I know it was an intense first chapter, hang in there it will get better.
Ch. 2 Digging Holes Or Graves
(CLARE)
Having fallen asleep so early I wake early. Lucas' bed is comforting, part of me wishes I could stay here all day. As safe as I may feel I know I'm not, Lucas is friends with Bruce and eventually Bruce will find out and bring me home. He might even think Lucas and I did something last night. I get dressed and leave Jane's clothes on Lucas' bed. I tiptoe down the stairs and open the front door, suddenly Lucas is there demanding to know where I'm going. When I tell him I'm going home he says he'll drive me, I give in and walk to his car. He drives me home but I insist that he drop me a couple houses down. When he parks he tries to ask about the marks on my wrists again, I jump out of the car and thank him for the ride.
"You're home awfully early Clare," Mom says when I come in.
"I wasn't feeling good, I couldn't sleep very well and asked Mr. Bhandari to bring me home," I tell her.
"Are you still feeling unwell Honey? You don't look sick," Mom remarks feeling my forehead.
"It's my stomach, I'm just going to go lie down," I tell her.
Mom nods and I go upstairs, I am tired, but the problem is now I'm back in my bed, where it all happened. Now I really do feel sick, I can still smell Bruce in here, and when I pull back my covers I see blood on my sheets. I implode, crumpling to a ball on the floor, tears pouring from my eyes. I'm shaking and I can't stop, shaking or crying. I have no idea how long I'm like that but I hear my parents arguing downstairs.
I leave my room and go into the washroom and shower again, a very long one. The water pouring over my head drowns out my parents arguing. I still hear when one of them (likely my father) slams the front door as they leave. When the water turns cold I get out, drying off and getting dressed. When I open the door Bruce is there and I feel like vomiting when his eyes rove over me. I hear my mom downstairs so I know he won't do anything with her here. I run past him into my room and call Alli.
"Hi," she says, she sounds kind of sick.
"How was last night?" I question although I really don't want to know.
"Good, I guess, it hurt and I felt kind of gross after. I made Johnny bring me home when we were done. He said Lucas took you home," she comments but sounds more like she doesn't want to talk about losing her virginity to Johnny.
"Yeah, he brought me home. I'm not feeling so great, call you later?"
"Yeah, I'm not feeling so well either, talk to you later Clare."
I want to tell Alli that I'm here if she needs to talk, but I can't even talk about my own demons. It was probably a mistake, but at least she chose to lose her virginity. I set down my phone and rip my sheet off my bed, but I can't bring myself to wash it. I put my blanket over the bed and lie down, and stay that way all day.
I'm starting to hate the weekends, at least during the week I can escape to school. I'd go to Alli's but I can't, not with what she's dealing with, I'd be no help and might just break down. I love Alli, but I wish I had more friends, friends that I'm close to. I have Connor, Wes and Dave, but I'm not close enough to Dave or Wes to just go to their houses and hang out. Connor maybe, but he lives with Mr. Simpson and I don't want him asking why I just showed up. Besides with Connor on the spectrum he wouldn't like me just showing up either, I really need new friends.
At some point I fall asleep and wake to an empty house. My mom texted me to say that Bruce is out with friends, Dad is working and she's meeting Nora for dinner and drinks. I make some food, watch TV and fall asleep on the sofa, Bruce is out all night thank goodness. Two nights in a row without getting touched by him.
Sunday, I tell my mom I'm not feeling well still and skip church. Dad is back, Bruce goes with them, I use the time to eat, shower and finally wash my sheets. I'm back in bed by the time they return from brunch. I stay there all day, emerging only to eat dinner with them. The way my parents can barely look at each other is awkward and I know something is going on.
No respite from Bruce tonight, at nearly exactly midnight he comes in and rapes me again. I don't have it in me to fight, I don't even have it in me to cry, I just lie there and let him do it. Realizing that this fresh hell has become my life, home is not a sanctuary it's an asylum, a torture chamber. I think again about running, just leaving everyone and everything. While Bruce impales me again and again on his prophylactically shielded phallus I envision running in my mind.
First I cut my hair into a bob and get it bleached to a platinum blonde, and get contacts, colored ones to get rid of my blue eyes. I take all the money that's in my college fund and get a plane ticket to B.C. and then maybe a ferry to the states. Maybe a plane to London, I want to be as far away from Bruce as possible. I'll change my name to Mae Harlow like the original blonde bombshells. In this fantasy in my mind changing my look has made me beautiful, along with my exotic new name, and guys do look at me. Not the way Bruce does but the way men do in romance novels, as though I'm the most beautiful thing ever. I fall in love and I'm happy, and become a famous writer. My fantasy shatters when Bruce kisses my neck as he climaxes.
"You're mine Clare, only mine, no one else will ever want an ugly geek like you with no figure," Bruce says as he pulls out.
He plucks a few tissues from the box on my nightstand and wraps the condom in it tossing it my trash. He fixes his clothes and leaves my room. I fix my pajamas, curl to my side and cry myself to sleep. I wake to my alarm, get ready for school but don't eat, I'm not hungry. Bruce eats a lot, I'm surprised my dad hasn't complained about how much it costs to fed him.
"Johnny's here," Bruce says putting his plate in the dishwasher. I grab my backpack and follow Bruce out to Johnny's car.
"Hey," Johnny greets us as we get in, "Clare you see Alli this weekend?"
"No, just talked to her Saturday, she said she wasn't feeling well."
"Oh," Johnny replies.
"Dude you're pathetic," Bruce laughs.
"Shut up or your ass is walking to school," Johnny shoots back.
"You wouldn't make Clare walk to school," Bruce says.
"No, she can stay, I'll still pick her up every morning. One more word about me and Alli and your fat ass is walking from now on," Johnny tells him. I have to admit the thought of Johnny still picking me up for school but making Bruce walk makes me happy.
Bruce grumbles but doesn't say anything else and we ride to school in silence. I'm out of the car as soon as Johnny parks. I hear him make some snide comment about how I love school so much and he doesn't get it. I go in to my locker and grab my backpack, I'm about to walk to class when I see Alli.
"Hey, feeling any better?" I ask her.
"A little, I still feel kind of gross and awkward. I thought having sex was supposed to bring two people together. I didn't feel close to Johnny after, just gross and sore."
I want to tell her that I understand times a million. Even the thought of telling her dries out my throat, and makes me nauseous. Instead of telling her I know how he she feels and more all I'm able to get out of my mouth are three pathetic little words.
"I'm sorry Alli."
"It's my f…"
"Alli," Johnny's voice cuts her off, "we need to talk."
"I don't want to talk right now Johnny," Alli says turning to walk away but Johnny catches her hand. She doesn't yank her hand away though, which means she still finds some comfort in his touch.
"Alli, please, you told me you wanted it, if you weren't ready…"
"I was…or thought I was…" Alli says cutting him off this time.
"Please, let's talk," he begs softly pulling her hand a little.
After his banter with Bruce in the car this morning I'm feeling particular favor for Johnny DiMarco and decide to help him out. Especially since he said he'd still pick me up every morning and make Bruce walk to school.
"He's pleading with you in a public hallway Alli, he must really mean it," I point out.
"Fine," Alli relents but I see the way her hand tightens around Johnny's.
They walk down the hall just enough to duck into an empty classroom. At lunch I find out from Alli that they talked and are going to take things slower. He's still insistent on keeping them a secret though, and she agreed so her parents don't find out. The way they're going the whole school will know before too long.
As always I stay out of my house as long as possible, but eventually I have to go home. Dad isn't home for dinner again, I wish I knew where he went, I wish I could go with him. Dad gets home around nine, he peeks in to say goodnight before going to his room. I hear him arguing with Mom a little before their voices become hushed.
I start watching the clock, watching the minutes tick away like counting down to an execution. That's kind of what it feels like, a death sentence of sorts. I can't sleep, and each minute that ticks by makes my heart pound a bit faster. At 12:03AM Bruce opens my door, I hear his belt coming off already and shut my eyes tight knowing what's about to come. Every time he comes in my room it kills a little piece of me, and I wonder just how much I can take before I'm completely gone?
(LUCAS)
Clare shrinks away from me, curling up and pulling the covers over her head. She's throwing a tantrum the way Izzy would. It's clear that whatever happened I won't get any information from her tonight. I back out of the room turning off the light and closing the door. Grabbing the extra bedding from the closet before I go downstairs and grab a beer from the fridge.
The TV is on, but I'm not watching I'm thinking about the marks on Clare's wrists and her reactions. The marks on her wrists I'm pretty sure were contact burns, like a rug burn only not from a rug. The question is what made them and how did she get them? I know Darcy tried to commit suicide, but would Clare make those marks on herself?
"You're home early," Jane comments when she comes home, it pulls me from my thoughts.
"Yep," I reply taking a swig of my beer.
"Izzy still coming for the weekend?"
"Yeah, I'll pick her up tomorrow when I take Clare home," I reply.
"What?!" Jane gasps, she was about to go upstairs but stops. "Repeat that?"
"Clare Edwards, she's sleeping in my bed, I'll sleep on the sofa," I tell my sister.
"That explains nothing, what's she doing here?"
"She was somewhere she shouldn't be and she didn't want to go home, so I brought her here. Leave it at that okay? Oh, I let her borrow some of your clothes to sleep in."
"Okay, I'm going to shower," Jane says and goes upstairs.
I stay up for a long time thinking about Clare. Mom comes home and kisses my forehead before going up to bed. I pull a blanket over me and fall asleep in the early hours of the morning. I wake after just a few hours when I hear the front door open and see Clare trying to leave. I leap over the sofa and run over to the door.
"Where do you think you're going?"
"Home," she replies blinking at me.
"I'll drive you," I insist grabbing my keys and quickly getting on my shoes. She waits for me, in that she walks very slowly to my car and gets in.
"You'd better drop me a couple houses down," she says when we're getting close to her house.
"Okay," I reply pulling over. "Clare, if someone is a…" I begin but she jumps out my car.
"Thanks for the ride Lucas," she says walking quickly to her house.
I watch until she's inside and drive off, heading for The Dot to get some coffee. I have to pick up Izzy, but not until ten, I was expecting to pick her up after dropping off Clare since I didn't think Clare would be up so early.
"You look like you got less sleep than me," Spinner comments when I come in.
"Yeah, probably, give me a double," I request getting out my wallet. When I hear the door open again I look over and see Johnny come in. "Hey, you have fun with Bhandari last night?"
"You and Alli? Does Sav Know?" Spinner questions setting my coffee down.
"I don't know, probably, who cares?" Johnny shrugs.
"So, you have fun?"
"Yeah," Johnny smiles, "but she wanted to go straight home after."
"Are you really surprised? She was a virgin, Mia was sore for days after and barely wanted to kiss me," I comment.
Johnny hangs at The Dot with me for a while before he heads home. I eat breakfast, staying until it's time to go pick up Izzy. She wants to go to the park first, so I take her to the park and then to lunch before we're back home. I don't have to work tonight and stay with Izzy playing games until it's time for her to get to bed. We don't have enough space for Izzy to have her own room here, at least not until Jane leaves for college. I only have Izzy on the weekends though, so when she's here she sleeps in my bed and I sleep on the sofa. I already have blankets on the sofa from last night and am just about to settle in with a beer when I get a text.
Bruce: Hey old man, you snoozing yet or you want to come to a party?
Lucas: Fuck you. Where's the party?
He sends me the address and I knock on Mom's door to make sure she can watch Izzy for a few hours. She says no problem, I tell her I won't be out too late and leave for the party. Looks like most of the ravine kids are here, I easily find Johnny and the rest of the gang in the living room drinking beers. I grab one from the kitchen and sit down with them.
"Fitz get me something stronger," Johnny requests after a while.
"I look like a fucking cocktail waitress? Get your own damn drink," Fitz shoots back.
"Bring me a fucking drink," Johnny growls. Fitz grumbles but gets up to get him a drink, returning with a red plastic cup for Johnny, and beers for the rest of us.
"Dude, I thought boning that niner chick would have put you in a good mood," Bruce teases.
"Fuck you! You don't know what you're talking about, when was the last time your ugly mug saw pussy?" Johnny shoots back before taking a sip from the cup.
"Man, I got a sweet and tight pussy at my disposal whenever I want it. I been playing with it for months," Bruce responds.
"It's probably one of those male masturbation pussies, or maybe nothing more than a blow up doll," Owen quips.
"Blow up doll I'm guessing, better not let Mrs. Edwards catch you with it, she'd probably take you to church and make you pray for defiling plastic," I laugh.
"It's not a fucking blowup doll, it's a chick and her pussy opens to me whenever I fucking want it to," Bruce says.
"Bullshit, give us a name then," Fitz demands.
"No fucking way, that's my private pussy, I'm not telling you so you all can fuck her too," Bruce says.
"He's talking shit, there's no girl on earth that is going to be at his beck and call. You're such a fucking liar Bruce," I laugh.
"Believe whatever you fucking want, at least I'm getting some almost every night," Bruce shoots back.
None of us think anything more of it, Bruce lies all the time about anything. Owen starts talking about hockey, his championship game is in a couple weeks. I hang at the party until around midnight and drop Bruce at home on my way. Since living with the Edwards he's got a curfew, it's one of the things he's stuck to living with them. Their house has more rules than he's used to but he says he likes it, the Edwards are nice which is a lot better than his home, or jail.
I spend all Sunday with Izzy doing whatever she wants, that we can get to and afford anyway. I take her to dinner at her favorite restaurant before dropping her back to Mia. Then I head home, shower and get ready for work. The whole time I'm at work, whenever it's quiet, I find my mind wandering to Clare. The marks on her wrists, the way she pulled away from me and then completely shut down, it worries me. Someone hurt her, but what I know and have seen of Clare it's not like her to shut down and not fight. Which means whoever hurt her is someone close to her or someone she's deeply afraid of.
I think about it most of the week not every minute, but any time it's quiet, or anytime Bruce or one of the others talks about Clare. It's usually Bruce as he lives with her, but Owen, Fitz and Johnny go to school with her. Plus, Johnny always picks them up for school and Johnny is kind of dating Clare's best friend, so her name does come up fairly often.
Thursday I'm relaxing at home before I have to get to work when Jane comes in. She always has therapy Thursdays, we had a couple family sessions, we have one once a month. It's helping, everyone, but no matter how many times they tell me it's not my fault I'll feel guilty for not protecting my sister.
"How was therapy?"
"Good, it's helping, I repressed it so long I'm still remembering things. The littlest things will bring up memories, I was at the store the other day and passed a man that used the same soap Carlo used to. The soap I would smell every night when he came in, I got flooded by memories and almost broke down right there in the store."
"I'm sorry Janie, I should have known, I should have protected you."
"Lucas, we've been over this, we were kids, and I was hiding it," she says sitting next to me patting my arm.
"I still feel like I should've known, should have seen…something. You and Dad couldn't possibly have hid everything."
"There were signs Lucas, you just didn't realize, and we were kids."
"Signs like what?"
"How I'd flinch away when he stroked my cheek. How I'd scream if you tried to help me with my clothes. You remember that night I came into your room after a nightmare, and you asked me what it was about? I said it was about Dad, you asked me why I had a nightmare about Dad and I broke down, I curled up pulled the covers over my head and cried myself to sleep."
"Yeah, I remember, I couldn't figure out why you were having bad dreams about Dad. Then the next morning Dad found you in my bed and he was really angry. Told you only to come to him after bad dreams, I never could figure that out either, now it makes total sense now," I tell her.
Somewhere in the back of my brain everything I just said is searching, it all feels very familiar. I can't place it, can't wrap around it just yet, but what she said and what I said seems fresh and recent. I shake it off as memories, but it stays there in the back of my mind.
"It's predator behavior, he was grooming me, possessive, it's common. We were kids Lucas, you never could have known, and he's our dad. Even if you'd known you would have been about as helpless as I was. You have work soon, you shouldn't be worrying about this now. I'm going to shower," Jane says patting my arm and kissing my cheek before she gets off the sofa.
Work tonight is very quiet which gives me time to think, I think about everything Jane said today. Everything she's ever said about Dad's abuse, everything I can remember from back then. When my mind has been through all it can remember from that I start thinking about Clare again. With nothing to do but think my shift seems to last forever. I get home tired, hardly able to get ready for bed before I get in. My brain still going over everything I was thinking, everything Jane said, and then as I take off my belt and lie it over my arm everything falls into place.
"Fuck!" I exclaim realizing that the marks on Clare's wrists were likely made by a belt. That her behavior the other night is just like Jane said, someone has been sexually abusing her.
I want to know who and rip them to shreds but I'm beat and it's barely six, Clare is probably still sleeping. I set an alarm for eleven so I can get to DeGrassi just before lunch. With everything on my mind I'm not sure I can sleep, but my body is tired. It's a restless sleep though, plagued by guilt and bad memories. As soon as my alarm goes off I'm up and leave the house as soon as I'm dressed and ready. I sneak into school through the back, I have no idea what class Clare has now, but I know where the freshman lockers are and hang out there. When I see her come down the hallway with Alli I go over and grab her arm surprising them both.
"We need to talk," I command giving her no choice as I pull her down the hall. I pull her into the first empty classroom I find closing the door behind us.
"What are you doing? How'd you even get in here?" She questions.
"I could have walked in the front, Jane still goes here, but I snuck in the back," I reply taking her arms and pulling back her long sleeves. I have to wonder if everyone else has noticed her long sleeves as I'm sure she wears them every day to cover the marks. She has very fresh ones and it looks like one so hard it actually broke the skin. I grit my teeth, I have to simmer the anger in me so I don't yell at her. "These are from a belt aren't they?" I'm really not asking and she doesn't so much answer as turn her head and bite her lip. That's enough of an answer for me. "Who?"
"I can't," she whimpers pulling her arm away and turning for the door. I grab her waist and spin her around leaning her against a desk and caging her between my arms.
"You are not leaving this room until you tell me who's been sexually abusing you, and don't you fucking think of telling me no one," I growl.
She bites her lip again and looks down.
"Is it your dad? Has he b…"
"No, my father has never done anything like that don't be gross," she spits back at me.
"Then who Clare? Who is tying your wrists with his belt? Who's abusing every…" I stop as the rest of the puzzle clicks into place. Pieces I didn't even know were in the puzzle but probably should have been. "Bruce," I say, his name comes from lips in an angry snarl. All his talk about a pussy at his disposal whenever he wanted it. The way he wants all other guys away from Clare, it's not protection it's possession. "How long?" I ask her forcing myself to calm my voice.
"It started the night of the valentine's dance, he comes into my room every night we're both home. It's escalated just about every time," she admits, and her voice cracks with tears and pain. "Last week he raped me for the first time but not the last. He always ties my wrists with his belt, if I kick he ties my ankles. When it started he swore he'd kill my parents if I ever told anyone. Told me how he'd do it, you can't tell anyone Lucas," she pleads.
"Fuck that, Bruce is a fucking dead man!" I rumble and turn around throwing open the door.
"Lucas," Clare yells after me but it's too late I'm already storming for the front door.
"Valieri what are you doing on campus?" Coach Armstrong says as I pass him.
"Fuck off," is my only reply. I'm on a mission and out for blood, Bruce's blood, but anyone else gets in my way they might bleed too. The gang almost always eats in the ravine, that's where I find them, all of them including Owen. "BRUCE," I scream at him and everyone jumps.
"Shit Lucas what's your problem?" Johnny scolds but I ignore him. I go over and grab Bruce by the shirt dragging him away from the fire, back towards the street and bus stop, but stay in the trees.
"Fuck man what is your deal?" Bruce asks as I shove him against a tree.
"Lucas, what the hell?" Johnny questions. I already know the rest of the gang followed me.
"You've been molesting her for two months, raping her for over a week you sick fucking bastard!" Before any of them can say anything I punch Bruce hard and kick him in the gut. "You tied her wrists with your belt and you fucking stole her virginity! I should cut your dick off and feed it to you right now!" I'd be yelling at the top of my lungs but the whole school would know then. I kick Bruce in the ribs when he tries to get up.
"Lucas what the fuck are you talking about, who?" Owen asks.
"Clare," I snarl, "he's been molesting and raping Clare for nearly two months."
"How do you know that?" Fitz inquires.
"When I took her to my house the other night she had marks on her wrists. I didn't know what they were," I tell them as Bruce coughs and gasps for air. "I asked and she curled up and told me to leave. I didn't put it together then, I should have but I'm not that bright. I finally put all the pieces together though and she just told me everything. He told her he'd kill her parents if she told anyone."
"You've been raping Clare?" Johnny exclaims he looks a little green.
"Yeah," Bruce grins spitting out some blood, "I told you I had a pussy that belonged to me. I did that skinny geek a favor. She's mine, no one else would even look at her."
The other three snap at that point, and what he just said just makes me snap more. We start kicking, again and again until he spits out a bunch of blood.
"Enough, as much as he deserves it we don't want to kill him," Johnny commands and we all stop.
"Owen call the cops, and an ambulance I guess, get this piece of shit out of my sight," I remark. Owen gets out his phone, Bruce is unconscious but the three of us stand guard anyway. I'm still tempted to rip off Bruce's dick and let him choke on it.
"How did I not know? I take them to school every morning," Johnny sighs.
"Because she was afraid to talk, he threatened her parents. When he told us all to keep other guys away from her it wasn't because of K.C.'s bullshit. It was Bruce being a possessive prick, not wanting another guy to touch her. He's been abusing her sexually, emotionally, and everyone else has been blind to it," I say as we hear sirens.
Fitz goes out to the bus stop to flag them down, he returns being trailed by EMTs and cops. The EMTs start attending to Bruce and the cops bring the rest of us out to their cars. Most of them have the usual cop stance, we're a bunch of punk kids in trouble. All save one that looks a little concerned over this.
"Hi boys I'm Officer Turner, my son and my niece go to this school. One of you want to tell me what happened to your friend there?"
"He's not our friend, he's a rapist piece of shit," Johnny replies.
"So, you found out he raped someone and beat him up?" Officer Turner questions.
"No, I found out he's been molesting and raping his foster sister for over two months and he's lucky we didn't kill him," I hiss.
"Who's his foster sister?"
"Clare Edwards," Johnny informs him.
Officer Turner was writing in his notebook but he goes still and looks up.
"You know her?" I ask, but it's clear he does.
"She's friends with my son Dave."
"I pieced it together and she confirmed it. Bruce threatened to kill her parents if she talked," I remark just as the EMTs bring Bruce out on a stretcher.
"He won't be doing anything but lying in the hospital for the next couple of days. I'll need full statements from each of you, but most of you need to get back to school. So, full names and phone numbers, if you give me fake ones I'll get them from the school and you won't like that you lied to me," Officer Turner comments handing me his notebook and pen.
I write down my name and number and hand the notebook to Johnny. The ambulance pulls away and Spinner comes out of The Dot.
"Bruce get in a fight or something?" Spinner asks.
"No," I say looking up at him, knowing this will be a punch to the gut for him, "he's been molesting and raping Clare nearly every night for over two months."
"He's been…" Spinner doesn't even finish before he turns green and then red, "I'll kill him."
