Last chapter guys, and it's very long with more trigger warnings so read with caution and get comfy.
Ch. 7 Dance Away Each Bruise, You Can Never Lose
(CLARE)
"Eli's here," Owen hollers up the stairs about two seconds before the doorbell rings.
I had nightmares about Bruce all week, I called Adam Tuesday and Wednesday, Fitz has slept over three nights in a row. Lucas had to work all week, but had tonight off. With Lucas working and the nightmares coming without fail I asked Fitz to stay. He was happy to and Lucas fine with it. Fitz started in Lucas' bed Wednesday night, and came to my room as soon as I screamed, just as had happened Monday night. Thursday night and last night he just started in my room, and woke me as soon as I began thrashing and whimpering in my sleep. Even though the nightmares still came having Fitz with me always made me feel better. Only Lucas, Evelyn and Owen know Fitz has been sleeping over in the same bed, I haven't even told Adam.
"Coming," I call just as I hear the door open.
I grab my purse and go down the stairs, Eli stands by the door looking cautiously at all the boys in my house. Since Lucas has the night off, as did everyone else, he invited them all to hang out, including Drew and Spinner. They'll be going to The Break Room later, but all decided to be here when Eli picked me up. I'm really not sure why as Lucas assured me they weren't going to ask Eli a million questions or anything. Not to mention that Owen, Drew, Fitz and Spinner already know Eli, so the only ones meeting him tonight are Johnny and Lucas.
"You look great," Eli smiles when he sees me. I went simple with black flats, a black denim skirt and dark purple top.
"Thanks, you look nice too," I grin as I reach the bottom of the stairs. He seems to have gone simple too with black jeans and a grey short sleeve button up.
"Eli, this is Lucas," I introduce them as Lucas comes over.
"Nice to meet you," Eli smiles sweetly while Lucas sizes him up.
"Yeah good to meet you. I've been told you're a good guy, so treat her well or we'll kill you."
"Like a princess," Eli says swallowing hard and then looking at me. "You ready to go?"
"Yeah," I reply grabbing my sweater. It's still pretty warm but if we're out late it will get cold.
"Home by two," Lucas remarks.
"I know," I reply kissing his cheek. "Good night guys, have fun tonight," I wave to the others.
"Have fun Clare, but not too much fun," Lucas says with harsh tone and narrowing his eyes at Eli.
"Good night Clare," the other guys chorus. Eli looks a little worried, but I laugh and take his arm pulling him out the door.
"When I saw all the guys in your living room I was a little worried they were going to intimidate me into not so much as looking at you," Eli remarks. I laugh as Eli opens Morty's passenger door for me and I slide in. He goes around to the driver's side and starts up his car.
"Lucas has the night off, so they're all going out tonight. They met at our house and insisted on being there when you came to get me, I have no idea why."
"I thought my parents were lenient but your curfew is even later than mine."
"Probably because Lucas is not my parent, he's great but enforcing rules and boundaries is not his strong point."
"Yeah, I guess that makes sense. My dad's not all that great at it either, but he was a bigger trouble maker than I am."
"Yeah, Lucas caused a lot of trouble in his day, they all did really. Well, I don't know about Drew, we can ask Adam though."
"True," Eli smirks. "So, I was thinking the museum first, unless you're hungry now?"
"I'm not hungry, the museum first sounds good."
We spend a couple of hours at the museum looking at the various exhibits and talking about them. By the time we leave I am hungry and we walk down to a Thai restaurant. We don't talk much over dinner but the food is good and I enjoy my time with Eli. After Eli pays for dinner we walk down to the bookstore. Eli heads for the graphic novel section and I follow him. You have to pass the café to get there and a hunched figure at a corner table catches my attention. I can't see his face but I know it's Bruce, I freeze and I grab Eli's arm.
"Clare are you okay?" Eli asks and Bruce turns around at the sound of my name. He sees me and his lips spread his face in a wicked smile. He winks at me and kisses the air in my direction.
My heart is pounding, I feel all the blood drain from my face, I'm shaking, tears are building in my eyes fast. I can't talk, can't breathe, and all I want to do is get out of there and far away from Bruce.
"Clare?" Eli asks again.
I can't respond, my eyes are locked with Bruce and it's as though every bad feeling he ever made me feel floods me at once. Instinct takes over and I let go of Eli turn and run, as fast and hard as I can. I have no idea where I'm going, I just need to be far away from Bruce.
"CLARE WAIT," I hear Eli call but I don't stop. I'm not thinking rationally anymore, I'm just thinking that I need to be away from Bruce. I turn down an alley, run down the street, turn down another and another, until I'm not even sure where I am anymore. I lean against the side of the building trying to breathe but I can't, and all I can think is that I need Fitz, and I need Lucas and everyone else. So, I get out my phone and call Lucas.
"Having a bad date?" Lucas asks when he answers.
"Bruce…was…bookstore…I c…can't…" I stutter through my tears, unable to even make a complete sentence let alone coherent one. Though I'm sure Bruce was all I needed to say.
"We're coming, where are you?"
"Not sure," I manage to get out. Knowing they're coming I'm feeling ever so slightly better.
"How are you not sure?" Lucas questions with worry in his tone. I hear a muffled voice behind Lucas and then a new voice comes on the line.
"Clare, you can share you're location, do you know how to do that?" Drew asks in a calm voice.
"Yes," I whisper pulling the phone from my ear. I should have thought of that but my brain is a little overwhelmed right now and I'm pretty much running on instinct. I open maps and share my location with Lucas, Fitz and Johnny to be safe.
"Got it," I hear Lucas and the others say and then Lucas is back on the phone. "You're outside a store, go inside the store. I'll stay on the phone with you until we're there to be safe."
"Okay," I nod. I walk around to the front of the store and go in, "I'm inside."
"Good, we're on our way," Lucas tells me.
"Hurry," I request.
"We're close we'll be there soon," Lucas assures me.
I can feel the people in the store watching me, I'm sure I look like a mess. Frantic, crying, shaking, hardly breathing, and on the phone. I don't care what they think, I just want Lucas and the others here. Lucas stays on the phone, mostly telling me where they are and how close they are. When I see the two cars pull up I leave the store, hang up the phone and run out. The backdoor to one car opens and I slide in, Lucas is driving, Johnny is in the front seat and Fitz in back. I buckle up and Fitz puts his arm around me.
"We're going home, everyone is going to hang out, they can even stay the night, Mom is out with friends," Lucas tells me.
I nod and wipe my tears, I finally feel safe, Bruce can't get me now. My heartrate and breathing begin to return to normal. I stop shaking feeling the solace of Fitz's arm around me, I want so badly to slide over and be in his lap so he can completely shield me. I can't at the moment but I put my head on his shoulder and he strokes my hair. Now that I'm calming down rational thought is returning and I remember leaving my date and running from him.
"Eli!" I gasp picking my head up from Fitz's shoulder. "I just ran, I left him there and just ran out. He must think I'm crazy, he must hate me."
"Drew texted Adam to let Eli know what happened. I'm sure Adam won't betray the secret but will tell Eli just enough to keep him from hating you or thinking you're crazy," Johnny assure me.
I nod and put my head back on Fitz's shoulder, I keep it there until Lucas parks at the house. We get out of the car and go inside, I tell them I'm going to go change and go to my room. I pull my phone from my purse and see a missed text from Adam.
Adam: I called Eli and told him Lucas the others were on their way to get you and you were safe. I said he should go home and not worry about you tonight. He asked why you ran and I said you saw someone you were afraid of, but I couldn't tell him anymore than that. If you wanted to tell him it was up to you. He felt bad, but I told him it wasn't his fault. I'd ask how you are, but I know everyone is with you. Call me if you need to tonight.
Clare: Thanks Adam, I feel bad for running out, I just reacted.
I set my phone down and begin to change, when I hear the text sound I look at my phone again.
Adam: Don't feel bad Clare it's not your fault. Eli will understand. I'm just glad you're safe. Drew just got permission from Mom to stay the night. Owen and Spinner told him a condensed version while they were on their way to get you. I hope that's okay?
Clare: That's fine, I'm sure he's heard rumors and he's your brother. I'm sure he's heard us talking late at night after my nightmares too. Thanks for everything Adam, I'll talk to you later.
I set down my phone, I plan to leave it on my bed. I'm not ready to talk to Eli if he calls or texts. I finish changing into pajamas and leave my room to join the guys. They have ice cream out and a movie cued up. Another girl might be embarrassed to be in a group of guys wearing blue pajama pants with waffles on them and a matching blue short sleeve button up top. Not me, I feel comfortable and safe, no one is looking at me like I'm something to eat. Everyone is giving me cautious smiles, Lucas comes over and hugs me.
"You want some ice cream?" Lucas asks and I nod.
"I'll get it Clare, I know what you like," Fitz says.
"Thanks."
"Spin and Owen told me about Bruce, and Adam told me he shared his experience with you," Drew says rubbing the back of his neck. "Just want you to know if you need anything I'm here."
"Thanks Drew, I appreciate it, Adam's been a lot of help."
"Yeah, guess it explains all those late night phone calls, but it's good you have each other to talk to."
"It is," I smile thinking of my friend, "Alli knows everything too, and Sav. Evelyn of course, and everyone in this room, but no one else."
"Don't worry, I won't say anything," Drew assures me flashing me that goofy grin.
"Thanks, and thanks for asking Adam to talk to Eli. I just ran, I wasn't thinking at all."
"No problem, and I think you reacted as anyone would have. Eli will understand no matter what you tell him, and if he doesn't he's not worth your time anyway," Drew comments.
I smile at him just as Fitz brings my ice cream. I sit on the sofa between Lucas and Fitz, Owen starts the movie. We all stay up all night watching movies, no one sleeps. Sometimes one of the guys would drift off during a movie but then he'd wake up again. A little after five when the current movie ends we go to the kitchen and make breakfast. We make a lot of pancakes and coffee. Soon after breakfast everyone begins to go home. Drew leaves first, and Johnny takes him home. Owen and Spin leave shortly after they do, but Fitz stays.
Lucas has to work tonight, so when the others leave he goes to his room and gets some sleep. Fitz stays all day with me, and I'm grateful for it. He goes home only to get clothes and returns before Lucas goes to work. Fitz stays the night and worried what kind of nightmares I'll have after seeing Bruce I ask Fitz to sleep in my bed. I'm glad I did because even with Fitz there I have a horrible nightmare and am afraid to sleep the rest of the night. Fitz takes us to school the next morning and the first person I see is Eli.
"I need to talk to him," I tell Fitz.
"Do you want me to come with you?" Fitz offers. I'm about to say yes when I see Drew and Adam pull in.
"Adam can come with me, he's Eli's friend too," I reply. Fitz nods and we wait for the Torres brothers to come to the steps. "Hi Adam, hi Drew. Adam will you come with me to talk to Eli?"
"Of course," Adam smiles.
The four of us walk inside, Drew and Fitz parting from us once we're in the doors. When Adam and I are alone Eli approaches nervously.
"I'm sorry about our date Eli, could we talk somewhere private? Well, private but with Adam," I stipulate.
"Sure, umm, know of anywhere private in this school?" Eli asks looking into the memorial garden with it's walls of glass.
"I know how to get to the roof," I tell them and they follow me up to the roof. "I'm sure you've heard the rumors around school about me and my foster brother?"
"Yeah, a lot of them and they vary pretty dramatically."
"The truth is a few months after he was living with us, and had pretty much ignored me since moving in, he began coming in my room at night. He started molesting me and it quickly led to rape. I don't want to go into all the details right now, really ever again, but he was in prison until recently when he was released. I saw him at the bookstore last night, for the first time in months, the first time since it came out and I was petrified. I'm sorry I ran without explanation but…"
"It's okay," Eli says interrupting me, "I understand why you did and I'm not upset. I was just worried about you."
"I'd like to tell you I'm okay, but the truth is I have no idea. Seeing him brought up a lot, feelings and fears that were just buried under the surface. I was having fun on our date, and I do like you Eli, but I don't know if I'm ready for…well anything right now. I have no idea when I will be, but I hope we can remain friends?"
"I'd like that," Eli says with the first genuine smile I think I've seen cross his lips, "and to be honest I'm not sure I'm ready for anything again either. I really like you Clare, you're beautiful and smart, made me feel things I haven't in a long time." He pauses taking a deep breath before saying something I wasn't expecting, "Last year I killed my girlfriend."
"WHAT?!" Adam and I exclaim together.
"We were in love, we'd been together almost two years and she practically lived at my house because she didn't get along with her mom. One stormy night we had a fight and she ran out upset, ran into the street and got hit by a car. She died on the way to the hospital."
"That's why you drive the hearse?" Adam asks.
"Yeah, kind of. I thought I was ready to date again, but when you ran away last night all I could think about was Julia. I need more time too, but being friends is good. We'll be the three DeGrassi misfits, no relationships, lots of rumors floating around," Eli smirks and we smile.
"The misfits, I like it," I grin.
"Me too," Adam says.
"I'm sorry you lost your girlfriend Eli."
"I'm sorry your foster brother brutalized you," Eli replies pulling me and Adam into a hug.
(FITZ)
"How is she?" I ask Lucas coming into the house.
Clare had her fist deposition today. Since her date with Eli six weeks ago, and seeing Bruce at the café, she's been teetering on the edge. She hasn't seen Bruce again since then, she has become fast and good friends with Adam and Eli. Johnny, Owen, Spin, Drew and I are always happy to hang out and help too.
Clare spends time with Alli, and sometimes spends a weekend night at the Bhandari's when Lucas has to work. Clare's also gotten pretty close to Bianca, they hang out a lot. I don't think they talk about their experiences but they've been getting close. It's good for both of them to have another female friend, neither of them have many. In fact, aside from Bianca I think Alli is Clare's only other close female friend. Well, excluding Jane, but she's more of a sister than a friend, she's also in California.
Clare's had a lot of nightmares, when Lucas has to work I usually stay the night, even then she sometimes calls Adam in the middle of the night to talk. Lucas has to work tonight and we knew the deposition would bring up a lot for Clare. I offered to stay and be here with her and they both wanted me here.
"I don't know, she wanted to shower as soon as we got home. She was crying and would hardly look at me. This isn't even the trial, that's going to be so hard for her, I wish she didn't have to go through it," Lucas comments.
"Clare's strong, she'll get through it, and we'll all be there for her," I assure Lucas patting his shoulder.
"There's some frozen pizzas if you're hungry, and pasta. You can order something too, I don't know how hungry she'll be," Lucas tells me. I open my mouth to reply, but close it when we hear a sound on the stairs. Clare appears on the stairs, she's in her favorite waffle pajamas, they were a gift from Evelyn shortly after Clare moved in. She's biting her lip, I can see that she was crying, but she forces herself to smile as she descends the stairs.
"I have to get to work, if you need me call me," Lucas remarks grabbing his keys from the hook.
"I'll be fine, Fitz is here," she assures him. Clare stands on her tiptoes to kiss his cheek and he hugs her tight. "Be careful at work," she says.
"We'll see you in the morning," I comment as he leaves.
"Are you hungry?" I ask her.
"Not really, I should probably start on my homework," she replies in a small voice.
"I'll get the oven heated up for a frozen pizza, maybe by the time the pizza is done you'll be hungry. Why don't you turn on the TV and get out your homework."
She nods and sits on the sofa while I go into the kitchen. I preheat the oven and pull a frozen pizza from the freezer. I have a little homework left and I sit on the sofa getting out my math book. Clare doesn't say anything, just sits and does her homework. When I do take the pizza from the oven and bring her a plate she eats a little. Evelyn comes home while we're eating, she kisses the top of Clare's head and caresses my cheek in a motherly way.
"How was the deposition Sweetie?" Evelyn asks Clare.
Clare responds with a shrug.
"There's some left over pizza if you're hungry," I offer Evelyn.
"I'll leave that for you kids, I have some soup I can heat up."
Evelyn goes upstairs and returns a moment later having changed out of her work clothes. She goes into the kitchen and I hear her getting a pot on the stove. Clare and I finish our homework and she leans against me watching TV. When I finish my homework I put my arm around her and she leans into my chest. Evelyn eats and wishes us goodnight as she goes up to her room.
"Do you want to talk about it?" I ask Clare after a few minutes of silence.
"Not really," she shakes her head.
"What do you want Clare? We can do anything you want tonight."
She reaches for the remote and pauses the TV, then turns to face me. Her eyes are intense, sad, hurt and desperate all at once. I almost expect her to hit me with the intense look in her eyes.
"I want," she says in such a quiet voice I almost don't' hear her, "to not have Bruce in my head anymore. I want to not be afraid anymore that I'll see him around every corner. That I'll see him smiling at me, and looking at me the way he did in the bookstore. I want to feel something other than fear, than anger, shame, degraded and humiliated because of what he did." Her voice started out so quiet and in such contrast to the intensity in her eyes. The more she talked, the louder and fiercely passionate her voice got.
"He won't always be in your head Clare," I assure her.
"Then when will he leave, because it's been months and he hasn't yet. After seeing him at the bookstore, and the closer it gets to trial the louder he is in my head, the more I hear him and I don't know how to make it stop. I just want it to stop, I want him to shut up, to stop telling me he's doing me a favor by raping me because no one else will ever want me. I want to stop feeling his hands on me, his lips, his…" she stops choking on the last word and bursts into tears.
She falls into my arms and I circle them around her, holding her tight, hugging her to my chest. She's sobbing hard, I stroke her hair and her back, doing my best to soothe her. I'm not sure it's working, not sure anything can truly comfort her after what she's been through.
"He won't always be in your head Clare," I tell her when her sobbing has calmed to the point I think she can hear me. "You can help push him out though, if you let him take over he will. Push him out Clare, you're strong you can win no matter how the trial turns out."
"How?" She asks. I hardly hear the question because she's talking into my chest and still sobbing. I gently lift her head and force her to look at me.
"Fight him out, you're holding onto everything that happened, you hardly even talk about it."
"I hate talking about it, I have to relive it when I talk about it. I have to do that in the depositions, I'll have to do it at trial. I don't want to talk about it and relive every detail. Every time I have to talk about it I feel dirty and degraded all over again."
"Then don't talk about it, you can express the pain in other ways but you have to get it out or it festers inside of you. You're a writer and a dancer, use those. Write about it, it doesn't have to be every detail of what you went through. Write about how it made you feel, or what you wish would happen to Bruce. It doesn't even have to make sense, write whatever's on your mind at the time in one long sentence, the point is to get it out. If you feel like writing would be too hard then dance. Dance is an expression, use it, if you can't write down how you feel then express yourself through movement, but get it out. The more you express it and get it out the less Bruce will be in your head and the less power he has over you."
I wait for her to reply, she's biting her lip, thinking about everything I just said. I wait for a reply, for her to tell me she wants to write or needs to dance. Or even that she can't do that, that she can't write about it all and doesn't know how to put it into a dance. When she does finally speak she says the last thing I ever expected her to say.
"Will you kiss me?"
"What?" I question, certain I didn't hear her correctly, she couldn't possibly have just asked me to kiss her, right?
"Will you kiss me? I want to be kissed, really kissed. Bruce never kissed me, not on the lips, I don't know why but I'm thankful for it. Even with K.C. we only ever pecked, not a real kiss. I trust you Fitz and I want you to kiss me, really kiss me. For days I've felt all the things Bruce ever did to me, the ways he touched me, because it's all I've known that way. I'm not ready for sex, nor would I want to do so on the sofa with Evelyn upstairs. I know you care about me, even if you don't feel like that about me. Even so I think if you really kissed me and I felt it, maybe it would remove some of that. I need to feel something else Fitz, so please kiss me."
What she doesn't know, what she couldn't know, is that I've had a crush on her since summer. I never said anything not even to Owen, I couldn't, she was still going through so much. She was comfortable with me, with Owen and Johnny, and Lucas of course, but comfortable in a sibling like way, friends. To push that boundary, to even suggest crossing that line with her was something I couldn't do. Now she's nearly sitting on my lap, in my arms and pleading with me to kiss her, to give her a real kiss.
I'm afraid if I say anything my voice will falter and I'll betray myself. So, I gently comb my fingers into her hair, waiting for her to push me away or to say stop. She doesn't, she starts moving closer and when our lips touch months of desire overtake me. I deepen the kiss, possessing her mouth with mine, still waiting for her to hit me, to push me away. Instead she grips my shoulder and her lips welcome mine, she almost seems to melt into the passion. I want so much more, but she's hurting already and pushing her could break her. I won't do that, not to her, not ever, and so as much it pains me to pull away from the touch of her lips and break the kiss I do.
"How do you feel?" I ask her releasing a breath.
"It's hard to describe," she says and I worry that I pushed and she's feeling bad and degraded again. My face must fall because she smiles and cups my cheek. "All good things, things no one else has ever made me feel. I'm just not sure how to put it into words, all that I'm feeling."
I smile and take her hand with mine interlacing our fingers, "As long as it's good that's all that matters."
"How do you know it will help?" She asks. I think she means the kiss because that's what we just did. I blink at her confused as she asked me to kiss her. "Expressing what I'm feeling by writing or dancing," she clarifies.
I lie my head back on the sofa closing my eyes, even now it's hard to remember. "My stepdad, and stepbrother too, have always used me as a punching bag. I'd fight back with my stepbrother because we were the same age, but not with my stepdad. It was always bad, but one night he was drunk and accused me of stealing money from him. His son had stolen it not me. He didn't care, he beat me with the buckle side of his belt, his fists, even hit me with a cast iron pan breaking my jaw. When I was down on the floor, broken and bloody, he was hitting me and kicking me, I was just wishing for death. He kicked me particularly hard in the ribs, breaking a few, it was hard to breath and I passed out."
"I'm so sorry he did that to you Fitz, treated you that way, you deserve so much more," she says stroking my face softly. I look up at her now, taking her hand and kiss her fingertips.
"I woke up in the hospital, a Children's Aide advocate came and told me my stepdad was arrested. I spent two weeks in the hospital, eight weeks with my jaw wired shut so it could heal. Three broken ribs, a broken wrist, a lot of bruises and when I got out I was put into a foster home. Not once did my mom come to see me. My stepdad made bail and fled, no one's seen him and that was almost five years ago now. My stepbrother was put into a group home. My mom was arrested on criminal neglect, all her parental rights taken and she spent two years in jail. I haven't seen or heard from her in years, not since before the beating. Anyway, I was left with a lot of anger, feelings of betrayal and abandonment. I had mandated therapy, my therapist was cool, I liked him but talking wasn't easy. It was hard for me to get what I felt into words. We had a lot of silent sessions, then one day he told me if I couldn't talk about it I didn't have to, but I needed to get the feelings out somehow. If they stayed inside they would fester and build until they exploded and that could mean very bad things."
"Did you write and dance too?" She asks and I chuckle a little.
"No, I'm a terrible writer and a terrible dancer. I wasn't sure what to do at first, but my foster family was cool and the dad has a home gym he lets me use. One night I was in there punching the punching bag and it started taking the shape of my stepdad. I wanted to hurt him like he hurt me and I just kept hitting the bag. It helped, getting all that anger out it helped. Just for the anger though, for everything else I drew pictures, I don't think I'm that good, but it helped. One day my foster mom brought me home some paints and charcoals and I would make all these abstract pictures with different colors, swirled around in abstract shapes. I felt like I was putting all my feelings onto the page, even if no one else could see what I saw. That helped too, more than trying to put my feelings into words for a therapist."
"I'm glad your foster parents were able to help you."
"Yeah, me too, Doug and Judy, they're great and I still live with them. Actually, they adopted me two years ago. I'm really grateful for them, but sometimes nightmares still happen. Especially around the anniversary of the beating. I hate feeling that way again, but I know how to get the feelings out now."
Clare smiles softly, then rolls her lower lip between her teeth. After a few seconds she releases it with small sigh, "I want to try and write, will you stay with me?"
"Of course," I grin.
"Let's go up to my room," she says.
We turn off the TV and the lights, gathering our stuff we go up to her room. She sits at her desk and turns on her laptop, I sit on her bed playing on my phone. She writes for hours without stopping, I get ready for bed and continue playing on my phone until eventually I fall asleep. I wake to a pair of lips on my cheek, my eyes open and meet Clare's, she almost looks giddy.
"You were right, I wrote for hours and hours, I couldn't stop. I'm pretty sure most of it's gibberish, but it helped, getting it all out. In a way it made me feel…powerful."
"It should, it's power you have over Bruce that he can't take away from you. You should get some sleep though, it's late and we have school."
She turns out the light and gets into bed, she starts on her back but rolls on her side to face me. "I'm glad you were with me tonight, I needed that kiss, but I wouldn't have wanted it to be Owen or Johnny, just you."
I can't help the smile that spreads over my face when she says it. "Me too Clare, I wouldn't have wanted anyone else to give you the kiss you needed."
"I always feel safe with you Fitz, guarded and nurtured and…unafraid. When I'm with you I just feel good."
"I'm glad Clare," I smile combing my fingers into her hair.
"The kiss, I needed it but I also felt…more in it, the way I feel in your arms, the way I always want you to sleep in my bed. I'm feeling a lot right now, and most of it is very confusing. I know I feel good when I'm with you, and I think I may have real feelings for you, but I'm not sure of anything right now, and probably won't be until after the trial. I think I felt something more in your kiss too, so before I go and try to sort my feelings I need to know how you feel."
"I've had a crush on you since summer Clare, but you were going through so much and I never want to hurt you or cause you pain. So, I never said anything or acted on my feelings. That you feel good when you're with me is all that matters to me Clare."
I wait for a response, but instead of saying anything her lips press to mine in a gentle and hopeful kiss.
***EPILOGUE***
"Merry Christmas Girlfriend," I greet Clare with a kiss as she lets me into the house.
Since that night at her house when we first kissed we've been growing closer. After Bruce's trial she told me she knew she had feelings for me and wanted to be with me. Lucas was happy for us, he knew I'd never hurt her and she was happy with me. After our first date I asked her to be my girlfriend and she said yes. Everyone, including Eli was happy for us, and I've never been so happy in my life.
With Bruce in prison Clare was beginning to heal. The weeks leading up to the trial and especially the trial were very hard on her. She had lots of support though and it helped her get through it. Bruce was found guilty on six counts including sexual battery and statutory rape. He was sentenced to fifteen years, knowing he couldn't get out even on parole until Clare was out of high school really helped her to feel safe.
One of the hardest things for Clare during the trial was seeing her parents again. They both wanted to talk to her but she didn't even want to see them. Lucas and the rest of us made sure her parents stayed away from Clare during the trial. One day she may heal enough to speak to them again, but right now she's written them out of her life.
"Merry Christmas Boyfriend, I hope you're hungry we made lots of food," she says pulling me toward the kitchen.
"Hey Fitz," everyone choruses as I enter.
Clare wanted to spend the holiday with everyone, we all spent Christmas morning with our families but have all gathered here for dinner. Evelyn and Lucas were here of course, Evelyn is chopping vegetables with Jane. She came home for Christmas and Clare was happy to have her here, even if she was sharing her room again. Lucas had his arm around Bianca, lying a soft kiss on her jaw. They began dating shortly after Halloween, it's the happiest I've seen either of them and they make a good couple.
"Daddy, I can't find my shoes," Izzy calls from the stairs. She came home for Christmas too, and I knew the whole family was glad to have her here. They hardly get to see her since she moved to Paris with Mia.
"I'll help her," Bianca says leaving Lucas' arms.
"Want to help me get the table set up Fitz? We have a lot of people," Lucas comments.
"Yeah, what sixteen of us all together?"
"Yep, more than we've ever had. We'll have to move the sofa."
Lucas and I start moving the sofa when Drew and Adam come in. They help us finish moving the sofa. Clare and Adam have become very close friends, they've even begun writing together. Adam had his own terrible experience, I don't know the details, but I know it was bad and that writing is helping him too. Drew has become very good friends with me, Owen, Johnny and Lucas. He's been there for Clare and is still dating her best girlfriend. Spin comes in next, he's been there for Clare too and is good friends with most of us.
Alli and Sav are the next ones through the door. Sav starts helping us set up the tables, just as Owen and Johnny do when they come in. The last one here is Eli, he has fresh baked bread with him and helps us set the table and set out all the chairs. Eli, Adam and Clare have become the best of friends, Eli's starting to get over his dead girlfriend, but hasn't really dated. Then again neither has Adam. I don't know if Clare would be my girlfriend if we hadn't kissed that night, if she didn't trust me the way she does. She may still be afraid to even try. I know Eli and Adam will find girls that they trust and want to be with in time. Clare, Eli and Adam are all very creative and they have a good friendship, sometimes it's like they're speaking their own language. I love that Clare has close friends like that.
"I'm glad you all could come tonight," Evelyn says when we're all sitting down. "I want to thank each of you for being there for Clare in the past months. I know it meant a lot to her, as it did to me, Lucas and Jane. I know you will continue to be there for her and each other. I know that you all mean a lot to Clare and we are so happy to have you all here for Christmas dinner."
Clare is tearing up but takes a deep breath and squeezes my hand before speaking. "I'm incredibly grateful for each and every one of you. I couldn't have gotten through the last several months without you. You've done so much for me, even if you didn't realize it. It's been a hard several months, but would have been much harder without all of you. If I express my thanks to each of you and everything I'm feeling we'll never eat. So let me just say I love you all and am glad you're here."
We all chorus her sentiments with "here, here" and people begin eating. Clare smiles at me and I kiss her temple. It's good to see her happy, relaxed and to see the healing light in her now. She's writing a lot and taking dance classes, Bianca is taking some of the same classes. I love watching Clare dance, she's graceful and beautiful, sometimes it's as though her feet don't even tough the floor. She and Bianca have even begun choreographing their own dances. Clare tells me sometimes it helps more than writing, dancing away the pain and putting her bad feelings into movement.
After dinner, while the others begin cleaning, I pull Clare up to her room for a moment alone. I pull a small box from my pocket and give it to her. She smiles and opens the box pulling out the bracelet I got for her. It's simple and silver but I had it engraved. I am strong. I am more than the events of my life. People love me.
"It's wonderful Fitz, thank you," she grins slipping it on.
"I wanted you to always remember these," I say touching the engraving, "no matter where you are or who you're with. I love you Clare Edwards."
Her smile grows and she grips my shirt joining our lips in a passionately loving kiss.
Hope you enjoyed this story, as intense as it was at times. Going up next is probably more chapters of "Two Boys Stand Before Me, Both of them Adore Me."
