(in which we break an arm out there)

Alri~ght…

I am still in the Forest of Magic, and Ha-chan's still trying to become one with me via medi-beam sponsored hugging.

"Mmnh…" She squeezes me!

"Yo…" I try to wiggle away, but she's freakin' determined…!

...That floating healing robot named Seikatsu begins to drift off. Yo, no!

Holding up Youkai Inconveniencer behind Ha-chan's back, I hit myself in the hand- "Ow!" -which hurt more than I bargained for.

...Ha-chan gave me a curious stare for a moment, before resuming the cuddling. Seikatsu's healing beam refocused on us after I hurt my hand.

I'm considering getting Seikatsu over to Eientei for fun nugget times, and to see if Eirin'd have anything smart to say about her. Or limbs, Eirin might also have some limbs to give her…!

It'd be kinda meh to have to hurt myself the entire way, though…

Wait.

"Ha-chan, I have a brilliant idea." I inform the cuddle fairy.

"Nnh?" Also you're freakin' close…! S'not a bad thing, but…

"Can ya let go for a moment?" I ask her. There's not a lot I can do in her grasp!

…She gives me a freakin' examining look.

"Oka~y." She pouts, before unhugging me. "We're gonna cuddle later though, Brad-kun."

Ho ho. That's alright with me!

Seiketsu begins to move away again, and I just hit my arm again- "Ow!" That's gonna bruise- wait, no, no it isn't.

...The friendly healing robot turns back around and continues healing me. The pain in my arm quickly recedes again.

"We're gonna work on my rocket jumpin' skills, yo!" Slipping the janky ass flail-like Youkai Inconveniencer back into my sack, I take out the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber!

"Ooh!" Ha-chan floats into the air. Despite being in Gensokyo for like a month, cuddly fairy girls suddenly taking to the air right next to you is somewhat surreal! "...Where'll we get a rocket, though?"

I wave off her question. "I mean I'm gonna hit the ground and get flung around by explosions!"

...Seikatsu starts to drift off again!

Crouching, I hit the dirt beneath myself-

Bam! "Ugh…" I stumble back, not ready to launch so instead I just end up inflicting pain on my entire body. Ow~...

...Seikatsu comes back, again! Freakin'- I really gotta get a move on. This is time attack, son!

As the pain in my body ebbs away, I stare up into the forest's glow canopy…

"Mistress Patchouli said that's what happens when you think too hard." Ha-chan commentates on me blowing myself up. Freakin'...

I crouch, jump, and make sure to hit the ground before I land on it-

Boom!

Agh- woah! Been awhile since I've done this! Got some freakin' air…!

As I ascend towards the forest canopy, Seikatsu somehow copies my momentum and accelerates with me. The pain from the blast that propelled me begins to fade, as well.

Then I get beat the fuck up by branches. "Oh- hey- shit…"

Hastily flailing my limbs, I try to grab some of the branches or leaves but end up missing, descending back towards the floor. To keep myself from getting beat the fuck up too badly, I turn to the tree bark and hit that as I near it-

Boom!

Now I'm moving mostly horizontally, but still down!

After a few seconds-

Thu-thud-thud. Fuck. I roll across the floor-

Boom! My hanger clips the ground and extends my roll. Shit…! "Auh…" Ow ow ow- what did I just land on…?

Ha-chan floats after me! "...Brad-kun? Are you okay?"

No.

...After a few seconds of being sad, however, I feel the pain pulse away. Thanks, doc...

"Ye-yeah." I begin to rise from the floor. I'm still in the same freakin' clearing! "Just peachy, yo." I'm really glad I have this helmet, now. If I land awkwardly, my head's gonna be okay no matter what! Unless I fall from like five million feet right on it, but yeah.

Ha-chan relaxes. "...Oh. You looked like you were really hurt."

...Huh. She cares? I mean- I guess she would, but that's something I didn't think I would witness any time soon. Someone caring about me getting freakin' gibbed, I mean.

Invigorated from the healing, I spring back up onto my feet! I'm definitely not going to regret trying to blast jump all the way to Eientei like an asshole.

This time, however, I reach into my bag and take out Million Bucks. This shit'll send me to the moon if I blast jump with it… and I can do that weird gliding thing!

First, I gotta get the big hurt, though.

Walking up to the nearest tree, I fuck its shit up.

Bam! Boom! Bam!

"Aouw~!" The third blast nearly knocks me over, but I just stumble back. My body's everything is yelling at me and I'm having many many second thoughts, but I gotta commit…!

Before Seikatsu can heal me too much, I jump- woah! Underestimating my floatiness with Million Bucks out, I drift up like five feet.

Crouching in the air, I wait for myself to drop towards the forest floor… and once I near it, I swing at it-

Boom!

Woaa~h!

...Goodbye, tree tops! Wow. Str~aight up. My ascent got me slightly molested by branches, but otherwise I'm mostly just achy from blowing myself up repeatedly.

I'm still going up, by the way. Wa~y up past the tree tops. Holy shit. I can see the mansion from here! And… kinda sorta the village.

Up here, the sky is bright. The forest floor beneath me is sparkly, blue, and dark, mostly obscured by the tall trees that I had passed. I can see Ha-chan floating out from them!

I guess the forest's glowstick-hell effect is from the trees. Who'da thunk it? Interesting that it doesn't go this high, though…

As I near the apex of my jump, ever so slowly, I notice Seikatsu's blank, soulless stare as she drifts pretty neatly in synchronization with my momentum. Her medi-beams are still focused on me, too!

...Oh, shit, if I reach full health up here, she'll skedaddle. Oh boy.

Finally, the apex of my hop is here!

...I'm just kinda suspended in the air for a few moments. My legs are like tiny static storms, yo. The view here almost makes me forget the fact I want to just lie down in a bed and go to sleep until the end of time.

Ha-chan's nearly caught up! However, there are no brakes on the blow-yourself-the-fuck-up train!

Performing my double jump, I glide idly in the direction of the village.

Man, this is slow by comparison to my jump. At the same time, I feel like fucking Batman. The gliding motion makes me splay out with my stomach facin' downward. It's almost like I can fly!

I have a need for speed, yo. Still gliding forward like this, I curl up into a ball. Extending the arm holding the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber, I get ready to slap my shoes…

A~nd… hit!

Boom!

Akh- wind in mouth- ngh…!

As it turns out, moving really fast really high up in the air sucks. Now that I think about it, I could turn this into a legitimate method of travel if I was careful enough, and felt like burning through my health potions like a druggie.

I also spin a little, but performing another 'double jump' makes me even out, so I don't get too dizzy.

Seikatsu is still healing me, which is good. Those have to be some damn good anti-gravity modules to keep up with my crazy bullshit. Then again, I don't know anything about anti-gravity modules…

The blast gave me mostly horizontal momentum, which meant gravity was ready to piss me off by existing again. By that, I mean I'm now going horizontal and down.

Crouching mid-air again- and closing my helmet's visor so the wind doesn't beat me the fuck up- I try to wiggle a bit as I hit my shoes again-

Bam!

...Well. I'm probably accelerating towards the ground faster than I was before. You know what, if physics wants to be like that, I'm just gonna go all in and try to like…

I've got options. Do that airplane thing where you hold up when going down to go up, or hope breaking my gliding motion and blowing myself up repeatedly does something productive.

Instead of crouching, I just hit myself in the side-

Boom!

Fuck! That hurt… a lot more than it did when I hit my shoes.

Breaking my gliding motion, I'm… just awkwardly kinda twirling down towards the ground, now. At the very least I seem to be almost out of magic forest range! I'm over the edge regions of it, nearing the Hakurei path…

"Hehehe~!" I hear a fairy that's not Ha-chan somewhere nearby!

"Bloody sadistic for a water fairy, aren't'cha?" ...S'that Star, too? "U~hm…"

I activate my glide again- I guess the momentum from blowing up resets it or something- and look around…

...Star and some generic water fairy are currently drifting in an orbit around me. Ho ho!

"You okay?" Star stares at me dryly. "Looked like you were 'bout to take a spill."

"O~h trust me, yo…" I shake my head. "I'm gonna be takin' some spills, alright!"

"Like water?" The water fairy grinned widely.

...Star turned to her, deflating. "Took you all night to come up with that one, huh?"

...After a short delay, the water fairy turned to her. "Would it be bad if I said yes?"

I'm actually starting to feel pretty good right now. That means my pocket medic might abandon me, which is not pretty good!

As such… idea. If my every blast is super-accented by how hurt I am…

Taking the bomb hanger, I hit myself in the back.

Boom!

"Woah!?" Star is sent tumbling by the blast.

"Eep!" The water fairy kicks and flails her arms at the air wildly as she drifts backward!

And I~... am going straight down!

Holy fuck that's fast! Oh shit oh shit oh shit-

Boom! I hit myself in the stomach to cancel my momentum-

"Gufgh..." ...I just spat inside my visor. Involuntarily, but still. Gonna have to clean this shit later…!

...Now that my momentum was cancelled well enough, I was free to fall straight down another like ten-twenty feet onto my limbs.

Thud! "Aa-aah…"

Fuck- I landed wrong- ow… like, I landed on my arm but since it was holding Million Bucks I had to land on my elbow and- shit…

I try to move and- nope nope nope. Ow. That arm… has seen better days.

Slowly but surely, Seikatsu's healing beam soothes me.

Okay, maybe this isn't such a good thing for mass transit. I descend so slowly during a proper glide that it'd probably take me all day to actually softly land on my stomach, too… and knowing me, I'd try to speed the process the fuck up and end up like this.

...I try to move my arm again. "Sss…" I hiss, because it hurts, and doesn't move the way I expect it to.

After waiting a few more moments, I hear my arm pop like I just had a good stretch. "Aah- nnh…" I shut my eyes. That's good, dude. Give me more of that fucking broken arm sensation. Yeah.

After a moment, I push my elbow against the ground again.

Okay, that's better. Stings and shit, and is sorta shaky, but it actually moves good and stuff.

"You alright!?" Oh, hey, it's Star! She actually came to check on me!

Where the fuck'd I land, anyway… oh. I'm on the shrine path.

Lifting my arm, I see that some dirt from the path has become one with my kimono's sleeve. Considering it's camouflage, that doesn't mean much! Ho ho!

"No." I inform her. "Thanks for askin', though…!"

...Letting myself roll onto my stomach, I get onto my knees and start to rise again…

"Wh- you're getting back up…?" Star blinks at me, perplexed. "I thought humans couldn't fall that far, though…"

"Physics sucks." I state plainly in response.

...Star nods compromisingly at that. "Yeah. Yeah, I'd say so…"

The water fairy drifts down, too! Immediately once she gets in range, she starts shooting streams of danmaku from her arms!

"Yo- easy!" After eating some of the first blue bullets, I start running away! "What'd I do ta you!?"

"You scared me and made me explode!" She barks back! Freakin'- I just made an explosion infronta you- there's a difference!

I'm healthy again except for the elbow that ate shit, which is now just moderately achy because pocket medic.

Speaking of my pocket medic, Seikatsu's not reacting to the danmaku at all, even though the fairy's pretty much dead-on shelling her 'cause of how she's tailing behind me. It might be because the fairy's weak as piss, though…

I have no time to spare for getting pelted by wimpy bullets, though! I mean, they don't really compare to my arm getting blown up, but I don't have time in general at the moment!

"Sorry, yo!" I apologize to the water fairy. "I gotta hop on outta here!" Literally!

Crouching, I do a little hop 'n' hit action-

Boom!

Yea~h! Ho ho~… not as much height as the last hop 'cause I wasn't as hurt, ironically. Even so, I go high enough to still see a buncha notable structures in the distance. I can see the stalks of the bamboo forest from here, too!

Since I'm here I can just not head towards the human village, and keep chaining myself towards the forest of freakin' mazes.

I glide towards the bamboo forest a little! Seikatsu's on my flank again, too.

"Brad-ku~n!" Ha-chan's almost caught up! "Wa~it!"

There are no brakes!

...Actually, I need a good blast jump that starts at an arc so I move stupid fast. 'Cause right now I just go straight up and try to work things out from there, and it doesn't go so well.

Do I really want to go down again, though? Eheheh…

For now, I'll just fly. Well… fall with style.

As such, Ha-chan does manage to catch up with me! "When'd you learn to go so fast!?"

When I started blowing myself up! "I saw it in a book once, yo." Don't try this at home, kids…!

...Ha-chan tilted her head. "Wo~w…" She looked at the world below us. "If more books were like that, reading would be fun!"

What, you don't like hearing about Gatsby's freakin' weirdly anti-social life in old, shiny America? 'Cause I wouldn't blame ya…!

Anyway, I gotta keep screwing around so my pocket medic doesn't equally distribute her heals elsewhere. Against my better judgment, I curl up into a ball and hit my own ass-

Boom!

Spi~n cycle! Woaa~h!

Activating my glide- oh, good. So, uhm… I'm moving towards the bamboo forest, yeah, but my gliding posture opened in just the right way to point me straight towards the floor. Like, nosedive.

...Within moments, my forward momentum begins to slow and my glide makes me accelerate down. Fucking- good glide. Really good glide. Yes, I wanted to nosedive into the dirt and become an ostrich.

I think I'll just hit myself to stop this freakin'-

Bam! I exploded my side again. Ow. Well, now I have sideward momentum again! I'm not falling down as fast.

...How the hell does Seikatsu keep up with me, anyway? She only lags behind a little each time I leap around like a moron. Actually, you know what? If she's so freakin' fast…

Turning away from her without activating my glide, I like, kneel and hit my knees-

Boom!

...I ended up going at an awkward upward angle-

Thud! I slam into Seikatsu!

Before I could break from her, I scramble to turn and wrap my arms around her freakin' limbless body. "Yo- yo- sorry, I need a lift…!"

...No reaction. Freakin' cyborg people. I'm still being healed, even though I'm pretty sure I've got one hand latched to an unfortunate clump of her hair.

Like this, we just sit suspended in the air. She's slowly rotating, now, for some reason.

"Hey." I try to get her attention. "I wantcha to take me somewhere."

...Nothing.

Take two! "Uhm… take me to specific coordinates?"

Nothing. Yeah, that one kinda sucked.

"Seikatsu." I speak her name.

"Accepting_input." She responds! Hohoho!

"Allow me to input directions." I try to make her accept my input!

"Unrecognized_command: Allow me to input directions." ...Did she record my voice and return it to me? Yeah- I know what I said…!

Anyway, looks like no can do. Aww.

...Ha-chan's slowly catching back up. I can see her in the distance.

Since we're near the bamboo forest, if Seikatsu goes to heal people, she should bring us closer to the clinic!

Wow. I'm not sure if feeling this good is worth breaking a limb again for or not. Probably not.

The medi-beams are now off me.

Seikatsu starts to drift down really fast, carrying me with her. Wind roars around my helmet as she freakin' zips down to ground level, and accelerates towards the bamboo forest's rim.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Freakin'... I'm getting bushwhacked! Aah!

Seikatsu pretty much plows through tiny brush and branches, which doesn't bode my body well. Whenever she accidentally bashes me against something big and burly, she stops and heals me.

Oh, that reminds me, the only soft part about her is her stomach and head, which may or may not even be real flesh. Everything else is just… plastic or metal. The hair seems real, though.

Eventually, after plowing through the woods, Seikatsu stops somewhere. It's got a rock and a creek. This forest had a creek?

There's a burly-looking Reimu yukkuri sitting by the water, leaking some kind of fluid from its sides. Like, person-sized. Yo.

"Ea-eah…" It twitches, otherwise immobile, a somewhat dry stream of tears staining the face of its dirty form.

...What the hell even happened here? Just a freakin' injured tubby yukkuri in the middle of nowhere.

Seikatsu's medi-beams connect with the yukkuri. Slowly, the leaking holes on the yukkuri's sides begin to close…

After a minute, the yukkuri is beaming, patched up but still freakin' dirty.. "Easy!" It's freakin' loud, too…!

...Seikatsu doesn't react. Hoh.

The Reimu yukkuri starts scooting across the creek to reach us, but Seikatsu just zips off into the woods. Bye, colossal Reimu yukkuri!

The forest brush around me is a blur as we freakin' zip off somewhere else.

Woah- woah, woah! Jesus, Seikatsu stops on a dime. Nearly threw me off when she stopped this time…

We're before some lunarian rabbit girls, with suits of varying shades! Most of them just have those rifles Kaguya was toting earlier- the basic plasma rifles.

One of them has no weapons, but has a dark green suit on and what looks like a freakin'... first aid tub.

They all aim their guns at us, jumping at our presence.

"Freeze!"

"That's… not one of them."

"Hold fire!"

...Despite holding fire, they keep their guns on us.

On closer examination, a lot of these bunny girl soldiers have crimson holes in their suits. The hell shot them back?

…Seikatsu's medi-beams stretch out to connect with the one closest to us.

Everyone seems to hold their breath, and the affected bunny girl's eyes widen. "What are you-..."

...After a moment, however, she relaxes. "It's okay. She's some kind of medic, everyone."

Everyone instantly lowers their guns, resuming whatever they were doing before.

We seem to be in a clearing of some kind. Grey, sleek surfaces lie abandoned on the ground around the rabbits. Oo~h, they were fighting some of those fucking space sniper fluffles. There don't seem to be anymore here, though.

"...Hello, friends." I greet them.

The rabbit in a grey suit- the one Seikatsu first targeted- walks up to us. "I'm glad to see you here. Those shots are rather unpredictable, sometimes, and our field medics can only do so much."

...I tilt my head. "You mean me?"

...She blinks. "Sure. You probably maintain that robot or something. I don't know. If you're healing me and my girls, you're fine with me. Besides..." She idly gestures towards Seikatsu with her free arm. "She looks like lunar tech anyway."

Huh.

Seikatsu moves a little to heal a different bunny, who looks at us and smiles.

Wait. "If we looked like lunarians, why'd you almost shoot the fuck outta us?"

She replied pretty promptly. "There have been lunar espionage agents scouting Gensokyo as of late. They're not bothering with us specifically, but we'd rather not take chances. That, and I feel like we'd be looked at pretty highly if we somehow apprehended scouts on a basic patrol."

That's true. Wait wait- lunar espionage agents? Like, from the moon moon? I mean- as opposed to all the other moons- but freakin'... I thought they didn't get too involved with Gensokyo.

...Seikatsu moves to heal the next bunny in line. The red-haired bunny getting healed gives us a thumbs up! "Thanks, doctor!"

I wave at her, stealing credit for Seikatsu's freakin' health hacks. "Yeah, take it easy, yo…"

So, yeah. Freakin' fluff war is still going on here on the small scale, apparently.

Considering this is just a small patrol of like, five bunnies, I'll wait out the healing. The medic doesn't even look hurt.

Seikatsu heals the next noob who got sniped by fluffles. She just closes her eyes and basks in the healing sensation…

Actually, I could probably ask these rabbit friends what direction Eientei is. That'd be a fluff nugget time…

"Yo, which's the way to Eientei by flying again?" I raise a brow, pointing idly into the woods. "Wanna try going up and over the trees."

The grey-suited, pastel-haired rabbit looks at me again. Then, she points to my left. "About that way. I know what you mean, the way this forest does directions is weird. Even we get sidetracked sometimes."

Hoh. "Thanks, yo. Now…"

As Seikatsu starts healing up the last friendly rabbit, I hop off of her and start moving for the bamboo. Since it's unlikely Seikatsu herself'll mosey on over to Eientei, I'm gonna give her a little incentive…!

As fun as making a warpath through the woods might be, I got no idea how that'd turn out since this forest is some Super Mario RPG shit. Instead, I'm just gonna~...

Walking over to a nearby bamboo tree clump- not a very far walk- I take Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber out. You and me again, nature… who will win this time?

Time to get aggressive! I attack the bamboo clump!

Boom!

That's my arms hurting!

Bam! I hit the bamboo again.

That's my torso hurting…!

Boom! Third time's the charm…!

No~w I'm on the pain train…

The grey-haired squad leader bunny is now worried! "Hey-... are you okay?"

...I give her a hasty look, my eyes narrowed in freakin' pain. "A- ah-... ye- yeah, I'll be al- alright." Oo~h this was a mistake…

"Really?" She steps towards me. "Look- if something's up, we can help." ...After a moment, she adds onto that! "Within reason, of course."

Yeah, yeah. C'mo~n, Seikatsu, heal me already…

Once the healing robot of fun finishes with the last bunny, her beams return to me!

Oo~h, yes yes yes yes. S'good. The pain is so~ much more bearable with a medi-beam on you. At least, when it's not snapping your bones back into place. In that case it's worse!

Before I get healed up too much, I just leap at the bamboo before me and jab down-

Boom!

Goodbye, trees! Also, bamboo is tall. Taller than I realized, anyway…

...Yeah, I got freakin' air on that one, again. I can actually see Eientei below! So, y'know what? Before I glide, I'm just gonna like… fall.

I gotta reach the apex of my jump first, though! Which i~s… right around now.

All this wind feels so weird. Good but weird! It's windy like a hundred feet in the air…

Now the falling begins. Million Bucks makes me floaty enough for it to be slow at first, but that grace period quickly wears off and I end up plummeting to my doom at about the normally anticipated speed...

I'll just blow myself up to relieve my fall and maybe break something again as I near the ground…

Ju~st waiting, then. Accelerating, waiting…

Okay ground's getting a little close for comfort- crouch and hit shoes with hanger to counter momentum!

Boom!

I~ am going slower! Slow enough? Maybe not, let me- oh boy ground's coming up faster than I-

Thud!

Fuu~ck that ouch! Ahahah- ow ow ow! Why did I think that was a good idea!? Fuck! "Ah- nnh…" Words cannot describe. Just…

I'll describe the situation, though. So, I didn't want to land on my back, ass, or legs, because spine damage is ahahaha no. So I decided to land on like… either my arm or my side in the moment.

Yeah, you can guess what happened next. Rip arm. Goddammit. I'm not even going to look at it while it heals, but it doesn't feel good.

I feel my eyes begin to water. Good.

…Please get this over with, Seikatsu. Like, right now. I know you're healing but heal faster please.

I take short breaths, the curious, trickling sensations in my right arm sending spikes of pain through my whole body. God…

"Shh~..." Ju~st gonna lie here and hiss. Goo~d times…

A~nd that feels weird. The medi-beam's doing weird things to my busted arm, but weird things are better than pain.

Is this how Kaguya and Mokou feel every time they so much as break a limb? Jesus Christ. Respect plus a kazillion. Now I can understand them being freakin' grumpy all the time…!

Krik! My arm- "A-aah…" -clicked or something, making me release my breath awkwardly. "Ok-okay…"

...I just noticed. The sliding door to Eientei has been opening and closing repeatedly because I landed like, right on the front pad.

I grin despite the pain. "Fu-fuck…"

Oh- oah- sharp pinpricks- sharp pinpriks-... back to general throbbing. Why does this medic bot not have a fucking quick fix equipped? If she had ubercharges that woulda been swell, but I don't think I can command her to do shit.

"Sei-Seikats-su…" I half-ass her name.

"Accepting_input." Robot is robotic as ever in response.

"Ubercharge." I command her to ubercharge me!

"Unrecognized command: Ubercharge." Nope. No~ can do. Probably gotta talk to her in machine or some shit…

Take three! "Seikatsu." I feel like I'm talking to SIRI.

"Accepting_input." Yeah, sure you are…

"S V cheats underscore one." I enable cheats!

"Unrecognized directory: S V cheats." Ooh, so that's how that works? The hell're your directories, then?

...My arm is almost not in excruciating pain. I feel something going on with the leg I landed on, too, but nevermind that for now. "Seikatsu." Yeah, I'm just gonna fuck with the robot until I get better.

"Accepting_input." That's a lie and you know it…!

"Help." Help me help you!

Seikatsu actually gives a reply of sorts! "Please_confer_to:_Readme_dot_T_X_T," Cli-click. She reloaded her sound card or some shit. "Help_fifty_seven_dot_M_P_4_in_server_bank," Clil-click. Good sound drive. "and_alpha_operations_manual._Please_realize_this_is_a_test_build_and-" Cli-cli~ck. Eirin really needs to give you a sound upgrade or something, yo… "-all_details_are_subject_to_change_for_the_final_build."

Freakin'... cool. She said something about a server bank, so if I can get onto a computer I might be able to access that shit. Chances are it's got a burly password, though, but it can't hurt to try. That is, if Windows 7 even recognizes Seikatsu as a connectable device. If it does, that'd be some freakin' magic…

So, yeah. How was everyone's day? Hopefully not freakin' breakin' limbs like I am…!

After a few moments, my arm is back in movable condition! My entire right side is scuffed a bit and- ooh. That's interesting, my clothing along my right side was all like, caked to my skin. That was probably not the result of anything good.

...Articulating my arm- oh ooh, jeez. My shoulder's weird…

I blink rapidly for a moment, holding the arm really still. Next time I leap around like an asshole, freakin'... I'm doin' it without MIllion Bucks equipped. That was some shit…!

...After that, I seem to be in mostly working order.

"Jesus." I start to get up again, albeit a little awkwardly. "I'm not religious, but you are truly God's gift, Seikatsu." I know there's nothin' up in that tin can 'a yours, but yo. I am alright with indiscriminate healing machines!

I am now on my feet!

Looking around, I try to see if Ha-chan kept up. Apparently not at the moment… but knowing her, she'll find a way eventually. She's broken into the forest of mazery before, hasn't she? Stalker senses are freakin' magical.

Moving inside through the glass door, I lock eyes with… the bunny at the counter. I say 'bunny at the counter' because it is not Reisen.

It's that one cream-haired timid rabbit again. "Yo-you-uhm-are-aah…" She points at me, shaking. "Ah-are you… okay!?"

...Oo~h. She saw that whole exchange with me becoming a half-pancake, huh? No wonder she's about to shit herself.

Sliding my visor up, I walk up to the counter and lay my hands on it.

"Yo-you're all dirty…" She gestures to my camouflage kimono. How do you even- well you did see what went down… "I ca-call can- I can call master Yagokoro if you… would like…"

I don't respond at first, just givin' her a grin accented stare.

...She looks away for a moment, backing up, before looking back at me awkwardly.

"I live in constant fear that one day when I take a shit, the shit will take me instead." I preface, trying my best not to freakin' laugh... "Yeah, bring me freakin' Eirin…!"

"Wh-what…!?" I seem to have caught her off-guard, too! "Uhm-uhm… okay!" Wahaha!

She idly moves over to the landline phone on the other end of the desk. Picking up the receiver, she starts dialing some numbers, speaking them aloud. "Eight, two two, four…" She trails off and begins speaking too quietly for me to hear, though.

...Y'know, sometimes, sterile building interiors feel oddly refreshing. I guess it's just the fact I nearly died a few seconds ago, if I didn't have a non-sentient, tanky medic party member.

"Hello?" Cream bunny speaks into the phone! "...Re-Reisen? It's me, Ayuri." Aa~h. Creamie's name is Ayuri, huh? "I have someone who wants to see master Yagokoro."

...Reisen says something back that I can't hear!

"Ah, al-alright. I'll send him right away." Ayuri nods intently, despite talking over the phone. "Ha-have a good day, Reisen…"

She puts the phone down, lookin' over at me. "An… es-escort is coming to take you to master Yagokoro."

An escort, huh…

Well, at least my lingering pain will keep Seikatsu idle for awhile.

...I just stare at Ayuri, nodding smugly.

Ayuri idly gazes back. "...Uhm…" She tries to make conversation in the meantime! "Who is your friend?"

"Oh?" I glance back at Seikatsu, and smile warmly. "Oh, we go wa~y back..."

Ayuri smiles, too! "You do?"

"Yeah, yo!" It is story time! "There was this time we were like, at the bottom of the ocean…"

As I speak, Ayuri starts shifting some files about on the desk. "O-oh?" She blinks, surprised!

"Yeah! And I was drowning." I nod.

...Ayuri looks up from the files for a moment. "That's terrible. Did she save you?"

"No." Shaking my head, I look down at the counter. "No, I drowned gruesomely and she just kinda sat there."

I gesture to Seikatsu. "Also, a giant pufferfish exploded next to her and gibbed her instantly, reducing her to gears and stuff, and I couldn't put her back together."

...Ayuri paused, giving up on file sorting at the moment, before looking up at me with utter befuddlement.

...I just stare back at her with a smug smile, confident in what I just said.

"That…" She furrows her brows! "That can't be right. No, that doesn't make any sense. That can't be how it happened."

"No- for real!" I put my hands up in gesture! "Okay- I guess it was more like… I slid down this like, undersea crack, and her pathfinding couldn't find me, and my breath meter hit zero and I died."

"But-but…!" She gestures back, raising her hands into the air too! "You're here! Right now!"

I try to control my smile…! "I got better."

...She just gives me this look of befuddled frustration, her hands in the air, before shaking her head, looking back down at her files and letting her arms drop. "Sure…"

A navy-haired lunar bunny girl proceeds towards us from the nearby hall! "Hey, Ayuri."

Ayuri looks over at her. "Hi, Heyakawa-san." ...Why's the -san suffix a thing now of all times? Language hacks seem to make it not exist the majority of the time. "Here's the guy."

Heyakawa looks me over. "Cool. Come with me." She begins walking down the hall. "Catch you on break, Ayuri."

"Alright, Heyakawa-san!" Ayuri waves back eagerly!

...Hoh. For now, I shall follow Heyakawa!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Man, this Heyakawa is freakin' stoic. Seldom a word edgewise, and she was only scared of me blowing myself up to keep Seikatsu on me at first. Afterward it was like she freakin' ignored the explosions.

...Nearing her side, I bring Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber closer to her. "Ho ho."

I playfully jab it towards her, and she seems to reel her arm up really freakin' fast, but I retract the hanger before she does anything. Her arm slowly lowers...

Before it lowers completely, I jab again-

Whack!

"Agh-!?" Ow, shit…! She punched me in the cheek! Yowza! I guess I deserved that, though.

Stumbling to the side from the punch a little, I rub my cheek awkwardly. "Ahah… good."

Hayakawa just glances at me, before continuing forward.

Freakin' solid as stone.

However, our walk soon comes to an end! Stepping from the middle of the hall, Hayakawa approaches one of the closed doors. This one's a heavier door, with specific metal trim around the edges.

Bending in front of a scanner beside the burly door, Hayakawa brings her face up to what's probably an eye scanner.

The door clicks, making me look away from her!

Standing upright, the lunar rabbit walks up to the door. "Come on. Master Yagokoro is in here."

The metal door creaks as she pushes it open rather easily. I follow behind her and have to push the door so it doesn't beat me up- ho ho…! Heavier door than I anticipated…!

I manage to push past it anyway-

Cla-clack. Seikatsu just plows into the door as she follows, pushing it open with her face. Well, that's one way to do it…

Inside is a stark contrast to the wooden, Japanese styled architecture from the main halls. The hall we just entered is hexagonal in shape- wide, but kinda short. White, iridescent lights are embedded in a dotted line across the ceiling, while dimmer pastel-blue lights shine from the crevices of the hexagon's corners. The walls are parts brown and clean, white metal.

The floor beneath us is now some kinda white metal, too. Freakin', yo…!

"This place is pretty happenin'...!" I comment on the sudden upscale in architecture fanciness!

Hayakawa just continues forward, business as usual.

...I put the Bee-Sheventeen Bawmber away for now. I'll just hit myself with Million Bucks whenever I feel like making sure Seikatsu's attention span is still on the up 'n' up.

As I follow her down the hall, I also take in the 'decor' that's scattered around here or there…

Some of it's just grey crates with weird slots. There are also various tubes that hold clothing inside, most of which consist of like, business suits. Why they're in freakin' cryo tubes I'll never know…

There's also some more burly doors to the left and right sides of the hall. I don't think I'll ever see what's inside most of them.

Also holy frik this is a long hallway. It does end in a split eventually, though. We're getting there…!

Oh, Hayakawa stops. Nevermind, we're never getting there!

She turns to a burly door to our left. "Here. Go inside and don't touch anything."

I must touch everything.

...Oh, she's waiting for me to go inside. How awkward.

Shrugging, I meander towards the door…

Now, how the hell do you open this? There's no knob or handle, it's just big and grey and-

Vrr!

-slides open instantly when you approach it, apparently. Guess that's what the red arrows pointing up and down near the middle were supposed to indicate.

I meander inside, Seikatsu hovering in behind me…

Inside, the room is long and square! Similarly metal as the outside, though. There's a buncha more cryo chambers along the walls, most of them also filled with business suits. Some're out on racks this time, though.

Some of the cryo chambers have some kinda armor instead, too. That's interesting!

Walking deeper into the room, I look around… and eventually rest my eyes on the people in the middle.

Reisen's eying me, standing idly by a table.

Eirin's looking down on the table, at the things on it. Said things include gizmos and gadgets and indescribably techy nonsense. Dunno what's goin' on there!

Also, there's Marisa, for some reason. "What's that?" She points at a boxy thing with what looks like USB ports.

Eirin sighs. "Again. That is a generic mass-USB box." Oh, it really is a USB port doohickey. "It is used to connect a variable mass of applicable devices and manage them all at once with a custom USB handling and file transferring operating system. Nothing that concerns you, honestly."

...Marisa nods at that. "Yeah, got no idea the hell ya just said."

"Master…" Reisen speaks up, looking away from me. "We have a visitor."

Eirin glanced up at me. "Oh, right, him. Well, this is easier than I had anticipated…"

"Hi, world." I strut up to them. "I fell over myself to get here, yo."

Reisen suddenly turns away from me fully, facing Eirin. "You mean-... Master, you can't just-"

"It will be fine." Eirin waved her off. "Hand me cord H."

Reisen does as requested, quickly passing a cord that was near her across the table. "But, none of them know-"

"I'm pretty sure you remember the last time you doubted Kirisame's combat prowess." Eirin spoke over the bunny, while fitting the USB-ended cord into the box lined with USB ports. "I also wouldn't ever plan to use him, but since he's here, he's not entirely without use."

Wat. You talkin' ta me, yo?

Eirin glances at me as if she knew how I'd react!

"Damn straight." Marisa nods in satisfaction, pumping an arm up. "You loony moon people sure dunno how ta dodge."

Reisen gives her a dry look. "Well, you know, standard combat protocol is to not be in a situation where you have to dodge for dear life…"

"Exactly!" Marisa grins at her, folding her arms. "How're ya gonna get better at dodgin' if you just sit in yer cozy camper tower and shoot lasers at half-blind people?"

...Reisen just gives her a look. Like, halfway smile and halfway 'ya stupid bastard'. "I suppose I wouldn't, then. You'd be surprised how often sniper towers get shot at, though. There's a distinction between combat snipers and long-ranged snipers, though. You see-"

"Yes, well…" Before Reisen can get crackin' on her lecture about snipers, Eirin speaks up. "You may converse with Kirisame later, Udongein."

Freakin'... Udongein. Unfortunately, nobody here- except maybe Kaguya and Sanae- would know the fun of expanding-related memery.

Huh, I just noticed. That cryochamber a few tubes away from Eirin is half-open. Instead of armor or a business suit, there was just like a freakin'... ill-fitting space suit inside. The upper chamber half seemed to be open not to crush the helmet, but the lower door was just broken. Good.

"-and for that reason, it'd be best for you to assemble a team posthaste." Oh, shit, Eirin was talking. Provided, it was to Reisen, so I don't think I particularly needed to listen…

"But…" Reisen was ready to object! "I can just-"

"I'd rather not be so crude as to send a squad of rabbit into the open to shoot up a blatantly extraterrestrial lunar creation, in front of everyone who cares to observe. This includes you, Reisen. You are to remain away from the battlefield and command those who are on it. You may scout from afar- perhaps the manor's clocktower- but not snipe, or else you would be quickly discovered by the enemy. Our presence in any sort of resistance should be of the utmost minimal." A~nd denied. Verbosely, might I add…!

...Reisen slouched. "I suppose."

Eirin smiled, looking back down at her gizmos. "I thought you would."

Bringing her hands up, Marisa whistles into them. "Wo~w. You just got shut down, ze."

...Oh, uuh- Seikatsu starts to drift away! Quick, inflict self harm!

Reeling Million Bucks back, I hit myself in the forearm really hard!

Thunk!

...The three women present dryly turn to me.

"Fu~ck…" I cannot contain my pain, 'cause it's painful. Hahaha~ shit…

"You 'kay?" Marisa commented on my insanity. Then, she smirked, abruptly patting Reisen's back. "I know a lonely rabbit with yer name on it if yer feelin' down…!"

Reisen promptly looked back at Marisa. "I know CQC."

"I have drugs for that, you know." Eirin advertized her medicine at my expense! "Joking aside…"

Seikatsu drifted back up to me, and began healing me again.

"Ah." Eirin instantly seemed to know what was up. "And who might you be?"

...Marisa turned to Seikatsu, finally noticing her. She leapt back a little! "Holy crap! She okay!? Woa~h…!"

"I was wondering when you'd finally notice her." Reisen smugly looked away from Marisa, over at Seikatsu.

Seikatsu introduced herself! "Seikatsu_Kikai_oh_oh_oh_one. Alpha_release. Please_realize_this_is_a_test_build_and_all_details_are_subject_to_change_for_the_final-" Cli-cli~ck. She stopped awkwardly, 'cause voicebank stuff. "-build."

...Marisa nodded. "She's a freakin' robot, ze."

I reveal why I brought her here! "I was wonderin' if she was one 'a yer undetected machinations, or something." I was really curious about it, too! I risked life and limb to figure this shit out!

...I was also just really bored!

Eirin shakes her head immediately. "Not at all. Although…"

Swiftly rising from her seat- one of those uncomfortable freakin' lab chairs- she marches around the table to examine Seikatsu closer.

"I also gotta hurt myself to keep her on me, otherwise she just goes around haphazardly healing the shit outta every hurt being it encounters." I commentate further.

"Well, that eliminates the possibility of her being a lunar spy." Eirin brings her hands forward, and runs them along Seikatsu's parts. "...Its technology is eerily similar to that of lunar design, but all the techniques are different."

Crouching down, she stared at Seikatsu's anti-grav thruster things. "...These parts are all very similar, yet seemingly…" She got grabby with the anti-grav thrusters, too! "Unique. Yes, these parts are all custom-made. Where did you find this?"

"In the woods." I grin. "I was fighting a water spider with my fairy friend, but then she came along and healed everyone and kinda cockblocked the whole thing."

Marisa rolled her eyes. "Yeah- the second I leave ya, something interesting happens ta ya. Okay."

...Then, Marisa blinked! "Wait- how the hell'd you get here so fast, anyway? You can't even fly!"

Wahaha! "I fell with style!" ...Admittedly, however, without grace. My broken limbs can attest to that!

Actually, I ask Marisa the same question! "You said you were goin' to screw with Reimu and do village stuff. How'd ya get here?"

Marisa snorted. "Her." She gestures to Reisen.

...Reisen nods. "More or less. Master requested I look for an incident resolver, so I just browsed the village square for awhile."

Aa~h. So she dragged Marisa here, then…

…Honh.

Satisfied with that answer, I look back at Seikatsu.

Eirin is staring closely at the seams along the robot's stomach, between the plate that holds the maybe-skin and the rest of her torso.

Fwoa~sh...!

...Me and Marisa look back at that half-broken cryotube with the space suit in it. The glass glowed a flowy black-purple, for some reason, before returning to normal.

...Eirin didn't so much as look away from Seikatsu, and Reisen didn't react at all.

"That normal?" Marisa comments on this mystery for me!

"Mhm." Eirin hummed back.

"Pretty much." Walking around the table towards the suit's tube, Reisen elaborated. "I don't even know why we still have it. It's a really old defective model of a pure space combat suit. It doesn't so much have the combat parts, either, so it's moreso just a really bad space suit…"

"Pure space combat suit…" Marisa rubbed her chin. "As opposed to the impure space combat suits."

"Most other armored combat suits are designed for space environments, yes." Reisen acknowledges this like it were common knowledge! "This suit, however, was designed for combat in the midst of space. No ground, no ship, nothing but one's self, their suit, and probably a gun."

"Would it help with the choking to death part?" Marisa questioned. "I think danmaku in space would kick ass."

"Yeah." Reisen approaches the glass tube, putting a hand on it. The lower part was freakin' crooked for some reason, which she examined curiously. "It can do that much. Oxygen's limited, though. If we kept developing it we could've made the oxygen reserve unlimited."

...She looks back at Eirin. "Master, why do we still have this?"

"We still have some months before spring cleaning." Eirin idly answers, still manhandling Seikatsu. Abruptly, Seikatsu drifted away from her, and began meandering off…

"Hold on, yo." I gotchu, Eirin! Reeling Million Bucks back again, I wail on my arm!

Thunk!

"Ff~..." Oo~h ho ho ho… ow~.

...Seikatsu returns!

"Good for you." Eirin adjusts herself to Seikatsu's new position, and continues inspecting her.

Marisa walks up to the space suit's tube, too! "How limited we talkin'?"

...Reisen stares at her curiously for a moment, before givin' her the info. "A couple minutes at best. The current supply is only for testing."

Marisa waves the suit off, turning around and moving back towards the table. "Aa~h, bummer. I'm no good with super techy stuff, either, so I couldn't do anything with that…"

...Reisen continues to stare at her. "You say that as if I was trying to sell it to you."

"Nah, I said that like I was gonna steal it." Marisa just outright admits. "I'm not anymore, though."

Fwoa~sh! Purple magic stuff ran up the uneven glass of the tube again!

"What's that, anyway?" Marisa was still curious about it, though.

"The suit randomly casts a basic zero gravity spell in a wide radius around itself." Reisen reveals.

Marisa blinks. "...Wha- how? I mean- that's intentional, right?"

"No." Reisen grins, shaking her head.

"What." Marisa is at a loss. "How."

"I don't know." Reisen just shakes her head. "I didn't make it."

...Marisa slowly shakes her head, too. "Good suit. Now I really don't want it."

Randomly casting zero gravity sounds like fun for the whole family.

"Can I have it?" I make a claim for it!

Reisen just stares at me dryly. "Why…?"

"Du~de…" I strut towards the tube! "It's fun for the whole family."

...Shrugging, Reisen turned back to Eirin, before looking at me again. "You'll have to ask Master."

Aw~h. Thanks a lot, mom. Gotta go ask dad if I can put on the space suit…

I look over at Eirin, who's now standing upright beside Seikatsu-

"How do I get her to accept input?" Eirin immediately bombards me!

"Da~h- say her name." I inform her, before demonstrating! "Seikatsu."

"Accepting_input." Let us see if Eirin can make her accept her input…!

...Eirin pauses for a moment, before proceeding. "System help."

"Unrecognized_command: help." Seikatsu seems to have recognized the system directory, though!

"Good job." Eirin sassed the robot. "Seikatsu."

"Accepting_input." Oh, boy. Get ready for the long haul, yo…

Marisa speaks up and muddles the whole process. "So, is her having no limbs normal, o~r…?"

"Unrecognized_command: So, is her having no limbs normal, o~r…?" Seikatsu plays back Marisa's voice!

"Woah!" Marisa is awed! "She copied what I said!?"

...Eirin sighs. "Yes. Welcome to the twenty-first century, enjoy your stay."

...Marisa just gets fluffy and folds her arms. "You 'n' yer outsider years…"

"Seikatsu." Eirin tries again.

"Accepting_input." Man, is there a hotkey for voice commanding things?

"Survey accessible ports." Eirin requests.

Ho~ly shit she gets Seikatsu to do something. "Ports_two-seven-zero-five-zero… two-seven-nine-zero-zero… nine-zero-nine-nine-seven-zero."

Eirin furrows her brows. "Print names."

"Unnamed_port. Nintendo_Wi-Fi_Connection. Medical_Protocol." Wait- the fuck was that middle one?

"Print port description, all." Eirin's brow rises, too!

"Empty._Empty._Empty." Seikatsu has no port descriptions…

...Eirin's expression is dry. "Primary port, return properties."

"Port_two-seven-zero-five-zero_status:_open. Warning:_there_are_comments_in_print_directory. Proceed?"

"Yes." Eirin promptly answers.

"Forward_slash,_forward_slash,_remember_to_close_this_port_when_we_open_the-" Cli-click. "-general_interface_port. It's_only_for_testing_and_pirating_outside_games. Forward_slash-" Cli-click. "-forward_slash. Port_identity:_common. Port_traffic:_normal. Input_last_received:_July_eighth,_two_thousand_two."

Two thousand two? Christ, that was awhile ago. Maybe her date's weird. My 3DS has reset its date before…!

...Eirin nods at that. "System purpose."

"May God have mercy on man and machine, for their sins." Seikatsu plays that pre-recorded soundbite again.

...Seikatsu begins drifting away!

Eirin speaks to it with force! "System idle."

...Seikatsu sits still. Ho ho! She also stops healing me-

Clunk. Her anti-grav thrusters turned off, so she fell to the floor and onto her side. Freakin' cuddly.

Walking over to her, Eirin picks her up. "...Seikatsu."

"No_longer_accepting_input." Seikatsu apparently has a way to simply turn off the input thing without inputting anything.

"Well, she's very interesting, I'll give her that…" Eirin walks over to the table, and sets Seikatsu down on it. "I'll log onto her with a computer later. Despite all the right ports being closed, she's still very vulnerable to cyber attack, and she seems to accept input from anybody. It's fortunate few in Gensokyo are technologically capable, or know how my streamlined voice systems work. It's curious how her voice operating system is almost an exact replica of mine, however…"

Ho ho! That was indeed an interesting conclusion! Would blow my legs off and land on my arms from a few hundred feet again, ten out of ten.

...After a moment, she looks back over at me! "You wanted that defective suit, yes?"

Oo~h ho ho boy…!

...She looks back at Reisen, then at me. "Assist Reisen on her assignment, and it'll be yours."

Reisen sighs, shaking her head.

Marisa still has her arms folded. "Good. What, he gonna chuck plant hangers at whatever it is you want us to fight?"

"He could." Eirin dismissed Marisa's attitude. "I intend more for him to motivate the princess and Mokou to participate."

Reisen instantly caught something! "If you don't want me on the field, why would sending the princess out be any better? That's actually worse."

"Because, Udongein," Eirin gave her a smirk, yo. Ho ho ho…! "The princess will not be on the battlefield."

...Reisen's ears lower! "I… don't like that expression, Master."

==== FREAKIN GENSKOYO ====

Thirty minutes later, and I still dunno what the hell we're actually doin'...!

"Alright…" Eirin's sitting at the table and fiddling with the parts again. "Reisen, Marisa, I will brief you on what to do against the machine." We're fighting a machine…! "Brad, go get Mokou, and only Mokou. I will brief you on what to do later. Also, bring the princess these."

Eirin lays a game case on the table, a weird-looking console, and a controller I've never seen before…

"Alright, yo…" I pick up the game stuffs. "Any other requests, yo?"

"Not particularly. If you find anyone who may help on the way, you may recruit them, so long as they aren't one of our lunar or earthen rabbits, or the princess." Eirin instructs me. Y'know, as opposed to the non-earth or moon rabbits. "Now, hurry along."

"Aye aye, captain doctor surgeon general!" Turning around, I proceed out!

The sliding door opens for me, and I exit out into the sterile metal hallway…

I'm a man on a mission, yo. Can't wait to recruit me some Neptunian hares.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I am now outside Kaguya's room with her brand new Eirintendo Switch!

Knock knock.

"Wha~t?" Kaguya drawls out from inside.

"Special delivery from the noob patrol!" I yell inside! "Open up!"

"I'm bu~sy…" She drawls back not as loud as before. Then, I hear her get up…

The door opens!

"Happy birthday Kawanzamas!" I hold up her brand new LunarStation Four! "You're the thousandth visitor to our website! Click to receive your free viruses!"

...She just furrows her brows at me as she stands in the doorframe. "What?"

"I bring gifts." I summarize.

...She stares down at the console dryly. She was not prepared for this turn of events! "...Why?"

I give her a faux knowing grin. "'Cause it's your birthday, silly billy!"

...Blinking a couple times, she replies. "If this is you coming onto me, then don't even."

Pfft. Yeah, sixty chapters in and I set my sights on you now. "Freakin'- shit's from Eirin, yo!"

"Fucking- why didn't you just say so?" She recedes into the room! "Come on in."

I walk into her room! Immediately I'm reminded of my room back at home, because there's a lot of shit everywhere. Except Kaguya's room's bigger, so it can actually handle it…!

Actually- her bedroom's a different room entirely, innit? It's this little room connected to this one. Freakin'... a day in the life of a lunar princess, yo.

Her computer desk is crowded with half-eaten, opened snack packs, tissues, and a general assortment of clutter and bullshit.

"Set the stuff on the couch." She gestures to the couch as she passes it with a lazy wave…

Said couch has a structure of stacked game cases on one cushion, and a huge pile of tangled wires on the other. The middle cushion is slowly getting impeded upon by the two piles…

...I set Eirin's console down in the middle carefully, taking care to make sure the two piles don't freakin' consume it behind my back or something.

"So, why's Eirin running you up here to get me my stuff?" Kaguya sits down at her computer chair again, spinning it around to look at me. "Last time she assigned me a suitor to keep me company, I accidentally crushed him with the couch. So if she assigned you to me for that reason, look for a new job."

"Nah, we're gonna be fighting a robot or something and she wanted me to give you that console beforehand." I reveal. Touchy about courting today, isn't she? Oh well. "It's a Noontondo Witch."

...Kaguya blinks. "Really?"

I shake my head. "I got no fucking idea what console this is."

Rolling her eyes, she gets up. "Fucking…"

Moving away from the couch, I let her move up to the console and stuff to examine it.

As she moves, she berates me further! "What kind of gamer are you if you can't tell what fucking console it is by just looking at it?"

"A tiny one." I am smug.

...She looks over the console herself.

"What the fuck." Picking it up, she flips it over a few times. "What…?"

"What kind of gamer are you if you can't tell what the console is by looking at it?" I parot.

"Shut the fuck up." Kaguya grins. "Seriously, what is this? And…"

Leaning over the couch again, she notices the game. "Halo? She got me Halo again? For this fucking…" Looking away from it, she runs her eyes over the console one more time. "I never even asked for this! Whatever…"

...Setting it aside, she gleams at the controller, too! "...Um?" Picking it up, she holds it up. "It looks like a fucking bagel."

Yeah. It's round, has a hole in the middle, and-

After pressing a few underside buttons on it, it starts to shift and change shape! Pushing and pulling on various parts, Kaguya smoothly changes it into an N64 controller.

...She looks at a loss for words.

"Well!" I turn around! "I'm just gonna get goin' now, yo…!"

"Tell Eirin to stop buying from a fucking parallel universe." Kaguya slowly sets the N64 controller down on the sofa… "Oh, yeah. Tell her I need another truckload of Mountain Dew, too. The cache from that one warehouse ran out because the rabbits kept screwing with it."

"I'll pass it along!" I wave at her! "Oh, yeah. Do ya know where Mokou is?"

"Probably being a whore." Kaguya struts towards her computer again. "'Cause she is."

...I'll take that as a no!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

"She should be this way…" Reisen moves through the bamboo ahead easily.

I freakin' had to like, tackle my way through the bamboo! I'm gettin' bushwhacked from all directions here…!

My original plan was to just meander about in the woods until I found Mokou, but after opening this idea to peer review, everyone met me with a resounding 'please don't do that' and here we are…!

We approached Mokou's food stand thing!

...Oh, nevermind, Reisen pulled a vanishing act the moment I got through the brush, too. Freakin'...

Stumbling out of the dense bamboo into the clearing, I approach Mokou…

She looks up at me! "Oh, hey. What the hell are you wearing."

"Hello, friend." I strut towards the stand… "How's business, yo?" Lemme just ignore the question about my attire…!

"Slow." She's got her hands in her pockets… "It's cold out, and this forest isn't always the best place for business. That, and those living wiffle dusters with sniper powers are getting on my nerves."

"Wanna take your aggression out on a giant robot?" I give her the job! "Me, you, a bunny commander, Marisa Kirisame on asshole duty, and Kaguya has something to do with it."

Mokou rolled her eyes. "Don't feel like it."

Awwh. "Kaguya also said you were out being a whore."

"Ah, fuck it." Mokou walks out from around the counter! "No one's coming anyway, so I might as well. Just so I can punch her in the face."

Thatta girl! "Alright yo, let's go get briefed!" I begin to move!

"On?" She asks me a question, yo…

...I pause. "I dunno. Somethin' about fighting robots, maybe enemy lunar people. I-"

"And it's necessary for you to be wearing that." She jabs at my freakin' rainbow pimp gear attire. Yo ho ho…

"One hundred percent ice resistance, son." I counter, giving her a toothy grin. "I'm rich!"

She snorts. "Oka~y. How often does that come in handy for you?"

Often enough, yo. "I get to cuddle with yuki-onna."

She stares at the bamboo ahead as we begin moving. "Congratulations." Wahaha!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I almost tried to arrange another escort 'cause I wasn't paying attention to where the briefing room would be, but Mokou somehow knew the way.

...Turning to her as we near the door, I point this out! "So, uh, how'd ya know where ta go?"

"I know this place like the back of my hand." Mokou explains simply. She presses her arm into the burly door, pushing it open easily. "C'mon."

Following behind her closely- 'cause I don't wanna get beat up by that door again yo- I let myself lag behind her a little bit once we enter…

"Which room? If you can't remember from here, you're brain damaged." Mokou dryly looks to me for where to go…!

It was like, the fourth door down. "I know where ta go, yo."

"Cool." Mokou slips her hands into her pockets, allowing me to press ahead.

As I move, I glance around at the other doors and cryotubes and things again. Hoh…

Eventually, we reach the fourth door down, and I step up to it-

Vrr! The door slides open, the top and bottom halves receding into the ceiling and floor respectively.

Inside, Reisen and Marisa are standing over the table idly. Seikatsu and the other gizmos were moved to a side table, the main table now having a big map on it. I like maps…!

"Oh, good." Eirin notices me across the long room instantly. "I see you had no problem making contact with Fujiwara."

"Where's Kaguya?" Mokou gets straight down to business!

"She'll be here shortly." Eirin waves her off. She will? "For now, however, I will brief you and Brad on your-"

"Where is Kaguya?" Mokou senses she's being bullshitted! "I didn't exactly come here to do your chores for you."

...Eirin just gives her a flat stare. "Genuinely. Well, if you really want to know, she's on her way. I've also observed you two playing those… cooperative video games as of late, and-"

"The hell's that have to do with anything?" Mokou advances towards her!

Marisa snorts, but didn't contribute, grinning from the sidelines.

Reisen just looks idle. I dunno how else to describe it, yo…

"Simply put, I've taken that into account for today's battle strategy." Eirin explains a little. "You will also be compensated for your time today."

...Mokou folds her arms, listening. "Like what? Cash?"

"If you desired." Nodding compromisingly, Eirin continues. "I was thinking something along the lines of giving you a new toy."

"I'll take the cash, thanks." Mokou was not in the mood for mystery prizes.

"...You'll have a selection after the mission is over." Eirin seemed to want to give her the mystery prize, for some reason. "In any case…"

Standing up from her seat, she loomed over the map.

Mokou and myself approached, gazing over the map's details ourselves.

It was of the Misty Lake, and only that. The mansion itself didn't seem to be included in the map's geography, but the Hakurei Shrine was barely seen on one of the far edges of it. By 'shown', I mean there was just a square labeled 'Hakurei Shrine' surrounded by a buncha lines that represented geographic depth. That means freakin' height stuff!

"You will be fighting against a lunar surveillance device." Eirin says this as if it means something. "Its purpose is to gauge variables in the local natural properties Gensokyo has, and it means to do so through fairies. Your objectives are to destroy this device, the monitoring equipment onsite, and incapacitate any lunar scout or researchers still present. Security, interns, and assistants are non-priorities and may be allowed retreat."

"So…" Mokou looks bored. "We're just smashin' shit? Why cant ya just send your rabbits?"

"Our presence must be concealed. This must look as if it's only an act of Gensokyo's inhabitants." Eirin states the reason she got a bunch of misfits together! Leaning forward, she taps where the Scarlet Devil Mansion would normally be. She's still maintaining eye contact with us as she does this, somehow. "Reisen will be stationed on the nearby manor to offer radio support."

"I'll be with you guys kickin' some ass!" Marisa interjects with a smile! "You'll pretty much be with me, Mokou-buddy."

...Glancing at her, Mokou nods in response, apparently not opposed to this idea. Ho ho.

"Brad will be support." Eirin gives me my class! "Reisen, give him the device." Aw, dude! I'm gettin' the device!

I look over at Reisen, my eyes meeting hers. She gives me a wide smile as she raises something from under the table…

Ooh! It's a… oversized squirt gun. It's freakin' long, too. Orange, lime green, and red parts make up its plastic exterior. How'd I not notice something so bright before? It's practically glowing. It's like someone slid the bloom effect slider to freakin' maximum overdrive!

"Here you go!" Reisen hands it over with an uncharacteristic amount of pep, practically posing for me as she handed it over.

"Don't mind if I do…!" Grinning, I take the big squirt gun!

"It's powered externally…" Reisen breathes out, still leaning over… seductively? "Once its purpose is fulfilled, you can throw it away…"

Is- is she…

I blink, and suddenly Reisen's position changes entirely. Now she's a foot to the left, idly staring back at me as I stare to the right where she was previously.

Wat.

...Marisa just looks around 'innocently'. You know, with the whole 'nodding reassuringly as she gives the surroundings a sardonic face' thing. Mokou gives me a dry stare, and Eirin seems to be waiting for me to do something.

Freakin'- what'm I supposed to do…? I shrug. "S'a big squirt gun, yo…!"

At my response, Eirin briefly smiles at me. "Reisen will instruct you on how and when to use it over radio. Once its purpose is fulfilled, you may engage further at your leisure. Do try to avoid dying, however."

I snort. "I'll try, yo, I'll try."

"As for you, Mokou…" Eirin then looks up at Mokou blankly. "You and Kaguya will be engaging directly, along with Marisa."

Mokou blinks, still looking droll about the scenario. "...I thought moon people couldn't fight moon people, though. That's why you brought me and these chucklefucks here in the first place."

Eirin smirks, yo… "Do not worry. Kaguya's presence will not jeopardize the mission, I have made sure of it."

...Mokou rolls her eyes. "Fine. At least there are witnesses here, so you can't just rob me blind. Like you've done before."

"That's different." Eirin casually dismisses her previous treachery. "Your assignment begins now. All of you, rendezvous at Eientei's front door; Kaguya will be there."

"Woohoo!" Marisa hops onto her broom! "Last one to the door's a rotten egg, ze!"

"Should've just told me that to begin with." Mokou marches off, trailing behind Marisa.

"I'll catch up with you." Reisen stays put, giving us a small smile. "I have some equipment I need to grab."

Koo, koo, koo. "Alright, yo." I begin to trail after the rabble rousers. Our team's a buncha brawlers, aren't we? Well, I consider myself one by the freakin' loosest definition of the word…! If I had Marisa's crap, I'd basically be Marisa. 'Cept I'm a dude!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

"What're we fighting, anyway?" Mokou wonders idly as we march down the clinic halls. Well, Marisa's floating, but you get the picture… "Moon camera robot doesn't really paint me a picture, unless we really are just breaking their stupid crap."

"From what she told me, it floats." Marisa nods confidently! "...Oh- yeah, it also has a fairy inside 'a it, and it's pretty damn big."

Mokou snorts. "Yeah, that helps." ...Judging by her tone, I don't think that helped…

"Like, as big as yer little hidey hole." Marisa takes a jab at Mokou's living conditions.

"So it's an easy target, then." Mokou concludes. "Good."

At first, Marisa seems unsure of that conclusion. After a moment, she nods anyway! "Yeah, probably!"

We reach the front lobby. Reisen is somehow here before us. She's got a pair of white and blue super goggle things on her forehead now, and her hand's full of these tiny earbud things…

"Here's the radios." She holds them up. "They also normalize your audio intake, so loud noises won't damage your ears. We'll be able to hear each other from any distance."

Mokou stares at hers dryly as Reisen hands it to her. "...How kind."

Marisa snags hers, and I snag mine! They're just a single bud, so I dunno how volume reduction even works…

Putting it in, I instantly hear a voice.

It's Kaguya! "Fucking- is anyone even online right now? Hello~?" I dunno where her voice is even coming from, but it's fun.

I speak! "Nope. You're alone, yo."

"Where the hell are you?" Mokou instantly gets down to business! "I want to snap your spine in half."

"...The hell?" Kaguya sounds surprised. "Did Eirin give you two one of these, too?"

"Earpiece things? Yeah." Mokou looks around, trying to find the princess… "Seriously, where are you?"

"I'm still in the first room, doing the tutorial shit." Kaguya speaks as if she were playing a game. Uh…? "...Oh, nevermind, it gives you an option to skip it, now. That's actually cool."

"The fuck're you talking about…?" Furrowing her brows, Mokou wanders forward into the lobby more. "I'm in the front lobby. Your mom said you'd be here." Pfft.

Fwoa~m… something made a noise!

I glance over at Marisa, who is just passively observing the scene with a grin.

"Where the hell…?" Kaguya sounds confused. Help, no. "This isn't-..."

...A door swings open just down the hall from the main lobby.

From it, a suit of armor walks out. The shiny metal that comprised it was a dull green, and the glass part of the head visor was orange, completely opaque but really shiny.

That looks like freakin' Master Chief from Halo...!

"...Oh, what the fuck." The armor jankily turns left and right, aiming its weird looking ballistic rifle forward as it turns its entire body to look around. "No wonder this shit took an hour to boot up."

Mokou just blinks at the armor.

Marisa grins. "Nice armor, Kaguya~. Betcha won't break a nail today!"

The suit of armor walks forward-

Clank, clank, clank. Thing's freakin' loud. Every footstep is like a stomp!

"I'm not even in it…" Kaguya reveals.

Mokou elaborates on what she means! "You're in your room controlling that piece of shit, aren't you?"

"Yeah!" Kaguya laughs over the microphone! "Holy crap. Forget what I said- Eirin can keep buying from parallel universes as much as she wants!"

Mokou just shakes her head, scowling. "You would do this. Fighting in person beneath you now, bitch?"

"Sure." Kaguya brushes off her insult. "Also, I get to do this."

Abruptly, not-Master Chief stepped forward, progressing towards Mokou. Then, it elbowed her-

Whack! Woah, that was loud!

"Engh…!" Mokou stumbles back, gritting her teeth as the suit plowed into her. "Damn it!"

"Hey, hey!" Reisen yells! "Easy! I-I mean- I don't mean to tell you what to do, princess, but-"

"I getcha, I getcha." Kaguya audibly waves off Reisen's concern. "No friendly fire, yeah."

...Mokou reels her arm back, and hits the armor-

Fwim. An orange wireframe of energy is revealed running across the armor's surface, intercepting Mokou's punch.

"Seriously…" Taking a glance down at her hand, Mokou waves off the electrical energy that began running over it. "When we're done with this bullshit, we should take turns fighting it."

"Yeah, no." Kaguya refuses. "I'm not gonna try to fucking fist fight Master Chief, even if you're the moron controlling him."

Mokou jerks her head back. "Bitch, I-"

"We have a job." Reisen reminds everyone. "We have to get moving."

...The immortals are silent.

Looking out the front door- ooh, it's night now! That's gonna be a fun time…

"And stop their bonding time?" Marisa drifts up next to Reisen…! "Aww~."

...Giving Marisa a dry glance, Reisen presses ahead towards the front doors.

"Shut up." Mokou casually follows Reisen. "She's right. We should just get this over with."

It's mission time, son.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

END OF CHAPTER 60

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Fairy Slayer, Accidental Human Slayer, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Village Liberator, Eientei Crucible, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine, Sky Climber, Amateur Espionage Practitioner, Illegal Fairy Harborer, Conscientious Party Member, Winter Warrior, Holder of Too Many Titles.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Tundra Bloomer - A earth-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock; has a flower curved around the hilt. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. Allows casting of Gaia Seed. Casts Tundra, a weak spike of ice!

INVENTORY:

[Bag of Holding] - A small bag that always seems to be conveniently unaffected by whatever weird crap happens to me. Never enlarges, almost always gives me what I need if I remember it's there. Infinite inventory space. I would like to know where it actually puts all my stuff though…

Swordbreaker - Dark elemental plant hanger. Boosts the power of dark skills. Has a curvy, fancy design that lets it easily counter swords! It better, with a name like 'Swordbreaker'. Provides a weak but passive boost to defense, magical defense, and evade. Lowers the attack of foes as its on-impact effect.

Youkai Inconveniencer - A holy plant hanger, which works as a flail 'cause of the cross necklaces attached to it! May cast Flash, an attack that blinds; works best on darkness elementals and youkai. Acts as a flashlight via candles. Converted to a flail with cross necklaces! Can cast Shine.

Fairy Harp - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can cast Gust. By the addition of a steel block, its attack and magic attack increased slightly. Sparkles in the light due to fairy dust, able to reduce the accuracy of weak, biological enemies by irritating their senses with the dust. Can play beautiful, flat-tone musi~c!

Flame Salvo - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Boosts the power of fire skills. Ignites stuff on impact. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Has a flamethrower nozzle, allowing the user to cast Flamethrower Plus! Allows the user to cast Fume.

Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.

Deep Blue - A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Can produce limitless fresh water. Boosts the power of water skills. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Sharper Than Darkness - A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon style; physical attack increased, physical defense lowered. User bleeds out faster. Can cast Revenge, an attack that increases in power the lower the user's health is. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to let it cut!

Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.

Million Bucks - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger, from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion. It's a gift from Flandre Scarlet! Has an obsolete map of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Lowers defense slightly. With added electric and holy charms, the hanger is slightly electric and holy elemental. Is able to fluidly chain attacks for stringing together longer aerial and ground combos. Allows the user to fluidly transition from combo to jumping. Allows forced aerial combo support. Grants the user the ability to air slide. Increased jump height when running. Gives motion sickness with avid use!

Market Gardener - Critical hits during blast jumps! Otherwise, it's just a normal, old plant hanger. Named after a very similar shovel…!

NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please. Unless you're surrounded by fairies who don't know the difference- but y'know- that opportunity's a freakin' million to one.

NERF longsword - 'CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals'… you know what that means! Maybe one day this will actually come in handy...

Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! Seventy-five percent time resistance on equip. Voice, face, and height specifications not included!

Monk Robes - Wear to become a Buddhist! Actually pretty comfy…!

Butterfly Dream Pills - Makes you dream of being a beautiful butterfly!... now, if only there was a pill for lucid or wet dreams, and then I'd consider Yagokoro the doctor to end all doctors!

Remilia Scarlet's Mob Cap - Twenty five percent dark resistance. Lets me be a Touhou, too!

Camouflage Kimono - This kimono means business, son. One hundred percent ice resistance, and as such renders me immune to all magical ice damage. Dunno 'bout icicles and stuff, though. Fifty percent freeze resistance… not that freezing will hurt me with this thing on. Fifty percent dark resistance. Negative fifty percent fire and burning resistance. Hopefully hides me a bit when navigating in the freakin' brush...

Yellow Racecar Helmet - It's like a really knockoff space marine helmet! Fifty percent sun resistance, one hundred percent freezing and blinding resistance. Also gives immunity to electrical stunning. It feels like it's got good physical defense, too… at least for my head.

Fifty two thousand, two hundred Yen - ...Yeah, just in a bag. It's about time I documented how much freakin' money I have!

Seven Health Potions - They give you youkai-like regen for like, thirty seconds! No chuggin' these babies to indefinitely survive the cold reaches of outer space. Unless the regen outdoes the asphyxiation, but I think I'd rather die by that point…

Four Mana Potions - Restores an average amount of mana, I think. More than enough for someone like me!

Five Panaceas - Cures all status effects. I dunno if it works on debuffs, though...

WebDings Book about Foreign Juices - Wahaha! This better fetch a price on the market!

Dark Stone - I dunno what it is, but it looks cool. Probably something I can slap to one of my dark weapons!

Enchanted Icicle - I gotta make this melting resistant, soon! It's enchanted to glow in the dark…!

Akihito's Broadsword - Too big for me to use as a weapon. I wonder if I could use it as like, a tent stake or something.

Really Big Squirt Gun - Why'd Reisen give me this? It's surprisingly light, but stupid long. Is it like, a sniper soaker? I don't get it… but it's cool!

PARTY:

London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks, both the magical and physical variety. Has lance, can shoot danmaku. Variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly. I really have to remember to use her, at some point!

PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. London shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.

==o==

Marisa Kirisame, the Ordinary Magician - Duke Nukem, except as a cute western magician girl! Expert caster of non-elemental magic, as well as a freakin' demolitionist. Rides around on her broom super fast and shells people with lasers.

WEAPON: Mini-hakkero - The device with which she channels her mana! Powerful amplification capabilities, too, apparently…!

INVENTORY: I got no idea.

==o==

Kaguya Houraisan, by proxy of Not Master Chief, the Remote Controlled Armor - Freakin'... it's Master Chief, basically, except it moves one hundred percent like a player only. Comes with ballistic guns and grenades. Fifty percent fire, ice, electricity, and bomb resistant. Likely instant death immune 'cause it's a machine.

WEAPON: Ballistic Rifle - Has magnificent ammo capacity, but like no accuracy. Have fun!

INVENTORY:

Some Frag Grenades - How many, I dunno. You'd think they'd do bomb elemental damage. The hell kinda element is bomb, anyway…?

A Pistol - Trusty overpowered sidearm!

Energy Shield Capacitors - Basically, the energy shield. No resistances, but is negative one hundred percent electric resistant. Regenerates when broken, if given a few moments. Also regenerates when not taking damage!

==o==

Fujiwara no Mokou, the Crimson Watchguard - Casual fire-controlling immortal. Immune to instant death attacks…? Revives when killed, proportional to how badly killed- to a limit, anyway. Immune to fire magic.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Fire Magic - Fists and flames!

INVENTORY:

Unknown - Woah no.

==o==

Reisen Udongein Inaba, the Lunatic Moon Rabbit - Moon bunny! She's pretty cute. Probably moon resistant for obvious reasons. Her eyes can make you go insane… literally, like, schizophrenia-tier insanity. She seems to have control over it, too…

PRIMARY WEAPON: That's a big sniper rifle…!

INVENTORY: I don't actually have any idea...

==o==

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

hello world

we are indeed starting a specific-ish quest of sorts! although it's not gonna be long so oof

it also has tangible rewards, yo

and as you can see we're about to have a big bum battle of sorts which i've kinda been anticipating (and alluding to, HOO HOO HOO) in a couple recent chapters

got some scenes and stuffs i wanna write! ho ho!

remote controlled master chief is fun but probably not something that will make an overwhelming difference later, just something that came to mind that would be FUN

moar criticism pls and thank you

as always, see you all next time!