(in which we heet the yeet)
The motherfuckin' Halo theme intensifies, as I hold a ladle before Akyuu's face, with the handle part hidden inside my sleeve. "My chaos sphere… it rules, right here! Ooo~! Aaah! Huhaha~!? Oou!" It's like it's an amazing floating orb, dude…!
...Akyuu's jaw drops for a moment, before she reclaims it. "I-... do you think I'm brain damaged." Wahaha! "St- stop that already!" She's gettin' annoyed by how I'm movin' my arm around, showin' off the orb!
"Did-" Maria holds a finger up! "Did you guys ha- have-... se- nn-...? I mean- sex-"
Akyuu jerks her head back. "Wh- what? Stop that. No!"
"I'm talking to them…!" Maria grins at her incredulously!
What do I say, dude.
"They did!" Ha-chan spills the beans, dude.
Maria holds her hands over her mouth.
"...An' I dunno if I get it." Ha-chan doesn't get it, somehow.
Maria's instantly less embarrassed for her. "Uh. How. It's… it's sex."
"Well!" Ha-chan fluffs up, as if it's a test of knowledge! "The way they cuddled was really good! And Brad felt really good too- I could tell! But-... I dunno. I dunno how they did it."
"Round peg goes in round hole." Akyuu, being technically a couple hundred, is unabashed. "I- I guess you… are a fairy, but-"
Then, she double-takes! "You- you two had sex? You're so close?"
...Genkan stares at me! "You know what? It's your turn to handle their incredulity."
Fair's fair! "We had no sex. We had a mountain climbing adventure, and I lost."
Akyuu chuckles, seemingly against her will! "Oh, gods. Yeah, yeah. I don't need to be involved in your… lovey-dovey mating rituals. You know, I don't envision lovemaking with a snow woman to be anything other than deeply intimate and fiercely romantic. Perhaps more casual than I expect, but still fiercely passionate."
...Genkan speaks quietly next to me. "She- somehow knows us… and we've hardly been together that long even…"
I shrug! "She's freakin' Hidey Achoo, there's no hidin' shit from her, dude." She can read minds dude- wait that's a different pink-haired mastermind.
"...You say that," Akyuu disagrees, dude, "well… I needn't bother you with that…"
Aw. 2B walks into the room, holding a stack of pancakes- alright who the fuck's this maid…!?
"Yo- who the heck're you…!?" She's a white-haired maid wit' a blindfold on! S'even a black maid outfit and a black blindfold.
She sets down the big stacks, before neutrally facing me. "I could ask you the same thing."
"I'm a noob!" What's it look like, dude!? "An' you're a super maid!"
"You answered your own question." I can't believe she kicked my ass.
...Genkan's giving me a look that is entirely too smug and cozy for some reason. What's with those bedroom eyes-
She magnetizes closer to me, but I avoid her by gently weaving past her side. "Wat."
"I feel at peace, for some strange reason." How snuggly. "Come here, Brad."
"Wha- why." We just had a freakin' circus in bed- woah no-
Genkan grabs onto me from the side, and hugs me tightly. I feel loved, and that makes me feel weird.
"Oof." She hugs me tight. It's… really good.
"I've been keeping a good eye on you." 2B, uh, jokes? Jeers? She's got a blindfold on, freakin'-
"Ah." Akyuu gives her a nod. "This is one of my elite bodyguards." She made sure to enunciate this! "Honoka Takuda. Takuda to you, probably." I'm gonna keep internally referring to her as 2B!
Also, that sounds like a porn star name. "I can't believe Akyuu hires porn stars."
...2B and Akyuu just kinda stare at me! An' then 2B's like: "I can make you see stars, if you'd like."
I look at Genkan.
She smiles. "I'd probably let her, too." Wh- you're huggin' me! "You're asking for it, after all." Alright, that's fair…
Ha-chan's already sat down, ready to consume the pan-made cakes. Maria's across the table from us, next to Achoo.
"Is- is there any reason you basically accused her of harlotry…?" Akyuu gives me a mixed grin!
Absolutely none, son. "She reminded me of someone on the outside…"
"Aa-... and she's-..." 2B shook her head. "How… awful."
"Well- she's not a- y'know what whatever." S'probably not important! "How can ya see like that…!?"
2B tilted her head, expression still an icy neutral. "How does the porn star see like I do? ...I combine dark and light magic. It is to hone my senses, and my magical instincts, as well as keep me immune to common afflictions that plague the human village. Chloroform, blindness, eye damage… I'm-"
"Fruit Gushers, and fluffle dust." I interject.
2B gives me a fiercely neutral expression…!
"Ch- chloroform…?" Maria looks worried! "Is that becoming more common, now?"
"...Well, yes." Akyuu scratched her cheek, next to her nose. "Especially now." Uh. That's… not good!
"Crime is on the rise." 2B cracked her knuckles. "...I forgot the orange juice. Be back."
"Mmm." Akyuu nodded warmly. "Thank you, Honoka."
"Crime…" Genkan glides to the table, and my shoes fuckin' skid along the floor as she brings me with her. "The other evening, we were attacked by night bandits."
"Aah…" Akyuu tilted her head back. "Yeah. Um… since Toyosatomimi became a religious figurehead in the village a few days ago- and doubled-down on the youkai ban, among the systems put in place by some other whackjob in the council- things have just… gotten worse."
"The mansion was attacked last night." 2B provided. What, really? "The guards at the front gate are in critical condition. I had to save them."
"Wh-" Akihito reminds us he is here, and perhaps relevant to anything at all. "What…?"
2B focuses on 'em. "After your party blundered your way in… a cyan-haired woman and some men came and tried to raid the mansion. At the same time, some youkai from around the village decided to attempt and feed on them."
She held up her arm, and I noticed a buncha bandaging down her right arm. "A dog youkai did this to me. It's healed fully overnight- thanks to magic- but… this is the state of the village. It wasn't like this come a week ago."
What the fuck's been going on with the council. Reimu and Marisa flipped everything over, but shit's so volcanic- and other random noobs have been fucking with it, somehow…! It's still all fucked!
Also, Toyosatomimi's to blame, huh. Why'd Miko plunge everything into near-anarchy, though? Daa~h…
Genkan moves to sit down-
"No." She doesn't let me go. "You sit on my lap." Y'sure about that.
She sits down, an' pulls me into her lap. I'm taller than her, so I just kinda like… really comfortably snug into her lap! But now she's gotta work around me. She has not thought this through…!
"Perhaps this wood chair isn't conducive to this." Genkan recognizes…! "Not that it matters. You're too scrawny to really get in the way."
Wh- how. How is- man. She just hugs onto me and I feel like I'm getting pulled into a big comfy pillow. Well, she's firmer than a pillow overall- but still, holy shit. Y'know this is what I mean- she's got a lotta presence! She'd have even more if she was in her kimono…
"You guys seem alright, by comparison." Akyuu noted how non-homicidal we are. "But, you can't be too careful these days. Lots of weird people have been attracted to the village recently, too. I can't help but wonder…"
"Is it finally time? For the human village to disband, in some way?"
Uuh. I don't know about that. "...But, don't youkai like, need the fear farm?" I ask. "How would they get that otherwise?"
"That's true." Akyuu admits. "But, I don't know. History shows that the village has been constantly culled down, since Gensokyo's founding. Perhaps the youkai behind all of this seek a tribal situation instead. I can't say for certain… but all this chaos could only mean a few things."
"That… sounds extreme." Genkan speaks, her face over my shoulder.
"We can't let that happen." Maria immediately decides!
...Then, she meets my gaze! "Right, Brad?"
I hold my arms up! "I guess not!"
"We agreed to help Sanae in her… thing to reform the village." Maria's got this look in her eyes. "And-... think about it. Our problems keep coming back here, again and again."
"I think it's time we've done something. Something that'll make a lasting impact. Something real."
Akyuu gave her a plain look. "If you aren't careful, you'll just be another volatile villager amidst the mayhem. You could get hurt, or worse. If it goes really wrong, no one will hear from you again, I'm sure. That's how serious some of this is becoming."
Maria met her gaze, and swallowed. "Yeah. I-... I know."
Then, she met my gaze! "Brad?"
"Hi." Genkan's already floated over our collective stack of pancakes. Wait-
"Let's eat together." Genkan suggests, in my left ear, quietly. She's really settling into this romance thing really well.
"We gotta be brave." Maria's callin' me to action…! "You wanna practice your melee combat, right? Fighting in general? ...I- we-... we're probably gonna do a lot of that, if we try and fix this… freaking village."
"I mean, ideally, Reimu and Marisa would visit again and help fix things." Akyuu gave her another awkward look! "But, they're… not that easy to reach."
"What about Reisen?" I suggest. "Or, Sanae?"
"Oh. Hmm." Did- Akyuu actually not remember them. "...One could pray to the Moriya. I don't see why Eientei would help at all." Wha- dude, they sell medicine here. If there ain't no village, there ain't anyone to sell meds to!
Even 2B sees the hole in her logic! "There is money in the people here for them. To lose the village… is to lose that money."
"...Right." Akyuu looked like she was reminded, rather than informed. Then, she gazed down at her pancakes…
shake, shake, shake. Genkan already has my multi-vitamin bottle out. Jeez… "Remember your vitamin, Brad."
"S'good you remember! 'Cause I don't!" Literally outright forgot about it again!
...Ah. Everyone's got that moment where they're just eatin', and not in the mood to talk.
Genkan and me are gonna be using the same plate, apparently. "Ain't this unsanitary." I wonder. You think I wouldn't be the one to bring this up, but I'm weirdly… enh about food ethic!
Genkan snorts. "You care? ...I doubt the minimal- if any- shared indirect contact through our forks will be anything compared to our kissing. I'm sure we've drank a gallon of each other's drool each."
Y'know what, when she frames it like that, I stop caring entirely. She's totally right. The waifu gets special privileges, dude.
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
Somehow, the sunny light cast down on the snowy village is… oddly morbid. It's one of those weird feelings you get, when it's just awkwardly a really good day out but something really bad's happened.
We're standing outside, on the front walkway of Akyuu's manor, that leads back up to the front gate. Yeah- Akyuu's just immediately kickin' us out!
"You can pray to the Moriya to get Sanae's attention at their mini-shrine, in this sector." Akyuu informs us of our next goal, dude. "There's a windmill being constructed to the north west, but just going there won't do anything for you. You're going to want her help, if you want to get anything done, I'm sure."
"Where is it?" Maria asks something I didn't expect at all…! "The Moriya shrine in the village, I mean."
"South east, of even the south east quadrant… which, we're in." Akyuu even points, dude. "That way-ish, basically..."
Shivering, Akyuu hides her hands in her red-pink sleeves. "Nn- nnh… how're you guys not cold."
"We are all ice." I inform her. "We are the ice defenders."
...Akyuu nods. "Oh- darn it. I haven't asked your yuki-onna some questions for the chronicle, yet. ...I suppose that's just another reason I hope you all come out of your excursion okay."
Man, she's really hyping this up. We walked around the village last night, it wasn't so bad!
"I-..." Akihito is just here, I guess. "I wanna help too!" Aw, yes dude!
"Team tank." I point at him. "Yer the team tank, son." We throw Akihito into every encounter to get minced first, while the rest of us sit back and spam high-level ice spells!
Staring around haphazardly into the sunny winter day, Akyuu gave us another nod. "Be careful out there. I don't wanna hear something stupid happened to you 'cause you all got arrogant."
Maria held her iron lamp of a staff tight, and Genkan was takin' things slowly like I was. She looks peaceful, dude.
"I'm an arrogant!" Ha-chan is factually incorrect!
"What's a 'team tank'." Akihito's gone, man. They took him away, dude.
...In light of our strangeness, 2B gives us a look of some kind! "I'll be here to help, if you need it. Though, I must stay here and protect the Hieda clan. As my ancestors have, and as my descendents will." Gee- thanks fer the biography.
I can't believe she's the unlockable character. "I'll bake you a fluffle while we're gone." Are we even coming back. I-... don't think so? Maybe for some fluffles, and lunch, if this takes long enough.
"Don't." Uh oh.
...When we got nothin' else to say, Maria begins to move! "C'mon, guys." Aw, yeehaw.
We quietly keep up with her, as we move to the gate.
KLANG! Oh. There's fighting going on just, at the gate.
"Mr- mroowh…" A blue-haired cat dude is cheeks-first against the bars, after a red-dressed karate maid roundhouse'd 'em into it.
"Hyaa~h!" Spinnin' around, the brown-haired maid took the fight to this kid behind herself-
THUNK! Ooh, shit! That mary-jane across the face's gotta hurt!
...Maria gives a bewildered look back at us!
"I feel like a loaf." Genkan is in happy mode for some reason…!
"Wh- what, no." Maria grins! "Stop that."
I must respond. "How loafsome." Genkan is my spirit animal. "We gotta snuggle, dude!"
...Genkan has a little look at my exclamation! "Maybe not right now."
KLANG! That blue-haired cat dude was hit against the bars again! "Fhu- huhuck…"
Akihito looks spooked! "Ge- geez…"
"Especially not with the war going on." Genkan gazes out of the front gate with us! "What is happening?"
...A different, black-haired maid clad in purple comes up to the gate, and waves at us! "Hi~! Lemme just-..." She has a big fwoofy ponytail, dude!
Click! She unlocks the gate-
FWISH! Instantly, a very suspicious bush across the street springs to life! "Yeaa~h!" It's- a fox guy, I think!?
He tries to run past us, but-
"Blizzara!" Maria fires a spreadshot from her staff, into the gate!
FWA- FWISH- FWASH! It hits the maid, and mister fox man! "Nngh-"
Genkan snaps ahead, instantly spinning on a heel-
WHACRACK! She arched her left arm into a hookin' motion, and almost karate-chopped the dude in the shoulder!
"Oou-" The hit was hard enough to force him into kneeling! "Woah-"
THUNK! The purple-clad maid's black shoe met the back of his head.
He slumped over, annihilated. "Nnn…" Wat a noob, dude.
Brushing frost off herself, shivering, the purple maid gave us an uneven grin. "Tha- thanks…"
"Sorry." Maria waved, dude. "Um. Let's go!" Then, she ran out from the gate!
Akihito hits the ground runnin' after her, and we all have no choice but to catch up before she brings the border of the screen too far away! Y'know, like those beat'em-ups where we all have to share one screen…!
An' now, we're all on the move. We're a five-person freakin' army at this point.
Ha-chan floats overhead of us, as Maria books it ahead of us all, Akhitio's tactically in the center, an' me and Genkan lag behind. Genkan's covering the rear, an' I'm just slow…!
Between the two-story homes of this aristocratic neighborhood, we run along the already heavily-disturbed snow. What a sunny day, dude. Everything feels alive!
"Nngh- aah!" A guard flies through the air past us, an' lets just say he ain't controllin' the trajectory…!
BAM! Oh, ow. He hit a roof's edge, and voicelessly crumbled to the floor, fuckin' half-dead.
Ahead of us, there's a super-snowcrested clearing, amidst a bunch of warmly lit two-story homes that actually look oriental! The merits of the village actually having money in some places!
"Hroaa~h!" A man with long, black hair and no shirt flares his arms out. His whole upper body is like a freakin' coloring book of random flowy tattoos.
A village guard is disarmed of his pike with the way the tattoo dude flared his arms out! "Aah- fuck-"
"Nnh-" Oh, shit! One of Akyuu's maids is here, and she's not lookin' so good! "Damn-" She's got brown hair, plain an' long. But, she's also got a black hairband...
Tattoo man grabs her by her legs, drawin' my eyes to the torn stockings-
WOOSH! Oh, fuck, she's gettin' giant-tossed!
WHAM- WHAM- WHAM! She's used to club like three more guardsmen into oblivion-
Shoof. Then, he deposits her into the snow more gently…
Only to lurch her body into standing, and forward-
WHABOOM! Holy shit he suplexed her.
"Khk-" Blood explodes out of the maid's mouth. "Uu-..."
"Holy shit." Akihito's right this time, dude…!
"Leave her alone!" Genkan can't take that sittin' down! "What's she done to you!?"
Standing up, slinging the broken maid over his shoulder, the tattoo-clad muscle man glared us all over.
"...Hmmh." His gaze is hard and narrow, dude. "'Course you can't just leave me alone. That'd be just too easy, wouldn't it." He speaks in monotone, with an eternal half-grimace.
"No!" Akihito draws his broadsword- alright, y'know what, I know what's gonna happen. This dude's gonna just rip the sword outta Akihito's arms and kick all our asses with it. I'm callin' it!
"...Mmgh." Then, the dude-
Woosh! -tossed the half-dead maid away, into a nearby snowbank, and focused on us. "I'll take my pick out've you lot, then." Uh oh. I can't believe-... I can't believe I can't stop making jokes that begin with 'I can't believe'! It's an addicting template!
"Hey, son." I gotta quiz him. "If X is Y, how much is Q…!?"
...He blinks twice! "I-... huh?" Wahaha!
Meanwhile, Maria moves along the left flank, and Genkan quietly moves around the right…! In the center with me is Akihito, and Ha-chan seems to be air-support!
Naturally, the village guards just leave once we get there. I dunno if they're scared of us or what, but they're pussyin' out!
"What is this?" The big man furrows his brows, lookin' left and right at Genkan an' Maria. "...Are you having your women fight me?"
Akihito runs forward, like a tank should! "No! We're having you fight-"
woosh. Akihito immediately fucks up by swinging his broadsword at him, and even with a running start-
pap. The dude just grabs it by the blade, pulls it out of his hands-
THUNK. -and, he clubs Akihito across the head with the hilt. Yeah, cool and good. I think that just outright knocked Akihito out. Jesus fuck.
He spares Maria a glance, and-
WHOOM. He sends the broadsword roaring across the air like a fuckin' disk-
CLANG! Maria guards with her staff- and is sent skiddin' onto her butt in the snow from the impact. "Eee- nnh…"
Fwi- Click! Drawin' Youkai Incon- I mean, One Million Revenants, I reel it back! "Alright- now-"
KRI~NG! Genkan erects a frost blade beneath him-
"Hoo~h!" He leaps through the air towards her, evading the ice blade entirely.
"Freeze!" Genkan throws both arms up.
FWASH! Aw. He's iced, dude-
KRA~CK! He breaks free literally instantly what the fuck's he made outta-
"You-" Genkan guards, but he grabs her by the sides, and lurches her forward-
WHABOOM! Snapping back, makin' almost a C-shape outta himself, he suplexes Genkan super hard. Snow booms out beneath them, and blood explodes outta Genkan's mouth. "Hh- aah…!?"
"Son." I have a big grin…! "No one suplexes my snow lady an' gets away wit' it…!" Only I can suplex Genkan- which, y'know, now that I think about it, we really gotta-
"Nngh…" Rolling back into standing, tattoo man glares me down as he gets onto his feet proper.
"Nn- nnh…" Genkan rolls off her back, and surprisingly enough, starts standing again…! "Oo-... oww~..." Begrudgingly so, perhaps, but…!
He spares her a look. "Not human yerself, are you? Should have figured."
Then, he levels with my glare! "She yours? ...How the hell'd that happen."
"S'more like- I'm hers!" I clarify!
"Nn-" His steely look actually cracks! "Hahahah! Aah… that'd figure. Well-"
He twists himself to face Genkan again. "She's finer than that maid, at any rate. Thanks."
Genkan stumbles back, arms held up again. "What do you-"
"Yo!" I yell! "Strike Raid, here we go!" I see it!
Woosh! I toss my flail hanger with an outward motion, and it roars towards the dude's face.
He grabs it out of the air easily, even though I'm telekinetically guiding it to his face-
Fwi- Click! But I just summon it back again, re-equippin' it!
Woosh! This time I toss it vertical, and it arcs overhead, goin' for his face again-
BONK! Yeehaw! I did it son! I skullified 'em!
"Rrgh-" Ohp- he's pissed now…! "You fuckin'-"
Fwi- Click! Woosh! I toss it wide again, and arc it in a curve towards him, makin' it tilt a bit as it goes for him-
THUNK. He's running at me- and the hanger bounces off his abs, doing nothing to him.
Fwi- Click! He gets too close,so I can't just chuck it again...! Instead, I just- guard-
Oh. He takes my hanger out of my hands, and reels it back overhead to club me wit' it-
Fwi- Click. No, son. I am the plant hanger master. You don't get to use it!
...He actually gives me a disappointed look after I summoned it back to my hands!
"He- hey!" Genkan puts herself in the line of fire again… "Moron!" Hearin' her say 'moron' is really cute!
He turns to her, as the sound of snow gently being shuffled is heard in the background, coming from… somewhere. "Oh? Can't get enough a' me?"
Genkan swallowed. She's not floating like she usually is, instead firmly planted on the ground. "Pick on me instead."
The black-haired guy beamed. "...I'll pick on ya alright. Bully ya some, too."
Oh. As I trace Genkan's weirdly spread-out posture, I see why.
In the snowy floor, a line is being drawn in it towards the big guy. S'like she's taking an invisible pencil, and distilling the snow gently up to him…
He spread out his arms, and sauntered towards her. "Come. Fight me. C'mon, sweetie."
"You come to me." Genkan smiled…!?
He beams! "...Hell yeah."
He took a big, confident step forward, onto the line Genkan was drawing towards him.
shoof. The snow underneath him slid out drastically.
crack. He does a complete split with both legs.
"Nn-" Uh oh. "Eeu-... oo-... ow…" Wow…!
"Nnh- he- hehehe…" Genkan has to contain her laughter! She holds her own hands over her mouth…!
"Y'shoulda taken the aerobics class, son." This dude skipped the gymnastics unit! Lemme tell ya, he doesn't look flexible!
Glaring, on the verge of tearing up, he twisted to look at me. "Shuh- uuh-... fhuck…!"
WHUNK. I whump 'em across the head with my hanger- and his upper body just kinda jiggles around, having lost all rigidness from his posture.
WHAM! Bringin' the hanger inward, I smash it up his cheek, sendin' him jigglin' around summore!
But- I gotta keep swinging. I ain't gonna get another chance anytime soon to just unload on a gihugic burly dude!
WHA- WHACK! Ooh! I flick the hanger across his face again- and the flail part makes contact wit' his head twice!
After I flicked it back, the tip of the flail awkwardly went like, under my left arm after I'd swung with it. Wait- yo!
I grab the holy hanger part as it dangles under my armpit with my right hand, and-
THUNK. -flick the entire hanger across his face again with another awkward, upward motion. The hilt scrapes across the bridge of his nose. "Nnrgh!"
Grabbin' the 'hilt' of the hanger as it's under my right arm- in an actually really hard to coordinate motion- I fumble around a bit, but eventually-
THUNK- UNK! I bring the flail part into his head with a swing of my left arm!
I have to move both arms at once to keep up any kind of momentum- and it's really exhausting to do- but holy shit is it kind of a work-out!
THUNK! My right arm claims it, and whips the hilt across the guy's face with an awkward swing again-
THUNK- UNK! I get it again with my left arm, bringing the business-end across his face.
Hugging the hanger's flail part under my left elbow now, I jump onta my right leg alone as I kick! "Yeehaw!"
Wham. My left leg's kick has strangely little force, probably 'cause I'm a twig!
"Huu- uuh…" But, it's enough to bring the already crippled dude down, his nose now bloody from how many times my hanger hit 'em in the face. Also, his legs are still spread…!
...Well, that actually went way better than expected. Pretty much 'cause Genkan used a freakin' percentile damage attack essentially. I don't imagine that'd've worked on like, the karate maids, 'cause they'd be flexible. This dude, though…!
"Wow." Maria's impressed! "That-... guy went down faster than I expected."
"I surprised myself." Genkan provided! "...I was tempted to summon an ice blade just then, but that probably would have been murder." Yeah- I think y'woulda just gibbed him. That's super murder.
"That woulda been super murder." I must voice this!
"...Super murder." Maria echoes the idea, kinda like I expected her to!
Anyway, uh… speaking of super murder, Akihito's freakin' super-duper oofed, and that brown-haired maid probably needs medical attention.
I got four health potions left, son. The maid's getting one, and… Akihito's getting none! Yeah!
Gently, Ha-chan floats down from overhead. She stalls before us for a moment, looking snuggly as all get-out, before actually saying words. "It- it's cold up there!" Yeah- I'd bet!
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
"Nnn-..." The brown-haired maid held her own head. "Da- damn…"
"Mmh…" Her grey eyes flickered around, as she sipped from the potion bottle.
She seems okay! A little cold, 'cause yes, but otherwise okay!
...After lowering the potion, she licked her lips. "How-... how aren't you cold?" She pointed at Genkan!
"Magic." Genkan tells a fib! "Are you fine now?"
"...Yeah."
Akihito looks munted, as he stands nearby with a hand on his bleeding head. "Oo- ow…"
Bouncing off a crate we'd placed her on, onto her feet, the maid gives us a big thumbs-up! "Tha- thanks, guys!"
"You go warm up." Maria gave her a big nod. "We'll make some noise out here for you." That's a metal way of putting it…!
"Alright!"
Woosh! What the fuck. That karate maid- she just leapt over the perimeter wall of the Akyuu funhouse. What. Aw…
"How's she jump so good." I gotta wonder!
"...She jumps good." Genkan, no. "We should keep going."
Keep going, huh. Aw, yeah.
Maria steps up ta make sure Akihito isn't about to pass out an' pass away from his probably-a-concussion,before movin' to shuffle ahead in the snow again.
Between all these big two-story houses, shade is sometimes cast onto the snow-lined alleys, making them really dim and serene…
"Um…" Maria's leadin' us, but soon she slows down… "Where-... do we go from here?"
"Home." I look warm.
"I'm gonna poke your brain out." Maria doesn't like it…!
Genkan snorts! "...I could float up, and come back down when I see something that looks like the Moriya."
"Ah…" Maria considers that. "That's kind of a good idea."
"But!" Somehow, I am the one with caution! "...What if people see her in the sky- and come to fuck us up when she lands…!?"
Issa genuine concern, dude. We all look thoughtful, as we idly continue forward…
Ooh. We found a shrine just by going forward, actually! It's… well, it certainly don't look like a Moriya shrine.
It's a grey-white sorta shrine. Reminds me a' Reimu's shrine, except there's this neat artsy pattern of rectangles and black lines on the shoji walls.
Reminds me of sterile office building wallpaper! Like, ya walk into the bank, and then ya look at the wall… y'see this shrine's shoji there! Except, without the parts that make it all shoji-like, like the panels, and the main sliding door.
Shoof. Speaking of, this guy immediately pushes the door open! He's got a grey and white kimono on, keepin' wit' the color scheme, and glares down at us.
"You youkai-... will not drive this town to-"
Fwash. ...Genkan plainly freezes him, the moment he steps off the front porch. For looking like a super badass samurai man, he did not have freeze resistance.
"Um." Maria looked worried… "Unfreeze him, Genkan."
fwish. She releases the man from his icy coils.
"Nngh- aah…" Eyes wide, he takes a breath an' looks around, then down at Maria.
"Hey." Maria waved at him, dude. "Um. Can you… maybe, like, not attack me and my friends? Who are you, aa- actually?"
He swallowed, shivered, and drew his sword. Uh oh, dude. "Atsutane Ha. I am the geki of the Ha shrine." Is- is that like the Hakurei shrine, but less? Where's the 'Kurei' shrine…!?
Then, he poised his sword, and it began to glow with rectangular energy. "You four will see no generosity here. This village is all but under siege, and you-... you all are my enemy. I oversee the protection of the people here. You all will be punished, for your torment."
"We'd like to help defend it." Genkan attempted. "If we may."
"You'd best defend yourself." Atsutane wasn't havin' any of it, dude. "I will not rest until you four die." Uh oh, dude!
Akihito ran up to him! "Aa- Ha-... Ha- you can't just- they're actually-"
"Quiet. Quiet!" He yelled over Akihito! "Every second you spend fooled- your life is in peril. I-"
"How d'ya think sex between M&M people looks like." I can't help but wonder, son.
...Atsutane just looks done. Just- this look of nonchalant, tired anger…!
Maria gives me a look…! I grin back at 'er!
No one says anything. I think they're all as in wonder as I am.
"Ooh! Like- the candy?" Ha-chan has an idea! "They probably have sex all the time- in their little bags!" That's the best answer. It's the most accurate and correct, dude.
He brings his katana overhead, to cleave it down. "Let the darkness die!" I can't believe he doesn't like M&M people du~de!
Fwash. Genkan freezes him again.
"Let's- keep going." Maria shakes her head and moves! "Before someone gets suspicious…"
Ah, yes. I think we already were as suspicious as we could be…!
Although, soon, even though the village is in like minor chaos, we get so far into the nitty-gritty of the wealthy sector it's kinda quiet. Or, at least, people're more spread out into places that aren't here.
That, or it's a wild west situation, and there's a party of noobs roving around. Wait- that's us.
SHOOF! SHOOF! Oh- what the fuck was-
KRING! KRING! Genkan summons ice blades, to intercept two crossbow bolts that came at us from offscreen! Hoh, shit!
"...It's certainly not safe." Genkan took note…! Who shot them? I- don't even see anyone!
"C'mon-" Maria trucks it down the alley ahead, which leads into a kinda open clearing amidst the tall houses of the wealthy sector-
Ooh! I think that's the mini-Moriya shrine, on the other edge of the clearing.
SHUNK- SPLACK- SPLACK- SPLACK! Oh. Except, there's a freakin' mini-war of some kind goin' on in front of it…! That was the noise of some dude getting cut in fuckin' half, holy shit.
In the midst, a village guardsman stood. But, he wasn't like, a regular-ass villager guard.
He had a huge fuckin' sword- but not too huge. He held a long, red-white katana-esque blade, and was armored in oriental-lookin', red-white-black armor.
"Wha-" Oh, hey. It's that cyan-haired weirdo from earlier, Kurumi or whatever her face was! "Oo- oh- fuck! What're you!?"
Aw, on the floor, cleaved straight in half holy fuck was some furry dude. A fox dude? Well, uh… he's only two halves of a fox dude now! Holy shit that's a lotta blood!
...Maria looks back at us! "Gods. We're- um, we're staying away from that." Yeah, no foolin'.
"What-... is- is that anyone special?" Genkan wanted ta know!
"I- don't know?" Maria wasn't sure herself! "But-"
"I- I know- who that is." Akihito is good for something! "That's-... one of the red guards." Oh. What. Red guards, huh. Pro'lly 'cause they're wearin' red. How original!
"What- they got recolored, so now they're stronger?" We workin' on MMO logic now…!?
Akihito swallowed! "Nn- no-... well, yes? I- I mean- their armor's made- umm, of the village's limited supply of hihi'rokane metal…"
Hihi'rokane? What tha' fuck is that. Hehehohohaha metal?
"Hihi'rokane?" Genkan's eyes were wide! "The village has some of that?"
"...Ye- yeah?" Akihito isn't sure how to reply! "Yeah…? It does."
"You-" Aw! There's that Haniko chick- the one with the black hair. Y'know, she gives me some Tharja vibes. "Sit the fuck down-"
WOOSH! The red guard slung his red-white katana out, and it left a trail of vibrant energy in the air.
thud. Oh. Her arm's gone. Uh.
"Eee-" She yells…! "Eaaa~gh- aaa~!" That is a lot of blood, in fact…!
There's some dudes with switchblades running away from the encounter- because honestly what the fuck were they gonna do to a dude in a suit a' armor wit' switchblades.
I have half a mind to send my fluffle out at him! But, I also don't wanna draw aggro…!
THUMP, THUMP. Oh! There's a golem girl there, dude! And she's hardly a girl- wow, that's… that's like, a female shaped rock. The bust area is just rockage, except it flares out a bit.
She stands pro'lly like four meters tall, comin' out of one of the alleys, looming down at the red guard.
Swish- SKRISH! The guard flicked the blade up as the golem girl thing just kinda walked at 'em.
...THUMP- KROO~M! Ohp- that broke it. Did- did he just cut through like, a couple meters of rock. That was all the sword. Holy fuck.
"We're leaving." Genkan decides…! Ohp- she grabs onto me like I'm a plank a' wood, and stuffs me under one arm! "Come."
"We… could go arou~nd." Maria proposes quietly, as we just- take a different path. "Maybe. Ge- Genkan, where're you going."
"Home." Genkan declared…! "Somewhere not here."
"Hold on…!"
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
Yeah, we pussied out and instead took a long detour around the battlefield! Those random hoes hopefully weren't super murdered…!
Thankfully, the Moriya mini-shrine's got a good ol' back door here. Me, Maria an' Genkan all awkwardly walk up to this like, tiny maintenance door in the back, an' I swing it open first. It's just a western-ass door built into a back wall here…
Aw, we're inside. The shrine proper is just one room. There's an altar in the center, in Kanako and Suwako's likeness. We're behind it though, so it looks weird!
"Look." I point at the altar. "Rock people."
"...Perhaps apt, in Suwako's case." Genkan remarks. Aw, man, this makes me wanna play super squish bros again, dude.
"...Y'know, um…" Maria speaks up! "Hey, Genkan."
"Hmm?"
"Don't you normally get annoyed, after getting hurt and stuff?" Maria brings up a point that was on the back of my mind…! "You got shot by an arrow last night… and like, crushed, moments ago."
"I think I've just come to accept it." Genkan offers her best answer, dude. "That, and… not being in my kimono makes me feel out-of-sorts, in a good way. Perhaps the supposed health boost that bra gives me does something of value, too."
...When I turn to Genkan, she's closer! And- "As I expected, the moment I draw Brad's attention, his face pans down to my breasts immediately."
"Well!" Son- you're like, hovering so they're level with my- yo- "Mmfh-"
Genkan hugs onto me, burying me in her sweater-bound chest. "Silence, Brad. Peace now." What, no! Mmh-... but, she's right. I can't resist.
I close my eyes, and just- nnh. I guess I'll just stand here with my face in her boobs.
"You guys are weirdos." Maria kicks our ass!
"Mmh- nnfh- mmm." I try to speak, but there's too much boob interference.
Genkan lets me go! "St- stop tickling me…"
How was that tickly. Anyway- what I was gonna say- "You wouldn't fight back- if Genkan shoved your head in her boobs!"
"...I- well-..." Maria doesn't argue back, dude! "Well- whatever. Point is-..." She dunno what the point is, dude.
Lookin' snuggly, she turns to Ha-chan.
Ha-chan has a fluff. She holds it before Maria, and it's ginger. "u cant just say that" Wat. "im me"
...When we make eye contact, the fluffle speaks to me! "me you me you" Oh my god, dude.
I turn to Genkan. "...Me you me you!"
"No." Genkan shakes her head. "We should probably begin praying… or, however we call upon the Moriya."
Then, another voice.
"That will not be necessary."
THUNK. The door falls open, cut in two. It better not be-
Atsutane Ha, the grey-white shrine maiden-guy- shrine geki was the male word, I think- he walks on in through the broken front door.
And y'know what? I'm glad! If it was mister angry red man, I think we would've just left!
Shoof- shoof- shoof. Three others sliding doors on the sides of the shrine snap open. Maiden ladies in black and white step from them, their hair all black and brown.
I step forward-
Fwi- Click! With a flare of magic, Fallen Comrade is hoisted over my shoulder, as I grin at 'em! "Son- what'd we do ta you!?"
"You've defiled the very safety of this village!" Atsutane's aged expression barks at me! "In the name of the Ha family's honor- I will kill- you- all!" Jesus! To the point, aren't we!? We're evil today, dude!
Fwash. Genkan froze him, though.
"Aah!" One of the cuddly-lookin' maiden girls holds up her own katana. "Heal!"
krack- Fwoash! Oh. They know healing magic. This instantly blows. After the healing magic worked on him, it broke the ice that held him and healed him.
"Maidens!" He yelled, not at all phased that he was just frozen! Also- his shrine-thing has like, six maidens? Where're they from…!? "Exorcise them!"
Fwi- fwi- fwi- fwi- fwi- fwish! Oh god- they all have their own black-white talismans- an' they're comin' for us!
KRING! Genkan protects herself with an ice blade-
BOOM! BOOM! Two hit Maria and just explode, but she's just left blinking by the holy magic, rather than injured or anything. "Whah…"
BOOM- BOOM- BOOM- BAM- BOOM! ...Wow, same story for me! An' Ha-chan's just on the rafters over us again, so no one even aimed at her. Damn- those things're bright though.
Genkan's ice blade is somehow severely damaged by them, though. Do these things only work on youkai?
"...What?" Atsutane's baffled! "You-... you two are not yet corrupted, then." S'that even how it works. This is some superstitious religious bullshit, innit.
"Too late." I give him a dour look, dude. "The snow lady already took my semen from me."
...Genkan's givin' me a look now dude! "That is-... Brad, why."
"She raped you, then?" Atsutane's face flares! Wh- I-... dudes can get raped? I mean- well, yeah, but- if Genkan pushed me down and molested me- which is basically what she does- I wouldn't be complaining!
"Thundara." Not puttin' up wit' this shit, Maria plainly thrusts her staff into the air, and it flares with topaz light along the lantern tip!
zap. The electricity immediately curls up to Ha-chan-
FWASH- ZAP- KAKRACK- ZAZAP- FWISH! It arcs down from Ha-chan, and into the many maidenly girls around the edges of the shrine!
"Ehe- nnghahaha- wowowow-"
"Ngh- bebebahauhuha-"
"Eee- aaaa~h!"
Three of them are blown the fuck away- the ones with katanas. The others, with just ofuda, widen their eyes and stumble. "Aah! No!"
"Ako! Ako!"
"Himari! Oh, no…"
Atsutane focuses on Maria, and runs at her, his sparkly purple strangified katana raised overhead-
CLANG! I run in the way- which is a fuckin' rush to actually do, lemme add. Damn- this guy's one swing was like a truck! I stopped his blade from comin' wide all a' sudden with my hanger- and man. I practically got sent sprawlin' after guardin' that…!
"Black magic…" I think all magic's black to this guy, dude. He's a freakin' racist man oh my god dude woah no-
I point at him! "Racist!" I am more of a social justice warrior than you, son!
He jerks his head back! "...Accuse me of what you will, acolyte. It is your guts that will strew the walls of this Moriya mess, today." Wow, damn. Freakin' rude, dude.
Fwash. Since the katana girls are down, Genkan casually freezes him again.
"Heal!" Ohp- the ofuda girls know how to do it too!
Fwoash- krack! He's freed- and instantly-
SHUNK! Haha, ow. Ow…! He's not got a blade on him like red man- but son that hurts like fuck- shit-
"Aah-... Brad!" Maria beholds the new vent in my kimono! Thank you ribs, for stopping that sword!
"Let the darkness die!" After stroking the katana down my ribs, drawing a line of red in the air, he flicks it in again-
CLANK! I parry it- swingin' my clumsy-ass hanger against it, and somehow we don't interlock.
He's slowed a bit by the recoil, but his glare meets my gaze- and he's thrustin' at me-
Whish! Ooo~! Dude- that thrust missed grazin' me by a fuckin' ball's hair…!
"Hrgh- haa~h!" Dude- he's goin' crazy man oh god-
He leaps into the air-
WHAM! As he twirls around mid-air, his right leg flicks into my face- ow fuck-
SHUNK! Genkan was encroaching on him, but as he twirls, he strokes his blade through her exposed midsection. "Nngh- kgh- aa-"
SHINK! Then, as I right myself after his flippy kick motion- his sword slows to a rest in my side.
SHUNK! He retracts it- yeah ow- nngh- nn-
My body shakes- my eyes water- and white, electric-like energy runs along my body, inflicted by his katana.
"Your club, and my sword…" Smilin' confidently, Atsutane held up his blade fancy-like, showin' me my blood along it. "They do not compare."
Oof. Man. That fuckin' flippy attack kicked our ass.
"Nngh..." Genkan's holding the wound in her stomach. "Holy-... magic. Of course." Well- yeah. I bet it's slowin' her healing, though.
"Son-" Ow. Y'know, that's Genkan's blood and mine along that katana! "Why're ya so freakin' evil today…!?"
"Me, evil?" He smiles brilliantly…! "I think you see yourself."
Seein' our blood together on his blade- which he's just presenting to us-... it's a weird sentiment. It's somethin' kinda like- 'I'm better than both of you- and you're both gonna get fucked together like this'.
Then, he comes at me with a thrust, from his presentation posture. "Hah-"
CLANG! Steppin' aside, I sling my hanger up- and clink our shit together!
SHUNK! Then, quicker than I can recover from the recoil- he flicks it with a wide motion across my stomach. "Aa-" Ow!
Shakily, I draw a potion-
KRING! Genkan summons an iceblade beneath the dude!
"Fira!" From the side- Maria shoots a fireball, spookin' some of the black-white maidens she came up next to.
"Hrrgh-" Stumblin' back from the erected glacier blade- the dude goes flippity whippity again! "Hraa~h!"
SHINK- BA- BAM- KRACK! With a slice, and two mid-air kicks, he destroys the ice blade between me and him-
Swish! His sword dispels the fireball that came at him-
His rotation comes to an end, and he kneels down, bringin' his sword for my kneecaps as he finishes his super duper spin motion-
CLANK! I kaswung my hanger up- and assfucked his sword super hard!
"Wh- ah!" His eyes widen, as his sword goes flyin' away! "You-"
Fwash! Genkan freezes him again!
Settin' the potion I drew aside- by kneelin' and droppin' it- I come up to the frozen dude.
A cute black-white shrine maiden speaks up! "He-"
Thunk. Maria clubs her over the head! "Sto~p."
"Oo- owh…"
"Hea-" Oh shit- another girl-
Whack! Genkan chucked some ice from the broken blade at her, and shut her up!
Fwash- fwash! Oh. Then, Genkan also froze those two chicks on her flank, just outright.
"Haa~h!" Slingin' Fallen Comrade overhead with both arms, I slam it down-
KRACK- WHAM! I smash it through the ice- it's actually really fragile- and onto the old shrine dude's head!
"Khk- hrgh- nnh!" Broken free by the violence, Atsutane's planted on his ass! Like- he was kneeling before- so this made his kneeling leg give out- and now he's just awkwardly on the floor.
I see his katana in the corner of the room- me an' Genkan's blood still along it. My cuts're burnin' fiercer than paper cuts- which is probably obvious- but if you thought paper cuts hurt, holy fuckin' shit do I got news for you!
"I'm gonna shave yer hairy back, son." I'm 'boutta ream this boy with my plant hanger's sickle end…!
Whish! The dude springs into standing. "That-... you don't understand. That youkai woman will corrupt you- if she is not killed."
"She's-" I dunno what to even say- 'cause I wanna jeer, but I wanna actually assert she's my cuddlefriend! "She's pro'lly a better dude than your sorry ass, goin' around stabbin' people!"
"Hah?" He beams at me! "She keeps you captive. You are drawn to her beauty- but you do not see! She will-..."
"Son- look!" If we're actually talkin'- lemme spell it out! "Humans ain't like-... humans ain't like pac-man, dude."
He purses his lips, extremely weirded out! I don't think he knows what pac-man is…! Man- all this adrenaline's making my head weird…
"Do it!" Atsutane barks at me! "Kill her!" He points at Genkan, who's just kinda casually standing there, watchin' us bicker.
...I grin! "Kiss her, y'mean? Aw, yeah dude."
"I- I said kill-... kill!" He reaffirms himself, thinkin' I misheard! "Kill her!"
"Son- do ya even hear yerself speak." I lean back, and slouch! "Kill this! Kill that! Kill kill kill! I'm'onna kill you son- if ya don't freakin'-..."
...Uh oh, he's gettin' bored. Before he looks for his sword, I gotta break it to him, dude.
"Snow lady is wife material." I nod. "Don't at me, bro."
Atsutane firmly meets my gaze again, dude. Firmly grasps it…!
Man, I guess I gotta say it in plain English. "I am love friends with snow lady! Girlfriends! Wait-" Hol' up I ain't a girlfriend-
He takes great pause. "...Ah." Then he tilts his head back. "I see. You know-... I have a wife. Someone I also love."
Aw, good. "Exactly! So, y'know! We can't be bad people, right?"
"I should have killed her first, then." Atsutane meets Genkan's stare. "I'm such an idiot."
My heart pumps harder, and I feel my adrenaline flush. "Ya can say that again! What the fuck!" He knows love- he realizes what I want 'em to and he's still a big motherfucker about this!
Fwish. Oh. He just, summons his katana back. "You two can die together, then, and take the darkness with you." He displays our blood at us again-
An' y'know, s'not that big of a deal- but somethin' about that display. Somethin' about it makes me think a' failure- and it really kinda grinds my gears…!
It makes me imagine us dead. Just stupidly cut down here- without another thought. Boy just came up and killed us amidst all the chaos, and laughed about it later.
I really wanna fuckin' show him. Fuck him…!
"Now-" He holds his blade up-
FWAASH! It becomes aglow with white-purple light. "Let the darkness die!"
Fwish. Genkan tries to freeze 'em in that moment- but he just refuses to be frozen, the magic refusing to do it- maybe his sword fucks wit' it or something-
Woosh! Maria swings for his head an' whiffs- as he rushes for me-
WHISH! The katana comes down for me-
Thunk. I run right up into his face- 'fore the katana could properly reach me- and throw myself at 'em! My hanger meets his gut- his arms meet my shoulder- an' it's just a clumsy, terrible exchange all-around!
Thud! Wow- that knocked him over? Holy shit! "Nngh-... you-..."
As he stands real quick again- I just- I dunno.
WHAM! I throw caution to the wind- and just, with an inward stroke, club 'em across the head with Fallen Comrade!
"Rrgh-" The pain keeps 'em unsteady, and-
WHACK! I flick the hanger wide across his head again! Man- these big deformed super hangers got so much force behind 'em!
KRACK! Oh- god! I hit 'em a third time, this time inward, and that noise was not healthy! Was- was that the hanger, or his skull…?
"Rr- nn- nnh…" Judging by his airy look, I think that mighta been his skull.
I glance at Genkan, and at the flowing red cut down her soft stomach. All the red stainin' my camoumono right now…
This boy tried to destroy us, man. I ain't about this game of survival! This entire situation's why I want power in the first place!
Fwish! Amber, orange-yellow light flares up along my limbs, which is super weird but I'm just gonna ignore it for now!
THUNK! I ram Fallen Comrade into his gut-
Fwi- Click! Puttin' my gravity boots back on, I fall down, spin around, an' flick 'em on usin' my telekinesis.
As the boots kick me off the floor-
WHA- WHAM! I steal the boy's flippy motion- kicking my heels into his face as I twirl around-
"Yeeheehaa~w!" Crouching in the air, I spin around super rapidly dude-
WHA- WHAM- KRACK- THUNK- WHAM- BAM- WHAM! I stroke the side of my hanger against the side of his face repeatedly as I keep flippin' around- pivotin' so fast I feel like I'm'onna barf- and soon, he just flops the fuck over, instead of trying to endure my combomania.
Then, once he's on the ground, I spring into standing- and the way I aim the heels of my boots against the floor forces me into a backflip…!
Woa~h! An' right after my floaty backflip- which puts me like, past the dude's head as he lies on the floor.
SHUNK! I plant Fallen Comrade's sickle firmly into his stomach, after swingin' it down like a pick-axe.
"Hrrgh- aaaa~h!" I think-... that's it! The fight's over, dude. Ain't no comin' back from that! Oh- holy shit- look at that blood! Uh oh…!
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
Me and Genkan share a health potion. Genkan finishes downin' the second half, since she insisted I drink the first half 'fore I bled out or something. Not that it was necessary, she coulda just cast ice magic on me…!
Then, she speaks. "You know. I'm starting to see why Akyuu warned us."
"Yep." I nod! "This was a fight and a half…!"
Man. Why's the village gotta be explodin' now. How do we even pray to Sanae. Do we pray ta Sanae or someone else…!?
Also, Atsutane is still here, just in lump form. The shrine maiden girls healed him, but he's passed out from pain. Which is actually especially impressive, 'cause I didn't get lumpified from pain the whole time! Provided, uh, I didn't get beat over the head with an iron or stabbed straight through the gut.
"Um…" One of the black-haired girls gets all fluffy before us. "Sorry. When master Ha gets all worked up, you know…"
"No, I don't know!" Master Ha, huh.
"If your master were any more worked up, he would probably be dead." Genkan threatens his life…! "Does he typically murder people to relieve stress?"
"We- well-... no." The fluffy girl cringes back. "It's just-... the village is in danger, I think." Ya think.
"Probably." Maria informs her! "I mean- it is probably. But…"
"I'm gonna give yer master a shave, son." I'm tempted to snip that wise man's beard right off his chin! "An' then I'm gonna make a fluffle outta his beard…!"
"Please don't?" The fluffy girl's practically crouching five meters away from us…! "He- he's-... really nice, when you get to know him."
Next fight we get in, I'm just gonna pull out my NERF dart blasters and blow 'em to kingdom come. The day's just freakin' begun!
"He has a thing against the Moriya here, too." She notices when I pan to the altar of stone people behind me. "So-... when he found youkai hiding in the Moriya's shrine here…"
"I got a thing against his beard!" I'm gonna do it son! "Lemme at 'em-"
The fluffy girl stood in my way! "Nn- no!"
"Awh." Well, I don't care that much, but still yo…!
The other shrine maidens come up in his defense! They all stare at me judgingly, daring me to try.
"...Well. Alright, yo." I'd rather not get fisticuffed to death by a buncha spooked shrine maidens… so I'm gonna hafta not…!
...Turnin' around, I see Akihito hiding behind the Moriya god statue thing. Freakin'!
"Son!" I start to go around it! "Son- I see you there! Aki-boy!"
Akihito gets spooked when I round it! But 'fore he speaks, I razzle frazzle 'em! "You freakin' puss-mc-goose! I almost got shishkebobed- an' here you are watching the entire thing!" I mean, provided, he woulda gotten creamed if he just stumbled into our way, but c'mon! Throw some rocks, or cheer…!
"Wh- I don't even know how you beat him!" Akihito threw his arms in the air! "I thought for sure he was gonna kill you all! And- he'd probably kill me too!"
"You're probably not wrong- but son-" I grab his shoulders! "I found ya a comfy place to sleep son- and ya repay me with leavin' me to fight freakin', Master Yeet ov- over here…!" Aa- alright, I can't finish that sentence without laughing…
But, man, yo. If there was one thing I thought Aki-man was, it wasn't a freakin' coward! Ah, whatever.
I come back around the front. Man, that's a lotta fluffy shrine maiden girls.
Maria stands across from them, at the shrine statue, looking fluffy in opposition. "...Um." Then, she focuses on the statue in question…
Whelp. Guess it's time ta pray, dude.
"Dear Santa!" I pray to Santa after I kneel! "Gimme a rutabaga!"
"Br- Brad, I think that's rude…" Maria tries to contain my power level.
"Don't tell him that." Genkan understands! "You've already doomed us."
"Dear-" What the heck do I call 'em… "Pesky, goddesses. The flufflings and I have taken the princess- to one of our seven fluffle hotels! I dare you ta find 'er if you can!"
...Aw, wait. "Can I get upgrades to my abilities from here!? S'this work like goddess of time statues? Yo- if I find enough spirit orbs, can I get a heart container!? Wait- no stamina, gimme a stamina container!"
"I want an air hike!" Yeehaw! "Air hockey table fer Christmas! Uuh. How 'bout an air puck. I- I don't know what that is- but if I asked for it, ya gotta bring me it, Santa! Actually- I wonder."
I knock on Suwako's ankle. "Hey- y'think if I asked Santa for sex doll, he'd bring me it? Does Christmas cheer run out, or like, is it cumulative? How much in exchange fer one!?"
"You're not getting a sex doll." Genkan immediately chaperones my thinking! "...I counteract your Christmas cheer, and replace it with my own." Uh oh. Shit.
Wait, yeah! "A really nice set a' black stockings fer Genkan!" Aw, yes. Stockings are a turn-on, dude. Actually- "Maybe a garterbelt!"
fwii~sh. Oh. And- with the wind-...!
Sanae appears before us, in a flare of blue light and spinnin', playful wind! Yes, dude! The goddess girl has arrived dude!
"Will you shut up." Sanae gives me one a' them big excited looks! "We can all hear you, you know!"
"Santa!" I yell into the statue! "Gimme a fluffle nickel! Ohp-"
Sanae runs behind me, and pulls back on my fuckin' hair! Oh- shit! "Santa! Santa-baby- help! Santy-"
cr- crack. Genkan tosses a snowball at me. "Oh shit!" It really spooks me!
...Then, Sanae looks around, notices the blood all over the floor, the lumpified dude, and all the vaguely opposed-looking shrine maiden girls. "Wh- what the heck happened here!?"
"We almost got murdered in front a' your statue." I wave it off. "Y'know, just human village things. Master Yeet over there- dude- he masturbated all over your statue and came on Kanako's head, by the way."
...Sanae gives me an open-mouthed look!
"That-" Genkan almost refutes! Almost! "...Hmm."
"I-..." Maria palms her own face. "Mmngh."
"He did that thing where he meditates!" I continue! "He was all like- hmm~ huu~ vrrr~-"
"You- really don't strike me as the kinda person who'd play League." Aw! Sanae got the reference! Hoh, shit!
...Also, I throw my arms in the air! "Ah I eahuah- I got pulled inta it fer a game 'er two. I ain't typically a big MOBA fan, but uh, its aesthetic and gameplay rubbed me the right way fer like three days."
Sanae gestures to Master Yeet, which is what I shall now forever call him. "Okay- so what of that did he really do."
"We were almost murdered." Genkan begins, so I can't accuse him of-... masturbatory? Adultry? What the fuck would that be- overzealous worship?
"If I gave the Kanako statue a facial, would Kanako feel it?" I must ask Sanae.
...Sanae brings up her gohei, oh shit! "We ain't havin' any of that…!"
"I'm curious though, dude!" I actually kinda am- ow! "Dude- aagh!" She gohei-whacked me!
"There's a lotta things you can ask me- and that ain't one of them!" She points at me! "If you wanna get pervy-... do it with Genkan there!" Holy shit she remembered Genkan's name. I mean- we did just talk recently, but yo.
...I turn to Genkan, who is cuddly by definition.
Sanae is like paused, as if expecting Genkan to freak out. "Uuh." Her whole momentum's thrown off, 'cause Genkan just doesn't react!
Oh! Right! She was never told, was she?
"We're lovers now." Genkan catches the memo, and takes the time to inform her! "Three condoms have been consumed."
Sanae's jaw drops. "Ooh… holy shi~t. Wow. Good for you guys! Did I help!?" Pft- wow…!
...Genkan nods, after a moment! "The breast enlarging bra probably disturbed the balance of sexual tension to some degree. The condoms-... I- I appreciated those."
"Hehehe~..." I can't believe Sanae's perverted too. "That's great. You guys are a weird couple, but you work really well, I think!" ...Y'know, s'pretty natural of Sanae to think that innit.
...Then, she turned to the maiden horde. "Now, what're you guys doing here. Actually- why'd you guys call me…!?"
Wait. We need help! "We need help!" I iterate verbally! "So we called for help!"
"Help!?" Sanae springs with energy! "...How do you need help. If this is a bathroom joke- I swear-"
"It's-... not, actually!" I shake my head! "The village is actually getting assfucked. Something went wibbly wobbly- and now youkai are running around suplexing chicks they like into paste- and really burly villagers with adamantite swords are insta-killing everyone they look at!" Or- something to that effect. Genkan didn't keep me around long enough to find out…!
Sanae clicked her tongue against the roof of her mouth. "Tch. Aah. Yeah, that sounds bad."
"We- we came to get your help." Maria speaks up! "I know you wanted us to help-... and, um, now's pretty much do or die, I think. It's getting really bad out there."
"What even happened." Sanae wants ta know! "I don't think it was ever this bad…!"
"Something something government?" The details are vague to me! "I think honda no Miko doubled-down on some kinda policies… like that uh- destroy all youkai clause or somethin'."
"Oh. Well, naturally…" Sanae shook her head. "Well. I guess I'll go down to the council. Um… that thing we wanted help with, it's across the village from here. Oh! Also!"
She pointed at this tiny vanity I just now noticed. "There's some Moriya outfits in there, if you want 'em."
Oh, right. We still got a Sanae outfit for Genkan!
"...Me and Maria probably won't wear them!" I decide! "If only because we're outside most of the time, so cold resistance is kind of a must…!"
"Oh, right!" Sanae blinked! "...Where'd you get cold resistance from? Now I really want some of that…! Well- do whatever with 'em, just take them! We're trying to get rid of some…! In fact-"
Shoof! She rips a shelf out of the vanity, and- wow, that's a bigger shelf on the inside…!
She takes a whole pile of different Moriya Shrine outfits from inside…! "We- we made too many…"
...Comin' up to me- uh oh-
She tries to just dump 'em all on me, so I gotta grab them all before she deposits them all on the floor by accident!
"There." Sanae gave me a big nod. Her perfume wafts over the pile, reminding me she is a soft woman who smells nice. "Cool! So…"
Movin' past the black-white maidens, Sanae rotates around, and gives us all a big smile! "So! We need help building to the north!"
"Building?" Genkan wondered… "Outside of the village's boundaries? Isn't that unsafe?"
Sanae shook her head. "It's not like the boundaries do anything anymore. We looked into it- those big all-beast men are like, dead or something. Or hiding. Or asleep. Whatever the case is- the walls really aren't serving a big purpose anymore. At least, not enough for little extensions not to be okay. Uhm…"
She looked at one of the black-white maidens, who was unassuming and fluffy. "I mean- I might hafta take the reigns of the guard people myself at this point, 'cause it doesn't seem like the village can protect it from itself."
Y'know. "Can't Suwako just… make earth materials. S'there a point to building anything!?"
Sanae nods! "...You guys won't be building! You'd just be there to help keep anything stupid from happening. Even with Lady Suwako's help, construction takes some careful planning to go right and go fast. Especially with modern building practices and regulations!"
It still feels like she can just snap her fingers an' have it all made, but whatever! "...How long would it take without 'er help, actually?"
Sanae gives me a blunt look. "This project might take like, a week as it is. Otherwise it'd probably take months. Plus- digging the river at some point's gonna be a hu~ge paperwork headache. Especially 'cause the village is apparently cannibalizing itself as we speak." Y'know, that's fair…!
"Anyway!" Sanae moves for the door! "...You guys should all move for the north-west. There should be a door in the quieter neighborhood up there, that goes outside the village and to the riverbed, and the windmill. I'll catch up with you later."
Shoof. She slides the front door a' the shrine back open, and starts to move out-
But, she pauses once outside, leanin' back in through the door! "Oh! And- don't die! It'd be really sad!"
Genkan snorts. "...I don't think we were planning on it." But, Sanae's already off in the real world, dude. Wheel world.
...I turn ta Akihito! "I'm 'boutta torment you son."
"Wh- what?" He jerks his head back! "Hey- aa-"
Before I can inflict torment on him, Maria gets in my way and prods me off with her staff…! "Yo- awh…"
"No." She's casual about it, too! "Nnn~... no."
...When I turn left, one of the black-white maidens is casually right over my shoulder, an' I jump! "Woah! Who- the frik're-"
"Yawara~." She immediately leers at me…! "Master Ha's second-in-command. And who're you?"
"Tubby." Tibby tabby tubs. Also- yer in my personal space…!
I take two steps back fer the sake of it, an' she takes two steps closer. "Look at me." What, no. She pokes the bridge of her own nose. "Focus here." She's got black hair an' a fluffy pony-tail. Also, she's kind of a weirdo!
Lookin' over at Genkan-
"Look at me." Yawara beams at me, and steps into the way! What is this- a bad dream…!? "Look, at, me. Focus-"
Genkan shoves her out of the way! "What-... what are you doing."
"Ehehehe!" Yawara giggles, and backs up! "Sorry~. I'll stop."
"Yawara- don't…" One of the brown-haired fluffy maidens shuffled up to us. "Don't do your weird mind tricks on them. They seem like okay people."
Yawara glares back at her. "Don't paint me like some kind of freak. They aren't mind tricks. ...They're just social shortcuts."
"I'll cut you short, if you do anything weird to us." Genkan threatens her life…! "Perhaps Brad will make good on taking your master's beard."
Yawara grins! "Yeah- whatever, take it. What're you doing for that Yasakan maiden? Or, Moriya. Whichever." Y'say that like there's more than just Sanae.
"...I'm not entirely sure, but I think we're… security." Genkan judges perhaps correctly!
"I'm coming with you!" Yawara flares a hand before her face, and beams brilliantly…! "This sounds like more fun than screwing around with you guys, anyway." She gives the other maidens a wave…!
"What're we- building an army?" Maria looked intimidated…!
Genkan quietly glides between me and Maria, and speaks quietly. "Perhaps, if we get enough people, we won't have to actually do any fighting ourselves…"
...Seeing her reasoning, Maria nods. "I- I'll shut up." Good…!
"See you outsi~de!" Yawara bolts outside, into the bright, snow-crested day.
...With her outside, it's just us and the nugget maidens.
"I'm sorry she's weird." One of the other maidens bows!
"Master's gonna be confused… and mad, probably."
"Yawara is his favorite, after all…"
...I turn to Akihito- an' I grab onto his freakin' doofy brown hair! "Wh- ow- ow-" Yeehaw!
"Brad…!" Maria comes to corral me!
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
Genkan now has the Sanae outfit on, with the cow bra on beneath it. "...I-... I feel like this was made for someone younger than me. And- with a smaller-... you know." Holy shit that cleavage.
Also- that frog pin in her hair. It's almost like I'm lookin' at Sanae, but Genkan's eternally half-tired face makes it so much hotter, holy shit.
"You look fuckin' stunning." I'm getting- well-... it's arousing! Just lookin' at her! Holy fuck!
Genkan looks away, her cheeks glowin' a little brighter. "Did- you have to say it like that…" Oh my god. I love you.
Maria has a small expression between us…!
Also, behind us is the variable posse of fuckin' whackos.
"Oh? Are you two clo~se?" Yawara creeps up behind Maria, and acts as creepy as a late-teens, early-twenties lookin' girl can act! "No wonder you didn't let me just screw with him…"
Genkan snorts! "Were you there for the fighting? ...I don't think you were."
"I was watching. Bra~d here copied one of master's techniques. I was impressed. That's why I wanted to come with you all. Not everyone's as gifted at fighting as Master Ha."
He- he's gifted? He didn't seem all that special ta me… especially 'cause I just kinda flailed wildly at him an' he got fucked up. If he really were gifted- he woulda jabbed at me and really abused my hanger's stupidness. Then again, Genkan an' Maria were harassin' him, with spooky youkai magic.
"He's gifted alright!" I unleash the art of the poorly veiled insult…! "But'cha know what he doesn't have?" I pan to Genkan! "Snow boobs."
"Yeah, um, little known fact." Maria pipes up! "The cow bra has the unlisted effect of making Brad's IQ drop by twenty points."
"Like you don't stare too." Genkan accuses her!
"I- I mean…!" Maria gets flustered! "They-... they do look good- but I mean- nnn…" Ya tried, Maria.
"Well- that's nothing to be ashamed of!" Akihito speaks up! "I think they look good, too!"
...I pause. When I slow, Akihito tries to navigate around me, but I get in his way!
"Alright- hey, son." I hold up a finger! "Points for yer completely unashamed bravery! Points off fer basically hittin' on 'er!"
Facin' us casually, Genkan snorts! "...You say that like he had a chance."
But wait, it gets better! "The important part's that Aki-boy here's supposed ta have his own girlfriend…!"
Genkan blinks! "Oo- oh, right. I'd… forgotten."
"Wha- what'd I do!?" Akihito remains dense as a harem protagonist would be! "I just said she-..." Aw. There we go. The look of a revelation.
I pat 'em on the cheek, an' he shies away! "Ya- ya get me now? Ya got it now…!?"
"Ye- yes…" He knows what he did, dude. "I didn't know."
I pat 'em on the head an' ruffle his hair! "Y'didn't know?"
"...I didn't know?"
Fwish. I summon the fluff from the aether, and hold it up to his face.
"Boop noses." I demand of him.
...Gingerly, Akihito leans forward, and bumps his nose against the fluffle's shell nose.
An' then I reel the fluffle back-
whump! An' I whack him with it!
"Pft- kh- kaugh- achoo!" Wahaha! "Rrgh-... yh- yhou…!" Aw, shit! Boogers and snots, dude!
...Oh- he's mad, too! I run ahead, past the others an' Genkan!
Ha-chan's here, drifting before us. Man- what a clusterfuck of a small army we are…!
fwish. As the fluffle desummons, I survey the alley we're in.
We're in that area near Keine's house, behind her school. Shit's kinda peaceful back here, actually. Snowy and quiet…
Okay- we had one encounter with some delinquent students who wanted to go sicko mode, but they screwed off 'cause there's like twenty million of us, and like none of them…!
Clouds have overcasted the sky above, so now everything's white and sleek, dude.
We move out from the space between a buncha quaint, one-story homes, and enter a strange road.
It's this one road behind Keine's house. It has a couple actually well-roofed single-story homes on it, but the last time they were repaired was probably like, an eon ago.
Wait. As we near the area of the village Sanae told us to comb earlier…
There is a new structure that particularly does not fit here. It sticks out like a sore thumb! There's a green McDonald's M on the top of a white LED sign- like the kind you'd see for like, gas stations.
'Cause this is basically a gas station, but without the pumps. Then, uh, it's a convenience store.
"Moriya Mart." They even put English on the front of the shop…! "Holy shit." We're goin' inside, son. Talk about a blast from the past…! Future? The- the outside, it's a blast of the outside!
"Dude." I lead the others. "We're gonna buy some Combos, dude."
"Some what." Genkan isn't sure what I said…!
"What's with you guys and the Moriya?" Yawara asks! "You seem obsessed." Hyperbole for the sake of making us feel slightly weird, aaa~h!
"We're crazy about 'em, dude." I beam at her! "Sanae is my mom, dude!" Actually- maybe I shouldn't say that, that's kind of a mean thing to say 'bout Sanae…!
"Sanae will buy me a gazebo." Genkan…!
An' then, we're across the snow-laden, somewhat uneven dirt road, and we're there.
Di~ng, do~ng. A computerized bell announces our arrival-
Ding- ding- dong- ding- dong- dong- ding! Uh oh. I can't believe we're raiding a convenience store…! The motion sensor had a weird time with all of us!
"Aw!" Aw, dude! There's a chick in a hokey Sanae costume at the front counter! That's- especially awkward and hilarious, for some reason! "Hey, Sanae!"
"Uu- wh- ah…!?" She boggles her eyes at all of us! "Where'd all of you come from!?"
I purse my lips, trying my hardest not to smile. "...We- well, okay, we'll leave- then-"
"No! Don't!" Wahaha! "Wh- aah…!"
"Yeah!" I jump in the air, and pump an arm up! "Aw- dude…!"
I begin browsing the very back of the store, expecting the typical shitty array of beer and Sprite and Trite and whatever other shitty sodas there are- I don't drink soda- and other crap like Gatorade or Monster, bu~t…
They actually have a lot more back here! Wait- holy shit.
Coming up to the chip aisle, across the store, I behold. Lays chips. I typically don't give any shit about Lays any day of the week, but-...
These flavors. Ya got shitty-stinky ol' original- but then you got-...
"Lobster flavored Lays." What in the nine fucks is this.
Ri~p! Tearing open the bag right there in the aisle, I grab a handful, and-
Crunch! Crunch! Holy shit. Holy shit.
We've done it boys. We found fucking Lays at one in the afternoon.
Is it me- or is this place like, bigger than a normal convenience store? Pro'lly 'cause it's the only one in Gensokyo but-...
Dude- the drinks back here! There's actual smoothies and shit- and bottled health yogurt- and-
Flavored milk. Strawberry milk.
Instantly, I open the icy glass door, and take out some of that sweet milk. Pop the cap open, and drink.
"You-... you ha- have to pay for that, you know." Not-Sanae doesn't want us to el chapo her outta the goods…!
I reach into my bag, and draw fifty thousand smackaroos, like a fookin' hooligan. "This-... probably will pay for a lot!"
"Um…!" She's tempted, but, "the-... the milk's seventy five yen, and the chips were one hundred ten yen… just- I- I'll ring it up at check-out. Just don't eat everything in-aisle…"
Y'know, that's fair. "I'll try not! Just got caught up in the moment!" Ah, yes, we even have stiff, unresponsive supervision from the convenience store staff! Just like I remember it, dude. They probably don't have enough customers for that business model, but s'whatever! It's part of the novelty!
"You'd think she'd have taken the money…" Genkan voiced similar thinking quietly!
Aw, then she returned to casually staring down the chips behind us, in the bleak white of the winter day, and the convenience store's unnaturally white fluorescents.
A cute, muted convenience store soundtrack drones on in the background, as we stare down the chips, and Genkan seems to unconsciously twitch to the beat a little.
This moment feels iconic, fer some reason. Genkan at the convenience store, dude.
"What-..." Akihito is lost, and confused. "Um…" Actually, I think he's awed by the technology! "What- is all of this…?"
"Yeah, uhm…" Yawara is also pretty out of sorts! "This-... place is weirdly… different…"
"It's convenient, dude." Wait- aw, dude!
There's fluffles amidst the goods on the shelves! I scoop up some, and give them to Maria. "Dust barnacles."
"Okay." Maria holds them with some degrees of standoffishness…
Anyway, I guess we're buyin' this strawberry milk, and these lobster flavored Lays. "We should get a buncha that flavored milk to go, yo. Also, hmm…"
I hold out the lobster chip bag for Genkan! "Try some a' these, yo. Outside chips."
"...Outside chips." Genkan blinked. "Sold all in bags, like these?"
"Ye." Ain't it… convenient? "Keeps good for months, maybe even years… until ya open it. The bags are all air-tight." If I remember right, you basically just check for mold after the good date. That, and the flavors probably naturally decay or some shit.
"That-... seems almost too convenient." Maria gets it! "Is there any catch?"
"Yep!" I grin! "It's like, not at all good for you! Nearly no nutritional value! Makes ya think you aren't dying- but you are- and that's about it! Tastes good too, but it quickly grows stale…" I shake my head at the bag. "Still fun, though. Particularly on the outside, where good cookin' is rare as ass… which is rare, I think. Le- lemme rephrase that…! It's rare!"
"...You're not even framing it as a bad thing, but it still feels like one." Genkan disparages the chips… "How do they put the chips in the bags, if they're airtight? Magic?"
I shake my head! "Machines, yo. No one person bakes 'em all- they're made in factories, shipped all over the world, and-" I was about to say, they put bakers out of jobs just about! ...Actually, I'm gonna say it anyway. "They put bakers outta jobs, just about! Almost any food ya can think of that's not a specialty dish is on shelves like these. And they've also all lost nearly all their nutritional value- unless ya go make 'em yourself anyway!"
"Alright- but why." Maria wants to know! "Why would they lose, like… nutrition?"
"Nutrition costs money!" Basically! "Make it taste good and fill it with nutrients? S'basically what cooking things yourself is for. ...Probably harder to preserve, now that I think about it. These things cost nearly nothing, and ya get what'cha pay for!"
Crunch. I eat a lobster-flavored chip… an' then I swallow it. "Gotta admit though- back in the states, they didn't have none of these fancy flavors. I bet Japanese convenience stores are wild!"
"So- what happens to the bakers, then? They must still make good stuff." Maria's really adamant about this baker thing! Wait-... I wonder. Wasn't she a baker, or somethin'? Her mom, maybe?
"Yeah, they do, but it's more expensive, so y'know…" Not as easy to sell. "Also, good bakin's one-of-a-kind… which means ya can't mass-produce it. Those kindsa people're better put in restaurants, an' city bakeries… an' sometimes supermarket high-octane hyper bakeries." Yeah- I dunno how much about how that kinda thing's corporatized.
Crunch. "Mmh…" These lobster chips though- gonna be honest with ya, if I never had to crack open another lobster proper as long as I lived, I wouldn't miss it…! I dunno- to me, eatin' lobster's always been like, sixty percent butter, and forty percent some good lobster flavor, but it's like an hour long process to eat something that doesn't have a lotta meat on it. Why can't we get shit with a lot of meat that also tastes good? Why one or the other?
I suppose that's a long-winded way a' sayin', I'd prefer lobster flavor in more junk food! Just so I don't gotta crack open actual lobsters…! Even if those are, y'know, actually kinda good for you…
Maybe the world needs an automatic lobster opener. Yeah, I think that'd solve everything.
I hold the bag before Maria. "Chip…?"
...She eyes the bag suspiciously, before electin' to take one.
Crunch. Wait, has she ever had lobster before? How the fuck's this village get lobsters if it does…!? Freakin' imports, dude. As for this store- no way this ain't all imported. Extreme doubt that there're any Lays factories inside the barrier…!
Maria tries ta talk. "Mmh-... thi-" Swallow before you speak, son. I feel like this situation's in reverse. But, she does swallow it! "Mn. This does taste-... unique, at least."
"Be glad!" I smile! "I've had to live with the ones that taste only like salt or cheese for the past ten thousand years…!"
"Alright-" Akihito comes up to us proper, instead of just asking questions to no one in particular! "What is all this stuff!?"
"Junk food." ...I grin! "Also, low-tier care products-... yeah." Why's there pharmacy medicine here. Really is just an all-in-one store. A lot of these beauty and convenience products probably don't exist here normally… aside from maybe Reisen's medicine stall, and Eientei. "And drinks."
"But-" He points at the milk I got! "What's with those-... crystal bottles?"
Pft. "It ain't crystal, son. It's plastic. The most manmade material in the history of materials…!"
"Well- where'd those come from!? Plastic can't be made-... just, out of nowhere." Akihito hazards. But, y'know, when I think about it, I bet magic could create plastic kinda easily. It probably wouldn't be used often to create uniform, mass-produced plastics, but it could be.
"They came from the sky." I nod warmly. "The plastic god departed it onto the land."
...Akihito- is he actually buyin' this. "The- the plastic god? Is-... is she that gracious?" Son.
Wha- aw. Genkan takes the chip bag from my hands, and munches a little…
"I- I was jokin'." I'm gonna break it to him straight! "This plastic's all from the outside! Out there, you can just make it!"
"Well- how'd it get into here!?" Why's he so insistent about knowin' about plastic!? "And- how about these lights, then!?"
"Son- if I had ta describe to you every invention the outside has fer its shit-tier gas stations that the typical human villager house don't, we'd be here 'till after Christmas!" I'll be Genkan an' Maria's encyclopedia- but not yours…! "Ask the cashier-... clerk-... the- the seller!" I point at not-Sanae!
"...What's Christmas?" Alright, I'm done…!
Yawara comes up to me next! "Should I get the black lipstick, or the red?" Why ask me. Wait.
I look at Genkan! "Aw! Yo, Genkan!" I call her out, despite her being right there!
...She consumes some chippage, and then speaks. "Mmh?"
"Have you considered lipstick, ever?" I propose! "It's… sticky, and lippy!"
"...On occasion, actually." She pursed her lips. "Do you think it's-... pertinent?"
I shrug. "Ah, I dunno. I think it'd be fun to play with. Although, ain't lipstick kind of a bitch to put on…?"
"Well, to you, certainly." Genkan shook her head…! "Fortunately for the both of us, I'm familiar with the procedures of beauty and care. It's just, often us snow women believe more in our natural beauty. Some of us do wear lipstick, on occasion, but…"
Then, she furrowed her brows. "Do these chips need dust that gets all over your hands?" Her pale hands were stained red with Lays dust…!
"Right…!?" I hate that shit! It made using a keyboard and eatin' them at the same time a serious hassle! "Normally I don't care- but dust on chips specifically makes them more of a commitment than they oughta be!" Forces me ta eat 'em with a movie or a long Youtube video 'er some shit...
"C'mon." Yawara's closer now…! "Black or red." She points at her own lips. "Pick one, honey."
"Baby-barf green." Since yer bein' so bossy, miss whats-yer-face, ya get option D! "Why me…!?"
"You're a guy. You know what looks good on a woman." She gives me a smirk with all too much vigor, I feel. "Unlike that stupid kid, Aki-boy, or so you call him…"
Y'know, that's kinda fair. I don't think Akihito can pick the color of his own socks in the morning…
Anyway! "Mmh- mm." I drink some of that strawberry milk. Aw, yeah.
"I think red." She picks an option without my input, and hustles off to find it…
"Some of the things on sale here…" Maria is still holding all the fluffles. "It really is-"
boof. A fluffle jolts up and headbutts her mouth as she speaks. "...It- it really is too good to be true. Look at all this candy…"
Oh, yeah, addendum! "Candy's just as bad for you outside as it is for you inside! That… has probably not changed!"
"Good." Maria snorted.
Man, dude. There's something about the convenience store aesthetic. Provided, this one feels weirdly clean. I'm used to the rundown suburban wasteland feel. Where's the cashier who hardly speaks English…!? Well- that's still technically true here, but English ain't exactly in style in Gensokyo. Probably more than any other secondary language, but still pretty much, y'know, gone.
"Still don't feel quite like home." I take a good whiff of the pleasantly citrus-scented air. "The smell a' shit ain't waftin' from the restroom, an' the paint's not peeling off the walls. And there's a lot of actually cool shit for sale, rather than just candy and the same salt-flavored chips!"
Aw. Y'know what we need? Toilet paper. I'm gonna TP someone at some point, son. Ooh- kleenexes! And- a bag of Kit Kats-... wait! All the Kit Kat flavors are here! Oh my god.
I turn to Maria, take a fluffle, and nuzzle its freckles.
"Aa- tsst…" Ah, fuck, I sneezed.
Ha-chan holds up a really big Snickers bar. "Can I get one of these!?"
"Ye!" Woohoo! "Let's go on a shoppin' spree!"
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
I got Genkan those white shudder-shade glasses, from the old ass memes. They didn't have neon green as a color.
"These are ugly." Genkan immediately decides, adjusting the giant pink-yellow straw hat I also put on her.
"Yep!" I grin! "It's yer disguise, dude."
We're at the check-out. Man, for some reason, this whole trip's felt like a mini-vacation.
Maria puts down a pile of fluffles, a box of frozen Super Pretzels- that I have no idea how she'll prepare without a microwave, but she'll probably find a way- and some corporate-produced bread. This isn't so bad though, 'cause chances are they had Yukari steal everything or something.
Ha-chan puts down that big Snickers bar, and a fuckin' sparkplug, in a little cardboard-plastic package. What the fuck- y'know what, I don't wanna know. Autoparts. For what in the human village, I don't freakin' know.
Genkan got another fluffy bag of chips, and a tub of ice cream by my recommendation…!
Me?
Thump. I set down a tiny plastic basket, full of flavored milks- chocolate, strawberry, banana, the works. Some energy drinks, they sold potions here, and ethers too so I actually got like, two Hi-potions, four potions, two mega-potions, three mega-ethers for no reason, five mana potions- eithers, whatever ya call 'em-... aah…
Maria takes pause, noticing something to the left of the check-out counter. "...Um. What- are these?"
Not-Sanae looks somewhat spooked, at the proposal of having to answer customer questions. "Um-... aah- those are Moriya Mart's custom brand of prefab spells…"
Oh. That's what those magazines and brochures are. I thought they were the usual shitty gossip mags that exist to somehow generate profit for the writers despite no one buying them, through the sheer power of corporate autism. Or, in other words, 'filling landfills because corporate reasons'...!
"...They're all based on wind stuff." Maria picked up one of them, and flicked through the pages. "What kinda prefabs are these…?"
"Th- they're based on magic taught by lady Kochiya herself…" Not-Sanae informs us! "Passed down to her by the goddess Yasaka. They're-... really, quite interesting, if really hard to make out. Aa- as a reader- not as a… vendor."
"Huh." ...Maria sits the magazine down on the fluffle pile, and it slowly sinks amidst the friend-shaped loaves. "Um."
...I look behind me, and see Akihito an' Yawara. Akihito has a foam sword, and some chip bags, and Yawara has a small plastic basket full of miscellaneous beauty products.
"The fuck do you two want." No. "No- I ain't payin' fer your shit…!"
Yawara gives me a middle finger! "Fuck yeah you are. I- I mean-" That was awfully out of character fer her…! "What are you, poor?"
"...The bank of Brad is closed, son." I give 'er the cold shoulder! "I bet ya came with yer money, so don't gimme no sass."
"Um, I- I didn't expect you to…" Akihito is, at least, decent. I mean- s'more the principle than the cost!
"I'll have you both know I am an entire Bionicle." I wave my finger at 'em. "Do not test my-..." I crack a grin as Genkan stares at me judgingly…!
Wait, do they sell Bionicles here somewhere. Hold the fuck up.
"I'll be right back." I part from everyone, and return to the shelves. "The Krakatoa clan needs me…!"
Alright! Ignoring the handful of strange stares I probably got- let's look…
Toys, toys, toys- ahah. Ooh, Legos, we're gettin' close…
And- aw, dude. Yes, dude. Wow, two thousand yen for one. Expensive as ass fuck, an' there ain't any other way you can have it.
"Just like Christmas morning." This green one looks cool, I guess. Maybe I'll give it to Maria or Ha-chan as a brain-teaser.
I just realized, I could literally thief the fuck out of everything with my hammerspace bag. Wait…
Looking at the ceiling, I trace it with my gaze-... ahah. Little black ball things. 360 cameras.
Grinnin', I wave at one, and quietly return to the aisles… man, Sanae- or Kanako, whichever- they knew who they were dealin' with. Not that I'd go all klepto on 'em, but I ain't every person…!
Also- can you imagine the amount a' uncaught and unreported thefts in this era? Maybe not so so much in the human village, but in this time period as a whole, ho~h...
Back at the counter, I put the Bionicle in my basket. "Alright- I'm good…!"
Beep. She's already done scanning most of our stuff with her laser gun.
Beep. Beep. Beep. "Uum." Not-Sanae looks at the computerized screen over the register… "That'll be, um… seven thousand, five hundred ninety yen."
What's that, seventy bucks of shit? Yeah, whatever! I slap fifty thousand yen down on the counter! "Whelp, bought, sold, auctioneered- we're takin' it all! Keep the change!" Ya filthy animal…!
"Oo- oh…!?" Not-Sanae fluffs up! "Ok- okay…" This kinda thing doesn't fly at outside retail stores! I bet counterfeiting's so rare in Gensokyo that no one really does it.
...I look at Genkan, who has her white shutter-shade glasses and her pastel straw hat back on.
"Between that Moriya outfit an' everything else, no one's gonna suspect a thing…!" Yeah, dude!
"I think just the shrine maiden dress was enough for that." Genkan voices her skepticism…! "I feel suitably stupid wearing it all at once, however."
...After a moment, she takes 'em off, and puts them on me!
"Awh." But she looked cute with them on…
"They fit you better." Genkan remarks! But…!
"Yeah- anything fits me better, 'cause I'm already cursed!" I take 'em off! "Yo- Maria- stand still-"
"Wh- whah. No." She refuses. "I don't wanna look like a lunatic."
I hold 'em up for Ha-chan, but she already has a black pair of sunglasses on- still with the tag on 'em and everything. Did we buy those? I mean, we sure as hell paid for 'em, so whatever!
"Dang it." I guess it is up to me to live up to the mistakes of my ancestors, and don the glasses.
When I put on the shutter-shade glasses, Genkan put the pastel sunhat on me too. "I don't need to look like I'm on vacation."
"Aw." Grinning, I pan my gaze over Yawara an' Akihito as they're checkin' out, and-
Immediately, I'm confronted by a woman with long, red hair. She's in a maroon kimono done up with really fancy, pink floral accents, and-
She's wearing white shutter-shades too, and the same hat but in neon green and cyan instead.
We're both stunned, as we behold each other.
...I point at her! "Are you me?"
"Am I you?" She points at me!
"I'm me!" I affirm!
"Pleased to meet me!" She holds out her hand!
"Hoh!" Dude…! "Pleased ta meet myself- if I do say so myself!" I shake her hand!
We both give a shake so hard in opposite directions we almost throw each other off balance…!
"Aw- it's your pleasure!" She grins back!
"No, yo, s'yours!" Holy shit.
...Dude- a Christmas music instrumental begins playing over the dinky convenience store radio. Yo.
...I look back at Genkan an' Maria, an' they both look spooked!
"So!" I'm not sure what to say! ...Reachin' into my plastic basket, I shake about the Bionicle container, fore puttin' it in my bag-
The girl reached into her kimono, and took an orange-colored Bionicle container out of it. "You picked green? What mainstream taste!"
"Wha- green?" Son. "Orange's only a hue away from red! Green's got that esoteric vibe goin' on!"
"But orange is the color of blaze and brazen!" She wags a finger at me! "Dark green's the tryhard esoteric color!"
"Well kinda- but it's still a safe one!" I fold my arms! "...I did consider gettin' orange. Hey yo- I had this party of people to attend to. It was a split decision!"
...She pursed her lips, and nodded. "Well, that's fair, I guess. Lemme guess: shortie's the mage, sexy's…" She stuck her tongue out, in that 'thinking' manner. "Sexy's the love interest, of course! And probably a hard hitter. And-"
She sees Ha-chan meander back into the scene. "...Fairly fairy friend fighter! What the heck're you running, a harem?" Son- "An' the other two bozos are just bozos." She could sense their side character energy.
I snap my fingers! "You are-... pretty much correct!" What the fuck're you!? "An' you just travel alone, then? Aw- is this your post-game?"
She jerks her head back! "Wha~t. How'd you know. Oh, man…" She leaned back, a hand to her forehead. "This old lady's adventuring days have lo~ng since passed. Lo~ng, long… except for when they haven't."
Yer not even old. S'probably the joke! "So what was your party comprised of?"
"Nuh-uh-uh." She waved a finger at me, standin' upright! "That's supposed to be teased for the prequel. I can't just tell you!"
"Fake and gay." I shake my head. "It'd have a lot more impact if you just told me! Then you could hype 'em up!"
She pointed her finger at me! "Well you and your girlfriend- or will-be girlfriend- have probably not have sex yet, after two hundred chapters of repeated character development!"
Tsk. Her power level is weak. "That's where you're wrong, son."
"Wh- what…!?" Her expression becomes deadly serious! "...You lie."
"There is no lying." I cast an arm into the air, and grin. "I sniffed Genkan's panties in victorious afterglow the next morning. My skull is not quite dense enough, son."
"Brad-" Genkan gets spooky behind me! "Wh- nnrgh-" Really spooky!
"Well…" Maroon girl shook her head. "I know when I've been beat. To regain my honor, I'll follow you. Until I regain my police officer instincts."
Pa- police officer instincts.
...I turn, an' notice Maria munching from the chip bag she'd glared down earlier.
"Aw." I wonder if she's come around to it. I mean- it is an insult to her baker heritage- but it's also there.
"...It- it tastes good." She clarifies, as if I'm judgin' her! "Not well-made, but-... it's something, and it's flavorful…"
Inhaling, I give her a big nod, and sympathize. "Ah, yes. The dichotomy of the snack chip. Ya desperately wanna equivocate it to quality, home cookin', or careful crafting. When really- it's just one of millions pumped out. An' to be honest, if these bags were imported from people's pantries and not the supermarkets or warehouses, the world will have lost, in essence, completely nothing."
Genkan finds that weird! "...Why pantries, rather than warehouses?"
"'Cause if it's missing from a warehouse, it can't be sold for the trans-continental business ta make money! It's lost profit, yo. S'a serious sin!" I rub my fingers together! "If it's missing from a house, the person who bought it oughta forget, and the money's still in exchange! Call it a phantom tax…!"
...I see Maria rueing the chips, and hold up my hands! "But- don't get me wrong! Ain't nothin' wrong with enjoyin' some chips! 'Cause, like, this's how I look at 'em... even if your entire freakin' town abstained from them, they're already consumed globally around the world to the point that whether ya do or don't buy them, it don't mean anything to the…" I make air quotes wit' my fingers! "'Bakers'...!"
"Unless, y'know, everyone stopped buying them. Which ain't gonna happen, 'cause it's so convenient, it's one of few things kinda-sorta easy in virtually everyone's lives."
"Screw this." Maria lowers the chip bag. "I'm gonna reverse-engineer them. This is stupid." Wow! That's a new one…!
Maroon girl speaks up, givin' me a look! "Wow, dude. Got a real chip on your shoulder, huh?"
Son- just 'cause I had ta elaborate a bunch don't mean- ah, whatever. Wait. Motherfucker. "...I- I just realized that was a pun. You freakin'-"
Maroon girl doubles over in laughter! "Nhe- hehehe~! How's that chip- on yer shoulder!?"
"So~n." I thought I was he who did the bamboozling, goddammit…!
...I look over at Maria, who has a really mixed expression! An' at my somewhat pitiful stare, she explains her thinking! "I can't eat and enjoy these in good conscience, after everything you just said. Is the outside so full of things to be sad about?"
"Well-" I hold up a finger. She's-... hmm. "Y'see-" Hmm. "Well, yes…! But- y'know… considerin' how rare those chip bags are in here, even though they got an evil backstory, I don't think it particularly matters."
"...Yeah." Maria agrees! "I'll think about it. I'd much rather remake them." Well- I ain't gonna stop ya from doin' that. "Ee- eventually." Ho~h…
Genkan spoke up! "Your mother was a baker, wasn't she?"
"Mmm." Maria nods. "I wanted to get into baking too. When things slow down, I'm… probably gonna do that." Ho~h…
"I did always like breadstuffs." I admit. "How about you, maroon girl. Do you like bread stuffs."
"I'm Kotohime, green guy!" Kotohime corrects me!
"An' I'm Brad!" I clarify for her too!
"...I do like bread stuffs." Kotohime eventually agreed! "It keeps the chips off my shoulder." Goddammit. I don't even know how many layers that sentence has. More than a chip, that's fer sure…!
"I'm Yawara!" Yawara announces, standing between us, for some reason.
...When we both stare at her, she smiles giddily. "Ehehe. How embarrassing… you're both staring at me."
"Oh, geez. No." Kotohime shook her head. "You're speakin' cringe, girl." Hoh, shit!
Yawara jerks her head back! "Wh- aa-"
Kotohime replies, in intentionally broken English even. "You're gonna lose worshipper."
"What'd I do?" Yawara held onto her own head, making an attempt to pose in a cute way!
Kotohime met my gaze, shook her head while smiling, an' then moved fer the door. "C'mon, everyone! Let's go!" Wait- who died an' made you the leader…!?
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
Crea~k. Making our way out of an unguarded side door of the village walls- only able to be opened with some special key that apparently Kotohime just had on her- we meander on outside.
Oh! I see the half-built windmill! And- a freakin' riverbed, of some kind. It stops at the village walls, and doesn't seem to currently hold much of anything, other than snow and mud.
"Aah." Genkan looks refreshed, dude. "Snow fields…"
"Ge- geez…" Akihito gets colder, now that we're out of the village!
"So!" I speak up! "...This is Sanae's freakin'... place she wanted our help at."
...Man. Let's count: me, Genkan, Maria, Aki-dude, Yawawawa, Ha-chan, Kotohime…
Seven people. An' when Sanae gets here, that's 'bouta be eight. Sweet Jesus fuck. It's a full-on freakin' holiday party, dude!
We even got chips an' milk! "Yo! When we get in the windmill- we gotta throw a party, dude!" Yeehaw!
Kotohime reaches inta her kimono- an' draws a huge jug of Hawaiian Punch! "I got dri~nks!" Holy shit!
"I'm afraid." Genkan expresses her concern!
"We- we really didn't need two." Maria also feels doomed…!
"She's fun!" Ha-chan enjoys how spritely she is!
Aw, man. This is gonna be the shittiest, most slapdash pre-Christmas eve party ever!
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
END OF CHAPTER 106
NEW SKILLS (BRAD):
Stampede ECS - Fourth strike combo finisher. Physical skill where Brad twirls a plant hanger before himself with his hands, by swinging it beneath each arm and claiming it with the other arm. May be repeated indefinitely, but after the first cycle damage is reduced to a tenth, and Brad runs out of stamina outright by the second cycle's end. Known otherwise as Bat Nunchaku. Works best with One Million Revenants.
Firefly REV-8 - Fifth strike combo finisher, where Brad strikes a foe and spins around. He activates his gravity boots mid-spin to deliver a sloppy, random kick to their upper body, and then spins to face them again, striking with a wide sweep that may be repeated as long as recoil, stamina and physics permits. May hit many times, and has the potential to clip many targets. Originally known as Ha Family Katana Technique * Essence of the Circular Slice.
NEW ITEMS (BRAD):
Flavored Milks - Lots of fun, flavored milk. Tastes good, and is good for you too!
Strawberry Potato - Someone bought this! I dunno who! What the fuck is a strawberry potato!?
Lays Multi-flavor Collection - Lots of flavored chip bags! Eating a whole bag in one sitting leaves you feeling lethargic an' munted…
Shutter-shade Glasses - Big meme. Not helpful in any way!
Warm-colored Pastel Sunhat - Makes me stick out even harder than usual! Might block some wind an' sun, or something.
Bionicle Canister (earth green) - It has a doofy head skull part thing, at least on the container. Dark green's a good esoteric color, dude…!
NEW ITEMS (MARIA):
Moriya Magic Lesson Magazine - A magazine which teaches people wind magic. Some of it's not taught very well, or in a way that makes sense, but it looks like the Aero spell series is well-documented here, as well as general wind magic.
NEW ITEMS (GENKAN):
Black Lipstick Stick - Makes your lips well-defined. Y'may put it where you can lick, but don't lick it…!
NEW ITEMS (HANA):
Sparkplug - It's a fuckin' sparkplug.
Aerosol Can - Air-freshener in a can! Might poison you if you eat it, and tastes really awful too.
AUTHOR'S NOTE:
I WANTED TO PACK MORE INTO THIS CHAPTER but i'm limiting myself at like 16 k 'cause the deadline's comin' close as it is and i'm gonna need to blaze through the other chapters some as well
i did re-read this earlier before writing this author's note, and it flows really well actually, even with the fightmania that came from the village mayhem
treating sexy times with less reverence feels a bit strange after playing it up so much during the past batch, but it's both half-necessified, and half to maintain the tone without slowing the pace down so much
despite that some people will probably still be like "what is all this sex people stuff doing here", Y'GOTTA UNDERSTAND it's basically the fey mood of this chapter / last chapter some
that and the relationship is now in progress so it's not always gonna be a huge dramatic deal; it'd depend on the scene being set probably
the fighting had some pretty funny moments actually, and the dashes of seriousness blended well enough; overall i think the tone was well-balanced
in retrospect how would you take brad and friends to a convenience store and not have him go off on how gritty society can be . w .
writing kotohime's gonna be fun, dude…!
as always, see you all next time!
