(in which we combat the wombats)
"Heal!"
This tall, white-haired girl raised her staff into the air.
Then, I heard that Curaga chime from when Kasen did her things!
...Woah. Wow!
Crawling onto his limbs, Stormy prepared to climb onto his feet again. "...Thanks, Kirino."
"He-he~lp…" Kyouko was still stuck.
"Ah, shit…" He went to help her with that.
I got onto my own legs, after a few moments! The white-haired girl nodded at us. "It is my duty."
I grin at her. "You like one of them fancy holy mages 're somethin'?"
She shakes her head. "I study only in healing."
Oo~h. Wait… "Is healing magic and holy magic different?" I articulated that poorly!
She nods. And, uh… yeah, that's it.
"Quit badgering the healer." Storm man snaps his fingers at me. "Don't you have something to be doing?"
Yeah, yo. I nod, "Sleeping."
Fully lifting the cannon from the floor, Stormy hoists it over his shoulder. "Ha~h…" After stumbling back a few steps, he holds it steady. "There."
Kyouko springs up quickly. "Now I'm cold…" She hugs herself.
Oh no.
Grinning, the big Storm man turns to me. "It's too bad this temple doesn't take unwanted solicitors. You'll have to sleep under a rock somewhere."
"Actually…" Kirino spoke up. "The temple can accommodate up to-"
Stormy hobbles over to her, "Ah- shh! Shh!" desperately shaking his finger in front of his lips.
...She continues. "One hundred fifty-"
"Shh!" Getting up in her face, Stormy stares into her eyes-
Bonk! She aggressed him with her staff!
"Ow- damn it…!" Holding his head, Stormy hobbles back towards Kyouko, who was looking on dryly…
...After a moment, Kirino broke her glare directed towards him, and focused on me again. "As I was saying, this temple can house up to one hundred fifty unexpected guests at any time. Except during festivals, maybe…"
Ho ho. "How do get guest room do?" I raise my hand inquisitively!
...After staring at me for a moment, she turns around. "This way."
I follow the long-haired, presumably youkai healer inside. I mean- she's got yellow eyes. Ya don't see that back in ye olden times unless they're the burly people.
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
We come to another room with freakin' no furniture. It has a bed, though.
"Here. Uhm…" She slowly spins in a circle, gesturing to the room's contents. "There's a lamp, over there." She points to it.
Oh, shit, I almost missed that. I keep forgetting most of these rooms need lamps 'cause they're like, surrounded by windowless walls.
"There's the bed." She points to the tiny-ass bed. Like, okay…
"That bed, it's too tiny." I comment. "My legs, they won't fit, yo. My ass' gonna be hangin' off the edge. Y'might as well give me a freakin' chair!"
"Oh…" She looks puzzled, too, for some reason. "That's… hmm. Oh… this is probably the room for the smaller youkai."
...That'd make sense.
"Maybe there's something for you in the closet…" She moves towards the closet door… which looks like a freakin' regular door. I thought this room had two entrances. Some of these rooms do!
She opens it- "Eh-ah!?"
Slam!
…
I step towards her. "Friend?"
"Do-don't, uhm…" She presses her back to the door. "Don't open that."
I wonder… "Why not, yo?"
"Ju-just… don't!" Her face slightly flushes. Ho ho!
This must mean there is progress behind that door! "That sounds like a very good reason to open it…!"
"Don't!" She closes her eyes, pressing herself against the door rigidly.
...Alright, yo. I slouch. "Ah, alright. If it really means that much to ya."
...She blinks. Awkwardly, she breaks from the door, before moving towards the room's exit. "Co-come. Let me find you a more suitable-"
I dash for the closet she tried to protect! Running up to it, I swing it open!
And inside…! "Ahah! Your-..."
Oh.
The closet is full of fluffles.
Bam! She slams the door shut before me. I flinch back, the door shutting in my face.
...I turn to see Kirino frowning at me.
"...What?" I grin. "...I thought you were hidin' a porn stash or somethin'!"
She jerks her head back. "Wh-what…!?"
Ho~h. Bigger reaction than I expected.
She takes a moment to compose herself, blinking. Then, her face shifts into a glare! "I-I wouldn't dare insult my craft like that! Take that back!"
Yo!? "What'd I say!?"
"I am not depraved!" Kirino raises her staff! "I am not depraved!"
"Dude, no!" I raise Million Bucks into the air defensively 'cause it's all I got on hand!
Clonk! Clonk! I block her very telegraphed staff swings!
"I-I will not stand here, and let you insult me…" Exhaling, she seems to try and keep some kind of rigid posture as she swings the staff's head at me.
Clonk! Clonk! Jesus, for how freakin' clunky and unskilled her motions are, she's still got a lotta strength…!
"There ain't nothin' wrong with porn, yo." I argue. "We all gotta shoot the shit, y'know what I'm sayin'?" ...Yeah, after my first line I had no freakin' clue where I was taking that.
"Wh-..." She freezes for a moment, which would be a perfect moment to counter attack, but I don't wanna hurt the cuddle mage, so I just freeze, too. "...Pe-pervert!"
She breaks her hand from the rigid posture it was at around her waist, and-
Slap!
Yeah, ow.
With that, she ran out of the room.
…
Guess I ain't gonna see other rooms, tonight. Walking up to the closet, I swing it open. "Hey, guys…"
The shifting mass of fluffles stops. Some stare out at me.
…
Fwoosh! They begin spilling out.
I stand and smile at the incoming fluffle wave.
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
"Jesus!" Stumbling out of the room, I let myself fall around the side of the door, before like punching it shut. That last part took a few attempts!
...On the floor, I shaked my legs, trying to get the clingy fluffstuffs off. Only some came off, so I decided to get up and just walk around with fluffles snuggling my legs.
This kimono is freakin' kickass, by the way. Freakin' toasty.
"honh honh honh" Fluff stuffs…
"...What are you doing?" Oh, hey! It's Nazrin!
Lookin' over to Nazrin, I smile. "...I'm soft."
"You're also crossdressing. Again." Nazrin stared up at me from the floor with a dry expression. "...Was that Kirino I saw running out, earlier?"
I nod. "She introduced me to fluff stuffs. I brought up porn, and she got angry and hit me over the head with her staff."
Nazrin rolled her eyes. "You've set the record for finding someone's obscure insecurity. I at least checked her room first. What did you even do?"
Freakin'... these fluffles are trying to climb me, now! Also, what was that one thing about her room…? "I told her it was okay to watch porn, and she got really uppity and ran away."
Nazrin winced. "...You just up and said that? With no context?"
What? No, yo- "Well, of course there was context, I-"
"Look, I don't wanna know." Nazrin put up a little hand. "Whatever you did, it's not my problem. Last time I got involved, I learned that Byakuren had a thing for… yeah."
"Femboys!" I finish her sentence! "Girly, feminine boys in girl clothes!"
"You don't have to yell it out!" She yells at me!
"Aaa~h!" I use my yelling magic on her!
"Just…" She shakes her head. "Ugh. You should go find Kirino. She takes her hormones hard. You'll know where the stash is hidden when you see it."
Sure. "Where is her room, yo?"
"It's the one with the plus sign on it." Nazrin pointed out. "There are a few. We mark the doors of our healers."
...That sounds efficient but also terribly counter-intuitive. If someone invaded, they'd know where to go! If they were familiar with the place, anyway.
With that, Nazrin began walking away. "I'm gonna go to bed."
"G'night, yo. The moon is made of cheese, friend."
She turns to me-
Woa~h shit! I have to bend out of the way of a single, gray danmaku pellet.
…
Alright, time to find that room!
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
Door number one!
I knock on the plus-sign adorned door.
…
It swings open. "Hello…?" This time, it's some girl with green eyes and long, orange hair. She's also pretty tall, about as tall as me!
"Hi, friend." I greet her. "I'm looking for Kirino."
"Oh, Kirino?" She jerked her head back. "Are you a friend of hers?"
...I sigh, and take a moment. "Alright, let me explain it…" Clearing my throat, I begin. "First uncle's second brother's cousin five times removed to the power of ten; in addition, I'm related on her mother's side by about fifteen and a half places, including cousins, aunts, uncles, nieces, reese's pieces, and u~h… more mommies and daddies, presumably."
…
The girl raises her with both arms. "I beseech thee… tell me the truth!"
The staff shines with a holy light, blinding me for a mo- wah! "I-I met Kirino thirteen minutes and fifty-two seconds ago. I wanted to apologize to her for offending her over pornographic content so that she may show me a room that is not infested with a fluffy menace."
...She like, extractigated that answer from me.
The orange-haired healer nodded. "I see. In that case, I cannot lead you to her."
Wha~t!? "Yo, why not?"
"You'd do more harm than good." She nodded. "Do well to never meet her again. Take care."
The door closed.
…
I kicked it. Cupping my hands, I stood in front of the door "Ya fahkin' boob!"
...Alright! Let's go find the next door!
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
Knock knock. It's the United States. With big fluffles… with guns! Gunfluffs.
Actually, those fluffles who were climbing me are starting to get to my upper torso now. Soon they will get on my hair, and presumably dance on my head.
The door I knocked on opened, and- o~h hehehe~y…
A big dude loomed out. Dude didn't even fit the fucking door frame, Jesus Christ. This guy's a strappin' eight feet or some shit!
"...Hi." I greet him.
"Hello." The guy had brown hair and cat ears. "Why do you visit me this evening, frozen half?"
Frozen half? Who now?
...He reads my confusion. "Sorry. Do you prefer… Yuki-okama?"
A what? "English, yo."
...He shakes his head. "Apologies. English is a language I do not have grasp over."
Daw. "...Separate the two words. By like… a bit." That might make Yukari's translator not see 'em as some name thing then.
"Yuki, okama?" Big guy tries.
"More space. Like, two seconds." I will get to the bottom of this!
Finally, the translation is successful! "Snow… shemale."
Oh. Oh. Aw, dude…!
I nod. "Cool, I got that. Yeah, that's cool." I'm an attack helicopter now!
"I am glad." Big cat dude nods. "Now, what is it you wish to discuss?"
Hmm~... "Kirino, wanted ta apologize to her about a meetin' we had."
"Oh?" He blinked. "What was discussed?"
"Porn." I grin.
…
The door slammed in my face.
Thanks, Garfunkel, you freakin' twat. Dude! I bang on his door. "Bros before hoes, dude!"
...He doesn't respond.
Alright, yo. I'm a man on a mission, here! Not gonna waste time with this fat lazy cat.
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
Bam, bam! Fuck this door!
…
The third door I've visited swings open.
Dude! It's-
"Go away!" The crying face of Kirino slams the door shut.
-gonna be harder than I thought, apparently. Shieut.
Then, my face is slowly covered by an adorable climbing fluffle. I stare it in the eyes as it slowly progresses up my face. It looks freakin' snuggly.
...After a moment, it gets onto my head, and rapidly spins around on its torso. Alright, that's it…
I pull it off.
...Now it's sad. "Waaa~l!"
Freakin'...
While I struggle to get the remaining friendstuffs off of me, the door opens again. I look up at Kirino, holding a squirming mass of fluff. "Oh. Hello, friend."
A slightly more composed version of Kirino now greets me. "...Wh-what do you want…?"
"I wanted to offer you some complimentary fluff stuffs." Walking towards her, I drop the fluffles to the floor, expecting her to grab them, or at least try.
Foof. They disperse and waddle off on all four limbs, like little dusty roaches. Just watchin' them scurry away makes me wanna sneeze, yo…!
"Aa~h…" Now I really have to! I bring my arm up- "Achoo!"
Kirino winces as I sneeze into my arm.
"...Oof." I grin at her, recomposing myself this time! "So yeah. I just wanted to talk with you about our lord and savior, Sexy Pervert Hentai-legs."
The door slams in my face.
…
"By that, I mean I was sorry!" I yell at the door. "Please show me a room that's not filled with fluffles!"
…
"I'll print out some of my collection!" If Kaguya has a printer, she has ta.
She cracks the door open. "Wh-why…?"
...I tilt my head.
…
Shit, she wants words? "U~h… st-stuff?" Nailed it.
"Why do you like porn?" She stares at me critically.
...Well, that's a stupid question, innit? "It ruffles my jimmies." I reveal. "It lets me riddle my diddles."
To my surprise, she doesn't instantly slam the door on me. Instead, she steps outside. "...Let me find you a room."
Honh.
I follow behind her. After a few moments and a few seemingly random turns, she brings me to a room.
"Here…" She opens the door. "Take care." Hastily, she marches off.
"You too!" I wave at her, but she doesn't look back.
...Geez. I can't get why people can't- oh, right. Standards. Standards are weird. Seriously, why~ hide from a fellow pervert that you yourself are, in fact, a pervert? If she's insecure about it, freakin'... proper person moralities are weird.
This room seems nice. No closet- which is fine, 'cause I ain't freakin' living here. No closet means no fluffy menace, yo. Dust friends lie in wait in enclosed spaces…!
The bed's a real size! Moving for it, I leap in, fully dressed and everything. Wait…
I get up, and move to the door. Does it… lock?
I turn the little slidey thing above the handle.
Cli-click.
Aw, dude…!
Let's see… Should I get down with my fresh and funky nearly-naked self, or should I sleep in this kimono and wig? I mean, the kimono is warm. The heating's not that terrific in here, either. Actually, I can use the kimono as a blanket! Hehe~y, now we're cookin' with gas!
Now in my skivvies, I take in the room's bareness. There's not even a table in here. Just, like… bed, lamp.
...Taking out Tundra Bloomer from my sack of wonders, I position myself next to the wall. After making a few practicing motions…
Bam! I hit the wall with it! "Aaaa~h!" I yell!
Wahaha!
...Alright, now it's time for sleepy sleeps. About time I got a nice cushy rest. It's been a lo~ng time!
I slip into the western bed. Why've they got western beds, here? I guess it makes up for the fucking nothing else in the room. 'Cept that lamp, I forgot to turn off…
Ah, shit. Now that I've noticed, I gotta turn it off. I'm sure there's a god of that feeling, somewhere, and they're laughin' their loli asses off every night.
I ge~t up… lug myself over to the square lamp across the room...
Wait…
This thing, it has no switches. It's actually just a cube of like, light and glass. What the hell…
...I tap it, and it bobs in the air a bit like a bobblehead toy. Freakin'... alright.
Clap off! Clap, clap!... clapping didn't work.
"Aaa~h!" I yell at it, which didn't seem to work.
…
I walk over to the door, carrying the lamp's base with me. I unlock it.
Cli-click.
I swing it op-
Bam! "Fuck! Ouch!" Oh, he~y…!
...I spy a nue. "Hey, you." I greet the grue.
...Nue rubs her eye, where the door probably hit. "Fu~ck…"
Friend. Taking the lamp, I push it outside. "This is for you."
With that, I slide the door shut. Nue protests, "Hey- no! Wait!"
A~nd I lock it! Cli-click.
"Asshole!" She bombards it with her arms!
"Good night, friend!" I proceed towards the bed. After a few moments, she gives up, and I climb in. Oof, cold… but give it a moment, yo.
…
Now it's nice and warm...
…
…
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
…
Mmrm~...
I almost wanna sleep more. Real bed is good bed…
Attempting to roll over- oh. There's a friend in bed, with me…
"Haaa~u…" My shifting woke her up.
Fighting her limbs off of myself for the sake of mobilization, I give a half-baked attempt at sitting up. The door's freakin' wide open, that lamp looks like it's in shards on the floor, and a few people are sprawled out in the hallway.
I don't wanna know, yo. I lean over the bedside, and see Ha-chan on the floor.
Wait…
Looking over into the bed, I see Ha-chan in the bed, slowly shifting…
…
Lemme check the floor again- yep, yeah, still there.
…
I point at the bed Ha-chan. "Who you?"
Ha-chan's suddenly brown eyes open. "...Your dearest fuck fairy, boy."
Oh.
…
"You's a succubus?" I grin.
She nods. "If you want me to be."
In that case, I slap her!
Slap! "Ow!"
Executin' a barrel roll out of bed, I flop onto Ha-chan-
"Ahn!" She squirms as I land on her. "Aa-ee-aah…" Quickly, I move to roll off of her before she makes too many snuggly noises.
"...You didn't have to slap me!"
Poof! In a moment, the disguise fades to smoke, revealing a grinning Mamizou in a pair of pajamas. "But I suppose that was the smartest option."
I point at her. "Were ya gonna molestigate me!?"
She snorts. "Not in a million years. I don't know what you think, but most women aren't as horny as little zappy fingers down there." Mamizou gestures to Ha-chan.
...Ha-chan manages to sit up after a brief tussle with her maid outfit. "...Hello!"
I wave at her. "Hello, friend."
Floating from the bed, Mamizou took to the air. "...If you'll excuse me, I have to fetch the healers. There was a traffic accident outside your door." Oh, boy!
...As she floated out of the room, Ha-chan pouted. "I don't like that fox lady."
Oh no. "Why's that, friend?"
"She beat me up!" Yeah, I think I wouldn't like her, either.
...Who am I kiddin', yo? I can take a little rough housing! "C'mon, yo. We're gonna go have a little explore, now that I have my awesome kimono!" I should probably put that on!
Moving over to the blanket, I dug through it for my denim suspenders and kimono…
"You should go naked." Ha-chan suggests.
…
"Why~?" I turn to her curiously.
"It's fun." She smiles innocently.
Not for me, it isn't! How'd she like it in the snowy wasteland if she was in her skivvies? "What about you, yo?"
She reaches for the hem of her top. "Should I?"
Freakin'...! "No, no we shouldn't! It's cold, yo."
Ha-chan pouted. "Alri~ght…"
...Y'know, now I'm curious. "What was it ta you, yo?"
"I wanted to cuddle with you naked." Huffing, Ha-chan folded her arms. "I don't know what the big deal with it is. The fairies at the mansion- Komi-chan and Bell-chan- keep telling me that it feels really good, or something."
…
"Eventually." I equip my clothing items! I~... would like there to not be a pile of possibly unconscious people outside my open door while I try to have an intimate conversation. Gensokyian gods forbid I try to teach 'er about sex with that peanut gallery. Freakin'- I don't even know sex! I mean, I know sex- but not how to sex up a woman, yo!
"But I wanna know no~w!" Ha-chan stomps the floor!
"Patience, friend." I raise a finger. "Good things come to those who do freakin' nothing." Welcome to America, land of debts and people who sit and are generally unhappy, regardless of wealth.
Speakin' of, this door! Was it unlocked, or-
I give the handle a little jiggle. I hear nothing, and the knob turns a full three sixty.
What did they do to it!? Dude…
I examine the side, to see all of the door's inner components just gone. They gangsterized it, dude...
Outside, Nue was sitting against the wall, seemingly sleeping. The big cat guy was sprawled out under her, freakin' acting as a seat. Claw marks marred the walls, and the floor sported a couple craters.
There was some other monk, who seemed to have the lamp shoved onto their head, lying next to the door.
...Looks like there was a freakin' war out here!
Ha-chan steps up next to me, all smiles again. "What happened here, friend?" I question her.
She blinks. "...We~ll…"
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: HANA'S PERSPECTIVE ====
Let's see~...
Flying next to that village place, I tune in…
';.';,.';,';.';,';.where is,';.',;.',;.';pupil';,.';,'.;,';.Oh?',;.';,.';,.St-stay back! No!';,.';,'.;,.
Hrrm…
;,'.';,.';,.;Aaa~uugh!',.;';,.';,'.;',.,;.I-I don't wanna burn you';,.';,',;.,'.;',;.';,Aaaa~h!.;.',;.';,';,.
There he is! Wait… one of those was him! Probably that last one…
I fly low! Down here, I can see that temple place, and-
Bam!
...N-now I can really see that temple place…
"Aau~..." I peel from the roof, and drift to the floor…
Oof…
"...Who're you?"
Awwh! It's a dog girl person thing! They got cool lanterns here, too…!
I wave at her! "Hi, dog girl person thing!"
After flinching back for a moment, she waves back. "Hi… fairy girl person thing."
Moving past her, I run inside!
"Hey, wait!" Sorry, cutie! I gotta find Brad-kun! He's sleeping!
Let's see~... Right, left, right- no! Left left! I mean… uhm…
Stupid hall things! These ones are too messy… they don't even move and stuff! How are you supposed to find anything!?
Oh, hey! There's his door! And a really big scary looking cat guy!
"Blast it…" His paw hands struggled with the handle. "Hijiri needs to- darn!- account for us that lack opposable thumbs…"
Clamping it securely, he began to twist his entire upper torso. "Come on, come on!"
His paws slipped. "Damn! I mean..." He sighed. "U~rgh…"
"What the hell are you doing?" Another girl with back arrow things came up! And she was looking really mean!
Cat commando threw himself from the door and stood rigid. "I was just- I mean-... Hello, Nue-chan."
"Shut it, you sicko." Arrow girl glared at the commando of cats! "What, you lock yourself out of your kennel again?"
Cat commando tensed up, but sighed. "...Ye~s, Nue-chan-"
"Stop fucking calling me chan." Nue interrupted him.
"-I would appreciate access to my… abode." He gestured to the door.
Nue snorted. "You must've pissed on the wrong door, then. This isn't your room."
...Kitty commando didn't say anything. He just stood there.
"Why do you want in that room, Takeji?" Nue got to the point! And she has a lot of points!
"Perceptive as always..." Takeji backed up. "...This barbarian talked to Kirino-chan hours ago-"
"Fucking really!?" Nue roared!
"Eep!" I eeped!
…
They both turned to me.
I wave. "Hi. I'm just here… to-to door the floors, and wash the cleans!" Yeah!
…
"Look." Nue looked Takeji in the eyes…! "I fucking despise what you're doing to… her." She narrows her eyes, too! Oo~h! "I'm not gonna let you drag another sorry son of a bitch into your power trip!"
…
I clap! "That was awesome!"
...Nue glared at me! Oh, no!
"...Is that how it is?" Takeji looked down at her. "...I want you to know, everything I do for Kirino-chan is only in her best interests-"
"Shut up!" Nue barks at him, her eyes narrowing again.
Takeji keeps going. "-and a delightful girl such as yourself-"
"Shut up!" Nue brings up her dukes!
And-
"Shouldn't be spewing such filth!"
Takeji brings his arm wide, in one fluent, large motion-
Bam! Bam! Nue was slammed into the wall, which cracked on impact…
"Gugh!?" Nue's crushed against the wall, left to stumble out after the swipe. She slides to the floor, still glaring up at the cat. "Fu-fuhk… yoo~h…"
"Ooo~h…" I wince. O~wie. Her face was cut a little and stuff, and I think that eye is gonna hurt in the morning...
"...Now, for the uninvited spectator…" Takeji turns around, and moves towards me!
He~y, now… "Ni~ce kitty…!" I don't wanna be kitty chow!
Red bullets slam into his back! "Hnh!?" He whirls around!
Nue is standing up, looking slightly better than before! "I'm not just some pretty face, bitch!"
Seething, Takeji flexes his big paws! "I'll have you know, my anger and rage are hard to quell…!"
No. Bad kitty. I push my hand towards him, and do the zappy thing.
Zap!
"Ah…?" He twitches, and his ears go all funny! Hehehe~! He turns towards me again-"...You stupid-"
Thwa-thwack, thwack! More bullets hit the back of his head. "Your fight's with me, retard!" Nue, those are not nice things to say…
Takeji focuses on her, again. "I'll have you know-"
"He~y! We having a sparring match!?" Woah! It's a new girl! With blue hair!
Nue turned to her, eyes wide. "Wha- what!?"
"Hruh!" Takeji jabbed his paw forward-
Clonk! The girl's staff blocked it. "Nuh uh, Takeji! No sleazy sneak attacks! We gotta do it by the book!"
Takeji had enough of this, though. "...For far too long, I have been denied what is so rightfully mine!"
So I zapped him. Zap!
...Folding his ears back, he turned to me. "Could… could you cut that out? Please?"
I shake my head. "Naughty kitty."
Bam!
Omigod! Nue shapeshifted into another kitty commando! And punched the first kitty commando in the face!
"Eah!?" Takeji's arm slammed into the door as he fell-
Bam! It flew open! Stuff fell out of the inside as it jiggled like jello! Which… doors don't normally do!
"Hey, hey, hey!" Blue girl grabbed commando Nue by the leg! "Stop it, Nue! Takeji didn't deserve that!"
"What the fuck do you know!?" Nue began struggling with her, forcing the blue youkai to start wryly leaping and spinning around Nue's form to keep safe.
I run past them, zapping them all so they don't do mean things to me while I pass!
"Graa~h!" Takeji roars!
"Kya~h!?" Blue girl leaps, and- ow. She hit the ceiling. Sorry, blue girl!
"Wo-woa~h…" Nue spins around and falls over, bumping into that lamp as her ears go wild.
Inside, I slam the door!
...It doesn't stay shut, though. Awwh. I look for something to put in front of it- but there's no furniture! What!? No!
"Hey."
There's this weird floating fox lady, too! "...Hi." Please don't poof me, fox lady. It's gonna be hard getting by those mean cat warlord people again…
"What's up?" She sips from a mug.
"Good night." I don't want to talk to strange fox ladies. I just wanna sleep.
I move to the bed, and hop in, onto Brad-kun. He doesn't notice, though!
Wait- no! I'm being pulled out! "Sto~p…" I tug on the blankets, and- ow! Ow! No!
I have to fight! Turning around, I begin punching the fox-who-now-looks-like-me lady! "No, no, no! Go away! We don't want-"
Ow! M-my jaw-
Ouch…
A-ah…
Br-Brad… kun…
…
…
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: BRAD'S PERSPECTIVE ====
"...So I beat the fox lady, and I fell asleep next to the bed 'cause I was so tired!" Ha-chan proudly pressed her arms to her sides.
...That was a freakin' roller coaster.
"How'd foxy lady get into my bed, then?" I question her while we move along towards the temple's exit.
"I accidentally punched her in during the big battle!" Ha-chan grinned. "It was before I fell asleep!"
...Right. Well, I'm probably never gonna hear the real story, but I'd like to know what the fuck was up with big cat dude. Takeji, was it? Sounded like a real A-hole. Dude was so chill at first glance, too.
Who knows, maybe Ha-chan made up that stuff, or mis-remembered. I'm hopin' whiskers isn't a freakin' nut.
"So, after that…" Becoming thoughtful, she brought a finger to her lips. "...We woke up!"
Woah! "Nah, we died."
She pouted. "Oh…"
It was a good life.
…
"Wait…" Ha-chan puttin' them critical thinkin' skills ta work! "That doesn't make any sense." There we go!
I turn and pat her on the head. "You're fluffy, Ha-chan."
She smiles back at me.
Alri~ght… now to go do my daily duty!
We exit the front entrance of the temple. Kyouko is sweeping the midst of the stone path ahead, and Ichirin is, uh…
Pausing, I look a little closer. It seems she's got Unzan holding a big crate over another big crate, and looking carefully between them…
Yeah, I'm not gonna bother to find out what's going on there. She's probably testing the endurance of fluffles, or something-
Thud. The crate was dropped.
"Woa~h!" Ichirin looked off in the distance. "Where'd it go!?"
...Yeah.
Passing a startled Kyouko, I give her a wave. "Seasons greetings, friend."
"Huh…?" She turns to me. "O-oh. He-hello! I mean, bye!" Freakin' cuddly. Kyouko waves at me as I leave! "Bye to you, too, fairy person thing."
"Bye fairy dog person!" Ha-chan apparently got acquainted with her at some point.
With that, we left the temple! The steps… are icy as shit.
I turn to Ha-chan. "Fairy friend, I need to get from over here," I point down at the floor, "to over there…" I point at the bottom of the stairs. "Alive."
She smiles. "Can do, Brad-kun!"
Lifting me under her arms, she executes the easiest flying technique: moving forward while slowly being pulled towards the earth.
At the bottom, she drops me-
"Oof." -onto my ass.
"...Sorry!" She grins sheepishly.
Freakin'... "Ye." There's just dry dirt down here, so it's whatever.
Gettin' up, I give her a nod, and begin moving towards the village.
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
Man, during the day these fields can be really quiet. We're almost at the village, now, and it seems like morning… it's really nice out, actually! I mean, with the kimono. Otherwise it'd be stupid chilly.
A sunflower fairy drifted next to us, wordlessly.
…
"Hi." I greeted the new companion.
"Huh?" She turned to me. "Oh, hi~!?" She twirls away from me with wide eyes. "You're a dude!?"
I nod. "I'm fluffy, dude."
...The fairy shrugs. "Oh, well." She drifts closer to us, again.
…
I turn to Ha-chan with a brow raised. She elaborates! "Wild fairies sometimes stalk youkai for fun!"
...She must think I'm a freakin' yuki-onna, then. Facing the path ahead, I just keep walkin'...
"What? This guy- girl… thing not get the memo?" The blonde sunflower fairy inquired.
Shaking her head, Ha-chan looked over at her. "Nope! Brad-kun's not a youkai!"
…
Moments later, I'm blindsided by a fucking laser! Aaaa~h!
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
I walk up to the village gate with my kimono disheveled and my wig over my eyes.
The guard whistles. "...One of you? In the daytime?"
Making my voice lower than normal, I reply. "It was a hard night, son."
He jerks his head back. Hyonk!
...Then, he notices Ha-chan. "Ok-okay, what the hell is this? You some kinda raiding party?"
Ha-chan smiles. "Ye-"
I cover her mouth! "No! No~... We're just, uh, traveling gourmet youkai."
…
Retrospect: probably not convincing!
The guard slowly raises his bow.
Freakin'... "Dude, I'm a yuki-onna. I like, outclass you by twenty levels or something."
"You things are powerless, without your cold." The guard grins. "If you really give me trouble, I can always call for the boys."
Alright, son. We're gonna have to do this the freakin' stupid way. Reaching into my sack, I take out the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber. "Look, friend, I don't wanna start a war, here. Just lemme in and we'll, like, play freakin' tic-tac-toe or somethin'."
"You have to the count of ten." The guard begins to draw his bow.
Whelp!
I toss the hanger towards his feet and dive to the side-
Boom!
"Uaa~h!?" The guard yells, the blast flinging him away from the gate.
Quickly, I run up and grab the hanger, before pocketing it for Million Bucks. "Alright, Ha-chan. We're gonna fly over the gate!"
Ha-chan giggled. "'We'? Silly Brad-kun, you can't fly!"
I have that flail-o-copter, you know. But in this instance, that's not what I'm referring to!
Turning around, I run backwards so I can run up to the wall…
"Yo-you!" The guard sloppily raises his bow, before looking for his arrow. "Damn it…!"
A~nd run!
Woa~h, shit…! My legs, yo, they're like freakin'...!
Speeding up as I neared the wall, I did an awkward slowdown to prepare myself for a leap! "Hup!"
Ho~ly shit! Well, I cleared the wall, and then some! Up here, to prevent myself from breaking my legs, I swing Million Bucks in an attempt to do that awkward slide...
Oh, I'm an idiot- it's my double jump! I try to jump…!
...There we go. I'm gliding above the roofs now! Well, not for long, at this rate…
After a moment, I skid against the top of a flat roof. Once I leave the side of it, I bring up my arms-
Bam. They hit the side of a house's roofing, and I fall down to the floor.
Thud. "Ugh…" I fell like ten feet onto my stomach. Jesus, fuck…
...Ha-chan touches down near me. "Are you okay, Brad-kun?"
"Ye-yeah…" I put up a hand as I use the wall to lurch back into a standing position. "Gravity just bein' a bitch, as usual…"
I am now behind enemy lines, yo.
Getting out of the dirt, again, and stumbling along the side of the house, I find myself recover enough to not walk like I'm handicapped by the time I get into the road proper. I also pocket Million Bucks while I'm at it. No one trusts a man with static legs, yo. In fact, I think everyone is more likely to be completely suspicious of a man with statically charged legs!
Approachin' the village square, I look to the right. There's a job board there, and I see Fred!
As I walk up to the board, Fred turns to me, taking a moment to sigh. "...Of course you bastards've been putting jobs up on our board. Do- do ya even do anything!?"
I nod, grinning. "It's me, Fred."
"Oh- holy…!" Fred looks horrified. "Gods! What the' bloomin' hell're…" After a moment, he sighs. "Yeah, okay. Look, I'm busy, mate. I need some grocery money for Sarah and myself, an' I'm not gonna make it standing here bein' baffled by your bullshit."
Wahaha!
...Turning away from my chuckling form, he looks at the job board again, before turning to Ha-chan.
Ha-chan was snuggly looking.
Fred waved her off, muttering to himself. "Ah, sod off…"
He turned back to the job board.
...I look to the side-
Oh, hey! It's Matt, with a backpack! A Mattpack! Also, a snazzy tuxedo…!
As he walks towards me he pulls out a gun sweet Jesus.
"Yo, yo!" I put out my arms. "I don't need that, son! I don't need it!"
Fred pauses, before turning to him. His eyes widen, and he backs against the boards as Matt walks towards me, the pistol aimed high in the air, at my head.
"I don't see what the big deal is." Matt grins, stopping a reasonable firing distance away with the pistol. Where the hell'd he even get a modern pistol!? Freakin'... I blame fluffles!
"Yeah, well, I do!" I retort. "Point it at him, not me!" I point at Fred.
...Matt points it at Fred, too.
Fred sticks his arms up. "Uh- no! You- yeah, no! He… he deserves it more!" Fred points at me. "I-I have a girlfriend!"
...Matt points it at me again. Freakin'...!
I point at him. "Son. Ya wouldn't. I dare ya. I double dare y-"
'Bang'. A thing stuck outta Matt's pistol.
It'sa flag!
…
I walk around a little to see what's written on the side.
'Bang'. In like, Courier New on a white background.
...I look over at Matt, and grin back at him. "You~ son of a beetch!"
"Bang, son." He greeted me.
...Fred nodded slowly. "Of course you two clowns'd know each other. I was half hopin' one 'a you'd finally kill each other."
Matt shrugs. "Well, I could always start now."
...I turn to Ha-chan, who did literally nothing to help me when Matt was pointing a pistol at me. "Friend. I had a gun at my head. What were ya doin'!?"
Ha-chan blinks. "...That was a gun?"
You~ freakin'...!
"Nope." Matt shakes his head. "It wasn't a gun. It was a bang gun."
Alright, time to look at the job board...
...
…Which is entirely in Japanese. Aaaa~h, aaa~h!
Matt tries his hand at the board, too. He inspects it diligently and carefully! He's probably scanning how many hit points it has, yo…!
…
"I have come to a conclusion." He announces.
...Fred turns to him.
"I don't have a clue what this says."
A moment later, some really posh dude walks up behind us. He's in like, holy armor from the first crusade or some shit, all adorned in crosses. He's got a posting from the job board in his hands, and he's lookin' at it rea~l carefully.
"...Excuse me, good fellows, and yuki-onna?" He addresses us politely. "I am looking for a party of youkai hunters- no offense," he holds up a hand for me, "to join me in completing this quest."
Fred slouches, turning to him. "Well, what is it, then?"
"It is to kill an arch-magus by the name of Alice Margatroid." He nodded slowly, eyes furrowed as he read from the paper. "The reward is sixty thousand yen… I-I could split it, if you all wanted."
Oo~h. O~h no. That wouldn't end well at all.
I shake my head, and grab a random job from the job board. "Look, son, there's only one way that's gonna end. Here…" After ripping it off, I go up to the holy fellow, and replace the one in his hands with it.
...His face lights up. "Aa~h, one million yen! You have a keen eye, yuki-onna!"
Fred jerks his head back. "Oh, boy! Who's it!?"
...He tilts his head. "Yuuka Kazami, a plant youkai."
Oh, shit, that's even worse!
Fred seemed to be in on the memo, though. "Yea~h… no. I don't feel like having my entrails done in as flower seasoning, thank ye' very much."
...I look over at Matt, who seems to have grabbed a paper and began writing random Japanese figures onto it.
...He pointed at one job. "What does this say?"
Ha-chan leaned over and looked at it. "U~hm… capture… the… cereal-eater…"
Matt looked over at her dryly. "Any names?"
"Yeah, Matt!" She smiled.
Matt promptly grabs the job and crumples it up, before ripping it into itty bitty pieces, and casting them to the air.
I see he's been busy! Considerin' he's got a bad place in Reimu's books… ho ho ho!
The holy dude sighs. "I just can't seem to find a good job, these days. It's all either menial labor, or travel over long distances. I can't catch a break!"
Fred snorts. "Have you seen the board recently, mate? I-I mean, look a' this one..." Bringing his finger up, he points at one of the jobs on it.
It's written in English, and written in crayon.
'GT MY SHOS BAK'
My eyes drift to the job description…
'SM AASSS WHOE TK MY SHOS'
Ah. That'll help people… perform the job.
No~w, let's see the reward…!
'STFF'
Just what I always wanted.
Fred chuckled. "O-okay, maybe not that one… but lookie 'ere." He points at another job, in Japanese. "Like, what the bloody hell is this!?"
Holy man snorted. "...Kill the giant, flaming, magnetic, invisible, nil elemental bird girl?"
Giant flaming magnetic invisible nil elemental bird girl.
"Like, how the hell're we s'posed to do that!?" Fred grinned. "An' look at the location: 'oh just somewhere two thousand feet in the air,' like…" Chuckling, he shakes his head. "Who the fuck'd do that for ten thousand yen!?"
...I look over at Matt again.
"What does that symbol mean?" Matt points at a precise character.
Ha-chan shrugs. "I dunno! I didn't learn that one yet! I think…"
Shrugging, he writes it down on what seems to be his fifth job proposal paper. "Good enough."
The other jobs he wrote all seem to be on the board now. No wonder this thing's so full of spam… people can just up 'n' freakin' put stupid shit on all day!
...Oh my God, this is the ancient version of 4Chan. Or, at least, message boards. Since it is, in fact, a message board in the literal sense.
Fred looked over at what Matt was putting on the board. "...'Wash my apples'? 'Death burn toast'?"
...Chuckling, I defend the jobs. "Hey, yo. Somebody's gotta do 'em."
The holy dude huffed. "Oh, this is absurd…"
Reaching for the board, he surprised me by not taking one of Matt's jobs off, instead plucking off an entirely unrelated one. "These people beckoning for the death of the Hakurei miko bite the hand that feeds them."
Fred rolls his eyes, looking back at the board.
"As a defender of the holy, I stand with those who stand with the gods." Holy man nods confidently. "Regardless of their stances."
Oh, good! I'm surrounded by assholes!
"What does this job say?" Matt points to one he just took off the board.
Ha-chan tilts her head. "...Capture man, who stole a~... clothing from my store. I think a dress!"
"Which symbol was for… dress?" He furrows his brows, staring down at the paper.
Ha-chan points at it. "That one!"
He crosses it out. "Alright. Now, what is the kanji for virginity?"
You expect fluffy face over here to-
"Here, lemme…" Ha-chan reaches for the pencil he was using, and uses it to write the symbols herself.
Well, then…!
"Here~ we go!" The Fifth Crusader took a job off of the board. "This is a job I've wanted to perform for quite some time, now…!"
Backing up, he holds it up for Fred and me…
...Fred tilts his head. "I think we could… maybe."
I throw my arms up in the air. "Can't read Japanese, dude. Help a yuki-onna out."
The guy looks down at the job to read it. "Defeat the Doppelganger. Last seen… fleeing towards the Scarlet Devil Mansion."
Oh, boy.
"It is extremely shy." He reads. "However, it is also quick to attack. You'll know it when you see it."
...Yeah, definitely.
"Be on the lookout for Scarlet Tangos, Fairy Maids, and Fairies." He smiles confidently. "There's also a few bonus conditions, here…"
Fred looks interested. "Ooh, I didn't see those. What're they?"
"They both increase the reward by fifty thousand yen." He adds. "One is to defeat a nearby wind elemental honey bee."
...Wat.
"The other is to defeat the Dragonborn who stands the gate in front of the Scarlet Devil Mansion." Holy person finishes. "...Those both sound like rather easy goals. I don't know of this 'dragonborn' person myself, but surely a simple gatekeeper can't be all that bad."
How are you not already dead? "We're, uh, not gonna do that last one." I state pre-emptively.
Fred jerks his head back. "Wha~h? Oh, c'mon! There're four of us! An' knowing you and mister gloomy over there, we c' probably raid that bloody mansion ourselves!"
You guys are vastly underestimating the power of loli vampires. "Yeah- I don't think ya guys understand the kinda gas they're cookin' with over there…"
"The hell does gas hafta do with anything?" Shaking his head, Fred waves me off. "Ah, w'ever. The more 'a us who don't wanna do it, just means we'd fuck it up harder if we actually tried."
Honh. To clarify, though... "I'm cool with finding out what this wind honey bee situation is, though."
"Alright…" Big bad holy man takes the job, and stuffs it into the pocket of his freakin' plated pants. "Who else is bringing potions?"
…
Matt looks over with a raised brow, before looking back at the paper he was defacing.
"I might, uh… have an ether?" Fred phrases that more like a question than an answer.
"...Okay. It's alright, I have the mega potions." Folding his arms, holy man huffs again. "...I suppose I shouldn't have anticipated that the youkai bring any potions."
It's alright, yo. He has the mega potions!
I grin. "Hey, what can I say? I'mma- I'mma yookie-oona, son. I dunno what potions are."
"Oo~h!" Making a cuddly noise, Ha-chan prances in front of the job board. "There's a posting here about a song!"
"...I think we should get going." Mike Pence decides to begin mobilizing us, moving away. "Meet me at the village gate, if you're ready, men."
Before we head off, Matt looks up at the poster with the song on it. He uses his pencil to write random symbols next to some headers on it-
"O~w!"
...I look to the middle of the village square, noticing a white-suited girl stumbling about. "Ha-harsh, dude…!"
I dunno how those events even correlate… or if they correlate at all!
...Yo, yo! Fred and Jesus Man are walking off! "Yo, c'mon friends!" Beckoning Matt and Ha-chan, I begin to follow after them.
Matt slips on some foxy mask, and Ha-chan floats after us, which catches the attention of some nearby villagers. No one's stare lingers, once they realize she's a fairy, though.
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
Outside the village gates, we ready to set out!
"...We should probably get acquainted." Holy man states. "My name is Mike." Holy shit, I was right…!
"Call me Fred." Honh, honh, honh…!
Their gazes turn to me.
I wave casually. "Kaguya Houraisan."
...Fred furrows his brows. "Y'name's Brad, you twat."
Hyonk, hyonk, hyonk!
Matt taps Mike on the shoulder. "Give me your soul."
"Oh, gods!" Mike flinches back, scrambling for his sword, before he recognizes him. "...This is no time to be joking around, good sir."
"Who said I was joking?" Matt does what he does best.
...Rolling his eyes, Mike looks at the path ahead. "Alright, men. If we get started now, we should be back by sundown."
Ho ho. Don't want our mommies and daddies to know we're out after dark, yo.
"Good, good…" Fred nods. "Sh' we get started now?"
"Yes. Let's!" Looking confident once again, Mike raises his holy lookin' blade into the air. "Onward, men! Tonight we kill a Doppelganger! In the name of God!"
Because God can't kill it itself, I'm sure. Y'know, the infinitely powerful being. Where the hell did a Christian crusader even come from?
Moving forward, our quest begins!
...Ha-chan tilts her head. "Which god?"
We're movin' down the Hakurei path right now. It should be relatively safe at the moment, all things considered. Shit, is there any wood to knock on…? I think I just jinxed us!
...Turning to Ha-chan, Mike gets flustered. "Wh-what do you mean, 'which god'? There is only one god, fair fairy."
Ha-chan furrows her brows. "But- but I met this really nice god one time, and she gave me sweets!" Huh.
"Well, what did he look like, then?" Shaking his head, Mike pressed forward.
Interjecting, Fred painted us a picture. "Was 'e fat, and with only one eyeball?" ...Fred, what the fuck're you even talking about!?
"No!" Ha-chan gets defensive! "She was really really nice, and had blond hair!" Sounds like Suwako… I think.
Hakurei shrine coming up on the right, now!
"...She?" The concept baffled Mike. "Wh-what do you mean she!?"
Ah, you're right, yo. Assumed God's gender. God's obviously an Apache attack helicopter.
Right in front of the shrine's steps, some fairies fly out ahead of us!
A fairy with white and black hair and similarly colored pupiless eyes floats in the midst of a tiny formation before us.
"Ahk!" Mike raises his blade into the air. "Unholy creatures!"
"Woa~h…" Ha-chan blinks. "I never saw a fairy like her, before! She's really pretty!"
A white, seemingly plastic chair materialized under the odd yin-yang colored fairy. "...Go." Her voice was solid and monotone, as she spread out an arm.
The formation of bobbed, turquoise-haired companions spread out, surrounding us as they floated high into the air.
"You!" Running forward, Mike points his sword at the yin-yang colored fairy. "You must be the ringleader!" Good job, Mike. You know how to assess basic team compositions.
The fairy doesn't respond, blankly staring forward.
"Power!" Mike's sword glows a holy yellow, as he reels his arm back, and lobs it forward. "Hoh!"
The blade zooms forth, becoming a disc of light as it closes in on the fairy…
Fwoam. It phases through the fairy harmlessly.
"Yer boned!" Fred raises his staff. "Take this!"
Thwa~sh! Thwa-thwa~sh! Three kinda tiny thunderbolts struck down where the superior fairy was, her form shimmering as the bolts harmlessly passes through her and her chair.
Promptly, she floated over our head as if to get away from the focus-fire, relocating herself to the back of our party and just floating there on her chair.
"What…!?" Baffled and surprised, Mike barely managed to catch his sword as it boomeranged back to him. "Vile fiend! What trickery have you cast!?"
Is no one going to question the fairies that just up and flew upwards?
Looking up, I see four slow moving orbs heading for us. I back out of the way, as Matt seems to have done already.
Ha-chan and Fred get hit by the orbs-
Fwam! Fwam!
With two flashes of blue light, two of the fairies that floated above are now in their place. "Hehehe~!"
I look up, and Ha-chan is now in the air. Fred is soon to not be in the air. "Woh- holy shit!"
...To my surprise, Fred halts his descent! "Fuck me…!"
"You can fly!?" I yell up at him.
He glares down at me. "...The hell d'ya mean, 'can you fly'!? I'm a fucking wizard! 'Course I can!"
This changes everything…!
...Well, not really. But yo…!
...One of the newly teleported fairies drifts closer to me. I wave at it, "Hello, frie-"
It shoots an orb!
Fwam!
We trade places, and I'm left a little dizzy. "-eh~ho ho ho…!"
"Hehehe~!" She seems to like teleporting people.
That's it, yo… "C'mere!"
I glomp her!
"He-hey!" She tries to wiggle out of my grasp, but I don't let go, yo!
Fwam!
...Now she's holding me! She lets go, and quickly drifts away from me.
Before the other fairy can react, I glomp that one. "Ugh…!" She fights my grasp.
"You're fluffy." I try to nuzzle her neck, but-
Fwam! We trade places again.
"What are you doing!?" Aghast, Mike yells at me.
"Hu-hugging the enemy!" I inform him, hastily attempting to snaggle me that fairy again. "They're soft, and warm to the touch!"
While I try to get a grasp on that space fairy again, Mike runs up-
"Hoh!" He jabs.
Pi~chun!
His holy blade went through the torso of the fairy I was trying to wrangle. Freakin'...
"Fire!" Fred twirls his staff in the air.
Pi~chun! One of the space fairies in the air bursts into flames.
Her friend clams up. "Hawawa~!? Left-chan!?"
What kind of a name is 'left-chan'!?
The fairy on the floor shoots her orb at Mike. He raises his sword to block it-
Fwam!
-which doesn't work at all.
"Wo-woaa~h!" He fell on his bum after a moment of fighting gravity. "...Your accursed tricks will not best a man like me!" Shaking his fist, he began to get back up…
...I look around, and see Matt curiously approaching that one fairy on the chair. He reaches for the chair-
Fwoam. The chair shimmered, his hand passing through it. The fairy sitting atop it doesn't bother to look at him.
Ha-chan flies towards the remaining space fairy in the air. "Hello!"
...After giving her a glare, the space fairy shot an orb at her.
Fwam!
They traded places, but Ha-chan didn't seem terribly offput by it. "Awhaww~!" She gushed, even!
I leap at the space fairy near the ground, and latch onto her leg!
"Get o~ff!" She yells! From there, she begins kicking me the old-fashioned way.
"Oof! Yo!" I shield myself from the bombardment!
In the background, Matt jumps up and tries to stab the sitting fairy with some scissors.
Fwoam. His arm passes straight through her torso and the back of her chair, both shimmering briefly upon passage.
"Ru~h!" Mike pulls off an exaggerated combo finisher, doing a full spin before he finally brings his blade through the space fairy I was trying to inconvenience.
Pi~chun!
Yo ho ho~... "Why've you gotta kill all the fairies, son?"
He scoffs. "They seek only to create mischief and adultery. The lesser, the better."
...Also space, since they seem to be space fairies, but y'know… also, that sounds like me. Ho ho!
Fred flies towards the space fairy Ha-chan was talking with, albeit slowly. Once there, for whatever unholy reason, he tries to engage it in melee combat with his staff. "Hah!"
He swings wide, and misses. The fairy shoots an orb at him-
Fwam!
"Guh!?" Fred falls a little before catching himself. "...Alright, ya've asked for it! Freeze!"
Aiming his staff, Fred shot a spread shot of ice particles up at the space fairy.
Pi~chun! Once one hit her, she exploded.
"Eep!" Ha-chan twirled out of the way of one. "Watch it, mister!"
"Yeah, yeah…" Dismissively, Fred floated back down towards us.
With all of the space fairies dead, we heard a faint clink sound come from the fairy who sat and watched the entire time.
...Slowly, she stood up in the air, and the chair faded into nothing behind her. "I will measure your strength."
Matt grabs onto her leg, before she drifts too high. "Hey."
She doesn't acknowledge him, and instead starts floating in a slow circle around our party's general area. He's still stuck to her leg, too!
Groaning, Fred clutches his face. "For fuck's sake- do you two 'ave a thing for fairies or som'n!?"
Matt glances at him. "Only the highest quality."
...Looking restless, Mike complains. "Well, get off her leg. We need to hit her without hitting you."
…
We all stand here while the fairy drifts around us with Matt on her leg.
Ha-chan slowly drifts down to join us.
…
"What's your name?" Ha-chan asks her casually, floating up to meet with the fairy.
She opens her mouth-
...What, uh… what kind of noise was that?
...Ha-chan blinks. "Uhm…?"
It was like freakin'... wind blowing off of a empty jar, or a vacuum cleaner. A really calm vacuum cleaner.
"Is that your name?" Ha-chan gets up in the fairy's face.
"It has been written." The fairy gives a cryptic reply.
"Fucking…" Fred Fuckstone's ready to go nuclear, yo!
While the two fairies float, I see Matt beginning to lose his grip. He reaches for something to grab that isn't the slick stocking of the fairy, and ends up grabbing, uh…
Her skirt starts to drop-
Her eyes flare, paler tints of white and black revealed in them.
Fwoa~m!
Expelled from her figure, Matt slides along the floor on his butt, a mysterious energy pushing him off and forcing Ha-chan away. "Wa~h!"
The fairy's form shimmers, and vanishes.
…
"Two of you are incomplete."
We turn to see the tricky dicky behind us! Ho ho ho~!
I exaggeratedly have a mini-seizure with my arms. "Jesus! Pulled a Harry Houdini or some shit!"
...Stretching her arms out, from behind her some weird bramble-like things extend outward. They stretch around the general circle where the party is, when a few start deviating and stretching towards us, as if intent on sliding into our figures.
"Accursed frankenstein magic!" Mike observes, as he raises his sword. Then, he employs the fabled strategy of running in a circle to avoid oncoming damage!
Fred's taken by surprise. "Wo-wot!?"
A bramble slides into him. "Ow! Gaa~h!" He stumbles out of it, as if they didn't share the same space. The bramble was more like metal; flat, two dimensional, and freakin' sharp lookin'. It had a sliver of crimson on it once Fred moved away, but it quickly faded into the bramble's ethereal form.
"Gravity." Matt flexed his hand.
Fwoa~m. An orb of darkness formed over the fairy, expanding as it enveloped the fairy's form. Once it finalized, it vanished.
"Gh…"
The fairy's boots loudly stamped against the dirt path's surface, her arms flexed as if she was pushing against the air. The brambles still remained around us, but they didn't actively shift, instead stopping all activity on a dime.
The fairy's hands crackled with white electricity, and she stared forward with her usual blank expression.
"Now!" Fred exclaimed.
Mike ran towards the fairy. "I will see you slain!"
As he nears, he swings wide. "Hra~h!"
"Hahn!" The fairy lets out a yell as the sword slices through her, but her body reforms where the blade slid through, white electricity accenting the slash's covered area.
From there, she raises her hand-
Cling!
A magical barrier formed. Mike swung at it-
Cling!
-and his sword bounced off, naturally.
"The most foul of tricks…!" He grimaced.
"She blocked your sword! To prevent you from killing her!" What a disaster!
"Who would do such a thing!?" Seeking answers, Mike swung at the mirror-like barrier again.
Cling! Answer's not gonna change, big guy. No matter how many times ya freakin'...
He swings again-
Cra~ck!
The magic barrier shatters, but she's not on the other side.
...I look around, and she's to our right, just floating there behind the brambles. Matt's also working around the side towards her, since he was trapped outside the ring of pain.
"The most vile of gangster magic!" Raising his fist to the sky, Mike draws a huge scowl. "She has escaped!"
Gangster magic…!?
...I watch Matt move up to her side. He taps her on the shoulder-
She quickly slides back in the air, and two light orbs expel from her hands-
Frash-Frash!
They explode into bright, shimmering orbs of similar non-elemental energy that the shield seemed to be made of. Matt flew back, passing harmlessly through the steel-like brambles before landing next to us. "Hrmh…"
...I reach forward and try to grab a bramble, only for my hand to phase through entirely, as if it wasn't even there. Jesus, what is this fairy made of!? S'it the lovechild of some holy and dark fairies or some shit!?
"Blast!" Mike runs into the brambles, and at the fairy. When he gets close, she slides back again, and repeats the same strategy that launched Matt-
Frash! Frash!
"Huwoa~h!" Mike flew back through the air, his sword clattering beside him once he landed next to us. "Augh!"
...Dusting himself off, Matt stood up. "Well this is going to be annoying."
"Thunda~!" Fred tried to be cool.
Thwa~sh! A single small bolt struck down, striking the unknown elemental fairy.
"Uhn…!" She flinched.
She hasn't done any really dangerous attacks yet, so I just jump in place. "Woa~h!"
...Fred turns to me. "She- she didn't even attack you. Why're you yelling?"
...I use my yelling magic on him. "Aah!"
Matt moves towards the fairy, slowing to examine the bramble but pushing through it anyway, finding out it offers no resistance.
...Finally, Mike gets off his ass. "U~rgh… the trickery of fairies knows no bounds."
All of the previous brambles suddenly vanish without explanation.
Stumbling around, Fred blinks. "Oh… okay."
Then, the fairy summons more of the weird brambles from her arms, forming another ring around all of us.
Matt's closed the distance between himself and the fairy, this time. He drew the pink scissors from his pocket, and tossed them forward, to the side of the fairy.
Once he was close for too long, the fairy's eyes flared, and he was pushed back again, slowly sliding towards us. This time, however, the scissors went around her form, wrapping her up in a very hard to see string he had tied to the scissors. They returned to him with some freakin' otherworldly level of force, allowing him to lock himself at a certain, mediocre distance.
The brambles slid towards us, again! This time, Fred booked it, running circles within the ring. He ran through the moving brambles a few times, but was ultimately unscathed. Where the frik are their hitboxes…?
I dodge out of the way of the tip of one extending bramble, but it literally curves just to hit me-
"Gugh…!" Wo-woah…
My vision blurs for a moment as I step back out of the bramble. I check myself for wounds, but can't seem to find any. Even so, I see some blood on the bramble as it extends back towards the ring…
I feel like I got stung by a freakin' bee. Jesus…!
"You'd dare injure your own kind!?" Mike roars while doing fuck and all to actually attack the fairy at the moment. "Have you no shame!?"
Fred sighs. "Mate- look… she's a fairy, he's… he's not even actually a-"
"Youkai are youkai." Mike makes his intelligence pronounced.
"...Ah." Throwing an arm into the air, Fred shakes his head.
Slowly, Matt moves towards the fairy, wrapping some of the string around scissors as he slowly closed in on her.
...Once he got within adequate distance, her eyes flared again. He found his legs getting pushed back, but not the rest of himself, leading to him having to power walk to not trip.
I took out Fairy Harp, "Don't worry, son, I gotcha covered," and tossed it!
As it neared the fairy, it stopped and came back towards me.
I was not prepared for that! It fell and hit my knee. "Ow- shit! Freakin'... yo ho ho! It came back, dude, it came back!"
Well, so much for that. Glad I didn't chuck the Bawmber at her, then…!
"Come o~n!" Letting out a battlecry, Mike charged forward. Eventually, the current was too strong for him, leading to him being stuck running in place as he tried to close in on her.
"You people are fucking stupid, I swear…" With that, Fred cast another spell. "Ignite!"
A fireball expanded around the unidentified fairy's form, engulfing her.
Fwoom!
Once it was gone-
Pi-Chuu-Chuu-Chuu~sh…
The fairy exploded into a violent blast of wind. The gust surged outward, whipping past all of us and pushing us a little.
In the midst, a dark grey stone fell to the ground. Matt quickly moved to snatch it up, since he was closest. What, she drop a freakin' regular rock, or somethin'?
"Fucking… finally." Exhaling, Fred turns around. "C'mon. We gotta get the hell outta here before the Hakurei miko beats us up for lookin' funny. Especially you." He points at me.
"We must make haste! Let us move!" Raising his sword up, Mike dashed ahead.
I briefly brushed the spot where that bramble poked through me, still kinda able to feel it. Freakin' bee stings do that to ya.
As I moved forward, Ha-chan floated overhead and Matt caught up alongside me. We continued forward towards the Misty Lake area, where Cirno hopefully won't be today.
If all the mook waves we get're gonna be like that, this is gonna be a long day…!
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
END OF CHAPTER 48
PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Fairy Slayer, Accidental Human Slayer, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Village Liberator, Eientei Crucible, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine, Sky Climber, Amateur Espionage Practitioner, Illegal Fairy Harborer, Holder of Too Many Titles.
PRIMARY WEAPON: Tundra Bloomer - A earth-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock; has a flower curved around the hilt. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. Allows casting of Gaia Seed. Casts Tundra, a weak spike of ice!
INVENTORY:
Youkai Inconveniencer - Semi-crux to youkai and undead via a holy spell and being naturally strong against them, but isn't particularly efficient. Most respectable youkai seem to only be momentarily stunned, and anything without visual receptors or possibly a pair of sunglasses would probably be immune. Acts as a flashlight via candles. Converted to a flail with cross necklaces! Can cast Shine.
Fairy Harp - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can create small compressed air blasts. By the addition of a steel block, it gained enhanced striking power and weight, along with increased ability to channel magic into any sort of special effects it has. Sparkles in the light due to fairy dust, able to reduce the accuracy of weak, biological enemies by irritating their senses with the dust. Can play beautiful, flat-tone musi~c!
Flame Salvo - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Enchanted to have an incendiary effect upon sufficient striking force, or sufficient velocity. Good for burning stuff and people! Boosts fire abilities, allows physical strikes to do fire damage. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Has a flamethrower nozzle. Can cast Fume, has Flamethrower Plus!
Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.
Deep Blue - A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Enchanted to constantly produce fresh water. Boosts abilities of water-based attacks and allows physical attacks to deal water damage. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...
Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.
Sharper Than Darkness - A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon style, with increased bleeding but fighting power being the main attributes. Can cast Revenge, a dark spell which has more extreme proportions of the weapon's innate attributes. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to give it an extra deadly edge in combat.
Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.
Million Bucks - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger, from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, and gift from Flandre Scarlet. Has an obsolete map of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Slight damage vulnerability when used, which has worn over time. With added electric and holy charms, the hanger's gained the ability to deal electrical and holy damage. Is able to fluidly chain attacks for stringing together longer aerial and ground combos. Allows the user to fluidly transition from combo to jumping. Allows forced aerial combo support. Grants the user the ability to air slide. Increased jump height when running. Gives motion sickness with avid use!
Market Gardener - Critical hits during blast jumps! Otherwise, it's just a normal, old plant hanger. Named after a very similar shovel…!
NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please. Unless you're surrounded by fairies who don't know the difference- but y'know- that opportunity's a freakin' million to one.
NERF longsword - 'CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals'… you know what that means! Maybe one day this will actually come in handy...
Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! 75% time resistance on equip. Voice, face, and height specifications not included!
Monk Robes - Wear to become a Buddhist! Actually pretty comfy…!
Butterfly Dream Pills - Makes you dream of being a beautiful butterfly!... now, if only there was a pill for lucid or wet dreams, and then I'd consider Yagokoro the doctor to end all doctors!
Remilia Scarlet Disguise - Wearing this as a tall manchild's probably not doing anyone with eyes any favors. Has resistances of sorts, but I'm not in a big fat hurry to find out what they are…
Toasty Yuki-onna Kimono - Best winter clothing twenty fifteen. Fifty percent ice and freezing resistance, but negative fifty percent fire and burning resistance!
PARTY:
London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks, both the magical and physical variety. Has lance, can shoot danmaku. Variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly.
PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. London shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.
Mike, the Generic Youkai Hunter - A guy straight from the Holy Crusades who looks like he's about to drop from a freakin' siege tower. Broad shouldered, short hair, and has holy armor… which doesn't do a hell of a lot of good when we fight anything that isn't holy. Doesn't seem to know any magic, but he can throw his sword like a boomerang! He's…. he's got that goin' for him.
PRIMARY WEAPON: Angel Blade - A very creatively named holy sword. Does holy damage. That's… that's it. If you fill it with mana, you can throw it like a boomerang. If you don't have the technique down, the return trip will fuck you up, though. Looks like a rather standard broadsword.
INVENTORY:
Mega Potion - Gives entire party youkai-like regeneration for a few moments. How, like… how does a party even use this? Do we all drink from it, or what!?
Hi-Potion - One of the instant-heal potions of yore. Instantly heals health to full, for most humans. Probably crappy for anyone who's not a human, though.
Potion - Gives user youkai-like regeneration for a few moments.
(four more spaces)
Fred, the Elementalist Human Mage - Hey, look, it's Fred Fuckstone! Knows a lotta basic elemental spells, ranging from fire to thunder and frost, a~nd… that's it. I think. He can fly, too, but seems to like to not do that. Probably hooked up with that Sarah girl while I wasn't lookin', which is pretty darn cute, yo. At least he's not trying to raid the mansion, anymore. I think.
PRIMARY WEAPON: Wood Staff - You can freakin' hit people with it, du~de! Probably lets Fred use magic, or something.
INVENTORY:
Hi-Ether - Restores a fuckton of mana, more than most humans can hold.
Ether - Restores a humane amount of mana.
(one more space)
Hana, the Electric Elemental Stalker Maid - She's friendly, dude. She's getting better at using thunder magic, too! Cyan hair and eyes, likes to be fluffy, so on and so forth. I don't got a whole lot ta add about her…
PRIMARY WEAPON: A really weak zap attack!
INVENTORY:
Probably some rocks - Yeah.
Matthew, the Debatably Sane Outsider, Lord of Edges, Scissor-Slinging Slasher, Insurance Fraud Expert
PRIMARY WEAPON: Pro~bably a pair of scissors…? - They're sharp, and allow you to stab people! Like a murdererman!
INVENTORY:
[Bag of Holding] - A bag that holds some of his crap.
What's Inside That Bag - I have no freakin' idea- look, look, just go back to his freakin' chapter. It'll all pretty much be there!
(? spaces remaining)
[Mattpack] - Probably full of more crap! Looks a little light, though.
More Stuff - Aaa~h, aaaa~h!
Dense Shard - That thing he just picked up. I dunno what he did with it, though, but it's his now.
(? spaces remaining)
ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:
Ho ho~!
hello friends
and that's another batch DOWN YO; college done did beat me the fuck up but i lived through my semester and things
let me tell you: the 'real world' fucking sucks… and by that, i mean i'm just bellyachin' about jobs and how job markets work and yadda yadda you're not here to hear about that
BUT ANYWAY school goes well
it's winter break now which may or may not mean faster progress but you probably won't notice because i like to take my time anyway
also i spent the last week not writing at all and just working on a little certain somethin' that i might unveil if i find the correct resources and find the right time to finish it up; it's fanfic related but is moreso practice for myself in the field it pertains to
i'm keeping it a surprise for now because i'm a cheeky bastard- but DON'T go suspectin' no christmas releases or anything, i'd have to be some kinda god to finish it that fast
consider this chapter batch my christmas present to you, yo… even if ya don't celebrate it 'cause my POINT STILL STANDS
once again i'm gonna shamelessly beg for feedback, because that's just what i do, i want you guys to hold my hand like i'm five and tell me how terrible/great things are goin' with this fic; i know that might seem improper or something but y'know, FIFTY THOUSAND WORDS LATER and it's just me and my proofreader up in here, you start ta feel like yer CAUGHT IN AN ECHOCHAMBER
although i do sincerely thank all of you who gave me big paragraphs of feedback for the last batch of chapters; it really means a lot to me to supply me with feedback, and the more indepth you get, it really helps me gauge audience appeal and whether or not i'm getting things or becoming a freakin' insane person etc... so yeah, big shout out to all you guys, it really really means a lot to me; people like you help me better build stories
...echochamber looks weird when capitalized
anyway yeah
Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Happy Kwanza, Happy freakin'... Halloween. Have a good one, folks!
and as always… see you all next time!
