(in which we stumble and mumble)

Aa~h.

This wake up's rather slow 'n' stiff. What, did I go to sleep in a freakin' trash compactor…?

I look to my left, and see Genkan next to me.

"This bed is tiny." She complains, before shifting a little, staring at me with an unclear but droll expression. "I keep slipping…"

Woah. What the fuck did I do last night?

Looking to my right, I see Ha-chan next to me, snoozin'.

Oh, right. I took a nap, 'cause it was cold, and wet, and sad. I wonder if it's still cold and wet and sad...

"Ho~h…" Despite my stiffness and how awkward sleeping in all the cloth possible feels, this actually… feels really good. I think it's 'cause of Genkan's molestation magic bullshit… that, and her breasts are close to me- alright up and at 'em...

I try to sit up, but my arm's somewhere amongst Genkan, and my other arm's pretty much just under Ha-chan entirely.

Whelp. Nnn. Am stuck. Maybe I should just… nap again.

...The door to the room creaks open, and Sekibanki pops in. She almost turns around and leaves, but she sees me lift my head to look at her.

"Oh." She stares at me idly. Aw, hello…

"Yo." I greet her. I'd ask her if she wants to jump in, but I don't wanna try my luck…!

"Some guards came by earlier." Seki informed me bluntly. "...Different ones, and they felt awkward walking in on sleeping people. They left pretty quickly."

Huh. Went better than anticipated...

...Still trapped!

Facing Genkan, I give her a helpless smile. Maybe if I focus on her hard enough, my intent will be expressed…!

...She notices my stare. Only after a moment does she comment, though. "I suppose there is something to be said about embracing another. Clunky and suffocating."

I snort. "The cold actually makes it a lot more bearable. S'like I'm under just the right amount 'a blankets…" I wouldn't mind spending the rest of the day like this. My limbs'll probably get tired of bein' freakin' squished though...

Genkan's eyebrows rose. "This can be even more suffocating?"

...Y'know. "Aren't you the person who hugs people to death for a living?"

"That's different." She states plainly. "I feed off their warmth. It relaxes me, it makes me feel good. Being assaulted by my own clothes and these cloth blankets is a different matter."

...I wonder. She probably doesn't feel the cold she emanates from herself, does she? Since her body temperature is naturally stupid low, everything warmer than her must feel… weird, including air temperatures until she's cooled them. Man, thermodynamics combined with RPG mechanics and supernatural biology is some weird shit!

"What is it like to emanate heat?" Her thoughts're similar, but in a different direction! "...Although, I suppose you wouldn't know, as you don't seem to do it on a regular basis."

"...I got no idea how to express it." I admit. "How do ya teach a blind person colors?"

"...Hmm." At that, Genkan drops it. "It's different, but… I suppose it wouldn't be easy to articulate."

I'd have to describe from her point of view what it'd be like to have my level of heat… and that's just a few too many levels of meta thinking, son! I wasn't built fer that shit!

"Maa~u…" Ha-chan's wakin' up!

Sekibanki steps back into the room. I didn't notice her slip out earlier 'cause I was chattin' up Genkan. "You were out for only a couple hours, by the way."

Yeah, considering how much of a freakin' pile we are, that'd figure. This would probably be better if we were naked, but outside of the fact I'd probably take forever to get to sleep, without my clothes on Genkan'd freakin' give me a cold or somethin'...

Stepping over to the corner of the room, Sekibanki takes a brown blanket off of London. Oh, shit, I forgot I left 'er there! Hu~h. Musta been how she kept the guards from eatin' shit when they stopped by.

Sekibanki trots over to us, and splays the blanket over the blanket already on us. "By the way, get out of my house. I wanna nap, too."

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

...I'm in monk robes, Ha-chan's got a blanket over her like a shady ass cloak, and Genkan's still in her red kimono. We're… less conspicuous? Maybe? Hey man, if we ain't youkai, it don't matter what kinda fucked up shit we're into!

We're in the dreary streets, now. Guards are stationed every so often in pairs of two along the sides of the road, although with the current sum 'a civilians on the streets, my unorthodox-but-not-out-of-place party doesn't get much more than passin' glances…

"Why do they ignore us now?" Genkan speaks to me as we pass down the road… "We're more suspicious than before. You've dressed your fairy up rather blatantly like a criminal."

I pat my monk robes. "I 'unno. I guess a monk and a kimono chick even it out. I doubt any 'a them wanna beef with the temple guys right now, either." Freakin' village, yo.

"What kind of verb is 'beef'?" Genkan questions my turn of phrase! Aaa~h!

I grin at her. "The good kind, yo…!"

Anyway, we're heading towards the Kirisame drug- I mean healing item store! I still got some spare cash, and I kinda feel like seeing if there're some good potions to spend 'em on. I mean, I still got plenty 'a basic ones, but maybe a Mega Potion and some whacky souvenirs might be nice…

That, and he might know something about this guard situation. Like no seriously, what the fuck is this place's political situation? I may not get in on the imminent skullfucking that will befall the new commando man, but I do wanna kinda know what's going down at this point…

Especially since I don't plan on goin' back home, and this is the only place that has less than a fifty percent chance to maul me!

After some treadin' down a main road, we reach the Kirisame shop…

"Let's head there, yo." I point over at it. "It's a fun place."

Genkan raises a brow. "Why? I want to leave this place as soon as possible."

Woah, really? I mean, I guess that'd figure, but for some reason that caught me off guard. Enh.

"...It's got knick knacks and paddy whacks." I justify my decision... "Souvenirs and cheap trinkets, yo."

"...I see." She's not unopposed!

...Ha-chan looks very smug inside of her shady cloak, for some reason. Y'know, It's probably a lot warmer than goin' without, if only 'cause it regulates how much cold air molests ya. I say this because it's a really cheap blanket, and you wouldn't think it helps…

After pacing down the road enough, we reach the Kirisame magic shop.

Di-di~ng! The door's bell dings and stuff when I open it!

...Inside, Kirisame looks at my approaching party, before grinning. "You plannin' a birthday party?"

"We're starting a war with ancient egyptians." I reply truthfully. "...We came to window shop, yo."

He snorts. "A'right. Just, uh…" He looks over at my cloaked fairy friend. "Who's he?"

...I turn to Ha-chan. "Unveil, friend."

Ha-chan takes her cloak off in one fell swoop and spreads her wings. "I'm a fairy, now!" Wahaha!

...Kirisame just blinks at her, before nodding it off. "For a second there, I thought y'brought in a filthy bum. The shit ya gotta do to get around the village these days, right?"

I kno~w… and speakin' of that… "What's goin' on with the guards, anyway?"

...Ha-chan starts to meander into the shelves behind me, and Genkan idly turns to follow her.

"They got anotha' guy." Kirisame grinned widely. "...I don't even know who. Just anotha' guy!"

Anotha' guy. Last guy died? Oh- whelp, just, anotha' guy. Throw in anotha' guy.

"That's… great." I nod in acknowledgement… Oh, that reminds me. "Yo, you got any Mega Potions?" How much did they cost again?

He shrugs, giving me a big grin. "Fre~sh out."

How in the nine fucks do you sell out of Mega Potions. "...Wat. How?"

"Some weirdo came in the other day and bought out the whole stock." Kirisame was super smug. "Looked like a guard, though."

Huh. "...Is it the new guy?"

Kirisame rolls his eyes. "Pfft. Yeah, like they'd hire a guy who does things himself. Pro'lly not."

...Aa~h.

"Ooo~!" ...Ha-chan's voice comes from the shelves, somewhere.

"...I would not recommend touching that." Genkan's got my back, yo. "It looks improper." What?

...Curious, I meander down the store's dimly lit shelves after them.

Genkan seems to have picked up some white and blue paper fans, befitting of her appearance although not the kimono she's got on as of this moment. Ha-chan's looking at a-...

"It's rubbery, though." She waves the toy around. "It looks fun."

"...I suppose." Genkan looks away, then notices me. "Ah."

Kirisame, why do you stock dildos. And don'cha dare tell me they're magic missiles…!

Unfurling a fan, Genkan holds it before her face. "...You may want to put that down." She advises Ha-chan.

She just blinks in response. "Why?"

...Steppin' up to her, I take the dildo out of her hands and place it on the shelf. "No, yo."

"But why…?" She's still confused!

I answer her question…! "It's a vagina smashing device."

...Ha-chan looks down at herself, before bringing her legs together. "I don't wanna get smashed…"

...Genkan's just becoming progressively more baffled looking!

Someone walks up to us! Noticing what we're doin', they instantly turn away. "Oh- sorry sorry, I didn't know you were looking at- I'll be going…"

I turn to look at the person who came up ta us. She's a girl with short, cream-colored hair.

"Nah, yo, it's cool!" I call out to her! "We were just considering shoving a missile up my ass."

...She looks over at me with an expression similar to Genkan's. It's a score attack kinda day, son!

Wait, hold up.

...I've seen her before. Yeah.

"You~..." I point at her. "You ran that bar next to the Golden Grin, didn'cha? Me and the freakin'... yama visited ya." She sold buckets with fluffles in them. They were wet, and dusty...

She recoils slightly, before settling for lookin' awkward. "Oh- aah… yeah. Um…" Looking away, she seems to shrink back. Then, she retreats. Aw…

...Looking back at Genkan, I see she looks unimpressed.

...I shrug at he~r?

"Elegant conversation." Genkan reveals the topic!

With a snort, I start to make towards the front 'a the store again. "Yeah, yo. Master 'a words. People need to know, yo, my ass is a missile-free zone."

Genkan snorts. "Just… I see." She wanted to reply yo, but she couldn't! Wahaha!

...Gettin' to the front of the store, I see her lag behind me, before she moves to pull Ha-chan from marchin' deeper into the shelves…

Ex-bartender girl was now behind the counter with Kirisame, chattin'. Ooh, she works here?

"...I know you can't pay me." She looks down at the counter, before locking eyes with him again.

"Ah, those ol' farts can suck it." Kirisame speaks ill of his own kind…! "You're a nice kid. Ain't no reason they should be on ya like they are." Looking down, he reaches into his pockets...

She gives him a sedate smile. "It's okay. You don't really need to give me anything. I couldn't keep it anyway. They'd just wind up getting two of my paycheck..."

...Glancing back up, Kirisame smiles at her. "Well…" Turning away from her, he holds out a small pouch of money towards her with his arm. "No one'll bat an eye if the money goes missin', right? Those ol' wind bags certainly won't."

...The girl blinks at him. "Whah…? Mister Ki-Kirisame, I can't-"

"Ohp- oh there it goes!" Kirisame drops the money on the counter next to her. "Aw~ darn. I wonder where I could've put my money…" He pretends to search the opposite end of the counter, grinning widely.

...After a brief moment, she takes the money and pockets it quickly.

...Turning back towards her, Kirisame scratches his head. "Guess I lost it, huh?"

"Lost what?" She smiles back at him.

"Hah!" Nodding, he goes back to standing at the desk regularly. "Atta girl."

...Once she looks away, she seems to deflate again, her expression defaulting to a focused one.

Kirisame looks over at me, and she does too. The girl locks up. "Um- mister Kirisame, he-"

"Ah, he don't care none." Kirisame waves off what I just witnessed. "Guy ain't even in the village half the time. Don't let those monk robes fool ya, he comes in in a different outfit every time."

...The girl blinks at me. "Huh."

"Yeah, yo." Can confirm! "Professional stuff doer, 'cept I don't do stuff!"

...Genkan floats out from the shelves, holding Ha-chan by the arms.

Ha-chan had a buncha metal triangles around her right arm, for some reason. "Aww~..."

Neither the girl nor Kirisame bat an eye at my company. Cool yo, cool.

"So…" I place my arms on the desk. "Yer outta Mega Potions. Got any Panaceas?"

Kirisame furrows his brows. "...I could make some. I don't usually stock any 'cause y'know, who gives a shit about curing their status? Answer should be 'everyone', answer turns out ta be 'no one'. Who'd 'a thunk it?"

Aw, good.

The girl stares at me curiously. "...What do you need Mega Potions and Panaceas for?"

"The war." I tell her, lifting an arm and flexing my non-existent muscle. "Livin' life means fightin' wa~r!"

...She speculates! "You're one of those youkai hunters the village hires, right?"

I shake my head. "Nah, yo, just a freak." ...Well, I technically have that badge- wait… oh, right. That samurai girl took it, didn't she? Or did she? I should record my shit on a piece 'a paper some day.

...She looks away. "Well, I wasn't gonna say anything, but…" Honh. Hard reads, yo. "Are you looking into the robots?"

Oh, boy. 'The robots'. So you mean they're an issue, now. "Nah, but I ran inta some on the way here. Fairy-lookin' assholes, yeah?"

"Mmm…" She nods casually. "They found a guard who lost all his bones at the eastern gate. I heard the clean up was bad…" Bad, huh. Yeah.

As it turns out, that was not the robots' fault! That was a, uh, deboning youkai. And I do indeed imagine the clean up was awful, because holy shit. Ma~n. Does anyone sell brain bleach? Here I thought I'd seen everything- like legit thought I was as jaded as freakin' possible, especially after that time Shikome gibbed that dancer girl, but nope. Christ.

Kirisame grins at me. "You gonna do anythin' about this robot business? Saw you kickin' around with Reimu and some buddies before, and it looks like you're aimin' to do it again." He gestures to my nugget company.

Uu~h…? I wasn't plannin' on it, but-

"You-..." The girl speaks up, before stopping herself and looking away. Aw, yo...

Holding up his arms, Kirisame gives a confession. "Legitimately, I dunno what's going on with the robot scene. Some sources're tellin' me that the walls've gotten a hell raisin' past couple days, and if ya saw a bunch on the way here, that kinda seals it..."

I raise a brow. "Sources?"

"Scrying spells." He clarifies dryly. "Lemme sound cool, will ya?"

Oof. I shattered his dreams…!

"We've seen one within the village." Genkan is now in the conversation, and not just observing! "It was in a trash can, which it took control of to attack us." ...Somethin' like that!

Brows furrowing, Kirisame's eyes shot to her. "They're in the village?"

The girl froze. Genkan freezes people both literally and metaphorically!

She nods. "Indeed."

"Oh, shit." Kirisame leans against the desk. "Uh oh. Whelp, you're not leavin' today, Maria." Maria? So that's her name… and it's dangerously close to 'Marisa'. Personalities are a sharp contrast, though!

...Maria actually seems disappointed, for some reason. Despite this, she doesn't seem to wanna say nothin'.

Ha-chan's let go by Genkan, and steps up to the desk. Quickly, she slides her sleeve of metal triangles off-

Ding-clank-clang! They clatter on the desk.

...Kirisame just stares at her in a semi-jaded manner, before looking at me.

I mouth 'just one' to him. Also, 'what are they'.

Picking one up, he runs his finger through it like he's playing the triangle. Oh, so they're just crappy metal triangles…! "Like, three hundred yen." He gives me a price for one. Looking over at Ha-chan, he gives her a level but not unfriendly stare. "Just one, though."

"Aww~… okay." Ha-chan settles for it.

"These, too." Genkan places her new fans on the counter. "They interest me."

"I would hope." Kirisame jests. "One thousand yen." For paper fans?

Walking up, I look down at 'em… oh. They're actually cloth, huh. Goes to show my observancy…

Genkan starts to reach into her pockets, but I step up to the plate! "I'll buy 'em for ya, yo."

She looks over at me, before ceasing retrieving her own money. Less spectacular of a response than I hoped for, but it's realistic!

A~nd one thousand three hundred yen, gone! S'a small price to pay for party member love, son.

"Tha~nk you!" He takes the money gladly, before turning to Maria. "See? Already paid it back in full!" ...How tiny's her paycheck? "By the way, catch." He tosses the money over to her.

She barely catches it, eyes widening. "Wh- really...?"

"Yeah, really." He waves it off. "I make like fifty times that every time I sell a single elixir."

...Blinking, she tries to be in disbelief again. "Mister Kirisame-"

"Just call me Marcus, already." He amends! "I ain't yer dad. Y'don't want me t'be your dad! Just ask Marisa...!"

Maria snorts, before looking away again. "Marisa…" Ooh, she knows 'er? Hoh.

Ha-chan stares at her new triangle, before charging it with electrical energy. "Hehehe~!" Ooo~...

Genkan lifts her fans, opening them a few times experimentally.

Fluffy days, dude. With that done, I look at Kirisame. "Make a batch 'a Panaceas for me fer next time, a'ight?"

He nods, smiling. "Will do!"

With that, I move for the door. Beat up the robots, huh? Hmm. Sounds more like a job for-

"Wait!" Maria calls out for me while I'm halfway through the door!

...Me and my party look back at her, and Kirisame looks over at 'er too.

"You guys…" She's got an arm held out towards us, which she's slowly lowering. "You're going, right? After the robots?"

Well the funny thing is that-

"I want to come with you." Maria asserts herself.

...Oh!

Genkan rotates to face her fully. "All things considered, I highly doubt one such as yourself has the capability to travel safely across the plains at this time."

"That's why I want to go with you…!" Maria moves around the desk to get closer to us. "I- I… I want to leave the village."

"...I say this for your safety." Genkan reaffirms herself. "Do not travel with us."

"Sc-... scre~w safety!" Maria yells! "I wa- want to go!"

...Genkan turns away from her. "If you so desire."

Steppin' out to her, I get on the case! "Y'su~re you wanna roll with us?"

I normally wouldn't ask it, but Genkan got me thinkin'... that, and I don't think I know where to begin with stopping the robots! "I mean… I dunno what life inside the village is li~ke, but-"

"I ha- hate it." Maria blurts out. She glances at Kirisame. "No offense… Ma- Marcus. Working at the shop's been the most fun I've had in awhile. But I… I can't stand staying here. In- in the village."

...Kirisame just blinked at her. "The most fun ya've had? Until today ya've only spoke…" He stops to consider this. "About a sentence ta me. And that was over a week..."

Maria smiles at him, despite her nervousness. "You- you were kind to me. I was able to keep to myself, and just… think, for awhile. I- I don't have to worry, when I'm here."

...Kirisame takes this information in silence and raised brows.

"I don't... want to go back. I need to move on..." Shaking her head, Maria approaches me. "I don't care what you think of me. I- I can do some magic! Just, please…"

Well, when you put it like that, how am I supposed to say no? Aah, whatever. If she gets beat up I can just put my seven health potions to good use.

"Alright, yo." I exhale, lookin' her over. "Robot rebel ranch it is, yo."

She's got a rather plain outfit on at the moment, with a long maroon skirt and a basic beige shirt, which has some holes and scratch marks about it, as well as dirt. Body-wise, she's petite and a little stout… how old's she supposed to be again? I'm guessin' mid-teens…

Again, cream hair. As for how it looks though, it's bowl cut and down past her ears, but her bangs are cut short to reveal her eyes 'n' brows.

...After a moment of staring at me, she sprints for the back room. "Let me ah- get my things!"

...Genkan stares at me drolly.

I grin at her. "Ey, yo. S'her decision. I'll have an eye out for her, anyway. I got health potions up the ass."

"...I wouldn't be surprised. It's likely where that bag of yours goes to." Genkan jeers. Chill~, yo…!

I look over at Kirisame, ta see what he's thinkin'...

He's starin' back at me, smiling. Hoh! Just ta confirm though… "You cool with this?"

"Mmm." He nods. "It's high time she did something for herself. No good to keep kids all cooped up. We all know how that goes…"

...I assume he's talkin' about Marisa! I dunno her family history and she'd be the last person ta tell me shit. I ain't gonna pry Kirisame 'bout it, though, 'cause it ain't none 'a my beeswax.

Also- I almost wanted to debate the 'keeping kids cooped up' thing, but I remembered this world has no computers. In that case, get me the hell outta the house! That, or a bookshelf… of interesting reads. I've had enough Great Gatsby for one lifetime…!

Maria reappears! Walkin' from the back room, she's now got a little raggedy lookin' travel bag around her waist and a rather plain, rugged wood staff.

...She notices my examining stare. "Tha- thank you again…" Hoh. This level of humanity from someone's kinda a freakin' shock ta me. Like, we got the insano guard patrol, the lunatic vendors… and then we got this half-traumatized lass here. I mean, Renko and Merry were human, but my surprise is moreso that I'm finding sanity naturally within the village walls.

Grinning, I turn for the door. "Let's get a move on, yo. We're gonna~… fight robots, or something!" I do not know where to take us yet!

"Yea~h!" Ha-chan cheers! Now that I think about it, her electricity should come in pretty handy. Robots are either weak to or healed by electricity, if I recall correctly. So she'll either be a saint or a sinner!

"...I suppose I'll assist you." Genkan renews her subscription to Fluffnugget Mania. "If only for my peace of mind. I do not rest in a structure safe from robotic entities, if they are able to withstand cold."

"I'll... do my best." Maria holds up her wood staff, clutching it tightly.

Alright, yo! Let's get this show on the road!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

The show's on the road, son. We're moving to- according to Maria- the east gate, which is also the gate that leads to the Hakurei path and all that.

Ha-chan's back in her cloak 'cause town guard. Shady thief person? A~ okay! Fairy maid? Woah no!

"Truth be told…" Genkan makes a confession. "I've nothing better to do, and… excess lounging does bring its own woes. That elder human was not wrong in stating it's good to get out."

Grass is always greener, innit? I'm always in a flux of wanting to relax and wanting to go batshit on life. It's a feeling that should result in indecision and gridlock, but surprisingly doesn't!

"I got locked in a small room once." Ha-chan admitted. "I died." Freakin'...

"Splendid…" Genkan's trying hard not to smile at that…!

...We're heading towards the east gate for a reason, by the way! After some thinking, I thought about that whole 'Code-chan' name that got dropped earlier back at the mansion. Maybe that was supposed to be a stupid easy clue as to who was doin' this.

Maria's quiet, I've noticed. Let's engage in conversation, yo…

"Hello, world!" Flailing wildly in a verbal fashion!

...Maria looks over at me. Hoh.

Okay, my brain's caught up with me. I wanna sa~y… "What kinda spells can ya do, yo?"

"Oh…" She blinks, before taking a moment to find words herself. "Um… some spells? Fire, th-thunder, ice… or- or so. Yeah."

That's about as dynamic as my entire team combined! I've got earth and fire stuff, Genkan is ice times ten, and Ha-chan is a dash of thunder. I've also got water and bomb stuff, among other things.

I nod casually. "Coo~l, yo…"

"What do you guys do?" Maria's curious as to our class orientation!

"I'm fun..." Ha-chan is fun class.

...Genkan looks over at me, but since I don't do anything she looks back at Maria and continues. "I am a yuki-onna."

Maria blinks. "...A- a yuki-onna? Don't you kill people...?"

"In self-defense." Genkan stresses sternly. "I'm not of a race of murderers, like your kind."

Maria briefly recoils at that, before silently accepting that fact and relaxing.

...I still wanna bring up that yuki-onna who walked up to me, flashed me, and tried to eat me. I~ don't know about you, but freakin'...!

...Oh, yeah, Maria's lookin' at me.

"I'm joker class, yo." I point at myself with my thumb! "I protect, but I also attack. And above that, I carry a million healing items."

Maria blinks. "...Oh. Um, I also brought some stuff, too." She holds up her travel bag, and flips it open. "...Some bread me and mom used to make together. Um- some ethers, some potions, an elixir… water."

An elixir? Dude, we have so many healing items, we could walk into a firing line and be fine and still have shit to spare. Well, Ha-chan'd explode, but still.

Also- she brought survival items. Amount of times I've taken a swig of water onscreen in this story: zero. By all means, I should be dead by now! Maybe health potions heal those motives… I mean, they're liquid. Even if they make you vacate your stomach sometimes.

"Water…" Genkan considered her inventory. "You know, if we melted my ice, we'd have water as far as our mana pools could produce."

Oh, yeah, I can make water too. Wa~ter hange~r!

"Oh…" Maria nods at this. "Oh well. It figures you're well prepared..."

Aw, baby girl, you dunno how ill-prepared we really are! Having a certified and licensed yuki-onna on our team's a good buffer, though.

...By the way, it is chilly.

As we approach the eastern gate, I stop. "Hold up, friends."

The friends hold up rather fluffily…

"I gotta go throw on my not-dying outfit." I inform them, walking for a nearby alley. "It's cold…!"

Puzzled, Genkan stares at me quizzically. "Cold? You?"

"Yeah, yo." I look at her. "The secret's in the strings…!"

...Genkan has a look of worldly revelation. She's catchin' on, yo.

...After some moments of fumbling around behind a nearby dumpster-

Freakin', Genkan approaches my dumpster as I'm changing. "Your ice affinity… is from clothing?"

Freakin'... "Yeah, yo." I just got my monk robes off! Gimme a moment-

Suddenly closer, she bends over in examination as I start to get my camou-kimono on. Uu~h...

I pause in just my freakin' undies. "Here I thought I was the pervert, yo…!"

She looks up at me. "...Oh. This does look questionable, doesn't it?" To remedy this, she turns around, still bent over. "Let me know when you're fine."

...This view you gave me, it don't help. You may've turned around, but now I can see your yuki-ass. Eeh, take what you can get yo...

Ah, there we go. No more chills! Once you get enough of it on, the effect kicks in.

Turning back around, she watches me get the final bits on. "...It's indeed enchanted, but by the magical signatures I can ascertain, it should be producing heat." She makes a deduction of my attire. "Not denying the production of it or granting the wearer curious biology…"

Then, she drifts up to me, and slips an arm through one of the holes before I properly get to it. This action leaves her hair in my face, which smells like cold. Freakin'... not helping out the hormone situation!

Quickly, she takes the arm back out, brows furrowed. "That feels peculiar."

Yeah, I bet it does. With a fixed grin, I adjust my 'camouno' to be properly equipped… "Does it?"

"...For some reason, it makes my arm tingle when it is inside." Staring at her sleeved arm, she looks it over, as if searching for any further irregularities. "Not in an unfavorable way... though it would drive me mad were it persistent. How do you fare it?"

"I don't tingle, yo." I clarify, moving outta the alley towards the friends again. "It just keeps me from bein' cold."

...With that, Genkan follows me. "Curious." Ho ho…

We reach the friends!

"What…" Aw. It's Maria's turn to be baffled by the fun kimono. "What are you wearing?"

"I dunno." I let my arms ragdoll. "Help."

...Brows furrowing, Maria examines it. "It's... a kimono?"

Yo ho ho! She has now answered her own question!

"I understand how it could fool someone." Genkan defends Maria. "It is an eyesore."

Smirkin' at her, I reply…! "S'good for hidin', though, yo."

"Youkai use more senses than sight to detect humans." Genkan demolishes my argument. "...Additionally, I don't think your piercingly yellow helmet hides you in any environment."

...I wave a finger in the air. "S'a good point. That is a good point... and s'well made…!"

Genkan just gives me a dry stare. Hehe~!

...We come up on the gate that gets us the hell outta here. There doesn't seem to be an interior guard, but there is a guy on the outside.

Stepping up to the gate, I almost call out for him…

"He~y...!" Maria beats me to it.

Snapping to attention, the guard looks over at us.

"Aa- ah…" Maria clams up once she meets his gaze, but continues. "We'd, um, like to go out."

...The guard seems to slouch melodramatically. "Here I am, busting my balls, and you morons want to just walk out into the slaughter, huh?"

"We- we're…" Maria builds steam…! "We're going to solve the incident." There we go! Affirmative action!

And hold up, incident? Says who? I thought this was just a random event…!

Scoffing, the guard almost turns away, before locking his eyes on me. "...Yeah. Two chicks, a thief, and a youkai."

"I'm gonna stea~l...!" Ha-chan waves her arms about like a pretend ghost. "Ooo~...!"

"He- he's not." Maria defends me. "My… my name is Maria Yamada, and-"

The guard snaps to attention once again. "Maria?"

Maria cringes. "...Ye- yes?"

"We had explicit orders to not let you out of the village." Alright, guard person, you're in for it now…! "Who are these people? Where are your parents?"

"No…" Maria backs up, before turning to us. "I- I'm sorry, I-"

I step forward… only to almost walk into the gate so I have to step back. "Don't worry, yo. We got this shit."

The guard moves for the gate reel. "I'm gonna open this up. If you run, I'll find you." Oo~h, we ain't plannin' on runnin', boy!

Lookin' over at Genkan, I give her a smug smile.

...She allows herself a small smile. This ain't gonna last long, yo.

The gate creaks open.

Stepping inside, the guard points his pike at us. "Alright. Place your things on the ground. Possessions aren't allowed in the-"

Kri-kra-krack! With a wave of her fan, Genkan does that recurring attack where a snowflake generates in your target and spins.

"Wh-...!?" The guard raises his pike defensively, whipping his head around as the snowflake does its magic, and-

Fwash! Guardsicle. He's a block, dude!

"Uhm…" Maria blinks. "...Will he be okay?"

"Probably!" ...May've been doing his job, but I don't particularly care! "Let's get a move on, yo!"

I do a jazzy strut up to the guardsicle, and get in his face as close as I can. "Where're your parents, son?"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Foggy as fu~ck, dude. Outside the village it's like ten times less draw distance. Blind mode but with a whitish coloration to it. I got my helmet on and visor down, so I feel like a freakin' astronaut. If only I was really an astronaut right now, yo…!

"It feels nice out…" Genkan exhales, looking pleased. "Is the kiss of fog on your skin not excellent?"

I don't feel shit…!

"It's kinda chilly…" Ha-chan's less vigorous about it.

...Maria just quietly hugs herself, her posture awkward because of her wooden staff that's like the size of her.

...After a moment of non-responses and Ha-chan's less than enthused response, Genkan snorts. "I suppose that would figure. Why haven't you simply prepared like…'Brad', over here?" When'd she get my name…? Ha-chan musta dropped it at some point, I think.

"I can't afford more clothes. Couldn't, rather..." Maria fidgets a little, giving us glances as we advance. "My, um… people I live with also don't really buy me any."

"...Oh." Genkan chills out. Ha ha… ha? "My apologies. It is unfortunate that your kind value property over propriety." Dayum, nevermind, maybe she ain't chill…!

We reach the Hakurei Shrine steps.

At the bottom of them, there's a layer of smashed robots, and bright, colorful fluids are smeared across both the steps and the ground all before us.

Vuu~m. From somewhere nearby, there's a low, spaceship-esque hum, but I can't tell from where.

That reminds me. "How ya know this's an incident?" I question Maria!

She looks over at me. "...You… don't? The dragon statue in the village, its eyes were red. It can't be anything but."

...Oh, yeah. That was a thing. I completely forgot. Well, if the freakin' hood ornament says so.

Vuu~m. Low hu~m...

"Where is that freakin' humming coming from?" I look around…! My party looks around too, but we don't see much!

"We… might want to move." Maria advises. "It's not safe like this…"

I snort. "Unsafe's my maiden name, yo…" With that, I carefully step past the pool of probably poisonous puddles before the shrine steps. Unsafe I may be, stupid I am not! Or so I'd hope…!

Genkan and Ha-chan just drift over it, and Maria follows me around…

"This… 'Data-chan'." Genkan is reluctant to address our suspect with buddy terms! "You say she's a… fairy maid?"

I nod. "Yeah, basically. Only heard the name." Code-chan or Data-chan? Ah, whatever. Similar four letter names!

...Dryly, Genkan looks over at Ha-chan.

Ha-chan's slowly turning back towards the colorful puddles as she lands next to me…

I grin at Genkan. "Hey, yo. Not all fairies are created equal…!"

"I'm sure." Folding her arms, Genkan drifts further ahead a little…

...Maria cautions the fairy friend. "Don't touch that stuff."

Ha-chan pouts, almost leaning over the stuff. "But… it's colorful."

"It's not natural…" Frowning, Maria steps back towards me. "You don't know what it could do."

...Ha-chan looks back at the puddle.

I give my words! "It's bone hurting juice, yo."

"Ooo…!" Ha-chan leaps away from it! "I like my bones!"

...Turnin' to Maria, I grin. "See, yo. Ya just gotta be a little… creative!" I give her advice on how to tell Ha-chan to not die sometimes!

...Maria just blinks. "Ah…"

So, yeah, foggy path. Once we leave the Hakurei Shrine steps, the spaceship-like humming fades out.

Man, it's quiet. Usually I'd get jumped by wolf dudes or fairies or something. I don't even hear things going on outside 'a our little bubble of vision. No birds, no bugs… no rustling of freakin' noobs.

...It's not long before we reach the Misty Lake. There're two figures standing by the shore, holding hands. Oka~y.

"Hey, look." I point at them. "Not suspicious people standing by the eerily quiet lake."

"Well…" Maria holds her right arm with her left arm. "Ye- yeah. I guess they look a little weird."

...Genkan shakes her head. "You two jump to conclusions. I suppose you cannot help it."

"I jump on conclusions!" Ha-chan contributes! "...I am a conclusion!" Hoo~h…!

"Allow me." Genkan drifts up to them. Deja vu~!

Should I ready for battle…? Na~h. Genkan's got this, she's a freakin' ice woman of death.

...Once she reaches them, she speaks. "Excuse me."

Stepping a little closer, I get a better look at the noobs. Fairy wings! Oo~h yep, these are very likely robots.

"Excuse me." Genkan reaffirms herself, but the robots don't seem ta be listening… 'cause they's robots!

...Once again, with force! "You two."

...A blue-haired fairy friend begins to turn around. As it does, the expected result is revealed!

Unlike the other robo fairies though, this one has fucking blindingly bright eyes, with huge bolted eye port things. Only as it turns around do I realize how freakin' piercingly bright they are…!

Genkan slides back from the fairy, unfurling her fan-

"Whuu~..." The fairy slowly begins to whirl up or some weird shit. I don't know…!

As it does, its entire body smoothly mobilizes, floating straight for Genkan.

She drifts back from it. "Stay back."

"Huuu~!" The thing slowly begins to increase in volume…!

Krii~ng! Ma~ssive ice spike blade thing!

"Waah!?" Maria is taken by surprise!

...Genkan defluffs, the massive blade of ice she just erected slowly receding back into the dirt.

The robot's now lying in a battered heap to the left of where the blade came outta. It's still moving, but the limbs are disconnected and-

The torso smoothly floats up, until it stops and bobs in the air. It's still connected by wires to the other limbs, although the limbs themselves just kinda get taken for a joy ride. What the fuck.

"O- oh…!?" Maria's jaw is slack! "Ah- fire! Fire!" She aims her staff forward-

Fwoom! A fireball travels towards the torso-

Fwam- Boom! On impact, the torso explodes into a gooey, sickly mess of brown and green liquids, slime-smeared brass gears dropping from the interior of the machine and onto the grass.

Spla-splat, splat. Gooey goodness!

"Wh- what…" Maria's kinda caught off guard!

Ha-chan beams! "It became..." She deflates. "Bone hurting juice…"

Looking over at me, she frowns. "Why's bone hurting juice gotta be so colorful? I wanna eat it."

Friend, there's a fine line between liquid candy and freakin' oily smoggy shit. When we come back, I bet this grass is gonna be pastel yellow…

Oh, yeah, the other fairy's still just staring out at the water, hand held out like its partner was still holding it. Forever alone, son.

Before any of us move to approach it, it just gets up and flies off towards the fog-

"Hah!" Cirno darts out of the fog! Roaring up to the robot, she delivers her arm to its torso-

Fwa~sh! ...Icy frost runs up the robot's form, but the aura gives way to reveal that it is not frozen.

...Visibly, anyway. After it jerks in the air a little, it slowly descends, meaninglessly twitching around as it somehow doesn't know how to save itself from this situation.

Ploop. It sank into the water just off the shore after floating down far enough. Noob.

Cirno flexes the non-existent muscle of the arm she used to freeze the robo-fairy. "Haha~! Cirno, ten! Robo-fairies… about seven!" Ho ho. At least her kill to death ratio is positive, yo.

...Looking around, Cirno sights us and starts drifting to greet us.

...Once she gets closer, Cirno bolts for Genkan!

Tensing up, Genkan waved her other fan-

Fwash! Ice magic coats Cirno's form, but does nothing.

"Oof!" She jerks back in the air a little, 'cause Cirno glomped her!

"Ice lady~..." Cirno hugs the yuki-onna, nuzzling her head against her stomach. "Did you come to help me freeze?"

"...An actual fairy." At this observation, Genkan lets herself relax. "...You, no less."

"Ooh?" Parting from the hug, Cirno rubs her chin and grins. "So my reputation super seeds me, huh?"

"...You could say that." In a single moment, Genkan went from 'resting ice queen face' to 'extremely jaded'.

Looking us over, Cirno nods. "...Yes. Yes, Eye like this. Are these your worshippers?"

...Raising a brow, Genkan looks over at us, before nodding. "Yes." Wahaha!

"Cool!" Cirno, too, has fallen prey to the inevitable inadvertent ice pun. "Me an' Dai-chan have been fighting these weird things all day. They just keep comin'!"

"Do you know where they come from?" Genkan gets right to it!

"Totally!" I~... somehow doubt that. "...Everywhere!" Cirno spreads her arms out. "...It's the fog! Eye know so! They… are the fog!"

Genkan shakes her head solemnly. "I'm sorry I asked."

"No problem!" Cirno mixes up her polite phrases. "Any time! Anything for an ice gal!"

"I want to kick you." Genkan's having her life force drained, yo…!

Ha-chan flutters up to them… "Hey, Cirno-cha~n!" ...Why're you calling out to her? You're like twenty feet away-

"He~y!" Cirno makes a conscious effort to holler back with a freakin' yell, too. "Now we got two ice fairies!"

Ha-chan blinks. "...Yeah!" Now you're just lying to her…!

...Glancin' over at Maria, I see she just looks displaced. Fluffy.

With that, I begin movin' again. Maria notices first and quickly keeps to me, while Genkan begins to follow me next-

"Hey, wait up!" Freakin'... now we've got Cirno tailing us. "You guys gotta help me freeze these robots! They keep tearing my face off and it's annoying…!"

Genkan snorts. "Perhaps they wouldn't 'tear your face off' if you simply kept a distance."

Cirno darts ahead of us clumsily, before lagging back a bit. "Nah, Eye tried. When Eye tried to nap, one of them came up 'n' took my face off, and Eye woke up without a face, and then Eye died."

Wait…

As we walk, I turn ta Cirno. "Did they actually take ya face off?"

Cirno grinned. "Yeah! It really hurt! See, Eye still have the…" She points to her cheek only to frown. "Oh, yeah, Eye died. That's stupid. Why don't hurts stay when we wake up again? Eye thought it looked cool kinda… even if it was a little weird. And really really really hurt."

Alright, Cirno. Can't say I feel the same!

Ha-chan catches up with us as we walk or float, depending on the party member. "That sounds cool…"

"Sucks that Eye lost it…" Cirno grieved the loss of her bodily harm. "It made Dai-chan super freaked, too! Hehe- when Eye respawned, she came up and was all like-..." Suddenly, Cirno just stopped talking. "Yeah, she was worried."

...Huh. That's like the one time Cirno used tact, ever.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We're coming up on the mansion gates! It's so foggy that I can't see the mansion, but the path exists so that's good enough.

"Nuu~h…" We've also been running across this whacky variant of oversized, moaning robot. They don't do a whole lot but limp towards ya, but they're like fucking twelve feet tall so they're pretty intimidating anyway. Wide, too.

Maria's brows are furrowed, but she says nothin'. Avoidin' the cliche of asking what the hell it is! I mean, do any of us really know how ta answer that? Giant robot with a limp!

"No~h…" It's… vaguely female? The torso and limbs are big and chunky, partly biological and bloody looking, but mostly just metal plates, parts, 'n' gears.

That face, though. A face only a mother could love, yo. This one's rockin' purple, super uneven and raggedy hair. Hand-sized, wide open eyes comprise the bulk of the face, and the bottom is just three big exposed prongs. I guess you could call them teeth…

No ears, no neck. It's a freakin'... plate-shaped head, dude. Eeu~h!

"Horrible..." Maria finally comments on it. It's vaguely fairy shaped and does have some stupid wings on the back, but y'know… I don't think this thing'll be foolin' no one.

"I think we've established that." Genkan adds onto Maria's evaluation. "Brad. You say thunder works on these?"

I nod. "Pro~bably. This looks like the right kinda robot…" I think. We'll see!

...After a moment, Genkan looks over at Maria.

Complying with her gaze, Maria steps forward and lifts her staff. "Thunder!"

Za-za-zap-zap-zap! Five simple, weak bolts rain down randomly in the path section we're on, but only two hit the burly robo-fairy, causing it to flinch back slightly. "Noh!"

Zap! Ha-chan contributes with a tiny single bolt!

"Nuhoh!" Her zap causes it to do the same flinch, but on a delay.

...Dryly, Genkan lifts her fan-

Krii~ng! The ground-based ice blade erects again-

Kshoo~f! The robot lets out a airy boom as it seemingly erupts into some kinda blue energy. Its limbs bounce and fly outward, but don't really have any associated liquid.

Kashink- Kashink. The chunky torso makes weird ass noises as it plops onto the soil, teal gas leaking out from the ruined cogs.

...Thunk! An ice chunk tumbled down from the air next to us, before embedding itself in the earth. A robo-fairy was frozen inside.

Cirno floated down, pointing at it. "Haha~! Someone else who dunno when to defend or attack! Eye know the feeling…"

...Genkan tilted her head back and forth. "Thunder produced more volatile reactions, though it's still more efficient for me to simply act alone."

"Maybe if we were fighting a crowd." Maria reasoned, tilting her head back 'n' forth. "My thunder's really bad on single targets… and I read that electricity's good at chaining. If things- these things are electric, like Brad says, then uhm, that bolt Hana makes could hit a group."

...Hmm, yeah. I never thought 'a that. Electricity does jump around and stuff, doesn't it?

"I have crowd spells, too." Genkan provides, looking over at Maria. "...Not thunder, admittedly."

"Well…" Maria seems intent to let the conversation die. "Nnn."

"You guys still talkin' about boring stuff?" Cirno glances over at us.

"Yeah, yo!" I wave at her!

...With that, Cirno darts up into the sky above us, again.

We keep movin'. The fog's a nice atmosphere. Considering how icy it must feel, today's probably a good one for ice magic… if yer outdoors, anyway.

Aw. The mansion's up ahead! I can tell because we've just about walked into the gate and bumped our faces on it…

Meiling's standing next to it, arms folded and leaning against the gate. She looks drowsy…

She's also on fire, but she doesn't really seem to mind. Greasy, sickly rainbow liquid is splotched along some of her skin and clothing, some of which is dissipating into teal mist.

"Oh, yo." I greet her. "I brought an army."

"Ah…" She looks over at my party, before snorting. "Here to help me guard?"

"We have reason to believe the one behind this incident is in your halls." Genkan asserts herself!

Meiling sighs, beginning to stand. "Ma~n. Do I have to kick your asses?"

U~h…! I clarify something! "The suspect's a fairy maid…!"

Meiling leans back against the wall. "Gate's open. Go on in…" She yawns. "Hoa~h."

...Ha-chan walks up to Meiling, and pokes her. "He~y. We woulda gotten in anyway."

"Oh… nmh." Meiling's too tired to care.

...Ha-chan continues to poke Meiling-

The fire runs off of Meiling's clothing and onto her arm, causing her to flail it. "Aa- aah! Woa~h! Wo-"

Fwoof. Snow clumps around Ha-chan's arm, and becomes a chunk of solid ice.

...Thunk. She nearly falls over before crouching down, her frozen arm weighing her down. "Wooa~h!"

I slouch. Freakin'... I dunno why, but that progression of events really amused me!

"You're ope~n!" Cirno whirls down from above-

Slap! She slams her arm into Meiling, slapping her and causing her head to turn.

Fwa~sh! A moment later, Meiling is frozen solid, her flaming clothes put out.

"Hahaha~!" Arms now on her hips, Cirno laughs victoriously! "I win today, gate girl! The mansion's crayons are-"

Cra~ck! The ice shatters, and Meiling grabs Cirno by the face.

"Mwoaa~...!?" Cirno is too shocked to even move-

Pi~chun! Meiling crushes the fairy's head with her hand.

"Achoo~..." Meiling sneezed. That was Cirno's real attack! "Damn…"

"Aren't-..." Maria's standing in the open gate, waiting for me. Seems Genkan already proceeded in. "Aren't you coming…?"

"Aah…" Ha-chan floats up, and awkwardly drags her ice arm with her. "Yeah!"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I'm getting this impression… that the mansion's not where the noobs are coming from. Mostly because Meiling seemed to be covered in what was probably oil and poisonous goo. She seemed alright, though, likely because she's a freakin' tank.

We're in the main lobby now, though!

Nothing really seems different in here. In the northwest corner of the room, some fairy maids I don't recognize are like, playing Jenga with shoes…

"Wow…" Maria lets out a breath. "This… this is the mansion e- everyone talks about, right? The one where those vampires that attacked the village the other day came from…"

Wat. Have you been listening to fake news? Oh well… "Probably not! These guys don't get outta the house much." I clarify!

"Ah…?" At that, Maria stops lookin' at the big dimly lit lobby, and turns to me. "These guys? Who, uh, do you mean?"

How- oh, yeah. I see how you could get confused…

I gesture to the game of shoe Jenga. "The shoes, dude. No, I mean the voompires."

"...Really?" Maria is probably understandably skeptical!

"Yeah, yo. We can go meet 'er on the off if you want…" She's really not that opposing or malevolent. Well, she can be opposing, but she's rather chill. Most big wigs're rather chill, which is nice.

Clamming up, Maria focuses on me! "That's- that's okay…! Um, no. I- no." Wahaha!

...Grinnin', I lay it on thicker! "They can smell fear, y'know yo…"

...She just hardens her grip on her staff and starts looking around. Aww, I wanted a vocal reaction.

Genkan seems to still be surveying the lobby…

"Brad-kun…" Ha-chan addresses me surprisingly seriously.

I turn to her, brow raised. "Yo, what's up?"

"If we respawn with our clothes on and clean…" She brings a hand to her chin. "Why~ do we have laundry days…?"

Oo~h my go~d, dude!

Genkan half-turns to us as she moves for the foyer stairs. "I always wondered how fairies retained their articles. My conclusion is that they're simply a part of them, in some way."

"Because…" Sakuya voice, but no Sakuya! Aa~h!

Oh, there's Sakuya, in the midst of all of us. "Not always do fairies don their attire, and not always are fairies entirely sanitary. Above that, fragile as they are, dying is not a routine for all few hundred of them. It'd be unreasonable to kill them all, especially when inevitably some are in stages of bathing or slumber."

...Halfway up the stairs, Genkan turns around. "Oh? You're that maid…"

"Sakuya…" Maria speaks the maid's name under her breath.

"Hello, friend!" I greet the friend! "We're solving an incident, I guess! I~ just kinda got thrown into it… you want in?"

Sakuya blinks at me. "...No. No, I think not. This is the first I've heard of any sort of incident."

Hoh. I snap my fingers. "Check outside."

She blinks out for a half second, before reappearing. "I see your point, I suppose. Still, unless the Mistress requests it, I will not act. It does not seem pertinent."

You're a pertinent, yo. "Alright, yo. I wanna be buddies, dude. How can we be buddier?" Odd time to try and increase my Sakuya points, but it came to mind!

...Her gaze is dry. "If you're being genuine, I suppose legitimately volunteering for help around the mansion would contribute. Although, we've got some people for that, now…"

Who? Oh, yeah. Probably not-me. And that kid in a fairy costume...

Oh, and one last thing. "Yo, you know a Data-chan?"

Sakuya nods. "Mmm?"

Oh. Well, this should be easy, then. "I wanna see her, yo. Gonna put a girl in a coffin, y'know?"

...She blinks, before complying neutrally. "Sure."

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We're all standing in an empty room!

Unlike other fairy maid quarters, this room's genuinely empty. Carpet, walls, one light on the ceiling, no ceiling fan. One door in and out.

In the center of the room, a fairy maid with a standard uniform is sitting in a ball. She's got really long white hair, and dull grey eyes. She's just kinda staring at the wall.

"Data-chan." Sakuya gestures to her. "Now, if I may…"

She vanishes. Goodbye, world!

Genkan glances at me, prompting me to glance at her.

Maria's the first to step towards Data-chan, for some reason, soon followed by Ha-chan.

"It's you!" Ha-chan addresses her! "Hello~!"

...Data-chan looks up at her, before returning to staring at the wall.

"Aww~..." Kneeling down, Ha-chan gives her a hug. "You're just shy…"

For some reason, I don't think this is our perp. She's a little too~… dead inside looking.

"...I think this is not our target." Genkan comments on this, too. "Are you certain there is someone of interest, here? Harassing the abode of prestigious youkai unwarranted only ends poorly, you know."

You say that like I haven't been doing that this entire fanfic. But, anyway…! "Positive, yo! Like… there were fairies who said things! I know so!"

"...If you think it's wise." Genkan looks back down at Data-chan. "This is obviously not her, however."

Yeah. Hrmm…

...I kneel in front 'a Data-chan's face, and speak words! "Hi, son. You know anything about robots?"

...She blinks at me, which is actually new, but no response. Good.

"Guess not." Standing up, I bring my head around. Freakin'... what do you do with a mute?

Kneeling before her again, I poke her face!

She blinks a few more times, before saying her first words! "Insufficient." Frowning, she turns away. "Do what you will." ...Awhah?

Whelp, back to standing. Not wha~t I expected, not that I had any expectations… it exceeded my non-expectations!

Ha-chan parts from her, too. "Data-chan's real shy about new people. I tried to talk with her before, but she uses too many big words…"

Oh? Aw. No words or all words, huh.

"I'm cold." Data-chan adjusts herself to lie on her side. "Leave me alone."

"Le- let's go." Maria decides for us.

"Indeed." Genkan agrees with her.

Ha-chan smiles at them. "Oka~y…"

Aw. I mean, they're not wrong to think that. This place is pretty much a dead end. I feel like doing something I haven't done in awhile, though, and there's really no way to just bring it up without getting talked over, I think.

...In spite of them, I reach into my bag, and take out Hard Winter. Didn't this thing, like… have a jackhammer mode? Duhuhu~de...

While my party moves out the door, I sprint to the far side of the room, buff myself, and reel my arm back…!

Wham! Yea~h! Wall destruction time!

Bam! Bam! Bam!

"What…" Genkan floats back in! "What are you doing…!?"

"I'm super mobile now, son!" We ain't gettin' anywhere just scrapin' the surface! We gotta dig, dude! Dig!

Bam! The wall's cracking, man!

...Data-chan's brows slowly furrow as I destroy her back wall. Wahaha!

"Brad!" Genkan yells at me! "You're destroying property!"

Bam! "I know!" Must… finish… property damage!

Boom!

...I've done it. I've hit the hanger through the wall, into some other room. Now to just mine out enough for me to crawl in…

"Oh, no…" Genkan deflates. "Do-... do you realize what you've done? Scarlet will not let us hear the end of this…"

I wave it off. "Aah. I know a guy…"

"What 'guy' can pull us from a lifetime of servitude under elder vampires!?" Genkan roars at me! "You…"

Crack! Crack! I'm gettin' through…!

After some vigorous whacks, I think I can crawl through the crack now-

Oh, shit! Genkan picked me up…!

"If this is what you wish…" Reeling me back with both arms, Genkan slides back from the wall a little. "So it shall be!" Oo~h fu-

Crack!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Thud.

...Ow~. Shit…

Fuck. Actually, I'm not that banged up. Hard Winter's still in the other room, but...

Standing onto my legs, I dust myself off. Genkan made sure to toss me right through that crack, huh…? This helmet 'a mine probably helped oodles, too.

"Oo~h? Who's this?" Fairies! They're staring at me like I'm a creep...

"...Weird looking thing." Oh, they're those three pastel-haired pedophiles who doted around that, uh… 'fairy maid'. You know, him. The mansion's latest trap… who isn't me from another dimension.

...Add that to the list of 'sentences I never thought I'd think'.

Aa~h. It's actually kinda refreshing being on my own again, even if it's just for a moment. I'm sure Ha-chan'll drag those noobs back to me in a little while. Meanwhile…

Oh! Pastel green-haired maid grabs onto my helmeted head, and makes me look at her. "What are you…?"

"Nuu~h." I copy the moan of the semi-biological tubby robots from outside the mansion. "Nhouh." Leave this poor autistic man alone, yo.

"Eew." The pastel red-haired one scrunches her face, and punts me with her heel. Ow, fuck…! "Some kinda youkai~. Get it out…"

Moving quickly, I get onto my feet, slip a hand inta my sack, and hold my other hand up! "Yo, mates! You know anything about a~..." Data-chan's apparently the wrong noob. Wh-...

I just realized I'm a fucking idiot. "Code-chan. You... delightful lookin' fellas seen a Code-chan?"

The pastel blue-haired one licked her lips. "He sounds like a boy."

"What if we do know Code-chan?" Playfully, the pastel red-haired one trots up to me despite punting my side earlier. "What's in it for us?"

I know how to bribe them. "I know a guy who knows a guy who can get you little boys." Freakin' pedo fairies.

They suddenly stop trying to appear seductive. Pastel blue-hair fairy moves for the door. "C'mo~n. I'll take ya to Code-chan, boy. If you're not being real with us though…" Looking over at me, she blows me a kiss. "You'll do, too~. Cutie-kun could use a girlfriend…"

Girl, I got a space suit that removes gravity in a radius. Let's see you rape me in zero gravity- can't fairies fly? Ah, whatever. Zero gravity lets me fly too, as long as I got stuff to push myself against. How does Million Bucks' glide work in zero-G? Oo~h, the possibilities!

So, yeah. I follow her as she moves outta the door and into the hall outside.

"So, boy." Pastel blue-haired tramp fairy turns back ta me as we waltz down these curiously quiet halls. "What's with you and Code-chan? You her new bitch?"

"Yes." I nod. "I suck her feetsies and lick her toes, dude. I vacuum up her Cheeto dust, and give her sl- sloppy kisses in the dim light of a computer screen." Damn, that was so offkey it made me stutter!

...She glances back at me again. "Uu~h. You… didn't need to be honest." Wahaha!

Dim mansion halls. Whenever I'm in them, I feel like the weather outside's always the same for some reason. It's always kinda a shell shock to go out and see it's suddenly sunny or night or something.

After some walking, we come across Maria on her lonesome. Okay what the fuck happened to my party while I was gone…!?

She holds up her staff defensively as we near her, only to lower it once she sees me. "Oh- oh, thank god…"

"Yo, what's good?" I call out ta her.

"Yu- Yuki-onna… she's looking for you." Timidly, she gives her information! "She split from us to find you faster, and um, then the fairy took off and left me alone, and- some fairies attacked me…"

Pastel blue-haired frik turns to me, then to her. Then, she steps up to Maria, and puts a hand on her shoulder.

"Yo- you're friendly, right…!?" Maria clams up!

Looking back at me, the fairy smirks. "When I take you to Code-chan, I keep her. Payment."

I roll my eyes. "Su~re." I'll just blow you up later, then.

"Wh-... what…?" Face falling, Maria looks at me in disbelief.

...Once the fairy smiles at me and starts to skip ahead again, I slide up ta Maria. She tries to recoil away but I just persist so I can let 'er in on my action. In whisper…! "Yo- I ain't really sellin' ya. I just need this frik ta think it before I put 'er body on the wall."

"I- I trust you." Maria nods at me, putting on a brave face. Honestly- why are you even worried? A single fireball will probably kill that fairy, even if she's like two heads taller than ya!

Guess it's the atmosphere. I can't blame her, this place gives me some serious Castlevania vibes. My first time here, I was kinda intimidated too, even if my shitty writing didn't express it well.

Eventually, we stop at a generic door.

"Ri~ght here." Pastel blue noob smirks at me. "Code-chan's hidin' out here, today. And I get your cutie patootie there, right?" She locks her gaze on Maria…

I take out the Bawmber, and walk up to her-

She darts back, aware of the danger. "You stupid fucking human. I know you're gonna hit me with that-"

Boom! I toss it at her while she insults me, and it explodes, taking her in the blast. The hanger lands on the floor where she was…!

"Play dominoes on pizza pasta in hell, son." ...If you didn't know, that's a bunch of FBI code for dominating kids or something. Thanks, Wikileaks!

...Maria had flinched back violently from the blast, but realized what happened a moment later. "You- you can cast explosions!?"

"Yeah, yo!" By proxy! "Is good!"

...Apparently my reputation precedes me! That fairy knew who I was the moment I pulled out that hanger. I guess that'd figure at this point.

Quickly movin' to reclaim my hanger, I hold it defensively as I scoot up ta the door. "Yo! This is the police! The popo be fast on yo ass!" Open up, noobs!

I hear someone pace towards the door, so I hide the Bawmber behind my back.

Cli-click. It unlocks, and opens.

Brittany stares out at me dryly. "...Hi Joel."

Freakin'... "Yo- s'there a boob named Code-chan wit'cha?" Must… solve… apparent incident!

Brittany snorts. "Oh, you know her? Maybe you're not as lost as I thought."

She moves outta the way to let me in, so I go in! Maria slips in behind me, too…

Inside, there's a really raggedy, generic coffee table, some strange machines and metal counters… and it's dimly lit.

A fairy's standing in the center.

Green hair, swirly glasses. Working on mechanical parts…

This was that cyborg fairy from the first chapter that I never saw again! Ho~ly shit!

She seems to recognize me, too. "You!?"

"Yo ho ho~!" I grandly, wastefully march towards her! "You Code-chan?"

Standing up, she pulls a small, pistol-like device from her pocket. "Dammi~t! Brittany, go!"

...Brittany doesn't go.

She pulls the trigger-

Fwaa~sh! Hoh, shit. Good thing I was too busy bein' an asshole to lift my visor earlier, or else this might've blinded me!

"Aaaa~h!" Scream, Maria, scream!

"Fuck…" Brittany rubs her eyes.

...Assuming I was blinded, the fairy rushes forward to grab her things, scooping them into a garbage can that was next to her desk, before lifting the entire thing- "Hu~p…" -and moving for the door-

I step in the way. "Son."

Cla-clank! She drops the trash can, stepping back from me. "Daa~h…! Wh- what the hell're you doing here, anyway? Get out…!"

"Yo yo yo, yo." I hold my arms up, accidentally showing I had a hanger ready for combat. That works! "Robot fairies. You did 'em!?"

"Fa~h…" She adjusts her glasses. "Robot… fairies? Hmm. That does sound like an interesting idea. Not that you can capture the stupidity of my sisters so easily..."

Daa~h. "...No, I mean, did you release robot fairies onto the world?"

...She raises a finger. "I released robots into the world, yeah. Not fairies, though."

Huh.

What's that s'posed ta mean!?

Brittany anxiously stretches a bit. "Codeci~. When can ya start work on my-"

Raising her hand, Code-chan shushes her with a smirk. "Wait."

Well, shit. Either she's a terrific actor, or I found the wrong asshole entirely. Oh, well! If she's releasing robots into the wild, I guess she's liable for a beatdown! Considering she respawns it'll be totally superficial, but-

"I'm not going to just let you walk away for this. Darling." Code-chan smirks wider. "I'm sure you remember my girls?"

Ehahah. Ki~nda…?

Maria steps up beside me, rubbing the lingering blindness from her eyes...

"Pl- uhm, please…" Speakin' up, she takes my side with her staff raised. "Code-chan. Um… we don't mean anything bad. We- we were just wondering-"

Cr- cr- crack. The wall behind Code-chan starts to give away.

Brittany throws herself against a wall. "Hoe~ shit! You still didn't fight that yet…!?"

That? Oo~h, boy. Well, I got a friendly albeit inexperienced magi with-

Boo~m!

Cabinets fall forward and wallpaper is shredded as a huge, cylindrical metal thing comes from the back wall. It has eight linked limbs…

One of the nub-like limbs extends out towards me. Inside is a fairy maid with earth green hair, flat cut bangs that go over her eyes, and shiny earth green lipstick. "Fuu~..." Only her head sticks out of whatever kinda freakin' cement mixer thing she's stuck inside...

Vhii~r! The base rotates, tilting the other limb towards me to show off the next identical fairy. "Hello~..."

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

The hallway is alive with the sound of our shoes pounding against the carpet!

"Hooo~h!" I got Million Bucks out, runnin' ahead!

"Omigod- omigod- omigod…!" Maria's stout 'n' sprite enough to keep up, even with that big dumb staff of hers…!

Bam, cra- crack! Bam- thud!

Behind us, the huge eight-pronged device whirls in our wake, spinning accelerating as it progressed towards us. It's knockin' paintings, vases, and stuff over!

"Come ba~ck…" One of the eight identical fairies speaks from inside their freakin' iron tombs along the machine.

Another one speaks in similar monotone. "We've been waiting…"

"We love you." A few speak simultaneously!

...Oh, hey! Genkan's ahead!

Ahead of us, the yuki-onna seems to be talking with a brown-haired maid, before turning to us…

Aw, dude, she's got Hard Winter wielded as well!

Her eyes slowly widen as we approach with the machine on our tails. "What is that…!?"

"It's a~... fu~ck!" Don't have time to articulate sentences! Ribs hurting… from running…!

She floats back with us as we run down the hallway-

"Woa~h!" Oh, hey, it's Mapleweather. How are you, Maple-friend…?

Kri- kri- kri~ing! Ice shit erupts from the ground behind us as we bolt forward!

Cra- cra- crack! Not sure if ice shattering or if that's wood shattering!

BAM

Woa~h. The hallway shook from that impact...

...We stop and look behind us. The cylindrical thing was now embedded in the hallway wall, but the lanky iron tombs were all positioned precariously so none of the fairies inside would get mulched.

"Arts…" The eight all speak simultaneously, the machine's limbs bobbing them back and forth. "Hazy Slips in Earth!"

...Brown and green earthy mist begins to set over the entire hallway. Once it fully initializes, the torch lights along the walls dim, and everything becomes pitch black, almost brown. You could make out distant things well 'cause of the green ozone-esque fog, though…

"Aaa~h!" Maria screamed! "Auh- Brad!? Yuki-onna~!?"

"...My name is Genkan." Yuki-onna spoke calmly in the fog.

"Am- am I drunk…?" Mapleweather's somewhere in the darkness.

Thu- thud, thud. She bumps into the walls as she retreats from the scene...

Well. Good spell card.

Putting away Million Bucks, I reinforce my grip on the Bawmber and pace towards where I'm pretty sure the noobs are.

"Thunder!" Maria casted what now?

Zap- zap- zap- zap! Things get zapped! I see the bolts, but they don't illuminate anything!

As I close in on the machine, its form is revealed by the sheen of metal. Nearing it-

Zap! A purple bolt arcs from it and strikes my leg as it progresses forward. "Yo~h shit!" I double back, half outta the stingin' sensation it left in me, and half from freakin'... surprise!

"Freeze!" That… was not Genkan. That was Maria, again.

Fwash! A shotgun spread of snowflakes was launched into somewhere. I didn't see shit, but I think she missed horribly.

Well, yo, if walking into them didn't work…

Reeling my arm back, I toss the Bawmber forward!

Boom! "Aaaa~h!" Yeah! I hit people!

"Thunder!" Maria does the spell caster things!

Zap- zap- zap- zap!

Kri~ng- Craa~ck… Genkan seems to have found it, because a force erupts from the floor that sends me falling onto my ass.

The fog lifts.

The eight fairies are now just in the air before us, looking idle now that they've been forcibly displaced from their metal tombs. A huge blade of ice has lopped off the limbs, and trapped the big canister device in a room adjacent to the hall.

"Alright, yo." I rub my hands together… "Stand dow~n, noobs…"

...The fairies hover closer towards me!

"Daa~h…" What do~. "Maria, shotgun 'em."

"Whah?" Her eyebrows furrow. Whaddaya mean 'whah'!?

"Blizzard, yo!" Ice spells- your ice spells- they sounded like they spread! Cast your- "Oomf!"

Thud. I'm pounced on by the fairies, who collectively pin me down. Woah…!

One of them adjusts herself to loom over my face, before giving me a small smile. "I've been waiting… for you."

Who~ are you…!?

I tilt my head to the side as she leans down-

"Mmm…" Her earth green lips press against my helmet. "Awah…"

Thu- thu- thud, thud. A few waves of her fabric fan later, Genkan frees me from the fairies with her icy winds. The stout fairies flopped to the side like soft nuggets…

...Bending over, Genkan swiftly picks me up with both arms, my hammer hanger floating beside her likely telekinetically.

I grin at her. "Heyo~."

...Idly, she rubs the spot on my visor where the fairy kissed me, rubbing off some of the earth green lipstick. "This mansion… is far different than I anticipated."

Yeah. You expected a hideout of the elite! You… were technically not wrong, but the elite don't do much. They drink tea, and drink tea… and drink tea. One of 'em reads.

As the fairies begin to rise, Maria focuses on them…

"Go for it, yo." I give her the go ahead! "Explosio~n!"

"Freeze!" Raising her staff like a mallet, Maria brings it down-

Fwa~sh!

Pi-pi-pi-pi~chun!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We're all takin' a nice sit down in one of the many unused lounge areas around the mansion.

Brittany's here, too. Ha-chan's still… somewhere.

"The atmosphere in here…" Genkan looks around at the dim candle lights. "I like it."

"Hoo~..." Brittany smiles at me over a cup of hot chocolate she got from somewhere while I was getting chased by a freakin' Decepticon. "Are these your… 'home girls'?"

Why do you have the hard questions. Probably 'cause you're me. "...Well, Maria's tiny, and Genkan's… huggable." I decide!

Brittany leers at Genkan's form. "...Huggable, alright. How often do you motorboat?"

Focusing on Brittany, Genkan snorts. "When did the discussion devolve?" If you blinked, you woulda missed it!

"Umm~..." Maria meditates like a buddhist monk! Nah, she's actually just being super indecisive. "So… that… incident?"

I shrug 'n' nod. "That was pretty much my lead! Chick was innocent enough, though." I also ignore Brittany's question, 'cause yeah…!

"Incident?" Brittany tilted her head. "Since when?" Girl, you never leave the house…!

"Since now." Maria actually shuts her down, somehow! "Um, there are robots outside. They're pretty scary."

"...There are some pretty interesting incidents around this time." Brittany considers. "I never really participated in any, y'know. Mostly just chilled out here…"

I clap my hands together! "Tell me what you know, yo!"

"Ew, no." She instantly looks away, frowning. "No spoilers. Noob."

Fuck. Wau~.

I turn to Genkan while we're idle. "Can we hug?"

"We~ll…" Floating up from her couch cushion, Genkan begins drifting off. "We should get moving, even if we haven't a lead."

...I stare at her fluffily, gettin' up and waltzing towards her-

Her gaze becomes dry as I near her. "...You know."

"Hi." I greet her.

She slides up to me-

Ooww~! Instead of giving me a normal hug, she gives me a bone crushing clamp with her arms…!

She floats up, lifting me off the ground-

Thud. She drops me onto my ass.

"There's your hug." Genkan fucked me up, yo…! "Wait until this incident is over before you start losing focus." Jee~z… "We're fortunate you found Code-ch-... Code by smashing a wall."

Standing up, I grin at her… "Hey, yo. It's always the NES-Zelda tier shit!"

Brittany snorts abruptly at my joke. "Fucking…"

"Come, Brad." Beckoning me, Genkan starts to drift off. "We're going to leave now. I'd rather we didn't spend a wealth of time under a vampire's watchful eye."

"What was that about my watchful eye?" Remilia's playful voice comes from ahead.

...Maria gets behind me and Genkan, clamming up.

Genkan tenses up. "...He- hello."

I wave at her lackadaisically. "Hello~, friend."

"Show her respect." Expression flaring, Genkan looks me over. "She will kill us if not."

Remilia grins widely. "Indeed. Now, if the three of you could-"

"Bend over backwards?" I give a suggestion! "I gotchu, fam." Turning around, I begin to bend-

"Brad!" Genkan grapples me, and turns me back around. "Not now!"

"Do- do as she sa~ys…!" Maria crouches behind us, shielding herself!

"Aaa~h, aaa~h!" I start yelling!

...After a moment of Genkan manhandling me and Maria quivering, we all stop to see Remilia's just facepalming before us, and has been for the past few moments.

So we eventually stop going insane, watching her instead.

...Once we've stopped, Remilia takes her hand off her face and just starts walking past us. "Seems I'm not the only one that outsider knows how to make a fool of."

...Stopping next to us, she turns to Genkan, eyes focused.

Genkan's eyes go wide, and her pupils contract. Frost starts to billow from her form…

"I'd like you to freeze some blood for me, some time." Remilia requests. "That ice fairy is unreliable and rowdy, and it's not every day I come across a yuki-onna."

"Ah?" Genkan's caught off guard by how trivial the request is…!

...After a moment, she replies. "Su- sure?"

Remilia smiles, and nods. "Good, good, I will hold you to that. Another time, though. If you hadn't noticed, we're having an… event outside, at the moment."

"...Ah." Genkan nods at this. "Okay."

With that, Remilia steps away from us. Brittany parts from the couch-laden clearing behind us to move after her.

I grin at my party smugly. "See, yo? Vampires ain't all that bad." Focusing on Genkan in particular, I get smugger. "I suppose you would jump to conclusions, though, yo~..."

Genkan slouches, giving me the most jaded of stares. "You're awful." Wahaha!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

END OF CHAPTER 68

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Fairy Slayer, Accidental Human Slayer, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Village Liberator, Eientei Crucible, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine, Sky Climber, Amateur Espionage Practitioner, Illegal Fairy Harborer, Conscientious Party Member, Winter Warrior, Holder of Too Many Titles.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Hard Winter - A earth/ice-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock; has a flower curved around the hilt. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. Allows casting of Gaia Seed. Casts Tundra, a weak spike of ice! Allows the user to cast Ice Shard. Extends combo length by one artificially. Allows the user to jump out out of combos smoothly, and leave frost in their trail.

INVENTORY:

[Bag of Holding] - A small bag that always seems to be conveniently unaffected by whatever weird crap happens to me. Never enlarges, almost always gives me what I need if I remember it's there. Infinite inventory space. I would like to know where it actually puts all my stuff though…

==o==

WEAPONS:

Swordbreaker - Dark elemental plant hanger. Boosts the power of dark skills. Has a curvy, fancy design that lets it easily counter swords! It better, with a name like 'Swordbreaker'. Provides a weak but passive boost to defense, magical defense, and evade. Lowers the attack of foes as its on-impact effect.

Youkai Inconveniencer - A holy plant hanger, which works as a flail 'cause of the cross necklaces attached to it! May cast Flash, an attack that blinds; works best on darkness elementals and youkai. Acts as a flashlight via candles. Converted to a flail with cross necklaces! Can cast Shine.

Fairy Harp - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can cast Gust. By the addition of a steel block, its attack and magic attack increased slightly. Sparkles in the light due to fairy dust, able to reduce the accuracy of weak, biological enemies by irritating their senses with the dust. Can play beautiful, flat-tone musi~c!

Flame Salvo - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Boosts the power of fire skills. Ignites stuff on impact. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Has a flamethrower nozzle, allowing the user to cast Flamethrower Plus! Allows the user to cast Fume.

Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.

Deep Blue - A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Can produce limitless fresh water. Boosts the power of water skills. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Sharper Than Darkness - A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon style; physical attack increased, physical defense lowered. User bleeds out faster. Can cast Revenge, an attack that increases in power the lower the user's health is. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to let it cut!

Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.

Million Bucks - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger, from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion. It's a gift from Flandre Scarlet! Has an obsolete map of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Lowers defense slightly. With added electric and holy charms, the hanger is slightly electric and holy elemental. Is able to fluidly chain attacks for stringing together longer aerial and ground combos. Allows the user to fluidly transition from combo to jumping. Allows forced aerial combo support. Grants the user the ability to air slide. Increased jump height when running. Gives motion sickness with avid use!

Market Gardener - Critical hits during blast jumps! Otherwise, it's just a normal, old plant hanger. Named after a very similar shovel…!

NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please. Unless you're surrounded by fairies who don't know the difference- but y'know- that opportunity's a freakin' million to one.

NERF longsword - 'CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals'… you know what that means! Maybe one day this will actually come in handy…

==o==

ARMOR:

Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! Seventy-five percent time resistance on equip. Voice, face, and height specifications not included!

Monk Robes - Wear to become a Buddhist! Actually pretty comfy…!

Remilia Scarlet's Mob Cap - Twenty five percent dark resistance. Lets me be a Touhou, too!

Camouflage Kimono - This kimono means business, son. One hundred percent ice resistance, and as such renders me immune to all magical ice damage. Dunno 'bout icicles and stuff, though. Fifty percent freeze resistance… not that freezing will hurt me with this thing on. Fifty percent dark resistance. Negative fifty percent fire and burning resistance. Hopefully hides me a bit when navigating in the freakin' brush...

Yellow Racecar Helmet - It's like a really knockoff space marine helmet! Fifty percent sun resistance, one hundred percent freezing and blinding resistance. Also gives immunity to electrical stunning. It feels like it's got good physical defense, too… at least for my head.

Lunarian Prototype Space Suit - A suit meant for combat in deep space. So far, it's only got the whole 'exist in deep space' part down…! One hundred percent electric resistant. One hundred percent freezing resistant. Has an oxygen tank, but that's only useful if you wear the helmet to go along with it. Randomly casts Zero Gravity when it feels like it.

Lunarian Prototype Deep Space Helmet - It's a freakin' helmet. Fifty percent blinding resistant! When worn with the Lunarian Prototype Space Suit, it also confers immunity to burning and poison, along with another one hundred percent electricity resistance. Yo…!

Testing Oxygen Tank - The oxygen tank used by the Lunarian Prototype Space Suit. Lasts for two and a half minutes! Not meant to actually be used outside of testing, but it's possible. Refills automatically in breathable air.

MP Prize Pin - A badge that allows the user to drain some of the enemy's mana, forcing it to become mana prizes on the field. For awhile only the user(s) of this badge may pick them up, but after a grace period anyone can. Extends prize grabbing range!

Sun Badge - Fifteen percent sun resistance when equipped. Fifty percent resistance to blinding and electrical stunning. Replaces the on-impact effect of all weapons with Sunfire Flare when worn.

==o==

CONSUMABLES/OTHER:

Forty-one thousand, two hundred Yen - ...Yeah, just in a bag. It's about time I documented how much freakin' money I have!

Seven Health Potions - They give you youkai-like regen for like, thirty seconds! No chuggin' these babies to indefinitely survive the cold reaches of outer space. Unless the regen outdoes the asphyxiation, but I think I'd rather die by that point…

Mega Potion - Youkai-like regen for thirty seconds… except for the whole family! Applies to entire party. Good for when we all suck at life!

Four Mana Potions - Restores an average amount of mana, I think. More than enough for someone like me!

Three Panaceas - Cures all status effects. I dunno if it works on debuffs, though...

WebDings Book about Foreign Juices - Wahaha! This better fetch a price on the market!

Akihito's Broadsword - Too big for me to use as a weapon. I wonder if I could use it as like, a tent stake or something.

Butterfly Dream Pills - Makes you dream of being a beautiful butterfly!... now, if only there was a pill for lucid or wet dreams, and then I'd consider Yagokoro the doctor to end all doctors!

Rope of Red Bikinis - Wahaha! Gonna getcha, son!

PARTY:

London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks, both the magical and physical variety. Has lance, can shoot danmaku. Variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly. I really have to remember to use her, at some point!

PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. London shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.

==o==

Hana, the Electric Fairy Maid - A cuddleable fairy who's stalked me for awhile. She's lovable, dude. Healed by electrical damage! Casts tiny bolts of electricity as her attack these days…

PRIMARY WEAPON: Zap!

INVENTORY:

Probably rocks - Yeah.

Winter Mittens - Aww. Keeps hands from freezing.

Winter Coat - Where does she store this when it's not on…?

[unknown space remaining]

==o==

Genkan, the Yuki-onna - A bitter yuki-onna from Gensokyo's wildlands, mostly active in the winter, and on particularly cold days. Probably heals from ice damage. Commands powerful control over frost, and has a wide variety of ice-affinity attacks. Weak to fire and burning.

SKILLS:

Freeze - Instantly freezes one to two enemies. Low chance of working on stronger foes.

Creaking Freeze - Generates a spinning, magic snowflake in an enemy's body, which instantly freezes them after a moment. High accuracy.

Glacier - Erects a massive blade of ice from the ground, dealing incredible physical ice damage.

Ice Spin - Spins and lashes out with chilling frost. Probably just an extension of her normal frost powers and not an actual skill…

Other Skills - Probably has more spells, but freakin'... I dunno her like a textbook!

INVENTORY:

Red Kimono - It's got floral decorations…!

Money - Apparently.

I dunno - What would I~ have if I was a sexy ice woman?

[unknown spaces remaining]

==o==

Maria, the Actually Ordinary Magician - A villager from the human village. Used to run the most impoverished bar ever, but that fell under or something. Really low self-esteem! No known resistances or weaknesses. Can cast basic elemental spells!

INVENTORY:

Wood Staff - Good for bonking things!

Raggedy Clothing - Low quality, old clothes from the village. Keeps her covered.

[Travel Bag] - Inventory that exists! Does not take up inventory because it is inventory. Eight slots.

Three Health Potions - Heals, yo. Youkai-like regen for some seconds, blah blah blah.

Three Mana Potions - Guess wha~t? It heals, except mana!

Elixir - Powerful potion that restores all health and mana. Effects only start becoming noticeably limited if you're like, Yuuka Kazami.

Survival Items - Motherly bread, water, the good stuff.

[no space remaining]

==o==

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

guess what yo an incident begins who'd've thought it

it does give me a good reason to run around with genkan though - w - and it's fun to break her icy charisma now and then

it may not seem very eventful now but i'm plannin' on kickin' up the intensity, just gradually; i think there was enough humor to compensate though

finding a place in the group for maria is precarious because she's very quiet and reserved and has a very realistically indecisive personality; she just wants to get by saying nothing ever

considering this is gensokyo yo though we'll find some way to crack her shell

...not much else to say other than that there were fun exchanges - w -

i obsessed over the introduction with maria for too long to not wanna know how it made you guys feel; i just feel like i didn't quite achieve the impact i wanted but i feel it's still good for what it is

this chapter conceptually took a major turn after i decided to buckle down on a chain of events and work with new concepts related to reducing meaningless action; while this chapter still has some it's mitigated to a more world-building and transparent, almost observational role rather than a page-eating sole focus

that and Genkan's OPness allows us to skip drawn out combat currently which gives me better control to pace things - w -

my original plan in the village was to wake up to fight the guards that would come but instead ai just had sekibanki go like "yeah they came by and left" so i could set my mojo in motion - w -

so yeah

as always, see you all next time!