(Where, we have a barn day, apparently…)
Haa~h.
So, here we are. The Human Village. The sun's beaming down on us, the air is nice and cool… and I'm already anticipating something terrible will happen. I'm never sure what to expect.
'Freakin'... ID stands.' Brad's voice is audible, but only to me. 'Y'know what? We should. Get our freakin' dog tags!' I'm not really certain what he's talking about. 'Dog tag' is probably a term for something degrading. It's fitting, too.
...Maria's leading the way while I lose myself in thought. It's sort of ironic, but necessary.
"...The um…" It's kind of quiet when Brad's not in the equation. Maria tries to fill the void… "I know where the guard place is, where they'll be selling the IDs."
"So that's where we were going." I hadn't totally forgotten, but I may as well have. Between here and a few paces back, just from the gate's onset, I had a curious mental block…
In any event, we're nearing the village square. All these unassuming people… it's sort of surreal by comparison to what we've seen. For some reason, nothing in the books I read are like this. Never so condensed, never quite so… weird. I'd written it off as the difference between fiction and reality… but some differences are so pronounced. Where are the horses? What is an ocean? Well, 'what does it look like' rather.
"Hey, lady." What now…
'Aw. Lookit the noob, dude…' You've still never told me what a 'noob' is.
We're basically at the village square, now. This generic man with metal 'plates', for lack of armor, approached me. "You have an ID? Kinda new thing. Look like a youkai."
"...We were on our way to obtain one." I return. "If that's alright with you."
...After a moment, he nods. "Alright. Actually, I'll even come wit'cha. Show ya to the place, an' all that."
Maria was kind of already showing me there, but I'm sure no isn't an answer. I don't reply, but he moves anyway, getting my message. Maria herself looks a little displaced, but silently moves to follow with us anyway…
Hana romps by me. Where did she come from? She always does this…
...She stops near the guard, and he just gives her a glance.
'Do fairies gotta get IDs?' Brad wonders aloud. Considering her wings are right there…
"Do fairies need identification?" I decide to ask.
...Looking back at me loosely, the guard just looks ahead again. "No." ...There's our answer.
"Why do you only like…" Hana's actually decided to speak. "Don't knights wear full suits? You guys're always in this weird… outfit thing!"
...Turning to the fairy, he shrugged. "No money. I'm just a patrol guy." Makes sense.
'A patrol guy, dude.' Yes, Brad. I heard him. 'Y'know, can't we just get around all of this with my youkai exterminator badge thing?' ...That's probably a little weird to pull out right now. They've also got youkai detectors. Badge or no badge, they'd know.
I just shake my head. I think he'll get the message.
"You should have a full knight suit!" Hana continues to pressure the random guy. "...I should have a full knight suit!"
'Yea~h, du~de!' That's a terrible idea, and you know it. I don't think she's strong enough for that sort of thing. Can you imagine her electro-charging her armor? Considering how often she wants to cuddle, that's… that's a safety hazard.
The patrolman snorts. "I wish."
...Eventually, we come up to a large, stone foundation. A structure that's quite regal by comparison to the one-story houses next to it stands about three-four stories tall, with decks for every level. It's quite an opposing structure…
"Wh- where'd this… come from?" Maria gaped up at the huge thing. I don't remember seeing this either…
"...You haven't seen the new headquarters?" The patrolman looked surprised. "That'd figure, I guess. Finished it just a few days ago. Well… been finished. Got renovated."
It looks like a disappointing amount of resources went into it. I'd suggest we investigate it, but I don't think we'd be well-received…
"Do you guys have candy…?" Hana seeks candy from the patrolman.
"No." He answers pretty resolutely.
...Hana suddenly looks apprehensive about the structure.
"Go on in and tell 'em you need an ID." He instructs us. "They'll know if you're youkai."
Saying nothing to him, I continue up the five or six stone steps, up to the open double doors…
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
Maria, me and Hana are all inside the structure. Immediately, we see a small line to the right. To the left is a set of double doors that are closed, and right ahead are some stands with 'clerks' but no one being serviced.
...Looking back, I see some different guard idly move after us, not necessarily following us-
Thunk. He hit something invisible, and fell backwards. "Oo- aah…! Aah!"
Thud, thud, thud. ...Okay. He fell down the stairs. He's probably not alright, but that other guard can see to him. 'Wahaha! Seikatsu got him, dude!' Oh, right… that invisibility is sort of scary. I suppose if we ever truly forgot about her, she'd remind us when we hurt ourselves… either regularly, or by wandering into her by complete accident.
Ahead of us, a purple-haired samurai clad in red and white gave us a weird stare, ceasing counting the money that was currently in her hands.
For some reason, I feel pressured here… and I don't like it.
"I think it's this way…" Maria moves ahead of us, and-
I grab Hana before she can wander off and do something stupid. "No. This way…"
"Aaw…" She pouts as I drag her by the arm over to the line.
...Ahead of us, this shifty looking red cat-... stands. She's the one we saw the other day, the one that got her fur singed by Yuuka Kazami.
There's also a different cat girl, this one with brown fur.
Thump- thump- thump- thump. Her tail thumps against the ground at a rate of about… twice or thrice per second. She's really excited. Her hair's also really unkempt, and she's got a farming outfit on…
These two cats are night and day compared to one another.
Maria waits in line with me and Hana. Hana doesn't technically need to be in line, but she's definitely getting killed if we just let her run around and screw with people.
"Kitties…!" This is alright, because we have cat people, and it's keeping Hana distracted. "Ooo~...!"
...She starts to gravitate towards the red-haired cat, so I let her go.
Once she reaches her, she begins to reach a hand out to pet her-
"Do not pet me." The red-haired cat girl turns to her, expression neutral and eyes alert.
...Hana innocently looks to the side, and her wings give a few cute flutters.
...The cat girl looks ahead at the brown-haired one-
Hana places her hand on the red cat's head-
ZAP- ZAP- ZAP! "Ehahaha~!"
She lights up a bright cyan after the red-haired cat shoves some kind of device into her-
Zap- zap- zap! ...The electricity is fed back through to the cat girl, and her fur frizzes out. She spasms a little too, but once contact is broken, she just looks disappointed. "...I wish you hadn't done that."
"Waa~h…" Stumbling back-
thump. Hana sits down, looking pleased. "Ehehe~... I- I'm glad I did that…!"
"What the hell's going on…?" Some plain, aged man looks out from behind a nearby, open doorway.
Red hair already has her electric device away, looking casual with her immensely floofed out and frizzy hair. None of us have moved otherwise.
...Frowning in a satisfactory way, he returns to whatever he was doing in the next room.
"Ne~xt." An old looking woman returns to the counter ahead. Ah. We weren't moving because no one was serving us.
The frisky brown-haired cat girl stomped up to the counter-
"Hi- IwouldlikeanIDformyfarmbecausewemakealotofstuffandIdon'twannabekickedouttathevillage!"
...What.
The fair-haired old lady with glasses just tilts her head forward in disbelief. Her glasses slide down her nose, too.
'Oh my god she's cuddly dude.' Brad's not wrong, but…
...The old lady presses a square pad on the desk-
Ti~ng- chachank! There's that mechanical noise again. Probably checked if she was a youkai.
"...Okay." She spoke, and then- "Kau- kauh…" -cleared her throat. Or choked. Not sure. "...What's your… what's your name?"
"I'mYaseiNattsuandIreallyreallylikecheeseandfarmandwork!" No~...
'Duhuhu~de…!'
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
The speckled pattern on these ceiling tiles… I don't recall seeing a lot like it.
'Dude, one dot, two dot.' Brad's bored out of his mind. '...We should change places in line!'
"No." I protest aloud. ...Maria stares at me, but ignores my outburst soon after.
Before us, the red-haired cat girl is just about done with her order. The article itself is being finalized for her, she's just standing there waiting on it.
'You should tickle her whiskers, dude.' It's like having a devil on my shoulder.
I whisper to him in the silence. "What good would that do…?"
'Cats are tubby, dude!' No, I don't think that helps. I might have agreed for that cute farmhand kitty, but this other one just looks methodical and shrewd. It's not a fluffy tail she's got, either.
"No." Quieter than before, I shake my head at him… "Do you know how bad of an idea switching would-"
Fwiosh!
==== BRAD'S PERSPECTIVE ====
Fwiosh! Woah, shit…! '-be? Oh- oh…!'
Maria jumps, as I land on the ground next to her! The kitty turns to me, too!
...I tug half of Fallen Comrade from my bag, and wave it around awkwardly! "It's ti~me for my… ten thousand yea~rs reign 'a bloo~d!"
'No- shut up, don't- you-'
Fwiosh!
==== GENKAN'S PERSPECTIVE ====
Fwiosh! "Ugh- stu-..." U- uhm…
Oh- oh. I'm holding that new hanger thing in my hands, and I had to stand up from a crouching position, for some reason…
Quickly sliding it away, I look innocent.
"Wha~t in tarnation…!?" The old woman leans into the room from a door past her desk, glowering around.
...Nothing to see here. Everything's perfectly normal.
...Frowning complacently, the old lady returned to whatever she was doing. Oh- she's coming out now, with the new ID for the cat. "All set."
Once she places it on the counter, it takes a few seconds, but the red-haired one replies to her. "...Many thanks."
As she walks off with it, the old lady whips her gaze across all of us. "...Do any of you know what that noi~se was? Sounded like a kid yelling…"
'It was the gorillas in the mist, dude…!' At least try, Brad…
"Might've been a ghost." My answer's not a lot better. I feel stupid now.
...Nodding skeptically, the woman presses that pressure plate on her desk again-
Ti~ng- chachank! There's the youkai-detection.
'You really shoulda said it was the gorillas in the mist, yo…!' Maybe next time. It probably wouldn't have mattered…
"What's your name, honey?" The old woman adjusts her angled spectacles... "Species and birth date, too…"
My name, huh…
'Gonkan.' Wh- wh- no. No…!
...The old woman furrows her brows at me. "Wha's so funny?"
"No- nothing…" I may as well be insane, at this rate. "My name… is Genkan."
She jots this down on a noteboard thing. Board with paper on it. "Mkay…"
"I'm a yuki-onna." Not really any reason to lie, though. Especially if the village is getting official about this sort of thing. We don't need any stupidity with the guards…
'You were born in seventeen eighty nine, dude.' ...I don't at all recognize the date Brad references. That's about sixteen hundred years too many.
"Any last name?" The old woman looks up at me. Well, no-
'Genkan Gonkan.' Be quiet…
Since I sort of mull over her question in my moment of distraction, she takes my grinning silence as a 'no'. "Not uncommon, amongst youkai…"
"I was born sixty years ago." I don't feel like doing the math. Not my exact age either, but it's close enough.
...Furrowing her brows, the old woman looks up at me. "What… year would that be? Minus twenty?"
'What, no~.' ...Guess I'm doing that math.
"It's just seventy." Approximately. I'm actually sixty-two, but by comparison to some of my sisters, they stop counting the single digits. I've heard some used to stop counting…
"Mmm…" With that, she continued to fill out the board.
Hana stomps up next to us, dragging Maria along with her, who was trying to hold her back. "I'm bo~red…"
"Be bored." The real challenge is getting this done before Hana kills someone or herself. "Again, we'll get you a lollipop later…"
...Pouting, Hana slinked back, allowing Maria to awkwardly tug her back using her entire body.
"Have you lived here before?" For some reason, this woman looks very discontent.
"No." The answer's still not at all.
'Yes, dude. You ran for mayor once.' They'd assassinate me. Or, try. I can still be killed in my sleep, I'm pretty sure.
...With that, the woman nodded, and looked up from the board, finished writing. "You got twenty thousand yen?"
...What? "Why...?"
Her gaze becomes flat. "ID costs twenty thousand yen." ...Ugh. That's…
'Yo- that's a freakin' scam!' It really is. 'Dude- that's bullshit. Fuck the church dude- here's ninety-five reasons why.' Now hold on…
"Is there… anything cheaper?" My words make myself cringe. There's nothing cheaper. If I was paying attention, I would've noticed the price earlier. Stupid…
...The old lady rolls her eyes. "We~ll. There is a work permit. Your first month's free, until it runs out. Then ya pay more per month. If ya got a house, you can't keep it with just a work permit. To live in the village, you need identification- mkay?"
A month is well more than enough time. "I would like a work permit."
...She does that 'mildly satisfied' frown, before moving to the right. Drawing a quill pen from nearby, she starts writing on a little pad…
Fwip. She draws the top pad from the collection of joined pads, and passes it to me. "Here you go. Next!"
...It's… a piece of paper. With my name and information on it. ...Okay. Not quite as glamorous as those things the other people left with. I guess I'll put it in my pocket.
'Wow, a sticky note.' Brad's about as satisfied as I am. 'That's goo~d, dude.'
The old lady rearranged the papers on her clipboard. Ah- Maria has to get one, too. I guess she'll just take a work permit. I think that guard said something about it being free for humans, but that could be me misconstruing things…
...Once Maria's at the desk, the lady presses the pressure plate again-
Ti~ng…
...Her brows raise at the non-reaction from the device. "Aah. ...Alright. What's yer name, little girl?"
"Ma- Maria." She provides her name. "Yamada."
...Nodding again, the old clerk woman begins to turn. "Yes. Actually have yer information right here… mmm. Have that fer ya in a jiff. Family's lookin' fer ya, y'know."
...That's a sentiment. I thought her foster father died. Who could be looking for her? I hardly remember who the other two were, but… they're not really what comes to mind when I think of the household's previous tyranny. Was there a mother? I remember there was this one guy… Brad hit him, and then I froze him. That could go for a number of things, actually...
'We're lookin' for them, dude!' Brad wants to fight them instantly, of course. 'Tell them ta come ta us!' I'll do something about them if they're problems.
...Wait, is Maria even getting charged? Did that woman just go to make her an ID for free? So humans are getting special treatment here. Distasteful…
At least it favors us. If Brad ever gets one, it won't break him, either. '...Freakin' ID. You think this'll end well? The whole ID sitchiation in general...'
"...Not really." I whisper to him while we have a moment. "Not sure how it'll work."
'It's kinda weird to just… pop up outta nowhere. Really heavy handed, sorta…' Brad's mildly more likely to be sedate when he's forced to spectate everything. Next time he acts up, I should look for his hand again.
...The woman arrives back with Maria's ID. The document was of slightly purplish wood, branded black with a symbol, on one surface, and on the other there was information pertaining to her identity. Her name, age, species as a human… as well as the current date.
'Dude, current date is my favorite date.' I have no idea what you're talking about.
"Here ya are." She hands it over to Maria, who just readily accepts it. No money transaction…
"Why do youkai get charged?" I really would like a good reason. I'm not expecting much…
...Rolling her eyes, the old lady sighed, before flipping the papers off of her noteboard, and holding up one in particular. "Ahem. ...Kauff. Ah- ahem! It is to~... provide sufficient evidence… that the youkai in question is capable… in participating in our community ec- community's economy, and is therefore not a- no threat to it. If looking for the required money, you may visit the jobs board, the chief financial officer, or the high priest."
Between her horrible reading and chronic illness, that seems like… a half-truthful reason. It doesn't really feel genuine, but arguing against it… would take such time and effort. It's not really a problem for me, anyway, so…
'That's shit…!' We can't fix everything, Brad. 'Freakin' who makes these laws…!? I wanna have a discussion wit 'em!' You want to talk? ...I'm not sure if that says something about the power of bureaucracy, or if he just really cares about this. Normally his solution would be to find the nearest governing office and attack it… or so I assume.
But, he brings up something we could follow. We're investigating, after all, and this is sort of staring us in the face. "...Who initiated this law? Out of curiosity."
Thrown out of her world of sorting papers, the clerk meets my gaze again, becoming increasingly discontent. "...Well, word down the vine's that our new Chief Financial Officer, Irma Grese, set it up. Right after, Toyosatomimi no Miko- I think- she became the High Priest, and made it a little more lenient. Been a law for a few days, now. I've been busy, busy, busy…"
What kind of name is Irma Grese. I suppose this helps us. "Thank you." Let's leave. I don't want to spend another minute in here.
...Hana's ripped all the couch cushions off of one of the public couches, and hid under all of them at once. Once we move for the door, she erupts from them. "Yea~h! Let's go go go!"
Maria flinches in response to the uneven cushions erupting… 'Wahaha!'
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
We're now at the center of the village, before the job board…
"Well…" Maria's looking at the board semi-purposefully. "Where, um… where should we start looking?"
...I have no idea. Reimu gave us literally no direction. "...This is going to take some thought. Reimu… didn't really get a chance to tell us anything."
'Yo ho ho~...' Brad doesn't have an idea, but that's never stopped him anyway. 'Dude- I'm the king of directionless wandering…!'
"I'd like to put a little thought into it this time, okay?" You've had your day. In fact, you've had multiple days. "...I'm gonna call the shots, today."
...Maria's grinning at me awkwardly. "Geez. Okay…"
"I- I was talking to Brad." This is the second or third time this has happened.
"Oh, right." Maria nods… "I keep forgetting. 'Cause he isn't, you know… here."
Right. Well, anyway…
While we're here, we should do a job or two. Both for the money so we can eat, perhaps, and so we can fix one or two problems while we're here.
Speaking of, there's not actually many jobs on the board right now. Well, you have the standard-looking fare of 'do my chores', and practical jokes… this one series of posts looks like one long argument between two illiterate people.
Also, there's a giant poster of Toyosatomimi no Miko in the middle of the job board. She looks deranged in this art style. There's a Taoist shrine behind her in the poster…
Right underneath are some job ads. Conventional looking ones…
'If looking for work, visit Small Packages. Speak to owner Irma Grese'. Has a heart next to it, and everything. That's… not great. Wasn't that… where we almost died? Being powerless is the worst feeling… when you're about to die. I guess that's to be expected. It's still horrible…
'Irma Grese…? Who the freakin'...' I'm going to agree with him on this one. Not sure what kinda name that is. 'What happened ta Matt anyway…!?' Who?
I think the better question is why the CFO is associated with that place. We might wanna put a hold on finding her, if she's one of that one abomination's associates.
...This one job is in chicken scrawl. Let me… try and read it.
"Aw…" Hana makes small noises while I look up at some jobs… "I wanna small package…"
...Me and Maria simply frown at her, before going about our things.
"What…?" She looks bemused at our disapproval. "You guys just don't like cute things…"
'Freakin'...' Even Brad doesn't agree. 'Where's that put me, yo…!?' You might want to stop talking.
This job here…
'hlep on firm! we lost it and now its gone. oogie board. wegga board! village farm west big left straight no aky'
'It's the good job…' Certainly…
...I look over at Maria, and she holds up a job she found. "I found a little easy one, about a pizza place…"
I guess we both picked kind of casual jobs. Well, mine's a farm one. If there's any manual labor, I can switch to Brad and have him do it. Not that most things that trouble humans can strain me, but… some things are just too troublesome. That, and it'd give Brad something to do. I've probably been driving him stir-crazy.
'Wegga boa~rd!' Case proven.
"This farm one has piqued my curiosity…" I decide. "Let's give it a try."
Maria gives me a satisfied nod. "Okay…!"
…
Thunk- ri- rip! Hana slips on the ground near the board, and tears about fifteen jobs off with her as she tumbles. "Wohohaa~...!"
"Really nice." It's amusing as well as disappointing…
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
'So that's when I was like…' Brad's been telling me bad stories for the past few minutes. 'Ou~t in tha' west… they called me Stahl.' I don't think that's a name.
"What's a boot spur?" I know what it means to spur someone on, but I've never quite seen a boot do something like that. As- as it should be…
'It's when a boot spurs.' That's not helpful at all! '...S'like one of those spinny metal star thingies, for like the back of a boot!'
"Because I know what spinny metal star thingies are." While I look insane to everyone around me, I take in this neighborhood we've wandered into. It's the village's comfy rich climate again; we've passed the 'magic shop', and are now moving down along the stone road. The directions said to keep going straight- so I think.
'Like… metal spiky stars on hinges! I need a picture…!' Brad cannot describe boot spurs. Considering how weird the mental image is, that may be for the best.
"That sounds like a weapon." Is the farm just straight ahead? I don't see many farm-like things immediately… but we're also not at the end of the road yet, and the wall of the Akyuu estate sort of muddies things.
'...I mean, it pro'lly could be!' Now you've really lost me… 'Dude! Instead of plant hangers, what if my weapon was boots with spurs on 'em!?' I don't have anything to add to that line of thinking…
...Maria's staring at me plainly while we move. "...What's up?" I decide to question her...
"Aah. No- nothing…" How peculiar.
In any case, our banter comes to a halt as we near some actual farm gates. This farm is… not sizable, but by comparison to everything else offered by the village, quite sizable.
'Woah! S'like… a tenth of an actual farm! Well, more like a freakin' speck, but y'know...' No, I don't know. How big are your farms supposed to be…?
Up ahead of us is the actual gate to it. It's surrounded with a wall, for probably good reason, although it's so small that it's superficial. You could scale it with a box.
By comparison, the gate's twice as big as the wall. Made of cast iron, it stands between two ten-foot-tall walls of thick square posts. They're like more civilized palisades, I suppose.
The gate itself is ajar, with a pink-haired woman in a white dress eating from a watermelon slice before it. She's seated atop a flimsy-looking crate before the gate itself…
"So, this may be where the village gets its fruits…" I always wondered how, despite what I hear about climates, this tiny place always has a variety of fruits. Maybe those things I heard about climates are still false, if it can all be grown right here.
"...Ah." Maria simply nods at this sentiment. "...Sweet Ranch." She points up at the sign over the gate. "I thought this place was made up."
'It sounds made up, dude.' Maybe it is. Well, anyway…
"Sweet Ranch!?" Hana gets the wrong idea immediately. "Yea~h! Candy!"
"No candy." Time to put a stop to this. "Fruit."
...She cheers again. "Yeaha~h! Fruit!" Well, at least it's not inaccurate.
Drifting ahead of everyone, I move to convene with the purple-haired woman before the gate.
...As I near, she swallows a mouthful of melon, the juice dripping down her chin and into her white, sort of tight cloth 'dress'. It ends before her small skirt, so it's not really a dress. "Oh? He~y…"
"Hi." I keep brief. "...Did you post this?" I hold out the poorly scrawled out job.
She smirks at it with curious blue eyes. They're a shade lighter than they should be, although I'm one to talk. "My farmhand did. You wanna work…?" Looking me up and down, she reaffirms her smirk to me. "You don't look the working type, hone~y."
"I'm strong." I suppose. Above human. "...My friend here, too. Knows magic." I gesture to Maria, who doesn't want to say anything-
"Omf!"
...Hana bites into her watermelon, while she's holding it.
"Pft- whah…" The lady grins at the fairy, before lightly 'slapping' her hand against her head. "He- hey, off! Off! Who're you!?"
"Mmh- mm- mmh!" Hana speaks with her mouth full, and still sunk into the watermelon.
Shunk. She takes a big chunk off. "Mmhmm!"
'Yeah, dude! Fruit fuckers two, dude!' Ah- whah…
...She tries to latch onto Hana, but the fairy turns away-
Ti- ti- ti- tick! Her wings flutter against the aristocrat's face-
"Achoo!" Setting her watermelon aside, the woman gets off her crate, eyes teary with fairy allergens… "A- achoo! Co- come here…!"
"Hmhmhm~!" Hana romps around the side of the estate with her mouth full, while the girl runs after her. "Hrm h~m!"
"I- I'd like your ID…!" Shaking an arm, the girl sprints after her. "I'll arrest you!"
…
Well.
'We did it, dude.' Very much so. I think we've already been fired.
"Umm…" Maria's not sure what to do from here. Maybe… we'll just… leave-
Oh. Someone walks out from the gate-
Thump- thump- thump. "Ohheyareyouherefrommyjobpost!?" Oh, it's her. The hyper kitty…
...Stepping up to her, I decide to pet her.
"Oo- ooo~...!" She pushes her head against my hand. This has all been worth it…
Thu- thu- thu- thu- thump! ...Normally cat's tails thump faster when they're angry, but this cat seems to be on some kind of overdrive from happiness.
...Once I stop petting, she gives me the smuggest expression.
"...So um…" Maria approaches her easily. "About that job-"
"Hehe~!" Lunging forward, the cat girl glomps Maria and begins nuzzling her…
Caught off guard, Maria drops her staff. "Woa~h...!"
'Hyper kitten…!' Very...
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
"So!"
Clack! The aristocratic girl marched ahead of the lot of us, slapping her riding crop down in her palm. Hana was now sporting red lash marks along her face and arms…
"...Ow." The girl shook the palm she struck with her own implement. "An- anyway! You're all here to work, yes!?"
'What if you said no, dude.' We'd be kicked off the property, probably. Or worse.
As we walk, we've already reached the center of this farm-esque… well, it's definitely a farm. It's just not big. In the midst, there's a huge barn house that we're approaching, looking more like a manor than an actual barn. Smaller barn houses surround the right side of it, and we're just coming up to one of the alleys between the brown manor front and one of the red sheds.
Hana's not very happy about being whipped multiple times with a riding crop. "...Hi- hiccup…" She's also got the hiccups between crying, which is both awful and hilarious at the same time.
"YesyesI'mheretoworkonthefarm- I'm- I'm afarmcat!" Brown hyper kitty responds, but I'm still not sure what she's saying. I can work it out after a moment, since she just speaks in segments.
"I know you are." She stares back at the cat dryly. "I'm trying to teach these idiots."
When did we become idiots? I guess she has lumped Hana together with us. Oh well.
...Stopping in the shade of this area between the barn and the manor, she props her arms on her hips. "Okay! So, today, you're gonna be doing two easy things for me!"
'Aw. How to make money in two easy steps. Villages hate it, dude.' Considering this place, I wouldn't put it past someone to disagree with hiring youkai period. It'd be weird to turn them down from farm things, though. 'Aw. When she walks away, you should fire a dart under her that explodes, and then get surprised about it!' You're being given too much time to think…
"One… you're gonna move my daddy's stuff." She rather unceremoniously defines our first job. "He's got a lotta important metal things he needs moved to the basement lander. Yasei'll show you where everything is."
Daddy? That's a rather juvenile way of putting it…
'Dude, daddy's stuff.' Now that I'm thinking about it, 'dude' is a curious way of referring to me. 'Daddy's cummies…!' Wait, what-
"And then…" She points to the shed aside us. "Beside this shed, there's a bigger one. Go to the door in front of it when you're done. I'll pay you then…"
With that, she began walking off. "Oh, yeah! Get it all done today, or I'm kickin' you out!" Nice. How many boxes is it, then…? Not that it should matter, with my abilities…
...After a few moments, she's gone. A gentle breeze rolls between the buildings. I'm not usually fond of sunny days, but this one's okay.
"Lemmeshowyouguyswheretofindtheboxes…!" Super fast kitty moves slowly at first, before living up to her personality as she accelerates away.
I have to accelerate like her to keep up, and after a moment we zip around the corner to the back of the small barn, leaving everyone else in the dust for a moment.
"Ohthey're notoverhere- let's tryoverthere!" Oh- woah. She darted away…!
I snap after her, flying across the barnyard to reach the back of the manor-
"Ohyeahit'soverhere!" Finally, she zips somewhere within viewing distance, stopping by this really crummy looking yellow shack hidden behind the manor itself. Back here, I can see a huge patio deck structure… thing. I'm not into architecture.
'Hoh, shit…! You guys went super fast!' Flying fast in Gensokyo is sort of important.
Hana and Maria reach us after a minute. Within the really terrible wood and stick structure, there were some metal crates, totally clashing with everything else about the barnyard…
"Enh!" And there was a, um… "Unf!"
Clack! "Enh…!" Clack! "Unh…!" Clack!
There's a sort of wooden… structure? No, that's… that's a half-humanoid crate. It's a crate girl. "Enh!" She's jumping around on a raised, rustic red wooden platform. Just… in a circle. "Enh!"
'What. Du~de!' Brad's surprised by it. 'It's a crate girl! Holy shit!' It is rather… baffling. How?
"Hi~ box-chan!" Kitty calls out to her. Yasei was her name? Yeah.
"Unf!" She just keeps jumping around in that circle, not replying.
Turning to us, Yasei smiles. "She's shy. Don'tgorunnin'uparoundupdownaroundherthough! She'll crush you." What…?
...On second glance, there was a bloody smear on the rustic platform. It looked old. 'Whaha~ tha- ka- kauf…! Oh, shit- inhaled- saliva…!' I'm not sure if I blame you.
"...What?" Maria's suddenly worried.
"Butnoonegoesnearher!" Frisky kitty practically glides up to the shoddy yellow shack. "Sofirstyougottamovethese!" She gestures to them before doing a little cat dance…
Well. "Oka-"
"Thenyougottamoveher!" The kitty points over at the mansion to our left… to clarify: the poor shack's behind the mansion, between the shack and the mansion is the red platform with the… crate girl, and to the left of these things is the actual mansion.
Oh. There's two metal crates against the manor wall behind us. One of them is really tiny, and is wedged beneath a huge one.
"Both of them?" I look over at the farm cat…
She shakes her head. "Actuallyyoumovetheoneonthebottom. Buttheoneontopisscared."
...Scared? What- okay… "I'll… take your word for it."
Pivoting on her heels to face away from where we were looking entirely, the kitty begins to jump and point up. "The la~st o~ne's up the~re!"
...Oh. Wait…
I missed it at first, but… in the middle of a field of plants behind us, there's a ladder. It simply goes up, and it stops at a platform suspended in midair. I can see the glimmer of a metal box from the top of it, even though its existence defies all known laws of gravity.
Regardless, that'll probably be the easiest one, because I can fly and levitate things. "No problem."
...The kitty looks sort of perplexed by my reaction before giving me a big smile. "Okay! Ifyouhaveanyquestionsorneedhelp, feelfreetoaskme!" Yeah- sure…
Wait. "Where do we put these?" I'm not just making a pile without knowing where to make it…
...The kitty blinks, before smiling. "Oh, yeah. There!"
Shi~ng! She thrusts a pitchfork the size of herself out of nowhere, jabbing it towards this… really weird-looking metal landing. It's got yellow and black coloration around the outer rim of the platform, and the middle panel has guard rails and a console of sorts on the back.
'Is thatta freakin' industrial elevator?' Brad comments on this design… 'S'awful outta place, innit?'
It looks like something the kappa would make… so I suppose it would be. I give a little nod to show him I'm listening…
The pitchfork Yasei materialized from nothing is gone. "Okay! NowI'mgonnagofightaplant!" With that, she breaks into a full sprint into the distance-
Woosh- shi~ng! Leaping through the air and performing a forward flip, she swings a broad but short sword around herself as she sails, before the weapon vanishes entirely upon landing. She's already many yards- now she's out of sight...
...How weird.
I look over at Maria to see what she thinks. She meets my gaze…
"...I can't lift anything, really." She assumes the boxes are too heavy. She's definitely right. "Sorry."
"Don't be." I shake my head. "I'll have this done in a few seconds." Now…
While I could instantly lift all… six or seven of these huge metal crates out of the flimsy shack here, I've got a fun idea.
Fwiosh!
==== BRAD'S PERSPECTIVE ====
Fwiosh! Oh- woah shit!
Oof! I land on my ass…! "Yo…!"
'I'm taking a quick break.' Now, yo…!? 'Do your best.' Haa~h…!? Yo!
Freakin'... how, yo!?
"A- ah…!" Maria's surprised! "...Hey, Brad. You know, um… what's going on, right?"
"Yeah, dude." I give her a thumbs up! "I'm the B-team today, dude! We'll get these crates moved in a jiff!" Yo ho ho! Let's-
Oof! "Brad-ku~n!" Ha-chan just freakin'... glomps me!
With her clung to my side, I march into the dinky shack! It's the nutshack, dude.
...Like, the sides and roof are so crappy, the sun travels through no problem. You can see everything through everything, in spite of this door that's literally the size of the boxes.
...Alright, dude. S'time to get to work!
With Ha-chan at my side, I draw Fallen Comrade, and move up to the first box!
Tink! I hit it, dude! Wohaha!
…
Tink. I hit it again, and realize I'm literally doing absolutely nothing. "Hoh, shit…"
Tink! What the hell're these made of!? What's in them!? I think breaking them open would void the warranty… and our paycheck.
"Wo~w…" Maria's either impressed at how tough the boxes are, or how bad my strength is!
...For some reason, I also feel really good out here! It might just be cold, or I… hmm.
'Looks like fun.' Freakin'...!
Let's try to freakin' nudge it, dude. "Tundra~!" Channelin' energy into Fallen Comrade, I thrust it inta the floor-
KRI~NG! Holy shit!?
...A sorta lopsided blade of ice erupts under the crate-
Krack! -and after making it raise a bit, the blade freakin' shatters beneath it-
THOOM. Holy fuck. The ground shook. What's in these crates…!?
...Did I just make one 'a Genkan's ice swords!? Duhuhude!
...I look over at Maria, and she looks as pleasantly surprised as I do!
"Bi~g…!" Ha-chan sizes up the metal crate!
...Alright yo, let's use the good strats.
Huggin' both arms to the base of the hanger abomination, I channel energy inta it…! Strength wells up into my form from the thing itself, and then I try again! "Tundra!"
Thunk! My hanger hits the dirt-
KRI~NG! Yo~! This time-
"Eee~!" Ha-chan falls out of the way as the crate tips over-
THOO~M… It ends up on its side. Where it was, a big, ugly-looking, uh… 'ice blade' stands. Not quite as neat looking as Genkan's!
"Yeah!" I did that! Hohoholy shit! "I am the crate asskicker!"
'I think that's enough of that…' Oh shit-
Fwiosh!
==== GENKAN'S PERSPECTIVE ====
Fwiosh! Alright. Let's do this…
'I need an auto-revive, dude! I've been grabbed by the ghoulies…!'
...But first. "Get out of the barn, everyone. There's not a lot of room in here…" Some of the boxes are stacked on one another… and would surely kill any of us if they just directly fell onto us. Hana would probably be fine with that, though.
Maria's quick to get out of the way, but Hana might need another minute to think about it. "Why~?"
"Or else you'll be crushed and die." Honesty is the best policy.
...She furrows her brows at me. "I don't think so." What…?
...To make my point, I hold my hand out, and begin to raise the closest crate-
BAM- BAM- BAM- BAM! I make it hit the ground repeatedly-
"Aaa~h!" Hana flees, as anticipated.
...Good. Now that I'm alone, I can get down to business.
THOOM- THOOM- Shoo~f… Rather easily, I slide the four ground-level blocks forward. The two atop them come down, and I slide the two atop the back two atop them. I'll probably have to remove these first four before I can get the last six out, then.
Shoo- shoo- shoo- shoo~f. So I move further inside and do that. One of the blocks to the right is awkwardly jutted out, however.
Shoo~f. Sliding that one out, I float over it.
There wasn't another block behind it, actually. There's a… treasure chest, however. 'Woah, yo! Treasure!'
"...I mean… it's not ours." This is a little too convenient. Even if it was shoved behind a bunch of multiple hundred bound steel blocks, and likely forgotten. If I moved the blocks wrong, it would've been crushed. It's made of really old looking wood…
'We're just on the village overworld, so it's pro'lly not gonna be a freakin' mimic again.' ...You say that. It's probably scryed if anything. Then again, knowing this village… 'C'mon, yo…! Also- can't you use telekinesis to open it, maybe? So there ain't even a risk of getting yer head lopped off?'
I'm not really exact with it. "Precision's not my strong suit…"Maybe I can make some ice, and unclick the opening mechanism with it. It just has those metal rungs that keep it closed, no locks or anything of the sort…
...Very, very carefully, I stand twenty feet away, and let my ice creep along the ground. Once it reaches the chest, I… lower my eyes, and let it reach the rungs. I can't typically push anything like this, but I can make the ice expand beneath the metal and push it out like that…
Cli- click. I'm successful…
...I do the same for the edges of the lid, and then-
Crea~k. It swings open.
…
My efforts are all for naught, because nothing leaps out or explodes. 'There we go, yo.' That's sort of disappointing. I should be able to repeat that for any non-locked chest we see, at least.
Let's see what's inside. This is wrong, but…
"This feels wrong." I can't think of a good excuse for why I'm plundering this, but I am anyway.
''Cause it is…!' That sure helps. 'I mean… the way it was set up, uu~h…'
He trails off once I pull a dress from the chest. It's… it's a pretty bad dress. This is a horrible dress.
It's got a wide chest area, and… the top's literally just a bikini. It has a skirt, and arm sleeves, but for a top it only has a bikini bra. It's all cow-styled too, except for the belt for the skirt.
'Holy shit.' It's pretty bad. 'The best dress…!' This must've been some kind of kinkplay outfit. 'We should keep it!'
"...Why." Let's be realistic about this…
'...Why not?' Really?
"Because it is a bad dress." I wouldn't feel the most comfortable in this. "I'm not wearing it."
'...I can wear it then!' That might be even worse…!
But… I can detect magical properties of a sort off of it. Really…
I decide to pocket the garbage anyway. 'Yo ho ho!'
"Don't celebrate just yet." I warn him. "It's magical. The next time we visit a tailor, it's being melted down into something more presentable."
'What!? Oof…!' There's very little chance I'm putting that on. Were it not magical, into the trash it would go.
There's also some candles in here. Emergency supplies? Or, well… maybe more kinkplay supplies. Ugh. Let's leave those.
...Oh. There's an actual sane dress in here. It's got rural oranges and yellows, and also seems to be made for a generous bust… and yet it's actually ninety percent modest. Different magical properties. Not a fan of it either, but it's not reprehensible, or regrettable for public use.
There's also an iron cross pin in here. 'Yo- what the fuck.' ...Brad's surprised, for some reason. It's trinkety, so I guess we'll steal it too.
...Now that we're done being the reason villagers despise youkai, I think we can go.
Shoo- shoo- shoof- THOOM- THOOM- shoof… I slide the rest of the blocks out rather readily.
…Now we're outside, once I've moved all the big silly blocks out. There were nine in all.
"Why'd you pause, in there…?" Maria is innocent to the horror.
"Turned out to be complicated." I lie. "Now… to get the other one down."
Turning away from Maria and Hana, I start floating up…
'The village is confusing, dude…!' This is a gruesomely late observation.
...Up around the top of the high platform, I look down on the village. The ladder goes up to just above the manor… which itself is twice the size of the village's actual walls. Not too high up, but pretty weird.
...Sliding the crate from the top- oh- oh…!
I descend in tandem with the crate, channeling my own flight energy to make it not fall as fast. Not sure if I should just let it crash… but since it'd destroy the fields below, probably not.
"Nn~gh…" It takes effort, but eventually-
Thoom. There. Now to just drag it back to the rest. That makes ten boxes.
"You're really strong…" Maria speaks of my power as I return. I guess.
"...By comparison to humans." In truth, I think it's just more that humans are really sort of weak.
"Still." ...Still what? That doesn't make me actually strong. And, when I'm using it to move big dumb boxes around, is it really that remarkable…?
Now, for this last box… the little one being smushed by the bigger one. Not sure whose bright idea this was. 'Dude. Big tub, little tub.' Legitimately.
Alright. Let's move this big guy…
I channel my magic into it, a- and…
"Nn~gh…" That's… really heavy-
Kra- krank- clang…! Oh, it's- it's shifting…!
My focus is broken, as the giant metal block atop the smaller one begins to change shape entirely. What is this…?
...It takes the form of a large, metallic woman. Her steel, featureless skin glistens in the daylight, as she peers her navy blue eyes down at us.
Sitting atop the littler cube, she simply folds her legs and arms.
"...Hello~?" I call out to the big woman… thing.
'That's a bi~g metal lady…!' This is my first time seeing a giant steel crate girl too.
...She frowns down at me. Okay.
"We need that crate you're sitting on." I make this as simple as possible. "It would please us greatly if you could move."
"I will never move." It's never simple. "...Something dear has been taken from me." So you sit on one crate in particular.
"Get up and find it." Come on, now… "You're capable." You're a giant steel woman.
'What if we gave it the cow costume!?' I highly doubt that would mean anything to it. It won't even fit.
...Brad's somehow been right about these things before, so I listen to him this time anyway. Floating into the air before her, I draw the cow costume from the hammerspace bag and hold it before her. "Is this what you lost?"
...She furrows her brows at me. "Hardly. I had it for many years. It is no article, but an object…"
It was worth a shot, I guess. 'Oof.'
"If I could obtain it… I would." Closing her eyes, she remains hunched between the mansion and the block she's seated on. "I've been seated on this block… for thirty years." That's…
'Freakin'...' I await his response. 'At this point I'm sorta convinced that this girl's daddy- or his wife- s'actually some sorta freakin' wizard!' Well, certainly. This is a pretty weird yard…
'Also- how badly's a that tiny block chafin' inta her ass…!?' Pft. Well…
Let's appeal to comfort. "Do you really feel comfortable, sitting there all these years?" I feel like this line of reasoning won't end well, but I'm trying it anyway.
...She grimaces at me. "Have you ever sat on a piece of gothic architecture for two hundred years? Gets right up your arse. By comparison… this is heavenly." To accent her point, she brings her bare metal arms behind her head, and faux-reclines…
If she says so.
'S'a little late to be talking gothic architecture…! The mansion was like a chapter ago!' That's an interesting way of putting 'yesterday'.
"What did you lose?" Let's solve this puzzle right, at least.
...She gives me a small frown. "Something important to me." Okay- really…
"You'll need to narrow that down." I don't know you.
"It's not something you could get back." She declares.
"This isn't something I can just leave alone." I'm not backing down. I don't see how sitting on this crate and impeding our progress is supposed to be anything other than faux-sentiment.
...She frowns at me again. "You're exceedingly foolish. I'll tell you what. Come a little closer, and we may discuss things of… another nature."
That's a threat. Great…
…
'Lemme- lemme giver 'er a try dude.' What. No. 'I got an idea!'
"If you get close to her, she'll kill you." I speak to him aloud, just because I have to. "Don't."
'I ain't gonna get close…! I ain't that dumb, yo!'
…
Fine.
Fwiosh!
==== BRAD'S PERSPECTIVE ====
Fwiosh! Alright, dude…!
"Yo ho ho~!" I below up at the metal giant! "I see yo~u! Tiny metal giant!"
...She doesn't emote at me. Cold as steel!
'Excellent.' Genkan critiques my strategy thusfar!
...This worked before! Genkan coulda done it, but this is easier than talking to her directly…!
Channeling mana into Fallen Comrade as I take it out, I let my arms and body fill with strength once more… "Alright, boys…!"
'Wait- are you…' Genkan knows what's up, dude! 'Oh, no.'
"Tundra~!" I rotate around for no reason at all, and-
Thunk! My hanger meets the ground-
KRI~NG! The ice blade erupts somewhere! I can't see it, though.
"Enh!?" Her jaw dropping, the big metal girl's hands and legs fidget awkwardly…! "Aa- aah…"
...I look back over at Maria, and she's got her hands to her mouth!
…
After a still moment of the big metal girl fidgeting about, she grits her teeth and-
"Wuaa~!?" She leaps up from the rather depressing-looking, crushed ice blade, which had to have been up her ass…! "How dare you!?"
Oh shit! "Genkan- help!"
Fwiosh!
==== GENKAN'S PERSPECTIVE ====
Fwiosh! Oh, no-
I float up into the air, as the big metal girl navigates over the blocks I'd pushed out, and begins to move for me. "What makes you humans torment me in such a-"
ZAP- ZAP- ZAP! Once she navigates far enough from the manor- just to the point where she might be able to step on the crops- white lightning arcs from the residence. "Aa- aanh…!"
THOOM. She falls over onto her side… "Uu- uuh…"
…
'Not quite what I had in mind, but uh…' I mean… it worked. Something really strange is going on here. That much is obvious.
"You didn't have to violate her." I think that's what happened, anyway. That, or it and the metal interacted really weirdly. Wait… she doesn't have anything down there. Alright, I don't get it.
'How else… could I displace that stick in 'er ass!?' Ah- pftuh… alright. Didn't see that coming...
Well. I kind of feel bad for her, but… I think we'll come back here later. With powerful company, maybe. Or we'll just tell Reimu something weird's going on here. This metal girl needs help, but if she's been binded or enslaved here, I don't think we're in a good position to fight or help.
Out of curiosity, I move up to her… "Hey."
...She stares back, but just frowns at me. She's really afraid of something, and I can feel it.
"...It'll be fine." I pat her on the head. "We'll come back for you later, if things are actually weird here." She could also just be a huge jerk with weird obsessions.
"Aaa~h…!" Hana dashes past me-
VZZZ~... Woah!
I duck out of the way of a really big wasp…!
"Ge- geh it awa~y!" Squealing, Hana flails her arms as she runs in the opposite direction. "Woahaa~h!"
Maria's understandably freaked out. "Thundera!" She seems to thrust her staff into the air on impulse as it nears-
Zap- thwash- thwash- zap, zap- boom! Bolts arc down from above instantly, spanning a wide radius. Most of them explode into harmless electrical storms against various plants and the ground, but the last bolt to touch down exploded against the insect.
Thwash! All I got to see was a brief flash of light and wild electric strands. Sizzling wings and green goo splattered from the red wasp's form, as it crashed to the floor on its back. The rolling static fizzled in its form, and it was left sizzling even after the electricity was long gone...
'That's a big damn bee…!' It's pretty much as big as Maria. 'Now it's a dead bee.' Dead bees are good bees.
"So big…" Eyebrows raised, Maria neared the dead insect… "Um. We should take its stinger, or something."
Oh, right. That's a thing mages like, isn't it? Hovering up, I promptly bend down-
Shink. -and tear the stinger from the insect corpse, one hand on the black part, and one on the pod butt. Green and black ooze pours out from the circular, suction-y socket, which is worrying. Must have been a far lesser-youkai, because it didn't have anything normal to it.
'The inventory grows, dude…!' Have fun poking your hand on this later. Into the trash- I mean, bag it goes. Maybe I should be more vocal with my humor sometimes…
...Nodding at her achievement, Maria looks up at me. "Alright. Now… to push those boxes, right?"
Oh, yes. I'd almost totally forgotten, between the metal woman and being attacked by a giant hornet.
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
There we are. All eleven boxes on the 'industrial elevator', as Brad put it.
'Seems so quiet with just you guys out there!' It is, and it's good. Not the greatest, but it's alright. Maria doesn't like to speak, and I'm usually too distracted to focus on talking…
"I don't know how you focus on talking so often." Now that we've got everything placed on the lift, we're moving to that other farm house that speed kitty and that aristocrat wanted of us. I want to ask her questions, too.
"...This is wei~rd." Hana's got the butt of that dead wasp. Just, disembodied. Yes. "...I don't like this!" Why'd you pick it up…?
Splat. She chucks it at a wall, and it explodes into goo. 'Wahaha!' We're civilized.
...We move out from between the two farm houses. The one to the left is the one we're heading to, so I turn…
Ah. There's the aristocrat girl. Her dress seems to be cleaned of watermelon juice, so she must've changed between now and then. The sun's high in the later half of the sky now, too. We spent awhile just screwing around with boxes, even with my powers. Not too long, but even so.
...She looks up at me, and smiles. "Couldn't do it, huh?"
"...No?" Nice assumption. "It's all done."
She snorts at me. "Ahah. You're not so strong, honey…"
Then, she lets out a whistle.
...Silently but quickly, Yasei snaps to her side-
Thump thump thump thump. I cannot get over that fluffy tail of hers. It's so fluffy.
"Yasei, did they move all the boxy things of daddy's?" The purple-haired teen looked to her kitty.
...After a moment, Yasei nodded with overt enthusiasm. "Yeah! Theypushedalltheboxesandgotthehighoneandmovedthebiglady!"
...It seems to take the aristocrat a moment to process this, but then her jaw drops. "Ee~h!? Wha- wha- how!? She's a snow lady!"
...After looking me over as if to make sure, Yasei nods. "Sheisasnowlady! ...A verystrongsnowlady!"
It seems we've vexed her. But, then she returns us a confident smile. "Huh. Well, we seem to have lucked out, then. Here you go~."
Oh- hey-
Clink. I catch a bag of money, and it clicks in my hand. "Sixty thousand yen." For moving blocks…!? Wow. "Bu~t, you'll get more if you go into here." She points into the open barn doors. "There's something really neat inside this barn."
...Something really neat huh. 'Aw. Something really neat.'
On that note… I'm reminded that I should be asking my questions. "What was with that metal girl?"
...It takes the girl a moment, but then she smiles. "Aa~h, yes! Tetsu-chan is rather heavy, isn't she? How did you even remove her from the cargo? Daddy's too busy to bother himself, and mother liked her there."
...This raises another question. "Why did she like her there?"
"Aah." The girl waved her hand. "I forget. I think she was hunting for reagents, and just decided she wanted a pet giant golem girl. Crate girl's the second best thing! And she is real cute, isn't she?"
...Well. That's… interesting. Not entirely moral, either. The more I think about it, the more I disagree with it.
Before I can vocally disagree, she snaps her fingers and points to the dark barn. "Well, go on. Don't wait for me, now. Haven't got all day." Is she still holding us to that…?
"Fine." If we get paid more, sure. Brushing past her, I begin to move inside, Maria and Hana following behind me…
As she passes, Hana gets up into her face and brushes cheeks, making the aristocrat girl leap back. "Eg- euh…!"
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
We are now in the barn.
Thoom. The wooden doors close behind us. Alright...
Fwoom. Candles light up around the barn, illuminating the interior. It's about as wooden and barn-esque as you might expect… but no light came in from the seams of the barn's architecture, which was curious. Perhaps just meticulous design.
fwif- fwif, fwif- fwif, fwif- fwif…
Before us, there's a small herd of fluffles of various sizes. They have arms, but no legs, and are shuffling about, making the place dustier…
"Um…" Maria looks around apprehensively. "...Um?"
'Aw. Dust friends…'
...If she's tried to lock us in with fluffles, I'm going to be disappointed in her.
Stepping forward, I decide to address them because why not. "...I've been told there was something real neat inside this barn. This doesn't seem so neat to me."
...After a moment, one of the tiniest fluffles- this one ankle high and almost unnoticeable- stops, and looks up at us. "this heres pretty neat"
...Then it returns to shuffling about aimlessly.
Well. 'You can't argue with that logic, dude. Fluffles are pretty neat.' No, they're not. What is this…?
"Ooo…"
Hana moves forward to mingle amongst the fluff horde. They receive her well enough, nuzzling against her once she gets close enough. "Yea~y…!"
Across the room, one of those metal boxes was sat up on the top of a table. It wasn't quite as large as the others.
Maybe she's giving us whatever's in it. I start to move towards it-
BAM. What was that…?
Cli- cli- cli- click. Oh. The box's sides have dropped off. Inside, there was something boxy revealed.
Vrrr… It has two long pipes sticking out of it, and it's slowly adjusting to point down at the fluffles...
'Wh- woah, yo what the fuck!' Brad's insanity has gotten the better of him… 'Genkan, ice blade! Before yaself, right now! Shield Maria!' What…!?
Doing as he says, I whirl up to Maria-
Kri~ng! -and erect an iceblade before ourselves. "Uah…?" She blinks at this.
Through the blade's ice, I watch the whirring machine slowly point its pipes to the fluff stuff-
PAP- PAP- PAT- TAT- PAP- PAP! Aah…!?
Fwi- fwi- fwi- fwoof! Streaks of light roar with the sound of thunder from the loud, miniature cannons. Dust and dirt splashes into the air as an entourage of fluffles are exploded by the bullets that strike them. Those are guns!
Fwiosh!
==== BRAD'S PERSPECTIVE ====
Fwiosh! Alright- I dunno why a freakin' mini anti-infantry gun is mounted to a piece of wood in a barn shootin' at fluffles, but I'm thinkin' we should fuck it up before it fucks us up!
"Aaa~h!" Run, Ha-chan, run! She freakin' rockets away-
Bam! -and hits the ceiling with her head. "Aa- anh…"
"Maria!" I whirl to her! Pullin' out the Red Scare, I gently hand it to her. "S'dangerous ta go alone! Take this!"
"Um- okay…!?" Her eyes are wide!
"Spam fireballs at the thing and don't get shot whatever ya- aah…!" I'm jumpy as fuck, son…! "Peek, don't leap out at it!"
"I- I know what guns are- I think!" Maria does as I instruct, and moves around the side of the ice blade…!
PAP- PAP- PAT- TAT- PAP- TAT! Holy fuckin' shit!
"Waaa~l!" Fluffles wail as they get blown to smithereens by fuckin' AA pellets! Aaa~h, aaa~h!
fwoof. One of the tubbiest fluffles leaps in place, and has babies. The tiny fluffles silently shuffle from its form, and then they leap at the gun while it cools off!
fwam- fwoom- bam- fwam- fwoom! They explode into dust on impact, giving their lives to make the gun twitch awkwardly.
"Fira!" Aiming the hanger of doom-
Fwam! Maria fires a big burly lookin', deep red ball of concentrated heat from my NERF gun's barrel!
Fwa- boom! It explodes into a swath of red fire against the gun!
'What's exactly going on…?' Genkan sounds exasperated! 'Should I be there for this?'
Maybe- I dunno! "We'll see! For now, uh…" I have no ranged fire moves, and I am not a tank, so-
Fwiosh!
==== GENKAN'S PERSPECTIVE ====
Fwiosh! I arrive back to chaos.
"Fira! Fira!" Maria's shooting fire from both her staff and the hanger she was given-
Fwa- fwam! While she shells the thing with fire-
Bam! Hana's going crazy against the roof. "No kaboo~ms! I don't wanna explode ye~t!"
"Waaaa~l!"
PAT- PAP- PATAT- TATAT- PAP! So loud…!
This seems to be a running trend whenever Brad takes the wheel. Everything goes wrong.
Fwoo- fwoof- fwoof- fwoof. Uh oh. All of the fluffles have died.
Vrrrr~. The super gun's pointing towards us. That's- that's probably really bad…
Fwa- boom! Fwaboom! Two more deep red fireballs explode against it, the metal becoming tinged orange-red with heat, the wood beneath it ablaze as the weapon aims at us…
That makes the fifth or sixth fireball, and the weapon is becoming red hot.
'Freeze it now!' I had a feeling this is where Brad was going with this.
The weapon stops! Oh no-
Cli- click. Things slide from the barrels…! I thrust my arms-
Fwa- WA~SH! I've frozen it-
KABOOM! Instead of being truly frozen, the cold I enact on it detonates the weapon, the machine itself reeling back and tumbling off the shattered wood-
KRA- KRACK! Oh- oh, dear…!
I flinch back. Maria's as petrified as I am.
...We look to the ice blade we're hiding behind. Two massive spider webs run up along it, where the bullets must've hit…
...Those are weird shapes for bullets. Wait.
Rounding the pillar blade of mine, I see what stuck into the exterior.
Shunk. Tearing it out, I read it…
'Bang.' Brad reads it aloud. 'Bang!' The second interpretation was more accurate. It's a flag that says 'bang' on it, except it's scorched and awkwardly stiff from the blast. ...Was it shot at us, or did the explosion launch it?
Crea~k. "Fa~hahaha~!"
Some woman wanders into the room from behind the flaming, shattered mess of the super weapon.
...Just to confirm, I can tell by the bullet holes in the dirt before the gun that the two bang flags that came at us were the only ones.
...Maria still looks tense. "Who- who are you…!?"
Meandering into the center of the room- and ignoring the growing inferno behind herself- the woman gave us a big grin. "Ooh? Just the witch that played y'all! Boom!" The blonde woman thrusts her arms at us meaninglessly.
...Who? That- that doesn't quite help. "...Who?"
"Fu- ha- ha- ha~...!" This time she lets out a weider laugh, clutching the sides of her faded blue dress. "...Yura Onaga's the name. What'd ya think 'a that outsider technology, hun?"
Outsider technology… "Why? Why did you try to kill us?"
...Grinning, she furrows her brows. "...Oh, yeah! You blew it up…! Didja not see the bang flags? They, uh…"
She lowers her mouth a slight margin as I hold up one of the scorched bang flags. "...They came at us like bullets."
Chuckling, the long-haired blond saunters up to us. "Hehehe~! ...Wasn't sapposed ta. Props on how fast ya blew it up! If that were an actual killer robot, you'd've won!"
'Yeah, dude!' Let's not trust her just yet… 'On that note, why was a freakin' AA gun in here!?'
Let's steal that question. "...Why was there this 'AA gun' in here?" Also, that fire's growing…
Fwa~sh! I freeze the flames before they can get too far along the floor and wall.
She looks over at the new, jagged layer of frost, before turning back to me. "Thought I'd show y'all the latest test! I think it went pretty well!"
Pretty well, you say. "...But, it exploded."
She waves it off. "Aah, blueprints're still there. S'not the first time either, so I've been prepared. Electricity and explosions- kinda prone to… exploding! Hehaha!"
...I see. "I see." Maybe.
"You- you scared us…!" Still aiming her implements of destruction, Maria steps up to the woman. "What's with this…?"
...Smiling down at her, the woman leaned back. "Gotcha good, huh…? The thing wasn't supposed ta explode an' send shrapnel flyin'! Aah…" Turning away, she nods anyway. "Well, I think that went well! ...Y'can all go home, now! Show's over!"
...With that, she begins to march exaggeratedly to the back door-
Shoo~f. The doors out of the barn open.
...I turn towards the door out. I suppose that's all we'll be getting-
Fwiosh!
==== BRAD'S PERSPECTIVE ====
Fwiosh! It's my turn, son…!
'...A break's fine, too.' Genkan gets to relax, dude…
Pivoting around, I decide to follow the freakin' magician windbag woman out the unassuming back door! "Yo- yo…!" Lettin' out hushed calls, I gesture for my friends to follow!
...Armed but no longer dangerous, Maria shuffles after us with a jaded expression. Why, yo…!?
Aw. Here comes Ha-chan! And- she's comin' for me!
Oof!
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
...I limp along with my fairy friend disabling the use of my left arm and leg.
"Oh, yeah, s'you." The magely woman smiles down at me as she floats backwards, down behind the barn shacks… "How do you do that body switachroo? Haven't seen it done that way before!"
"We broke time and space." I confess. "We're on the run from the cops!"
...Accepting this logic, she nods energetically! "So whaddaya want from me!? Toldja the show's over…!"
As we move down to the back of the manor, we see that big metal girl…! She's standing now, gazing down at us plainly…
Yura- s'what her name was I think- waves at the long-haired iron woman. "Good job bein' lazy again!"
Poo~f! Yo- what the fuck…
Some smoke and fog fades, and she's revealed to be just your everyday, six foot tall naked girl. She's got black hair, and brown eyes…!
"...Being a box for so long was hard." She retains her cold monotone, though…! "Thanks for shoving a metal sheet up my ass." Pfft…!
Yura snaps her fingers, and points them at 'er! "Thank you fer takin' a metal sheet up the ass!"
"I thought we were gettin' paid for the barn thing…!" That's my first question! I've got a lotta them…!
Turnin' back to me, she grins wider! "Oh…? The barn- oh! No, the extra was gettin' to see the gun!"
...What a rip! We should go back and steal parts once the ice is melted!
As we move to the back 'a the mansion, she moves up onto the porch, and I hobble-wobble after her…!
"Mmn~..." Ha-chan, you're warm and snug and in my way…!
Cla- clack, clack…
Lookin' across the yard, I see the crate girl taking off her crate parts…! Wat. She's actually just some blonde with pigtails in a wood suit…!
I get onto the porch in the mage's wake anyway, and I see that freakin' pink-haired boob again…
"Ah, hey mom." ...Her voice is a tone more casual though, and she gives her mother a wave. "What'd they-... oh. They're still here?"
Yura shrugs at 'er. "Yeah. I dunno why."
Oh- yo! Here comes the kitty too-
"Hey…" She- woah, something's weird about the way she said that…! "I can't find the keys to the lift."
The aristocrat girl turns to her. "...I left 'em in the cooler room on the fourth floor."
"Ye!" With that, the cat girl sprang off! She wasn't talkin' as fast as normal, though…!
...Lookin' behind us, I see the naked girl and the ex-crate girl proceed up to the steps, before nonchalantly brushing past us and movin' into the house.
...This story's gettin' fuckin' weird, du~de…! I say that a lot, but it's 'cause it's true!
"Lemonade?" Stepping up to me, the purple-haired girl just holds out a half-empty lemonade glass!
"Somethin's wei~rd, du~de…!" These people are not quite as I remember them! Not quite at all…!
'I think we've been bamboozled.' Genkan- no…! I'm supposed to be the one who does the bamboozling!
...Yura begins grinning bigly, dude. Really bigly! "Weird, y'say?"
Ooh! Maria pokes me in the side with Red Scare, and it scares me a bit…!
"We were kinda fucking with you." The purple-haired girl smiles at me, shiftin' her posture idly… "It was fun."
"Hehe~!" Clapping her hands together, Yura looks enthralled…! "Yeah! Like, everything ya heard were pro'lly made up. And she's not actually an asshole!" She gestures to her daughter…!
...Freakin'... what is this!? Medieval trolling!?
"...Where there even anythin' in those boxes!?" I point in the direction of the lift-
Vrrr~... Oh. The kitty got into it, and began to lower all the boxes into the earth, the lift itself sinking down…
Yura twirled her gaze to the side. "Ehe~. We~ll… y'know how that box had a fun gun in it? It's a lil somethin' like that in each one…!" Then, she makes a flat expression into the distance. "Except they don't work."
"Well, the engines will take forever to do anything with." The… not-aristocrat daughter remarks. "We're still better off making our homebrews. Grandpa's instructions… they're purely mechanical. I've told you this already."
"True, true…" Nodding sagely, the long-haired blond chick closed her eyes for a moment, before openin' 'em again… "So. You guys want a souvenir, or somethin'?"
"Yes." I'd like more shit! Gimme all of it! I am become rainbow clown god!
'...This is strange, but not unpleasant.'
"Here, hold this." Freakin'- why's this aristocrat girl givin' me her lemonade…!? Didn't she sip from this-
Ha-chan accepts it! "Mmgh…" She begins gulping it down right away…!
...Grinning, the purple-haired girl begins to step away with reservation. "Aah…" Freakin'- where's she goin'-
Well, anyway, since Yura looks expectant…
"Hi." I say hello, dude. Freakin'-
Fwiosh!
==== GENKAN'S PERSPECTIVE ====
Fwiosh! ...Not as comfy of a chair as I'd thought. Still, this is alright.
Hana sinks into my body, seemingly relaxing at how much more me there is than compared to Brad's scrawny form…
I don't know how he always puts up with this. It's really weird in company...
'Oof.' Brad meekly protests my commandeering of the situation. '...Back into the backup slot I go!' ...It's a good place for you, honestly. Well, I could about honestly say the same for Maria sometimes. I'm a little unfair of a comparison for both of them…
"I cannot figure out how yer doin' that!" Yura is genuinely perplexed by our body switching.
"Me neither." It'd be nice if we knew, but this is okay for now.
So, if most of the weird things here were just… to screw with us, that still leaves a few inconsistencies. I'm not sure if I should say anything about those silly outfits we stole. Probably not.
"Here…" Oh. The daughter's back, and she's brought a~... hmm. Something red and orange, and about plate size. It seems to be some weird piece of technology. "...Where'd he go?" She looks around for Brad, for some reason.
"I'm him now." I am the final form. "...I can accept gifts for him."
...She looks dissatisfied. "I wanted to give this to him. Where's he come from, anyway?"
This is also really peculiar. "...Why him in particular?"
...She rolls her eyes. I'll just leave it here." You do that.
Click. She sets the weird plastic-looking thing down before me, before turning away. "I won't say what it is, though." Into the trash it goes, too. Along with the hornet stinger, the okay and the bad dress, as well as that iron cross…
'Aw, yo. I can pull it out and look at it over here!' Make sure it's not a bomb or something. Or an extendable blade, on the off-chance you screw up opening it and cut yourself.
...It's probably just a trinket, like the rest of the garbage we've been collecting. I'm willing to bet Brad keeps forgetting the properties and presence of all of these little doodads, so maybe it'd be a good idea to keep it in mind myself. Not that I remember things very well either, but I'm pretty sure he rarely if ever stops to reflect on things. I'd like to think I'm good at that last thing.
I'm not entirely certain where Brad wanted to take the conversation, if at all.
"I coulda just had ya move the blocks on their own, but that woulda been no fun!" Yura grins over at us. I mean, me. Technically us. "Thought I'd spice it up a little…!"
"...Couldn't you move them yourself?" I think our presence here has been ultimately unnecessary.
She just holds her arms out. "Well I- everyone's been busy! And lazy!"
"And you…?" Surely you could have.
"...That includes me!" She pats her boobs, for some reason. "An' Yasei there wanted to, but y'know, she's just a widdy wittle kitty witty…" Her smug grin is terrifying.
...Well.
I have literally nothing to add to this situation now, and Hana's enduring hug is making me feel awkward. Maybe Brad's thought up something while in backup.
Fwiosh!
==== BRAD'S PERSPECTIVE ====
Fwiosh! Aah- woah shit…! I didn't do that!
...I flop into my chair again, still holding onto that weird techy thing the daughter gave me. "Hoh, shit…!"
An' then Ha-chan re-snuggles me…! I'm being freakin' smooshed!
...The purple-haired girl leans onto the garden table, smiling wryly. "Do you like it…? I have a bunch more."
...Whah? Oh, yeah, it's real plastic-y. Reminds me of Legos. "I dunno what it is…!"
"It's combo technology." Ah, yes. Combo… technology. Is it like, a bag of Combos? Can I eat it…!?
At my continued skepticism, she elaborates further! "It's a piece of technology co-developed by the tengu and the kappa. When attached to weapons, it makes it easier to both build more off of them, and lets you swing easier. Not that anyone would add anything more to it. By itself, it's already pretty clunky. I thought it would be neat, though."
It pretty much is plant hanger size. This is great news, dude!
"Yeah, yo!" I put it away again! "S'really good! ...Thank you, I think!" I am super not used to saying please or thank you or anything like that…!
She does that anime thing where she smiles and closes her eyes. S'actually not too unrealistic of an anime thing, 'cause I do it myself sometimes…!
Aw. The not-a-crate-girl wandered outside again. She's in overalls, and is also blonde, 'cept she's got pigtails!
"Heyo~." She calls out to us as she progresses outside… "What's what's-his-face still doing here…?"
"Gettin' sat on by a fairy, that's what…!" Yura points ta my cyan-haired lap pillow…! "Yer just surrounded by women, ain't 'cha?"
I don't think two equates to a horde! ...Although two friendly people are far more than I've had at one time, yo. "Yeah, dude. So- is bamboozlin' the shit outta people just somethin' you guys do routinely, o~r…!?"
Yura nods bluntly. "Yeah- purdy much!"
"Mmm." The daughter nods, too. "It lets us meet people. You'd make a good farmhand, you know."
Wat, no. No I wouldn't…! 'Perhaps we should leave soon.' Maybe! But first…
"Why've you got crates… full of guns, anyway?" Maria beats me to the punch entirely! Which is-
"Mmn…" Ha-chan, no…! Aaa~h, aaa~h!
"Mostly real old family stuff we haven' really gotten around ta fixin' up, 'cause we didn't know how fer the longest time." She explains… "Ya see, my hubby had a pa from the outside, and he brought all this heavy shit wit 'em. Was in the woods scattered about fer the longest time, but recently we got 'em back. Oh yeah- yer free to take that cross ya took, too."
Whah. Oh shit- they know about the lootin'...! "Oh, yeah! That aa~h, iron cross…! Freakin'..." I wonder if they have the rest 'a the set. S'kinda freakin' weird!
"...Kinda easy name ta guess, I guess!" She grins at my reception of the thing! "Yeah, s'called the iron cross. 'Cause it's a cross, and it's iron!"
"Yeah, outside world sorta thing." I nod as I reach inta my bag, an' take it out. "Wore these on uniforms! Got no idea what it meant, but it was probably there 'cause it looked cool." S'pretty much the point 'a military badges in general…! I gotta have some of my weird badge things like sewn onto costumes. Most 'a them don't pin easy, and those that do just fall off or get forgotten! Need Alice ta give 'em a good once-over… or I could just slap some on weapons maybe and see what they do.
"Oo~h, you know about the outside…?" Yura looks interested for realsies! "Grandpa dead guy had a journal about shootin' people wit' guns in some kinda war." Grandpa dead guy. He's my favorite character, dude…
'Grandpa dead guy.' See? He's also Genkan's favorite character!
"Yeah, they had this black uniform and everything." It was spooky, dude.
Nodding, she leans onto the table and is energetic! "Yeah- I remade some of them…! I found a real old one, and just kinda churned out 'a few copies. Got real unique properties, too! Not that they're that useful, but it's real neat. I'm guessin' it was stuff made by the war." Wait, what. "Hey- I should have ya take a look at it! Y'know about that big outside war, right!?"
...I'm not sure if I want to say yes, but I'm gonna say yes! "Yes."
...Grinning, Yura whips ta her daughter. "Hoseki-chan, fetch one 'a the testin' models…!"
"Sure thing." Purple-haired friend moves for the back door…! Apparently she's Hoseki. Overalls girl's just givin' us a smug grin as she moves…
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
Well. I'm not sure what I expected!
We're standin' around a little rack that was moved outside. That's a- that's just a nazi uniform.
"Here it is!" Yura innocently splays her arms towards it! "...One of like, five. We don't really need five at this point, so…! That, and the materials are super easy once ya buckle down an' just look."
"...So it's got magical properties." I am the only one here who actually knows how weird this is…!
"Yeah!" Walking around it, she proudly surveys it… "Wearin' the whole thing makes ya darkness immune. The hat makes ya immune ta instant death, and the suit's curse immune." That's weirdly fitting…!
...I hold up the cross thing I got! "How good's this, yo…!?"
"...That's just bomb resistant." She informs me plainly. "Also makes things not stagger ya! Halves damage 'a explosions, and randomly makes stuff near ya explode!" Oh, shit…! "But only when worn." How's that work…!?
'These things actually sound alright, statistically.' Genkan figures. Hoh… 'Perhaps you should ask for that copy.' The world really wants to put me in a fucking nazi uniform, dunnit…
And, y'know what? Why not, yo. No one'll freakin' tell…!
"Can I have it!?" I point at the suit!
...Yura beams! "Sure thing! Be good ta see a young man like you in a suit, an' not, uh… whatever that is yer wearin'!"
Oh, man. And when I don't need it, we can toss it on Maria. Or Genkan. Everyone gets a turn as a nazi. I think I'm gonna plop that big cross onto somethin', though. At the start 'a next chapter! The- the one that ain't a Matt chapter…!
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
END OF CHAPTER 84
Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Fairy Slayer, Accidental Human Slayer, Robot Demolisher, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Village Liberator, Eientei Crucible, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Factory Disassembler, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine, Sky Climber, Amateur Espionage Practitioner, Illegal Fairy Harborer, Conscientious Party Member, Winter Warrior, Village Revolutionary, Has Forgotten What Half of These Titles Stood For, Holder of Too Many Titles - Aw, Genkan gave me a summary! I can change elements, skills and resistances depending on the situation! Weaknesses vary…!
NON-EQUIP SKILLS:
Lucky Star - Non-elemental magic that does very random damage to one target. The star is summoned from above, and simply coasts into people.
Scent Pillow - A spell taught by Koakuma. The end-game strat, dude.
World's Wimpiest Fireball - A spell learned from a book given ta me by Patchouli. Not very good for anything…! May dry out targets.
Lumen - Low-grade holy spell that eats mana. Requires a source of holy to actually be cast. Homes in on an enemy and deals a burst of mediocre holy damage.
Double Jump - The good skill. Allows the user to completely cancel their falling momentum and jump again.
Perfectly Possessed - Got my perspective back for now, son! But Genkan's still wit' me…!
{IceBerg} - I can do Genkan's glacier blade spell! Kinda…! Crude ice blade that shatters up from the ground and deals great physical ice damage to one opponent. Kicks my ass!
{Ice Element} - Shared ability. I am now even fifty percent more ice resistant than I already was!
PRIMARY WEAPON: Fallen Comrade - Giant hanger made of three smaller ones. Sharper Than Darkness is at the front edge of it with the sickle facing out, and Swordbreaker is along the broad front edge to engage blades. Hard Winter makes up the backbone of the thing and the hilt so that it's actually wieldy!
STATS:
Slightly debuffs target's physical attack on impact.
Fifty percent darkness resistance.
Attacks are darkness elemental.
Sickle end may make opponents bleed.
SKILLS:
Revenge - Skill that increases in strength when health is lower. Power doubles for each deceased party member. Power is increased by fifty percent for each defeated party member. Fairies count as defeated rather than deceased no matter what. Power and effects depend on current weapon. High accuracy.
Bloody Mess - User bleeds faster and longer. Oof!
Jack Hammer - Y'know, I have no idea if this still works with it as is…!
Generic Buff - Channeling mana into the hanger gives the user a marginal increase in physical stats. Moderate increase to physical defense and offense.
Pulse - Basic dark magic, which creates an influx of dark magic in an enemy's form and stresses their whole body. Reduces magic attack.
Gaia Seed - Basic earth magic which intensifies Earth's pull a little. May make targets slightly tired.
Gaia Bloom - Advanced earth magic, which intensifies Earth's pull, with multiple instances of hazy earth magic. Makes the target tired.
Tundra - Crate-sized spike of ice that erupts under people and throws them off balance. I suppose it'd hurt if you fell on it. Basic ice attack.
Ice Shard - Advanced ice magic. May freeze enemies. Creates ice magic in their body, before initializing fully by flash-freezing the air all around them.
Combo Plus - User artificially gets an extra hit. Can be canceled out of.
Combo Jump - User cancels out of combos easily.
Frost Trail - User leaves frost in their trail while jumping.
INVENTORY:
[Bag of Holding] - The best piece of equipment…! It's good, dude!
==o==
WEAPONS:
=o=
Youkai Inconveniencer - A holy plant hanger, which works as a flail 'cause of the cross necklaces attached to it! Boosts the power of holy skills.
SKILLS:
Flash - Blinding magic. Works best on dark-elementals, but also works on youkai. Humans don't resist it, so it still works on them, with reduced efficiency.
Flashlight - It's a flashlight! Might blind dark youkai, I dunno…
Shine - Basic holy magic. Generates a holy orb in the target's body, randomly battering them with a raw holy gush.
=o=
Fairy Harp - "A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. Some kind of non-elemental monstrocity with grates, blocks and strings slapped onto it for no good reason." Some of Genkan's summaries were kinda oof, dude…!
SKILLS:
Gust - Basic wind magic. Pushes the feeble. Fee~ble…!
Fairy Dust - Weapon status effect replaced with fairy dust. Wind attacks with this weapon get fairy dust all over the enemy, reducing accuracy and senses.
Sick Ill Harp Cords - Get ready for my next great mixtape…!
=o=
Red Scare - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of purplish-red gems and crimson metals. Boosts the power of fire skills. Also's got the good NERF gun attached now!
STATS:
Danmaku confuses the target.
Danmaku degrades the target's luck.
Danmaku may berserk the target.
Ignites things with physical impacts.
May berserk targets on physical impact.
SKILLS:
Hellfire Plume - A jet of hellfire. Berserks the targets, and isn't put out as easily. Not quite a grease fire, but unless it's totally frozen into oblivion, it ain't goin' out! Obeys fire resistance like any fire, though.
Fume - Makes hot air fume from the earth below. Might sear the feeble.
Berserk - Non-damaging fire spell which berserks a target for awhile. Can be removed with water or ice stuff!
Danmaku Adaptability - Now that there's a NERF gun on it I can shoot the good danmaku dude.
=o=
Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Boosts the power of wind skills. Maybe I should purchase fast food, and disguise it as my own cooking. Ho ho ho…!
=o=
Deep Blue - A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Boosts the power of water skills.
SKILLS:
Freakin' Leaks! - Can produce limitless fresh hanger water…!
Geyser - Basic water attack. Gush of water erupts from the earth and might fling the feeble…!
Valve - I can control the water flow with this!
=o=
Bee-Fitty-Fore-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Made of a lot of weird freakin' parts and stick bits and piston things. Has a NERF gun slapped onto it too!
STATS:
Danmaku explodes, dealing knockback and splash damage.
Accuracy falls moderately when used to fire danmaku.
SKILLS:
Boom - Hitting stuff makes booms!
Danmaku Adaptability - Can also shoot the good danmaku, dude.
=o=
Million Bucks - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger, from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion. It's a gift from Flandre Scarlet! Has an obsolete map of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself, along with some shoddy enchantments!
STATS:
Lowers user's defense slightly.
Attacks are electric and holy elemental.
Attacks travel through matter
Attacks become magical rather than physical.
SKILLS:
Panic Attack! - Run faster when health is lower!
Magic Attack - Physical attacks are converted to magic attacks, and fluidly pass through objects.
Combo Jump - Allows the user to transition to jumping while mid-attack.
Aerial Plus - Forced aerial support! It's vaguely easier to hit aerial foes with it!
Air Slide Plus - Lets the user awkwardly air slide.
Glide - Replaces my double jump skill with gliding.
High Jump - Increased jump height while running.
=o=
Fragile Flower - A cute hanger with floral designs and light colors. Aesthetically pleasing!
SKILLS:
Enfeebled - Wielder has halved physical defense and offense.
Cleanse - Basic healing skill which cleanses one target of all debuffs or status problems.
=o=
Dream Hanger - Non-elemental hanger. Black and unassuming metal. Currently balanced, and easy for Brad to use. Has innate magical properties to it.
STATS:
Increases accuracy slightly. Somehow…? So said Genkan.
Ten percent instant death resistance. Hoh…!
=o=
London Operating Cross - A cross that lets me summon good 'ol London, yo. Non-elemental in nature. Not actually a plant hanger. London herself uses Fireball, Ice Shard and Thunderbolt, but can only use a few spells before runnin' outta mana. Also fires diamond-shaped patterns 'a yellow, diamond-shaped danmaku. Hoh! Costly-ish to use…!
=o=
Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.
Market Gardener - Critical hits during blast jumps! Otherwise, it's just a normal, old plant hanger. Named after a very similar shovel…!
NERF longsword - 'CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals'… you know what that means! Maybe one day this will actually come in handy…
NERF longsword: the sequel - Now I can dual wield these useless, narratively non-existent armaments!
==o==
ARMOR:
Camouflage Kimono - This kimono means business. Doesn't actually help him hide in the brush.
STATS:
One hundred fifty percent ice resistance.
Fifty percent freeze resistance.
Fifty percent dark resistance.
Negative fifty percent fire resistance.
Negative fifty percent freeze resistance.
=o=
Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Pink dress with lots of white ribbons. I'm not sure what to say about this...
STATS:
Seventy-five percent time resistance.
=o=
Yellow Racecar Helmet -It's like a really knockoff space marine helmet! It feels like it's got good physical defense, too… at least for my head.
STATS:
Fifty percent sun resistance.
One hundred percent freezing resistance.
One hundred percent blinding resistance.
One hundred percent electrical stunning resistance.
=o=
Lunarian Prototype Space Suit - A suit meant for combat in deep space. So far, it's only got the whole 'exist in deep space' part down…! Has an oxygen tank, but that's only useful if you wear the helmet to go along with it.
STATS:
One hundred percent electricity resistant.
One hundred percent freezing resistant.
Randomly casts Zero Gravity when it feels like it.
Zero Gravity - Area of effect spell which removes gravity from debris and the feeble!
=o=
Lunarian Prototype Deep Space Helmet - It's a freakin' space helmet.
STATS: (alone)
Fifty percent blinding resistant.
STATS: (paired with Lunarian Prototype Space Suit)
One hundred percent electricity resistant. Again, yo!
One hundred percent resistance to burning and being actively poisoned.
=o=
Testing Oxygen Tank - The oxygen tank used by the Lunarian Prototype Space Suit. Lasts for two and a half minutes. Not meant to actually be used outside of testing, but it's possible. Refills automatically in breathable air.
=o=
MP Prize Pin - A badge that allows the user to drain some of the enemy's mana, forcing it to become mana prizes on the field. For awhile only the user(s) of this badge may pick them up, but after a grace period anyone can.
STATS:
Extends prize grabbing range. Yay…?
=o=
Sun Badge - A badge that looks like the sun. How interesting, dude.
STATS:
Fifteen percent sun resistant. I need to smelt this into a weapon…!
Fifty percent resistance to blinding and electrical stunning.
Replaces the on-impact effect of all weapons with Sunfire Flare. Yuck…!
SKILLS:
Sunfire Flare - Flash of light that blinds everyone. Doesn't work on the sun-resistant.
=o=
Stock Outfit - Blue, long-sleeved shirt with a huge V-neck button-up collar. Blue sweatpants. Most balanced outfit.
STATS:
Negative five wind resistance.
May make the wearer tired.
=o=
Retro Patchy Hat - A really old hat of Patchy's. It's freakin floofy, du~de…!
STATS:
Moderate increase to magical defense and offense.
=o=
Moon Crescent - Patchy's favorite accessory.
STATS:
Immunity to silencing.
Twenty five percent moon resistance.
Moderate increase to magical offense.
=o=
Anti-Magic Amulet - Deep blue, crystalline necklace given by Patchy in exchange for a blue dragon's bone. I should incorporate this into an outfit too so I don't freakin' forget it, 'cause it's real important!
STATS:
Sharply increases magical defense.
=o=
Cow Costume - Female clothing, of some description…? I think! S'freakin' weird, dude!
STATS:
Increases breast size by twenty five percent.
Increases max health by fifty percent.
Wearer is immune to dispelling.
=o=
Autumn Dress - An actually sensible dress…! Looks like generic villager garb, except prettier and with brighter colors. Even aged, it's still bright!
STATS:
Wearer is immune to tiredness.
Wearer is immune to holy weakness.
Wearer is immune to stunning.
=o=
Iron Cross - Big World War II medal! Freakin'- holy shit…
STATS:
Randomly summons explosion backup.
Fifty percent bomb resistance.
Stagger immunity.
=o=
Officer Hat - Nazi officer hat…! I better not get a million angry letters for finding this!
STATS:
Fifty percent darkness resistant.
Wearer is immune to instant death.
=o=
Officer's Coat - Nazi officer coat, too! Oh boy oh boy…
STATS:
Fifty percent darkness resistant.
Wearer is immune to being cursed.
Slightly boosts defense and magic defense.
=o=
Reimu's Outfit - Shrine maiden clothes, dude. Holy resistant, but I dunno how much! Even comes with the bindings and tubes and ribbon 'n' everything!
Reimu's Ribbon - Man, that's cuddly looking. I need to hug Reimu now, dude...
Hakurei Arm Sleeves - No- teach me, how do you wear these!?
Remilia Scarlet's Mob Cap - Twenty five percent dark resistance. Legends say that if touhous do not wear this hat, they die dude.
Monk Robes - Doesn't really stack up to my other shit at this point! Wonder what I can do wit' it...
Gravity Boots - Boots that reduce the user's gravity! More like, propels them off the floor a little. Reduces the effectiveness of space statuses on the user. Really weird to control…!
==o==
CONSUMABLES/OTHER:
Eighty six thousand, nine hundred Yen - Cash just got a lot bigger…!
Four Health Potions - They give you youkai-like regen for like, thirty seconds! No chuggin' these babies to indefinitely survive the cold reaches of outer space. Unless the regen outdoes the asphyxiation, but I think I'd rather die by that point…
Mega Potion - Youkai-like regen for thirty seconds… except for the whole family! Applies to entire party. Good for when we all suck at life!
Four Mana Potions - Restores an average amount of mana, I think. More than enough for someone like me!
Three Panaceas - Cures all status effects. I dunno if it works on debuffs, though...
Akihito's Broadsword - Too big for me to use as a weapon. I wonder if I could use it as like, a tent stake or something.
Butterfly Dream Pills - Makes you dream of being a beautiful butterfly!... now, if only there was a pill for lucid or wet dreams, and then I'd consider Yagokoro the doctor to end all doctors!
Rope of Red Bikinis - Wahaha! Gonna getcha, son!
Some Fancy Key - A key lent to me by Brittany. Wha- why. What's it for…!?
Youkai Exterminator Badge - I still have this, dude! Yo ho ho! Allows me to not be considered a youkai by most guardsmen!
Yellow Star Gem - A star-shaped yellow gem. I really should've asked Patchy what this did…! It's shiny and luminescent, though.
Sweet Sleep Pillow - Doremy's nice cuddly pillow. Really soft. Random chance to survey you on pillow quality while you're sleeping.
Genkan's Sweet Sleep Pillow - It's also pretty poofy...
3DS - It's about time I recorded the fact I have a 3DS!
Another 3DS - Especially 'cause I picked up anotha'!
Picture of Sendai Hakurei no Miko Sleeping on her Side and Facing the Viewer while Drowsy - ...Yeah uh, what it says on the tin. Reimu must see this, dude…!
Masturbation Pillow - ...Genkan probably would've given me a look fer this, if she could! Wau…
Dark Knife - Where the hell'd this- oh, wait! This is the thing Genkan got from that fairy! She just slipped it in here while no one was lookin'...
Combo Technology - Red, orange and yellow piece of plastic and metal, about the size of a plant hanger. Not sure what the hell it is… but it looks pretty neat.
Wasp Stinger - Let the crap pile o~n!
==o==
RANDOM CRAP:
Tables and Furniture - Impromptu furnishings!
==o==
Genkan, the Yuki-onna - A bitter yuki-onna from Gensokyo's wildlands, mostly active in the winter, and on particularly cold days. Heals from ice damage. Commands powerful control over frost, and has a wide variety of ice-affinity attacks. Weak to fire and burning. Cuddly, dude...
SKILLS:
Ice Control - Freely use ice to make stuff. Inherent one hundred percent ice resistance. Negative one hundred fire and burning resistance.
Freeze - Instantly freezes one to two enemies. Low chance of working on stronger foes.
Creaking Freeze - Generates a spinning, magic snowflake in an enemy's body, which instantly freezes them after a moment. High accuracy.
Tundra - Precursor to Glacier. Weak spike of ice that serves more as a warning. Physical ice attack.
Glacier - Erects a massive blade of ice from the ground, dealing incredible physical ice damage.
Triple Glacier - Same as above, except with more sudden scope across more targets. Less accurate. More costly.
Ice Spin - Not the skill Brad thinks it is. Creates a ring of initializing frost around a wide area, with a high chance to freeze.
Ice Shard - Advanced ice magic. May freeze enemies. Creates ice magic in their body, and freezes the air around them.
Snow - Make it snow locally. Very minor ambient ice damage to everyone on the battlefield, including allies. Has a low chance to instantly freeze someone for no reason.
Yuki-onna's Embrace - Hug. Binds target close to her. Makes the target tired, severely lowers accuracy and magical defense, and makes them comfortable. Skill may only be performed by my kind. Negative facets reduced by ice and freezing resist. Someone with over a hundred resistance will be buffed and healed by it.
Yuki-onna's Entombment - Final, optional stage of the hug. Guaranteed instant death inflicted by the draining of vitality. Heals the user for the heat taken from the target. Does not work well on bosses or the instant death resistant. Instant death proc is nullified if the target's ice or freezing resistance is over fifty percent. Skill may only be performed by my kind.
INVENTORY:
Absolute Zero Kimono - A better version of the stock yuki-onna kimono. Outfited with new royal blue and cyan trims. It's fun, dude...
STATS:
One hundred percent ice resistance.
Effects vary when not worn by her…!
=o=
Two thousand yen - Pocket money.
Bagged Money - We still dunno how much Reimu gave us...
Peppermint - Yo- Genkan has candy…!?
Fans - Regular fans. Helps her spread out frigid air, and stuff! I figured she kept 'em for fashion, since they don't seem to do anything...!
Ninjas of Love - Novel? Yo- what...
Viking Rune - Reusable rune that summons a viking monolith. Whiterock was very brief, but apparently vikings were ancient warriors who hailed from frozen lands to the north. Once summoned, it greatly increases everyone's physical attack prowess, before firing a frost spark with massive freezing capabilities. Very costly to all party members. Uses two inventory slots.
[three spaces remaining]
{Brad's Inventory} - Let's list everything again! Yeaa~h!
==o==
Maria, the Actually Ordinary Magician - A villager from the human village. Sort of down on herself, and not very confident… but when she gains steam, she can be very determined. Resistances and weaknesses depend on equipment. Can cast basic elemental spells.
SKILLS:
Fire - Small, homing fireball of doom. May ignite foes! Doesn't do much damage.
Fira - Slightly larger homing fireball of doom. May ignite foes. Bursts broader than the preceding spell.
Blizzard - Spread shot of big snowflakes. May chill foes.
Blizzara - Big spread shot of myriad ice chunks, with magical snowflakes whirling around inside them. May freeze foes.
Thunder - Random spread of bolts in an area. Basic electric spell.
Thundara - Random spread of bolts in an area which explode on impact with the ground. May stun foes.
Charm - Boosts magical attack of self or an ally moderately.
INVENTORY:
Pine Frost Staff - Made with pine wood and an icy reagent.
STATS:
Twenty five percent ice resistance.
One hundred percent freezing resistance.
Negative fifty percent burning resistance.
SKILLS:
Ice Shard - Advanced ice magic. May freeze enemies. Creates ice magic in their body, and freezes the air around them.
=o=
Casual Freeze Clothes - Casual, neon villager garb. Bright yellow shirt with a blue snowflake stitched onto the front, a bright blue skirt, and a tan vest.
STATS:
Fifty percent ice resistant.
One hundred percent freezing resistant.
=o=
Wood Staff - Training foci for magic. Not very good for much else.
Magical Lens - When coupled with magic, this lens shoots non-elemental lasers. Gift from Marcus Kirisame.
[Travel Bag] - Item that grants inventory by holding more items. I feel stupid mentioning this. Eight slots.
Two Mana Potions - Alchemical blends which restore magic energy.
[four spaces remaining]
==o==
Hana, the Electric Fairy Maid - Snuggly fairy maid companion…! Healed by electric magic. Immune to electric stunning, 'cause yeah. Weak to earth, poison and darkness. Quick to become ill from poison.
SKILLS:
Little Zap - Basic electric magic. Zaps a target twice with static from above.
Random Electric - When pressured, uses random electric spells.
Electric Control - With true power, she's able to stun opponents into submission by touching them.
Electric Elemental - Three hundred percent electric resistant. One hundred percent resistance to electrical stunning.
INVENTORY:
Hana's Fairy Maid Uniform - Stock standard uniform from the mansion! Cyan-tinted in places to match her hair color. Hoh...
==o==
AUTHOR'S NOTE:
3 k words of inventory stuff holy shit
time to COMBINE STUFF YO
wish had better ways to decompress this guff and maybe stylize it without freakin' linking to a stoopid pastebin or something weird
i should get that website up just so i can host pages for each individual end-summary and just link to it per chapter; that'd be fun
until then 13 k + 3 k word chapter heyonk
and then this AN but y'know s'just an AN
ANYWAY
hello friends
we did some EXPLORIN' yo, did some TURRET BUSTIN' and some KABOOMS
still got more interesting things to go in the village though - w - the place is far from done yo
how long we'll stay in it's a different story - w - and perhaps soonish we'll get an opportunity to have a little explore of some of the little odds and ends brittany keeps pestering me with among other things
genkan's perspective's fun yo
really different tone-wise and she herself is a lot different from brad in that she's a fan of the slower pace and also likes to reflect a lot more
without party members she'd just go back to not doing a whole lot and reading freakin' NINJAS OF LOVE
and then we got maria yo
ho ho
also this whole mansion barn was a fun time
for one thing ABOUT TIME we saw a little of the village infrastructure
and also about time we met some vaguely normal people who weren't braindead morons
they also happen to be the descendants of nazis but y'know you take what you can get dude
doesn't mean they are nazis themselves either - w - but that OUTFIT THO
also village IDs! freakin' village dude
technically we could buy one right now but we still got a month to be assholes so we'll probably just not
ANYWAY
nugget times man
as always, see you all next time!
