(in which we scuffle a carpet)

Boom!

Somethin' blew up. Dunno what it was, and it wasn't me!

I hear the fairies in the hall around me hush into silence. Then, they start shuffling about in fluffy manners…

"Wa-wah!" Some fairy maid with short, black hair walks into a taller fairy, and they both fall to the floor.

"Move, move, move!" Komi passes me, plowing her way through the idle friends. Koi follows behind her, giving me a smirk before turning away.

"He-hey!" I hear Ha-chan! I dunno what happened to her back at Eientei, but I assume she got beat the fuck up by those chuckle fluffs.

She proceeds to bump into Komi, attempting to walk through her or somethin'...

"Can you not!?" Komi struggles with her, trying to shove her aside and fight her forward momentum. "Da-damn it- you!"

Thud! They fell to the floor.

"Komi-cha~n!" Ha-chan whined, wiggling off of her to try and reach me.

Komi latched onto her, slightly winded from getting bowled over. "You want to go!? Le-let's go!"

With that, they began wrestling on the floor.

Nice hustle.

...Koi moves up to the wall, and leans against it, grinning at the two.

Boom!

Shit's explodin', du~de! Either that's Flandre being Flandre, or someone invented bombs. If the fairies invented bombs, yo… that'd be like, game over. Remilia: next mansion ya make, it's gotta be outta rocks and steel. For serious. Like, Bowser's castle. He's got bombs and thwomps, because his floors can take it.

Lookin' over at the main lobby, I see Meiling bound in, followed by Kasen and Marisa. They dart through the air, bypassing the foyer stairs to the upper level.

Friends! As fun as that looks, I think I'm just gonna not get involved, there. Infact, this would be a good time to stop by Patchy's library. Maybe I'll get to set up those little boxes with the twig holding them up! Only the most elite of traps.

I try to move past the wrestling fairies, but Ha-chan grabs my ankle. "Don't leave me~!"

Yo! Now how am I-

Komi bounds over her and starts assaulting me! My efforts to push back are in vain!

Thud. Now I'm on the floor.

"Eat carpet!" Komi boasts, rubbing my face on the carpet.

Which sucks, by the way. Rugs are not very good for bare skin that isn't feetsies. This includes faces. I ain't lettin' myself get beat, yo…!

Flailing my left arm, I eventually disrupt Komi enough to bash her with my back, sending us both tumbling further.

"Ugh…!" She grunts in irritation. "Fucking…"

Ha-chan gets up, and instead of being helpful and ending the tussle, she dives onto Komi. "Oof!"

"Run, Brad-kun!" Ha-chan takes one for the team! "The oranges are in the kazoo! I repeat, the oranges are in the kazoo!"

Yo ho ho~!

Scrambling up from the floor, I sprint away and leave the fairies to their devices. Freakin'... fluffy.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

The library doors are wide open, for a change! I'm down to clown with that, yo.

I run inside, and see little in terms of fairies or friends. Some tomes hover menacingly in the air, but they don't focus on me.

Lookin' around cautiously, I proceed deeper into the library.

A hand latches onto my shoulder. Pausing to inhale, I yell. "Ah!" ...It's less of a surprised yell, and more of just like… Ah!

Koakuma recoils back. "...You're louder than I am."

Pivoting around, I progress towards her. "I'll defeat you with the voice!" Yelling is a magical attack, I tell you! Patchy may have firestorms, and Marisa might have lasers, but I have the ability to yell at women!

Koakuma smirks, approaching me herself. "I can make you scream, if that's what you want."

Nevermind. Yelling magic is severely underbuffed, yo. I blame the game designers.

I back up. "No, yo, no. I came to meet with a fluffy magi, not to let you swallow my soul."

"Oh, I'll swallow you, alright…" She leans over, beginning to open up her shirt. "Come on. I know you want me."

I've had enough of the succubus talk! S'a sli~ppery slope she's playin' right there…

"Ah!" I counter with yelling magic!

She recoils. "Stop that…!"

"Make me, yo!" Get ow~ned!

She snorts. "Fine." With that, she threw her hands outward, ruby red nails extending.

Hoh, shit…!

I run forward as she floats after me, leering down from above. "Fufufu~!"

Taking out Fairy Harp, I book it! "Friend, let me play you relaxing sounds!"

"Let me hear you moan!"

Koakuma dips down from above and picks me up, lifting me by the under arms and whisking me into the air. From there, she reaffirms her grip with one arm, the other trying to disarm me.

She accidentally plays some tunes! Twa-twa-twa~ng!

Her brows furrow at that, but she doesn't comment.

"Y-yo!" Also, I'm in a pretty shitty situation. Again. Eat yelling magic! "Ah!"

"That's it…" She pulls me towards her, attempting to kiss me. I tilt my head, and she only manages to butt heads with me instead. "You fucking virgin!"

Then a giant tome smashed into the side of us, sending us sprawling.

"Hngh…" Koakuma wobbles in the air as I fall to the floor. She didn't take me very high, so-

"Oof." I land on my butt.

The giant, blue and yellow tome flaps about angrily, sparks emanating from within the pages.

"Why!?" Koakuma protested! "Just let me fuck him, Patchouli-sama~! Plea~se!?"

...Patchouli sighed. "You're rather desperate, today. More than usual."

"Can you blame me!?" Koakuma snaps back. "That book- the one from the outside! It got me horny!"

"...I see." Patchouli's expression was vain. "...If it really were a need, I can simply erect a homunculus, you know."

Scoffing, Koakuma seethes. "Homunculus. That's just a sack of meat, literally. I want someone fuckable."

"...Why don't you go down to the village?" Patchouli tilted her head.

Koakuma stares at her dryly. "When was the last time I had a day off?"

...Patchouli conceded. "Fair enough. If I recall correctly, there's a reason we stopped letting you go out for groceries."

Rolling her eyes, Koakuma began to float off. "Yeah, yeah. Okay, Patchouli-sama. Sure."

Patchouli floated down to me once she was gone. "Books from your world are vulgar to a troublesome extent."

I tilt my head back and forth. "They're fun, though."

"They would be." She gives me a dry stare, before turning away, the large tome that broke up the earlier squabble floating down to touch base with her. "What information did you-"

Boom! The mansion shook.

...Patchouli inspected the book's side and pages. "What information did you obtain about the fluffles?"

"They're gettin' uppity, yo." I answer the normal question! "They attacked Eientei recently. Shit ton of losses, I think."

Appearing genuinely surprised, Patchouli turns to me and makes eye contact. "Genuinely?"

"Yeah. I was on the lines 'a battle, watchin' rabbits get sliced. Like, there was this one moment- I'll just cut it short and say the rabbit got like hectasected."

Patchouli blinks. "Fluffles, correct?"

I nod. "In like, space-defying gimp suits." ...At her incredulous face, I continue. "For serious- they like slid through walls and shit!"

"You… seem genuine." At that, she nods. "This is more serious than I had at first anticipated, I suppose."

Ho ho!

"I thank you for doing reconnaissance on behalf of the manor." Patchouli gives me a small smile. "...Mostly because Remi is busy-"

Boom!

She sighed. "...Really busy."

She smiled at me, dude...!

Boom!

What is that!?

...Patchouli notices my incredulity. "One of the little mistress' friends was injured by one of the fairy maids, before Sakuya collected all the guns… which seemed to be planted here by Yakumo. Sakuya found her gaps while time was stopped."

Sakuya's sharp, yo. And not just 'cause she's got knives! ...Wait, Flandre has friends? Oo~h! Koishi~! I can't believe I forgot… about… her.

Freakin' Koishi.

"Remi even got shot in the butt." Patchouli nodded in a satisfied manner. "When she came into the library screaming about it…" Grinning, she shook her head. "Mmm."

Pffft. Man, if only I didn't die when I get shot! I coulda hung around a little longer!

Satisfied with the state of the giant mean tome, Patchouli pushed it, allowing it to fly away. "Anyway… I don't believe it would be within your best interests to-"

Boom!

"-...Mmm." She let the mansion's shaking accent her point. "If you're quiet, I'll let you reside here."

So tempted to use yelling magic on her… but I can't bring myself to, at the moment.

With that, she begins floating away. I was half expectin' an offer 'a hospitality, but that'd probably be a little much to expect. If there's anything I gotta get hyped about, though, yo…

Let's see, what can I find to keep myself entertained, in here…?

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Ha-chan and her friends eventually caught up!

Sitting down at the table where I was playing with some of Patchouli's erasers that I had swindled from an unattended desk, I watch Komi and her goonies gather on the other end of the table.

"What the fuck is that?" She points at my map with erasers positioned on it!

"The war plan." My face slowly fell. "The end, dude."

"Cool." Komi snorts, before clearing her throat. "Ahem… we're hanging out in here because the tomes are a lot better at fighting vampires than the other assholes."

Namori sits down to her right. "I died. Outsider guns a-are, scary..."

Koi grinned. "I wasn't even around for that shit. Some guy like, took me to a bar and got me drunk, and then dragged me out in the rain-"

"How did that get you into a bank vault?" Komi's mouth was agape. "Every time you recount it, your shit doesn't add up!"

"I was drunk!" Koi counters, yelling at her friend. "Of course it doesn't!"

"Bar to bank! Bar to bank! On that night!" Komi stood up.

Koi got up, grinning. "You wanna wrestle!?"

Domineering as ever, Komi bended towards her, looming over her. "I'll teach you to respect me as your mistress, again."

Two large, person-sized blue tomes slowly hovered down from above. The fairies didn't realize what was happening until it was too late, and the tomes began to squish them into the floor.

"Da-damn it!" Komi tries to fight hers, but it presses her to the floor. "Fuck!"

"A-ah!" Koi is too stout to combat it in any way. "Awwh…"

I look up at the library's skies, and see the small, distant figure of Patchouli turn away from us. Like the superhero of libraries, dude.

Ha-chan comes back from the shelves, holding picture books. "I found boo~ks!"

"Fuck books." Komi grumbles.

"Fuck you." Koi grins at her.

Komi has nothing to say to that, other than to look half amused and half enraged.

Ha-chan splayed the picture books out on the table. Promptly, Namori took this tiny one about a cat celebrating Christmas.

Wait, Christmas!? Dude, Gensokyo better celebrate Christmas! That'd be like… yo! I'd totally be asking for dope ass spell lessons and books and wands and staves and swords and and-

Ha-chan shoves a book in my face. "Reading's good for you, Brad-kun."

Never woulda guessed it, yo.

I take the book. It's in, like, Mongolian or something. I~ can't read it, but I can smile at the funny pictures! Like this one about this guy... getting shot in the face with a gun!

I dunno what the audience for this book is. Freakin'...

The blue tomes fly away, releasing the other two. Komi and Koi take their time getting up…

"...No porn mags." Koi slouches.

"Oh, please." Komi folds her arms. "I can read tougher stuff than this."

Ho ho! We've got a badass over here…!

...Actually, that raises a good question. Does this library have an inbetween of 'picture books' and 'complex theoretical magical tomes'? I mean, considering it's like, bigger than the mansion on the outside, it better. Only problem's that they might be in like, French, or really really old English.

Ha-chan ignores her, flipping open her picture book and smiling widely.

...Paper flutters down from overhead. A sheet flies into my face, and I peel it off.

Oh. Porn.

Koi obtains a sheet. "He~y...!"

Komi moves next to her to take a peek, and sighs. "This is your fault."

"I'm a porn wizard!" Koi beams, holding her arms out wide.

"That would be me." Koakuma floats down from above, amidst the hentai sheets. With that, she skips towards me, purposefully picking the most bouncy way of traversing. "Do you think I have an ulterior mo~tive?"

...What kinda question's that? "No."

"We~ll, you're right, then!" She spreads her arms wide, her boobs bouncing again. "From the kindness of my heart, a gift to you."

Sure.

...Koi walks around, quickly picking up all the scattered sheets.

Noticing, Koakuma frowned at her. "Okay, what, you have something against porn?"

Koi jerks her head back. "What? I'm keepin' this stuff! It's awesome!"

...Raising her hands and grasping at the air malevolently, Koakuma steps towards her. "I'm trying to score a fuck, here!"

'Fuck' is the most versatile word in the English language. It's literally every type of word.

Snorting, Koi turned away. "With who, him?" She points at me. "Dude, guy's deader down there than a box of rocks. I'm still trying, myself."

Koakuma quickly takes her side, smirking. "We need to talk."

"He-hey!" Koi tries to struggle from her grasp. "Lemme go!"

With that, the succubus abducted the fairy, carrying her off under her right arm.

"She'll be fine." Komi yawned, taking a moment to stretch. "...Prolly gonna like it." Leaning against a bookshelf, her eyes fluttered.

Looks like someone got hit by the daytime drowsies, yo…

Boom!

The loud explosion demands my attention! Turning to it, I note that the far, upper wall's been blown open with firey rage!

"This wo~rld!" Flandre roars, darting into the library, wind violently howling around her form. Her wing shards glowed like industrial grade nightlights, leaving iridescent trails behind her as she zipped around like a freakin' jet.

Vrrrrr~!

A thick, rainbow-colored laser shot from the hole she came from. Wasn't quite a Master Spark, but it was Master Spark-like.

Flandre rolled out of the way, accelerating across the greater half of the entire library and through the wall.

Boom!

Aa~h, the vices of existential angst! She moves so fast that she makes this giant sprawling booktropolis look like a freakin' McDonalds drive-through.

Marisa rockets overhead, going after her. "Sana~e! More of that wind thing, before I die, ze!"

"Ye-yes!" Sanae and Kasen slowly trail along behind her. The former waves her gohei through the air. "Aero!"

Woosh!

Marisa was protected by a wind shield. Giving Sanae a thumbs up, she ditched the two. "Yer the best!"

"Wa-waa~it!" Sanae calls out for her, to no avail.

Honh.

...Komi, Ha-chan and I all stare up at the commotion. Unfortunately for Sanae and Kasen, they were too slow to escape the oncoming barrage of automated tomes.

"Oh, waa~h!" After being beaned in the head by a tome, Sanae spiralled to the floor at a constant, slow rate.

Kasen sighed, and slowly descended along side her, ignoring the books assaulting her.

I turn to Ha-chan. "We should go find 'em, yo!"

Excited, she stacks up a few picture books and begins following behind me. Yo ho ho!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

On the outer fringes of the library, I find Sanae lying under a pile of tomes, Kasen leisurely digging her out, one by one. Patchouli was here, with her arms folded.

"Hello, friends." I greet them.

"...Hello." Kasen smiled at me.

...Patchouli raised her hand, and telekinetically lifted the remaining books.

"Ha~h!" Sanae gave a gasp of life! Scurrying out from beneath the books and sitting before Patchy, she smiled. "Th-thank you, Patchouli…!"

I felt the vibrations when Patchy sat the books back down. "Anytime. My books are better undirtied by the demise of green mikos."

...Sanae's smile becomes more awkward than grateful. "Ahaha~h… right."

"We apologize for letting her outlash reach here." Kasen bowed respectfully.

Patchouli stared at her blankly. "It was going to happen eventually. I'm just glad she didn't stick around."

...Ha-chan eagerly walks up to Patchouli, and tries to hand the stack of picture books off to her.

Patchouli is suddenly taken aback. "...Wh-what? No…"

Ha-chan pouts. "Awwh… But I picked them out for others…"

...Patchouli shakes her head. "I am far above picture books. Sorry."

"I'll read some!" Sanae was eager to let out the child inside herself!

"Yea~y!" Ha-chan bounded towards the long-haired miko, and began eagerly sharing the picture books with her.

I stepped- woah… I-I'm gettin' kinda dizzy, for some reason…

...Kasen furrowed her brows. "Are… you alright?"

A-ah…

I open my mouth, and then I fall forward.

Thud.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Oof.

...Opening my eyes, I see shelves around me.

"And now he's awake." Koakuma stated bluntly. "...Patchouli-sama, I am going to rape you."

"Okay." Patchouli didn't bother to look up from her book.

What even happened to me?

"Here." Patchouli floated over a plate of waffles to me. "Eat."

Ooo~! "Yo~!"

"I thought you said he'd eat my pancakes!" Koakuma whined further.

"They reek of chemicals." Patchouli glanced at her. "You'd more likely kill him than seduce him, if I were to be honest."

Koakuma slouched.

I eat the buttermilk waffles with my hands. They're plain, without butter or syrup, but that's fine, too.

...

They taste heavenly. "Mmh…" I swallow! "What did I do ta deserve this, yo?"

"You were starving to death." Patchouli informs me. "Likely because you haven't eaten in days."

...Oh, shit. That was a thing I still needed to do!?

...She eyes my baffled expression without comment.

Guess that's why they taste so good, then…

...I scarf down the other half of my waffles.

"Would you have sex with Patchouli-sama if I could help you do it?" Koakuma smiled at me.

"He'd die." Patchouli monotoned.

...You mean before sexing even happened, during sexing, or after sexing? I mean, regardless, no! "No, yo, no."

"You're gay." Koakuma declared. "You have to be."

Woah no. "Please, no, friend."

...With that, she huffed. "Then prove it. Prove you're not gay."

I shake my head. "I don't have to, friend."

...She folds her arms, frustrated.

Patchouli's brow twitched. "...If you're going to mock him, at least use stronger sources."

...Furrowing her brows, Koakuma walked away. "U~gh. You guys suck."

Oh, yeah. Turnin' to Patchy, I grin. "I forgot to tell you, yo. The oranges are in the kazoo."

"I think I'm done here. Go find some water, if you don't wish to dehydrate and die." With that, Patchouli floated away.

But what if I wish to, yo? What do I do, then?

"You're okay!" Sanae cheered, looking at me from a table with Kasen, nearby.

I get up offa the table I was perched upon. "I~... am not okay!"

Sanae's expression dropped instantly. "Wh-what…? What's wrong?"

...I furrow my brows. "I am slightly parched, and this room is chilly."

...Sanae stares at me dryly. "Oh. That's…" She trails off, unable to find a neutral way to express her disdain.

Hyonk, hyonk, hyonk!

"Unfortunate." Kasen finishes for her, rising from the table. "I believe we should assist Marisa."

...Unsure, Sanae tilts her head. "U~hm… She's probably miles away, by now."

Boom! Some part of the mansion got thrashed, yo.

Kasen begins moving. "Hurry."

"Al-alright!" Hesitant for only a moment, Sanae shoots after Kasen, who transitions from a brisk power walk into a full-blown aerial torpedo. "Wa-wait! Freaking wa~it!"

Hovering down from above, Ha-chan positions herself next to me. "Hello!"

"We're goin' to the kitchens, yo." I begin heading for the exit, myself.

"Ooo~!" She eagerly prances behind me. "Food tastes good!"

Yeah, yo. Wait… no, actually. Food tastes good, but not all good tastes food!

...Wait, no! I mean, not all food-

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Freakin' scene transitions…! Got it in for me today, I tell ya.

The kitchen's a nice place, today. Stoves bein' stovey, sinks bein' sinky, and-

"He-hee~lp!"

What the fuck.

The dishwasher slammed open, a loud clang filling the kitchen. "A-ah… Aaa~h!" A blonde fairy maid fell out of it, shiny and soaked, flailing her arms as she tried to escape along the tiled floor.

Guess the dishwashers ain't bein dishwashery…!

Wait, wait, wait- what's a dishwasher doing here? Those stoves, they're blatantly freakin' old iron or maybe steel, but this dishwasher looks like it was from my house.

Gettin' close to it- but not too close- I try to look for words, but there's just Japanese text on it. Freakin' Sunrise Land.

Bam!

The back door of the kitchen flew in, blown right off of its hinges, a large crack running down the middle.

Uu~h…!?

...Remilia walks in, her clothes ruffled and her skin sweaty.

Oh.

She moves towards the fridge, and seems to almost brutalize it, but restrains herself to open it properly. From there, she picks out a bottle of blood wine from the fridge. Eying it carefully, she greedily pulls the cork, and starts chugging.

Guess she needs a little of the ol' 'liquid courage', yo.

Boom! It's exploding somewhere else.

"Ha~h…" She ceased chuggin', wiping sweat from her forehead. Turning to me, she gave me a blank stare.

I wave. "Hi."

"Hello~!" Ha-chan leans out from behind me.

...Remilia blinks. "...Y-you saw nothing."

With that, she calmly slipped the wine back into the fridge, closed it, and-

Fwoom! Her blur traveled out of the room, dust kicking up in her wake. I assume she's doin' somethin' about Flandre, too.

Ha-chan smiled. "What was that she was drinking?"

"Rat poison." Ha-chan, you do not need blood booze.

...She tilted her head. "...I don't think so, Brad-kun. Isn't rat poison purple, and not red?"

How would you know!?

"Well, I~'m checking!" Moving to the fridge, she grabs the handle, and pulls in the wrong direction. "Hnh…!" She pulls it in the right direction. The fridge swings open, and she maneuvers around it to clutch the large wine bottle. "Oo~h!"

Conflicted feelings! "Friend, no. It's alcomaholic."

She tilts her head. "What?"

"It's beer." I summarize, hoping she knows what beer is.

...She blinks. "Oh."

Shrugging, she pops it open. "Oh well! That's fine, too!"

Sakuya appears! "That is for the mistress." With that, she takes the bottle, and the cork, before vanishing.

...Ha-chan pouts. "But it was just beer…"

Honh.

"I really wanted to get you drunk, too~..." She whined.

Al~right, we're done here!

Moving up to the fridge, I grab one of the pitchers of water. Where the frik are the cups…

Putting the pitcher down on the counter, I begin looking for the cups. Crouching down, I open cabinets that are full of jars and bowls.

"...Whatcha lookin' for?" Ha-chan moves next to me.

"Cups, yo." Help.

"Oh, I know where!" Smiling widely, she slides a drawer out from one of the counters.

I stand, and look inside. Why would they be in a shelf?

Inside are spoons, forks, and knives.

She pulls out a spoon. "Here!"

Ha-chan, please. "That's a spoon, Ha-chan."

"I know!" She goes to the pitcher of water, and dips the spoon inside. Taking it out, she brings it near my face. "Say 'aa~h'!"

I don't think this is how it's supposed to work, but okay!

"Aa~h…"

Like this, I let Ha-chan spoon feed me water.

Lifting the spoon from my mouth, she dips it back in the pitcher. "Does it taste good?"

It's water. Also, my mission in finding a cup was so that I didn't infect the pitcher with my saliva, but y'know…

"Aa~h!" Ha-chan smirks.

"Aa~h…"

Getting spoonfed is a weird feeling.

Again, the tiny spoon of water is 'fed' to me.

"Hehehe~..." Ha-chan giggles. "I think you like it!"

It's freakin' water! The spoon leaves my mouth. "How could I not like it, yo. It's water."

"Doesn't it feel good?" She shifts closer to me, her gaze scanning my figure.

...This is some uncharted territory!

Fortunately, a friend enters. That one scarlet-haired maid who I forgot the name of enters, moving for the fridge herself. She pauses upon seeing us, before grinning. "What, you two on a date? Ho~w sweet."

Ha-chan smiles. "Yeah!"

When did this happen.

"How is he?" She steps up to us, a hand on her hip.

Ha-chan furrows her brows, and wraps an arm around me. "No, Miyako. He's mine."

"Not if I kill you." Miyako steps back, and accrues a sand-red plant hanger from the shadows. "I bet he'd let any fairy fuck him. Humans are creeps like that."

Ha-chan gasped. "Brad-kun wouldn't do anything like that!" She turns to me. "Right, Brad-kun?"

Bi~g decision! Gotta think fast! "...No-not without your permission?"

She smiles. "See?"

Miyako rolled her eyes. "Whatever. Get out of the way, I need a drink."

She reached into the fridge, and took the wine bottle out. "He~re we go…"

Sakuya exists again! "Those are reserved for-"

Miyako drops the wine bottle into a dark shadow on the floor, and it falls in. "Whoo~ps. Guess you'll have to catch me, maid."

In that instance, Miyako is tied up. She slowly falls to the floor, into her own shadow, which consumes her.

"Hehehe~! Tell mistress that you're a gullible oaf, chief! Hahaha~!"

Sakuya tenses up, grimacing. "...Really."

...She looks over to us.

I smile. "I'm being spoon fed water, dude."

...She sighs. "I see." Poof. She's gone.

Ha-chan's grip around my shoulders tighten. "You'll be with me forever, right, Brad-kun?"

Daa~h… "I die eventually, y'know."

"Ri-...right…" She seems shaken by that statement. "Un-until then, right?"

Ha-chan, asking me to be decisive makes me uncomfortable. "...I'll, uh, be with ya. Yeah."

"Ya~y!" With that, she jumps in place. "Let's go have fun!"

You know, I'm supposed to be the one doing the generic wooing, not the other way around…!

I've got nothing better on my mind to do! Taking the pitcher, I finish off as much as I comfortably can, and move to the door to follow behind her.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Ha-chan and I walk down the eerily empty hall…

"Where is everyone…?" Ha-chan looks concerned, looking up and down the length of the hallway. "Did I make them all mad?"

I nod. "Yes. You offended everyone."

...Pouting, she furrows her brows. "Well, that's stupid!"

Boom! The hallway behind us shakes.

I turn, and note Flandre roaring by. The candles go out in her wake, her wings' immense light momentarily causing me to freeze up.

"Leave me alo~ne!" Flandre's voice booms across the whole hallway.

Ha-chan clings to me, eyes wide in fear.

Vrrr~! Marisa tries to propel herself after her, but seems to have misjudged her angle. The spark-esque laser sends her on a collision course with the wall…

Bam! "Fuck!"

Bouncing off the wall, her laser goes out, and she rebounds into and off of the ceiling. Then, spinning to a halt on the floor before me, she was left sprawled out on her stomach.

"Sa-Sanae…" She moaned. "Wh-where the hell…"

...I stare down at her. "Hi, friend."

Marisa grimaces up at me. "Ma-mana, health… any of 'em, do ya…?"

I shake my head. "Nope."

"Fucker…" She lets her face meet the carpet. "Oo~ww…"

...Ha-chan pouts. "I think she's hurt…"

Crouching, I pick up Marisa- woa~h, nevermind. Fairies made me forget how heavy humans are. "Yo~..." ...I try again, after a moment.

"Wh-what are you doing…!?" She protests against my manhandling! "Lemme go…"

Alright, yo, alright. I cease attempting to lift her.

She attempts to stand, only to spread on her stomach again. "A-ah… re-really…?"

"C'mon…" She tries again, and manages to get onto her arms… before splaying out again. "N-no…!"

"Help me out, Ha-chan." I go to lift Marisa by the legs. "You lift her face and stuff."

"Can do!" With that Ha-chan moves to try and lift her. Considering Ha-chan can lift persons and I can't, is she stronger than me…? Actually, I coulda used Tundra Bloomer to just lift her after a strength buff. This is better, though!

Slowly, we lift Marisa together, Ha-chan letting her face rest in, uh, her chest.

"Mmmph." Marisa's muffled voice comes from Ha-chan's bust.

"Hehehe~!" Ha-chan giggles. "It tickles!"

Yeah, this is why I picked the legs. That, and legs are easier to lift, I find, even though they're heavier-ish.

"Alright, yo!" I begin moving! "Hup, hup, hup!"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We've just been moving in circles, 'cause I have no idea where the hell to take her. My first guess was the library, but the halls are not cooperating. I dunno if we've even actually been going in circles!

Marisa's stopped responding after the first ten minutes. I think she's asleep.

Ha-chan warily looks at me, again. "Ho-how much longer… do we have to keep going? Her breath keeps tickling me~..."

"Forever." I nod slowly. "Sorry, friend."

Ha-chan's face becomes sad. "Oh, no…"

Solemn, we continue to carry Marisa through the halls…

Y'know, "Are there any healing elemental fairies in this mansion?"

"I dunno." Ha-chan confesses. "I never really pay attention to everyone's elements…"

Well.

We're lost, dude! "Aaaaa~h, aaaa~h!" It is time to scream!

Ha-chan starts screaming, too! "Aaaa~h, aaaa~h!"

Marisa snaps awake. "Wh-what…!? What's-"

"Aaaa~h!" I scream over her!

"Aaaa~h!" Ha-chan helps, too!

"Wh-what!?" Marisa is confused!

Aaaa~h!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: REIMU HAKUREI'S PERSPECTIVE ====

I can't stay in bed all day.

Maybe… a bit longer, though…

N-no. I need to move. Kasen didn't even bother to heal me, for whatever reason. If she thinks it's better to recover naturally… she's probably not wrong, but…

I have responsibilities. I can't spend two days doing nothing at all, not now.

"Ngh…" My head spins as I sit up, and step out of- cold. Outside my futon, the cold air assaults my skin. I shiver violently, the cold running up my limbs, and the covered parts of my body…

"Brrr~..." I-I… yeah. Not fun. Why can't this cool off my head, and not the rest of me…?

First thing's first: a trip to Eientei. I know they're not doing hot over there, either, but they'll take me. If they don't, I'll just beat them up. I'm sure they'd love for me to solve this incident, too, so there shouldn't be any problems.

...I steal the blankets of my own futon, and wrap them around myself. This should keep me safe, until I reach Eientei…

I open my bedroom door.

Yukari's there. "Hello~, Reimu!"

Please, not now… "What do you want?"

She jerks her head back. "Why, you're sick, Reimu dearest! Can I not simply check up on your well being?"

That format of greeting's been used so much that I'm getting sick of it. More than usual, anyway. "Go away." Not like she'll stop.

Pouting, she continues. "You've shattered me, Reimu! Oo~h…!" Bringing an arm across her forehead, she leans back into her gap, and it closes. A tiny puff of purple smoke accents her departure.

…That kind of thing would be funny. Except this is about the tenth time I can recall that she's done this.

It opens again. "I do not wish for you to jeopardize yourself, Reimu. It would be terrible if you collapsed out in the cold, and were gobbled up by some big, mean youkai."

Please. "I'm not a stupid outsider. I- Achoo~!" Darn it! "...I can take care of myself." Ugh…

"I see." Yukari sighs. "...I sincerely do not wish to hold your hand, but your absence would be most inconvenient, during this time. You are not wrong in believing this illness to be in the way of things."

Whatever. "Just go away."

Yukari snorts. "Very well, Reimu. I must talk with you after this whole incident is said and done, however. Certain 'stupid outsiders' require your attention."

As if you needed to warn me. I am intrigued about that outsider thing...

She receded into her gap, vanishing. Guess I won't find out for awhile, then. They probably just did something to piss her off, all things considered. Both of them seem to be magnets for trouble.

...Breaking from my standing posture, I feel the world spin as I make my way across the shrine grounds, and towards the front door…

I open it. The wind is even colder…

This sucks.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

The sounds of construction fill my ears as I desperately spiral towards the clinic's front door. The flight was windier and colder than I thought it would be…

My progress is impeded by the automatic glass door, which seems to not be automatic at the moment. I shove myself against the door, pushing it inward. These doors were rather unique in that you could simply push them open. They could still lock, however, but I have no idea how.

Inside, a cream-haired rabbit girl's eyes widen as I run up to the desk.

Why is this place so cold, too!? My limbs are so cold, and my skin… I can hardly touch myself without hissing at the sharp, frosty sensation that makes my hands recoil. It was as if a knife was run across them...

Looking around the room, I realize the ceiling is open. Not only that, but the surrounding walling is all gone. The only things that remain are this desk, the front door, and some of the walling behind the desk.

Okay, I know the fluffles attacked, but I didn't think Eientei outright lost.

"A-ah…" That rabbit girl gapes at me.

Although, it's still staffed? I don't even know what happened, then...

"I ne-need treatment." I request. "Please. A-... Call Eirin."

"Ye-yes!" She quickly reaches for a phone. "Hawa-ha-h-..." She freezes up.

"Hello?" I glare at her.

She falls backwards.

Thud.

...

Stupid discount clerks. Kaguya's a scrooge. That, or everyone better at the moment… is...

...

Guess I'll have to wander the halls myself.

Turning to the rightmost, vaguely smashed hall, I step past the mirror shards that riddle the intact sections of flooring, heading further into the clinic…

Rabbits are sweeping things, both the earth and lunar variants participating. Rather slow, for a cleanup, though… I mean, they're really demotivated looking. The lunar ones have their faces low, and the earthen ones simply look pissed off and bored.

They stare at me as I pass, taking note of the blanket I'm keeping around my form. It's kind of awkward, but none of them would dare to pick a fight with me, right now. I'm kind of glad.

After wandering into the halls proper, making my way past a decked out floor cleaner and grey, silky pieces of cloth, I find myself lost.

Eirin's surprisingly inaccessible, for Gensokyo's best doctor…

Let's see if I can find any lunar rabbits around, that aren't completely emotional black holes.

I knock on a door.

Whatever. "Coming in."

Swinging the door open, I find…

Blood. Dead bodies. Rabbit parts.

So he wasn't kidding, about the 'sliced up' thing. I close the door.

If fluffles did this… I have to get this incident solved faster. This is actually frustrating. I could have stopped this.

I see a blonde rabbit ahead of me. "He-hey…" Ugh… I clear my useless throat. "Hey."

Her attention is grabbed. Turning to me, she furrows her brows. "You. You're not supposed to-..." She notices my bow. "Ha-Hakurei?"

"Take me, to Ei-Eirin." I demand as best as I could. It's so cold…

"What do you want of her?" She glares at me. "This is a very stressful time for her."

Are we really doing this 'holier than thou' stuff…? "Yeah, I-I know. I'm here t' help..." My throat hurts...

...She narrows her eyes. "The last person who was here to help couldn't do anything. How am I supposed to know you'll be any different, human?"

Fine, whatever. I keep wa- "Achoo!" Augh…! I flail my arm in front of me, and sneeze into it on impulse. "Achmmph!"

I-I covered it in snot, my sleeve...

The rabbit's intensity falters, and she turns away. "Fo-follow me…"

Huh. "Th-thank you."

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We walk into a bathroom. I'm instantly suspicious, because I have high doubts that Eirin would have any practical reason to use a bathroom.

"Yagokoro-sama?" She calls out into the room. "The Hakurei is here."

We come into the main room of the bathroom, and I see that multiple of the stall dividers they used for it were taken down, scattered along the floor. Eirin was standing over what looked like a dead lunar rabbit, sliding off a dirty pair of gloves. "Oh? So she is…"

...Guess this would be a valid reason for her to visit a bathroom. "Hi." I wave weakly, shivering within my blankets.

"Unless you're here to search for clues, I'm afraid we're not to be of much help, today." Eirin looked me in the eyes. "We'll need at least a week to rebuild and repopulate."

A week to repopulate.

The blonde rabbit gestures to me. "She has a cold, master."

Hey, at least let me tell her…

Eirin jerks her head back. "The Hakurei can get ill?"

I sneeze into the air. "Achoo~!"

"Fascinating." Eirin smiles at me. It's creepy. It's not a creepy smile, but a genuine one. Which makes it creepy. A genuinely creepy smile.

"If you experiment on me," I make it very clear right now-

"Yes, yes. I'm to adhere to these 'standard ethical policies of doctors'." Eirin used her hands to make air quotes. "Were I to genuinely harm you, the war such an action would cause would likely soil my research for decades to come. Fear not."

It's good that my well-being is only being maintained because it'd be inconvenient to you otherwise. "Good…"

"Come along, Hakurei." Eirin begins to leave the room. "I'll have to perform a simple checkup before I diagnose you."

"Fine." Would it have killed you to left the heating on during reparations…?

We move out of the bathroom, and into the hall again. Smashed vases, soggy carpets, waterlogged portraits… This place is a war zone.

"A case of the sniffles, hmm?" Eirin makes idle chatter.

"I-I guess…" I really don't feel like talking more than I need to...

There's something in the rug, here. I lean over it, only to see… oh. They're grounded up vase pieces, embedded in the carpet. Somehow.

I'm curious. "Just how many fluffles attacked? This hallway is a disaster."

"They never reached here." Eirin informed me.

What?

"This hallway was a result of an outsider's handiwork." She provides. "...I'm not entirely certain if it did what I asked of him, but I have a few rabbits who aren't afflicted with crippling depression, so he may have."

I think I know who. He's about as destructive as the fluffles, at this rate. I still want to know what happened to that vase.

Eirin eventually leads me to a clean checkup room.

"Achoo~!" Eugh…

"Take a seat right over there." She gestures to one of those plastic bed things.

"Alright…"

Sitting at it, I shiver. "Ca-can't you turn on the heat…?" I swear this place had heating…

"The communications grid was destroyed, and I haven't the time." Eirin gave her reasoning. "You'll have to bear with me."

Trust me, that's what I've been doing…

...Ugh. Wiping snot off on my hand is so gross…

After a moment, Eirin comes over to me with a thermometer. "Place this under your tongue."

Alright…

After a moment has passed, she checks it. "...Immense fever. All things considered, you likely have a common virus."

As expected. "Mmm…"

"Please wait here, I'll have to go get your medicine personally. Communications grid." Eirin waves.

With that, she leaves the room, the other rabbit following behind her reluctantly. I curl up in a ball on the plastic bed, scrunching the paper laid out on it.

Ca-can't it be summer, again…? Please…? I hate this...

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: BRAD'S PERSPECTIVE ====

"Aaaa~h, aaaa~h!" Yeah, this is still happening!

Sakuya swings the bathroom door open.

I quit exerting my hips upon the bottom of the empty bathtub I sat in. Ha-chan was doing the same against her end of the tub. Marisa was sitting unconscious on the toilet nearby. Don't ask how she got knocked out again; it involved Flandre and a pair of mittens filled with fluff 'n' stuffs.

It is for that reason that Ha-chan and I have united against Flandre!

...By doing this!

Ha-chan and I both pause to look at Sakuya.

"Aaaa~h, aaaa~h!" I yell, as I resume the tub thumping!

"Aaaa~h!" Ha-chan agrees!

Ha-chan and I use our hips to scoot the tub back and forth from inside! We have to do it in unison, or it doesn't go anywhere!

It is the art of tubthumping, yo.

A muffled thumping noise was created, as the tub scooted back and forth in the bathroom. It scraped against the tiled floor, damaging it, as well as damaging the nearby walling.

Sakuya has no words. "...Well. Okay." Well, maybe a few.

The bathroom door closes.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: REIMU HAKUREI'S PERSPECTIVE ====

"Here you are." Eirin sat a small cup of liquid on the fold out table next to the cold, plastic bed. "Free of charge. Finest cold medicine."

That could mean any number of things.

"...I assure you it is for colds only." Eirin sighed. "It would do you well to be less skeptical."

Right. "I-it… would do you well t-to be less-"

"A jeer, Hakurei. In jest." Eirin confirms that her sense of humor is stupid. To me, anyway. I'm not sure if she said that just to cover herself, or if there was some layer of wit to that. It doesn't matter.

"Drink." Eirin monotoned. "We'll get nowhere belittling each other."

I take the cup. Inside was a sickly, blue and green sort of liquid.

Without thinking, I sit up, and down it. The taste is parts bitter, artificial and acidic. My throat feels the slick, viscous medicine prick down it, making me want to gag.

It's a good sign. The kinds she offers that taste well are usually the only things about them that taste well. I wish she put more effort into making them all not-so-bitter, though.

I blink.

Eirin smiles. "Better?"

Smarmy doctor. "Ye-yeah. Better."

I stand up, casting the blanket aside, feeling the chill room's air on my skin. It's chill, but comfortably so. Sorta. Kinda.

...I pick the blanket back up. Okay, it's not bad, but it's still a little cold for my tastes.

"I'm glad you trusted me, for this." Eirin began stepping for the door. "Do solve this incident with haste. This damage will take a long time to fully amend, and to put it bluntly, I'm out for dusty flesh."

Well, aren't we all? "Mmm. Thanks."

She leaves the room, her amused smile dropping into a neutral one as she leaves me behind.

...I should head to the mansion, now. They'll likely have stoves going, and free food. Remilia likes to be showy like that. Oh, right, I should also be checking on it… Marisa probably did a good job, but I should double-check. Yeah.

Floating out into the hall, I begin retracing my steps to leave Eientei. The rabbits are even more wary of me, as I float around. I mean, as long as they don't try to shoot me, we'll be fine…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: BRAD'S PERSPECTIVE ====

You know, I never stopped to ask why Flandre was upset in the first place. She's just been kinda-

"Aaaaa~h!" Flandre roared before Ha-chan and me, her wings glow wildly, flickering and flaring.

"Aaaa~h!" Ha-chan's eyes were wide as she screamed hysterically.

"Aaaaa~h!" I~ was not much better!

"Aaaaa~h!" Flandre wasn't necessarily enjoying this conversation, either!

Then, a large, red spear blindsided Flandre, taking her out of vision.

"Calm down!" Remilia roared, flying after her sister.

The wind of the giant scarlet energy spear forced Ha-chan and me to sit down on the side of the hallway. Then, the wind from Remilia pushed us against the wall.

...Ho ho!

"Make wa~y!" Marisa shot by us, oversized star-shaped danmaku expelling from her broom. Like, person sized!

Oh, yeah, Marisa got better off-screen, by the way. Sanae knows heals!

Sanae desperately clung to her with her arms, which wrapped around Marisa's entire torso. "Slow do~wn!"

Their wind lightly ruffles me and my fairy friend.

One of the giant danmaku particles floats into me, slowly…

It makes- contaaa~"Aaaa~ughgh!?"

Ouch, son.

I~ think I'll just sit here…

Ha-chan looks over to me. "...Brad-kun? Are you okay?"

"Nope…!" Danmaku induced stiffness… it exists! "Pain…"

...Kasen walks by, trailing after the speedy friends. She turns to me, and notices my disposition. "Were you hurt?"

"Ye-yes…" Help.

...Wait, is she gonna hug me? Dude!

A hand is pressed to my forehead. "Heal!"

Her hand glows green, and I hear a small chime as my mind numbs and my vision dulls, for only a moment. Comfort fills me, and I suddenly feel like I wanna curl up and be happy.

She lifts her hand, and with that, she power walks off after the magical friends. I reach out to her, but she's freakin' quick.

A~nd the comfort is gone. I feel better, but freakin'...!

I stand up. "Come back, yo! Yo~!"

She's gone. What a freakin' noob, yo…

...Ha-chan stands up, too. "We should find some friends, Brad-kun."

Easier said than done, yo. I think everyone's holed up in their own little rooms…

I turn to her. "Lead the way, yo." I've been leading us aimlessly for awhile and all we managed to do was get Marisa to Kasen. Aside from that, the hallways have been empty as shit.

Smiling widely, she begins stepping ahead. "Follow me, Brad-kun!"

Trailing behind her, I take in the candle lights and things on the fancy shmancy scarlet walls. There are a couple fairies out and about, but no one I recognize, and no one Ha-chan seems to care about.

"Hey, Gravity-chan!" Ha-chan waves at the passing purple-haired fairy.

"H-hh…" The purple fairy freezes, locking up in terror.

...Ha-chan smirks, turning to me and using her hand to whisper, "She's just shy…"

Aww.

...

After taking numerous more turns, I wonder… "Ha-chan, how do you know where we're going?"

"I don't!" She beams. "But I can recognize doors! They got these 'lil things about them…!"

About what I expected, really…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Leaning over, Ha-chan ran her hand across the door's surface. "See? There's like… these lines on the door. Brad-kun, look here."

"I see, yo, I see…" There are tiny scratches on the door, the kind you might see on a well-used fancy table that had been unmaintained and uncared for. I could only see 'em with the right angle of light…

"Touch 'em." Ha-chan brushed them again.

I proceeded to brush my hand over them, feeling the texture of the scratches…

"See?" She smiles. "I memorize 'em! This room is Komi and Maple and-and other fairies'!"

You memorize patterns of scratches on a door. Alright, yo…

She opens the door. Inside, there is indeed Komi and Maple, among other fairies.

The former turns to me, fumbling for her maid's dress. It's not on her, at the moment! She does have undergarments, though. The black kind with a ton of crap that goes with it. I dunno what you call it, black lace straps and stuff!

"Wh-wha…" She glares at me. "Damn it, Hana. Is it good, out there?"

Ha-chan shakes her head. "No. Kaboomies."

"Ah." Shrugging, Komi drops the dress and flops onto the bed. "Get that guy out of here. I'm going to bed."

I dunno what time of day it is, so I dunno if I can judge her for that, or not. The fairies on the adjacent bed are fully dressed and playing rock-paper-scissors.

Maple pouted. "How do you always win, Door-chan?"

Door-chan. That's it, who the fuck is this clown named Door-chan!?

I walk up to the other brown-haired fairy maid. It was short and bobby, like that one black-haired fairy maid who fell on her butt earlier. "You. What kinda freakin' name is Door-chan!?"

...She frowns at me. "Well, if you wanna know, buddy, it's Doormanjaheim. I'm a former night fairy, you know."

Nope! "What kinda name is Doormanjaheim!?" Dark fairies are equally curiously named!

Maple- or Mapleweather, rather- turns to me. "Geez, Brad. Your name was Brad, right? What did Door-chan do to you?"

I hold my arms up. "Nothin'! It's just, some of you guys got really apt names…!"

Glaring at me, the brown-haired night fairy seethes. "What are you trying to say?" Door-chan's hand flexes, and- hoh, shit! The table, it's ali~ve!

Running behind Komi's bed, she looks up at me from under her covers. "What the hell… I said-"

Her bed rocks as the table from across the room starts climbing onto it. She turns to face it, eyes widening. "What the fuck!?"

"We're under attack!" I inform her! I take the pillow from under her head, and use it to whack the table. It's about as useless as expected!

Komi starts fighting the table. "Door-chan, you prick!"

Door-chan grimaced. "So-sorry, Komi-chan. That stupid boy insulted my full header."

...Blinking, Komi turned to me. "Wow. Douche."

Your full what!?

Ha-chan shook her head at me. "You should be nice, Brad-kun."

What'd I do!? Aaa~h, aaa~h!

I put my arms up. "I dunno what I did, but I'm sorry, yo!"

Door-chan folds her arms. "Fine. Let me ask you this, however…" She stomps towards me.

Oh, boy…

She grabs my chin with a gloved hand- nice gloved hands, by the way- and forces me to look her in the eyes. "What is Maple-chan to you?"

...Wat. "Whaddaya mean?"

"Do you lust after her heart?" She narrows her eyes. "Maple-chan would wither at your grasp."

...Wait, is that…? "Yo, no. I am loyal to Ha-chan!" I guess. It makes a good counter-argument, here.

Ha-chan nods. "Yeah!"

Door-chan's eyes widen. "That's even worse! Innocent Ha-chan!?"

Oh. Good.

"We-well, Maple-chan is my woman, there!" Door-chan up and grabs my collar. "An-and… and if you're out to corrupt her, this might be all for you…"

Ahaha… help, Ha-chan. I turn to my fairy friend, and smile sheepishly.

Ha-chan wags her finger. "Now, now, Door-chan. Brad-kun just wants to- ahn!" She gets bowled over by a tiny end table.

Whelp.

...The end table begins hobbling towards me!

"Now- now wait a minute, miss!" I hold my arm up! "I didn't even kiss her! I want no trouble witcha!"

Her eyes flared. "You kissed her!?"

You dense fuck!

The end table and larger table begin hovering in the air, a brown aura surrounding them.

Let go of me, yo…! "He-hey, look, I know I don't know ya, but-"

"Shut up!" She barks at me. "I'll kill you!"

"Let me ask one favor of you!" I stare into her eyes.

"Fine." She grimaces, as the tables slowly hover towards us until they're like hugging us.

Slowly, I reach into my sack. She looks down at my hand, noticing me rummaging…

I brandish Escape Plan! "Just gimme three steps, yo! Three steps, towards the door!"

The tables attacked!

I end up getting flung back onto my ass by the aggressive coffee table. Scrambling away, I hobble up to the door of the long bedroom and swing it open, disregarding the smaller angry table. "C'mon, Ha-chan! We gotta book it!"

"Yeah!" She sprints towards the door on the far side of the room, and uses that one instead.

We enter the same hallway. I pick the direction Ha-chan runs in, 'cause she sure as hell didn't bother to check my direction!

"Get back here, swine!" Door-chan politely beckons me to stay, but I'd really rather not!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: REIMU HAKUREI'S PERSPECTIVE ====

Meiling isn't even at the gate, today. This thing still is, though...

"hi friend" The fluffle at the stand greets me. "how are you"

Hmm. "Fine, I guess."

"can we snuggle" It holds up those little fin things it has.

"No." Stupid. All that does is piss me off, because I know these things are a lot more vicious than they make themselves out to be…

"aww" It appears crestfallen.

Still, "What's for sale?"

It smiles. "here, friend" It spreads out a myriad of Yin-Yang orb bags…

It's a pretty big issue how it has some of everyone's weapons. I don't know if they can use them, though…

"look" It looked, itself. "and find out"

Wait… "Find out what?"

Its smile fades. "...find out"

...Okay.

Each bag is slightly open on the top, allowing me to peer inside and see the colorful orbs. Some are simply Yin-Yang orbs with their colors switched, while others are various kinds of round designs…

I point at the black, sparkly ones. "These, what do they do?"

Its shell nose opened. "Cosmic Pulse Yin-yang Orbs! they sometimes cast Pulsar or Pulse when they collide with a target; they disable the use of Hakurei powers and all Hakurei spell cards are only functional as danmaku; gives the user fifty percent dark resistance"

...Disables Hakurei powers, huh. How about I don't buy that?

Instead, I point at these yellow and blue ones, with the typical Yin-Yang design. "These."

The fluffle continued. "Yin-Yang Orbs From the North! allows the user to cast Thunder and Blizzard and allows the user to imbue the orbs with electricity or ice elemental affinities; they make the user immune to freezing"

That sounds alright… "How much?"

"seventy five thousand yen"

...I might as well buy a sword collection just to chuck at people, for that price. "See ya."

"honh honh honh"

I continue towards the mansion. The gate stands in my way, however. Walking up to it, I begin pushing…

Truth be told, I'm not strong enough to open it. No human really is… but there is a way…

If you pull on it, and sort of… it's weird, but you have to tug to the back and right a bit, at this angle...

Click!

The gate begins opening outward, a faint blue glow enveloping it.

I think Patchouli did that enchantment. I didn't tell Marisa about it, for obvious reasons. She knows how to fly over the wall in her own way, anyway.

From here, I move through the courtyard. That fountain in the center always looked really nice. That, and there was always a sort of grand feeling when I walked up to… the...

The front door is missing.

I'm going to assume Marisa didn't do a very good job of checking the place over.

Continuing into the open lobby, I saw no fairies bustling about as usual. The lobby was kinda scuffed up, some smashed vases, but other parts of it are fine. I'm not sure if fluffles-

"Waaa~l!"

From beyond the upper floor corridor's edges, fluffles slinked out. They held large lances, and had bat wings. Long, grey appendages helped them hold the pink lances while looking menacing.

Well, as menacing as they could look with those little fluffy faces. Their posture reminded me of those things with dark broadswords, during the rainstorm…

They vanish into the air. Wind whirls as they disappear, and that wind slowly flows into me, whirling around my form…

Ah. I know how this'll end.

Accelerating abruptly, I zoom forward, intent on speeding through the hall to my right-

Thwash! Thwash!

The two lancers strike the floor behind me, their spears embedded in the floor.

"Gotcha!" Turning around, I maximize my stock Yin-Yang orbs, and send them hurtling at the fluffles.

They look up at the orbs. It's kind of too bad that their faces don't emote at all.

"Waaa~l!"

Bam! Bam!

They go flying through the air, doing cartwheels as if they were towels hit by particularly strong winds. The manner in which they did so was completely contradictory to the way the orbs hit them.

What are these things?

Then, one of them flickered out.

Where…!? I have to guard…!

I made the mistake of guarding forward. The fluffle reappears behind me, and swings wide. "Guh…" I'm sent flying forward. The other lancer recovers on a dime, and moves to impale me, but I float to the side abruptly.

As it passes, I use my gohei to get a cheap strike in.

Thwack!

The fluffle is knocked from its grey appendages, and flops to the floor. Before it escapes, I come down on it and crush it under my sandals.

It vaporizes into dust.

My sense of danger arises, and I begin running forward. That other lancer is probably-

"Augh!?" It hits me with a wide swing, again. Ugh… It's a good thing these things aren't meant for cutting...

Brandishing my ofuda, I turn around and toss them. The fluffle makes no attempt to avert them.

Slap! Slap! Slap!

The fluffle is knocked from the grey appendages by my ofuda, but they don't activate. Apparently they're not relevant to light or dark, then. How… bizarre.

"Waaa~l!" It gets up, and scurries away before I can even think about stomping it. Darn…

...So, yeah. Fluffles, I guess.

Boom!

The mansion shakes. That can't be good.

Patchouli's place should be down the left hall, since I'm in the foyer. She'd never abandon that place for anything.

Wa-wait… my side…

It's bleeding. Those lances were sharper than I thought, then… I mean, it's not excessive bleeding. That's going to suck, though. Plus, my outfit's cut, now…

U~gh. This incident is so stupid.

Walking down the hallway-

"Evil table people!" A cyan-haired fairy maid dashes down the hallway. Brad is behind her, running inefficiently with a mint green plant hanger in hand. Behind him, two angry tables bounced along, a coffee table and an end table.

"Reimu, help!" He calls out for me as he passes, giving the gash on my side a glance. "The tables have turned!"

Of course they have.

The tables stop pursuing him, and home in on me indiscriminately.

I summon a barrier, so I can think about what I want to do with them. "Cautionary Barrier!"

Ti-ting!

The aggressive tables bounce off of the flat, square barrier before me.

Next, I summon my orbs. "Tables, meet orbs."

My orbs go to greet them.

Crack! Crack!

The table parts clattered on the carpet floor, the orbs passing through their, uhm, beings. Because tables have those now.

...Brad cheers. "Duhuhu~de! You freakin' smooshed'em!"

That cyan fairy comes up to beam at me. "Reimu~! You did it! You stopped the table people!"

I'm pretty sure there are more problems going on here than table people. Why did Marisa bring Brad here, anyway…? Those lancers would have killed him pretty easily.

He looks down at the gash on my side, again. "...The frik happened ta you?"

Boom!

The mansion's being blown up from the inside-out, apparently, too.

"Something like that." Essentially.

He snorts, slowly grinning.

A brown-haired fairy with this bob haircut floats up, leering down at us. "Stand aside, Hakurei miko! I have a score to settle with those two, for they've insulted my header!"

Why's a night fairy here? I guess Remilia's been hiring those, now.

"Can we not do this?" Please? "Your mansion's under attack, and everything…"

The fairy's eyes widen. "Yo-you dare…!?"

Yeah, about what I expected.

"Perish!" She throws her arms forward.

The portraits on the wall of Remilia come to life, and hover towards me menacingly.

Time to show off and watch Brad freak out…

As they close in on me, I focus on the space behind the fairy. Manipulating borders and stuff isn't really my thing, but moving myself is always fun. Stepping backwards, I close my eyes, and feel Gensokyo's barrier churn for me. You know that feeling, when you stand on a large, spinning disc's edge, and get repositioned? I mean, probably not, but it's kind of like that. When I do this, I disappear and reappear almost instantly, because I'm simply reassigning my position within Gensokyo's barrier within a short distance. I use the barrier as a concrete position, and then I use it to grab the correct ambient mana to switch with.

When I open my eyes, I'm behind the fairy.

"...What?" The fairy blandly asks, looking around.

Casually, I raise my gohei…

Thwack!

"Ouch!" She grabs her head. "When did-"

Thwack!

"Hngh…" She has tears in her eyes now. "I-I'm sorry! Stop!"

Alright. I lower my gohei.

The paintings fall to the floor.

As I expected, Brad is hyped. "Yo~. Freakin' used warp on her, dude…!"

"That was cool!" So is that fairy.

Something felt weird, when I did my teleport…

Brad grinned widely. "Ya gotta teach me to teleport for Christmas, yo. The things I could do…!"

For what, now? Anyway, when I teleported…

"Me too!" That fairy got close to my face, smiling. "Teach me, Reimu!"

"No." I think I know what I felt when I changed my position. Can I… change it? Let's see… if I-

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: BRAD'S PERSPECTIVE ====

That was freakin' weird, yo… Reimu just suddenly looked at me, and then I felt weird. No, she didn't gimme a boner, it was just, like, weird…

She notices my discomfort. "...Did something change for you?"

Daa~h… "I felt weird for a moment, yeah!"

...She focused on me again, and-

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: REIMU'S PERSPECTIVE ====

There it is again. Brad blinked rapidly, holding his head. "What the frik…"

Nothing appears to change. For all I know, I'm screwing with a boundary I shouldn't even have jurisdiction over… or it's some useless function Yukari left in the barrier. Whatever.

"Get outta the wa~y!"

Ah…!?

Brad, that fairy, and I all got out of the way as Marisa rocketed by, Sanae holding onto her for dear life.

Pi~chun! That table fairy didn't even have time to react.

"Reimu~!" She cried out for me, her voice fading out as she soared down the hallway.

"Rraa~gh!" Flandre's immense, glowing presence ripped past me, my attire flailing in the wind she left behind hit me. So bright...

...Guess that's what Marisa's been doing, then.

"Heal!"

Ah- hey!

Kasen surprises me, pressing an arm to my side. I- ah…

She runs off before I can even interrogate her properly. By the time the drowsiness from her healing spell wore off, she was too far gone. I wasn't going to be catching up with Marisa, either…

Brad smirks at me. "Feels good, doesn't it?"

"...Yeah." I have to agree. Healing spells always feel nice. I'd like to know why healers don't just cast them on themselves, all day. It might be the mana consumption.

"Ha-chan here has been leadin' me around, tryin'a find friends." He points at the fairy.

She smiles at me. "We found some! Then we got attacked by tables!"

Turning to him, I give him a dry stare. "...You can't even make friends with furniture?"

He shakes his head. "Nope. Even the furniture is pissed, yo. Accidentally'd their chair brethren, and they just had enough, yo. They uprose!"

...I think Flandre being upset is probably the bigger issue here, now. Before Brad or his fairy- Ha-chan, whoever- goes on a tirade, I interject, "We should visit Flandre's room. Since she's upset, there might be something there to calm her down."

...Nodding, he agrees with a smile. "Sounds good. Find her a stuffed fluffle to snuggle, or something…"

Are they not already stuffed?

"Why~?" Ha-whoever whines. "I wanted to find more friends…!"

"We gotta stop Flandre from blowin' up our friends!" Brad threw his arms into the air, getting excited. "...We gotta stop her from makin' our friends not be things that exist!"

With a face of pseudo-seriousness, the cyan-haired fairy nods. "Mmm! I get you, Brad-kun! Should we try the bath tub plan again?"

The what plan.

...I turn to him. He's making a very enthused expression. "I don't know! That didn't go so well last time, yo…! Like, just a little!"

She pouted. "...O~kay…"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

END OF CHAPTER 45

PERSPECTIVE HOLDER: Reimu Hakurei, the Shrine Maiden of Paradise

PRIMARY WEAPON: Hakurei Yin-yang Orbs - Reimu's traditional yin-yang orbs which accent her holy abilities by boosting the power of holy attacks. Has a black-white color scheme. Known throughout Gensokyo as pain incarnate.

INVENTORY:

Bloodbath Yin-yang Orbs - Boosts attack power, and allows collection of blood to increase attack power up to 70% temporarily, affecting speed, power, and bullet density of danmaku. Non-elemental in nature, but has the uncanny effect of inflicting bleeding with ease, as if it had insane friction for some reason. Sports a red-purple color scheme.

Elementalist Yin-yang Orbs - Inflicts random minor status effects on targets. Magically formed orbs shatter on impact with a target, dealing pure elemental magical damage of either thunder, fire, or frost. Can inflict drowsiness, insomnia, weak poison, colds, sleep in combination with zapping, freezing, or ignition. No physical damage.

Headless Horseman's Many Heads - Summonable jack-o-lanterns that explode into flames upon collision with opponents. Extremely low physical damage.

PARTY:

Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Fairy Slayer, Accidental Human Slayer, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Village Liberator, Eientei Crucible, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine, Sky Climber, Amateur Espionage Practitioner, Illegal Fairy Harborer, Holder of Too Many Titles.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Tundra Bloomer - A earth-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock; has a flower curved around the hilt. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. Allows casting of Gaia Seed. Casts Tundra, a weak spike of ice!

INVENTORY: Youkai Inconveniencer - Apparently a semi-crux to youkai and undead via a holy spell and being naturally strong against them, but it doesn't sound particularly efficient. Most respectable youkai seem to only be momentarily stunned, and anything without visual receptors or possibly a pair of sunglasses would probably be immune. Acts as a flashlight via candles. Converted to a flail with cross necklaces! Can cast Shine.

Fairy Harp - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can create small compressed air blasts. By the addition of a steel block, it gained enhanced striking power and weight, along with increased ability to channel magic into any sort of special effects it has. Sparkles in the light due to fairy dust, able to reduce the accuracy of weak, biological enemies by irritating their senses with the dust. Can play beautiful, flat-tone musi~c!

Flame Salvo - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Enchanted to have an incendiary effect upon sufficient striking force, or sufficient velocity. Good for burning stuff and people! Boosts fire abilities, allows physical strikes to do fire damage. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Has a flamethrower nozzle. Can cast Fume, has Flamethrower Plus!

Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.

Deep Blue - A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Enchanted to constantly produce fresh water. Boosts abilities of water-based attacks and allows physical attacks to deal water damage. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Sharper Than Darkness - A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon style, with increased bleeding but fighting power being the main attributes. Can cast Revenge, a dark spell which has more extreme proportions of the weapon's innate attributes. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to give it an extra deadly edge in combat.

Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.

The Escape Plan - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, and a gift from Flandre Scarlet. Has an obsolete map out of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Has various negatives mentioned in earlier inventory summarizations…

Market Gardener - Critical hits during blast jumps! Otherwise, it's just a normal, old plant hanger. Named after a very similar shovel…!

Holy Talismans - Provides a holy upgrade and elemental shift to a weapon of choice!

Electric Talismans - Provides an electric upgrade and elemental shift to a weapon of choice!

NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please.

NERF longsword - 'CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals'… you know what that means!

Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! 75% time resistance on equip. Voice, face, and height specifications not included!

Monk Robes - Wear to become a Buddhist! Actually pretty comfy…!

Butterfly Dream Pills - Makes you dream of being a beautiful butterfly!... now, if only there was a pill for lucid or wet dreams, and then I'd consider Yagokoro the doctor to end all doctors!

Remilia Scarlet Disguise - Wearing this as a tall manchild's probably not doing anyone with eyes any favors. Has resistances of sorts, but I'm not in a big fat hurry to find out…

A Wiffle Duster - For shoving up people's rectums.

Hana, the Generic Fairy Maid with a Stalking Fixation - A cyan-haired fairy maid from the Scarlet Devil Mansion with a record for stalking. Can shoot cyan-orbs, and is actually vaguely electric elemental. Healed by electricity, takes extra damage from Earth-based attacks.

PRIMARY WEAPON: A little cyan orb that floats! - Minor electrical damage! Is danmaku.

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

reimu hakurei

anyway yeah welcome to the POST-ANNIVERSARY BATCH where i am once again not inflicted with crippling self-doubt any longer

this will last for all of about two or three days and then i will once again be under the curse of crippling self-doubt

but it's a GOOD KIND OF CRIPPLING, the kind that makes you look back and change whatcha've done if you screwed up, or to just go back and revise stuff sometimes and make sure it's spic'n'span

it might also be the type that makes you overthink but with that amount of time i also spend not writing i don't think i have to worry about that

i usually never think about characterization, in the stressful sense, anyway; that's one of the parts i take the most joy in

i've been trying to make my prose a tad meatier as of late; prior, in a 6.5 inch google docs document i'd be barely scrapin' two lines w' most 'a my dialogue and interactions; i'm tryina avert that with a tad more description and a tad more descriptive prose as opposed to just talkin' and reactions (although if you're here you're probably moreso here for the latter- i am too, typically)

college also makes this take awhile but y'know if all goes well then i'll be able to better spend my days writing shitty fanfiction and at the end of the day that's all i really want

that and a good VR headset, that stuff's really pickin' up, ah? imagine a like, touhou VR RPG with sim date stuff and freakin', yo… or at least a 3D touhou RPG, that'd be fun too

MMORPG would be fun but probably too much, and would probably go the grindy way of all MMOs

reimu: where the FUCK ARE ALL THESE OUTSIDERS COMING FROM

anyway yeah

also yes that "three steps towards the door" line was a reference to Gimme Three Steps by Lynyrd Skynyrd. wat a freakin' name… linerd skinnerd l :3

as always, see you all next time!