(in which we have the great family feast)
The sun sat- or at least I think. Freakin'... overcast! Anyway, the sun sat as the three of us moseyed on along to the village gates again. The fog was sedate, allowing wide, generous range around us to see.
Me, Genkan 'n' Maria are on our way back to the village. The big girls in charge wanted to clean up stuff, and a giant metal factory is not an easy place to dismantle…!
Drip, drip. The way back to the village was really peaceful. Like… nothing. No youkai, no birds, no fairies raisin' hell. Just the idle sounds of water dripping from something on a tree we're passin', and our footsteps.
As we proceeded onto the Bamboo Forest to Human Village path, something we did by freakin' grazing the plains off Youkai Mountain, Genkan began to look over us…
"It's been fun." She gives us a smile. "...However, I need to… nap, recuperate, among other things."
"No problem, yo." I give her a thumbs up! "Don't let the gorillas in the mist take you away, dude."
Snorting, she shakes her head and begins drifting off the side of the path. "I will make an effort."
"Have fu~n!" Oh, yeah, Ha-chan got better when we left the factory. Freakin'... fairies have some kinda intimate connection with nature that big metal disasters can fuck with, apparently.
"Bye…!" Maria gives her a wave!
...With that, Genkan escaped… for now! Wahaha~!
After some lazy walking, we come up to the village gate in the dim evening…
The guard there just looks tired. Aw, yo…
Stepping up to him, I slide my visor up. "Hey, son."
"Go away." The armored, pike-armed dude just kinda kept relaxin' against the gate. "We~ do'h li~ your ki-... nd…"
…
"Son." I step up to him! "If ya don't let us in yo, if ya don't let us in- I'm gonna scream. I'm gonna scream, really loudly at you!"
"Don't..." He begs of me, eyes pretty much closed.
...Turning softly to Maria, I smile at her.
...After staring at her long enough to make her wonder if I was staring at someone else, I speak warmly in whisper. "Aw, look yo. Little noobie's sawing logs…"
Glancing back at him, nodding gingerly, I try to convince Maria of a premise! "Isn't it cute, yo?"
...Maria just gives me a glance, before holding her staff tightly. "...Ki- kinda."
...Nodding, I slowly reach into my bag, and pull out the Bawmber. I hold it up to my lips… "Shh~..."
Maria looks at me with worry.
Stepping up to the sleeping angel, I reel my hanger back…
…
And-
Boom! Boom! Boom!
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
We walk up to the gate again, me in my monk robes this time, and Ha-chan clad in a bush we found. Yeah, we just fuckin' yanked it up. No one will know, dude, no one will know.
The guard was margins more awake now than before! Half of him was covered in mud for undiscerned reasons, and his helmet was still hanging half off his head, charred faintly.
Pissed off, the dude leaned against the gate with his arms folded, glaring at us as we approached…
"Ah- I- Hello! Hello, sir!" Time to speak in an indian accent! "We- I buy you two fish gate access pleese?" Pleese, yo.
...He just blinks at me, face sour. "Fuckin' monkey." Wat. ...Oh, shit, now I get it! I'm in monk robes, and…!
"Me- me and my friend would like inside…" Maria speaks up uncertainly. "If- if that's alright with you…"
"Fine." The guard moved towards the gate reel. "One of these days, the captain'll bar all youkai from the village. That means you, monkey." He focuses on me as he says that…!
...Briefly turning to the bush inconspicuously on the path behind me and Maria, I grin back at him and start movin' to cooperate with my fairy friend... "I wi~ll subdue you with this bush, son."
...With that gate reel up halfway, he turns to us. "The fuck're-"
Fwish! Me and Ha-chan quickly work together to toss the bush on him!
"Oh- fuck- what- fuck...!" Freaking out, he slaps his arms against the bush like it's some kind of monster, cringing back…!
Getting down on the- oh shit I didn't think this through- muddy ground, I start crawling. "Ma- Maria, get in!"
"Freeze!" Oh, fuck-
Fwash! Ea~sy! You nearly freakin'... chilled me! She basically shot her shotgun spread of ice stuff into the mud, freezing it.
Getting down on all fours, she crawled under the gate, sliding across the frozen mud and getting out clean. Man, now I'm all covered in crappy shit…
Ha-chan slides under, too…
The guard finally works out how to fight a bush. "You! You three!"
"Let's go…!" I begin running into the alleys! Fu~ck the town guard, dude, fuck it!
Maria sprints behind me, frazzled…!
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
Why's everything wet? Did it just rain while we were fighting the big booby or what?
As we progress down the alleys, we pass some freakin'... stupid-looking gutter system. Like, just some disjointed gutter system next to a house that just transports water and dumps it into a puddle. It's rusty, and is… just a bunch of metal half-shafts in a framework next to a house. What is this…!?
As the night starts to set in, the fog's almost all gone. I can see the stars, kind of!
"We, um…" Maria spoke up in the darkness, yo. "Should… we go to Marcus's house? I'm… not sure if that'd be polite, or- or okay, but..." Then, she focuses on me! "Oh, I'm sorry- do you have a house?"
I nod. "Yeah, yo. My roof is the sky, and my floor is the dirt." Technically, the Hakurei barrier is my roof…!
"...You don't have a house?" Maria seems in vague disbelief about this. "Where do you live?"
"I don't." I smile at her. "They got me, dude."
Smilin' and shakin' her head, she starts leading… "I- I guess we'll go to Marcus's…"
Now that I think about it… "Don't you have a house, yo?"
Freezing in place for a moment, she looks away. "You... could say that."
...Aw, it's the foster folks, innit? "We should crash there, dude."
She turns to me. "We- we can't. They wouldn't let you, and-..."
I shake my head. "Wouldn't let me, huh? They wouldn't, but… the real question is if they couldn't."
"I…" Maria clams up! "You- you shouldn't. You'll ruin your name…"
Aw, dude, my name! Brad the nonexistent will forever be licensed as a scoundrel dude. 'Cause people can tell with this neon yellow helmet... that I don't have on right now, but could put on at a moment's notice!
"Aa~h, what's in a name, yo?" I wave off the notion! "I wanna meet the family!"
Maria snorts. "Yeah, family- look, Brad… I- I know how I made it sound, but it's fine, really."
Oh, s'that so.
...Reading my skepticism, she furrows her brows. "They… I- I just don't like them, is all. They're…"
...
They're...? That's a nice sentence, dude. Wish I could've said something like that.
"Nah, son, I wanna feast my eyes, dude. I mean…" Actually, as I say this, I start ta get some kinda idea… "What if you go in first, and I show up as some stranger moments later?"
"Ah…" She blinks at me. "Well- why does it even matter? Don't you have, um, things to do?"
"No." I shake my head…! "Look, yo, ya made 'em sound like jerks! And, if they're really jerks…" I pat my sack. "I'll mediate the situation, dude."
…
"We- we'll go with that idea, then." Maria's decisive, dude! "You show up later… so if you do anything… weird, I won't be blamed or anything. But… you really don't have to, if you don't want to. I- I… I'm sure, um, everyone has problems with their… guardians, sometimes."
You can't even call them parents. "...I dare ya to call them family."
…
No response? Not vocally, anyway. She just kinda looked away and pretended I said nothing.
"Let's… go." She begins to move. "Oh- and, um…" Pausing, she takes out her money that Kirisame gave her, and hands it to me. "Ho- hold onto this, for now. My… people I live with are going to search my pockets."
"Du~de…" I nod at her gingerly, accepting her coins to hide them inside my fluff bag. "What if they found the Ark of the Covenant on you, dude? What would they do then?"
"The- the what." She gives me a blank, semi-amused stare…! "Just follow me…"
...We move from the back alleys near Kirisame's drug magic store, and start meanderin' down the road.
After a short while of passing some armored dudes and pedestrians on the main-closest-to-the-path-to-Eientei, we near an alley close to the main road and start down it.
"Aw, you live in the ghetto alleys, dude." I start walking with obnoxiously long and wasteful yet sluggish strides. "Among the gongsters."
...Giving my form a blunt once over, Maria looks ahead quietly.
"Here." After her nearly inaudible statement, she starts to slow down before some house thing…
Two stories! This building… has two tales to it, dude. Two generations. On that note, however, it has fucking no windows, so lot of good all of that does it. Okay, it has a few, but…
"They always lock their doors." Maria notes, stopping to prop her staff's base outside among the mud. "You can't get in without confronting them first." Unless you break shit, presumably, but that kinda ruins the point dunnit…
Dusting herself off, she steps up to the porch and knocks while I move to the side and act all sneaky…
…
Crea~k. The wooden door swings open, a~nd…!
A tall, poofily dressed dude with long, pale hair steps out. "What is it?" Guy's got blue freakin' old british navy crap on, and you'd think him an elf if his ears weren't normal.
...Looking Maria over, he nods. "Oh. Oh, you. Get inside, we've been looking for you. Mother and father, that is. You've caused a mess, and now you're going to deal with it."
...Staring down, Maria complies. "Ok- okay…"
...After she steps inside, the poofy dude goes in and closes the door behind himself. I'll give it a few minutes, and then go up…
…
I hear footsteps in the wet dirt path behind me. Freakin'-
"Brad-kun!" Oh! Where the fuck'd you go after we got inside? When we went into the alleys you just kinda got lost or some shit…!
Turning to Ha-chan, I hold a finger to my lips…! "Shh~, yo. We're huntin' wabbits…!"
"Ooo~!" She keeps her exclamations to an excited minimum! "...What's a wabbit?"
"Over here…" I start stepping around the house, to the like one of three windows they have among the entire freakin' place. It's up awkwardly high, between the first and second floor for some demented reason, so I can't just easily peer in, but…
I jump! I see some figures inside-
Splap. I land in the mud again. Fuckin'... no man's lawn land.
...Turnin' to Ha-chan, I gesture to the window and grin. "Look, yo. In about ten minutes, I want you to fly through this window. We'll be able ta catch them wabbits then…!"
Ha-chan salutes! "Yeah! I'll catch all the wabbits!"
Alright, son, let's get this show on the road…!
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
Knock knock.
Standing outside the door of their relatively featureless but imposing home, I stand in my muddy ass monk robes, hands in my pockets like a criminal.
…
"Tax collector." The man in the fucking admiral outfit from before swings the door open. "I have my-..."
"Huhe~y, son." I give him a friendly wave. "I'm doctor superteeth, son…!"
…
"Vile monk." He scoffs at my dress. "What do you want? If you do not see, I'm an intern among the village council."
That's cool. "...I wasn't kiddin' when I said I was a docta'. Got word one of you here was sick and stuff."
"Who, then?" He leans against the doorframe, looking tired. "My family and I are busy."
"The short girl, got a fever." I rub my head! "Guard did told me so, yeah?"
"She will be fine." The man misses no beats…! "Good day-"
I stick my foot in the door. "No~w you wait just a moment, sir!"
Swinging the door open again, he pulls out a dagger! "If you aim to disrupt this household your blood will be the only thing that's disrupted. Reconsider your actions, youkai, for I am a spellsword."
We got a badass over here…! "No~w, I wasn't plannin' on any of that. Son, I'm a docta'. You got too much fuzzy earwax in those elf drums 'a yers or what?"
...I think I've offended him. He looks… a little less than happy! Not that he was very happy before…!
After a delayed moment, he lowers his dagger. "Who do you work for? I'll see you fired."
Check the monk robes, my boy. "Oh, I believe they call her…" I raise my hands! "Byakuren Hijiri."
…
"Such is why the monk presence must be excluded from the village. We haven't the tools, at this very moment…" Looking focused, he stares into the air beside me. "...Well. Thank you for your concern, but the child is fine."
"Boy, no she ain't!" Stop trying to crush my foot son…! "I saw her! I do got a license to mandate check-ups, dude. It's in that u~h- that one section on medicinal practices. They put it in when the bunny people rolled around." Total bullshit!
...Giving me a skeptical look, the man frowns and nods. "What is the reprimand for turning the doctor away?"
Fifty days in the pokey. "A stern fine. If ya heard about that guard who lives on the street now," which is probably a lot of them, "that was me when he prevented my check-up. Mothafucka didn't know."
"Dirty…" Expression flaring, the man almost looks like he's about to tackle me, before stopping himself. "At least you're literate, then. Stay no longer than necessary." Check, a~nd mate! Dude's pissed, but that's alright!
I step inside. These dudes actually got furniture. That's different from all the other villagers I've seen so far!
Desks with parchment and pens, chairs, random potted plants…
"Don't even think about it." Elf-ass dude warns me about something.
"You imply I think, son." Now, where've they got Maria…?"
He snorts. Oo~h, liked that one, didja?
After moving through the front, dusty-ass room, I get into the dusty-ass dining room. What's with these dull green carpets?
In the dining room, I see Maria standing to the left. She's before a wide but tubby staircase which goes up to a higher landing, where that awkward ass window is placed. To the right's the actual dining table, where they've got living fossils on display.
"Sanjiro~, who is this you've invited into our home!?" For fossils, they sure know how to rattle…!
"It is mandated by law!" Sanjiro contests! "Do you wish to be fined!?"
"Law!?" This guy's gonna holler his lungs out, dude…! "What law!?"
I glance over at Maria. She looks like she didn't anticipate this for some reason…!
"One of the recent ones." Sanjiro lowers his tone, but still speaks solidly. "Founded after that youkai clinic was founded in the village, by the meddling of the teacher."
"I~'ve never heard of any law like that!" I will name this man 'the man who yells', or 'yelling man' for short.
...Sanjiro looks down. What, you're gonna pussy out now!?
Standing up, the burly but aged looking- holy crap that's a poofy coat- the big guy gets up and starts rounding the ornate table… "Back when I served, there was no such thing-"
"Son, back up…!" I reach for my bag as the big dude approaches…! "I'll have ya fined, son! Issa new law! New law!"
...Slowing down, the man glowers at me. "Na~me the section!"
I pat myself. "I'm a fuckin' dirty youkai, dude. You expect me to name the sections? Do you know your enemy, man?"
"Of cou~rse I do! I've dedicated my life!" He slams his arm on the nearby table! "Then, how are you to say- that you know law!? Have you ever read a book in your short life!?"
"I serve unda' the holy scripture a fuckin' Byakuren Hijrii, son!" Throwing names around like holy water! "'Course I know how ta read shit! I read buddhanese, dude."
Red in the face, the guy glares at the table, then at Sanjiro, then at Maria, then at me. Who's to blame, yo, who's to blame?
"She taught me law, too." I add like a cheeky bastard. "Taught me law real good. S'why I'm a licensed docta', son. It'sa big conspiracy!"
"Burn in hell." Pfft. Yeah, you're cool…! "...Well, if you're a doctor, you must have a patient." He glares at Maria before she's even brought into the equation.
"He's here for Maria." Sanjiro only chooses now to speak again. Bo~y…
"...I knew it." The old man who yells shakes his head, looking down. "No good Yamadas can't even turn out a daughter right."
Oo~h, shit. I glance back at Maria, only to see her starin' at the floor herself.
"Well, doctor, what's wrong, then?" Pulling out a chair, the guy slowly hobbles around to sit in it. "Aa~h. She broken? She pregnant?"
Son. "...S'a fever. Probably 'cause-"
"Did you check if she was pregnant?" Son, what is it with you…!?
"Sure." I throw my arms into the air! "Grabbed her by the pussy, looked real fuckin' deep, not pregnant."
"If you say so." He frowns. "Fevers are a sign, you know."
Fevers are a sign of a lot of things, son. Also holy shit, did- did what I say just go over his head…!? Freakin', du~de…
...After a moment of me just staring at him like he had two heads, he spoke again. "Go on, then. Check her up. We're busy folk, you know. Not that you would know…"
Yeah, yo. Turnin' to Maria, I gesture to the door. "C'mon, yo-"
"Perform it in here!" Do ya have ta yell, old man!?
...Maria makes for one of the chairs-
"Not the good chairs." He speaks up! "Sanjiro, fetch the stools from the back."
"Yes, father." Sanjiro begins marching off like a freakin' robot.
I just noticed the 'mom' again. She's sitting at the end of the table, next to the father's previous position, still as a bloody statue.
...Stepping over to one of the 'good chairs', I raise my leg and put my dirty ass shoe on it.
"You will pay for that." Pfft…! Now I done did it, son!
...Despite how dramatic that line sounds, he probably legitimately meant money stuffs.
A moment later, Sanjiro comes back with the stool, and plops it down-
Clack! -loudly next to Maria, before stepping back again. "Sit down." Oh, man, that's the worst. Commanding someone to do something before they would've done it anyway, and then likely taking solace in the fact it happened even though it would've happened without your input. Everything else he did up to this point was forgettable, but this, yo…!
As Maria sits down, I give Sanjiro the stink-eye, yo. "...By, the way, Sanji~ro."
"Our family name is Coda and you shall respect it." Old yelling guy lays down the ground rule!
...Looking back at Sanjiro, I smile. "Sinjeero coopadoopa."
"Get on with it." Sanjiro's frustrated! Not that that's not how he is normally…
...Kneeling down next to the sitting Maria, I take out Fairy Harp, and start plucking some strings…
twing.
…
twing…
…
twi-twing…
…
twing.
The mother finally speaks. "I do not recognize that medicinal practice." ...Beep boop, I-am-a-robot!
I look up at her like she's fookin' stoopid. "I'm checking the acoustics. Ah, you wouldn't know, yo. Issa- issa new thing."
The two men are just looking progressively angry at life. Aw…
…
Bringing up the tip of Fairy Harp, I lightly tap Maria's knee, causing it to jerk. "Honh, honh." ...I tap it again! "Honh." ...And again! "Honh, honh…!"
"What is this." The old guy's catchin' on…!
I turn to him. "Son- for all we know, yelling could bring out the worst, dude. I would recommend aa~h, not yelling for two to three-"
"Wha~t!" He yells more just to yell, rather than as a question. "What was tha~t!?"
...I just give 'em one 'a those looks. Freakin'...!
...Hmm. Idly, I keep tapping Maria's knee with my hanger. Freakin'... where should I take it from-
Cra~ck! The awkwardly placed back window shatters! Oh, shit, I forgot about that…!
"I~ will hunt the wabbits!" Ha-chan flies into the room like a magical fairy person!
"What the he~ll!?" Old guy gets up and bowls his chair over in doing so! "Assassin!" It's a fuckin' fairy, dude…
Sanjiro draws his dagger and pretty much just backs into the other room. Yup, see ya…!
"I'll- I'll get the gun…!" The mother gets up and hobbles off into another room.
Clack! Ha-chan lands on the table! "...Where're the wabbits?"
"Fucking di~e!" Yelling loud enough to make Ha-chan flinch, the old guy runs at the table, and freakin' leaps.
Ha-chan floats back-
Bam! He flops onto the table, knocking over fancy shit that was placed on it, before sliding off and stumbling back. "Gods…!"
Sanjiro comes back into the room with a sword that's way too big for him! "Her blood is mine!" ...A~nd just stands there, looking intimidated. It- it's a fairy…
The mother slips back into the room-
POW
...Don't know where that went, but no one got hit! Nice musket. Wow, it's like, decorated in silver and shit too.
"No…" Feverishly, she falls back into the corner of the room, moving to reload the musket.
"What do you wa~nt!?" Big guy in charge yells at Ha-chan!
"Wa- wabbits!?" Ha-chan doesn't know why there's yelling!
"What do you wa~nt!?" You asked that already…!
"Hunt wabbits!" Ha-chan looks half-intimidated, and half-confused!
"Tell me what you wa~nt!" Dude, you're gonna knock yourself out at this rate…
"Stop yelli~ng!" Ha-chan contests him for top-yeller!
Standing up, I swallow my saliva, and try to project my voice from my stomach to actually yell at all…! "A~nd in came, a fi~re sumo~!" I'm just adding to the noise to add to it…!
Sanjiro bolts forward-
Bam! -and hits the table with his sword. "Go away!"
...Do these three grown ass people not know how to deal with a fucking fairy? Like, for real?
Old guy moves to climb onto the table! Once he's halfway on, Ha-chan floats off of it-
Cla- thud! It tips over and splays him out onto the floor. "Ngh…!"
"Father!" Sanjiro calls out for him, but doesn't actually do anything. "Father, are you well!?" He just tipped over.
"No- no~!" Yell louder! "Youkai in my hou~se!"
...I look over at Maria. She doesn't even know what to think. Raised eyebrows!
"Do not worry!" I think I'm gonna intervene so this actually ends, and before that old fuck has a heart attack and we're blamed for it or something… "I~... know this youkai personally!"
Turning to me, Sanjiro brings up his blade-
Clang! I block the big bulky sword with Fairy Harp. "Son- I can kick her out if you let me! I swear it!"
"Fraud!" He barks at me! "You- this-..." Looking at Maria, he frowns deeper. "Bitch!"
Maria just steps back a little…
"This would have never- ngh…!" This dude's as weak as I am, so we're at a draw!
...Channeling mana into Fairy Harp, I make it unleash wind!
Woosh! Fairy dust wind, son.
"Achoo!" Sanjiro sneezes-
I slip past him and let the sword fall to my side.
Well, this quickly turned to shit!
"A- achoo…!" Good game, Sanji-bo~y!
As he has a sneezing fit, I look over at Ha-chan, who's staring at me expectantly…!
I make frantic motions for the window! I mouth things, but they aren't coherent things!
Nodding like this were freakin' obvious, she starts floating for the window… "I'm, um… gonna go~...!"
"Get out get out get ou~t! Kauh- kauf..." Good job. You've yelled your esophagus out.
Placing her hands over her mouth, Ha-chan floats back out the window with a silly grin on her face.
…
Cla-clack. The mother just throws the half-reloaded musket on the ground, giving up. "Useless…"
Sanjiro's eyes are still watery. "Gah…"
...The old guy starts to get up, having notable difficulty with going from crouched to standing. "Hrr~gh…"
"Hello, friends…" I greet the nugget company as they begin to stand.
...Eyes wide, the old guy addresses me! "Who in the hell are you?"
"Doctor dynamite superteeth, son." I clack my teeth together multiple times for effect. "My patient has something she wants to tell you." I put Maria on the spot!
…
"I- I do!?" Maria looks over at me!
"Yeah, yo." I nod warmly. "Tell the family, dude."
"What is this…!?" The old guy glares her down!
Sanjiro brings his sword up again, stumbling back a little as he lifts it up over his shoulder. Son…
The mother just rounds the table and stares at Maria like an angry turkey.
"...Uh- uhm…" Maria looks around for an escape, but there's no escape, son. It's pedal to the mettle time!
…
"Out with it!" I'm winded just from him yelling…!
Maria blinks at him rapidly!
…
…
...
I turn to her. "Y'know, this cutscene ain't gonna advance unless ya pick an option." Don't take too long, now! I'd rather not be here when they have to take showers mid-dialogue because you sat the 3DS down and fell asleep…!
"What…?" She looks over at me, before looking at them. "I- I… I still practice magic-"
"I'll kill him!" Shaking his head, the old guy goes for the door. "Marcus Kirisame, that damned witch creator! He's poisoned you, hasn't he!?"
"He's nicer than you!" Maria bites back!
"Nice!?" He jerks his head back! "That's what you think! Then he makes you into a witch, then there ain't no going back!" He dropped some of his fancy dialect, son. That's how you know he's serious!
"What's bad about being a witch, even!?" Maria knows how to yell, too! "You- Youkai don't… seem as evil as everyone says!"
...Whelp. Judging by how staggered these dudes look, I think that was the straw that broke the camel's back…!
…
"I think you need to leave." Old guy addresses me. "We need a moment with her."
"No can do, son." I cross my arms and spread 'em out again! "Doctor dynamite superteeth always finishes a check-up…!"
"I'll kill every last one of you, and I'd do it again. Lord knows I did it twenty summod years ago." Exhaling, the old guy stepped back… "If- if only I had my horse and my blade. That damned…"
Dude's shot.
"...I'm... going to get my things and go." Maria states. "I know the village law is that I stay, but… screw it. Let them… let them come for me." She knows she's got the firepower to back it up, too! Strength in numbe~rs!
"You will not leave!" The man stomps towards us! "You are not allowed to leave!"
Ploppin' Fairy Harp into Maria's arms, I reach into my bag for Hard Winter. "Ah ah ah, son. Guess what?"
...Oh, fuck, he's flaring his nostrils at me dude. Now I'm really in for it.
"You didn't say the magic word, dude." I smile at him warmly.
Oo~h. Watch 'em flex those eyebrows…!
"Oh, yeah, I'm not a doctor." I reveal. "Maria's a magician," I gesture to her. "We left the village to fight robots, and we became friends with a yuki-onna."
"Haa~h!" Oh holy shit-
Woa~h! Buffing myself up with Hard Winter only helps so much…! For an old dude, he's got arms…!
Cla-clank! Fairy Harp's cast aside by Maria-
"Freeze!" She bolts up to him as he tries to mangle Hard Winter from me-
Fwa~sh!
"Gnn~h…!" Partially frozen, the dude spiralled over, almost taking me with him. Freakin'...!
"Freeze!" Frantic, Maria holds her hands out over the guy-
Fwa~sh! More ice!
"Freeze!" Is she crying?
Fwa~sh! Say uh-
"Fr- freeze...!" Gritting her teeth, she fires more ice from her hands.
Fwa~sh!
...Whelp, u~h, he's probably unconscious. Good for him.
"Dear gods…" The mother moved back for the fucked up musket. Hohoyea~h okay, not gonna let'cha finish up with that…
Rollin' and standin' from the freakin' now-comatose old dude, I awkwardly move towards her-
Sanjiro stands in my way. He doesn't bother to say anything, but looks ruffled up as hell…
I slam Hard Winter into the floor, channeling mana into it. What the hell kinda spell's Ice Shard?
From here, I see an icicle generate in the midst of Sanjiro's form-
Cli-cli-click. A myriad of tiny icicles generate outward from it in the air-
"Gaa~gh!" Apparently it causes indescribable stomach pain, because he just collapsed onto the floor after the ice immediately thawed. Weird ice spell…
...Whelp! I start to walk over to the mother-
"Thunder!" Yo Maria chill-
Zap- Zap- Zap- Zap! Buncha tiny bolts in the room!
"Anhah- anh…" The mother is struck by one, and flops over. Tha~t one could've been a fatality, but don't quote me on that.
...Whelp, we've accidentally'd a family. Not that they were a very nice family, bu~t…!
"A- aah…" Oh, Maria's still crying for some reason. "I- I hate you…" Ah? Oh, she's looking at the folks…
Her hands look kinda fucked up, shaking and coated with thick chunks of ice, probably from casting without her staff. Nothing a potion and some hot cocoa won't fix up, yo…
Out of curiosity, I walk up to the older woman and check her pulse… y'know, with that wrist technique thing-
Oh, she's still alive. I doubted Maria's zappy bolts could actually fry a boy, all things considered.
"Good news is, we ain't gettin' arrested for homicide!" I inform Maria! "I think…! Bad news is, this is probably some kind of crime."
"Wh- whatever…" Maria tries to rub her eyes, only to have to do it with her elbows since her hands are fucked up. "Do- do you have a house? We- we need to leave..."
"Good guess!" I grin at her, standing up from the zapped windbag… "But no, I~ sleep wherever I lay my head, yo."
…
She shudders, going for the nearest nice looking chair. "Wh- what am I going to do…"
I step up and rub my shoes all over one of the undisturbed nice chairs. Came into their house, beat 'em up, and freakin'... rubbed our shoes on their chairs.
"We're-... we have to leave, Brad." Maria looks up at me rather hopelessly. "We can't stay here. We screwed it all up…"
I wave off the notion. "Aa~h. Y'know, y'want my honest opinion?"
"Wh- what…? What is it?" She perks up slightly!
"Put on some of the poofy-but-not-too-poofy clothes, uu~h- wear a hat, and don't tell any guards your real name." I give her a smile! "I'm also willin' to bet you can crash down at Kirisame's pad and learn all kindsa crazy shit. It probably won't be a lax lifestyle but ya gotta take what'chre dealt. I bet it'll blow over in like… a month considering this village."
I mean, think about it. I've been able to fucking change my identity by wearing different outfits every other week, at least in this village. As long as your clothes don't stand out and you're not like the evilest evil person to ever evil, no one'll really care.
…
"You're… right." Maria sighs, looking down at the table. "Life used to be so simple." She holds up her frozen-to-hell hands, and just looks depressed. Looking back at the old coot, she seems prone to cry again… "What have I done?"
"Nothin' wrong, that's what." ...I kinda blurted that out. "Or, at least, what you had to do. Freakin'- these guys were assholes, tryin'a trap ya down here. Nothin's wrong about raisin' hell if you can afford it. And, considering how freakin' impoverished this village is, a lot of the time there's really nowhere to go but up…!"
…
"I'm… tired." Maria complains, tears running down her cheeks.
Hmm. Not like we can stay… here…
Idea.
Reachin' into my bag 'a tricks, I draw the London sentry, yo. Boopity boopity, boop-boop-boopity…!
After sacrificing like a third of my mana pool to it, London comes back from parts unknown…! It floats in through the window, swinging its lance idly…
"Wh- ah…" Maria just looks at it awkwardly, then looks at me…
"Sentry, yo." I grin and nod! "Built by… not-me. Designed by… not-me. And you'd best hope… not pointed at me!"
...Maria looks like she's been displaced from depression, at the very least.
Alri~ght… "London!" I point the operating cross at the noobs… "If they wake up… make them not wake up, but not permanently."
London swings its lance in acknowledgement!
Alri~ght…
Reachin' into my bag, I take out a potion… "Here's a thing for ya hands. Can you, uh…" I look down at her big dumb ice hands.
"...Help." She waves them about, accenting how unusable they are now.
Let's try that quick cast shit…
I throw the potion into the air-
It appears over Maria's head as a drop of pale green liquid-
Di-di~ng! -which splashes onto her and melds into her with a video game-ass noise.
...Crik-krack. The ice on Maria's hands began to fall off, revealing fucked up hands beneath that slowly began to shift back to normal. "Aa~h…" Shutting her eyes, Maria took the pain.
"So~...!" I rub my own hands together while waiting for her pain to cease…!
...Once it's done, she opens her wet eyes again, looking over her refurbished hands.
"We got this place to ourselves, yo." I make for one of the back rooms! "That doll'll knock the dudes out with danmaku whenever they wake up again."
... Maria blinks. "Re- really? It's… that easy?"
I snort and turn to her. "Yeah, pretty much. Thank Reimu, yo." Danmaku actually solves a lot of problems! Albeit, probably not as our lovable shrine maiden intended, bu~t I think we can make an exception in this instance…
…
I should go invite Ha-chan inside!
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
It is now time to go to bed, because we are soft and warm folk.
We found the parent's bedroom, where the beds were separated because those two have probably only ever had sex once, and it was to create that one disaster we call Sanjiro…
Maria takes the left bed. "...It smells like powder." She found the woman's bed!
I take the right bed- wow that… actually smells relatively okay. Some kinda peach or plum. Ah, fuck it, off with the covers. Ha-chan makes a good blanket…
Oof. Flopped onto the big mattress…
"Ya~y…" Sleepily, Ha-chan clambers onto it, before positioning herself over me-
Oof again. She just flops down onto me, pressing me into the fluffy bed. If I wasn't tired before, goodbye world…!
Being pressed down by her and finally relaxing makes me realize just how freakin' exerted my everythings are…
Hugging onto me, Ha-chan nuzzles her head next to mine, our chests pressed against one another.
...Allowing my head to slump back onto the bed top, I surrender to being tired. Aa~h…
…
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
…
I'm awa~ke. Being hugged feels so goo~d…
…
Staring at the ceiling as Ha-chan still rests, I contemplate life. S'a good life, yo.
Bright asshole sunlight pours into the room from the window. Man, I already miss the overcast...
I hear floor creaking. Oh, fuck, did someone get past the doll? Um… probably not-
Floor creaks again. Fuhuhu~ck… I don't wanna mo~ve.
I just kinda-... jerk myself, before stopping. I can't really move like this, so I shouldn't half-ass it and get shanked if it's-
Oh. It's a Marisa.
"...Oh, hey!" She waves at me as I drowsily blink at her. "Before ya do your morning whatevers with that fairy there, me 'n' the girls were goin' for some morning post-incident beer. 'Cause, y'know, we kinda crashed last night tryin'a get that factory situated…"
You know, morning whatevers with Ha-chan woulda been nice… even if I've been too much of a freakin' ballet-dancer to actually like, make out with her or anything. Kinda waiting for her to-
"That, and I thought I'd check up on Maria here…" Marisa gave the girl's bed a glance. "The nine hells happened in the living room down there? And, u~h… what're you doin' here, ze."
"Parents sounded like assholes. I ca- came to look too, a~nd they tried to kill everything ever…" Talking beneath Ha-chan while splayed out on a bed isn't easy, son.
"...Guess ya saved me some trouble then." At that, Marisa starts walking around the room, ogling some of the paintings hung up… "This Maria's room?"
Yeah, she just has two beds 'cause she feels like it. "Nah, yo. We commandeered it…"
...Grinning, Marisa nods and hovers about that painting, before walking away from it… "Oh, by the way, I didn't just tell ya we were goin' drinkin' for the hell of it."
...Well, I'm kinda comfy here, y'know-
Stomping up to my bed, Marisa slides her arms beneath the mattress and begins lifting!
"Son, son...!" All I can do is hug onto Ha-chan, 'cause she's squishin' me…!
A~nd-
Thu-thud. We roll off the mattress, and onto the covers I tossed off the bed the other night…
"Nnn~..." I end up atop Ha-chan. Holy shit she's soft…
...Wait, what the fuck-
Oof! Dammit, Marisa! Freakin'... tipped the mattress over onto me! Hnn~h…!
"Aah- nnh…!" Ha-chan starts flailing her limbs 'cause we're getting smooshed…!
I try to press against the ground around her, but her long cyan hair gets in my way and- yeah we're freakin' trapped. Freakin'...
...After a moment, Marisa helps by kicking the bed off of us, sending it-
Thud. -onto its bottom again.
"...Don't have sex now." She jeers at us…! "That'd just be weird."
Says you…! Freakin'...
Now free, I'm able to rise-
"Wo~ah…" Ha-chan tries to get up too, so we freakin' collide a bit as we separate from one another.
Stepping out of the bed frame, Marisa puts her arms on her hips. "So… any story behind that fight in the livin' room?"
Looked more like a dining room t'me… "Maria evicted the assholersons, dude." Yeah, yo.
Marisa snorted. "Really, now? I don't think them guard assholes'll like that one bit."
Grinning, I give an exaggerated shrug. "S'not like this place was a safehouse fer her anyway. I told her she can lay low down at Kirisa- ah, yer dad's."
Tilting her head at that, Marisa went to sit on Maria's bed… "How about she just take these dudes' cash and situate that bar 'a hers she had ta foreclose? Bet these stuffy guys're loaded, and if they ain't you can just sell these paintin's…" Marisa's gaze travels to this painting of the plains or something again…
And, you know? That's probably a better idea than mine…
"So when'd she grow that spine 'a hers?" Marisa focused on me…! "Didja egg her on, or was this actually her idea?"
Ah. As I stretch a bit and stumble about in the morning time, I answer her… "A bit 'a both, really. Y'see, there was this yamanba up on the mountain…"
"Oo~h, no shit?" Marisa perks up at that! "Aw, I love those guys. Hard as nails ta find, and even harder ta not get into a squabble with, but they're pretty cool. Real smart, too. You know they're like, old as hell too? Almost tengu old, I think."
Oo~h? Huh. Was Nemuno actually like, nearly a thousand years old, then? Hoh…! It's kinda hard to wrap my head around people that old having that much character. Then again, I haven't spent much 'a my life outside 'a freakin' institutional education. I guess if one grand was like your sixties and you just lived on your own, you'd have a hell of a lot of time to figure things out…!
Then you got people like Aya, who I think is pretty old. Tengu are old, right? Freakin'...
"Nn- nnh…" Maria begins to stir…!
Marisa bolts off the bed, before hiding next to the head of it, looking smug…
...Ha-chan scoots up next to me, looking smug herself. Hi, friend.
...Slowly, Maria begins to fling her limbs out of bed as she tosses off the covers, still fully clothed from the previous evening-
"Whaddaya doin'!?" Marisa leaps out from around the head of the bed!
"Aa- aah!?" Maria tips over onto the bed again!
She got bamboozled, son.
...After a moment of finding herself, Maria took one of the pillows on her bed and tossed it at Marisa.
Poof. Marisa stumbles back in a snuggly manner, removing the pillow from herself after a moment. "Hehehe~!"
"Wh- where'd you even come from…?" Uneasily raising onto her legs, Maria started waking up… "You- you shouldn't know about this place…"
Marisa tossed the pillow aside. "Yeah, I shouldn't, but I do!"
Freakin'... oh, that strangely reminds me of something…
Taking out Maria's cash, I lob it back to her via tossing it at the bed next to her. "Here's yer stuff, yo."
"Whah…?" ...After a moment, her mind catches up with her. "Oh. Thanks…"
...Marisa looks like she missed something, but doesn't particularly care!
"Chu." Ha-chan pecks me on the cheek, for some reason. Wait…
I turn to her. "Hello, yo…!"
"Hehehe!" Freakin'... snuggle fairy. How do reciprocate feelings do.
Propping her arms behind her head, Marisa begins walkin' to the dining room. "C'mon. Everyone's waitin'."
...Wait, 'everyone'?
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
In the dining room, I see London still floating in the air, 'cept she's covered in talisman seals, the danmaku she's firing at the girls fizzling out after barely escaping her.
Reimu was eating an apple, for some reason. "...Oh, you're up."
"Hi, world…" I gingerly walk out. Geez, gang's all here, huh…?
Sakuya and Youmu are just kinda bluntly staring at the unconscious people, whose positions were changed from the last time I saw them. Wahaha!
"You know…" Reimu's lookin' over 'em, too. "You're not really supposed to use danmaku to keep people unconscious."
Whah… I half-shrug at 'er. "Yer not really supposed to use chairs to keep people unconscious, either. That don't stop people…!"
"I think… you missed the point." Youmu dryly adds her two cents, still staring at the three noobs.
Marisa steps out next! "Ah, s'okay. The guys were assholes."
"Well-..." Reimu looks conflicted! "How are you sure?"
"'Cause Maria said so." Marisa starts moving to head out, before stopping. "Wait, gotta go find the family vault."
"No, don't." Reimu's not about to let that happen…! "We didn't come here to rob her family blind."
"They're not my family." Maria emerges from the room next! "...Woah. It- it's you guys…"
...As Reimu and Maria stare at one another, Marisa starts to march off into the back rooms!
"...Still." Reimu looks back over at the unconscious people-
"What…!" Whe~n the fuck'd the big guy wake up!? "What the hell are you all doing in my~ house!?" He's slowly getting onto his legs…!
Reimu blinks at him. "...Calm down-"
"Hakurei!" Recognizing Reimu, he barks at her. "Deceiver!" Pointy finger!
"Sir." Sakuya speaks up dryly. "If you would-"
"No I won't you-..." Stopping himself from snapping at her, he looks back over Reimu, before reeling his fist back into the air as soon as he fully stands. "I'm not letting you take me!"
...Woosh. He throws a really slow punch, which Reimu just steps out of the way of.
"Calm down." Reimu gives her second warning! "If you'd just listen-"
"What- no!" He sights Maria, before pointing at her. "That's mine!"
Maria just furrows her brows at him…
...Reimu's brows rise, looking for what he was pointing at. "That's a doorway."
"She's mine!" He clarifies, pointing at Maria a bunch! "Don't take my property! That's against the law...!" His voice is already strained sounding, losing volume quickly as he yells too much for his own good… "Yo- you're the Hakurei maid, are you not!? I'll have you ja-jailed, for treason…!"
...Reimu doesn't look like she knows what ta think!
...The guy starts to move for the door, marching towards Sakuya and Youmu. "...Out- out of my way, rats." He began to walk forward-
Fwo-fwo-fwo-fwo-fwoof. The soft noise of low-grade talisman danmaku was emitted as Reimu held her arm towards the guy and fired a two-lane stream of dinky-looking ofuda projectiles into him.
Thud. Like a second of sustained focus just brought him down before the other two girls…
"I'll make an exception." Reimu began to move towards the door, stepping past the old guy.
"Yeah, ain't he just charmin'...?" Grinning, I move after her! "Dude, I told him. Doctor superteeth always finishes a check-up."
Reimu snorts, moving through the front room and to the front door. "...Someone find Marisa before she robs them blind."
"Too late." Marisa enters the dining room with a small sack! "They consolidated it all into big shit." Lookin' over at Maria, she tosses the tiny bag at her. "Gonna have to go to the bank and break some 'a it if you wanna use it. People get freaked out about some of those gems…"
"Gems…?" Maria looks down at the bag in wonder!
Shaking her head, Reimu leaves the house completely.
...Youmu slowly follows behind her, similarly offput.
"Hey, chief!" Ha-chan approaches Sakuya! "I didn't know you did field recon, too!"
"...We don't have field recon." Sakuya bluntly shuts her down. "You're simply shirking your duties to stalk that outsider. Again."
"Aah, whah, duties…?" Looking around, Ha-chan scratches her side. "What's a duty?" I don't think that's convincing…!
...Closing her eyes, Sakuya just vanishes. Wahoho!
"Hey, wait up…!" Marisa begins sprinting outta the house!
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
Outside, we hit the streets, yo…
Marisa and Reimu are leadin' the way, scanning the nearby buildings for interesting places…
"Oh…" Maria's makin' small talk with Youmu. "How do you make that, actually?"
Youmu smiles at her. "Well, it's actually not as time consuming as they usually say…"
Hoh. Anyway, tuning them out because I don't care about making food…!
Ha-chan is talking with big chiefy, dude! "What element are you, Chief? I've always wanted to know…!"
...Sakuya shoots her a dry glance. "Physical elemental."
Ha-chan's eyes widen…! "Oo~h! That's like, really rare! I think…!" Yeah, yo.
"Yo, Chieftain." Good 'ol Sakuya, yo! "What's the use of a chicken nugget if you can't nugget, dude?"
"I don't know." I gotta think 'a somethin' clever to catch her off guard…
…
Reimu groans. "Can we just visit our frequent?"
"They'll drive the prices up, I know it, ze!" Marisa contests as we continue walking! "No~ we ain't!"
...Slipping behind Sakuya, I reach into my bag and take out my spaceman helmet! Yeah, dude!
After putting it on, I step back up to her side and nod at her…
...She looks over at me, almost glazing over my new headwear before taking a longer glance. "I see you've found a fish bowl to occupy yourself with."
"Yeah, dude." Man, didn't catch her off guard enough…!
We start to near the main street, where a myriad of villagers are staying away from the central bit of it.
"What's going on, ze…" Marisa furrows her brows as we approach the people.
"Probably a show, or something." Reimu steps up to the ring of people, brushing past them and making a path for the rest of us to file through…
In the center, there's a few guards with pikes standing in a wide, cautious circle around this one youkai-lookin' guy...
It might sound hypocritical for me to say 'youkai-looking', but… this guy sure as hell ain't human!
In the morning sunlight, I could see that he had a, like… eagle nose, straight but kinda short blonde hair, brown fur all over his body, and his legs were on backwards. He's also got a snake arm, apparently…! Also, like… sneakers. Freakin'... what is this!?
...Looking back and forth between the guards, the guy eventually sees us, and starts casually plodding towards us with his freakin' backwards legs with sneakers. I forgot to mention, but he's only got a loincloth on, too.
"Alright…" Reimu scratches her face, looking offput by this guy…! "What are you doing here?"
"I was simply searching the crossroads of life, finding out what it truly means to ramble on this fair planet." He looks up at the sun, making me realize his left eye was cyan and his other brown. Freakin'...!
"Well, do your rambling somewhere else." Reimu asks of him. "You're scaring people."
"The only thing that scares people…" He backs up, examining the crowd…
"Is you." Reimu interjects.
"Yes." Shaking his head, he agrees. "The only way for them is to be me, then. I always knew this day would come."
"That has nothing to do with it…" Reimu's not sure where this is going. I don't think anyone is…! "Just… go away."
"One cannot simply ask away the questions," he gestures to the people, "because if you have no more questions to ask, then no more will you axe."
"That doesn't…" Reimu starts to bring up her gohei! "Do I have to hurt you?"
"Yo, yo…" I part from the girl horde to step up next to Reimu! "I got this, yo. I speak buddhanese."
...Reimu gives me a skeptical look, but doesn't do anything, which means I have the floor!
I wave at the eagle guy youkai thing. "Hello, son."
"Hello, father." He nods at me. "What cosmic road has let our lines intertwine?"
Marisa exhales. "Oh, geez. Time for the meeting of the minds."
Yeah, yo. "It was the milky way of the schloss cosmos, dude. I took the interstate forty-nine…!"
"I try to stay away from that one." He jerks his head back, as if remembering something repulsive. "The last time I was on it, my lines got all jiggly-wiggly. Do your lines get all jiggly-wiggly sometimes?"
"Only on Sundays, dude." I nod at him as if agreeing.
He narrows his eyes. "Sunday ramblers…"
Shaking his head, he looks me over. "In any event, to meet another destined to the lonely road of the soul means my journey here, was worth every mile. How can I get out of here?" That's kinda a contrast…!
"You don't, dude." My arms flop to my sides. "They killed the way out, dude. Dismantled it!"
He jerks his body back, taking a backward step back! "That is unfortunate. However, there is always a will, and when there is a will, there is a way. Will works when ways wear."
"Dude…" Takin' a step back, I shake my head at him. "I tri~ed, dude, I tried. They killed me, son! They made me make a livin' off a spinning plate!"
"I understand your sentiments…" Stepping up to me, the guy puts a hand on my shoulder. "But, we must always ramble on. There is no road too long, and no heart free from the questions that permeate. Questions are the shackle, and only we are the keys."
Reaching behind himself somewhere, he takes out what looks like an eagle feather with his freakin' snake hand. "Take this sacred eagle feather. Maybe it will help you spin plates just as good as the rest of them. I don't know, I don't spin plates. But, if plates were philosophical insights, I could spin plates better than you."
Oh. Aw, good. Reluctantly putting my hand near his, uh, snake hand, I take the feather… "What's it do?"
"The real question is…" He waves his hand across the sky. "What you can do. For true strength lies outside, but only inside can we ask questions. That is, the answer to your question."
Left me with more questions than answers…! I'll need a freakin' appraisal!
"And, now, I must ramble on." With that, the eagle guy youkai thing maybe starts to walk off. "The cosmic interstate waits for no man, and to wait only casts the shadow of doubt. Have fun spinning plates, but that's not really what I want to do with my life." Son…! "But I'm sure you will be very successful."
With that, he began walking away, villagers and guards parting to give the guy room as he did his weird ass backwards walk out.
…
"What the hell just happened?" Marisa asked the fun question.
…
...Wow, I like this just, complete silence that set in after that conversation. What do you even say about something like that…!?
Shaking her head, Reimu looked back at her friend. "I need a drink." I guess that's what you say!
...Rolling her head around, the miko continues. "Bar."
"Y'impatient…" Looking around, Marisa scans really quickly for a bar… "There!" She points at the Golden Grin!
Reimu shakes her head. "Too much Yukari. I'd like Yukari and drinks to be totally separate activities, thank you."
"Agreed." Youmu seconds that notion…!
Folding her arms, Marisa spins around. "What the he~ll…"
...Maria's bein' quiet, yo. That reminds me…!
"We should stop by Maria's bar, yo…!" I open my big mouth!
She freezes up!
...The girls all turn to me!
"It existed, at one point!" I raise my finger…
"It- it's closed." Maria counters. "I- I had to foreclose it…!"
...Marisa grins. "Aw, we can check the place out anyway. Maybe someone opened up a little mom 'n' pop bar there."
Reimu starts marching, before circling back to us when she didn't know where to go. "Take us there." She pressures Maria…!
"Ok- okay…" Complying, the mage began to walk down the road with Golden Grin on it. "Don't, um, get your hopes up, okay…?"
Yo ho ho~! With that, we begin following her down the road.
…
Sakuya looks over at me. "You seem insistent on heckling that shy girl."
Smilin' back at her, I give my eyebrows a brief but unassumin' raise. "Aah. I think she could use a few nudges 'n' elbows sometimes, yo. I also kinda wanna see that place again…" Curiosity~!
...Youmu's real quiet, too. I should heckle her some…
Parting from Sakuya, I walk up to Youmu…
She turns to me preemptively, looking ready for the onslaught. Aw, yo.
"Is Myon soft, and warm to the touch?" I ask her the fun question.
...She blinks at me. "How do you know about Myon…?"
Aah shit, lore problems. "Aa~h- issa, heard it from, uh, Georgio Armani." Perfect. Youmu's good friend Georgio Armani told me.
Dryly, she blinked at me. "I know who that is, and you didn't hear it from them. I don't know him." Oh, shit.
...I grin at her…? "George Washington?"
"What? No, I don't know him either…!" Oh- what, you expect me ta believe that, yo!? He's George Washington, the dead guy!
"...Alexander the dead." I blurt out there.
Youmu snorts. "No~. Look, just-"
"Youki." Oh, man, this is gonna bite me in the ass, innit?
...Youmu stares at me in disbelief. "Where did- how? Who told you?"
Maybe I can fake her out with some eagle youkai bullshit…! "The, aa~h, cosmic strings 'a life or some shit, yo."
"That's not an answer…" Looking back down the road, she shakes her head. "You probably read it, or something. Chronicle of Gensokyo, right?"
...Yeah, sure, let's go with-
"You imply he can read." Sakuya, please.
Youmu raises a brow. "...Sakuya~. I know he's weird, but you don't have to-"
"I've known him for a month now." Sakuya, please…! "He cannot read Japanese."
...Giving me a glance as we continue down the road, Youmu just looks ahead again and shakes her head once more. "I'm not even gonna bother…"
Hoh. Good thing Youmu just accepts bullshit as it comes! I think I can thank Yukari and Yuyuko for that…
Man, I wanna meet Yuyuko now. She'd be fun.
...Oh, we there? We there, yo.
We stop outside the two-floored bar Maria used to work at.
There's a sign over the door, just below this tiny window. It's written in weird black ink, but I can make out a heart on the right. Symbols are universal!
"Small Packages…" Marisa reads off the sign rather curiously. "Tha fuck?"
"...Sounds weird." Indifferent, Reimu steps up to the bouncers…
Honestly, this sounds like a strip joint. Especially with that heart. Probably shady as fuck, but with a party of like seven people I'm sure we'll be just fine. Aw, I wonder if they cater birthday parties…
"Hey, we want in." Reimu speaks to a guard as I walk up ta her…
"Go on in." These guys look shot.
"Pfft…" Shaking her head, Marisa steps up to the guard, too. "S'up, buddy? You get ya dick sucked or something?" Freakin'... what kinda question's-
"Go on in." The guy doesn't even react. Iron will!
"Hey, what's up?" Holdin' out her arms, Marisa gets confrontational with the asleep-looking guard. "What's with the 'tude, ze? You tryin'a piss us off?"
"Go on in." Wow. Not even a shift in posture. Guy's on a different plane of existence…!
...Marisa lets her arms flop. "Wow. Reimu, this dude's possessed…!"
Steppin' past the completely immobile bouncers, I proceed inside the bar first, so I can get a good look at the place without bein' behind six-seven other heads…
Not too many people here, at the moment. There's some haggard dudes to the left, sittin' at a candlelit table 'n' drinkin' some beers.
Yo, woah! Matt's mannin' the counter, dude! "Aw, yo!"
Seeing me, Matt looks over at his- holy shit she's underclad- fellow bartender. "Hold the fort." A~nd out the back door. Bye, Matt!
...The girls all file in behind me, quickly filling the room with fluffy faces.
"...Be calm, you." Sakuya jeers at me for existing. "I'm sure you're a sake hound."
"You'd be surprised, yo." Shakin' my head, I start to progress towards the counter…
This is the loli vampire from Monster Girl Quest, down to the outfit, which is literally just a pair of panties with bats on it, and a black cloak. So it is a strip joint…!
"Well!" I'm not gonna comment on that…!
Oh, hey, that 'fairy maid' from the mansion is here, although his uniform is ruffled into oblivion and his face has a ton of blurry makeup smeared about it. Da~h...
...Me, Marisa, Reimu 'n' Youmu take seats at the four bar stools before the counter-
Sakuya appears next to us with a stool she got from one of the tables.
...Maria slowly steps up to the counter herself. "Um…"
"Uah- ah, hello~...!" The loli vampire greets us extraordinarily awkwardly. "Um… I- I'll take your order?" Do you say that at a bar? I dunno…!
"Why aren't you wearing clothes?" Reimu instantly gets to it!
"...No- no reason." After glancing away, the vampire focuses on us again 'cause she has no choice.
...Eyes narrowing, Reimu makes a request. "Mug of sake, please."
Marisa slams some bills on the counter. "Sake~!"
"We could probably just buy a bottle and pour it for ourselves." Sakuya comes in with the good ideas.
...Noddin' at that, Marisa looks over at the tender girl. "Keep, how much fer a bottle?"
"A- a thousand yen per." She states the price!
Sakuya lays her eyes on the 'fairy maid', letting her gaze hang on him for some moments.
"Don't got the money." Reimu slouches onto the counter, before looking at all of us. "Help."
Marisa pushes her bills forward. "Should contribute ta half a bottle. Sakuya~...?"
Sakuya lays the final five hundred yen on the table. "Very well." I wonder how much spending money she got left wit' for today.
...Accepting the bills without counting them, the vampire goes to grab a bottle from the shelf behind her. "He- here you go…"
Clack. She sets the bottle down on the counter-
-and instantly we all have shot glasses laid out before us, filled neatly with the beverage.
Sakuya lifts hers first, likely having been the one to fill them…
"Tha~nks…" Marisa lifts hers, and downs it in one gulp.
As the girls begin drinking, I push mine back. "Sorry, yo. I don't-"
Ha-chan pushes past me and takes the shot glass, before tilting her head back and downing it. "Mnn~!" Freakin'...!
...Quietly, Maria lifts hers, taking an unsure sip.
Clack. Loudly setting her glass down, Marisa looks across the counter. "Al~right, where's the bottle so I can chug it…?"
"This is pretty generic stuff…" Reimu tilted her head back and forth, setting her own glass down. "I thought for a thousand, it was gonna be at least a little good."
"Considering that the sign almost looked like it was painted in blood, I don't think we should be expecting much." Sakuya criticizes the place. "...I have the bottle, too. Here." She hands it over to Reimu, sliding it past Youmu to do so…
Tilting her head back, Reimu goes to chug it-
Marisa grabs it midway. "Hey, hey…! I'm the one who actually bought it…!"
Ha-chan moves to try and grab it. "I want summore…!"
Sakuya sets like a stack of bills on the counter. "Four thousand yen. Four bottles."
"Wha- right away!" Feverishly, the vampire moves to grab the bottles one by one to bring them over to the table…
...Well, this is a pretty cozy little place Matt has here. I think Matt'd get his ass kicked if anyone here actually knew he ran it. That's probably why he booked it when he saw me…!
Clack. As the little vampire girl sets the last bottle on the counter, Sakuya immediately gets on her case. "That maid." She points to the 'fairy maid' behind the counter, whose arms are currently crossed. "Where did you hire her?"
...Eyes slowly widening, the loli's arms come up defensively. "Ah- aah… We- she needed help, and- well, there- mmm…"
"...She belongs to us, you know." Sakuya claims ownership of the 'fairy maid'...!
"Um…" The loli looks seriously stressed…! "I- I'm… not who you talk to, ab- about that."
Clack. Reimu sets her bottle down, and sighs. "This place is fishy~. Sakuya, dunno what you're doing, but keep doing it…"
Marisa parts her own bottle from her lips. "S'probably a sex trade 'er somethin'."
Youmu lowers her bottle, only having taken a few gulps from it… "The village's this blatant about it now, huh…"
"I gotta clean this place out sometime…" Reimu leans on the counter. "Next week…"
Youmu blinks. "What? This place?"
"The village…" Reimu begins to lift her bottle again… "This place sucks now. It's gotten really annoying how the council just… ugh."
"...I hear you." Youmu nods at this.
…
Sakuya stands. "Where's your manager?"
"Out- uhm… outside maybe?" Loli under pressure, dude…!
…
"He~y boys!" Who the frik is that…
The, like, seven of us turn around to look at her…
It's some busty girl with a sweater and seemingly no pants on. She's got brown eyes and long purple hair. "Oh-... oh." She scans the bunch of us…! "...I- I left my, wallet on, yeah. You're cute, bye!" Turning around sloppily, the woman began to jog out the door-
Fwap- fwap! Two ofuda hit her in the back on her way out.
"Eep!" She like, flies out of the bar…!
"Stupid…" Tilting her head back, Reimu begins to chug from her bottle. "Mmh…"
...I look back at Sakuya, a~nd she's not even there. Woah no. "Sakuya vaporized, dude…" Shaking my head, I slouch over…
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: SAKUYA'S PERSPECTIVE ====
Time is stopped.
As I step around the counter, most of the girls and Brad stare at the oncoming succubus in the monochrome background.
Slipping past the immature vampire, I push the back door open and close it behind myself smoothly. Mostly so that I haven't need to remember it later…
Back here, a certain notorious infiltrator is leaned against the wall, facing the door as if waiting, vaguely poised to bolt at a moment's notice. In his right arm, concealed, was the pair of scissors I'd seen Koakuma flip around idly on occasion.
Stepping before him, I placed my arms at my sides unassumingly, and-
Time resumes, the world's color snapping back into place.
...Matt still faces the door.
"I'd like a word with you." I aim to surprise him.
He twitches, before turning to me. "...Oh. Hello there."
"You seem to be in possession of some property of ours." He's in possession of one of Mistress' latest amusements, by some curiosity.
...He looks down at his right arm, before holding up those scissors. "What, these? Koakuma gave them to me, right?"
Surprising line to draw, though it only serves to waste our time. "No. The second latest non-fairy employee to serve at the manor is currently being held in service here without our consent."
...After a moment, he sighs loudly. I may have struck a nerve.
…
"Hua~h." After another moment, he sighs audaciously. Speaking of wasting time…
"...How much." Hmm? He expects a ransom, it seems.
...I'm honestly not sure if I should humor him or simply take what belongs to us. He likely wouldn't-
Reaching into his pocket, he takes out some yen bills and tosses them at me. "Here."
...They flutter to the floor before me. The world snaps to grey, stopping.
I bend my knees to scoop them up, standing back up within the second and counting them as time is halted. He seems to have tossed about one hundred thousand yen at me.
Time resumes.
"Please stay here. I'll have to confirm this order with Mistress." I inform him of how this transaction will proceed.
His head tilts slightly. "...Ok-"
Time stops, and the world dims again.
…
Stepping back into the bar, sliding past the vampire as she placed another bottle on the counter, I swipe my lone bottle from my seat and take a sip for the road.
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
With time re-enabled, the door to Mistress' chamber swings open automatically as I step in to greet her…
"Ah, Sakuya…" She looks up from her throne. "Back from your festivities, already? Did you see the snow outside…?"
Snow? That's... not right. "I had to come back to inform you of a business proposal from the village."
"Oh…? At this hour?" Mistress furrows her brows. "It'd figure, I suppose. Out with it, then, what do they want this time? If it's charity, send them some gunpowder. I'm tired of declining beggars."
"It pertains to your second latest servant." I inform her.
"...Oh. So you found him." Smiling, Mistress crossed her legs… "Do they have the child captive or in protective custody? If so, I'm sure Patchy'd have a clever way to retain him, without confrontation. Ye~s… fufufu~!"
Before you get too far along with that… "They offered monetary compensation."
...Mistress blinks at me. "So? What's some pennies for a few pints? Tell me their price."
"Matt did not name the price." I reveal. "He simply threw around one hundred thousand yen at me, and I considered the transaction simply due to the scale."
...Slowly, Mistress began to hatch a wide, pleased grin. "So we get to set the price, then. Fufufu~!"
Standing up, she begins to drift towards the door. "Ask one million yen of him by the end of the month. If the goods are destroyed or the price is not met, seize the property by any means. Well, if he's destroyed, just bring the boy to me so we may discuss more intricate details. Keep our presence in that dust bowl to a minimum, yes?"
Apt. "Understood, Mistress."
"Now…" Stopping in the door, Mistress turns back to me. "Go, have your fun. I may see myself to sleep. Keep what he's given you as a down payment."
"My appreciations, Mistress." I thank Mistress for her allowance to continue my post-incident leisure period.
…
With Mistress out of the room, I draw the sake bottle I've had on me from behind, tilt my head back-
Gulp, gulp, gulp, gulp…
The~re. The trip back'll be a lot less tedious…
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: BRAD'S PERSPECTIVE ====
Marisa sets her bottle back down, the glass empty 'a content. "Hoo~! The hell'd Sakuya go~!?"
"Nowhere." Oh, shit, Sakuya's back…!
"Noo~..." Ha-chan pulls on Myon's ghostly tail, trying to keep a hold on it as it drags her around the midst of the bar…
Youmu shivers in her seat, holding her arms out towards the fairy. "Sto- stop that…!"
Leaning back in her seat, Reimu look over at Sakuya. "Hey, this place okay…?"
"Sure." Sakuya dismissively answers her question, before tilting her head back and chugging from what looks like a new bottle…
...Shrugging, Reimu slams her arms on the counter. "New bottle."
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
Well…
"Y'know, Reihmu…" Marisa's hat was on the counter before her, and she was lazily digging into it… "I- I wanna know. Sss~ my, ah… y'know tha' one card 'a mine? Tha' one wit' the lasers…" Beneath her hat are like, three different bottles...
Reimu was slouched over the counter, three empty bottles splayed out on their sides before her. "...Noo~. Wait… that's all of them."
Youmu was leaning on Sakuya's shoulder, only one empty bottle splayed out before her, a partially finished bottle in her hand. "Aa~h… you- you know… I- I wanna gu- get better at… throwing. My~ sword's… legendahry, but… there- there's soo~ much I can learn from you.."
"Well, you know…" Sakuya's got like, two bottles before her, and is working on her third. "I'm, aah, not sure what to tell you. Technically, I don't… I don't teach people things, because I don't really care- for that sort of thing. But it- it's not-"
"Plea~se!" Youmu hugs onto Sakuya's side. "I-... I whanna better my discipline…! The- there'sh preshision in… thrower class." Thrower class, dude.
"I- I'm not a thrower, anyway." Sakuya gives her an uneasy frown. "I'm an assassin. Employed under Mistress Remilia Sch- Scarlet-"
"Noo~. You throw…" Youmu brings up her bottle, and takes a sip…
Ha-chan slowly lumbers over to me, having gotten a bottle to herself after enough begging. "Bra~d-ku~n. Try i~t…"
"No, yo." Freakin'... you've had a third of what these girls are having, and you're somehow just as hammered. "I like bein' me, yo…!"
"But…" Oh- woah! Ha-chan all but falls onto my back…! "I love you, Brad-kun. Beer'sh fun."
"Fun for thee, but not for me~." Son…!
...Looking over at me uneasily, Marisa throws an arm out. "Jus'- fuckin' try it, dude… yhou'll like it. I know a drinker through exposition…" I'm not sure if 'exposition' was the word you were lookin' for…!
Maria herself hasn't had any drinks since that shot glass. She's just kinda staring at the drunk girls with a wary expression…!
"Mmm~..." Ha-chan kisses the side of my head awkwardly, planting her lips somewhere in my hellstorm of hair. This feels weird!
...The little vampire serving us just kinda has her hands over her mouth, but doesn't look particularly concerned. More like some kinda awed!
"Go on in." Oh, hey, those bouncers talked to someone else.
The sound of clinking and jingling bottles is heard as someone begins to stomp into the bar. "Yeah, shut the fuck up…"
I look to get a glance at her- bad idea! Ha-chan takes this opportunity to just hug me outright. "Hehehe~...!"
Freakin'... looking past her, I see the person walking it. Oh holy shit, ain't that, aa~h, that one cat girl with the katana fingers? Fuck, I forget her name…
"Oh, curses…" Walking in, she hobbles around to navigate the room and get towards the counter… "Back wit' beer!"
"Yea~h!" Marisa cheers, pulling some kinda stone shard out of her hat. "...Aw, shit, I- I found iht!"
Reimu gives her an uneven, glossy look. "Wh- whuh is it…"
Marisa pouts. "...Aa~h. Fuck." Bringing it up, she tries to twirl it around in her hand, but ends up dropping it. "Ohp-"
It hits the floor behind her-
Fwash! A spike of ice erupts on the floor between her and Reimu. "...Is ice!"
"Oh." Reimu nods. "Cool…"
I try to rotate back around the counter, only for Ha-chan to freakin' wrap onto me like a caterpillar, forcing me to hold onto it for dear life. "Aye- freakin', what're ya doin'...!?"
"Nn~h…" Ha-chan's having a hard time freakin'... wrapping around me horizontally like some kinda monkey-
Tick-tick-tick-tick! Her wings start flapping! Freakin'...!
That kitty cat lady moved through the door out the back 'a the bar before I could ask her her name. Frik…
"He- hey, Youmu…" Marisa calls out across the table! "Cu- cut this ice fer me. I need my rock…"
Oh, boy. That's not gonna-
"No~." Youmu counters. "La- lashst time I used Roukha- Rourou- Kanrou-... my sword, when I was drunk, I brohke the bar…"
...So much for this place being a stripper joint-
"Enh…" Ha-chan, the fuck're ya tryin'a do to me…!?
Aside from her gymnastics around my body, this place hasn't had much stripping or jointing…
"Go on in." Oh, anotha' guy.
...Marisa puts her hat on the icicle on the floor to hide it. "See, Reimu? Noh~ worries!"
"Oo~h…" She leaned onto the counter, deflating. "We- we're gunna hafta pay for that, and when we dho, it- it's gonna suck."
...I look back at the guy who came in. It really is just, some unassuming looking villager dude with short black hair and a tired expression…
He gives my party a very, very wary stare as he cautiously rounds around the room to the bar counter…
Sighting him, Vanilla starts to shift to the left end of the counter, to service him once he gets to it.
Youmu lets out a sigh. "Sakuya~. Ha- have you ever… used a sword?"
"...Have you really been as far as decided to use go want to do feel more like?" Sakuya asks a sentence broken not in pronunciation, but grammar.
Aw. Shifting in my seat- 'cause freakin' Ha-chan-
Thud. Ha-chan slips off of me, and ends up on the floor. "Ow~..."
"...Oof." I look down at her semi-empathetically.
The guy reaches the counter. "Uh- hey."
The vampire girl greets him. "Ha- hi."
Standing up so I can properly get Sakuya 'n' Youmu's attention- 'cause they're drunk as shit and slow to respond to things- I half-yell my question to them, yo. "Have I ever told ya the story about cowboys!?"
Youmu's not fazed at all by the question, giving me a blank stare…
"Ah…" Sakuya feels the need to respond. "And- and the indians?"
"No, the midgets." I wiggle my eyebrows, jerking a thumb towards the barkeep at that 'fairy maid' trap in the corner there.
"Pff- pfft…" Shit, Sakuya must really be drunk if she allows herself to express humor…! "I- I suppose that would be most apt. Most apt…"
"How's twenty grand?" That unassuming guy laid some money on the counter.
...The loli vampire looked it over for a moment, before nodding. "Kay. Um…" Looking at the 'fairy maid', she gulped. "Go…"
Glowering at her, the young guy began to move towards the pile of plywood in the corner of the room with the guy.
On closer inspection, this pile of plywood was a really makeshift staircase to a hole in the ceiling leading to the upper level. Did what I just think happened, happen?
...Fuck, so this place really ain't a strip club. It's a sex dungeon…!
...And everyone's too drunk to care! Man. So that crap does happen in the village. Well, I kinda already knew that from some other bastards, but… and Matt's in on this, isn't he? That'd figure…!
Aa~h. So that's why he ran out the door, as well. Oh, well. I-... just remembered he probably has that death loli somewhere close. I was gonna say 'raid and free the slaves' but uu~h… I don't really wanna fuck with that lovable ball of death.
You know what, yo? Cross that bri~dge when I get to it! This village has bigger shit wrong with it at the moment…! S'probably not a remote instance here!
...I glance at Maria, who seems to have noted what just happened, too.
"I wish we had cats…" Sakuya was watching, but just went back to being nonsensical once the exchange was done.
"We- we had a dead cat once…" Youmu sighed dramatically. "Wa- was cute… but it was everywhere. 'Specially the dead kind, they like… they- they just don't quit. Like- egh…"
"...You're right." Sakuya stared down at the counter. "I- I'd have to clean up more. Don't they piss everywhere…?"
"Only some." Youmu smiles, nodding…"The deahd ones, they don't. They jus' track echtoplasm…"
...Woah- holy fuck-
Thud. I land on the floor after Ha-chan springs out from before me, bowling me to ground with a tackle-push. "Wee~!" Freakin'...
"Oof…" My body slowly stops protesting the manhandling as I look up at the fairy. "Why~, yo…!"
"Nha~h…" Looming over me, she brings her face close to mine. Son- there's a time and a place-
"Mmm…" I let her kiss my cheek instead 'a my lips, because alcohol breath.
"Hey." Reimu looks down at us disapprovingly. "Don't fuhck. It's public decency…"
Oh, okay…!
…
"Aah…" Ha-chan just collapses onto me, my face nuzzled into her chest. Whelp…
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
END OF CHAPTER 71
PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Fairy Slayer, Accidental Human Slayer, Robot Demolisher, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Village Liberator, Eientei Crucible, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Factory Disassembler, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine, Sky Climber, Amateur Espionage Practitioner, Illegal Fairy Harborer, Conscientious Party Member, Winter Warrior, Has Forgotten What Half of These Titles Stood For, Holder of Too Many Titles.
PRIMARY WEAPON: Hard Winter - A earth/ice-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock; has a flower curved around the hilt. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. Allows casting of Gaia Seed. Casts Tundra, a weak spike of ice! Allows the user to cast Ice Shard. Extends combo length by one artificially. Allows the user to jump out out of combos smoothly, and leave frost in their trail.
INVENTORY:
[Bag of Holding] - A small bag that always seems to be conveniently unaffected by whatever weird crap happens to me. Never enlarges, almost always gives me what I need if I remember it's there. Infinite inventory space. I would like to know where it actually puts all my stuff though…
==o==
WEAPONS:
Swordbreaker - Dark elemental plant hanger. Boosts the power of dark skills. Has a curvy, fancy design that lets it easily counter swords! It better, with a name like 'Swordbreaker'. Provides a weak but passive boost to defense, magical defense, and evade. Lowers the attack of foes as its on-impact effect.
Youkai Inconveniencer - A holy plant hanger, which works as a flail 'cause of the cross necklaces attached to it! May cast Flash, an attack that blinds; works best on darkness elementals and youkai. Acts as a flashlight via candles. Converted to a flail with cross necklaces! Can cast Shine.
Fairy Harp - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can cast Gust. By the addition of a steel block, its attack and magic attack increased slightly. Sparkles in the light due to fairy dust, able to reduce the accuracy of weak, biological enemies by irritating their senses with the dust. Can play beautiful, flat-tone musi~c!
Flame Salvo - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Boosts the power of fire skills. Ignites stuff on impact. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Has a flamethrower nozzle, allowing the user to cast Flamethrower Plus! Allows the user to cast Fume.
Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.
Deep Blue - A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Can produce limitless fresh water. Boosts the power of water skills. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...
Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.
Sharper Than Darkness - A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon style; physical attack increased, physical defense lowered. User bleeds out faster. Can cast Revenge, an attack that increases in power the lower the user's health is. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to let it cut!
Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.
Million Bucks - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger, from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion. It's a gift from Flandre Scarlet! Has an obsolete map of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Lowers defense slightly. With added electric and holy charms, the hanger is slightly electric and holy elemental. Is able to fluidly chain attacks for stringing together longer aerial and ground combos. Allows the user to fluidly transition from combo to jumping. Allows forced aerial combo support. Grants the user the ability to air slide. Increased jump height when running. Gives motion sickness with avid use!
Market Gardener - Critical hits during blast jumps! Otherwise, it's just a normal, old plant hanger. Named after a very similar shovel…!
NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please. Unless you're surrounded by fairies who don't know the difference- but y'know- that opportunity's a freakin' million to one.
NERF longsword - 'CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals'… you know what that means! Maybe one day this will actually come in handy…
==o==
ARMOR:
Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! Seventy-five percent time resistance on equip. Voice, face, and height specifications not included!
Monk Robes - Wear to become a Buddhist! Actually pretty comfy…!
Remilia Scarlet's Mob Cap - Twenty five percent dark resistance. Lets me be a Touhou, too!
Camouflage Kimono - This kimono means business, son. One hundred percent ice resistance, and as such renders me immune to all magical ice damage. Dunno 'bout icicles and stuff, though. Fifty percent freeze resistance… not that freezing will hurt me with this thing on. Fifty percent dark resistance. Negative fifty percent fire and burning resistance. Hopefully hides me a bit when navigating in the freakin' brush...
Yellow Racecar Helmet - It's like a really knockoff space marine helmet! Fifty percent sun resistance, one hundred percent freezing and blinding resistance. Also gives immunity to electrical stunning. It feels like it's got good physical defense, too… at least for my head.
Lunarian Prototype Space Suit - A suit meant for combat in deep space. So far, it's only got the whole 'exist in deep space' part down…! One hundred percent electric resistant. One hundred percent freezing resistant. Has an oxygen tank, but that's only useful if you wear the helmet to go along with it. Randomly casts Zero Gravity when it feels like it.
Lunarian Prototype Deep Space Helmet - It's a freakin' helmet. Fifty percent blinding resistant! When worn with the Lunarian Prototype Space Suit, it also confers immunity to burning and poison, along with another one hundred percent electricity resistance. Yo…!
Testing Oxygen Tank - The oxygen tank used by the Lunarian Prototype Space Suit. Lasts for two and a half minutes! Not meant to actually be used outside of testing, but it's possible. Refills automatically in breathable air.
MP Prize Pin - A badge that allows the user to drain some of the enemy's mana, forcing it to become mana prizes on the field. For awhile only the user(s) of this badge may pick them up, but after a grace period anyone can. Extends prize grabbing range!
Sun Badge - Fifteen percent sun resistance when equipped. Fifty percent resistance to blinding and electrical stunning. Replaces the on-impact effect of all weapons with Sunfire Flare when worn.
==o==
CONSUMABLES/OTHER:
Forty-one thousand, two hundred Yen - ...Yeah, just in a bag. It's about time I documented how much freakin' money I have!
Five Health Potions - They give you youkai-like regen for like, thirty seconds! No chuggin' these babies to indefinitely survive the cold reaches of outer space. Unless the regen outdoes the asphyxiation, but I think I'd rather die by that point…
Mega Potion - Youkai-like regen for thirty seconds… except for the whole family! Applies to entire party. Good for when we all suck at life!
Four Mana Potions - Restores an average amount of mana, I think. More than enough for someone like me!
Three Panaceas - Cures all status effects. I dunno if it works on debuffs, though...
Akihito's Broadsword - Too big for me to use as a weapon. I wonder if I could use it as like, a tent stake or something.
Butterfly Dream Pills - Makes you dream of being a beautiful butterfly!... now, if only there was a pill for lucid or wet dreams, and then I'd consider Yagokoro the doctor to end all doctors!
Rope of Red Bikinis - Wahaha! Gonna getcha, son!
Sacred Eagle Feather - A gift from a rambler. It's… sentimental, I think? Help.
PARTY:
London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks, both the magical and physical variety. Has lance, can shoot danmaku. Variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly. I really have to remember to use her, at some point!
PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. London shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.
==o==
Hana, the Electric Fairy Maid - A cuddleable fairy who's stalked me for awhile. She's lovable, dude. Healed by electrical damage! Casts tiny bolts of electricity as her attack these days…
PRIMARY WEAPON: Zap!
INVENTORY:
Probably rocks - Yeah.
Winter Mittens - Aww. Keeps hands from freezing.
Winter Coat - Where does she store this when it's not on…?
[unknown space remaining]
==o==
Maria, the Actually Ordinary Magician - A villager from the human village. Used to run the most impoverished bar ever, but that fell under or something. Really low self-esteem! No known resistances or weaknesses. Can cast basic elemental spells!
INVENTORY:
Wood Staff - Good for bonking things!
Raggedy Clothing - Low quality, old clothes from the village. Keeps her covered.
[Travel Bag] - Inventory that exists! Does not take up inventory because it is inventory. Eight slots.
Two Mana Potions - Guess wha~t? It heals, except mana!
[six spaces remaining]
==o==
ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:
hoh
the big FAMILY SHOUT OUT
this probably left maria homeless but y'know - w - i don't really think that place was home anyway…!
we will see genkan later on! she's not committing to stickin' with me because she actually has a home to turn to and quite likes it
xavier shows up again! he's friendly, dude
THE BIG FAMILY SHOUT OUT YO
and in came
a FI~RE SUMO!
anyway yeah
my guy didn't immediately flip out over trafficking because he's not really thinking about the abstract ramifications at the moment but give him some time and a little more 'what the fuck' things in the village and y'know
nuggetvania dude
oh yeah first chapter of the batch innit
if i get this out on hoolaween: happy hoolaween yo l :3 ! ! !
as always, see you all next time!
