(MATT in CATLAND SON) (it's a MATT OLD TIME HAHAHAHAHAhahaha)

It's been a day or two since that blonde magician girl- what's her name- took off, to do whatever it is blonde magician girls in BDSM outfits do. I'm not sure why I'm just thinking about this now. It might be because my mind is racing through possible sources of threat.

This is because we're walking out of the Forest of Magic. We hadn't encountered much except for strange flying girls- the winged kind- alraunes, and fairies for quite some time. The whole reason we went inside to begin with dealt with the properties of magic mushrooms. To that end, I've brought a little basket to collect them and everything.

The first bad news is that Shikome existing with me has jeopardized every mushroom we've come across. That, and she began to ruin some of the greater trees by standing too close to them.

KRA- KRACK… Like what's happening right now.

"Let's keep moving." If I don't urge her along, she just gets idle and snuggly-looking next to a tree, and starts killing it. Normally, I wouldn't mind, but the process actually takes a while, so if we did that for every tree, we'd be here twenty million years.

The second bad news-

Kroom! -is that a very persistent worm girl of some sort has been stalking us through the earth below.

Emerging before me, the naked, earthen brown-skinned girl leans forward-

Fwish! -as I slide-and-fall backwards, with the aid of those slick scissors and their unnatural way of pulling me. This strategy has yet to fail me.

"Bhuaa~!" The unkempt girl lets out a thundering burp, which seems mostly to just send compressed air my way and help me fall better.

Thud. I hadn't considered it, but being smaller means I don't take falls quite so badly.

Shu- shu- shunk. Shikome dips tendrils into the ground, and the foliage of the woods quickly begins to shoot to faded tints as she overcomes them-

Kroo~m! The scaly tip of the worm's tail erects from the soil near her, and bends. It tries to thrust into her, but she grabs onto it-

Kroom. It went back down into the ground below, and Shikome let herself follow it.

...It seems to jerk its female torso around blindly, as if trying to look for her. It doesn't use the torso at all like a human would, and it shows in that it seems to be missing an arm, a breast, and one eye, and it doesn't really care.

Thu- thu- thud, thud, thud! Quickly, it began freaking out, slamming its humanoid upper half against the ground and nearby, now spiny purple brush, before trying to slide out-

Shik- Shunk…

A root system began to bloom from the fleshy brown exterior of the worm, locking it in place, before it was reduced to spastic twitches. Almost perfectly, its scales and flesh seamlessly gave way to little pinpricks of wood and root, which grew out.

...Black and blue blood began to form a puddle beneath it as it struggled, as it calmly became decomposable material. Which is sort of ironic, since worms are decomposers. This one may've been a scavenger, however… or some kind of freak of nature. I think I should just deem it a youkai and leave it at that.

In retrospect, I should've sent people to gather mushrooms for me. Bringing Shikome along was also a mistake- one that couldn't really be avoided once I committed to the forest decision..

Kroo- kroom- crack…

Crawling out of the ground near me, Shikome stepped up to one of the big, indifferent magic trees again, and stared into it.

...cra- crak, crak- krack…

The tree started to become fat and happy, her magic bloating the bark and starting to segment it. Veins of some kind of luminous, pulsing purple formed, running up the sides. I urge her on again. "We need to keep moving."

Turning away from the tree, she complies gingerly. This entire process has been both a mistake and pulling teeth at the same time, which is some kind of new record, probably. Second to that time I had to watch her fight fairies on the mansion roof, as I built speed for sixteen hours.

...The last part being hyperbole, but-

Ahead, the bushes rustle. I wish bushes rustled back. The amount of times something has leaped from the brush in the same manner almost totally ruins the surprise. Hello again, eighty-nineth wolfman, dustball, or yukkuri abomination.

...I also don't know about these half-decayed mushrooms I still have in my bag. They might be doing weird things to my nose, even if I can't smell anything.

Fwi- fwish. Here we go…

Oh. It's a short girl, about Shikome's height. We've found a magical friend. She's got little, flat pigtails along the tops of her head, and her flaxen hair as a whole looks compressed and neat.

"Hello…" She gives us a neat greeting. "...I see you already have had the right idea."

I have no idea who this is. "Hi." Let's exchange loli membership cards, because this girl too is a loli.

"...I'm sure you remember my proposition." She leans and stares at me not dissimilar from the bluntness of my other loli companions. "You've also found rather interesting company."

Shikome stops next to us, and looks around. We're all friends here.

I don't know why this loli is talking about a proposition. Maybe we'll just ignore her.

So we do that. I stare at Shikome, and she stares at me. Like this, we share a deeply intellectual loli-conversation.

...I'm only noticing this now, but she only seems to blink when she feels like it. Which is, almost never.

I turn to the fellow little girl-

Cre- crea- creak…! A dull snowflake generates in Shikome's form, twirling independent of her body-

Fwa~sh. She's frozen instantly, and I look at the loli.

She tilts her red eyes forward. "I think the two of you are… rather interesting." She stepped forward casually, her luminous red eyes glowing brighter-

KRA~CK! The ice around Shikome exploded, and she lashed out.

Fwa- fwa~m! Two beams of ice came from the girl's pale hands. As they met Shikome's form, frost built up along her limbs, but routinely shattered as she plowed forward. The way the girl tilted her head back, I could see her fangs.

That's when they got into melee range of one another.

Whap- pap- bam- bam- bam-

Very quickly, I find myself unable to follow their movements, as they tear into one another-

Shu- shu~nk- shink! Shikome's tendrils seem to blossom from her form, encapsulating the vampire girl-

"Bo~w!" The stout vampire throws her arms out-

Shi- shi- shink! Spikes of ice thrust from herself, mingling with Shikome's tendrils and prickling into her.

Rii- rii~p! Crack- crack…! The noises of them hurting each other with abrupt inhuman strength is audible and not very easily definable. Some of that's probably ice smashing, too.

"Naive wight…" Shikome's managed to grab onto her right arm and left side. "Supercilious imps such as yourself should be castig-"

THWASH- THWASH- THWASH- THWASH…! The vampire's hands bloomed into large, uncolored arrays of ice blades, which release blasts of frost against Shikome as she flails. "Fufufuhaha~!"

WHAM! Shikome thrusts herself up into the girl, and they sail a little through the woods-

Fwish. They land in some bushes, which are quickly frozen and shattered by the ambient ice energy being given off by the vampiress-

Shu- shunk! Thunk! Shikome starts thrusting tendrils into the vampire's arms and legs, pinning her down-

"Hyrooa~h!" The little girl lets out a bellow-

Fvhi~r…

I start to shiver while they struggle, and a large, circular magical circle blooms beneath her. I have to step back to keep out of range, but the massive circle seems to depict some kind of mansion or mountain range-

KRI- KRACK.

The two of them, along with entire nearby trees, are frozen solid within an instant, frosty energy billowing from the huge mass of air frozen into ice too solid to see through.

...After some moments, it heightens in coloration, before-

KRACK! It all snaps away in an instant-

Shikome's thrusting herself down onto the vampire again, having been blown straight up into the air by the attack, her kimono now half-vaporized, frost embedded through many parts of her form-

"Hua- hahahuah…!" The little vampire lashes up again-

Bam! Shikome kicks down to ground her-

"Hauh…!" This seems to make her recoil-

Shu- shu- shunk! Shunk- shunk! Rapidly, Shikome stabs into her arms over and over, attempting to lull her into a broken state by running tendrils into every part of her body, testing vital areas and disabling limbs when she could-

"Nng- nghauh…" With this, the loli vampire finally stopped lashing out as violently-

KRI~NG! A blade of ice thrust from her chest. Shikome slowly rose up from the force of the impact, but her tendrils kept her grounded, the attack just not strong enough.

Kra- krack. Digging through the oversized blade, Shikome finally reached her still-enough form.

In a victorious position, Shikome brought her face closer to hers. "You will cease."

"Huaa~!" The vampire girl bellowed up at her-

Fwa~sh. ...Only Shikome's face was frozen by the roar.

Crack. The ice left it a moment later-

"Mmh…" Shikome smashed her face into hers.

"Nngh…!" The vampire girl shut her eyes of interchanging colors, jerking her head about to try and resist, or work her way out, but found herself unable.

The actual sight of this scene is something far beyond human, despite their basic appearances. Both Shikome and the girl are different flavors of swiss cheese at the moment, with the former's tendrils everywhere making it look more like a really intricate spike trap than two people making out.

...Shikome started to try and let her tendrils lift the girl's legs-

Wha- wha- wham- shushunk. She was forced to pin them back down after they flailed with completely inhuman methods, the vampire trying to work her way free.

...So now I get to watch Shikome aggressively make out with her. Blood of Shikome's black tint and of the girl's red tint form a big puddle all around one another, and over all of Shikome's tendrils.

Basically, it's a huge mess, and also a biohazard. I'm not getting near that ever.

...There's limb movement, and Shikome's doing something that I think is pleasurable to her, but it's all a blur of faded colors and textures to me. I say pleasurable because she's humping something.

"Fwa~h…" Shikome lifts her face from the vampire's, and it's clean of gore due to the ice that'd broken from her face previously. She's blushing, a trail of saliva drooping from their lips, despite some of her lip and cheek flesh missing.

...Once she's certain the vampire's in place, she begins to slide her thigh between the vampire's legs…

Cr- crack… The snapping sound this time came from the sound of Shikome's body regenerating again. As the pace of it picked up, I was able to see the wood-like spikes and tendrils fill in her empty cavities, black goo and fog spattering from her exposed segments.

"Ha~h…" Her breath growing heavier, Shikome seems to fall into a rhythm of sliding against her thigh in some way, while her own thigh moves in on the vampire's…

"Ce- Celica…!"

A deeper, womanly voice yells from behind me-

Aa- ah. Oh. She'd bounded up and stood behind me, resting her breasts on my head-

Then, she pushes me out of the way. "Celica!"

"Nnh- nnh…" Celica, that's what her name was. I have seen her before. She tried to freeze Brad that one time, and it didn't work.

Cli- click.

Instantly, the bustier vampire with the world's least well-assembled cloth top was next to Shikome, a large, decorative musket held pointed at her.

...Looking at the barrel, Shikome tilts her head. Gingerly, she reaches out for it-

BANG! The bullet shot through her palm, stopping in her collar-

Clank! Grabbing the barrel, she tugged on the gun, and the busty blonde lets her take it. Twirling it around-

"Onh!" ...She shoved it into Celica's ass, I'm pretty sure.

Fwish. The bustier vampire vaporizes the gun immediately afterward. At least, I think that's how it went, unless Celica's ass devoured it magically.

Cli- cli- cli- click. After a moment, a half- circle of bolt-action rifles formed in the air around Shikome.

shi- shi- shi- shink. Retracting her tendrils, Shikome slung Celica over her shoulder-

BA- BANG- POW- BANG- BANG! While the bullets flied, Shikome accelerated off into the forest outskirts, her natural walking pace zipping to ludicrous speed.

Papapapapapap…

The busty woman looks around for a moment, before cursing. "Dammit! Celica~!"

Voo~sh! She flew off into the air at unimpressive but still very fast speed.

The darkness of the forest closes in around me. I should get going before the fluffles emerge.

/ / / / honh honh honh / / / /

...We arrive back at the village gates. By 'we', I mean Shikome's probably inside somewhere. I did find actual mushrooms on the way back, that weren't molested by her very existence.

Stepping up to the gate, I make eye contact with the robed guard amidst the team stationed here.

...Looking down at me, he raises a brow. "Identification?"

I draw my wooden ID, with gold lettering. Exclusive to council members.

...Now both of his eyebrows are raised. Turning to the men beside him, he gives them a small wave. "...Open the gate, yeah."

Cla- cla- cla- cla- clank. Smooth and effortless, by comparison to the teeth pulling that was every other week.

Promptly, I'm allowed inside, and I proceed without any other words to the guards.

...There's a big poster on the house to my right. I'm not sure why Miko's hanging up posters of herself looking like a maniac around the town at this point, but okay.

These days, the streets are… as orderly as they typically are, really. There's just some more actually regulative guard presence on the roads now. Okita's not difficult to persuade when it comes to their behavior, and things actually seem ironically sane regarding their priorities now.

We should still probably do something about the crazy people we can't arrest for being crazy, however. They still sort of muddle the process…

"Bye~!"

...I watch this young blonde girl in an eyepatch see off that one mage guy I forgot the name of. "Have fun at wo~rk!"

"Yeah- see ya t'night!" Fred, that's what his name was. Who the hell named him Fred. We're in a Japanese society. Well, there is Marisa, but she's also an exception from things.

...Following Fred for a couple moments, I part once I reach my turn. Rounding the corner around the square aptly, it's just a little further to Small Packages. An overcast began to set in over the sunny sky, which is unfortunate to be certain.

"Go on i~n!" The girls at the front of Golden Grin cheer as they allow another old guy inside to get his doofy brown hat scammed off. "Woohoo~!"

...And now I'm here.

"Gho~ on i~n…" One of our zombies with a tubby knight helmet on his head gives us a wave. "Fhood-... s'good fhoo~..." Thank you. I'm convinced. Your breath smells like infinite death, and my nose isn't even that great…

Inside, I begin to approach the counter.

"Nnh- nha~h…!" Shikome's making a mess of the counter, Celica splayed out on it and still naked and bloody and everything. Not actively bleeding, as she's begun to heal, but she's drained, smeared with gooey crap, and being molested.

I'm not going to mention where Shikome's hand is, but she's making this very public and I'm uncertain about this. The few generic faceless male patrons we have are staring.

Oh well.

...Nearby, Kaku- or Seiga, one of the two- is staring at them plainly. In her off-hand, she has a blonde marionette, fitted with a small brown dress and what I assume to be villager rags, in puppet form. She's just dangling it about plainly.

There's this really nervous teen boy here, too. Well, not very teen, but he's a little shy of being a gruff generic faceless man. "...I- I'd like a Kakashi Premium." He's doing his best to ignore both Seiga and the lesbian stuff going on beside himself.

Also, 'Tay' is squeezing his ass. "...Wanna compare dicks?"

"What's a Kakashi Premium…?" Vanilla hasn't been educated in the beer arts, because all beer is beer, and we here at Small Packages don't discriminate beer based on something as unfair as quality of product.

"Are you a virgin…?" Tay whispers into his ear.

"I- I just wanna Kakashi Premiu~m…!" The black-haired guy starts to bring his hands to his head…

Tay nuzzles his- her- whatever's head into the side of his neck, on his shoulder. "We have discounts for virgins." Do we? I don't think so. That might not be a horrible idea, but it's not like we can make sure. At the same time, if you get plastic surgery just to get the virgin discount at a hooker joint again, you might as well get it. That probably costs more money overall.

Anyway. "One Kakashi Premium, coming up!" I decide to sate his wishes, and pull a random bottle off the shelf.

Shoof. It slides across the counter to him, because my step stool wasn't near him and I was too lazy to move it. I did get good at sliding stuff across counters however, because it was necessary for this line of duty.

...Upon picking the bottle up, he frowns and shakes his head. "Thi- this is corner store sake…"

You're corner store sake.

...Vanilla's looking idle. It's a loli kind of day. She doesn't seem very fazed about another loli on the counter getting snuggled into oblivion.

"Well. It's all you'll get." I decide to inform him. "Little boy-"

Thunk! "Uhuh…"

Thud. One of our zombies flopped over, after being kicked in the chest.

"Where the hell's-..." There's the bomb vampire of doom and gloom, infiltrating to get her fellow vampire back.

...I give her a wa~ve.

"Celica!" She starts to run forward-

"Ho~ld it-nya!" ...Ow. Yelling was and will never be my favorite thing.

...I twitch a cat ear at her. Take that. And- that. And this-

Climbing over the counter for real, I land on the other side after some compact maneuvering, and step forward to the vampire.

She glares down at me with her amber red eyes. "I'll make you my fuckmuffin, you little slut." Oh. "I knew I should've confronted you there. Since you're here now, however…"

I just kinda flick my hand in response. "Not the finest idea, but okay."

...She looks puzzled by my phrasing, before looking up at Celica. "Who's this little cunt?" The woman points her finger over at Shikome-

Cli- click. Then, a bolt action rifle materializes in the air before her.

Tay seems to have parted from the generic boy, and made their way over to the vampire. "Oh my go~d you're hot…! Oh yeah!"

Immediately, she buried her face into the woman's chest.

Cla- clack. "Wha- what the hell!" Letting her bolt action rifle drop to the ground, she steps back, and Tay keeps up with her movements, hugging on. "...Perverted lech."

"Wouldn' ha' ih' an'oth' wh'..." Tay's words are muffled through the cleavage.

"Aa- ah…" Celica's still with us, it seems. She raises a hand from the counter. "Ra-... Raymond…"

...So that's why I couldn't remember the bomb vampire's name. It's the worst thing ever.

"Celica…!" Still alarmed at her friend's treatment, the busty vampire moves even with Tay latching onto her-

"Ooa~h? What's this…?" Owo, huh. It seems Isami's been attracted down here, too. "Wo~w…! You bagged a good one this time! Fuck!"

"Ri~ght…?" Tay began cupping the larger woman's assets. "Hehehe~! She's really something…!"

"She smells like dick…" Isami remarked. "And we'd know!"

"What…!?" At this point, Raymond was effectively baffled. "Get the hell away from me!" She tried to swat one away-

Fwip. Ducking under her arm, Isami cuddled up to her side. "Oo~h. You're so warm…"

"Eeh…!" Raymond's hands spread open, when Tay grabs her ass. "You-!"

"Liked that, huh?" Tay leaned around to speak into her ear. "That nice big ass…"

Scowling, the vampire exhaled. "You weaklings think you can come up and rape me?"

"It's not ra~pe." Isami moved to fondle her again. "Not if you enjoy it…"

"I'll rape you!" With that-

Thud. Raymond pushed her over, her clothes whirling to cast themselves off…

...I turn to Vanilla, and this escalation's actually invoked an apprehensive stare from her.

...Seiga is the least fazed of everyone, next to perhaps me.

"A- aah…" That black-haired guy boy is still here, and now completely distracted.

Oh. Shikome's waved for Vanilla's attention. Once the little vampire looks, the murder loli holds up a leg, and stares expectantly.

...Vanilla's not sure what she's asking, so she just shys back a little-

"Feed." Shikome actually uses words to solve this problem. Well, a word.

"Wh- what…?" Vanilla shook her head fervently. "N- no, she's a vampire. I can't-"

"Feed on food." Shikome knew what was best, however. She jerked the leg towards the little vampire again.

...While Vanilla remained receptive, Shikome began licking the leg, perhaps as a sign. Slowly, she traced her way to the crotch-

"Drawing from another vampire's blood…"

Ah. Seiga's begun talking. If she goes on a rant again, I will be marginally upset. "Typically, in the vampire world, it would be regarded as taboo… but-"

"My sister-... she used to do that to me." Vanilla-... wait, she has a sister?

...Seiga's furrowed her brows. "Really…? You have a sister? Interesting."

"Yeah…" Vanilla nodded simply. "What was that about taboo?"

...It seems Seiga's taking this moment to strategize. Then, she perks up- "Hmhm. What I said was about as self-explanatory as it gets. Vampires frown strongly upon kin that feed from kin. Almost akin to how humans frown on cannibalism, except with homicidal implications."

...Vanilla looks subtly troubled by this. "I- I don't wanna make anyone angry…"

Thu- thud! The three fractionally-female orgy began to get disorganized… "I'll show you the power of a vampire's body…!"

"It might be important to note…" Lazily, Seiga leaned onto the counter… "Vampires gain the power of kin they drain."

...It takes a moment for Vanilla to process this, but then she her gaze focused on the blue-haired woman. "That… I dunno if that's right."

"Oh, it's right, alright." Seiga gave her a big smile. "How much did you love your sister?"

...In the end, Vanilla simply ends up looking displaced and awkward. "U- um… I liked her. She was my sister. I don't… think she would have hurt me. Unless- she didn't know-"

"How old's your sister?" Seiga plainly tilted her head…

...Vanilla shifted again. "Um. Not… young?"

"Then, she knew." Letting the weird marionette hanger drift from her hands, she rests her arms on the counter. "Of course, I know nothing of your relationship, so you may ignore me… but I believe you've been repressed."

...Vanilla stared at the floor-

"Food." Shikome seems to have slid Celica closer, now.

Vanilla pouts, and holds her mouth away from the leg. "N- no…"

"Holy crap…!" There's sounds of pseudo-lesbianism in the background. I'd go into detail, but solar winds won't let me.

"Ra- Ray-" Celica opens her mouth-

Swish. A tendril whirls into the way, and gags her. "Mmh…"

...Looking up from the floor- and her whatever she's doing- she yells. "Damn it- I'm coming, Celica!"

Getting up- with the traps hanging onto her limbs- Raymond quickly hobbles up before us. "I'm not letting you take Celica from me!"

...Shikome glances up at her, before promptly ignoring her. She's staring down at Celica, and curious to see if her arm fits up her a-

"I'm talking to you, mongrel!" Raymond jerks a pointed finger at Shikome. "I'll blow your fucking head off!"

"Except, you won't." I lean onto the counter, atop my step stool…

...Furrowing her brows, she snarls at me. "I'll rip you apart-"

"We're in the village." Begin defense one.

...She takes pause only for a moment, before spreading her arms and fingers. "I don't care. I love Celica. Your pitiful little lives aren't even specks of dust by comparison…"

"That's not really the point…" Oh. Seiga's decided to speak up. She lazily faces the vampire… "Starting a ruckus here's more trouble than it's worth, you know."

"I don't care!" Raymond swung an arm out in anger. "We don't need to put up with the stupidity of mortals!"

"How about…" I rub my tiny hands together. "We cut you a deal?"

She reels her head back, her eyes widening. "A- a deal!? You're bargaining for your life here!"

...I shake my head simply. "No."

"More like bargaining for your peace of mind…" Seiga gave the vampire a smarmy stare. "Every day after you torment this place, you'll never hear the end of it."

Shutting her eyes, Raymond deflated. "...What. What's your offer…?" While she looks angry, the trap girls have re-established themselves at her sides, and are doing the not-T-rated things. I'm sure the advertisers love family-friendly content like this.

"...You will work here." I declare. "Under a few conditions."

"...Hmm. Fine." She agrees rather quickly. "Name them."

My loli voice lays down the terms with authority. "You will need to use your dick."

...She blinks, furrowing her brows; which is impressive, because she looks inhumanly pissed off as it is. "I don't have a member. How did you…?"

Well, that's peculiar. What Isami said implies you do. Regardless… "Get a dick then." I put it elegantly.

...Her eyebrows are simply raised.

"Oo~h…!" Tay beams, holding up the woman's- censorship is great, isn't it. "We getta' keep her…!?"

"I'm serving my dues." Raymond snipped back at them, her expression low. "When I'm done, you'll all be sorry."

Very good. I turn to Shikome. "Get our newest employee situated for the work day. The big one."

...She retracts her hand from somewhere unmentionable, and gingerly begins to romp around the counter, to our new permanent guest.

"Um…" Raymond watches her approach, and gives her a jagged frown. "Keep your hands off of me, you filthy-"

Shikome easily grabs onto her side, and begins dragging her towards the stairs. "He- hey! I can walk! Let me go!"

...After they tussle for a few moments, Shikome decides to let go.

Stepping back, Raymond brushes herself off. "You- stupid little-"

Thunk. Very simply, Shikome punted her in the cunt.

"Onh- a-..." Raymond shut her eyes, barring her teeth and squeezing her legs inward. "Owhowhow~..."

Lugging her under her arm, Shikome was able to carry the big mature woman much easier now. The visual looks weird and impossible, but is apparently possible.

After a quick moment, they proceed up the stairs. Celica's left twitching on the counter below, watching them sadly…

"Hey, Vanilla." Everything considered... "You sure you don't wanna drain her? Getting her powers sounds pretty good."

Vanilla resolutely shakes her head, and her hair whips about a little. "N- no. No. I won't."

Well. Suit yourself… there's probably barely anything left anyway.

Is Celica well enough to answer questions? Let's find out.

"Celica." I call her name. "Question one. Where do you come from?"

...Nothing meaningful, aside from twitching, but she was doing that anyway.

"Final question." It's also the best question. "Can you give Raymond a dick?"

...Hmm. Still nothing. That's less than fortunate.

...I meander around the counter, and begin to slap my fluffy tail against her nose.

"...Ts- tsst." She gives a little sneeze in response. I win everything.

Clu- clunk- thud- thunk… The trap girls rumble their way upstairs behind Shikome. They look eager enough.

Seiga seems to be fiddling with some stone tablet. She looks very much like she's simply killing time, at the moment. I don't imagine she's got a great reason to be here right now.

Maybe I'll spend some time out on the town, again. Vanilla can keep manning the wheel while I'm gone, and everything else seems to be in order.

...Before I go, maybe I'll set the jukebox to something other than dead silence.

Stepping over, I reach out for it, and begin to tune the dial…

"Die! Die! Die!" This was a mistake. Who set the volume to maximum… "Can you feel the edge!? Die! Die! Die!"

/ / / / SLIDE RIDE DOWN TO HELL / / / /

It is a tremendous surprise to everyone, that absolutely nothing goes on in the village during the day.

Once again, the kids are eating ice cream across the street from our rapezone. I don't really feel like ice cream, so I ignore whatever's going on there.

In the village square, there's some people, but not many. I suppose as winter picks up, there will be less and less people out getting things they may or may not need. That, and the new ID laws probably changed some things around, depending on how many villagers were legitimate. There's still probably… too many people here. Maybe I should count them. One, two-

"Hey, he~y…"

Reimu walks down the square ahead, looking lazy, with her arms behind her head, showing off her disgusting armpits.

Marisa's flying in a slow circle around her. "You get yer ID yet, Reimu~? Lemme see if ya got any alcohol, under that ribbon 'a yers…!"

"Don't remind me…" Reimu shook her head, letting her arms down. "I waited in line for an hour, and all I got was this stupid piece of wood. It's unholy wood too, which just makes it even worse."

"...Y'know." Marisa shifted to sit sideways on her broom, propping a hand to her chin. "If humans get their IDs fer free, can ya just keep losin' 'em until you build up an arsenal of 'em…?"

"You'd die waiting in line, first." Shaking her head, Reimu dismissed this plan. "They seem to have been treated with holy magic, which is… I don't know. I wanted to look at everything, but the guards got really defensive and saw me out. It'd be nice if Reisen could finish that cloaking device she was working on a few months ago…"

...Marisa rose her brows. "She was makin' a what now, ze…!?"

"Nevermind." The miko cringed.

Fwiosh! Hmm…?

I take a good look at them, and some yellow-clad girl with a black hat is where Marisa was now. "Hey, Reimu~..."

"Wha- what…" Understandably, Reimu is confused. "Ah. You're that-"

"Yeah- I'm Koishi, hi." 'Koishi' apparently introduces herself. "I was wondering what kinda skin lotion you use. You're really soft."

...Reimu is conflicted. "What do you mean- no, I don't use any. I can't afford any. I-"

Fwiosh! With a flash of pinkish, purplish light-... Marisa's back in place of whoever that was. Someone replaced her.

"I don't know how you-..." Reimu seems to lose her thoughts mid-sentence. I blame her armpits. Who was she talking to?

...Slowly, Marisa became smug. "Yer real soft, Reimu."

"What are you talking about." Reimu seems to be getting irritated...

As nice as this is, I'm getting bored.

Turning away, I move around them so that they wouldn't notice me, and continue down the opposite road across the square. Today's gotten rather late, but the sun hasn't set yet.

...Down this path, there's a lit sign that wasn't lit before. I recognize it being there, but the days previous, it's been unlit. Now it's shimmering with yellow and red light. The store's insignia seems to be a red-and-yellow triangle, which spirals into the center with angled turns.

...There's some words to it, but they're in Japanese, so I'm sort of disadvantaged. No harm in going inside, however.

Stepping up to the stylized storefront, the windows are steamy and opaque, which is perhaps indicative of either good food or disaster. I walk inside through the pushable door...

Di~ng, do~ng. That's a rather modern beeper for entry. It probably came from somewhere…

Beyond that, the inside is… surprisingly kempt.

"Yeah- woah…!"

Fwoo~sh…! A table nearby with bottles of soda on it erupts with a fountain of small soda streams from the bottle spouts, and the generic villagers there beam up at it ecstatically. "See~, Yagi? This place is great!"

'Yagi', some brown-haired girl, had her eyes on their waiter instead.

"Marvelous, isn't it!?" He's clad in a tight, red t-shirt and black short shorts.

"Yeah…!" The generic anime protagonist nods enthusiastically.

Moving briskly past them, I pass the middle dividers in the store, and see more seats, as well as the front counter.

Pop! There's some hipster behind the front counter, blowing a pink bubble. Bubblegum existed…?

To the left, at one of the side tables with cushy booth-esque seats-

"Hmhm…!" Oh. There's a nazi at the pizza joint.

...I rub my eyes just to make sure I've not been fooled or bested, but there is indeed a nazi sitting at the booth, clad in officer-...

That's Brad in a nazi outfit, chewing on a cheese pizza with a satisfied look on his face.

Some generic villager girl's next to him, and she looks fairly happy. Hmm.

...This is questionable, in more than a few ways.

After swallowing his bite, he holds up his slice. "Hey- yo, Genkan. Y'want a bite…?" He seems to be holding it out to someone who's not there.

...After a few moments, he shrugs. "Freakin'- too messy…!? S'freakin good, yo! An'- take it from me, I don't like messes either, but this is one 'a few good messes!"

I think he's finally lost it. This is the most questionable thing to ever question, perhaps; even if the outcome was predictable. I'm more curious as to where the nazi outfit came from, why he has it, and who gave it to him-

Fwiosh! Wait- what…

...After setting his slice down, his form vanishes in a flash of pink energy, and a yuki-onna is left sitting there.

...Pensively, she picks up the same slice. After looking uncomfortable about it- either because she's unwittingly receiving HIV from biting from the same pizza slice as Brad, or-... no, that's probably the only reason.

She commits suicide by biting from it anyway. She raises her eyebrows from the confusion, then the horror, and then her senses dull as her expression returns to neutral. Like this, the light fades from her eyes-

"It's not bad…" She responds after swallowing her slice. "Really flavorful. Also, really different from regular cheese."

"Yeah…" The generic girl agrees softly.

...I haven't had pizza in some time, actually. Perhaps I'll order, and not just stare at these maniacs like a dangerous stranger.

Coming up to the counter, I encounter a wild hipster. Maybe this was a mistake. There's no demerit in turning back now-

"May I take… your orde~r?" She chews her gum between each word, and seems pretty defeated to begin with. As it turns out, she will be spared of the kitten's claws today. Unless she gets my order wrong.

"Cheese pizza." I'll keep it simple. I doubt they have anything for toppings beyond that, considering this village.

...A second later, and she taps on the counter, before writing down the order swiftly. Tearing the paper from the rest of the notes, she slaps it onto the counter behind herself… before taking it back and holding the pen to it. "Ya want… a drink with that?"

"Sure." No, I'll just down a whole pizza with no beverage. "Extra large." I am money. "...Juice, or water." They do not have those fountain drink dispensers like on the outside. It's an unfortunate loss. Perhaps the most unfortunate.

...At that, she nodded. "How big 'a pizza~...?"

Really big. Really small. "...Large." Might as well.

"Anything else?" The cashier girl leans to the side like she wants to die. "That'll be two thousand ye~n…"

Twenty bucks for pizza and an omega drink. Hmhm.

Reaching into my wallet I had procured over the previous days, I lay the exact yen amount down neatly. "Here."

"Thank you…" Taking the bills, she slides them somewhere beneath the counter, before slapping the order down on the metal counter behind herself again. The kitchen likely rested back there. "Large chee~se!"

Well, while that happens…

I move to one of the central tables, and position myself to get both a good view of the generic anime people, as well as Brad's insane asylum outing.

The burly, blonde guy in the doofy outfit moves past us with an impossible ice cream in his arms, and places it before the generic anime people on the other side of the divider. "He~re's your order!"

"Thank you! This is great!" That boy is doomed.

...Yagi- or Yogi, I kind of forgot already- seems to just stare down at the ice cream in quiet wonder.

Fwiosh! After another explosion of pink from Brad's table, he's back in place of the yuki-onna. "Yo ho ho! Aw…!"

The generic villager girl stares back at me. I meet her gaze until she relents and feels awkward.

The nazi looks over at her, then at me. We stare one another down while he chews on his pizza, and the burly male stripper passes between us.

...He begins to grin at me like an asshole after a moment. "Aw, dude. Friends…" He turns to Maria, gesturing over to me.

"She's-... I guess." The girl continues to be useless.

I'd fold my ears at them, but they don't deserve that much.

Thump- thump- thump! All of a sudden, a tall girl romps past us from the front door of the store, clad in a visor, black pants and a red shirt. "Gehehe~!" That has to be a youkai.

Bounding up to the staff door at the front counter, her absurd assets jiggle. I couldn't get a good glimpse, but it looked like she had shark teeth. Probably just my vision playing tricks on me.

Even with this new body, my vision still half-sucks, and my nose doesn't know how to be a nose. I want a refund.

...I curl my tail before myself, and instantly all the problems go away.

"Alri~ght!" The walking obscenity is back. Bounding over to my table, she plops down a big box, and slides it closer to me. "He~re ya are, little ki~tty! Aaw..."

Sliding into the seat next to me, our height differences become very apparent. "Yer so li~ttle! Ya sure ya even have enough room fer a large…?"

Click! She sets down the big glass of juice before me. It's more like a mug, really. "Gahaha~! Even this drink's like, half 'a yer body volume…!"

Oh. Those are indeed shark teeth. They glisten in the light.

Reaching out-

She begins petting me. "He~re, kitty kitty kitty~..."

"Sto- stop that." Begone, thot. Land shark of doom.

She leans even closer-

Scratch, scratch, scratch… Reaching under my chin with her other arm, she starts scratching it. "Gehehe~..." This close, I can see that she has braces on over her shark teeth...

I start to wave her off of myself. "Go away." I'd like to eat this thing before it gets cold.

...The bespectacled, mature woman slides back. "Aww~. Grumpy~." From here, I notice how unkempt her black pigtails are. "Fi~ne."

...Good. Now to consume in peace.

Once she's gone, I get to my things…

/ / / / PIZZA PARLOR PARTY SON / / / /

That's… about as much as I'm willing to eat.

One thing that remains certain: my body capacity is less than half of what it was. It was still good, at least.

Perhaps that was a bit of an exaggeration, but managing to eat half of a large isn't even close to finishing it. I'm not sure how this place can afford to make them absolutely enormous, either.

After sipping from my silly mug, I get up…

That yuki-onna's currently being molested by the girl with the stupid shark teeth. I really want to know where the nazi officer uniform came from.

"So, like, what's with tha' whole switcharoo thing, hah?" The obscenity says this while hugging herself into the yuki-onna's side. "Livin' the double life dream?"

...The yuki-onna looks jaded. "...I'm finding it hard to understand your attraction to me."

The pale girl brings her cheek up to the yuki-onna's. "I'm findin' it hard t'understand why yer such an ice lady…! Gahaha!"

I'm dying. Regardless.

Pap. I slap my little hands on the table.

...The girls all look at me. The shark-toothed succubus beams at me. "He~y, kitty!"

"Where would I find a nazi uniform?" I ask everyone applicable. Surely Brad's idiots must know.

...I get blank stares, until-

Fwiosh! Brad switches in for his ice bimbo. "Hoh- shit…! Someone who knows about the nazi regi~ huwoah shit!"

The pale-skinned idiot pulls him closer to her. "An' there ya are! Just a matter 'a time, huh!?"

...While he tries to wiggle from her grasp-

"I asked a question." He looks distracted, so I remind him. He would have forgotten, so I have to do this.

Looking up at me again, he holds onto the table. "Freakin'- where I got it? I got it on a farm…!"

"A farmhand, ah?" The woman tries to annihilate him with the crush of death-

Fwiosh! ...Then, the ice woman was there, frowning at her-

"M~wah!" The pale girl kisses her on the cheek anyway.

This place needs to be firebombed.

I'm pretty sure he didn't get the suit on a farm. "Let me speak to him." I demand.

...The yuki-onna gives me a vain stare. "Do you think that's an option?"

"Yes." I really don't care. You don't know anything, so you're useless.

...The yuki-onna seems to roll her eyes-

Fwiosh! -as Brad's rolled out through the pink whatever again.

"Gahaha~!" The molester girl instantly reaffirms her grasp on him again. "Yer like, two people at once! That's awesome…!"

"Down- down rich road!" He points at me, so I can tell who he's talking to. "At the end, s'a farm! Ask ta test a black suit- ya didn't hear it from me- freakin' what the frik…!" He begins to cringe as the pizza bimbo brings her face near his ear-

Fwiosh! Now the yuki-onna's getting the same treatment, looking pouty about it.

That's both literally all the info I'll ever get, and all the info I'm willing to get.

Leaving them behind, I move to the front…

Those generic ragamuffin goons are back up again. "You ready to go?" The brown-haired guy turns to what I assume is his girlfriend.

Yoomi or whatever her name was gives him a brisk nod. "...Ye- yeah. I had fun."

...While they make for the door, I tread out behind them. We very efficiently make our way outside. I couldn't stay around that crap for another second.

The night outside has arrived quickly. Moving briskly in the starry, cold air, I keep up with the two young people. The road's not terribly populated, at this time of day.

"It's a pretty fun place…" The guy begins talking as we make across the almost empty road, illuminated by the amber-copper light of the night lamps. "My dad showed me it, a year ago. They only recently reopened…"

Like most villagers, they don't live on the short stretches of main road. These ones turn down the deviating alleys, and I keep up with their movements.

"Now that I look back on it, I guess it was rather weird, huh…?" He turned to her casually…

"...A little." She confessed to him. "I, had fun."

She's of a particularly quieter sort. I hadn't noted her straight, light brown hair before, because it was unremarkable. Or maybe I have. She's just that unremarkable.

"I'm glad…" The guy gave her a nod. Sometimes, I'm not certain if people are just numb to interacting with one another too, or if they're just stupid.

We pass down the dark, musty back alleys, filled with the scent of trapped water and wood. The irrigation and plumbing is pretty much non-existent here, but I've never seen even the idiots try to drink from the chocolate-colored ponds in the alleys.

"You know…" The girl- Yogi, that was her name. Took a stroke of genius for that memory to stop being dead. "Thank you, for everything." As I was saying, she's looking at the generic boy.

I call him a boy, but he's more like a… young adult? "...I'd do anything to make you happy, Yogi."

"..." Slowing down, she just sort of stares at him, and he comes to a stop too, smiling back at her.

Where they chose to stop was in the midst of one length between two homes. One dark window faces down on us, from an adjacent two-story. There's a dumpster to the left.

"Let's… just stop at my place." Yogi begins to move, but only a little. "I hate walking through these alleys… at night especially."

"You don't have to be afraid with me around." The guy presses his thumb to his chest. "...Y'know, someday, I'm thinkin' of becoming a youkai hunter!"

She gives an audible snort in the night's silence. "You wish…"

Now should be a good time as any. They seem to have run their dialogue through.

I've realized there's something I haven't done in… quite a long time. From my pockets, I draw my quicker, most convenient scissor pairs.

Quick Scissorangs, and the sliding scissors. Not usually the most useful in my hands, however…

When Yogi Bear gets walking, I bring my hand that holds it back… then-

Fwish! I slide forward, digging my heels against the crappy, semi-muddy floor, and flick my wrist forward-

The sound of my muddy skidding causes them to flinch for a moment. That's when the quick scissorang- the garish pink thing it is- magically twirls around before the girl's head.

This is why I slid forward. The scissors just barely flip around her neck, my toss almost horribly misjudged from even this distance-

"Ngh- nh…!" She goes for her neck. Razor-thin, invisible in the dim dark lines of steel choke her as the twirling scissors pull her back. "Huo- hau~…!"

"Yagi!?" The boy whirls back as she's constrained and pulled-

Fwi~sh! I slide up along her side, my balance chancing itself as I slide ahead out of control, and-

Shink! Metal scissors meet her neck's broadside, stopping my momentum from my arm to my body, the blade's force meeting her as she stumbled straight back into it.

The Quick Scissorshave clattered against me already, but I simply flail for the string and trace it until I get it back…

"Gkh- hh~k…" She's holding onto the side of her neck, where the blood's coming out. "Ke- Kei…"

"Yagi!" He leaps forward-

Pap. His arms catch her as she slips off her shoes, and onto her knees. "Yagi! Wh- ah…" Looking up at me, his eyes are wide, disbelieving and shocked.

I meet his gaze. He's right there, jaw dropped and shaking as he seems to choose between addressing his lover and being apprehensive of me.

"Yagi… Yagi!" He begins trying to make her stand. I might as well act, before this goes on too long.

Casually, I start to strafe behind him. Except, he notices. "You- Youkai…! You- you monster…"

"Nn- nhu~..." Yagi falls out of his grasp, and his eyes go wider again.

"Yagi- no…! Yagi- hang on…! I'll…" He doesn't really have an idea what to do here.

...While I step closer-

Now he's crying. As his face reddens, he begins to slide a hand along his side-

Fwish! Dropping the quick scissors- as they're still all tangled up in her neck despite everything- I jump into a slide along his side, landing on the mud and skidding passing him-

BANG! The flintlock he pulled releases a billow of smoke into the evening. Not ideal. Even if he can't hit anything, guns are a ridiculous amount of noise.

Now behind him, I leap onto his back, and harass him as cat people do. "Nya ha ha~!" Because really, why the hell not.

"Agh- no…!" He begins to flail his arms around, trying to get me off.

...I was considering to incapacitate him, but… actually. There should be a way, let me just…

While he moves to a wall to ram me off, I climb up his back awkwardly-

bam. He succeeds in hitting me against the wall, but it's really not bad, even if not good…

Covering his eyes, I manage to get onto his shoulders like an asshole, because I'm that tiny. "Nya- aah…!"

Splat! There. He fell over, because I just did cat things to his balance. "Auh…! Damn- damn…!"

...Oh, what. The girl's trying to crawl away. How the hell is she not dead yet.

Sprinting off the ground, from my four limbs to my legs, I move up to her-

Pap! -and stomp her head with my shoe, because really, she shouldn't be alive right now. Now the string's farther, and- let's see if I can just pull it…

Tugging the invisible wire along- finding it by digging my fingers into the mud like a maniac- I see the guy up again.

Well. This is a turn of events. He's holding the quick scissors, and a half-reloaded flintlock, while I hold the string. "Ge- get away from her…!"

I'm pretty sure she's already dead. If this is going to be this annoying, I could just kill him. He can't really reload further like this, and like me, he's spattered in mud…

Actually, I'm retarded. There's an easy solution to all of this. I suppose I've had my head in the clouds too much, recently…

Letting go of the string-

Fwish! I slide up to him, running awkwardly as I half-slip and slide my way to him-

"Fu- fuck you!" Tears streaming down his face, he tries to whip the pistol towards me-

Whump.

My boot meets his dick.

"Hu-..." Very efficient. Painful, incapacitating, and lasting. I'm glad I'm not male anymore, even if getting cunt punted is still a thing. "U- uu…"

...Eyes shut, he curls up on the dirt. "No- oh… Yo-... Yagi..."

Maybe I should pretend to eat his jugular just to be an asshole.

...Well, he's shivering now. Crouching down- ah, hell with it. I'm matted with mud at this point. Getting on all fours, I bring my teeth to his neck, and make nibbling noises. Licking sounds, and the likes.

"Hu- hu…" The guy shivers harder.

...Now. Why did I incapacitate him? I can't carry a guy back on my own, like this, short of teeth pulling. Maybe I'll just put him out of his misery, and-

There's a hand on my shoulder.

"Nn!" I leap out of my skin, clearing the doomed boy, before landing clumsily.

I'm up in a second. This new body's actually great agility-wise. It'd probably be better if I hadn't just gorged on pizza.

...It's some tall bimbo. The pale, black-haired and navy yukata-clad woman licks her lips, as she presses her hands together.

"Hii~h!" I hiss at her for being a dumb bitch.

...She holds up a hand. "Peace, kitty." She holds up a pale hand, with black fingernails. "...I couldn't help but notice you… when you left our store."

Who. "...Hii~h!" Stop being a dumb bitch.

...She brings a hand down towards the bottom of her yukata, dangerously. "I~ have no mercy for criminal shitbags…" Oh. Her gaze travels to the floor, however. "Bu~t… who am I~ to tell who started it with who?"

I started it. "He did it." I point at the boy.

He's trying to uncurl, before deciding not to. "Ah- auh…" Stop crying like a little bitch.

"Then I'm su~re you won't mind me taking him, no~w?" That bust is the uncanniest thing ever. There's big breasts, and then there's big breasts. "If you want me to keep quiet about her, and her corpse… I'll need you to do something for me~..." Stop masturbating while I'm talking with you.

"No sex." I'm not into whores.

She snorts. "Aheh. That boy's a good sell… but he's not young enough. Bring me someone young… and make sure no one misses them. Drama's just bad for business…"

"Nya." I am the cuddliest fucking thing alive. I don't have to put up with your shit.

...In any case, I'll keep it in mind. Even if she has nothing to actually leverage against me, maybe she'll have something worth it. I'll consider it among my other to-do's. Getting that nazi outfit's higher priority.

"U~p, an' easy does it…" She picks up the guy, and furrows her brows a little. "Wo~w. How awkwa~rd. Well… he'll do fine. When you find me a boy… bring him behind that pizza parlor you visited."

...Oh, right. Time to collect all my crap. I'll take his flintlock while I'm at it, and toss it into an abyss later, like all those other guns I stole.

After I pick up some scissors, and wipe some of the mud and blood off on the girl's corpse over here…

That bimbo's just smiling at me, revealing ridged, jagged shark teeth. This time, not even in the pseudo-shark teeth way of that other bimbo. It's all interlocked bone with the fleshy gum architecture of a shark's teeth. Her mouth is wider than a normal person's, too.

What a freak.

...Seems that I have everything.

I move past her to get to the main road easier. She pivots to watch me leave, staring at me statically as I exit the alley.

/ / / / BARN DAYS / / / /

I could only assume the 'rich road' referred to was the one really posh road near the village council district. To my surprise, there is a closed off farm, right at the end here. The size isn't entirely unimpressive either, albeit only by comparison to the rest of the village's ghetto slum farms.

Coming up to the shut gate, my gaze travels the square, wood posts that comprise the fencing of the place. This place is surprisingly fortified, for somewhere I've never been or seen before.

...Do I really want to scale the wall? Hmm. It should be easier than when I was an asshole, but being off the ground for awhile is kind of… uncomfortable. I could scale the nearby buildings, perhaps.

Or, I could have a better idea.

Stepping back from the gate, I hold my arm up, and shut my eyes… "Saw Blade!"

After channeling the mana, I cast my arm forward-

Vrrrr~! It soars down into the lock-

KRAKRAKRAKRA- KRING! Vrr- vrr…

The lock is split apart with the force of ten thousand blades, unevenly falling from the gate as a chunk of metal. That was the loudest thing ever. I've awoken the entire neighborhood, I'm sure.

Crea~k. The gate swings open. The saw finally runs out of momentum and rolls over onto its side some distance within…

...Darting inside, I throw my gaze around. If I sprint in fast enough, no one will be able to catch me-

"Ya know, you're lucky that steel there can pro'lly be sold for the price'f a new lock!"

Damn. Who's this expiring individual…

Blonde woman in magician robes of some sort, or a dress. Don't really care which.

"...Nya." I refuse to greet her intelligently yet.

She snorts at me, before crouching slightly before the saw blade. "...Oh- before this goes poof-"

Click! The blade shimmers with blinding light, before returning to being a regular blade. "There! This'll fetch a good price…!"

"I was told you have a nazi outfit." Technically, I already have a loli-sized version of Hitler's coat.

...Staring me over, she starts to give me a slanted grin. "How the hell d'you know that? Didja see mister guy walkin' around in it?"

I just nod. It was probably Brad. Saying things might quicken this. "Yes. He said it was from here."

Giving me a nod back, she pivots and marches to the manor some distance ahead, through the front-most fields. Wow, there's actually farm stuff back here. Stalks, tilled soil, water rows…

...I could jump her, but magicians are a little dicey. Also, I wouldn't know where to find the suit, in this huge mansion. We need to tax large mansions. We need to tax her.

Nearing the door, she flips back around to me. "So what'm I gettin' outta throwin' a suit at ya? Boy better not've said I was handin' 'em out free!"

"Yes he did." He's a colossal retard. It's really nothing new.

She rolls her eyes. "Well- they ain't. Sorry ta break it to ya, kitty."

Let's rub my flank on her leg and see if she reconsiders… and headbutt it. Actually, I'm not that insane.

Also, hi, I'm police. "I'm also the Chief Financial Officer." Reaching into my suit, I draw my business card from the second pocket I check. "I have a business proposition for you."

...Her eyebrows raise for a moment, before she opens her mouth. "Wo~w. Okita get 'emself killed or what?"

"Sure." ...Oh, now I remember. He's the new captain.

Giving me the stink eye, she turns to the door. "Well- come on in, then. Tell me 'bout that business proposal 'a yers, kitty lady."

So, I go inside after her.

The manor itself seems somewhat compact, similar to the village housing in interior architecture, yet far more open-ended and customized in many ways. The walls were blue and striped, with occasional plants dotting the halls, and a small stairway up to the next level immediately before me.

In truth, I'd just made the whole proposal up as an excuse to get myself a nazi outfit, but…

"We… may be able to compensate you." This could work out well, actually. "For every suit you provide for us."

...Stopping in the midst of a small, segmented 'hall' of many small rooms, she smugly smirks at me. "Oh, really? Where's the paperwork? How much'm I makin'?"

"I have to give the product a trial run first." I advise her. "I'll have ten thousand yen forwarded to you per request, about."

...Slowing in the hall, she stops in the sixth doorframe we went through. "That so~. I guess it can't hurt. Should be a little costume in yer size. Come on…"

Down here, we take a right turn into a small, three-four 'squares' wide room. I say squares, because this mansion has many square pseudo-room segments expanded into larger series of rooms, and they're squarely uniform size-wise.

Proceeding up the stairs, and down another hall, we stop to a room on the left, across the mansion's width. Moonlight is visible from the windows along the right of the hall, before I turn into the room after the blonde, older magician.

A white-gold magilight brightens into existence, casting the room in an almost earthly glow. In here, there are many dresses on racks, and a couple token suits…

That's when I see the black uniforms and caps on a rack of their own. There's only five of them here, in varied sizes, but the fact there's more than none is…

"Hehehe!" The magician's making fun of me. "Like what'cha see!? My daughters helped me. Spiffy, huh…?"

I'd say so. Those are good suits.

"...What's ya name anyway?" She gives me a cynical grin. "Before ya up an' steal one. Just so I knows what ta tell the guard when ya make off with one."

Seems like she's still skeptical. I draw my golden ID next. "I made the new ID system. I'm Irma Grese."

In response, I get a grand nod, and a look of mixed feelings. "...You know, that kinda figures. Pro'lly went through some red-tape 'fore it became this shit. Lettin' teens inta the council…" Shaking her head, she waves at the clothes. "Take a coat an' a hat! Or not, y'know, your choice…!"

Hmhm. I think I will. So I do…

Do I put them on here, is the question. Well- the hat, obviously, there's not any harm in that. I could just package the rest of this for home.

"Oh, right. Just so ya know, the hat and coat're half dark resist each." She informs me of some… statistics? Elemental affinity? "Coat's lets ya not get cursed, hat makes weird insta-death things not so insta-deathy!"

"...Okay." That's… interesting. I'm not really sure how that works. "...What do you mean, 'dark resistance'?"

She chuckles pitifully… "Aha~h. Y'know, just, don't worry about it. If I actually get a business deal outta this, hubby'll hafta suck it!"

...Right.

Packaging the goods, I face her again. "This reminds me. Do you know much about other farms, in this area?" It's a mundane question, admittedly.

...Her stare is rather mundane in return. "Yer supposed ta be a councilgirl. I might as well say a few pieces, then. Aa~h… " Stopping to consider the question, she leaned against a nearby table, decorated with sewing implements and cloth of autumn, blue, and black shades.

"There's that one boy that got his farm blown up by ice people in the north-east region." ...It took me a moment to visualize that, but I think I've seen the slums up there. "There's some tiny family-self-sustainin' farms up past the school. There's me, and then ya got the Farmer Baron up in the-... down in the south-west, rather. Private property; only go there on appointment, or he'll shoot'cha, council-kitty or not."

Once she was finished tilting her head about and rattling off locations, she stood away from the table. "Of course, there's also the~... random civilian farm stuffs."

"Did you say… a single boy, running a farm?" I pondered- both aloud to her, and to myself.

...She blinked. "If yer thinkin' on foreclosin' him… I pro'lly won't do anything about it, but I'll be both pissed and disappointed in ya!"

Oh, well, that's awfully nice of her. "Has he had money troubles before?" While we're on this line of questioning…

She smirked, leaning to one side. "Wouldn't you know? Dig through yer records, kitty. I ain't yer accountant."

...Hmm. Maybe I can play this straight. "I'm thinkin' about helpin' him, nya."

...The woman pouts her lips for a moment, before shakin' her head. "Dunno about that. Check ya records, an' all that."

"But I'm lazy." I hunch over like an exhausted loli kitten…

"Why don'cha go ask the boy, then?" She shoos me off, beginning to grin in incredulity. "I ain't no advisor…!"

Hmm~h. Well, fine. I suppose that's far as I can push that fold.

...I slide the skull-accented black cap onto my head. It's sort of awkward for my cat ears, but also rather spacious.

/ / / / MY LEGS ARE OK / / / /

I left because I had nothing left to do there. The night's getting late, but I don't see any reason not to keep going forward and just… doing things. I'm sure the place will hold for quite some time, because Vanilla's surprisingly competent at being a clerk, for a vampire loli. Maybe it's the heightened vampiric intellect, or something.

It's also quite liberating to remove myself from the system I'd placed myself in, for a change. Not that I did much, or that I didn't explore at the time either, but… the pressure is different now.

Moving through the back alleys instead of along the main roads, I adjust my officer cap again as I march. I've had my backpack on all this time, and it was probably what cushioned that back-attack when I was on that guy. There's still a lot of shit in it, but now there's also gloves, boots, and the officer coat in it.

...After crossing the necessary main street, I enter the alleys of the northeast village block. The key to the direction is basically… the gate to Eientei is always south. The gate to the shrine and the mansion is always east. North is Magic Forest, which is essentially fuckall, and east is fuckall too, except the path passes the flower field of doom.

As such, all the important quadrants of the village are the secondary directions. They're even more segmented, in that the true composition of each quadrant isn't certain until one moves through the first layer of alleys and trudges deeper.

And, here we are. The 'farms' which appear more like slums stacked atop mud. There's a few, so I'm not sure which just has 'the one boy'. That one serial rapist around the pizza place wanted him, and I'm curious to see what would happen if I actually completed that dumb request, particularly on this evening.

There's someone out here, hunched near some mud-

Oh. I see the 'nuked' farm. Lots of spattered mud, and needles of almost entirely melted ice.

...In any case, I feel frisky. I step towards the hunched over individual, near this more intact series of vaguely stalked mud rows-

The black-haired girl turns, looking up at me-

She has six red eyes, and no mouth or nose. "Hhh~..." What the fuck- "Hi~..." As she speaks, a red seam down her face lights up…

...I'm skittish. This is what happens when you live in the slums, apparently.

"Dhon't bhe…" Her speaking is difficult, for she has no mouth. "Afhraid."

I'm very afraid. In fact, more afraid now than ten seconds ago. I think I'll just… ignore her.

Strafing around her, I keep a good eye on her-

She tilts her head back, as if to roll her eyes, even though she cannot. "Hhh~."

The worst part about this, is that it's the dead of night, and she's pretty much one of the few sources of light.

...I hurry up to the nuked farm. There's a pile of wood where the slum shack should be, except next to it is an even tinier slum shack. It's almost literally just a door leading into a closet.

Stepping up to the shack, I loom before the door.

Knock knock. Open up.

I look past my shoulder. The spider-...esque woman is still there. She could just be a result of the water around here, for all I know.

Creak- shoo~f. The door unevenly slides open, because it was apparently built very crappily.

...A small, brunette boy meets me at about eye level. "A- ah…" He's got a staff with him, and some kind of necklace around his neck. There's also a tiny candle in there, almost entirely fizzled out.

...He replies after I stare him down long enough. "He- hello?"

"I need you to come with me." There's really no casual way to put this. He needs to come with me.

"Wha- what…?" His eyes begin to widen. "No."

"Yes." You're coming with me.

Cra- shoo~f- thunk! He tried really hard to slam the door on me, but it got stuck a hand's width from being closed. "No! Go awa~y!"

"I'm the Chief Financial Officer." I'm sure I am really convincing.

"A what!?" He-... doesn't even know what that is. "Leave me alone!"

...I suppose I must huff, and puff, and blow this door down.

Actually. I have an idea.

Maybe he'll be grateful to me, if I saved him from a fire.

"Okay…" Giving a brisk nod- mostly to myself- I adjust my nazi cap, and start trailing back. "Bye…!"

...Once I'm halfway down the warzone away from the shack, I see him slide the door open just a little, then slide it shut.

...A few seconds more, and I move to return to the shack. His candle's wick was almost up, so soon, he'll be in the dark.

Until then, I wait. Going around the back of the shack, I crouch, and wait, careful not to make too much squelching in this muddy abomination of a farm he has here.

"N- no…" I was going to just wait thirty minutes, but he seems to have given me an audible clue. "Don't- don't… go out…"

Sliding the Shadow Hell scissors from my secured sheath in my suit pockets- so that they'd never accidentally ignite and explode on me- I open them… and then I snip the bottom of the structure, near the mud.

Fwoom. Purple, blackish-whiteish fire lights on the back of the structure.

Standing, I begin to march around the building with renewed vigor. Using all of these things reminds me- I should load my crappy rifle up at some point, if I need it. Perhaps I'll tinker-... later. I have to 'save' the boy when this fire starts to pan out.

Standing aside the structure, I'm back enough to see the progress it makes, so I can act accordingly.

"Wh- ah…!" I begin to hear him panic, and I jog towards the door. "No…!"

Wait. I'll wait for him to yell.

"Aa- ah-" He starts to fumble about inside.

Maybe I should make it look like I was talking to that spider-freak hooha. I don't think it will matter too much-

Shu- shunk…! He tries to thrust the crappy wood door open, and naturally, it gets stuck. "Whah- no…! Co- come on!"

Clunk! He shoves his staff inside, and I can see the rising, white-purple fire behind him as he starts to jerk the door open-

Wham! It almost falls open after enough abuse, and he begins to awkwardly clamber out-

"Are-... you okay, nya!?" It's time to play the part of the panicked plucky cat girl. "I saw the fire…!"

"O- oh…!?" He blinks at me as he hobbles out, before gazing back at the rising inferno. "...My- my… house."

Let's be honest, that was… about ten wooden planks, where the walls were concerned, and the roof was just a plywood square.

...Turning, I see the spider thing still standing there, and I point at her. "She- she did it! Nya…!" Must remember to 'nya' like a cute cat girl.

The boy whirled in the direction I pointed, and looked. When he glanced her way, the girl's red, luminescent eyes blinked shut.

...He looked very mixed about approaching her, so he just turned to me, for some reason. "I- I'm… I'm gonna-... I don't know. I don't have any money left…" Closing his own eyes, he looks crestfallen.

He won't really need it, so this should be good for him. "Aah." I make a retarded noise. "...You- you can come live at my place… nya. Wha- and-... I can also get you money! Nya!" Maybe I should stop making 'nya' noises, for now. I think he buys it.

...Blinking at me, the boy looks displaced for a moment. "Do- do you… really mean it? You- you don't just wanna… rape me, right?"

...Well, not me, technically. "Of course no~t...!" How did I fuck that line up. "I'm your age!"

Thankfully, he's stupid. "...You'd be surprised. My luck's really bad…" You're telling me. "Most've the women, who tried raping me- they've been older, but some are… not old, but not my age."

That's very nice. I'm sure you're experienced, then. "Wow. I mean… yeah, wow." I'm giving myself cancer…

...After awhile of us being dumb enough, he holds his staff up. "Don't be afraid. I'll… I'm gonna protect you!"

"Thanks…" Let's get moving before I break character entirely.

...That spider thing is still there, holding her arms out, face seemingly blank from this distance.

Let's get moving. Into the alleys, for adventure, and perhaps something rewarding at the end of this… adventure? Escapade. Wait… "Follow me!" If I don't tell him to follow me, he'll just stand there like a retard, apparently. I had to call back to him.

We leave the burning beacon of purple shit in the mud field.

/ / / / SEYMOUR THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE / / / /

I'm actually taking the time to load up that weapon. Maybe I should name it, or something. The fluids along it are… probably less than desirable, but, it's emergency-only anyway.

"Oo~..." What is this retard- no, no.

"Stay back!" I yell at him in helium. "...Nya!" Status redeemed.

He flinches back. I probably just saved his life, because he tried to touch the barrel of the gun. If he did, I'd be selling roasted little boy, instead of farm fresh.

"Wha- what…!?" Don't give me that.

While he staggers back from my volume, I find my voice and snap back. "If- if you touch the gun, it'd zap you, and kill you…" Making it sound like I care is really, genuinely difficult… especially this late.

"O- oh…" He looks away in fright. We're almost to the east main, and from there we can take some easy alleys back up to the pizza parlor. "Why… do you have so- something, like that?"

"...I've gotta protect myself." This I think I can speak honestly enough about, if not in tone. "Why do you carry that staff?"

...He furrows his brows, before sighing. "I… yeah. That's… a good point." Good.

Here we are. Main street, east. The lit evening lamps are a welcome change. Clouds seem to be rolling in around the moon, and many sparkling stars are shining down from the black abyss above.

"You know…" The boy speaks back to me. "I thought ya were kinda weird at first… but I think yer alright."

I'm very glad.

...Checking behind myself, I see the glimmer of red in the alley behind us. We're being followed, apparently.

Guards glance at us in particular, but don't act. We're not very close to them, so it makes sense.

Once again, we meet the dark alleys. After marching down some ways, I seem to have my weapon in order again. I've still got one or two nails in my pocket, and one is now in the hacky rifle. Should be ready to fire if we get into any scraps.

In all actuality, we're probably going to be attacked by a hobo, and I'm gonna send the guy across time and space with this thing. What I'm really hoping for, is for that spider girl to jump us. That'd be exciting. Mostly because I can just shoot her, or prod her with the fun end of this thing.

"Do you… hate me?" Oh. I haven't been talking to the boy while we've been moving through these south-east alleys.

"N-... no." I was considering between 'nah' and 'no', and the former was too painful. "I think you're… cool." Ow.

We pass a T-shaped intersection. There are many like it, but this one is ours, for the next five seconds as we pass-

One glance to the right, down the open path, reveals blood. Three corpses, one of a robed gentleman, and two stocky men. The blood smears a left wall, and the bodies lie crumpled on the floor. One was a priestly guard, but the other two… are just some bums, I guess.

I don't get a good glance as we pass the scene. Mage boy doesn't even look in that direction.

"Yeah…" Not sure what the boy even replied to. Was it a late reply to my last sentence? Or was he experiencing schizophrenia? The world may never know. "Thanks, fer the house, and everything…"

I'd… huh? Oh, right. Leading him to a house. I thought he just got really self-aware for a second there. "No-... problem." Considered 'nya' versus 'no'. The victor was pretty obvious, but it still took a moment.

We're almost out of these alleys. Pizza place should be a walk up the road from here.

All we have to do is exit through this cluttered, thin way. We could take the main road to the right, but really, it doesn't matter.

The thin building to our right is particularly tall, and so is the left one, making this alley feel oddly modern, albeit the walls are still wood crap, and most of the trash is bricks, foodstuffs or wood. I was surprised to learn we have a janitorial unit-

When we enter the alley, we see two men. "Yea~h. Couldn't believe it."

"So I quit." The guy on the left held a hand out, to gesture. "What a crock. Still managed ta make out with this…" He seems to be one of those monotone men from the other day. From his side, he lowers a musket he held up in his other arm. "This one's a beauty."

The mage boy is quiet in apprehension as we step into the cluttered alley. To the right is three- four doors into the small storefront to our right, and only one door to the left exists near the men. There's some dumb wood pail next to where I am.

Holding my weapon by the rubber stock and grip, I ready it as we enter the alley properly. I'm going to stay near the pail…

Our presence is noticed. "...What the hell?" One of the guys gave us a tired, sideways glare.

The other guy instantly sprang from the wall, and brought his own musket into a ready position. "Hey- who the hell're yo~u?" ...Past him, there was a third guy, on the floor with a bottle in his hands. We don't talk about him.

"...Debt… collectors!" I had to say something.

The boy glanced over at me in horror, before thrusting his staff up. "I- I wo- won't let you-...!"

Ah. Wha~t.

Two guards round the corner, and begin to make their way to the men.

The rightmost, blonde man taps on the right generic stocky-man's shoulder. "What's going on here? We heard yelling…"

...Both men give sideways stares at the guards behind them, before relaxing their postures. What the hell.

Alright, fuck it. Down the hatches.

The musket-clad man begins to turn it towards the guards like an idiot-

Now.

BOOM!

"Hh-..." I hit the man on the right, the unarmed one-

Cla- clank, thud.

Both the man and the guard fell dead, one falling onto the other as they slid back down the alley. My bullet pierced both of them.

The musket man whips his head around frantically-

"Lumen!" The boy next to me casts a spell-

Eyes wide, the long, black-haired guard drew a short sword from around his hip and began assaulting the man instantly.

Fwoosh! As an orb of holy energy flew from the boy next to me, the guard ahead stabbed into the man's stomach. "Hurh-"

Fwam! The orb exploded, knocking the middle-aged man forward-

Thud. The guard coasted the already falling gunman to the floor with his blade, before-

Shi- shink, shink…! -finishing him off, thrusting his blade up and down in the man's torso. "So- son… son of a bitch!"

This went well. I'm actually rather satisfied-

"Look out!" The dumb boy whips around us, and I hear something strange too-

A haggard man, with a tuft of black hair poking from a dark-colored, round-face mask, came around the corner, slapping his legs against the ground with destructive imprecision and posture-

He came for me, flailing a broken knife unevenly in the back of a clenched fist-

I jabbed my rifle forward as the man threw himself my way-

ZAP- ZAP- ZAPZAP-

FWOO~M! That's an inferno…!

The body of the masked man jitters and convulses in place, and I catch a glint of red beneath the earth green metal-

"Aaa~h!" The boy yells like a useless prat.

In more important news, my weapon is on fire. It was smouldering before, but-

Thunk! I hit it against the wall, and some of it gets onto the house beside me. Oops.

...The man before me finished convulsing, and pivoted around. What.

Slapping his arms and legs against the ground, he limped away, and I could see a massive hole where his stomach should be, and a dark slit along the back of his neck that burned with purple-white energy. The hole wasn't visible from his front...

...Okay. Okay- I've got to put this weapon out…!

Pulling the water scissors from the smouldering train wreck, I start to swing them about wildly as I hold the thing with just my gloved hand, because fuck. I need to let this thing simmer out back for awhile, or something. Shove it in a trash can and forget about it until it cools off.

The guard is now near us, and somehow out of breath. "What's going on!?"

"I- I dohnno~...!?" Oh my god, this kid. That voice crack. Aaa~h…

Okay, I'm back. "Village CFO." I draw my ID. "In case you didn't know." Let's be honest, apparently no one does.

...He blinked at the ID, before giving me a brisk nod. "O- oh. It's been an honor…!" There we go. That's a lot better than getting accused and having to poke him too.

Okay, fuck it. I drop the gun on the ground and start swinging my scissors at it-

Oh, shit. The house next to us is an inferno…! Nevermind-

"Let's go!" The long-haired guy beckons us and starts running, and the boy scuttles after him predictably. Crouching down, I lift my smouldering bullshit, before crouch-jogging up to the musket, and confiscating it for safekeeping in my off-hand.

/ / / / RETURN TO PIZZA PLANET / / / /

Okay…

So. We're at the side of the pizza place.

"O- oh… gods…" Lumen-casting boy is hyperventilating, holding onto his staff…

We've also got a mook friend. The long-haired guardsman stops near the place with us, as we finish getting the hell out of there. "Jee~z!" He's understandably frustrated by what happened. "...Ho- holy shit."

"Ha~h…" I'm not too tuckered out, but with tiny stature comes the need to sprint harder. I felt like I was going way faster, but I was actually covering about equal distance with more motions but less effort. My balance was way better than average, however, so I suppose I'm better at running away really quickly… even if it was ultimately all negated out otherwise.

"...I guess the cap'n was right." Standing up tall again, the no-name in crappy metal plates- which don't fully cover him, or even cover him well-... he looked over at us. "This shit's… intense!"

Yeah, don't worry. It's like that all the time. "Haha- yeah…" I give him a lame response, because whatever. He's been ultra-duped, killed a technically innocent man, and aided me in escorting a boy to the sex shop.

"Are-... are we there yet?" The brown-haired boy sounds tired. I'll get to him eventually.

But, for now, I meet the guard's gaze. "...What's your name?"

"Yaichiro Sako." He gives me a nod, and a generic salute.

Hmm. I'm too lazy to promise to promote him or something, because I'm not remembering that name. I also don't want to toss cash at him on principle.

...Although, I could have fun with the latter. I draw about ten thousand yen in bills, and just chuck it at him. "Go buy a nicer hat."

"A- ah…!" He tenses up at the money, before holding his arms out to catch it. "Tha- thank you…! Thanks…!"

...Looking over at the boy wonder, I see him give me a big smile.

While the guard collects the money, I walk ahead, silently beckoning the boy along.

/ / / / WINDOWS TASK MANAGER / / / /

A line break just to move around the edge of the pizza place. That's about as wasteful as all that money I spent just to make that douchey joke. He didn't even have a hat to make nicer, so he's just going to be getting a hat.

Anyway. We're here.

"Thanks, for…" I've told the boy as much, too. Not sure what else he has to complain about. "Helping me out so much… I'm sorry, that I ever doubted you." Oh, he's just praising me, for some reason. Thought he'd gotten wise.

"...I'm just happy to help." Can this end, now? This is literally what I stopped when I started this evening.

...After we've waited for long enough-

Crea~k. A cellar door, around the back of the red and white painted pizza parlor, opens up. I hadn't noticed it at all until it opened, even. It's pretty ugly and big, too, and not painted like the building. Strange.

...The leery woman from before came out, her toothy grin wide and jagged, and her blush heavy. "Oo~h…"

Floating up out of the cellar door, she drifts up to us, her pale fingers meeting together before herself as she joined her hands. "You work fast."

"I was bored." It turned out to be alright, however. This escapade, I mean. Seeing your ugly face has ruined it.

...This woman also had long and black hair, but unlike the guard's from earlier, it was far longer, and also not greasy or unkempt. "You've brought such a wonderful boy here…"

"A- aah…" For some reason, the boy just walks towards her. "Who- who… are you?"

"I'm your mother, of course." She smiles down at him, her almost metal teeth shining in the evening light as she bares them. "And I'm very proud of you…"

"Yo- you're…" Holding up his staff, he points it at her. "You're not…"

"Mmm?" She begins to slide a hand to her thigh, and brings her other hand up along her poofy chest. "I'm not what?"

...After shutting his eyes- his legs seemingly growing weak- he points that staff at her again. "You're not… mother. Lu- lumen…!"

Nothing happens as he points it at her, and he snaps his eyes open. "Wha- wh… lumen! Lum-"

She drifted forward, and embraced the boy, his face ending up between her legs.

"I'm your mother, now…" Her face was nearly beet-red, her eyes aglow with predatory, eager glee, like she'd made a breakthrough on a math problem.

"Ye-... yeah." He agrees with her.

With that-

"Hu~p…" She hoists the brown-haired boy into her arms, bridal style, and begins to move for the cellar door. Pausing, she turns back to me.

"Come in." She beckons for me to follow.

That's a rather neat trick, the whole mind-control seeming thing. Do I dare to tread?

...Well, tonight's been a combination of shitty and fun things, so why the hell not. Let's step ten feet deeper into this shithole.

Also, I haven't been paid yet, so I'm going to follow her with my smouldering electro-stick of thunder death until she gives me my money, or something. My arms are kind of full, but I did get some shit into my backpack, so now I've just got… this gun, that would probably explode if I put it in my backpack, so I don't.

I follow behind her, as we step down the crappy, sort of crackling stone steps. She's so tall she has to crouch in her own cellar access way. Yet, I am small. I know not of such inconveniences.

Eventually, we come to a lit level below the main floor of the shop.

And, you know, it's a nice, wide, casual room. The lighting's dim, orange and sort of tired from the many candle stations placed here or there, and the tiny, shitty metal chandelier things.

Lots of cushioned couches, and pillows. Pillows everywhere- the throw-pillow kind, just… yeah. There's a lot.

A myriad of women are down here, and… a lot of young, specifically male faces.

I can't even begin to describe what's going on. It's a rape dungeon- yeah. The people higher up tell me not to get explicit, so I won't. That's just what it is.

Although, considering the positions some of them are in, I can't call it involuntary. At the same time, lots of young faces. All young faces. It's a pedophile paradise.

"Welcome…" The shark-faced freak gestures to the rape foyer for me. "To Comet Pizza~."

Then-

tsst. I hear a low sizzling.

The woman's grin widens, and she brings her hand up to the boy she's holding with one arm. Her other hand is on this abstract pendant of his, and her flesh was lightly burning from the touch.

"What's this…?" Taking the pendant, she licks her lips. "Shitty toy."

Snap! She snaps it from his neck with one motion, and tosses it away, the item clattering to the floor near me. I suppose I'll just…

"I thought I was getting paid." That pendant has mysteriously vanished. Let's blame the fluffles. I definitely didn't just thief it. Come to think of it, fluffles would be a retarded but amusing thing to see down here. Though I may hate them, they would be a total tone clash.

...Instead of responding, the big woman approaches the closest of many beds among this underground foyer.

Pomf. She tossed the boy back onto it, and he splayed out. "Mo-... mother…"

She began to disrobe, removing her yukata. "He~re. You can keep anything in this…"

Fwoof. She tosses the yukata at me, and it lands over me. Ugh. It smells like sweat and curves.

Cre- creak! "Come to mo~ther…" Well, it's been fun, but I don't like boys.

Pivoting around, I take my shit and start to fuck off.

Before I can, I have to stop before the stairs. That spider girl who was stalking us glided down in a standing position, before sliding in past me, ignoring me entirely as she drifted off into the foyer of sex, numbness and pillows.

/ / / / MOMMY DEAREST / / / /

I just killed three people, indirectly led to the death of one, doomed two others to slavery, saw Brad being retarded in a nazi outfit, got a nazi outfit, burnt down a slum and a place, potentially killing or forsaking more people, and zapped a zombie mask fuck. I spent twelve thousand yen in the process, and my gun nearly blew me up.

And all I got for it was this stupid yukata.

...Memes aside, I do have a nazi outfit now. And this stupid yukata. Also, that dumb holy pendant.

I'll sort out all this bullshit later. Like, in my end-chapter summary. Nudge, wink, shove-down-flight-of-stairs. It's probably bullshit, anyway. All I care about is this nazi officer outfit. I don't really care about the 'nazi' part, but it both looks cool, and it'll freak out anyone who actually recognizes it. Shocking and edgy and stuff. I'm more impressed by the fact it exists here.

"Gho~ i~n…" The helmet-headed undead gives me a cheesy gesture to the door. Thank you, dead-from-the-neck-up.

Stepping into Small Packages-

"Yeaa~h!" There's cheering, merriment and comradery going on. Why is there cheering, merriment and comradery going on?

Panning my gaze around, I see that all of our patrons are lolis-

Bam! A nearby table is tipped over by something big and grey, before the whole thing is snapped back into position by the scantily-clad. "Aw- ya shit head…"

"Don't talk about her like that, slut!" Lolis are arguing.

"Aah, fuck…"

Okay, not quite all of our patrons are lolis right now, but most of them are. What's going on.

Making a beeline past the museum of rowdy and somewhat drunk demon lolis, I come up to the counter and huddle behind it. The actual stools are crowded with little girls clad in black, some in dresses, others in brown, black or other armor, some with horns or other non-descript demonic features…

Cli- ci-li- clink! The platinum-haired, blonde and pink- among other shades- of loli toasted their varied glasses to one another, for those who brought glasses. The others just used some of the bottles of ours, and drank straight from them.

"Didn' think this place'd be so alive, this evening…!" Some distinctly british voice is heard slightly above some of the chaos-

"Someone took my boot! Hey- hey!"

"I need more beer!"

"St- stop- I- oo~h…!"

I'm not sure if they're better or worse than the guys. The guys are actually quiet enough nine times out of ten, by comparison.

...Back here, Vanilla is crouching next to a pile of coins, gemstones and dubious boxes. I'm not sure why she's hiding, but that looks like an alright sum of cash…

Some blonde loli chick is sitting on the counter, in a state of undress, to put it PG-13. Her hair is long, and she's gazing down at Vanilla with her red eyes, kicking her feet as she sits facing our end. "...Ooh? Who~'s this, Vanilla-chan?"

She's only in a black cape. Wait, blonde hair, black cape…

Even so, her hair is more poofy than Vanilla's, if only vaguely. She's giving me a very carefree sort of gaze, her eyes calm in a way beyond her physical age. For all I know, these demon lolis could all be my grandmother.

...Vanilla's just looks up at her, taking her hands off her own head. Why'd she even assume that position. I need context. "Si- sister… she's just, um, the manager. Who, works here…" Vanilla is very shy. I'd be embarrassed if I was crouching with my hands over my head, too.

"Manage~r, huh?" The naked loli turns on the counter to leer down at me. "She's an adorable little thing…"

...Behold my nazi hat. It's poofy by comparison to my head.

"Woo~!" The rowdy ones in the bar's front cheer-

CLA- CLA- CLACK! ...It's really loud, but that was just their table flipping around, before righting itself on the ceiling, upside down.

Seiga doesn't seem to be around anywhere. Guess she left earlier.

"Hey, girl…" Not-vanilla calls out to me. Or, her fluffy sister, rather. "You used to be a boy, didn't yo~u?" Wait what the fuck. "Those kitty parts are o~ff, too…"

...Vanilla gives me a ginger look, before adding onto that. "Yo- you know, I didn't notice, but… when were you a kitty?" I got this transformation a me-chapter ago. Don't tell me I was always this cute. In fact, you reacted boisterously to it too...

Her sister here seems to draw my gaze in the longer I stare at her, so I look away-

Oh. Here's Shikome. She's spackled with black goo, her messy hair still messy, and she's dragging two corpses by the ankles.

"Huhaha~!" The surrounding lolis take a glance at the visual and guffaw. Yay dead people.

She cuts directly through the mess in front of us, before rounding the counter and stopping near us. ...After giving a ginger stare to all of us, she moved to drag the old dead guy and dead guard upstairs. Actually- that's the guard I shot. Not sure where the old guy is from; maybe the one in the other alley.

Thu- thu- thunk- thud. The plywood ramp rattles and crackles as she drags the dead upstairs.

...Vanilla's sister watches her go, and her wry eyes shift a little in curiosity. "Now that's a lady. She work here?"

No. Yes. Except, maybe.

"We- well… she lives here." Vanilla stands up, and provides her the information. "She's nice, kind of."

"...Nice, kind of." Lamenting on this, her sister continued to look both wise and tired. "I'm 'nice, kind of', so that's not a lo~t to go off of…"

Vanilla just looks down, more idly than anything.

Ah. A new face steps inside…

It's some teen-looking boy, with an unassuming anime protagonist haircut. The outcome of this can be seen ten miles away.

...He stops a few steps inside, and jerks his head back, jaw dropping-

"Lookit!" But, it's too late. The lolis have spotted him. "It'sa boy!"

"What a flower…"

"Take his nectar…"

"I'm gonna drown 'em!"

"Oh- hell with it! Dogpi~le!"

"Big brothe~r!"

He pivots around, and begins to book it. "Oh- god-"

Pap- pahp- pahp- thud- thud- thud! He's tackled by the force of twenty lolis, thrown back and forth before their weight became imbalanced, and he collapsed into a pile of scantily-clad girls. "Hau- uuaa~...!"

"Ehehe~!"

"You bitches ruin everything."

"I got- I got his underwea~r!"

Thoom, thoom. Some girl's big zombie familiar lurched over to the scene, and simply looked imposing next to the impending orgy.

"I'll have you show me about Vanilla's new abode…" I take a step back, the sister woman girl thing now way too close for comfort. "Now that I think about it… who would you say is the primary caretaker here, Vanilla-chan?"

Vanilla faced her sister. By comparison, they had very similar base styles, but for some reason Vanilla herself seemed simple by comparison to her freak of nature of a sister. "U- um… I guess… Matt?" Oh god.

...The sister girl positively beams at me. "Matt. Matthew, or just Matt…? What an innocent name. Especially now, you having chose the fairer sex, and all..."

I'm the most innocent person here.

Stepping up to me, she seems to peer at the staircase ahead, before somehow almost unexpectedly looking me in the eyes. "Still… I have to thank you for preserving my dear sister, as she is. She's lived a very sheltered life, you know…"

That much was obvious. I should probably get away from her before she gets too buddy-buddy. "Sure."

As I back up, she grins, fluidly approaching me with her eternal grin again. "Su~re? Aww. Are you shy, boy? Don't be~. How about you show me her living quarters?"

"Sure." My sureness intensifies. Get away from me, you loli thing you.

"I- I mean- I can-" Vanilla starts to protest-

"Hush- hush- hush…" Her sister silences her, holding a finger to Vanilla's lips as the less imposing of the two tries to near us. "You have no excuse to be afraid. What are you even fearful of? Anyway…"

Ah- hrm. She accidentally displaces me with a playful push. "Get o~n with it."

"Aa- aah!" The boy in the background is drowning in estrogen. "Nghaa~!"

"O~, chin, chin!" What is this chanting in the background. "O~, chin, chin!" I'm not sure if that's-

"Oh, don't tell me you're getting randy too." Why. She just shoved me again. If she does that again, I'm going to let myself fall over, and then I'll sue her for personal damages.

"I'm Randy Savage." I inform her, as I make for the plywood stairway. I'm starting to get to the edge of my consciousness, so I really can't care about making a good impression on this bitchy vampire.

...Ignoring her complete silence at that retort, I start climbing the plywood. Oh, boy, here goes my balance instincts again…

And… a few more placements of my arms. This is both easier and harder than it used to me. Is my balance good? Yes- no wait no! ...Yes it is. This- woah.

The vampire decides to just carry me up the whole way on her own. "Hahaha! You're like a kitten! Here…"

...She places me on my feet at the top. I already hear creaking and vague complaining from the next room over, and the loli room looks like some kind of hell from outside the doorway even.

Alright, what the hell. "Aww. This is a cute hat…" She's slid my nazi officer cap off, and is looking it over. "Instant death wards? How paranoid…"

"Please…" Oh, hey. Vanilla comes out of fucking nowhere… or, more aptly, the 'stairway' behind us. "You don't have to… look into this."

...She- ow- presses the nazi cap back onto my hair, smushing my ears. "What are you hiding, dear sister?"

Ignoring their squibble-squabbling, I peer into the room ahead… the loli room, not the trap fuckmania room.

Ahead, I can see Shikome's done some redecorating since the last time I've bothered to look.

Celica is hanging from the wall, her limbs spread and embedded in wooden matter as she rests with a vain, tired gaze against the wall. Cysts of slowly pulsing purple matter are embedded in the wood at each limb's end. Tendrils of rigid wood seem to be messily extended from her prison, and the walls of the room have become awash with veins and root systems of purple and grey.

New corpses line the walls around her, less restrained and merely skewered into place, the more aged- now mostly skeletal- corpses half-buried in purple wood and decrepit, stretching ridges of wood. It was like the bark of a tree magnified, and each fold or crack cast a black shadow.

At the same time, Celica's prison was far more lavish than the corpses around her, so she'll probably be fine.

...I back out of the room, because something in there made my nose stuffy. Either the rot of many corpses, or whatever pestilence may've been incurred by the wood fibers everywhere. I need my nazi outfit on, to see what that 'dark' resistance will do.

"How quaint…" The sister idly nods at the rainforest room's lushness. "I take it that earthen one isn't there voluntarily."

Ignoring her, I move up to the next room, to the right… where probably everyone else resides.

Peeking inside-

"Nnh…!" Huh. There's that 'scout' mage girl individual from the other day, although she's not the one giving little grunts of pleasure.

Ema, the blonde loli, was under Shikome, who was seated atop her face, jittering-

"Wha- whah…" Oh, there's Rumia. I think this is the first time I've seen her actively getting molested beyond hugs.

In summary, Shikome has her tendrils out, and-

"Mmgh!" Oh, there's Raymond, that busty bomb vampire. Somehow, she has a new asset, and is currently 'interacting' with the two traps on the couch in the back.

...Vanilla's sister here is nonplussed. "Oo~h. What's this…? Oh!" Her grin widens considerably. "She's your lover!"

"Wha- well…!" Vanilla pouts over at her. "Wha- what're you gonna do about it…!?"

Her sister gave her an open smile. "...Why, I'll introduce myself to her, of course-"

That's when one of Shikome's tendrils passed by us. I narrowly stepped away from it, and it caught onto the sister girl's leg. "Oh! Haha- oh my~! How eager!"

Vanilla runs to mediate the situation, before a tendril catches her by the waist, and flips her upside down. "Wo- waah…"

I exit the room before it's too late for me. Turning around-

"Hnngh…!" What- fuck!

Casting my hat and backpack off near the bed, I feel myself leap at the sensation of something trying the door behind me-

Crawling off once I leapt onto my limbs-

Crea- creak! I hop into my bed with my stuff, and tremble. Ugh…

There's sex below, and sex above. Just sex. Send help.

/ / / / FREAKIN HAKUGYOKUROU / / / /

END OF CHAPTER 85.5

PROTAGONIST: Matthew, the Debatably Sane Outsider, Lord of Edges, Scissor-Slinging Slasher, Insurance Fraud Expert, Used Goods Reseller, Evil Spirit Cultivator, Shrine Maiden Evader, Professional Youkai Developer, Legitimate Business Man, Transfeline-Loli

=o=

SKILLS:

Gravity - Basic space magic. Slowly expands a dark, spherical field from above the target, which weighs them down when fully initialized. Only works on the feeble at the moment.

Saw Blade - Advanced non-elemental attack. Summons a saw blade to fall from directly above the caster, which whirls forth into infinity before dying. Very effective slicing on those not resistant to it.

=o=

PRIMARY WEAPON: Dash Scissors - Succubus training tool. Doubles as scissors for kinky, cloth-cutting occasions. Or stabbing. Sleek, black design.

SKILLS:

Succubatic Slide Dodge - Slide artificially in a horizontal direction of the wielder's choosing. Spammable, but makes the wielder tired with excessive use.

=o=

OFFHAND ITEMS: [A Single Rubber Glove] - For those moments one needs to touch a live power wire with one hand and fap with the other. Protects hand from zaps.

INVENTORY:

Pocket Mirror - For admiring my loli-ness, and other mirror-related activities. Contained in suit pockets.

[Bag of Holding] - Takes up no inventory space, because it is the inventory space. Has nine slots, and is easily accessible.

Steel Scissors - Sharp, shiny, and to the point!

Quick Scissorang - Non-elemental scissors that are enchanted to return to the owner with ferocity. Not that powerful of a weapon, but combined with strong string it can be used like a powerful grappling hook. Looks like it belongs in a Barbie catalog.

Shadow Hell Scissors - Red scissors accented with elemental gems. Fire elemental weapon. Ignites with every swing. Boosts power of fire spells.

SKILLS:

Fire Aura - Confers forty percent fire resistance when equipped.

Fire - Small, homing fireball of doom. May ignite foes. Doesn't do much damage.

Fira - Sizable fireball with less effective homing and speed, but greater ignite chance and initial fire damage.

Dark Fire - Basic dark and fire combo spell. Very slow, tight homing black fireball. Does both dark and fire damage. May ignite foes.

Dark Fira - Moderate dark and fire combo spell. Even slower black fireball, with even weirder homing. May ignite foes. May reduce target's magic defense.

Hellfire - Low-tier vampiric fire spell; less effective when used by me. Vertical wall of three fireballs, with no homing. May ignite foes.

=o=

Blessed Steel Scissors - Stained lightly with dried blood from a young human female. Sharp, shiny-ish, and to the point! Also blessed...

Steel-alloy String - An experimental item provided by Alice as part of her testing. She uses these herself to manage her dolls, or so I'm told.

A Tuft of Cloth Strings - Pink, regular cotton string. It's soft, and clean.

Danger Scissors Plus - Let's get dangerous. Randomly spawns anything from anywhere at any time at all, dependent on the power of the party or people around it while it is equipped.

(one more space remaining)

[Backpack] - Allows extended inventory, of twenty slots. Can hold larger items, but it takes longer to pull them out. Items inside are safer. It's also baby barf green.

Hedge Cutters - Rusty lawn pruning tool used by farmers to keep the vile hedges at bay. They're also sharp, so they've probably been used more than once in self-defense.

Teal Stone - Cool and refreshing to hold, exuding power of the wind. It's sort of shiny, too. Perhaps usable as a reagent.

Hackjob Rifle - A pseudo-railgun, made from an AK-47 barrel and a mangled toy gun. Laced with duct tape and wires to function, powered by electrical scissors, and uses small iron pellets as ammunition. Explodes violently if fed anything non-iron as ammo. Outside is coated with vegetable oil and must be wetted regularly to avoid violence upon powering up. Quite powerful.

Water Scissors - Scissors that continuously produce water. How troublesome.

Goldfish Snack Crackers - They're smiling. They might make a good snack...

Modern-ish Surge Protector - Protects against surges. Not very useful without unified electrical practices in housing. Can still be used as a paperweight and a brick, though.

[Rubber Pouch] - Stores electrical objects safely. Too small to add extra inventory, but doesn't take up any space when it's filled. Currently holding electric scissors.

Electrical Scissors - Must be held by gloves at all times, lest they cause electrical fires. Can cause severe shocking and electricity-induced stunning in individuals susceptible, including myself if I'm stupid. Unable to be turned off.

Holy Pot - A torso-sized holy pot used as a vehicle by flufflekind. Has holy properties and resistances for obvious reasons.

Financial Officer's Card - A card handed to me by the chief financial officer of the human village. Bears a complex triangular insignia and shines depending on the angle you hold it. Has some Japanese printed on it.

Love Dart - Some dart with strong aphrodisiac mixed into the tip, which pierced me.

Red Organ Cooler - Secure cooler capable of storing ice for great periods of time, as well as organs. Small, but big enough to get a single job done easily.

Officer Hat - Nazi officer hat. Has a skull ornament on the top.

STATS:

Fifty percent darkness resistant.

Wearer is immune to instant death.

=o=

Officer's Coat - Nazi officer coat. Comes with pants and boots, too. Has the red armband, too. Not much as far as meaningful medals to make it look pretty, which is appropriate, I suppose.

STATS:

Fifty percent darkness resistant.

Wearer is immune to being cursed.

Slightly boosts defense and magic defense.

=o=

Child Eater's Yukata - Navy blue yukata, with warm cloth. Smells of sweat and curves. Really big on me.

STATS:

Fifty percent moon resistant.

Wearer is silencing immune.

Negative fifty percent wind resistance.

Boosts the power of Pizza used by the wearer. Slices of pizza now heal health and mana when distributed and used.

=o=

Mother's Pendant - The pendant of that one child, who was abducted. Brimming with holy energy. Maybe useful as a reagent.

STATS:

Fifty percent increased chance to encounter and attract mature women.

=o=

Sigh of the Moon - Unremarkable looking moon-elemental ring, which glows with ominous energy and expands when equipped. Seems to be some kind of strange technology. Found in the yukata that slut gave me.

STATS:

One hundred percent moon resistance.

Silencing immunity.

Increases defense moderately.

(three more spaces remaining)

==o==

PARTY:

Shikome, the Black Scion of the Saigyou, Loli Slayer

WEAPON: Dark Tendrils - Able to create tendrils from any part of her body, she can use them for powerful dark/physical attacks.

SKILLS:

You know, I really don't know. Tendrils, thrusting attacks.

INVENTORY:

[Defiled Kimono] - Coated in the coagulated blood of numerous unlucky people. Grants pockets.

(two inventory spaces remaining)

==o==

Rumia, Youkai of the Dusk

WEAPON: Unarmed.

SKILLS:

Spell Cards - Rumia has a variety of spell cards, like most named touhous.

Dark Biosphere: Sealed - Coats the user in a dark orb, blinding them. Works best when it's already dark out.

Darkness Affinity - Rumia is naturally one hundred percent darkness and cursing resistant. In turn, she's fifty percent weak to holy and weakening.

INVENTORY:

[Rumia's Outfit] - Some kind of outfit. I'm not sure how Rumia maintains it. Properties unknown. Grants pockets.

Red Ribbon - It's a ribbon in her hair. It's small, too. Takes up no inventory space. Properties unknown.

(two inventory spaces remaining)

==o==

Vanilla, the Loli Vampire

WEAPON: Unarmed.

SKILLS:

Hypnosis - She can hypnotise people, apparently.

INVENTORY:

[Cloak] - A dull black cloak. No inventory space, but takes up none when worn.

(no inventory space)

==o==

Isami, the Twin-Tailed Demon Trap

WEAPON: Unarmed?

INVENTORY:

School Girl Clothing - Fetish outfit, probably.

Things - Good question.

(one space remaining)

==o==

Thalli, the Long-Haired Demon Trap

WEAPON: Unarmed?

INVENTORY:

Pink and White Dress - It's a rather feminine dress.

Things - I don't know.

(two spaces remaining)

==o==

Celica, the Three Hundred Year Old Ice Vampire

WEAPON: Magic.

SKILLS:

Creaking Freeze - Revolving snowflake which is formed in a target's body. Freezes them instantly, with high accuracy.

Absolute Zero - Massive ice magic, with low power but really substantial freezing capabilities. Not very strong, apparently.

Glacier - Strong ice attack, where she erects an ice blade from somewhere, or herself. Mundane.

Bloody Diamond Claws - When pressured, goes ballistic with hyperspeed slashes of pure white claws of frost, rending into her target. Powerful ice attack that hits many times.

INVENTORY:

Probably literally nothing, at this point.

==o==

Raymond, the One Hundred Eleven Year Old Bomb Vampire

WEAPON: Random guns, magic.

SKILLS:

Bolt Action - Summons a bolt action rifle to blow someone away. Each shot is saturated with bomb magic, yet are still mostly attacks, because elemental or not, bullets are bullets.

Firing Line - She creates a half-circle of bolt action rifles in the air around a target. Same as above, but more bullets.

Self Destruct - What it says on the tin. Doesn't hurt herself, however.

Artillery Battery - I don't think I'll be seeing this skill, at this rate.

==o==

ACTUAL AUTHOR'S NOTE:

hi

holy shit the batch is finally done

now i just have to proofread everything…!

but anyway- this was a fun chapter, yo

got to follow some good plot bunnies and idea bunnies and fun things and got a lot of neat stuff done, more for setting's sake (both environmental and the story!). matt gettin' the KILL ON, showin' you he ain't all soft just 'cause he's runnin' a SHADY BUSINESS or part 'a the BANANA GOVERNMENT

also got some really neat action bits- feel like my work in sendai really pays off with inserting more sporadic and sparing action scenes, when i've tasked myself to like cram that fic with as much meaningful action as possible while also being entirely action

also this had a lot of sex didn't it

non-specific sex that was kept vague and only implicit mostly because hahaha ratings we're all a big dumb family here but also 'cause yeah - w - if it were more specific this'd be like twice the size

maybe not that bad but oof

but anyway enough about imprecise super dumb and marginally superficial systems of censorship and regulation upon art

we've also got a bunch of equips because i just got the feeling to start speeding that kind of progression up - w - it was sort of bolstered by how much more meaningful progress brad makes when he's with like… a consistent party and not just fucking around like a complete lunatic

in which he still doesn't make much but he actually keeps his mind on one idea because the other characters aren't as lucid and all over the universe mentally as he is; they keep 'em GROUNDED

that's kinda sorta translated to the matt chapters but matt probably got more consistent earlier in starting his good business; he's definitely distanced from brad in how he prefers his exploration and how he was initially allowed to explore

now that i think about that though that's thematically appropriate too…! ho ho

we've had a lot of matt this batch, i think i explain the logic every time it happens but i'll do it again anyway: matts are every three brads, each batch is five, if you do the math some batches have the three-brad interval perfectly line up to get book-ended by matt chapters. this just doesn't always happen with other batches 'cause it'll be like… three brads, the next matt, then one more brad to make it five; that'll be the set after this one

oh yeah finally brought back raymond and celica, as matt slowly builds his army of killer lolis and traps

oh boy oh boy dude

wasn't sure how i was gonna do vanilla's SISTER but this turned out alright

a more dramatic approach was desired but between the loli palooza field trip and all the other incorporated elements that can wait if we wanna do anything like that we'll see yo you didn't hear it from me huhuhu

damn this is kinda long isn't it; still not as long as my revised first chapters so hoh

we don't need INDEXES PER CHAPTER YET SON

as always, see you all next time!

CO-AUTHOR'S NOTE:

BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD

SEX FOR THE SEX DUNGEON

this chapter was kinda long in comparison to the rest. but it had fun things.

very fun things.

unfortunately FG and drama don't blend very well together. doesn't make it any worse but just needs to have a few things tweaked to fit the tone of everything else

goodbye. good luck, have fun