(in which we use the bartering system of the street people)

"Pull, yo…!" Tug, friend, tug!

"Enh!" Ha-chan pulls!

"Harder!" You can do this, friend! "Pain is only weakness leaving the body!"

"A-aahn!" Ha-chan tugs the giant tower thing with me. It's heavy as fuck, but we're making progress…! It was one of those towers that Sakuya freakin' assassinated last time, before she freakin' assassinated Fred and Mike.

"...I am having increased doubts you are an actual yuki-onna." Oh, yeah, we found Letty Whiterock on the way. She's pushing the back half-heartedly… when she could be pushing the entire thing.

I wave her off. "Aaa~h. I-I'm certified!" Like, yo. "I got my yuki-onna license... from yuki-onna school."

...Lookin' over to Letty, I see her giving me a dry stare. "...That further cements my belief that you're not of my kind."

What!? Dude! "Look- I dunno what else to tell ya- I studied all two hundred and two… yuki-onna rules." Please accept my smug grin as a peace offering!

"Ehn!" Ha-chan tugs along with me on the red dead tower thing.

"...What's even more ironic is that kimono." She looks down at my white, only very faintly orange-tinted kimono. "It produces heat. It's like you mock us."

I shake my head. "Now that is not intentional. I actually really like yuki-onnas, aside from the whole 'eating your heat and soul' thing. So much so that I felt like dressin' up!" C'mon, don't lie, yuki-onna are the bomb, yo.

"...So you admit you are not one." She smiles smugly back at me.

Oh, you. "Was there any doubt?"

"I don't know." She looks over the big red cylinder we were carrying, momentarily. "You said you had even gone as far as to study all two hundred yuki-onna rules."

...Wait. "Do… those actually exist?" She's actually kinda serious looking, all of a sudden...

"No." She grins.

Freakin'... Letty's sharp. Now I feel bamboozled.

"Anh!" Don't worry, Ha-chan, we're almost to the Kourindou with this thing. Actually- he~y! Just like, twenty more tugs!

"...It seems we're almost there." Letty noted dully. "If I want to collect your heat, I'd best do it now."

Oh, shit. Yeah, no. "Hey, hey…"

"It's just how it is." She smiles at me tiredly. "I want to nap, soon, and I don't really care that you're sympathetic…" Yawning, she accents her point inadvertently. "...Four cards? I win, you sleep."

"I helped out a yuki-onna, I think." This connection better work! "This one girl floated after me the other day, and I took her down to the Myouren Temple, where Byakuren hooked her up with mad heat."

...Letty blinked. "She does that?"

...Huh. "You didn't know? I dunno if Byakuren's just got a dispensary, but it made the yuki-onna like, sentient again."

"Her name…" Letty also stopped pushing the freakin' oversized cylinder, leading to Ha-chan making a strained face as she pulled really hard…

"Was it Mihoko?" Letty looked me in the eye.

...I shrug. "I don't freakin' know. She didn't remember shit."

...Letty nodded, loosening her focus as she gazed ahead again. "Alright. You've convinced me. I'll head down to the temple… after I sleep." She yawns again… "Let's get this thing into the Kourindou, then."

Her yawnin' makes me yawn… "Hoa~h…" Freakin' Letty.

"...Maaa~u…" Ha-chan let out a cute little yawn…!

And then-

Ho~h! Letty lifts the entire cylinder with two arms, and just walks with it over to the Kourindou. Yeah, okay…

"Woa~h!" Ha-chan's jaw drops. "You're super strong…!"

Letty gives her a sedate smile. "I have to be."

With that, Letty carries the huge metal cylinder over to the Kourindou, Ha-chan and I following behind her. Freakin'... icy super person.

...The cylinder's a bit big to fit through the door-

Bam! Letty makes it work anyway. Freakin'... I'm tryin' ta compensate the dude, here, not stretch his funds even thinner!

Thoom. Letty set the giant cylinder down inside.

...I step in behind her, strutting casually. "Ho ho…"

"...I seem to be getting attacked by yuki-onna." Rinnosuke's lookin' up from his book, scanning us with vague concern.

Yo. I lift my wig, showin' off my poofy hair before I set it back. "Hi, son."

...Rinnosuke just looks stumped, blinking at me a few times.

"How are you, today, Rinnosuke?" Letty smiled at him.

...He shrugged. "Well, I was doing just fine until just a few seconds ago. You're not paying for that door, are you?"

"What do you mean?" Letty began walking away, briefly pushing a hand towards my direction. "This young gentleman here will be paying for me. Bye~."

Yeah, thanks. Well, I guess I did waste your, uh… dining time. Mmm…

Sighing, Rinnosuke looks down at his book. "At this point, I'm sure you owe me a few thousand yen, at least."

Yeah, probably. "That's why I brought you this thing!" I turn to the cylinder, and pat on it! "I'm really hoping this is worth something at all."

Slowly, Rinnosuke begins to step out from around the counter. "Hmm. Probably not."

Son, at least look it over…!

...After a moment of pressing his hand against it like he was freakin' consoling it, he came to a conclusion. "This is adamantite."

Oh. Oh!

"Where did you find this?" He raises a brow inquisitively.

"Out by the lake. There's like, fifty of 'em. They were blowing shit up, but Sakuya instantly killed all the living parts." I inform him. "They're burly."

"Indeed…" After a moment, he nods. "Very well. I think this works as payment… I'll have to bring it down to the kappa to get usable equivalents. Thanks for this."

Woo. "You're welcome, son. I need some rubber gloves and a towel."

"Who'd you kill?" Rinnosuke jeers, not looking at me as he does so.

Oof. The irony when your sarcasm is correct… well, I didn't do the deed exactly. "Mommy." I mean, I guess I got a kill assist, which kinda sucks. Oh, well.

"I see." With a snort, he begins moving for the back. "Very well. It's the least I could do for a payload of adamantite. I suppose this makes us even."

"Thanks, yo." Cool. Mostly 'cause I gotta get that freakin' head to the village, and I'd really like to not have blood on my hands.

...Within a few moments, he comes back to me with some freakin'... colorful towel, and-...

"Fancy shmancy…!" Dude, actor person gloves!

"Don't go too crazy now." He grins at me. "Don't open the towel fully, either."

...What?

Taking the towel, I let it drape open fully.

...It depicts an anime-esque Marisa in a bikini. I might hold onto this.

"I warned you." He begins moving behind his counter again.

"I will ejaculate on this later." Time to stash that in my bag…!

...When I look up at Rinnosuke, I see him giving me only the tiredest of tired stares.

Wait, you know what? That raises a very good question. "Why'd you even have this?" I give him a sardonic look… which feels awkward in this situation!

"It was in a box in the woods while I was walking." Rinnosuke looked down at his book. "It had shampoo, soap, and towels that appeared to be of incident resolvers. I've already managed to sell one of Reimu, somehow."

No doubt they'd sell fast… if you had customers. This is the equivalent of freakin' clickbait… except not really. Idea.

"You should hang the remaining towels outside the shop, yo." I grin.

"...No." Rinnosuke doesn't look up from his book. "The amount of things that could go wrong is probably more than you think."

...Reimu and Marisa would kill him, all female youkai would kill him, the towels would get stolen, and yeah. Okay, maybe that's not such a good idea.

"And?" Time to double down on my bad idea! "Put up danmaku sentry guns!"

...He doesn't bother to dignify my suggestion with a response. Honh… what's Ha-chan up to?

I look over at her, and she's holding up some freakin'... muffler thing.

Cla~ng. She dropped it on the floor, staring at it gingerly.

"You're cuddly." Friend. "C'mon, yo…" I gesture for cuddly friend to follow along with me.

"Ooh?" She moves to rejoin me. "Where are we going?"

"We're gonna go solid noob, yo." I nod at her as I move for the door. "Thanks for the things, Rinnosuke!" ...That name's a freakin' mouthful. Mostly just 'cause I'm talking in English… 'cause it also feels like it flows well at the same time!

"Mmm…" He pauses. "You said there are still more of these at the lake?"

I pause in the doorway. "Yeah, yo."

...He continues reading. "Take care."

He's thinkin' 'a theftin' more adamantite, probably. If he can move it, good on him!

Ha-chan and I move out the door, and begin to progress towards the mansion again…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Ho ho ho!

...I slowly strut along the side of the wall, stealthily approaching the front gate of the manor. Ha-chan is floating behind me, hugging the wall as she does so.

...As we near the gate, Meiling dryly turns to us. "What are you two doing?"

"Shhh~!" I put up a finger to my lips. "We're sneaking, dude…"

...She blinks. "Why?"

I stomp towards her, taking a gracious amount of steps to do so. "...It's the whappersnappers. They're after me."

...Meiling sighs. "Alright, let me let you in…"

Ho ho! "Thanks, yo. I would've had to survive ten waves of horde survival without you."

She gave me a glance, before moving to open the gate. "You know, you could've just told your fairy there to ask me to let you in. That's technically protocol."

"Aaa~h, protocol, shmotocol." I wave the notion off. "What'm I gonna do? I swing plant hangers."

"Blow the roof up?" Meiling grins at me.

Well-... "Alright. I'll give ya that." I forget if that was Eiki's fault or not. I mean, it was probably both… and I did bring her there. Technically my fault in the end anyway!

The gate creaks open, and Meiling goes back to her usual position. "Don't break too much stuff."

"I'll try, yo." I give her a wave as I- wait… "Wasn't this place frozen nearly solid, like, a day or so ago?"

Meiling nodded. "Mmm. Patchouli-sama and Sakuya apparently had a strategy to deal with it all. Something about time stopping and sun magic."

Oo~h. "Thanks, friend." With that, I progress towards the mansion.

"Thanks, gatekeeper person!" Ha-chan somehow doesn't know Meiling's name, despite working here.

Meiling snorted. "It's Meiling."

Movin' across the yard, we eventually make it to the big door, yo…

"Oh, man…" Looking up at it, I shake my head. "That's a- that's a big door, dude. I dunno if I can open it- I just dunno…"

The door creaks open, a bunny-eared… fairy, I think, stumbling out. She's got a red patch on her forehead.

"A-ah…" She rubbed it, her eyes teary. Moving forward, she passed by me without comment, moving for the gate…

Well, okay, then. Oh- yo! These freakin'... automatically closing doors! I had to leap into action to stop the door from shutting on me. It's like those glass doors at schools everywhere.

Now I am inside. I have… infiltrated the perimeter!

"...Why are we here?" Ha-chan wonders aloud.

"We gotta find that head for money." I inform her. "'Cause it'd help me not die as fast."

She nods, looking a little solemn. "...Okay." ...I know the head thing's bad, but it's not like we can just revive her. I think. I don't freakin' know!

...Where the frik would they keep them? Freakin'...

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: SAKUYA IZAYOI'S PERSPECTIVE ====

How did this happen.

Before me, Flandre stood over a couch. Some of it had leaves growing over it, and some of it had decomposed to a rotten point, incredibly ravaged by some kind of weather. Similar problems ailed the walls, as if she'd taken a crayon and scribbled on the walls… except with some kind of aging. Fabrics became plant cotton, basic oils, and animal flesh again, as well.

She held that new sword- one that seemed to distort time. "Hi, Sakuya! This new sword is really fun!"

...When Mistress told me her new sword was weird, she didn't tell me that it was both time elemental and could not only reverse aging, but accelerate it too. This just might be worse than her explosion sword.

The sword itself seemed to stretch out about six feet, the effective area an obviously ominous gray. In the very midst, a line stretched from the hilt outward. This line was only visible in that it tore the image of what was behind it, creating a very peculiar visual distortion.

Those fluffles would be scary if they weren't so ridiculous.

She swung it across the floor, and the line of carpet hardened and melted into a brownish-blackish goo, which immediately began to stink.

"...Ee~w." Flandre scowled at it, and swung her sword across it again.

This time, the line of floor became black as carbon, and-

Woosh. It was now a hole in the floor.

"...Whoops." Flandre grinned. "This thing's so~ cool…"

"Please don't swing it at too many things." I beg of her discreetly. "The destruction is immensely inconvenient."

...She pouted. "Wha~t? But that's half the fun of getting a new sword! I gotta swing it at everything!"

I may have halted my aging… but I'll be pressed to say this won't turn my hair from silver to grey. I'll have to double check to see if I have the most possible time resistance, just incase.

The shard in my pocket flashes, signalling to me that our 'guests' are awake. To think I just had Patchouli create it, too…

"What's that?" Flandre looks down at my pocket.

"...I'll be right back." I tell her. Where did that youkai that was accompanying her go, anyway? I suppose he'll be my next priority.

Time stops, and the world greys.

I had the two intruders stashed in a guest room, with the door locked. It's not that we don't have proper interrogation rooms, but I didn't bother with them. Common comfort is more likely to make them be complacent than outrageous devices that we never get to use in the first place.

A short walk leaves me inside the room. Time resumes, and the world's color fades in.

The man in armor is digging through the drawers. "All youkai leave keys within laughably easy reach! You see, it is like a game to them!"

"What stupid novel didja read that from?" The blonde, stout mage scowled at his friend. "Have y' ever even been locked up before?"

His friend shook his head. "Well, admittedly, no, but- look!" He points at me. "It is the maid!"

"Aw, shit…" The mage looks over at me, and I ready myself, on the off chance he panics and tries to cast magic on me. "Well, now what're we gonna-" Despite me hiding his staff, he reaches his arm out towards me. "Fire!"

I stop time, move aside a few steps, and let it resume.

...There was no fireball, even.

"Ha!" He grins at me. "Made ya flench!"

...Really.

The armored one chuckled. "Spot on humor, Fred. We'll be out of this yet, once she gives me my sword."

...That's… not how this works.

Fred seems to deflate at that statement, as well. "Wh- you, fucking…"

The large one turns to me. "Alright, maid. Hand me my sword, so that we may do proper combat."

"I sold it." I tell him. It's actually in the armory, now, but this might hit closer to home.

"You what!?" He clenches his fists. "How dare you!"

"Y'know, we should be grateful they didn't sell us." Fred quips dryly.

...I fold my arms. "Why were you accompanied by a fairy from my manor?" It would do me good to know these things.

The armored one smirked. "Why, we captured her, of course. Found her on a scouting mission outside of the human village, and commandeered her in seconds."

...Fred just gave him a worn glare.

Oh, right. Hana runs around outside the manor. These barbarians probably never set foot on the property. Now I just feel silly.

"Mike, I swear to God, mate, I'm'onna fucking kill you." Fred has had enough.

Mike snorts. "Take it out on the traitor. It is her fault, after all."

...I suppose I'll knock them out and dump them outside the gate, then. If I tried to extort them, I might make Reimu upset. I'll give the mage his cheap staff back, but the knight will only get a steel sword. That holy sword would fetch a good price on resale, I'm sure.

Quickly, I brandish my knives between my fingers. "I'm very sorry, but I will have to pacify the both of you again."

Fred's eyes widened. "Oh, come on! What'd I do!?"

Mike grinned, standing resolute. "Bring it, youkai sympathizer! My fists are stronger than any blade!"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: BRAD'S PERSPECTIVE ====

I look under the bed, finding only fluffles. "honh honh honh"

This is like, the tenth bedroom we've searched. At least this one's not fulla freakin' bats, like the last one was, for some unholy reason.

Pulling one of the fluffles out, I nuzzle it, because it's soft. "hi friend"

I make a request of it. "I want you to go out into the hall, sit down, and just yell."

After I set it down, it gets up and goes to do that. Awwh!

"Waaaa~l!" Peace disturbed.

Ha-chan held up some panties she pulled from the nearby dresser. "...I don't think these are them."

I look over at her. "Nah, dude. You found 'em!" Wow, Fred! You look awfully like a pair of panties today!

Ha-chan beams. "Wow! I found them!" ...Then, she furrows her brows. "Don't tell lies, Brad-kun."

Ho ho ho! "I'll try not to, yo. I didn't mean to." So freakin' fluffy.

"Waaaa~l!"

As we progress back into the hall, where the fluffle was yelling, some fairies had gathered around it, perturbed by the cries.

"This stupid thing…" Ganpeki loomed over it. "I'm gonna crush it."

This pink-haired fairy was nuzzling a fluffle of her own. "No, do~n't…"

Some other generic fairies glared at the fluffle in question, but didn't say anything.

"Waaaa~l!"

Ganpeki rose her leg to stomp down on it-

Bam! She cracked the floor with her stomp, but the fluffle scurried out of the way, and onto her leg.

"He-hey…!" She began kicking her leg in the air, hopping back on one foot. "Get off! You're a bug!"

Hopping to the side, she kicks her leg into the wall-

Thud. Not as much force as I expected! I guess she's still a fairy, in the end. She eventually settled for leaning against the wall and trying to pluck the fluffle off manually.

"Waa~l…" It arched its head back, and began snapping its shell nose at the air as Ganpeki's hand neared.

She grabbed it anyway, and tossed it to the side. "Eat it! Stupid flea!"

"friend no!" It flopped to the floor, and scuttled away.

...She clapped her hands together. "Hah. Fucking bug people. If only they were a little bigger, so I could crush them like the insects they are..."

I clap my hands. "Hello, friend."

"You wanna be next…!?" Jerking her head towards me, she brings a fist back, and starts progressing towards me!

"Friend, no!" I don't want to beat the shit outta you! "I was gonna ask ya if ya wanna find some victims in here, yo. Sakuya captured 'em, and they owe me money." ...Technically!

Ganpeki jerked her head back, grinning. "...They owe ya money? What're ya, some stupid mafia guy?"

I nod. "It's mafioso to you, son."

...She shrugs. "Sounds cool. Guess I won't beat the shit out of you, for now." Hehe~y! "I get a cut of the dough, though. S'only fair."

...What would a fairy even do with ten thousand or so yen? I'll just hope she dies somehow before the end of the ordeal so that I can give her my own bonus. "No problem, friend."

"Ya~y!" Ha-chan cheers! "We're friends now, Gan-chan!"

Ganpeki cringes. "...Hana, if you call me that again, I'm gonna turn ya into a fuckin' lightbulb."

Ha-chan pouts. "...What do I call you, then?"

"Ganpeki. Fuck that stupid name shit." She folds her arms. "It's- when were we friends? No." She glares at my fairy friend.

"...Awh." Ha-chan is crestfallen.

Ganpeki is one for suffixes, apparently. "Alright! Follow us, Gan-chan!" I'm calling her that just to fuck with her, though…!

...She glares at me. "You can't call me that, either."

"Well, I am, friend." I smile at her.

...She cracks her knuckles. "Maybe this won't work out after all, then…"

Freakin' doesn't play around, yo. "Alright, alright. Well, we're gonna be wandering around aimlessly while we look for them."

Ganpeki snorts. "You know there's an actual torture room, right?"

Ooo! "Take us there, yo!"

Ha-chan double takes. "We did?"

"Yeah. Chief told us 'bout it, 'cause we're elites." Ganpeki began stomping off. "...We're still gonna wander around aimlessly, though. These hallways suck."

Fun.

We begin following her through the sparsely populated halls…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We arrive at a door!

"Wo~w…" Ha-chan nods appreciatively. "It's a door."

"I didn't even open it yet, sparky." Ganpeki gave her a dry glance. "Don't touch anything inside. Some of it clamps down, and it hurts like a son of a bitch."

She fiddles with the knob…

"Locked." She fails to open it.

Leaning back a bit, she brings up her elbow, and-

Bam!

The door vibrates open, rocking on its hinges. The lock pops loudly, probably freakin' blown up.

"We're in." Ganpeki pushes the door aside, and begins yelling. "Wake the fuck up! Wake up!"

...Ha-chan and me follow her in as she bowls to the midst of the room. The room itself is rather quaint, seeming more like a guest room emptied of furniture and lined with black devices. These devices looked like exercise equipment on steroids, essentially. Like, if you took freakin' treadmills and put spikes on them. Actually…

I walk up to that treadmill. "What the frik… is this?"

Jerking her head towards me, Ganpeki grins. "Oh, that's the eviscerator. It gets gradually harder to survive on as time goes on."

"Does it just get faster?" That'd probably be a nightmare, considering the spikes… wait, how does it even rotate!?

"Nah, it catches on fire too." Looking away, she huffs. "...Also, there's nobody in here. What the fuck?"

Yeah- good question.

"Maybe they went out for snack time." Ha-chan looks thoughtful…

...Ganpeki turns to her, looking at a loss for words. "Fucking…"

"Does she always bring guys here?" Either that, or Sakuya took them straight to the deepest bowels of Hell, or something.

...I get a shrug in response. "Fuck if I know. Last time she kidnapped someone and I saw was like, twenty years ago."

...I'm reminded that some of these fairies are, like, thrice to quadruple times as old as me. Fairy years are whack, yo.

I've spotted an edgy weightlifting bench. I can only assume blades shoot out of the shaft of the barbell and fucking impale you. Why else would it have ridges?

"Guess I'll follow you pussies around." Ganpeki decided. "Got nothin' better to do, honestly. Aside from kick your asses."

Ha-chan folds her arms. "You're really mean, Ganpeki."

"Yeah, I try to be." Ganpeki smirks at her. "What, that bother you?"

"Yes." Ha-chan's honest!

"...Well, that sucks." You know, Ganpeki really reminds me of random players on online games.

"What are you three doing here?"

Oh, shit! It's the chieftain of the maids!

I turn to Sakuya, clad in my yuki-onna getup.

Ha-chan waved. "Hi, Chief!"

Ganpeki gave her a wave. "Hey. Just looking for the daisies you hauled in."

...Sakuya narrowed her eyes. "Who told you?"

She gestured to me.

"...You must be-..." Sakuya trailed off when she got a better look at my face. "...Genuinely?"

"Hehe~y!" I lift my wig and show her my hair! "It's your boy B. Rad in the house, yo!"

"You were there when I apprehended those men." Sakuya vainly realized. "Did they ever go in the mansion?"

I shake my head. "Nope. They wanted to fight Meiling, but I convinced them we didn't have time." I revealed.

"You should have let them." Sakuya leisurely stepped into the room. "You would have saved me a lot of time."

Chuckling, Ganpeki contributed. "I would have paid to see that. I would've joined in!"

"I needed a quest item from them." I reveal. "If we got beat the fuck up, that probably would've been significantly harder. I didn't think we'd run inta you."

...Taking her time, Sakuya surveyed the room's many devices. "So it seems. What was this important item?"

Oh, I've walked myself right into this one. Whelp, might as well go all in…! "The severed head of a youkai girl."

"Ah." Sakuya didn't look away from the torture devices as she did her slow walk around of the room. "Why would that be, exactly?"

"...Well, it's worth a bounty at the village." I must turn this around to make myself not look like a youkai hunter person! "I followed some friks along, and by some black voodoo magic they managed to actually kill it."

Looking at me, Sakuya has a brow raised. "...For some reason I doubt those two managed to accomplish anything." She looked away, at the devices again. "Then again, I suppose that pseudo-spell card of the knight's would be able to surprise lesser youkai."

I nod. "Yeah, it was kinda fucked up, but I figured I might as well take it back in and collect the money. Didn't think it'd turn out how it did!" Not as advertised in the commercials, three out of ten, would not recommend to a friend.

"Mmm." Sakuya nodded. "I'll just give it to you, then. We would have just thrown it out anyway."

Woo. I didn't think it'd be as easy as asking for it, but that works!

In the blink of an eye, she's before me with a small box. "There's a towel to soak up the blood inside. I would not recommend opening it before you wish to present it."

Holy shit! It's even in a box and everything! Those gloves are completely useless now! "Wow. Thanks, friend."

...Sakuya subtly grins. "You seem as if you expected something else."

"Yeah. I expected a freakin' bloody head, not a nice 'lil box. Dude…!" ...Should I shove this into my bag, or carry it? I don't imagine things would go well if it was tilted upside down.

...Turning to Ha-chan, I give her the box. "Here, friend."

"Sure!" She takes it happily. Does she… not associate it with the youkai? That, or she's just hiding her displeasure. You're a mystery, Ha-chan.

"Alri~ght…" Ganpeki folds her arms behind her head. "So, you turn that in at the village?"

"Yeah." I move for the door. "The village has a diverse market for youkai heads, you see."

...When I turn to Ganpeki, I see a mixed expression on her face.

"Don't put ideas into the fairy's heads." Sakuya dryly appears before me, advancing out the door ahead of me. I get it, yo, you teleport…!

...This might be a good time for a snack, though. Before I collapse of hunger for going twenty chapters without eating anything again.

"Hey!" I call out to Sakuya before she gets any smart ideas and zippity zooms away. "Can you make me some waffles?" I feel like I'm asking my mom…

Sakuya just disappears. Pfft… I suppose I shoulda anticipated that.

Ganpeki pushes me out of the way. "Yeah, I could go for some waffles…" She does it really freakin' casually though, apparently.

So we begin aimlessly wandering the halls in an attempt to find the dining room!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Ganpeki slams the door open. "Hey, bitches!"

...There's a single fairy at the dining room table, her face down in a bowl. Sakuya's on the other side of the table, setting some plates and vases down.

"...Ah. Damn." A few decibels quieter, Ganpeki marches towards the kitchen. She grins, looking across the table at the navy-haired fairy. "Hey, Hotaru."

Hotaru doesn't reply, but she does lift her face from the bowl for a moment, before returning to slumber within it.

Ha-chan moves to the corner of the room, and sets the box down. "There…!"

...Quickly, she hovers through the air back to me, waving her hands like she was holding something icky as she does so. So she does have a problem with the box… and probably for good reason.

I follow Ganpeki across the dining room, and Ha-chan follows behind me.

We reach the door, and Ganpeki viciously assaults it.

Bam! "Hey, bitches!" ...You gonna say that every time you do that?

Inside, I see that one fairy with a rolling pin who tried to end my life with brute force one time. She'd be cuddly if she wasn't homicidal…

Across the room… yo! "Hehe~y!" It's Matt!

...He looks up from the open, fucking insane stove- more on that in a moment- holding a balled up fairy with pale green hair in his arms. "Greetings!" He waves at me. "I am composing a cake!"

...What, like a song? Ho ho! It's a symphony cake!

The stove… I don't even know what the fuck he did to the stove. It was like…

From here, I felt wind coming from the direction of it. Rocks jutted out of the stove's surface, flames licking up the sides of them- no, sorry, electrical flames. Various utensils hovered in the air near the stove, along with some rocks…

The stove was also so hot it was glowing. Inside, there was just… bright lights and freakin' colors. Matt seems to have created a portal to the shadow realm.

Running forward, Ganpeki slammed her arms down on the island in the midst of the kitchen. "What the fuck is that!?"

...The chef fairy reeled her rolling pin back, and tore into Ganpeki's arm. Whack!

Ganpeki flinched slightly, turning to the stout fairy. She grabbed the blonde chef by the collar, and held her up. "We gonna have a fucking problem…?"

"Ah! Ah!" The fairy continued whacking Ganpeki with the rolling pin, prompting the burly fairy to shove her, sending the former sailing across the room.

Thud! She landed on the counter, on her bum. Quite fluidly, too!

Taking a moment to practice a tossing motion, Matt eventually tossed the unconscious, pale-haired fairy into the oven. Using hands that were covered in like five layers of mittens, he promptly closed the door.

"Aaa-h…!" The fairy inside woke up immediately! "A-aaaa~h!"

Matt's mittens sizzled as he shut the oven, and eventually caught fire. Once he clicked the door shut, he tossed them off and onto the tiled floor.

...So! "Why are you incinerating the fairies?" I question him.

...He looks up at me, his face masked. "Why not?"

Good reason.

Fwoom! The oven shakes, and light up with a bright glow, and then-

Di-di-di~ng! The healing chime of a cure spell rings through the air and I see a green halo of brambles, ivy, and those funny little bell things generate over the oven momentarily.

The entire oven glows a soft, increasingly saturated green, before the color fades, and the halo dissipates.

Well, then-

Cla~ng. The oven makes a metal noise.

Matt backs away from it, moving towards the back door to the kitchen…

Clang- clang!

It's undergoing thermal cooling, du~de!

Cla- clo~ng

The oven started scooting forward…

...Ganpeki blinked. "What the fuck."

Curiously, I neared the island in the middle of the kitchen myself, and tried to look closer at the now mobile oven…

Clink! Clink!

Two triangular, eye-like things snapped open on top of the stove, partially obscured by the giant flaming rock formation jutting out of the top.

"It's fucking alive…" Ganpeki realizes. "Holy fuck."

...I look over at Matt, who is now halfway through the back door, standing there and watching. Freakin'...!

Once the oven stops, he carefully creeps back into the room, and proceeds towards it. He makes a quick detour to grab a bunch of not-oven-mitt cloth things that you use to handle hot pots and stuff, and moves around the side of the stove…

Kneeling before it, he pries it open with both hands.

He abruptly shuts it.

"...I think it needs to stay in for a while longer." Matt wisely decides, numerous flaming, singed cloth things falling out of his hands as he clicks the door shut.

As he gets up, and backs away-

Clang! Fwi~sh! As the oven door slammed open, some kind of dark miasma flowered out, and began turning on the stove itself!

The door flailed wildly as the stove was lifted into the air by the smog. Within moments, the inner beast had overcome the stove entirely, and continued to grow…

"Oh, no!" Ha-chan ran out the front door! I follow behind her…

"Where're you two going!?" Ganpeki bounded after us, the floor shaking with each powerful step she exerted.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Now in the dining room, we had to formulate a plan!

Sakuya looked over at us, brow raised. "...What's the big rush?"

I throw my arms outward! "It's the big snack attack, dude! It's gonna eat us for breakfast, lunch,and dinner!"

...Sakuya furrowed her brows. "What?"

Bam! The wall from the kitchen was smashed apart! The floating miasma now had a multitude of eyes, and many slick tendrils stretching out from itself.

"What!?" Sakuya repeatedly looked back and forth between us and the monster. "What did you do!?"

"I dunno dude!" I flailed my arms! "The snacks strike back!"

"Quit freaking out!" Ganpeki rose her fists! "I'm gonna wreck it!"

From here, I could see the floating ball of whatever-that-was begin to take on the elements I saw earlier, surrounding itself with flaming electric rocks. They generated from freakin' nothing at all, too.

Ganpeki floated into the air. Okay, yeah, you just go punch it. That'll stop it, for sure.

The hovering mass of elemental bullshit and tentacles turned its numerous eyes at the fairy as she floated towards it.

"Hra~h!" Ganpeki does an aerial, superman-esque punch.

Her arm becomes lodged in the side of it. "O-oh, woah…! Shit!" She stuffs her other arm in, and gets that stuck too. "What!? Oh, fuck!" Slowly, it starts to pull her in…

Sakuya draws her silver knives. "I have to say, this cooking genuinely impresses me."

"I know, right?" I grin. "I didn't even make it!"

...She turns to me, surprised. "Are you implying a fairy did this?"

I shake my head. "It was a masked individual, yo."

...With a sigh, Sakuya takes a battle stance. "I see. I knew leaving him alone was a mistake."

Ganpeki began flailing her torso wildly. "I'll kick your ass! Limbs or no limbs!" Her struggling only caused her to sink further into the mass, before she was promptly enveloped completely.

It is time for us to fight this thing! By which, I mean I~ tap dance in a corner, and Sakuya does all the work.

The floating thing's tentacles all curl up, as if they were about to lash out like restrained branches.

Sakuya takes to the air!

I move over to Ha-chan, and take her arm. "Let's get small, friend…"

With my fairy friend in arm, I prompt her to crouch under the long dining room table with me, so we'd have some cover from the onslaught that was likely to take place.

...From under the table, I can see the miasma ball wriggle and writhe in place, until-

Woosh! It lashed out with all tentacles, spinning in the air. Flaming electric shards of rock spiralled outward, along with small, windy purple particles of some kind.

Zazaza~p! That navy-haired fairy lit alive with electricity from a rock that gently floated into her. "Ebabadabadaba!"

...The table's burning! Aaa~h, aaaa~h!

"Water Sign!" Sakuya announces a spell card! "Lasting Drizzle!"

Twirling through the air, Sakuya randomly jumps to other places in the room, sending out two pretty random waves of freakin'... giant blue kunai.

When they collided with a surface, they'd splash and create larger waves of blue water elemental danmaku. Like this, torrents of danmaku began to flush into the room from all directions, counteracting the inferno that was slowly generating.

Remilia really, really needed to make this mansion out of rocks. Like, seriously, the amount of fire enemies…! Legit, if the human village came over and shot a barrage of flaming arrows, they'd probably fail to kill anyone, but they'd single-handedly one-shot the mansion.

"I'm all charged up…!" Hotaru stood up, hugging the electric, flaming rock. Oh, shit, she's that fairy isn't she?

Pi~chun! Well, she didn't last long.

The table vibrated loudly, the flames going out as danmaku water poured all over it from the many impacts.

Now the room was slowly flooding with danmaku water. Not enough to be a threat to anything, but uh… enough to give the floor a layer!

The danmaku water flows under the table, and comes into contact with my legs.

Ho~ly shit! It's like I'm kneeling on a bed of thumbtacks!

Get up!

Bam. I hit my head on the bottom of the table as I try to fumble out…

"Ow- owie- ow~!" Ha-chan suffers similarly, flailing her limbs as she tries to get out from under the table.

Once out- that's a fuckton of bullets! Ouch- woah, woa~h- I'm under fire! Alright, that's it, I can't take this! Pullin' out Youkai Inconveniencer, I settle on spamming holy spells until the pain goes away or I get knocked the hell out.

Ha-chan was splayed out on some chairs, finding a happy middle ground between getting fucked up atop the table and getting fucked up under the table.

Hastily and desperately, I fill the hanger with mana as my torso and face eat scattered water bullets, and-

Fwa~sh!

"Nh…" Sakuya is only briefly blinded, I think. She can probably just stop time and let it wear off, though.

The creature feature in the air doesn't react to it. Good.

It didn't even do anything about the bullets! Faahaha~ck! My body is filled with pain! It's like when you wake up, and your neck hurts to turn in one direction, but it's everywhere and doesn't stop!

I flop over onto Ha-chan and try to wiggle between her and the chair's backs, in an attempt to not get run over as fast.

"Wo-woah…!" Ha-chan was surprised!

The creature above us quickly spun in the air, accelerating towards Sakuya. It was moving too slow to actually hit her anytime soon, but-

Zazazap! Electricity began arcing from its form, and into the water danmaku. Some of it even arced from the bullets into the floor, which- Jesus…! The floor is emitting light!

Alright, Ha-chan! You better get healed by this shit, or we're screwed beyond belief!

Nestled behind her, I try to roll her over me to try and shield myself from the electric shots. A few hover closer to us, and the electricity arcs off of the danmaku, and onto Ha-chan.

"Woa-woah…" She jitters lightly, and my hands feel some kinda vibration, too, but I am pleasantly not electromacuted. Alright…

...Okay. Sakuya's still spamming water in a never-ending literal firefight, and I'm trapped here, in immense pain, as my fairy friend is constantly brought to under half health and back to full again.

...Anyone care to tell me where I freakin' went wrong? I was just tryin'a get a fucking snack! And now the snack's out to get me!

Eventually, the bullets all dissipate once Sakuya's card times out. Many stones are lodged in the walls, no longer flaming.

The freakin' nightmarish horror beast is still floating in the air, generating more rotating, flaming, electric rocks around itself.

It slammed into the floor-

Bam! A small, purple shockwave spread out across the entire room, and-

...The chairs are floating away, including the ones I'm sitting on. O~h, boy… don't ya just hate it when your dining set just up and takes off on ya? I freakin' know I do!

I shift to try and stay on the chairs, only for them to drift away from me, leaving me drifting slowly upward into the air. Oh. So we're just in no gravity mode right now.

…Aside from the flaming electric rocks of doom, this isn't so bad.

"Maid Secret Skill…" Sakuya rotated in the air, as if she was standing on a wall opposite the floating disaster. "Killing Doll!"

Oh, what I'd give for like, poppable invincibility. Or a shield! Something! We're here, too, Sakuya~!

Streams of blue-hilted, silver knives shot from her in lines. Behind them, she shot lines of red-hilted knives straight at the creature, and then-

Time stopped, apparently. Everything froze except for my ability to see… which is weird!

Rapidly, I saw randomly tossed, green-hilted knives fill in the gaps between all the non-imposing, linear streams. Sweet Jesus, no…!

Time resumed! Back under the table- a~nd I can't propel myself because gravity is dead. "Ha-chan, under the table! Fly, friend, fly!"

She begins flapping her wings-

Ti-ti-ti-ti-tick! A-ah, shit… I-I- "Achoo!" I sneeze into Ha-chan's back, which ends up making us jerk around in the air awkwardly, before her drifting brings us under the floating table.

The random barrages of knives loudly click and clack against the top of the dining table, and push it back down into us.

Alright, we've got cover. Taking out Tundra Bloomer, I ready myself to try and molestigate the floating asshole.

I have learned time and time again… that the best way to pacify foes was to conk them out! Channeling mana into the hanger, I focus on the frik…

Fwooo~...

A magical circle generates… somewhere in it, I think. I hope. Okay, I don't think that even did anything.

The creature's jerking around in the air, attempting to dodge the danmaku knives. It's not doing a terribly good job at it, but uh… does this thing even respond to pain? It is trying to avoid 'em, though.

All of a sudden, Sakuya appeared before it, and threw her arms downward, a barrage of real knives rocketing into the center of it.

The orb-like core was bashed into the wall, multiple rocks that were orbiting around it thrown into the wall as well. The wall promptly began to burn…!

Sakuya responded to that with a few waves of her water knives, the resulting splashes extinguishing the flames.

Woo-woo~sh! The creature spun vertically this time, a powerful gust expanding outward-

Woo~sh!

"Aah!" Ha-chan was slammed into me!

And I-

Thud. Hello, carpeted floor, my old friend. You suck.

"Gah…" Sakuya rebounded off the wall ahead of us, before rotating in the air and kicking off of it with her legs, tossing more streams of silver daggers.

...Eventually, Ha-chan and I drifted into the air again. This time, Ha-chan was behind me, using me as a shield. Somethin's not right, here…!

Ducking under the stream of knives after eating half of them, the orb of friktasticness slammed into the floor, again.

...The roar of rocks loudly took hold in the dining room, when-

Kro~fwoom! Woo-woo-woosh!

A series of jagged pillars of rock began to erupt from the floor… which really doesn't make sense, 'cause it gave us anti-gravity, but okay! They don't reach terribly high, but if we were still near the ground we woulda gotten like, mulched.

Sakuya continually twirled and spun through the air, streams of knives accelerating towards the opponent at hand.

...Well, Tundra Bloomer can't do shit, I don't think. Actually…!

Reaching into my sack, I take out Million Bucks! Yeheha~h!

When I do, my legs suddenly flare up with static electricity. Hoohoo~! I bet this thing's really effective, now that I'm like, half unconscious. Danmaku… is not part of a complete breakfast, kids. Like, oof.

...Ha-chan promptly lets her legs contact mine, the static traveling onto her. "Ooo~..."

...I didn't even realize that, but if this electricity is strong enough to do something, it might be able to slowly regenerate Ha-chan! Aw, dude…!

Time to confirm! "Hey, Ha-chan. Is my electricity healin' ya?"

"Nope!" Oh. "It just feels funny!" Well, that's good. There's gotta be some freakin' way to heal her with this thing's elemental state…

Sakuya's suddenly next to us, and she looks over at me. "Silver Sign, Perfect Maid."

You asshole! Aaaa~h!

Reacting quickly, I twirl in the air and hustle Ha-chan. "Switch, switch, switch!"

We do a one-eighty, Ha-chan's back now facing Sakuya.

The maid herself spins slowly in the air, an intricate spread shot of danmaku styled after her stock, blue-hilted knives flowering outward. Like… literally. It looks like she's drawing a flower in the air with 'em.

Fortunately, Ha-chan senses the immense pain incoming, and continues to accelerate us backwards-

Thud. Into the wall, but that's okay.

The knives still advance towards us, and threaten to freakin' pelt Ha-chan. Time to find out if this works…!

"Friend, I am gonna whack you in the stomach repeatedly." I make my intent known! "Tell me if it heals or hurts you!"

"Wh-whah?" She is confused, and probably understandably so. Reeling my arm back, I swing- woah!

I'm forced to let go of her and do a full three-sixty- oo~h… nevermind, I'm doing like, a one-thosuand-something right now… but my hanger seems to phase through her with each strike.

"Aaa~h!" She wails, but her form crackles with electricity from each impact. I see knives from the corners of my eyes whirl past me, and into the side walls… so I think this is working.

Sakuya drifts towards the tentacle monster, weaving through the incoming lashes and aggressive rocks, as she spins more. Another flower of stock danmaku knives blooms outward, drilling into the side of the abomination.

It writhes unhealthily. I think it's working…!

I finally slow down… and we're not in direct fire, at the moment either. Thank frik.

Ha-chan lets out a haunted sigh. "...Th-that hurt…"

Sakuya's spinning around the creature is halted when a tentacle latches onto her leg, electricity slowly traveling up it. In the next instant, the tentacle seems to have been bisected, and now Sakuya is drifting just out of range of the beast.

The dead tentacle's still wrapped around her leg, though!

Sakuya drifts directly overhead of the creature, letting another flower-shaped pattern of knives devastate the abomination.

The core wriggled unevenly, looking unstable as the miasma slowly expanded outward, making it look more like a mesh of inky particles.

Ha-chan lazily drifted into me, her eyes fluttering. "I-I'm tired…"

"Me too…" Like, ow. Once this threat is over, I'm just gonna sit in the corner and sleep.

...Every time Sakuya seems to use that flower pattern, she has a hexagram generate around herself for a brief moment. Ho ho.

Eventually, she begins unleashing them so fast that I can only track each flower's progress by how long it's been since the last unholy magical circle flashed around Sakuya. The room quickly fills with knives, and- freakin'...

I'm trying to rotate Ha-chan so that I can eat some bullets for- wo-woa~h!

Activating my double jump with Million Bucks equipped makes me gli~de! And I can't control shit!

Quickly, I zoom across the bottom of the room, along the wall! "Aaaa~h!" It is now time for yelling!

Upside: Ha-chan is now under me, sorta. Downside: I am now eating one hundred percent more bullets than I would normally eat. Graa~h!

As we drift towards the wall, I make a sharp left turn. We pass under the tentacled abomination, through the nearby flower of knives, and I make another sharp left to bring us away from this mess. I'm makin' these turns by just tugging really hard… which keeps flipping us around.

Idea. To slow us down, I just- Bam!- ...repeatedly slam us into the side of the wall until we slow. Then-

Thud. We stop against the corner nearest the one we started, doing a near entire tour of the room. Ha-chan's tightly clinging to me, and I got no freakin' clue what to do from here.

Then-

The mass in the center of the room begins to expand rapidly, Sakuya having filled it with enough holy damage to disrupt whatever the hell was going on inside of it. The dark particles rapidly expanded outward, and-

FwooOOAA-

Holy shit!

The dark particles are gone, apparently. Ha-chan and I… are stuck on the ceiling. The glass windows at the far side of the dining room are shattered in multiple places, chairs having fallen out and into infinity. The gravity of this room has been ruined.

Wow.

"Is-..." Ha-chan looks around, only one eye half open. "Is it over…?"

I nod. "Apparently…"

In an instant, Sakuya hovers before me with her arms folded, positioned right side up. "...I'm impressed you both survived this long."

Oh, thanks. "...You totally used that last card next to us on purpose."

"Mmm." She confirmed. "I was hoping to knock you out and pop your fairy, but it seems she somehow held out. Does she have more durability than normal?"

...Daa~h. "I pumped her fulla electricity if that's what yer asking…"

"Oh." Sakuya tilted her head. "...You were healing her, then. I suppose that works just as well."

Yea~h…

By now, it seemed that Ha-chan was conked out. I~... might be, soon, too…

"Oh. The danmaku seemed to get to you after all." Sakuya turned, and began descending. "I'll arrange for Patchouli-sama to correct this room's elemental balance."

Ah… sounds like fun…

Incredibly uncomfortable and with a lingering, piercing pain seemingly radiating from myself, everything begins to fade…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

O~w. I don't even wanna stay in bed. People who know healing spells do not know true pain.

...I'm not even in bed. I'm lying on the stupid carpet. Ha-chan seems to be positioned next to me, slightly curled up.

...As I sit up, I see~...

The oven from before scoots towards me, seemingly coming from the dining room's main entrance.

It's door slams open and closed repeatedly. "Bam, bam babam, bam bam bam!" ...Those weren't words, by the way, those were noises. I think… it's trying to communicate with me.

Jesus fuck, I got sent to hell.

"Bababam! Clank! Bam!" It… says.

"Alright." I begin looking around. My head box is next to me, apparently. "God almighty, strike me down now. Not in this life, yo…!"

Sakuya's now next to me, holding a hand of knives to my face. "You called?"

"Wh- shit…!" I scramble backwards, surprised. "Freakin'...!"

The oven… spoke. "Bam- clang! Bam- clang! Bam- clang!" What the fuck.

...Sakuya looked back and forth between the oven and myself. "Oh, I see you've not become acquainted."

I nod. "Yeah, uh, that's an oven."

Sakuya shook her head. "That is a tsukumogami."

...I furrow my brows. A wat?

"...Well, not really." She admits. "Typically, tsukumogami are born after a hundred years, and more faith-based, if I remember correctly. This oven was moreso charged with magic to the point it naturally became a demi-youkai. I'm not sure if that counts or not."

...Half youkai, half oven. What.

"Freakin'..." I just blink at the thing. "Oven person, huh."

"Bababam!" It vibrates. "Clang, bam, clang!"

Sakuya turned to it, then back to me. "It says it's happy to meet you."

It said what!? "...How."

"It speaks in morse code. I don't expect you to know what that is." She elaborates.

...Morse code. Where the fuck did an oven learn morse!?

"Clang, clang!" It shifted towards me, slowly. "Cla~ng!"

...I point my thumb at it. "Did it just say somethin' 'bout my mom?"

Sakuya snorts. "It asked you what your name was."

Oh, good. As ovens tend to do. "...I'm Brad." I hold out my hand. "Nice to meet you, son."

The oven's door tilts outward, so that I may, uh… shake it. I grab onto it, and- ho~h, yo…!

The door shakes up and down, my arm yanked along for a wild ride.

After a moment, I let go, backing away from it. "That's a, uh… quite a door you have there."

"Bam, bam!" Oven speak…!

"It thanked you." Sakuya nodded, looking only very subtly smug about the ordeal.

...How do you know morse? Freakin', don't even wanna know, yo…

"Mauuu~..." Ha-chan is awake!

Bending down, I almost pick up the box before I reconsider, because it probably reeks of- oh, yeah, oof. Probably smells of a little more than just blood, now…! Ech.

Ha-chan does some little stretches as she gets up from the floor. "A-aa~hn…"

"Ba-babam!" The oven performed communication.

Sakuya turned to it. "Her name is Hana. She's a maid, here."

"Clang!" Its door dropped open.

Sakuya waited a moment to translate. "...It says she's cute."

The attention of Ha-chan is grasped! "What says I'm cute?"

Sakuya points at the oven. "...That."

Ha-chan gets close to me, and speak-whispers. "I think Saku-chan was hit on the head a little…"

"Bam clang! Bam clang! Bam clang!" The oven door swung fully open and closed repeatedly.

"Hwah!?" Ha-chan slightly flinched back! "...It's still alive!"

Whaddaya mean 'still'!?

...Also, wow, this dining room is blown up. The walls look like scrunched tin foil, adorned with water damage and char marks.

"You said this," Sakuya gestures to the stove and the room, "was not caused by you. Who might it have been, then?"

"A guy in a funny mask." I decide. Not lettin' Matt step on my repumatation here! "His name was Oswald." The giant friendly octopus.

"...I see." Slouching slightly, she sighs. "I will return."

She was gone in a blink.

A~nd she's back! "I could not locate him." Sakuya was frowning, her mood probably a one-eighty of what it was before. "I will inform the Mistress of his transgressions." ...Geez, she was really frowning.

I tilt my head. "You look pissed."

"You'd be right." Stiffly, she proceeds towards the exit. "I would recommend you leave the mansion immediately. Mistress will be in a most foul mood from my latest discoveries."

Oh, hey! An excuse to take off with the head! Don't mind if I do, yo…

...But first, "Do ya got any health potions? 'Cause I'm like, dead."

"I-I'm all so~re…" Ha-chan whined, holding her arms out to examine them. "I hate it…"

Sakuya returned, and suddenly health potions were in both of our arms.

"Take them and go."

With that, Sakuya was gone. Yeesh. Guess she really had to go, yo...

"Bam, bam, bam!" Uh oh. I don't know what easy bake over there's sayin' now!

...I shrug at it. "I don't understand your words, friend. I dunno morse."

"Clank! Clank! Cla~ng!" Friend, please, stop slowly scooting towards me…!

Ha-chan tilted her head back, downing her potion. "Mmgh…"

...This oven's freakin' cuddly, yo. There's something adorable about slowly scooting.

With a sour face, Ha-chan moves over to me, and plucks my potion from my hands.

"Hey, yo." I need that, friend.

Pulling the cap off, Ha-chan inserts it into my mouth for me. Oh, well then…

...This stuff still tastes like cough medicine. E~ugh…

"Let's go, Brad." Ha-chan… actually beckons me to move forward!? "Oven-chan will be here when we get back. I don't wanna be here when Saku-chan starts killing everyone."

...I'm surprised you've not gotten executed for dropping her 'chief' title by now. Maybe she's just waitin' fer ya to say it to her face… which you will eventually.

I move to follow Ha-chan out, giving the oven a wave as I do so. Just, yeah. Wave at the oven.

...Oh, shit, that box! I need that box, yo! Slippin' out the actor's gloves, I half-assedly throw them on and pick up the head box and begin power walking after Ha-chan.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

The hallways were eerily complacent. Right after we left the dining room, we were stuck in a linear hall with one door at the end. There were four vases on freakin' end tables at each corner, too.

Ha-chan opens the door for me, 'cause my hands are full, a~nd…

We come out of the wall on the foyer's overhang. As I swing the door shut with my leg, I notice, uh… it's not a door, it's just wallpaper.

Click. The wall panel slides into place-

Shi~ng! The torn wallpaper fades back to normal, a glimmer of light running up the vague square of wall. Freakin' sorcery.

We raced down the foyer stairs, and out the front door. Some fairies watched us go, not entirely fazed by our hurry.

Ha-chan threw her limbs at the gate! "Gatekeeper-cha~n! Let us out!"

...Meiling leans out from behind the wall, looking at us. "It's Meiling." With that, she leans back into her resting posture.

I kick the gate. "If you don't open this gate, friend, I will make sweet love to it, and you will be forced to watch."

...Reluctantly, Meiling broke from the wall. "I was just getting comfy, too."

She pushed the gate open a margin, allowing Ha-chan and myself to get outside.

"...I had a feeling you were here because of our recent 'guests'." Meiling looked down at the box.

Yeah, guests. "I know you mean freakin' broken torture victims, yo. And before you ask," Holdin' up a finger, I make my intent known! "I am reclaiming this head to avenge the beheaded."

"And what about the masked guy?" Meiling assumed I knew him, too. She assumed right!

"He was here to skullfuck it." I nod enthusiastically.

...Meiling grins, shaking her head. "Sure. Well, don't let me stop you, then."

Ha-chan slowly steps up to her, and gets close. "Shh~. The bricks have ears."

...This causes both me and Meiling to raise a brow. "What?" Meiling blinks.

Bringing her hands up, Ha-chan wiggles her ears repeatedly as she jogs away.

...I turn to Meiling. "Probably has to do with how Sakuya is insane pissed or something."

She double took. "She's what?"

"Bye, friend!" I begin jogging off after Ha-chan!

Meiling jogs with me… and has an easy time of it, too. Freakin' Dragonborn. "What do you mean, she's pissed?"

"Somethin' about masked dude!" I inform her. "I dunno either."

With that, Meiling stops jogging along with me. "Ah. Figures…"

Honh.

Ha-chan and I end up like, around half of the lake when I notice the commotion going on at the other half.

A ton of vehicle-lookin' things are parked on the grass, with vaguely stout-but-not-really people with hair of every freakin' color on the color wheel. They seem to be loading the adamantite cylinders onto each other's trucks and stuff. Considering how weird those trucks look, I'm thinkin' these guys are kappa…

...On the other shore, they collectively open fire on something, the cartoonish sounds of laser blasters filling the air. One of the kappa launched him or herself into the air with the recoil of something, apparently. I can't make out much about their appearance from here…

The dude who launched himself ended up in the middle of the lake, only to resurface next to the shore seconds later. Jesus, they're bullet swimmers. The dude's got boots on, too! I think!

"What's going on over there…?" Ha-chan was interested.

I was, but I was not about to admit that. "Guns and violence." I'd rather not take a look-see to find out whether or not they're fans of the whole 'shoot on sight' philosophy.

Oh, yeah, whatever they were shooting, it died or gave up in under five seconds, 'cause that's how long their squibble squabble lasted.

...Let's just not go there!

"Oh, hello there."

Who?

...Lookin' up and around, I eventually see Alice drift out from some trees.

"...What're you doin' here?" I point at her.

"I could ask the same of you." She retorts, looking at the kappa commotion in the distance. "If you must know, I'm here to see what this fuss is all about."

Oh, yeah. "...Those cylinder things ya see there?"

Alice beckons me to go on. "Yes?"

"They're adamantite." I finish.

Wordlessly, Alice suddenly erects a fleet of dolls around herself, and takes off in the direction of the kappa. I think I just sparked a war.

Sadly, I am unfit to participate in the great adamantite battle of whatever-Gensokyian-year-this-is. I dunno how I'd even hold onto a freakin' smart car sized cylinder of adamantite.

...From here, I see Alice's dolls rain down danmaku on the kappa, and they return fire with their freakin' heavy armaments. Wait- do they have sentries too!? Yeah- no.

"Let's go, yo…" I usher Ha-chan along before she is too distracted by the pretty lights!

"But…" She pouts. "They're coo~l!"

I know, yo, but this head-in-a-box situation…! I'd like to get this thing outta my hands as soon as freakin' possible!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I want to strangulate this guard. I have had it up to like… here with guards! I can't even emphasize how high that is because my hands are full, but lemme tell ya, if I could, and if I could fly, it'd be freakin' high!

"What's in the box, buddy?" He glares at me. "We don't need no more mouse youkai in here, hermit scum."

I don't even want to know. "Alright, look. There's a youkai head in this box. Look-"

"The hell!?" His eyes widen. "Yo-you look like a girl… but you sound like a guy!"

"Look, look, look…" I stick a hand up from under the box. "Look." ...And the~n, I take a deep breath. "I had to dress up, go undercover super spy style, fucking grow tits and cut them off in the same day, and then shank and behead this stupid... broad." Lookin' peeved, I hold up the box. "My party got wiped, son. I don't need this, son!"

"...Al-alright, relax, guy." Turning around, guard number two million billion operates the gate for me. "Go on in."

I watch it slowly raise. "Thank you." Seriously. I was not looking forward to just annihilating another stupid dude with iron armor and a chincy made-in-the-human-village tinfoil sword.

Glancing to the side, I see Ha-chan glide up the wall, and right over it, quickly slipping in while this guard's back was turned. Here's to hoping the people mounted on the wall itself don't give two shits.

A~nd… we're in the village! It's like, pretty much sunset, now, but we're here! I'm alive, Ha-chan's alive, and by some freakin' miracle, I am back with the quest item!

Energetically power walking down the road, I turn to Ha-chan as she catches up with me from the side. "Yo ho ho! We are in like flynn!"

Ha-chan hops! "Ya~y! We did it! We…" She looked at the box. "...Why did we do this again?"

"Money." I inform her. "'Cause we need it to buy some life-insurance-in-a-bottle."

...Ha-chan's smile becomes a little more toned down. "Cool!"

I still gotta have that heart-to-heart with her about the shit that went down in them woods back there. I dunno if it's too late or not, but y'know what? Screw the delicacies of social interaction! All ya gotta do is deliver a metaphorical barbaric blow, yo!

Coming into the village square, I make my way towards the job board where the guard is stationed…

"Hey." I greet the dude.

The guy folds his arms. "If it's gifts, we don't take 'em, youkai."

Yeah, yeah. "It's a head in a box. Doppelganger by the mansion walls."

He jerks his head back. "...Well, open it, then."

Sure. Lemme just-...

Oh, there's a table at the side to the right. I take it over to the table, a~nd… the box is only intricate folded and not actually taped shut or anything. Sakuya's some kind of wizard.

Inside, I- oo~h, shit that's rank.

Scrunchin' my face, I bring the box over to mister man over here…

...He looks down into the box. "O-oh, geez…" He plugs his nose! "Well…" His voice is all nasally now…! "This looks like her, alright. Good work."

Reaching out, he takes the box and puts it on some table behind the job board. Then, he begins to move for the large wooden crate that seemed to be mounted to the floor behind himself. "Don't know how you youkai can even consider turning on each other, but whatever. Nobody knows how you things work."

Son, it's not that hard.

Using a key, he unlocks the crate and pulls out the correct amount of money. I don't think I even ever knew how much this quest actually offered…

"Seventy-five thousand yen." The guard nodded, handing me a bag. "Here you go."

...Ooh. Ho ho! Ho ho ho! Load'sa money!

I nod at him, grinning widely. "You have saved my justice and my culture."

...After a moment, he nodded back. "Alright."

...That response puzzles me!

Well, with that done… I think I will go stock up on restoration items! Like… right now! "C'mon, Ha-chan baby! We're gonna drown ourselves in healing tonics tonight!"

She blinks. "But they taste bad…"

Well… yeah. They taste like crimes against nature, but that's probably because that's what they are. Healing stuff is freakin' weird.

We run off into the village's dusk, lookin' for that Kirisame shop…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Di-di~ng! The little bell to the shop chimed open as I walked in!

Ol' man Kirisame looked up at me as I walked in. "Oh, he~y aren't you a…" He trails off, looking at my face and furrowing his brows.

Low voice time! "It's me, Dennis."

He snorts. "...Alright, well now I'm curious. Who in hell are you?"

I raise the wig. "Poofy hair! I'm here to buy potions!"

He tilts his head back. "Aa~h, you! So, you crossdressing for fun?"

Yep! "Yeah, yo."

"You still gotta pay me back for that last potion or two I fed ya." He smiled. "Or three. Or four."

"One, son." I shake my finger.

"Two." He looks resolute, yo!

"...One and a half." Get owned, noob. We're dealing with decimals, now.

"One and five sevenths." He tilts his head, looking focused.

...How does that work? "What number even is that?"

His face perks up, and he reaches down under his desk. "Well, you see, I've actually got this really nifty calculations device that I bought down at that Kourindou store the other day. I've found a few others in my youth, but they were mostly broken or on their way out."

He comes back up with a really basic-looking calculator from the outside. Ho ho!

"Yakumo said she'd sell me one, but it'd cost an arm and a leg." He shakes his head. "Lemme tell ya: don't make deals with her. She always wins."

I figured!

"You have to do the math." He drops the calculator before me.

I pick it up. "Okay, I will."

I really don't wanna do math so I'll just press random buttons and guesstimate. But first…! "How much is a freakin' potion here anyway?"

"Five hundred yen a health potion." He declares. "One thousand per mana potion."

Jesus. Weren't mana potions the same price as health potions awhile ago?

...One and five sevenths. That's be li~ke… eight hundred yen or something. Eight hundred fifty yen. I'm just totally guessing that by dividing an imaginary second five hundred.

"'Bout eight hundred fifty." I declare.

"Good enough." He just seems happy to take any vague amount.

Time to dig through my coin bag! I pull my coin bag from my bag bag, and look inside…

"Got enough bags?" Kirisame jeers.

"Never enough yo." I shake my head.

"I sell basic sacks for one thousand yen a pop." He plugs his wares!

Son. "My sack knows no bounds."

He smiles widely. "'Specially considering you're dressed like a ice chick."

...Son.

Alright, I got my eight hundred fifty yen. I set it down on the counter- and don't ask how I know it's eight hundred fifty yen, everyone who's dropped into Gensokyo just does. Like- know how to handle Yen in coin format, I mean.

...It's either that, or we spend a quarter of a chapter teaching me how Japanese currency works! Especially in the freakin' samurai era!

Kirisame snatches the coins quickly, dumping them somewhere under the counter in one quick motion. The time before cash registers… "Alright. You said ya wanted health potions?"

I nod. "That'd be fun, yo."

He begins to move. "I got some in an aisle over here. Come this way…"

It only takes a couple seconds for him to direct me to the potions aisle… and holy shit there's a lotta potion types. Ha-chan's in an adjacent aisle, looking at freakin'... junk. I don't even know what the aisle next to this one is.

"So, here…" He points at the red potion on the wall. "That there's a regular, five hundred yen potion."

Woo!

He points at the next one, a bluish-green one next to it. "This here's a Hi-Potion. It's some relatively new bullsh- I mean… magic. Yakumo just dropped them on my porch one day, and let me experiment. Apparently they're some kind of instant heal, and they work damn well too. Only kicker is that no one's got any idea what's in 'em except her. I'm pricing them at three thousand yen."

Three thousand. Geez…

"The last one's a Mega Potion." Kirisame smiles, looking pleased at this one. "Took me a long time to finish, but they've been selling well, so far, even if most of my customers weren't youkai hunters or humans."

Duly noted: youkai are carrying Mega Potions around for no good reason. Oh, yeah, the thing also was like, neon red and had hints of neon green in it.

He continues, "Basically, it has the same effects as a normal potion, but it applies to everyone you wanna heal and yourself. It takes about ten times the resources of a normal potion, so~... I'm pricing it at six thousand yen." Looking smug, he sticks his hands in his pockets. "Kinda a steal."

Not for me it isn't! Not when I don't have a party with me ninety percent of the time anyway!

"...Same goes for mana potions," he lazily waves his arms at the mana potions, which are a rack below. "Regular one restores some. Hi-Ethers restore more. Mega Ethers basically copy the magic structure of Mega Potions. Priced at one thousand, four thousand, and eight thousand yen respectively."

Life as a mage is rough, apparently.

"...Don't even get me started on the elixirs." Grinning widely, Kirisame shakes his head. "Standard's twenty thousand yen. Mega Elixir is one hundred thousand."

People aren't walking banks, son.

"Alright, yo…" It is now time to consider my options. "I think I'll take a moment to browse, yo…"

Kirisame smiles, and gives a nod. "Take your time."

...Ha-chan rapidly takes smalls steps from the aisle she was in towards me. "Brad-kun! Can we buy this- please please plea~se…!?"

...That's a gohei. With like… a Christmas ribbon on it. What are you going to do with that!?

Looking back at the potions, I bring a hand to my chin. I've always been terribly indecisive in stores… but I'm sure no one will mind if I took like thirty minutes considering the most sensible purchase. It's like, sundown anyway.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

END OF CHAPTER 50

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Fairy Slayer, Accidental Human Slayer, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Village Liberator, Eientei Crucible, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine, Sky Climber, Amateur Espionage Practitioner, Illegal Fairy Harborer, Conscientious Party Member, Holder of Too Many Titles.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Tundra Bloomer - A earth-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock; has a flower curved around the hilt. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. Allows casting of Gaia Seed. Casts Tundra, a weak spike of ice!

INVENTORY:

Youkai Inconveniencer - Semi-crux to youkai and undead via a holy spell and being naturally strong against them, but isn't particularly efficient. Most respectable youkai seem to only be momentarily stunned, and anything without visual receptors or possibly a pair of sunglasses would probably be immune. Acts as a flashlight via candles. Converted to a flail with cross necklaces! Can cast Shine.

Fairy Harp - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can create small compressed air blasts. By the addition of a steel block, it gained enhanced striking power and weight, along with increased ability to channel magic into any sort of special effects it has. Sparkles in the light due to fairy dust, able to reduce the accuracy of weak, biological enemies by irritating their senses with the dust. Can play beautiful, flat-tone musi~c!

Flame Salvo - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Enchanted to have an incendiary effect upon sufficient striking force, or sufficient velocity. Good for burning stuff and people! Boosts fire abilities, allows physical strikes to do fire damage. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Has a flamethrower nozzle. Can cast Fume, has Flamethrower Plus!

Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.

Deep Blue - A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Enchanted to constantly produce fresh water. Boosts abilities of water-based attacks and allows physical attacks to deal water damage. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Sharper Than Darkness - A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon style, with increased bleeding but fighting power being the main attributes. Can cast Revenge, a dark spell which has more extreme proportions of the weapon's innate attributes. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to give it an extra deadly edge in combat.

Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.

Million Bucks - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger, from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, and gift from Flandre Scarlet. Has an obsolete map of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Slight damage vulnerability when used, which has worn over time. With added electric and holy charms, the hanger's gained the ability to deal electrical and holy damage. Is able to fluidly chain attacks for stringing together longer aerial and ground combos. Allows the user to fluidly transition from combo to jumping. Allows forced aerial combo support. Grants the user the ability to air slide. Increased jump height when running. Gives motion sickness with avid use!

Market Gardener - Critical hits during blast jumps! Otherwise, it's just a normal, old plant hanger. Named after a very similar shovel…!

NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please. Unless you're surrounded by fairies who don't know the difference- but y'know- that opportunity's a freakin' million to one.

NERF longsword - 'CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals'… you know what that means! Maybe one day this will actually come in handy...

Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! 75% time resistance on equip. Voice, face, and height specifications not included!

Monk Robes - Wear to become a Buddhist! Actually pretty comfy…!

Butterfly Dream Pills - Makes you dream of being a beautiful butterfly!... now, if only there was a pill for lucid or wet dreams, and then I'd consider Yagokoro the doctor to end all doctors!

Remilia Scarlet Disguise - Wearing this as a tall manchild's probably not doing anyone with eyes any favors. Has resistances of sorts, but I'm not in a big fat hurry to find out what they are…

Toasty Yuki-onna Kimono - Best winter clothing twenty fifteen. Fifty percent ice and freezing resistance, but negative fifty percent fire and burning resistance!

Seventy-five Thousand Yen - ...Yeah, just in a bag. It's about time I documented how much freakin' money I have! I should do this for potions, too...

PARTY:

London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks, both the magical and physical variety. Has lance, can shoot danmaku. Variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly. I really have to remember to use her, at some point!

PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. London shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.

Hana, the Electric Elemental Stalker Maid - She's friendly, dude. She's getting better at using thunder magic, too! Cyan hair and eyes, likes to be fluffy, so on and so forth. I don't got a whole lot ta add about her… Oh, yeah, she's weak to earth magic, I think.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Sometimes can cast a slightly stronger lightning bolt… but it still can't fry people!

INVENTORY:

Probably some rocks - Yeah.

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

this was a fun chapter to write!

it took awhile 'cause i've been taking it easy a bit after finishing GENSOKYOBOUND, and also getting BODIED by college a bit so there's that

once my stress levels even out things should be good!

not so much humor this chapter i think… but i think i've forgot what standard i'm even holding myself to here XD

well there's a good portion of humor but nothing more than feel-good kinda stuff… i blame the DISEMBODIED HEAD of that doppelganger

also, matt stuck around a little bit! to make a MANSTER

the proofreader who is him wanted him to stick around and do damage control but i was like "dude remi knows both identities are the same dude and there's no way in hell she wouldn't tell sakuya, and all things considered they both wanna lop your dick off for what you did in the cellar, which sakuya knows from a brief jaunt"

that and sakuya was just around way too much for matt to fill in that i was the one wearing the mask or anything similar, even if he could get away with blaming the FOOD ABOMINATION on me

honh… so yeah he got out of there after that (but i'm not supposed to just tell you here!)

as always, see you all next time!