(in which we have some buttermilk crispy tendies)

The clinic always has this sort of late night aesthetic to it; and if not that, it's dim and cozy, despite being kinda big on the outside…

"Ah…" Maria stares up at the tall, multi-floor front face of the clinic! "It's… bigger than I expected."

"Hanh." Our rabbit chucklefuck let out a brief fuckchuckle at that. "I hear tha' a lot…"

"I suggest we have rabbit for dinner." Genkan wants to broil his ass…!

"Yeah, dude." We are now at the clinic, so he's served his purpose!

...It's not too dim at the moment, but it's darker than it should be at sunhigh. This freakin' bamboo…!

I wonder how Eientei makes electricity. I bet Eirin made one of those bullshit generators that just makes electricity out of more electricity or some shit.

"Watch this…" Rabbit guy boy steps up onto the front pads before the sliding glass doors-

They slide open, dude.

"Woa~h…" Agape at the spectacle, Maria's eyes light up! "I didn't even sense the magic for that…" Ahaha~...!

"Me… either." Genkan's brows were raised! Drifting up to the dim space between the first sliding door and the next, she gazes at the doors curiously… "That's impressive."

Impressive, huh. "Aw, sliding glass doors." The good ol'... sad, dim freakin' welcome room between the two doorways. It's a fun place, dude…

"...Why're'n't ya impressed?" The bunny boy speaks to me, for some reason! Also, why're'n't, dude. That's, like… three apostrophes.

I face 'em as we progress into the big hospital of doom. "Every corner store on the outside has these doors…!"

"Oh…?" Upon drifting inside, Genkan sights Reisen up ahead. "I thought you said magic wasn't as prevalent…"

She glances back at me, and I grin at 'er! "It's not, yo. This ain't magic, yo. It's technology!"

"Technology…" Idly, she echoes me as we approach the front desk…

"Tell me more!" What's with this rabbit guy.

I look down at 'em! "Y'know- how old are you?" It's not rude to ask a guy, son! No one cares about dudes…!

"Hundred an' two." Woah, what the fuck. You're older than my dad and me combined. "How 'bout you, man?"

Oh, shit, at the time this fanfic started, da~h… "Eighteen!" Took me a moment! Just barely legal, son.

"Wa~h…" He gapes at me! "You're awful young ta be walkin' 'round these parts, boy."

Who are you. "Freakin'- and who're you…!?" I even ask as much…!

This front lobby's actually gotten pretty nostalgic for me. It's sort of refreshing to see dim, mass-produced urban stuff once in awhile to remind myself that it exists. I haven't actually fully registered the fact that I probably won't be seeing anything like a big outside building ever again, aside from freakin'... Golden Grin. I'm sure Eientei's more than big enough to make up for it, though…!

We reach Reisen's desk! She's just kind of giving us a bored stare

"Naoto." Rabbit boy- or Naoto- adjusts his hat, like a stylish rabbit. "How 'bout your name?"

We came here for a reason, and that reason wasn't this boy!

Ignoring him, I look up at Reisen!

...She blinks at me. "...Hey-"

"Whe~re's the Eirin, ma~n…?" It is time to make all the requests!

...Reisen just blinks at me. "Why?"

I need some buttermilk crispy tendies. "I gave 'er a robot thing not too long ago, and she asked me ta come back 'n' see it." I shall dismantle you with my factual knowledge! "So now I wants ta see it…! S'been a few days, I think." Or a week…!

"...I suppose I can phone you in." Aw. I didn't have to throw crusty pillows at Reisen, dude.

...While the good rabbit steps to the back 'a the room, Genkan turns to me, speaking quietly. "You can just… get phoned in to speak with doctor Yagokoro…?"

"Ye." I'm not nearly as quiet! "Apparently ya need a reason. But, if you're annoying enough, I'd imagine you'd get through anyway…!"

"It's not quite supposed to work that wa~y…" Reisen calls back to us lazily. "...It ends up like that anyway, though."

...Genkan snorts, after a short delay…!

"Robot thing?" Alright, this rabbit guy needs to freakin'...! "Whah robot thing?"

"The good one." Aa~h, aaa~h! "Son- why're you still with us." I just called a guy eighty years older than me 'son'.

...He shrugs. "Ah. Eh. Boredom?"

...The bad part is that's not even a bad excuse. I use it all the time!

"Hey…" Reisen's just now phoning us in. "Hey, Brad's here and- oh. Alright…"

Click. She hangs it up! "Down the right hall, take your first left, and keep going straight." Ooo~. Directions!

"Thanks, yo!" I give her a wave, and begin moving!

The tile hall to the right is nice and wide. There's nothing big happening here… as usual. These halls are always dead, for some reason.

"This place is big…" Maria restates the obvious!

"It seems bigger on the inside." Genkan states the less-obvious-but-still-obvious…

"No, it's not." I deny these facts. Fake news, dude. "It's tiny, dude. The tiniest. There couldn't be tinier."

...Genkan gives me a flat stare…! "You're bored."

"Yeah." Hallways forever, dude! Hnn~gh!

"Hey, man." What the fuck…

Why is this boy like right next to my leg. "Why don' we li'... sing a song, perhaps?"

Krusty Krab pizza, is the pizza, for you and me. "...Y'know-"

"That's a terrible idea." Genkan shuts us down!

"Hey- lay off!" What was his name, Naoto? Yeah, Naoto. Naoto's prickly to Genkan's usual disposition "Let's see you suggest somethin', then!"

...Oo~h!

Genkan looks ahead. "...Well. I've taken up the habit of immersing myself in the visuals of my surroundings. Gensokyo has many sights to offer… and these interiors-"

"Bo~ring!" The rabbit guy yells out!

"I will make you disappear." Hoh, shit! Pushed a button, he did…!

"If I wanted ta stare at walls, I'd've gone ta 'a… wall convention!" Wha- ah…?

"I don't… think those exist." Maria glances back for the first time since we entered this long hall…! We're still walking, by the way. Hang in there, baby!

Foldin' his arms, Naoto looks away. "Fuckin'..."

After I look at everyone... "What if we sang a song about the walls?" I have ushered forth the great compromise.

...Genkan's skeptical! "How even."

"Would it- would it go som'n like…" The boy starts to get ready to sing. What the fuck-

"The wa~lls!" Oh my god, he's really doing it. "...Are… greyish! Shit…" And, he lost it.

"That does not remind me of singing." Genkan beats 'em up, dude…!

"...Well." Yeah, oof. You lost, son. "Let's see you try." That is actually a great idea.

I stare at Genkan, who's just looking ahead! Then, she looks at me.

...I roll my hands towards her!

She blinks.

Roll both hands, and I like- I open my mouth, and- ongh, yo!

...She still don't get it. Freakin'!

I place a hand on my chest, hold out an arm, and prete~nd to sing…! Without the lyrics!

...She blinks a few more times! "Are you in discomfort?" Aa~h, aa~h!

Pat, pat. The short rabbit guy patted my ass. "You okay, man?"

...I just slowly turn to him. "Son."

"...What, you wan' me ta call ya papa?" He grins up at me! "Tha's usually what people call me!"

I gesture to his ass hand. "Why, son."

"Checkin' to make sure if ya were okay?" He tilts his head…!

"My ass is okay, son." Take my word for it!

As we traveled along, the hallway shifted from sterile blue tiles and pasty walls to the wood floor and paper walls-with-wooden-beams I'm familiar with. This place is a freakin' disaster of conflicting interiors…!

...His hand lingers on my ass. You know what…

I let my arms ragdoll. "Are you gay, son."

"Alright, what…?" Maria looks back at us, befuddled!

"I take it you're not?" He smiles up at me. "I mean…"

Oh- woah. His hand squeezes my ass.

...I just give him the befuddledest of befuddled expressions.

"S'that a no?" ...He looks away for a moment! "Fuckin', don't just leave me hangin'...!"

"That's a no…!" Freakin'-

I remove his hand from my ass! "I am not into gay rabbits!" Eirin's puttin' somethin' in the water, son! It's even turning the rabbits gay…!

...Naoto just shakes his head. "Damn. That's a bloody bummer. Fucking… why're you even wearing a kimono? Y'not brave enough to be proper gay or whah?"

"I did not think I was trying…!" This freakin' rabbit! "But in case you were confused son, no, I was not soliciting you…!"

Rolling his eyes, he defers from us. "Alright, fuck it. Later."

Within a moment, he flips around on a dime and jogs off into the opposite direction, not even looking back.

"...Well." Genkan just looks smug. "I must admit, I am curious about the kimono." Aa~h!

"I didn't even think about it…" Maria is thankfully untainted. Hoh… "His kimono's so weird, it doesn't really strike me as girly."

"...It is weird enough to be gender neutral." Genkan relents… "That doesn't mean I'm not curious about it."

They're bamboozling me, dude. Actually- let's see… "I got the base model of it made by monks… in the great Himalayas, dude!"

"I assume you mean the buddhists." The joke goes right over Genkan's head…! "That makes sense."

Woo. "Yeah, yo. When I got it, it used to be a photocopy of an actual yuki-onna kimono."

"That makes less sense." Genkan's stare becomes a degree more jaded… "Why would they not make you a male kimono?"

I never thought about that. Byakure~n…

Was me going around crossdressed as a not-Kaguya yuki-onna all part of Byakuren's crossdressing femboy fantasies…!? Aaa~h!

At my befuddlement, Genkan snorts and raises her brows!

"That's… hmm." Maria wants to know, too!

"I think that's a story for anotha' day…!" We'll go over how Byakuren is a sexual predator later. "Aw, dude…"

Pulling out my Kaguya wig, I throw it over my hair! "Yo ho ho! I had this on with the kimono!"

As she began to stare ahead at the endless hallway, Genkan commented. "...Hana drew that from your bag earlier. I figured you'd used it for something."

...I step up next to Maria. She looks over at me, then doubletakes! "Why~..."

Hohoho! Aw…

...Oh, hey. It's that one sliding door from when I came here for that lunar bumfuck mission. About fuckin' time!

Stowing away my wig, I step up to the door-

Fwhip! It zips open!

"Aa~h…" Maria likes that, dude.

...I step back-

Fwhip. It's closed now, dude.

Forward-

Fwhip! Ye~s, dude…!

Back-

Fwhip.

Forward-

Fwhip!

Back-

Fwhip. Wahaha!

Fwhip! Ohp. Genkan floated into its range, and it opened! "As impressive as this is, we'd best not destroy it, in all of our youthful curiosity." Destroy it, yo…!? You overestimate me!

...Once my friends an' me navigate inside, I gaze about the sleek tiles of this freakin' hexagonal hallway again.

"What… is this?" Genkan peers about the hall, taking it in! "Where are we?"

"In the clinic." I give her a warm nod…

...She huffs. "Excellent. To clarify, where in the clinic is this?"

"It's the super division, dude." I don't know myself! "This seems to be where they shove irrelevant testing tech, and stuff that they don't want people to see." Aw- wait! It's the BFG division dude…!

"...And, for some reason, they let you see." Drifting ahead, Genkan gives me a lingering dry stare.

Well, you see, the context is like twenty chapters ago…! "Yeah, yo. I've pestered them enough to get in on their backer rewards for December." No one will get this, ever. I don't think 's even a big thing yet.

"...Right." Genkan goes along with it, anyway! "Do you know where to take us, from here?"

Oh, yeah. I think it's three sliding doors of doom up…

Wait, that first door used to just be a big lug door, not a slidey door. Did they change it? Ah, whatever.

...Out of curiosity, I get close to one of the wrong doors!

It refuses to go 'fwhip', staying locked. Well, I guess if I didn't know which one was right, we'd be able to just trial and error it…

Stepping up ahead-

Fwhip! Getting remotely near the correct door opens it! "In here, yo." Ho ho…

"How are you doing that…?" Maria wants to know! "You're not even… doing anything to do it."

...I grin at 'er! "You're right, yo. I'm not doin' nothin'! They just open!"

...Like last time, this room is dim and full of gloomy, faint lights and navy tints. Unlit white tiles appear grey on the floor beneath us as we progress into the big room of test things.

Floating in the middle is that medical droid 'a mine, yo! Eirin didn't break her down into spare parts after all!

Seikatsu, the ro-bow. Robot, commando~! Well, maybe not, but she's floaty and stuff. Also, she has limbs! Still floating, but has limbs!

"...Greetings." Eirin steps up to us! "I'd figured you would be lost longer than that. It's almost ready for a test run."

A test run, huh…? "I probably woulda gotten lost, but a gay rabbit made sure my ass was okay, so I didn't."

...Eirin just gives me a glance, before moving back towards her panel along the room's sidewall! "I… see."

Pausing for a moment, she runs her gaze over my party. "...Also, I didn't expect your… company."

Insert Sora Donald and Goofy joke here. "We're looking for the king, dude. And the door to the light, yo…!" A-hyuck!

...Eirin raises a brow at me. "I don't think there is something so simple." Woah. Did she just diss Kingdom Hearts without knowing what it was…!? Ho ho!

Suddenly, intercom fuzz! "That game was stupid." Yo~...!

...On the wall next to Eirin, I sight a radio-esque panel thing!

"Don't mind her." Eirin waves the princess's voice off. "She's been bored, today."

I jog up to the panel! "Yo, Kaguya! Look out for the darkness! The dark, dark, darky darky dark-"

Fzzt. Radio silence…

...I look back at the friends! "They got her, dude!" She's a Xehanort now!

Stepping away from the panel, Eirin takes a once-over of Seikatsu's form from afar…

"Wha-..." Maria's trying to speak, dude. "...What's… all of this?" She's kinda taken aback by how hi-tech this room is…!

...Eirin blinks at 'er, yo.

...Then, after a moment, she has her answer! "Nothing you need concern yourself with. I say this not out of formality, but because to properly explain most of this technology would require… more time than either of us have, I'm sure."

In the back of the room is cryo-tubes, there's the weird machinery all around Seikatsu- like a dome platform thing, there's the console and the radio control thing…

Let me identify the things, dude. I point at the cryo-tubes! "...Those hold, uh, things." Armor, people? Who knows, yo! Next is the console… "That manages… programs and stuff!" Then the radio bit! "That's for talking…" And, now, the dome platform. "That's the dawn machine, dude."

...Maria blinks. "Dawn… machine?"

"Programs…" Genkan gazes at me. "Such as… schedules? Or perhaps magic allocation?"

Schedules. Wha- well, technically. "...Something like that, yeah! It's more like, aa~h..."

"Aa~h." Genkan echoes…! "I know exactly what you mean now."

Freakin'...! "It's like tricking rocks into thinking, with electricity, and bunch of tiny minerals and wires arranged in ultimately tiny, intricate ways."

Looking ahead at the floating robot, Genkan takes this in. "That sounds… complicated." It really is...!

...Oh, hello Eirin. You've approached me while I wasn't looking! "Your explanation was about ten percent accurate." Woohoo! "On that note…"

Click, click, click.

Yo! Seikatsu walked up to us! 'Cause limbs! Except, she's walking on her gravity thruster boots, which looks like it'd fuck her balance up, but apparently not. Wait- are those boots? Oh. She doesn't have feet, she just has freakin' gravity thrusters.

Also, they're not even on, which was why I heard her approach.

...I point at her. "She supposed to have feet?"

"Not particularly." Eirin decided. Oh. "Normally, she'd always be in all-terrain mode. However, she can quickly traverse flat flooring with the correct augments. At the moment, however…" She gestures to the awkward-looking peg legs. "I'm sure it's self-evident."

Yeah. On the upside, Seikatsu has actual arms and hands, now. They're just kind of rigidly at her sides, like when you just insert a model into MikuMikuDance. In other words, T-pose! Fingers extended, too. She's handy, yo.

...I think I'll go over her appearance, 'cause yeah. S'been awhile. Seikatsu's entire body is fleshy, now- barring the thrusters, making her look naked. Except, she doesn't have tits or a clit, just a small 'chest' and a generic crotch.

Long, brown hair still! Also, empty, luminescent white eyes.

"Seikatsu model U V two, version two." Eirin announced! "...For lack of more proper instancing. She seems to have originally hailed from a different plane of existence." Oh. How.

"What…" Stepping up to her, Genkan's brows are furrowed. "What is she? I can't sense anything but holy energy..."

"She's a machine." Eirin summarized. "...Let me make it clear: there is no life to be found in her. At the same time, she had a rather complicated memory bank, which I'll likely crack away at in my free time, perhaps."

You say that as if you have free time.

...Bringing a hand to her chin, she crouched down. "I may have to merge her feet with our gravity boot designs. That should be more intuitive. The main hurdle was making the legs operate in sync with the standard anti-gravity processors built within the original operating system. The difficulty lies in that the original coding was… rough, despite being written in a pseudo-lunar language; inflexible. Lowering the thrusters and changing their shape made the framework-... in layman's terms, it produced unexpected results based off of a predetermined… route, between the previous position and the core processor."

"You guys have gravity boots?" I paid attention for that much! Holy shit.

Standing up, she exhales. "Maybe. Who wants to know."

I pat my chest. "Me. I do…!"

...After a moment, she begins to circle Seikatsu again. "Go ask the princess. She'll retrieve you some, if she feels kind- and, considering her mood, she is." Oo~h.

"What was…" Maria really wants to know something…! "Wha- what's an 'operating system'...?"

...Eirin gives 'er a small smile! "You needn't worry about that, for now. Were I less busy, I might answer that question. If you really want to know the answer, ask around."

This response just leaves Maria displaced looking…!

...Eirin looks over at Seikatsu. "Seikatsu."

"Accepting input." Oh, hey, her voice isn't as jaring in regular as it normally is.

"Override." Eirin commands!

"B_H_U_V_two_V_two…" Oh. What. "Lunar engine. Say 'B, H, override' to return to the main directory." ...Eirin's a pinball wizard, dude…!

"B H test seven." Eirin… commands again! Ho ho!

...Seikatsu's eyes go dim for a moment, before flaring back up. "Seikatsu Kikai. Please be assured; this is only a test. If found outside of operating parameters, please return to manufacturer. Manufactured in Eientei. To begin operation, say 'Seikatsu'." Oo~h. She's a bit more streamlined, now, yo. Or maybe just user-friendly.

...With that, Eirin turned to us-

"Seikatsu." Yo ho ho, Seikatsu girl! I call out!

"Accepting input." She accepts my input!

"Help…!" We need all the help! Aa~h, aa~h!

"Please be aware. This list is incomplete." Yo. I don't remember this! "Say 'register… name…' to index a patient for reference. Say 'follow… name…' to bind my performance to a specific indexed patient. Say 'free roam all' for me to heal all entities within radius. Please note, in this test build, I am not able to leave a radius of the first indexed patient."

Holy shit, she's still goin'. "Say 'scan… direction…' for me to scan in a certain direction for non-indexed lifeforms, and print their status. Please note this command works for registered entities by calling their name instead of a direction. For more information, please refer to the operations manual, or contact your manufacturer."

...She's quiet now. Hoh.

"This is surreal." Genkan's taking in the reality of a programmable 'person'...!

Eirin took a step back. "Register Brad."

Seikatu's eyes lit up green! And then-

Vrrr~. Seamlessly, the stomach folded open, a chunky machine folding out where the plating beneath the flesh parted. The seams on the flesh look weirdly satisfying and smooth…

"Unlike before, seldom will she insert things into you or down your throat unless you really need it, such as for greater, more apt drug administration or poison control." Eirin reveals! "For instance…" She gestures forward-

"Please insert index finger." Seikatsu requests!

Vrr. A tiny cylinder is jutted out from the parts smooth and parts jagged mechanical mess inside. It's black, cone-like on one end, but has a slot in the very midst for my finger.

...Almost reluctantly, I slide my finger on in-

Click. ...Quickly, it locks my finger in place. Slowly, the pressure increases, until I can't so much as feel it.

Click. Fff~, ow~! It pricked my finger…! I sure as hell felt that!

Clank. The slot expands so my finger can exit real easy. As I draw it back, I can see the skin very rapidly regenerate back over the gaping, diamond-shaped puncture wound that was made in it.

"Patient 'Brad' indexed." She recorded Eirin's voice saying that…! "Please wait. Processing…"

Cla- cla- clank. The machinery retracts entirely, the skin repositioning where it was, the seams closing nearly instantly.

"You'll have to do that with everyone you wish to register." Eirin annotates. "You can't delete anyone yet, without going in and doing it manually." I can't delete people from reality, son. What a shame, dude.

"Patient Brad processed." Oh, woah. Does she have my name recorded in her voice bank now, and not as a recorded sound byte? How's that work?

...My party members are kind of speechless at what they're watching! I'd imagine it's a pretty big culture shock…!

"Now that you're indexed, she should be able to return to you whenever she's separated, or called back for repair or maintenance." Eirin goes over her stuffs… "Which will be rather often, since she's still quite imperfect and there are still a number of oddities about her."

Stepping back, slippin' her arms behind her back, Eirin nods at me. "You may proceed to get lost now, and all that. Do try to get hurt, to test out her healing capacity." Break a leg, huh…!?

As I move for the door, she keeps going…! "Also, you can disable her healing capacity by type- saying her name, and then 'disable healing'. You can re-enable it this way, too."

Ah, yeah yo. Turn it into a hovering crate. "I will keep this in mind…!"

...Actually, before I march out the door, I think I'll see how scanning works.

"Seikatsu~." Hello, friend.

"Accepting input." But do you accept output.

"Scan Brad." You must scan… the Brad man!

...Seikatsu's eyes light up green-

Flick. A green, complex circle lights up under me, for a moment! After rotating around, it minimizes out of existence.

"Name: Brad-..." It mouths a second word, but doesn't say it. "Species: Human." This is good news.

"Offensive and defensive variables negligible." Say wat. "One hundred fifty percent ice resistant. Fifty percent freezing resistant. Fifty percent dark resistant. Negative fifty percent fire and burning resistant. Strategy: fire physical attacks." Now I know how to kill myself the easiest!

"Six feet tall. One hundred thirty pounds." I am as durable as a paper bag! "This patient is underweight. Eighteen years old." Aw. "This patient is malnourished." Yeah, that'd figure.

"The general strategy for human opponents is area-of-effect statuses, fire, and poison." Oh, good. Do you have strategies for fighting gods…?

"Recommended medicine for patient: food." The best medicine.

"Ah…" Maria looks over at me! "You're malnourished…?"

...I hold my arms out! "I never eat, yo. S'freakin', s'just how-"

"Is there somewhere to eat, around here?" Genkan's lookin' over at Eirin. "I'm peckish, myself."

"Yes." Imagine if she said no. "If you go back six doors or so, then continue down the right hall, down the left stairs and past the grey door, you'll find a fitting cafeteria." I'm never going to remember this…!

"Thank you." Genkan moves for the sliding door! I assume she remembers… "Let's go." Hoh… guess we're just gonna run off now!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

This hall is different from the others, too! It's huge, for some reason… although still made of wood beams. Way up ahead is some-... oh. I coulda swore I saw more hall. Instead, the FoV is just really low. Whatever it takes to get that sweet sixty frames, dude.

...I glance over at Genkan. The friends got registered into the matrix off-screen, because yeah. Maria yelped all cuddly like when her finger got pounded open and then healed immediately.

"...I don't think I'm actually that hungry." I mean, I could eat, but with how occupied I've been-

"You're eating food." Genkan declares…! "It's important to keep yourself in working order."

...Yeah, I suppose so, yo. I've always had a strange capacity to forget about bodily necessities when I'm having fun. Or, y'know, getting nearly killed, or some variant of extremely engaging activity.

"It was probably a medical opinion, too…" Maria considered the robot's words… "So we'd better listen."

"...This is true!" Yeah, it's not a big deal in this circumstance.

Aw. Speakin' of the robot's words… "Seikatsu!"

"Accepting input." Seikatsu's hovering along behind us! Oh, yeah- we gotta see Kaguya about a horse- I mean, gravity boots.

"Scan Maria!" Let us… evaluate her, yo!

"Wha- why…" Maria stares at Seikatsu-

Flick. The green circle appeared under Maria, rotating around, before minimizing into oblivion.

"Name: Maria Yamada." The battleship armada~...! Except, this isn't Kancolle…! "Species: Human." Ye.

"Five feet, six inches tall. One hundred sixty pounds." Maria's heavier than me. She's almost as thin as me, too! Also- she's really five foot six…? For some reason she feels shorter to me… "Sixteen years old." Hoh. "Patient is malnourished." Oh, you too…!?

"Slightly magic resistant. Seventy-five percent freezing resistant. Larger mana pool than the average human. One hundred percent freezing resistant. Negative fifty percent burning resistant. Strategy: fire physical attacks." That's pretty much going to be all of us, isn't it. Fire enemies would wreck us. Except, we might also wreck fire enemies!

"The general strategy for human opponents is area-of-effect statuses, fire, and poison." Yeah, we know that already…! "Recommended medicine for patient: food."

...

"It's… it's kinda weird how it gives strategies to fight us." Maria gives the floating robot girl a stare…

"Seikatsu." Genkan gets ready to issue a command!

"Accepting input." I'm running out of witticisms about this line…!

"Scan… Genkan." She seems to find it curious to speak her own name. I can relate!

Flick. Green circle! It's more like emerald, really. It does its spinny thing as usual, and then it kills itself. Oof.

"Name: Genkan. Two hundred eleven pounds. Five feet, ten inches tall. Sixty-two years old." Ooo. She's… younger than I expected, actually! I suppose two hundred pounds is right. She's freakin curvy, but I've seldom seen anyone actually tubby outside of some dudes in the human village. I wonder if youkai stuff has anything to do with it.

"Adequate temperature level." Oh? "Fear status: good. Positive bios; reminder- run diagnostic on additional variable indicators at later date. Heat status: good." Good, yo. Yuki-onna specific things, I think!

"Two hundred percent ice resistant. Freezing immune. Negative one hundred fire and burning resistant." Yeah, the good stats. "Strategy: mixed fire attacks. Additionally, fire element causes panic." We get it…! Kill us with fire!

"Yuki-onna are rare to provoke outside of frosty environments, especially not for combat. Status effects deter them unless they are truly angry. Fire invokes panic, so even superficially threatening them with it may be a deterrent. Seldom seen in groups. Drops cold essence on death. Uses powerful ice magic and attacks, typically exclusive from other elements."

...That was a like, detailed strategy on fighting yuki-onna. Humans don't get nearly the same amount of detail!

"Two hundred eleven pounds…?" Maria gives Genkan a curious smile! "You don't look fat, though. Even if your, um, boobs… are…"

...Genkan just kinda slowly looks over at her! "I'm not a human, if you've forgotten."

Furrowing her brows, she speaks again. "Seikatsu." Ooh?

"Accepting input." Input… denied!

"Scan Seikatsu." Oo~h. Genkan wit' the smart ideas…!

Flick. The gre- emerald circle lights up under Seikatsu herself!

"Name: Seikatsu Kikai." Oo~h. Let's see how hot shit you are…! "Undefined tall." Good height. She is… infinitely tall! "Six hundred thirty-three pounds. Three years old." Three years old…!? "Species: Seikatsu Kikai." Aw. So cool she gets her own freakin' species, dude.

"Status: good." ...Oh. That's good!

"Fifty percent holy resistant. Fifty percent bomb resistant. Immune to stagger and weakness. Immune to poison. Immune to tired. Immune to space statuses. Immune to silencing and syphoning. Immune to blindness. Immune to asphyxiation. Fifty percent weak to water. Fifty percent weak to electricity. Strategy: cursing, water and electric magic. Projectiles recommended." Well, aren't you a freakin' box 'a wonders? I'd hope a robot is immune to choking to death…!

...Oo~h. We're passing this big, grassy courtyard, dude. The hallway became this like… it's still a hall, but one wall is gone, letting us see the outside. By the way- this courtyard is bigger than the entire exterior of the clinic.

...It even has a sniper tower on the other end!

"Holy machines are difficult to fight, without the right equipment." For what reason is there a section on fighting holy robots. "Those weak to water and electricity are easy, but those only weak to bomb are hard. They're typically very hardy either way, as well. Focus on heavy attacks, and only use magic if it's water or thunder, depending on the model. Be wary of damaged-state exclusive or self-destructive attacks, or widespread area-of-effect attacks. Most importantly, be wary of bomb attacks, as few other species use this element. Becomes parts on death."

...Good.

I poke Seikatsu's tummy flesh. "You're tubby."

"Six hundred pounds." Genkan echoes. "We could drop her on someone."

"She's malnourished, dude." I poke Seikatsu's tummy flesh again. "We're all malnourished…!"

"...Except for me." Looking over at me, Genkan clarifies… "I couldn't say the same for certain sisters of mine. Typically, heat is not taken from humans consensually…"

Oh, yeah. "What'cha guys use heat for, anyway…?" Aren't they yuki-onna who freak out from fire and stuff? And warmth?

"Turned yuki-onna and newly born ones need it to survive." She begins explainin'... "Otherwise, it's an only very occasionally needed source of… sustenance, I suppose. Beyond that, it's essentially just something that feels good to have. We can go a few decades without a life or death deficiency just from one human's life force, but the empty feeling from even a year or two is typically too much for us."

Hoh. "How long's one human's stuff last?"

"A couple years." Ho ho! "You cannot quite stockpile it, either. Heavens know some of us have tried." That sounds like an experience…!

"What's heat, really…?" Maria asks a question as we move down the halls…!

And then- ooh. Genkan makes a sharp turn towards the stairs!

...Once we begin descending- in Genkan's case, floating- she speaks. "Actual body heat mixed with life force. For a time, I'd simply considered it soul energy, until recently."

On the second floor down- weren't we on the ground floor? Freakin- but we were up on a high walkway earlier. This place is fucking weird, dude. Anyway, we're almost to the cafeteria, I think!

"What made you realize it was just heat and… life?" Maria posed anotha' question!

...Genkan glances back at me! "Him."

I~ am now involved in the conversation! "Hoh. Me…!"

"Yes, you." She looks ahead again, leading us. "While your kimono prevents the generation of new body heat… or slows it rather, you still retained heat and energies whenever you unequipped and requipped it. When you wore it, I was able to drop your body temperature to freezing, and not only did you not realize, you didn't freeze. In fact, with your improved clothing, you make cold." Ooo~...!

"I'm an ice guy, dude." Wahaha!

...That was supposed to be a crappy pun on 'nice guy', but since we actually were talking about ice, no one even bat an eye! Actually, that's probably a good thing…!

Coming up to some grey double doors, Genkan just floats into them, holding her arms to push them open, since that's the kind they are-

Crea~k…! Ope~n sesame!

...Oh, wow. It's dead in here. There's a few lunar bunny girls at this tiny table to the left, and no one else. To the right, there's a big glass window-maybe-doorway thing, allowing us to see a very tiny courtyard, and a big brick wall. Cool view.

...There's a counter ahead, but no one's at it. Dude- maybe we can steal food!

As we approach it, however, I come to a grave realization, yo. How do you steal food… when there's no food left out to steal!?

"Where's the food, yo…!?" I look around for the food! And then-

Fvhip. A blue, holographic panel projects out of the otherwise shitty and grungy counter. As such, it takes me by surprise! "Hoh, shit…!"

...It's in moon runes. What is this…!?

Genkan slides up past me, looking it over… with apparently equal befuddlement. "What… on earth?"

"No, on the moon…!" It's a freakin' holographic menu thing! I may not be able to read the words, but I can read the yen signs, numbers, and the pictures of food.

I press the button with a chicken on it-

Fvhip. Oh. I killed the menu.

...Genkan just blinks. "...What did you do?"

"I dunno." Confusing technology is confusing…!

...Reaching forward, Genkan fiddles with the little port on the counter where the hologram came out of. "I can't detect any magical energy of note…"

"There's little things happening in the counter." Maria observed the magical bits with her mind...! "It's so weird..."

Cla- clack. Oo~h. Something's going bump in the afternoon!

I look down, only to realize the noise was coming from above-

Clack! The ceiling opens-

Di~ng! Oh.

Slowly, a fully cooked chicken lowers from the ceiling, before landing softly on the counter before us.

"Oh my go~d…" Maria's eyebrows raise…!

Fvhip. Oh, hold up…

The hologram came back up! It has the yen sign and numbers, in big bold font. Also, two options beneath it. This looks like a yes or no question…

Wait, there's one of those optional checkboxes, too. "Genkan, help. I'm an illiterate degenerate…!"

"Oh, right…" She snorts! "...Well, this is simply asking yes or no. This fine print says… if you would like to use your saved credit information."

My saved credit information. Yeah, okay. Well, I don't have a Capital Eirin Express card, so probably not. Wait…

...I look over at the chicken. What if we just grab it and devour it whole right here?

I reach out for the chicken-

...My hand meets a hexagonal barrier. There's an energy field around the chicken. What the fuck. "Holy shit. Dude- they're guarding it…!"

"Wha- why…?" Maria is in disbelief!

...Aw. Idea.

"Freeze the barrier!" I request of Genkan! "We're takin' this chicken!"

"...We could simply pay for it." Genkan gives me a dry stare. "...It's three thousand yen."

That's three thousand yen too many! "No one's even at the counter…!"

...She furrows her brows. "You're right. Even so..."

She looks both ways. Those rabbits from before aren't staring at us…!

Reaching forward-

Fwa~sh! She freezes the energy shield!

Swiping out Hard Winter, I stomp back… charge myself wit' magic, and then run up to the ice-

Cra~ck! ...I barely dented it.

"Give me that…" Cringing from the noise, Genkan quickly swipes my toy, jerks herself back, then thrusts at the ice-

Cra~ck- crack, crack!

...The ice all shattered, but the barrier didn't change at all. Holy shit.

"Thunder!" Maria thrust her staff into the barrier!

fzip. What. It ate all the electricity.

...Maria just stumbles back…!

That's it! Stomping up to the barrier, I- Genkan, lemme take my thing back…! Okay, there. I reel the hanger back, and-

Ping. My hit's momentum isn't even reflected. It's just stopped.

"I don't think we're getting that turkey for free." Aw. Genkan's discouraged from smashing it, yo…

Also, it's a chicken, not a turkey, yo. Ho ho.

"Use the big ice blade attack!" We're going all the fuck in! "It's do or die, dude! Swim or sink!"

Oh, man. She's really on the fence…

I give her a big smile!

"I'm pretty sure we'd be in immense trouble." She shakes her head. "I refuse." Aaa~h!

Oof. Oh, well. Let's buy something a little less pricey, then.

"Let's get something cheaper, and more easy to eat…!" More easy, rather than easier, dude. "I don't think we're cutting through a chicken with the plastic sporks they pro'lly give here…"

I press what I think is the no button on the holographic panel-

Fwazam! Holy shit! The chicken disintegrated, dude!

"What…!?" Maria's alarmed! "Oh, no!" She places her hands on the barrier, as the chicken flakes apart into black and cyan electric bits! "A- aah…!?"

…After some seconds, it's entirely gone. That was chicken murder, dude. The hologram refreshes itself, giving us the menu again.

"I'm not sure what to say about that." Genkan's processing chicken murder! "...I find myself saying this too often."

Aw, dude, they have tendies here. Also, fried chicken, I think. If I'm malnourished, maybe I should eat, like… more than just chicken.

Wait. At the bottom there's a few things of bottles. Are these vitamins, or hard drugs?

"Yo, what's these things?" I gesture to the over-the-counter meds!

...Per my request, Genkan reads 'em off. "Hmm. Gastro intestinal supplements. Dietary supplements. Power pills…? Hmm. Some different elemental resistance pills. Dietary replacement multi-vitamins. Laxatives…"

Hmm. I tap the multi-vitamins, then the laxatives.

Fvhip. The hologram vanishes for a moment-

Clack. The door above lazily flaps open-

Cla- clack. The bottles land haphazardly inside the barrier.

...Six hundred seventy yen, huh. Sure. I tap the yes, this time!

"Bottles…" Maria stared at them flatly.

"I'll get some food next, yo." I reason. "These're interesting, though!"

"I'm positive those laxatives aren't for yourself." Lampshading my interests, Genkan drifts around me, to look at the bottles.

"Yeah, yo." Alright, yo, I clicked yes. Where do pay do-

Fvh- fvhip! Holy shit it's a hologram girl! "He~y!" She waves at me! "I'll be taking your money, now!" Aw! She's got a little maid outfit on and everything, for some reason. Twin-tails!

She holds out both her hands.

...After a moment, I plant my six hundred seventy yen into her palms.

Bwhomp. The cash is stored in a small, pale energy bubble. Stepping back, she brings her arms down, before throwing them up-

Clack! The ceiling opens up, and takes the money bubble!

As it quietly closes, she bows at me. "Thank you very mu~ch!"

Fwoo~m. The barrier around the pills powers down, and she disappears. Man, s'a freakin'... project to get your shit here! Not in a bad way; but it's really showy!

...Hoh. Now that I've got my items, I step back from the barrier-

Fwhoo~p! And it's back! Aw…

...Now, for the real food!

Fvhip. The menu panel recalls itself to life, when I approach it again. A tale of two holograms, dude.

...Press random buttons! No, wait, we have shit to buy.

Da~h. "...Take yer selections, yo. I dunno how to read, so…!"

...Stepping up, Maria and Genkan look over the listing.

"Is this everything…?" Maria furrows her brows.

Oh, right, you have to scroll it… I drag down the scrollbar slider!

The moment I do, Maria's eyes widen. "Wo~w. This magic is... incredible."

"Indeed." Genkan agrees with this! "This must have taken forever."

...Aw, dude. What's this freakin'... pink goop in a tray…?

I pick it! "Aw. Good slime."

Giving me a glance, Genkan gives her head a small shake. "Nutrition slime. We'll see about that." The good slime, dude! Nutrition good for Brad! "...Harvested from real slime girls?" Woah.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Ultimately, we spent like… two thousand two hundred yen, was it? We gotta have a good meal, dude.

...We have those vitamins, some fried chicken, tendies…

Oh, yeah, and that pink ooze. It's really liquidy looking. If it weren't nutrition ooze I'd mistake it for plastic, or bubble mix or something.

"Mrm…" Maria's sinking her teeth into the tendies, dude.

...Genkan's using a spork on a piece of fried chicken.

After a moment, she gives up and just lifts it telekinetically. She cheated…!

Crunch. Aw. Tiny bite.

...Swallowing her small bite, she furrows her brows. "...This… tastes like carbon."

Carbon, huh.

...I use my spork to lift some of the nutrition slime. I'm not normally one to try new food- surprisingly- but this looks like candy!

Scoopin' a glob into my mouth, I-...

What is this. Oh no. It's all runny and, woah… I can feel my tongue like, sliding on the roof of my mouth. When I clench my jaw, it takes like, a second of pressure for my teeth to slide the goo out of the way and meet each other, which is weird 'cause it's so flowy! What the hell is this!?

On the upside, it tastes kinda like bubblegum, which isn't terrible. A little sickly edge to it, but it's not terrible.

Gulp. Oo~h. Oh, man, this is taking forever to swallow. That's cool, I don't need to breathe for a few seconds, sure…!

…"Ha~h…" There we go. All down. "Ho- holy crap…" What the hell is this not-jello bullshit.

"Is it alright…?" Maria looks over at me.

...I giver 'er a grin! "Ah. Maybe."

Crunch. Genkan takes another tiny bite of her fried chicken. "...I suppose there's something novel about this."

Ye. Y'know, that was pretty much my first thought when I tried fried chicken. It's a thing that exists, yo.

"You know…" Maria slowly winds herself up to speak, yo. "Genkan. What does make you heavier than humans?"

...Focusing for a moment, Genkan considers a response. "Hmm. If it's not in body, it may have something to do with heat. Whiterock cannot move quickly, and is capable of damaging boulders with her weight, and yet has similar proportions to me. She has far more aptitude for heat capacity than I… and she is centuries older."

"That makes sense…" Maria focused on her nuggets…

I grin at Maria! "An' how're you heavier than me?" She's tinier, about just as thin, and yet somehow burlier.

...Her response is to shrug! "I- I don't know. I'm… I don't think I'm fat. I haven't eaten much recently, either, so that can't be it."

Raising her shirt just a little, I can see her ribs, but only barely. Where are those other pounds…!?

"You're skinny as a rail." ...Oh. Genkan addresses me! "I'm surprised light breezes don't tip you over." Freakin'...

I open my kimono, and as always, my ribs are right there! That's pretty norma-

"If you were a youkai, such shape would be fitting." Genkan stares at my chest blandly…! "For a human, however… you're fairly meek. It's still better than being overweight, but..."

Yeah- there we go! I usually consider that latter sentence. Also, my jet engine metabolism, yo. You know, Genkan didn't feel like two hundred pounds in the bed, either. When she was splayed across us and shit, I mean!

Realistic concepts in a fantasy world are weird shit...

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Dude, those multi-vitamins are good. With some help, I found out the label on the back reads that one chewy tablet fulfills the entire day's nutritional value! It apparently like, adjusts to what you need that day. So like, if you ate two, the second one does fuck and all and just is candy, basically. Weird, yo…

It does not however fill caloric intake, because it's just a tiny tablet! Hoh.

We're just kind of wandering around, now. Where the hell's Kaguya's place…!?

Seikatsu still has fried chicken matter smeared on her lips from when I tried to feed her a leg. Wahaha!

"When we get out of here, we should return to my abode, at some point." Genkan considered. "I didn't quite anticipate being swept up into this… series of adventures. Normally I never leave home unless it's to walk, feed, or play in a blizzard."

Feed, dude. "Ice home is nice home…" We should steal her some furniture while we're here.

"Ah. Sorry that, um... we've been using all your free time…" Maria apologizes ta her-

"Don't be." Genkan's cool with it! Fuckin'... the ice puns- "These past few days have been fun. And, when not that, interesting and eye-opening. I just want to make sure no one's made a home of my cave, or vandalized it. I want to keep my things as my things." You have things?

...Maria looks worried! "Why would someone vandalize your home…?"

She gives us a dry glance. "Fairies." Oh, right.

"Aah…" The question answered, Maria relaxes... "That's mean."

...Oh, shit, it's Kaguya's door!

I run up to it! "We found 'er, dude!"

"...I thought we were trying to leave." Genkan didn't get the memo…! "What's this, now?"

"We're gettin' gravity boots, yo!" With a grinning glance at 'er and a nod, I swing the door open-

"Fu~ck!" Ho~h shit!

...Running up in front of us, Kaguya's swinging an oversized wiffle duster around!

Pap! She slaps a fluffle standing on a counter with it! "Get out!"

"help stop" It looks saddened, as it curls up against the countertop and the wall, intimidated.

Pap! Pap-

Fwoof. She killed it, dude!

...Stopping, she turns to us.

The sight makes Genkan doubletake. "What." Oh, right. Kaguya's only in her skivvies and bra.

She jerks her head back! "Okay, what the fuck. Brad- what is this." She gestures to the friends!

Entering her abode and gesturing back at them, I approach her… "They're friendly."

...Pap! She lightly whaps me with the giant wiffle duster. "Fuck off. If you're going to go fuck up a big thing again, you can suck a dick. I'm busy."

"Busy hammering fluffles…" I nod at this visual…

"...Yeah." She decides to just roll with that!

Then, she steps up to Genkan. "Who's this? Your hooker?"

Genkan's jaw drops! "Wha- ah…?"

"Why're you naked…!?" Maria yells at her!

"It's my house." Kaguya twirls the duster on her finger, before-

Clack. -slapping it down onto the counter next to her.

"I'm pretty sure Eientei is no one's house." Skeptical, Genkan drifts around Kaguya a little…

"...You don't fucking get it." Propping her arms on her hips, Kaguya glares up at her! "I'm the princess, literally. This is my house."

...Genkan furrows her brows.

Fwoof. I open the fridge, for some water to wash down that meal we just had. "Oh, yeah. She's Kaguya."

"No, I don't think so." Wo~w, yo. Genkan's gonna have to learn the hard way!

"...Excuse me?" Kaguya's brows were raised! "...Brad, stop bringing stupid bitches over whenever you visit. Mokou and that fairy fucker are bad enough." Ho ho ho!

"She actually is Kaguya…!" I clarify… also, spring water bottle, dude. It's good stuff.

"Princess Kaguya wouldn't be whacking fluffles with a duster in her underwear." Genkan declares! Also- she tries keep her face straight! "...Additionally, this room looks like a servant's quarters."

"Pfft-... hahaha!" Kaguya actually laughs! "Wo~w. I've got your bitch played."

"Really." Oh, shit. Genkan doesn't like it…! "If you call me something uncouth one more time…"

"Bi~tch." Leaning forward, the princess just up 'n' freakin'... "Bitchy bitchy bi~tch."

Looking vaguely saddened, Maria speaks up. "Wh- what'd we do to you...?"

"You walked in here and bitched up the place." I'm gonna hafta freakin' step in before this shit gets wack…! "With your bitching."

Genkan glowers at her. "If you must test me-"

"Ho~ld it!" No fighting the time princess! "Nope! No fight! War is peace, peace is war…!"

"Brad." Ooo~. Genkan said my name…! "If we put up with you getting into improper, ill-timed brawls, you may allow me to talk down to a servant girl, and-..."

Upon Genkan pausing, I turn and see Kaguya gone. Ah…?

"...And now she's walked off." Genkan sighs. "That works too."

I don't even know, yo. Maybe she had to take a dump and got bored.

Oh- scratch that. She steps out of her room, fully dressed! "If you want to play the formality game, then I will play it, too."

...As she approaches us, she points at Genkan! "Cur. Kneel before me."

"Dressing up as the princess does not mean you are the princess." Genkan gives her a vain stare…

"Alright, fuck it." Kaguya gives up. "C'mere."

Oh, woah! She whirls past me-

-and buries her face into Genkan's breasts, hands cupping them around her face. "Nnh…"

"Aah!?" Genkan freezes in shock…! And then-

Fwa~sh!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Thoom. The metal exterior door shuts behind us.

We stepped outside of the clinic into this rather quaint clearing, around the side of it. There's some locked grey boxes out here, and grungy metal fencing.

"Here's where we test boots." Kaguya has shown us the boot location! "It's also where I'm going to shove a boot up your ass if you sass me again."

"Again, I apologize…" Genkan's disheveled from the earlier tussle… "It's just- I'd thought-"

"You didn't think, that's what." Facing her briefly, Kaguya points at 'er before moving towards one of the grey boxes. "But, because I am so benevolent and loving, to all my guests and staff, I will seek no reprimand. Only because your breasts are awesome, and you froze me while I was motorboating you." In retrospect, that was a poor tactical decision…!

"...Mmm." Looking away from her, Genkan's expression stays displeased.

Cla- clack. Undoing one of the bar locks for the crate ahead, Kaguya flips it open…

"Aa~h." She shuts it immediately. "Iron boots. Not helpful."

Cla- clack. She flips the next one open… "Speed boots. No."

Cla- clack. There's a lot of boot boxes out here… "Lava waffles. No." Wait- what.

Cla- clack. "Here we go." Ooh…?

...She takes out these boxy looking boots, with unlit blue tubes on the bottom. They're similar to the thrusters Seikatsu here uses. "Gravity boots."

Then, she tosses them at me!

I catch 'em awkwardly…! "Woah. You could club a rhino to death with these…!"

...With that, Kaguya focuses on Genkan again!

Unfocused looking, Genkan seems to be admiring the treetops. The way the sun blends with stuff is rather fluffy…

"Hey." Kaguya calls out to her. "Snow woman."

"Hmm…?" Looking tired and dismissive, Genkan focuses on her. "Now what?"

"Why didn't you kill me earlier?" Kaguya asks outright…! "I molested you."

This line of questioning wakes her up! "...I didn't know if you really were the princess or not." Exhaling, Genkan leans back a little… "At this point, I'd like to keep the death of others at the back of my mind, rather than the front."

"Can't yuki-onna steal souls, and shit like that?" Stepping up to her, Kaguya holds her arms out. "Hug me."

...Raising her brows, Genkan's not sure how to take this! "What?"

"Kill me." Smiling, Kaguya accepts death with open arms! "I wanna see what dying while being smothered by a yuki-onna feels like again. I can't be arsed to wander out into the snow just to maybe find one of you."

"Re- really…?" Genkan just blinks at her!

"I was trying to get you to kill me earlier, since you bitches're typically pretty sore about being called bitches." Slowly, Kaguya lowers her arms, getting tired… "But I guess I gotta just ask, since you're really that dumb."

...Still skeptical, Genkan only issues a reply after a moment of careful, narrow-eyed consideration. "This… surely cannot be political, since you dying wouldn't benefit yourself. Unless-"

"Stop overthinking it! Just fucking rape me already!" Fed up, Kaguya throws herself at Genkan again!

"Um…!" Maria steps back from them, holding up her staff cautiously. "Brad, should we, um…"

"Let's wait it out…" While this happens, I'm gonna fuck with these boots. "I got boots to boot!"

"Whah…?" Maria's confused by my reserved stance…!

...While I fool with these mage boots I've been wearing since like chapter ten million- to get 'em off- I look up at the exchange-

Kaguya's like, wrapped her limbs around her, hugging her head into Genkan's bosom again. "Mrm…"

"Yo- you…" Grimacing, Genkan's form begins to emit frosty mist…! "Fine. If you want death so badly… I will give it to you."

"O- oh…" Apprehensive and quiet, Maria holds a hand to her mouth. "Brad- um… I- I think-"

"It'll be cool, yo." ...Now that I think about it, in more ways than one! I'm gonna destroy the English language for these accidental puns that keep happening.

Wrapping her arms around Kaguya, Genkan's kimono whirls to tuck her in, dude…!

"A- aah…" Pressed into the yuki-onna's likely soft folds, Kaguya withers and exhales.

"Don't make me feel guilty, by reconsidering." Frowning down at the immortal, Genkan hugs her closer. "...You chose this. It will not be painful."

Fwi~sh. Kaguya's all but buried by the kimono's cloth, her black hair poking out from between Genkan's pillows, as she buries her face…

"...Now, relax." Opening her eyes, Genkan smiles down at her. "...Yes. Like that."

Panicked, Maria begins tugging on my sleeves! "Thi- this- I don't think th- this is oka~y…!"

I look over at her. "Think 'a Mokou. S'like that…!"

She seems to sit down next to me. "Ah. Well. It's still weird…" Hoh.

After some moments, I can see Kaguya's head jitter a few times. I'm not sure from what!

I've got the boots on, just about! They're… surprisingly comfy. Still gotta try walking in 'em, but it should be fine.

"Nn- nnh…" Kaguya lets out a muffled groan from within Genkan's embrace. She seems to be rather snug, from the way she's just shifting her head gently...

After a moment, she tilts her head up, staring up at Genkan's chilly, unblinking smile.

"Aa~..." She lets out a little noise!

"You seem comfortable." Genkan really gets into the zone when she's draining people…!

"Te- te…" Kaguya attempts to speak, shuddering and sinking deeper into Genkan's embrace.

"Hmm?" Genkan brings her face closer to hers…

"Tell Eirin… enh." She gasps, for some reason. "Buy me… a- a yuki-onna…"

...Furrowing her brows, Genkan's hold visibly tightens…! "Sink into the dreams of sleeping souls."

...After a few more jitters, Kaguya stops moving, her head sinking into Genkan's bust.

She put 'er in a coffin, dude. Tucked her in for bed…!

Fwoo~f. Darting back, releasing Kaguya, the kimono quickly whips back around Genkan's form. Steam billows out for the brief moment it's open…!

"Ha~h…" Her icy expression cracking, she exhales. "So warm."

Thud. Kaguya's pale corpse faceplants before her, frost built up on the exterior of her dress.

I'm immune to death by cold, so... "Hello, friend." I stand up- oh, fuck. These shoes are weird to walk in…!

"Her body… contained an abnormal amount of warmth." Feeling at herself, Genkan's eyebrows arched up. "This is… odd."

...I wonder.

"Seikatsu!" I look at our robotic operating buddy! "...Weight, Genkan?" I wanna know if that's a command. Also, if her weight's changed, that'd prove her hypothesis!

"Insufficient format." You wot, mate. "Please specify measurement system. Command functions as follows: Weight, unit, optional parameter, and patient."

...Freakin'. "Seikatsu-"

Kaguya snores from the floor, her body thawed and healthily tinted again. "Mmrm…"

"Unrecognized input." Aa~h!

"Immortality is weird..." Maria seems to have processed these events!

"Seikatsu!" Let's go, yo! "...Genkan, weight, customary?"

"Patient: Genkan." Oh, that works, I think. "Three hundred twenty-three pounds." Hoh, shit! She gained like… a hundred pounds!

"I would like to know how much Whiterock weighs specifically…" Floating over to us, Genkan looks no different for her one hundred pounds she just put on. "...I also cannot hold this much heat for long. We should… weigh me again, later."

…Here comes the silence, dude. We're awkward people. Well- Maria's probably adjusting to everything that just happened, and Genkan looks like she feels tubby.

Wait, yeah, boots! How the frik do I turn on these boots? Let's see…

Let's try that thing where you click them together!

Cli- click! I click the heels of the boots together twice!

...And, yeah, nothing. Oof.

Hrrm. Maybe there's like, a switch…

Oh, there is. I flip the switch with a finger-

Both boots activate, and I float into the air…! "Oh- oah! Dude holy shit…!" Oh, fuck…!

Standing up- I'm moving forward! And- I'm falling to the side…!

After sliding forward and falling over, I'm now in the air… upside down. Let me tell you, all about how… my life got flipped, turned upside down!

I'm still standing. My poofy hair is almost touching the dirt floor of this outdoor enclave, as it we~re. This is so fucking weird-looking…!

"...Hi." I upside-down greet the friends as they approach. And- now I'm spinning. Oh, shit…

"Do you need help?" Genkan proposes, looking reserved. Freakin'...

"I dunno~…" I'd like to get a hang of-

Moving my leg, I start to ride off towards the fence! Ah, shit-

Woah! Stopped abruptly- arcing down-

Woosh. Genkan slides past me, a hand on the back 'a my collar as I- oh, holy shit…

I freakin' skate around in a flippy circle, revolving around her arm! "Waa~ aa~ aa~...!" Oh my god dude-

Pap. After a moment, Genkan catches my leg with her other arm-

-and I awkwardly stop against her side, kind of. My right leg does, anyway. This stops the rest 'a me, though.

"...I can see this was worth walking the better part of today for." ...Awkwardly, she tries to reposition me-

"Ah- aah…" She's getting tipped around awkwardly by it…!? How much weight do these boots carry!? She's supposed to be three hundred, and I'm another hundred!

Once she exerts her strength more, I'm put down properly!

"...There." She furrows her brows, trying to keep me held still. I feel like… you ever try to press the same ends of a double A battery together? Yeah. That's my feet and the floor right now.

...She lets go-

"Aha~h…!" I'm thrust up into the air again, and propelled forward! I kinda like-

Woa~h. By tilting my feet I can change where I'm going. I put this to great use by spinning in circles-

"Ngh!" And… ramming my gut into an overhang, that's fine. Oo~h...

"A- aah…!" Maria runs after me! "I'm not sure if that's a good… idea!?"

The correct answer is it's not, but it's a fun one! Let me just…

What is this overhang, anyway. It's crappy, made of funkily colored metal, held up by wood, and is protecting gray crates. Freakin'...

Grabbing the metal overhang to pivot myself around, I- am just kinda pulled off the metal grate, and taken for a joy ride…!

Oncoming gate, drift to the right…! I tilt my legs- and my body keeps tilting I can't stop it from tilting-

Clang! My boots hit the metal grate fence when I drift into it, giving me a small rebound to, um… I'm traveling entirely sideways now, off the like, surface of the fence. Oh my god, this is trippy as fuck…

...As I near a corner of fence stuff, I curl up into a ball to try and make my turn, jerking and curling my legs up instead of trying to turn more intuitively…

I transition onto the fence! Traveling forward, I end up gliding over the side of a wall, before coming towards anotha' wall. Crouch and ro~ll the legs…

I'm a wall roller, dude. "This is weird, dude. This is weird, du~de…!"

...My party just kinda silently watches! Seikatsu seems to be loosely following me along, rotating with me whenever I shift planes. She looks so weird, just… floating along, with her arms held up.

Let's try turning to the floor, now! So… maybe if I just… pan my feet as I move, and kinda drift…

I propel forward off of the wall I'm 'on', passing the dirt floor by the wayside. Thrusting myself into a curled up position, my feet now face the 'wall' of floor I'm along the side 'a…

...Hehe~y! I'm upright again! But I'm still going forward…!

"Is it possible to, like…" Maria follows me along, trying to help! "Turn them off?"

Oh, yeah. I just gotta…

Crouching down, I flip the switches-

Thud. -and immediately eat shit, since doing that required me to crouch into a ball and freakin' have a rolly polly session with the ground. "Oof…"

Vuu~m. The healing engine for Seikatsu briefly kicked on to channel medibeam stuff at me, before stopping once I was adequately healed, apparently.

"Woah…" Taking a pace away from Seikatsu, Maria's brows were raised! "What was that…?"

"The good doctor's high energy, dude." I shall… traverse the world in these boots! Worst case scenario, I just use them for increased mobility to get the fuck away from evil shit. Also, it lets you climb walls apparently, so I can get to the top of the mansion…!

Crea~k. Snapping us out of momentary idleness, Genkan swings the back gate of this freakin'... rundown backyard of the clinic open. "Let's get going."

Also, yes, we just left Kaguya lying in a freakin' happy puddle outside the side access door. No one will know, dude, no one will know.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

...We're basically on the road to the village again! I don't think we'll have to stop inside, since we're just going to Genkan's place to crash in the ice. We'll be cool with it too, because ice resistance. Hell, I'll probably love it there with freakin'... one hundred fifty resistance. Ambient healing!

"...Hey." Maria is soft, and warm to the touch. "Genkan."

"Hmm." Genkan gives a hum, drifting alongside us. Flying people never stops being surreal, when you stop to think about it.

"Do you find… killing people, easy? Or, well, have…?" Maria questions death ethic, yo.

...Once a moment of consideration is taken, Genkan replies! "Not… typically. When I was younger, and hungrier, yes. I'm a lot less… active, now. I'd still be aggressive if I wasn't fed. It's sort of ironic, but heat mellows us out. Otherwise, if someone attacks me, I'm not afraid to take their life if they deserve it."

"...Ah." Maria consumes this knowledge to claim as her own. "...I was going to ask if you've ever killed anyone, but the answer's… probably yes?"

"Obviously." Genkan admits to have once murdered! "Most yuki-onna persist through their teenage and young adult years through random homicide in the snow. ...If it's any consolation, those people usually die of frost if left alone. I'd like to think that freezing to death in embraced bliss would be best for them, compared to slowly dying alone in the cold."

...Maria nods! "You know, that makes sense…"

Yuki-onna probably came about from people dying in the snow, and people going 'oh shit snow women got them'. It's the only logical conclusion, so you can't blame 'em! In that sense, they're just kind of part and parcel of nature, except a little more aggressive… and alive. And sentient…!

As we near the village gates, I have another idea! "...You know what we should do, yo?"

"We're not going inside the village." Genkan outright shuts down a potential route! "I don't feel like dealing with it yet."

"Nah, yo." I wasn't plannin' on it. But what I am plannin' on…! "What about the buddhist temple, dude?"

...At that, Genkan takes pause!

"...I am curious." Maria is curious, yo.

"I suppose it couldn't hurt." Genkan's fine with it, yo. "As long as it's not terribly out of the way. I'd like to see how it operates, myself. Considering its proximity to the village, I've never… felt urged to approach it." Ho ho ho. We're going to encroach upon its personal space…!

Once we near the village gate, I take a left! "S'over here, yo. An' up a hill, not too far!"

...So we walk. An'-

"What's your thoughts?" Maria addresses… someone! I think me- "On youkai killing people." That's probably for me…!

...Looking over at her, hmm. Youkai killing people, huh. "...Youkai have killed people!" Yer gonna hafta be a little more specific!

"Well, yeah…" Maria grins! "But, like… does that ever make you afraid?"

"...Not really." Admittedly. 'Cause like… "It's typically pretty easy ta tell when someone wants yer head in. An' if a big girl wanted me dead, I'd probably either be dead, or deserve the freakin'... oncoming pain. 'Cause they don't usually just step on random people for no reason…!" Except for Remilia on a bad day and if she don' know you, maybe.

"Some years ago, youkai used to be more… deceptive." Genkan reflected. "They still are, but you'd know who they are if you saw them. They're also offset by the fairies, and this wolfman situation that's been going on. Among other irrelevant nuisances…"

Oh, dude, steps.

"If I die yo, I die. It's a cruel world after all, dude." ...I take two steps onto the stairs, and two steps back down!

"Aah…" Maria goes 'aah'.

"That makes you sound like you have no self-preservation." Genkan… critiques, maybe? Comments! One of those two… "I know that's not true."

...Ah. She missed the beat, yo.

Clack, clack, clack. These gravity boots make me at least twice as intimidating on hard surfaces!

Once we're halfway up these insane temple stairs, I clarify things. "Well, I'm kinda half-jokin', but y'know…"

"Do you hold no merit in that opinion, though?" For some reason, Genkan presses for a serious response!

"...I mean, if I just got freakin' randomly assassinated in my sleep... or a meteor fell on me, or I got sniped by a roving super sniper bandit, it's not like the world would end, I think. No pain, even! Not even a chance ta bargain! Just..." I slap my hands together! "Death."

…In retrospect, that got a little heavy! But it feels good, dude.

"You make it sound like you constantly anticipate death." Genkan's got her brows furrowed at me!

Well. Yeah? "...Yeah. Ye. This is Gensokyo…!" I know of the horrors that lie beneath! And there's really no fretting death if it just happens. You just hope it don't just happen!

"And what does that have to do with a life of constant fear?" Genkan, how did you keep a straight face when asking that question.

...I grin at 'er for her! "Freakin', there's so much random super magical bullshit goin' on at any given time…! That, and everyone's really fickle, even including some of the big stick people…! And, like… the setting in general." It doesn't really come to mind at the moment, but Gensokyo's got plenty of fucked up shit ready to gank you for existing, and no one would know or care that you died.

...I mean, I still have common sense self-preservation, like 'whatever you do don't fucking molest Flandre like a troglodyte', but I've kinda thrown the idea of 'minimize all possible routes of death' out the window. Because, like… sometimes here, it seems arbitrary and unavoidable! It's not like people've ever gotten anywhere by like, hiding away based on the zero point zero zero one chance of a meteor descending from the heavens and ending only them precisely on any given day.

...I guess this all makes me sound pretty pessimistic! S'not like I freak out over the bad parts, though… nor am I really given the chance to.

...Oh, hey, we're at the top of the steps. My legs…!

"...What if other people weren't okay with you dying?" Genkan… hoh! Asks the big question! "...Like your fairy, Hana, for instance." Ooo~!

...Man. This is actually tricky. I don't wanna say 'that's their problem for being remotely sociable with me', because it's really not. Not like they coulda foresaw my death…! At the same time, like, unless they play an active part in keeping random arbitrary shit from not killing me, I feel like it's to be… I dunno, expected?

And, besides, I've had pretty good luck so far. Luck runs out, but so far it hasn't!

"...S'a tough question!" I gotta gather my thoughts to respond better! Freakin'-

"Take care of yourself."

...Genkan doesn't express this to me in a commanding tone, or in monotone, but phrased more like a suggestion than anything.

...I just kinda blink at her! An' then I-

"Genuinely." Oh, good, her tone's normal again. Freakin', threw me a curveball…! "I know it seems hypocritical, but pessimism… hrmm. It's sort of unsettling."

Is it, yo? "I'm unsettling, dude…!" I am the opposite of settling! Migrating…?

"You were only afraid of the notion of people missing you." Ignoring my humor, Genkan declares an observation…! "It's uncommon for a human to have no goals."

Hey, yo. If you don't hope for anything, you won't be disappointed! Also…

"Afraid?" What're you talkin' about, yo? I mean, I fear things like anyone, but I don't think I was like-

"I can smell it." Wha- you can what. "...Don't give me that look. I thought you knew how youkai operate." Oh. Oh, ri~ght. Fear and stuff. Oof.

...Maria's just standing in front 'a us with Kyouko next ta her.

...Kyouko looks kinda sheepish! "Hey." Then again, she's always kinda tiny…

"I guess it's a good thing we stopped here." Maria looks us over…! "We could talk with some of the… staff? Nuns and religious people." Yeah, yo. Buddha's burliest tubs! An' trust me, Buddha knew a lot about being tubby…!

"I heard you guys on the way up." Oh, god, Kyouko heard my sudden death-related worldview! "...Follow me." Aa~h! I swear, if this ends in Byakuren shoving Buddha down my throat, I'm gonna shove fluffles down her lacy shirt…!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

END OF CHAPTER 80

PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Fairy Slayer, Accidental Human Slayer, Robot Demolisher, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Village Liberator, Eientei Crucible, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Factory Disassembler, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine, Sky Climber, Amateur Espionage Practitioner, Illegal Fairy Harborer, Conscientious Party Member, Winter Warrior, Village Revolutionary, Has Forgotten What Half of These Titles Stood For, Holder of Too Many Titles.

PRIMARY WEAPON: Hard Winter - A earth/ice elemental plant hanger made from sturdy rock; has a flower curved around the big, orange shaft-like hilt.

PRIMARY WEAPON SKILLS:

Jack Hammer - This weapon can be used as a jack hammer!

Attack Up - Attacks can be magically charged for bonus damage.

Generic Buff - The most generic of buffs. Boosts defense and attack moderately.

Gaia Seed - Basic earth magic. May make targets slightly tired. Creates downward push force on targets.

Tundra - Spike of sturdy ice which might throw people off balance. Might shank someone who slips onto it, though!

Ice Shard - Advanced ice magic. May freeze enemies. Creates ice magic in their body, and freezes the air around them.

Combo Plus - User gets an extra hit artificially, if they want to!

Combo Jump - User can easily cancel out of combos.

Frost Trail - User leaves frost in their trail, particularly while jumping.

NON-EQUIP SKILLS:

Lucky Star - Non-elemental attack that does very random damage to one target. Star that drops from abo~ve!

Scent Pillow - A spell taught by Koakuma. Summons a pillow endowed with the user's love fluids… which, for males, is, euh…

World's Wimpiest Fireball - A spell learned from a book given to me by Patchy. Summons a really, genuinely terrible fireball that only ignites the weakest of fairies.

Lumen - Low-grade holy spell that eats all my mana. Requires a source of holy to actually be cast. Homes in on an enemy and deals a burst of mediocre holy damage.

Double Jump - A skill I got somehow! Allows the user to jump twice. Avoid fall damage, maybe!

Perspective Holder - Um…? I am the primary perspective of this story!

INVENTORY:

[Bag of Holding] - A small bag that always seems to be conveniently unaffected by whatever weird crap happens to me. Never enlarges, almost always gives me what I need if I remember it's there. Infinite inventory space. I would like to know where it actually puts all my stuff though…

==o==

WEAPONS:

Swordbreaker - Dark elemental plant hanger. Boosts the power of dark skills. Has a curvy, fancy design that lets it easily counter swords! Provides a weak but passive boost to defense, magical defense, and evade. Lowers the attack of foes as its on-impact effect.

=o=

Youkai Inconveniencer - A holy plant hanger, which works as a flail 'cause of the cross necklaces attached to it! Boosts the power of holy skills.

SKILLS:

Flash - Blinding magic. Works best on dark-elementals, but also works on youkai. Humans too, kinda.

Flashlight - It's a flashlight! Might blind dark youkai, I dunno…

Shine - Basic holy magic. Generates a holy orb in the target's body, which hits 'em with raw holy and stuff...

=o=

Fairy Harp - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. Has a grate slapped onto it, and a steel block! Sparkles, too…! Oh, s'also got strings, man…!

SKILLS:

Gust - Basic wind magic. Pushes the feeble…!

Fairy Dust - Weapon status effect replaced with fairy dust. Wind attacks with this weapon get fairy dust all over the enemy, debuffing their sinuses!

Bootiful Instrument - I can play music wit' it, dude!

=o=

Flame Salvo - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of mysterious ruby red gems and crimson metals. Boosts the power of fire skills. Ignites things on physical attacks!

SKILLS:

Flamethrower Plus - A jet of fire. Freakin'... what do ya want me to say!?

Fume - Makes hot air fume from the earth below. Might sear the feeble.

=o=

Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Boosts the power of wind skills. Pushes air on swing!

=o=

Deep Blue - A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Boosts the power of water skills.

SKILLS:

Freakin' Leaks! - Can produce limitless fresh hanger water…!

Geyser - Basic water attack. Gush of water erupts from the earth and might fling the feeble…!

Valve - I can control the water flow with this!

=o=

Sharper Than Darkness - A dark, runed plant hanger constructed from dark shards. Glowy red runes on it…! Boosts the power of dark skills. Decreases user's defense and increases attack. Can cut things!

SKILLS:

Revenge - Non-elemental cleaving attack that increases in power when health is lower.

Bloody Mess - User bleeds faster and longer.

=o=

Bee-Sheventeen-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Made of a lot of weird freakin' parts and stick bits and piston things…

SKILLS:

Boom - Hitting stuff makes booms!

Danmaku Pellet? - Can shoot a yellow pellet, for some reason.

=o=

Million Bucks - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger, from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion. It's a gift from Flandre Scarlet! Has an obsolete map of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself, along with some shoddy enchantments! Lowers defense slightly. Slightly electric and holy elemental.

SKILLS:

Panic Attack! - Run faster when health is lower!

Magic Attack - Physical attacks are converted to magic attacks, and fluidly pass through objects.

Combo Jump - Allows the user to transition to jumping while mid-attack.

Aerial Plus - Forced aerial support! It's vaguely easier to hit aerial foes with it!

Air Slide Plus - Lets the user awkwardly air slide.

Glide - Replaces Brad's double jump skill with gliding.

High Jump - Increased jump height while running.

=o=

Fragile Flower - A cute hanger with floral designs and light colors. Aesthetically pleasing!

SKILLS:

Enfeebled - Wielder has halved physical defense and offense.

Cleanse - Basic healing skill which cleanses one target of all debuffs or status problems.

=o=

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Market Gardener - Critical hits during blast jumps! Otherwise, it's just a normal, old plant hanger. Named after a very similar shovel…!

NERF Maverick Blaster - Harmless foam dart gun toy. When I focus with it, I can fire danmaku NERF darts! Upgraded with an eagle feather and Hina's talisman to inflict confusion and bad luck by default. Negligible non-elemental damage.

NERF longsword - 'CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals'… you know what that means! Maybe one day this will actually come in handy…

==o==

ARMOR:

Camouflage Kimono - This kimono means business, son. Hopefully helps hide me better in the freakin' brush…!

STATS:

One hundred fifty percent ice resistance.

Fifty percent freeze resistance.

Fifty percent dark resistance.

Negative fifty percent fire resistance.

Negative fifty percent burning resistance.

=o=

Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! Voice, face, and height specifications not included!

STATS:

Seventy-five percent time resistance.

=o=

Yellow Racecar Helmet - It's like a really knockoff space marine helmet! It feels like it's got good physical defense, too… at least for my head.

STATS:

Fifty percent sun resistance.

One hundred percent freezing resistance.

One hundred percent blinding resistance.

One hundred percent electrical stunning resistance.

=o=

Lunarian Prototype Space Suit - A suit meant for combat in deep space. So far, it's only got the whole 'exist in deep space' part down…! Has an oxygen tank, but that's only useful if you wear the helmet to go along with it.

STATS:

One hundred percent electricity resistant.

One hundred percent freezing resistant.

Randomly casts Zero Gravity when it feels like it.

Zero Gravity - Area of effect spell which removes gravity from debris and the feeble!

=o=

Lunarian Prototype Deep Space Helmet - It's a freakin' space helmet.

STATS ALONE:

Fifty percent blinding resistant.

STATS: (paired with Lunarian Prototype Space Suit)

One hundred percent electricity resistant. Again, yo!

One hundred percent resistance to burning and poison.

=o=

Testing Oxygen Tank - The oxygen tank used by the Lunarian Prototype Space Suit. Lasts for two and a half minutes! Not meant to actually be used outside of testing, but it's possible. Refills automatically in breathable air.

=o=

MP Prize Pin - A badge that allows the user to drain some of the enemy's mana, forcing it to become mana prizes on the field. For awhile only the user(s) of this badge may pick them up, but after a grace period anyone can.

STATS:

Extends prize grabbing range!

=o=

Sun Badge - A badge that looks like the sun. How interesting, dude.

STATS:

Fifteen percent sun resistant. Wow.

Fifty percent resistance to blinding and electrical stunning.

Replaces the on-impact effect of all weapons with Sunfire Flare.

Sunfire Flare - Flash of light that blinds everyone. Doesn't work on the sun-resistant.

=o=

Stock Outfit - Blue, long-sleeved shirt with a huge V-neck button-up collar. Blue sweatpants. Most balanced outfit.

STATS:

Negative five percent wind resistance.

May make the wearer tired.

=o=

Reimu's Outfit - Shrine maiden clothes, dude. Holy resistant, but I dunno how much! Even comes with the bindings and tubes and ribbon 'n' everything!

Reimu's Ribbon - Man, that's cuddly looking.

Hakurei Arm Sleeves - How do you wear these.

Remilia Scarlet's Mob Cap - Twenty five percent dark resistance. Lets me be a Touhou, too!

Monk Robes - Wear to become a Buddhist! Actually pretty comfy…!

Gravity Boots - Boots that reduce the user's gravity! More like, propels them off the floor a little. Reduces the effectiveness of space statuses on the user. Really weird to control…!

==o==

CONSUMABLES/OTHER:

Twenty seven thousand, nine hundred Yen - ...Yeah, just in a bag. It's about time I documented how much freakin' money I have!

Four Health Potions - They give you youkai-like regen for like, thirty seconds! No chuggin' these babies to indefinitely survive the cold reaches of outer space. Unless the regen outdoes the asphyxiation, but I think I'd rather die by that point…

Mega Potion - Youkai-like regen for thirty seconds… except for the whole family! Applies to entire party. Good for when we all suck at life!

Four Mana Potions - Restores an average amount of mana, I think. More than enough for someone like me!

Three Panaceas - Cures all status effects. I dunno if it works on debuffs, though...

Akihito's Broadsword - Too big for me to use as a weapon. I wonder if I could use it as like, a tent stake or something.

Butterfly Dream Pills - Makes you dream of being a beautiful butterfly!... now, if only there was a pill for lucid or wet dreams, and then I'd consider Yagokoro the doctor to end all doctors!

Rope of Red Bikinis - Wahaha! Gonna getcha, son!

Some Fancy Key - A key lent to me by Brittany. Wha- why. What's it for…!?

Youkai Exterminator Badge - I still have this, dude! Yo ho ho! Allows me to not be considered a youkai by most guardsmen!

Bone - I got it from a frozen reindeer. Why's there only one…!?

==o==

RANDOM CRAP:

Tables and Furniture - Impromptu furnishings!

==o==

PARTY:

London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks, both the magical and physical variety. Has lance, can shoot danmaku. Variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly. I really have to remember to use her, at some point!

PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. London shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.

==o==

Genkan, the Yuki-onna - A bitter yuki-onna from Gensokyo's wildlands, mostly active in the winter, and on particularly cold days. Heals from ice damage. Commands powerful control over frost, and has a wide variety of ice-affinity attacks. Weak to fire and burning.

SKILLS:

Ice Control - Freely use ice to make stuff. Inherent one hundred percent ice resistance. Negative one hundred fire and burning resistance.

Freeze - Instantly freezes one to two enemies. Low chance of working on stronger foes.

Creaking Freeze - Generates a spinning, magic snowflake in an enemy's body, which instantly freezes them after a moment. High accuracy.

Glacier - Erects a massive blade of ice from the ground, dealing incredible physical ice damage.

Triple Glacier - See above, but on three enemies! As such, costs triple the mana!

Ice Spin - Spins and lashes out with chilling frost. Probably just an extension of her normal frost powers and not an actual skill…

Ice Shard - Advanced ice magic. May freeze enemies. Creates ice magic in their body, and freezes the air around them.

Snow - Make it snow locally. Very minor ambient ice damage to everyone on the battlefield, including allies. Has a low chance to instantly freeze someone for no reason.

Yuki-onna's Embrace - Hug. Binds target close to her. Makes the target tired, severely lowers accuracy and magical defense, and makes them comfortable. Skill may only be performed by yuki-onna. Negative facets reduced by ice and freezing resist. Someone with over a hundred resistance will be buffed and healed by it…!

Yuki-onna's Entombment - Final, optional stage of the hug…! Guaranteed instant death inflicted by the draining of vitality. Heals the user for the heat taken from the target. Does not work well on bosses or the instant death resistant. Instant death proc is nullified if the target's ice or freezing resistance is over fifty percent. Skill may only be performed by yuki-onna.

Other Skills - Probably has more spells, but freakin'... I dunno her like a textbook!

INVENTORY:

Absolute Zero Kimono - A better version of the stock yuki-onna kimono. Has new trims and stuff!

STATS:

Two hundred ice resistance. Genkan only receives one hundred since this is her stock apparel…! Still adds up to two hundred 'cause of her Ice Control skill… and being a yuki-onna and all.

Negative one hundred fire and burning weakness. Doesn't affect Genkan since this weakness is native anyway, but oof.

=o=

Two thousand yen - Her remaining total after spending money on our upgrades.

Bagged Money - Some money Reimu got for us, to pay for our irreversible trauma. She's friendly, dude. We haven't counted it out, yet!

I dunno - What would I~ have if I was a sexy ice woman?

[unknown spaces remaining]

==o==

Maria, the Actually Ordinary Magician - A villager from the human village. Used to run the most impoverished bar ever, but that fell under or something. Really low self-esteem! Resistances and weaknesses depend on equipment. Can cast basic elemental spells!

SKILLS:

Fire - Small, homing fireball of doom. May ignite foes! Doesn't do much damage.

Blizzard - Spread shot of big snowflakes. May chill foes.

Thunder - Random spread of bolts in an area! Zaps people…!

INVENTORY:

Pine Frost Staff - Made with pine wood and an icy reagent. Also good for bonking things! Twenty five percent ice resistance, one hundred percent freezing resistance. Negative fifty percent burning resistance.

SKILLS:

Ice Shard - Advanced ice magic. May freeze enemies. Creates ice magic in their body, and freezes the air around them.

Blizzara - Big spread shot of myriad ice chunks, with magical snowflakes whirling around inside them. May freeze foes!

=o=

Casual Freeze Clothes - Casual, neon villager garb. Bright yellow shirt with a blue snowflake stitched onto the front, a bright blue skirt, and a tan vest. Looks about as garish as your regular Touhou, now!

STATS:

Fifty percent ice resistant.

One hundred percent freezing resistant.

=o=

Wood Staff - Good for bonking things!

Magical Lens - A lens that shoots la~ser bea~ms! ...When you input mana into it, anyway, apparently. Gift from Marcus Kirisame!

[Travel Bag] - Inventory that exists! Does not take up inventory because it is inventory. Eight slots.

Two Mana Potions - Guess wha~t? It heals, except mana!

[four spaces remaining]

==o==

Hana, the Electric Fairy Maid - Hello again, friend! You're fluffy. Healed by electric magic. Immune to electric stunning!

SKILLS:

Little Zap - Basic electric magic. Zaps a target twice with static from above!

Random Electric - When pressured, uses random electric spells that exist.

Electric Control - With true power, she's able to stun opponents into submission by touching them, apparently.

Electric Elemental - Three hundred percent electric resistant. One hundred percent resistance to electrical stunning.

INVENTORY:

Hana's Fairy Maid Uniform - Stock standard uniform from the mansion! Cyan-tinted in places to match her hair color. Honh...

==o==

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

huh didn't leave an AN for this chapter pre-edit

but yeah party members are soft

we got some GRAVITY BOOTS which should be a marginally more useful navigation enhancer than normal old boots

some more buddhist temple funsies since i've made a fast food place of this environment (although it won't quite be as it should since current events dude)

maybe that will change in future revisals

anyway more sort of serious worldviews! it only figures yo, with how long i've had this party assembled, that they'd start asking questions yo

also hot damn this inventory section is like 2.7 k words on its own and nine pages

provided i added it after the doc was already like 13 k words and 41 pages so i don't use it as an excuse to skimp content but dayum

the actual wordcount of this fic is probably sans 300 k at this point XD

or more realistically like… 2 k * total chapters. so right now prior to this update, 198 k words of my total are from inventory stuff give or take, which isn't gruesome but oof

it's also only an approximation 'cause ANs after a certain point are bigger and ANs before a certain point are smaller

...and i don't count the AN part of the inventory summaries since each one is actually unique and differs in size depending on how much i run my mouth

so the actual wordcount of this fic is like 1.1 M prior to this update, in which it'll probably be like… 50 - 60 k real words and 10 k of fake inventory guff

hoh hoh, transparency dude

also chicken murder dude!

as always, see you all next time!