(in which we jostle the hostels)

Maria gives me a fluff loaf. I hand it off to Genkan.

Genkan sets the loaf on Ha-chan's head. "No."

...Ha-chan takes it, and nuzzles it, dude.

We're headin' on outta the diner! Restaurant? Eeh, I dunno.

After our chill-ass Scarlet Devil Mansion chill session, which was chilly, we're now here in the human village again! Ready to freakin' get stomped all over by the nine circles a' hell that're waitin' outside the door of this dimly lit, colorful food-eatin' zone!

thump. Aa- shit. Me and Genkan try to leave at the same time, 'cause I was paused in thought- but we just walked into each other instead-

Ha-chan walks into us from behind! "Unh." She makes little progress-

Genkan gently shoves me between her an' Ha-chan-

thump! Maria tried slipping out beside all of us, but Genkan's ass squished her into the doorframe! "Uu- uhf. Genkan-"

I move around Genkan's back ta to squish between Maria an' Genkan-

"Brad-" Genkan looks intimidated, all of a sudden!

"Guys- hold on-" Maria pries her staff between herself and me and Genkan's ass-

Ha-chan backs up, flies off the ground, and floats into all of us! "Yea~h!"

Me, Genkan, Maria and Ha-chan have managed to wedge ourselves in the door, in such a way that we're all stuck.

"...I'm-" Genkan shuts her eyes. "I'm not sure whose fault this is."

"It was Brad's..." Maria knows- oh shit! "What was the idea- getting between us…!?"

...As I give her an intimidated grin, Ha-chan starts to boogie while wedged between me an' Genkan-

"Enh!" She thrusts herself out from between all of us-

Grippin' the back of my collar, Genkan stops me from falling face-first into Ha-chan's ass, after losing my balance. "Hoh…!"

Aw. It's evening outside. Aah, man. S'gonna feel like an eventful evening, dude. A night on the town, wit' the gals yo.

It's a pleasant evening. A gentle snowfall makes the town even more black in the evening, but despite the clouds and the darkness of the torchlight all around us, there's a couple fiercely bright stars piercing through the uneven overcast.

Aw. I remember somethin' similar at one of my extended family people's weddings, or whatever it was. It like, rained but was sunset at the same time. Just the cloud over the house rained. I feel like somethin' similar is happening!

Fwi- click. Alright. With a cast of my costume-switch magic mania, I got Reimu's ribbon on, my camoumono- if it wasn't already on, I forget, and my gravity boots, dude.

...I grin at Genkan! "Y'think I'm ready fer a night on the town!?"

Fer some reason, she gets close and reaches around my head, feelin' at my Hakurei ribbon!

Gingerly, I turn around, and behold the big, open evening.

"Let's see…" Maria rubbed her own chin, hoistin' up her big cast-iron lantern staff wit' her other arm as she browsed into the midst of the road ahead. "Sanae wanted us to help out at the village, somehow. And… what do we wanna do?"

"...Sleep?" Genkan proposed. "It's rather late, for you two."

"No, yo." Screw the curfew! "We're exploring the nightly village, dude. We gotta find the night bandits."

"The night bandits…" Genkan considered the idea, dude. "While I'm sure there are criminals at night… hmmh." Then, she folded her arms. "I hate to admit it, but… counterarguments aren't coming to mind. Truly, human thieves are probably the least of our worries so far."

Maria looked skittish, though! "Then lemme ask-... Brad, why do you wanna find the night bandits."

"We gotta clobber 'em, dude." I must take out my pent-up aggression and energy! "...I also feel like we aren't gonna actually find any!"

"Ah." Genkan looks snug. "Random alley wandering is what you're proposing, then."

"...What if we get jumped?" Maria supposes. "By surprise. With poisons, or…"

...I give 'er a look. "D'you think villagers are competent enough fer that shit?"

"Uhm. Good point." Maria agrees! "Still…"

Aah. "We got Seikatsu fer that shit, yo. We need no fear no fear, no."

And so, we begin the gentle evening adventure. Amidst the fluffy snow, and the warm light, and Genkan's gentle… Genkanness. Y'know, even though we fucked, the sexual tension is still there…! Maybe s'cause my dick auto-revived. The cooldown's expired!

Y'know. There's a lot that I don't know about a woman's sex… mechanics. How's the female orgasm work. How's a clit feel compared to a stick!? How erogenous is the ass!?

Ha-chan turns to us, and holds up the fluff before me, so the fluffle's face… faces me.

I nuzzle my face against its freckles. Gentle fluff, dude.

snap, snap. Wat. Don't try to snap me. No~.

"Do you think the Human Village has strip clubs?" I ask Genkan!

"No." Oh. "We're going, now." Uh oh. What- why're ya pushin' me- where are you pushin' me-

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

"We should find an ice cream stand." I decide, as we mosey down some black-ass alleys in the dead of a weirdly starlit snowfall.

"...It's the middle of night." Maria brings up a good point! "I'd-... no. I don't think that's happening."

"Man. Night's more limiting than I thought!" I didn't really think about how many shops would be closed!

Ha-chan's maid outfit looks deformed, as she stuffs fluffles down the neck of her shirt to keep warm. "Nn-... nnhehehe!"

Genkan just notices this! "Hana- what are you doing."

"They're tickly!" Ha-chan looks giddy, for some reason! "Wo- woah!" Woah…!?

Y'know… "Are ya just findin' those off the floor…!?"

"Yeah!" Ha-chan- they're dirty, dude! Y'dunno where those fluffles have been!

We round a corner somewhere in the alleys behind the Golden Grin, and-

Oh. We immediately come upon a scene. Oh.

Eight dudes. Eight dudes. Hell- it's six dudes and two chicks, actually. No village guardsmen, they were villagers all standin' around one guy who's lockpickin' the back of a house.

"Aa-" Maria raises her staff! "Brad…"

A brown-haired, shounen-lookin' boy glares over at us; he's the lockpicker tryin'a get into this house's backdoor. "Who the-..."

"...Youkai."

"Kurumi. Do you think-"

"Shut up, idiot. We might just be better off just fighting them."

"...Is that-... the Hakurei's ribbon?"

"Are they all girls?" Wha- how. Did my ribbon make it that confusing!?

"Fuck. Uuh…"

"Haniko?"

"Nnn. On it."

Huh. Yeah, there's a lot of them!

An older guy and a young dude with navy-colored hair draw knives, purple magic flares up along the hands of a black-haired girl, an' there's this twin-tailed, cyan-haired girl whose hands flare up with Nickelodeon-colored light. I- I mean orange light!

I raise my hands into the air! "Yo, yo! What's good, yo!?"

The black-haired girl, Haniko, stepped up. She's in some kinda robe, but has some garterbelt on or some shit, and a warm undershirt. "Kneel down, and give us everything you have. Fuck with me- and you'll never think for yourself again."

...I look over at Ha-chan, who is now intimidated! I take a fluffle from her arms, and hold it out to this mage chick.

"Fluffle?" I grin! "It's a peace-offering, dude."

"frackledusters" It gets snug. "can i get a do-over"

fwam. What? Awh. The fluffle was consumed by an orb of darkness, which promptly disappeared.

"Hehehe!" Kurumi- the cyan-haired chick, bounces out towards us. She's in some sparkly pink and cyan outfit. "You're a dude, huh!?"

"Yeah, I'm a dude!" I gesture to myself! "An' who're you!?"

She held onto her two braided twin-tails, and crouched a little, to emphasize her boobs. "Your new girlfrie~nd, if you come help us ou~t."

If this was a month ago, tempting offer! But the opportunity has passed, son. "I'm growing boobs."

She blinked. "...Wh- I-... I didn't catch that."

...Maria's givin' me a look, dude! "Brad-..."

Genkan cringes! "Why. Alright- letting you do the talking was a mistake." Wahaha! "I'm afraid my boyfriend here is taken."

Kurumi blinked! "Taken? Ooh… what a shame!"

"I said kneel the fuck down." The black-haired woman gets aggressive! "Did I fucking stutter?"

"Uuh-" I speak up! "You did."

She meets my gaze. "...Fuck you." Uh oh. She holds her hand out at me-

FWAM! A flare of black meets my chest- and-... huh. Y'know, it doesn't hurt, and my kimono wasn't hit, but…

I hold open my kimono. Some of my chest flesh is gone, and I'm bleeding openly where my skin was erased. And- now it hurts…! Oh boy does that hurt-

Fwash! Fwoash! Genkan just splashes me with ice and snow, and my skin regenerates, as if the snow is just fixin' itself into my erased skin and becoming the skin again! Also, I glow with icy healing power, so on.

"Youkai…" Beaming brilliantly, the black-haired girl bounded up before us, her arms wrapped in magic! "Wanna bet your lives you can break me!?"

Bam! After slammin' the door with his arm, the guy pickin' the lock bounced away from it! "Fuck! I can't focus with all these idiots! Just kill them or- knock them out- or something!"

"Hold on!" Maria yelled out! "Why do we have to fight!? What do you want!?" ...Uh, y'know, that's a good question.

He gave Maria a really drained look. "We got kicked out of our fucking houses, that's what. So now we're taking what's ours."

Y'know, I like all the generic anime boys just chilling out behind the two magic girls. They really obviously don't wanna fight themselves, only having knives and shit.

"And-... Haniko?"

"Yeah?" Haniko's black hair swung around as she looked back at him.

"I think we're gonna start takin' prisoners." Uh oh, dude. "Pin 'em to the wall."

Haniko's irises flared with purple magic. "Nnn… hell yeah."

"We have a lot of money!" Maria- don't tell 'em that…! "We can just give you some!"

Kurumi pursed her lips. "...Sowwy~. Well, actually." She looked back at her cohorts! "Whadda you guys say?"

"Ca- capture."

"Kill the guy. Take the girls."

"Hmm? No- kill all of them. This's all their fault."

"Yeah- it's their fault- so rape'd be even better-"

"I-... what the fuck? You guys-"

"That settles it!" Kurumi held up her orange arms! It wasn't fire magic, either- it's some weird kinda orange kool-aid colored magic. "Knock-outs it is!"

...As the girls charge their magic, and Genkan starts to look opposed an' Maria holds up her staff, I seem to jerk back in surprise!

"Oh- shit!" I drop my jaw, hold my other arm to my chest to gain more definition to my voice, and yell more seriously than I have ever! "Reimu! She's here to exterminate us!" I point a finger behind them, while stumblin' back!

"Wha-" Kurumi tossed her head back! Half the generic anime boys did too!

Haniko wasn't as dumb- and neither were some of the dudes. But that don't matter!

Fwi- Click! Summoning Fallen Comrade into my arms, I reel the whole damn thing back, and-

WOOSH! I almost accidentally ram Maria in the head as I chuck it wide, into the air! Look at it go, dude!

Then, I hold my other arm out.

Focusing my mana onto the flying hanger, I- holy shit!

Jerking it around telekinetically, I guide it jankily- it's fuckin' bobbin', weavin', twirling through the night-

Haniko ducks under it! "What- the fuck-"

The lockpicker shounen boy turns around, glaring-

CLONG! Pfft- hehahaha~! The thing swooced into his skull, dude!

"Nghk- huck-" Dude, he ate shit super hard. Holy fuck. Flopped the fuck on his ass, then onto his back!

"Dude- I noobified 'em!" Hahaha~! "He's munted! An' worst of all, he's ugly!"

...Genkan's givin' me an intimidated grin! I grin back at her…!

Maria swallowed. "Guys-..." She looks kinda scared, for some reason! "Go all-out. They- they're trying to kill us and take our stuff." No, son. It's whacky woohoo pizza time, son.

Kurumi flares her arms out. "Are ya ready!?"

CHONM- CHONM. Weirdly textured noises come from her arms, as linear lines of orange flare out to Genkan and Maria-

"I'll break you!" Haniko held both arms out fer me-

Oof! I am in fact, forced into kneeling! Black magic clings to my limbs, dragging my knees and elbows to the floor-

"Huu-" Genkan ducks past the oncoming orange flare, and swings an arm out. "Freeze!"

CHO~MN! "Eghk-" The orange light becomes a flare of orange particles and energy once it meets Maria- "Kh- kaugh-" Oh. "Bwaa~h!" Maria threw up, projectile-style. Holy shit!

Fwash! Oh. Our enemies are arbitrarily immune to outright freezing- or at least, the magic sisters are.

Ha-chan floats up to the men behind the girls!

"Wh- fairy-"

"Fuck-" A guy tried to stab her, but Ha-chan was too fidgety, so he just missed.

In fact- oh, wow. Wow! Dude- everyone tried to poke her at once, but Ha-chan's somehow really good at making adorably tiny and sudden movements, so she just kinda accidentally kites like four guys into almost stabbing each other!

Haniko marches up to me, and crouches down. "Nn- hehehe… stupid boy. This'll only hurt a bi~t."

"You haven't even entered phase two, son." I grin back up at her.

Genkan moves to intervene on us-

SHUNK! Oh. Oh, holy shit.

One of the dudes in the back has a crossbow repeater thing. An arrow went right through Genkan's stomach, piercing her through it. Blood shot right out of her back.

"Nngh-" She braced her teeth. "Eee- aagh~!" Ow, huh.

"He- hahah!" Haniko giggled her ass off at that. "Get fucked, bitch!"

I have an idea. S'a good idea, son.

"Everyone!" I yell- as loud as I can, which is not very! "Thundara! Triple Glacier!" I think I see how ta undo the enemy party, son.

Haniko blinked at me.

Fwi- Click! I change into my nazi outfit- flick my gravity boots on- and summon One Million Revenants into my hands!

"Phase two, son!"

Unbound by the black magic, now immune ta it, I ascend in the cold evening, bobbing over the rooftops of the houses around us in one bound!

"Whua-" Haniko leaps back! "What-"

"Rrgh!" Genkan roars! "Lea~ve!"

KRING- KRING- KRING! Amidst the six dudes behind the girls, triple blades of frost erupt from the floor, upsetting their ecosystem!

Ha-chan leapt away from one- almost struck! "Aaa~h!" Yell, fairy, yell!

"Khk-" Maria's crying, snot running down her face, as she fights the orange affliction. "Thundara~..." She hissed out her spell-

I descend down, and as I make fer the black mage chick Haniko, I swooce One Million Revenants right down-

An' lemme remind ya right now- the thing's got a flail tip that passes through objects! It's also holy.

Spinnin' around, I sling it all-

WHAM! One strike right against Haniko's head-

THINK! Two-

THUNK! Three-

THINK! On the fourth hit- 'cause I get super fuckin' dizzy- I fall over mid-air- and slam the entire thing down onto her skull-

WHAMK! "Uuh- nn…" Wow. I fuckin' clobbered her.

Kurumi's jaw's dropped! "Holy-"

THWASH- ZAZAZAP! Maria's thunder rain comes down on all of them.

"Huuaagh-"

"Auugh- nngh-"

"Aaaa~gh!"

FWASH! Kurumi's struck-

Fwoash. What the fuck. Why'd she heal from thunder damage. You're not a thunder mage, what is this shit.

"Oooh!" Aw. Ha-chan's super-charged! "Zappity zap zap!" She reaches out for two of Genkan's ice blades, as the random dudes around her crumple from being jolted and-or stunned. Or just hurt…!

flick. Uh. Both blades glow fuckin' intense neon teal as Ha-chan grips them.

"Thunderbolt!" Maria yells out a spell- "Bwuh- guu~h…" Oh no…! Man- she just ate all that food, too!

KAKRAKA- THWASH! Uh. That met Ha-chan dead-on.

The glacial blades are now too bright to look at. Ice doesn't even conduct.

Fwi- Click. I change into my spaceman outfit, to heal from the oncoming doom instead of just get annihilated.

Genkan scoops up Maria, an' leaps back and away.

Then, a flash.

Kurumi's jaw drops. "What the fuck-"

THWAAAAAA-

...Ow. My ears.

FWOASH! FWOASH! FWOASH! Holy shit. I'm going to stay up so fuckin' late after this. I think I'm gonna have eternal youth after all this shit…! Holy overheal, batman!

BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! ...That was one boom, I think, but it just echoed too hard for its own good.

Oh, wow. Uh.

As the light faded, and I was able to see the stars and snow again, uh… pieces of dumpster and house wood rained down across the alley.

Kurumi stood there, a vague blush accenting her face. "Um…"

Oh, I found Haniko! She's fuckin' ragdolled in a recess in the dirt floor…! What a noob, dude-

clink- clunk. Wood bits and chunks of the ice blades Genkan summoned rain down, quietly making kinda hilarious tiny noises that accent just how stupid that attack was…!

thud. I turn off my boots, and land on my ass. I'm glad that attack didn't send me on a like, outer space program adventure.

...Kurumi gives me a ghostly look, as I walk up to her as a spaceman. Oh, right-

Fwi- Click. I switch back to the camou-mono and ribbon. Still got the boots on, though!

Oh. Wait- that was what the other explosions were! All the electricity arced back into the atmosphere, and fucking exploded the snow cloud overhead.

It stops snowing. Holy fuck. Now that more starlight is visible, everything's slightly brighter!

...I don't think anyone is dead. Amidst the charred bases of Genkan's ice blades, a bunch of noobs are crying, and half-lumpified.

Kurumi steps up to me. "Can I join your team?" Pft.

...I purse my lips. "No." Five's a crowd, man!

Ha-chan approaches us again, looking friendly and sociable. "...All my fluffles died." Uh oh.

fwii~sh. To accent the point, she pours a bucket of dust out of the inside of her maid outfit, just by holding it open.

...Genkan zooms up to me, accelerating! "Brad. Do that cleansing thing. Maria's not getting better."

"He- nnh-" Maria burps fer some reason. "Help…"

Pullin' out Fragile Flower, I do the get-better-dance thing. "Munancho." Hip thrust! Unh, unh, unh!

Fwi- fwi- fwish. I actually cast cleanse… but I still do a half-hip thrust, half-dance motion! The swooshes run up Maria's form and-

She inhales! "Aa~h…"

...Settin' Maria on her feet, Genkan quickly looks down at herself. Oh, right.

We both stare down the arrow lodged through her. Man, youkai can be tough, dude.

"Maybe we should see a doctor." Genkan decided casually. I like how unsure her expression is, too!

...Maria makes sure she didn't get any- or at least, too much, barf on herself. "Um…"

Can't we just cut off the tip and then pull it out? It was a damn clean shot, it went straight through her almost. You might need a precise hand fer that, though…

Creak. Oh. The back door of the house this whole battle took place behind opens.

"What-" A plain, brown-haired woman walks out. "...What the-...?"

Kurumi darts up next to her, yanks a piece of house siding off the floor, all torn-off from how Ha-chan exploded the clearing, and chucks it-

Thunk. The building piece bounces off the woman's head.

Thud. She promptly fell back inside, in her attempt to evade it, but was unable to avoid being knocked the fuck out.

"Yes!" Kurumi gets hype over that! "Fuck yeah." Then, she looks back at us! "...Do you guys buy humans? I heard like, some years ago, youkai used ta do that. Please tell me that still happens."

"You make me sick, and I want to kick you." Genkan hovers closer ominously…!

"Wha- hey- hey-" Genkan's 'boutta make good on it, too!

whump! "Ow!"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Genkan covers her own eyes with her hands, as Seikatsu slo~wly glides the arrow out of her abdomen.

"Keep your breathing steady." Seikatsu recommends. "Breathe in. One, two, three. Breathe out."

"This place's going to hell." Maria looked somewhat somber. "Seriously."

We're on a roof. Since Ha-chan can carry Maria around, and I can actually jump onto roofs with how good my quadruple jump is and how tiny the houses are, and Genkan can just fly, we uh…

We decided the roofs were more pleasant! Also, the weather noticed we undid it, so it fixed itself and it began snowing again.

"That was fun!" Ha-chan liked it! "...Um. Besides the part where you guys got hurt!" I'm glad that needed clarification…!

That Kurumi lady told us just living in the village was apparently gettin' a lot harder! She didn't wanna stick around though, 'cause Genkan was passively kicking her ass, sometimes literally.

...Aw. Genkan faced us, the arrow now out of her stomach. Seikatsu did basically what I expected; cut the tip of the arrow with the hook bit, and slowly glided the wood shaft out itself.

Man. Youkai regeneration's somethin', dude. Genkan takin' an arrow's like a scrape that can be bandaged; if I took an arrow to gut I'd probably just go lie down and cry afterward…!

I wanted ta suggest we remake the Kingdom Hearts box art, but all the Human Village roofs are freakin' flat and wood. Nothin' even that church-like in sight… well, there's one roof, but it's across town.

"I mean…" Really. "Dude, these roofs are so freakin' fragile- or at least they feel like it!"

Thump, thump, thump. I start jumpin' in place! "It's like- if I jump around in one spot, it'll just freakin' give under my weight!"

"...Ma- maybe you shouldn't." Maria agrees wit' me! "The floor's bending-" What, really? I dunno-

CRACK. ...She was half-right. It ain't bending- it's actually breaking.

...Givin' Maria an' Genkan a little spooked look, I grin and jump again!

CRACRACK- CRACK! "Ohp-" Oh shit! Uh oh-

I jump again- as the shitty wood floor caves in some and I'm consumed by it!

"Nnh- aah…" Landin' inside, I uh… oh.

Akihito's in here, dude! It took me a moment ta recognize him 'cause he looks so… generic, but I recognize that shota-man-boy-thing's face!

He's eatin' dinner. Aw, lad knows how ta cook, I think.

"Life has many doors- Aki-boy!" I leer at 'em!

"Aa-" He reaches for his broadsword, beside his couch. Yeah- if I already wanted you dead, ya'd be freakin' dead! Dude- it's taking him so long to draw it- "No!"

CLANK. He dropped the broadsword, 'cause lifting it with one hand was too much and it slipped out after the midsection bonked the arm of the couch he was on. Gravity stole it, and made it slide away in the most inconvenient way possible.

"Son." I hold out my arms. "Don'cha recognize me? I saved ya freakin' wife!" Was it wife, or girlfriend?

...It takes him a moment, but then he exhales. "What… aa-... you're Brandon."

What the fuck. "That's Brand to you, son. Fluffle Brand." I mean-... aaa~h! Brad's easier to remember than Brandon!

"Why'd you break my roof!?" He yells at me! "Aw, man…"

"Hey- s'not my fault yer roof's so breakable!" ...Uuh. Y'know, maybe I should've phrased that differently! "I uh, I mean- it was an accident!"

...Genkan gently floats down through the hole I left, an' I move outta the way so she can glide down into place beside me.

"Aaa-" Akihito's struck with terror, dude. "Aaa~h!"

Bam! Uh. Aki-boy throws himself back into his couch so hard he hits the back of his head against the top of it. "Uu- ow- ow," an' then he continues to be terrified! "What- what're you doing- in here!?"

...Genkan gingerly stares at him, as if not remembering him. Pro'lly 'cause she don't! But then- realization.

"Oh. ...You." She glares at him! "What luck we have."

Uh oh. "D'you guys still have beef?" I'd've thought they'd both gotten over it.

...Genkan gives me a look! "I-... beef? Brad…" Woah no! "I feel like you've said that before, for some reason."

"Beef's a synonym fer conflict 'er somethin', in some dialects…!" Easiest explanation!

"Oh." Genkan now understands! "...I don't exactly believe that." Wat. Now all her attention is on me! "What dialect synonimizes meat and conflict?"

S'an Albany expression…! But, y'know, that gives me an idea. "Think about it. Imagine a tribe, dude. A tribe of war, where fighting is sustenance, dude. To eat is to kill, an' to kill is to eat."

...Genkan gains a growin' smile! "I know the outside is bad, but I'm… almost positive you're entirely making that up."

I shrug super exaggeratedly, throwin' my arms out! "Alright- ta tell ya the truth, I ain't got the first clue why beef became slang fer-... social conflict!"

"Can-... can you guys get out of my house?" Akihito's super weirded out!

Awh. I hold my arms out. "Yo- hol' up. What's good, Aki-man? Aside from, uh, the roof. 'Cause it's dead." Lemme just fork up some yen, since I can just do that, even if the roof was pretty prime ta die with or without my interference.

"...I- I was eating dinner." He shook his head. "I wanna go to bed…"

Yeah, I know this's awkward and all, but uh, your roof just exploded. Fifty percent my fault, I know, but…!

"Here, son." I drop fifteen thousand yen on the table. "Buy yerself a gazebo."

...I look at Genkan. She's closer now, which is snuggly. "When am I getting my gazebo."

Aw, yeah. "I am the gazebo." ...I grin bigger. "Let's have gazebo sex."

...Genkan looks somewhere between bewildered and amused!

Maria pokes her head in through the hole in the roof. "Is-... is that sex in a gazebo, or-... or sex with a gazebo?"

"Sex as gazebos." I clarify! "Gazebo on gazebo combat!"

...I point at Aki-boy! "You get me, right!?"

He's standing, holding up his broadsword! "Pl- please go away." Uh oh…!

Wait. Hol' up. How's he got a broadsword, when… out of my bag, I draw the broadsword he gave me…!?

They're even the same model! "Oh my god, duu~de!" I freak out disproportionately! "It's the Barenstein bears bullshit, du~de!"

"I don't understand what you're sayi~ng!" Akihito's had it up to here! "I just-... I just wanna go to bed! Go-... go home!"

I point at the table. "I left ya money, son. S'that any way to talk to an investor!?"

He advances closer! "I- I don't care-"

And so, deadly combat begins!

He clumsily like, presses his broadsword into me, from a neutral stance.

CLANK. I have a lotta trouble lifting my own! I press it under his sword, and we just kinda… neutralize whatever the fuck we got goin' on. Not like it matters; we cannot swing this thing fast enough to possibly hurt each other.

"Aki- nnh- son…" This sword's probably half yer fuckin' bodyweight, Aki-boy… "Y'can't beat the mirror match, son…"

Wait. Idea. Oh my god, if this works…

I put my sword down on the table, as he slooowly reels his own back.

"Nngh…" Oh boy oh boy dude, what an attack he's windin' up. "Go~!" An' he swings!

I grab the big dumb sword part. Then, I pull.

Akihito flinches back, 'cause I steal the entire damn sword from his hands. "No! Give- unh!" An' I give it back to him- by thrustin' the hilt into his ribs! "Ow…"

"I think this is a home invasion, at this point." Genkan, uh, might be right actually. Oops.

"...Oh, yeah." Uh oh. "...Hey, Aki! Y'mind me payin' yer medical bills too?"

Akihito seems to have calmed down a bit after I freakin' bludgeoned him. "...Wh- why're you here? What do you want from me…?"

"We fell in the roof by accident." Genkan decides to actually advance the plot…! "I'm sure it would have given anyway, once the snow built on it. Was it always like that?"

...Then, Akihito took pause.

"Well… no." He looked down at the floor. "I- I just… moved in here. My family- 'cause of how the village's been acting, we had to sell our house and get smaller places. I um, live on my own, now."

The fuck's up with the village? I mean, I know this place is fuckin' timbucktoo, but I feel like there's a bigger economic problem now!

"Really…" Genkan looked pensive. "How… peculiar."

...I'm tempted to put away Aki's sword and leave him with the one he gave me an' see if he notices, but I think better of it. Let's not push that fold too hard…!

"This place didn't, um, have a roof." He shook his head. "I had to build that one… and I did it out of um, that plywood stuff we have lying around." Oh, Jesus, it's actually plywood. Straight-up. They imported fuckin' plywood as a building material.

...I've realized what we must do.

"Genkan," I turn to the snuggle-onna. "In order to get the next Spirit Orb for the heart container upgrade, yer gonna hafta break a stack of plywood with only your ass."

...Genkan gives me a casual look, after a second of processing that. "I don't really know how to reply to that, so I'm going to pretend you didn't say that." Wahaha!

Also, I face Akihito. "Did you build that roof outta plywood- or did you just lay a sheet of plywood over your roof?"

...Akihito looks a little indignant! "Ho- how else… do you build with plywood? Isn't that how it's supposed to be done?" Oh, no.

We gotta import my dad. He constructs the pylons and things. He works at Nintendo, dude. ...One of these details is a lie, an' the other ain't! Guess which!

Genkan stares at me expectantly, as does Aki-lad. What-... oh, boy.

"Ya don't fuckin' make a house outta plywood!" You freakin' noob! "I-... don't actually know what plywood's used for, but it sure as hell ain't in the final product!" Maybe like, scaffolds an' stuff.

I sidle up next ta Genkan. "Alright Genkan- repeat afta' me."

"...Um." She purses her lips!

Facin' Akihito, I hold an arm out, with one ta my chest. "Merry Christmas, loser…!"

...Genkan just looks displaced! "No." Whah. Awh… but I really wanted ta hear her say it!

"A what…?" Akihito doesn't know what Christmas is, which I consider an even more grievous crime than slapping plywood on the roof and calling it a day. "Well-... I- I don't know how to make a real roof, and I can't just buy-... hire a contractor. So I gotta make do…"

Make do, huh. Yeah. Y'know-

Creak. Oh. The front door pans open, an' Maria and Ha-chan just enter.

"You know…" Maria shuffles up ta us, and regards Aki-boy. "When uh- when the roof goes, you'll probably freeze to death. Or be crushed. Or both."

...Akihito's eyes widen. Wait- did he seriously not think of that. "Re- really?" Holy shit. Son.

I clap my hands together. "Alright. C'mon- come with me, Aki. Just- c'mere. We poppin' off, son."

...He blinks. "We what?"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

"Woohoo~!" We did it, son!

Conga-dancin', I very slowly progress down the dingy-ass dark alley next to the Golden Grin. Y'see, there's this broken slot machine I decided to stop and march a circle around!

...Ha-chan gives it an aggressive look, and slaps it!

Bo~ng- ZAZAP! Her touch energizes it, and its neon lights flare alive in one moment amidst the snowfall and darkness of the alley!

Akihito shivers, hugging himself as he watches me conga-dance around a barely functional slot machine in a shitty, muddy and snowy alley.

...Maria looks worried! "You lied about finding Akihito a place to sleep, didn't you?"

I'm forced to slow my conga dance. "Well- no! I just-... wanted ta take a detour, first!"

"If this results in us finding or obtaining anything, I'm-... I feel as though I'll lose some level of faith in the world." Genkan really wants to sell her exasperation! "I can feel it. You're on the verge of happening into something for literally no reason."

How the fuck would I even do that. I'm dancing around a slot machine at like, midnight. Aw, maybe it's a ritual, dude!

...Aw. Maria looks pensive herself, dude.

"Ya~y!" Ha-chan gets into file behind me! "Conga~!"

Aw dude. "...Hey, Maria! Come conga wit' us!" I think she wants to…!

"Um…" She backs away a little…

Genkan gives her a stare.

...Hesitantly, Maria looks ashamed, as she moves up behind Ha-chan. "It-... it's silly enough to look fun, so…"

"I'm judging you." Genkan judges her, dude.

"Come dance with us." Maria challenges her! "Be brave, Genkan."

"Again with that line." Genkan scoffs. "...Fi- fine. I can do so. Want is a different matter…"

Despite this, she gets into file behind Maria, and uh…

Yeah, we're doin' it! Soon, we form a complete revolving circle around the slot machine.

There's somehow another entire level of cringe and awkwardness when Genkan an' Maria join me! S'like I'm feeling the recoil for them!

Genkan dancing in her skirt and sweater before me is, y'know, goes without saying really: it looks pretty good. But also kinda goofy, 'cause she really has no idea what the conga is, and she's just tryin' to copy Maria's motions, whose copyin' Ha-chan, who's copyin'-... alright, I think I see where this is going wrong…!

There's a restraint, a slowness to Genkan's movements that emanates hesitation and embarrassment.

Akihito runs his hands through his face, as he watches the four of us conga dance around a broken slot machine.

"I- I feel stupid." Genkan announces! "This is stupid."

Maria giggles! "Th- that's because it is…"

"Yeah!" Ha-chan claps her hands! "Conga~!"

"Yay slot machine!" I nod big time!

...S'not long before Genkan bails! "This- this is too stupid…"

Awh. "But- yo!" I must persuade her to keep going!

"If- if you want me to try some manner of boisterous dancing, fine." Genkan decides. "...This conga thing, however, is random to the point of sheer-... it's not dancing, it's just wiggling around."

...I mean, she's not wrong! Particularly 'cause I don't know shit about the actual conga- I just march forward, clap my hands and boogie!

"Probably doesn't help that I don't know a single dance move ta save my life!" I hold up a finger!

...Genkan seems ta have a look of revelation. "Brad. You should attempt breakdancing with me."

Oh, hell yeah! Wait- breakdancing is actually super assfuck difficult. Genkan has it easy; youkai got super strength and flight and cardiovascular health. I can't even handstand without getting my ass kicked.

"I wouldn't mind tryin'!" I decide! Dude- the night fills me with energy, dude! Except when it don't.

"And what are you…" Oh. We have company, dude. "What are you… people, doing?"

The dude looks like a butler or somethin' from the Golden Grin, an' the dude's huge. Get a load a' this guy…!

He's a big man wit' big plans. I think he's a cow guy. He's like six-seven feet tall, maybe more I dunno, an' he's got huge brown hair, and curly horns on his head.

"We're dancin', here!" I inform 'em!

He nods, observin'. Yep, we are in fact dancin', dude. "...Very good. Then, how about you all go dance somewhere else? This isn't a place for the homeless."

What, awh. Wait… "Can we keep the broken slot machine…!?"

...He paused. "No." Son.

"Wha- why not." ...I try an' sound indignant, as I end up losin' eye contact with him 'cause I danced behind the slot machine!

When I'm back around the other side of it, he folds his arms. "Because it is ours. Our property is to be disposed through special methods. We don't need riff-raff like you trying to get your hands on it."

...Then, after he scans all of us, he sets his sights on Genkan, while she looks casual.

"However…" He seems ta raise a brow. "You there. With the ha-... the black hair." Ah yes, the hair.

She's more aware than I expected, and blinks a few times! "We're supposed to be in trouble, aren't we?"

"Perhaps." Big man leaned his head back. "Perhaps not. We could use a woman like you, here. What is someone like you, doing in a back alley like this? With skin so pristine, and an aura so… sharp."

Genkan furrowed her brows. "Use? What do you mean?"

"I mean a job." He clarified. "...Depending on how you look at it. Depending what you want out of it."

...Genkan shook her head. "Um. No. Sorry." We got too much cash, and uh, Genkan don't need money ta survive.

"Oh, come on." Big man held out his arms! "We will welcome you with open arms! ...You can have a pick of our male hosts. Other businesses are formal, but we let our hosts and hostesses… mingle, if you know what I mean."

Genkan is then entirely turned off. "I've heard about the Golden Grin's brothel-like practices before. I cannot say I'm interested."

...Then, big man smiles, dude. Folding his arms again, he shifts his posture. "You know what? I think you're lying."

Genkan glares. "What's that supposed to mean?"

I got an idea. Oh, man, I got an idea.

"Maria-" Once behind the slot machine, I turn ta Maria, and speak softly. "Cast stop on the slot machine…! It's really important!"

"Um… 'kay…" Quietly, Maria notices my grin, and starts to slip out her time staff!

While Ha-chan keeps conga dancin', I stare out from around the slot machine's edge!

"You know what I mean." Big cow man twists his head around, crackin' his neck. "What species are you? I know you are youkai, too. We'll see you fed here. Above that… you're a woman, aren't you?"

Genkan snorted. "Hmm. Imagine my surprise, meeting a damned beast such as yourself in this village. My body is not for sale."

"You speak like you know me." He smiled wider, dude. A real gladhander smile, son.

"I've heard stories. You…" Genkan began to step back, before turnin' to look at me. Then, she looked at him. "You'd break me, wouldn't you? A snow woman. People like you have accidentally killed my sisters in your pursuit of indulgence before." Wait- really? Hoh, shit. Guess that's a green light fer what I got in mind!

He closed his eyes.

"Stop." Maria quietly cast her magic on the slot machine-

KA- KLINK! ...The time magic itself is pretty loud!

Thankfully, he's kind of oblivious to whatever it is, only openin' one eye to see what happened…

Then, he resumes contemplatin', closin' both eyes... alright…

Here's my plan, son. This guy just has to stand here and not move for a minute or two.

Big man nodded. "Killed? I could see feral idiots doing something like that. It's not like you're any good to me if you're rotting. Such soft skin would do better with maintenance. You can't truly breed a corpse, either."

Breed, huh. This guy's tryin' the No Nut November challenge, I can tell! He's strugglin, dude! Wait, it's december. ...He's a really zealous advocate of Destroy Dick December!

Genkan keeps driftin' back, closer to me. "And who are you?"

"A host. A recruiter." He gave us a resolute stare, dude. "...Someone who knows how women work. What makes them tick."

From behind the slot machine, I flick a single gravity boot on. Oh- shit-

Fwi- Click! One Million Revenants pops into my hand, an' I hold the whack-ass base of it. Good ol' Market Gardener base, dude.

Y'know what? I'm just gonna describe what this thing looks like again, 'cause it's a freakin' mess. So basically, the hilt is orange-grey wood an' metal. It ends in a flat grey top kinda like a hoe, but… it'sa plant hanger!

Then there's Flandre's Escape Plan- which I turned inta Million Bucks by slappin' shit on it- just kinda there. Bottom's vaguely welded to the top a' Market Gardener, and the top's welded to~...

The Headless Horseman's Hanger! Or, uh, the like six inches of hilt that's there. Through the screw holes it has- 'cause it's a plant hanger, you gotta screw it into things- it's got a chain that connects Youkai Inconveniencer to it! Which is basically gold-silver shit shaped into a hanger.

Description over! Freakin'... man, dude. This thing's so fuckin' flashy!

Anyway- I've been spinning in place as I basically mentally jerked myself off over how stupid this looks!

The single active gravity boot's kept me twirling around for awhile- god I'm gettin' fuckin' dizzy…

CLANK! I smack the side of the slot machine I'm hidin' behind with the gold-silver flail bit of my super hanger!

CLACK! An' I just keep on doin' it, 'cause it phases right on through with each impact.

BONG- THUNK- BAM- CLANK- BAM! Soon, I'm leavin' huge dents in the metal with each curvin' swing, my infinite momentum laying into the steel of the machine somethin' fierce…!

"If that homeless bastard doesn't stop making a racket, I'm considering breaking him." The big man's gettin' real tired of my shit! "And-... what can I say? Your looks would charm me, snow woman. Yet, I'm not one to let women I fancy have room to breathe. ...I know you'll take that the wrong way."

CLUNK- BAM- WHAM- CLANK- BONG! Holy shit- this machine's takin' a beatin' man!

Genkan gives me a weird look, as I keep spinnin' in place- slappin' the shit outta this machine with a never-ending swing of my plant hanger! Spin to win, dude…!

Focusing on him again, Genkan finds her dramatic question, ooo. "Tell me-" She has to speak up to be heard over my racket! "Tell me- you wouldn't kill me…!"

CLANK- BAM- CLACK- BAM! Woohoo, noise! "Hah?" Cow man's not loud enough either! "...Hah!? I wouldn't kill you!" He shook his head, lookin' awkward! "I'd... domesticate you! Aa- as well as any woman- who is beautiful enough to deserve me!" Wow. My racket really ruined the delivery of that! "Will he stop hitting that fucking-"

CLANG- CLANK- CLACKACK-

The time magic ran out.

WHOOM. The entire slot-machine roars down the alley so fast I think it's just gone at first.

WHAM! It kicks off the ground and fuckin' smashes- just runs over the big dude so damn hard! Holy fuckin' shit…!

"Rughu-" All we hear's a freakin, lame but explosive wheeze come from where he was.

Genkan's throat emits an indescribable hybrid between a chuckle and a stifled laugh. "Wu- woah…"

Where'd he go. Oo- oh. He's like three houses down the alley now.

The slot machine rockets into the air, flippin' around like a Gmod prop- and the big cow guy is just fuckin' tubed, dude. Lyin' there, starin' at the sky and wonderin' what went wrong…!

...Genkan looks back down at me, as I spin along on the floor, limbs stretched out…!

"He- help! Oofh!" This- is actually really uncomfortable! "Oh- shit it's dirty down here-" Village alley floor bad for Brad! Oh fuck-

Genkan plainly bends over, grabs my leg as if it I wasn't spinnin' around like a freakin' angry starfish, and turns off the boot.

...Exhalin', I just lie there. "Tha- thanks…" I wanted ta say 'son', but another part of my brain was like 'that's your girlfriend son- of anyone to call son, that's probably the least apt person ta call 'son''...!

"No. Thank you." Genkan thanks me, dude. "I'm tired of beast youkai. My sisters demonize humans, and… that's probably somewhat appropriate. However, more attention needs to be given to these… animals. They're quite literally related to animals, even. They operate on instinct. Yet, they have the force to back it up. I've… well, I haven't known anyone who has been killed or raped by a beast, but… a sister-... sisters of mine do know such people."

Huh. Y'know- can't say for certain this jock was a super omega evil feral wolf or otherwise, but I can't say he was hubbub material. He was definitely really confident in his own attitude, if nothing else!

I get the feelin' there's ladies out there who'd love that kinda go-getter, dominant asshole persona, but… when I think about it, unless he's got more to him than that, he's kind of a one-trick pony, ain't he? Then again, people can be simple too, so~... I dunno, yo!

"How frequent does it happen?" Maria has ta wonder… "A- a yuki-onna dying. You speak like you've been traumatized, kinda."

Genkan isn't sure though. "...That's a good question. I assume infrequently. There aren't exceedingly many of us snow women as it is, and we live for long periods of time. We don't die often, but when there is a death, it ripples farther than even our actual social bonds do."

"As for trauma…" Genkan shook her head. "I too often horrify myself with thoughts about our scarcity. How- if I were to die-... well, before I met you three, I thought my memories, and who I was… I thought the world would destroy it effortlessly, despite how I lived, how much fun I had, or what I did."

Sittin' up, I start ta stand…

"Well, yo." Man, I'm all dusty now. "Y'got… me." Sayin' it makes me feel funny.

Genkan smiled. "...Provided, now I have to worry about more than myself. As do you."

I clap my hands together! "Existential dread, woo! Y'know- I get the feelin' that sorta thing comes with the whole Gensokyo thing. Wait-..."

Ah, shit, ol' outside life was kinda like that too, wasn't it? Just replace 'youkai' with 'random human criminals' and it's basically the same problem…! Espeically back in the medieval era. Freakin' highwaymen, dude.

"I dunno, man, mortality's weird." I'm tired of thinking about how we're all dying. "Hey, Genkan. Plywood."

Further down the alley, we find about twenty sheets of plywood all stacked up neatly.

"Yep." She agrees. "Ply… wood. What makes it ply?"

"It's ply." I explain. "...Freakin'- I don't even know what ply means. Pli-... able?"

...I look back at Maria. Her head briefly dips forward- as if she was about to start dozin', 'fore she catches herself! "Mmh…" Aw. Maria's sleepy.

And holy shit I forgot Akihito was here.

He looks somewhere between dead, jaded, and depressed. I think we turned him into an Akihito-cicle. Wait- shit, yeah, he doesn't have ice resistance of any sort, and we do! I can't believe I accidentally Chinese ice tortured Akihito…!

Well, he can wait. If he dies, Maria and Ha-chan can defibrillate him.

"You know what ta do, Genkan." I point at the plywood. "Ass Smashers, twenty-twenty."

"What." Genkan grins! "...Oh. Oh, hell." Pft… "This is in reference to earlier, isn't it?"

"I got a good reason this time!" I hold up a finger! "It's Golden Grin plywood, dude. Real important stock, I'm sure, yo."

"...I don't know if my butt could actually physically break this whole stack." Genkan had doubt!

"The real question," I give Genkan a good broad smile, dude, "is if ya wanna try an' find out."

...Genkan's on the fence, man. I must push her over, ass-last. "Pass the ass test. Pass the test or pass away…! Pass ass, in the grass lass."

"Incoherent Brad noises don't qualify as argument." Genkan kicks my ass…! "But…"

Lookin' somewhere between begrudged and pensive, she floats up over the plywood stack…!

Maria looks woesome, dude. "Are you really gonna try..."

"Shush." Genkan gives a big smile back!

thump. She sits real hard on the plywood.

"...Hmm." Then, she blinks slowly. "Stacked wood is perhaps stronger than you'd anticipated."

"Aw, yeah, I bet." Plywood or not, stacked sheets of shit are fuckin' strong!

Bam! Genkan tries again, and winces! "...Maybe hitting myself against it isn't the right way of going about it." Somehow, I think her ass took more damage than the plywood.

"Give yourself an ass spike." I suggest…!

...She gives me a fluffy look, before floatin' into standing.

crack. Gently and chunkily, the plywood splits evenly in half, frozen down the middle. "Tada."

"Aw…" She cheated, dude. That's pretty neat lookin', though.

I come up, and examine the even, crystalline cut. S'kinda hard to see, 'cause it's so dark, but I think the vagueness makes it better, dude. Lets my imagination help out!

Wait, what's this shit on the floor…

Bendin' down, I pluck some garbage from a recess in the dirt under the plywood. It's a… heart-shaped, gold container, but the red juice inside is fuckin' glowing. Is- is this radioactive? Oh god…!

"Yo- what the hell's this…!?" I stumble back, holdin' up the heart-shaped container…! Wait.

"Uu~m." Maria gives it an awkward look! "Good question…" Man- where's Patch when ya need 'er!?

"It looks dangerous." Genkan comes to my conclusion! But, also…

This shit looks like a heart container. Why was it just smuggled beneath this plywood, though? There's dirt caking the ridges between the gold details of the jar, and the glass itself. It's only somewhat filled wit' red juice, though. As if someone's already taken a swig of it.

"i have morale"

Next to us, a fluffle looks ginger and broad. It flares green for a moment, gaining morale as it stands casually.

...Genkan gently tips it over with her sandal, and it falls on its back an' starts wiggling around.

Wait. I know who to ask about this. I almost forgot she existed until now!

Snappin' my fingers, I move! "We're goin' ta see Achoo, dude."

Akihito exhaled. "Du~huhude…" That was more of a whine than a call-out…! Akihito's dying, dude. "Help me out…"

"Hol' on, an' just follow us!" I start movin', an' wave for him! "I'm gonna bake you fluffles, when we get there."

"Nngh…"

...Wait, yo, dude.

I turn to Genkan an' raise a finger! "Let's saw off one a' that dude's horns!"

...Expression unchanging, Genkan gently drifts into me an' starts pushing me off the map. "Let's probably not do that." Uh oh. Man, she's soft. Also- now that I think of it, yeah that probably isn't a good idea…!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

"It would've made a good stocking stuffer, dude!" Also, that cowboy youkai man thing would've grown it back, probably!

"I don't know what youkai horns are useful for, and to be honest, I don't think I want to." Genkan shook her head…!

Anyway! Here we are, dude. The front a' Akyuu's manor home. Home of waffles and fluffles, both things that are quite fluffy, easy to sniff, and also easily challenged.

"I'm gonna challenge you." I inform Genkan.

"You would lose." Genkan immediately follows up…! "Sa- save that sentiment for bedtime."

If I think about that too long I'm gonna get a boner, so I'm not. Wait. Idea. "I know how we're gonna get into Achoo's ghost mansion."

Maria snorts. "Gh- ghost mansion? I-... I think the Scarlet mansion's more of a ghost mansion, to be honest…"

I pat Genkan on the shoulder. "Follow me, fluffy. We're gonna bamboozle 'em, dude. An'- an' just Genkan! You guys wait around the corner here- unless things get dangerous."

"Aa- achoo." Akihito's eyes are watering from the cold and wind. "Hurhy- uhp…"

An' so, me and Genkan casually stroll on up to the two men in front of Akyuu's gate. Aw. I remember callin' 'em gay. That was a fun time…

Anyway!

...We quietly stand before the guards. Soon, their attention is obtained!

"Y'see," I hold my arms up. "My wife has tuberculosis."

...No one says anything.

"It hurts." Genkan monotones. I'm not sure if she knows what tuberculosis is!

"Wh-..." This old guard on the right furrows his brows. "Well? Don't got any doctors you could use here."

Let's test their knowledge! "Y'see- youtuberculosis is a rare disease, an' no one we've talked to yet even knows it exists. So I wanted ta see if like… the chronicle a' Gensokyo knew. I dunno where ya get a copy, but I figured this'd be a good place?"

"We used to own a gazebo." Genkan, what's with you an' the gazebo joke…!? "We had to sell it for medicine, but it hasn't worked." Oh, man.

"Ah…" The old guard actually looks kinda sad. "Well-... alright. Go on in." Wait- how're we getting the other people inside.

The other, plainer guard dude stands back, as the old guard draws his key an' unclicks the gate.

We're allowed inside without much huss, an' uh… yeah. We're in, like Flynn.

...In the shade, in the background, Ha-chan and Maria are already inside, watching us step onto the main path, which's lit up with these little candle-lit lamp posts. Neat…

Also, I thought gettin' in wasn't that easy! Did Ha-chan just carry 'em over no problem- y'know what, I won't ask.

There's a distinct lack of Akihito, however.

"Dude." I face Genkan, in the midst of the walkway up to Akyuu's oriental manor. "Macadamia fluffles."

...Genkan smiles, dude. "Um…" Awh.

Oh. That's where he is.

He tries to walk in through the front gate as if it's just fine an' dandy, and the guards halt 'em "Hey-" Akihito commences the negotiations, dude. "Guys-... um- I've got a um, job to do here-"

"Beat it." Uh oh. They ain't havin' it, dude.

"What job? There are no expected guests at this hour."

"Uum…" Wh- oh boy. Akihito lied out his ass without havin' a plan, and not in the ironic way…!

Takin' in the gentle snowfall, Genkan slowly closes her eyes. "Perhaps we have lost him to the recesses of time. Let's keep going, Brad." Uh oh. Akihito died in the wilderness, assaulted by fluffles and kedama.

Maria walks past us! "You guys're evil when you want to be."

Genkan snorts! "I feel like that's hypocritical, coming from you. Yet, I can't actually place why. I just… feel so."

...Pursing her lips, Maria nods back at her! "I- I mean, you'd be right, but…"

"Stop! Stop!" Maria thrusts her time staff up-

KA- KAKLINK! Ooh. She froze both guards in time…!

"Stop's so freakin' broken." I shake my head! "Aw, dude. When's Maria learn the spell that targets all enemies on Earth."

Genkan quietly chuckles. "...That- that sounds too good."

...Akihito doesn't know whether to walk inside or not, so Maria helps out! "Get- get in here! C'mon!"

So, he does! "Aa- alright…! Alright!"

Now that we're here, in the midst of Akyuu's snowy lawn… we can be snug.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

...Akyuu looks unenthused, as Ha-chan snuggles her without abandon.

They're cheek to cheek, and Ha-chan looks loafsome. "She's waa~rm…"

Man, Akyuu's study really gets me in that Christmas mood, dude. Startin' tomorrow, only two days 'till Chris Cringle opens up a new can a' Pringles…!

"Hey, Akyuu." I wave at her. "When do I get the move that attacks all enemies on Earth…!?"

"This human needs a place to stay." Genkan gestures to Akihito! "He has tuberculosis."

"Um…" Maria has a fluffy and lazy look, not expecting Akyuu to wanna reply anytime soon…

Have… I met Akyuu before? I don't think I have. S'not like I ever really had a reason to talk with her.

Wait! I-... have, technically. We saw each other at the village council meeting! We were in the same room! We didn't really talk to one another though.

"Who are you people." Akyuu's in her pajamas! I dunno what she was doin' at her desk, but she ain't doin' it anymore!

"I'm Brad from accounting!" I, uh, wait. "Wait, no, I'm Rusty! From the village council! I represented the fuckin' noobs."

Akyuu giggles in slight incredulity! "Wh- what? I-... wait." She sees my hair. Behold the hair, son. Women always remember the hair, dude. ...Amendment: Genkan always remembers the hair!

Then, she pushes Ha-chan off herself. "Get off… and, um…"

She addresses our points one by one! "I- I don't think such an attack exists. He- he has tuberculosis? We have a room I guess- and…"

There wasn't actually that many points, we just assaulted her with them all at once so it seemed like a lot! "Why come here particularly? I don't imagine getting in was easy…"

"It was actually very easy!" I provide! "...We also need somewhere to sleep! An' we also need some really cool roofs to sit on. Also, uh, what the hell's this?" I take out that heart container we found on the dirty alley floor.

"You can't just step in here and decide to sleepover. I don't know you." Akyuu provides some sound logic! "And-... if you had nowhere else to go, you could've just told the guards. We-..." She takes a moment an' rubs some crusties outta her eyes. "We do try and help out those who are caught by misfortune. Honest people, who are caught by misfortune."

"...Mmh." Genkan stares at the floor.

Maria exhales. "Well…"

Hol' up, yo. "In fairness- a big chunk a' the village does not reward such honesty! An' I figured y'know, talkin' to you would be more direct than like-" considering Akyuu's staff is probably handpicked, let's not badmouth them too hard, "sleepy Joe an' snorin' Sam. Not that they were sleepin', but they looked, y'know…"

...Akyuu pursed her lips. "And what about-... them?" She gestured to Genkan an' Maria… and Akihito.

Oh, wait, shit, I got this. "I'm Sora." I grin. "This is Donald-"

"Maria." Maria speaks up! "I'm Maria…!"

"He's Goofy." Genkan gestured to me! "I'm-"

"Are we going to jail?" Akihito asks outright!

...Genkan smiles. "I- I'm Genkan." What was the smile for…?

She leans closer to me. "I was about to say 'I'm gazebo', but…' Oo- oh!

Maria comments quietly. "The virus is spreading." Uh oh.

Akihito opens his mouth. "I-"

"He's Grenada." I nod, and use my thumb to gesture to him. "He brings the gondolas. Show 'er, son."

...Akihito- man, I dunno how to describe that expression even! It emanates 'shut the fuck up' energy…! "What?" Pfft…

Akyuu nods wistfully. "Alright. Sora, then…" Wait oh shit- I never said my actual name- "You want… you and your friends to stay here the evening, right? Why?"

I hold my arms out. "We're actually homeless. We squat! Well- actually, Genkan owns a cave… well, 'owns'. It's her turf, I guess-"

"Wh- Brad… or, Sora, I guess." Genkan gives me a mixed look. "I don't think we're trying to- you know… what I am… yes?"

Oh, right. Aah, I think Akyuu's cool with it though. If not, we'll literally just go back to Genkan's place and chill out in her cave. Pun unintended, goddammit! It's legitimately too fuckin' easy to make ice puns!

"We gotta protect the world border." I salute Akyuu! "Or else Saturn's ring'll fall off, and-"

"She's a yuki-onna." Maria cuts the bullshit!

Genkan fluffs up! "Maria-..."

Akyuu blinks. "...Is this some kind of celestial's prank? I refuse to believe the three of you are humans." Wait, does she not believe Maria. Oh, shit. I can't believe we fucked the timeline.

I gesture to Genkan. "She's actually a yuki-onna, though."

Genkan nodded. "I actually am."

Akihito agrees even! "He- I mean- she is…" Did you just call Genkan a he. I will kill you, son.

Akyuu leaned back, looking oddly bossy for a small and adorable woman. What age is she again? With her brain of ages, does it matter? I have so many questions! "Prove it."

Genkan snorted. "...Okay."

FWASH! She froze me solid. Well, as solid as she could, with my camoumono on.

Fwish. The ice all around me was dispelled in the next moment.

...Maria looks around. "Can I borrow a paper?"

"Um. Sure." Akyuu looks idle…

Maria takes a quill, inks it, and brings it near a single, notepad-like sheet of parchment. 'Cause uh, Akyuu has three kinds here: notepads, an' scrolls, and books. I assume the loose-leafs are just random garbage and notes!

She draws some moon runes. Ah, damn. Illiteracy strikes me again, dude.

Maria shows it to Genkan, then comes closer to her, holding it near her. Genkan floats away, looking doing that cute motion where she casually appears spooked and then retreats.

"Ah. 'Fire'. Cute." Akyuu smiled at the-... joke? Wait- that moon rune was for fire. She held 'fire' up to Genkan, ahah, ahah. "Considerate of you, I suppose."

"Yeah-... yeah, it was." Maria nods! "I'm a mage, so I could've actually, mmh…"

...Akyuu unconsciously clasps some of her notes. "Awfully considerate, then." Akyuu fears the fire too, dude. As she should, maybe.

Then, she centers her gaze on Genkan. "I just-... it's awfully hard to believe. I just don't believe you. A yuki-onna wouldn't be here in the village, accompanied by what seems to be humans. Unless…"

I shake my head. "I'm a fluffle."

"We're humans." Maria corrects me!

"Yeah- this doesn't make any sense." Akyuu shook her head. "Yuki-onna are primarily loners. Some are violent, others are kind, but they're distinctly distant from humans at any rate. And, you three are… friends?"

"Mostly." Genkan brings up! "...Me and Br-... Sora. We're lovers-... we- well, boyfriend and girlfriend. Um." Whelp, you heard it boys. Sora's a dead man, dude.

Akyuu slouches. "You three are making this really hard to believe…! And, who's he, then? And her?" She gestures to Ha-chan, who is looming over her…!

"He," let's start wit' the Akihister, dude, "is some random freakin' bumfuck shounen protagonist I found about to freeze the fuck to death." Inhale! "Y'see- his family had to sell their home in the recession or whatever the fuck happened- not gonna lie, I wasn't payin' any attention-..." Inhale…! "Yeah! Aw- an' I told 'em we could crash wit' us… but the catch was- we didn't have a place ta crash either!" Ho ho ho!

"Hana's nice." Maria supplies. Aw, yes dude.

...Once my breath returns and my stamina bar replenishes itself, I point at Ha-chan! "Ha-chan is a fairy friend. She's awfully snuggleable, and quick to hug."

"...I- I see." Akyuu's experienced this first-hand! "...And she's really a yuki-onna?" She won't get over Genkan's existence…!

"Must I be offended?" Genkan shows some of her icy side, perhaps in an attempt to convince her. "I-... may not be wearing my kimono right now- but I am a snow woman. I have 'sisters', too. Not biological, but similar in-... you know."

Akyuu pursed her lips. "...When did your mother leave you?" The quiz begins.

"The age of ten. Somewhat later than usual for us."

"Were you an only child?"

"Yes."

"Eating habits?"

"Heat and soul."

"Heat is stored in what organ?"

...Genkan looks puzzled. "How am I supposed to know? ...Heart, maybe?" Pee is stored in the balls. Cum is stored in the brain, son.

Akyuu snorted. "...As a spiritual energy, would it not be stored in any organ?"

"That has to be incorrect. It rests somewhere, after all." Genkan theorized. "After all… youkai are of a spiritual inclination. Right?"

"Right, right." Akyuu nodded. "...How do yuki-onna regard humanity?"

Genkan flicked her gaze up. "Yes, yes. Disdain, anger, disgust and fear. Beast youkai too. Sometimes fairies with anger and annoyance. My relationships among this… party, are an exception. Brad here is an exception."

...Then, Akyuu draws a miniature notebook from her desk, folds it open, an' draws that quill she let Maria use earlier. "How is-... wasn't his name Sora- how is Brad here an exception?"

"...He's cute, and kind. Smart, when he feels like it. I just-... I feel like we know each other. We've connected more than I have with most of my sisters. Our relationship is new and exciting-... and, even when it becomes the status quo, at some point, I-... I want our love to endure."

...Akyuu makes a little expression, and starts scribbling! "I- you know, I've heard of yuki-onna fables before, but this is kind of ridiculous…"

Genkan snorts. "You'd probably say that a lot, if you knew us."

Lookin' up at us, Akyuu has a slapdash smile. "This is a rare opportunity, though. I haven't managed to speak with a yuki-onna on even grounds in… quite some time. So, for that reason, you guys can stay tonight. And-..."

She sizes up my ribbon, and camoumono. "I might have some questions for these weirdos, too."

"Hey." Maria objects! "I don't think I'm that weird." ...She looks down at her yellow shirt wit' the snowflake on it.

Akyuu nods. "You're associated with this couple I'm not entirely confident actually exists, so… you're weird. But, um..."

I place the heart container on the counter! "I still want ta know, yo. What is this…?"

...After givin' it a look, Akyuu seemed weirded out. "Uuh. That's-... that's a potion."

Wow. Never woulda guessed- that soft red glow and all. "Is it, now…"

She detects my internal sass, an' gives me a begrudged grin! "Yes, it is. It's-... well, it's complicated. I think that's the old Hakurei experimental design for vitality-extending elixirs. It looks a little new, but it also seems like the models I've examined before."

Vitality-extending? "The heck's that supposed ta mean. Does it refill my stamina meter…!?"

She gives me a weird look! "...Um, no. It makes you hardier, less likely to die. It's made from the shoulderplates of youkai, their heart tissue, and from some of their soul as well. To my knowledge, it… makes you closer to a youkai existence, in a way. The Hakurei only made a very limited run of these, back when their clan was still a thing. They were produced mostly by the second Gensokyo-bound Hakurei maiden."

Ah. So, it's actually just a heart container. Kinda makes sense it was lyin' around the Golden Grin, considerin' the shit they get up to there.

"Why… shoulderplates?" Genkan wanted to know!

"The shoulderplates produce blood." Akyuu clarified. "Both in most youkai, and humans. This elixir is, in essence, made from that which can produce a youkai's vitality."

"They could probably easily be made today," she went on ta explain, "but, you'd have to actively kill youkai to make them. Extract their shoulder plates, hearts and some of their souls, and mix it into a concoction. I don't know how much heartier it makes you, but… considering it was used towards the end of the Hakurei's lifespan and failed to save them, I don't think it was that effective."

Sounds like some underground shit! "And, uh, if we didn't wanna murder people for 'em?"

Akyuu smiled. "Hope there's more where they came from, then. 'Cause, in my experience, I don't think there are. Where'd you find that?"

The floor! "...The floor of an alley?"

She furrowed her brows. "Re- really. Near where?"

Ah, right. "Golden Grin."

She flicked her gaze up. "...Well, of course."

"I just realized." Genkan spoke up. "We only found it because I tried to use my butt to break a stack of plywood. I had feared we would find a secret because of it- and we did."

Maria withers where she stands! "Damn it."

"Woohoo!" I hold my arms up! "Brad, one, overworld secrets, zero!"

"Great." Akyuu monotoned. "Alright-... um. I'll have a maid wake up and show you all to your rooms. Um… snow woman. Do you wanna sleep in the same room as Brad?"

"We- well, yes."

...I turn to Genkan, and she's closer. Close-kan. Aw dude-

Woah!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Two days until Christmas, son. It's gettin' close. It's gettin' real close, du~de!

I spring out of bed-

Oh, no I don't. "Nn- oof." Ha-chan is just there- and she grunts a little when I inadvertently whump my ribs against her face-

Genkan's weighing down my other half. "...I- I see you're awake."

How'm I trapped already. I try to move- but Genkan doesn't let me…!

Son- don't make me use another linebreak so early, the day just started. "Genkan-..."

Wait- hold on now. Actually, idea. "Yo- Ha-chan, are you awake…!?"

Genkan idly puts a hand on, uh, okay. "You're aroused. You were in the mood before you even woke up." Uh oh… "Were you dreaming of me?"

"Ma- maybe." It's morning wood- don't tell me ya don't know- she doesn't know does she. "Ha-chan-... sexual tension stop!"

"...Mmn." Wait, uh oh. Ha-chan opens her mouth, and yawns. "Hauuu~."

Yeah, I uh, forgot about that. God- why's her breath smell like chemicals…!? Yet, the yawnin' face is so cute! Aaa~h!

"Actually." Genkan takes pause. "This is an opportunity." Is it. Is it really, though. Wait- what kinda opportunity. "Hana?"

"...Hi." How snug.

"You don't know what sex is, do you?"

Oh no. Genkan.

"I don't!" Genkan.

"You love Brad too, don't you?" What's the idea, Genkan.

"I do!" Ha-chan nods against my chest.

Me an' Genkan are just, uh… we slept in our undies the other evening. Apparently Ha-chan got the memo, and is also in her undies. I do remember her sayin' this was like, her favorite state of dress.

"Even though you're so… incoherent… you want to love him, don't you?" Genkan hugs me closer. I feel like a lump.

"I- I do." Ha-chan sounds more resolute now.

"...Then," Genkan starts to shift. "If you insist on being present…"

"Watch and learn."

An' then I'm buried. It was an avalanche, dude, what a disaster. Not a soul was left alive, dude.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I enter the dinin' room of Akyuu's weird mansion place! Ah- shit, we never got to pose on the roof. Well… s'not like we have a camera anyway. Wait- we have my 3DS camera! Da~mn… oh well.

Genkan's on my back. I'm givin' her a piggyback ride, dude. Well, she's using flight to exist without crushing me, but the vague amount of weight she is putting on me is almost kicking my ass…!

This was Ha-chan's idea, dude! Aw, man, the morning light makes all these windows throughout Akyuu's manor look really comfy. It's a bright sunny day, and all the snow outside is glazin' the ground a piercing neon white.

Ha-chan is harassing me as I attempt to mosey into the dining room here! "Freakin'- get outta my way-"

Ha-chan's like- trying to hug me from the front and keeps stickin' her face under my arms- I'm gettin' molestigated!

"But you smell so good." What the fuck! "Brad-ku~n."

"...I think it may've been a bad idea to have her watch." Y'think, Genkan. Sometimes- I'm not the only one with batshit ideas…! That was incredibly cursed! And- kinda hot- but-

When we reach the table, Maria's giving us a vague look. Uh oh. She knows, dude. She just knows.

We stare at her, with small expressions. Ha-chan hugs onto me, and nuzzles my chest. "Mmm- nnn…" She's freakin horny.

"Hey, guys." Akyuu's here! "They're making pancakes!" Woah! She's really excited!

Akihito got to stay the night, and looks a lot happier with life now. "Pa- pancakes?" He does not know of our sin, because he does not think.

Maria speaks. "What the everloving heck did you guys do-" Woah no dude she knows man she knows-

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

NEW ITEMS (BRAD):

Quarter-filled Heart Container - Hateful, bloody elixir forged of a slain and exorcised youkai's vital parts in an era of conflict. Extends human vitality on consumption, and distances them from humanity as a result. A slight but permanent boost to max health and regeneration. ...It's only a quarter of a bottle. It wouldn't be wise to drink it as-is.

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

11k word chapter, here we go boys; not quite the assfuck the last batch was!

might adjust chapter sizes later if i feel it's too munted, bu~t this is fine for now; may or may not elaborate in passing

too much fighting this chapter? hmm, dunno; i think it's a decent amount and the action's got enough chaos and whackiness to be fine

might be kinda whiplash after the last few chapters though, but i think it does a good job in illustrating how far above standard human noob bands brad's party is now

...that, and the fighting's got kind of an overarching purpose! but-...

fluffles are nice, dude