(in which we soar across the galaxy)
(also this chapter inadvertently grew really big so ctrl+f between scene breaks is recommended if ya like your small bite-sized pieces)
So, Patchy had somethin' ta help me get into trouble, dude. By which I mean she sent me somewhere, with Koakuma leading the way. Maria's stickin' back to receive the basic trainin' yo, and Genkan's been lumped with us despite her nap request. I dunno how that works out.
And by somewhere, I mean, we're heading to the cellar to meet our fluffy friend!
"If these rooms we're passing are all guest bedrooms…" Genkan looks jaded as we progress down the halls. "Why can I not use any of them?"
"Because you touch yourself at night." Koakuma stares at her neutrally.
...Genkan furrows her brows! "That's- that's awfully presumptuous of you…"
"I touch myself at night." Ha-chan, what the fu- "It's kinda hard not to. I mean, sometimes I'm on my side, and my arms are right there… so they touch each other!"
...Koakuma looks like she wants to strangle 'er then and there!
Speakin' a succubi, she's not been sayin' much 'a anything ta me as she's lead, which has been fun. But I'mma say stuff ta her now, yo. "Not tryin'a jump my shit for once, huh…?"
She gives me a dour sideward look before continuing forward. "Mistress'd throw me through the ringer. Especially since she's sending you somewhere directly. I'm horny, not retarded."
These fairies could've fooled me, dude…! Actually, I think they have. Wait, if horny's synonymous wit' retarded, what's that make me…
"You would also be attacked by us." Genkan looms towards the succubus…! "We don't take kindly to rapists." You know, I think that applies to most people…
"Yeah!" Ha-chan balls her fists and yells with her! "No rapers!" Ha-chan, you are a rapist…!
Fairies and rabbits; we don't usually get mad at those rapists…! Then again, they sort of mean well. Sometimes. Koakuma eats people's souls. Or something like that.
But horny doesn't mean retarded!
"I agree with you fully." I agree with Koakuma fully. "We horny people should stick together."
She flips me off…! "You're not horny, you stupid fuck. I've tried to rape you... at least like ten or twenty times now. You're the most dysfunctional piece of crap that's ever walked into this mansion." You're my friend too, Koakuma…!
...Genkan gives me a curious look! I just give 'er a grin back yo.
Crea~k. Bending over, Koakuma flips the weird slanted doorway into the cellar open. Y'know, the doorway that was weirdly metal and built halfway into the wall and the floor, becomin' a stairway.
"That's not very nice." Ha-chan moves to mingle with the Koakuma-
"Stop staring at my ass and get the hell in here." Ignoring her, Koakuma beckons us to follow her! "I know you want to suck my tits, yuki-bitch, but it can wait."
"...What did I do to warrant that?" Genkan looks a little bemused as she watches her move!
Freakin'... tiny stairs. "I wasn't staring dude." I protest as we rumble down the tiny old stairs into the freakin'... cellar. "I was tryin'a stare into the all-encompassing darkness of the basement, but your ass got in the way...!"
The stairway's dark until we get to the NES puzzle of destiny, which was all lit up with uniformly placed torches on the stone walls 'n' stuff.
"...This is different." Staring at the crossroads of eternal torment, Genkan was curious at the change in background.
"Don't wander o~ff." Succu-friend warns of the dangers of the labyrinth! "Or you'll get lost."
...I will obtain the status of lost, dude. "What if I wanna find lost? What if Lost's hurt, dude!?"
My train of thought's lost Koakuma entirely. She just stares at me with the most jaded of expressions. "...What the fuck are you talking about?"
Let's actually explain the joke to her! "...Well, y'see, you said get lost, and 'get' can also mean-"
"Nevermind." Koakuma floats ahead! "We're almost there anyway, so you'd better shut up, or Flandre'll eat you."
Ohoh. "Flan cakes…" I echo this sentiment gingerly, dude.
"...Flandre?" Oh, shit, she spilled the beans to Genkan. "Who's that?"
Ha-chan's quiet in the background, hands held to her mouth...
...Koakuma puckers her lips innocently, whirling back to us. "...Wow. Um. My cousin."
Sellin' yourself a little high there…! "She's a cake salesperson."
"Yes, that." Nodding vigorously, Koakuma grins and continues to whirl ahead of us…!
After some brief labyrinth jaunting, we reach the quaint little door into Flandre's lair-
Fwhip. -and Koakuma fwhips back on me, sliding away from the door. She's left cherry blossoms in her wake for some unknowable reason. "Al~right. You play nice with the little mistress no~w." She's pretty happy all of a sudden, too!
Ha-chan's holding up a broom now, for some reason. I dunno where she found it, but she looks really resolute all of a sudden...
I nod the good nod, dude! "Yeah, yo!" Turnin', I whip the door open-
"Make sure you ask to play laser ta~g!" Koakuma yells at me as she accelerates back into the hall maze!
...While I stare inside, Genkan speaks quieter as she proceeds up beside me, crouching slightly to make her way through the door easier. "Who's this Flandre?"
"Take a look, dude!" I step on into the good room!
Again, as opposed to the terribad crumbling cellar stuff behind us, the Flandre room is nice and ornate, with marbled flooring and now blue wallpaper, with some neat symbolic designs on it.
She looks up, sitting at her poofy bed, and smiles at me! "Oh, hey! Brad!" She even remembered not to call me Bread, Brett, Bard or Darb, as people tend to when I haven't seen them in awhile! Some people also call me dead, dude.
"Hehe~y!" She's the fluffiest of the fluff! I wa~ve.
"A- ah…" Genkan's face lights up in disbelief…!
"Oh, cool! You brought a friend! A fairy and a friend!" Flandre did a small leap from her bed, and proceeded to look like the fluffiest person on planet Earth. "An' I heard somethin' about laser tag…"
Oh god, what is laser tag to Flandre. "Oh- yeah! Koakuma told us to play… taser lag- oh fuck- wait no…!" Taser lag might be an even worse game idea, if not the worst game idea…!
"No, I definitely heard laser tag." She shook her head with a smile, dude. "I just gotta put on my sunscreen first. It's really hot up there." Wat.
"Bra- Brad…" Genkan huddles up to me! That's new. Yo whaddup- "You… you know who this is, right?"
I nod at her. "She's fluffy Flandre, dude. She's really soft."
...This seems to adequately calm Genkan down, and she de-hunches. "...Soft, you say."
Yeah, dude. Lemme just-
Thunk. Ha-chan hit Flandre in the head with the broom. "I'll stop yo~u!"
...Flandre doesn't even react, staring up at the weapon of cleaning destruction.
Still vaguely apprehensive, Genkan observes the vampire's static stare up at the broom. "So she's the sister…"
"You know my sister!?" Flandre suddenly beams at her! Ooh, she's taken out a little bottle of sunscreen…! "Cool!"
Thunk. Ha-chan hit her again. "Don't hurt my-"
THUNK! Flandre clonked her in the head with the sunscreen bottle! "Hehehe~! Here, lemme lather you up-"
While Ha-chan stumbled to the side, she dropped the broom and- "Waa~h!" -started crying and wailing openly, apparently...!
BAM! Pi~chun! Flandre smashed the bottle so hard against her head that not only did Ha-chan explode, but the bottle exploded into a pile of goo all over the vampire's hand. Oh, okay…!
"Mm- mmrm…!" Genkan visibly bristles at the show of power! "Bra- Brad, uhm…" Yeah- don't ask me!
"Fairies, fairies, fairies…" Shaking her head gingerly, Flandre proceeded towards us, lathering up her arms with the insane clump of magic glue-esque purple crap. "They're cool, aren't they?"
Genkan's arms flinch up a little at the vampire's sudden presence, but then she relaxes. "...You're… quite… soft." For some reason, she chooses to copy my vocabulary instead of say anything more contextual to her.
...Giving her a sideways fluffy examining stare, Flandre went back to rubbing lotion on her arms. "I get that from fairies, when I hug 'em and not box 'em. They're really soft too, you know. An' they don't break for good, either!"
Genkan holds a hand to her mouth at that last part, before looking at me! Using her offhand, she jerks it towards the door, eyes expressing dread and vain.
I shake my head, and mouth 'friend' and point at the fluffy vampire.
...Again, Genkan relaxes, staring back at the vampire somewhat dourly. "So… uhm. Laser tag."
"Sunscreen?" She offers sunscreen to both of us, holding the exploded goo clump out.
Aw. "What SPF is it, dude?" I ask her the fun question…
"A lot." She grins at me…! Hoh! Now that I pay more attention to it, that stuff looks as thick as peanut butter, although she still managed to rub it into a fine invisible tint on her exposed skin.
"I'll be okay, I believe." Genkan believes she'll be okay, dude.
"I'm cool, dude." I have a sun resistant helmet. I wonder how well that works for vampires.
Then she faces the air between me and the yuki-friend. "What about you?" ...Ah?
Who's she… who's she talkin' to.
...After a moment, she shrugs whatever that was off. "Oka~y…" Stepping between us with the smuggest face, Flandre holds her arms out. "C'mere guys."
Fwi~zzh. All the goo still on her hands and not rubbed in decided to evaporate instantly.
Oh- wait! I just saw Seikatsu's form flicker! Aaah. That's who she was talkin' to. My invisible robot helper buddy.
...Darting her gaze about the vampire, Genkan raises her brows, folding her arms defensively. "Why should we… come to you?"
"I'm gonna take us to laser tag." I have no idea what the hell she means by that.
...I grin at Genkan! She's shakin' her head…!
Positioning myself next to Flandre, I give a thumbs up. "I am ready!"
"Brad…!? We- well, I'm not." Proceeding back slightly, Genkan looks the vainest…! "I don't really know about-"
"Aww~, c'mon." Flandre beckons her once more! "It's really pretty and fun!"
Usin' my hands, I beckon too! "Yeah, dude! It's… laser-y and tag-y." I dunno what I'm signing up for, but I'm sure it'll be a good time! I mean, Patchy recommended us to come here, unless she was planning to kill us and train Maria herself all along. She probably coulda just done that the easy way and casted doom on us.
...Aww. Genkan just like… just kinda compactly proceeds towards us. She's really afraid of Flandre, for some reason. "I- I don't see how this helps me sleep. Unless-"
Once she's in range, Flandre locks her arm onto the yuki-onna! "Alright! We're ready for liftoff!" Liftoff…!?
"We- we've been set up!" Genkan comes to the same epiphany I did, and is worried about it! "Brad! We- need to-"
Fwa~sh! Flandre froze solid...!
"We've got to get out of here…!" Genkan tried to struggle from the frozen vampire's arms, but found it difficult! "No! Nnh…!"
"Hoh, shit…!" I'm not quite panicked by Flandre, but I'm panicking with her to be panicked! "Oh boy-"
CRA~CK! The ice around Flandre shatters instantly, and she begins ascending! "Oh boy!"
Froo~m! Her wings make a cartoony jet noise as we slowly ascend…!
FWA~M! The wings light up with the colors of the rainbow-
Drawing her time sword, Flandre thrusts it upwards-
VHUHUHUAM…I dunno what kinda noise that was supposed to be. The roof above us began to turn black, a small cone of that lucid, light-defying substance her new sword's made of flowing into it.
In the next moment, the cone was gone, and so was the sword. "Alri~ght! Here we go!"
"Let me go!" Genkan kicks at the air, her kimono flailing with her!
FROO~M! Holy shit-
Pap- pap- pap- pap! We soar straight through multiple layers of mushy matter, all the ceilings above us now decayed wood and carpentry, rather than painful solid stuff. We clear multiple floors of scarlet hallway, when-
PAP! We clear the ceiling layer, and leave the mansion entirely…!
"Ha- aah…!" Genkan's freakin' out! "Wha-...!?"
Very quickly, all I can hear is the violent whipping of wind and Flandre's wings roaring like freakin' rockets…!
I look over at Genkan. Her eyes are wide and her mouth's agape!
"Holy shit!" I dunno what's going on either, but this is some shit…!
Fra- FRAA~M! Holy fuck! Flandre's accelerating, dude!
Ohp, I looked down. There's the mansion, way below us…! Like, way. Oh my god. Are we going out of bounds!? What's this shit!?
I may have cold resistance, but the wind's taking my breath away something fierce…! Like, holy crap...
...Looking around the forest tops below, sighting the Hakurei Shrine and the village and the freakin' mountain in the distance- I can even see the Moriya Shrine up there, we're almost level with it-
I see a white-haired cloud fairy rush up aside us. She's clad in a buncha greys and whites, and looking particularly smug.
"Wh- gaugh…" Wind kills what I wanted to yell! Holy cra~p…!
...Looking to her side, Flandre sees her. "He~y!"
...The fairy gains an aggressive smug grin, then just roars up ahead of us even faster than we're going.
Moving to pass it-
BOOM! Holy shit. It just explodes above us, becoming a small cloud of explosion matter. Woaa~h!
"Hehehe~!" Flandre giggles louder than the wind itself around us, as we ascend up into the boundless aether. Holy freakin' shit- where are we going!? Where the fuck's the laser tag arena!? Position zero zero!?
...Looking down- the horizon has begun to eat the world below us. We're in the atmosphere now. Are we just leaving!?
Right before us, a big foggy cloud- but not really big big- rises. It's like a house-sized cloud, and it looks like it has some grey bricks built in a weird fort on it…
Oh, shit, yo. It's a cloud fairy fort. A buncha them peek out from the fort's misshapen windows, and more fairies float out from around the sides, aiming their arms at us-
FVRAA~R. Flandre fires scarlet beams from her eyes-
KABOO~M! We~ll. The fort's gone. It exploded into a yellow firework of bricks and scattered clouds, most of the fairies nowhere to be found…!
"Mist-cha~n! Aaa~h!"
"Oh no~!"
"Hahaha~nh…!"
...After a moment, their wails of discontent were silenced by the whipping wind as we soared freakin'...
The sky around us begins to turn a deep, navy blue. What in the fuck.
I look down again-
How far up are we. I can see like… plains. Mountains, and like- is that the edge of Japan to the right there…!?
...There're fairies up this high?
The stars are visible up here. Like really visible. We are leaving the fucking atmosphere.
Then, as we ascend-
CHIUU~M- CHIUU~M!
PATATATATAT!
BAM! BAM!
Loud noises echo around us as we enter some kind of freakin' laser zone, up above the clouds and the freakin' atmosphere itself-
This is the laser tag. I'm glad we at least found that. Where's the ground!? We're in the stratosphere!
FWAM- FWAM- FWAM! Before us, a myriad of fairies clad in white and black, holding pitch red sunflowers with static lighting explode into huge flower-shaped fireworks of red orbs-
Fwish! Oh, god. Flandre whips us around on spin cycle as she tumbles past the giant patterns of bullshit…
"Hehehe~!" I'm glad she's having fun…!
WOOSH! We whip right past the flank of an even bigger cloud fairy fort, which had these weird metallic cannons aimed out at the oddly colored fairies-
POW- POW- POW! Grids of shimmering sapphire squares stretched out into the space behind us. I dunno if it hit or killed anything because there's just so much noise.
The stars have vanished again, the red space we're flying in becoming pure black, entangled with these huge red lasers that are just fucking everywhere, making perfect rectangular sectors out of this big ass space we've flown into.
"So I found this place a few months ago~!" Flandre yells above reality its- freakin'- self as we roar ahead into this weird ass space. "Marisa showed me i~t!" Marisa goes this high!?
After a moment, the red lasers all around us dim. All around us in either direction is a sea of stars, the moon looking awfully big in the background above us.
"Oh, it's these gu~ys!" Who's these guys, Flandre!?
...Oh, woah. A huge cloud of fairies clad in dull greys with pastel blue hair drift towards us, their eyes all red and smiles all rather smug albeit contained.
Pat, pat, pat. They fire one little red bullet at a time. It's a very intricate, fancy red bullet, but a tiny one from each of them.
Fzt. Flandre shoots a single tiny eye beam at one-
BOOM- FASHOO~M! The fairy she killed explodes into a tiny fucking supernova, a rippling red laser zipping towards us with alarming speed-
Fwish! Flandre rolls out of the way again! "Now this is laser ta~g!"
...Genkan's just out there, dude. She's about as hysterical-looking as me right now…!
The grey-clothed fairies slowly float towards us, trying to bump into Flandre for obvious reasons. "I like your wi~ngs…"
"Vampire go boom, boom…!"
"Let's boom boom!"
"You guys sound so stupid…" The fairies talk weirdly quietly, but we can kinda hear them between the sounds of booms and violence. There's no more wind up here. We've left where the wind currents flow…!
FSHOOO~! One of the massive red lasers that's been in the background erupts right near us, cleaving into the big fairy cloud-
BRAAA~M…! They're becoming a fucking miniature sun…!
"Woo~!" Flandre beams with this primal, unrestrained glee as we freakin' soar across wherever the fuck in the aether we are.
FVHI~R! As we accelerate from the expanding supernova- which was gaining seismic rings around it- Flandre's wings begin making rainbow-colored lasers behind us as we sail ahead…
Fli- click. A fairy with massive, purple and red wings blooms from nothing before us, her body the size of the mansion fairies and a little bigger. "Hyah!" She thrusts her arms towards us-
Woo- woo- woo- woosh! Orbs with similar coloration- those are Reimu's blood bath yin-yangs…! She's sending yin-yangs at us!
FRAAA- FRAAA~! Flandre's eye lasers shoot down two, and she dips below two others- where is down!?
FRAA~M! She instant-kills this fairy once it teleports to a new location to our right, using her piercing eye beams to do so. "Heh- ha~ehahah!" She like gasped as she laughed for some reason...
...With that, we're now alone enough.
The red lasers suddenly shift to a blue color, even if they're still soundlessly splashing around and zipping about all around us.
Instead of the moon, we can see…
That's the Earth. The entire Earth. What, no.
...I turn to Flandre. "Whe- where the hell are we."
"Laser tag…" She replies innocently enough, giving me a pleasant face. "I entered the warp zone." The what zone.
...If the Earth is up, where's down.
Aoh. There's no down in laser space, just more lasers, and stars.
"What's… wha- what's that…?" Expression uneven and somewhat off-kilter, Genkan points up at the Earth.
I speak up! "That... is the Earth! All of it…!"
...She looks vaguely alarmed! I was about to say 'is she crying' but then I realized both of us have water coming from our eyes because of the massive wind fuckfest the upper atmosphere was, and it's not really like we've had an opportunity to wipe our wind-resistance tears.
"It's pretty big." Flandre observes with us, her face spotless because she's a freakin' vampire. "But not here! It's tiny here. But, someone said if I kyuu'd it, I would die, so I won't." Yes that's not a thing you should do. "I can't even find the eye of it anyway…" Oh. Yeah- good, you better not…!
So. Yeah. We're in outer fuckin' space. On the Touho~u… afternoo~n!
I trust Flandre knows how to get us back. We also haven't asphyxiated and died yet, so apparently there's heat and air wherever the hell we are. We must've teleported or fucking something, because I refuse to believe we traveled moon distance in like ten minutes.
FZHOOO~M! Also, giant fuckoff blue lasers.
"Oh, woah…!" Flandre coasts back from one that erupted right before us! "Hehe, yeah! You don't wanna go in those!"
"What... do they do…!?" Are we super fucked if one spawns in us…?
"They send you somewhere weird." Flandre informed me. "I had to get fished out of the last one I got caught in. Super weird." That doesn't fill me with confidence…
"Super… weird." Genkan just exhales. "I- I…"
Flandre faces her with vague concern! "Are you okay?"
"No." She glowers at the vampire…! "You put us in outer space!"
Flandre blinked, before smiling. "Oh, yeah! This is outer space, isn't it!?" Freakin', Flandre, c'mon…!
"Well. It's not quite outer space."
Fwoom. Oh- woah. Some girl appears before us. She's got a big red hat on, which I'm having difficulty placing between a super Santa hat and a red version of Link's hat. Maybe it's both! Also- she's clad in black and white like those fairies from before, and she's got freakin'... balls all over her dress, on the cloth's edges, which are kinda just around the thing. Wat kinda style is this. Space style…!?
"Holy shit, it's... a space alien." I point at the alien…!
...The blue-haired girl just crooks her neck a little. "How're you this time, Flandre?"
"Good!" Flandre beamed at her! "My friends here came to play laser tag with me."
By the way, this place has some kind of fucked up gravity to it. It kinda let up when the lasers switched, and right now it's really low so all our hair is flying around. Still, I wouldn't want to be let go just so I could fall to super death, the worst kind of death.
...The blue-haired woman chuckled a little. "You've scared them half to death, you know. A human, and a yuki-onna…?"
"Oh, right!" Flandre- whelp she fuckin' let go of us.
Genkan can fly, so she just wobbles around a little while getting used to low gravity. "Wa- aah…"
I am… slowly falling away!
Wait, low gravity… anti-grav boots I still got!
Crouching down as I slowly descend beneath Flandre and Genkan, I flick the boots on-
Ooo. Well, I stopped accelerating, but I'm still kinda going down.
…
"Yo!" Don't just let me-
Oh, woah. Something catches me and- woa~h my boots propel me off of it pretty hard…!
Looking down, I can see that a bed came up out of nowhere and stopped my fall. What the fuck…
And- ohp. Now I'm soaring up past the girls. Goodbye, world-
Genkan catches me this time! "Don't just take off here." You think I have a choice…!?
"How're you guys this evening?" Blue-haired aether girl asks us the casual question.
...It takes us a moment, but I reply! "Good, dude."
"It was day when we left." Genkan notes an inconsistency in her testimony!
The girl floated up to us and gave us the smuggest look. "It's not day up here, I can tell ya that much. It's not quite night, either."
It's nay, the worst time of day. The time when the space lasers come out to play.
"You're in the dream world." The woman informs us outright! "...I thought that route to it was closed up. But, if I did everything right, you should see the Earth above us."
"I see Mars." You've banished me to become a martian.
She shakes her head. "So that checks out."
...After she just stares at us for a moment, I speak again! "What the hell's a dream world."
"You go here when you dream." She explains it to me completely, dude. "This is where your dreaming self resides. However, I'm sure this place is more than you may've dreamt, plant hanger wielder." Wha- she knows dude.
...She looks over at the yuki-onna holding me. "It's nice that you've found that yuki-onna you've been dreaming about. My position always makes it a little vague, trying to see how things come together…"
Letting that information slide for the moment, Genkan questions her premises! "What is even going on. I just wanted to go to sleep..."
...The woman's smuggest smile gained renewed vigor. "Oh? You've come to the right place, technically."
...Letting her brows rise, Genkan realizes the irony. Oh man the irony. It's the thickest. The Tsar Bomba of irony. Patchy rea~lly set us the hell up, didn't she? Oh yeah, 'this will help with both'. Talk about gettin' into trouble…!
Hello Earth. You glow nice.
...
I went from America to Japan to freakin' outer space. I am in the most trouble dude.
"My name is Doremy." She tells us. Ah, yes. A common name of the space alien nationality. "I'll guide you out of here eventually, when you need me to. For now, however-"
"You're not gonna stop me! Run guys!" Flandre held her tongue out for a moment-
FWAM! -before rocketing off into the aether.
...Watching her leave, Doremy nodded. "While she plays with the fairies and the nightmare-bound souls, I believe I'll show you around…"
She turned to that big blue laser that was still roaring next to us. Holding out her arm-
FWISH. The side of the laser slid open like someone tore the fibers of a cloth, shimmering and perfectly angled energy dissipating as she opened the freakin' laser. Inside was a blur of weird worldly colors and light…
"Go on in." She invited us into the freakin' warp zone.
...Me an' Genkan exchange glances! "...Today couldn't get weirder." Dryly declaring this, she carries both me and herself towards the hole in the freakin' laser.
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
Where are we, exactly. This place is weird…!
...Wit' my gravity boots off again because floating around like a maniac doesn't help right now, me and Genkan step across some grass.
And then there's a Doremy, smiling at us as she emerged from nothing at all. "Hey. So basically, things will be kind of weird." I think you lie. Compared to what we just experienced, you've either got something fucking amazing to show us or you're tone deaf…!
"Things don't look weird right now." Genkan also observed, perhaps sarcastically! "...I have no worldly idea where we are. It's probably not a-"
"Worldly place?" With a smile, Doremy gingerly held out one of her arms to her side-
Woo~sh! Suddenly, blizzard in all directions…! The grass beneath us is gone, replaced by snow, and we can't see ten feet in front of us.
"O- oh, woah…" Genkan instantly perks up! "...Not what I initially sought. But... this is okay."
Yeah, it feels pretty good! My own ice resistance is making this pretty great…! It only took a trip to outer orbit to get here. Flandre is the entire mansion space program.
...Whipping wind and frost, dude.
Closing her eyes, Genkan seems to just exist in the midst of the blizzard for awhile, while we get molested by the fun wind that comes with a blizzard. She's takin' this whole extra-dimensional shit well enough!
Whenever the cold's really around me- like these blizzards, it just feels really good. Like… I both feel just happy, and it's like it's always the right temperature. Man, being a resistanceless human sucks, yo!
"A human…" Oh, woah, that's a new voice…! Well, not so new… wait…
A- pft- whah. Anotha' Genkan drifts out from the nearby flurries, holding her arms out vaguely as she floated. "Brad? And-..." The other Genkan widened her eyes.
Eyes snapping open, Genkan sized her up, before looking befuddled. "...Wha- what? Who are you?"
"...I'm you." The other Genkan declared! "I didn't expect to see you here."
"That's not possible…" Genkan refused to believe! "Who are you?"
Hello, Doremy! She just freakin' appears before us. "It is possible. She's the dream you."
...Genkan almost gained a jaded expression, but the snow convinced her of otherwise. "I… see."
Huh. Dude, where's dream me.
"I was counting on you taking a nap." Dream Genkan states plainly…! "I'm not sure how you screwed it up this horribly."
...Letting her arms sag a little, Genkan becomes displaced. "Well-... you'll know when I actually manage to take it. Um..."
She seems to realize the surreality of the situation, as she looks over at me!
"It's not everyday that this space changes when you're awake…" Holding her arms out, dream Genkan floats up a little as she takes in the great blizzard. It seems to have weirdly quieted, so we can actually hear one another. "So... this isn't all that bad."
"...Does nothing happen here when I'm awake?" Tilting her head, Genkan inquired of her other self…!
Confirming this, Dream Genkan shakes her head. "Not really. No. I just wait." With that, she began to unfasten her kimono. Wait, what.
...It takes Genkan a moment, but she protests this! "Stop. Why are you taking your clothes off?"
"The snow feels great." Dream Genkan replied to her bluntly. "I wish to feel it with my body again."
"Brad's right here." Genkan gestures to me! "Have you forgotten somehow?"
"And?" Shrugging off the potential awkwardness, Dream Genkan continues to disrobe…!
"That's improper…!" Genkan moves to stop her! "As in, you don't necessarily-"
"He can stare if he wants." Dream Genkan declares, pausing her disrobement. Hoh, shit…? "I don't really get why your opinion on that sort of thing is so lucid. I thought you didn't care about what humans- or anyone- thought of you?"
"Tha- that's… not true." Genkan furrowed her brows at her. "It depends on their person…"
"Don't be so fickle with your nature." Dream Genkan smiled at the real one… "You should appreciate the attention of those you care about, not fear the unknown." With that, she begins to loosen her arms, and the robes are almost totally off, a step from getting thrown off by the wind…! "Take time to search your subconscious, and embrace-"
Fwhoop! The moment the wind blows her kimono off, Doremy slides a big curtain before her. "Hehehe~y!"
Freakin'...! "Yo!" What's wit' the curtain…!? Also, it stopped the blizzard entirely. In fact, there's darkness all around us now…!
...Looking over at us, she grins smarmily an' holds her arms out cautionarily. "Don't let your kids read this…!" Oh shit!
Genkan's lookin'- oh. She's lookin' non-existent 'cause she ain't in this dark dimension with me right now…! S'just me and Doremy!
"Son." I misgender the space alien. Actually- maybe her gender is space alien! "I was havin' a sneak preview there…"
"You're not old enough." She shook her head at me uncompromisingly. "I've gotta take you to the kiddy zone."
Wat, no. "I'm eighteen…! If this was Japan I'd have no problem either!"
"We use Australian law up here." She bamboozles me with bullshit…! "Besides, I didn't say physical age. Mmm?"
...I hold my arms out. "I was born in twelve hundred twelve, on January first. Can I access the game page now…!?"
"No, no." Waggin' her finger at me, she draws back the curtain. "It's not something meant for you. But, since we're on a roll with this whole 'get life advice from yourself' thing…"
Aw, we're in the grassy field again. Although, unlike last time, the sky's grey instead of blue.
"Ooo, how about…!?" She thrusts her hands out as if to pull on something! And then-
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
Aw. Hello, world…
The light around me fades in. I'm in some kind of interior. This first room's pretty wide- this is my house. S'actually my house! Like, my outside house! Holy shit…!
...It's pretty less detailed though. Nothing's on the few pieces of furniture that're here, and no lights are on. Also, the television's gone, so this hasta be the dream version…
I jog up to the big person-sized window next to my stairs-
Oh. Outside is like, the edge of an event horizon. What the fuck. Purple rocks and shit are just floating by, like the house is drifting in some kind of freakin' asteroid belt.
Walkin' up to my front door, I unlock the asshole lock that refuses half the time and swing it open…
Outside the house, there's a small platform of purple rock, and it just trails off pretty quick. There's a bright thing way off in the center of all the weird horizon this place has…!
Since there's rock outside, I step on out and walk around a little!
Splish. Splish. Splish. Some kind of invisible, lucid liquid is kicked up on the stones I step on in my wake-
WOOSH…!
...I'm thrust back into the house-
BAM! The door slams shut. Cool dream zone, dude.
Alright, time to check out my computer, dude. Stepping up two steps at a time, I nimbly navigate my house's architecture that was freakin' burned into my brain and become muscle memory at this point. Reaching the door to my room, I swung it open!
Crea~k! The squeaky, sometimes stuck door vibrates after I bash it open lightly to get it goin'-
"Ooh…!" A casually dressed Brad looks up at me from the worn as fuck leather computer chair! "...Wait, how."
"Hi, son." I greet him. "I'm you from the future!"
"No you're not…!" He grins back at me! "Freakin'- I'm the dream you! I thought it was weird you were freaking… dreaming of this place. Last time ya did was fuckin'..."
Yeah, I dunno either. "I'm the dream you, son." We're all the me in a dream. You can't spell dreams without memes dude.
"What the frik's goin' on!?" Getting up, he looks restless! "You kinda can't go here!" Then, he gives me a more focused expression. "You know how ya got sent here, right? Anything weird about it?"
Uuh. ...I give him the good grin. "There mighta been one or two things just a little weird 'bout it…!"
"I swear to fuck if you drank a weird potion, I'm gonna fuckin'..." He searches for an adequately threatening response! "Box your ears."
"Flandre took me to space." Oh yeah, my computer's here. It's not on, though, which is weird. "You get good signal here?"
"Alright- I'll find out later- and yeah… yeah I don't. Thing's not turnin' on, 'cause… I dunno." Proppin' his arms on his hips, he just nods at it… "If you're here, who the hell goes ta sleep? Where's Flandre…!?"
Aw, dude. My navy blue backpack's in the corner, here!
Crouching down, I flip the flap open- it's like a giant military-grade purse that kills your shoulder- and- wait, no, it'd be in the binder…
Aw, yes. Grabbin' onto the grey cloth binder, I zip it open…
Inside is a black stock plant hanger, identical to the one I got from the mansion at the start of everything! "Yo ho ho!"
"Yeah- let's just freakin' steal shit." Grinning, he moves to get past me. "Freakin'- move. I gotta get my shoes on. Wait- I need socks…"
Yea~h! Oh, yeah, that actually reminds me, I need to slap my new bullshit onto a hanger. Maybe I can have mind me help me…!
Once he's got his socks, he begins to race downstairs to get the shoes on…!
Pocketing the new hanger, I look around the room. There's that fluffle plush doll 'a mine, another 3DS that I may wanna steal too, my masturbation pillow…
…
While he's outta the room, I'll just sli~p that stuff into my bag too. Yup, there we go…!
There's really not much else here. Wait…
Dude. I take another NERF Maverick blaster. Yes. There's another NERF Sword here too…! I never even used the first fuckin' one! Yeahaha~h!
...I look over across the bed, and see that print-out of Sendai Hakurei no Miko lying in bed hanging there, partially crushed 'cause of my sleep habits. That's great. I should take that and give it to the phantom remnant of Reimu's mom in the basement. Show it to Reimu and tell her I slept with her mom last night.
With all of this new assorted crap collected, I move out of the room…!
Once I reach the bottom 'a the stairs, I move past the empty-ass living room, and into the dining room…
Oh, hey, the big dumb table's gone.
I walk into the kitchen nuzzling the fake fluffle plushie… 'cause it's dusty.
Woah, what the fuck happened here. Everything's broken and fucked up…!
Brad- the dream Brad- is lookin' out the back door, out into the great oblivion. "Where the hell did we end up…!?"
"What happened to the kitchen!?" This place got bombed!
...He looks across it and just snorts. "Don' worry 'bout it, yo. More like how the hell're we gonna get outta here..."
"I can help…"
We turn an' see Doremy!
Brad flinches a bit, before pulling up his dukes! "Dream demon! Where have you taken us!?"
"Home." She- oh, she freakin' didn't dude… she stole my joke…! S'not even a joke either, so it's a double whammy! "But, now that you've gotten acquainted, I think it's time for a change! Here…"
And now we're in black space again. There're three curtains before us, and each has a label in weirdly plain English above each. "Vote now, on your phones!" We don't have phones…!
"What if I fought you?" Dream Brad wants to just fight Doremy. "Will that fix this!?"
Doremy brushes her face with her hand…! "You know what? Sure."
...Dream Brad doesn't do anything, though! "...I haven't quite figured out how to engage people with no weapons!"
Anyway, behind Doremy, there's those three labels…
Cows, school, and fear.
"Son, stop tryin'a snuggle Doremy and freakin' pick a door." Ironically I hafta get dream me back on track…
"But- what if she's behind this!?" He contests with me! "Pull somethin' out and fight!" Son, why're you so aggressive…!?
"No, dude. Let's play the minigames first. She's not a rapist person." Fortunately, I know exactly what to say! "Also, she's the god 'a this realm so it kinda makes sense!"
...He just slouches. "Freakin', y'know somethin' I don't, huh. Alright, let's go to cows." Son. "We're gonna have a cow…!"
Doremy moves to pull the curtain- wait, I didn't even get to vote-
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
…
Well. This is… pretty accurate to the caption.
We're standing in a big square concrete tub, with dirt at the bottom of it. The sun's shining in.
Propped up all along the flat dirt plain are cardboard cutouts of cows. Actually no- they're wood flat props with cows painted on them. Rather intricately too; they look pretty nice from one side.
…
That's literally all this is. A concrete tub with cow props surrounding us!
"Aw…" Brad moves towards them, and goes to push one over… "Oh, shit. Yo- help me, this is actually…"
What, heavy? How the hell's a wood prop of a cow freakin' heavy…
I move to push with him- oh shit he's not kidding. "Nngh…!" Wow.
I guess we can't even interact with the cows. "What the fuck…"
"What… even." Brad's confused, too.
...Taking out Flame Salvo, I aim it at one of the cows.
Fwoom! A waft of flames rolls out from the hanger to the cows on our left…!
Fwoo~m! They go up in flames…! I did it, son! I beat the cows!
Fwaa~sh…! Oh, shit. Everything begins to fade to white…!
"Oh, fuck!" Brad yells out…!
…
"I can't see." He makes his declaration after a moment of us being blind. "Hello~...!?"
"Hi, son." I turn where I think his voice came from. "We broke the cows."
"Shit." Oof.
I blink, and then we're in a classroom. Oh, shit…
"What the fuck." Brad's not happy, either, dude. No one is happy with this.
...Doremy's at the front desk. This is like, one of the east wing classrooms at my high school, with a big window on the left and a door to freedom on the right. "Do I dare emulate any actual students?" She stares at us neutrally…!
Oh boy. "Yes."
"Yes." Both of us commit to the idea! That's it son, it's time to go on a dream crusade…!
A~nd Doremy's gone!
I remember now. It seems like forever ago. This was my Child Psych class… the desks're all arranged in two-pairs for some stupid reason, even though talking's not allowed son.
Me and Brad're just standing here, though. I'm also still in my camouflage kimono, and he's in his pajamas except with shoes.
"Oh man, this is gonna suck…" He grins wit' me as the freakin'... day progresses. I look out the classroom window, and see the big hillside that my school stood on, all sunny-like. It's a fine day to cause a paranormal phenomenon, yo. We can't even be subtle about it 'cause there's just… two of me. Wait…
Teacher man steps in! He's kinda stocky, but young, yo. When he sees us- "He~y-..." He stops instead'a giving his normally overzealous greeting!
Oh man, what's my most disruptive spell. Once the students roll in, I need to like, make a geyser under the main desk. The water pipes are blowing, dude.
"I~... didn't know you had a twi~n?" Teacher man chooses his words carefully. What the hell was his name again… ah, whatever.
We point at each otha' and talk at the same time. "He's my brother!"
"...Wow!" He accepts this! "I did not know that! Did he~..." Moving up to the desk, teacher man rests his weird old backpack down. "Did he transfer here from a different, school, o~r…?"
"Yes." I agree.
"No." He disagrees. Uh oh…!
"Wha~t? No~?" Replying sarcastically to the answer, he places his stuff down for good and scurries out of the room. "It can't be no!"
And then he just leaves abruptly, doing his teacherly things.
…
Dream Brad turns ta me! "So how bad we gonna fuck up here…? And can ya give me somethin' to freakin' use? I'm a regular dude here!"
Freakin, cast crusty pillows on everyone ya stupid. "Alright, no problem, me. Lemme just…"
I take out Fragile Flower and hand it to him.
"Oh, good." Accepting it, he nods at it chummily… "I can feel my strength leaving already!" Cleanse will be important for all the cancer we're about to contract.
...Some no names file in, and they give us stares. They don't say nothin', and we don't not say nothin' back, dude. Ho ho ho!
Oh, but then there's this guy. This guy. He's not quite the this guy I'm expecting to see, but he's also an asshole. I forgot he existed, to be honest wit'cha! He sorta gives us a smarmy stare...
"Hi, son." I am a changed man, so I get assertive immediately! Let's curbstomp this freakin' noob! "How're ya?"
"...Dude, what're you wearing?" He points at me!
Dream Brad turns to him! "He's wearin' clothes. Are you…!?"
...Oh, he just goes silent. Yeah, I think the 'two Brads' thing might disrupt people's flows a little bit.
Brad looks over to me compromisingly…! "This is freakin' weird. Normally when I'm in a dream things either go really badly or really well, not the sorta weird normal middleground!"
Screech! The desk we're near screeches as dream Brad hustles it out of the way and goes up to the hoodie-wearin' boy! Rolling his sleeve down with his hand, he keeps the hand there on his elbow as he flips the boy a middle finger. "Hey son- you're 'a piece a shit!" dream Brad goes deep from the get-go…!
...He just blinks at dream Brad. "Okay?"
"Don't you just fuckin' okay me, son!" Lookin' down at Fragile Flower, dream Brad chucks it back ta me…! "Hey! Gimme a real toy!"
Clank! It bounces off the desk near me, weakly. Freakin'...
Alright, alri~ght. You get Sharper Than Darkness, 'cause I haven't used that in ten million years.
I toss the new weapon back at 'em. Upon catching it, his eyes light up as he holds the sickle end outward- oh wait-
"Yo~ what the fuck!" The boy gets away from his desk upon sighting the blade! "What the fuck!" I think we fucked it up already…!
"What's going on…?"
"What?"
The few kids who've filed in are freakin' off put! Except for the couple kids on their phones, literally not noticing this stupid bullshit.
Puttin' away the dainty hanger, I take out Hard Winter because it's a pretty good thing, it is…! "Ah, shit. We blew it, dude!" We gotta get outta here!
Dream Brad looked over at me, and beamed. "Nah, man! Look…!"
Bounding up to the dumb kid-
"Fuck off!" The kid tossed his book at him-
Ooh! Shit, that hit other Brad in the face! "Ggh…!"
"Oh, shit. You alright…?" I hate when people ask me this question but that was a pretty good lob. Right between the fuckin' eyes...
...After brushing the bridge of his nose and scowling, Brad glares up at the boy, and slides an arm along Sharper than Darkness- "Revenge!"
Shi~ng! The plant hanger lights up a solid red, and he throws himself at the guy. I freakin' forgot that hanger had that spell-
Shunk! Oh, shit.
"Oww- aaugh!" The kid falls over after Brad whacked his ribs with the luminescent good end of the hanger, blood seeping into the kid's bright red shirt and makin' it crimson.
"Hey, what the fuck…!" I point at the boy! "You like killed him, mate!"
Lookin' over at me, dream Brad beams. "Yeah, and? I mean, he's not dead yet- hol' up..." Turning away from me-
Shink! Dream Brad drops to his knees and slings Sharper Than Darkness into the boy. "Ho- holy shit…! Hahaha~...!"
"Ngh- stop! Hel- help mhe!" The dumb boy just kinda flails his limbs as dream Brad sloppily hacks at him with the sickle-accented hanger.
"I mean- moral ramaramamifications aside, you blew our cover..." I try to idly console him, but no, he's pretty freakin'... into this.
A kid runs outta the class, one of the girls. A few of the girls, actually! Oh shit…
Speaking of dudes walking in, that one boy walks in! "Duhuhu~de- dude what the fuck!?"
Quick, before this dream sequence ends, fuck him up…! Channeling mana into Hard Winter, I crouch 'n' thrust it into the ground. "Tundra~!" I probably shouldn't but whatever, uh...
Kring! The like chair-sized ice spike erupts under him- "Aah!" He ends up freakin' spilling over-
"I'm gonna rip off your head and shit down your neck!" Dream Brad runs up to him and holds Sharper Than Darkness over his head! "You dumb son of a bitch!"
The freakin' noob on the floor pulled a switch blade from his greaser jacket, since he was the only greaser in the school. "Fuck o~ff! I'll kick your fucking ass you fucking-"
Shi~ng! "Revenge!" Dream Brad channels into the edgy hanger again-
Thunk! Yeah, we're going to prison, aren't we…? "Aagh! Fuck you! Fhuck you…!" The guy kicks and flails his arms at the boy hackin' into him, and Dream Brad's freakin' just going insane.
"Didn't- ngh- fuckin' count, on this!?" Dream Brad chuckles into the dying guy's face, hanger deep in the dude's stomach. As the guy clawed his arms, he just freakin' kept still, as if fighting to keep the blade in place-
When the boy won and expelled the hanger from his stomach-
"Aaa~h!" -that turned out to be a horrible idea, the wound blooming open as he writhed on the floor.
...Standing from him, dream Brad looks over at me and grins. "Gimme the bawmber. When we see J-rich I'm gonna blow that smarmy motherfucker's skull open. Hehaha~!"
Um. Oh shit. "...Son, uh." I hold a finger up-
"Oh my god!" Ohp, there's the teacher. "What's going on!?"
"Brad- it's Brad! There's two of them, and-"
"What the fuck- oh my god…!"
EEEE! EEEE! EEEE! Oww~. The school's alarms suck…! Wow, that got around fast!
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
Yeah, that spiralled out of control…! Wow.
We're at the town police station, and Doremy's in our temporary holding cell. "I think you guys are about done now…"
That was a clunkier experience than I took it for. "...Yeah."
It's a rather generic police cell. Weirdly, it has tiled floors and painted walls, and more modern stainless steel bars. S'not some hokey cartoon cell with stone walls!
Also, we got to keep everything because police have never fought a criminal with a hammerspace bag.
Dream Brad just looks tired. Which is sort of ironic…! "I guess."
Doremy meets my gaze. "How're you feeling?"
"I'm sorry I Kahooted up the school, son..." Oh shit- I can hardly contain my grin…!
...Doremy looks like I gave 'er cancer!
Dream Brad chuckles a little…
But, more seriously though… "Awkward and drained…!" This is as good of a callback to my school days as any. Note to self: never go back to the outside world. Also, don't bring dream me anywhere.
...Doremy then meets Brad's gaze. "And, how're you feeling?"
"Kinda sucks I didn't have total control for that kinda thing…" Instantly havin' complaints ready, he scratched his cheek. "It was like the awkward halfway 'a bein' on a joyride and goin' all creative mode. And Brad here didn't even wanna really go all Grand Theft Auto."
Freaki~n'...! "Son- I wanted to be subtle. You just started shankin' boys left and right!"
"'Cause really, fuck them." Brad waved off my stratemagy. "We only got so much time here 'n' I got no idea when I'd see those morons again. And, like… we can just do whatever. Might as well go balls deep! Take over the school and kill those stupid motherfuckers with our awesome magic! Just- y'know, the dumb ones, everyone else is on a per-resistance sorta thing..."
...I mean, this is sandbox creative mode and everything. But, still. "I kinda wanted ta like, y'know, fuck around wit 'em and not just slaughter them relentlessly." I'm a little too soft-hearted to just uh, go on a genocide crusade in the name of peace. World's not that cruel to me!
He snorted. "S'not a bad idea either. It's whatever."
…
I give Doremy a concerned stare…! "Dream Brad's really different than me, dude!"
Doremy snorts too! "Mmm. Your subconscious is a little more… tilted than you are. It's a little angrier, perhaps well more than you actually are."
"Like- I really don't see what the big deal is." Dream Brad leans against the back of our police cell. "Nothin' matters here, and it feels good to just do stuff. S'not wholesome, but really, s'nice having an environment where I can just..."
Well, it is the Grand Theft Auto zone. Plus, our dream selves kinda exist in worlds where like… we make the rules or the rules just bend all willy nilly. Kinda makes sense all of them wouldn't give a shit about consequences. I also haven't played video games except for a few times while in Gensokyo. Not that I really get a reason to!
We're sitting on a bench now, and not in a jail cell. Wipe the other environment totally clean, start anew, nothing even happened!
We're in some kinda park, and the lights're dark except for all around us. Freakin'...
Dream Brad stands up! "...Brad- me." Turning to me, he seems to hold his arms out propositionally! "...Hmm. Ya don't have a lot to give a shit about anymore, 'cept for random youkai homicide, but… isn't it a little weird?"
"Yeah. You are…!" I grin at 'em! "I like to not kill people, son." I wonder if dream Matt likes to not kill people, too.
"Isn't it weird how cornered you are?" Brad leans towards me… "Just the other fuckin' day you almost get blown away by some crazy ice lady. Doesn't that piss ya off?"
It was a hard sequence of events to be angry about in the moment. I was angry until I got stabbed! Then I was just empty, both figuratively and literally…! And then I woke up with Genkan, and that was a pretty good pick-me-up…
"I guess." If I saw the ice lady again though, I'd probably call her a noob. That'd show her, man. I should report her to the moderators and get her kicked for scamming.
"Why don't you do somethin' about it?" Dream Brad questions my premises, dude. "Isn't that the whole point you're collectin' a buncha freakin'..."
Cla- clank! He plops Sharper than Darkness down on the bench next to me! "Plant hangers? Isn't it shit, that through the stupidity and ignorance of others that you'll be… inevitably just fucked over?"
...I'm interested where he's going with this, even if I don't fully agree.
He holds out his arms. "Why don't you fight back? Shit's practically beggin' ya to pick up the right things and, like…" Oh, man. He just did the me thing where he ranted until he lost his train of thought! "Do shit in the name 'a peace? Your peace? Get some friends together and show the world what's- fuckin'- what! Become a freakin' nightmare! Dunnit feel great ta just, make them feel the way you do, and teach 'em fear?"
...
The big flaw there is I already have enough peace! I think. Depends on whether I'm under assault or not! "I~ don't think that's really… realistic." I'm debating myself. "I say this 'cause you're like…" You're pretty much my stupid momentary power fantasies unchecked and with zero self awareness! "It's not actually that bad. I'm not getting air raided every day by dragons!"
"Oo~kay." What- he don't believe me? Alright, we're done here, son. S'not like Gensokyo's freakin' trench warfare!
Standin' up, I shake my head. "Well, guess what son. I got somethin' we can both agree on."
He slouches a little, giving me a vain look. "Wha~t."
"No matter what, this place is still better than the outside." I give 'em a nod!
...He allows himself a small grin! "Well, yeah…" Hoh.
...I turn to Doremy. Shouldn't hafta say it, but she i~s still smug. "I think that was useful." Yeah, I dunno. Then again, I pretty much stopped tuning into this more dismal side of me since Gensokyo existed. It was nice to meet him and slap his shit around.
"While you're here…" Reaching into the air beside herself, she drew a pillow from nothing. "Would you like to buy a pillow?" She squeezes it to herself, and it looks soft.
…
"Yeah, sure." I like pillows.
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
That pillow cost like, one thousand yen. It feels really soft, though.
Woo~sh…! We're back in the endless blizzard! It's a good blizzard, dude.
"O- ooh, shit!" Other Brad does not have ice resistance. "Ho~ly craa~p!"
"Get owned!" I yell at 'em over the wind and the snow…!
...Very quickly, after leading my lunatic self in circles, we come up to Genkan and Genkan! They're both clothed, which is good. Maybe.
"There you are." They speak at the exact same time, before turning ta one another…
"Hello, friends." I wa~ve… "Which one of you is miste~r dream!?"
"I'm the dream version…!" Dream Genkan has way too much pep all of a sudden. "...What's with that face?"
The actual Genkan just looks somewhat embarrassed for her twin...!
Ooh. Dream Brad parts from me, and just marches towards the dream yuki-onna-
Thud. He just uh… glomps her. "Mm- mmn…" He really enjoys it, too! He just kinda snuggles into her and instantly gives up on existing.
…"O- oh, hey…" Closing her eyes, dream Genkan hugs him back, her arms wrapping around his upper back. "Hehehe…"
...Well. That's a sight, alright.
Genkan's giving off an air of curiosity- probably 'cause two Brads- but hoh. Also, he's cuddling not-her. I'm a very cuddle-prone person anyway, but uh...
"Feeling tired, yet?" Doremy's freakin'... mentally prodding us.
"...Yes, actually." Turning to her, Genkan's lookin' pretty worn. "She's… too much like me. So much so, that she's also nothing like me."
Right? "Yeah, I experienced somethin' similar…!" Dream versions of people are freakin'... they're kinda wei~rd dude! "An', yeah. I'm…"
Despite the snow- or maybe because of the snow's comfort- I'm gettin'... a bit drowsy. That doesn't usually happen when I'm around people- or, well, that's how it used to be. Gensokyo kinda molested that phenomena…!
"I believe it's time, for you two to go back, then." She declared, tilting her head in thought. "I hope this session's given you wonderful reflection." Y'don't say...
...Wait, I just noticed Genkan's bought one of those pillows too. What if this was all one big extra-dimensional pillow scam!?
"Nnn…" What kinda noise's that. "Genka~n…" Wha- what the fuck're those two doing-
The blizzard stops, and once again we're standing on just grass.
For some reason, all the lights have dimmed. Dream Brad's just trying really hard to sink into the other Genkan…
She ruffles his hair with her hand, and pulls him tighter-
"Wait, hold on…" Oh, so Doremy's not sending us back at the moment. "...Aah. I'll keep it going over here. Stay here and all that. Something came up."
WOO~SH! The blizzard kicks up louder than even before!
...Well, I can't see what the dream hooligans are doing now. Between the dimmed lighting and all the snow, it's just… dark.
...So now we're just stranded here.
"Hau~h…" Becoming relaxed, Genkan yawns. "At this point…"
Crouching down, she placed the pillow she got from Doremy on the snow behind herself, and shifted to lie down. "This blizzard has become… too comfy."
Considering how snow makes me feel, it's actually a pretty strong alternative to blankets. This kimono is like the world's greatest freakin' blanket.
Fwoof. I just flop down in the snow next to her. It's sort of like warm sand, but better because it's actually soft and doesn't fuck up your everything. S'more like powder then, I suppose…
"We actually gonna just... pass out here?" I turn to her in vague curiosity. "S'kinda weird place ta just, y'know…"
...She just gives me a blink, and continues to snuggle into the snow. "I really can't go on. Not when I'm… this comfy. You're one to talk. I'm willing to bet you've rested on tables and shelves before." Da~h...
…She's right. Oof. Maybe it's 'cause I'm tired and I've seen some shit, but I'm outta it...
Shifting towards me as I sink into the white powder next ta her, Genkan pats the space she made on the pillow. "Do you wish to use my pillow?" Whah…
All you did was move all the way to the other side of it. S'not that big of a pillow- but, y'know…
Scooting up, I rest my head on the edge of it. Despite the snow, it's actually a really good pillow. And, the snow's like freakin'... memory foam when you're ice resistant. S'pretty nice to just… lie here.
Genkan's face is just right there, across the pillow and starin' at me. I can't stare away 'cause I don't wanna and it'd be weird, but staring's also weird.
Closing her eyes, Genkan nuzzles into the pillow, and sinks into the snow slightly, which saves me the awkwardness of having to put my eyes anywhere specific!
...
The dim really does freakin' annihilate my energy… especially 'cause like… it's really good. Once I've relaxed enough, the position begins ta feel cozy enough for me ta…
…
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
Wha- woah, what…
Apparently I'm hugging someone, and I'm standing up. Also, there's a hand in my hair, and I'm being held in place by the person I'm hugging…
How'd I get here, exactly? This is kinda-
After pulling my head back, I realize where it was…! I'm literally just buried against- and in- Genkan's bosom, up against the fabric of her kimono. It's tight and soft…
Holy crap boobs in my face.
She draws her hand from my hair, looking around herself. "...Oh." Um.
She's about as confused as I am! There's just dim blue snowstorm as far as the eye can see around us. It seems we're in the middle 'a nowhere.
Aah, whatever… I'm weirdly tired for some reason. And cold. Very fucking cold actually…!
The moment I gain any distance from Genkan, I begin to freeze my ass off! Why'm I in these like, casual clothes!? "O- oh shit, I'm not in my kimono...! Ho- holy shi- shit…"
"Ah. Here..." Reacting quickly, Genkan folds some of the lower half of her kimono open-
Pressing into me again, she lets the fabric envelop my legs. I feel my pants tangle into her pale legs, which is ooo~... "I'm... not sure how we got here, but this storm won't last forever. I'll keep you warm." Ooo...
Man, someone must've really spiked my drink or something. Wait, Genkan doesn't know where we are either. And-
Ooh. The… heat from her kimono- or, her body rather- flows into me...
At this proximity, I can't help but just… give in, and wrap my arms around her. Both 'cause I'm really tired and cold for some reason, and… her little approach and heat-sharing gesture just kinda numbed me- on a mental level. I feel like I've been freezing a little bit before I realized where the hell I was, even.
This is comfy, though. At… this point, I think I could go to sleep like this. She doesn't seem to mind, so that's good!
Genkan's hand reaches up, and she lays it on my forehead. That's… curious-
She brings it back through my hair- wo~w…
Is this how cats feel? Being petted's actually… really nice.
"This is… what we were doing before, I think." Genkan seems to be retracing our steps. "I don't remember how this began… but we're in the midst of a blizzard, so it's not inherently bad."
Her voice reverberates through her chest, which I'm pretty close to. "I dunno…" Ahaha~... I'm so caught by her, right now.
...Well. While we're just idle, we could either move, or…
She strokes my hair a second time. Yeah, I really dunno, especially now! I wanna just… stay like this.
This is sort of ironic, actually. This is like, normally the position where a guy is super fucked in a snowstorm.
Looking up at Genkan, I make a request. "Hey, uh…"
She looks down at my tired eyes.
"Could you-"
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
"Wake up!"
Slap! Yeo~wch! Yo shit whaddup!? Holy fucking-
"'Cause it's me~!" A red-eyed fairy beams down into my face! "Clownpie~ce!"
Oh shit, it's the fairy! The good fairy! Freakin'- I was havin' a dream where Genkan was molesting me too, and-...
I look right to the freakin' right of my snow bed and see dream Brad and Genkan looking confused, embracing one another. Wait- the dream-... alright, that's fuckin' trippy…!
"Get yourself a soda, a candy…!" Parting from me, Clownpiece gestures for me to move! "Stand up and imbibe whatever liquid you want!" Freakin'...!
"Candies… are not liquid…!" You've destroyed my attempt at sleeping! Now I'm tired and displaced…!
"They can be if ya roast 'em like marshmallows!" Clownpiece exclaims, holding out her arms! She's got a freakin' torch. "But that's not the point! The point's that I've got good news for you!"
"Wha- what…?" Sitting up, Genkan rubs her eyes… "A fairy?"
"I'm coming to a Gensokyo near you!" She declares! Ho ho! "I've been getting acquainted with the culture and everything!" ...Well, you're in an American flag-styled outfit so-
Reaching behind herself, she pulls out a fluffle with one hand! "Like these things!"
"well hello there" The fluffle is infinitely snuggable, because it's the tiniest. "i dont believe weve been properly introduced" Aw. It's fluffy. "im bonzi" It's evil. "since this is the first time we have met i would like to tell you more about myself"
Clownpiece slid it behind her back again…! "And… yeah!" Is that your only example of Gensokyian culture…!? "I know you're both from Gensokyo!"
...Sitting up, I just, oof… "My name is Bonzi." I inform her ruefully.
"No it's not." She can tell my shit instantly! "C'mo~n. Doremy's got the portal all ready!" She can make whats?
…
Genkan moves to lie down again-
Clownpiece slides up to her, and draws a canister from her pockets-
BWAAA~MP! Oh my god! That airhorn my boy! Ow!
"Eee~!" Genkan actually flailed her limbs and jumped at the volume…!
"C'mon- we gotta go go go~!" Practically bouncing in place, she pesters us…! "You guys can sleep in a pile once we get to Gensokyo!"
"You insatiable, terrible little…!" Clenching her fists, Genkan floated up and whirled after her as she zoomed away! "Come here!"
...Yo, wait up! They're running off into the storm-
-which ended about like, twenty meters away from where we were. You can see exactly where the snow ends.
Over here, instead of grassland, we're on the lawn of some big, barely lit castle thing, yellow light pouring from the interior… and behind it is some carnival shit, barely visible in the weird, phantasmal gloom.
There's a small congregation of people here, dude.
Clownpiece races past this blunette gal in a Hot Topic t-shirt at a static speed, before stopping instantly behind her. "I found the Gensokyians!"
...Slowing down and composing herself, Genkan observes the friends standoffishly! Clownpiece brought friends dude.
"Yo ho ho~!" We got Doremy here, we got, uh… some girl in a cape, and we got Hot Topic girl with sea blue hair. Also, Clownpiece apparently, who is dressed in freakin'... skin-tight American flag-colored clothes. Like, one stocking with blue and stars on it, a red-white striped stocking… no shoes.
"Aa~h. Hello~!" Hot Topic girl floats up to us! "We're tourists. If ya could show us around the place, that would be nice."
Freakin'... we wanted to sleep, now we're tour guides. Tour guides on the jungle cruise ride…!
...I look over at Doremy! "How long were we out?"
"You managed to sleep?" She smiled at me while floating carelessly. "Probably… four hours." She decides. "Four hours sounds right."
Whah, really? Now that I think 'a it… huh. Guess I'm just bamboozled, 'cause I was rested. I think?
"...Hrrm." Looking frazzled, Genkan kept her stare on the clown fairy. "I was… enjoying my slumber."
"That's cool." Hot Topic girl just gives Genkan a ginger nod. "Now you're our tour guide!"
...This response just makes Genkan's frown deeper!
It's time for me to harass her! "Who're you…?" Freakin' Hot Topic girl dude. She's the most out of place thing ever! "Why're there like… planets chained to, an' sat upon your head?" She's got like… the earth, the moon and some red planet chained to her hat thing, which is acting as a pedestal for this tiny Earth. I'm not familiar with Touhou hats, but u~h… this one's takin' the cake! Freakin' unusual galaxy.
Then again, this entire realm's pretty outta place. Dreams tend to be like that! Wait- is she a dream thing, or a real thing…!?
...Her eyes tilt up, as if looking at her geography project she placed on her head. "...Heh, not a question I get asked! Kinda there to represent my body's worldly boundary… but it's also a device. I haven't used it in a lo~ng time."
...Yeah, that answered all my questions. Actually no- "That doesn't help!"
The blunette just huffs at me. "An' why're you all suited up in a camouflage kimono? Why ya got clown hair and why're ya freakin' tall?"
...Da~h. I don't… think I have to explain-
"Exactly." She snaps her fingers once! "Gotcha~. Anyway- ya don't need ta know. As for who I am, I'm the Goddess of Hell."
Wat.
...I size up her Hot Topic tee again. It has 'Welcome Hell' written on it, with a heart to the right of 'Welcome'. "I guess so, dude." I dunno about-
"I somehow doubt that." Genkan decides it's worth being openly skeptical!
Rollin' her eyes, the girl just shifts her arms behind her back. "Yeah, some dude and a yuki-onna really wouldn't know. Just call me Hecatia, ka~y?" I'm starting to doubt she's a goddess of anything even…!
FRA- FRA- FWHIP! Woah, ow my ears son…! A rip in space just kinda formed next to everyone. Who put that there...
Also, cape girl who exists. She's lookin' pretty idle for someone with an outfit about as outlandish as mine.
"Yeahaha~h!" Looking pumped, Clownpiece soars into the portal first…! "Gensokyo~!" She's really freakin' excited to get to Gensokyo!
"I'll be waiting for you guys on the insi~de!" Hecatia gives us a wave as she coasts on in.
...What kinda name's Hecatia!? Space aliens!
Well, anyway…
"Why can't I just head out through that portal?" The caped girl propped her arms on her hips. As her cape billowed, these like… beige runes statically existed in this weird maroon background within it. "That leads to Gensokyo, right?"
"If I let both you and your dream self wander around in the same reality, things would get wei~rd…" Doremy advised the caped girl. "We're just gonna see them off, for now…"
Hoh. "See you later, uh… Doremy, and super cape girl!"
"Super cape girl…?" Cape girl takes pause, dude.
"Bye~!" Doremy wa~ves…
…
While me and Genkan stare into the sorta vague-looking, dark portal, we hear some footsteps coming up around our right…
We turn- oh, dude! Reimu's here!
"Yo, Reimu!" It's Reimu, dude!
"That's not the Reimu you know." Doremy warns us. "Go now." What…!?
...I look between her and Reimu-
"I'm dream Reimu~!" Reimu exclaims! "Wahaha!"
...Oh shit- she's initiating a spinning kick as she whirls up to us…!
"Let's go…!" Genkan tugs on me, and I begin to move as she tugs-
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
Thud. We land on Scarlet carpentry, inside what appears to be a generic guest bedroom… I look back for the portal- oh. S'just gone…!
Clownpiece instantly whirls up to me. "Why're we in a room!?" Oh boy, she's high energy… an' I thought I was high energy!
I know the answer though, yo. "Customs checking!" The mansion is now Gensokyo customs. "We gotta make sure you're... custom, dude." Lemme just… get off the floor.
"This is simply where Doremy left us." Hecatia ran her gaze across the very scarlet bedroom… "We'll depart this place soon, and see the night sky." Night sky, huh…
Hoh, shit, is it night? Oof.
"Night already…" Genkan seemed to reach the same conclusion as me. She faces me, somewhat unsatisfied looking. "Getting back into proper slumber rhythm will take effort…"
...Oh shit. I wonder how Maria's been doin'! We're gonna hafta track her down!
"I will show yo~u…!" If she's still in the library, that'll be a hoot. I face the new friends! "Gensokyo's biggest and dustiest library!"
Thump. Clownpiece fell over, landing face first on the floor. "Engh…"
"Oo~h." Hecatia looks vaguely interested! "...Hmm. I do enough reading on my own time. It's not entirely high on my priority list, y'know."
"We~ll, we're goin' there 'cause your tour guides've left a bird in the oven!" Not takin' no for an answer! We gotta pick up Maria before we go on a nighttime genocide crusade!
...Just, y'know, not like a dream Brad genocide crusade, which is unironic! Mine's ironic! Ahanh.
"Alright, yo." I gesture for everyone to follow. "We're goin' to adventure!" It is time to lead everyone to destiny.
I swing the door open-
Remilia's there. "Of course you have something to do with this." She immediately smokes me…! "You instantly arrive back at my mansion with a…" She stares over at Hecatia, and just shakes her head…! "Goddess of some description. You have some kind of condition which just compels you to drag the forces of nature themselves to this mansion, don't you?"
...I nod. "Yeah- my doctor told me about it. S'a real problem- we're- we're workin' on a solution, but-"
"It is fine." She waves off my bullshit…! "Regardless," she approaches the hell goddess- which is apparently legit- "I don't believe I know your name, goddess. I am Remilia Scarlet."
"Hecatia. Goddess of Hell." The goddess held out her hand for a shake, and Remilia met it-
Fwam! The force of their hands against one another is audible, a rush of air expanding out around them…!
"Ooo~." Hecatia likes that! "You got grip, girl!"
...Remilia flexes her hand once the shake is over. "You know, it almost seems pointless to shake hands with a deity. Hell's own goddess, at that."
"It's the thought that counts." Hecatia gives her a smug smile. "...Since this is your mansion, would you mind giving me a proper look around it, for the time being? Because if you don't, these guys will." She points to me and Genkan…!
Remilia nods hastily. "Oh- yes, certainly. And-"
...Clownpiece slides Remi's hat off.
Remilia gives her a stare.
...Then, Clownpiece stuck the cloth hat onto her big silly jester hat. "It looked floofy."
"Who is she?" Remilia points at the fairy and questions the goddess!
"Don't worry about it. She'll be totally fine with the tour guides." Reaching over to Clownpiece in an attempt to grab onta' her-
Fwoom. Now in a different position, Clownpiece drew a torch outta nowhere and held it before Remilia's face! "I can make fire. Lookit."
There's… there's something really interesting about that fire. I was always fascinated by uh… how it like dances-
Reaching out, Remilia snuffs out the liberty torch. "Silly fairy. You heard what your goddess said."
...Genkan nudges me. "Did you notice that?"
Whah. Turning to her, I tilt my head an' raise my brow, inquisitive. She responds! "The way the flame drew our focus."
It did kinda unnecessarily make me think about fire! For some reason, the torches and candles just strewn about the mansion didn't have the same effect on me…
"Ye." I nod-
Clownpiece rapidly romps up to us in an attempt to slow down, after Hecatia lobbed her towards us! "...Guess I'm with you guys!" Hoh! Blonde fairy, dude.
...I turn towards the door out-
Oof! From past Genkan, Ha-chan leapt from the shadows, and glomped onto me! "I found yo~u!"
"Hello, friend…!" She's a cuddlemuffin, dude! She's also in my face all of a sudden…!
"One of them tall fairies!" Clownpiece observes our tall fairy! "'Cept she's not naked. No horns or guns or whips either…" Whah.
...Ha-chan slowly parts from me to crouch before the clown fairy. "Hello~...! You're tiny…!"
"I'm not that tiny…!" Shaking her head, Clownpiece disagrees…!
After some shuffling, we get into the hallway proper, and Hecatia 'n' Remi pace normally past us and into the hall…
"Don't start any fires now, ka~y…" Hecatia loosely calls back to her maniac fairy.
"I will try!" Clownpiece gives a salute-
Fwoom! Her torch flares up again, dude! And-
Whoom. The table cloth hat she stole and put on her own hat went up in flames, 'cause she saluted with 'er torch hand. "Oh- hey hey he~y!" She whips her head around to swing the fire about, and she ends up slapping it into a nearby wall-
fwish. All the fire in the hallway immediately goes out, including the lights.
Hecatia's grinning…! "Not that you have a choice otherwise. Keep a close eye on that torch, everyone. It burns with hellfire, which is a li~ttle harder to put out than regular fire…"
Oh, good. Super fire. We totally need to repeat the 'entire mansion burning down' running gag with super fire now.
"...Maybe we should watch her." Remilia's having second thoughts! "Whose idea was it to bring it- her along? His?" She points at me…!
"Yes." I claim responsibility for my actions, dude.
"She's a friend of a friend." Still smug, Hecatia explained…! "I think she'll rather like it here, given-"
Fwoo~m! Somehow lighting her torch a little too hard, Clownpiece jerks her head back at the mini-inferno on a stick…
And, yeah, fire. Mini-inferno, huh. It's glowing pretty nicely. Like… it just gives off this light of being a soft, warm fuzzy thing. Like-
"By the way." Hecatia's voice has a new edge to it, and it forces my gaze towards hers, my neck crooking weirdly mechanically ta do so. "...Her torch. The hellfire makes anyone who stares into it too long slowly go berserk. So like, you might wanna totally look in… but don't, kay? Unless you wanna get mad!"
"This torch is made from the lifeforce of those who fell in Hell!" Clownpiece exclaims this with pep and cheer! "Thousands of years of anger, fear, and pissed off energy fuel this flame!"
Note to self: try not to stare into fire! Fire's bad…!
"...What's left unsaid is that it can probably be treated with cold, just like most forced anger." Remilia added, after a moment of observation. "Such shocks to one's system slow people down quite nicely."
"They pro'lly already knew that." Hecatia returned a catty, dry stare towards the vampire. "One of them's a yuki-onna."
"Well, with Brad and his company, you can never be too sure." Remilia deprecates my people, dude…! "Let us… take in the manor's sights now. With any luck, this lot will be fine."
"Alri~ght." Lazily, Hecatia agrees, bringing her arms up behind her head… "Lead the way, tiny."
...After giving the goddess a stare, Remilia began to elegantly tap across the hall. Hoh.
…
"You know what'd be really funny…?" Clownpiece begins to speak-
"No." Genkan doesn't know, dude.
The fairy continues with a shit-eating grin. "If we-"
"No." Oh, she just wants to silence the fairy.
"If we use my torch ta-"
"No means no, hell spawn." Genkan's gettin' daft wit' the clown fairy…!
But Clownpiece ain't stoppin, dude. "If we use my torch ta-"
Interjecting, Genkan puts a stop to this! "How many times do I-"
"-light the mansion's torches, and make all the tall maid fairies go crazy!?" Talking over her in turn, Clownpiece finishes her thought! "C'mo~n!"
"I like it when everyone's crazy!" Ha-chan, no. I've had enough of the crazy fairies! We don't need a round three!
"Aw- just a little~!?" Meeting my less than thrilled expression, she persistently begs to enrage the entire mansion. "Pretty pretty plea~se!?"
...Freakin', "Okay, yo. But I hafta tell ya where." I now have… the responsibility! To put it somewhere useless… or infect everybody. Or just never tell her when and hope she forgets.
Fwoom. Lighting her torch, she holds it up before me. "Okay! Just stare into this and-"
Fwa~sh. Genkan froze the torch's tip solid. "No."
...Clownpiece pouted as the ice slowly melted, sizzling and steaming. "Uu~gh. Ice magic. Always, always always with the ice…" She seems to not really like ice, yo…
...Genkan rose a brow. "What's wrong with ice?"
...The fairy threw an arm out! "Y'know- Hell has a surprising amount 'a jackasses who use freeze binds and freeze trap stuff. Think they're bein' ironic, but like…" Furrowing her brows, she holds up the fingers on her offhand. "...Threeths of the place does it." What's a threeth. "That's a lot of people." Oh. That answers everything, dude.
"Ha-chan." I face the snuggle fairy. "Find us the library, dude. We gotta pick up a delivery…!"
"Wait- I got stuck with the library crew!?" Clownpiece realized her error! "Oh no~!"
"Wahaha!" I ramble towards her, dude! "You got got, son!"
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
...That took some walking. I'm gonna blame Remilia fer that shit…
"Oh~ my~ go~d…" Clownpiece looks ready to bash her skull into the nearest wall. "I wanna start a fire~!" Son…!
"I wouldn't do that…" Ha-chan softly faced her fellow fairy. "Chief put out a new order. Fairies who start fires now get fifty days in holding."
...Clownpiece grinned over at Ha-chan. "Wha's holding?"
"You get locked in a room all day!" She explains with pep! "An' it's padded, and you're sealed, so you can't get out! I've only been there once, for two weeks!"
How. "...How the frik'd ya do that?"
"...Uu~m."She makes a focused expression. "I think it was back when we were in uuh… eagle land I think?"
"Engla~nd…?" Fairies existed in England? Like, at all?
...She shook her head. "Nah- when I think, it wasn't Engle Land. But, it was 'cause I was feeding this like… guest I think. An' then something happened, and the water made me feel really good! I think I fell in!"
The water? Feeding? What the freakin' hell're ya talkin' about…
"Wow, you're dumb." Clownpiece insults her…!
Crea~k. Library doors have been reached… and breached! Behold, the omniverse of books. Tall shelves, boundless ceiling of brown dim fog, dust and darkness, etcetera.
"Be nice." Ha-chan gives her a compromising grin back! "Anyway- 'cause he stopped moving, I got put in the hold room! That was back when I was still really tiny…!" So she killed a boy, somehow? Or just KO'd 'em. She's somehow never exerted that much electrical power onto me. I dunno if moving to Gensokyo made a difference.
"How didja get bigger?" I had no idea fairies could even grow. I'd ask how long ago this was, but Ha-chan bein' Ha-chan…
"I dunno!" Son. Maybe Patchy'll know.
As we move into the shelf city, I, wow yeah that's a lotta shelves...
"I'm gonna di~e…!" Clownpiece gapes at the book palooza! "This is the worst thing ever. This sucks. This sucks-"
"We have picture books." I stare into her soul.
...After an idle moment, she gives me a few blinks. "I~'m not convinced. Show me these picture books."
Now that's a challenge. This library may be properly organized, but it's also got like ten football fields worth of actual shelvery! Also, shelvery is apparently a word.
"I couldn't find ya-"
"I can find them!" Ha-chan yells her cuddle response over me! "I think! Follow me!"
"How did we find the mage to begin with…?" Starin' at me again, Genkan tries to think back to before all this big dumb crazy bullshit befell us. "Wait. She led us here."
Yeah, that's fun innit. "Can ya sense where she is?"
"...I'm a yuki-onna, not a psychic, or vampire." Genkan shook her head… "For certain things, that works. There's too much going on in this library." That's sort of ironic…
So for now we're following Ha-chan deeper into the library. Clearly we've done something wrong here…!
"There's this really cute one, about caterpillars!" As we travel, Ha-chan tells us all about picture books. "And ladybugs. I wanna hugga lady bugga…"
"Lady… bug?" Clownpiece looks over at Ha-chan gingerly. "That does sound cuddly. What's a lady bugga?" Aw.
"Hugga hugga lady bugga!" Ha-chan wiggles in place as she steps ahead. She's reverted to caveman speak dude…!
"That don't really answer my question…!" Clownpiece grins over at her! "But they sound cute. Why're there so many not-picture books though?"
Before we can say anything, she floats up to a shelf, and grabs a red tome. "Like this stupid thing! It's like a brick…!"
"Don't open that." Genka~n, you literally gave her reason to-
She opens it-
BAAM! Woah shit! A flare rocketed out and splashed her in the face!
"Woaa~hly shit- crap, fuck…!" Clownpiece flails her arms and drops the tome! "What's with tha~t!?"
Thunk. The book lands closed before us...
"Stupid book!" She drops down and lands before it! "You made me look bad!"
Fwoom! Her torch flares with vigor, and she thrusts it down at the tome!
Fwoa- fwoa- fwoash. ...Instead of igniting, the book flashes a few times and makes healing sounds. What.
...Clownpiece's jaw slowly drops. "Fire books. Oh, no…" You healed a book. How can a book heal.
...Bringing her torch up-
Fwoom! She tries to just smear the fire all over the nearby books, and while it sticks initially, it's immediately put out-
Shi~ng! -by a barrier that initializes over all nearby books!
"Oh, no!" Ha-chan gazes across the shimmering surfaces! "You broke the books!" Broke 'em, dude.
"...I'm grateful that I don't have to put anything out." Relaxing at the preventative protective barriers, Genkan stares down the clown fairy. "Be more careful with that, before I put you out."
Clownpiece just chuckles at her. "Hehe~! Don't be ma~d." Gaining a wily smile, she reels her stocking-clad star 'n' stripe foot back.
Thunk. She kicked the tome-
Cla- clank, clank, clank! Dude, holy shit! A burning skeleton popped out! It also fell apart.
...Clownpiece stared at the burning pile that resulted, and her lips slowly began to curl up into a brilliant smile. "Not only do I burn your books… I burn your bo~nes!"
"Okay, what the hell…"
Descending from above, Koakuma frowns down at us. "You're back, huh…" For some reason, it's always fluffy when someone just floats down at us.
"Yeah, we survived!" I point at 'er! "My dream self took a rocket ta the face, and a shot ta his balls!"
Clownpiece guffawed unexpectedly. "Hu- huah…? Ya did what ta him now!?"
"Wha- yeah- he probably deserved it." Koakuma agrees with this idea! "I figured you'd be gone for longer than like… six or seven hours."
"We battled through an army of undead!" Wahaha~! "And then there was the wooble people…"
"You wanna see Mistress, yeah?" Koakuma propped her arms onto her hips…
"Ye." I nod. "If you could avoid raping us along the way, that'd be-"
"Berserk!" Pushin' with her whole body, Clownpiece thrust her liberty torch forward-
Fwoom. A warm-looking rush of flame briefly flashed across Koakuma's form, but she wasn't burned. Daah…
...Shenk. Noise audibly came from Koakuma as her nails extended to max length, and she leered down at us with hungry eyes. "Ehehe~..."
"Why." Genkan's stare was vain as the succubus descended towards us…
"Why not?" Koakuma held her wings and arms out fully, body shaking with anticipation. "Lick my heels, bitch."
She swooped down to try and kick at us-
Fwa~sh. Genkan froze her solid, thrusting both her arms up at her.
Thunk. The succubuscicle landed before us, frozen in her kicking posture.
...Facing the fairy again, Genkan shook her head a little. "We have water and ice magic, you know."
"I kno~w." Landing before us, Clownpiece slouched a little. "Berserking yourself is like having infinite beer. The only downside's that it wastes time I could be using to piss other people off…!"
"Do that and I'll freeze you, too." Genkan threatens her! "A berserk pyromaniac would be bad."
...Clownpiece smirks at her. "How about a berserk ice lady~?"
"Berska hugga bugga." Ha-chan's a hugga bugga right now. Freaki~n'...
"That won't work." Challenging her, Genkan proceeds closer to her with her arms firmly at her sides… "I can keep myself cold."
Preliminarily, I draw Deep Blue just 'cause!
...Smiling dangerously, Clownpiece thrusts the torch forward- "Bers- kah!?"
Thunk. A book hits her in the head! "Oww~...!" Dropping her torch, she feels at her jester hat… "Who the hell-"
"I'd appreciate if you avoided berserking everyone you see, hell fairy." Yo ho ho~! Patch the patch, man! I- I mean Patchy's here.
...Scrambled from the mage's appearance, Clownpiece's torch returned to her hand telekinetically! "No~ no no no. Purple mages are bad fuckin' news! No tentacles!"
...It takes like three seconds for Patchy to say anything in return to that! "I'm… sorry?"
"The last time I had a run in with purple mages, they uh." ...Pausing, Clownpiece shook her head. "But not this time!"
Fwoom. Oh, shit, she cast berserk on Patchy!
"What- no…!" Patchy threw her arms up when the magic whirled around her. A moment later, the lick of flames vanished.
...Once it was gone, she began drifting down towards us with accelerating speed!
Genkan holds up an arm- "Hold on, yo!" I pause her by holding up my own and doing jumping jacks!
Her gaze meets mine. "Why."
"'Cause, yo-" I'm tryin'a watch angry Patchy.
Landing, Patchy actually slowly stomps up to Clownpiece. Wow, that's cuddly…!
Clownpiece backs up slowly while Patchy bats at her little jester hat. "Nn- nnh…" She's putting a lot of effort into every punch, but after a few moments…
"Ha- haah…" She's all tuckered out, backing away from the fairy herself. "Uhf… ig- ignorant..."
...Clownpiece looks back at us and gives us a wink! "See? Mages're shit when they're berserked! They forget how ta-"
KROO~M! Holy shit! A big sword of grey rock erupted from the library floor!
"Oo~h ho~!" Falling out of the way of it and spinning into the air, the hell fairy beamed in disbelief!
"Rock volcanoes!" Ha-chan threw her arms into the air!
Whoo~sh. Air billows out from Genkan as she drifts into the air. "Snow!" Whah.
...While Patchy seethed in the air, a light snowfall began to befall the library. Like, just a slow, fluffy flurry, with big snowflakes-
Fwa~sh. What, no. Ha-chan's been frozen solid. By snow flurries.
"Au~gh!" Clownpiece drops her torch on the carpet again and begins clutching her head. "Co- cold…!"
...That torch hasn't ignited the carpet both times it's been dropped carelessly! I wonder why that is.
Fwoa~sh. Oh, the flurry made me and Genkan heal. I guess it does a tick 'a ice damage for some reason. Targets everybody!
...Patchy doesn't seem to get frozen or annihilated by it, but her eyes do go from crazed to dry. "Mr~m…" With a real mixed expression, she gets to continue now. Free from unbridled rage, dude.
...Clownpiece adjusts her hat once the brief, soft flurry ends. "Snow sucks so hard…"
"I don't take anger well. Particularly the non-specific kind." Approaching the fairy in the air, Patchy fluffs up a little…! "Mages without physical-related spells are useless, due to the differentiation in techniques. Those with them are on par with any afflicted marauder. Just to clarify your stupidity."
...Clownpiece smiled at her. "Does that mean no tentacles?" What's with this tentacles thing…!?
...Smiling, Patchy ran a hand across some tome she'd brought with her. "I wasn't planning on it, but now that you mention it…" Oh shit. I'm not sure if that's teasing or...
"Nope." Clownpiece lands, and begins to run. "Nope- nope-"
KROO~M! Another blade of rock erects, this one blocking her way. She moves to snake around it! "Nope! No-"
Genkan intercepts her, and holds on. "It's time for the tour."
"Nope! No!" Clownpiece flails wildly, trying to free her flank from the yuki-onna's arms! "Nooo~!"
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
Patchy's study is nice and spacious. Well, I call it her study, but it's one of many generic studies scattered about the library, this one fitted with like three tables with chairs, and a big desk for her.
Clownpiece is lying on a table, tuckered out for now. "Haha~nh." There was to be no tentacle rape after all, fortunately, yo. She wore herself out struggling…!
Oh, yeah. Maria's snoozing in a big fluffy chair nearby.
"I'm sure that localized snow would have had greater intensity outdoors." Patchy's discussing ice magic wit' Genkan. "The fact it worked to any scale at all in here either speaks to the library's volume, or your innate talents."
Sleeves of her kimono meeting one another, Genkan stood idly next to her desk. "It helps that you have mysterious air currents in here. I'm assuming you made those…?"
Koakuma was unfrozen and left to do her daily things, and Ha-chan's nearby selecting assorted picture books...
Walking up to Patchy, I nod the good nod…
While she slides some books around, the pages of one flipping around in the air next to her, Patchy regards my yuki-friend. "Indeed. It regulates the dust. Most of it is pushed out into the manor halls, and then the staff takes prompt care of it. Rather, Sakuya takes care of all of it." Wahaha.
"Isn't it like, three in the morning?" I regard the cuddle mage. "Why're you up, yo?"
...As a book settles on the desk before her, she looks up at me dryly. "Why are you?" Oof…
While I'm here, I should spend some time upgrading my bullshit. Everyone's sorta doing their own things right now- I literally got tables right here- so now would be a good time! Plus, Patchy might be able to help with any ghetto alcha-mixing I gotta do to make things awesome!
I start laying down hangers next to the deflated Clownpiece, because she's cuddly. Now that I actually take a look at her, it's curious how she's just got tight stockings for her bottoms, like a… clown. Maybe it's not so curious! I dunno why she's an America fairy though. American fairy adept at pissing people off. Also from Hell.
Maybe it makes a lot more sense than I give it credit for…!
Anyway, it's upgrading time, dude.
Sharper Than Darkness, huh. It's still got dream blood on the sickle. I wonder if that's different from normal blood. I hardly ever use the thing on its own 'cause I don't have much for dark spells or anything.
Swordbreaker I hardly ever pull out either, 'cause like… I haven't really made it a good hanger yet! It's pretty much just a nice base right now.
Hard Winter… s'pretty good, but doesn't always leave me with the most options. Provided, I forget to cast Gaia Bloom and Ice Shard half the time, but they're more useful when I'm not the center of attention, ironically!
Y'know what, yo…
Turning away from my table and the stuff, I march back up to Patchy and Genkan…
"Fire enchantments…" Genkan echoes something I wasn't here to hear!
"Mmm." ...Patchy nods idly, after a moment.
"Hello, friends." I greet them again!
"That reminds me…" Looking up at us, Patchy smiled. "How was your trip?"
"Degrees of enlightening, yet also awful." Genkan leaned towards her a little! "...It wasn't the worst thing to ever happen, but it was far from an elegant presentation."
Patchy was just indifferent to this criticism, staring at me expectantly…
"It was good, dude…" I nodded in pseudo-satisfaction. "My dream me killed boys. Then I was worried…!"
"...Interesting." ...S'that all she has to say? Wait nevermind- "That would explain that faux blood on… that blade." Had to consider her choice of words, there! "Hadn't taken you for one of the power-craving types precisely, but it makes sense."
"Speaking 'a power craving…" I give 'er a grin before I make my request! "I was wondering if ya could fuse some of them hangers together. To make a super hanger dude."
...After raising her eyebrows and looking discontent with the idea for a moment, she nodded. "It's possible."
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
Ho ho ho…!
Fzzt! Fzzt! Per Patchy's recommendation, I avert my eyes from the welding procedure, as she joins the three hangers together…!
"There's no way I'm actually melting these down into a proper weapon." She prefaces how much of a ghetto hackjob this fusing procedure is! Basically, she's just like… welding the very edges to one another to each other. Hard Winter acts as the hilt, and Sharper than Darkness is at the very tip and raised a bit, and Swordbreaker is just kinda beneath the sickle bit and also at the front, to act as a less dangerous broad bit.
Fzzt! Fzzt! It's a fun process, dude. I wonder what kinda combination I'm gonna end up with! Also, I'm having Patchy infuse that mimic's dark fragment into it to make it even edgier. If this doesn't give me a single dark spell to use in conjunction with everything else, I'm gonna be disappoint.
Fzzt! Welding noises, dude…
…
Fzzt! Fzzt! While those happen, I am curious now that we've got the moment… "What'd you and Maria do all day, yo?"
Fzzt! "Practice magic." Patchy replied aptly.
...Fzzt!
"Good." I know all that there is to know, dude. Then again, she is busy-
"Done." Oh, it only took like ten seconds. "...Considering the imprecision of these weapons, you should be able to simply utilize the benefits of all three like this."
Turning to me proper, she slides the big super hanger aside. "It should have added dark benefits due to that shard. I'd tell you not to kill yourself, but if you haven't done so yet with the ice enhancements you've slapped on, I shouldn't need to."
That's goo~d, dude. While I'm here…
I take out that bone I got. "Hey Patchy, I dunno what this is. I was wonderin' if you could also, uh…"
...She seems to just step back and exhale at what I drew.
Daa~h. "...Si't a reindeer bone?"
Slowly facepalming, she allows herself to wilt a little. Aw…!
"It came from a reindeer!" Let's clarify this for her, dude. "I was wonderin' if it's ice elemental, or-"
"That's not a reindeer bone, you… simple farmhand." Patchy snaps at me quietly…! "That's a blue dragon bone."
Oh. Dragon bone?
Genkan looks over from the sleeping Maria nearby, brows raised!
"Where did you find this?" She gives me an intense stare…!
On a farm, 'cause I'm a farmhand, dude. Alright, well- "A reindeer came down and-"
"If you've mistaken dragons for reindeer I'm going to have to re-educate you." Patchy begins to float into the air…!
"Yo- no, it actually was a reindeer!" I wave my hands at her! "...On a farm!" I don't think that helped my case-
Floating over, Genkan defends me! "It sure wasn't a dragon. That was the only bone that we found."
...This combination of qualities ended up stumping the Patch. "Genuinely…?"
Almost landing before us, she held it up for us to see. "It's brimming with magic force. This… this is quite a reagent. This… reindeer, what was it like?"
"It shot lightning from the heavens at us, and could charge through houses, and was made 'a pure ice." Fucking lightning god reindeer, dude. Just totalled that mini-farm's shack.
...Patchy stroked her chin. "Autonomous golem." Whah.
At my confusion, she clarified. "It must have been a natural golem. The potency of this reagent supports that. If you don't know, that means… a golem that naturally occurs."
Yeah, I could kinda intuit that much. "Ho~h. I think I'll slap that onta my water hanger!" Blue means water!
"...That sounds like a tremendous waste." Patchy's stare towards me is empty…! "I'll give you a few of any kind of reagent you want if you let me have this. Barring things that are on par with rarity to this, of course. Such as, mythril, bottled darkness, titanium, cosmic runes..."
Bottled darkness, huh. "...Huh. So what, ya'd just trade me gems?"
"Yes." Patchy confirms! "Magical gems."
...Hmm. I'd give it away- or not- if I knew what it did! "What do ya think it'd do if I attached it to a hanger?"
"That… shouldn't matter." Patchy is resolute in trying to deny me it! "...If you must know, blue dragons commonly have a water and ice affinity. In addition, much of their souls embodies anti-magical properties… more simplified, it's a powerful magical defense reagent."
Magical defense, huh. That sounds pretty important… "What i~f…"
She awaits me with an almost impatient stare…!
"You gave me something that increased magical defense… akin ta this?" I hold the dragon bone forward!
...After a still moment, Patchy nodded. "Not the request I expected, but that could work. Something akin to a reagent, or would you like an accessory?"
An accessory sounds good. "Probably accessory. So that y'know, don't gotta rely on a weapon to defend me…!"
"Mmm. Koakuma~." Patchy waves her hand in the air after drawlin' out her familiar's name…
...Lookin' around, she eventually centers her gaze onto me. "She'll be here soon." Hoh.
Fluff nuggets. Well, I've still got some other things to work with…
Settin' the dragon bone aside, I draw… Patchy's retro hat! "Duhuhu~de!" The one that made her look like a space alien!
...She don't comment, just staring down at it mournfully. Or, perhaps dreadingly…!
"Does this thing have any fun properties?" It's time to ask ten million questions.
"Slightly increases magical offense and defense." Patchy rattled off what it can do! "Nothing spectacular."
I hold up that moon crescent!
She elaborates on this without me sayin' anything! "Immune to silencing. Some moon resistance. Boosts magical attack."
Aa~h. What abou~t… I draw that star-shaped shell thing! "Yo."
"Water elemental shell." She explains it promptly. "...That's it." Hoh. "I found it in a cave off the coast of Romania."
Ho ho ho. "So ya guys are from Transylvania..."
...When she begins to idly part, I ask 'er another question! "Do ya- yo, do ya wanna trade fer this?" I hold the shell up hi~gh…
...After blinking at me, she tilts her head a little. "Maybe." I mean, she had it locked in a chest fer a reason. "As a reagent, it's pretty much worthless compared to what I have access to now." Oh. "I could trade you any gem for it."
Hmm.
...I look over at the deflated Clownpiece! "Hello, tiny." Strafing around the table to face her, I lower to look eye-level at 'er…
"No~." She objects to this, dude. "I'm tired."
I gently place Flame Salvo on the table, and press it against her face. "...I found fire."
"Nnh." She'd blind now, dude. I obscured her face with the hanger…!
"It's not very good fire." Time to deprecate it, dude. "It's not fire at all, dude. It's fliar."
...Finally movin' the hanger outta her face, she looks up at me unevenly! "Waddaya want me ta do 'bout it…?"
"Give it hellfire properties, dude!" Incendiary ten thousand!
...While Patchy goes off to do things in the background, I glance back at Clownpiece ta see her slowly grinning!
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
Alright, dude. From the trades on the fluff market… I received a necklace and a star-shaped gem. It's a good gem dude. The necklace is basically some kinda cyan gem on cool strings, and the star-shaped one just looks like a macguffin outta Kingdom Hearts.
Having found another fluffy chair from somewhere, Genkan was now seated near Maria, gazing on at my antics. "I don't feel exactly comfortable with this."
Woosh- woosh! I swing my upgraded Flame Salvo around, and it makes deep red streaks of flame in its wake! "Yo ho ho! Man, the heat off that…!" I dunno if it's the fire and burning weakness, but that's pretty oof just swinging it…!
The previously dull red gems imbued along it are now purplish and red. Also, I had Patchy weld my NERF Maverick to part of it, so now I can fire some good darts. If my thinking's correct, they're now confusing, unlucky angry darts. Just fuck people right up!
"One 'a these days…" Sitting at a nearby chair, Koakuma was relaxing… "One of these things ya throw together's just gonna explode. Then you'll have no hands, and you'll come to me to make it better..."
That was the most long-winded and forced creepy come-on ever. Anyway-
Genka~n! "What should I call it, yo?" This weapon needs a good name! "I'm thinkin'... the red scare, dude."
She shakes her head. "...The red scare. That's… awkwardly melodramatic."
Red Scare it is, then! "It's the Red Scare now, yo…! S'scary!"
"...I forget if you named anything else." She confesses. "In fact, why would you name your weapons."
Gasp, dude. "'Cau~se, yo…!" Ho ho ho! "They're the good weapons."
I've got Patchy's royal red doofy hat on now. No one wanted to do my hair up like her's in the portrait, though. Koakuma wasn't sure what the hell I was talking about either, so she couldn't, and I'm not letting her give me braids for no reason. Maybe if I find a school girl outfit…
...Putting away the Red Scare, I take out my other new welded thingamajig!
The dream variant 'a the NERF Maverick was slapped onto the Bawmber hanger. I'm not sure what I should call it, but…
Aiming it at Koakuma's legs, I focus on pouring my mana into it… and-
Click! Yeah, dude! An amber dart pops out and sails towards her legs! She stares at it as it flies under her chair-
Boom! It explodes beneath her!
"Ho- holy shit!" She leaps into the air and floats up! Wahaha~!
Genkan snorts…! "What? That's…"
"I'm a skoolatoon boomsmaster, dude!" I can now unload explosives on the unsuspecting populace!
"I feel like I've committed a crime." Patchy's reading from a book nearby, at her big desk! "This wouldn't be the first time, however."
Yeah, you let me live the first time I walked into here. I am a fluffle petting machine dude.
...Koakuma drifts down! "Watch i~t, you fuck."
...Switchin' out my new bomb hanger for the Red Scare, I aim it up at her. "Hugga hugga lady bugga."
"Lady bu~g!" Ha-chan yells out from her picture books nearby!
...Pap! I fire a dart-
Koakuma drifts out of the way. "That's not gonna fucking-"
"Baserk!" I'm gonna baserk her, dude. By channeling mana into it, I too can cast this!
Fwoom. Looks less impressive than Clownpiece's version, but the ring of dim fire that flared around Koakuma appears vaguely effective!
...While she wiggles in the air, I fire anotha' dart!
Pap! As it soars towards her, she just floats straight down towards me. It bounces off one 'a her boobs, and then-
"Nn- nnh…" Shutting her eyes, she just descends down and to the right-
Bam! -and slams into a shelf as she does so.
Thu- thud- thunk! Thud. Books tumble from above, almost enmasse, and they smash her to the floor. Probably just shy of like twenty books! Oof.
"Nn- nnh…" She tries to crawl onto her limbs, but gives up. "Fu- fuck… ev- everything..."
"Confusion, enraging and a luck deprecation." Patchy just raises her brows at the combo. "You have no need for this much utility."
"Oh yeah I do, yo…!" Kaboom shots and crippling debuffs! "I need it for when I have to fight one hundred thousand Yuuka Kazamis at once."
"None of those would even work on one of her." Patchy bears the bad news. Also, oh shit…! "You're welcome to test that theory out." Yeah no…!
I've still got that Hard Winter-Swordbreaker-Sharper Than Darkness fusion. I have named it Fallen Comrade in honor of dream me! And mirror matches in general, 'cause Revenge would sure throw another freakin' me for a loop. Also, comrade 'cause ice.
...Ha-chan's still reading her picture books, and I think Clownpiece's just taking a nap at this point. Genkan looks comfy, Maria's still asleep…
I think now's good 'a time as any to just relax and think, yo.
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
END OF CHAPTER 83
PROTAGONIST: Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Fairy Slayer, Accidental Human Slayer, Robot Demolisher, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Village Liberator, Eientei Crucible, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Factory Disassembler, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine, Sky Climber, Amateur Espionage Practitioner, Illegal Fairy Harborer, Conscientious Party Member, Winter Warrior, Village Revolutionary, Has Forgotten What Half of These Titles Stood For, Holder of Too Many Titles.
PRIMARY WEAPON: Fallen Comrade - Giant hanger made of three smaller ones. Sharper Than Darkness is at the front edge of it with the sickle facing out, and Swordbreaker is along the broad front edge to engage blades. Hard Winter makes up the backbone of the thing and the hilt so that it's actually wieldy!
STATS:
Slightly debuffs target's physical attack on impact.
Fifty percent darkness resistance.
Attacks are darkness elemental.
Sickle end may make opponents bleed.
SKILLS:
Revenge - Skill that increases in strength when health is lower. Power doubles for each deceased party member. Power is increased by fifty percent for each defeated party member. Fairies count as defeated rather than deceased no matter what. Power and effects depend on current weapon. High accuracy.
Bloody Mess - User bleeds faster and longer.
Jack Hammer - Not sure how well it works as a jack hammer now...!
Generic Buff - Channeling mana into the hanger gives the user a marginal increase in physical stats! Moderate increase to physical defense and offense.
Pulse - Basic dark magic, which creates an influx of dark magic in an enemy's form and stresses their whole body. Reduces magic attack.
Gaia Seed - Basic earth magic which intensifies Earth's pull a little. May make targets slightly tired.
Gaia Bloom - Advanced earth magic, which intensifies Earth's pull, with multiple instances of hazy earth magic. Makes the target tired.
Tundra - Crate-sized spike of ice that erupts under people and throws them off balance. Hurts a lot if they fall on it, though! Basic ice attack.
Ice Shard - Advanced ice magic. May freeze enemies. Creates ice magic in their body, before initializing fully by flash-freezing the air all around them.
Combo Plus - User artificially gets an extra hit if they feel like using it!
Combo Jump - User cancels out of combos easily.
Frost Trail - User leaves frost in their trail while jumping.
NON-EQUIP SKILLS:
Lucky Star - Non-elemental attack that does very random damage to one target. Star that drops from abo~ve!
Scent Pillow - A spell taught by Koakuma. Summons a pillow endowed with the user's love fluids… which, for males, is, euh…
World's Wimpiest Fireball - A spell learned from a book given to me by Patchy. Summons a really, genuinely terrible fireball that only ignites the weakest of fairies.
Lumen - Low-grade holy spell that eats all my mana. Requires a source of holy to actually be cast. Homes in on an enemy and deals a burst of mediocre holy damage.
Double Jump - A skill I got somehow! Allows the user to jump twice. Avoid fall damage, maybe!
Perspective Holder - Um…? I am the primary perspective of this story!
INVENTORY:
[Bag of Holding] - A small bag that always seems to be conveniently unaffected by whatever weird crap happens to me. Never enlarges, almost always gives me what I need if I remember it's there. Infinite inventory space. I would like to know where it actually puts all my stuff though…
==o==
WEAPONS:
=o=
Youkai Inconveniencer - A holy plant hanger, which works as a flail 'cause of the cross necklaces attached to it! Boosts the power of holy skills.
SKILLS:
Flash - Blinding magic. Works best on dark-elementals, but also works on youkai. Humans too, kinda.
Flashlight - It's a flashlight! Might blind dark youkai, I dunno…
Shine - Basic holy magic. Generates a holy orb in the target's body, which hits 'em with raw holy and stuff...
=o=
Fairy Harp - A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. It was used to hold a generic potted plant before being utilized as a weapon of mass skull-cracking destruction. Has a grate slapped onto it, and a steel block! Sparkles, too…! Oh, s'also got strings, man…!
SKILLS:
Gust - Basic wind magic. Pushes the feeble…!
Fairy Dust - Weapon status effect replaced with fairy dust. Wind attacks with this weapon get fairy dust all over the enemy, debuffing their sinuses!
Bootiful Instrument - I can play music wit' it, dude!
=o=
Red Scare - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of purplish-red gems and crimson metals. Boosts the power of fire skills. Also's got the good NERF gun attached now!
STATS:
Danmaku confuses the target.
Danmaku degrades the target's luck.
Danmaku may berserk the target.
Ignites things with physical impacts.
May berserk targets on physical impact.
SKILLS:
Hellfire Plume - A jet of hellfire. Berserks the targets, and isn't put out as easily. Not quite a grease fire, but unless it's totally frozen into oblivion, it ain't goin' out! Obeys fire resistance like any fire, though.
Fume - Makes hot air fume from the earth below. Might sear the feeble.
Berserk - Non-damaging fire spell which berserks a target for awhile. Can be removed with water or ice stuff!
Danmaku Adaptability - Now that there's a NERF gun on it I can shoot the good danmaku dude.
=o=
Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Boosts the power of wind skills. Pushes air on swing!
=o=
Deep Blue - A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Boosts the power of water skills.
SKILLS:
Freakin' Leaks! - Can produce limitless fresh hanger water…!
Geyser - Basic water attack. Gush of water erupts from the earth and might fling the feeble…!
Valve - I can control the water flow with this!
=o=
Bee-Fitty-Fore-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Made of a lot of weird freakin' parts and stick bits and piston things. Has a NERF gun slapped onto it too!
STATS:
Danmaku explodes, dealing knockback and splash damage.
Accuracy falls moderately when used to fire danmaku.
SKILLS:
Boom - Hitting stuff makes booms!
Danmaku Adaptability - Can also shoot the good danmaku, dude.
=o=
Million Bucks - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger, from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion. It's a gift from Flandre Scarlet! Has an obsolete map of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself, along with some shoddy enchantments!
STATS:
Lowers user's defense slightly.
Attacks are electric and holy elemental.
Attacks travel through matter
Attacks become magical rather than physical.
SKILLS:
Panic Attack! - Run faster when health is lower!
Magic Attack - Physical attacks are converted to magic attacks, and fluidly pass through objects.
Combo Jump - Allows the user to transition to jumping while mid-attack.
Aerial Plus - Forced aerial support! It's vaguely easier to hit aerial foes with it!
Air Slide Plus - Lets the user awkwardly air slide.
Glide - Replaces Brad's double jump skill with gliding.
High Jump - Increased jump height while running.
=o=
Fragile Flower - A cute hanger with floral designs and light colors. Aesthetically pleasing!
SKILLS:
Enfeebled - Wielder has halved physical defense and offense.
Cleanse - Basic healing skill which cleanses one target of all debuffs or status problems.
=o=
Dream Hanger - A stock hanger similar to the one I had before fallin' on into Gensokyo!
STATS:
Clunky and uneasy to use…!
=o=
Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.
Market Gardener - Critical hits during blast jumps! Otherwise, it's just a normal, old plant hanger. Named after a very similar shovel…!
NERF longsword - 'CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals'… you know what that means! Maybe one day this will actually come in handy…
NERF longsword: the sequel - Now I can dual wield these useless, narratively non-existent armaments!
==o==
ARMOR:
Camouflage Kimono - This kimono means business, son. Hopefully helps hide me better in the freakin' brush…!
STATS:
One hundred fifty percent ice resistance.
Fifty percent freeze resistance.
Fifty percent dark resistance.
Negative fifty percent fire resistance.
Negative fifty percent freeze resistance.
=o=
Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Wear to become a NEET! Tons of pockets! Voice, face, and height specifications not included!
STATS:
Seventy-five percent time resistance.
=o=
Yellow Racecar Helmet - It's like a really knockoff space marine helmet! It feels like it's got good physical defense, too… at least for my head.
STATS:
Fifty percent sun resistance.
One hundred percent freezing resistance.
One hundred percent blinding resistance.
One hundred percent electrical stunning resistance.
=o=
Lunarian Prototype Space Suit - A suit meant for combat in deep space. So far, it's only got the whole 'exist in deep space' part down…! Has an oxygen tank, but that's only useful if you wear the helmet to go along with it.
STATS:
One hundred percent electricity resistant.
One hundred percent freezing resistant.
Randomly casts Zero Gravity when it feels like it.
Zero Gravity - Area of effect spell which removes gravity from debris and the feeble!
=o=
Lunarian Prototype Deep Space Helmet - It's a freakin' space helmet.
STATS: (alone)
Fifty percent blinding resistant.
STATS: (paired with Lunarian Prototype Space Suit)
One hundred percent electricity resistant. Again, yo!
One hundred percent resistance to burning and poison.
=o=
Testing Oxygen Tank - The oxygen tank used by the Lunarian Prototype Space Suit. Lasts for two and a half minutes! Not meant to actually be used outside of testing, but it's possible. Refills automatically in breathable air.
=o=
MP Prize Pin - A badge that allows the user to drain some of the enemy's mana, forcing it to become mana prizes on the field. For awhile only the user(s) of this badge may pick them up, but after a grace period anyone can.
STATS:
Extends prize grabbing range!
=o=
Sun Badge - A badge that looks like the sun. How interesting, dude.
STATS:
Fifteen percent sun resistant. Wow.
Fifty percent resistance to blinding and electrical stunning.
Replaces the on-impact effect of all weapons with Sunfire Flare.
Sunfire Flare - Flash of light that blinds everyone. Doesn't work on the sun-resistant.
=o=
Stock Outfit - Blue, long-sleeved shirt with a huge V-neck button-up collar. Blue sweatpants. Most balanced outfit.
STATS:
Negative five wind resistance.
May make the wearer tired.
=o=
Retro Patchy Hat - A really old hat of Patchy's. It's freakin floofy, du~de…!
STATS:
Moderate increase to magical defense and offense.
=o=
Moon Crescent - Patchy's favorite accessory.
STATS:
Immunity to silencing.
Twenty five percent moon resistance.
Moderate increase to magical offense.
=o=
Anti-Magic Amulet - Deep blue, crystalline necklace given by Patchy in exchange for a blue dragon's bone.
STATS:
Sharply increases magical defense.
=o=
Reimu's Outfit - Shrine maiden clothes, dude. Holy resistant, but I dunno how much! Even comes with the bindings and tubes and ribbon 'n' everything!
Reimu's Ribbon - Man, that's cuddly looking.
Hakurei Arm Sleeves - How do you wear these.
Remilia Scarlet's Mob Cap - Twenty five percent dark resistance. Lets me be a Touhou, too!
Monk Robes - Wear to become a Buddhist! Actually pretty comfy…!
Gravity Boots - Boots that reduce the user's gravity! More like, propels them off the floor a little. Reduces the effectiveness of space statuses on the user. Really weird to control…!
==o==
CONSUMABLES/OTHER:
Twenty six thousand, nine hundred Yen - ...Yeah, just in a bag. It's about time I documented how much freakin' money I have!
Four Health Potions - They give you youkai-like regen for like, thirty seconds! No chuggin' these babies to indefinitely survive the cold reaches of outer space. Unless the regen outdoes the asphyxiation, but I think I'd rather die by that point…
Mega Potion - Youkai-like regen for thirty seconds… except for the whole family! Applies to entire party. Good for when we all suck at life!
Four Mana Potions - Restores an average amount of mana, I think. More than enough for someone like me!
Three Panaceas - Cures all status effects. I dunno if it works on debuffs, though...
Akihito's Broadsword - Too big for me to use as a weapon. I wonder if I could use it as like, a tent stake or something.
Butterfly Dream Pills - Makes you dream of being a beautiful butterfly!... now, if only there was a pill for lucid or wet dreams, and then I'd consider Yagokoro the doctor to end all doctors!
Rope of Red Bikinis - Wahaha! Gonna getcha, son!
Some Fancy Key - A key lent to me by Brittany. Wha- why. What's it for…!?
Youkai Exterminator Badge - I still have this, dude! Yo ho ho! Allows me to not be considered a youkai by most guardsmen!
Yellow Star Gem - A star-shaped yellow gem. I really should've asked Patchy what this did…! It's shiny and luminescent, though.
Sweet Sleep Pillow - Doremy's nice cuddly pillow. Really soft. Random chance to survey you on pillow quality while you're sleeping.
3DS - It's about time I recorded the fact I have a 3DS!
Another 3DS - Especially 'cause I picked up anotha'!
Picture of Sendai Hakurei no Miko Sleeping on her Side and Facing the Viewer while Drowsy - ...Yeah uh, what it says on the tin. Reimu must see this, dude…!
Masturbation Pillow - It's really good, dude. Soft and pliable.
==o==
RANDOM CRAP:
Tables and Furniture - Impromptu furnishings!
==o==
PARTY:
London, the Multipurpose Combat Doll - What it lacks in brains it makes up for with a suit of armor and some OP utilitarian spells! Can cast basic fire, lightning, and ice attacks, both the magical and physical variety. Has lance, can shoot danmaku. Variety of attack commands now, including intelligent tracking, trailing, patrolling, and defending. Has mana pool for the stronk commands, though, so those should be used sparingly. I really have to remember to use her, at some point!
PRIMARY WEAPON: Shanghai Lance - Burly lance with jabbing ability. Mostly useful as a blunt object, it seems, and intimidation factor. London really likes it, apparently. London shouldn't have sentience, but I can't help but notice the awkward way which it just pauses before it swings this lance.
==o==
Genkan, the Yuki-onna - A bitter yuki-onna from Gensokyo's wildlands, mostly active in the winter, and on particularly cold days. Heals from ice damage. Commands powerful control over frost, and has a wide variety of ice-affinity attacks. Weak to fire and burning.
SKILLS:
Ice Control - Freely use ice to make stuff. Inherent one hundred percent ice resistance. Negative one hundred fire and burning resistance.
Freeze - Instantly freezes one to two enemies. Low chance of working on stronger foes.
Creaking Freeze - Generates a spinning, magic snowflake in an enemy's body, which instantly freezes them after a moment. High accuracy.
Glacier - Erects a massive blade of ice from the ground, dealing incredible physical ice damage.
Triple Glacier - See above, but on three enemies! As such, costs triple the mana!
Ice Spin - Spins and lashes out with chilling frost. Probably just an extension of her normal frost powers and not an actual skill…
Ice Shard - Advanced ice magic. May freeze enemies. Creates ice magic in their body, and freezes the air around them.
Snow - Make it snow locally. Very minor ambient ice damage to everyone on the battlefield, including allies. Has a low chance to instantly freeze someone for no reason.
Yuki-onna's Embrace - Hug. Binds target close to her. Makes the target tired, severely lowers accuracy and magical defense, and makes them comfortable. Skill may only be performed by yuki-onna. Negative facets reduced by ice and freezing resist. Someone with over a hundred resistance will be buffed and healed by it…!
Yuki-onna's Entombment - Final, optional stage of the hug…! Guaranteed instant death inflicted by the draining of vitality. Heals the user for the heat taken from the target. Does not work well on bosses or the instant death resistant. Instant death proc is nullified if the target's ice or freezing resistance is over fifty percent. Skill may only be performed by yuki-onna.
Other Skills - Probably has more spells, but freakin'... I dunno her like a textbook!
INVENTORY:
Absolute Zero Kimono - A better version of the stock yuki-onna kimono. Has new trims and stuff!
STATS:
Two hundred ice resistance. Genkan only receives one hundred since this is her stock apparel…! Still adds up to two hundred 'cause of her Ice Control skill… and being a yuki-onna and all.
Negative one hundred fire and burning weakness. Doesn't affect Genkan since this weakness is native anyway, but oof.
=o=
Two thousand yen - Her remaining total after spending money on our upgrades.
Bagged Money - Some money Reimu got for us, to pay for our irreversible trauma. She's friendly, dude. We haven't counted it out, yet!
I dunno - What would I~ have if I was a sexy ice woman?
[unknown spaces remaining]
==o==
Maria, the Actually Ordinary Magician - A villager from the human village. Used to run the most impoverished bar ever, but that fell under or something. Really low self-esteem! Resistances and weaknesses depend on equipment. Can cast basic elemental spells!
SKILLS:
Fire - Small, homing fireball of doom. May ignite foes! Doesn't do much damage.
Fira - Slightly larger homing fireball of doom. May ignite foes! Kinda explodes so it does do okay damage!
Blizzard - Spread shot of big snowflakes. May chill foes.
Blizzara - Big spread shot of myriad ice chunks, with magical snowflakes whirling around inside them. May freeze foes!
Thunder - Random spread of bolts in an area! Zaps people…!
Thundara - Random spread of bolts in an area which explode on impact with the ground. May stun foes.
Charm - Boosts magical attack of self or an ally moderately!
INVENTORY:
Pine Frost Staff - Made with pine wood and an icy reagent. Also good for bonking things! Twenty five percent ice resistance, one hundred percent freezing resistance. Negative fifty percent burning resistance.
SKILLS:
Ice Shard - Advanced ice magic. May freeze enemies. Creates ice magic in their body, and freezes the air around them.
=o=
Casual Freeze Clothes - Casual, neon villager garb. Bright yellow shirt with a blue snowflake stitched onto the front, a bright blue skirt, and a tan vest. Looks about as garish as your regular Touhou, now!
STATS:
Fifty percent ice resistant.
One hundred percent freezing resistant.
=o=
Wood Staff - Good for bonking things!
Magical Lens - A lens that shoots la~ser bea~ms! ...When you input mana into it, anyway, apparently. Gift from Marcus Kirisame!
[Travel Bag] - Inventory that exists! Does not take up inventory because it is inventory. Eight slots.
Two Mana Potions - Guess wha~t? It heals, except mana!
[four spaces remaining]
==o==
Hana, the Electric Fairy Maid - Hello again, friend! You're fluffy. Healed by electric magic. Immune to electric stunning!
SKILLS:
Little Zap - Basic electric magic. Zaps a target twice with static from above!
Random Electric - When pressured, uses random electric spells that exist.
Electric Control - With true power, she's able to stun opponents into submission by touching them, apparently.
Electric Elemental - Three hundred percent electric resistant. One hundred percent resistance to electrical stunning.
INVENTORY:
Hana's Fairy Maid Uniform - Stock standard uniform from the mansion! Cyan-tinted in places to match her hair color. Honh...
==o==
AUTHOR'S NOTE:
this was a fun chapter
it resulted in being pretty huge in the end but i wanted to fit everything into there before the next two of this batch
it's also really really varied in its themes and i'm not sure if that's good or bad but for now i'm assuming it's okay XD
there's really no other way to pace going to dreamland yo; especially 'cause flandre just TOOK OFF LIKE A ROCKET YO
rocket flan
but anyway yeah that was our taste of the cosmos for the time being - w - that and we gave my weapons an overhaul 'cause there's actually been more substantial battles recently so he gets to wield more effective weaponry yo
so yeah all of that happened
s'probably kinda whiplash compared to the previous chapters but we'll be slowing to a more reasonable pace as we continue - w -
and really everyone except for genkan basically got a huge kick in the ass forward in terms of their skillset, mostly 'cause she's already got pretty strong skills and doesn't use much more than innate talent which is hard to build off of
brad threw more stupid crap together and maria actually learned magical theory \ ;3
also we got clownpiece romping around with us now 'cause she's cuddly, but just for the grand tour yo
also hecatia when she feels like it because tour
this chapter was probably a lot of information to take in but hoh
that and part of the size was just… descriptions, DIALOGUE, EVERYTHING
TAKES UP SO MANY WORDS DUDE
so yeah
next chapter'll play it just a little cooler - w - we'll see yo, less building things and soaring to infinity and more party bonding (although this chapter had a weird degree of that too)
also i'm sure everyone saw the incident things in the works, brad pretty much witnessed part of a cutscene from touhou 15.5 while he was up there
as always, see you all next time!
