That's the only upside here.

"...Have you lost your voice, human? Were you silenced by a powerful magi?"

I point at her. "...Why've you got boobs?"

"Do you not like them?" She inquires in an equally level voice. Her chest becomes flat. "Is this better?"

Thassa red flag right there! "Yeah, sure."

...The woman smiles. "I see. Hehehe~!"

Please do not giggle in front of me in the middle of a terrible rainstorm. I'm developing hypnothermia! It's worse than hypothermia because I just made it up!

"...If you are lost, human, would you allow me to guide you?" She holds out her watery hand. "I will take the very best care of you."

I take out the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber. "Hey, lady."

"Mmm?" She tilts her head.

"You wanna eat me, don'cha?"

...She frowns. "Heavens, no."

"I'm not buyin' it." I grin at her.

"...Fufufu~..." She gives like, a sigh and a laugh at the same time. "...I see. Drown in me."

Immediately, she hugs me, taking me inside of her watery body. When she slams the Bee-Sheventeen, though…

Boom!

Water splashes everywhere! "Motherfu- Kauf!" Water in my lungs! "G-get owned…!"

Run for the hills!

As I run, she materializes before me again. "Foolish mortal! In the rain, I am invincible!"

Time to experiment, then…!

I take out Flame Salvo, and channel mana into it.

Fwoo~sh…!

She dissipates into water to avoid the flames. Whelp, that don't work…

...Water starts crawling up my legs, so I just-

Boom!

Hahaha~! Boy, does that hurt!

The water splashes around my battered legs, swirling around…

Youkai Inconveniencer. Why the hell hadn't I thought of it before?

Brandishing the holy hanger, I hold it up high. "Die, monster! You don't belong in this world!" C'mon, channel mana, channel mana~...

"Fufufu~!" Her voice comes from all around me. "Come forth, waves!"

Fwaa~sh!

"Kya~h!?"

All of her water dissipates, and before me, a girl is thrown from the puddles. She has long, black hair, long-ass unmanaged nails, and she's naked.

"U-uuhh…" She groans from the floor.

...I carefully step around her, and begin running up the mountainside.

Okay, at this point it's more like a stifled hobble…

"...Mortal." I hear her voice boom from her fallen form, and she sinks back into the water. "I will make you know regret."

Chargin' another holy flash…!

...Her water swirls around me again.

Fwaa~sh!

"Kya~h!?"

She's thrown from the puddles immediately ahead of me, again.

Alright, enough 'a this! Pullin' out Flame Salvo, I take aim…

Fwoo~m!

"A-ah…?" Her eyes snap open. "Fi-fire!? Fire! I'm burning!"

Thrashing around in the puddles, she quickly manages to extinguish the flames.

Before she can do anything, I hobble up to her…

"Mortal." She announced again. I crouched and hit her in the thigh.

Fwoom!

"...Stu-stupid! Cut that out!" She weakly kicked a leg at me while tossing water on the flames.

"You cut it out!" I counter! "You're tryin'a munch me, dude! S'not cool!"

Danmaku begins to bombard us. Blue orbs from above!

"Oh, darn it! Darn it all!" The water woman retracts into her puddle. "These ignorant fairies always ruin my hunt…!"

On the upside, I am injured.

No, yo, I'm not goin' insane. It powers the Escape Plan! The very detailed strategy of advancing in the opposite direction…!

Sprint awa~y!

"...Huma~n!" The woman calls back to me.

Now it's just me, and the pitter patter of danmaku orbs.

"Halt."

And a sword. I just can't win today.

...I turn to stare at the tengu guardsman. He's not Momiji, obviously 'cause he's a he.

"You are intruding on tengu grounds, human." He glares at me. "You had better have a good reason."

...A danmaku orb beans him in the head. Noob.

Flinching, he turns to the fairies. "Hraa~gh!"

With a swipe of his sword, a gust of wind went to the sky.

Pi-Pi~chun!

"They got Aqua-chan!"

"No~!"

...The danmaku stopped.

...The tengu guard turns to me, scowling.

...I grin sheepishly. "Does running for my life count?"

"No."

...For real? S'everyone gotta be a political bastard?

"I've got a good reaso~n…"

Who want ta chew on my bones now!?

...Some lady in red ribbons spins towards us in the rain, somehow doing so through the muddy ground smoothly.

...Lowering his sword, the tengu guard seemed to ease up. "Kagiyama-sama, is this yours?"

"Ye~s…" She stops spinning, looking drunk when she stops. "He-he's my boyfriend…"

His head jerked back. "Wh-what?"

Whelp! I can't seem to tell what kinda youkai she is, but those fancy ribbons that seem to flow even when wet don't make me feel easy about her trying to encroach upon my wellbeing.

"Please let him go…" She pouts, her green eyes glowing in the dismal darkness of the rainy evening.

...The tengu guard looks extremely awkward. "...Ve-very well, Kagiyama-sama. Keep a leash on your priest, alright?"

...What the hell kinda euphemism is that!? Keep a leash on your priest!?

"Ye~s…" She idly waves the tengu guard away, before latching to my arm. "O-oh, you're… so-so cold. Follow m-me…"

She shivers herself as she leads me along through the darkness, away from the tengu. She doesn't feel that much warmer herself…!

I nearly proceed to slip onto my ass, but she reacts quickly to keep me from falling. "So-sorry…!" She stammers.

...Sorry? For savin' me? Didja cause me to slip? I don't think she used it right…

We continue through the muddy, wet woods. We pass under some trees, where heavier water drops bombard us…

"So, where're ya takin' me to get munched on?" I ask idly. I'm hoping it's a warm cave or something, so I can beat her up and use it for my own purposes.

She seems surprised. "Wh-what?"

"Yer gonna munch on me, right?" I grin as best I can when my face is like, stiff from the cold. Seriously, I'm glad it's not windy.

...Promptly, a harsh wind comes in from beyond the trees, with enough power to splash all the water off the leaves above and drench me.

"Fu-fuck…" I hug myself. I'm probably going to die of hypothermia before anyone can even eat me!

"I-I'm so sorry!" She does indeed look sorrowful. "We-we're almost there…"

You better have discovered fire, youkai-lady, or you will be the fire, your life be damned.

Eventually, we come to a clearing in the woods, where a tiny house rests.

Huh.

Moving faster, the ribbon lady leads us to the door, and opens it.

Inside, there's a cozy fire in the fire place, and some bland green chairs and couches. In the corner of the room, a dark red bed sat undisturbed.

She lead me over towards the fireplace. "Si-sit. You must be cold…"

Only once I break my stiff, trudging posture do I realize how freakin' soaked I am. This Kaguya outfit's screwed until I hang it out to dry, seriously…

I shiver violently. E~gh…

The ribbon lady sits next to me, and hugs me.

I mean, I'm not opposed to this. Even though she's cold and wet too, it's better than the air. That, and the innate sense of comfort, even if she's probably a gappy muncher or something...

So~, to escape…

She squeezes tighter. "...Yo-you're… not very lucky…"

Warning flag! "...Well, that's rude, yo."

"...Sor-...sorry. It's just…" She caresses my cheek with a smooth, cold hand. I turn from the fire to stare at her proper, and find her staring into my eyes. "Your… misfortune…"

We stay like this for awhile, while I let myself dry before I make any decision-y decisions. If she's just gonna let me sit here, I'll take my sweet time…

You have no idea how much time those ellipses ate. It took hours to properly warm up. The green-haired youkai floated wood into the fireplace to keep it going, in between caressing me and staring at me.

I've stopped shivering from the cold.

"So, when do you start trying to eat me?" I try again.

...She blinks. "...What do you mean?"

"Y'know. Rippin' my arms off and dippin' em in barbeque, the works." Putting it bluntly!

She cups her hands around her mouth. "O-oh, heavens, no! ...Y-you don't know me, do you?"

I shake my head.

"...My name is Hina." She introduces herself. "Hina Kagiyama. I'm… a goddess of misfortune."

...Misfortune.

"The second you stepped onto the mountain…" She held her arms close, looking blissful. "You're the most tempting human I've seen in the past… few years."

...Honh. "...So you're not gonna eat me?" I confirm.

"I won't eat you." She assures me, smiling warmly. "Ju-just your… misfortune."

Oh. "So what's that all about?"

...She doesn't respond, turning towards the fire again with a burning blush. "...Why don't you… g-go to bed? You must be… exhausted."

...That doesn't tell me anything!

"I do not trust you." I inform her.

"I-I don't blame you." She pouts. "Pl-please… go to bed."

"Are you planning to rape me in my sleep?" I'm not opposed to conscious sex, just so you know!

Her eyes widen. "Nonono! I- just- to do it, you have to be asleep…"

...Sure.

...I slip off my Kaguya wig, and the freakin' robe, because it's all wet as shit. This leaves me in my camo undershirt, and in those overalls, which are also wet as shit, but not as bad as having a giant wet blanket on you. Just a regular wet blanket.

Hina looks perplexed by my sudden transformation, but doesn't say anything.

...Staggering towards the bed, I plop down onto it, because tired. I refuse to think about going back into that maelstrom of rain, and this girl seems nice enough to not cook me into a stew in my sleep.

The blankets are nice and warm, quickly heating up my wet everythings. Warm and wet is weird, but it's okay. I've slept through worse.

Hina stares down at me, but the water makes it too uncomfortable for me to fall asleep instantly.

Closing my eyes, I pretend to be asleep, just incase she tries to gank me in my sleepy sleeps.

...The bed creaks as she clambers under the blankets on the other side. She hugs my wet form, nuzzling up to my side. "...Aaa~h."

She begins glowing a faint green, looking like she's almost burning with green and black flames, or smoke.

...Then, it stops.

"Yo-you're… not asleep." She notes, tense.

"Hi." I greet her.

This is incredibly awkward.

Hina attempts to sing me a lullaby. "...Go… g-go to slee~p… go to slee~p…"

…S'not a very good lullaby, but I'm already freakin' sacked, so she could have like a negative two in lullaby crafting and I'd probably still appreciate it…

...

She kisses my cheek. "Good night…"

Wh-wha~...?

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

END OF CHAPTER 43

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Fairy Slayer, Accidental Human Slayer, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Village Liberator, Eientei Crucible, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine, Sky Climber, Amateur Espionage Practitioner, Illegal Fairy Harborer, Holder of Too Many Titles.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Tundra Bloomer - A earth-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock; has a flower curved around the hilt. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. Allows casting of Gaia Seed. Casts Tundra, a weak spike of ice!

INVENTORY:

Youkai Inconveniencer - Apparently a semi-crux to youkai and undead via a holy spell and being naturally strong against them, but it doesn't sound particularly efficient. Most respectable youkai seem to only be momentarily stunned, and anything without visual receptors or possibly a pair of sunglasses would probably be immune. Acts as a flashlight via candles. Converted to a flail with cross necklaces! Can cast Shine.

Fairy Brand - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can create small compressed air blasts. By the addition of a steel block, it gained enhanced striking power and weight, along with increased ability to channel magic into any sort of special effects it has. Sparkles in the light due to fairy dust, able to reduce the accuracy of weak, biological enemies by irritating their senses with the dust.

Flame Salvo - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Enchanted to have an incendiary effect upon sufficient striking force, or sufficient velocity. Good for burning stuff and people! Boosts fire abilities, allows physical strikes to do fire damage. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Has a flamethrower nozzle. Can cast Fume, has Flamethrower Plus!

Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.

Deep Blue- A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Enchanted to constantly produce fresh water. Boosts abilities of water-based attacks and allows physical attacks to deal water damage. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Sharper Than Darkness- A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon style, with increased bleeding but fighting power being the main attributes. Can cast Revenge, a dark spell which has more extreme proportions of the weapon's innate attributes. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to give it an extra deadly edge in combat.

Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.

The Escape Plan - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, and a gift from Flandre Scarlet. Has an obsolete map out of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Has various negatives mentioned in earlier inventory summarizations…

Market Gardener - Critical hits during blast jumps! Otherwise, it's just a normal, old plant hanger. Named after a very similar shovel…!

Holy Talismans - Provides a holy upgrade and elemental shift to a weapon of choice!

Electric Talismans - Provides an electric upgrade and elemental shift to a weapon of choice!

NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please.

NERF longsword - 'CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals'… you know what that means!

Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! 75% time resistance on equip. Voice, face, and height specifications not included!

Monk Robes - Wear to become a Buddhist! Actually pretty comfy…!

Butterfly Dream Pills - Makes you dream of being a beautiful butterfly!... now, if only there was a pill for lucid or wet dreams, and then I'd consider Yagokoro the doctor to end all doctors!

Remilia Scarlet Disguise - Wearing this as a tall manchild's probably not doing anyone with eyes any favors. Has resistances of sorts, but I'm not in a big fat hurry to find out…

A Wiffle Duster - For shoving up people's rectums.

PARTY:

London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks of both the magical and physical variety. Gets a lance, and can shoot danmaku. Has a variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has a mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. London shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.

Hina Kagiyama, the Goddess of Misfortune - Friendly and sociable, this goddess gets her highs off the misfortune of others… and not in the schadenfreude way. She holds the power to stockpile other's misfortune and use it as sustenance. Knows numerous debilitating spells, and has immense health due to being a freakin' god.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Fisticuffs!

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

YEAH S'NOTHER DARK CHAPTER.

you need SOME disparity to bring the variety, yo… and variety is the spice of life

...basically ai felt like WRITING DARK; there's still some COMEDY AMIDST IT, but it's probably not what ANYONE CAME FOR

nugget days

in any case, INCIDENTS AND STUFF

as always, see you all next time!