(hey guys you know what time it is) (MAJI- matt, it's- it's matt time...)
…
Hmm. Hrm hrm. Morning time? Morning time…
I'd nearly forgotten how quaint a bed is, compared to a futon or hard wood. It's almost a problem, because I'd rather not get out of bed, really.
And I've just realized, something's in the way of my limb movement. I don't usually sleep like that.
More clearly, I focus on the dim morning light from the window. Following it along, I…
Oh, that's what's on me. That's who's on me. Shikome's on me. Shikome's very on me.
Her head lies on my bare upper chest, into my neck almost, with a hand to my right breast. Her kimono is undone, our forms touching, hers weighing down mine. Her hair is down, which is not a sight seen often.
Huh. Well, that's unexp-
When did this happen. How- this is not good. This is not fucking good- get me the fuck out of here!
Snapping into action- and alertness- I aggressively shuffle beneath her to free myself. I can't go left and out of the bed, so- fuck it, let's just move!
Once I'm out from under her- our legs thankfully not entirely intertwined- I barrel roll off the right of the mattress-
Agh- ngh. Fuck. I rolled between the bed and the wall, and now I'm under it- the bed, that is. Also- what the fuck are my clothes…?
I've got my dress shirt on, rolled up awkwardly. My skirt's not there to get caught on anything, and- I'm not wearing panties, either. My bare bottom is currently pressed against the wood walling and floor, and I can feel the panties… around my ankle? What happened…!?
...Why am I in socks!?
I mobilize- fuck, bed undercarriage sucks… I-
Nevermind, it's too low down even for loli-me to fit under it properly.
...I'm stuck. Shikome's not up yet, however…
...My hand slaps out of the trench I've sunken into, and I begin trying to pull myself up. "Hnn~..."
Come the fuck on. "Hnh- enh… Ha- nnh…!"
My limbs, they vaguely ache. What the fuck…!?
"Co- come o~n…" I will push this entire damn mattress off the frame if I have to! "Enh! Enh!"
...What the fuck.
Well, I'm about woken up, now. This is bad.
...I glance down at my bare, pale chest, as best I can while wedged between a mattress and a wall. I'm new to this whole 'being a small loli' business.
Shikome's sleeping peacefully on her side still, even without me. She looks pretty cu- fuck.
...Footsteps. Who in the hell-...
Vanilla walks by plainly.
"He- hey…!" Hushed whisper yelling is the meta-strat for this. "Hey…!"
...Pausing, Vanilla looks over at us, before grinning. "Wh- wha~...?"
...There's something off about that, but I can't put my finger on it. "Help…! Help…!" I slam my arm into the bed gently to emphasize the urgency of this situation.
"How'd you even do that…?" Stepping over, Vanilla takes the moment to just stare at and revel in my helplessness.
"Just- he~lp…!" Do you not see how urgently my arm is gently slamming the mattress. For all you know, I could be getting pinched to death or something. Maybe there was a bed of spikes behind the mattress for no discernable reason.
...Still smiling, Vanilla- she just begins to walk off. "Sorry…" No!
"Stop…!" Come back here.
"I can't." What- are you fucking…
Saying no more, she's already gone, resolute on disobeying me.
...She's going to work unpaid overtime for that. Not that I pay her- much- anyway.
Anyway, this is a cool mattress. Why does it weigh a million fucking pounds. I know it has someone else on it, but you'd think-...
"Ngh!" I am wedged damn good. This was my worst post-awakening idea ever, only to be trumped by perhaps, rolling out of bed into a pit of spikes and instantly dying.
...More footsteps. That sounds like the plywood shuffling downstairs…
"Yeah, boss girl's upstairs." One of the two trap demon people recommends someone up here.
"My appreciations." Oh. Oh.
...Woosh. Aiko leaps into the room from below quite aptly, the first floor's vague plywood ramp tumbling beneath her assertive thrust onto the second floor.
...As she steps forward, she turns her gaze to the left, where our- my mattress is.
Again, I slap the mattress top with my loli arm. "Hey…!"
...Aiko slowly gains one of history's most jaded expressions.
"Help…!" I am super stuck.
...Don't just say nothing. Humor me with some pointless banter, at the very least.
"I pay you…" I remind her. "He- nh, help…"
"...I believe not." Aiko simply folds her arms, her hands stretching out curiously to keep her fingers pointed away from herself.
"...Wh- why." Why must all you people condemn me to this fate. My castle was built upon sand, it seems.
"I've already felt crossing your lover there to be a bad prospect. I don't plan to wake sleeping bears- in this case, literally." She slowly gains the most sinister smirk, which would be far more intimidating were it not about me getting wedged between a mattress and a wall.
...Fuck.
"Nnh…" What. Shikome's stirring.
I stop slapping the mattress like an angry loli. Maybe if I don't move, she won't see me.
...After a quaint moment, she shuffles over towards my side, and stares down at me.
"...Hi." I suppose greetings are in order. "...Help?"
...Almost gingerly, she tilts her head away for a moment, before-
She's shuffling over further. Who knows what will happen, now. I'm praying for 'help me out'.
Thud. Instead, she's decided to flop into the crevice with me, our faces smashing together for a brief moment. Fuck.
Maybe if I- well, I can get my entire arm under the mattress, maybe if I really try-
Nuzzling closer into me with what would normally be defined as a blank expression-
Thunk! She pushes the bed beside with her hip by accident-
Thud. I'm on the floor, on my back proper-
This is exactly what I didn't want fucking happening! Shikome's arms have wrapped around me!
"Let go…" You know, I feel like protesting won't work but damn if I won't half-ass it!
...In response, Shikome boops my nose with hers. Fuck. I'd push, but the chances of that succeeding is a statistical impossibility.
"Aiko…" I call out for the cat. I know she's still there! "Help…!"
"Mrrm." ...That's not a reply.
Shikome doesn't bother to look at her-
One of her arms travels towards my butt. Fuck! Hell no, fuck no, shit-
/ / / / MRRY CRSMS / / / /
…
"Mnn." Shikome lets out a little noise. I think.
…
"Hey…" Vanilla. "Don't we have to, um… get up? And do things?"
…
Pushing up off of me, Shikome sets her eyes on the vampire. Almost clumsily- almost human levels of gingerly- she rotates herself around to hop off the bed; by sitting on her bum and rotating her legs out of the bedding and over everything, and off the mattress side.
Pulses. Lying on my stomach with a cheek against the mattress, I refuse to move. What... is this…
…
"Um…" Vanilla steps closer, and our gazes meet. "...Hi?"
…
/ / / / A FAMILY PICTURE / / / /
...I adjust my tie one more time, sitting on the counter. Once again, I'm on the bar's main floor, if that wasn't obvious.
"We should probably open, soon…!" Vanilla scurries off to change the opened sign to a- I mean, closed sign to a… we don't have an open sign, we just get rid of the closed sign every morning.
I just had an experience. I think I have an excuse to be less together than I probably should be.
...Nearby, Shikome stands on a stool. She shouldn't be down here, but she is. Not like we'll get much business at this time of the day.
"...I didn't come here to dawdle." Aiko's sitting near me, arms on the counter. "If you've calmed down, I would like to get this situation arranged."
You didn't just get raped by a loli as a loli.
...Hmm. Things we need, yes. It's been a day or two since Brad showed up and promptly ran away. While this would normally be entirely negligible in and of itself, Shikome slaughtered Mokou, that immortal fire person. Not sure if I should keep my eyes open.
Aiko waves a hand before my face. "Hello~?"
"I- I didn't necessarily have an opportunity to think before, y'know…" Take my loli discontent.
"Fine, fine." Aiko sees reason in that, apparently. "Don't take too long, now."
...So. Things we need. We've already managed to ascertain a chalkboard, courtesy of Aiko's 'around the village in fifty days' tour.
Cli- click- click. In the background, Rumia scribbles something onto it, with a fully extended arm, because that's how you draw things. I have no idea where Aiko fetched chalk from.
...Second, we have a freezer in the back. Powering for it is something we'll need to work on, but it differentiates inside and outside temperature well enough for adding ice to it to be a thing. As for making ice in this impoverished environment, Aiko just bought us a stack of these weird ice-flavored talismans and told us to combine it with water. Single use, but freezes a bucket of water instantly, so it's just fine, for now.
"Heyo~." The demon trap with long blonde hair- of the two Shinki gave us- came down, stepping down the plywood clumsily. "Hey, slut. What's for breakfast?"
...Oh, she's referring to me. "The usual." ...I don't actually feed people much, here. Shikome and Rumia feed themselves, basically. Vanilla lives off blood, which she can get from a number of places here, since she's not apt to suck anyone's soul out.
I've never seen these two eat anything, though.
She- or he, or whatever, I don't know- gives me a grin. "Oo~h? Who's the next lucky boy, then?"
...I don't see correlation with anything I just said- wait. Does dick act as sustenance for them, then?
It's too early for this shit.
"...We could use a music box." I decide. We need high quality rips in this establishment.
"That's not a boy." Demon trap gives me a vain expression. "That's not even a dude, or food." I wasn't talking to you, you know.
"...I think I know a few places." Aiko considered. "Anything else…?"
We might need carpentry, but I don't think Aiko can just steal housework. Materials, yes; actual constructed homes parts, no.
"...Food meat." I request of Aiko, now that we can actually sustain it. "For feeding people. And, if possible, beer."
...Aiko stood up. "I'll see what I can do. Things have been hell since you had…" She points at Shikome, "grow a tree in that shop. This village hasn't been this alive in some time, I'd say."
"Even more reason for you to do things." If it's alive, no one will notice a few steaks or bottles missing. Probably. Or notice a cat hauling them off.
...After an idle moment, she turns to me. "This change in management is curious."
Is it. "Really?"
"It's almost like nothing's changed. Your ambitions seem almost similar to his." Aiko makes the apt observation.
"Really…" I am awestruck by this epiphany. Who even am I anymore. "...I'm his second daughter twice removed."
"Sure you are." With that, Aiko begins to properly vacate the premises.
…
You know, I feel like abusing my authority today.
/ / / / IT'S A CHICKEN STORY DUDE / / / /
Out on the village streets once again, it would seem. With any luck, I won't run into all the heroines ever and somehow instantly explode from traveling a few steps outside the bar.
The road's less populated than usual. Guards travel in packs, for some reason, rather than just patrol lazily.
I'm sure Shikome can hold the fort, while I'm gone. Vanilla knows how to operate the drinks, and Shikome should keep people from dying or killing each other.
...As I progress onto the main street-
"Fuck o~ff! Hra-"
Wham! "Gugh…"
Thud. Some hooligan collapses onto the street some feet away from me.
...Byakuren sighs, staring down at him, retracting her palm. "That's no good. That's no good at all…"
Why are people just randomly attacking the heroines, anyway. That seems like the worst possible idea.
...To the right of Byakuren, there are two more hooligans. One's tubby, and the other looks scrawny.
"...We- we don't need any of your shit!" The tinier guy holds up a dagger.
The tubbier guy is significantly more composed. "Aw~ c'mon now, Joricho~! Joricho~." He stares down at the guy Byakuren destroyed in one hit. "C'mon, Joricho~, man… don't pussy out."
"Might I ask you…" Byakuren gives them her trademark happy stare of death. "Who exactly is putting you boys up to harass us? Never before has this village directed hostility towards us so… openly. For seemingly no reason, even."
"Like we fuckin' tell you." The tubby guy just nodded at her. "Y'wont kill us. We get paid- deal's a deal, done deal, y'know. I'm done."
He looks over at the scrawnier guy. "Sli' 'er fuckin' throat, Kingo. Hundred thousand yen says she won't kill you, c'mon."
...His breathing quickening, the boy licks his lips, before-
Jolting over towards Byakuren, he readies to flail his knife wildly. "Die!"
...As he nears-
Byakuren grabs his knife with her hand.
Crack! The blade snaps in her grasp, crumbling to pieces.
...Eyes wide, he raises his arms, stepping back-
Pap! In an instant, her palm met his chin, almost to the side of it-
Thud. He was down, sliding onto his rear almost instantly.
...With that, she turned her attention to the fat guy.
"Hahaha~." He smiles lazily. "...Go on, kill 'em."
Maybe I should abuse my authority and save the day as a loli. Actually- if I'm head of finances, who's giving them money to be dumbasses?
...As Byakuren nears him, he holds his arms out. "I ca' take a punch! Kill me!"
She just sighs. Again. "Do you have no dignity, or shame? Why do you do these things?"
"'Cause yer a stupid nun fuck." He begins to saunter towards her. "...Well, if you ain't gonna kill me-"
He lunges to tackle her, arms spread-
WHAM- Cru~nch…! Her fist meets his jaw, landing an uppercut backed by luminescent blue energy bestowed into her arm and fast.
"Nha~...!" The blow sent the man, despite his size, multiple feet into the air.
Just as soon as he hits the apex of his short launch, within the same second Byakuren snaps into the air to continue plowing towards him, both arms violently luminescent-
Her eyes are seemingly actually open, as opposed to when she's practically sleepwalking with her neutral stare.
"Haa~!" The glowing arms whip forward in alternating, rapid succession-
Pap- pap- pap- pap- pap- pap- pap- pap! As the fat man's body only slowly lowers, somehow suspended by the barrage of punches into at first his thighs and then his girth, he kept his arms held out, almost in shock-
Pap! The final blow of the flurry let him land, and finally he clutched his stomach. "Ou~h…!"
...As he stumbled back, Byakuren reeled her arm back one last time-
WHAM! Her glowing blow met his right side-
"Whua~!" The man yelled out as he was thrown away like a ragdoll.
...Thud. He landed across the square, rolling to a stop. "Nh- nhkh…" Ending up on his back, he appeared woozy and uneven.
…
Byakuren exhaled again, before looking around, almost as if to confirm whether or not anyone of note saw her do that. How curiously self-aware of her.
Well, that was entertaining. So that's what Aiko meant.
I start to move again, after observing the spectacle-
Thunk. Why, the square is so quiet right now, I could hear a barrel spontaneously tip over.
...I watch Byakuren approach the tipped over barrel across the way- oh. It seems it's 'bring your fucktoy to work' day, because Byakuren has that boy I sold her out and about, apparently.
"They shouldn't give us anymore trouble." Byakuren beckoned for him to follow. "Still, I don't like this…"
"Lady Hijiri~!"
Before they could leave, Ichirin- I think- bolted down one of the roads. "We found a place! We found a place!"
...Byakuren tilted her head at her. "Ah. What kind of place?"
"The moment we walked in, a bunch of guys with guns shot at us!" Ichirin says this like it's a good thing. "Show 'er, Unzan!"
Suddenly Unzan. Where was he hiding. Maybe he hides in Ichirin's ass.
Cla- cla- clack, clack... He drops a bag of marbles worth of musket rounds down onto the floor, from within himself or something. A lot of people wanted her dead, apparently.
Why do these people have guns. They're probably not the town guard if they're just shooting people randomly with the actual maniac-in-chief dead and gone.
...I would like to know about these guns.
Approaching them, I request information. "I heard something about guns."
...The girls and the boy just look over at me, almost blankly.
Then, Ichirin perks up. "You're so cute!" Okay.
"You don't have to concern yourself." Byakuren smiles down at me. It feels curious interacting with her now. "We're here to help."
"Actually, I do." I reach into my pocket for that card Okita gave me- about him being the financial person, and all that, which has aged terribly.
Here we go. I flash the card at them. "I have a duty to investigate this." ...I'd tell them I'm just the financial officer outright, but I don't think they'd believe me. I need to get business cards.
...At that, Byakuren just began moving. "Let's get moving. You can come with us."
I guess that works. I'm going to defuse it before Byakuren can make everyone's heads explode, though.
"Where're your parents…?" Ichirin tilts her head at me. "Ah! Do you have any…!?"
"No. They all died, in a big explosion." Bad time. "The biggest anyone's ever seen."
...Ichirin wilts. "A- aww~...!"
...Before moving on further, Byakuren pauses, turning to me and flashing me a big smile. "If you ever find yourself in a bad position, come to the temple. We welcome any and all newcomers."
Right. Cool religious undertones to your charity.
/ / / / KABLAM SON / / / /
This house looks unassuming. The door's wide open, though.
Outside it, Ichirin and Byakuren stand, keeping to the side as I requested. Well, there's also kid commissar, but he's just been totally passive.
"Whatever you do, don't walk in!" Ichirin gives me some advice, in relation to the house. "Or they'll kill you and stuff…"
...Yes, I think I've ascertained as much. Walking across the street and looking inside- the door being still open and the walls still full of some holes from what I can only assume was Ichirin's last visit- I saw tables overturned, and some people positioned awkwardly.
...Maybe I'll head in through the back door, then.
So I move past the religious nuts-
"Where're you going…?" Ichirin calls out to me.
"It's dangerous in these alleys." You think I, of all people, don't know this, Byakuren? "I wouldn't recommend you-"
"Hold on. I know what I'm doing." Just be quiet. You people are noisy.
...Around the back of the place-
Two vaguely armored people are standing there, both kind of round, their arms folded. Behind them is a door into the place…
Once I round the corner fully, they sight me. "Ah- hey, you…!" The one nearest me turns to face me. "...Aren't you a little one? Ya know, it's awful dangerous for you to-"
I take out my card again and flash it. "Okita business."
"Okita!?" Upon uttering that name, he flips out, doubling back towards his ally-
"What!? Okita…!? Where?" The other big dude looks around wildly.
"Let me in or else." I assume this'll work. If it doesn't, Byakuren can just fight people.
"Oh- oh, yes, yes…!" Taking initiative, the big guy nearest me leaps out of the way-
"Ough!" -and into his friend, bowling him over-
Thud. He rolled to a stop a foot behind him, ending up on his side. "You- you dumb bastard…!"
"Shut up! It's Okita business- just…!" Turning around, he seems to brace himself for retaliation as his friend slowly gets back up…
Well, that's… huh.
Whatever. Navigating past them, I swing the flimsy wood door open, and proceed inside…
...The place is dim. Tables are arranged in a fortification around the door, and behind every one is at least two men. They've all got flintlocks aimed atop the tables at the door, crouched down to remain behind them.
All of them look rather old, having short, greying beards and economic haircuts, as well as particularly doofy-looking brown hats.
...The guy nearest me is chewing something.
"I still think we oughta… check, 'n' see if we shot 'er." Someone speaks. No one seems to have noticed or cared that I stepped in, so far. "Like- a blood stain. Even a drop."
"No can do." The other guy shakes his head, before-
fwoo. He breathes out a puff of smoke, apparently working on a cigar. They make those, here? "The moment we let up… a bitch'll show and blow the whole thing. That's how it works. We can't let up."
…
Well, I should probably-
"Hey…" One of them speaks, again. "How much you think ribbons sell fer, this season…?"
"Hahaha…" ...That was a very unenthusiastic chuckle. That, or everyone inherently speaks in monotone here, like it's a bad mafia flick.
I hold the Okita card high. "Envoy of Okita. I am here on business."
...Everyone seems to flinch at my sudden presence.
The guy nearest me takes his hands off his gun, rotating to face me. "Okita~? What's he want...? Why'd he send ya?" These men are marginally less shook, but they still reacted, at least.
"...I have been sent with instructions, to confiscate your guns." These guns are all mine now.
There's a symphony of monotone anger throughout the room. "Ah, what the fuck…"
"Are you serious."
"I knew it. Stick played us…"
The guy nearest me jerked his head up. "An' who the hell're you? His daughter?"
"Someone sent to confiscate your guns." I restate. "Time is ticking."
"And what if we don't… comply wit' yer… little demand?" He starts to stand… "What're you gonna do?"
"Send the town guard in." I state.
He cracks his knuckles. "An' how're you gonna send 'em in?"
"...They're outside." I state plainly. "Right now."
...He just looks away. "Damn. Kenshiro, go check if she's-"
"Stop it!" We hear the tubby guys yelling outside, from the back door. "I'm sorry, okay!? It was- look- agh- faahaa~!"
...Sighing, the man turns away from me, and facepalms. "Fuck it. Take them. Tell Okita he's a son of a bitch."
"Motherfucker…"
"Oh, damn. Really..."
"...I'm damn starving, anyway."
Everyone is surprisingly unenthusiastic. Who are these people.
...Hrrm. Muskets aren't too heavy, but I am also tiny. No one seems to care about stopping me, either. I should probably hurry before they find out there's no guards outside.
Also… I wonder.
Looking over at the guy I harassed, I asked more questions. "Where's the money?"
...He snorts at me. "What money? We're flat damn broke. Okita should ask himself that..."
Hmm. "I'll make sure to tell him that."
...Doesn't look like he cares. Back to collecting rifles, then…
Oh, ammo, too. They've just got boxes of bullets stationed around, so that's… hmm. Oh, right, I have a backpack.
/ / / / ONII-CHAN-SAN-CHAN, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO ON THE BED / / / /
I never went back to Byakuren. I just took the guns and left. I'm walking around with four rifles in my arms, and a backpack bloated with ammo boxes and more guns.
...Should I take this back to the bar, or should I take it to the capitol? Since I'm an officer and all, this is technically legal confiscation.
...I think I'm just going to give some of these to my fellow loli comrades and sell the rest on the black market.
Right now, I'm… actually just a few alleys away from the place I just robbed blind. Thankfully, Small Packages is up the road, since this all happened on just this one road, really.
...So now is time to make my voyage across the road armed to the teeth. Who wishes to fuck with the armory loli.
…
Apparently not many people. I suppose that actually makes sense, because Touhou universe. What people think will happen: all the guns float into the air and fire infinite death lasers at them. What would actually happen: I can't do shit like this.
Still not many people outside, either. On my right is a bunch of fellow short people, all standing around this one stand on the street, in attire of all shades. Well, not quite as short as me, but still. Who are these people, and why are they multiple houses down from what would technically be our lawn.
...I'll see about it when I'm not armed to the absolute teeth, however. Holding more than seven guns might freak them out.
After I pass them, I look at Small Packages as I near it…
Shikome is there. She's perched up upon the roof, like a hawk of prey, ready to devour me whole like beast.
Or something like that. Perhaps she's just pretending to be a gargoyle.
...I enter the bar with my heavy weapons.
...Some patrons glance over at me, and keep their stares. Good.
With my entourage of weapons, I romp over towards the counter…
...This woman in a vibrant purple kimono looks over at me, seated there. "...Woa~h."
Yes, woah. Behold the loli, and tremble.
"Do you have a permit for tho~se…?" The woman considered. "Wait, is that a thing? I forget…"
...Good. "Okita. Also, I'm the CFO now, so yeah."
"Aw~. Okita's such a sweetheart…" This woman apparently knows him. "Wait, how do you know Okita…!?"
I'm his sister's cousin thrice removed. "We're both on the village council."
...She nods. "Hmm. I guess that makes sense…" Her hair is a long, flowing red. It's not particularly natural, but it's a more tame shade than most people's here.
Puffing up her chest, she points to herself. "I'll have you know, I'm a police officer!"
...Ahuh. "Wouldn't that be a guard?" As in, village guard…?
She shakes her head. "Fufu. Yeah, I wouldn't expect you to know what that is..."
Okay.
...For now, I'll stash these under the counter and have Rumia lug them up or something.
...There we are. Just a… hold on. I should get those ammo boxes out so I can actually use my backpack and shit, not just leave it here. There're valuable self-defense tools in there.
Thu- thunk. Guns and ammo are noisy to throw around.
"What's this stuff…?" Vanilla does not know what guns are.
"Boomsticks." Rifle guns, for fighting and fun. Well, muskets.
"I would like to know why this server girl is literally naked, but I suppose it's none of my business…" The mature woman waves her ruby red nails at me. "Also, this other one."
The long-haired blonde trap demon was down here for some reason, rubbing up against the woman. "C'mo~n. I'll be your bitch, baby…" I think she's rubbing her crotch on the woman's thigh.
In response, the mature woman raises a brow, not even looking at the thing pleasuring itself with her side. "What is this hard thing, and why is it poking me?"
…
"It's my boner." Demon trap states plainly. "I want to have sex with you."
"Would you say you have a bone to pick with me?" The woman looks over at the trap neutrally. "I don't think I did anything to make you ma~d…"
Stumbling back, the demon trap just exhales. "Fu- nnh. You're impossible. What's it gonna take to get you in bed…!?"
"A bedtime story and some warm milk." The woman smiles into the air… "Ah, yes…"
Spreading her arms out- I just remembered her name was Tay- Tay gives the woman an uneven stare. "...I'll, um, tuck you in, girl. I've got plenty of nice, warm milk for you."
"...No thanks, I'm not tired." The woman gives her a toothy smile.
...Tay just slouches.
"Do you have a sex drive." I ask this woman. She's as normally ineffectual as I am, and you don't see that often.
She waves my question off. "Eeh, not recently. I masturbate a lot though!" Wait- what.
Tay double takes. "...Are you shitting me?"
...The woman just jerks her head back. "I beg your pardon?"
"Are you shitting, on me?" Tay gestures to herself with her arms.
"Ew. I don't think so?" Who is this woman, and why'd she go to a bar.
"Are you shitting on my dick!?" Tay stands up, and lifts her skirt- okay.
The woman's eyes light up. "Ooo~! I didn't know girls could have those…!"
...She looks over at me. "Did you know!?" Why ask me.
...Wait. She's not even drinking. She just came in and sat down and started talking to us.
Vanilla. "Did she even order anything?"
She shakes her head. "...No." My assumption was correct.
I look at her. "Why are you here."
...Smiling at me, then the walls, she begins to scan the store. "I don't know. I decided to take a walk, and I saw this place, and I liked it. Also, there's a girl on your roof, pretending to be a hawk of prey, so that was cool."
Nice. "There's a big flashy casino two doors down, and you chose here."
...She shrugged. "This looked less… well-trodden. And hawk girl."
I suppose she can sit here being weird all she wants. Perhaps talk up other guests, as long as she doesn't scare them away somehow. She's very mature in shape, however, so I doubt she'll be scaring many men away, despite being a maniac.
...This normally isn't the most wise, but this isn't a conventional patron. "What is your name?" I ask of her.
She beams at me. "Kotohime! I'm a police officer!" You sure are.
/ / / / MANIAC PRINCESS THAT ISN'T KAGUYA / / / /
Anyway, I'm interested in what this small person gathering is outside on my turf, as it were. Hopefully no one recognizes me as the MegaDeth loli from before.
...It seems to be an ice cream stall of some kind that everyone is rallied around. That, or everyone magically packed ice cream for this excursion, which I doubt.
"Nana-cha~n. Did they have the kind you wanted…?"
"Mmm, mmm!"
"Hey, Ami. Are you sure about that test…?" Tests? In this dimension? Keine must be some bottom-feeding, scum-sucking algae eater.
"Shi-kun. I missed you!" One letter away from being a great name.
"I need bigger glasses…"
There's a lot of kids here, and they're all excited. I say kids, but most of these are mid-teenager-looking people.
So I step up to them to investigate. Hello, fellow children.
"Hello, fellow children people." I greet my human peers. "What's hip."
...Some of the kids near me give me blank stares, before resuming their everyday fellow children activities.
"Who're you?" This girl with brown hair and thick glasses focuses on me. She's a head taller than me, too.
A fellow human child. Actually, it'd be a little off to call myself Matt, all things considered. I don't think little girls are named Matt very often.
...I don't actually have to give a name, so whatever. "Me."
"...Oh." She just accepts this. "Are you here for an ice cream, too?"
"...What flavors are there?" I might as well.
Pausing, the girl looks over at the stand. I just remembered everything's in Japanese. "Well, let's see…" She even points for me, even if I can't tell where she's pointing exactly. "Blueberry~. Strawberry… Banana."
Ah, fruit flavors. How does this impoverished city state even have those. "...Strawberry." The girliest of flavors.
"Ah…" Giving me another glance, she stares at the stand for a moment. "...Wait here. I'll get it for you. It's free ice cream day today, for students…"
...I was about to ditch her with her freshly bought ice cream, but it really doesn't matter if it's free, does it.
While she fetches it, I take the moment to survey the other students…
Curiously, no one has books on them, at the moment.
Pop- fss~h… Someone pops open a soda bottle nearby. I assume it's soda, because when do kids drink anything else. I say this, even though I was never big on soda.
...On closer examination, some of the teenagers around me have flasks on their waists, bottles, small bags, or the very occasional backpack-esque pouch. What are those?
A blue-haired boy shorter than me walks up, his joyful gaze meeting mine. "Hyawahaha?"
...I just blink at him.
"Do you, know my sister…?" He just questions me for no reason.
"Probably not." Back, vile thing, and etcetera.
"I know my sister…" Pleased with himself, he looks away, smiling. What.
Okay. No wonder the village is fucked. What do they put in the water.
...The person at the ice cream stand proper's just some woman. Long brown hair, tall- albeit, my perception of height is somewhat skewered now. Pink apron over casual clothing… clothing that's slightly more vibrant that the typical village affair.
That girl comes back with my strawberry ice cream. It's on a cone. "Here."
Yum. This may've not been a complete waste of time, at least.
...While I devour this confectionary, a villager steps by us, giving us a sideways stare.
Pop- pop- fss~h… More kids pop open those iconic soda bottles around me.
"Do you like it…?" Why is this girl talking to me.
No. "...Mrm." I'm eating, if you couldn't tell.
...Oh, wait. I just realized, that guy staring at us is one of the guys from just up the road, at the gun house that I robbed blind. And he's staring at me.
I'm curious as to why it's just one. Is he the only one who escaped the resulting religious wrath?
...He pauses as he passes us, giving us a nice long stare.
I stare back. His focus is still on me in particular, although he seems somewhat fidgety.
...Taking this moment, he starts to approach us briskly.
To test him, I dart further into the crowd of children. Wade through my meat shields, if you dare.
As he nears, the children begin to focus on him entirely, looking away from their talks and activities.
Stopping before the children awkwardly, he furrowed his brows. "...Um. Hey."
"What's up, mister…?" The girl with glasses addresses him apprehensively, a hand to the green-filled flask on her side…
"...I'm, uh, here to see my… daughter." He looks up from her, at me.
…
"If she's not stepped out to meet you herself, then you're not needed here." The ice cream stand woman speaks up, telling him to fuck off.
"It's important. Just..." He starts to move closer to the kid group to get through them-
"Stay back…!" The glasses girl slides into the way. "Don't come any closer, mister…! I- I'm warning you!"
"Leave them alone!" Navigating around the stand, the ice cream woman gets feisty.
His face hardens. Bringing his arms together, he commits to charging through them to get to me-
Crack! The girl threw her flask at him, shielding herself with her arms.
Fwoo~sh. A green cloud erupted from the glass flask, enveloping him. "Hrrm…!?" Grimacing, he snaps his gaze to me, before- "Ough- ngh…" He begins doubling back, grabbing at his own face-
Pop! Pop! Crack- crack! Crack! Some of the kids uncorked their soda and tossed the bottles at him, which shattered on impact, showering the hard-faced man with soda of various shades.
"Here!" Drawing another flask, the brown-haired, bespectacled girl tossed it.
Crack! Purple, lucid liquid exploded over him as he turned to bolt away-
Thud. "Ouh! Argh- nnh…" He begins to claw at the soil of the dirt road, while the soda on his limbs seemingly begins to solidify, sealing his movements. "N- no…!"
...Within a minute, after clawing the ground and shambling away, he's stuck about twenty feet from us. He's almost immobile now, aside from the still vigorous jerking and spasming to get himself moving more, to little avail.
...The ice cream stand woman exhaled. "Hah. I should have supposed. You kids sure know how this village operates, huh?"
Everyone just goes back to being as useless as they were before, holstering their various knickknacks onto their belts and sides. Some of them even stow small, curious armaments into their sleeve-esque backpacks…
"Is everyone alright…?" This older boy kid looks us all over idly, seeming reluctant to properly survey us.
"Yeah."
"Uh huh…"
"I guess."
Well, this has been eventful. I've just about finished my ice cream now. It was pretty good.
...Sadly, this cone is paper-esque. I would have consumed it too, but it's inedible.
Tossing the cone away, I leave my fellow stout citizenry and start to navigate towards the man. He's currently on his stomach- side almost, rather awkwardly-
A kid protests the cone I tossed. "Hey, you littered…" Who cares.
"Who the fuck cares?" Oh, hey, there are foul-mouthed kids.
"Ah…" The glasses girl watches me go.
...Stepping up to the immobilized, lying man, I look up at Shikome's perch-
Oh, she's here, in front of me, right now. Standing next to me and the guy.
...After a moment, she looks down at him.
Glancing down at him myself, I speak. "I-"
Grabbing him by the arm, Shikome trots off towards Small Packages; which was literally right next to where the man collapsed in the road. Well, I suppose this works too.
/ / / / BEHIND SERENA / / / /
I'll find out what she did with the body later. If I spend too much time dicking around like a happy loli, the day will go to waste.
...Standing before the town hall of swiss cheese, I ready myself to wheel and deal. I've formulated big plans over the past few days- between getting molested and being bored.
Spotting the shattered side-hall entrance, I proceed through it and in…
Just like last time, this hallway is plain. Red carpet, beige walls… paintings of the most unremarkable things possible. Like old people, and plains. Paintings of pots… with identical, actual pots placed beneath them. What the hell's the point.
On the stairs up to the second floor, I briefly slow down to admire this portrait of big burly armor, with high banners over it- within the portrait, that is. That's only vaguely more interesting. The armor almost looks like something from Final Fantasy. Thankfully, they're only holding a regular katana; none of that fantasy sword bullshit.
Swinging the council room door open, I step inside…
Wow. This place is empty today. The chief's here, though.
"Oh…?" Also, Okita, who was next to the chief. "...Huh."
Stepping into the room… I just proceed towards them, there's really nothing idle to do.
"Oh, hello there…" The old chief waves at me. "Why, um…"
...Silence. I suppose I'll make my case, then-
"You'll get mail a day or two before the meeting, with a date printed on it." Okita gives me a thumbs up. "...I've wandered here on an off day once or twice, too."
I don't think I gave them my mailing address, so I'll have to do that. Anyway- that wasn't what I came here for. "I've come here to discuss legislation."
"...Oh!" The chief seems to sit up at that. "...Okay! What about it, ah…?"
"...I was considering our financial status." I have no idea what it is, but I have considered the fact it exists. "It would be within our benefit to consider identification for citizens of the village."
Raising a brow, the chief leans back again. "...What do you mean, 'identification'...?"
"They register on our records, and we give them a card that proves that they exist." Essentially. "So we can better keep headcount."
...He tilts his head back and forth. "Ah. Alright. How much would this cost us, now…?"
"The IDs will be paper." I declare. "Probably nothing. Additionally… we should make a case about charging youkai for their identification."
Okita snorts. "Oo~h. This'll be good…" He seems to be playing with a book in the background, flipping it around by its covers with his palms.
Furrowing his brows, the chief tilts his head. "...You know- you say that, however… how will we determine more certainly, who is and isn't youkai? I seem to understand that our previous guard captain was not… thorough in his investigations, which led to his dismissal."
...We hear some doors swing on the lower floor, and after the chief takes a glance, I do too.
Ah. Byakuren and… toyota girl. Whatever her name was. She's got a nice cape. Taoist leader girl with headphones, fluffy ears, a big cape, and a sword.
"Oh, there they are." The chief smiles down at them. "They had some ideas, about that. Hey- come on up here!" He waves them up…
Floating up on the other side, the girls leisurely make their way over towards our little meet and greet…
"He~y." Okita waves at them. "It's Byakuyakuren. You fetch those smokes?"
"I still have no idea what you're talking about." Byakuren doesn't bother to look at him to respond.
Toyota focused her stare on Okita. "...I know you're having fun getting situated into your new role and everything, but it would be nice if you actually regulated the guard."
Waving her off, he leaned back. "Aah. I already threw out that stupid shit Hagane did on day one. I'm just waiting for them to make their mistakes and get their skulls cracked open. Why beat 'em up myself when they practically volunteer themselves as yer target practice?"
...Done with him, Toyota focuses on me instead. Hello, fluffy ears.
"It's your responsibility." Byakuren chided the suited man. "They look up to you as a role model. It sends a poor message to leave them in a state of anarchy and discord."
...Grinning, Okita centered his gaze on her. "Ha~h. They don't look up to me for shit. Bein' a guard's a cushy job, and you get a sword just for showin' up. That's gonna change."
...Shaking her head, Byakuren focuses on Toyota no Miko, before looking at the chief.
"You wanted us to demonstrate our youkai identifying prototypes, yes?" Fluffy ears no Miko regarded him.
We don't really need any fucking high-tech machines. Shikome can probably just tell.
"...Something like that." He nodded. "What do you have?"
Miko held up a small controller. "...It may look mechanical, but this device is largely magical."
She points it around the room, scanning it over each of us, before directing it towards Byakuren-
Bee~p! It let out a really loud beep, the light in the midst of the controller lighting up.
Click. She flipped a slider on the side, turning it off. "...It's simple. Youkai harbor inner desires different from those of humans."
The chief nodded. "Right. The desire to kill…"
Okita leaned back. "The desire to fuck…?"
...Miko sighed. "Not really. You could think of it like that, I guess."
Byakuren looked vaguely off-put by everyone's collective stupidity, if the subtle shift of her smile and posture says anything.
That machine sounds useful, however. "How many do you have?" Inquiring lolis want to know.
...Staring at me for a moment, Miko complies. "Fifty, or so." Good enough.
"So it seems we do have a way…" Stroking his beard, the chief nodded.
Byakuren begins to speak. "Additionally, we've developed our own models…"
Instead of a device, she raises a metal rod.
Letting out a snort, Okita grins widely. "Oo~h, harsh. Y'know, some people have a fetish for that." I don't think that's fit for the ass or the urethra. Not that anything is fit for the urethra, but if there was an awkward in-between, this is it.
"It's not a sex toy." Byakuren denies our wildest fears. "It isn't dissimilar from a dowsing rod." You're not helping your case here, you realize.
...She points her 'dowsing rod' at Miko-
It glows with soft blue light. "...However, it acts more imprecisely compared to desire, something I haven't as much access to. It checks body composition and magical signatures."
She points the rod at herself-
It glows with a rainbow of colors.
She points it at the chief, and nothing happens.
...She points it at Okita. It blinks purple for a moment, before going out. "Hmm."
...Once she points it at me, it gains a purple tint- but nothing bright, just enough to color the metal. "Ah."
With her testing complete, she brings it to her side-
Fwish! On the way, it lights up an unholy purple. "...Hmm? Black light…?"
Stepping back, she tests this inconsistency by waving it around. Only occasionally, the rod flares with black light. "...I can't sense the source. Perhaps it is-"
Beep! Miko's youkai detector goes off in the background, despite being pointed at the floor.
...Byakuren gives her a smile. "Defective?"
Miko gives her a fixed grin back. "Hmm, yes, perhaps. You'd best double-check your work, Hijiri."
"Wise words, Toyosatomimi. Words we should all practice." Byakuren's expression is as fixed as it always is, as she stares into the soul of her rival.
That's nice.
...I focus on the chief. "Now that we can identify youkai, we may charge them for their cards. Any without cards will be removed from the village."
"Hold on." Miko spoke in protest. "...Are you certain this is a viable political strategy?"
No, but it makes money.
"That isn't right." Byakuren opposes my stance. "Do you realize the financial state of the village? Unless it's a courtesy maintenance fee, I fail to see the purpose of impoverishing this village's peaceful inhabitants further."
"It keeps the bad youkai out." I justify. "The polite ones have money." Not that I need to justify myself. I'm the CFO; she's not.
"But…!" Her eyebrows raise. "...Genuinely? You know-"
"Yes. Genuinely." Take my ten inches of thick loli sass.
...Miko speaks up next. "...While I do not fully agree with Hijiri's stance, I would like to add that it is in exceedingly bad tact to so immediately strongarm a portion of the village's populace, even if it doesn't belong."
I focus on her. "It's called the human village. Note: human. Village."
"I understand this quite well…" She nods at me. "Even so, if you'd take a slower-"
"No." All the taxes. Let's see how far I can push the fold before there's a coup or something. Again. "...However." It's time to execute the better part of politics.
...The women wait for me to respond. Okita's just lounging about behind me, flipping that book around again.
"We're only charging them once, for the card." I inform them of my vast generosity. "They have a month's time to pay the fee, too. We'll notify everyone."
...Calming down, the religious leaders seem more placated by that.
"Even so." Miko's gaze is less hard than it was, but still hard. "Reconsider the ferocity of this action. The last guard captain was removed for a reason; and you haven't even executive authority."
The old guard captain was just an incompetent loon. Here, we're forcing them out through natural means. It's not my fault if they can't pay.
"I can't believe this…" Byakuren shook her head. "Do you know what this will do?"
Yes. "I know. Of course, if they don't have the money, they could always come back with it. Perhaps they could get aid from somewhere, even." I wiggle my loli-brows at the women.
...The women just give me a stare.
In addition… "I am the Chief Financial Officer…" Behold the smug loli. "I should be able to help any poor soul with their finances."
"Let's go." Byakuren begins to leave, making for the door past us.
"...I see." Miko holds her stare on me, as she treads after her. "May you have their best interests in mind."
...After some moments, they're gone.
"Hoo~." Okita plopped his book down on the big super desk. "You sure got balls, little girl."
"It's not a one-time payment." I shake my head. "We're taxing the shit out of them too."
"Hehaha~!" He gets a chuckle at that. "...Y'know, that's not bad. Hope you know what you're doing."
This is good.
...I look over at the chief, who's just looking kind of bored.
"I'm ready to proceed." Now for all the boring crap, like printing paper, and designing it or whatever the fuck.
/ / / / I'M FIGURING ON BIGGERING / / / /
I walk out the capitol front door with Okita. It seems we've got the production of the necessary materials in the works. I'm glad we time-skipped the twenty thousand hundred years it took to talk about paper and shit.
...By 'front door' I basically mean 'the big open space after the inner front door'. This place is wrecked.
"How much do you plan on chargi~ng…?" Okita speaks lazily, almost yawning as we exit the capitol. "That sorta makes a big difference…"
I thought we went over that inside. Maybe his ADHD got the better of him at that very moment. "We discussed it earlier. You know-"
"Oh! Right. Yeah." He blinks at the air. "Whole thing kind of becomes a blur after awhile. The capitol's freakin' boring."
...I look over at him. "Oh, right. There were these guys with guns who didn't want to give up money."
...Okita just stares at me. "...You might have to narrow that down."
"North main." I've become accustomed to what streets are what streets. "Near the end-"
"Right, those fuckers…" He grins. "Dunno why the hell you went an' talked to them, but whatever. If they're pissed about something, I'll sort 'em out. Bunch of washed up geezers. I've already charged 'em for..." Focusing on me again, he grins. "Really, why'd you visit them…?"
Guns. "I took their guns in your name, and then they got curbstomped by buddhists."
...He seems to brush it off. "What a buncha pussies. The hell'd ya do with the guns?"
"Sold them." Instantly. They're all gone.
We're nearing the exit of the hoighty toighty district, and entering the roads again. It's already pretty late in the day; the sun's just beginning to set.
"It'd figure." Waving off my actions, he reaches into his suit. "Ta random assholes, or didja get a deal?"
Why's he care, anyway. "...A guy in a big cloak." The biggest.
...Okita grins at me. "He stops around in town, now…? Wow. Either this place is fucked ten ways to Sunday, or you're just sayin' random shit."
Well, on that note… "To be honest, I didn't anticipate a guy in a big cloak actually existing when I made that excuse."
"Pfthehe~!" Grinning, he starts to take a deviating turn once we reach the square. "For a little shit, you're alright. Don't die now, y'hear? It'd be kinda retarded if you just crapped the bed and left me with all this hokey horseshit to clean up myself."
"I'll make an active attempt not to." Yeah, bye.
...Once he's gone, I continue on my way.
…
Ah. Small Packages is right over there.
I get the urge to glance-
Shikome is behind me, shadowing my movements perfectly. The instant I sight her, however, she gets in my face and we boop noses.
/ / / / AND BIGGERIN'S, TRIGGERIN', MO~RE BIGGERIN / / / /
Kotohime never fucking left.
"Hehehe~!" She's sitting next to Albus, who seems to have become pure alcohol and sunk into the counter.
"Mrrm." He doesn't even care that a big-breasted moe princess is practically leaning on him; he's that hammered.
...It's still the same evening, by the way. Shikome didn't rape my brains out, just disoriented me and left me with whiplash.
"Aw~, this is the best…" Kotohime's waving around an unopened bottle. "So this is the bar experience everyone's talking about!"
...Stepping up to Vanilla, I question the premise. "...How many bottles is she on?"
The vampire shook her head. "Just… one. She bought it to wave it around, 'cause some guys were doing that earlier…" She has completely and utterly missed the point of going to a bar. I didn't know this kind of person existed.
...Pat. Kotohime pats Albus on the back.
...Pat! After a moment, she slaps him harder.
…
Pap! She rams her arm into his back-
"Wha- whah the fuck…!" Sitting upright, Albus whips his head around. "Who- who's…?"
"Pft- hehehe~!" She's shifted back to appear as if she wasn't slapping him on the back.
...Looks like the guns are still under the counter, where I left them. I can't believe Kotohime's sat in the same fucking chair all day and just talked. You know what…
I turn to Vanilla. "Did she ever… go out, at all?" She couldn't have just sat here all day.
Vanilla nodded. "A few times, to, um, pee. She tried to order a water, but... only you can make it, so she bought water somewhere else and came back…"
She bought water somewhere else and came back. For what reason…
...I look back at Kotohime. She's left her chair entirely, seemingly to try and get a running start to hit Albus.
...Cla- clack- clack! She roars towards him with startling speed, her sandals clacking against the wood-
Wham! She slaps him in the back as she slides onto her stool-
"Hoa~!"
Albus slides onto the counter, and almost falls over onto our end. "Fuhuhuaa~...!"
"Hahaha~!" Unable to contain herself, Kotohime breaks out into laughter. "Huhahaha~!" She's insane.
"Wha' happen!?" Albus is simply bewildered.
"Oh- oh, my god…!" Leaning onto the counter, she can hardly contain her mirth. "Hehehe~...!"
"Whoo~!?" Pushing himself off the counter-
Thud- thunk, thunk! Albus took multiple stools down with him, as he fell back, eating shit.
"Hahahaa~!" Kotohime's a maniac.
"Should we, um…" Vanilla holds her hands to her mouth…
I don't know. We must put a stop to this, maybe.
Time to make a suggestion. "Why don't you actually drink something?" Actually, this is a terrible idea. I can only imagine how she is drunk.
"Hehehe~..." Calming down, she looks me over. "...Aa~h. Isn't that only for, like, dating…?" Where the hell did you come from.
...She holds up an empty glass cup, not even one of ours. "Oh, I already drank, even! Wate~r…"
Excellent. That was not my intention. "Alcohol. Do you ingest it."
She waves me off. "I don't like getting drunk in front of company~. Besides, I'm a police officer. I can't drink on working hours." Why did you go to a bar. Also- you spent all your working hours at a bar
If I hired a police officer, and they spent their entire day shift at a bar, and even managed to not get drunk, I think I'd fire them twice as hard.
Thu- thu- thump! Suddenly, that twin-tailed trap romps down the plywood mess. Oh, I've just realized, our music box is here now. Aiko must have dropped it off.
While I move to investigate the music box, that other trap- Isami, that was her name- makes haste towards Kotohime…
"I've got a present in my pa~nts…" Isami waves her skirt about, a noticeable protrusion evident beneath the fabric.
"...You're wearing a skirt, not pants." Noticing an inconsistency, Kotohime shakes her head.
"I want to mate with you." Isami comes onto her strongly.
"Oh!" She gives the trap a grand nod.. "Take a seat!" ...She looks to her side, realizing all the stools were still on the ground, as was Albus. "Whoops."
...Looking unsure, the trap moved to set one of the stools back up, before sitting next to Kotohime.
...Well, while they do nothing in particular, let's see about this music box…
Or, rather, jukebox. I didn't know Gensokyo had these.
It's rather old-looking, but that goes for pretty much the entire human village. It doesn't seem to have a money slot; you just adjust it however. Not sure if commercialized.
...There's some dials, as well as buttons. Inside, the names of songs are written next to numbers, in Japanese. Just a simple, white sheet slipped into the dome of the jukebox.
I press the central button-
...Some kind of piano piece starts playing. This thing is louder than I anticipated.
"What…?" The trap seems startled by such a mystical device.
"Oh, wow!" Springing up, Kotohime marches over to the jukebox. "I have one of these!" Not anymore. Actually, I don't know that.
It's not quite one of those express superdome jukeboxes, but it's got a glass top to it that can be looked in on. It's a compact box with a rounded top, and it's lit up. But, we couldn't have plugged it in. Does it just work on its own?
I press the skip button. The piano stops, and the machine takes a moment…
Something smooth sounding and electric plays. What is this. This isn't village music, surely, unless they have synthesizers here.
Skip. Let's see how many songs there are.
...After a moment, something jazzy snaps to life. This is perhaps more appropriate.
Then, I am surprised by the presence of lyrics. "How lucky can one guy be? I kissed her, and she kissed me."
"Why's it in English…!?" Kotohime grins down at the jukebox. English, huh?
"Like the fella once said, 'ain't that a kick in the hea~d'?" This song's fun. The atmosphere's rather apt-
Kotohime presses the 'skip' button. "What el~se…" Good.
...After a moment of quiet machine whining-
"Hey everybody- did the news get arou~nd!? About a guy named Butcher Pete!?" Oh. "Oh, Pete just flew into this to~wn, and he's choppin' up a~ll the women's meat!" Well.
...I slowly pan my gaze towards Kotohime while the song progresses. "He's hackin', and wackin' and smackin'! He's hackin', and wackin' and smackin'! He's hackin', and wackin' and-"
Smiling brilliantly, she moves to press the skip button. "This is a rather devilish little box, isn't it…?"
...The demon trap wanders over to us while the machine whines-
"Die! Die! Die! Can you feel the edge!? Die! Die! Die!" Suddenly, the heaviest of metal. Perhaps so heavy that it wraps around. "Can you feel the bullet, from a gun that de~fies!?"
"Woahoho~!" Kotohime reels back from the edge. "Owo, what's this…!?" Did she just-
"Die! Die! Die! I will have my revenge- die! Die! Die! Can you dodge my shadow from afar, or lay hand to the king of darkness!? And slide right down to Hell-"
I slam the skip button. That's enough of that, thank you.
...The machine whines again-
Ah. Oh, hey. It's the most stereotypical romance music ever. With the sax and the drums.
...I check over my shoulder to make sure Shikome isn't there.
"O~h, woaho~h…" Nice lyric.
"Jazzy stuff…" Kotohime nods along-
Isami grabs onto her hand. "Pretty sexy, isn't-"
"I feel, so unsu~re…" The singer feels unsure. "As I take your hand, and lead you to, the, dance, floor…"
"As the music dies-"
Kotohime presses the skip button again, using Isami's hand to do it. "Whoops. My pinkie slipped…!"
"You fuckin'..." Isami looks jaded.
...Once another quiet moment passes, the music is back. This song started with a bunch of cowbell noises…
...Ah. Funk music.
Once it gets into it, Kotohime begins stepping about gingerly. "Ooo~..."
"Catchy…" Isami tilts her head, brows furrowed.
"I said a hip, hop. Hippie to the hippie- the hip, hip a hop, and you don't stop- a rockin' to the bang bang boogie, say up jump the boogie- to the rhythm of the boogity beat." Say what.
Kotohime begins clapping along to the claps. "Woa~h…!"
...I look at the bar's other patrons, along the unremarkable tables in the front. No one seems berserked by the meme music, fortunately.
"Now what you hear is not a test, I'm rappin' to the beat! And me, the groove, and my friends are gonna try to move your feet!"
...Isami slides her arm around Kotohime's back. "Hey, hey. Let's dance-"
Click- click!
...Isami slid a handcuff onto Kotohime's left hand. Kotohime flipped a handcuff onto Isami's right hand.
Glancing over at the other handcuff, Kotohime beams. "Wo~w! I thought only I knew what these things were!"
"The hell…!" Isami tugs her hand back, causing the two to rotate away in an almost dancy manner.
"Y'see- I am Wonder Mike, and I'd like to say 'hello'! To the black, to the white, the red, and the brown, the purple and yellow!" Music stuffs.
...After a moment-
Thunk. "Woah!" Kotohime tips a stool over as she 'dances' with Isami towards the counter.
"But first- I gotta bang bang boogie, say up jump the boogie, to the bang bang boogie-"
I skip the song. Too high energy.
Thu- thud! The girls fall over in the background. "He~y!" Kotohime calls out at me, from the floor.
...Isami's buried herself between Kotohime's breasts. "Mrrm…" That was probably totally intentional.
...Once the machine's done whining, it plays a bunch of claps. Not entirely enthusiastic claps.
Shortly, speaking occurs, a sort of stereotypical male voice from the old film ages 'speaking'. "Is Dexter ill- Is Dexter ill- Is Dexter ill-"
"Is Dexter ill today-"
Female voice. "Oh- Mister Kirk, Dexter's in school!"
"I'm afraid he's not, Miss Fishborne." Who.
Thud. Kotohime rolled Isami off of her. "The~re you are…"
"Ehehe~..." Isami seems to have a rabbit in her skirt again, as she lies on her side. "Ooo~."
The male voice speaks again. Is there a radio drama mixed in here or something? "Dexter's truancy problem is way out of hand. The Baltimore County school board have decided to expel Dexter from the entire public school system."
The mother is understandably upset by this. "Oh mister Kirk, I'm as upset as you are to learn of Dexter's truancy- but surely, expulsion is not the answer!"
However, he has a different opinion. "I'm afraid expulsion is the only answer."
...Kotohime's forced to drag Isami along by her handcuffed hand as she stands-
Cla- clank. Oh, she got the handle end free from her, Isami's hand having slipped from it. Taking a moment, she twisted her arm intricately, rotating her wrist around-
Clack. The handcuff latched to Kotohime's hand slid off. "Haha~. See, playing with handcuffs everyday does have its merits!"
"It's the opinion of the entire staff that Dexter is criminally insane- sane- sane- sane."
With that, the music kicks in. So it actually is a song. It's filled with curious sounds, the brief noise of horses in the background, and some kind of unholy choir humming.
Stepping up to me, Kotohime twirls the handcuffs she nicked from the demon trap around on her finger. "Thought she could pull a citizen's arrest on me. Y'know what they say, 'who arrests first is right'. She oughta get more familiar with her tools."
Is that so.
"That boy needs therapy." It has lyrics, too, it seems. "Psychosomatic- that boy needs therapy. Purely psychosomatic- that boy needs therapy."
Well. This music's pretty interesting.
"Lie down on the couch!" The male voice demands of someone.
"What does that mean?" This other voice shall herein be called 'male two'. Be honored, be awed, be amazed.
"You're a nut! You're crazy in the coconut!" ...I see.
"What does that mean?" Male two is clinically retarded, then.
"That boy needs therapy." Oh. So that's what it all comes back to.
Click! Kotohime's somehow handcuffed both her hands together. "A- ah… um? Ah, darn it…"
/ / / / I'M THE KEEPER OF THE PAYLOAD ATTACK TONIGHT / / / /
We found something neutral and non-distracting to play on the jukebox, after awhile. Some sort of tired, jazzy background ambience.
Back at the main counter, I polish it with a rag. This is marginally more difficult than it used to be, when I was a full-sized person, and not a fun-sized one.
Kotohime finally seems tuckered out, leaning onto the counter. "Haa~h…"
It's pretty late, I suppose. It's dark outside now, and the temperature is quite lower than it normally is. Since this first floor is pretty open, and this village's architecture is quite… economic, I can see my breath.
Albus has been long gone, having been escorted out by Fred when he found him still on the floor.
We do have some curious faces this evening, however.
...A mature woman with long black hair, in a mint green kimono stares into my soul, sitting to the far left. Her face is long, locked in a tired frown. There's a bruise on her left cheek, and her kimono's sort of singed. She reminds me of one of Brad's stupid friends, except she's only similar. Probably because she's also a yuki-onna.
Between the maniac and the ice queen are two blonde girls in particularly autumn-reminiscent dresses.
...Seems to be a largely female front lot tonight. By which I mean, all female. The main tables out on the floor are empty, because it's cold and also really late, not just late.
"Autumn's almost over…" The one with a red table cloth on her head is solemn.
"You've been saying that for an hour, now…" Hugging herself, Kotohime grins at the autumn girl. "You haven't even sipped your little ale…"
We don't have mugs, so we put ale in a cup. I'm not sure if it's ale, either. Alcoholic cupped beverage.
...She looks over at Kotohime. "Autumn's almost over."
"Ale?" Kotohime shifted the girl's 'ale' about. Some of it spills off the cup and onto her hand, and she actually pauses to lick it off, making it the first drink she's had this evening.
"Autu~mn…" She frowns at the woman…
"A~le." Kotohime insists on shifting it about further, some more of the drink splashing out from her violence.
...The girl simply slowly turns towards Kotohime, before sighing.
"You're almost over." Giving up and leaning onto the counter, Kotohime relents. "What's so good about autumn, anyway?"
"They're the harvest gods, human." The woman on the far left of the counter spoke, looming over her small cup of distilled sake. She actually specifically requested it half mixed with water, and only a single cup. I usually just have people buy the entire bottle, but she insisted on a single cup. "Soon, their time will be up, and they'll have to make due for the next year to come. They have a habit of fretting when their golden months are numbered."
"I kno~w." Kotohime gets into the shorter god's face. "But, a~le."
...After a silent moment, Kotohime simply slides the goddess's hat off, and wears it herself, adopting a small, smug expression.
"And why're you here…?" The leftmost, initially hatless goddess regarded the icy woman. Icy as in, she has a resting bitch face, and very particular movements. "To rub it in?"
"...No. Looking around." The woman declared. "Surveying. As hard as it is to admit… recouping energy myself. I've failed grievously today."
...She stares over our counter, at Vanilla.
"Brr~..." Vanilla's wrapped herself in her cloak to keep warm, rather than to keep decent.
...Everyone is cold and sad. I might have to see about heating, if only because it would make everyone want to visit here in the winter.
No wood burning stoves, however. If I'm half concerned I'd burn down the place with one, I'm one hundred percent certain one of these other chucklefucks will.
...After a moment, a woman romps in in the dead of night. Ah, she's that crazy curvy woman, with black clothing and navy hair from the other day. Crazy and then curvy, not crazily curvy or any variant of. "Ah… ah…"
Panting, she takes a moment to slow down, after dashing inside.
...Drifting through the door behind her was that blue-haired companion of hers. 'Kaku', that's the moniker I know her by.
"Where is…" The curvy crazy chick locks her gaze on Vanilla, then me. "Him?"
...I put my hand on my head. "About yay big?" Yay big.
"Ye- yes." She nods greedily. "Where is he?"
We sold him to buddhist gangsters. I'm not sure if I should just admit that, however. Probably not. "...He doesn't work here, anymore."
...Her face falls. "Wha- wha?"
"Oh, dear." Kaku leisurely floats up to us… "All that exercise for naught."
"...We do have a selection of others, now." I advertise our service.
"...That's… okay." She doesn't seem to like it. After that, she becomes quiet, awkwardly looking around.
...Drifting past the moping goddesses, Kaku seems to light up upon seeing me. "...Oh, my. You've had an adventure since I was gone. Did you do your hair different?"
It seems like she may be able to tell it's me. Not sure how to feel about that. "...Yeah. I got a new hair clip. How does it look."
Kaku's grin becomes smug. "Oo~h, tsk tsk. It's a hair pin, barkeep-chan. Clips clip, pins pin." ...Good.
"...It is a clip, though." I feel at the clip in my hair. Small and flat. If I remember correctly, it was cyan.
Drifting further, she leans over the counter, examining my dark, straight hair. "...Oh, well what do you know. It's one of the tiny clips. I thought you meant the scrunchy kind, hrrm. My apologies, you're more feminine than I'd anticipated."
Achievement unlocked. "That's great."
...She takes a moment to look our relatively dead company over-
"Hey, hey, Seiga~!" Kotohime waves grandiosly at her, despite being next to her almost.
Seiga? Sega arcade. Not sure if that's her first or last name, so Kaku will still do for now.
Kaku simply scoffs at her. "Ah, you. No."
"Aww~!" Springing out of her chair, Kotohime beams at her. "I thought you were imaginary, but now you're not! Oo~h, maybe I made you real…!"
Kaku phases midway into the counter. Since I can see under it, I can see her legs just kind of there. "Who gave you the keys to your own house."
...I forgot she could do that.
"I decided to go to a bar, because I kept getting pestered about it." The maniac in a dress exclaimed. "Turns out, it's really fun!"
"I'm sure your kimono's full of so many crumbs, you could get marooned and still eat lunch for a month." The woman mocks her.
...Looking away, Kotohime… takes bread out of her kimono. "We~ll. That's not actually a bad idea~!"
After resting the bread on the counter, she takes out two jars: one of peanut butter, and one of jelly, also setting them on the counter. "I couldn't bring plates, but my lap normally works!" She grins widely over at Kaku…
...Said woman simply looks extremely jaded. "...O- oh."
"Hold on…" Furrowing her brows, the princess digs further into her kimono. "Ah, darn- really~..."
Fitting her entire arm into herself with no change in fabric to hint that she's actually digging through anything, she seems to rummage about. Where'd her arm go.
...She pulls out an entire cereal box, and sets it on the counter. "Here we go!"
"This is more than I bargained for." Kaku simply let her eyebrows raise. "You geniunely carry an entire feast on you."
"A~nd…!" From within her clothes, she draws a single slice of some kind of meat, and places it onto the bread. "Turkey slice!"
Sinking down, Kaku seems to let all but her head submerge into the counter. "My. I should have known better than to press, I suppose…" Her voice is projected through the counter. How do wall physics work...
Floating through the wood, she gets closer. "For what occasion did you prepare all of this? Actual maroonment? And… turkey with peanut butter, jam and cereal."
"Yeah- pretty much!" She nods happily at the woman who phases into the counter next to her meal, completely indifferent to how bizarre that looks.
...Then, after a moment, Kotohime gives her a smug, wry grin. "You should try this wonderful lunch. It's more than a delicious, tasty crunch."
...Kaku simply slowly swivels around to me, looking finished with that interaction.
…
"So…" Floating so only her waist was consumed by the counter, she brought her arms behind her back. Then, she turned to Vanilla. "Those mind-controlled servants of yours." Oh, she can tell.
...On a delay, Vanilla squeaked. "Wh- heah…!?"
"They're going to die." Kaku announced plainly. "They have two days at best, even fed and watered." Rest in rest.
"Wha- ah…" Blinking, Vanilla slowly takes in the reality of this statement. "...N- no."
...She raises a brow at the little vampire. "...Well, yes."
Vanilla shook her head, adopting a small frown. "I- I won't let them die… what do I have to do?"
"Release them." Kaku gave a simple answer. "Or diagnose their ills, and treat them, all of which is likely more trouble than it's worth, for such simple hypnotic command. And, even if cured of the disease their lifestyle has wrought, this unrefined practice has likely unraveled some part of their mental being. If your intent was to break them, however, you've done a fine job."
"...O- oh, no…" Vanilla holds her hands to her mouth. "Wha- what do you mean… unraveling?"
Floating out of the counter and taking a seat on it, Kaku brought a hand to her chin and considered the vampire's intent. "...Hmm. For one thing, they've been out of society for about a week or two. The time they've spent standing still and denied stimulation will likely demolish their capacity for decision-making and memory. Which, you know, may very well be temporary, but who knows how far removed they may be from society, by then?"
...Vanilla sniffs, unsure how to continue.
Therefore, Kaku follows up. "By the way, they've been pissing and shitting themselves, because you haven't been taking them out to do those things."
Don't try and tell me people defecate offscreen in this work. It's a lie and you know it.
Speaking down to to the tiny vampire, she seems to be quite calm about how she puts this. "I say they will die in two days because they will freeze to death, plain and simple. Avoiding that, you will need to start treating them for dietary problems, their lacking ability to receive hypnosis as their mental state unwinds, and, in an extreme case, changing their organs or tissues if bacteria starts to fester."
"Wha- how…?" Vanilla is more confused than depressed at this point. "Yo- you can't just do that, I think. How would you…?"
...Kaku seems to realize she's speaking to a child. Even so, she continues confusing her. "You know, no one knows one's body better than themself or their necromancer, and if they're not dead or unaware of themselves, then what's going on under the skin is anyone's guess."
...She looked away. "Assuming they don't die from germs either, which is just as real as organ failure when they're so numb. Hmmhmm."
Despite all of this, Kotohime is enjoying her turkey and PB&J sandwich.
That yuki-onna is actually half-finished with her glass of distilled sake. She hasn't anything to add, however she does look like she's about to pass out into the sake now.
The harvest gods look mildly perturbed, but still depleted.
"So…" Giving a slight frown, Vanilla starts to round the counter... "What… do I do?"
The vampire's enthusiasm- be it from lack of understanding- invigorates Kaku. Smirking, she gazes off into space for a moment, before focusing on her again. "I'd just said, you may release them."
...At that, Vanilla looks uncertain. "But… won't they… get hurt anyway?"
"Yes." Kaku replied bluntly. "...In the best case scenario, someone will care for them. Worst case scenario, they'll wander off and die in some alley, or on the road."
...Fidgeting her gaze around unevenly, Vanilla sighed. "I- I can't believe I-... I didn't want to-"
Smiling upon her, Kaku drifts out of the counter and sits on it, which is a kind of weird transition. "Of course, there is a third option."
Blinking, Vanilla rubs her eyes a little. "...Really?"
"Indee~d." Tilting herself, Kaku's smile becomes warmer. "However… you will have to revoke that 'no killing' stance."
These words make the little vampire double take-
"But, do not fret!" Shaking her finger, Kaku brings it to her lips. "They will be fine. Overjoyed, even. This release will give them profound pleasure, and escape from our worldly toils. There is no greater service, and in most cases it should remain a reservation, not a… throwaway process, or seen as something non-committal. However… I believe in this instance, their time has come."
...Vanilla furrowed her brows. "So- so it will help them…?"
The probable necromancer's eyes glaze over. "Yes, it will undo what makes them sad, and etcetera. It's almost magical. Well, it is magical."
...Drifting off the counter, Kaku lands on her black shoes, and begins stepping off. "Follow me, young one. Tonight, we are going to operate. There is no better time than the present, and tonight is just right."
That navy-haired woman got up from one of the tables in the background. "Ka- Master Kaku-"
"Come with me." The woman requested her sidekick. "You are to help us. You will get much needed bodily experience, which I know you are direly lacking."
...Perhaps I should oversee this.
As they head out the front door, I move to follow.
"Hu~h." Kotohime finishes off her sandwich… "Mmm. Here I thought she only did that kinda thing with me."
"...Disgusting." The ice queen says this, but hasn't changed her facial expression once.
Snorting, Kotohime turns to her bluntly. "Hey. Don't knock it 'till ya try it, ice babe."
...The yuki-onna just slowly pans her glower to her. "Not you. Although, you too are disgusting."
/ / / / AMATEUR SURGEON / / / /
We took the guards behind Small Packages. Here, Kaku found some plywood, and stacked them together to make two operating tables.
Eyes wide, hands over her mouth and seemingly stuck there, Vanilla resists crying and fails miserably.
"Everything seems to be okay enough in this one, with a little sterilization." Kaku herself was mysteriously clean, although the implements she had used were dyed red. "Since it's only been a week of rough handling, only bacterial infections are present. Since the brain has shut down, this should be a non-issue."
Flap. She flipped the guard's torso flesh back into place with her hand, before taking a needle from the air nearby her. "...Ah."
She looks over at her assistant lady. "Would you care to test your sewing capabilities? This man's flesh is thick, so it should be an easy amateur practice."
"...Su- sure." The woman seems quite skeptical, but experimentive. She seems to have tied her long navy hair into a huge ponytail for the occasion, with a big skull-styled hair clip.
...While the woman goes to sealing up that guard, Kaku turns back to us.
"...I'm pretty sure you killed him." I point to the guard she cut open.
"Yes." She nodded, smiling at us. "The recently deceased are the best fit for this treatment. Always know when those around you are going to die. It will do you well in life." Under what circumstances, even.
Drifting from us, she gestures her arm to him as she circles the two operating boards. "With some proper care, a recently deceased body makes for an amazing companion and assistant. Why, it even retains some of the regenerative capabilities as it did while living, for a short period. The magic involved is largely soul-based, but when they've only so recently died, it isn't difficult for the magic to make… the majority of the body believe it is once again functional."
Turning away from the subjects, she stops again before us. "Of course, this all breaks down eventually. It's as close to revival as you can get without faith."
This all seems too generous. "Why are you teaching us?" You'd think it would not be in her best interest to literally hold college seminars on necromancy.
She gives me a smirk. "I've grown bored, I guess. And, well, you're simply here to chapparone this young vampire. Knowledge of the necromantic arts will do her well. You? Unlikely. But it won't hurt..."
...She lets out a breath. "Fuu~. I seem to be losing my breath, with how much I've spoken just now. How rare…"
Pausing, she digs into her dress, and-... huh. She seems to have drawn one of those very retro smoking stick things. It's a rather fancily styled cigarette holder, made in the same style as her hair stick.
Fwip. She lights a fire on her thumb to ignite the pre-prepared cigarette, before putting it out by simply waving it about.
"You run out of breath, so you start smoking." I criticize her logic.
...Turning to me, she gives me a smirk and a shrug, before returning to surveying her intern's progress.
...Yes, Vanilla is still horrified. "Mi- miss…"
"Hmm?" This earns her a glance from Kaku.
Vanilla rubs her eyes, shedding tears. "Wh- why did you do this, to them…?"
...She smiles, briefly holding her cigarette stick away from her face. "This is a kinder fate than you could have given them. I'm doing you a favor, that's all. Think nothing of it, little vampire. You will see."
It's quite an evening. Even if it is cold as shit out here. There's nice stars in the sky.
…
fwoo. Kaku blows out a gentle waft of smoke from her mouth. "...Besides. I'd think it remiss if a creature of the undead such as yourself didn't know at least the basics of necromancy."
I just noticed, but that navy-haired girl is wearing black gloves for the occasion. Kaku's phasing powers probably prevent herself from getting bloody.
Finished sewing up the corpse, the intern looks up at her boss. "Master Kaku…"
fwoo. Letting out another puff of smoke, Kaku transitioned from reclining in the air to looking over the body. "Very good, girl. Now…"
She slips a black talisman from a band tied around her thigh. "Here we are. This is what does the magic."
Slapping the talisman down perfectly flat on the counter, she took a brush from her other thigh, ink seemingly flowing down onto it from nowhere. "Using one's own spiritual energy, it binds the soul to the body, and powers it through interfaith and their own mana saturation."
She begins writing moon runes onto the talisman. "It's as easy as writing instructions… once you know how to produce the paper, of course. Faith and soul manipulating are very inflexible, only bending with just the right pokes. However, they are lenient ju~st enough, that… one may do some interesting things with them."
...After brush strokes both thick and precise, she blows onto it, some of the cigar smoke coming with. "Fwoo."
Fwish. The ink glows for a moment, before calming down.
...She smiles at us, her cigar floating into the air so she can keep both hands on the talisman. "Blowing on it isn't normally recommended, as you'd get the ink everywhere. I simply cast a spell to finalize and dry it faster."
Fwap. She slaps the ofuda onto the dead man's face. "It has three simple instructions. Stand perfectly still at the left of the front door to Small Packages during the day, and remain in tight proximity at evening. Tell people to 'go on in' if they speak to it. Finally, it will rush to defend the little vampire in a moment of mortal need."
…
So. "When does the 'come back to life' part start-"
"Nngh…"
The guard sits up, his short hair unkempt after everything, and a line down his chest where he was crudely sewn up. You'd think such a flap would be loose and bloody, yet it was tight, due to the cauterizing and stitching practice exercised.
"Right now." Kaku smiles at us, then at him.
Fwish. A green circle generates before her palm as she holds it up. "Clothes."
Stiffly, he begins moving his limbs, throwing himself off the table and engaging himself to put on his shirt and armor again.
...She looks over at us. "Normally, you'd need to clothe them. This command magic of mine wouldn't work again, even if you all knew it. Rigor mortis." Ah.
I should probably add that their pants were changed in advance. Kaku probably cleaned the disasters with a few simple spells. She didn't dig around in their lower body or legs any.
"...Wow." Vanilla stares at the mobile man again. "...But, he's… still dead."
Kaku snorts. "So you are absorbing this. However, can you sense his soul?"
...At the question, Vanilla just looks displaced. Kaku senses this. "Perhaps not yet. You are still very young, indeed. Keep this in mind. I know you will."
…
"Um…" The curvy navy-haired woman pokes her fingers together. "Master Kaku… should we get started on-"
"In due time, in due time." Kaku waves her off. "The night is still young, and the air is nice. You've got a sweater on."
"...Well, yeah." She looks down at her sweater in response.
…
/ / / / THE VERY NEXT NANOSECOND / / / /
We stand at the front of the bar. Kaku had finished the next procedure in relative silence compared to the yammering she did to us beforehand.
The results were these two slap-shod undead, with obvious seals on their faces.
"You kno~w…" Also, they weren't really specified to be quiet, so they're just kind of… talking. "My family left me~... when I was thirtee~n…"
"Who're yo~u…?" This is the tenth time they've had this exchange.
"...Oh. He~y. My na~me's… Tetsui." The leftmost one reintroduces himself.
"O~h. Hey, ma~n…" The rightmost one leans to the side… "Ryu~ Aonuma~... tha- that's what they call me..."
...I turn to Kaku, who is giving us a wide smile. "...I'd recommend you pick them up some face-covering helmets, perhaps. Certain individuals won't take kindly to jiangshi ofuda, surely."
"So…" With all of this said, she presses her hands together. "Did everyone learn a lot?"
"Yes, Master Kaku." The navy-haired girl almost bowed, before settling for a nod- and then, upon reconsideration, actually bowing.
"I guess…" Vanilla had her head tilted. "...Tha- thank you, I think."
"My, my…" Kaku's smile deepend at the praise. "I'll likely come back around when your corpses need cheer. Or, in layman's terms, fixing. While they wont rot quite as fast with the simple preparations I've made, they will rot."
"Um… okay." Vanilla waved at her as she floated off into the evening. "Bye…"
...Abruptly, Kaku's form swept itself into an adjacent alley-
fwish. Her disciple of sorts vanished into black, which seeped into the floor for only a moment, and then was gone.
Very quickly, we head back inside, because it is cold, and late.
"Huaa~..." Vanilla immediately yawns. "Le- let's… just go to bed, now. I don't think anyone else is coming…"
Mmm.
...While she returns upstairs, I set the 'closed' sign up, and place buckets over the now-jiangshi's heads. Still weird? Yes. Will it attract heroine attention? Maybe not.
With everything said and done, I near the plywood ramp, and pan my gaze around. We still need a carpenter.
...Even so, today was full.
I turn around-
Oh. I'm pulled up to the other floor by tendrils. I'm being abducted. Help.
/ / / / FREAKIN HAKUGYOKUROU / / / /
END OF CHAPTER 79.5
PROTAGONIST: Matthew, the Debatably Sane Outsider, Lord of Edges, Scissor-Slinging Slasher, Insurance Fraud Expert, Used Goods Reseller, Evil Spirit Cultivator, Shrine Maiden Evader, Professional Youkai Developer, Legitimate Business Man
=o=
SKILLS:
Gravity - Basic space magic. Slowly expands a dark, spherical field from above the target, which weighs them down when fully initialized. Only works on the feeble at the moment.
Saw Blade - Advanced non-elemental attack. Summons a saw blade to fall from directly above the caster, which whirls forth into infinity before dying. Very effective slicing on those not resistant to it.
=o=
PRIMARY WEAPON: Dash Scissors - Succubus training tool. Doubles as scissors for kinky, cloth-cutting occasions. Or stabbing. Sleek, black design.
SKILLS:
Succubatic Slide Dodge - Slide artificially in a horizontal direction of the wielder's choosing. Spammable, but makes the wielder tired with excessive use.
=o=
OFFHAND ITEMS: [A Single Rubber Glove] - For those moments one needs to touch a live power wire with one hand and fap with the other. Protects hand from zaps.
INVENTORY:
[Bag of Holding] - Takes up no inventory space, because it is the inventory space. Has nine slots, and is easily accessible.
Steel Scissors - Sharp, shiny, and to the point!
Quick Scissorang - Non-elemental scissors that are enchanted to return to the owner with ferocity. Not that powerful of a weapon, but combined with strong string it can be used like a powerful grappling hook. Looks like it belongs in a Barbie catalog.
Shadow Hell Scissors - Red scissors accented with elemental gems. Fire elemental weapon. Ignites with every swing. Boosts power of fire spells.
SKILLS:
Fire Aura - Confers forty percent fire resistance when equipped.
Fire - Small, homing fireball of doom. May ignite foes. Doesn't do much damage.
Fira - Sizable fireball with less effective homing and speed, but greater ignite chance and initial fire damage.
Dark Fire - Basic dark and fire combo spell. Very slow, tight homing black fireball. Does both dark and fire damage. May ignite foes.
Dark Fira - Moderate dark and fire combo spell. Even slower black fireball, with even weirder homing. May ignite foes. May reduce target's magic defense.
Hellfire - Low-tier vampiric fire spell; less effective when used by me. Vertical wall of three fireballs, with no homing. May ignite foes.
=o=
Blessed Steel Scissors - Stained lightly with dried blood from a young human female. Sharp, shiny-ish, and to the point! Also blessed...
Steel-alloy String - An experimental item provided by Alice as part of her testing. She uses these herself to manage her dolls, or so I'm told.
A Tuft of Cloth Strings - Pink, regular cotton string. It's soft, and clean.
Danger Scissors Plus - Let's get dangerous. Randomly spawns anything from anywhere at any time at all, dependent on the power of the party or people around it while it is equipped.
(one more space remaining)
[Backpack] - Allows extended inventory, of twenty slots. Can hold larger items, but it takes longer to pull them out. Items inside are safer. It's also baby barf green.
Hedge Cutters - Rusty lawn pruning tool used by farmers to keep the vile hedges at bay. They're also sharp, so they've probably been used more than once in self-defense.
Teal Stone - Cool and refreshing to hold, exuding power of the wind. It's sort of shiny, too. Perhaps usable as a reagent.
Hackjob Rifle - A pseudo-railgun, made from an AK-47 barrel and a mangled toy gun. Laced with duct tape and wires to function, powered by electrical scissors, and uses small iron pellets as ammunition. Explodes violently if fed anything non-iron as ammo. Outside is coated with vegetable oil and must be wetted regularly to avoid violence upon powering up. Quite powerful.
Water Scissors - Scissors that continuously produce water. How troublesome.
Goldfish Snack Crackers - They're smiling. They might make a good snack...
Modern-ish Surge Protector - Protects against surges. Not very useful without unified electrical practices in housing. Can still be used as a paperweight and a brick, though.
[Rubber Pouch] - Stores electrical objects safely. Too small to add extra inventory, but doesn't take up any space when it's filled. Currently holding electric scissors.
Electrical Scissors - Must be held by gloves at all times, lest they cause electrical fires. Can cause severe shocking and electricity-induced stunning in individuals susceptible, including myself if I'm stupid. Unable to be turned off.
Holy Pot - A torso-sized holy pot used as a vehicle by flufflekind. Has holy properties and resistances for obvious reasons.
Financial Officer's Card - A card handed to me by the chief financial officer of the human village. Bears a complex triangular insignia and shines depending on the angle you hold it. Has some Japanese printed on it.
(eleven more spaces remaining)
==o==
PARTY:
Shikome, the Black Scion of the Saigyou
WEAPON: Dark Tendrils - Able to create tendrils from any part of her body, she can use them for powerful dark/physical attacks.
SKILLS:
You know, I really don't know. Tendrils, thrusting attacks.
INVENTORY:
[Defiled Kimono] - Coated in the coagulated blood of numerous unlucky people. Grants pockets.
(two inventory spaces remaining)
==o==
Rumia, Youkai of the Dusk
WEAPON: Unarmed.
SKILLS:
Spell Cards - Rumia has a variety of spell cards, like most named touhous.
Dark Biosphere: Sealed - Coats the user in a dark orb, blinding them. Works best when it's already dark out.
Darkness Affinity - Rumia is naturally one hundred percent darkness and cursing resistant. In turn, she's fifty percent weak to holy and weakening.
INVENTORY:
[Rumia's Outfit] - Some kind of outfit. I'm not sure how Rumia maintains it. Properties unknown. Grants pockets.
Red Ribbon - It's a ribbon in her hair. It's small, too. Takes up no inventory space. Properties unknown.
(two inventory spaces remaining)
==o==
Vanilla, the Loli Vampire
WEAPON: Unarmed.
SKILLS:
Hypnosis - She can hypnotise people, apparently.
INVENTORY:
[Cloak] - A dull black cloak. No inventory space, but takes up none when worn.
(no inventory space)
==o==
Isami, the Twin-Tailed Demon Trap
WEAPON: Unarmed?
INVENTORY:
School Girl Clothing - Fetish outfit, probably.
Things - Good question.
(one space remaining)
==o==
Thalli, the Long-Haired Demon Trap
WEAPON: Unarmed?
INVENTORY:
Pink and White Dress - It's a rather feminine dress.
Things - I don't know.
(two spaces remaining)
==o==
ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:
matt chapter
it was pretty fun - w -
OH BOY YO ECONOMIC POLITICS, will the religious leaders be successful in being religious or will their religious religiousness be ignored
also we played some music
songs in order:
Unidentified Lyricless Song One - me
Unidentified Lyricless Song Two - also me
Ain't That A Kick In The Head - Dean Martin
Butcher Pete - Roy Brown
"Die! Die! Die!" Reaper Song - DAGames
Careless Whisper - George Michael
Rapper's Delight - The Sugarhill Gang
Frontier Psychiatrist - The Avalanches
Unidentified Lyricless Song Three - a fluff stuff
george michael sounds like a name i'd make up and everyone'd go "oh how punny that's a super generic name" but that's a real person dude
also seiga jiangshi-ifying the guardfolk, completely of her own good will dude
oh yeah the matt ahegao scene- i was originally going to skip that because matt's not known to be terribly expressive in his thoughts, but y'know this was a good place for him to be both uncharacteristically panicked and also euphorized outta his mind
it's iffy moments like those you should really go "ALRIGHT MAN IT'S TIME TO GO ALL IN DUDE" and then you can study the aftermath and whether or not it was actually fine or incredibly cringe- y'see that's what it means to take creative chances, yo
i've never tried kotohime's sandwich so someone please tell me if it's more than a delicious, tasty crunch
as always, see you all next time!
CO-AUTHOR'S NOTE:
making this note like a year later, but i gotta say
hey, that's pretty good.
it's a start of something wonderful, that's for sure, even if it is a little bit at a time. i'm just unsure about one thing and that's if the rape/molestation was overdone or not. we're kinda doubling down on a few themes here, so a thing or two may seem a bit… overbearing.
expect more organized chaos in the future, ya
bye. see you later. don't go into a back alley and get molested.
