Welcome to this short story, this was another of those that wouldn't leave my brain and had to come out.
WARNING: This story starts intense and contains possible trigger warnings throughout the story. This is your only warning so if you think it may upset you please do not read.
Legal: I own nothing but the idea.
Important things to know:
*We start in Clare's grade nine year.
*I have changed a lot but it's all in the story.
*To keep this as a short story I make a few large jumps in time.
Okay, that's it, hope you enjoy this story.
Ch. 1 A Virtue-Less Man In The Midnight Hour
(CLARE)
The slow creak of my bedroom door opening after midnight steals the breath from my lungs.
I used to be a deep sleeper, that stopped after Darcy was raped. I'd lie awake because she was awake, I'd hear Mom and Dad arguing, find Darcy crying. Then Darcy tried to kill herself and it got worse. Even though she was in counseling and doing better, when she returned from the hospital I would wake every time she shifted or got up. Darcy, with the aid of sleep medications slept quite well, I couldn't seem to settle, always worried about Darcy, and our parents. They either seemed to be fighting or Dad would be gone, he was staying out of the house more and more.
Then, last summer, Darcy went to Africa to make amends for her behavior. At least, that's what she said it was. I think she was as much running from our parents and everything here than she was making amends. Darcy's departure made things worse at home in a lot of ways, my dad was staying out of the house more and more, he said it was for work.
At some point my parents decided another child was the answer to their problems, only not the way you're thinking. I came home one day and they told me we were taking in a foster kid, he was seventeen (almost eighteen) so not really a kid. They told me he went to DeGrassi, had some legal troubles and needed a strong steady home, people that cared about him, and the church to turn his life around. I knew they were trying to make up for mistakes with Darcy. I didn't really have a choice or say in the matter so I told myself it was the right thing. When I found out my new foster brother was none other than Bruce the Moose I was slightly horrified. I never did ask what the legal troubles he had were, I was sure I didn't want to know.
Dad converted his office into a bedroom and Bruce moved in a week before Halloween. Dad remained out of the house, busy with work he always said. I had already thrown myself into school and my studies when I began attending DeGrassi. Meanwhile Mom made saving Bruce her new project.
For four months Bruce virtually ignored me, he was polite enough at home, he never picked on me or anything, at home or at school. Johnny DiMarco would pick Bruce up for school and began driving me as well. Alli became obsessed with him and made it her mission to get Johnny's attention. She begged me to introduce her, but as soon as we were at school I was invisible to Bruce and Johnny's entire gang. Bruce turned eighteen in December, Mom forced him to have a birthday dinner at home with us. He had some wild party at the ravine with his friends that weekend. I heard about it after the fact when Johnny drove us to school Monday.
I turned fifteen just before Valentines Day I had a small party at Alli's house. Two nights later was the Valentine's dance and K.C. asked me to the dance. I knew he would since we'd been dating for two weeks. Still the dance was amazing, I had a great night, K.C. kissed me, my first kiss! I felt like a princess the entire time, until later that night. By midnight my parents were asleep, Bruce was in his room and I was smiling thinking of my night with K.C. dancing with him, kissing him. I was nearly asleep when my door opened and Bruce came in. Before I could react to what was happening his hand clamped over my mouth and his other pulled my pajama top up.
That's the night it started and my fragile world crumbled even farther. When he was done Bruce told me if I told anyone he'd kill both my parents. It wasn't an idle threat, it was a real threat, and I believed that he would kill them. He described for me in detail how he would do it.
I was too ashamed to tell anyone what had happened anyway. I started pulling away from K.C. and my other friends because of it. K.C. and I lasted three weeks and he started getting closer to Jenna as soon as I started pulling away. That was fine with Bruce, he said I belonged to him anyway, and no other boy should be around me. Bruce got Johnny and the rest of his gang to keep boys away from me, they thought Bruce had turned into a protective brother. They had no idea, no one did, no one does.
"Hands," Bruce says in a husky whisper as I hear the whooshing sound of his belt coming off his jeans.
My heart begins pounding, my stomach ties in knots, tears begin crawling down my cheeks. Bruce closes the door, his heavy footsteps come slowly to the bed and I put my hands above my head. This started a couple nights after he first began, he uses his belt to tie my hands to the bed. Then he lifts my pajama top, pulls down my pajama pants and does whatever he wants.
"I love the way you look in that old school uniform you still wear every day Clare. So innocent and pure in those knee high white socks and plaid skirt. The white blouse I want to rip off of you, you should wear it one of these nights," Bruce's voice is two octaves deeper as it whispers in my ear. My stomach churns, the bile rises to my throat and I have to swallow it back. I have the sudden urge to burn that school uniform.
Bruce does what he wants to my body while I try desperately to let my mind take me away. It works for a moment or two, but then Bruce will do something painful and I'm pulled back to reality. He stays in my room for what feels like hours, in reality it was about twenty minutes. He hasn't raped me yet, but I know it's coming, every night he does a little more. When he leaves I cry myself to sleep as I have every night for the last two months.
"Clare, you aren't wearing your uniform," Mom exclaims when I come down to breakfast the next morning.
"Felt like a change," I shrug sitting down to eat.
"Well, you look very nice," she says kissing the top of my head. "I have to run, long day, and your father is working late again," Mom says as Bruce comes down the stairs.
"I have Bright Sparks, chess club and tutoring," I remind Mom. I began throwing myself into school activities and academics after Darcy left. After things began with Bruce I was finding any excuse to be out of my house and away from Bruce. He hated school and was only there when he had to be, often he wasn't even there when he had to be. I'm not actually tutoring it's an excuse, I'm in the library at The Dot or Alli's doing homework or writing.
"That sounds like a lot Clare, how are you getting home?"
"Don't worry Mrs. Edwards I'll make sure she gets home safe," Bruce says and Mom smiles.
"Thank you Bruce," Mom says stroking his face lovingly. The sight makes me sick, and a vision of last night comes to my mind, suddenly I have no appetite.
Mom leaves and I dump the rest of my cereal in the sink. Bruce sits down to eat, and I grab my backpack leaving the house. I start walking to school, doing my best to put as much distance between me and Bruce as I can. As I walk thoughts of running, leaving school, home, everything, go through my head. I understand why Darcy ran now, I close my eyes and wish I could teleport myself to Africa.
(ALLI)
"Hey that's Clare, pull over," I command my brother.
"Are you sure that's Clare? She's not wearing her uniform," Sav remarks.
"Yes doofus she's wearing her favorite shirt, you've seen her wear it at our house," I reply but Sav is already pulling over.
"I really don't pay that much attention to what either of you wear," Sav mumbles as I hop out of the car.
"Clare, what are you doing?" I question going up to her. She's just standing on the sidewalk with her eyes closed. "Clare?" I ask touching her arm. She gasps and opens her eyes. "Are you okay? What are you doing out here?"
"Fine, I was just walking to school," she replies.
"That's a bit hard to do with your eyes closed silly," I comment taking her hand and pulling her to the car. "Come on, you can ride with us," I insist pushing her into the car so she has no choice.
"Hey Clare," Sav nods to her as he begins driving again, "don't you usually ride to school with Bruce and Johnny?"
"I wasn't hungry, I left while Bruce was eating," Clare says dryly and stares out the window at nothing.
"I would never pass up an opportunity to ride in Johnny's car," I grin. Sav kind of groans and shakes his head.
"So, how come you aren't wearing your uniform today?" Sav asks Clare.
"I don't like it anymore," she replies still looking out the window.
"Well, you look really nice today," Sav tells her but Clare doesn't respond.
"Are you sure you're okay Clare?" I inquire.
Now she turns to me and smiles, "Fine Alli, just thinking."
I'm not entirely convinced I believe her, but Sav is parking at the school. We all get out of the car and grab our backpacks, my brother using his long legs to stride away from us as soon as we're out of the car.
"I'm going to get some juice from the caf," Clare says when we get inside.
"Okay, see you in class," I reply. I go to my locker, get out my books, and then the washroom to change into my school clothes and check myself in the mirror. I come out of the washroom stuffing my boring clothes into my backpack and my arm is yanked pulling me into an empty classroom. I'm pushed against the door as Johnny crushes his lips to mine.
I drop my backpack and grab his shirt, my other hand combs into his long blonde hair, my lips parting for him. His tongue dives into my mouth, exploring it, sending electricity to my toes. He and I have been…well dating isn't right as we don't ever go out. In fact, he won't even really acknowledge me publicly. We sneak away for moments, moments like this one. They aren't all like this one, he's snuck over to my house with my parents out to do homework. As much as I enjoy every stolen moment with Johnny, that's all they are, stolen moments. I want to be with him, really be with him, to show him off and have his arm around me in the halls, but when we started this he said this was all there would be. If I want Johnny, this is how I can have him.
"Classes start soon," Johnny says pulling away from me.
"I know," I nod breathlessly licking my swollen lips.
"Bruce said Clare left early, I doubt she'd ditch, actually I think she'd live at school if she could," Johnny muses.
"Yeah, she would," I laugh.
"Anyway, you seen her? Bruce seemed a little worried that she'd snuck away to meet a boy."
"Clare?!" I laugh so hard I snort which makes Johnny smile. "Clare, does not do this, she would never sneak away to meet a boy. All she cares about is school, especially after K.C. broke her heart to date Jenna. She rode to school with us, said she left early because she wasn't hungry. I think it's sweet that Bruce has become such a big brother though, all worried about Clare. Convincing the rest of you to be protective of her."
"He just doesn't like guys around her after what K.C. did," Johnny replies.
"And, I think it's sweet, of course if Sav tried to keep boys away from me I'd never speak to him again."
"I don't think any force could keep boys away from you," Johnny grins brushing a strand of hair behind my ear and kissing my nose. "Now get to class," Johnny says turning me around and gently shoving me out of the room.
I bite my lip, walking with a grin on my lips all the way to class. I smile all the way to lunch, walking out of science with Clare. We start walking to the caf when I see Johnny at his locker and a girl draped on him. She leans against him, trailing a finger on his arm, and he smiles at her. I feel my stomach sink and my gut wrench, tears at the corners of my eyes, a lump in my throat I can't swallow.
"Forget him Alli, you can do so much better," Clare says to me.
"There is no one better, not for me," I pout.
"Now you know that's true," Clare remarks pulling my arm, "let's go eat."
She drags me to the caf and through the lunch line. We sit at the far side of the table with Wes and Connor. Jenna, K.C. and Dave eat with the basketball players and the cheerleaders. I look at my food, poke it with my fork and think about Johnny in the hall with that girl. Clare doesn't seem to be paying attention, she's eating her food absentmindedly. With neither of us talking and so much time to think I come to a decision.
"I'm going to have sex with Johnny," I declare to my best friend in a soft voice and Clare stares at me.
"Alli, no," Clare gasps, "you should wait until you're married? Or at least until you fall in love? This has to do with that girl in the hall with Johnny doesn't it?"
"I won't lose him Clare, no matter what it takes," I reply in a determined voice.
"Alli y…" Clare begins to argue but I cut her off.
"Whatever it takes."
(CLARE)
"No uniform again huh?" Johnny asks as we get into his car Thursday morning.
"I decided I should stop wearing it," I reply.
"Well you look really nice, those clothes suit you," Johnny grins at me in the rearview mirror and I smile. Bruce smacks his arm for the comment. "What Dude? I'm stating a fact not hitting on her," Johnny says as he starts driving.
As soon as Johnny parks at school I leave the car and walk as quickly as I can to my locker. I open it and start getting my books when K.C. comes over, he hasn't talked to me since he left me for Jenna.
"I like the new look," K.C. grins as I close my locker.
"Uhmm, thanks."
"So, why the new look?" K.C. asks.
"Just thought it was time for a change," I shrug.
"Well yo…"
"HEY!" Bruce yells suddenly and storms over hitting the locker in front of K.C. "I told you not to talk to her again Guthrie," Bruce growls. Fitz is with him and he moves me behind him, I realize Owen is here too, standing close with his arms crossed.
"Bruce stop," I plead.
"Take her to class," Bruce says.
"Come on Clare," Owen says taking my arm and pulling me away.
Owen walks me all the way to class and stands at the door until I'm at my desk. I feel sick and put my head down on the desk. I might find their overprotectiveness slightly endearing, if it was really protective instinct and not Bruce being possessive and not wanting any other boy to so much as look at me.
"You okay Clare?" Dave asks coming into class.
"Just tired," I mumble sitting up now that other kids are entering the room. As always I throw myself into school and studies. If my mind is focused on class and learning then I'm not thinking of Bruce or worried about what he might do to me tonight. I'm great in class, when it's lunch though my mind will wander and it usually wanders to dark places these days.
"Johnny would hardly look at me this morning," Alli mopes as we eat. Actually, neither of us are eating much, my mind was on Bruce, and hers was clearly on Johnny.
"Alli, you're not still thinking of losing your virginity to Johnny are you?"
"I've thought of nothing but since yesterday. He'll be at the ravine tomorrow night during the game, I heard him telling Fitz earlier. We can go to the ravine and I can get him away, somewhere private," Alli grins.
"Alli I don't want to go to the ravine." I really don't want to go to the ravine, but it's also bound to lead back to Bruce. Even if he doesn't tell my parents he won't like that I was there. I know Bruce won't be there though, he'll be helping my mom with a company event. He's getting paid for it, she invited me, but knowing Bruce would be there I told her I already had plans with Alli.
"Come on Clare, no one will do anything, they know Bruce is living with you and is super protective," Alli remarks.
"Yeah, protective," I mutter while my head says, "possessive bastard."
"Look, you tell your mom you're sleeping at my place, I'll tell mine I'm sleeping at yours. Come on Clare I need the support of my best friend in this," Alli pleads.
"Fine," I give in solemnly. I still don't want to go and I think this is a truly terrible idea, I know something is bound to go terribly wrong. I won't abandon my friend though, I can't let her go alone.
Alli smiles and squeals a little with delight, I have no idea why she's so excited about this. The only bright spot I see in this awful idea of hers is that it will keep me completely away from Bruce for a night.
Alli's smiling the rest of the day, I see the thoughts in her mind of what she plans to do. After school I have Bright Sparks, I'm the youngest on the team and only an alternate, but it's something to do after school. Then there's chess club, homework at The Dot where I plan to stay as long as I can. It's not as long as I'd like it to be when Johnny and his whole gang comes in, Owen isn't with them but Lucas is. They all order drinks to go and come over to my table.
"Time to go Clare," Bruce says.
I pack my backpack and follow them out to their cars, two cars, one is Johnny's and the other Lucas'. Fitz gets into Lucas' car and they drive off, I get in the back of Johnny's car and he drops Bruce and I at home. We eat dinner with Mom since Dad is gone again, then I help Mom clean up while Bruce goes to his room. I get ready for bed and then lock myself in my room, not that it does any good, Bruce can pick the lock.
I hear my father get home, my parents go to their room by ten and just after midnight my door opens. Bruce closes my door, locking it again, and comes to my bed ordering my hands above my head. I do as commanded and he ties them to the bed with his belt as always. I close my eyes, steadying my breath focusing on where to escape to in my head tonight. When Bruce slips something under my neck my eyes shoot open again, at first I think he might strangle me. The cloth comes around my face and ties at my mouth gagging me instead.
"Your virginity is mine tonight Clare," Bruce says in lust filled voice next to my ear. I scream against the gag and pull hard on the belt restraining my wrists, kicking my legs like crazy.
"Stop kicking or I'll tie your legs to the bed as well," Bruce growls grabbing my legs and yanking on them hard. Then he grabs hold of my pajama bottoms and underwear and tears them off my legs, dropping them to the floor. "I know you're on birth control, but I'll use a condom anyway," he says and I hear it coming out of his pocket.
Spinner took me to the clinic for birth control after Darcy's rape, he said it was one small precaution I could take. I've never told Bruce that though, even my parents don't know about it, so he would have had to go through my purse to find it.
When the foil on the condom tears I freeze, fracture and fall into the pit that's opened in my stomach. I'm already tied to the bed and gagged, what can I do? He takes down his pants and forces my legs open as he starts getting the condom on. Then there's nothing but pain, searing, stabbing, burning pain. Bruce makes some noises, but all I feel is pain. I sob, pull hard on the belt around my wrists, choke on the gag. It feels like an eternity of torment but it finally stops. He takes off the condom, rolling it in tissues and dumping it in my trash.
"If you tell anyone anything I will kill your parents. Smother your mom in her sleep, shoot your dad in the head, make it look like suicide and you'll be all alone with me to look after you. No one will ever touch you Clare, no one but me. Who will want you now? Ugly and geeky no one even looks at you next to Alli, and if they do glance your way, I'll make sure they can't stand to look at you ever again," Bruce says as he fixes himself and releases me.
I curl onto my side but I can't even cry. The worst part is I knew this was coming some day, the way he was escalating things more and more every night. After some time I get up and pull on my robe going into the washroom. I lock the door (but of course Bruce can pick the lock if he wants to come in) and immediately vomit into the toilet. I don't even turn on the light, I don't want to look at myself in the mirror right now. Once my stomach is empty I turn on the shower, taking off my robe and pajama top. I crawl into the shower and sit on the floor letting the water deluge over me at the hottest temperature I can stand. I hope it burns away his touch, washes away how dirty I feel, but of course it can't do that, it's only water.
When the shower turns cold I clamber out. Find my robe in the dark and go back to my room. I hear Bruce snoring in his room, somehow the fact that he can sleep so soundly after what he did to me makes me feel worse.
I turn on my bedside light, get dressed in a loose fitting comfortable dress with long sleeves, because I don't even want clothes next to my skin. I don't even wear a bra, my breasts aren't big enough for it to matter yet anyway. I do wear underwear though, I hate the way it feels against me right now, but I can't go without underwear in a dress. I go downstairs and turn on the TV, I'm awake when my parents get up as I can't sleep the rest of the night.
"You're up early Honey," Mom remarks.
"I woke up early, couldn't get back to sleep, so I figured I'd just get up. Could one of you take me to The Dot on your way to work please?"
"I'm about to leave if you want to go now," Dad offers.
"Yes please," I nod.
"Mom, don't forget I'm at Alli's tonight, Sav or her parents will bring me back Saturday afternoon."
"I remember Dear," Mom says kissing my forehead as I leave with Dad.
Even the contact of Mom's lips on my skin makes it crawl. It's all I can do not to think about last night and vomit again. Dad takes me to The Dot and buys us both breakfast before he leaves. I stay for a couple of hours, sipping at two hot chocolates and picking at the muffin Dad bought for me. When the school is open I walk over, visiting my locker and hiding in the one place Bruce can't find me, the girl's washroom.
Alli finds me there and drags me to her locker, at least we go straight to class after. She sits on my desk and tells me her plan for tonight. I'm not even listening, I'm just trying to not think of Bruce, of last night, what he did, what he stole from me. Doing everything I can not to think of the pain, how my body feels now, how I feel now.
I manage to make it through the day, holding on by a very thin thread of sanity. We stay at school, other people are here, there's a basketball game tonight. Alli goes to the girl's washroom farthest away from everyone and gets tiny black shorts and what might as well be a bikini top out of her backpack then she changes. I want to call her crazy for wearing that but she won't listen. I want to tell her how much she'll regret tonight if she goes through with it, but she won't listen. I want to scream at her how I feel after last night, but the thought of it makes my throat get tight and burn with the bile rising in it. I just stand there lifeless watching my best friend do something I know she'll regret.
"Are you sure about this Alli? I don't think we should be here," I remark as we approach the ravine.
"I'm doing this, look there's Johnny," Alli grins.
Johnny sees us and starts walking over, Alli starts walking toward him. I consider turning around and running, but I can't leave Alli.
"The hell are you doing here? Bruce know you're here?" Lucas asks from behind me.
"No, and don't tell him," I reply still looking at Alli. Johnny puts his arm around her and they walk off into the trees. "Promised Alli I'd come with her."
"Yeah, well it looks like Alli is busy now, come on I'll take you home. You don't belong here," Lucas says putting a hand on my arm. I know it's not Bruce, but when his skin touches mine I jump back like he zapped me with electricity. "Let's go Edwards you shouldn't be here, Johnny will take care of Alli," Lucas says in a commanding tone.
I don't want to sit here while Alli is with Johnny, so I follow Lucas to his car. I get in and he starts driving, as we approach my house I feel sick. Even though I'm sure no one is home my heart begins pounding.
"Please," I say quietly with a pleading whimper in my voice, "I don't want to go home. My Mom thinks I'm at Alli's tonight anyway."
"Okay, but Alli's with Johnny, you got any other friends you can stay the night with?"
"Not really," I admit near tears at the thought of going home.
"You can stay at our house if you want? My mom's working and Jane's out, but you can sleep in my room, I'll sleep on the sofa."
"Really?"
"Yeah, why not, I'll take you home tomorrow, your mom already thinks you're at Alli's right? I'll text Johnny and tell him I took you home, so Alli doesn't worry."
"Thanks Lucas."
"No sweat, I was bored tonight anyway," he shrugs. We drive to his house in silence, it's pretty similar to mine only a little more run down. Lucas parks in the driveway and I follow him inside. "Let's watch a movie, find something and I'll make some popcorn," Lucas says after locking the door.
I nod and follow him to the sofa, he hands me the remote and goes into the kitchen. I turn on the TV, find their streaming service and begin flipping through the movie selection. Normally I would pick a musical, a comedy, a kids movie, but I don't feel like any of those right now. I feel terrible and I don't want anything happy, uplifting or heartwarming. I'm suffering inside, and I want to see other people suffering. I pick a horror movie, I usually hate scary movies, right now feeling scared would be an improvement.
"That's the last thing I thought you'd pick," Lucas comments when he comes in with a bowl of popcorn.
"Everyone likes a good scare," I shrug.
Lucas doesn't say anything else, just sets the bowl between us on the sofa and sits down. I'm extremely relieved to have the space of the bowl between us. Though, I'm sure that Lucas wouldn't do anything with me. Even if he wasn't protective over me because of Bruce's possessiveness a boy like Lucas would never give me a second glance. As Bruce said, I'm ugly, nerdy and after what he did no one would want to touch me. At this point I'm pretty sure that I never want anyone to touch me again, especially Bruce.
After the first movie ends Lucas orders pizza and I put on a second movie. Another horror movie, but it suits my mood just fine. Lucas pays for the pizza, puts the box between us and grabs a couple of plates and sodas from the kitchen. I manage to eat a couple slices of pizza, I'm not all that hungry, but it's almost instinct to eat, after all Lucas did pay for it.
"I'm tired, you mind if I go to bed?" I question when the second movie ends.
"Yeah of course, come on upstairs, I'll show you around," Lucas says. I follow him up to the washroom and bringing my backpack with me. "You have pajamas?" Lucas asks and I shake my head. I packed my toothbrush and toiletries, but figured I'd be in the ravine all night with no sleep, and if we did go back to Alli's I'd borrow something of hers. "I'll get you something," he says closing the door of the washroom most of the way. I start brushing my teeth and he returns a moment a later with a pair of sweats and a t-shirt. He sets them on the counter, then closes the door as he leaves.
Even though I'm sure he won't come in I lock the door. I finish brushing my teeth and change into the clothes Lucas brought me. When I leave the washroom he's in his room getting sheets on the bed.
"Hey, Jane's clothes are a little big on you but better than mine. I'm just getting clean sheets on the bed," Lucas says.
"Thanks," I nod coming into the room and helping him make the bed.
"If you need anything I'll just be down…what happened to your wrists?" Lucas questions.
"What?" I query. He grabs my hands and looks at my wrists, there's marks from Bruce's belt because I was fighting so hard against my restraints last night. The long sleeves of my dress hid them all day.
"Nothing," I reply yanking my arms back and out of his grip.
"Clare i…" Lucas begins but touches my waist as he's doing it and I instantly shrink back.
"Don't, please," I shriek. When his hand was on my waist all I felt was Bruce.
"Clare what happened?"
"Nothing, just get out and let me sleep," I bark shoving at him. He continues to stare at me, questions racing in his eyes, but I don't want to look at him. I grab the covers, pulling them all the way up and turn my back to Lucas. He finally leaves the room, closing the door and turning off the light as he goes.
I cry myself to sleep praying that Lucas doesn't tell Bruce I was here. That he doesn't tell anyone about the marks on my wrists or how I reacted.
