(in which ice resistance is the best thing since sliced bread)

Steppin' out of the Golden Grin, I tried to scratch the back of my head, only to realize I had the sun racecar helmet on. Oh, shit…!

Matt noticed my delima. "Good job."

I like, slid my hand under my helmet to itch that itch that I just needed ta scratch…!

Me and Matt were now out on the village road! We should do somethin', yo. Somethin' that doesn't involve butchering people, preferably! Unless it's self-defense, but y'know, I gots a feelin' that we're kinda more well armed than the majority of villagers at this point. Not that that's ever stopped them from like, trying to poke Yuuka with their butter knives and getting turned into fertilizer figuratively and literally.

"We should do somethin', yo!" I make my intent known!

Matt adjusts his fedora. Where in hell did he find a fedora? "...Sure." Ho ho!

Let's see… I'd rather not visit the mansion again so soon. Preferably I'd like us to do another job but I don't wanna blow another innocent noob's ass out. Maybe we can get like six drunks together and have them help us fight like, a giga super murderer youkai or something. I'm not sure if that's more or less cruel and unusual…!

Geez, making money without building cabinets everyday takes some moral bargaining!

I look over at Matt. "Do you think they got any good non-murderization jobs on the job board?"

"No." He states bluntly. "Maybe."

...Not like we can read 'em, anyway. Maybe the lemming who stands guard around the thing will help read it to us. I'm willing to bet some of the youkai exterminators are illiterate.

As we continue down the road to the village square, suddenly a short, brown-haired girl in regal attire turns on a dime as she passes us, and begins walking along beside us. Her hair promptly turns some kinda lilac, and her eyes go from purple to red.

...Yeah, totally normal villager, I'm convinced. Seems legit, son.

Matt's equally perplexed by this. He subtly moves farther from her as we walk, 'cause she like, got to buddy buddy distance. She ain't no buddy!

"Hi!" She greets us peppily, but doesn't visually emote much. "I'm Celica." ...Her eyes are kinda like, not whimsical. I'm reminded of Remilia a bit...

Celica, huh. Mystery's solved, yo, we can pack it up and go home now. But seriously- "Ya got red eyes, vampire clothes, and your hair changed color as you walked up to us. Wadda ya doin'?"

She pouts slightly. "You should look in a mirror."

...Y'know, I think she has a point.

"Even so…" Celica smiles warmly, for some reason. "You're both undoubtedly human. I can smell it."

Yeah, this is goin' good places, yo. I can feel it!

...So yeah, we just keep walking for awhile. Some villagers give us stares because we look like a buncha freakin' lunatics, but none explicitly stare at Celica.

"You both remind me of somebody." Celica speaks up wistfully. "Would you fancy a walk outside the village walls with me?"

...Ya think we're fookin' stoopid!? I mean- we may look it, but that was a pretty half-hearted attempt at luring us into an ambush…!

We reach the village square! There's a scattered amount of people here, today. Not as busy as it usually is…

"You want the short answer, or the long answer?" I address her.

...Celica just stares at me-...

I notice weird lights form in her eyes, dimmed a bit by my helmet's visor, and I shut my eyes and look away. "Son- what the frik're you…"

"Hmm." Immediately after, she folds her arms and looks away. "That's too bad..."

...Once I feel it's safe to look at her again- 'cause that was probably some vampire magic bullshit- I give her my answers. "Well the short answer's 'no', and the long answer… is nooo~."

She giggles to herself. "I don't even see what the problem is. You humans are such timid creatures."

She turns to Matt. "And what of you? We can walk the woods, just the two of us."

"Let's not." Matt was already giving the job board idle glances from our position, not really invested in our conversation.

"I love you." Celica suddenly blurted.

Yeah, we're done here. "Freakin'- no. Go." I shoo her. "Flee. Desist!"

She giggles again. "...Okay. Then…"

She slides back from us, and stops in the middle of the square. Spreading her arms out, tiny bat things fly from her sleeves! They don't even look like real bats- their heads are triangles!

Of the flock that flies out, only four bats move to engage us… and by 'engage', I mean drift into our shoulders annoyingly and bounce off of us.

After a moment of doing this, they dissolve into the sunlight, vaporizing.

What.

Matt is sufficiently annoyed! "Hey, dental retard. Stop being annoying. We're busy."

"Heh heh heh!" She gives a good honest laugh, yo. It's breathy! "So much like him… except for the clothing. Anyway…"

A~nd now she's talkin' to herself.

She holds out her hand as we menacingly approach!

Kr-krack!

A large, frosty snowflake generates before Matt. It begins spinning, blowing cold air onto him fast enough for it to be audible.

"Gh…" He shields his face, but his form is covered in a thin layer of frost.

Kr-krack!

A similar snowflake generates before me, and begins spinning quickly. Snowflakes and stuff brush off my face, but I don't really feel anything.

"I don't really get why people like you are always… so troubled." Celica admits. "This is a realization I've come to after many years of consideration."

"...S'that another jeer at our costumes?" I guess.

She doesn't emote at that. "No. I mean why you value your humanity, or fear death."

Matt replies bluntly. "I don't. Could you turn me into a vampire."

Celica blinks. "...Why, I'd love to! But, no… I won't take you today. Instead-"

A snowflake generates inside of me, son! Aaa~h!

Kr-kra~ck!

It spins around, and some weird sensation washes over me, snowflakes seemingly drifting outward from me. Then- I slip a bit, because the floor under me is icy! Woah, shit!

I keep my balance, though! I look at her unsteadily…! "...Wh-what was that? You try to trip me?"

She blinks. "...What?"

Quick, baffle her with bullshit!

I point at her! "Your suit… is stuffy."

Kr-kra~ck!

Again, she casts that spell on me, with the snowflake inside 'a me and all that, and freezes the dirt under me solid again. "Freakin'- would you stop doin' that!?" I gotta refind my balance every time she does that!

...Furrowing her brows, she holds her hand out at a random civilian dude-

Kr-kra~ck!

The snowflake generates inside of him-

Fwash! He's frozen solid, inside a thick block of ice.

...Oo~h. Ooo~h.

She sighs, hastily moving to the icicle guy. She stops midway, and turns to Matt. "You. Follow me outside the village walls. I'll grant you what you want."

Matt shrugs. "Sure, why not."

Son, don't make me follow you to try and save you from this freakin' vampire lady!

Hastily, she runs up to the icicle person, and lifts him with both arms. "Meal for later…"

...Looking back at me, she frowns and glares at me-

Fwoom.

...Oh- what the fuck!? I'm on fire! Fire on my chest!

Hastily, I reach into my bag, pull out Deep Blue, and undo the faucet-

Fwii~sh! Aa~h. Water, yo. Feels refreshing with all this cold resist stuff on… that fire felt like it went from zero to sixty. Jesus.

Her eyes widen. "Water?"

...Matt slowly walks up to me, lookin' frost-swept, and taps me on the shoulder. The hanger's still going, so he gets splashed a little! "Can we just leave already?"

I gesture forward to the vampire lady without looking at her. "Freakin', we could get money if we stop this noob! She's a voompire!"

I look back at her-

She's already in the air over the village. Arrows fly up at her from various places I can't see amongst the houses and stuff- and some pierce her- but she doesn't seem to react, taking the iced mansicle away.

Keine runs onto the scene! "No!" She's really haulin' ass!

...She pauses to give a weird glance at me and Matt, before taking off into the air after the vampire girl.

Once they're both far enough away, things just return to normal, and people keep doing what they were doing. Yeah, just another Tuesday at the human village.

"There goes the reward." Matt nods at the air where they took off.

"Shit." Man, I feel like we coulda clobbered her, those low-tier ice spells she was using. Oh well.

"Hey, hold this." Matt holds out- holy shit that thing looks evil. Black aura and shit! Where even was that- did he just have it up his ass or something?

"Son, put that away." I wave my hand at him. "You're gonna put someone's eye out, yo."

...After a moment, he puts the dark evil communist gangster computer god scissors away. Actually, wait. I hold up a hand. "Take that back out, yo."

...He takes it out again to humor me.

I put away Deep Blue, and take out Youkai Inconveniencer. With it out, I try to get it close a little bit…

White and black electricity start exchanging contact in the air between the dark and holy 'weapons'. They weren't right next to each other, either; this is like two or three feet apart.

"I wouldn't do that." Matt decides to put the scissors away before I could do more weird holy shit to them. Man, if Maribel was here she coulda tested what syphoning did to it…

Does Matt have like, twenty thousand dark resist or something? I feel like something that evil would just give you cancer because you had it in your pocket. Does evil work like radiation? Ho ho!

...Anyway, I idly proceed towards the job board, and Matt follows along behind me. Let us continue the search for more money! I mean, dude… I got one hundred percent ice resistance with twenty grand. Provided, Alice will probably extort the shit out of me next time I ask that of her again. I bet she didn't count on me swinging around twenty grand…

We get to the job board! Everything's in Shebanglinese.

...Actually, there is one job on here in English.

'Hep me to get revinge'

Sounds like quality work. What's the sitch, yo?

'Suunny took fav rock kill Sunny'

Okay.

'I give the rock. Cirno.'

...I'll refer you to a good youkai hunter later, Cirno! 'Cause that job's just a 'lil too vague for me!

You know what?

I walk over to the armored guard person thing by the job board. "Yo. You got any jobs relating to yuki-onna?" Might as well put this ice resistance to work. Plus I got a fire weapon, I'm basically every yuki-onna's worst nightmare. When they wake up at night, they hope they don't see the asshole in the camou kimono rocking a neon yellow racecar helmet.

"We have received some complaints about miss Whiterock…" The guy put a hand to his chin.

Except for that yuki-onna. She'd probably just summon a huge spike of ice and turn me into cutlets. Ice magic? That's cool, yo. Ice physical attacks? Eeuu~h. Not so much…

"Lesser yuki-onna." I clarify. "Anyone that can't summon huge fuck-you pillars of doom, or punch me to death."

He frowns at me. "Now that's just too narrow."

Son. "Okay- sans the punching part." I bet all the yuki-onna have stronger physical attack stats than me just because they're youkai…

The guy smirks. "Well, alright… there was this one job this dude- Kirayashi- posted."

Kiroziro, got it. Mission intel updated!

Taking my leaking hype as a sign to continue, he continues. "He made some nasty remarks to some yuki-onna, and now they've taken his wife."

Oh.

"...How'd that happen?" I ask, scratching the back of my- helmet, right. Shit…!

He informs me! "They usually take walks to this flower patch outside the village wall- you know, the one with the purple flowers?"

"Yeah- I know exactly the one you're talking about." ...There were flowers around the village walls?

"Yeah- well, the yuki-onna came by and tried to intimidate them by freezing stuff- including the flowers- and he called yuki-onna cold-hearted bitches." The guard grinned. "Only thing is that he got frozen half to death, and she took his wife."

Matt spoke up. "Either she's dead, or she's dead and now a frozen lesbian sex doll."

The guard chuckles. "Yehehes, well, he'd like his wife back, dead or alive. You get more if she's alive, but yeah."

Wait. I raise a finger… "Only what, we bring the wife or the wife's frozen corpse?"

He nods. "Yeah."

...That means we don't need a dead yuki-onna body! Ooo! Just a… dead wife body.

Hey, s'not me who did the killing. I'm a passive observer-slash-avenger!

"Oh, yeah…" The guard added another detail. "The guy'll be going with you, too."

Wait, what?

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We stood at the back gate of the village! This job's total is fifty thousand yen- and that's if she's dead! Imagine the total if we actually save her ass!

Me and Matt are both pretty much ready as ever. This is my first time at this back gate…!

From here, I can see Yuuka's tree that she has in the midst of her sunflower field in the distance.

"Here he is." The guard from the job board briefly leans outta the village gate, addressing us. "Don't let him die, guys."

"No problem." I give him a thumbs up! "We're professionals, son."

"We won't get paid if he does." Matt lampshades. He's not wrong!

As the guard leaves, the job host walks out from the gate!

...Oh, fuck me.

He's about as scrawny as me, has generic anime protagonist hair, dinky armor, and this rusty iron sword. Oo~h, no~...

"He-hey, guys…" He lifts his sword, visibly offset by its weight 'cause it's like a broadsword unfit for him. "Let's kick some ass."

...Jesus fuck, he's a dead man, son. I'm gonna need those seven potions, and they won't be for me…

"Brad-ku~n!"

Aw, dude! Ha-chan found us!

Ha-chan floats from alongside the village wall. "The guards wouldn't let me in…"

Job host person looks at her, and flinches back violently. "Fa-fairy! Look out!"

Acting as quick as he can- which is like a couple seconds of trying to exert motion- he hobbles towards a nearby tree, trying to hold his sword upright as he does so. Holy shit, this guy, yo…

...Ha-chan just watches him quietly, before turning to me. "What're we doing?"

"We're finding a wifecicle." I reveal. "And maybe makin' some cash in the process."

Ha-chan tilts her head. "A what?"

"She's not dead!" Anime protagonist guy barks at me! "Don't even joke about that!"

...I probably should save that for hushed conversation. At the same time, I can't take this guy very seriously…!

"Can we get going?" Matt is bored of standing here. "The yuki-onna probably bought a plane ticket to a different magical pocket dimension by now."

"...Probably should!" I agree, beginning to move. "Come along, Ha-chan! Also- make sure DudeMcDuderson over there doesn't collapse under the weight of the atmosphere."

Ha-chan salutes! "Aye aye, Brad-kun!" ...Slowly, she drifts over to the guy, looking really smug for some reason.

"Wa-wait…" It's taking anime protagonist man a few seconds to catch up. "You… know this fairy?"

I shake my head. "Nah, I posted this job on Craigslist, she just happened to show up. Freakin'- let's go!"

"Great." Matt moves along behind us. Ho ho…

With that, our party of four proceeds into the midday's light to find a spooky scary snow woman to whack with our blunt objects.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We're currently on the path leading away from the village. I got no idea where this gate's path even ends.

Of all people, the generic frik is the one leading us, since he thinks he knows where the yuki-onna took his chick.

You know what- "Hey, son, what's your name?" I ask the guy.

"...Akihito." He reveals. "Akihito Kawada. What about you?"

The dude who posted the job was supposed to be Kiro-something. What the frik. Freakin'- somebody's gonna pay us for this excursion!

Hmm. "They call me Tubby Rock back in the north, dude."

...He looks away like he doesn't believe me. Hyonk, hyonk, hyonk…

"Tubby!" Ha-chan contributes meaningfully from the sidelines.

As we continue through the path, Akihito points at some generic foothill that's like… not quite Youkai Mountain, and really far from Youkai Mountain, but still too big to just be called a hill. It's got trees, though! "There. She took Fuyu-chan there."

Yeah, just point at a forest. Well, it's better than generic path, I guess.

He begins to step off the trail, and meander towards the forest. Me, Matt, and Ha-chan move to follow him so he doesn't freakin' trip and break his neck or something. Ha-chan's floatin', though…!

"So…" He makes conversation when we don't! "Why're you guys… no offense, dressed like… you are?"

I shrug. "Just woke up one day, son, and decided I wanted to become a military-grade yuki-onna marine."

"I'm a fancy asshole." Matt summarized.

"...I don't see how your outfits help in combat." Akihito admitted. "I mean- I know you guys are the youkai hunters, but…"

I point at him. "The fuck did you just say to me bitch?" I'll have you know I have over three hundred confirmed kills in the Scarlet Devil fairy infantry!" I will unleash my secret network of succubi, to wipe your asshole from the face of your ass! Or was that the other way around...

"He-hey, I didn't mean to, uhm…!" He looks back at me, holding up a hand to try and calm me!

I wave him off. "Just joshin' ya, son. Yo, this kimono gives me ice immunity. Yo."

"Not really, he'll slit your throat in your sleep." Matt interjects, trying to instill fear!

...Akihito looks perturbed. Oh no.

The bushes rustle before we get to the woods proper! Ho ho!

A variety of bullshit walks out. There's what looks like a harpy girl, a wolfman, and a slime girl. All of them got some weird glowin' triangle attached to their heads…

"Ho~ly shit, an enemy party!" I reach for my bag! "Freakin'- tactical back pedaling! Tactical backpedaling!"

The wolfman looks like a generic noob. The slime girl is blue, and jiggly. The harpy girl looks pretty generic, too…

"Oh- oh my God…" Akihito looks like the world just ended. "Sh-should we go back and get the guards? We're toast."

...Dude. "Freakin'- we're out here to maim what is probably a high-ish level yuki-onna, and you're this intimidated by the mooks? These could be her pets!"

"No. Those belong to me."

From the brush, another girl walks out. She's like six feet tall, has a huge cloak, blonde hair, red eyes… and huge freakin' bazonkas!

She smirks at us. "I'll play with you three, for the time being. Simply killing time, waiting for my love."

Casting her hand forward, her mooks slowly begin shiftin'...

"The hell is this love guff…?" Matt begins strafin' a little…! "Is she from a Disney drama?"

...He looks at me! "Are we in a Disney drama?"

Takin' out Tundra Bloomer, I buff my strength with a 'lil mana somethin' somethin'! "This is one freakin' violent Disney short…!"

"Vampire!" Akihito finally barks. Yes- we figured already! "Th- ah- vampire!"

"Fufufu~..." Aw, this chick has the asshole laugh, too.

"Rr~gh…!" The wolfman starts barreling towards us. Before I can even think of a plan of action, Akihito runs at the thing sword first.

"No! I won't let you!" Akihito barks at the wolfman.

Tossin' aside Tundra Bloomer for now, I take out Flame Salvo. It's time to deal some status effect bullshit!

Akihito swings at the wolfman, and whiffs completely. Wolfie reels his thick arm back, and-

Wham! Right in the torso!

"Aau~gh!" Akihito goes flying. Jesus fuck, dude.

I aim Flame Salvo at the wolf, and charge it with mana…!

Fwoo~sh! A jet of flames extends out a good fifteen feet, and brushes him. He ends up lighting on fire!

At first he's completely oblivious to it, charging through the flames to try and get to me. I just backpedal rapidly while keeping the flamethrower on him, until he's freaked out enough.

"Arh- rgh…" He begins to fall back once he's a fucking inferno. Jesus, no self preservation until it's totally hopeless, huh?

Matt's over near Akihito and Ha-chan, just minding his own business. The slime girl- is gone, and I don't know where. Oh boy.

I look up, and see the harpy begin to descend on the three.

"Hehehe~!" She giggles nonsensically, her talons extended as she hovers over them…

Za-Zap! Two weak thunderbolts strike from above, after Ha-chan raises an arm into the air.

"Ngh…" The harpy is staggered by them, but undeterred.

The vampire mistress extends her hand-

Fwoo~sh! A wind whirls around the wolfman, putting him out. I mean, he's like medium-rare, now, but it's the thought that counts.

Matt takes some kinda… what the hell is that, a gun? He takes a gun outta his backpack awkwardly, his other hand revealing that it held an electric pair of scissors this whole time. Huh. I guess I shoulda figured somethin' was up, since his right hand looks like it's got some big rubber engineer glove on.

Holding the gun upright, he places them in this slot in the top-

Ss~... it sizzles, dude. He always was the one to screw with convoluted things… I think he's trying to harness the power of electric enchanted crap to make a gun.

The harpy nears him, giggling as she looked for an opening. "Hehehe~! Hahaha!"

...He holds up the gun. The harpy mistakes it for a sword, and tries to steal it away with her talons-

Zazazap! "Eaabadabagauh!?" Her limbs dart about inhumanly fast and wildly, a few feathers flying off of her.

She jerks back in the air violently, before collapsing on the floor before Matt. "Ach…" Her features were freakin' sizzled.

...Looking down, I see slime running up my legs. Y'know, I half-expected that when I noticed the slime girl just vanished. She's water elemental, right? I think, blue slime and all. Oh, well, I'll just blow us both the fuck up like I did with that one water girl that tried to molest me on Mount Youkai-eat-man-jaro.…

Dropping Flame Salvo, I take out the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber.

"Relax…" Unlike her friends, the slime girl might actually be sentient! "I… won't hurt."

...That's not the voice of a caring mother, son! That's the voice of your pal George about to shoot you in the head as you pet the bunny rabbits!

Crouching down- which causes more of her to envelop me up to my torso holy shit- I hit the ground-

Boom!

Woa~h! That launched me! Blue slime splatted all over the ground beneath me, son!

Thud. I landed on my back. Ow~.

"N-no…!" Akihito finally got back up. Don't worry dude, the battle's already half over in the time it took for you to get your wind back! "Don't hurt them…!" You're a little late on that, son…

"Ngh- ngh…" The harpy girl convulses on the ground, trying to back away. Matt stands over her, still holding the gun. Oo~h, boy, he's going for a glory kill, isn't he? That's not gonna sit well with anyone!

"Hmph…" The vampire mistress frowns. "Weaker than I thought. Disappointing."

She snapped her fingers-

Crack, crack, crack!

The three triangles over the youkai's heads cracked, and shattered.

...The wolfman looks around, dazed. "Wh-woah… what the fuck…"

...Reforming before me- and quicker than I expected- the slime girl just looks around neutrally. "...Where?"

The harpy girl… is still convulsing. "Aa-aegh- ow o- mgh...!"

"Who wants bird for dinner?" Matt holds the gun above her, ready to stab it down into her.

"Stop!" Suddenly, Ha-chan attacks! Reaching out for the gun, she grabs onto the barrel-

Zazazazazap!

"W-w-w-o-o-o-w-w-w…" Ha-chan ascends to a higher plane as she holds onto the gun, her eyes glowing a bright cyan.

"You two…" The vampire mistress steps forward! "You'll be my new toys." Freakin'...

Lifting the Bawmber again, I just chuck it at her.

She shields herself with her arm-

Boom! It bounces off of said arm, seemingly doing nothing.

"Fufufu~...!" She beams brilliantly. "Explosives and guns will never work on someone like me!" Oo~h, okay, you seem pretty excited about that…!

Matt's trying to fight Ha-chan off the gun. "Get off, you fairy bitch!"

"A-a-h-h-n-n…" Ha-chan moans electromagnetically!

...Turning towards the vampire, the wolfman flexes his muscles! "You bitch! I'll kill you!"

Okay, good, he'll buy me some time! I take out Deep Blue and Youkai Inconveniencer…!

Shaking her head, the buxom vampire snapped her fingers.

Boom!

"Hau~..." Somehow, the wolfman let out a breathy moan as he exploded into, uh, yeah. Stuff, son. Let's just say we're not gonna be able to put him back together…!

"Oh… my God…" Akihito realizes the meaning of the universe, his eyes wide.

"Stop…" The slime girl began to slowly meander towards the vampire.

"Tsk." She drew her arm back, and pulled out- she has a gun! Like, an old ass rifle! It looks like a vintage nineteen-fifties-esque rifle. "Goodbye." She takes aim on the slime girl...

Matt finally jerks his gun in the right way, and Ha-chan's grip slips-

Two sizable, cyan orbs shoot from her hands once they disconnect, the projectiles flying in the vague direction of the vampire. Once they hit the trees next to her-

Woa-woa-woa~sh…!

Blue plasma erupted in spheres in the air around the vampire, engulfing her. "Guh…!?" She stumbled back a little, the electricity running up her, but doing not much else. "Lightning? Hahaha! Show me more!"

Awkwardly pulling the valve on Deep Blue-

Fwii~sh! I am now soaked.

-I toss it over at the vampire.

She's too busy grinning at Ha-chan and Matt to notice it until it's too late. "Hmm- aah!?"

Splash! It bounces off of her!

"Aaa~h!" She yells! "Wa-water!? When did you-...!?"

"Ha-chan!" I yell for support! "Thunder that chick, now!"

"A-ah…!?" Ha-chan looks around, frazzled!

In the commotion, Matt successfully jabs the gun into the dying bird girl.

Zazazazazap! She convulses and slams her limbs around with great speed once more-

"Aah-... a-ah…" Her whimpering slowly dies down and her movements slow, and her body catches fire. We~ll.

"Fuck…" Akihito is still here, by the way, but he's just kind of having a, like… 'genuinely reflecting' kinda moment. He's staring over at the bird girl, eyes wide.

Before the vampire can do something about the water, I aim Youkai Inconveniencer at her. "Shine, bitch! Wake up, and smell the ashes!"

...Jesus, this thing eats enough mana for me to feel like I wanna take a nap after like one holy spell.

Fwoom! A softly glowing orb of light generates at the vampire's position, slightly engulfing her. "Nnh…" She grits her teeth. "You know not what bloodline you've angered…!"

Ha-chan raises her hand into the air!

Za-Zap! Two weak bolts strike down, engulfing the vampire.

"E-anh…" She jitters a bit, but the electricity's too weak. Freakin'-

"Matt!" I request help! "Charge Ha-chan up!"

"Of course." Taking a step back, Matt pivots to my fairy friend and jabs the gun into her side.

"E-e-e-a-a-h-h!" She lets out an echoy 'eep'!

"This- this isn't right! You're hurting her!" Akihito, shut the fuck up, Ha-chan heals from electricity.

"No, son- no he's not!" I interrupt his never-ending downward spiral of pessimistic terror to inform him of things. "She's an electric fairy! If anything, she probably soiled her panties by now!"

Ha-chan held up her arm again, glowing brightly.

Zap! Zap! Instead of a thunderbolt, a ball of plasma generates at the vampire's position, appearing somewhat inside her.

"Nga~h…" The vampire cringes, convulsing slightly and her eyes uneven. "...I will not forget this. I will kill all of you."

A pillar of light extends from the sky, enveloping the vampire. When it closes, she vanishes completely, though we still hear her give a farewell. "I am Raymond, of the Serene household… and you have made a grave enemy."

Raymond's not even a girl's name! She- the boobs- the…

I give the air a middle finger. "Yeah, yeah! Come back with a bigger gun!"

"Fufufu~..." Her laugh was carried by the wind, echoing across the woods.

"I don't like this anymore…" Akihito kneels, out of breath somehow. "So- so much… death. Why?"

I shrug. "I just kind of tune it out, and think about it off camera." Admittedly, this was one of the goriest fights I've had…! I mean, no use in cryin' over spilt milk. Matt could afford to be a little more humane, but like, we are in freakin' mortal combat with these youkai. That, and I know if he's like this, trying to be like 'killing innocent people is wrong' is just not gonna get anywhere.

The slime girl is still jiggling slowly in place, 'cause I inadvertantly saved her from getting shot in the face by throwing shit at the vampire. I dunno how much we actually weakened her, but in this land water is like the creme de la creme of vampire cruxes, even more than blunt tried and true holy.

Wolfman? What wolfman? I don't see no wolfman, yo. Just a, uh, red puddle.

The harpy is a sizzled mess in front of Matt. Freakin'... okay. Engh. Guess I'll just roll with that.

"Ahn…" Ha-chan drops to her knees, still getting charged up by Matt's gun. "Brad-ku~n…"

...Not sure if her thinking about me like that is a good thing or a bad thing. I really need some good electric resistance… if that's how two hundred percent feels, freakin'... yo!

Walking over to where the tall vampire woman was, I pick up Deep Blue off the ground, and turn it off. Freakin'... gotta play fifty two pickup with all my crap. I keep expending half my equip inventory every other freakin' meaningful battle. I need more hanger-bound spells.

The slime girl slowly moves up to me, and rests before me.

I stare at her, and she numbly stares back.

"Hello." I greet her.

"...Hello." She greets me back.

After a period of inactivity, she holds up an arm. "Thank…-"

Shink. Matt comes up out of nowhere and inserts that evil ass pair of scissors into her side-

"Aa-aahh…!" She starts wriggling and writhing unsteadily, her goo changing colors between blue, purple, grey, and black in a weird sorta flowy motion. "Nnnaa~h!" I back up as she starts popping and melting, fucking tentacles blooming through her goo and seemingly like, absorbing it.

Once most of the goo is gone, and the tentacles retract, the scissors lay still on the ground, still smoggy and foggy.

"You missed one." Matt states plainly, as he moves to pick up the scissors.

I let my arms fall to my sides.

"Wh-what the hell…" Akihito, you know what? You're alright.

"Son." I grin at Matt. One of those 'I can't believe you just fucking did that you asshole' grins. "Why."

"We forgot to kill that one." He states plainly.

...Wow. Well! Damn.

"That…" I dunno where to even take this sentence. "That was not okay, son. There's like-" I raise my hand and make a circle! "-there's like, there's a few different shades 'a asshole, son, and that like… that crossed the line, son."

"I didn't know there was a line." Matt makes another plain statement.

...I give him a good look to make sure whether or not he's bullshitting me. That's always kind of a feeling I got with him whenever he like, didn't seem to share feelings of empathy. It's just so surreal.

He seems like he doesn't know what he did was wrong… but at the same time I'm sure he knew full and well. The moment that happened- when I watched that slime frik die- I considered hitting up Reimu or someone. But, y'know what? I don't need the big shots.

I point at him. "Son, the next time I see ya murderize without justification, I'm kicking your ass without justification."

Akihito walks up next to me. "And I'll be right there with you!"

I just give him a stare. "Son, you don't even know what the hell just went through my mind."

Akihito turns to me awkwardly. "We-well… I mean, what he did was wrong!"

I point at him. "Can ya tell me why?"

Akihito just looks away. "Well, killing's… wrong!"

Yeah, piss off, Akihito. Ya freakin'... boob.

Matt doesn't emote or say anything, looking away.

...I move to pick up the Bawmber. Taking some glances around the forested clearing, I see Ha-chan's like, recovering from her electrogasm.

...You know how weird it musta been for Akihito? To watch two dudes in a freakin' racecar helmet and a mask argue morality? Wahaha! That dude's probably gonna go home tonight and wonder what shrooms he ate! Y'know, if he makes it home tonight. He literally just got punched and sat the entire last fight out.

Still… frik. Oo~h ho ho ho… this is gonna be a long quest. That freakin' chick better still be alive, or Akihito's gonna freakin' die inside. Or just literally die, he could end up doing that too.

Once I get my stuff, and Ha-chan freakin' restabilizes, we get a move on. We didn't even have to spend any potions yet, yo… although Akihito might need one after that chest punch. He seems fine enough now, though…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Aah, yes. Forests, trees. Occasional fairy that peppers us with weak elemental magic or danmaku. Y'know, the usual stuff…

"Ow~." Ha-chan got bushwhacked! Aa~h!

...Akihito looked like he wanted to say something, but kept quiet. Y'know that's… probably for the better. When you're not being a freakin' moron, you're giving Matt ammunition to freakin' mangle your hopes and dreams.

Playing with my helmet, I fiddle with the visor a little bit…

Cli-click. Oo~h… what's up with- oh hey! Apparently if you press this button on the upper right of the helmet, you can slide the visor up and down. Good to know…

Reaching up, I slide it up and stuff. Now my face is a face again! I'll probably slide it back down later, though...

"Aw, son…" I turn to Akihito as we progress through the brush! "If some gangsta' is dissin' yo fly girl… ya just give 'em one 'a these!" Abruptly, I reach into my sack, pull out the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber, twirl around, and chuck it-

Boom! It explodes in a bush right next to us, causing us both to flinch!

Akihito just sighs melodramatically. Wahaha!

...Now I'll just go pick that back up. Blown up bush is fun bush, son.

After aimless meandering through the brush, we come across a scene!

We have indeed found a yuki-onna! She's got long black hair and a smug look on her face, and her robe is long, white, with many transparent, ornate designs along it. She's freakin' tall, too- six feet, like the vampire. At the moment, she's staring off into a small pond nearby…

"There she is!" Akihito speaks in a hushed whisper as we all gather in this one bush behind her like a bunch of freakin' mooks. "I-I don't see Fuku-chan anywhere, though…"

...She gives off a very regal presence. Akihito, your life is one of many crappy choices, but this has to be like, your lowest performance. Yes, let us insult the intimidating looking yuki-onna outside the village walls. What can go wrong.

If his fly girl isn't somehow dead by the end of this, I'm just gonna head down to like, Reimu's shrine, and just sleep for a day.

After awhile of us just staring at the yuki-onna, Akihito stands up abruptly, followed by Ha-chan. Go our bruisers!

"Yo-you…!" I'm surprised he worked up the balls to do that! "Where's Fuku-chan!?" He steps forward, his arm bobbing as he tries to keep the broadsword straight as he walks.

The yuki-onna turns around on a dime. "Human? How have you found me, here?"

"I came looking for you!" Akihito steels his posture… which is to say vaguely took a good battle stance, not that he knows what to do with it. "Yo-you… you took Fuku-chan away from me!"

...She simply stared at him, for a moment, before frowning. "Human. Do you know why I did what I did?"

Akihito stepped towards her! "You don't like what I said, that's why! You think you're past arguing!"

"...Do I not have the right?" She folds her arms. "The indiscriminate slaughter of my sisters leaves me with little remorse, and your ignorance leaves me little reason to dwell on you. Leave me peace, and I will let you live."

...I like how she's totally ignoring Ha-chan, who's just inching closer to her along with Akihito.

"Whiterock told me… to give humans a chance." The yuki-onna admitted! "So I have. I am right now, too. Leave."

"Never!" Akihito's grip on his sword tightened… "I've been through too much to go back now!"

The yuki-onna gave a shuddering sigh. "So cold… everything…"

She began drifting back, over the small pond. Akihito lashed forward, which was about five seconds too slow to hit her as she drifted back. "Agh…! Damn it!"

"I'm sorry, Letty." The yuki-onna stared down at the man. "Today… I am out of forgiveness."

Kroo~m. Kroo~m.

Alongside the small pond, two slabs of grey rock erect from the earth, each nearly identical to one another. Triangular, jagged rocks. Their front faces were etched with swords, weird atom-like shapes, and celtic runes.

Viking monoliths. Holy shit.

Let me put things in perspective: I saw those things in a video game once. They shoot ice elemental master sparks, and cast a variety of powerful attack buffs and expert-level ice spells. She's summoned the goddamn ancient embodiments of asskicking viking culture just to lay down indiscriminate frosty doom on our asses!

Yeah, this is not gonna be fun for anyone other than me. If they make huge icicles from the floor, I'll probably not have fun either, though. Ice resistance only goes so far, I'm pretty sure...

Alright: battle plan.

For one thing… Akihito's gotta get the fuck outta dodge! He will die if one of those lasers hit him. Freakin'- I'm pretty much the only person who'll live through those lasers. The critical thing here is that pretty much all of their attacks are gonna be ice, so I'm good. It's just everyone else… will not be good.

Matt probably already knows what viking monoliths are since he's played Epic Battle Fantasy. Even if he doesn't recall, I'm sure weird runed rocks appearing out of the ground might convince him to hide behind a tree and scout or something. They don't exactly look like they came to have tea...

Ha-chan's probably going to fly too close to one and die within the first ten seconds of fighting, so frik. That, and they can cast party-wide ice spells so those'll probably just blow her up.

I know one thing's for sure, though. I gotta get my ass into gear and do something!

Standing up, I make myself known! "Hehehe~y, what's in the kno~w!?"

Akihito looks at the monoliths, bewildered but still pissed at the yuki-onna. "Guh… what did you do!?"

"Who are you?" The yuki-onna glares down at me. Ho ho~h. "Wait…" Her brows furrow. "There is another. You brought help..."

"He~y, now…" I raise a hand diplomacymatically! "Help- y'know, help's a… a strong word-"

"We're here to put an end to your evil!" Akihito, please. "No one human would ever do something like this!" Uu~h… did you literally not see Matt just shank and tentacle that slime girl? Unless y'don't think he's human, I wouldn't blame ya, but freakin'... you're givin' your fellow man a bit much credit there!

"I see how it is, now." The yuki-onna's enraged expression fades to one of just dismissive rage. O~h, boy… "Humans haven't changed. Whiterock was wrong."

The monolith on the left makes a low hum. I look over at it, and it seems a magical circle has formed before it, glowing a soft bluish-white that reminded me of winter and ice. Outward from the frosty circle, ethereal blades generated in a circular pattern, blooming forth and slightly revolving around the rest of the pattern…

Suddenly, the yuki-onna seemed to jerk back in surprise, before refocusing on us. A blue glow of some kind runs up her form, for only a moment.

Similar glows travel up the two monoliths, for only a moment. From what I know, that buffs attack and magic attack up to seventy percent… which is a freakin' lot!

The other monolith creates a snowflake-shaped magical circle before itself. Nothing seemingly happens, but as it fades out, the monolith is left with like, blue underlighting. I think it just charged up its master spark…

I look for Matt, but can't seem to find him…

The yuki-onna casts an arm outward. "I will prove humanity's worthless nature to Whiterock through your corpses."

Kri~ng!

A huge spike of ice, shaped like a blade, erupts from under a tree.

...Matt steps out from around the blade as it retracts back into the earth.

Bam! The tree that was uprooted fell to the ground nearby. Jesus fuck…!

"We'll never stand down! We're strong!" Akihito~...! You freakin' stupid…!

Akihito looks over at one of the nearby monoliths, and begins moving around the tiny pond to engage one. Okay- no, you're not dying that easily…

I run up to him, and grab his shoulders from behind.

"He-hey- get off!" He tries to resist me, but Tundra Bloomer's strength buff from before lets me hold on pretty easily. That, and Akihito's a freakin' wimp.

"Son- look, son, son…" I try to get his attention! "Those rocks- we ain't strong enough to fuck 'em up." Genuinely, I don't even know what the hell works on those things. It's been some time, but I'm pretty sure they're healed by ice magic and stuff, and that's about it. Did earth magic work well on them? Maybe, but I doubt Gaia Seed will freakin' do anything.

Turnin' to me, he narrows his eyes. "How do you know?" Akihito, do you really wanna die that badly?

"Dude- they're super magic glowing asshole rocks!" I summarize them in a simple sentence! "You can't even cut a person with that sword! They'll blow you the fuck up!"

"They're just rocks! She- she probably has some stupid seals on them I can rip off!" Akihito argues with me!

Suddenly, he awkwardly maneuvers out of my arms, and keeps moving towards the leftmost monolith. Akihito- you stupid bast-

FWOASH

O~kay! The viking monolith on the right just… yeah. My vision was blinded for a moment, because

I was hit by an ice elemental particle beam of doom. It pretty much is an ice version of the master spark…

I stumble back after it passes through me, because that was weird. I didn't get hurt, but… it was like when you got hit by a particularly powerful gust 'a wind, and it just takes your breath away.

Akihito's staring back at me with wide eyes. "...Wh-what-... what was that!?"

"Take a freakin' guess…" I still feel outta sorts from that beam…

ZaZap! Two little thunderbolts rain down on one of the monoliths, from Ha-chan, somewhere. Nothing visibly happens, because the monolith's a freakin' rock.

She hovers in from above the trees, seemingly having slipped away despite being by Akihito earlier. "Don't shoot big lasers!"

Completely ignoring the fairy, the yuki-onna leers down at us- me specifically. "...I don't know how you survived that. I'll just take your allies first, then."

The leftmost monolith creates a snowflake-shaped magical circle before itself, which dissipates just as quickly. It's now charged up and ready to laser beam our asses.

"Look, son…" I turn to Akihito. "Just get into the bushes and do laps around the battle, or some shit. You literally can't fight anything without dying immediately."

...Numbly, he nods, before clumsily darting for the woods behind us.

I look for Matt, but it seems he's probably ducked behind another tree or something, and is making himself scarce. At least he's smart.

Reaching into my bag, I look back up at the yuki-onna, and- woah hey now…

She's drifting down towards me, grimacing. "...Your strategies only prolong this. Do you not see how cruel this is to your friends?"

Despite being mid-conversation with me, the leftmost monolith fires its laser at me anyway-

FWOASH

That feels so we~ird…! The ground under me is like, a layer of just ice now. Clumsily keeping my footing, I move to the side so as to get out of this cross-shaped layer of ice generated by the ice sparks. Fortunately, they don't last as long as Marisa's sparks, even if they're almost as big.

Woash. The rightmost monolith creates another snowflake circle before itself…

Kri-krack!

A snowflake- similar to the one that vampire cast one me earlier- generated in the middle of my form, spinning for a bit before dissipating. The monolith just tried to freeze me solid!

The yuki-onna just stares at me with a mix between disgust and curiosity. "...You seem to have a lot of heat, human."

Finally having a free moment, I reach into my bag and fish around for Flame Salvo… "Yeah, yo. Dude- lunatics can't feel the cold." Honh, honh…

She frowns. "...You wouldn't mind sharing some of that heat with me, would you?"

I still don't know whether or not a yuki-onna's doom hug is ice-based or death-based. I guess I'll find out if she grapples me. "Yeah- I dunno, yo. You seem a little cold, and y'know, the weather's chilly and all-"

"Give me your life." Yep, straight to the point! Honesty: I like that!

Whirling up to me before I can even pull anything out of my sack, she pulls me into a tight hug. To my disappointment, she didn't do anything like that other yuki-onna; by which I mean she didn't expose her breasts and try to tempt me. Even so, the long hems of her kimono seemed to wrap around my back and press me firmly into her, keeping me from resisting or moving anything.

Also, since we're the same height, we were pretty much just face to face. Not gonna lie, she's pretty damn good looking! That's probably the point, though. Freakin' yuki-onna.

A strange feeling of comfort washes over me, and she smiles. "Relax."

Well, I'm relaxing, alright. Her hug feels pretty good, and it's not just 'cause her breasts are firmly pressed against my chest. There's something just good about it. I'm also not getting any colder, or tireder- at least, not to an unnatural extent. I can totally see falling asleep in her grasp if-

FWOASH

-if these goddamn monoliths stopped shelling us with master sparks! Jesus!

Her smugness dissipates into a dismal grimace again. "I-... cannot feel your heat. No… you have no heat to give." Wat. "Who are you?"

Crack, crack, crack! For some reason, bursts of ice explode in the air around us, before the ice generated by said blasts dissipates immediately. Is the air itself getting molested?

Pi~chun! Ha-chan, noo~! Awh… frik. Oh, well. I was hopin' she'd see this through, yo. That's the thing about a tiny health pool…

...I grin at the yuki-onna. "I know your game, son."

...She doesn't know what to make of that. "You'll have to elaborate."

"Woah, what the hell's goin' on here…?" A wolfman steps onto the scene, looking around idly. "I heard weird bullshit. I didn't know it was just gonna be some icy fuckfest."

The yuki-onna doesn't directly acknowledge him, but her expression turns dry.

FWOASH

The rightmost monolith seems to have charged again while I was getting molested by the snow woman. The beam went for the wolfman-

Fwash! Immediately after it passed through him, as it dissipated I saw his form frozen solid. I had to look past the yuki-onna's face to see the action happen…

Woash. The leftmost monolith made another snow-circle before itself, which vanished a second later…

A huge spike of ice fell from above, over the wolfman-

Kra~ck!

Both icy forms shattered, the wolfman now a thousand little pieces. Oh, good. Talk about a wombo combo.

I feel the yuki-onna's arms run across my back, which feels weird. "Speak. How has a human like you adopted the cold?"

...I like how we're just gonna low-key ignore how that wolfman was annihilated off the face of the earth. Then again, wolfmen seem almost as prevalent as fairies, except they don't respawn. I gotta ask about them at some point, because everyone seems to treat them like freakin' common animals, even if they're vaguely sentient.

Oh, yeah, her question. I'd shrug, but I'm so snug right now that I can't even do that. "Freakin'- I found it at the park one day in a little box! Took it in, fed it from a bottle-"

"Do not use that attitude with me, human!" She yells in my face! "I will extract the secret from you."

...Is stacking ice resistance really that big of a secret? Does no one think to do this?

Actually, idea…

"Hey…" I decide to ask her a question! "Does my breath stink?" Before she can reply, I open my mouth and blow into her face.

...She frowns. "Yes."

Awh. Yeah- figures. How does Gensokyo do dental hy-...giene… nevermind. Eientei probably eliminated the need for toothbrushing a long time ago.

Now, I ask her another question! "Does your breath stink?"

...She looks away, for a moment, before repeating my actions and blowing into my face.

...Reminds me of a rainy day. That sorta ambient scent when you're on an asphalt road and it just rained and everything's raw.

"S'not that bad." I decide.

Shaking her head, the yuki-onna frowns at me again. "Cease your sidetracking. Since you are an anomaly, I will take you with me." If ya let go of me for even a moment, you're getting a flamethrower up the ass, sweetie.

I take one last look around for the noobs. Matt's off somewhere, and I have no idea if Akihito bailed or not… and Ha-chan's just dead, for now.

FWOASH

We get shelled by another master spark of ice. The yuki-onna holding me seems to look positively refreshed every time that happens, likely because ice heals her.

Floating up with me still in her embrace, the yuki-onna begins to drift off with me. Oh~ boy, yo. I get to see her home!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

After a few moments of just flying- I dunno where in Gensokyo we even are, but it's somewhere far off the beaten trail from where I usually wander- I begin to screw around.

My arms refuse to articulate around myself, locked firmly forward by the cloth of her kimono. Around what, though…?

Instead of moving my arms back towards myself, I try to move them forward. I seemingly shift a little as my arms run up something, probably her hips-

"What are you doing?" She's been frowning into my face this whole time.

...Moving my face forward, I try to rub my nose against hers-

"Stop." She moves her face to the side to avoid me. I sadly cannot follow suit because I'm freakin' trapped, yo.

...I try moving my legs, but they just don't move, probably bundled up well. I feel like I'm trapped in a bunch of blankets, and I dunno how to feel about that.

...Moving my face forward again, I begin using it to dot her cheek as she faces away from me.

"Genuinely." She's getting more annoyed, yo! "If you do not stop, I will freeze you."

"Can't freeze me, noob." I counter! "Hyonk, hyonk, hyonk!"

...My language simply causes her to look slightly lost for a moment, before she becomes unexpressive again. "If only I could find Whiterock. She'd know what to do with you."

I shake my head. "Freakin'- do you have any spells besides freezing people or stabbing them with ice?"

She blinks at me. "Admittedly, no. I have no need for such things."

I'd gesture to myself, but I'm trapped! "Yeah, until me! If you had some fire magic, I'd be freakin' dead."

She snorts. "Fire magic. You do know what I am, right?"

"Well- yeah." I give that that, "but freakin'- some spell variety is good so you don't end up cornered by friks who're resistant to you."

"I don't need a human to tell me such things." She counters.

"A'right, yo." I relent. "I'm just sayin', though."

As we float over some trees, she interromagates me a little! "Why are you as cold as I am?"

"Am I?" I question. I don't feel cold at all.

"Yes. You are." She sighs. "Have you simply stumbled into such a trait?"

...I smirk at her. "I 'unno, maybe. Mighta been all that ice cream I ate the other day."

...She gives me the driest of looks. Wahaha!

Wish I could do more than peck her with my nose, but this helmet's kinda in the way, even with the visor up. Nngh.

"Where the hell did you get viking monoliths from?" I question her support! "Those are kinda high-tier!"

"You know of them…?" She seems surprised! "Let- Whiterock informed me that they were relics of an ancient era, long gone. A powerful blend of magic, technology, and spirit, left behind by a society of warriors."

...Yeah, that works. "So how'd Letty get her hands on 'em?"

"Whiterock," she stresses, "...I am unsure."

S'good.

Suddenly, things are dark! We've floated into a cave! I can still make out the glowing teal of the yuki-onna's eyes, and the slight glow of certain icicles in here…

...Eventually, we come up to some light in the midst of the cave.

The yuki-onna lands, and lets go of me.

Woa~h! Being out of her embrace feels so… feels like I just climbed out of bed!

Looking around the cave, I see a small fire burning in the middle, sticks and small branches piled on one another. The icicles around the room glow with an amber tint, and I see some brown, bobby-haired woman crouched before it…

"Oh?" The girl looked up from the fire. She had villager-esque rags and stuff on. "Hey, Gen-chan."

"Greetings." The yuki-onna said hello, yo. "How do you fare?"

She smiled. "Well enough. This cave traps heat surprisingly nicely."

The girl looks over at me. "So, what're you in for?"

"I was too cool for school." I inform her. "So I've been taken to cold academy, so I can get the cool down to… loel. Yo." 'Loel' is not a word…!

"...I was approached by that ignorant human again." 'Gen-chan'- the yuki-onna- bitterly glared into the fire. "I nearly killed him."

"You what!?" The girl suddenly stood up. "I-I thought you were over that, Genkan!"

...Genkan? That's a curious name.

"I cannot simply be 'over' human ignorance." Genkan stressed, her features tightening. "Though it may not reflect on your entire species, the stigma about the majority of them is all too true."

...She looks over at me as she says that.

...The girl looks over at me as well.

What? I got somethin' on my face?

I shrug at them. "Waddaya want me ta say?"

"I'm expecting something about how humanity is supposedly 'not all that bad'." The yuki-onna admits.

"Are you even human…?" The human girl doubts my humanity!

"He is human." The yuki-onna clarifies for her.

"Oh."

Hmm. What can I say about my fellow man, yo…? I mean, saying that you expected me to say everyone's a saint is pretty much bait for the opposite. It's honest, too…! Guess I'll walk into the bait and roll with it!

I look over at Genkan. "Humans suck."

She rolls her eyes. "Your kind often love to feign self-awareness."

...Hold up, this makes me wonder something. "Has there ever, in history, been a society of yuki-onna?"

She furrows her brows. "Humans wouldn't ever allow it."

I hold up my arm, moving towards the fireplace instinctively even though I don't need heat. "Well- probably not- but if there were a society of just you snow chicks, how'd you act?"

...Keeping her distance from the fire, she furrows her brows at me. "I fail to see your point."

"Just humor me." I ask 'a her.

"I know too few of my sisters to be certain." She admits. "I would like to think civil."

You would like to think civil. I'd like to think we humans could be civil, too. That's pretty different from reality, though…!

The girl who was just in this cave for some reason speaks up. "Well-... we all kinda hope we can get along, but that doesn't always work out, especially with so many people."

"Humans are innately uncivilized and instinct driven." Genkan makes her counterargument! "Yuki-onna, however, are not. Therefore, our societies would be inherently different."

...Y'might be givin' your sisters too much credit there. That other one I met that showed me her tits and tried to eat my soul didn't seem very together.

"But-...!" The girl tries to counter argue. "U~gh…" Good job.

"Barring the fact you only know a few snow chicks…" I begin my own counter-argument! "A~nd… the fact that humans as a whole- not gonna lie- do suck, I'd like to stress a few things that wouldn't match up with what'cher sayin'."

"Get on with it." Genkan allows me to push on!

"For one thing, weren't youkai generated from human fear?" I bring the origin of youkai up. "If so… aren't they inherently based on human qualities and flaws and stuff?"

"Who told you that?" Genkan herself may not know the origin of youkai, however. "If such is what the village school teacher preaches, it may have been for the best that the school was burned down."

...I'm not even gonna question what the hell happened in the village, but- "Nah, yo. I heard that from pretty much everyone wit' smarts." Also, knowing of Gensokyo from the internet! Got them meta strats, dude…

"Names are meaningful." Genkan indirectly urges me to give her names.

"Patchouli Knowledge, Eirin Ya~gokoro, kinda sorta Yukari…" I wobble my hand back and forth-

Genkan tries somethin' ballsy! "None of which are people you know."

"Yo- it's as easy as walkin' up to them and askin' 'em questions." Maybe not with Yukari, but still, yo. They listen most of the time!

"A task in and of itself." She counters.

I point at her. "You ever tried?"

She turns away from me, staring at the glittering icicles. "Who would?"

Hah! I stand up! "There ya go, son! You lose!"

"Wh-what do you mean?" She glares at me! "All I've been able to figure is…" She pauses, not knowing how to summarize our rambling either.

The girl speaks up from the sidelines, after throwing some more sticks and branches into the tiny fire. "Basically, all he's trying to say is that you should understand… that not everyone's nice, regardless of what they are."

"I should understand?" Genkan seems offended by the notion. "They kill my sisters, pollute nature, and proceed to disgrace all that which they took with their ignorance and ineptitude. They should be asking my kind for forgiveness, and never should they be forgiven."

I nod. "They also get to die if anything supernatural so much as breathes on them. While big scary magic people are glaring at them for not being understanding, they're glarin' back for also not being understood. Y'see what I'm gettin' at here?"

"They don't deserve to be understood." Genkan decides. "Not when they close their minds so."

...I point at her. "Do you deserve to be understood?"

Her eyes widen.

Before she barks somethin' at me, I add more. "'Cause yer mind ain't lookin' so open from here."

She turns away from us.

As the fire crackles, I look over at the girl, who just seems deflated after that discussion, for some reason. I, on the other hand, feel invigorated!

"Hello, friend." I greet her. "You Akihito's babe?"

...She blinks. "Yo-you know Aki-kun?"

I chuckle. "Do I know him? I watched him nearly eat shit on like three different occasions."

She looks worried! "What do you mean…?"

We~ll… "On our quest to find ya and save ya- that was the whole premise, y'see- we met this vampire on the way, and she sent a buncha mooks at us and basically played around."

...I look over at her, and she just looks baffled. "Va-vampire!?"

Genkan looks over at me. "So you saw her, too, then."

I nod. "Yeah. Long story short, Aki got decked by a wolfman, the wolfman got blown up by the vampire, and… that's about it." Just gonna low-key leave out the part where Matt slaughtered the innocents…!

"Is- is he alright!?" The wife looked apprehensive! "He's not hurt, is he!?"

"...I don't think so." I give her my most sure answer with a sheepish grin! "If the viking monoliths didn't shoot ice particle beams up his ass, and if he wasn't ganked on the way home, he should be fine."

...Wifey looks freakin' mortified. "Viking- whats? Did he get home!?"

Considering money was on his head, I doubt Matt would let the guy get ganked on the way back, though. That's one thing you can count on with Matt: he likes to do a lotta things within his best interests. I mean, as do we all, but… yeah. He's just a tad more fickle yet still really resolute about his interests.

If something goes wrong with this job and I don't get any money, I probably really am just gonna head down to Reimu's and sleep for a day!

"Probably." I give her my best answer. "...Probably."

"What was his intent?" Genkan steps towards the fire as it begins to die out a bit… "You were hired, were you not?"

I nod. "Yeah, me and that other guy were contracted. Basically: get wife back, get money, Aki-noob wanted to come along. I took the job 'cause the main goal wasn't bringing back a youkai head, which I'd like to avoid where possible..."

...This causes Genkan to look pensive. "Why, then, was he so enraged?"

I let my arms flop to my sides. "Dude- y'took his wife, probably means a lot to him. Hey- hey, what'd you do if you found out a buncha hairy men killed Letty?"

"What!?" Suddenly, her eyes flare up with teal light, and the human wife girl nearby instantly begins shivering violently.

"Ea~sy!" I hold up my arms! "S'hypothetical! Hypothetical!"

...Gradually, she defluffs…

"See my point?" I grin at her.

"No." She gives me a bitter grimace. "...Yes."

"Can…" The wife speaks up, shivering. "Ca-can I go home, now?"

Genkan sighs. "...Very well. I shall escort you back."

Du~de. I got the diplomatic ending! I feel accomplished, for some reason! Didn't have to flamethrower her in the boobs after all!

Gradually, the two girls seem to work up the willingness to move from their places in the cave…

The fire's out, now, although for some reason the icicles began glowing unnaturally. I bet they're enchanted. Although… "Why'd you take his wife ta begin with?" I ask Genkan, before we get moving.

...She huffed. "I wanted him to experience the pain of loss."

Yeah, and then you wanted him to experience the pain of death. It's like I'm trapped in a land of angsty teenagers with superpowers…!

"Oo~h…" Wifey anxiously dances behind us! "Please be okay, Aki-kun…"

We begin to walk outta the cave. Ho ho…

As we move forward, the icicles light up with unnatural, yet cool looking lights to illuminate our way. Ho ho…!

"Those icicles are freakin' cool." I comment on them!

...I receive no response. Awh.

After a while, wifey comments on them, too. "They are really pretty…"

"You both may take one, if you want." Genkan suddenly speaks up!

"Really…!?" Wifey seems to really like this!

...She moves up to one of the thinner ones, and starts pulling on it, but nothing happens. "Nn~gh…"

"...If you are strong enough." Genkan smugly adds after the fact. "Come. They are so firmly established that humans such as yourselves would need to be at peak power to remove them."

"Hold up." I raise a hand, signalling her to wait.

"...Try if you must." She gives us a cold smile.

Reachin' into my bag of tricks, I pull out Flame Salvo!

Crouching before the thin icicle the wife tried to aggress, I begin tapping the base with Flame Salvo…

Flames lick around the areas I tap, and dissipate almost immediately. Even so, with each tap I give the ice begins melting…

"What?" Genkan is taken aback. "...Fire magic?"

I smirk at her. "Yeah, yo. I'm carrying a miniature flamethrower."

...She looks like she doesn't know what to think about that.

Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap…!

Crack!

I pull the illuminant icicle from its weakened base, and slip it into my bag. "You'll find that I'm quite well prepared!" Most of the time! Some of the time…!

"I'll keep that in mind." Genkan nods slowly…

I begin on removing another nearby icicle, of similar size.

Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap- ooh, this one's slightly burlier. Tap…!

Crack! It is now loose!

Easily pulling the icicle free, I hand it over to Aki-frik's wife.

"Coo~l…" She grabs it- "Aah, cold…"

"Do they melt normally?" I question!

"Yes and no." Genkan begins moving for the cave exit. "They're enchanted to be sturdier, however, they are not heatproof, as you may have observed."

Find a way to enchant mine to not melt and then try to slap it onto a plant hanger, got it!

With that we continue towards the cave's exit…

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We are now outside the cave! It seems to be stationed inside of some big, grey rock, most of which seems embedded in the earth. Around the outside instantly is dense pine forestry and bushes, which is pretty different compared to the trees of the magic forest. Those trees're so tall I'm still not entirely sure what the leaves seem like up close!

"So chilly…" The wife hugs herself. I really should get her name at some point.

...Genkan looks around idly.

I hear a shifting sound, and I look where she looked…

A person-sized, tubby fluffle has emerged from the dark brush, and is smiling at us from the shade. "ive found you"

Kri~ng!

Similar to before, Genkan made a tree-trunk displacing size blade of ice erupt from under the fluffle, smashing it into dust.

"Wo-woah!?" Wife friend didn't notice the fluffle until it was annihilated. "What was that…?"

"Nothing important." Genkan summarized in monotone. "Come."

Freakin' fluffles. I still remember that one from Fred's house, I really liked that one for some reason. I'm a fat tub fat tub, son. Would you like to be like me.

As we meander through the woods, probably on the way to the human village, I turn to our yuki-onna ally. "Say, yo…"

She idly glances at me as we continue.

"Would you hug me on the way back?" I make a request! It feels awkward to make, too!

...She stares at me dryly. "Why~?"

"It feels good." I inform her.

...She doesn't look like she knows what to do with that information!

"Aww…" Wife person speaks up. "He likes you." Goddammit, wife-of-Akihito-who-I-don't-know-the-name-of. This is no strings attached cuddling!

Genkan furrows her brows at that. "...I doubt that greatly."

"Hey, hey…" I wag my finger at wife person. "It's no strings attached cuddling, yo."

"Is there even such a thing…?" I receive a skeptical stare from wifey person! "Can't you just say you like her?"

You~ freakin' romantic types! Yo- I've known her for less than five hours, and she tried to freeze me to death and steal my soul and stuff. I mean, I can overlook some of those things, but freakin'... five hours!

"Okay- fine." I raise my hands in surrender! "She's cute."

...Wife person keeps pressing. "A~nd?"

"I think you should be quiet." See, yo? Genkan knows what's up! "You demonstrate a lack of understanding in how love is truly forged."

"Oo~h?" Wife person walks closer behind us! "How is it 'truly forged', then?"

Genkan doesn't dignify her with a response for a bit. Let us ask a literal ice queen how love is forged…!

"It takes time." Genkan eventually decides. "Time, and understanding."

...Wifey blinks. "Is that all?"

Genkan looks to the side. "Maybe." Freakin'- being unsure invalidates the whole argument!

We're passin' through a frikton of trees! "Can I still get that hug?"

"No." Damn it!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We are nearly to the human village! The sun's beginning to set, so the dirt path around us is crested with orange light… also, the path we were on was the Hakurei path. Apparently, when Genkan kidnapped me earlier, her home was somewhere so freakin' far from where we originally were that she took me a whole different direction than where we quested.

"I suppose I should depart from you two, soon." Genkan states plainly. "I doubt my presence near the village would be welcome."

Well, you could... "If you threw on a red kimono instead of a typical white and blue one, no one would literally even argue with you. 'Cept the gate guards, they think everyone's a youkai."

"...Is that so?" She gives me a skeptical stare.

...I gesture to my helmet and camo kimono. "I look like a freakin' manslaughterer and I still regularly get in somehow." So does Matt, who looks like an actual serial slaughterer in that freakin' mask and suit getup of his. The fun part is that he actually is one, so freakin'... good job, guards.

"I don't feel like going there, anyway." Genkan admits. "I would rather return home."

That's koo. "Alright, yo. Thanks for not murdering us and stuff!"

She snorts. "...Okay."

Wife girl- what is her name- waves at our yuki-onna friend. "Take care, Gen-chan!"

"...Bye." She gives us a curt farewell, before drifting away from us, floating just above the ground as she turned away.

With her gone, we proceed towards the village gate…

"Are you gonna visit her again?" Wife girl- you know what…

"What's yer name?" I finally ask the question! "And we'll see, yo, we'll see." Might as well tell her what she wants ta hear…

"Fukuya!" She gives me a grin. "We'll see, huh? Hehe…"

...Oo~h, right, Akihito called her 'Fuku-chan' before. Lotta good remembering that does me now!

Walking up to the partially reconstructed gate, the guard stands ready to greet us…

"Halt." He holds up a hand. "State your business."

Fukuya gives him a peace sign. "Shinji~, it's me. Fukuya."

...After a moment of inexpression, he suddenly gapes. "Fu-Fukuya!? Wh- weren't you kidnapped!?"

"He saved me." Fukuya gestured to me with her thumb. "Big sword and everything. Arrows, too!"

...The guard eyed me skeptically, but moved to open the partially rebuilt gate to open it.

Yeah, big sword and arrows. Lotta help against instant freezing. I'm sure Akihito would know.

Once the gate was open, we begin to move inside!

"Tha~nks, Shinji~!" Fukuya gives him a pleasant wave as she moves inside.

"Ye-yeah…" He still seems shellshocked!

As we move into the village proper, I look around summore. That amber sunlight's really cool looking. In like, ten minutes it's probably just gonna become dark. That'll be friktastic.

…More people out now than earlier, for some reason!

As we near the village square, Fukuya speaks up. "So, do you know Aki-kun from anywhere, or did you just meet him for the job?"

"Job, yo." I answer. "He's fluffy."

"Fluffy…" She seems warmed by that description. "Hehehe!"

It's not long before we get to the center of the village, and move to the job board…

Matt's there, with his arms folded, looking at the jobs. Akihito's reading them off to him, it seems.

"Fi-find… two miss-missing…" Akihito sobs periodically, "two missing cats…"

"Pay?" Matt inquires.

It takes Akihito a moment. "...One-one thousand yen."

Matt jerks his head back subtly, and waves a hand. "Next."

Turning to Fukuya, I put my finger to my lips, askin' her to stay quiet.

She zips her lips! Ho ho!

...Casually, I walk up to the board, and pretend to look at jobs as if I could read them. Matt turns and looks at me, but promptly goes back to watching Akihito try to read the jobs through his tears.

"Fi-find…" Akihito wipes the tears from his eyes. "Egh… find the gi-giant, flaming, magnetic… ra-randomly charging… ub-ubercharged…?" He seems to lose his place amongst the adjectives! "Al-alraune. A plant monster…"

"Next." Matt doesn't bother to ask about the pay grade. Where the hell in nature is a giant, flaming, magnetic, randomly charging ubercharged alraune? What the hell does it even charge!?

Akihito takes a glance at him, and in doing so sees me between them! "...A-ah, it's you!?"

I smirk at him. "Hi, son. Just lookin' at some jobs, yo."

"Ho-how- where…!?" He's baffled, yo!

"Oh, by the way," I point behind him. "I found your wife on the way."

...After looking stunned for a moment, he looks where I point. Fukuya is standing there, waving an arm. "Hi~, Aki-ku~n!"

"Fuku-chan!" Dropping his sword, he sprints towards her and hugs her! "I-I… yo-you're alive!"

"Hehehe~!" She wraps her arms around him in return. "You rea~lly missed me, huh…?"

"Of-of course!" He moves himself back just enough to look her in the face. "Fu-Fuku-chan…"

All's well, ends well, yo.

Matt clears his throat next to me.

...Akihito looks back at us, before coming to a realization. "O-oh, right!"

Breaking the hug, he moves up to the guard beside the job board. "I'm Akihito. You remember the job I set up this morning?"

The guard nods, and goes behind the job board to retrieve the money. Without being asked to, as well! "Lemme go get the money, hold on…"

"Thanks." With that, Akihito reaches into his pockets. "I know I set the job's total at fifty thousand, but…"

He takes two pouches out of his pockets, and hands them to me and Matt. "Take these. Each one has ten thousand yen, and the village guard will give you my fifty thousand yen deposit. I can't thank you guys enough…"

Jesus, talk about payday! Even if, after dividing the fifty grand evenly, I'd make like thirty five grand in the end. More than I expected to recoup of the funds I whittled away!

As Akihito moves to join Fukuya again, the guard comes out from behind the job board, carrying a larger, grey pouch.

"Here you guys are." He plops it down on the small table beside the job board. "Do what ya want with it."

Ho ho ho! I jazzily strut towards the cash along with Matt…!

...I turn to him. "We shall distribute it evenly, yo. Twenty five thousand for each of us."

He just nods at that.

I take a moment to sort out the money, and make sure we both get our shares. I mean, it takes more than a moment because counting money is tedious, but I'm not going to describe that freakin' trivial process at length…!

There we go. I am now up thirty five thousand, and so is Matt. Ho ho!

"See you guys around!" Akihito waves at us, as he begins moving away. "Let's go get dinner, Fuku-chan."

"Oo~h…" Fukuya props her arms up at her sides! "Can we try to get into the Golden Grin again? I hear they're having an all-access day one of these days…"

"Sure thing!" Akihito beams at her. "If not, I know this nice little corner store…"

With that, the couple moved out of audible range, moving down the road towards the Golden Grin.

"That was fun." Matt states plainly.

I nod. "Y'know? Yeah, that was better overall than I anticipated." Sans the indiscriminate slaughter of innocents earlier, but I was glad I got to have that conversation with Genkan. Befriending one yuki-onna at a time, yo… and it's a lot easier when they can't instantly freeze your balls off or hug the life out of you.

...The sun's almost out, yo. Now we just gotta find a place to sleep!

Matt begins to wander off. "I'm going to bed."

"Sekibanki's?" I grin at him.

...He stops to look back at me. "Indeed."

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

END OF CHAPTER 58

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Fairy Slayer, Accidental Human Slayer, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Village Liberator, Eientei Crucible, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine, Sky Climber, Amateur Espionage Practitioner, Illegal Fairy Harborer, Conscientious Party Member, Winter Warrior, Holder of Too Many Titles.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Tundra Bloomer - A earth-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock; has a flower curved around the hilt. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. Allows casting of Gaia Seed. Casts Tundra, a weak spike of ice!

INVENTORY:

[Bag of Holding] - A small bag that always seems to be conveniently unaffected by whatever weird crap happens to me. Never enlarges, almost always gives me what I need if I remember it's there. Infinite inventory space. I would like to know where it actually puts all my stuff though…

Swordbreaker - Dark elemental plant hanger. Boosts the power of dark skills. Has a curvy, fancy design that lets it easily counter swords! It better, with a name like 'Swordbreaker'. Provides a weak but passive boost to defense, magical defense, and evade. Lowers the attack of foes as its on-impact effect.

Youkai Inconveniencer - A holy plant hanger, which works as a flail 'cause of the cross necklaces attached to it! May cast Flash, an attack that blinds; works best on darkness elementals and youkai. Acts as a flashlight via candles. Converted to a flail with cross necklaces! Can cast Shine.

Fairy Harp - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can cast Gust. By the addition of a steel block, its attack and magic attack increased slightly. Sparkles in the light due to fairy dust, able to reduce the accuracy of weak, biological enemies by irritating their senses with the dust. Can play beautiful, flat-tone musi~c!

Flame Salvo - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Boosts the power of fire skills. Ignites stuff on impact. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Has a flamethrower nozzle, allowing the user to cast Flamethrower Plus! Allows the user to cast Fume.

Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.

Deep Blue - A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Can produce limitless fresh water. Boosts the power of water skills. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Sharper Than Darkness - A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon style; physical attack increased, physical defense lowered. User bleeds out faster. Can cast Revenge, an attack that increases in power the lower the user's health is. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to let it cut!

Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.

Million Bucks - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger, from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion. It's a gift from Flandre Scarlet! Has an obsolete map of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Lowers defense slightly. With added electric and holy charms, the hanger is slightly electric and holy elemental. Is able to fluidly chain attacks for stringing together longer aerial and ground combos. Allows the user to fluidly transition from combo to jumping. Allows forced aerial combo support. Grants the user the ability to air slide. Increased jump height when running. Gives motion sickness with avid use!

Market Gardener - Critical hits during blast jumps! Otherwise, it's just a normal, old plant hanger. Named after a very similar shovel…!

NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please. Unless you're surrounded by fairies who don't know the difference- but y'know- that opportunity's a freakin' million to one.

NERF longsword - 'CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals'… you know what that means! Maybe one day this will actually come in handy...

Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! Seventy-five percent time resistance on equip. Voice, face, and height specifications not included!

Monk Robes - Wear to become a Buddhist! Actually pretty comfy…!

Butterfly Dream Pills - Makes you dream of being a beautiful butterfly!... now, if only there was a pill for lucid or wet dreams, and then I'd consider Yagokoro the doctor to end all doctors!

Remilia Scarlet's Mob Cap - Twenty five percent dark resistance. Lets me be a Touhou, too!

Camouflage Kimono - This kimono means business, son. One hundred percent ice resistance, and as such renders me immune to all magical ice damage. Dunno 'bout icicles and stuff, though. Fifty percent freeze resistance… not that freezing will hurt me with this thing on. Fifty percent dark resistance. Negative fifty percent fire and burning resistance. Hopefully hides me a bit when navigating in the freakin' brush...

Yellow Racecar Helmet - It's like a really knockoff space marine helmet! Fifty percent sun resistance, one hundred percent freezing and blinding resistance. Also gives immunity to electrical stunning. It feels like it's got good physical defense, too… at least for my head.

Fifty two thousand, two hundred Yen - ...Yeah, just in a bag. It's about time I documented how much freakin' money I have!

Seven Health Potions - They give you youkai-like regen for like, thirty seconds! No chuggin' these babies to indefinitely survive the cold reaches of outer space. Unless the regen outdoes the asphyxiation, but I think I'd rather die by that point…

Four Mana Potions - Restores an average amount of mana, I think. More than enough for someone like me!

Five Panaceas - Cures all status effects. I dunno if it works on debuffs, though...

WebDings Book about Foreign Juices - Wahaha! This better fetch a price on the market!

Dark Stone - I dunno what it is, but it looks cool. Probably something I can slap to one of my dark weapons!

Enchanted Icicle - I gotta make this melting resistant, soon! It's enchanted to glow in the dark…!

PARTY:

London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks, both the magical and physical variety. Has lance, can shoot danmaku. Variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly. I really have to remember to use her, at some point!

PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. London shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

ho HO HO more STUFF AND THINGS

this was a fun chapter; most of it i pumped out in two sessions and i finished up in a third

more matt outside 'a his own chapters, yo! honh

i had fun with the yuki-onna, GENKAN; she became a more depthful character than i initially anticipated

left the wife alive because why not yo; gensokyo can be fluffy sometimes too… that and not all yuki-onna are rampaging axe murderers, even if most of them are really angsty

akihito got his GOOD END AFTERALL, even if he wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer

by the way those monoliths are still there they didn't get desummoned or anything… they're just THERE

wahaha

oh yeah the voompires, they're based off of characters from this one eroge i read… although the spells and stuff are from other places because in the doujin itself they just had very much lots of sex and the most celica cast was like one dark bolt and a bunch of ecchi shit

celica and RAYMOND are not their actual names, but they're of a SIMILAR FORMAT

viking monoliths are another epic battle fantasy enemy that casts exclusively ice spells, along with powerful overall attack buffs

rip goo girl you will be missed but you are not the last we will meet

as always, see you all next time!