(in which we play hexagon havoc)

...I've just been dozing in and out all morning. I feel like a lump.

My head's kinda just… spinning. Where am I…?

Somewhere soft. Oh, right… I fell asleep in Genkan's arms. We're still pressed into one another.

"Mrm…" Ha-chan's now just on us.

I'm so stuck right now. I feel sensitive… and- not in the obvious way. I just feel overwhelmed… and, waking up like that feels good.

I'm trapped as fuck. Again…

...Seriously- I like, can just wiggle my arms, and even my head's pretty much trapped. Between Ha-chan's head, wherever it freakin' is, and Genkan's… chest plain. I have no idea what you call this soft sexy space above the breasts. I just wanna burrow my face in and sleep again, even if that's what I've been doing all night, apparently.

So smooth. My legs feel like rocks. I'm out of energy, too… even though I just woke up! S'one of those kinds of mornings…

So…

"Nn- nh." I just shift a little. Maybe I'll… sleep just a little longer… and give up...

"He~y." Wh-... hey. Someone's pokin' me.

No. I just want to give up…

"He~y..." Two pokes to my side…! Maria's pokin' me wit' her staff, it feels like! "It's noon, you lumps."

...I still don't move. I am death. It- it's hard to convey this understood feeling in words, but being just about buried in soft women has put me into a coma. And- it's not being horny, that's obvious. A pleasant sinking-

"Is it, really…?" Wha- what. Genkan's awake!?

She shifts a little, and- her hand meets my hair again. "Did you find out, what they have here…?"

"They've got these really nice waffles with syrup…" Maria sounds excited. "I- I actually got some, using... some of that leftover scattered yen. It was only like two thousand yen for everything…" Ah, that's good…

...I'm just, tucked into Genkan. I don't even know where my legs are.

"Brad." Genkan knows I'm awake. "...There's breakfast."

"Maau~..." Aw. Ha-chan's awake, too.

"Wha- what do you eat, Hana…" Genkan got to sample her morning breath!

"...Food." Ha-chan's cuddly dude. Ah- oof! She's de-scrambling my bones…! As in- getting off of me an' beatin' me up in the process! "Waffles!?" Freakin'- delayed reaction…!

...Lookin' down at me again, Genkan tilts my head back. "I don't think I'm this desirable. Come on, now."

"...Oof." Instead of a serious reply, I give her an 'oof', dude. "I wanna sleep…"

"Nope." Wha- she denied my feelings, dude. "You want breakfast."

...I mean, she's not wrong. And- ooh shit, those are fluffy waffles, now that I look at 'em.

Even so, I'm still kinda… stuck here! Wow…

"Oh- you're stuck…" Lookin' briefly whimsical, Genkan starts to rise a bit…! "Um."

So- I get my arms out, but… ah. "Dude- the legs…!" I couldn't feel it between the blanket and our clothes, but we're just tangled…

My hands end up idly on her clothed sides. Uh- um-

"How." Oo- ooo! She starts to clumsily move 'er legs, and I do too…!

Ohp- ah, ah. I'm free! And- I've almost fell off the bed…

"There we go." She's free, dude.

Cover the legs, with blanket stuff! Arousal concealed. Freakin'- my chest is still exposed, but that doesn't matter. I'm weirdly warm, so this cool air is refreshing…! Also, nippy.

Maria had a big plate, and has it sat down on the other bed. "I put the waffles here…" Yes, dude! Aw- she's got orange juice too, dude!

Sighting me, Ha-chan- dear god why…! She just- sat down on my lap, and it was super uncomfortable…! After adjusting, I- freakin'...

"Your lap's lumpy." Ha-chan, you freakin'...!

"I'm sure." Genkan- no…! Aaa~h!

"Stop being perverts and get over here." Maria manhandles us…!

Thankfully, the girls follow through. Well- as nice as being teased more would be, the respite's good too 'cause I am a weird boy.

"...I'll bring your food to you." Genkan informs me! Freakin'- how's she know I don't wanna get up right now!? ...I say this, but I know exactly how she knows.

Except, we only have one big plate! With 'er telekinsis, she just hovers it and a glass of orange juice over to me. The waffles are placed next to me…

It's buttered, dude. I take the fluffy waffle, and the juice. "Thanks…!"

Om. Mmm. Warm, and good. S'this maple flavored, even without the syrup? Yo~...

How hungry was I? Aw, lemme drink this orange juice!

...Yes. Dude, orange juice increases your max health. After drinking twenty glasses, you can take a punch from Suika!

At least, that's what it feels like. Oh- maybe peach juice in Gensokyo actually does that. Fu~ck, I was a loon for not stealing an entire peach tree…! That's it- we need another stop to heaven at some point!

Ha-chan too, has downed her entire glass! "Mmm…"

"You'll have nothing to wash the food down with." Genkan speaks down to us both, dude. "Save a little."

Aw. Little does she know, dude. I still have a hanger that leaks!

Man, I'm still a little groggy. Balance, come back to me…

...It was a good waffle. Maybe even the best waffle, dude.

"Ha~h…" Maria yawns again, dude. "...Um. Now that the clone stuff is done… I got no idea what we should be doing."

"...If Yakumo is truly behind this corruption, I'm… sort of put aback." Moving towards the back window, Genkan gazes out into the rain. Wait- the rain…!? "At this rate, I don't feel confident we could make any real change."

Oof. Hmm… "What if we went dream-selves insane, dude. What if we like- got nine hundred sticks of TNT, and tossed 'em at the town council…!?"

"That's too many…" Genkan opposes not the idea, but the impossible quantity! "And, I think that'd just make a lot of people hate us. We're not really… built for fighting, or anything."

This is true. I don't think I'd be super invested in having a long war, but if there was some kinda big mean dude we could take down to immediately make things better, I'd be all ears. Unfortunately, shit likes to not work like that…!

"While I wanna fix stuff, I think we're just gonna have to… wait it out." Maria imparts knowledge from an untold fluffy college, dude. "Like-... what're we gonna do? We don't even know who to yell at."

"Why would we yell at someone?" We've just totally left Ha-chan behind at this point!

"Why not, dude, why not." I give a brief mention to her snuggliness. Regardless, I think we should get movin'! "... Let's explore, friends. Maybe we'll find some purpose in life…!"

Maria grins at that! "Yeah, sure. Honestly- it's all we can do."

"I suppose so." Genkan simply levitated all her food to eat them! "...Well. Lead the way, Brad. I don't think there's much else to see, here."

That's what you think, dude. I'm gonna find all the Duke Nukem secrets…! First- I gotta get my shirt back on… and take my 3DS as opposed to leaving it for the fluffles to discover!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

"...Ne'er-do-well."

Futo looked up at me, while I tried to like, become one with the crack in the wall that connected with the counter. "Thy hormonal perversion knows no bounds."

...I- I just kinda turn to her! "I'm- I'm not tryin'a fuck this wall, if that's what yer thinking…!"

She fluffs up! "Hmh! Thou'st doubtlessly performed similar with that snow woman's crack last night!"

Genkan double takes! "Pf- whah- excuse me…!?"

"Futo, really…"

Aw, hey! It's Toyota Honda no Miko! She's strollin' out from the back rooms…

Quick- into the wall, before she can object! "Dhu…" I make a dumb noise against the wall.

"Brad- get down from there." Maria waves her staff at me…! "You're scaring people."

"Dhu…!" I hit the wall with my palm harder!

"I don't get what's going on!" Ha-chan makes noise!

"Me either…" Genkan shakes her head…

"Dude- where is it!?" I start thrusting my arms against the wall! Freakin'-

Cra- crack. Um. Uh oh. My pushing has broken open a curiously tiny panel of walling, leading into a portal of blurry rainbow colors and stars.

...I look around nervously! "I broke the fabric of reality, dude…!"

"Wha- no…" Genkan stares into the portal! "How…!?"

"I found a secret!" I point into it! "...It scares me!"

Miko steps up towards us, past Futo, and just looks blank about it…! "I knew this spot would be iffy. It's sort of on the nose…"

"Bu- wh…" Futo looks mixed, and frustrated…! "Whom would climb the desk and harass it!? This- this is genuinely one upon a million odds!"

"He must've sensed it." Miko assumed! "...Despite our hiding, the wards and anti-mana materials must not've been good enough." She looks up at me! "So, tell me… how did you find it?"

...Dah. I uh, just hold up my arms, crouched on the desk! "I like… I got on the desk and began humping the wall. I was checking for secrets!"

"...But- you saw the mana signatures, right?" She still don't follow! "Or the phantasmal traces?"

I don't know what she's talkin' about, dude! "I don't freakin' know what that is! I climbed onto the desk, and wanted to check the wall for secrets!"

"...Check the wall… for secrets." Aw. She seeks reconfirmation. "You decided to… check the wall, for secrets."

"Yeah, dude." I give her a thumbs-up! And- man, this crouching position is fuckin' awkward…! "I mean- let's be real here…!"

I sit down, dude. "Cracked walls and floors are the number one sign for secrets."

"You saw a crack, and you just began thrusting against the wall." Miko's eyebrows are slowly raising…! "With… with zero prompting or apprehension. It- it just beckoned you."

"Yeah, yo!" There you go, dude! "Hey- for all I know, you coulda hid a really good ring in there."

"But-..." I've lost her, dude. "...No, no, that- that doesn't, that doesn't add up. Many homes in this village have cracks. In fact- one of us actually meticulated about this room's details to make it not look out of place. Why not any of the other cracks?"

...Oh, shit. Now that I think about it, she's right; there's two other cracks in this room! In fact, there's one next to the front door...

Getting off the counter, I run up to one, and- "Dhu…!" I hit it!

"What are-..." She just watches me check it!

Pap- pap- pap! I start slappin' it! "...This, might not be a secret."

"...Oh." She might be catching on, dude. "You… randomly, with no incitement, checked the one correct crack in the room. Some… how."

...After walkin' back up to the desk, I offer more justification! "I mean- it was the first crack I saw, 'cause it was right there!"

"It's not even hidden in a corner or anything." Miko's really having a discussion on secret-hiding ethic with me…! "Seriously! You just- walked in and found it. It was somewhere awkward, immediate, and not at all hidden. Weren't you ashamed- to climb on a desk during public hours, with friends, and just start thrusting into a wall?"

Aw. I raise her a finger! "Yes and no, dude. An' also, I checked it 'cause it was awkward! It'd actually be an okay spot for most people- 'cept Reimu pro'lly- but it was otherwise fun!" There's only so many places to hide a crack in space and time in a room, son.

...She nodded! "Well. Thank you again, I guess." Again?

"...Again?" Genkan raised a brow!

"You four were here yesterday." Miko states…!? "You came, begging for self-improvement and power." Oh, don't freakin' tell me… "I happened to be here at the time, so I loaned you knowledge, seeing your resolve and frustration. ...You don't look like you remember any of this."

"Yeah- uh…!" Shit! Our dream-selves screwed with something that had an immediate impact!

...I look at Ha-chan!

She nods!? "Oh- yeah! I was here before!" You freakin' fluffy fairy friend, dude…!

"Y'see, there was this thing about dream selves…" I start talkin' to her! "S'that still goin' on…!?"

Fwiosh! Miko's replaced by Byakuren…!? "Well- yes, in fact, that is still going on." Oh shit!

"Yo ho ho!" I greet the big lady! "What's goin' on, Byakuyaku- uh…" Byakuya. Bakugan!

"This situation…" Byakuren looks over at Futo, who looks like she's reelin' back to attack…! "It's unique, I've got to say."

"Begone." Futo really wants to snuggle her, dude. "Thou weren't given permission to come out…"

"Whoops." Offering back her trademark good smile, she looks over at us… "You all seem pretty calmed down, after yesterday."

"That was... most likely our dream selves." Genkan informed 'er. "I hope we did nothing uncouth."

"Tis about on par with thy current display of pandering, perverse dichotomy." Speak a language we understand, Futo! I've long since forgotten what the fuck a dick coma tommy was!

"Dick coma Tommy." I must echo this sentiment to the world.

Genkan looks at me like I died for one second, before snorting…! "I- I hope we were less uncouth."

"Perhaps." Lookin' peaceful, Byakuren moves back towards where Miko came from. "Do you remember yesterday here?"

"No." I give a resounding no. "Except for our fairy friend..."

"...I see." She gives one effortlessly gentle nod…! "Come with me." Oh shit, son. I've somehow constructed a weird miniature backstory for myself in one day. Little do I know, the very room we slept in had the three hundred sticks of TNT stashed under it…!

"Again- access in the back rooms is not permitted…!" Futo fluffs up as we all just ignore her and move to follow Byakuren...!

I look back at her. "Futo, dude- you are mega fluffy."

...She has been displaced, dude. "Thou said similar last time…" Oh shit!

While we progress into this weird freakin' living space, I grin over at Genkan an' Maria! "Dude- we could stop the moon from falling, with synchronization like this!"

"The moon's falling!?" Ha-chan, no! "No~!"

"Calm down…!" Maria starts to heckle her back!

Now at a standoff dude, Ha-chan seems to stop in her tracks, lookin' down at Maria. Then, she smiles dude. "...No~."

"In here." Byakuren beckons for us again, from the door in this weird not-a-kitchen room. "It's not far."

"Are we gonna destroy space and time?" I'm curious! "'Cause I think you can do that with nine hundred sticks of TNT…!"

"You're obtaining a peculiar obsession with bombs." Genkan knows what TNT is! "...Be mindful."

I grin at 'er! "...Dude- an ice elemental stick of dynamite."

"Perhaps it's not an awful interest." I've changed her mind, dude.

Anyway, we follow Byakuren into this freakin'... I dunno what this room is. It's literally just an empty room, except there's like hay on the floor, and uh…

There's one really beat up but tubby fluffle sitting across from us. It looks depresso, dude. Yet, it's like a dust muffin. I wanna nuzzle it.

"...This is Nanashi." Byakuren gestures to it…!? "And- perhaps we may visit Senkai, if Toyosatomimi trusts you not to disclose her trade secrets."

"i am night" The fluffle speaks without moving anything…! "i am a bat man" Oh.

"...The reason he's so beat up, is because of you three." Byakuren discloses our crimes!

...We just look back and forth between one another, unsure whether or not this was a good or bad thing!

"But, that's Nanashi's job." Nodding warmly, Byakuren turns back to the big fluff. "Heal."

Di~ng. With a wave of her hands, Byakuren makes green flash across the fluff stuff, and some of the wear and tear is undone. But it still looks foreboding…!

"What was that thing old me learned?" Was it the instant-costume and equip switching…!? Ooh- I bet it was the instant equip switching! That'd be some real quality of life shit. "...Is it healing magic!?"

Byakuren lets her head tilt a little. "A single cast of any healing spell would deplete most of your mana." I don't care! "And, no." Shit…!

Fwiosh! Suddenly, Tractor Trailer no Miko. "I suppose I'll be brief, and prompt. I'm going to show you how to… magically change clothes." Yo- I called it! She makes it sound a lot less bufftastic than it actually is…!

"It took us a combined effort of thirty minutes to get that shirt of his back on." Genkan discloses the chore of equipping this nazi suit!

...Giving us a smile, Miko steps forward. "It's also a helpful prerequisite to learning how to allocate your mana. As all of your equipment is kept in that bag, you are able to quite summarily reposition it. This would be impossible without such a spatial link- or, advanced spatial techniques, of which I'm positive none of you could master in good time." Ma~n, why is magic hard, dude. Although, I guess it'd make negative sense if it was piss easy.

At the same time, it's actually not that hard- I think- if you push aside the surface-level complexity and just get into it. An' I don't mean my hangers which just let me fill 'em with mana and hotkey spells!

"Why're you teaching us stuff?" Maria is immediately distrustful! "I-"

"Your resolve yesterday impressed me, even if you choose to ally with youkai." Whatever we did, it unlocked shit! Miko focuses on me again! "Particularly, how simply invigorated this man was to get something done in this village. I'd offered him the chance to lend a hand here, but, he was too busy, or so he said." Do these guys just like pissed off dudes.

"He was busy alright…" I give her the good nod. "Busy gettin' owned like a noob! Yo ho ho, dude!"

...Promptly ignoring my alien hype, she brings out her u~h… is that a sword? Miko's sword always looks more like a beatdown nail filer to me. My weapon of choice should've been license plates, dude.

"The first thing I want you to do… is equip one of your… plant hangers." She slowly turns to me… "I asked it yesterday, but I'll ask it again: why plant hangers."

The good question. It deserves… a good answer. "It's actually a deep, lore-driven and hard to explain backstory involving my past life as an expert world-class landscaper. It was a tale of tragedy, a tale of merit… and a tale of nuggets."

"...So, no reason." Miko is not at all convinced! She looks vaguely amused though. Oof… "Last time I asked, you were more straightforward about that."

...Sensing I was done dude, she holds up her sword. "Now. The first thing I'm doing, is channeling mana to my weapon. Later, if you want to change single articles, accessories or weapons, you will have to channel mana specifically to what you want changed." Makes enough sense!

"...Now." Adjusting her blade stance for no reason, postured facing 'Nanashi', she continues. "You must also now establish a mana link between the item you wish to switch, and the item being switched in. If you forge this link wrong, you will summon a weapon instead of your shirt- or something similar- and it will not only not be in your hands, but you will be topless." Oh shit!

"So, how do I, u~h…" Mana link: what is that, dude. What is, a luigi board. Can you burn a luigi board!?

"Let's practice moving your mana. Draw a weapon." Ho ho!

So I do! I draw Fairy Harp, 'cause it's freakin' weird, dude.

"I'll make my motions obvious, so you may visualize." She extends her sword outward. Then, a sorta purple glow envelops it, growing a little. A foggy, purple shaft begins to raise from the top of the blade, stretching into the air and through the ceiling…

I'll try to copy that! Filling the weapon with mana~...

I really can't describe what it's like to move mana. It used to be like I was playing pretend and shit just happened… but, now I can sorta like, actually feel something obviously and distinctly different. When I fill the weapon with magic, I know it's there. It's like I can't not know it's there. But, if I manage to disassociate myself from it… it's gone, dude.

It's a feeling similar to a vibration, or a buzz, like I was holding a freakin' vibrator.

Making it just go up like Miko made it is… somehow harder. 'Cause like… the energy has nothing to really grab onto! I have to visualize and screw with air and nothing. S'more like it's building offa' itself…

"Good." Miko approves! "...Now, to link it to the right item to switch it with; also the easiest part." Oh, boy… "It's what you'd expect. Draw the stream of mana from the weapon, to the weapon you wish to switch in. When it enters your bag, it will go to what you will." At least that's as easy as it could be!

...I think I've done it. Hooked the mana to the thing, that is! It's… weirdly coiled around my waist, to the brown bag 'a bullshit. I feel like it's reached what I wanted it to reach.

"Now, the hardest part…" Miko looks me in the eyes! "Spatial replacement." Oh, fuck. Space magic, dude.

...On the sidelines, Maria and Genkan seem to be looking between me and the tubby fluff.

"Space magic in general is… not at all easy or painless to execute, aside from prefabricated one-off spells."

Taking an oddly somber posture, Miko raises a hand, more as a gesture than anything else. "The work-around I learned for you, was simply exchanging the properties of the holding bag that are already there. Therefore, you don't truly need to learn much. You just need to learn to flash-produce the bag acception… field for a moment, in a general area. By nature, as it's bag-like it must produce internal object and accept external ones from an approximate field which then accepts the rest. So, you simply need to make an orb of the area."

...Oh. Uh. Okay.

"...How." I'm dead in the head, dude.

"Copying a pre-existing spatial condition is simple." Miko informs me, I think…

She steps closer to me! "If you do it differently, the spatial spread will take the shape of the weapon, which works too."

Her maybe-not-a-sword is held out, hovering just above my definitely-a-weapon plant hanger. "To do this, you'll need to work with the bag's current basic relocation magic. Temporary displacement… is as easy as including it in the link, and willing your mana to become… something which belongs to it, shall we say." She seems to pause now and again to find how to describe something probably way more complex to a freakin' noob.

"I've still got my bag of holding from the last time I showed this to you." Miko has a bag of holding of her own!? "Allow me to demonstrate."

Drifting slightly into the air, she holds her blade up higher. Her weapon begins to glow…

Fwi- click. With a sound similar to lockin' something, an' a flash 'a light, the sword is changed out for a freakin' gold scimitar.

...She smiles at me. "Did you see the white flash? That was me making the bag's mana obvious."

Reaching around her waist, she shows me this little box. "I suppose it's not a bag." From the one open face of it, the same white light from the quick change shines out… "Now, you try."

I try? Aw, dude. Yeah- I try dude, I try!

So. Uh…

I draw my mana to the hanger. I draw my mana~... into the bag. I'm switchin' it out with… hmm. That's a hard choice! Million Bucks, for the sake of it. So I visualize what I~ want, I make sure my mana's all coiled around into the right orifice…

Okay! So, copying the mana… of the bag. Whah.

Willing my mana… to become its mana. I'm not sure how that helps, but it sounds promising.

My eyes lower as I focus harder. My eyes almost… travel to the bag, on their own, and it's like I can see the bag's effective surfaces for accessing it.

Like with Miko, after I focus long enough, it begins to glow…

Aw, dude! What if I changed out my clothes and my weapon first thing!? I'd be an A-plus student, dude!

...Closing my eyes, I focus on everything on me! Aw, let's equip u~h… the Red Scare, my space suit and… I think I'll keep the nazi cap on, just 'cause it's the most neutral thing I got. I've got two freakin' helmets!

...Woah. Everything's glowing, dude! As- wh- woah…

So- so once I do that, the magic kinda sorta… writes, or begins to write, to my clothes and weapon. My sense of balance is just gone. Wh- where am I looking-

Fwi- click! Oh- shit! It initialized! My sense is back-

Ooh! I land on my feetsies! My, uh, bare ones…

Clunk. The space suit flops over before me.

I'm holding the officer hat in my hands, and Red Scare is super precariously balanced on my head!

...Genkan's somewhere between jaded and observant!

Maria looks over, having neared the big fluff. "...Oh."

"Ooo!" ...Ha-chan's coming this way!

"You need an actual equipment method if you want to change everything." Miko stares me down…! "Even your angrier self wasn't this impatient."

I hold my bare arms out! "Look- I'm sorry, yo! I thought it was simple!"

"...It is but isn't, and you shouldn't deviate during these simple instructions." Miko's scolding me, dude. "Now try again. Put everything away. This time, you will replace nothing with something; a process that actually is as simple as you may intuit."

Aw. Lemme just get this hanger off my head, and- oof!

"You're nakey!" Ha-chan…! Stop molesting me, friend…! I got glomped!

Miko snorts…! "Pl- please, fairy, let him focus."

Before Ha-chan can provoke me dude, I get 'er off… "I gotta focus dude. For the exam."

"Ooo." Her eyebrows raise! "The exam…"

Alright! So- let's freakin' get on with the switch shit. Nintendo Switch. Actually- it's two thousand fifteen, I shouldn't know that yet…

So! With everything away… I focus on putting a shirt on. I guess I just focus on the nothing around my chest, and link it with the bag. Let's try getting the space suit on again…

Focusin' on the magic shit of the bag again, I try to encase the air around my chest with mana, and make it the property of the bag civilization. Freakin'...

Fwi~... It's beginnin' to glow! I close my eyes, and freakin'-... there goes my balance again. Does this make me float a little?

Click!

...I land in my space man booties. Oh, right, the space suit is both a shirt and pants. But wait- I only defined a region for the shirt…!?

"Ah, right." Miko Hondo, help. Equipping and unequipping items is more of a shitfest than I thought! "Certain clothing items, once you've established a system, will replace other items if they overlap and cannot avoid overwriting. Fortunately you were naked, or else you would have erased your pants. A product of not magically categorizing clothing regions." Oh shit! Pants-erasing magic!

"...So how do I not erase my pants…!?" That's sort of important!

"...Do you know how to magically categorize-... well, probably not." Miko's expression becomes jaded at my rising brows…! "Hmhm. The last you ran off before I could properly encode it for him. Considering the logical parameters, it's something you'd learn better from observing a completed, simple template." She gets me, dude.

So she steps up ta me, and just lackadaisically holds her sword out like a wand.

"So, here." She makes some quick motions wit' 'er blade-

fwi- fwi- fwish! Woah…! My body just flashed different colors, fer a moment…

"...Despite how feeble your body and magic are, you at least are in possession of a more pragmatic soul." Freakin'- watch where you point that nail filer-

Fwi- fwi- fwish! I dunno what just flashed on me, but it was neat, dude.

"...This time, I've taken the care to write the regions so that you cannot delete or shred or meld clothing by overriding their spatial coordinates. It'd be pretty awkward." Gee- you think…?

So. Regions, huh. I guess that means I can just switch stuff around when I feel like it.

...I focus on 'Nanashi' the tubby fluff again! Aw.

Nanashi's now partially frozen, a frisky Maria aiming her staff at it casually.

I step up to it, because it's tubby. "You're a tub, dude."

"im warm and defeated" It relaxes, despite the damage!

fwoof. It abruptly, almost soundlessly flops onto its side, resting or something. It doesn't look very warm, 'cause it's half-frozen!

"im a loaf" What, help.

"I was able to give you three accessory slots, as well." Miko- what in the hell's an accessory slot. Do I look like I know what a JPEG is, dude…!? "...For articles of clothing you might not consider main ones. Like jewelry." I see…

Given no other choice, I wrap my arms around the fallen big loaf. "Don't worry, dude."

"hon honh honh" It makes loud nugget sounds…!

"What the heck are fluffles…" Maria's offput by the noises!

Well, anyway…

"Oh. Also…" Miko smiles at me! "I've left you a surprise, as well."

"Do I get your earmuffs." I want your earmuffs. They're muffy.

"Probably not." ...Whaddaya mean probably!? "There's a randomizer function, in case you're too lazy to actually focus on the magic and set your equipment." Oh fuck.

"How do I use it!?" I must randomize my gear right now.

"...You just focus similarly to changing, and start randomly allocating your mana. It can be bypassed simply by will, if you ever need to randomly flail your mana through yourself for whatever reason."

Let's do it dude! Random flailing!

Random patches on my body begin to glow…! Hoh, shit-

Ohp, bye balance. Fuck. I'm dizzy…

Fwi- click! Ooo~...

Once I regain control of myself… I've got on Reimu's shrine maiden outfit, the Kaguya wig, Reimu's ribbon, and am holding a NERF sword. Patchy's crescent is buried in my hair, and I've got the MP prize badge on, again.

"Dude…!" I raise the NERF sword! "I am a Toyosotototomimimi no Mike-o!"

...Miko's finally weirded out! "That's- whfu…" Literally winded her, dude. "Where did you get Reimu's clothes from."

"I stole them." I'm an honest man, son.

"What." She's worried…! "How?"

...I just kinda- I exhale, and wind up, dude. "First, we need to talk about parallel universes…"

...Miko's done, dude. She's clocked out!

Fwiosh! Byakuren changes in, for her! "...It's a little of an odd fit, but I must say it suits you." You freakin'...

"Speaking of parallel universes…" Ignoring me nodding at her inner lust, she moves for another door in the back of the room. "The other day, we offered the four of you a free-roam tour of the taoist home in Senkai. You were too busy."

...Idly, I turn to the nugget company.

Maria an' Genkan meet my gaze, and are also idle…!

"tour" The fluffle is back up! It scuttles with great strides towards Byakuren!

"No." Byakuren gives it a soft frown.

...The fluffle ragdolls. Oof, dude.

"If you've got the time to spare now, why not take a look?" Byakuren smiles again, dude. "Even as a taoist prefecture, the beauty and hospitality aren't to be ignored."

Fwiosh! Miko beams in! "...Wise words, if tinged with ire, Byakuren."

"Tinged with tires." I commentate! "Are we goin' through the crack in the world, dude…!?"

Miko turns to a plain door, and pushes it open.

Crea~k. Inside is a similar portal of doom and rainbow colors. "You could call it that."

She just walks into it, and-

fwioup! Dissamappeared, dude.

"...What's a Senkai?" I look back at the girls…!

"I- don't actually know." Genkan has no idea either!?

"I think it's some kinda… realm." Thanks, Maria!

Well, son. There's only one way to find out!

I march ahead, and dash into the portal!

Fwiou~p! Woaa~h…!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Fwaa~m. Ho hoa~h. Freakin'... super gate, dude.

We're in anotha' room. It's a roomy room, to be sure, but it's still a room.

"Wow." The hexagonal room is impressively hexagonal. "Senkai's lookin' good this time of year!"

Miko smiles, facin' me, swooshin' her purple cape of purple. "Wait until you see. By the way… I don't believe I've gotten your name before."

Fwa- fwaa~m! Genkan and Maria come through the portal, and Ha-chan somehow kinda falls over through it. "Wa- wow, wow…!"

"...I am the Brad man." I inform 'er! "With the Brad plan…!"

Genkan instantly lets her eyes wander around lucidly… "Ho- how… strange." Oh- it wasn't 'cause of my joke, she was really just offset by the climate!

Maria's just as unaffected as me, though. She bluntly stares over the big room…

"I see." Miko's unimpressed, yo. "In any case… I want you all to see this." I think Miko did all of this just to show us her crazy space mansion. She can bench an entire continental shelf, dude.

While Miko moves up to a big sliding door, we all sorta meander behind her…

Shoo~f. The floor vibrates as the ginormous paper door slides open.

Wow. The sky's pink and yellow. I think the world ended…!

Walking up to the edge with her, I, uh…

Below us, an unknown country of mountains, lakes and great, lush forestry sit undisturbed. A technicolor horizon expands to the far edges of this land, not a single immediate structure dotting the skyline from here.

Wow. What the fuck is this. It's beautiful.

Below us, a darker, shaded hexagonal pond surrounds this big fuckoff Gannondorf tower. Either it's sunset, or… I don't know. There's no sun. This place is just eternally twilight!

The sky's like freakin' cotton candy!

"What-... on Earth…?" Genkan's overwhelmed by the spectacle! "Oh…"

"What is this…!?" Maria's hyped, dude! It's the good, worried kinda hype!

"Aa- aah…" Uh.

...I look back at Ha-chan, to see she's glowing a little! Oh, okay, yo.

"This is not Earth." Miko boasts to us, spreading her arms out…! "This, is Senkai."

"...I kinda figured as much!" I admit ta her! "Somethin' this naturally beautiful, pretty much just doesn't exist on the outside!" The sky's colors are so rich, and the dissonance between the sky's saturation and the ground's tree-cast-esque shade is amazing. The horizon makes things looks brighter rather than darker, which is fuckin' wit' my head...

...Slowly, Genkan turns to me, dude. "It's not often you comment on something's appearance in a positive manner. It's a little weird."

I return a worried look! "How often do I say things look like shit…!?"

She gives me a smile back. "You've been quite the critic. Have you really not noticed?"

"...No." I've been too caught up makin' fun of shit to realize I was makin' fun of shit! Now.. it is I who is made fun of! Oo~h, ho ho ho…

"Tojiko~." Turnin' back in, Miko calls out to someone! "We have guests. Fetch the tea and cookies." ...Who's Tojiko, anyway.

"Come. On the lower floor, we have a kotatsu hall." Dude- Miko said this place's got a kotatsu hall!? A hall of kotatsus, dude! And- you know, it's actually warmer here than in Gensokyo proper.

Ha-chan is glowing gold and cyan for some reason. "I- I feel…" Her voice echoes, too…! "Great…"

"Nature is heightened here, even by comparison to Gensokyo." Miko explains why Ha-chan's a soopuh saiyan. "Your fairy feels the effects."

Shu- shu- shu- shunk. Some of the wooden floor ahead becomes stairs down!

"I'm… I'm so full." Ha-chan, the frik're ya on about…!? "This body…"

Proceedin' ahead anyway, Miko steps down the flat wooden platforms that were made of the cut open floor.

"...Hmm." Genkan thoughtfully trails along, yo.

And, so do all of us! We get down into this freakin'... kotatsu hall, dude. There are numerous kotatsus…

Some girl in faded green has arranged cookies and tea as promised! They look edible, as hoped and planned.

"Ah." Tojiko- I recognize her look, dude. She was the ghost who said like one line in the game she was featured in! "Showing off again, prince?"

"Killing time." Miko gave her a muted grin. "...These ones are quite bewildering, you might find."

"With a youkai companion, I'd imagine it so." Tojiko smiles at us, dude. "Hello~."

"Hi, friend." I greet the friend.

...I look over at Miko! "Hey- was it true you once had a dick?" Her calling 'em 'prince' reminded me this boy was once actually a boy!

"You know." Miko has the best grin on 'er face…! "What possessed you to ask that this moment. Of what necessity…?"

"I really needed to know, dude." It's important! "It's for a school project!"

"Must we dehinge every caregiver we come across…?" Genkan's slowly drifting behind me... "I'm on the fence whether or not it's actually deliberate. Even so... that was more of an insult than anything."

...Miko exhaled. "It would be an insult, were it not true."

...Genkan's mouth is agape!

Maria lets her gaze lower… "I- I think I missed something somewhere…"

"Wha- I just actually took a look at him." Tojiko hovers towards me! "What the hell are you wearing."

"Clothes." I smile happily…

"But- Hakurei outfit…" She's growing increasingly worried!

Quick, randomize the outfit!

I close my eyes. Letting my sense of balance fall away, my body tickles all over briefly as I fuck my mana up…

Fwi- click! Hoh!

Alright- s'like Christmas morning! Let's see what I got…!

"...Buddhist garb." Lookin' unimpressed, Miko looks over my old ass monk robes! "Recruit level, at that."

I feel at my poofy mob cap. I got Remi's mob cap on, dude!

"...Even Byakuren doesn't remember giving those to you." Nearing the kotatsu with cookies and teas, Miko readies ta sit down. "In any case… the three of you, come sit-

Kaboo~m! Holy fuck! What happened!?

CLACK! A kotatsu lands near us, thrown from nearby!

"What…!?" Miko gets back up! "What was that? Tojiko- search the area!"

"I-..." Tojiko floats up, lookin' around with wide eyes! "On it, prince."

While they panic, I check myself over! Aw, woah. I got Reimu's arm sleeves on, dude. Monk robes, and Shinto arm sleeves! Now all I need is a Taoist helmet thing, and I'll be the religion man. The man of faith, except he has no faith!

Wait. I'm wearing that iron cross…

Kabam! A kotatsu further ahead of all of us explodes, and goes sailing into the aether outside!

"We're being attacked…!?" Miko's got her sword out! "Show yourself!"

Genkan and Maria have quietly fluffed up, and Ha-chan's too busy feeling at herself to care. I don't think anyone but me remembers that the iron cross just summons explosions for no reason…!

Boo~m! Another kotatsu explodes! It sails into the air, dude…

Tojiko catches it! Y'know, they're not very powerful blasts if all they do is fling furniture… like, ya'd think they'd blow it to pieces.

...Oh, shit. Genkan's de-fluffed, an' she's comin' up to me to harass me! "Brad-..." She knows what's up!

"Hi." I smile at her, and nod casually-

Kaboo~m! Oh- holy shit! The kotatsu behind us just exploded!

"Turn that thing off…!" Reachin' fer my robe, she steals the decoration! "It's actually scaring everyone…!"

"Including me!" I just jumped at the last explosion!

...Miko's gaze becomes super dry. "A- ah…"

Stepping up to us, she takes hold on the iron cross Genkan's got. "I won't even question why you have an accessory like this. Let me give it an on and off button, so this doesn't happen again."

...Tojiko hovers down to us, tossin' the kotatsu she had aside! "Prince- I know you're the only one here who knows how to teach outfit-rotating magic. Why did you teach him."

Miko looks at her with more uncertainty than before! "...I had my reasons. Regardless…"

She hands the iron cross back ta me! "Here. If you press it, it will flash red or green. I'm sure you can guess which setting is which. It also activates if you're under attack." Aw.

I put it back on. As it's gettin' attached, my palm brushes the center-

It glows green fer a moment, and-

Kaboo~m! Oh, shit!

Miko presses it for me again, and it goes red! "Be careful!"

Clack… Anotha' kotatsu lands near us!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

These cookies… are good.

I've got on the freakin' MP prize badge again. Reality really wants me to wear this freakin' useless pin!

"Om…" Maria's having the tea and snacks, dude.

"...I'm also becoming skeptical of this hospitality." Genkan accepts the cookies, but chooses to heckle Miko whilst doin' so. "I was able to believe the resolve excuse, for teaching him something. But, now you're treating us to all of this… quite specifically."

"...You know, I never thought a youkai would distrust me." Miko blinks at her plainly…! "Something tells me this is supposed to be the other way around."

Genkan lets her eyes flick up, for a moment! "Clever, surely. You say this as if there's a reason for youkai to trust you."

Returning to her tea, Miko just ignores 'er…

"Question!" I raise a question!

"Answer…" Maria- why, no. Help.

"I can tell you're all becoming suspicious of me." Miko smiles at us all. "So, I'll be honest. I'd like to offer the two non-youkai of you a position under us."

Aah. Hmm. No~.

"...I- I don't think so." Maria shakes her head!

Genkan looks over at me, and I shake my head too! "...Do I get entry gifts for joining? Can I abscond immediately after…!?"

"I'll lend you two a few more consideration incentives." Miko gave us an assured nod. "I know it's sudden, yet… I also know the two of you are open-minded, resourceful, and intelligent of your own merits."

...I scoot closer to Genkan! "An' what about her, yo…!?"

She ignores the question…!? "You also have very little to lose, both from this offer, and in general." Does my soul count, dude. "I would, however, like to know the purpose in this interaction with youkai you've chosen."

What's with taoism and hating sexy monster girls. "Hi." Let's make her clarify!

"...Um, hi." Miko greets me back! "In other words… why do you choose to fraternize with this yuki-onna?"

"I like youkai boobs." I said it before, and I'll say it again!

Genkan folds her arms…! "You're getting us kicked out of here with pitchforks, at this rate."

...Miko closes her eyes fer a moment, and lifts a cookie before openin' 'em again! "Is… that so."

"Seriously- why can't we chill wit' Genkan here." I gesture to Genkan 'cause she's fluffy. "You can have my word that she's not out to suck out my soul…!"

...Miko raises a brow! "While her placation is true, and her peaceful presence here is a testament to that, it is both unwise in a… tactical sense, and unwise for the future. I ask you to reconsider your growing attachment."

"But, why, though…" Despite the length of her comment, I mean… it still doesn't put me anywhere! "Why would I- why would I do any of that…?"

She blinks a few times! "...Such a relationship draws the public purview of youkai in an undesirable direction. Regardless of the tenets of such an understanding, it does no good for the village's current acceleration towards submission and defeat."

"But- why should I care?" This is a really big like, 'what if the public… did something about this' sort of situation! "I don't give a rat's ass about the village…!"

"Why should people's opinions influence our decision?" Genkan starts speakin', too! "We are our own people."

"...I see your logic." Miko admits! "To accept even case-by-case instances of such a scenario, however, is inadmissible. As things teter on the brink of collapse here, frayed desire for co-existence is something that needs no part in anything. Were I a cruel individual, I'd advise the four of you to leave this place- this village- but, I'm sure you've nowhere else to go." Wo~w. Miko just told us to fuck off, dude…!

"Ah." Genkan just nods at her in the same vague amazement I have! "I… see."

I don't really got anything to say to her, dude. I just want my freebies and some sightseeing, at this point!

Crunch. Cookie crunch, dude. It's nice and chunky. I'm just gonna bitterly consume my cookies in peace…

"...I apologize if I've seemed rude." Miko notices how we don't wanna talk to her anymore! "You still get the incentive packages, by the way, if there was any doubt."

"S'nice." That'll be good, at least. I hope it's got stats! Dude- what if she gives me a scimitar…!?

...Munching sounds, dude.

Wow. Total quiet! Miko really turned us off, with that buzzkill proposal! We freakin' hate her now, dude!

"Nice." Tojiko comments from a nearby kotatsu…!

Miko just throws 'er a look…!

"Nnn~..." Ha-chan's like, ejaculating behind us, or something. I don't know!

At least it looks nice outside, too. We should explore the ground level…

...Why're Genkan an' Maria just staring at me…!? It's the fluffy assault, dude!

We gotta keep this awkward silence going. I wanna see how long it can go.

...Why's Miko looking at me, too!? This is like hard mode!

Taking a single cookie… I bite. A~nd, I chew! I chew as long as I can…! Chew it up, wit' Twix, dude! 'Cept Twix has not, and will never exist again…

"Really nice." Tojiko begins to grin from the other kotatsu…!

"I- I've apparently really offended them." Miko's weirded out, too! "I'm sorry…?"

It's too late, dude. You've ruined our innocence. Now we're doomed to lives as airline stewards…

"Let me go call a platform…" Getting up, Miko moves for the opening in the wall. "So it will be ready, when we want to continue our tour."

...While she floats out to get a platform, Tojiko idly moves to follow…!

The moment she's out of earshot, Genkan turns to me. "I don't like them."

"Yeah." I nod, but then compact a little! Bringing a finger up to my lips, I hold it there fer a moment as I start to get up, too…!

...The girls watch me curiously. Once I get up, I look at the opening in the wall, out into the great cotton candy beyond, and back at them. "Dude- we should just not talk to Miko for the rest of the tour."

"That's what I was planning on." Genkan states plainly…!

"No- I mean like, avoid as much contact as possible." Just really rub it in! "Idea."

Reachin' into my bag, I take out the 3DS! "Genkan, you should just play on this the entire time…! Oh, shit." I've got an idea…

I walk over to Maria after handin' the 3DS off to Genkan. "It's still possible to like, possess one another innit? Even with the dream pals in confinement?"

She blinks. "...I believe so."

"Idea." I hold up my hands! "So, like… I'll possess you- or something- and just be gone. An' you should tell Miko I was so mad I just got up and left."

"O- oh, no…" Maria snorts, an' begins to smirk...! "That'd actually be pretty mean."

"That's outlandish for me enough to want to do that." Genkan's in on it too, dude! "Even if it's exceedingly rude. I don't very much care for the… whole atmosphere of this… organization?"

"These're the taoists, Genkan." Maria informs 'er, in case she forgot! "It's all faith stuff."

"That's actually worse." Genkan grins back at her! "...I didn't even know what religion this place followed."

"Brad-kun…" Ha-chan- what the frik're you-

Oof! She pulls me into a really strong hug! "Hug…" Aaa~h, aaa~h…!

After she lets go of me, particles of gold glitter continue to sparkle against me fer a few moments, before dying. She's freakin' super-charged!

...Hoh. Well, anyway…!

Me, Genkan an' Maria look amongst ourselves. Alright, dude…

I focus on Maria! As I get closer to her, Ha-chan stalks behind me…

"So…" She dunno how to proceed. I don't think I do, either! "I dunno if we can will it, 'cause I just tried, and it didn't work…"

Hmm. Man, dude. If only I had cloaking technology.

Actually. Idea…

I look down at my bag! "...Why've I never thought of this before."

Opening it up, and staring into the usual darkness and the brown bottom inside it, I set it down on the floor. Then, I sit down, and start fitting myself into it!

"Oh. Um…" Maria watches me, as I slink into it, and- woah!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Thud. Oof.

...I look behind me, and see the freakin'... way out. The surface of the portal's all rainbow-y, like the entrance to Senkai, except I can still kinda see out of it…

This is actually pretty freakin' roomy. Uh…

It's literally just a room in the Scarlet Devil Mansion. It's got the usual carpet, the beige ceiling, and the scarlet walls…

There's no door out, but the floor looks a little weird. Freakin'...!

In here, all my shit's just in a pile. There are marble podiums around the room with nothing on them… and in the midst of them's a bunch of fuckin' furniture, covered in plant hangers and clothes! There's also a bunch of water marks all along the floor, blast marks, scorch marks…

Along the very walls, big red and gold vases sit on even taller podiums. The podiums are taller than I am, so I can't reach 'em.

At the very back of the room, there's a picture of Remilia and Flandre smiling together. It looks hand-painted!

So this is where all my shit goes. As it turns out, my storage has limited capacity! The good news is, this is a pretty big room, so it's unlikely I'll hit this max in my lifetime, unless I try to fit a fuckin' yacht into my bag. Or numerous cars, or speed boats. Or a house.

Oh, shit. There's actually a broken vase, the marble podium it stood on smashed apart!

On the crapped out floor, in the midst of the vase is a… staff, I think? It's fitted with a bright, orange moon shape on the top. S'actually not so much a staff, since it's sort of tiny. Let's loot it for Maria to use…!

I reach down to take it-

ZA- ZAP! Wha- yeouch! Holy fuck…!

Thud! I- oof. I land… a bit away from it! "O- ow…" Okay- I guess this shit's got DRM. This must all be Remilia's shit…

Well. Anyway…

Oh, shit. There's also a broken bust of Remi on the other side of the crap pile. On the podiums, there are not broken busts of Remi. Aw…

Coming up to the broken one, I look down at the sword… yeah- there was just a sword inside of it. I'm not gonna reach down and grab it, 'cause it probably won't let me!

It's a real fancy sorta sword. The guard's curved in two different directions… but otherwise it looks like just an old ass sword. It looks sort of familiar, though.

Swords aren't my style anyway, so it can keep layin' there!

"honh honh honh" Aw, dude… I have friends.

Aw, there he is, too! The little loaf person scurries out! An' it runs up to the blade-

ZA- ZAP- ZAP! fwoof. Oh. The DRM magic literally killed it. Hoh, shit…!

"So, you've finally found this place…"

Oh, hi Sakuya. How the fuck'd you get in here.

"Oh, dear." She looks down at the floor! "What have you done? Have you been storing an entire pond in here…?"

"Yes." Yeaha~h, dude!

...While she steps up to one of the broken busts, she reaches down and picks up the sword that came out of it. "...Strange." Floating up she places it back on the marble podium… "Mistress was just reminded that this place existed." Ho ho!

"How the frik'd you even get in here." You mean to tell me these candles on the walls have been burning for like twenty million years…!?

"...The floor opens." She points to the slightly lower panel of flooring, in the middle and before my crap pile. "This room is actually in the ceiling."

Oh. It's a secret room, dude. My bag is, in and of itself, a secret…!

Moving up to the rainbow hole, I stick my head in!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Ooo~. Oh, man, this place looks pretty like this. Wait- that's right, I don't even have my bag on me, because right now I am my bag!

Oh, god, this is weird. My face is just kinda pokin' out, while I swing around freakin' Maria's waist. This is the dumbest shit ever.

"Yeah. He left." Oh, god. Maria's- pft…! "He, um… got really upset, and just left."

"That's-..." Miko actually looks really conflicted for a moment, before immediately noticing me. Aw, shit…

"im a fluffle" I try my best fluffle impression. It sort of hurts…!

...Maria looks down at me, surprised!

Um- what, woah. Sakuya sticks her head out, too…!

...Her gaze widens! "What-...?"

Miko looks like she's on an emotional rollercoaster! "...I'm uncertain whether I should be relieved or bewildered."

What the frik're- Sakuya, what're you actually doing…!?

She brings her arms out, and- she's really just climbing out. Awkwardly, she clambers out of the bag, getting her legs through and accidentallying my face with them at the same time, and then-

"Unf…" She lands on the ground outside it!

"I found a maid in here!" I stick an arm out, and my Hakurei sleeve dangles...!

"What in the actual fuck." Tojiko drifts up to us! "Yo- you sure know how to pick 'em, Prince…!"

...I- I start tryin'a climb out, but it's hard! "Holy shit, getting out is hard!"

"Uh…" Genkan awkwardly moves to pluck me from my soil…!

"Brad is a flower now!" Ha-chan is loud now!

"I- I think I've bitten off more than I can chew…" Miko's intimidated all of a sudden!

Hoh! I have been… reclaimed from the sack. For some reason, I've just been hanging onto the London operating cross that the random number gods lemme summon last costume change.

Genkan plants me on my-... well, since I don't know where the hell my old boot things are, I'm just in socks right now. She plants me on my socks! Pretty fitting, 'cause for some reason everyone else is whenever we're indoors. I think it's a culture thing…

Anyway! We're currently on the ground level. There's water in a big hexagon all around us, a border of stone encasing it. It's basically a nice big, decorative pond, filled with lily pads and little hexagonal stone platforms…

Actually, maybe not so little! My instincts urge me to leap across them to the other side, 'cause that totally looks like a baby's first platforming puzzle.

This entire ground level seems to be an overcast, or rather sunset-like blue tint. As if the sun had just barely set, casting the land in a worldly blue hue. Except, I got no idea what the fuck's goin' on with the sky, and the taoist tower is big and bright. It also just keeps going up…!

"Wh- where…?" Sakuya is understandably displaced! "How lost did you get…?"

Wahaha! "Very, very lost!"

"...Welcome to the tour. I suppose." Miko gives Sakuya a vacant look! "...Ah. You'd be the one who goes by… Izayoi, correct?"

...Sakuya just stares at her vacantly in turn! S'more 'cause she's taking in the sights though. "Where is this? Are we even in Gensokyo?"

"...This is Senkai." Miko gives 'er a nod! "Behind you is our great Mausoleum."

Giving it a look, Sakuya blinks a few times, before relaxin' a bit… "Senkai. I've heard stories, but I hadn't quite imagined it'd look like this…"

"The appearance of this realm is wild and varied." Miko turns to the jumping puzzle for baby noobs. "However, you cannot get lost on our property, at least. Do not leave the stone paths or lower structures, and here you will remain. It's not that the ground magically teleports you or anything, but if you lose an eyeline with this location, losing yourself in the visual splendor is very easy." Ya don't say…

Wait. Did she-...

"Miko." I gotta get this clear wit' 'er. "Did you make the Mausoleum really tall just so you can find it again if you went exploring?" Is this some Minecraft strategy bullshit taken too far…!?

...She just looks over at me with raised brows! "Not quite, but it was a realization that came to mind later. It is appropriate marketing, I take it, too..."

Who the fuck do you market to in Senkai, even. Does anyone live here…!?

...Sensing my inquisitivity, she beckons me with a stare and lets me continue! So I do, yo. "Who the fuck lives in Senkai."

"Spirits. Fairies." She turns away to the stones again… "Hermits."

"Hup." With a plain leap, she cleared the gap of reflective, beautiful pond water, onto the first stone.

"...How many hermits live in Senkai?" Rather than any of us, Sakuya asks a big question!

...Smiling back at us, Miko seems amused, in the haughty way. "If that question were easy, they wouldn't take up residence here. From what I've observed, next to none, but if you tread boisterously and with intent, they are around every corner past these lands, and then some. They are everywhere and nowhere; and, often only are found when they desire to be found. If there were a method to the madness, the ministry would have cleared this place out long ago."

Turning back to the water aside us, she stared up into the sky. "Of course, Komachi may be their one unit who would potentially fare with the illusions here, if only through brute force of her gift. Doubtlessly, they would also likely have aces, but like any good player of any game, they do not wish to expend their hand so readily."

...Sakuya let her gaze slide away. "As if she'd have the patience to deal with something like this. I feel like I've stepped into a painting." Aw. We Mario 64, boys!

Fwi~sh. Genkan freezes the pond water where she goes to step, and totally cheeses having to do the jumping puzzle by doing so. Wait- she can fly, though…!

Oh well, yo. Let's get ready to jump!

"I've known that you here have halted your aging." Sakuya drifts over the pond entirely, not bothering with the little jumping puzzle. "Perhaps you've encountered said shinigami?"

Miko grins. "There have been a few chance meetings. Among others, of course. And what of you?"

"Hmm?" Sakuya stops near her. Freakin'- they're hogging the first platform!

"You are no stranger to being ageless." Miko holds 'er grin…! "Do death's soldiers glare at you?"

"...They know better." Sakuya remarks…? "And, their star reaper can hardly ferry the accepting dead to save her non-life as it is. The mansion is no pocket dimension, but it has more than a few in it."

Miko seems ta like that answer, smiling wider. "Very good. I'd offer you opportunity… but, that would be foolish of me."

Sakuya seems ta ignore her from there, and just begins spinnin' around, looking at the sky and the water. Hoh…

"Freakin'...!" I march in place! "Yer a stone hog, Miko! I wanna do the-" You know what…

Hup! I leap over the water, intent on getting to the stone ahead of her! Just as I'm about to splosh into the good lookin' abyss below-

"Hoh!" I jump again!

Splish! My sock clips the water and it's mega weird…! Oof!

A- ah. I have… landed! And now my foot is wet.

"Hah!" Miko leaps from her platform, going for the one two ahead of herself as well! Which is actually past me, so she just jumps right over me and lands almost soundlessly on the other stone. "...Do you care for a race?" She smirks back at me…!

"Nn~ no." You can just jump to the end right here. You can fly!

"Aaw." ...Don't aaw me, you freakin' monarch. You can't do that- s'not cute! "The rules will be simple. From here in, we may only jump to every other platform. As in, you can only go forward two, as can I. Furthermore… you may do anything you have in your power to stop me. I will not attempt to stop you. As long as you reach the pond's rim before I do, you may even go for a swim, if you so desired."

Aw, yeah dude. A swim. And… anything, aah?

Focusing my mana into my London Cross, I close my eyes, and focus on my inventory…

Wo- woah. My body loses all balance fer a moment, as I switch it out!

Fwi- click! I now have the Red Scare out, dude!

"...Oh, no." Sakuya observes what I can do! "I don't think you needed such an ability…"

"I think I did, dude!" Yo ho ho!

"And-..." She points at me! "You're wearing one of Mistress' hats…!"

...Before she thinks to steal it, put it in the inventory!

I close my eyes and think really hard about it, and the bag too! Ohp- hello darkness, my old friend…

Fwi- click! This is painless, dude. Yo ho ho!

...I've now got that sun elemental racecar helmet on.

"...Oh, right." Miko gives me a deflated expression… "I-... did sell you that."

"No wonder it looks horrible." Genkan looks up from the 3DS to talk 'er down…!

...Miko just gives her a bothered look!

Wait. If I'm gonna do a dumb navigation race, you know what I really need?

I close my eyes again, freakin'... I'm really getting my practice with this spell in!

Fwi- click! My balance returns! I have-... given myself the gravity boots! That-... was different. I tried to focus on my feetsies, but instead I like… focused on nothing instead? Or was it like… tiny point on my chest? Ah- oh, my MP prize pin is unequipped now. Do I have max accessory slots or some shit?

Anyway. Gravity boots, check! Debuff factory, check! Resistance to Miko's sun shit, check!

I speak through the freakin' doofy helmet. "Do we gotta touch down on the platforms?"

"Yes." Miko nods! "...At least, I will have to. You may swim directly there, if your skills are confident. Or even fly, but… you seem to be incapable, there." Oh, man. Little do you know, dude!

It'd be fun to summon London to harass her, but that'd be total overkill, honestly. If this works as planned, Miko will be freakin' owned, dude.

"If you win…" Miko points at me!

I point at her with my hanger! "I get a copy of your outfit!" Yes.

...She blinks! "...I was thinking money."

"Your laundry." Gimme those freakin' earmuffs. "And an appraisal!" Freakin'- I can grind cash fast anywhere, and at this point pro'lly even during a linebreak! But yer outfit is priceless, dude!

"...If you're so certain." Shrugging it off, she starts to posture herself! "I am ready when you are."

I aim my hanger at 'er! "I a~m ready!"

"Fufu…" Smiling wider, she flashes me a toothy grin. "Let's go!"

Woosh! Leaping high into the air as a grandiose show, she does a backflip on her way to her first stone platform, her cape somehow cooperating…

But, before she lands, I channel mana into the Red Scare, dude. I focus on 'er, and thrust it into the air! "Berserk!"

Fwoom. A warm flash of enraging fire washes past her, as she descends for the stone. "Ah…!?"

Pap- pap- pap! Before she lands, I bring the hanger back down, and use both arms to hold on, firin' a good stream 'a NERF darts!

CRACK! The stone platform she lands on freakin' explodes, dying to her force. While the darts sail for her, she throws a freakin' aware glare at them, and-

SHI~NG! She cuts down one! "Weak!"

pap- pap- pap. The others hit her, as she readies to bolt and make it to the other platform instead. "Au- hah…!?"

I crouch down ta turn on my work boots. But, while I do so, I see Miko bolt ahead-

Spla~sh! Oh, shit! She just freakin' spiralled into the water! Aaw. Bad luck blues, dude. As well as disorientation! Debuff darts are the best things ever.

I take to the air! Spreading out my arms, I hover forward, the boots slowly lettin' me accelerate! "I~ am a NERF war maste~r, son!"

SPLA~SH! She's already erupted from the water! "Pfthu- euh…" Vision glazed over and body shaky, she looks at me exactly as I pass her. Like, she knows where the fuck I am.

She seems to cautiously float down towards the platform she tried to go for! Like, aside from where people are- as she keeps looking between me, Genkan, Sakuya, Tojiko and so forth, but-

Clack. She finally finds her platform. "Hnh…" Performing a fake leap, she makes for the next one, and actually kind of gets it right.

Spla~sh. Well. I mean, she was only a little off.

But anyway- I'm now really past her…! The water ripples beneath my gravity boots, as they apply some kinda force against 'em. Eventually, I reach the end! I try to do a cool little swerve as I come to the rim- and oh fuck that was a bad idea-

"Woah- oah- oah- oah…!" I'm spinning the fuck around…! Aaa- aaa~h!

Cli- click. I crouch down as I freakin' go insane in the air, and turn 'em off- ooh fuck that was also-... a bad idea. Or not- wait-

Thud! O- ow! Fuck! I- I landed on my back real damn good…! Did I clip my neck a bit?

Vuu~m. The moment I land, Seikatsu reminds me it somehow fuckin' tailed us through the Senkai portal. She- it, xir…! Seikatsu becomes visible to administer my meds…

Well. I beat Miko, I think.

Spla~sh. Ahead of me, she slowly, calmly descended into the water, in an attempt to just descend vertically down onto a platform.

Splish- splish. Emergin' again, she wipes herself off! "Ho- how… ridiculous."

With her senses sobered up by all the splashing, she just super quickly floats up to the platforms, pinging each one with her shoes a little, before meeting me at the end in just five seconds.

"Hi." I greet her casually, from my ass.

...She sighs, after staring me down for a moment! "I suppose I'd underestimated you too greatly, when I set those conditions. I've still yet to adapt to Gensokyo's logic…" Noob.

Gettin' up, I pocket the good hanger, and rub my hands together! "Gimme yer laundry, son."

Miko begins to smile! "...Ah, hm. I could have adapted to those debilitations, if only I'd known in advance." Noob.

"Well, son." I shake my head. "You couldn't. Ya didn't. And now yer freakin' done!"

"You saw how I used everyone's… emanations to navigate." Miko- quit tryin'a justify this! You lost a game of rules lawyer! "...I'm also not saying this from a place of indignation, if you were confused." Oof.

"Well- I did, actually, kinda see ya adapt and eventually recover." I offer 'er that… "Was a bit late, though!"

"...This is true." She closes her eyes.

Tojiko floats up! "Here's the Prince's garb. Underwear included." Oh, good. I finally get to change my- nevermind, these are panties. Freakin'...

"How shameful." Sakuya looked casually dismissive, dude. "You've lost a competition, to the least competent outsider in Gensokyo."

"Something thought actually impossible." Genkan comes up behind Miko and says this, now having walked across the pond's length!

"I will say…" Miko holds her arms up in defense! "That was a very hermit-like way of winning."

"And we would know." Tojiko grinned…! "Still. You lost your undies to a guy, Prince."

Miko lets her gaze shift to the sky, yo. She's done, dude.

…"Hup." Oh. Aw, dude.

Maria's caught up to us, having leapt across the platforms one at a time. "Hup." How the hell'd she get past the broken as fuck one.

"S'not like I can actually equip these…!" I remark, as Tojiko hands the purple freakin' undies to me! "Freakin'...!"

"I'd rather you didn't, for both our sakes…" Miko closes her eyes again…! "You wanted an appraisal, right?"

Aw. Yes dude! "Yeah!"

"...The first, most impressive feature lies in my capes." She begins the shpeel… "They may be set to three different colors, each with different properties. You'll get a feel for them… but purple is for safety, red is for melee, and blue is for magic." Oh, shit. Her cape has modes!? That's- kinda cool, actually…

"My earmuffs are very effective, and also silencing resistant." How the fuck's that work. "My clothes themselves… prevent dispelling and blinding, and grant half sun resistance. They're also sturdy, and inspire bravery." Yeah- alright, yo…

Then, she holds up her panties! "These… offer some dispel resistance, inspiration and immunity to blinding." Inspiration. I can be inspired by panties, dude.

...And- so you're saying, I don't need to wear sunglasses… if I have your panties on. What the fuck.

"Yehaha~h!" I take the shit from 'er! These're the clothes of a warrior, dude. Even the pantaloons!

I stuff 'em all into the sack where they belong, dude. Right after, I close my eyes, and focus on just- everything! ...And- right, also the bag, was wondering why nothing was happening. Now… make all the space like the bag-

Oo~hp. Bye, motor skills. Hello, items…!

Fwi- click! I land again, now in Miko's sandals.

My Hakurei arm sleeves were traded out in favor of my cape involuntarily. I am okay with this!

Miko says something. I can't hear it.

...I take her earmuffs off! "I said, 'do you like it'?"

"It's perfect, dude." Just what I always wanted. A man-turned-woman prince's enchanted warrior regalia! "This cape will go awesome with Reimu's outfit, dude! Wait…" Awww~...! "I'll wear Reimu's ribbon, the buddhist robes, and your cape all at the same time!"

"You've failed us." Sakuya shakes 'er head at Miko…!

"We're doomed." Genkan's got a grin creepin' up her face…!

"...I have sinned." Miko looks like she wants to get outta here!

"Wha- what even is that." She points at Seikatsu! "Either I'm losing touch with reality, or-... what is that." Wow. Just suddenly totally perplexed…!

"A friend." I am good describey man. "Say hi, Seikatsu."

"...Did you know: auto-input functionality has been installed as of twelve-dash-thirteen-dash-thirty-six?" Seikatsu says a bunch of weird shit. What date even is that. Thirty-six? Nineteen thirty-six? Or was it in the hundreds…!?

"Right…" Miko has been thoroughly given a mental back, sack 'n' crack dude.

Now we're all here! Aw...

"It's so pretty~!" Ha-chan sounds like an overgod!

Past the rim of the pond, there's just… grass and woods. S'like someone turned on fruity stripe mode out here! An' it wasn't like that before, which is weird. Like, colors just kicked in once we got closer.

Thu- thu- thunk. "I've also got the incentive things ready." Tojiko's set down some cases wit' Taoist sigils on 'em. "If we're still doing that…"

"...Why three?" Miko smiled down at the cases. "One for him and her, yes." I don't think the free Taoist outfit will be superior to Miko's own, but it doesn't hurt to have extras, dude. That, and we can melt down one of them if Genkan can't use it!

She hands one of the yin-yang fitted cases ta me, and one to Maria. "They include initiate regalia, self-defense weapons, potions, and a way to get back to Senkai no matter where you are in the world. ...I'd ask you to please avoid donning the regalia if you don't consider joining, however." Nah- fuck that, dude. I'm flying the regalia like a flag!

...And, even better, I will literally be dressed as you! I think that's gonna be worse than wearing your freakin' clan tags!

Near the midst of one of the other lines of the hexagon we're on, there's a stone path to a big 'ol gate. "This should conclude the tour. Tojiko will see you to the exit, over there." She points it out, too. It's a shimmery gate like the one we came in…

"...I really should be going." Sakuya realizes… "As fascinating as this is, it warrants investigation some other time."

Shi~shi~ng… "Fufufu…" Oo~h. That wasn't Ha-chan!

Off the rim of the Mausoleum's pond masonry, a really big fairy floats by. She's clad in glowing, golden cloth of a rather simple design, and her entire body has a spreading aura of saccharine, rainbowy colors to it…

Also- I'm not kiddin' about the big part! She's like eight feet tall!

Shi- shing… Sighting us, she comes closer! "Hehe…" As she floats, her wings themselves make these freakin'... glittery noises, and they're really loud and obvious.

Thunk. She floats into the stone walling beneath us.

...Thunk- thunk, thunk. Like a moth, she slowly ascends while batting herself against the lower walling!

"Oh- hello~!" Ha-chan calls out to her in her own singsongy, echoey voice! "You're… gorgeous!"

Hovering over the shade-cast stone, the big fairy illuminates the entire pondside with her light! "You're all so little, and cute. Let's play-"

SWISH. Miko threw her blade out, unleashing one slash.

FWAA~SH! Holy crap! The fairy just freakin' explodes, into a huge blast of sparkly dust which just goes everywhere. Through her death, a small- I think- yellow nova flares into existence, crackling with unknown, electrical-like energy, before eating into itself and fading.

Vum… vum… Where she was, a single, neon yellow pearl pulses with airy white light.

Floating up to it, Miko takes it.

"No." Tojiko shakes her head vigorously! "We've already filled two whole treasure rooms with that crap. I've just been throwing them out, at this point."

...Smiling again, Miko comes down and hands off the pearl to me! "Here. Natural essence."

Wo- woah. Just holding it-... it feels weird. Each pulse of light sends like… clarity and energy through me. What the fuck is this shit…!?

All the star-like fairy dust that splashed onto us is gone, but this pearl of magic remains. It's freakin'... good.

...I turn to Ha-chan the soft friend. She's staring at it intently!

"Gift." I give her the pretty orb, and she grabs onto it-

Fwish. It passes through her hands, and seemingly disappears!

"A- aah…" Her body tenses up, and her eyes widen. "Wo- a- aah…" She awkwardly drifts around in the air for a moment, looking dizzy and confused.

"That reminds me." Sakuya plainly steps up to us… "You're late on about an entire month's worth of chore duty."

...Ha-chan's glow seems to have become brighter, and shifted from cyanish to somewhere between the two, makin' a bright teal. "O- oh… Chief."

Floating down, she moves to try and hug Sakuya. "You're really cute, Chief-"

Sakuya stops her with one arm! "No."

"Aww…" She gives up… "I'm sorry, Chief. Brad-kun's just so much fun…" Is it me, or is she a little taller…!?

...Sakuya seems to take note! "Hmm. If this nature essence does this, I might consider joining simply so our workforce may be bettered… I do want to improve my spatial magic, too."

Miko hands the last starter kit case to her! "You may take this."

"...Ah." Sakuya just stares it over dryly, before acceptin' it.

...With that, Miko begins to depart! "If anyone has any questions, I'm sure you know where to find me."

"No, we don't." I nod at her confidently.

Ignoring my contrarianism, she begins to drift off…

All quiet-like, Ha-chan stares her hands over. She seems a little more reserved, for the moment.

"Come o~n." Tojiko beckons us all plainly. "...You're all real quiet types, huh."

Of all of us, no one says anything. Genkan's playin' on the 3DS still, Maria's just passively observing everything, and Ha-chan's entered a new quietness. Sakuya- I mean, if you expect Sakuya to be talkative, guess again!

An' then there's me. And no, I don't save the day. No one does, dude. The day goes unsaved, and is claimed by the darkness.

"...I guess I'm sort of quiet, too." Tojiko for some reason resonates with our collective deadness. "Don't know what the prince was thinking."

We all step up to the shimmery gate. Unlike before, when we get closer to this one, we can clearly see what's outside it. Darkness…! I was right, dude!

"This'll take you outside her tomb." Tojiko promptly remarks! "Seiga'll show you out from there. Or not. Really, there's enough of you to dig your way out, if you're really that dumb."

"Thanks." Sakuya gives 'er a plain remark!

Fwiou~p. With that, she marches into the great beyond. One by one, we all go to follow 'er, and-

FWIOU~P. Yo ho ho~!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

END OF CHAPTER 89

Brad, the Fluffle Slayer, Fairy Slayer, Accidental Human Slayer, Robot Demolisher, Ph. D in Plant Hangers, Scarlet Liberator, Village Liberator, Eientei Crucible, Sinker of the Flufftanic, Factory Disassembler, Assembler of the Legendary Air Ride Machine, Sky Climber, Amateur Espionage Practitioner, Illegal Fairy Harborer, Conscientious Party Member, Winter Warrior, Village Revolutionary, Has Forgotten What Half of These Titles Stood For, Holder of Too Many Titles - Aw, Genkan gave me a summary! I can change elements, skills and resistances depending on the situation! Weaknesses vary…!

NON-EQUIP SKILLS:

Lucky Star - Non-elemental magic that does very random damage to one target. The star is summoned from above, and simply coasts into people.

Scent Pillow - A spell taught by Koakuma. The end-game strat, dude.

World's Wimpiest Fireball - A spell learned from a book given ta me by Patchouli. Not very good for anything…! May dry out targets.

Lumen - Low-grade holy spell that eats mana. Requires a source of holy to actually be cast. Homes in on an enemy and deals a burst of mediocre holy damage.

Double Jump - The good skill. Allows the user to completely cancel their falling momentum and jump again.

INVENTORY:

= = ► EQUIPPED ITEMS:

WEAPON: Fallen Comrade

HEAD: Toyosatomimi's Earmuffs

TORSO: Toyosatomimi's Regalia

PANTS: [Toyosatomimi's Regalia]

SHOES: [Toyosatomimi's Regalia]

MISC ONE: Toyosatomimi's Cape

MISC TWO: MP Prize Badge

MISC THREE: None.

RESULTING STATUS:

50% darkness resistant

Morale - Survives lethal blows when over half health.

Brave - Resistant to crits, and crits more often.

200% Dispel resistant

100% Silencing resistant

Sound protection.

Moderately improved defense.

Extended prize grab radius.

MP Prizes drop.

= = ►[Bag of Holding] - The best piece of equipment…! It's good, dude! Infinite enough inventory space!

==o==

= ►WEAPONS:

Fallen Comrade - Giant hanger made of three smaller ones. Sharper Than Darkness is at the front edge of it with the sickle facing out, and Swordbreaker is along the broad front edge to engage blades. Hard Winter makes up the backbone of the thing and the hilt so that it's actually wieldy!

STATS:

Slightly debuffs target's physical attack on impact.

50% darkness resistance when wielded.

Attacks are darkness elemental.

Sickle end may make opponents bleed.

SKILLS:

Revenge - Skill that increases in strength when health is lower. Power doubles for each deceased party member. Power is increased by fifty percent for each defeated party member. Fairies count as defeated rather than deceased no matter what. Power and effects depend on current weapon. High accuracy.

Bloody Mess - User bleeds faster and longer. Oof!

Jack Hammer - Y'know, I have no idea if this still works with it as is…!

Generic Buff - Channeling mana into the hanger gives the user a marginal increase in physical stats. Moderate increase to physical defense and offense.

Pulse - Basic dark magic, which creates an influx of dark magic in an enemy's form and stresses their whole body. Reduces magic attack.

Gaia Seed - Basic earth magic which intensifies Earth's pull a little. May make targets slightly tired.

Gaia Bloom - Advanced earth magic, which intensifies Earth's pull, with multiple instances of hazy earth magic. Makes the target tired.

Tundra - Crate-sized spike of ice that erupts under people and throws them off balance. I suppose it'd hurt if you fell on it. Basic ice attack.

Ice Shard - Advanced ice magic. May freeze enemies. Creates ice magic in their body, before initializing fully by flash-freezing the air all around them.

Combo Plus - User artificially gets an extra hit. Can be canceled out of.

Combo Jump - User cancels out of combos easily.

Frost Trail - User leaves frost in their trail while jumping.

=o=

Youkai Inconveniencer - A holy plant hanger, which works as a flail 'cause of the cross necklaces attached to it! Boosts the power of holy skills.

SKILLS:

Flash - Blinding magic. Works best on dark-elementals, but also works on youkai. Humans don't resist it, so it still works on them, with reduced efficiency.

Flashlight - It's a flashlight! Might blind dark youkai, I dunno…

Shine - Basic holy magic. Generates a holy orb in the target's body, randomly battering them with a raw holy gush.

=o=

Fairy Harp - "A sand-red, cast iron plant hanger. Some kind of non-elemental monstrocity with grates, blocks and strings slapped onto it for no good reason." Some of Genkan's summaries were kinda oof, dude…!

SKILLS:

Gust - Basic wind magic. Pushes the feeble. Fee~ble…!

Fairy Dust - Weapon status effect replaced with fairy dust. Wind attacks with this weapon get fairy dust all over the enemy, reducing accuracy and senses.

Sick Ill Harp Cords - Get ready for my next great mixtape…!

=o=

Red Scare - A red and crimson plant hanger comprised of purplish-red gems and crimson metals. Boosts the power of fire skills. Also's got the good NERF gun attached now!

STATS:

Danmaku confuses the target.

Danmaku degrades the target's luck.

Danmaku may berserk the target.

Ignites things with physical impacts.

May berserk targets on physical impact.

SKILLS:

Hellfire Plume - A jet of hellfire. Berserks the targets, and isn't put out as easily. Not quite a grease fire, but unless it's totally frozen into oblivion, it ain't goin' out! Obeys fire resistance like any fire, though.

Fume - Makes hot air fume from the earth below. Might sear the feeble.

Berserk - Non-damaging fire spell which berserks a target for awhile. Can be removed with water or ice stuff!

Danmaku Adaptability - Now that there's a NERF gun on it I can shoot the good danmaku dude.

=o=

Vortex Hanger - Wind elemental plant hanger currently attached to the Yin-Yang flail as a crafting material. Boosts the power of wind skills. Maybe I should purchase fast food, and disguise it as my own cooking. Ho ho ho…!

=o=

Deep Blue - A blue and silver plant hanger comprised of mysterious fantastical metals. Boosts the power of water skills.

SKILLS:

Freakin' Leaks! - Can produce limitless fresh hanger water…!

Geyser - Basic water attack. Gush of water erupts from the earth and might fling the feeble…!

Valve - I can control the water flow with this!

=o=

Bee-Fitty-Fore-Bawmber - A mechanical plant hanger enchanted to make big booms on contact. Made of a lot of weird freakin' parts and stick bits and piston things. Has a NERF gun slapped onto it too!

STATS:

Danmaku explodes, dealing knockback and splash damage.

Accuracy falls moderately when used to fire danmaku.

SKILLS:

Boom - Hitting stuff makes booms!

Danmaku Adaptability - Can also shoot the good danmaku, dude.

=o=

Million Bucks - A basic green cast-iron plant hanger, from the aged cellar of the Scarlet Devil Mansion. It's a gift from Flandre Scarlet! Has an obsolete map of the cellar's maze, etched by Flandre herself, along with some shoddy enchantments!

STATS:

Lowers user's defense slightly.

Attacks are electric and holy elemental.

Attacks travel through matter

Attacks become magical rather than physical.

SKILLS:

Panic Attack! - Run faster when health is lower!

Magic Attack - Physical attacks are converted to magic attacks, and fluidly pass through objects.

Combo Jump - Allows the user to transition to jumping while mid-attack.

Aerial Plus - Forced aerial support! It's vaguely easier to hit aerial foes with it!

Air Slide Plus - Lets the user awkwardly air slide.

Glide - Replaces my double jump skill with gliding.

High Jump - Increased jump height while running.

=o=

Fragile Flower - A cute hanger with floral designs and light colors. Aesthetically pleasing!

SKILLS:

Enfeebled - Wielder has halved physical defense and offense.

Cleanse - Basic healing skill which cleanses one target of all debuffs or status problems.

=o=

Dream Hanger - Non-elemental hanger. Black and unassuming metal. Currently balanced, and easy for Brad to use. Has innate magical properties to it.

STATS:

Increases accuracy slightly. Somehow…? So said Genkan.

10% instant death resistance. Hoh…!

=o=

London Operating Cross - A cross that lets me summon good 'ol London, yo. Non-elemental in nature. Not actually a plant hanger. London herself uses Fireball, Ice Shard and Thunderbolt, but can only use a few spells before runnin' outta mana. Also fires diamond-shaped patterns 'a yellow, diamond-shaped danmaku. Hoh! Costly-ish to use…!

=o=

Yin-yang flail-o-copter - A flail with a standard, maximized Hakurei Yin-yang orb in the sling of it. Unable to have its powers fully activated, as only Reimu can truly harness the power of Yin-yang orbs. Crafted from a Hakurei Yin-Yang orb, a rope of panties, and two bra cups. Ropes were used to attach the Vortex Hanger to the yin-yang orb, allowing the flail to be used as a flying device, although it's a bit straining on the arms.

Market Gardener - Critical hits during blast jumps! Otherwise, it's just a normal, old plant hanger. Named after a very similar shovel…!

NERF longsword - 'CAUTION: Do not jab at people or animals'… you know what that means! Maybe one day this will actually come in handy…

NERF longsword: the sequel - Now I can dual wield these useless, narratively non-existent armaments!

==o==

= ►ARMOR:

Camouflage Kimono - This kimono means business. Doesn't actually help him hide in the brush.

STATS:

150% ice resistance.

50% freeze resistance.

50% dark resistance.

-50% percent fire resistance.

-50% percent burning resistance.

=o=

Kaguya Houraisan Disguise - Pink dress with lots of white ribbons. I'm not sure what to say about this...

STATS:

75% time resistance.

=o=

Yellow Racecar Helmet -It's like a really knockoff space marine helmet! It feels like it's got good physical defense, too… at least for my head.

STATS:

Fifty percent sun resistance.

100% freezing resistance.

100% blinding resistance.

100% electrical stunning resistance.

=o=

Lunarian Prototype Space Suit - A suit meant for combat in deep space. So far, it's only got the whole 'exist in deep space' part down…! Has an oxygen tank, but that's only useful if you wear the helmet to go along with it.

STATS:

100% electricity resistant.

100% freezing resistant.

Randomly casts Zero Gravity when it feels like it.

Zero Gravity - Area of effect spell which removes gravity from debris and the feeble!

=o=

Lunarian Prototype Deep Space Helmet - It's a freakin' space helmet.

STATS: (alone)

Fifty percent blinding resistant.

STATS: (paired with Lunarian Prototype Space Suit)

100% electricity resistant. Again, yo!

100% resistance to burning and being actively poisoned.

=o=

Testing Oxygen Tank - The oxygen tank used by the Lunarian Prototype Space Suit. Lasts for two and a half minutes. Not meant to actually be used outside of testing, but it's possible. Refills automatically in breathable air.

=o=

MP Prize Pin - A badge that allows the user to drain some of the enemy's mana, forcing it to become mana prizes on the field.

STATS:

Extends prize grabbing range. Yay…?

=o=

Sun Badge - A badge that looks like the sun. How interesting, dude.

STATS:

15% sun resistant. I need to smelt this into a weapon…!

50% resistance to blinding and electrical stunning.

Replaces the on-impact effect of all weapons with Sunfire Flare. Yuck…!

SKILLS:

Sunfire Flare - Flash of light that blinds everyone. Doesn't work on the sun-resistant.

=o=

Stock Outfit - Blue, long-sleeved shirt with a huge V-neck button-up collar. Blue sweatpants. Most balanced outfit.

STATS:

-5% wind resistance.

May make the wearer tired.

=o=

Retro Patchy Hat - A really old hat of Patchy's. It's freakin floofy, du~de…!

STATS:

Moderate increase to magical defense and offense.

=o=

Moon Crescent - Patchy's favorite accessory.

STATS:

Immunity to silencing.

25% moon resistance.

Moderate increase to magical offense.

=o=

Anti-Magic Amulet - Deep blue, crystalline necklace given by Patchy in exchange for a blue dragon's bone. I should incorporate this into an outfit too so I don't freakin' forget it, 'cause it's real important!

STATS:

Sharply increases magical defense.

=o=

Cow Costume - Female clothing, of some description…? I think! S'freakin' weird, dude!

STATS:

Increases breast size by 25%.

Increases max health by 50%.

Wearer is immune to dispelling.

=o=

Autumn Dress - An actually sensible dress…! Looks like generic villager garb, except prettier and with brighter colors. Even aged, it's still bright!

STATS:

Wearer is immune to tiredness.

Wearer is immune to holy weakness.

Wearer is immune to stunning.

=o=

Iron Cross - Big World War II medal! Freakin'- holy shit…

STATS:

Randomly summons explosion backup.

50% bomb resistance.

Stagger immunity.

=o=

Officer Hat - Nazi officer hat…! I better not get a million angry letters for finding this!

STATS:

50% darkness resistance.

Wearer is immune to instant death.

=o=

Officer's Coat - Nazi officer coat, too! Oh boy oh boy…

STATS:

50% darkness resistance.

Wearer is immune to being cursed.

Slightly boosts defense and magic defense.

=o=

Toyosatomimi's Regalia - Dress of the Crown Prince... of all Taoism or something, I don't freakin' know!

STATS:

100% Dispel resistant.

100% Blinding resistant.

50% Sun resistant.

Gives the user Bravery, improving critical rate by 50%, and reducing enemy critical rates by 30% while active.

Vaguely boosts defense.

=o=

Toyosatomimi's Earmuffs - Makes it hard to hear when worn right. Has an awesome symbol on the sides! I... have no freakin' clue what it means.

STATS:

100% Silencing resistant.

Immunity to all sound damage, including Mandragora-tier screeching when worn properly.

=o=

Toyosatomimi's Cape - Miko's fancy ass cape. It shimmers in the light!

SKILLS:

May be set to three different colors, changing cape properties:

Purple Mode:

The Prince's Will - Passive which constantly gives the user Morale status, preventing them from dying when struck by a blow that would fell them in one hit if they're of high vitality. Stops even Instant Death, although the wearer will be on the cusp of death.

Red Mode:

Adaptive Combo Plus - Passively extends melee combo length on the ground and in the air by one.

Strength Up - Boosts strength somewhat.

The Prince's Strength - Boosts defense greatly.

Blue Mode:

Danmaku Plus - Each bullet fired has a 50% chance to be two bullets instead.

Magic Hastera - Mana regenerates 50% faster.

The Prince's Cunning - Boosts magic defense greatly.

=o=

Toyosatomimi's Panties - The prince's panties. They're purple and shiny...

STATS:

Improves movement speed slightly.

50% Dispel resistance.

Randomly grants Morale status.

100% Blinding resistance.

=o=

Reimu's Outfit - Shrine maiden clothes, dude. Holy resistant, but I dunno how much! Even comes with the bindings and tubes and ribbon 'n' everything!

Reimu's Ribbon - Man, that's cuddly looking. I need to hug Reimu now, dude...

Hakurei Arm Sleeves - No- teach me, how do you wear these!?

Remilia Scarlet's Mob Cap - Twenty five percent dark resistance. Legends say that if touhous do not wear this hat, they die dude.

Monk Robes - Doesn't really stack up to my other shit at this point! Wonder what I can do wit' it...

Gravity Boots - Boots that reduce the user's gravity! More like, propels them off the floor a little. Reduces the effectiveness of space statuses on the user. Really weird to control…!

==o==

= ►CONSUMABLES/OTHER:

Fifty two thousand, seven hundred Yen - Cash just got a lot smaller...

Four Health Potions - They give you youkai-like regen for like, thirty seconds! No chuggin' these babies to indefinitely survive the cold reaches of outer space. Unless the regen outdoes the asphyxiation, but I think I'd rather die by that point…

Mega Potion - Youkai-like regen for thirty seconds… except for the whole family! Applies to entire party. Good for when we all suck at life!

Four Mana Potions - Restores an average amount of mana, I think. More than enough for someone like me!

Three Panaceas - Cures all status effects. I dunno if it works on debuffs, though...

Akihito's Broadsword - Too big for me to use as a weapon. I wonder if I could use it as like, a tent stake or something.

Butterfly Dream Pills - Makes you dream of being a beautiful butterfly!... now, if only there was a pill for lucid or wet dreams, and then I'd consider Yagokoro the doctor to end all doctors!

Rope of Red Bikinis - Wahaha! Gonna getcha, son!

Some Fancy Key - A key lent to me by Brittany. Wha- why. What's it for…!?

Youkai Exterminator Badge - I still have this, dude! Yo ho ho! Allows me to not be considered a youkai by most guardsmen!

Yellow Star Gem - A star-shaped yellow gem. I really should've asked Patchy what this did…! It's shiny and luminescent, though.

Sweet Sleep Pillow - Doremy's nice cuddly pillow. Really soft. Random chance to survey you on pillow quality while you're sleeping.

Genkan's Sweet Sleep Pillow - It's also pretty poofy...

3DS - It's about time I recorded the fact I have a 3DS!

Another 3DS - Especially 'cause I picked up anotha'!

Picture of Sendai Hakurei no Miko Sleeping on her Side and Facing the Viewer while Drowsy - ...Yeah uh, what it says on the tin. Reimu must see this, dude…!

Masturbation Pillow - ...Genkan probably would've given me a look fer this, if she could! Wau…

Dark Knife - Where the hell'd this- oh, wait! This is the thing Genkan got from that fairy! She just slipped it in here while no one was lookin'...

Combo Technology - Red, orange and yellow piece of plastic and metal, about the size of a plant hanger. Not sure what the hell it is… but it looks pretty neat.

Wasp Stinger - Let the crap pile o~n!

Seventeen Rubies - Big, red gems! I really don't know how much they're worth, but…!

==o==

= ►RANDOM CRAP:

Tables and Furniture - Impromptu furnishings!

==o►o==

PARTY MEMBERS:

==o►o==

Genkan, the Yuki-onna - A bitter yuki-onna from Gensokyo's wildlands, mostly active in the winter, and on particularly cold days. Heals from ice damage. Commands powerful control over frost, and has a wide variety of ice-affinity attacks. Weak to fire and burning. Cuddly, dude...

SKILLS:

Ice Control - Freely use ice to make stuff. Inherent one hundred percent ice resistance. Negative one hundred fire and burning resistance.

Freeze - Instantly freezes one to two enemies. Low chance of working on stronger foes.

Creaking Freeze - Generates a spinning, magic snowflake in an enemy's body, which instantly freezes them after a moment. High accuracy.

Tundra - Precursor to Glacier. Weak spike of ice that serves more as a warning. Physical ice attack.

Glacier - Erects a massive blade of ice from the ground, dealing incredible physical ice damage.

Triple Glacier - Same as above, except with more sudden scope across more targets. Less accurate. More costly.

Ice Spin - Not the skill Brad thinks it is. Creates a ring of initializing frost around a wide area, with a high chance to freeze.

Ice Shard - Advanced ice magic. May freeze enemies. Creates ice magic in their body, and freezes the air around them.

Snow - Make it snow locally. Very minor ambient ice damage to everyone on the battlefield, including allies. Has a low chance to instantly freeze someone for no reason.

Yuki-onna's Embrace - Hug. Binds target close to her. Makes the target tired, severely lowers accuracy and magical defense, and makes them comfortable. Skill may only be performed by my kind. Negative facets reduced by ice and freezing resist. Someone with over a hundred resistance will be buffed and healed by it.

Yuki-onna's Entombment - Final, optional stage of the hug. Guaranteed instant death inflicted by the draining of vitality. Heals the user for the heat taken from the target. Does not work well on bosses or the instant death resistant. Instant death proc is nullified if the target's ice or freezing resistance is over fifty percent. Skill may only be performed by my kind.

INVENTORY:

WEAPON: Fans

BODY: Absolute Zero Kimono

MISC ONE: None.

MISC TWO: None.

MISC THREE: None.

RESULTING STATUS:

300% ice resistance

300% freezing resistance

-50% fire resistance [native]

-50% burning resistance [native]

==o==

Absolute Zero Kimono - A better version of the stock yuki-onna kimono. Outfited with new royal blue and cyan trims. It's fun, dude...

STATS:

100% percent ice resistance.

Effects vary when not worn by her…!

=o=

Two thousand yen - Pocket money.

Bagged Money - We still dunno how much Reimu gave us...

Peppermint - Yo- Genkan has candy…!?

Fans - Regular fans. Helps her spread out frigid air, but she mostly holds onto them for personal fashion, apparently...

Ninjas of Love - Novel? Yo- what...

Viking Rune - Reusable rune that summons a viking monolith. Whiterock was very brief, but apparently vikings were ancient warriors who hailed from frozen lands to the north. Once summoned, it greatly increases everyone's physical attack prowess, before firing a frost spark with massive freezing capabilities. Very costly to all party members. Uses two inventory slots.

[three spaces remaining]

==o►o==

Maria, the Actually Ordinary Magician - A villager from the human village. Sort of down on herself, and not very confident… but when she gains steam, she can be very determined. Resistances and weaknesses depend on equipment. Can cast basic elemental spells.

SKILLS:

Fire - Small, homing fireball of doom. May ignite foes! Doesn't do much damage.

Fira - Slightly larger homing fireball of doom. May ignite foes. Bursts broader than the preceding spell.

Blizzard - Spread shot of big snowflakes. May chill foes.

Blizzara - Big spread shot of myriad ice chunks, with magical snowflakes whirling around inside them. May freeze foes.

Thunder - Random spread of bolts in an area. Basic electric spell.

Thundara - Random spread of bolts in an area which explode on impact with the ground. May stun foes.

Charm - Boosts magical attack of self or an ally moderately.

Seduction - Skill that temporarily seduces a foe. Single target, and doesn't work well on bigger girls...

INVENTORY:

WEAPON: Pine Frost Staff

BODY: Casual Freeze Clothes

MISC ONE: None.

MISC TWO: None.

MISC THREE: None.

RESULTING STATUS:

75% ice resistance

100% freezing resistance

Slightly improved magical defense [native]

==o==

Pine Frost Staff - Made with pine wood and an icy reagent.

STATS:

25% ice resistance.

100% freezing resistance.

-50% burning resistance.

SKILLS:

Ice Shard - Advanced ice magic. May freeze enemies. Creates ice magic in their body, and freezes the air around them.

=o=

Stubby Rapier - A shiny, brass rapier. Imbued with magical energy, for spell swords.

STATS:

50% dispel resistance.

=o=

Casual Freeze Clothes - Casual, neon villager garb. Bright yellow shirt with a blue snowflake stitched onto the front, a bright blue skirt, and a tan vest.

STATS:

50% ice resistant.

100% freezing resistant.

=o=

Wood Staff - Training foci for magic. Not very good for much else.

Magical Lens - When coupled with magic, this lens shoots non-elemental lasers. Gift from Marcus Kirisame.

[Travel Bag] - Item that grants inventory by holding more items. Wahaha! Eight slots.

Two Mana Potions - Alchemical blends which restore magic energy.

Sabbath Pamphlet - Dark brochure imbued with instructional magic, and desires from a land far, far away. Teaches Seduction to mages.

[three spaces remaining]

==o==

Hana, the Electric Fairy Maid - Snuggly fairy maid companion…! Healed by electric magic. Immune to electric stunning, 'cause yeah. Weak to earth, poison and darkness. Quick to become ill from poison.

SKILLS:

Little Zap - Basic electric magic. Zaps a target twice with static from above.

Random Electric - When pressured, uses random electric spells.

Electric Control - With true power, she's able to stun opponents into submission by touching them.

Electric Elemental - 300% electric resistant. 100% percent resistance to electrical stunning!

INVENTORY:

Hana's Fairy Maid Uniform - Stock standard uniform from the mansion! Cyan-tinted in places to match her hair color. Hoh...

==o==

Seikatsu Kikai, the Human Salvation Robot - The mysterious, alighty T-posing robot! Aaah- aaa~h!

SKILLS:

Medibeam - A slow-healing beam, which takes a couple minutes to rejuvenate someone. Feels good to be targeted by…

Cloaking - Seikatsu becomes invisible.

Scan - Returns data on a foe, including name, biological info, stats and strategies. All of us can call on this skill.

INVENTORY:

Nothing.

WEAPON: Seikatsu Kikai Offense System V.2.11

BODY: Regenerative Skin Armor Augmentation with Limb Enhancement V.3.31.11

MISC ONE: None.

MISC TWO: None.

MISC THREE: None.

STATUS:

Immune to poison, stagger, stunning, freezing, syphon, silence, blinding, tired, seduction, confusion, among others.

-80% radiation resistant

-50% thunder resistant

-80% bomb resistant

-50% water resistant

200% holy resistant

-50% dark resistant

80% earth resistant

-80% magnet resistant

-30% wind resistant

80% fire resistant

80% ice resistant

100% poison resistant

100% moon resistant

==o==

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

hoh HOH HOH

taking ten million years to build all these equips has culminated in giving miko status effect hell and then stealing her clothes

they are actually pretty fun clothes however

I MIGHT GIVE THE PANTIES TO SOMEONE ELSE THOUGH

4k words of inventory guff

even if it doesn't hurt the chapter content- as it's all added onto the end after i type my 10 k + words per chapter- it's still INTIMIDATING INNIT

goddamn ff dot net, gimme the ability to make CSS menus and HTML and i will literally make cute looking menus- an ACTUAL MENU SCREEN DUDE

THIS INVENTORY IS ALMOST TWENTY PAGES plus this author's note

oh well

i got more and less done this batch than i thought! set some things into MOTION, lived a little with the fluffy friends, nuzzled some fluffs. . .

fluffs

aside from the fluff loaves, maria got that new spell too dude

and brad got the ability to switch clothes so it doesn't take a linebreak or ten years to equip different outfits

i was a little worried the prose and teaching situation would go on too long but y'know it's necessity; magic in this world ain't so EASY CHEESY

in doing so brad has obtained accessory slots, so there's more coherent logic to his little doodads and bullshit

and therefore reasoning for him to not just wear everything at once or always wear every misc

"why do his party members also have accessory slots and things" SAKE OF ORGANIZATION, and probably how they just look at it opposed to brad's SOCIAL STANDARD-DISREGARDING INSANITY

the randomization thing also helps him make use of all the random bullshit he'd never think of wearing otherwise

like the SUN BADGE dude

SO USEFUL

again gonna beg for criticism blah blah

aw yeah, this batch we also got into maria's head

she's soft

we also got to see what the inside of the bag is ACTUALLY LIKE

there's a bunch of awesome late-game remilia equips in there! and, brad cannot touch any of them…

but sakuya CAN DUDE

hoh

as always, see you all next time!