(in which we get involved in some wumbo jumbo yo)
"Alri~ght…" Reimu let out a sigh as she 'n the girls stepped ahead 'a me 'n' Ha-chan outta the bar.
The sun's a shinin', blue bird's 'a singin, a~nd it's really fucking warm out for some reason! Like, warm. Too warm…!
"Hey, uu~h…" I turn to Ha-chan as we exit the bar. "Just a bit warm for a winter day, isn't it?" Is this the 'indian winter' my parents always talked about, yo…? S'that even a thing in Japan, let alone Gensokyo?
"I- I wanna kiss…" Freakin'... I dunno how to respond to that. Help.
The four girls stumble forward into the road, arms around one another…
"I- I can fly~…!" Marisa tried to jump from the line, but Sakuya 'n' Reimu held her firmly in place. "Le- lemme~...!"
"Noo~h." Reimu's arm was firmly interlocked with Marisa's. "We- whe're goin' home…"
"The- the- I don't life a' th' shrife…" Youmu ceases to make sense, hanging onto Reimu's right arm…
"...We do- don't not live at the shrine." Sakuya makes some sense.
...I walk out behind them, still sober! Ha-chan's less fortunate, but she's fluffy, dude. Maybe I'll follow the noobs back to the shrine and crash there while Reimu's too drunk to complain.
"We- Whe~r goin' home!" Reimu makes her case known! "...Le- we fly t'gether, don't get lost 'n' uh, won't hurt our- ourshelves…" Words! I hear words, but I know not what they mean...!
"Lemme go~!" Marisa throws an arm out-
"Nnh…" Sakuya takes an elbow to the gut-
Sloppily placed knife danmaku splash out randomly in the direction of Marisa-
"Guh…" Having snapped a few feet away, Sakuya hit herself with a few.
Marisa's face gets filled for a moment-
Fwam. The bullets dissipate against her face, leaving a lingering glow for a moment more. ...She's left blinking at the air, somewhat befuddled. "...Ou~ch!"
"Shut uhp!" Reimu jerks on Marisa's arm! "We'll ca- care- take you there…"
...Myon drifts past Youmu, and floats into Reimu's face.
"Mmh…" Reimu shuts her eyes, enduring the ghost snuggle.
Marching back up to Marisa, Sakuya re-interlocks their arms. "Come- come on, black-white. We…" ...Her sentence just ends. Oof.
"I- I'll beat y' the fuck up…" Marisa starts jerking her arms again, but Sakuya keeps a firmer grip. "Fuck- fuckin', lemme go- let's fight…!"
"Not 'n' the village." Reimu starts marching forward, jerkily pulling Youmu 'n' Marisa along…
...With that, the four girls start uneasily walking off-
Youmu tries to fly early. "Ah- aah!"
Thu-thud! Reimu and Marisa get sprawled out across the ground.
"He- hee~y!" Reimu scrambles up, flying unevenly off her limbs and towards Youmu. "Ghet back here!"
"Ah…" Youmu stops in the air, and realizes her sins, yo. "Oh- oh, no…"
S'gonna be a long way home! Guards're giving us mean looks and I'm pretty sure the heroines are supposed to be barred from the village right now, but… do you really wanna fuck with a drunk four-girl party? In the figurative way…!
Well, I'm here, too. I don't think I count by comparison…!
...Marisa's helped up off the ground by Sakuya, rollin' her head around uneasily. "Fah- fuckin'..."
...From out behind me, Maria steps out, giving the girls an uneasy look. "Let's follow them…" Already planned on it, yo!
Lo~ng freakin' way home, son.
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
"We~'re off ta shee tha' wisha~rd!" Marisa marches along the Hakurei path as the girls next to her make very disjointed and broken efforts at flying more than a few inches off the ground.
Reimu makes short, cute jerks in the air, seeming very focused on her flying...
Youmu looks like she's about to fall asleep, so she's just drifting forward…
Sakuya's throwing Marisa's left arm back and forth violently with her freakin'... hyperactive motions, going forward and backward really fast but still keeping Marisa's arm in the center of her movements.
We've attracted zero attention, so far, for obvious reasons.
"Mm~n…" Ha-chan kisses into my neck again. Freakin'- ever since that apsara skedoodle, she's recognized kissing as a form of intimacy. Issa bit awkward, but everyone except for me is drunk, so~... oh, and Maria, but she ain't gonna jeer me ta a pulp.
As we trot along the path like a buncha drunkards and not-so drunkards, I notice the trees go from no foliage- as they should be- to foliage, as if we'd stepped into the twilight zone. It's also cooler over here, a little. Freakin'...
Oh, hey, the Hakurei stairs.
...As the drunk girls round up to it ahead-
"A- aah…" They drop onto their limbs once they get to the stone steps proper, before untangling, springing off and taking a few steps back.
"Up th' side…" Reimu goes for the grass aside the stairs. "Won't crack ya skull…"
Sakuya blinks out of existence, before appearing on her back and rotated around, as if she'd just fell on her ass and slid down the hill while time was stopped. "...Assistiss- iss… he- help."
Crouching down, Reimu grabs her leg and begins dragging her up, using her knees and free arm to scale the steep hill…
"Ah- hey- aa~h…" Sakuya's dragged up still on her back…!
Marisa takes her broom that she's had in her arms-
Thud! -and sits on it, without activating it. "Whoohoohoo~! Go, go~!"
Fzz~t. Sparkler-esque energy comes from the back of it, as it slowly accelerates and crawls up the hill, making it look like Marisa's just riding her ass up the grass.
...Youmu hovers into the air a little, before thrusting forward awkwardly-
"Ah!" -a~nd flying straight into Reimu.
Thu-thud. Now they're just a pile on the hillside…
"Fff~aaa~h!" Yell, Reimu, yell!
...I begin ta follow Maria up the stairs. Ha-chan clinging to me makes going up a slow endeavor but an endeavor nonetheless.
...After lookin' around to admire the nice weather, I notice someone with long green hair running down a far side of the hill, before taking into the air and floating into the trees. Who the fuck…?
Sure as hell wasn't Sanae or Mima, 'cause one's a shrine maiden and the other's ain't got legs. This girl had somethin' red on, but I haven't seen anyone like that before. Hmm.
We reach the top! Well, by we I mean everyone but Reimu, Sakuya and Youmu.
Marisa's at the top here, stumbling away from the shrine wall she crashed into. "Aa~h…"
"I knew I made a good choice ignoring beer…" Maria doesn't sound very into alcohol! Me either, yo, me either…
"Bu- but ish good!" Ha-chan hugs herself closer to me…! "Ri- right, Brad-kun…?"
"Don't ask me, yo…!" S'not a question to ask me, yo…!
After some moments, Maria goes up to the door ahead 'a all of us, and slides it open…
Inside is the good 'ol Hakurei Shrine! Nice 'n' empty…
"So this is what the shrine looks like…" Maria looks around. "...It's a lot smaller than the villagers say."
Pfft. "What'd they say…?"
"Everything from tents, teepees to fortresses." Maria dryly steps up to the kotatsu… "Guess it really is poor, though. I don't see how being a shrine maiden could be profitable… well... nevermind." Hoh. She wanted to take that somewhere else, but didn't, yo.
"The great Hakurei teepee, dude." Nodding, I approach the kotatsu. Should I get under it or no~t… "Under the great chieftain Scar, yo."
Maria snorts.
…
Reimu stumbles in through the doorway! "Aah- ah!" Someone falls into her from behind!
Thu-thu-thud. Youmu pushes Sakuya into her, and then the three of them just pile up.
"Nn~h…!" Reimu vainly thrashes her arms out to crawl forward…!
"I- I give up…" Youmu sinks into Sakuya's back, closing her eyes. "G'night…"
Sakuya tries to crawl out from between the two of them-
Thu- thud. They roll off of Reimu-
Ooo! Reimu darts under the kotatsu at light speed…!
…
She pokes her face out from inside, gazing up at me. Aww…
I crouch down, holding a hand out. "Can I pet you, Reimu-friend?"
...She glares at me-
Fwam!
Holy mother of fuck! Ouch, shit…!
Thu-thud. I land on the floor after Reimu shoots danmaku from her eyes at me. Holy shit…
Ha-chan fell with me since she was clung to me-
"Hahaha~!" She just flops onto me after realizing what happened. Freakin'...!
"Are- are you okay…?" Maria steps towards me cautiously…!
"Ye- yeah. Just… danny maky." Freakin'... oof. Face hurts...
Marisa wanders inside, and steps cautiously past Sakuya 'n' Youmu. "Aa~h… eh- ey Reimu, how'sh 'bout… tea?"
...Reimu looks like she just wants ta sleep…!
She looks over at me while Ha-chan drowsily clings to me. "Br- Bra~hd. Fetch water…"
Ooh. "From the kitchen, yeah?" I start to peel Ha-chan offa myself-.
"No. I- I used it t' wash oil offa stuff. Go to lake." Reimu requests of me, shrinking back under her kotatsu… "Thanks."
Hoh.
…I think I'll check if she has some jugs! Also I can just make water with Deep Blue, I don't even hafta go anywhere.
"I'll-..." Looking over the disjointed state of the girls, Maria makes a focused face. "...I'll stay here and watch them."
"Mmrmrm…" Ha-chan's tired herself out…
Gettin' up and onto my feet, I give Maria a wave. "Alright, yo. I'll be back from the lake in a million years!"
Maria gives me a nod. "Be safe." Ho ho…!
Leisurely progressin' across the room, I walk into the kitchen by slidin' open the door, goin' on in, and sliding it shut.
...Oh, hoh. Reimu's got some jugs in her sink, empty looking.
Taking out Deep Blue, I pull the valve, approach 'em, and start filling them!
Ho~h.
…
After filling one to the brim, I pat it on the side as I li~ft it up and set it aside. They're big, so they're fuckin' heavy…!
"You…"
Me? Oh…
Lookin' to the left, I see- oh. It's that kappa girl behind the previous incident. She's just here, and seems to be chained to the chair she's in by bands of ofuda.
"Interrogate me." She gives me a crooked smile as she wiggles in her chair. "Took the miko long enough to find you, ah? Have a party, did you?"
"Yeah, yo!" I get excited! "Wit' the booze, and the strippers, and the…!" Taking my hanger, I start smacking the air! "Enh, enh- ooh…!" Almost let go of the thing…!
Some of the water splashes across the table, but the kappa doesn't so much as flinch from the splashes that hit her. With an uneven expression, she blinks at me. "I should have expected this ridicule. But, it still hurts…"
Oof. S'too bad, innit? "Y'know what still hurts?" I turn back to keep filling jugs…
"Enlighten me~." Kappa girl forwards the conversation!
...Ah, shit, I didn't have anywhere to take this. I thought I did!
"The other day…" Time to bullshit! "I slid down this big ravine, dude."
"...Your legs are not broken." Kappa girl informs me flatly.
"Dude- you don't know that!" I choose to be offended about it! "Dude- what if I just like…" Holding up my leg, I begin hopping on one foot, and-
Thud. I land on my ass forcefully! "Aa~h!"
"Wh- what…?" Kappa girl is sufficiently thrown off guard! ...After a moment, she glowers at me, upset. "How- how stupid do you think I am?"
...Standing up, I pretend nothing happened. "I don't! Probably a zillion times better at smart things than me, unless it's the 'not-starting-incidents' subject, in which case I think uu~h, I gotta better track record than you…!"
"You say this, but…" She shakes her head. "Well, it was that yuki-onna who bested me. I hadn't accounted for ice magic in my calculations, and for good reason…"
Four jugs filled! Wait- aren't I just collecting enough for tea? What'm I doing…?
Ah, whatever. I'll just waltz in with like twenty gallons and tell them I bought the entire lake off of Cirno or something.
...I walk over to the restrained kappa girl. Her hair's bobby, short and blue, but distinctly a duller tone than like, Nitori's. Her eyes're deep blue, but I'm gonna assume that's a common kappa thing.
I give her a head pat. "You're friendly, dude."
She gives me a dour glare, but restrains herself from saying anything.
...With that, I walk back towards the jugs. I'll take two into the main room and ask what to do from there. I swear, if I'm asked to brew tea…
"Aren't you going to keep at me?" Kappa girl interrogates me…! "Hakurei sent you in here for a reason."
Pfft. I shake my head. "Nah. She told me ta get 'er some water 'cause she's drunk off her ass…!"
…
"S'fer… s'fer tea." I clarify at her blank stare.
"Just- just go. Take your dripping hanger and dripping mind and put a cork in it." Man, I miss when she was more off the hinges.
"Al~right, yo…" Finally pocketing 'n' disabling my hanger- got the place freakin' wet, I did- I took two jugs- oh fuck nevermind just one…! "Oo~kay! Just one, then…!"
Time to hobble to the door…!
...As I get to it, I bring my leg up to slide it open.
Clack! It slams somewhere in the wall as I take big strides into the room with my jug…!
Befuddled, Maria seems to be cautiously outside. "Wh- what happened in there?"
I shake my head at her. "Oo~h, lemme tell ya… Reimu's got some big jugs…!"
"Ha ha~!" Marisa guffaws from the floor, for the briefest moment, despite otherwise being zonked.
"Wh- what…" Reimu peeks out from under her kotatsu, looking even more tired than before. "Oh… already…"
…Her eyes drifting shut, she shifts onto her side and gets comfy. She's stopped caring, yo.
...Wasn't there like, forms for incident resolution? Where'd Reimu keep those again? Did she ever get them reprinted? Freakin'...!
…
Sakuya is suddenly next to me! Hoh, shit-
She leans onto me, then lays a hand on the big jug I lugged in. "I'll- I'll make… the tea."
If you say so. You'll probably do a better job drunk than I would ever!
She vanishes with the jug, and then there's a new water puddle on the floor to the left of me for some reason. Oh, okay…
...Let's sit at the kotatsu…
I walk up to it, and sit under it. Reimu's conked, so I'll be mindful of her corpse…
Maria exhales. "...So. What now?"
...Y'know, I really dunno! "Weather's freakin' weird. Y'think it's an incident?"
"So soon after the other? No way…" Maria denies it. She says this, but if I remember correctly, the buddhist incident happened right after Reimu beat up Old Hell, so…
Ah, she's probably right though. Maybe some localized phenomena, or some asshole playing with a tool beyond their comprehension. Normal Tuesday in Gensokyo!
…
"We could go check out the lake without the fog, yo." I suggest something to do. Maybe we'll find Cirno and she'll cryo-freeze us for a million years.
...Nodding, Maria gains a confident smile. "I'd like that. The fog made it hard to appreciate last time."
I think these girls'll be alright on their own. If Reimu can sleep at this shrine, so can her and three friends while drunk!
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
With my camou-mono back on- but not my asshole helmet- me and Maria stop before the Misty Lake…
Pretty misty, but not foggy! Actually looks really clear for mist, today, but it's still mist. Also it is fucking warm. Why is it warm here?
"Ah…" Maria feels it too, tugging at her worn but warm clothes a little. "This is… nice. But stuffier than I thought…"
Weird shit. Isn't this one of the more ice-biomey places?
In the bright, encompassing sunlight, I scan the lakeside…
Some girls to the right, some girls and stuff to the left! There's a big mark where that lunarian base thing used to be, so there looks to be some kappa and Eientei rabbits meandering about there.
All around the lakeside's a buncha scattered robot parts, polluting the place. That's not good!
"Hnn~h…" I watch Cirno float by, carrying a big 'n' frayed stringy net full of robot parts from the lake. Some generic water fairies seem to be accompanying her, carrying individual parts-
Clank! Cirno drops her parts just off the shore, the things partially submerged in the water. "Phew…! That was so light, Eye thought it was heavy!"
One of the many generic water fairies turns to her. "Wo~w. I've never been strong enough to feel that sorta thing…" She stares at her own arms…
"Some day you might be half as strong as me! And then you might feel it!" Cirno flexes a non-existent bicep!
...I hear the low hum of a car engine from somewhere, and turn to it. Cars in Gensokyo…?
Ho~ly shit that's a car alright. Not a car as I typically know it, though. This looks like some kinda rover or all-terrain buggy. Seems to be made of vibrant blues and greens, and really rough metal.
Some short friends with bright green and yellow clothing drive up, dim goggles obscuring their eyes as they pull up near the pile of parts Cirno deposited.
Clack- clack, clack, clack. Doors slam as the four kappa get out and move to scavenge the entire net of parts. Kappa have vehicles, then? Well, I did see Nitori's boat awhile ago.
Without talking to the kappa, Cirno immediately abandons the parts she'd hefted up, taking another net from her pocket and flailing it about to expand it. Seems the fairies are voluntarily cleaning the lake, for some reason! S'probably 'cause of their nature affiliation, so they're just compelled to do it…
Spla- splash! The water fairies just dip into the water entirely. Aw…
"Looks like the fairies and kappa are cleaning up…" Maria nods at the happenings, too. "...Even with all this activity, the lake's really pretty. I've never seen so much water in one place before." Oo~h. Wait until I accidentally drop what oceans are…!
"I've never seen so little water in one place before." I echo her sentiments. The sun's pretty and all, but I wish my eyes weren't freakin' half-blinded by its mere presence…!
Oo~h, nice breeze. All this weather makes me wanna do something, but I dunno what yet!
"Mandarin?"
...Someone offers a mandarin to us. Who the frik…
Turning to my right, I see a girl sitting next to us that we hadn't seen before. She was sittin' just off the shore, her legs crossed with a basket of mandarins on her lap.
She had long, blonde hair, but not like neon yellow blonde, like, real world person blonde. She had a freakin' weird black hat thing on her head, with three protrusions, and the top 'n' bottom 'a her dress were orange and green respectively.
Also, black boots! "Hello, youkai friend." She's got this orange… thing on her front. Google tells me it's a tabard, but…! Oh, it's also adorned with a constellation or something. Tiny suns with lines between them!
"...Why?" Maria is skeptical!
...The girl sitting before us tilts her head.
"Ah, whatever, yo." Crouching down, I accept the mandarin! "Sure…"
"Here." She hands it to me, smiling.
...It appears to be a normal mandarin! I start peeling it with my pseudo-wizard finger nails…
Maria blinks at me. "...Are you sure that's safe?"
The blonde girl raises a brow at Maria. "If I wanted to poison someone through a hand exchange, I'd not do it on a busy lakeside like today. Though, I suppose such caution has merit, for one such as yourself."
...I think Maria's pretty sure that was an insult, but she doesn't look like she cares.
...Idly, I pace about as I peel my mandarin and cast its remains to the dirt nearby. Actually, maybe I should keep some skins to throw at a dude later.
"Beautiful day." Unknown girl makes her remarks!
"Yeah…" Maria agrees…
…
"Y'know, yo…" If we're not gonna talk about anything, I'm gonna find some things to talk about! "What's the viability of mandarin peels as a weapon?"
...The girl just turns to me. "I'd say not very." Aww. "With the right magical allocation, I'm sure any fruit could be a makeshift harassment tool, but not a weapon. Unless…"
She holds up a mandarin with her right hand, tossing it up and down.
Slowly, it begins to glow softly, filling with some kind of weird, golden glow…
Woosh! She tosses it into the air over the lake. Despite her throw looking kinda soft, it hurls out there…
Fwoa~m! In the midst of the air, it vanishes, wisps of light-bending blue energy traveling from where it used to be in almost fire-like splashes.
…
Fwuu- fwuu- fwuu~sh! Across the lake, huge geysers erupt!
"Wooaa~h!" Cirno freaks out!
Fwa~sh! One of the geysers is partially frozen!
...The kappa nearby look around, one of them drawing a firearm from their back and aiming it around cautiously while the others haul the net of parts back to the buggy.
Spla~sh! After some moments, all the geysers collapse. Robot parts that had previously sunk to the bottom of the lake were now floating along the top, more accessible to the fairies.
From here, I can see Waka-hoohaha pushing around a clump of them towards the shore across the lake.
"I suppose that's cheating." The girl next to me holds a hand to her chin. "Using it as a mere focus to cast a spell is about the same as casting the spell itself."
...Maria's pretty impressed! "Um, who're you?"
Looking at her, the girl smiles wider. "...I'm afraid, for now, I cannot tell you. It is a secret." Aw, dude…!
Lookin' over at her, I guess! "Hazel."
...She blinks. "Excuse me?"
"Buttercup." Puttin' my money on Buttercup…!
"...No." She shakes her head. "I don't think an outsider could possibly guess-"
"Wood oak!" Quick, guess more…! "Pineapple…?"
"You'll know in time." Sardonically, she glances away… "A few days, in fact. I'd hoped today, but nature's taking its time building up from yesterday's events. Still, everything… seems fine."
Hey now, yo. Them's suspicious words!
"Nature…? What do you mean?" Maria asks for more exposition!
"Nature was wounded, yesterday, but today it is not." Secret girl gives us a single nod. "Tomorrow, it will flourish, and the whole of Gensokyo will know."
"How do you know?" Press 'er, Maria, press 'er!
"...I simply do." With a smug expression, she takes a bite out 'a her mandarin…
...After looking unsure for a moment, Maria looks away, then refocuses on her. "Are-... are you trying to start an incident?"
"Yes." Well, shit…!
"We- we'll stop you!" Oo~h! I guess we're in action…!
Crunch! I take a big bite out of my mandarin. S'pretty good…
...The girl turns 'er head to us, and shakes it. "Do yourselves a favor and reconsider. My powers are beyond your comprehension, and even using danmaku on you right now would be unbecoming on my part."
…
With my mandarin still in my mouth, I take out Deep Blue, twist the valve, 'n' point it at her.
As the water travels to her, it pivots around in the air and begins to splash me instead. Oh, okay…
Amused, she focuses on her mandarin again. "Don't wear yourselves out, now."
Y'know what? "Wheh mi' nh... " Mandarin still in mouth, gotta unequip it…! "We might not be able to fight you, yo…" I point at 'er…! "But we can outwit ya!"
"Oh? Do you suggest a test of intellect, then…?" Standing up, her basket of mandarins floats up beside her. "What do you have in mind?"
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
Inside the Scarlet Devil Mansion garden, we walk up to a thing in the midst of some hedges…!
"Here it is." Meiling lazily waves a hand at the thing. "If anyone of you actually has half a brain to solve it, Mistress would like to talk with you. Have fun…" With that, she turns around and steps away…
We marched over to the mansion, and I asked Meiling if they had any block puzzles. Apparently they do!
"Don't break it, either!" She yells at us from somewhere around the mansion-side!
...From here, it seems to be like…
Four half-person-sized blocks at the corners. In the center is a wide circle, the midst of it having some triangular insertions, but no square holes, especially the size of the blocks. There are blocks 'a square 'n' triangular shapes placed all inside of the circular pad. As fer the pad itself, the edges're blank metal until it gets to a point where it can house blocks without disrupting its circular shape.
Everything looks metal, which is uncharacteristic for this mansion's purposes...
"...Looks complicated." Maria gazes at it blandly. "We probably have to shift the blocks around until they're all in there."
...The girl of many secrets we brought with us just gazes down it with a tinge of confusion. "What's something like this doing back here…?"
I grin at her. "Little do you know, yo, vampires specialize in block puzzles to hide their loot."
"It's not that." She blinks at the big circular pad on the floor. "Nevermind. It's also a little unlike what it should look like, but it's probably better that way."
Yeah, sure. "...To be honest, I didn't really think they'd have a block puzzle. I dunno how to make it competitive!"
She holds a hand up… then lowers it. "It's not radioactive, so it should be safe to play around with." Radioactive? What're you talkin' about…?
…
I stare at her expectantly, until she stares at me in turn. "...Hmm?"
"Help." I walk over to a block, and start trying to pu~sh…! Oh. I can't even move it. "Help…!"
...She appears jaded. "I expected something more competitive. I shall not aid you in solving this."
Aww. "...Alright, yo. Guess I'll come back to it later." Freakin'... block puzzle.
It's pretty warm at the mansion, right now. I'm sweating in my kimono…
Hmm~. "Let's go inside, yo. We gotta go around…" I think. There's probably some back doors, but-
"Oh, there's no need." Mystery girl floats towards the back of the mansion, since we're pretty much behind it…
Once she gets near it, she knocks on an arbitrary part of the back wall-
Crea~k. Uu~h. A door just… opens on the back. Like, not even a door door. Just, the wall flaps open like a double door, and reveals some of the mansion interior.
Inside seems to be… floor? Looking straight ahead, we see the carpeted floor of one of the halls.
"What the he~ll…" Marchin' up and peeking my head inside, I look around…
This doorway leads to the ceiling of some hallway.
The girl drifts in, and rotates herself seamlessly to land on her legs.
...I climb inside-
Thud. -A~nd fall on my face, cool. Well, my arms, but-
Thud. Oww~! Maria landed on me…
"Alright…" Mystery magic girl begins to drift ahead. "Where to?"
Freakin', that's the worst question in this mansion…!
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
We're i~n the library!
Koakuma sets down the Chinese Checkers board on the table we've all stationed at. "Here you go~!"
"Thank you." With a nod, blonde mystery girl waves the succubus off.
"Thank you, Koakuma." Patchy waves her off, too. "...You may stay, if you do not disrupt."
"C'mo~n." With a smug, hungry grin, she slides up to the mystery girl. "She's got a lo~tta mana. And…" Leaning forward as the mystery girl gazes ahead blandly, Koakuma tries to steal a kiss on the cheek-
WOOSH
Bam! Flung by a particularly well-aimed, mean gust of wind, Koakuma flops against a nearby bookshelf like a ragdoll. "Faa- aah…!"
Patchy snorts under her breath. "O- oh."
Yeah, oh.
Maria blinks with wide eyes, having sat next to the mystery girl.
"...That was an awfully quick incantation." Makin' some remarks, Patchy sets the board up before us… telekinetically! "Do you specialize in wind magic?"
"You could say that…" The girl before us tilts her head back and forth. "Tell me, magi, what do you detect?"
"Nothing human, certainly." Patchy rotates the board for no reason once the pieces are all set up. "...Nothing biological, either. Not in the traditional sense. Would you mind if I spoiled your divinity?"
"A little late to ask that." With a half-smile, the girl shifts her posture and sets her arms on the table, getting ready to play… "But, I don't mind. Perhaps it will serve as a clue to these two."
Divine, yeah? So she's a god? Tha~t'd figure. What'd happen if Koakuma fucked a god? Must you fuck god to become god…!?
Oh, right, Chinese Checkers.
Patchy snaps her fingers-
Fwish. A purple arrow generates in the air before us, spinning around until it lands on the mystery girl. "You go first, rotate counter-clockwise. Go."
She moves her cyan marble outward…
...A~nd it's my turn immediately.
…
Just rea~lized the last time I played Chinese Checkers, hoo~h… I, uh, don't got a number quote on that, but it was awhile ago, lemme tell ya!
I move my piece outward. I remember that much!
Patchy moves her piece telekinetically, while holding up a book magically and bringing a cup of warm Cocoa over with her mind. "...So, what misfortune has caused you to fall into such company? Have the Moriya syphoned the faith to critical levels again?"
"I'm not a Shinto-affiliated deity." God friend reveals!
Maria moves her piece…
God herself ladies and gentlemen moves another piece a space. "...If you win, I'll tell you my name."
I move my piece! "...So, we moving our pieces to the other spawn point, o~r…?"
Movin' her piece, Patchy gives me a vain stare. "You picked this game and don't know how to play it."
I shrug at her! "I- aah, I dunno! ...All I know yo, this game's as deceptive as the Chinese themselves!"
After Maria's move, god girl goes. "You'd find yourself quite right with that assessment, I believe." Freakin'...
…
Also, damn this is a long game…! I really gotta get all these pieces over there? Oh, shit…!
"If you lose…" God girl smiles at me. "...You tell me your name."
It's like strip poker, except Chinese Checkers, and with personal information. Does your Social Security Number count as underwear for this game…? I don't think Gensokyo even has that kinda system. Everyone probably gets pincodes when they set up a bank account and that's that.
"What if I don't, yo?" I challenge her! "What're you gonna do, yo?"
Bam! Behind us, Koakuma is slammed into the floor. "Hnh- aah…"
...I nod. "Point taken, well made…!"
"Thank you." She nods at me respectfully. Freakin'...
Click, clack, clack, click. Moving orbs…!
Clack, clack. This already happened like a million times, but I make my orb jump over some of my own orbs. Basically, you can't kill each other, but you can fuck- I mean, play leapfrog with any piece, and use them to get to the other spawn. Y'can jump as many times as you are able!
"Can we cuddle?" I turn to Patchy.
"Ask Koakuma." Patchy dismisses me. "That's what she's there for." Son…
Patchy's turn-
Click. -is done.
Maria's turn…
…
Click. Took her time-
Click. A~nd, that's god's turn! No~w it's… my turn…
…
…
I move one piece-
Click, click, click. Patchy, chill…!
Click. Maria moves her piece-
Click, click, click! I know you're god, but…!
Man, how in the nine fucks are they already halfway done? I just got my stuff outside the spawn except not really!
Clack. I made my-
Clack, click, click, click! It's like playing against the AI…!
Clack, clack. Maria makes a meager double jump-
Cla- cla- cla- cla- clack. Holy cow…!
...I move my piece once, making it look like I'm slowly dying as I do so. "Ee~nh…"
Cla- clack, cla- clack, clack clack. Yeah, just use my pieces as a ladder…
Clack. Maria does a single jump…
Click- clack, click- click, clack. Oo~h…
...I pick up my marble.
…
I slo~wly bring it forward one space.
…
As I bring my hand down, I flip it over. "Oh, rip. Dude, I'm dead…!"
Maria snorts!
...The other girls just give me trying stares…!
Vaguely intimidated, I put the marble down in the slot…
Cla- clack- cla- cla- clack. Patchy hacks the mainframe.
"Dude, what if Chinese Checkers had lasers?" I propose!
...Patchy holds up a hand as Maria thinks-
Fwa~m! She fires a red beam into the airspace-
Fwam- fwam! God girl launches some blue ones into the air!
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
Well, that… took awhile.
Patchy sets the final piece into the spawn of god girl across the board. "There."
"My, my~..." God girl smiles at Patchy. "You've had practice, haven't you?"
"Only too much." Glancing down at her book again, Patchy sips from her third cup of cocoa.
...We never set the terms for if a third party won. Help. Patchy just came along 'n' pulled an AK47 out from under her hat!
"Well, what do you desire?" The god smiles at her. "...A job, perhaps?"
"Aha. Good joke." Patchy declines. "If you could bring me some of those nil stones some curious youkai have been dropping, recently, I would be grateful."
...God girl just blinks. "That's… that's it?"
"Mmhmm." Patchy flips a page of her book. "Now, if you will…" She begins drifting off. "I'm going to go rejuvenate. This was enough social interaction for one day."
A~nd now we're three. Koakuma seems to have fucked off at some point, for probably obvious reasons.
...God girl looks at me expectantly, sitting in her chair neatly. Y'know what, yo…?
Reachin' into my bag… I take out my 3DS.
"He~re we are, yo…" It's the good one. "We're gonna play some smash, yo."
God girl blinks. "...What… is that device?"
"The good one." Yeah, I'm descriptive! "...Since you don't have one, we're gonna take turns fighting level nines or something!"
"Doing what now?" She blinks at me!
Flippin' the 3DS open, I slide up ta her. "Like this, yo…" I start showing her some things! But, first, menu navigation… "Okay, here…"
Starting up a match as Mario against a random level one, I show her how controls work. "Stick ta move, A to… smash, B to be special, aa~h, jump wit' these, guard…"
"...Some outside world technology, then." She nods… "Alright, I think I've got a grasp on it."
You've watched me play for literally two sentences. Ah, whatever, she'll probably be really good at it just 'cause she's a god. Probably really damn smart!
I hand the 3DS over to her, and she starts moving Mario around 'n' attacking the air…
Hoh. I look away…
Maria looks intrigued! Probably for good reason-
A~nd, that's someone who shouldn't be here! There's a gap open in the background...
...Noticing my gaze, Yukari sticks a hand out and waves at me.
I'm tempted to give her the middle finger, but I think god girl here'd get the wrong idea.
"Ah…" Speakin' of, god girl looks over at me and tilts her head to the device. "What's this?"
Wha's whah wha?
Lookin' over at her, I look at the screen…
Bowser's off being a retard since he's level one, but she's got Mario pointed at a~...
That's a gap. A- wh- she can just do that? Didn't she do that before, actually? Aw, yo. I wonder if Yukari can fight a god-controlled Mario...
God girl makes Mario move to the gap, and jump into it.
...Oh. Well. What, she gonna gap Mario outta freakin'-
Clack.
"Hmm~?" Oo~h shit that's Mario's vague vocal hum.
I turn and see him lookin' around. That's freakin' him alright, too.
...Pursing her lips, god girl shut the 3DS, turning to him. "Oh, dear. I wonder how that could've happened." ...I've got a feeling she knows Yukari's antics already.
"What… just happened?" Making a pleasant expression, Maria is totally lost on what just happened.
Mario sees us, and we see him!
…
Turning around, he nears the bookshelf behind himself-
"Hoh!" -and jumps, clearing the entire height of the bookshelf and then some but not going over it.
Clack. He lands, then makes a beeline over to us…
Shorter yet taller than anticipated! He's about normal human size, and seems to have vaguely adopted the shading of Gensokyo, but not by much.
"You look lost." God girl speaks to him once he approaches her. "Welcome to Gensokyo, outsider."
Mario just blinks at her.
"...If you wish to know more, I'd ask around. I'm in little position to give you a tour right now." God girl smiles at him, then gives him a nod. "I doubt you'll see more of me after today. But, who knows?"
…
"Hoo~!" Mario does a short jump over her-
Ti~ng! God girl shields herself with her arm, which in turn makes a temporary flash of magic to reverse his momentum. "Don't do that."
Clack. Landing on the carpet again, Mario runs about in a few three-sixties, before running over to me.
"Hello, friend." I greet the plumber…! "It's a fluff nugget kinda day."
...Nodding at that-
"Hoh!" He jumps-
Clack! -and lands on the table, before doing three-sixties on it, too.
"He's… energetic." Maria's not sure what to say, and neither am I…! Yukari seemingly teleported some variant of Mario into reality…!
"...I suppose I must be going." God girl gets up and prepares to leave us with freakin' Mario. "It's been a pleasure, but I have some… errands to attend to. You two do whatever it is you do, though. I wouldn't recommend going outside too often, tomorrow. Well, unless you love nature, of course."
"Wh- what's that supposed to mean…!?" Taken aback by the implications, Maria gets on the offensive again! "...I- I know what I say doesn't mean much, but don't break anything, please?"
"Hehehe~..." The god giggles at her. "Worry not. I don't intend to cause harm. Just, stir the pot a little, so to speak…"
"Hoo~!" Mario jumps at her again-
Ti~ng! She reflects his momentum again, not even bothering to comment on it this time as she begins to float off…
…
"Well…" Maria stands up, and stretches… "Nnn~. What now…?"
...I look over at Mario, then at her.
To be honest, I have no real inclination to go anywhere! All the heroines are drunk-... wait.
All the heroines are drunk, which means Sakuya's not here. If Sakuya's not here, there's no one to get angry at me mining the walls…!
"Al~right, I got our plan!" It is time to inform the friends of the plan! "We are going to go mine for ores."
...Maria blinks. "Um… I- I don't really do that sort of thing. I mean-"
"Abebadaboobadababadaboo?" ...What did you just fucking call me, Mario?
"You say what now?" Mario, I can't understand freakin' non-existent pseudo-Italian. Whatever the hell you're saying seems to slip past Yukari's word warrior barrier as well.
"Hmm~...?" Mario seems to recognize that I can't understand him, but just rubs his chin in response.
...From the side of Mario's head that Maria can't see, a small gap opens in the air, and Yukari whispers something out to him.
"Woah!?" That's kinda a disproportionate 'woah' for barely turning your head…!
The gap closes.
...Mario looks over at me, before clearing his throat. "I- ah- I was 'a told to 'a speak slower…" Ho~ly shit he talks.
"Aah, you can speak…" Blinking, Maria seems surprised, too. "Who're you?"
Jerking his head back, Mario seems surprised for a moment, before shaking it off. "I should 'a expect that question, by now. It'sa me, Mario!" He does a small jump to accent his point!
"...Hi, Mario." Maria gives him a casual greeting.
He looks over at me…
Gettin' up from my chair, I point a thumb at my chest! "...I'm fluffy, dude."
"He's Brad." Maria amends dryly.
"Nice 'a to meet you!" He tips his hat to us! "...Do 'a any of you know where we are?"
"A~ table." I gesture to the table.
He blinks.
In an effort to be more useful than me, Maria speaks! "Um, the Scarlet Devil Mansion…?"
"A mansion?" Mario looks around at the dim airspace above the shelves a little more receptively. "Just what I 'a needed. Teleported to a ghost house…!"
Aw, the scarlet devil ghost house dude.
"...What 'a world is this?" Mario looks around… "Oh! Do 'a any of you know the Mushroom Kingdom?"
I nod! "Yeah, yo!"
"Hoh!" Mario does a short leap! "Do you 'a know how to get there!?"
"Nope." I give him a compromising smile.
...He does a lil slouch. "Oo~h. Well, ah… any of 'a you seen a warp pipe?"
Gonna be brutally honest! "Do~n't think they exist here!"
...After blinkin' summore, Mario shakes his head, bringin' a hand to his chin again. "I'm sure there's 'a some way…"
Well, while you consider that…! "Me 'n' Maria are gonna do some dungeoneering, yo. We're gonna delve deeper inta' this mansion, and we're gonna… we're gonna grab coins!" Ho ho!
"Is that 'a so…" Mario nods at that idea…! "I should 'a go with you. These houses aren't 'a made for people like 'a you and me." You can say that again…!
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
After being lost in the shelves for a few moments, I stop us in a hallway immediately outside the library…
"Yo, hold up!" I hold up the friends! "...Yo."
I near a wall menacingly as the two slow to a stop behind me…
Takin' Hard Winter from my bag, I charge it with energy and in turn charge my muscles! "We're goin' minin', yo. Wall minin'!
"...So that's what you meant." Maria looks pensive about this… "Brad, I- I wouldn't. Scarlet, she'd-"
"What Remi dunno dude, is what Sakuya dunno. And, nearly twenty four hours 'a day, Sakuya's patrolling these halls like a freakin' worker bee. But, today…"
...Maria blinked. "She's drunk and recuperating at the shrine." Wahaha!
Bam! I hit the wall!
"Ho ho…!" Mario recoils from the sound! "...Oo~h. Some walls are 'a destructible…!" Some? They're all destructible, son.
Bam, bam, bam! Mini~ng!
Ba- crack! After some strokes, I cleave a small hole into the wall!
...A~nd bam! Hoo~h… bam!
Crack! The~re we go. Some more good strikes and there's a proper hole, big enough for me to crawl through I think. And, if it fits me, it'll probably fit Maria… and I'm sure Mario'll pull some weird shit off or something.
Cla- clack. Throwing the hanger through, I dive in. "Hoo~p!"
Thud. Sliding through the uneven-ass hole- not to be confused with an uneven asshole- I land on my arms on the inside. "Oo~f…"
"Oh…" Mapleweather! Hi, Mapleweather! "It's you. No wonder."
"Hehehe~y! I'm crawlin' through the wall to take yer stuff!" I inform her of my intent! "Gimme gimme gimme!" I begin flailing my arms at the carpet…!
"Well, it's not my room, so~..." She just kinda looks away.
This red-haired fairy with stockings and just her undergarments, for some reason, gets up. "Bo- boy…!"
Thrustin' my legs through, I- oh shit!
Thud. I land on my back. Ooo~...
"Aa- aaa~h…!" A short, poofy fairy girl with long purple hair and long twin tails fluffs up…! "...Ge- get~t ou~t…!" Wow. For yelling, her voice is very soft and fluffy…
I get up as Maria starts to climb through. "Yo ho ho~..."
It is one of many generic fairy maid bedrooms! And these-
"Raa~h…!" The poofy, lavender-haired fairy maid sprints over to me at walking speed, and starts pattering her fists against my shoulders. "Nnha~h…!"
Wow. She's cuddly…
Maria barely gets through onto her legs. "Wo- woah…"
...Mario seems to have jumped and crouched at the same time, getting himself stuck exactly in the small hole I made-
Bam- bam- bam- bam! He starts jumping rapidly while stuck inside, wiggling his way out…!
The red-haired, ponytailed fairy maid stomps up to us, but doesn't seem to know what to do…!
Hmm~. Mining through walls is gonna be cumbersome if it takes me half my stamina to tear into one…
Slipping away Hard Winter, I take out the Bawmber. Ignoring the fluffy maids, I go to the other end of the room. "Yo, Maria, help me blow up this wall!" We're gonna dig until we find something interesting! That, or inadvertently find Remilia's room and blow the whole operation.
"Wh-... what?" Lavender fluffy maid half-deflates, before fluffing up again! "You're… no, don't!"
"Why not, yo, why not?" I shake my hanger at her! "We're lookin' for credits, dude."
Maria steps into the room uncertainly. "Uu~m. Why're you- aah!" The red-haired fairy runs up to her and gets in her face!
"What're you doing in our room?" The fairy looms down over her, ignoring me entirely.
...Once he's inside, Mario seemingly ignores the fluffy girls and runs up to a nearby drawer-
"Hya!" He throws his fist forward-
Bam! A drawer flies out on hit-
Clack. It's just full of panties.
Bam! He hits it again with his other fist, causing another drawer to slide out-
Clack. Maid outfits!
Bam! He hits it once more-
Di~ng! A coin materializes above his head, before vanishing. The final drawer slides out, empty except for some socks and things. What the frik.
...Lumbering up to the fairy who's givin' Maria a hard time, I grin at her. "Hi."
The fairy looks over at me. "...What's up?"
"You, son." I wave my hanger about! "I'm gonna blow up the wall, and no one's gonna stop me…!"
"Sto- stop…" The fluffy maid stumbles towards me, winded… "Please…"
...I turn to her. Freakin'-
As she nears me, she protrudes upon my personal space and leans into me. Oh, good.
"You can't hurt me…" She presses her form into mine. "I'm lovable."
Wat.
...Bringing my arms up, I try to push her-
They stop short, instead rolling past her and wrapping around her.
She hugs onto me. "I love you…"
"Uh- hey, Maria…" I stumble back, getting snuggled by the petite fairy. "I'm being mind controlled or something help."
"What…?" Maria blinks at the fairy, bringing up her staff… "Fi- ah…"
Parting from me, the girl wraps herself around Maria nimbly, hugging her instead. "Do- don't. I love you…!"
...Maria lets go of her staff, hugging the fairy. "I- I…" Freakin'...!
...I bring my arm up, slowly regaining the ability to oppose her! "Now you done incurred my wrath, son." Raising the Bawmber-
Springing off of Maria, the fairy clings to me again. "You don't ha- have to. Let's- let's… be friends."
...Under her gaze, I drop the bomb hanger-
Boom!
Pi~chun! The gamble worked! My legs kinda hurt, but it was worth it!
"Yo ho ho~!" Stumbling back, I look around…!
The scantily-clad fairy maid just kinda steps back, facepalming… "Uu~gh…"
Moving the back wall, I point at it! "Daa~h…"
Sliding Hard Winter back out jankily- freakin'... there we go! I get it out a~nd uneasily slam it into the floor-
Kring! A half-person-sized spike of ice formed in the wall! At the expense of a good portion of my mana…!
Droppin' Hard Winter and pocketing the Bawmber- 'cause on second thought I don't think I need it- I take out Flame Salvo. "Yo, Maria, we're gonna make that ice explode!"
"Ah…" She blinks. "Okay…"
Crea~k! Mario jumps on the bed repeatedly, messing it up…
Mapleweather jumps up off of it. "Gee~z…" Looking over at me, she smirks. "You got any beer in that bag 'a yours?"
I should've stolen some from Matt's bar so I could barter with the fairy people… "Nah, yo. Sorry, friend."
"Aah. S'okay." She looks back at Mario jumping on the bed like a lunatic…
Bam- bam- bam! He's hitting his head on the ceiling repeatedly, too…!
Magic friend takes Flame Salvo from me, and aims it at the ice…
Fwoo~m! Heat bea~m!
...It starts to melt instead of explode. Freakin'- s'my ice not cold enough…!? We need more heat!
"Red fairy whatever, use your fire magic!" Help! "Mario- you know how to cast magic!?"
"Use- cast 'a what?" Freakin'- you use fire magic every time you use a fire flower! How do you not know magic!?
"I'm a revenge fairy, not a fire fairy!" Revenge fairy barks at us!
"Just help us out, yo…!" Use your revenge energy or whatever, then…!
Reluctantly, she comes up and lays her hands on the edges of the hanger too-
Fwam! Sudden surge of power compared to my contribution-
Boom! Ice explosion!
Maria cuts power to the hanger-
Choo~m! An additional, red projectile is fired from it before the fairy lets go-
Fwam! It scuffs the intact portion of the wall it struck.
"Aah…" She lets go of the hanger. "That felt good…"
Do~n't get used to it! Marching forward, I enter the next room…
This room's got a single, blue-haired maid in a bed, sound asleep. A maid with black hair is sitting across from her on a little wooden chair, staring at us like we blew up a wall or something.
Fuck it, yo, fuck it! Putting away my handheld flamethrower, I take out the Bawmber and Hard Winter, buff up, put up, shut up and enh enh- etcetera!
Running forward, I ready to assault the wall. "Get outta the way, yo, get out the wa-"
Boom! Oo~h!
Bam! Bastard damage, son.
Boom! Oww~.
Crack! Great progress made-
Boom. Fuck, ow, ow, too much…
Stumbling back, I fall onto my ass, the blast damage getting to me-
Boom. The hanger explodes off to the side as I fall onto my back. Oof…
...Maria steps up to me, and stares down. "Um… are… are you okay? Brad?"
I give 'er a thumbs up…!
"...Are you okay okay?" She asks the real question…
...I give 'er a thumbs down. Oof…
...While I'm down, Maria steps past me, and begins to lift up Hard Winter… "Nn~h." Oh, hey.
"It- it has a self buff." I inform her from the floor. "Go, yo…"
...As Maria experiments, Mario walks in with the empty drawer from before, and-
Bam! -tosses it into the wall like a block, shattering it and smashing a small hole in the wall.
Running back, he seems to wind up for a running start, before running up to the low hole he made-
-and sliding through it after crouching. Freakin', fancy shmancy, huh…
...Taking Hard Winter with her, Maria moves to the hole and crouches down to crawl through it.
...As I get up, I look over at the black-haired fairy we disturbed!
She's just blinking at me.
"Hi, friend." I greet her.
"Please leave." Sure…
"Have a good one, yo." I give her a cordial parting as I crawl through a tiny hole out of her room...
I also put the bomb hanger away 'cause fu~ck that, for now!
Next room on the red room rondo…!
There's two beds together, but they're empty.
"Nn~h…" There's a tall, white-haired fairy with short, bobby hair. Like, tall. Taller than me. "Oh. Someone broke our wall aga~in…"
"Wasn't me~!" A voice came out from under the bed…!
A girl with short, red hair crawled out, before getting onto her legs… a~nd she's also like fucking seven feet tall. What is this…!?
"...You girls're tall!" I comment on their height while Mario just silently runs around like the stoic thief he is.
"You're pretty tall, too." The one on the left smiles at me. "You're a human, aren't you…?"
Hoh. "Yeah, yo. Now, if ya don't mind, I wanna blow up your other wall!"
"Oh, I can help you with that…" The tall, white-haired fairy moves to the wall, and places her hand on the cabinet there… "Nine-chan, help me move this cabinet…"
Nine-chan, huh. S'weird name… and she don't look like a Cirno...
"Eleven-cha~n…" Nine-chan marches up to help her… "You need to drink more milk. You need more iron…"
"Milk's calcium, I think…" Eleven-chan starts to push the cabinet…
...So they're… nine and eleven. Nine eleven fairies helping me blow up a wall. What the fu-
Crea~k. The door to the room opens, and a brown-haired fairy walks in, followed by~... yo! Brittany follows her in!
Ah, s'that fairy named seven. Seven, nine, and eleven! Where'd, uh, eight and ten go?
"...Woah." Brittany looks around. "We miss something?"
"Yes." I nod at her, pointing at the wall where Nine and Eleven are pushing the cabinet. "I'm about to nine-eleven this wall over here with Nine and Eleven."
...Nodding, I point at the corner of the room, where Mario's trying to crawl under a desk. "Also, there's Mario."
Brittany looks over at him.
…
"Wah- what the fuck." Wahaha!
So…
Me and a timid mage… and Super Mario are getting the help of Nine and Eleven to nine-eleven a wall in a vampire's mansion while crossdressing feminized me from another dimension walks in on the scene.
Gensokyo's… Gensokyo's kinda fucking weird, dude…!
With the cabinet out of the way, Eleven mounts her arms to the wall. "Ready when you are…!"
"Wh- why're we doing this again…?" Nine blinks as she mounts her arms to the wall, too.
"To help our guests!" With that, Eleven starts to glow-
KABOOM
Jesus Christ! Woa~h…!
...As the smoke fades, I see that they've not only annihilated the back wall, they left a hole in the floor.
Sprintin' forward despite my discomfort, I dart through the smoke and across the edges of the floor, and get into the next room…!
Running into the room, I look around frantically once I get out of the smoke-
Oh, hey, Nine and Eleven survived, they just blew themselves into here. So… Nine and Eleven are bomb elemental. Yukari- who in the nine fucks…
...I look to the right-
Oh, that's Remilia's bed. And that's Remilia, sitting up in her bed! We blew a hole… right into the wall adjacent to her bed.
Oh.
...I just kinda stare at her, and she stares at me!
...Sighing, she flops back into her bed.
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
"So…" Awake and dressed, Remilia looms over us all…!
"Nine and Eleven." Remilia glowers at the bomb fairies. "...When a stranger requests to detonate our property, do not listen."
"Sorry~..." They bow before her, apologizing in monotone.
Next, she steps up to me… "Brad, if you wanted a challenge, there's a myriad of puzzling challenges and perils I've left for meandering morons such as yourself. Ones that don't include superimposing yourself into the mansion's walls."
"Oh, yeah, that reminds me…!" Funny story! "I dropped by this mansion wit' a god earlier! We played Chinese Checkers, and looked at that weird ass block puzzle you had in the backyard."
"Oh? Did you solve it?" Remilia blinks curiously…
"Di~dn't even start. Girl didn't wanna help us…" Help, no.
"Ah. Pity." Remilia dismissed the notion, before stepping over to Maria. "...You."
"I- I'm sorry, I'm sorry…" Maria bows her head repeatedly. "Ve- very sorry. Um…"
...She looks up to see Remilia grinning down at her.
"Is that so…?" Leisurely, the vampire loomed over the mage girl… "You know, we do have a vacancy in our staff, as of recent…"
"Nope!" I scoot on the floor to get closer to Maria…!
...The two girls just glance over at me.
"There a~re no vacancies, yo." I insist! "...An' if there were, it'd be a joint venture, yo."
...Remilia meets my eyes, smirking. "Is she important to you, then? My word, are you someone… with a family, perhaps? Fufufu~!"
I shake my head. "This is a girl from simple means with a simple heart, yo! You will not get her without a long, drawn out and relatively pathetic fight on my part!"
...Hands on her hips, Remilia shifts her posture. "She has to repay me for your stupidity somehow, since obviously you are incapable of even being debted without that going wrong somehow." ...Smiling again, she steps back towards me. "Tell me. What is she, to you?"
Oo~h, let's see. A friend… should I say blood relative or no? Would it matter? Oh- wait, that reminds me…
"She's Marisa's niece're something." I give Remilia a wide grin. "Why don'cha talk wit' her?"
...Remilia blinks. "...Say that again?"
"She's Marisa's niece, I think." I repeat more simply…!
"...You're not lying, then." Remilia gives me a dour stare. "Of all the luck. One does not so simply go a day without being annoyed by the black-white, no no no…"
As she steps off, ignoring Maria now, I speak up! "But, yo, I can still repay ya!"
...Remilia just turns to me with a look of self-actualization. "Enlighten me."
I give her a big, toothy grin. "They call me doctor dynamite superteeth, son. I can give ya a dental checkup…!"
"No- that's quite enough." Wahaha! "I'm sure I may simply ask Sakuya to sodomize the staff when she gets back. I'm sure she'll be in the perfect mood for it, too."
"We are sorry~. Honest, and for truly…" Eleven reinforces her bow.
Nine just kinda wistfully sighs. Uh…?
"...Now, then." Remilia turns to the tubby italian man jumping on her tea table. "Who the hell are you?"
Clack. Landing, Mario looks over at her…
"Speak." Remilia glowers at him.
Doin' a short hop off, Mario walks up… "Ah- abebedede- boobadabadabebada!"
...Remilia's brow twitches. "Wh-... wha…? Whah?"
Clearing his throat, Mario tries again. "Ah- 'a sorry, 'a sorry. I 'a thought this was one 'a them 'a ghost houses, so I 'a followed those two."
"Italian…" Remilia smirks. "Quite a strange place for such a language. And, no, if you wanted a legitimate ghost house, you'd go west more, if you set out from the shrine. Who even let you in here?" Sounds like she's talkin' about the Prismriver's place!
"Aah- I was 'a on my way for some cake and ice cream at the castle, but 'a this portal opened, so I 'a jumped in to investigate!" Midway through his sentence, he brought up his hands to gesticulate a bunch.
Say whah? Wasn't he from Smash? Or, did Yukari actually get this Mario from some freakin' alternate reality? What the frik…
"...That's nice." Remilia wasn't sure what to make of that. "Well, leave and don't come back. Stop jumping on my maids and furniture, too, if you would kindly. The floor is made for walking."
"Yukari gapped him in." I reveal!
"Intrusive hag." Remilia spits out an insult! "Of course. Be that as it may, three rooms of fairy quarters damaged is only a minor setback. What's more pressing is this wall of mine…" Sighing, she holds a hand to her chin. "I'll have to contact Meiling. Sakuya will be in no condition for construction repairs for a day or so…"
...Looking over us, she waved her hand. "Shoo, shoo. Go about your things, as long as they don't involve property damage on my premise. Except for you, Nine and Eleven. Stay."
"Aww~h…" The fairies whine.
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
Outside the great voompire room, me 'n' Maria are back in the halls once more…
Immediately, Brittany convenes on us, having kept herself carefully outside the premise at that time. "He~y, you."
"Hello, noob." I greet… her? Him? Oo~f. "The sun is angry at you, son."
"Ah- yeah, let it be." She waves off my warning…!
...Mario begins to run down the hall without me 'n' Maria. Have fun!
"I had this made for you." Brittany reaches down into her cleavageless top and pulls out a fuckin' doohickey. "It'd kinda suck if you never had this experience, so, here."
I accept the emerald and brass key. It has adornments of leaves etched onto it, as well as some scrawls in some fuckin' weird language.
"Oo~h…" I marvel at it. "...'M I s'post' ta~, shove it up my ass're somethin'?"
"Yes." Dryly, Brittany steps back, propping her arms on her hips… "Fly above Youkai Mountain, northwest from Bhava-Agra- pretend the tip's north- and east of the gates of Hakugyokurou. Find the flower, and hold out that key."
She gave me the keys to the bus, du~de! "...You tellin' me Game Genie codes?"
"No. Well, yes- no. Just, do that when you get a chance to." Shakin' her head, Brittany turns away 'n' begins walking off... "You'll like it, I think. See ya- got a hot date I gotta make it to, and, y'know yeah..." Run, yo, run!
Aw. This here's rea~lly neat.
…I put away the fancy key. "Well, that happened!" I wanted to make a joke about her hitting on me, but it slid. Oh, well.
"...Her name was Brittany, right?" Maria watches her meander off.
I nod. "Ye." Let's see~. Where should we head next…
"She looks a little like you." Maria makes the observation.
"Aw, gee, I wonder why…" It'd be a bit of a waste to leave the mansion after stopping by for just a couple games 'n' stuff, so we could go socialize with the fairy folk for awhile or something… "We should go meet some of the fairies and wander the halls, yo."
...At that, Maria looks around a little and nods. "Sure. I feel… like there's more to this place, than what we're seeing, but I can't put my finger on it…"
Hoh.
Walking away from Remilia's room, I march into the scarlet halls, with Maria behind me!
Back to the arcadic roots, dude. Me, some hangers, the optional friend and endless hallways of adventure and malnourishment!
...After we walk forward enough and take some weird turns, we reach the populated halls. Fairy folk, dude.
Everyone's really excited and talkative right now, so I can't make out anything…!
"I hear- I hear Mistress is going to open a cake… cake bureau. Sana-chan, what's a cake bureau- I mean bureau?"
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!" Chill, yo…!
"I want more stuff…!"
"Dial-chan- Dial-chan- look at what I made!"
"Wow- that's amazing, wow!"
What the hell's everyone even talking about…!?
I look over at Maria, to see her intimidated by the wealth of fairies!
...From the hyper horde, a platinum-haired one runs up to me, and smiles widely. "Oh- hey, it's you, that human person…!"
"Hi~?" I wave at he~r…?
"Yeah, hi, hey…!" She freakin' jumps in place, getting all hyper…
The fairies are really freakin' uppity looking today…! Who won the lottery!?
"Let's jump up super high!" Some yellow-haired fairy crouches-
Bam! She jumps up into the ceiling, embeds herself in it, but doesn't explode and die. Um…?
...For some reason, I smell a mix of nice perfume, too. Aw, good smelling fairies.
"Um…" Slowly, Maria begins speaking with her. "Why're you all so worked up?"
"I- I don't kno~w…!" Hopping in place, the white-haired fairy got even closer to us…! "I like you guys!"
"...Thanks?" Maria takes a few cautious steps back-
The fairy hugs onto her. "You're so cu~te!"
"A- ah…" Maria tenses up, before relaxing into the hug. "Th- thank you…"
...After a moment of hugging, the fairy reels her head back and suddenly kisses her!
"Mmm- mmh!?" Maria struggles against it, dropping her staff as she does so…!
"Yo- yo, whaddaya doin'...!?" Intervening, I put my arms between the fairy and her. "Waz good, fae!?"
"Mwah!" The fairy breaks her kiss. "Hehehe~! I- I feel so goo~d!"
"Get- get off…!" Maria starts to punch her in the stomach, to little avail…!
Takin' out my tried and true Fairy Harp, I aim it at her! "Girl- you recognize this? You recognize this, girl…!?"
The platinum-haired fairy locks eyes with the hanger, before smiling at me. "I- I can take on the wo~rld!" Parting from Maria, she brings her arms up and nears me-
Whack! I slide up 'n' clonk 'er! Freakin'...
"Onh…" Clutching her jaw, she stumbles back, before smiling. "Hey, hey!"
Fwa~sh!
Dazzling light blooms forth from her hands, before flickering out.
"Ah- ah…!" Hastily and clumsily grabbing her staff, Maria runs up to me and a little behind. "Our- our magic… sh- she just syphoned us!"
Woah, what? Holy fairies!? I try to channel through Fairy Harp, a~nd, nothing! Oof…
The fairy rushes towards me with her arms outstretched. "Hehehe~-"
Whack! I hit 'er in the jaw, again! "Son- syphon doesn't stop me from beatin' ya freakin' head in…!"
"Nn~gh…" Recoiling, she crouches down-
Oof! She tackles into my stomach, and- woah woah woah what the fuck, where's this strength of hers coming from…!?
I'm slowly pushed down into the emptier portion of the hallway, the fairy freakin' hauling ass, her shoes pounding the carpet as she tries to sprint with her forehead in my gut-
Thunk, thunk! I hit 'er in the spine a bit!
"Nngh…" After a moment, she relents-
Thud. A~nd, I'm on my ass.
...Maria comes up from behind the fairy with a medium lookin' vase-
Cra~ck! -and shatters it on her head.
"Oh- oh…" The fairy girl holds her head… "Ehehe~! My- my head's cu~t, my head's cu~t…" That's not something to chant about…!
That's it, yo. Time to tank it out…!
Takin' out Hard Winter, I ge~t up onto my legs…
"Aah…!" The fairy grapples Maria into a hug, again! "Br- Brad!"
I reel the big ass hanger back…! "Ho, hoo~!"
A~nd the long haired fairy lunges for Maria's lips again. "Mmgh- mmm, mnn~...!" Maria tosses and turns her head, wincing an eye shut as the fairy aggressively tries to work into her mouth- "Mghk- nn…"
Clonk! Hanger to the back of the hea~d, yeah!
The fairy is dislodged from the mage's face, teeth clamped down and tongue… out.
...Letting go and stumbling to the side, the fairy holds open her mouth. "I- I… I- ih- i- onh…" Wow.
Dejected, she limps off, holding her mouth. "Nnh- ahanh…" Aww... she started to cry, too. Freakin'... s'a lose-lose situation.
...Blushing, Maria wipes her lips. "She-... aah…"
I turn to her. "Stole yer first kiss?"
"...No, actually." Maria shakes her head. "Still… she- she tasted like milk."
Al~rightie then!
...Looking back at the hyper fairy horde, I start to step back…! "Let's, uh, get outta here before those fairies get the bright idea to gang up on us…!"
"Oh- yeah, yeah!" Maria just realized that could happen, too! "Run!" S'not that urgent though, I don't think…!
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
END OF CHAPTER 72
PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Fairy Slayer, Accidental Human Slayer, Robot Demolisher, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Village Liberator, Eientei Crucible, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Factory Disassembler, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine, Sky Climber, Amateur Espionage Practitioner, Illegal Fairy Harborer, Conscientious Party Member, Winter Warrior, Has Forgotten What Half of These Titles Stood For, Holder of Too Many Titles.
PRIMARY WEAPON: Hard Winter - A earth/ice-elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock; has a flower curved around the hilt. Able to be used as a jack hammer for demolition purposes. Strikes can be empowered with magical energy. With the addition of an enchanted shaft, it is able to be used as a warhammer and grant the ability to self-cast attack buffs to the wielder. Allows casting of Gaia Seed. Casts Tundra, a weak spike of ice! Allows the user to cast Ice Shard. Extends combo length by one artificially. Allows the user to jump out out of combos smoothly, and leave frost in their trail.
INVENTORY:
[Bag of Holding] - A small bag that always seems to be conveniently unaffected by whatever weird crap happens to me. Never enlarges, almost always gives me what I need if I remember it's there. Infinite inventory space. I would like to know where it actually puts all my stuff though…
==o==
WEAPONS:
Swordbreaker - Dark elemental plant hanger. Boosts the power of dark skills. Has a curvy, fancy design that lets it easily counter swords! It better, with a name like 'Swordbreaker'. Provides a weak but passive boost to defense, magical defense, and evade. Lowers the attack of foes as its on-impact effect.
Youkai Inconveniencer - A holy plant hanger, which works as a flail 'cause of the cross necklaces attached to it! May cast Flash, an attack that blinds; works best on darkness elementals and youkai. Acts as a flashlight via candles. Converted to a flail with cross necklaces! Can cast Shine.
Fairy Harp - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. With the addition of a wind-grate, it can cast Gust. By the addition of a steel block, its attack and magic attack increased slightly. Sparkles in the light due to fairy dust, able to reduce the accuracy of weak, biological enemies by irritating their senses with the dust. Can play beautiful, flat-tone musi~c!
Flame Salvo - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious gems and metals. Boosts the power of fire skills. Ignites stuff on impact. Never again do I need a lighter or the ability to somehow rub two sticks together really hard to make a campfire! Has a flamethrower nozzle, allowing the user to cast Flamethrower Plus! Allows the user to cast Fume.
Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Granted a limited hover per swing when wielded, but that ability is what allows the flail-o-copter to fly now.
Deep Blue - A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Can produce limitless fresh water. Boosts the power of water skills. Allows wielder to cast Geyser. The addition of a valve served to allow control of its water flow. I wonder if you could use this in place of a sink...
Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Minor affinities from the base orb transfer over, though! Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.
Sharper Than Darkness - A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from the shards of a dead man's sword. Dark effects promote a glass-cannon style; physical attack increased, physical defense lowered. User bleeds out faster. Can cast Revenge, an attack that increases in power the lower the user's health is. A scythe edge from a mysterious ghoul was added to let it cut!
Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Explosions are mostly knockback based, but I think it could gib particularly weak-willed people… magic is weird. With the addition of a barrel, it can shoot singular, yellow danmaku bullets.
Million Bucks - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger, from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion. It's a gift from Flandre Scarlet! Has an obsolete map of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself. Shoddily enchanted to give a speed boost when the wielder is lower on health. Lowers defense slightly. With added electric and holy charms, the hanger is slightly electric and holy elemental. Is able to fluidly chain attacks for stringing together longer aerial and ground combos. Allows the user to fluidly transition from combo to jumping. Allows forced aerial combo support. Grants the user the ability to air slide. Increased jump height when running. Gives motion sickness with avid use!
Market Gardener - Critical hits during blast jumps! Otherwise, it's just a normal, old plant hanger. Named after a very similar shovel…!
NERF dart blaster - Nerf guns are cool and all, but don't try defending yourself with one. Please. Unless you're surrounded by fairies who don't know the difference- but y'know- that opportunity's a freakin' million to one.
NERF longsword - 'CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals'… you know what that means! Maybe one day this will actually come in handy…
==o==
ARMOR:
Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! Seventy-five percent time resistance on equip. Voice, face, and height specifications not included!
Monk Robes - Wear to become a Buddhist! Actually pretty comfy…!
Remilia Scarlet's Mob Cap - Twenty five percent dark resistance. Lets me be a Touhou, too!
Camouflage Kimono - This kimono means business, son. One hundred percent ice resistance, and as such renders me immune to all magical ice damage. Dunno 'bout icicles and stuff, though. Fifty percent freeze resistance… not that freezing will hurt me with this thing on. Fifty percent dark resistance. Negative fifty percent fire and burning resistance. Hopefully hides me a bit when navigating in the freakin' brush...
Yellow Racecar Helmet - It's like a really knockoff space marine helmet! Fifty percent sun resistance, one hundred percent freezing and blinding resistance. Also gives immunity to electrical stunning. It feels like it's got good physical defense, too… at least for my head.
Lunarian Prototype Space Suit - A suit meant for combat in deep space. So far, it's only got the whole 'exist in deep space' part down…! One hundred percent electric resistant. One hundred percent freezing resistant. Has an oxygen tank, but that's only useful if you wear the helmet to go along with it. Randomly casts Zero Gravity when it feels like it.
Lunarian Prototype Deep Space Helmet - It's a freakin' helmet. Fifty percent blinding resistant! When worn with the Lunarian Prototype Space Suit, it also confers immunity to burning and poison, along with another one hundred percent electricity resistance. Yo…!
Testing Oxygen Tank - The oxygen tank used by the Lunarian Prototype Space Suit. Lasts for two and a half minutes! Not meant to actually be used outside of testing, but it's possible. Refills automatically in breathable air.
MP Prize Pin - A badge that allows the user to drain some of the enemy's mana, forcing it to become mana prizes on the field. For awhile only the user(s) of this badge may pick them up, but after a grace period anyone can. Extends prize grabbing range!
Sun Badge - Fifteen percent sun resistance when equipped. Fifty percent resistance to blinding and electrical stunning. Replaces the on-impact effect of all weapons with Sunfire Flare when worn.
==o==
CONSUMABLES/OTHER:
Forty-one thousand, two hundred Yen - ...Yeah, just in a bag. It's about time I documented how much freakin' money I have!
Five Health Potions - They give you youkai-like regen for like, thirty seconds! No chuggin' these babies to indefinitely survive the cold reaches of outer space. Unless the regen outdoes the asphyxiation, but I think I'd rather die by that point…
Mega Potion - Youkai-like regen for thirty seconds… except for the whole family! Applies to entire party. Good for when we all suck at life!
Four Mana Potions - Restores an average amount of mana, I think. More than enough for someone like me!
Three Panaceas - Cures all status effects. I dunno if it works on debuffs, though...
Akihito's Broadsword - Too big for me to use as a weapon. I wonder if I could use it as like, a tent stake or something.
Butterfly Dream Pills - Makes you dream of being a beautiful butterfly!... now, if only there was a pill for lucid or wet dreams, and then I'd consider Yagokoro the doctor to end all doctors!
Rope of Red Bikinis - Wahaha! Gonna getcha, son!
Sacred Eagle Feather - A gift from a rambler. It's… sentimental, I think? Help.
Some Fancy Key - A key lent to me by Brittany. Wha- why. What's it for…!?
PARTY:
London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks, both the magical and physical variety. Has lance, can shoot danmaku. Variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly. I really have to remember to use her, at some point!
PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. London shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.
==o==
Hana, the Electric Fairy Maid - A cuddleable fairy who's stalked me for awhile. She's lovable, dude. Healed by electrical damage! Casts tiny bolts of electricity as her attack these days…
PRIMARY WEAPON: Zap!
INVENTORY:
Probably rocks - Yeah.
Winter Mittens - Aww. Keeps hands from freezing.
Winter Coat - Where does she store this when it's not on…?
[unknown space remaining]
==o==
Maria, the Actually Ordinary Magician - A villager from the human village. Used to run the most impoverished bar ever, but that fell under or something. Really low self-esteem! No known resistances or weaknesses. Can cast basic elemental spells!
INVENTORY:
Wood Staff - Good for bonking things!
Raggedy Clothing - Low quality, old clothes from the village. Keeps her covered.
[Travel Bag] - Inventory that exists! Does not take up inventory because it is inventory. Eight slots.
Two Mana Potions - Guess wha~t? It heals, except mana!
[six spaces remaining]
==o==
ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:
wahaha
dragging maria around after i made her homeless - w - technically, anyway; marcus'd probably house her
and things are building up for the next incident…! if you could tell who that god was, you know what's coming up, too!
exploration and things - w -
oh yeah mario was in this chapter; we'll see a LITTLE MORE OF HIM LATER but don't expect me to make a mainstay of the dude or anything - w -
i didn't really know how to approach writing him so i just winged it!
sakuya's going to have a fun time when she gets back
also brittany just gave me the keys to CANDIED ISLAND- i dunno where but somewhere fun yo (or unfun depending on brittany's definition of fun)
not entirely a memorable chapter but it was fun - w -
okay after some inspection maybe it is memorable . w '
actually after reproofing it it IS pretty fun o w o
as always, see you all next time!
