(in which we make an ice friend)

Fluffbrand cereal…

Actually, no. You know what I hate most about fire, other than the 'all encompassing destruction and pain' part? The fact it only warms up one side of you. I gotta like… slowly roast myself just ta be able to freakin' be all warm!

"So, Patchy…" I address the nearby fluff mage!

"Mmm?" She's no longer angry that I call her that! That, or she's just resigned herself knowin' she can't stop me.

"I made a deal with Yukari. Am I stupid?" I begin speaking about my desired topic!

"Yes." She doesn't bother to glance at me from the fire. "Both before and after." Awwh.

...Once I am adequately heated up, I contemplate using my legs to go places. "...Say, Patchy…"

"No." She refuses to say.

"Freakin'- yo, how hard would it to make heated clothing?" I would be able to go a bajillion more places a bajillion times faster if I was a bajillion times warmer. I mean, a few times warmer. I'd probably vaporize at the former number…

"Not hard at all." Patchy shrugged. "Alice would be better at that than I, however. Or anyone else who specializes in enchantments. While I could do it…" She looks around the library's frozen interior. "...I'd really rather not. I might make some for myself, however."

What. No~. Oh, well… I guess I'll go bug u~h… Byakuren does enchantments, and I didn't bug the shit outta her like I've done Alice already. Alice is a cool cat and I like that and all, but I'm pretty sure she's going to start asking for actual payment if I keep hanging around her. One of these days, I've gotta bring her like, thirty frying pans. Maybe then she'll make me free stuff!

I turn to Patchy. "How often are frying pans used in Gensokyo?"

...She stares at me dryly. "I'm terrified at what train of logic might've brought you there."

Freakin'... "The Yukari train, yo."

Patchouli snorted. "...That would be apt, wouldn't it?"

Koakuma smiled at me. "Y'know Brad, if you wanna stay warm, we could always…" She seems to be thinking this one through! "...cuddle?" She smiles innocently.

I raise a finger. "Ten points for trying!" With that, I get up. As fun as it would be getting my soul ripped from the skoolatoon inside of me by a sexy she-devil, I don't think I have enough reasons to die yet!

"Y'know, guy, that's not a bad deal. If ya got instant death resist on, anyway."

Oh, shit, that works? Hu~h. I might have to exchange some words with Komachi...

Wait, who… said that?

I turn, and there's a Mima.

Idly, I look to my sides, and see many, many tomes, open, primed, and aimed at her.

"What are you doing here?" Patchouli keeps her relaxed stance by the fire, but sounds anything but.

"Aa~h… taking a break from being all pissed off." Mima shrugged. "I mean, I'm kinda more pissed at someone else right now. I'm still pissed at you for not giving me this library, though."

Patchouli narrowed her eyes.

"By the way? Love what you've done with the place." Mima grins widely. "Seriously, everything's ice! That's so cool!"

Mima, kill yourself. Oh, wait…

...Yeah that joke was coming from miles, yo.

"That's a great way of keeping mortals out of your shit. If you can go through walls and crap, I mean." Then, her voice takes a mocking tone, as she pointed a finger at Patchy. "But yo~u can't do that, 'cause you're mo~rtal."

"...I'd rather stay mortal, too." Patchy wants this conversation to die.

Mima rolls her eyes. "Missing the bigger picture, here. Reminds me of some other stupid fucking twat who also doesn't see the bigger damned picture…" Her form flares as her attitude flares, making her appear brighter for a moment.

I raise a finger! "You mean Marisa?"

...She stares at me dryly. "You're as tactful as a box of rocks, kid."

You're one to talk, goin' off and droppin' the F-bomb aggressively on us here!

Patchy snorts. "...Are you here because we both hold Marisa in contempt?"

Mima shakes her head. "No, I'm here because fluffles are fu-..." She takes a deep breath. "Fluffles suck. They can't do anything right, and they always gotta be ironic and get their little fluffy faces in everything."

Aww! "That sounds soft, friend…"

...I receive yet another dry stare. "Like, they're more into climbing into trees and looking adorable while they kill the ecosystem one at a time, than they are making war machines."

Hoo~h, that was a long sentence. Guess that's the perk 'a not havin' lungs anymore!

...Patchy raised a brow. "War machines?"

"Yeah." Mima nodded. "The piston walkers, the big fuckin' blizzard wireframe things, the u~hm…" She paused. "There was this tank, I dunno if they're still makin' it. Then there was that really big thing with like… You see this library? The thing could clear it in seconds. Man, if I knew how to work some of the stuff they had…" With that, she shook her head. "If only they could make sense."

...Patchouli furrowed her brows. "Did you see anything about lances? Or red pots?"

Mima nodded. "Oh, yeah. I brought those guys with me."

"Get out." Patchouli glared at her.

"Aa~h. what!? I said I liked what ya did with the place!" Mima grinned widely. "Can't ya take a compliment, softy?"

Fwoosh. A fireball soared over her head, singeing her ethereal hat.

Mima ducked into the floor, like a freakin' noob.

"Hehehe~!" Her giggle was heard throughout the library as she split.

"..." Patchouli frowned, relaxing again. "Koakuma, fetch me some tea."

Koakuma rolled her eyes. "You just want me to go away, don't you?"

"Actually, I just wanted you to waste an hour thinking about how you'd go about defrosting tea and promptly boiling it." Patchouli shrugged. "...You're a lot more useful when you're not succumbing to your primal urges."

Koakuma pats herself. "C'mo~n! The last time I fucked a guy, I was still in Makai!"

...Idea. I could bring her a guy to consume. That'd get her off my back, potentially… 'cause I'm not entrusting her to avoid eatin' me. That's not gonna happen, yo.

I dunno. Maybe it could be Fred. Freakin' Fred…

"That last time I held a solid conversation with you…" Patchouli trailed off. "Nevermind."

Koakuma grinned. "It was that conversation about erotic literature. I never knew you were into-"

Patchy snapped her fingers.

Fwi-shwo-ti~ng!

Prisms formed around Koakuma, as her form glowed a pale, pastel blue. She opened her mouth, but no words came out.

...After realizing she was silenced, Koakuma stuck up her middle finger.

"...I'd rather you didn't provoke one of the many resident buffoons." Patchy sighed.

Awwh. Guess we'll never know what her fetish is, yo. I wanted to be provoked, too.

Standing up, Koakuma gestured to her boobs, before grabbing her crotch and humping the air.

"...I don't follow, but I like it anyway!" I give her a thumbs up! Lewd charades are best charades.

Patchy giggles. "Al-alright, Koakuma, I still need that tea…"

Deflating and slouching her shoulders, Koakuma proceeds to stomp off in pursuit of the frozen tea.

"You don't happen to know anything about that latest visit, do you?" Patchy turned to me, eyebrow raised.

I shake my head. "No~pe. Still thought she was living with the aborigines."

She blinked. "That's not how that word works."

"I know." I nod warmly…

"...Right." With that, she begins floating away, as cuddle mages do. "I'll be enchanting some of my clothing, now."

Honh.

As fun as it is watching this desk burn out, I think I'm gonna go…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Outside, it's chilly.

Mima is leaning against the wall where Meiling normally is. "Geez. Stiffer than the stiffs back home, right?"

"You'd be surprised, yo." Hohoho~...

She rolls her eyes. "Ri~ght. Well- anyway, listen here… Marisa- didn't she piss you off that one time?"

Eeh. Not… really? More like I pissed her off. "Yep. Blood enemies, yo. Blood."

"Oh, wow. Sorry to hear that." She keeps her expression neutral. "Listen, you wanna be a magician, ri~ght?"

I shake my head.

...She double-takes, before adopting a sardonic, tired look. "Wh-what… what the hell do you want to be, then?"

"Jocker class, yo." I nod in satisfaction.

Mima sighs. "Okay, well, I can do that for ya."

Oh, sure. Yeah. Friend, you have 'evil bastard' written all over your face.

"All you gotta do, is help me out a little, yeah?" She smiles, before-

Poof!

A contract is held before me. The writing on it is in freakin' Japanese. A quill pen's poofed into existence, too.

"All you gotta do is sign, and follow some orders." She smirked. "No big deal, right?"

I stare at her frankly.

"im softable…" The fluffle nearby is soft.

Mima glances at it idly, before glancing back at me.

Grinning, I throw my arms up. "Do I look like I was born yesterday?"

Snorting, she seems to have anticipated that. "Yes. Oh, we~ll. I'm sure we can form an… informal arrangement, right?" She flicks her hand, and it lights up with a spark of purple light for only a moment. The contract and pen vaporize into magical dust, which quickly glitters out of existence.

I zip my mouth with a hand motion to show I mean business!

"C'mo~n." Mima holds out her arms. "What's it you want? Kool-aid? Pretty women? Power? Revenge?"

Yes, yo! Vengeance for the tiny friends!

I begin casually strutting away from her, intent on walking the lakeside… 'cause all things considered, making a deal with someone fucking obviously evil is probably going to get me on shitlists, if not shat on immediately.

...She drifts along with me, her smile looking more and more forced. "Seriously. I don't just offer any asshole this shit. You're obviously special, or something."

Yeah, yo. Specially selected to get maimed. No thanks, yo.

I keep walkin'.

"Alright." Mima began floating away. "Fuck you."

Oh. S'it… s'it that easy? For some reason, I feel like, uh...

She's gone. Freakin' floated through the trees and every-

"Submit!"

Ho~h, shit! I kinda sorta knew it!

With a lunging swipe from like halfway across the freakin' world, Mima's arm passed through my form. Then, she flickered out…

Wh-what the fuck'd she do!? I~... don't feel any different.

My left arm raises on its own, hanging on the air like I was tryin'a do the robot.

...This might be a problem.

"Holy shit…" I didn't mean to say that! "You're scrawnier than I thought, kid…" My arms move to lift my shirt, exposing my stomach to the cold air. "Dude, I can see your ribcage!"

I know I can see my ribcage! I've seen it a lot! "Freakin', waddaya doin' in me!?" I am not okay with bodily possession!

"Checking your stats and shit." With that justification, she lets my shirt fall, and gives me control of my arms again. "Damn. You're like, ten times worse than Marisa was…"

Son. "I come from a different time, yo."

"Yeah, yeah. Th-the outside's full of shitheads like you, I know." She stammers with my voice. "...Damn, you really don't do well with 'T H' sounds." My eyes make a jeering expression.

I throw my arms up exaggeratedly. "What can I say, yo. I was born a lunatic."

She throws my arms down. "Stop doing that. You're not being funny."

Freakin'...! "No, yo! My arms are mine!" I throw them up again! "I can throw them however I want!"

She throws- woah! My legs almost freakin' buckled from her throwing my arms down. "I said stop doing that." Woah. That's a lot more power than my voice usually holds! I actually sounded like a serious person, there!

...She notices it, too. "Hey, hey…" I grin involuntarily. She points my arm at a tree. "You! You have lost!"

Yo ho ho!

"Kneel!" She makes me snap my fingers.

Fwooaa~m!

A large sphere of darkness envelopes a tree, shimmering as if stars were inside. Once it fully expanded over the tree-

Bam! The tree was flattened.

"Ho~h, shit…" I blink at the spectacle. "That sure as hell wasn't my mana!"

"No shit." She replies to me through myself. "How are you not dead?"

"Magic." As cliche as that response was, I think it fit!

Bam! I punch myself in the face. Freakin'...

"Don't do that, either." Mima, stop bein' a teacher person. Infact-

I hear someone touch down on the forest floor. O~h boy...

"Hey!" It-it'sa Cirno! "Bushy hair person!" Hey, wait a moment, now…

...Mima doesn't turn me to face her. Instead, we continue to walk forward, progressing towards the edge of the Misty Lake ahead. It's actually kinda sunny, right now, but the light's not blinding me, thankfully. It's a good view!

I hear someone else drift down. "Uh-uhm… his name's Brad…" See? Daiyousei ain't freakin' brain dead.

"Oh." Cirno nods. "Brett!" You're shot, kid…

Mima snorts through my nose. Is she fighting a grin with my face? Well, I'll do her one better, and make myself grin! A~nd… then she makes me frown.

"Brett! Eye need you to listen to me!" Cirno yells despite being a few feet behind me, probably. "Eye want you to help me find Hana! She said she was gonna teach me how to be a villain number one some day, and that day is today!"

...I don't wanna know.

"None of that matters, now." Mima barks through my voice, some of her own echoing out for effect, probably.

I can't see the fairies reactions, sadly…

"...Look at this tiny place." Mima folds my arms. "To the heart seeking freedom… this land is a prison. An all encompassing prison of boundaries."

"Br-Brad?" Daiyousei stammers.

"And so this boy sought out to escape this prison…" Mima makes my face smug. "...and gave his soul to darkness."

That darky darks of darkness, yo! Anything but the ambiguous darkness!

Mima makes me turn around, and my body floats into the- wo-woah…

Everything goes blurry for a few moments. My heart skips a beat-

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: CIRNO'S PERSPECTIVE ====

Woah! His hair's all like, green now, and stuff!

"Ci-Cirno-cha~n!" Dai-chan gets all up next to me and stuff, scared. "I-I think Brad's possessed!"

Pffft. "You know possessings aren't real, Dai-chan! Eye bet Brett's just going through… uhm, what did they call it…" Eno? Emo? Somethin' like that...

Brett claps his hand together, and something goes over my head, but I missed it. It was loud, though!

"A-aa~h!" Dai-chan wails, and- hey!

"Sto-stop messing with my bow…!" It-it's embarrassing! I like that bow! "Dai-chan, stop!"

"It-it was on fire…" Pullin' back her hands, Dai-chan looks like she's about to cry...

...Oh. Ey-Eye think Eye made her upset...

"That's okay, Dai-chan!" Eye give her a thumbs up! "Eye like being on fire!" If it keeps you from crying, Dai-chan!

"O-okay…?" Yeah! All better!

"Brad-kun!"

Oh! There's Hana! "Hana~!"

She ignores me, though. She flies up to Brett, 'n' stands right up in his face.

"Don't bother." Brett's voice does that creepy echo and stuff. "Your voice can no longer reach him where he is. His heart belongs again to darkness!"

...Okay, Eye thought he was just playin', but now he's talking about the darkness. He's serious.

"...Br-Brad-kun?" Hana backs away slowly…

"All worlds begin in darkness, and all so end. The heart is no different." He holds his hands out, like he's having fun! Eye dunno what all that stupid stuff about hearts is- but darkness… hehehe- no. That stuff's bad.

He holds 'em up higher! "Darkness sprouts within it. Grows! Consumes it! Such is its nature."

"...Yo-you're… What have you done with Brad-kun!?" Yowza! Hana's hands are all static-y!

"Ci-Cirno-chan…" Dai-chan grabs my hand. "We-we've got to run!"

Hana turns around. "Guys, guys, guys… If you help me, I'll share some, uhm… wine from the mansion!"

Dai-chan's eyes light up. "We've got to help her, Cirno-chan!"

...What's so great about some stinky old wine? But, Eye finally get to fight Brett now!

Brett's eyes flare. "...One of you here is older than I am." Stretchin' his arms out like he's about to flop on a really nice bed- woah! A big fluffle thing floated up behind his back, and it's really mean looking! "And yet you're still so weak and stupid!"

Dai-chan fidgets… it's kinda cute!

"Only the strong survive!" Brett yells as he folds his arms. That floating half of a fluffle behind him spins out, and- woah, wow wow! Dai-chan and me and Hana and- no one else actually- we all get outta the way of a buncha skin-colored danmaku!

"Here!" Ha-chan sends a jolt of electricity at him!

Zap!

"Hn~h…" Brett flinches back smoothly, not lookin' really bothered. "You insolent little…"

Dai-chan moves ahead of Hana and me, and folds her wings out ta protect herself. "Ge-get behind me!"

"Submit!" Brett's fist becomes covered in purple stuff, and he goes to punch Dai-chan, but-

Cli~ng!

"What!?" Brett's eyes widen! Dai-chan blocked his punch!

Dai-chan then leapt up like a real villain number one, and slapped him with her wings!

Ti-ti-ti-tick!

"Achoo!" Hahaha! Brett sneezed! "How-how did- achoo!" Hahaha!

Zap! Ha-chan zapped him again!

"Hngh…" Brett winces, hugging himself like a big baby.

I should beat him up, too! If we're not gonna use danmaku, then I can use my super cool awesome sword! Summoning my Super Ice Sword, I leap at him! "Hra~h!"

"Come, guardian!" Brett holds his hand out, and the fluffle teleports in front of him!

Cli~ng!

It blocked me!? No!

Dai-chan slapped it with her wings…!

Cli~ng!

Noo~! Why can he block things!? That's not fair!

Hana zaps him again! Zap! "You-..." His face is getting red! Hehehe~!

Then, the whole clearing goes dark. Brett curls up into a ball, and starts floatin' closer to us... "My strength returns…" Woah! Now his hair's all long and glowy!

"Look out!" Dai-chan begins pulling me, and I fly with her…

Hana begins flying in the opposite direction, when-

"Ancient Volt Sign! Dark Thunder!" Brett's voice turns into a girl's voice, and then he gets out of his ball shape and does more stretches.

Thwam-thwam-thwam!

Ow ow ow ow! Th-that… that hu~rt!

Dai-chan fell over- Dai-chan fell over!? No, no, no! She can't fall over! "Dai-cha~n!"

Sweeping towards the floor, I save her from going splat on the rocks and stuff near the lake…

"Dai-cha~n!" Hana throws something into the air!

Green light envelops Dai-chan, and she quickly flies from my arms! "Thanks, Cirno-chan, Ha-chan!"

Brett furrowed his brows. "I-I didn't mean… to-to use thunder… she's- she's a thunder fairy…" Wiggling in place, he returned to folding his arms.

Hana pointed at him. "Get his bag!"

Responding to the call, Dai-chan swoops in-

Thwack!

"Noo~!" Dai-chan, how could you let him hit you like that!? She spiralled to the floor…

And now it's my turn! Floatin' in with my sword, Eye ready to slice-

Bam!

-Eye ready to drop the broken handle of my sword that he zapped to pieces, and grab the bag as I fly past!

"Bag accompiledish!" Eye tell Hana!

Hana flies up ta me, and Eye give it to her. She reaches inta it, lookin' for stuff, I think…

"Th-that's 'accomplished'..." Dai-chan corrects me from her crater in the floor.

...Hana pulled out a white and yellow thing! Raising it up high, she-

Fwa~sh!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: BRAD'S PERSPECTIVE ====

Oof!

Where the hell…

"My- my eyes…" Mima was out of me!

"Brad-ku~n!" Oof! I don't know where I even am, but people are bombarding me!

"A lady popped out of him!" Ah, good. What would I do without Cirno here…?

...My vision came back, and I found myself between a lake and some trees. Ha-chan was rubbing her cheek against mine, which was nice and everything… and off to the side, the two fairies were lookin' back and forth between Mima and myself.

Oh, hey! Ha-chan has the Youkai Inconveniencer equipped! Along with my stuffs…!

I've been saved from the ambiguous darkness! Yea~h!

"Damn it, damn it, damn it…" Mima rubbed her eyes aggressively, enough so to probably damage real eyes. "What the fuck was that!? Holy magic!?"

"Yes." Ha-chan was smug. "Take that, you big meanie!"

...Mima clutched her fists tightly. Bright blue magic began charging up in her arms… before it fizzled out. "You know what? Forget it. It's cool."

...Sighing, she turned around, adjusting her hat and drifting away.

"Raa~h!" She flung her arm to the side-

Bam! Boom! Blam! Boom!

...Multiple trees ahead of us in the woods fell. Magic particles whirled into the air, the blasts not even fire elemental or regular explosions. Je~sus.

Well, I'm glad Ha-chan apparently saved my ass. Next time I get possessed by the all-powerful ghost of a vengeful magical sorcerer girl, I should beat myself the fuck up with holy shit. I don't think Mima meant any real harm, but she seemed to get legit worked up at the end. Like, I remember her amusement changing to shouting midway through that.

That, and the whole body snatching wasn't cool. She freakin' put my mind on time-out!

...Daiyousei drifted towards us. "So, about, uhm…"

...Ha-chan peeled herself off of me. "Oh-oh, yeah. See ya, Brad-kun! Don't get possessed by ghosts while I go rai- share the wine stash!"

She musta conscripted the noobs! I feel so proud, yo. "Alright, Ha-chan. Ho ho!" I wave at her as she departs!

Now, to go to the temple…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Oo~h, I didn't make it to the temple…

...Reimu poked me with her gohei. "I wanna nap there. Get ou~t."

I was under the kotatsu. I'd ask her if she wanted to share, but I don't think that'd end well, so I'm just gonna pretend to be dead.

...

After a few moments, she grabbed my legs and began dragging me. I let her drag me along for a bit…

She slides the shrine door open, cold air rushing in.

"Yo, no!" I flail my arms. "Friend, please! I'm snuggly!"

Ignoring me, Reimu continues to drag me. No longer playin' nice, I begin to bend my legs and stuff, and holy shit she's got a good grip on me…

Whelp.

I am now outside in the cold.

She put my legs down. I clamped them around her left leg, nearly tripping her!

"Ah…" Hah! Her eyes widened, yo…

Bam!

"Gugh!" ...She fucking stomped my gut. With a sandal. Fuck.

The shrine door slid shut.

O-ow~...

After a few pained moments of trying to get up, I make my way back inside…

Reimu is now lying under the kotatsu, her eyes closed.

You know what? The shrine floor is fine, too.

Thud.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

"Aa~hn…" Eckh. Alcohol…

Whelp, I'm awake. Ha-chan's sprawled out on the shrine floor next to me, clothing disheveled and her face flushed. "...Pa-pash me…" Her arm twitched in her slumber.

...She's fookin' drunk off her ass.

I look over at the kotatsu.

Reimu's lying peacefully under it, still snoozing.

Awwh. I wanna, like, take a soft fluffle, and rest it gently atop her face. It'd be cuddly. I don't think she'd be happy, though… that, and I don't think there are any soft loaves of fluff around.

Sadly, she will have to be left alone, yo. She's a shrine maiden who loves to snooze.

Bam! The shrine door slams open.

"Rei~mu~!" Marisa hollers, taking a step in-

Bam! She was blown out the door by an expanded yin-yang orb.

"Gu~h…" Reimu groaned. "I hate noisy guests…"

I nod at her. "I hate alram clocks."

...She stares at me, slowly narrowing her eyes, mystified. "Al...ram clocks..."

Marisa stumbles into the door. "Go-god dammit, Reimu... wh-what'd ya have to go 'n' do that for…?"

Thud. She flopped to the floor once she got inside.

"Don't you mean 'alarm clocks'?" She questions my pronunciation!

I shake my head. "Alram clocks."

Unwilling to be riddled by my words, she lies back down. "I need more sleep…"

Don't we all, friend?

Anyway, I should probably get goin' to that temple now…

I open the shrine door, and it's still daytime outside, albeit barely. The land outside has a very nostalgia inducing blue glow to it, the kind that happens early in… November, I think? That'd make sense. If only Gensokyo had like, conventional calendars and stuff…

Oh, well. Someday I may rediscover foreign calendars!

I consider using the flail-o-copter, until a particularly chilly wind passes me by, convincing me to walk, instead…

Ah, good, the stairs are like, frozen solid again. I always wanted a concussion!

Unwilling to meticulously tap them all with Flame Salvo to thaw 'em, I decide to buttslide my way down, one step at a time!

Sitting down before the first step, I look down at the many steps and mentally lock up.

Freakin'... no. I'm goin', yo! My mental anti-virus ain't gonna stop me!

After tapping the stone path a bit, I push myself forward.

Yo~! Woa-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh…!

I gradually bump down the steps, progressing slowly. To slow myself, I was able to use my arms and legs to make my sliding posture more awkward and thus slower, so after awhile I eventually safely got to the bottom.

The only problem is that it was fucking cold at the bottom, and sliding on ice for a good three minutes didn't do me any favors!

"Brrh…" Shivering, I make for the nearest tree, ready to commit arson in the name of self-preservation.

Takin' Flame Salvo and some twigs I found, I channel mana into the hanger-

Fwoom!

Twig fi~re! Yeah! "And so mankind said, on the fifth day, that there was fire!" I declare my might against the wilderness! Fuck you, cold weather! I got flames! Mankind's first magic!

As I dance over the flame, however, it gets promptly blown out by a swift breeze, somehow. Even though it was literally like, an inferno.

Al~right, take two~... I channel my mana into the hanger-

Fwoom!

E~y.

...Woosh. That wind again…! It's comin' from like, my right, too! Freakin'-

...Oh.

I look up at a rather serene-looking woman. She's got pale white skin, long, flowing black hair, and a blue kimono on.

Her glass-like features give me a smile. "That is quite a predicament."

"Yeah. Yeah, uh, it is." I give her the most fake smile ever. Like, I stretch the shit outta my cheeks and everything. I'm onta you, icy.

"Would you like… to share?" Invitingly, glass-skin partially folds open her kimono, revealing chest bindings underneath, and pale skin. Her skin had, like… cyan blush to it.

I shake my head. "I hate sharing, friend. Give me your entire kimono, and we'll talk." Imagine the ice resistance on that.

...She reacts very strangely. There is no fluster, and there is no curiosity. Instead, she simply changes the topic. "We can warm up. Together."

I shake my finger. "Nope, nope. Heat is not a necessary luxury, yo. Little did you know, yo, the price 'a heat went up last year! That's why I stopped buying it awhile ago."

"Humans die from the cold." She states plainly, getting impatient.

I shake my head. "That's actually a myth."

...She tilts her head, smile unchanging.

"Y'see…" I start lookin' around and breathin' like I was about to tell an emotional story! "Back when-... back when I was a wee lad… I was left out in the cold…" I look down. "...I was left out in the cold, so long…"

Pointing Flame Salvo at the twigs, I reignite 'em!

Fwoom!

"I reinvented fire!" I give her a wi~de grin!

...She threw her arm to the side.

Fwish. The fire went out like a candle.

"There is no such thing as fire in this land." She begins floating towards me. "...Let me comfort you."

No such thing… as fire. Yep. Can't argue with that logic. Heard it here first, folks. No more fire in Gensokyo.

Also, no, yo. You're a noob. "Get away, noob. Back off." I point Flame Salvo at her. "I'll burn ya if you get too close, frosty!" A~nd I have my secret holy weapon!

She pauses. Okay, good, she's got some common sense…

"Our souls shall become entwined." Floating into the air, frosty blue energy begins pouring from her kimono… "And your heat, shall feed me. But do not be afraid. It comes in bliss, soft. Humans like soft." To emphasize her point, her chest bindings become undone, exposing her flat torso.

Then- what the fuck. Are they growing!? The shit is this!?

"...Are you human?" I ask her.

"No more than you." She continues floating into the air.

Whaddaya, fookin' stoopid!?

Alright. I'm just gonna walk away backwards. "Oh, good. I was worried you were a youkai for a moment there."

She giggles mechanically. "He, he, he. Of course. I need heat just like you."

Please, no.

As I walk away backwards, she slowly floats down towards me. "Let us bond."

"Nope." I shake my head. "You're gonna bone me, dude."

...She doesn't even reply to that, still progressin' towards me as slow as I walk. I wonder…

Shaking my head, I hold out my arms. "I'm gay, dude. You're gonna have to find another sexy mating person."

...Wow. She's not even, uh… huh. No response. Jesus. I'm talking to a freakin' moth!

So, yeah. We're walking backwards down the Hakurei path towards the village, and neither of us is making any progress towards besting the other, be it in wits or in eating my soul.

"Do you like fire?" I ask my new friend!

"There is no such thing as fire, in this land." She reassures me.

I nod. "Good, I'm glad. Fuck fire."

...Her smile widens. "I'm glad you feel that way. Let me hug you."

Pffft. "Hug? What, uh… what's that?"

Determined to make this conversation work, she actually explains it! "It is the action of embrace where one transfers the life energy to myself. It is intimate, and expresses deep affection amongst humans. All human males wish to hug me."

...Seems legit, son.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I pass the front gate of the human village with the yuki-onna following me.

After double-taking, the guard rubs his eyes.

I wave at him. "Hey. How's it goin'? See ya." Yeah, I don't have a lot of time to talk.

The yuki-onna ignores him entirely, because yeah. Why wouldn't she?

He calls out to me. "Hey! Do you- uh… need any help!?"

I shake my head. "Nah, dude! All under control!"

...With his eyebrows raised, he goes back to leaning against the village gate.

Alri~ght, I'm almost to the temple…

"We can be warm together." Generic yuki-onna, please.

Once I reach the stairs, the climb begins. I can't climb backwards, so I hafta turn my back to her and quickly jog up the stairs. As I do so, I'm giddy… giddy with fear! What if she badoinks me from behind, dude!? Eeya~h!

...Well, that doesn't happen, fortunately. She takes her sweet time drifting up the Myouren Temple stairs. A few times, her undirtied, snow white socks touch the floor-

Kr-kra~ck…! Ice traveled around a patch of stairs, freezing them. She probably froze the stairs earlier, then. Cheeky little…

At the top, it seems like there's no one, at first. Then, I see Kyouko walk out of the main temple doors, holding a broom. "Ha-hawawa!?" She's surprised!

"Hey!" I wave at her. "Yeah, I'm being followed by a rapist."

"Let- let me get…!" She looks around frantically. "He~lp!" She shouts to the sky! Her ears stand up, too…!

Yeah, that'll help.

I'm almost at the temple doors, so I just start going in circles backwards to keep from getting my soul extinguished by the floaty naked ice girl.

"I'll help." She's still got that plastic smile, yo.

"No." I shake my head at her.

"Ky-Kyouko!? What's wrong!?"

Stormy of all people slides out the front door, holding a large metal cannon of some kind. "...What the fuck?"

I wave at him. "Hi, son."

...He groans. "U~gh. It's you."

"This girl wants to rape me and eat my soul." I gesture to the slowly floating yuki-onna. "Help."

"I'll help." She reassures me, again.

"Is she just going to float after you, like that?" Stormy had his cannon up and ready, but he was just idly observing us.

Kyouko seemed to have calmed down, her ears resting again. "Wh-why are her… boobs out?"

I shrug exaggeratedly! "Don't ask me, yo! Ask her!"

...Kyouko steps up to our circle of walking. "Yu-Yuki-onna… why are your boobs out?"

"Men like soft." Good answer!

...Kyouko looks down at her smaller chest. "O-oh…"

Stormy nods. "Yeah, we do…" He grins at the topless yuki-onna.

...Kyouko looks back at him. Slowly, she raises her broom and creeps towards him, before deciding against aggressing him.

"Why don't you just let her hug you?" Stormy focuses his grin on me. "Or are you not into women?"

Son. I know a good answer, though. I look at the yuki-onna. "What's a hug, again?"

She gives the exact same answer as last time. "It is the action of embrace where one transfers the life energy to myself. It is intimate, and expresses deep affection amongst humans. All human males wish to hug me."

Stormy nods. "Wow. Shit."

"The-then…" Kyouko clams up, her arms held up at her sides. "She eats people!"

Yea~h! You put two and two together!

Stormy grinned. "Well…! I've got something for her to eat, then…!" He holds up his shoulder-mounted cannon.

Kyouko gets in his way. "N-no! Don't!'

...He relents. "Dammit, Kyouko-chan…"

Chan.

"She's just misguided!" Kyouko waves her arms. "And maybe a little dumb… but that doesn't mean we should blow her away!"

"...I guess you're right." Stormy huffs. "What the hell do we do about her, though?"

"Push her somewhere else." I declared. "Please, yo."

"...I think I should go get Byakuren-sama." Kyouko considered.

"I'm right here."

Byakuren drops down from the sky, like some kind of heavenly super person.

Stormy stared at her dryly. "Yo~u were watching the whole time."

"...Maybe." Byakuren smiled at him, before stepping towards my situation carefully.

Ho ho! "I'm glad you just decided to watch instead of do anything, friend. Now, if ya could help me not get consumed…!"

Byakuren shook her head. "Let her embrace you."

You're not instilling confidence in me, Hijri.

Stormy's jaw drops. "Hahahaha~!"

"Wh-wha~t!?" Kyouko is equally shocked! "By-Byakuren-sama…!?"

Byakuren adds some much needed context. "I will make sure she doesn't inflict any permanent harm. It is to help me judge her condition."

...If you say so. "If I die, I'm haunting your ass."

Byakuren just gives me a patient smile.

...Turning around, facing the slowly drifting yuki-onna, I hold open my arms. "Alright. C'mere, you big lug…"

I just realized how tall she is. Like, geez, she's like seven feet tall! I'm six foot myself, so…!

She drifts into me. Her kimono wraps around me, locking us both inside.

"Thank you…" She presses herself against me… and it's cold. She's colder than the winter air…

I can hardly think about the winter air, or the sensation of cold breasts pressing against my shirt. It's like my mind just suddenly began to drift away…

My faces rests in her neck, a comforting sensation washing over me as I felt her arms wrap around me…

Then, Byakuren inserted her arm, under my neck and against the frost woman's chest.

Heat suddenly flooded into me! "Wo-woah…" I'm not drifting as much, anymore! I begin shivering, realizing just how cold she made me.

"So-so warm…" The yuki-onna gushes, hugging me tighter.

Byakuren's arm glows orange. Holy fuck, now it's too warm…!

"A-ahn…" The yuki-onna was getting uncomfortable, too. Her breasts began to shrink- which was freakin' weird, by the way- and her skin began to look a more natural pale color, and not neon-white.

Then, she let me go.

I stumbled away from the naked yuki-onna, who furled her robe back up. Byakuren stepped back, as well.

"..." She said nothing, feeling herself. "...I am… satisfied." She seemed mystified. "I-..."

The cyan glow in her eyes faded, and she blushed a more natural red. "Wh-..."

Looking around hastily, she seemed surprised.

"Hello." Byakuren greeted her. "How are you?"

"..." She blinked. "Warm. Good..."

"I'm glad." Byakuren smiled. "Who are you?"

"I don't know." She admitted.

"Follow me." Byakuren moved towards the temple, gesturing for her to follow. The yuki-onna walked after her normally, stepping on the floor awkwardly a few moments before adjusting to the sensation of dirt.

They progress into the temple, Stormy stepping aside.

"And you were gonna shoot her…" Kyouko scowled at bazooka man.

"Hey, now... you weren't nearly as critical about those wolf men I blew to kingdom come." Stormy gives his own scowl in return.

...Kyouko turned away. "We-well, they weren't… like her."

I walk up to them. "Hello, friends."

Stormy grinned. "How were her boobs?"

Kyouko brought up her broom, and unleashed an attack!

Thwack! "Ow!" Get owned, noob, get owned.

"The hell was that for!?" Stormy rubbed his head…

Kyouko lowered her broom back down, frowning at him.

"You guys are fluffy." I declare, progressing inside.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

In the Myouren Temple, I began lookin' for where Byakuren went… She went to the right, but there's more halls to the right, so I dunno what direction specifically...

Near the entrance, there was a bench. Mamizou lounged on it, lazily shaking a foot off the edge of it. Freakin'... what are those sandal heel things!? They're like, blocks.

"Oh, he~y." She waves at me. "Did you bring that sugar water?"

Wat. Uu~h… oh!

"...Shit." I express anger.

She grinned, looking up at the ceiling. "Oh we~ll."

I have no idea if I smuggled Kool-aid or not, but I want my warm clothes, yo. "Didja see which way the nun went?"

Mamizou looked over at me. "Aa~h. She went…" She pointed to my left. "Yeah."

Oo~h. That's opposite the vague direction I saw her go, but okay!

I nod. "Thanks, friend…" I proceed to go in the direction I saw Byakuren go, instead…

Down the hall, I find myself lost. Frightened, yo! Confused!

The impulse to knock on a door occurs to me. At first, I consider it too awkward to do out of the blue, especially when I could just keep walking… then I decide to do it because it would be awkward!

I knock on a door to the right.

No response. Curiously, I open it…

Oh. Outside. Hello, world.

I close it.

If the right is outside, there has to be something on the left!

Moving up to the door, I knock.

"Oi. Hold on, hold on…" I hear Murasa on the other side.

After a few moments, she swings the door open. "Aho~y! What brings, eh…" She realizes it's me. "Oh, s'you. What's up?"

I wave. "I was gonna ask Byakuren to make my clothes toasty, but she eluded me, friend."

...I receive a dry stare, as Murasa opts to lean lazily on the door frame. "Look, mate, if ya wanna explore her tracts of land, yer gonna have to be a lil more subtle than that…"

Freakin'... "I mean, I wanted my clothes enchanted to be warm, friend."

Grinning and shaking her head, Murasa turned back into her room. "Yer a scallywag."

She shut the door. A real help, yo.

Doubling back, I try, like… a hallway. There are a few too many hallways available for me to accurately describe how many hallways there are without being redundant. But there's like, this intersection junction…

You know what the Myouren Temple needs? A super highway.

After taking a series of random turns and walking down the hall for a minute, I knock on the door.

"Hmm?" The door swings open. Some tall, red-haired woman in robes stares down at me. Noticing my Kaguya robes, she stares at me dryly. "Ah. You. What do you want?"

I don't recognize her! "Friends." Might just be a generic monk...

...She closes the door.

Daw.

I knock again!

The door swings open again. "I don't have anything to do with you."

I make my statement loud and clear! "Didja see where Byakuren went, yo!?"

...She blinks at me, before nodding. "Her aura went that way." She pointed down the hall. "She's in the third door to the right."

You can sense auras and shit? Yo~... "Thanks, yo." I began walkin' down the hall after giving her a wave.

Down the hall, I open the correct door!

Inside, the yuki-onna and Byakuren sat at a kotatsu, the yuki-onna's kotatsu now glowing a subtle orange.

"...Oh, hello, Brad." Byakuren greets me.

The yuki-onna silently stares at me, her eyes now grey.

"Hello, friends…" I casually strut towards the kotatsu…

"I have to thank you for leading this young girl here…" Byakuren smiled widely. "This was certainly the right choice for her."

"Yeah, she looks real young alright." I nod. "Seven feet tall. Can't be a day over twenty, yo."

Byakuren giggles. "She's actually one hundred fifty-two."

Young. What the frik is young in yuki-onna years!?

I look at the icy lady. She shifts awkwardly.

Byakuren is smug. No progress was being made.

"Th-thank… thank you…" The yuki-onna spoke! "For warming me up…"

Wasn't quite me, but y'know… "Ye, ye. Ye." Which reminds me… I turned to Byakuren. "I need a heat-enchanted outfit, yo. I was wonderin' if ya could hook me up." Fingers crossed…!

...Byakuren put a finger to her lip, looking over the yuki-onna's robes. "Like hers?"

I nod. "Yeah, yo. Keep myself nice and toasty durin' the winter months!"

...Byakuren smiled, and nodded. "I can do that for you. I'll be just a moment..." She got up, and began to leave the room.

Woo~! S'all turnin' up Brad, yo!

Once she left, it was just me and icy nips over there.

"I-I, uhm…" She begins the discussion! "...Yo-your name…" She took a moment. "...Br-Brad?"

I wave. "Hi."

"Hi." She stared down at the kotatsu.

Fluffy.

"...Wh-what was… I like?" She asks me.

"Fluffy." I nod gingerly…

"...Oh." She accepted the answer, her eyes resting on the kotatsu again.

"Do-do you know me?" She looked hopeful.

I shake my head. "Nope. Ya approached me on the street and tried to rape me, so I moonwalked here to not die."

She seemed to cringe harshly, before the confusion set in. Woo!

A door swung open. Byakuren returned! "Here…"

...I didn't expect an exact replica of her freakin' kimono. "...Didja just pull that out of a freakin' copy machine, or what?"

"Something like that." Byakuren mystifies me with her ways. "Consider this thanks for your deed."

Accidentally doing good things is the best way to go about doing things!

With that, I receive the kimono. It had white fabric with blue trim, and glowed a faint orange color. Considering my audience… "Can I put it on here?"

Byakuren looked over at the yuki-onna, fine herself with the idea.

If only people made dial-up noises, yo…

I'll take that as a yes. Finally slipping off this half-obliterated Kaguya robe, revealing my suspenders underneath, I slip on the kimono over them…

Oh, yes. Yes. This is it, dude. I found my end-game god gear…

"I take it you like it?" Byakuren's expression has the same smile as it always does.

"I am become God." The world is mine to control, yo.

Y'know, there's something weird about these enclosed-in rooms. It feels peculiarly cozy… but also curiously bleak. I think enclosed indoor spaces just do that. Wait, these rooms have lamps…

"How do those lamps work?" I point at one. They've got cube tops and look suspiciously modern. That, or we weren't the ones to invent cube lamps…

"Oh?" Byakuren turns to it. "Illumination magic."

Oh. Stupid question, I suppose...

...Looking over at the yuki-onna, I feel my curiosity growing. "So~... you remember anything about anything, yo?"

She shakes her head. "I-I… remember when I was young. I got lost in the snow…" She stares down at the kotatsu. "I thought… I died."

I mean, you remember how to talk, so there's that. Then again, Yukari's got this funky language barrier up, so for all I know she could be speakin' Portuguese.

I nod. "You did, yo. Welcome to heaven."

"Heaven kinda sucks." She admits, staring at the kotatsu sullenly.

The~re we go!

Byakuren huffs. "Now, now. This is still Earth." She gives me a chiding stare, but y'know, that was just how that conversation was meant ta be! "I'm sure you'll find things a lot warmer at the temple, if you choose to stay."

The temple door swings open again. This time, the face behind the door is Stormy!

"Ah, here you are." He nods. "By some arcane miracle, Brad got over here. Unless he can read auras."

I nod. "Yeah, yo. AI benefits, son. I know all and see all."

He snorts. "Yeah, yeah. What's the deal with frosty boobs here?"

Eyes widening, the yuki-onna hugs herself.

...Byakuren switches her chiding stare to him.

"...What?" Stormy is confused.

Turning to the yuki-onna, Byakuren readies to speak…

"I want to be called…" But she's beaten to the punch by the girl! "...Yuki."

...I mean, that works. Clap clap, yo. Ya really thought that one through!

Byakuren's smile was patient. "Please put more thought into it. If I had a yen for every yuki-onna I met named Yuki, this temple could be refurbished completely." Pfff~t…

The yuki-onna blushed. "Al-alright…"

...With that, Byakuren got up, and things seemed to wrap up.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Outside and in my new kimono, I also donned Kaguya's wig for full effect!

"...Are you sure you're not gay?" Stormy is skeptical.

I grin. "I'm bootiful, dude." All I need now are fake boobs!

Kyouko, Stormy, and I were outside by the fencing in the temple yard. Across from us, Shou the tiger girl lady person was fighting a training dummy with a staff. The weather was overcast at the moment, and the sun was setting, the land's blue glow getting heavier…

I turn to Kyouko. "Do I look like an ice girl, yo?"

...Looking indecisive, she gives her input. "If I don't look at your face, sure…"

Oof.

Lanterns filled the temple yard, these ones consisting of actual burning candles instead of illumination magic.

Stormy grinned. "Yeah, he's pretty fucking ugly, isn't he?"

"I didn't say that." Kyouko glared at him. "He's just not a believable female."

Now tell that to the myriad of 'transgenders' who think they can put on a sweater and call themselves the opposite gender!

I have the sneaking suspicion Kyouko and Stormy have become friendly friends with one another, myself. I'm waitin' for a good opportunity to stick my nose where it doesn't belong!

"Ah, well. What stupid shit have you been up to?" Stormy looks me over. "You seem to have gotten some redneck suspenders. That's probably an accomplishment, considering this is supposed to be rural Japan."

Hyonk! "Well I just did diddly darn diddly did, son." ...That reminds me of those upgrades I claimed up in Heaven and forgot to do anything with! "Holy shit, yo! We got a table anywhere!?"

Stormy snorted. "He's lost it."

Moving into the midst of the table yard, I look for a table. My eyes rest on a bench, which is good enough. "Alright, friends, c'mere!"

It's time to apply the upgrades I have!

Let's see… Electric talisman, holy talisman, an~d… oh, right, I put the ice upgrade on Tundra Bloomer.

Oh? Aw, dude…!

Kyouko steps up to my side. I take a wiffle duster from my bag, and gingerly brush her face for it.

"...A-chu~!" She let out a cute little sneeze…!

"You're not responsible enough to wield such a weapon." Stormy takes the wiffle duster from me. Awwh…

...Reaching past me, he brushes Kyouko's face with it.

"A-a-chu~!" She begins fending it off. "St-sto~p…"

So fluffy…!

Anyway, upgrades 'n' stuff. What to upgra~de…?

I begin placing my plant hangers on the bench…

Clink. Clink. Clink. Clink...

"Goddamn, you're a hoarder." Stormy begins to look exasperated at them. "How many are there?"

"A lot." Honh, honh, honh…!

Once I spread 'em all out, I consider my options!

Fairy Harp and Tundra Bloomer have enough upgrades, right now. I don't need to make them more of special snowflakes than they already are, and I'm pretty sure adding too many elements makes them conflict or something. Flame Salvo's also pretty good as is…

Electricity and Deep Blue would probably be too effective. Like, it'd kill me.

"Do any of these even do anything…?" Kyouko's expression is vain.

Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber would also not end well with either upgrade. Hmm~...

"O~h, you bet they do…" Stormy looks bitter. "Fucking, that one…" He points to Sharper Than Darkness. "Was that the edgiest design you could think of?"

I nod. "Yeah, yo." Maybe I should upgrade that one. I half wanna add the holy upgrade to it to be ironic…

"This one's just a normal plant hanger…" Kyouko gestures to the Escape Plan. I think that one does need some lovin'...

Taking the talismans from the bag, I slap them where there's not any of Flandre's etchings. They glow brightly for a moment, before their gold colors return to being just ink.

...Holding it upside down, I shake it. They're attached, yo!

"I can vaguely feel magic from those things." Stormy adds, having observed the talismans. "You're making some kind of catastrophe of magic, aren't you?"

"Yes." Backing away from the two, I take the modified Escape Plan and approach the training dummy…

Shou's giving it hell, though. It rocks back and forth on its post violently, as she unleashes barrages of staff thwacks against the core of it.

Thwa-thwa-thwa-thwack!

"Hoh!" Leaping up, she left herself fall a little before stopping just before she hit the floor, lunging into another series of swings.

Thwack, thwack, thwack- Clack!

For her final swing, she did a forward flip. Even after all of that, the training dummy still continued to exist, slowly ceasing to shake.

"...Ha~h." Shou exhaled, backing away from it and observing it.

"It's my turn now, yo." I walk past her with the Escape Plan ready!

She stares at me dryly as I approach it, before sitting down and crossing her legs.

Alri~ght, holy and electric upgrades! Let's see what this baby can do…

I swing it through the air, and not a whole lot seems different. I try to channel mana into it, but there's nowhere to really channel it into

"Hmm." I eye it curiously. "Maybe I gotta get beat the fuck up, first…"

Stormy tilted his head. "...Yeah, maybe you do." He began to raise that shoulder-mounted cannon again. "Can I do it?"

"No." Kyouko casually walked into his way.

Instead, I turn to Shou! "Hello, cat friend. Combo me, yo."

She rose a brow. "...Are you su~re?"

I nod. "Fuck my shit up, cap'n."

...Standing, she walked towards me with her staff ready. "Captain? I'm not Murasa, you know…"

Honh. "Well-"

Thwack! She began with a whack to my gut. "Gu~h!?"

Whack! I stumbled back, my head shooting to the side as she unleashed a powerful blow to my jaw-

Thwack, thwack! "Aa-aah!" Hugging my stomach, I try to reduce the pain, when-

Thunk! "Hnh…" She jabbed the staff at my upper torso. I flew back into the training dummy, where-

Bam! "Gufhk…" She finished by kicking me in the gut.

Well, I feel like I have enough reasons to die, now…!

"Happy?" Shou smiled at me.

Dizzily, I give her a thumbs up. "Aa~h… yeah…"

Stormy was grinning widely, as I held up the modified Escape Plan again. It seemed to be crackling with white static energy, which ran up and down the metal of its form. It seemed to weigh far less, too. Hell, my arm as a whole weighed a lot less…!

Kyouko's hands were over her mouth when I glanced at her. Don't worry, friend! It was only blunt damage!

I take a moment to feel my gut, where Shou kicked it, before turning to the dummy to engage it myself… "Alright, you dummy… I'ma woop you 'n' boop you."

Taking the Escape Plan, I swing it at the dummy-

Thwash! Thwash!

The power I put into my swing makes me spin, my hanger passing through the dummy. After orienting myself and warding off the dizziness, I notice electricity running across the dummy's form, for only a moment.

...Experimentally, I swing the hanger around in the air slowly. As I do so, it lights up a pure white, shimmering as I wave it about. "What the hell have I made?"

"A fucking trainwreck." Stormy declares.

I give him a grin, before I decide to test my running capability. I move towards the opposite wall as fast as I normally would with my speed buff, except now I don't feel as much fatigue as I think I normally would. Then again, Shou freakin' decked me, so y'know…

I look down at my legs, noticing the white electricity occasionally arc down my legs, too. That can't be good for me!

"Ooo~..." Kyouko is fascinated by the hanger. "Are they all magic like that…?" She holds up the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber.

"All except that one!" I try to save her.

However, her fate cannot be avoided. Throwing my word to the wind, she takes it towards the training dummy, and whacks it-

Boom!

The dummy is blown off of its post. Kyouko is covered in soot.

"What the fuck!?" Stormy springs into action! "What was that!?" He runs up to Kyouko, putting a hand on her shoulder. "Ky-Kyouko-chan! Are you-"

She swings it at him.

Boom!

...Now they're both covered in soot.

She gives him a big grin.

"Gn~h…" Stormy stiffly articulates his limbs. "Damn. I felt joints crack that I hadn't cracked for a long time…"

I run towards them, and jump-

That's some serious air! Holy shit!

I leap high enough to barely clear them by raising my legs, before-

Thud. Oof… landed on my bum.

Okay, it's not awesome air, but it's better than my normal hop. Actually…

With a running start, I leap into the air, before executing my double jump. It's like the air beneath me's not only a platform, but it boosts me as well. The second jump in this instance is actually better than my weak human jump.

With this height, I could probably grab onto the temple fence and scale it. The actual temple's still way too freakin' tall for me to even think about scaling with this. Afterward-

Thud. That actually hurt, a bit…

Shou watched me experiment curiously. "...You know, you remind me of another human."

I grin at her. "Who, yo?"

"That witch." She decides. "This feels like something she'd be doing."

...Y'know, I feel so, too. I nod in agreeance.

This time, I- oh. The training dummy died. Freakin'... "I need somethin' to attack, yo."

"I'll spar with you." Shou offered.

"Oo~h!" Stormy immediately ignored the fact he just got blown up. "This I wanna see!"

Friend, no. "I'm fragile, yo."

She smiled. "I'll go easy on you. I wanna see what you can do."

We~ll, the answer's 'not a lot', at least not fairly, but I do wanna know what tricks I can pull with this new Escape Plan…

She brings up her staff, ready to block. "C'mon."

Alright, yo…

With my modified Escape Plan up, I move towards Shou…

I wonder. Does this thing deal magical damage when I swing it?

Curious, I send a basic whack in Shou's direction-

Clack! She blocked it with her staff, even though the hanger became magic. Instead of an outright block, my hanger arm actually recoiled. Electricity traveled up her staff. "...It tickles." She grinned after a moment.

Honh, honh honh. It's a spine-tingling sensation, yo…!

I try that spin attack again, swinging with my normal power- woah!

Thwash! Thwash! The first sound is my initial strike, and the second one is when my spin is coming to a stop...

That sound's so cool, too!

The hanger traveled through her staff, which is curious. She could still block it sort of, and make my original target the thing she's blocking with.

"It's like water." She notes. "Really weird…"

Movin' for her, I unleash another self-disorienting spin!

Thwash! Thwash! She blocks it, but I smoothly spring into the air after my attack, leaping higher than I would normally, especially while standing still. Up here, the hanger flashes brightly, but I dunno what that means…

I try a downward slash, and end up doing a frontward flip.

Thwash! "Ho-holy…!"

Oof… I landed on Shou's staff. Wincing, she tilted it forward, throwing me off of it, and onto the floor.

Thud.

"He's like a fucking flea." Stormy annotates from the sidelines. "Christ."

Son.

Leaping into the air again, getting more normal abnormal air, I swing at Shou. Similar to when Shou attacked the dummy earlier, I hung in the air as I came upon her with a series of sweeping attacks, ones that didn't sweep myself into a spin 'cause I was in the air.

Thwash, thwash, thwash! Three horizontal swipes that went 'through' her staff… but at the same time not really.

I tried to jump again, and instead of going horizontal, I slid vertically. "Woaa~h!"

Whelp, this happened! Soaring forward, I clear Shou entirely and soar straight into the wall-

Thud. Goddammit…

"Hahahaha~!" Stormy guffawed. Well, I'm glad someone's happy…

Freakin'... yo. Breaking from the wall, dizzy once again, I turn towards Shou…

"I have a feeling this is going nowhere…" Shou's smile was a bit more dry, now.

"You'd be right!" You're the one who asked for this, yo. Considering my movement speed… I wonder…

Bringing my hanger to my side as if I were sheathing a katana, I stand resolute before her. "I got a plan, friend."

She stood ready. "Oh?"

I tightened my grip on the hanger. Tilting forward, I readied to spring towards her.

Then, I launched myself forward.

"Zantetsuken!"

Thwash!

Instead of going through her like a good swordsman, however…

Thud, thud! I seem to have thrown myself onto her, instead, my knees resting on her staff. How do actual badass swordsmen even do Zantetsukens!?

"Hu-hwa!?" Stumbling back, electricity running across her body, her pupils contracted as I made contact with her. After a moment, she gave me a shove-

Holy shit son!

Bam. I~... hit the temple wall.

"Pfft- hahaha~ Oo~h, haha~!" Stormy was shot, yo.

Kyouko gave a curt giggle.

...Standing from the temple wall, I stumbled forward. "I~... think that's enough escaping and planning, for now…"

"...That was not a Zantetsuken." Shou grinned as she shook her head at me. "It was a valiant effort, but there's a lot more that goes into it than just swinging fast. The attack you did was more a... 'tactical tackle', if anything."

Oh, good…

"...That hanger's fucking rich." Stormy was still grinning at me. "I simply don't know how you haven't killed yourself yet!"

...I nod at him, trying my best to keep my expression neutral. "'Cause you touch yourself at night."

He slowly brings up his shoulder cannon.

"Do-don't!" Kyouko tries to move into his way-

Blam!

I throw myself into the temple wall to avoid the freakin' fireball he shot at me. It exploded on the floor where I was. Jumping up, I promptly rotated myself and kicked off the wall, sliding through the air after I did so.

Blam! He shot the cannon into the air after me, tracking my movement improperly.

Thwack! Kyouko hit him with her broom. "Sto~p!"

"Ow- ow!" He tries idly to deflect it with his arm. "Damn it, woman! I'm trying to…"

He aims it at my landing spot, but Kyouko whacks the cannon upward with her broom.

Blam! The shot sailed into the sky, never to be seen again.

"Fuck!" Stormy was displeased, but seemed to do his best to ignore Kyouko's cuddly bombardment.

I slide to a stop as I land! Then, I run towards him in a straight line!

He grins. I jump as Kyouko knocks the cannon upward once more, before I jump again-

Blam!

Ho~ly fuck, that was like right under me... that better not've burned the hem of this kimono!

"Oh, shit…!" Stormy noticed me soar over him. Turning in the air awkwardly, I slash at his shoulder on my way down-

Thwash!

"Aau~gh!" He dropped the cannon, clutching his shoulder. The cannon promptly fell onto Kyouko, who did her best to hold it, until she fell over, trapped under its weight. "Ah-ahn!"

After my awkward maneuver, I land on my side. From the floor, I jab at Stormy's inner knee-

Thwish!

"Noo~!" Stormy falls backwards, landing adjacent to me. On the floor, he begins trying to like, strangle my legs, before giving up.

Shou begins to walk away. "I'll go get some healers."

"Pl-please do…!" I weakly call out from the floor…!

"He-hel~p…" Kyouko wiggles her legs from under the cannon.

...This freakin' hanger, yo. He's not wrong about it bein' rich!

"This…" Stormy weakly grabs my ankles. "This is all your fault…"

Oh no. "What can I say, yo… when I was young, Flandre Scarlet gave me a small loan of a million dollars!"

Stormsworth snorted. "...Ju-just shut the fuck up."

...Million Bucks! That is this hanger's newly upgraded name. Ho ho!

...Wow, I ache. Shou better not've been joking about those healers.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

END OF CHAPTER 47

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Fairy Slayer, Accidental Human Slayer, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Village Liberator, Eientei Crucible, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine, Sky Climber, Amateur Espionage Practitioner, Illegal Fairy Harborer, Holder of Too Many Titles.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Tundra Bloomer - A earth-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock; has a flower curved around the hilt. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. Allows casting of Gaia Seed. Casts Tundra, a weak spike of ice!

INVENTORY:

Youkai Inconveniencer - Semi-crux to youkai and undead via a holy spell and being naturally strong against them, but isn't particularly efficient. Most respectable youkai seem to only be momentarily stunned, and anything without visual receptors or possibly a pair of sunglasses would probably be immune. Acts as a flashlight via candles. Converted to a flail with cross necklaces! Can cast Shine.

Fairy Harp - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can create small compressed air blasts. By the addition of a steel block, it gained enhanced striking power and weight, along with increased ability to channel magic into any sort of special effects it has. Sparkles in the light due to fairy dust, able to reduce the accuracy of weak, biological enemies by irritating their senses with the dust. Can play beautiful, flat-tone musi~c!

Flame Salvo - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Enchanted to have an incendiary effect upon sufficient striking force, or sufficient velocity. Good for burning stuff and people! Boosts fire abilities, allows physical strikes to do fire damage. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Has a flamethrower nozzle. Can cast Fume, has Flamethrower Plus!

Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.

Deep Blue - A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Enchanted to constantly produce fresh water. Boosts abilities of water-based attacks and allows physical attacks to deal water damage. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Sharper Than Darkness - A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon style, with increased bleeding but fighting power being the main attributes. Can cast Revenge, a dark spell which has more extreme proportions of the weapon's innate attributes. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to give it an extra deadly edge in combat.

Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.

Million Bucks - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger, from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, and gift from Flandre Scarlet. Has an obsolete map of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Slight damage vulnerability when used, which has worn over time. With added electric and holy charms, the hanger's gained the ability to deal electrical and holy damage. Is able to fluidly chain attacks for stringing together longer aerial and ground combos. Allows the user to fluidly transition from combo to jumping. Allows forced aerial combo support. Grants the user the ability to air slide. Increased jump height when running. Gives motion sickness with avid use!

Market Gardener - Critical hits during blast jumps! Otherwise, it's just a normal, old plant hanger. Named after a very similar shovel…!

NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please. Unless you're surrounded by fairies who don't know the difference- but y'know- that opportunity's a freakin' million to one.

NERF longsword - 'CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals'… you know what that means! Maybe one day this will actually come in handy...

Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! 75% time resistance on equip. Voice, face, and height specifications not included!

Monk Robes - Wear to become a Buddhist! Actually pretty comfy…!

Butterfly Dream Pills - Makes you dream of being a beautiful butterfly!... now, if only there was a pill for lucid or wet dreams, and then I'd consider Yagokoro the doctor to end all doctors!

Remilia Scarlet Disguise - Wearing this as a tall manchild's probably not doing anyone with eyes any favors. Has resistances of sorts, but I'm not in a big fat hurry to find out what they are…

Toasty Yuki-onna Kimono - Best winter clothing twenty fifteen. Fifty percent ice and freezing resistance, but negative fifty percent fire and burning resistance!

PARTY:

London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks, both the magical and physical variety. Has lance, can shoot danmaku. Variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. London shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

Aaa~h, aaa~h!

welcome friends

this has been a fun chapter to write even if i did write it kinda slowly; cool leg has been smacking me silly but unlike all of my high school peers i managed to actually stay in it for an entire semester (also keep in mind that you get some really awesome breaks, and summer vacation for cool leg students is like, five months or something!)

provided unlike them i never went to parties, never feverishly boned my peers, and never really cared about the social politics that endlessly went on- you know what i could go on all day about my theories for why the primary educational system actively destroys more people than it theoretically helps but dat MIGHT not be what you guys are here for

but anyway enough about that, let us talk of this chapter

mima i pulled from the depths of hades just for the sake of bringing her back really; after reimu and marisa's raid nothing productive happened so i was like 'y'know might as well'

i had her possess me solely for the sake of her making xehanort's heartless quotes and for a feverish party battle; it turned out more slapdash than i had hoped but that's okay too!

then there was the yuki-onna

i came up with her because i realized it was winter and night was coming so night monsters ooh spooky, also on complete impulse but y'know daz pretty much the name of the game

it wasn't night yet though and considering letty people might respect yuki-onna a bit more (unless they have fire magic)

also i know letty exists but the time has to be RIGHT, YO

Million Bucks is based on a kingdom hearts 358/2 days weapon of the same name, Million Bucks

it's demyx's 'rage gear' equip which allows him to string together longer ground and aerial combos! also the name sounded cool

despite how much i hate what they did with that game it was full of cool little things i liked… which makes it torturous to play because it's like 'how do you do something that could be so right so wrong aaugh'

also yeah LAN wifi only like killed it- seriously what backwards tech thought that was a good idea the game woulda like blown up if it supported friends p2p or at least a server that would shut down in like a year

i think p2p woulda lagged the fuck out though

ANYWAY, kyouko is cuddly

i went back and read a few of my earlier chapters and find myself probably more amused than when i wrote them; i dunno if that's just arrogance or if they're actually funny o w o

that reminds me, pro-tip for fellow writers who don't already know: it's possible to proofread your own work as you would an outsider, you just have to freakin' brain bleach it from your subconscious first; this can be done by like working on a english essay for a day or two after you've written it or get started on a new chapter, THEN go back, sit down, and be like "lets take the time to go through this"

of course, your mood also plays a big part and if you're impatient it probably won't go over as well… and external proofreaders are still a little better to be honest but this will keep you from overlooking the obvious errors by accident

man i feel like talking away at a whole lot of nothing today

as always, see you all next time!