The sight of Sera curled up, the tears streaking down her face, the sound of her ragged breaths had broken me, when I had thought that there was nothing left to break. I hadn't thought, the moment I had heard her sobs, I had knocked on the door, shouted her name, breaking down the door had taken no hesitation. It would have been easier to use eather, but I hadn't been thinking, not at all, and she'd been crying, had needed me, so I hadn't cared when my knuckles bled, when the door had held for a few blows before shattering, but she hadn't even noticed until I had held her.
I didn't know what I had been expecting, but it wasn't what I found, wasn't what she'd said. I just want Ash back. I doubted that she even knew she'd said it, but it was the brokenness in her voice that had struck home, and it was the way that it had struck home that had me recoiling, reminding myself that she had planned to kill me, had planned to leave the Shadowlands leaderless and in turmoil, had planned to risk countless lives. But that voice inside kept whispering, she had been lied to, perhaps not deliberately, but she had been misled, she hadn't known any other way to save her people. I had seen the pain in her eyes, had felt it, felt her turmoil and anguish when her plan was revealed, but it couldn't be real, because if it was real, then it would hurt so much more.
I just want Ash back.
I just want Ash back.
I just want Ash back.
I just wanted Sera back. I just wanted the woman I had started to fall for, but I had lost her, and I couldn't get her back, because she hadn't been real, it had been an act, hadn't it? I had felt her happiness, the beginnings of love, it had felt genuine, and she had said that she didn't know I could sense emotion, it could have been just another lie, but it could have been true.
I didn't know what to think anymore, I didn't know what to do because despite everything, I was drawn to her, at the most unhelpful moments I would remember the taste of her blood, the sound of her laugh, the way she had felt curled up in my arms. I couldn't have that again, but I wanted it, I wanted it so badly that common sense seemed to vanish in her presence, and all I wanted was to forgive her for everything. My heart still wanted her, but it still bore the scars of her betrayal, the hit that had gotten past all of my defenses to strike where it had hurt, and all I wanted was to forgive her.
I rolled onto my side, desperate to banish thoughts of her from my mind, but there she was, smiling at me, the most beautiful woman I had ever seen, goddesses included. I forced my focus onto something else, tried to think of any of the issues Nektas had told me about earlier, but it was only her.
When I drifted into a fitful sleep, I dreamed of Sera. Flashes of images, Sera with a golden crown atop her head, Jadis sleeping in her arms. An image of her in my bed, flushed and sated, an image of her among my people. They flashed through my head, one after the other, but everything paled in comparison to the images that followed, the image of Sera, standing in the garden, her belly swollen with a child, the image of her walking, holding two red-haired children's hands, she turned to smile at me, and her words broke my heart yet again as the children, the boys, turned to face me, go see Daddy, it was what could have been, the future I could have had, my wife, my sons, but it was impossible now, those boys would never be born, Sera would never have a future as my Consort, because how could I keep my earlier promise to her? I couldn't keep her alive.
I jerked awake, forcing myself to take deep breaths, and buried my face in my hands, the bed-sheets suddenly feeling too hot as I kicked them off, throwing open the balcony door. Cold air rushed in, and the pain grew with the faint floral scent wafting up to me, a garden somewhere, where someone was safe and happy enough to grow fresh lilacs. That image of Sera in the garden, pregnant with my child sprang unbidden to my mind, and my feet moved of their own accord, back inside, out to the corridor and the broken door. Rhain started as I appeared beside him, having replaced Theon after I'd demanded a guard be set outside her room at all times until the door was replaced.
"She's sleeping," he whispered, "She hasn't stirred since I got here," I nodded, but I had to see her. She was calm, still curled on her side like when I had left her, the fear and tension that plagued her waking hours having left her in sleep,
"Let me know if anything changes," I whispered before slipping back to my own room, despite knowing that sleep would elude me. I paced back and forth, mind racing, but found myself leaning against the door separating our rooms, found myself struggling to clamp down on the flood of emotions roiling inside me, I tried again, and failed, finding myself no longer on two legs, but four, staring at the door with lupine eyes. I curled up on the floor, my head resting on my front paws as I stared at the door, half-hoping it would open, half-dreading the thought that it might.
