(in which we literally go fucking insane)
"Mmh-" Kotohime blinks warmly at me, as she chugs from a big mug a' Hawaiian Punch. "Hits the spot, huh?"
Hawaiian Punch is a good kool-aid substitute! "Hell yeah!" I give 'er the big nods! "Yeah, dude!"
Sanae hasn't shown up in awhile, dude. As the snow falls gently amidst the sunset in the background, us and the fluffle company are just chillin' out in the half-of-a-windmill that's sittin' outside the village. There were mugs here, dude!
"Anywa~y!" Kotohime's a real glad person, dude! "What're you whackos doing, rovin' around the village? I mean, I ask like it's not obvious, but everyone's got super different reasons, I'm sure."
"We're helpin' look after this windmill fer Sanae, basically!" I explain! "...Dunno where she is. But we basically asked her to help out wit' the whole 'village is under siege' thingie."
"Oo~h." Kotohime nods. "So you're on the right side of the law. Consider yourselves lucky!"
We're all seated around a central table, at different couches. Me, Maria an' Genkan at one, Kotohime at her own, an' Yawara 'n' Akihito at the other.
An' Ha-chan's just around. "Woah!" She's flyin' around in the snow overhead!
Yeah- see, this windmill sure as hell ain't finished yet. The sky's still open!
kri- krack. Yet, there's a warm fireplace on the inside, and we're using it to keep warm… it's along the left face of the table, where there isn't a couch.
This little windmill's such a quaint li'l place.
Crunch. Aki-man, Maria an' Genkan are eating chip snacks, dude. We also found a bowl, for some of our chips. There's a lotta necessities at this little freakin' windmill.
"Lucky, huh?" I grin at Kotohime! "Why's that?"
"'Cause that means I don't have to arrest you!" Kotohime informs me! "I've been busy, these past few days. The village's really going wild right now. And I think I got most of the people who did it pinned- but I can't just walk up to them and arrest them. I gotta have a plan, man."
"Awh? An' what's yer plan?" I wanna know!
"Like I'm gonna tell you!" She grins! "In that getup."
Wait, hol' up now. "Son, you're still wearin' the shutter-shades. I'm still wearin' the shutter-shades- we're wearin' the same outfit!"
"Exactly!" She snaps her fingers! "How do I know you aren't my mirror match…?"
I shake my head! "Trust me- I've already had like, twenty different mirror matches! It'd be thematically weird now if you were mine, again!"
"Huh." Kotohime nodded… "Maybe you're just player two. You are a totally different color scheme, and everything."
Genkan decides to test her, havin' had enough of just being quiet! "Are you from the outside as well, perhaps?"
"Nope!" Kotohime was born here, dude. "But I am a police officer!" Citation needed…! "And a princess!"
That made Genkan take pause. "A princess? ...Of? Of what?"
"Of Gensokyo!" Kotohime beamed! "Or, the human village. Or maybe the human village is my kingdom- but Gensokyo's my land. Either way- point is, this is my stompin' grounds, and the ground's been trying to stomp itself!"
"If you're not from the outside-" Maria tries her luck, "how're you able to keep up with Brad's outsider… outsiderisms?" Brad's raw autism.
Kotohime leaned back in her seat, looking warm and defeated. "Mmm. You see, I'm also the detective of Gensokyo."
"The detective." Genkan noted. "The one and only."
Kotohime gave her a snuggly smirk! "You see any other detectives in the village? In Gensokyo?"
"Point." Genkan conceded…! "Actually. Wouldn't the shrine maidens count?"
Kotohime jerked her head back. "Nuh uh. They're shrine maidens. I'm a detective."
"And a princess. And a-... police officer." Genkan had to reaffirm!
"Exactly!" Kotohime beamed! "That's hard for so many people to get. That puts you years ahead some people."
"For some reason, I don't feel enriched." Genkan monotoned…!
Anyway! Let's get up an' stretch, dude. Standing, taking a big gulp a' my Hawaiian Punch mug… "Mmh- haa~h…" Aw, yeah, that hits the spot man…
I turn to the fluffy girl company. "We gotta vibe check the village."
...Maria twists around, an' gives me a funny look! "I- I think Sanae's got it under control."
Man. Imagine if we all just get abandoned out here in this windmill. Where the hell'll we sleep. ...Actually, me an' Genkan can just fall over on some snow. Everyone else is kinda screwed though!
Wait. Oh shit.
"Genkan." Idea. "Next time we're in the village- or maybe Eientei- we need to buy you a pair of panties with a remote-control vibrator sewn into them!"
Genkan gives me an adorably neutral look. "You've had too much punch." Uh oh…!
Kotohime points at me! "That is an awesome idea, and I love you."
"Yeah, dude!" I pump an arm into the air!
"Anyway!" Kotohime snugged back into her seat. "...We don't gotta~ go save the village tonight or anything. You guys're waiting for that Sanae bimb- girl, right? I'll wait with ya!"
Genkan gave her a look. "Oh. Don't wait for us. Go, save the world."
"Nah- see, I really gotta see Sanae! It'd… help!" Kotohime remains unconvincing! "...Alright, y'got me- but hey, it's almost Christmas."
"I don't see what Christmas has to do with you being lazy." Genkan kicks her ass! ...Then, she pans to me! "Is- is that-... tell me- is Christmas about being lazy?"
I confirm her suspicions! "Christmas does indeed not give you any such rights! Uh, technically. ...But I don't care either, so y'know-"
"Woo!" Kotohime beamed! "Not like I was gonna listen anyway. But still- we gotta party!"
I clap my hands together! "Yeah dude!" ...Aw!
Claiming Akihito's broadsword off the floor, I beam at 'em! "Hey- AK-47 man!"
"Wha- hey." Standin' up, he gets mad! "That's mine-"
"Vibe check!" I announce, an' I hurl it on up into the air- nngh! Woo! What a workout…!
As it barely ascends, I snap an arm up to grab it telekinetically- hoh shit- s'a bit harder than with my hangers- and…!
After it stalls in the air, I make it ascend even higher up! Ohp- c'mon- lemme-... yeaa~h! Grabbin' it was hard, but I firmly grasped it…!
"...Wha-" Akihito's intimidated! "How hard did you throw i~t!?" Wahaha! Wa- oof!
He pushes me over- an I lose my focus! "Son- what the fuck-"
An' then he has my collar! My kimono-collar, that is…! "That was my sword!" He's really angry about this! "Stop-... stop!" Yeah- I ain't tryin'a steal it, I'm just fuckin'-
BAM! The sword falls down next to us and bounces off the wood floor!
Akihito jumps so hard he lets go a' me!
fwump. I flop back onto the semi-snowy wood floor.
...He looks back at the sword, then back down at me.
"Ya manhandled me, son." I just lay there, 'cause my cold resistance makes the snow feel good…
That freakin' chick Yawara comes on over unprovoked, an' kneels down next to my face- alright can we not with the very obviously intentional pantyshots. "Are you okay?"
"No." I'm dead. "I'm dead."
"Oo- oh." Man- this Yawara chick's weird! "Want me to help you up?"
"No. 'Cause I'm dead."
That's when Genkan looms over her, as if appearin' from outta nowhere! ...When Yawara starts shiverin' even harder, she twitchily turns around, noticin' Genkan creepin' over her shoulder…!
Yawara gives her a big smile! "...Hey. What was your name again?"
"You're vague enough to be suspicious." Genkan communicates her distrust!
"...What does that even mean?" Yawara's not sure either!
"I don't like you." Aw, yes dude. S'time for Genkan to bully a girl! "You-... you know what I mean."
"Wow. Rude." Yawara looks down at me! "Get a load of this bitch."
"I can't." I repeat. "I'm dead. Do I gotta spell it out fer ya!?"
"Seriously! She just straight up said she didn't like me!" Yawara- you literally just called her a bitch in the next sentence.
"Alright- who are you!?" I start to get up! "Yer personality changes every other freakin' minute, it feels like!"
"Oa-" She freezes up- almost literally- but then is like… "Re- really… I thought I had a 'jaunty energized popular girl' persona going on. I- I know I'm better at this than you-... than you know!"
"No- ya just look insane!" Son…! "Personality changes gotta be subtle son. If yer goin' with weird hypno-fetish dominatrix, ya gotta stick with it!"
"But you're not-... I'm not supposed to reveal that!" She insists back! "Besides the first meeting! Not unless-" ...She smirks, dude. "Wanna be my boyfriend!?" What's this big brain time bullshit…!?
"Alright." Genkan has had enough…! "Yawara. Come outside with me." Ooo!
Yawara faces her, and beams! "Oh!? What's wrong!? Afraid I'll-"
fwash. Genkan puts a hand on her shoulder, and freezes her instantly.
Then, Genkan becomes peaceful. The threat has passed, dude. Her yeast has risen.
"It's big brain time, dude." I stand up, and walk up to this calendar I spotted across the room. "Unh." Then, I press on it, 'cause it looks satisfying to press on!
Shoof. Wh-
Shoof- shunk- woosh. A secret staircase immediately opens lower into the windmill, the wood panel with the calendar on it having been pushed into the wall.
"Are you fucking kidding me." What was that. "I think I'm cursed at this point!"
"Ma- maybe you really are." Genkan was in spooked awe too…! "Brad- how do you do this."
"I swear I didn't even wanna find one this time!" I hold my arms up! "Where's that even lead…!?"
That's it, I gotta check it out. Runnin' on over, I descend down the curving stairs of the opened stairway… and- uh…
Beds. We found a freakin' commune, dude. More specifically, it's a li'l brick-an'-wood room with like, six western beds lyin' around. There's a second fireplace beneath the first, with some ash dripping down it from the one above. So that's what the grate in the upper one was for…
"Wow, what an amazing secret." A big bedroom. I think Sanae pro'lly meant to show us this at some point, but she ain't even around. So, that wasn't much of a secret after all. No wonder, yo. Main quest-sensitive 'secrets' are always easy to come by…
...I try ta move back up the stairs, but Genkan is drifting down behind me, impeding my progress. When I try to squeeze by her, she just snuggles me instead. "Wh- son- aa-" Aah-... damn. Boobs…
"Why'd you turn around." Genkan wants to know! "You're in the way…"
"There ain't anything spectacular down there!" I voice! "I just found a freakin' bedroom under the windmill. Wit' like, six beds. I think Sanae meant us ta find 'em later."
"...Oh." Genkan realizes how mundane it was!
She hugs me close just 'cause of proximity anyway, and I die.
...Behind her, Kotohime and Maria are on the stairs fer some reason too! "Get outta the way, fatass!" Kotohime gets impatient!
Slap! Genkan got spanked! "Oh!" That squeak was adorable holy shit- "Do- you need to be frozen- too-" She starts to turn around- still embracing me- "Oo- aa-"
thu- thud! We fall towards Kotohime-
"Aa-" Kotohime guards herself! "Damn it- what've you- aa-"
thud! When she tilts back, she gets Maria's ankles- and Maria falls forward! "Aaa-"
Ohp! Me an' Genkan got 'er! We all slide down a step 'er two- but we saved her from the cranial surgery! An' lemme tell ya- stairs're a bad surgical instrument!
"Nnh…" Kotohime's legs are so spread I can just see her lavender-colored panties under her kimono, as she sits on the stairs behind us. "You-... I don't even have words. This staircase is proving a formidable foe- when it really shouldn't…"
...Then, she noticed my stare, and brought her arms behind her head to accent her boobs! "Oo-... oh!?" Man, what is tonight…!? Why's she sound surprised!?
woosh. Genkan stands, and lifts Maria off the floor, carrying her down the stairs.
"Hey-" Kotohime's up at the same time I am- and looks really excited! "Was I sexy!?"
I point at her! "I thought you of anyone knew I was freakin' taken already!"
"What?" She blinks. "Dream on. I just don't think enough people notice my sexy appeal." She brushes her hands down her thighs for emphasis. "I feel like people are blind half the time! You're the first person in awhile who's noticed!"
That's kinda surprising, 'cause she's sorta hot! Well, so is nine-tenths of Gensokyo's notables, so y'know, not a big surprise.
That's when Genkan coasts up the stairs again. "Beep beep." Uh oh.
She scoops me- and Kotohime- up off the stairs, whisking us away. "Wa- woah!" Kotohime's surprised! "You people are really handsy…!" I think that's just Genkan not caring about human customs a' personal space…!
Most notably because me and her no longer have that awkward personal space field between each other. We come and molest each other as we please, dude.
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
We leave Akihito and Yawara in the warm-but-not-really windmill, and bask in the cold of the snow land outside.
"It's beautiful." Genkan holds her arms out, taking in the snowfall and sunset. Deep blue creeps on the horizon to our flank, and on the other end, the warmth of a sunny blue sky and parted clouds was beginnin' to fade.
The land just looks cold. Like everything is perma-dead for the winter.
"It does." Maria agrees, standing with us, beholding the rim of the sky.
Kotohime shivers as an icicle next to her! "Yh- you guys- aa- are sa- saps…" No ice resistance, son. What a noob.
...We stare at her judgingly! "Wh- wha- achoo!" Uh oh. Kotohime's dying. "Nnh…"
"I think it's too cold out here, for you." Genkan judges her! "Go inside."
"Nho~..." Kotohime refuses! "Fhuck thah. Nnh-" She inhales snot up her nose. "Ugh. I- I've lived- through colder…"
"Why don'cha have ice resistance son." I must ask her. "Where's yer mittens, son…!?"
"Who- who needs that!?" Kotohime yells back! "Real classic heroes just need their iconic outfit- and their wits! Like-..." She couldn't name a hero off the top of her head! "Like me!" Oh shit!
Power armor is for pussies, son. Said by Dukie Nukie, in his worst game ever. Damn it, Duke Nukem, why was your one modern game a raw pile of shit…!?
Wait, where's Ha-chan.
I turn around, and she's some meters behind us, curled up and shivering on the floor. It's actually kinda sad looking, 'cause she looks half-dead…
Steppin' up to the Ha-chan-cicle, I go big brain and try to outright pick her up.
"Nnh-" Man- Genkan makes this kinda shit look easy. "Holy- shit-" Picking her up is hard! I- ain't strong enough…! "Hrrgh…!"
Ha-chan has a small expression, as I slo~wly pick her up…! "Um… Brad-kun…?"
Hi, son. Alright…!
I walk over to Kotohime, who's shiverin' as bad as Ha-chan here! God- this feels like a titanic effort…
Ngh. Heave, ho. Heave, ho! And-
Depositing Ha-chan into Kotohime's arms, I step back.
thud. She falls over into the snow, Ha-chan squishing her. "Wh- fhu- uuhk…" Uh. They'll be fine!
boom. As the sky darkens, in the distance, a cyan, explosion-like plume erupts out of super distant forestry. Dunno why that happened, but okay!
"Um." Maria notices, and looks slightly ginger all of a sudden! "...What was that."
"Whelp." I nod. "My brain stopped."
...Her an' Genkan pan to me, givin' me looks!
woosh. A piercing wind passes us, unleashed by that moon-flavored boom in the distance, and we all look slightly more weathered, our eyes narrowing.
Snow blows off the floor, makin' a mist. Kotohime and Ha-chan get frosted over by it, and buried!
"Um… oh no." Maria looks intimidated! "Genkan- we should probably save them."
"...Probably." Genkan decides, after having a slow and fluffy moment.
Reaching down, Genkan shows me how its done. She just picks up Kotohime and Ha-chan outright, and begins carrying them back to the windmill. Well, the base of a windmill. I mean, it's got the windmill part on it, but it's missing like, almost everything else of the upper part. Doesn't even spin yet.
Now it's must me an' Maria. An' Maria's fluffy.
"Hey, Maria." I regard her gingerly.
"No." Awh.
"Do you forget what the fluffle remembers."
...She doesn't reply, but she looks really snug. Slowly, her eyes close. "Yes." Uh oh.
...crunch- crunch- Crunch, Crunch! Oh! It's Sanae!
"Hi, Sanae!" I wave-
Woosh! She runs by us! "Bye, Sanae!"
SKRISH! Skiddin' to a stop in the snow, she doubles back to us! "Hey! Um! Hi!"
"Hi!" I yell back!
"The village is coming!" She yells more! "...Aa- as in, the chief justice! And some guards! Negotiations went wrong!"
"Huh?" Maria is slightly alarmed! "What do you mean…?"
"That Chief Justice dude is coming here!" Sanae announced! "And Miko! And- a buncha people- they're tryin'a evict us!"
"But-" Maria blinks a bunch! "Aren't you trying to help modernize? What happened…?"
"There's too much talk of us being youkai affiliated…" Sanae shook her head, dude. "They really wanna kick out all the youkai. If we don't get out of here- we're gonna have to have a fight. Miko wanted it to be danmaku- but the Chief Justice was like 'no, arg blarg arghfh', and he got on his um… you aren't gonna believe me- but his little go-kart thing-"
"Oh. Oh, no. That guy." Maria knew full and well who that was!
"Yeah- he tried to shoot real bullets at me!" Sanae was beside 'erself, dude…! "Real bullets! And we can't just beat 'em up- 'cause he is the law!"
"Are-... are we just-... screwed, then?" Maria held her staff tight…!
"Well, I mean, basically…" Sanae shook her head. "I thought Reimu and some people even kicked that guy out too- but he musta gotten hired again or something… I don't know."
...I wonder.
Genkan drifts back out to join us. When she gets close, I try and copy her posture and expression, standing next to her…
Wait- no, I know how this is supposed to go. "Hello Genkan from Freakin' Gensokyo. I am Brad from Freakin' Gensokyo."
Sanae just gives me a flat look…! "Have you even been listening. Wh- why make that joke now."
I stand next to Genkan and try and copy her peaceful look, even as she gives me an increasingly mystified one…!
Sanae focuses on Genkan! "Aa- anyway-... Genkan- we're about to be attacked!"
"Um." Genkan blinks. "What?"
"The village is coming to shoot us!" Sanae delivers plainly! "...I mean- they're gonna be especially not happy with you being here, actually. They wanna shut down the renovation 'cause of-... like- they think I'm too close to youkai, basically!"
"So, nothing new, then." Genkan returns to looking sleepy with me…
"But- they're really coming!" Sanae insists! "We gotta leave. This sucks… after all this work, too. There's just- nothing we can do if the village itself just spits on us..."
I lick my lips. Fasten my ass, an' crack my neck, an' my knuckles, an' I got a plan.
I grin at Genkan. Genkan's brows curl up in slight worry…!
"I got a plan."
"No you don't." Wat. Maria, no.
"I said I gots a plan!" I reaffirm myself!
Sanae braces her teeth, reliving the tales of the grimacing emoji. "...Is- is it a good plan?" What is that expression- are you good, Sanae…!?
Rubbin' my hands together, I begin, dude. "...We make a really big snowball."
cr- crack- fwish. Everyone starts chuckin' snowballs at me!
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
The 4D chess has begun.
So, we are going with my snowball idea. But Kotohime and Sanae had some of their own awesome ideas, an' one thing lead to another…
Kotohime's wearing Yawara's outfit, posing as a Ha maiden. I found a village guard outfit lyin' around somewhere.
We're part of Toyota-no-miko's party now! We just kinda slid into the party unannounced, and no one noticed! An' our intentions are so skewed Miko ain't gonna expect us to be super evil! She can read our desires- but not our minds!
"Mine prince," Futo bowed before Miko, just outside the village's gates, "allow my pleasure to be keeping us warm this fateful evening."
Woo- woosh! She drew two torches from inside her sleeves, and they lit instantly once exposed! "A torch for everyone!"
We're outside the Human Village, just along the west gate, yo. We got a party a' the taoists, but we also got some generic guards, and someone we're really gonna remember quite soon… y'see- the guardsmen and other shrine maidens are off talkin' amongst themselves, and the taoists are talkin' with themselves too.
"Prat." Tojiko just insults her for no reason. She's that spooky ghost girl with mint an' green colors.
"And a torch up thy arse, Tojiko."
"I'll torch your pale ass, Mononobe."
"Yes, yes, you can kiss cunts later." Miko speaks quieter to the each of them! "Please be decent… even if some of the villagers aren't."
"Prince- I may adore thee, but t'would genuinely simply insult us then ask decency of us? Unbecoming, mayhaps." Man, these three're goin' at each other!
Tojiko hacks somethin' up in her throat in an effort ta express disgust…! "You say that, Mononobe, yet here you are. Hypocritical and flawed as usual."
"I attempt to be in the prince's image!" Futo held a torch almost in her face! "Thereby- I pray mine prince doth not soil his image!"
"Both of you." Miko snapped. "Be quiet."
At that, Futo an' Tojiko zipped it! ...Miko might be the gal a' ten ears, but I think even she's kinda distracted right now!
...She turns to us. "Chad. Koto. This isn't funny. Wipe that smile off your faces."
I'm Chad. Kotohime is-... I dunno, guess. Koto looks a lot like Yawara did, big fluffy ponytail an' all, but Kotohime uses her yellow band for her hair, and y'know, her hair's like scarlet fer some reason.
Me? I just got a helmet on! Hides all that fluffy hair! Miko gives us both the most incredible strange looks, but doesn't suspect anythin' yet!
"So- sorry, ma'm." I talk like I stepped on AIDs. "I- tha- that burger I had earlier- nnh-" I make dry-heaving motions…!
Kotohime takes a moment to collect herself! "Nn- I- I… I'm just- remembering the time a family member passed…" Did- why, Kotohime- that's even a worse idea than mine!
Futo looked bewildered! "...Aa- and yet, you smile? Privy… t'would happen to mind sharing?"
"Oh." Kotohime waved it off. "It was during a Shinto rite. He contracted the big gay."
"Pft- khk-" Don't laugh, me. Don't you glare at me either Miko- it's the gas! "Uhp- that burger-" Hup! Hup! Hup! ...An' beat on the chest for good measure- yeah you stay down, burger.
...Futo had a vague look. "The… big gay, you say." Holy shit. "Is-... that a dangerous sort?"
Tojiko had an even vaguer look!
"Quite." Kotohime had a big smile- perhaps too big! An' she also steals Futo's old accent for no reason! "It-... it turns thy insides into outsides- and softens the skull. Soothes the bone into a pitiful paste state, see?"
"Horrifying…" Futo held the hilt of a torch to her own face in an attempt to obscure her mouth with her sleeve. "Prince, did thee-"
"We're going now." Miko really doesn't wanna be here!
...Dude, Seiga's here. She looks kinda bored, staring at her own chest for some reason. What, she havin' a moment?
"I swear…" Tojiko shook her head. "Mononobe, you were born from dementia." Uh oh.
"And thy art malice, yet thee don't see me complaining!"
"And here you are complaining. Fucking dumbass."
"Sadist!"
Seiga speaks up! "You two are so unbecoming. Get control of your wife, Shotoku."
Miko gives a grin back at Seiga! "...Sometimes, I don't know about you three."
Aw! I get close ta Seiga, and grin at 'er! ...Soon, Seiga notices me!
"Yo!" I grin at 'er! "I'm a big fan of your work!"
"O- oh?" She seems surprised! "...You're a villager, are you not?"
"Yeah, dude!" I nod! "Dude- I bought your hit single!"
"...My- what." She's even more displaced! "My- hit single? ...You can't mean music, can you? I don't make music. I make corpses."
"Nah yo- see here-..." I hold up an arm…
I start doin' Fortnite dances! "Brains! Brains! I won't lie! I'll eat their brains 'till they're zombified! Sure they might think it's deranged- but they wouldn't give a thought, after I've eaten their brains! Brains, brains- it's okay! It doesn't matter if it isn't gray! And if at first they think it's strange- they won't think twice if they don't have a brain!"
…
"I'm sorry, Miko." Seiga- where'd that Chinese broadsword come from!? "I have to kill this man."
Miko laughs! "Wh- hahahah! Oh? Are you sure you don't wish to seduce him?"
Futo mutters under her breath! "One extreme or the other, with Kaku…"
"I'll kill you both too." Seiga snips at them, except patiently! "This is no fan. He's making fun of me."
"No- wait!" I hold my arms up! "It's a song I made in tribute to ya!"
...Seiga blinks, absolutely staggered!
Miko cringes unbelievably hard! "I feel as though we've angered a god or two."
Futo snorts. "Good. Let them be mad." Wow! No fear!
"I-..." Seiga swallows! "Did you really? How did you hear of me?"
"I've heard the stories, man." I shake my head, an' beam at her. "I've been dying for a chance to meet you!" Yeehaw! "Pun- partially intended…! But- seriously, I'm your biggest fan!"
...Seiga looks around at how bewildered everyone else is! Except Kotohime- but she's a mook like me to everyone else, so she doesn't notice!
Then-
Seiga comes up to my side, and grabs onto my arm, placing it in her cleavage. "If that's the case… perhaps I should repay your loyalty?" Wait, wat. "Miko~. We're going back to the village." Wait, hold on, the fuck!?
Miko rolled her eyes. "I- I was joking. Also- no. Wait until after this is over. You were brought along for a reason."
"Oh, fi~ne." Seiga leaned into me, letting her head rest against mine. "...Awh. I've scared him. Don't be scared, mister." You're a weirdo, Seiga…! Even weirder than me!
Then she whispers into my right ear. "What would you like to do- when we're done here?" Aaa~h! "Nn, fufufu…"
"Alright." Ignoring our sitchiation, taking a torch from Futo, Miko pans her gaze over the rest of the taoists. "Are we all ready?"
Tojiko's got a torch now too! "I guess."
"I'm not gay." Kotohime clarifies amidst the silence.
Miko slouches slightly! "Wh- yes, good." Pfft- hahah! "Seems we're all ready. ...Let's check on the-"
"THE HUMAN, YOUKAI-STOMPING BRIGADE IS READY TO GOOOOO!"
Kano Ken's voice is louder than loud, as he carts down the dirt path beside us, his lips an unhealthy blue as ever, and his head as bald as it always was. He's the village's Chief Justice who has a tiny machinegun-toting go-kart that can't move very fast.
"I hate this." Miko is suffering, dude.
"Such is the nature of politics." Futo smiled obliviously…!
"Even more than usual." Miko retorts! "Come, my friends. Tonight the youkai project shall simmer in a blazing hell."
"Yay!" Futo raises her torch to the air! "Burn them all! Burn them all!" Jesus…
"Let's get this over with." Tojiko shifts in place… "I want to get back to reading that book."
"Mmm…" Seiga had literally nothing to add!
"I-" But I do. "I like fluffles."
...Wat a ginger moment, dude. Everyone gives me plain stares, before resuming the previously scheduled programming!
"LET'S GOOO, TAOIST MAGGOTS! I DON'T HAVE ALL DAAAAY!" Ken is- y'know, ow.
I turn ta Seiga. "Y'got some ear plugs…?"
She giggles! "Fufufu. Perhaps for you, I do." Seiga being nice is unironically scarier than her being mean. "Here."
Damn, she actually had ear plugs on her. "Thanks!" I'mma put one on…! Oh, man, these things're more uncomfortable than I expected…
Wait. I put both on!
As we start to progress down a path away from the village, Futo speaks. I can't hear what she says, I just hear squiggly lines and Futo noises.
Miko's slightly deeper voice announces something, and then-
"That ugly windmill must be pu~rged from the village's sight!" Wow. It's like he's yelling at a semi-normal yell volume, while everyone else has become fluffles.
Actually. Y'know what, yo. Let's wait a little while before takin' them back off…!
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
After we unnecessarily took a random-ass path around some woods for no reason, we make our way to the windmill proper, in the snow and starlight.
We arrive at the clearing before the windmill itself! The riverbed's a good like hundred meters ahead of us, and we're standin' in the trees just before it strategizin'.
"TOYO-" Ken has trouble pronouncing Miko's name. "SAT-... YOTO- TOYO-..."
"Miko." Miko's fwoofy hair ears seem to droop slightly as she regards him!
"TAOIST LEADER!" Good…! "YOU WILL LEAD THE CHARGE! Me and my men- WILL FOLLOW BEHIND YOU!" How's he still have lungs. It's like I can hear the gears churnin' in 'em- an' they're 'bouta give!
"...Okay." Miko echoes the sentiment ten decibels lower than he breathes! "Well…"
Y'know- I got a question! "Hey- Koto."
"I'm not gay!" She affirms firmly to me! "I won't lose to cock!" Son…!
"Privy." Futo gives Kotohime a done expression…! "Shut up, peasant." Wow- hahahah! The disrespect, dude!
Kotohime grins back! "Bu- but I won't lose!"
"Thou hast already lost, the moment thee misplaced thy brain at home." Futo looks smug about her line, too! "Pftah. You are the reason we look after the village."
...I gotta speak up! "I was wonderin'- why've we gotta burn down this here windmill…!? Can't we just like, evict 'em?"
"Oh? But we are." Futo leers at me! "With flame and death. A fitting end for the youkai saboteurs." What does that even mean. Mommy, Futo's being mean to me…
"But-" I speak up! "Ain't murder kind of a bad thing!?"
"Pft-" Seiga finds that funny! "Ooh, dear. I have a thing or two to teach you." Son, no. Seiga's legit creepy, man…!
Miko met my gaze, and gave me a pityin' sorta smile! "...You have a good heart, Chad." Nghk- "Yet… even if this spectacular murder brings up hardship from the Hakurei, or other powers, let it be known that we will soon be responsible for the human village. I'm willing to bet that not even the Hakurei maiden would be so destructive as to impede on us when we hold it in our grasp."
"The Hakurei would have evicted these youkai, or worse, left them be." Futo shook her head. "Moriya, too. Hells- Moriya sponsors this disaster. If she stands in my way- I will not hesitate to fight, torch, sword and all!" You don't have a sword, Futo. You have plates.
"If one of the youkai were about to kill me, Chad, who would you let die?" Miko tries to edumacate me. "Me, or them?"
...I hold up a finger! "Now that'sa loaded question!"
"Pft- fufufu!" Seiga likes that! "What about me~? ...Just kidding. You'd better hope I'd save you, though." Alright- that line wasn't as creepy, 'cause it's obvious she tried to be creepy for it. Less is more!
...Coming up to Miko from behind, Kotohime grabs onto her ear muffs and yanks 'em off! "These're cool. Can I-"
"Give-" Miko is livid! "Give those- fu- give them back!" Wahaha!
"Woah!?" Kotohime leaps back, as if surprised! "What's the big- hey!" When Miko grapples her, she tosses 'em to me! "Yo!"
I catch 'em! "Ho~h!" I put 'em on Seiga's head! "...I can't believe what Seiga did!"
Seiga's really happy, too! An' then Miko ruffles on up ta her! "Kaku~..."
That's when Ken yells. "WILL YOU MAGGOTS STOP FLOUNDERING AROOOUUUND!?"
...Miko falls to her knees, then onto her side.
"Fu- he- hahahah!" Seiga laughs right before 'er, 'cause she fuckin' died! "Ho~h…!?"
"Prince- no!" Futo drops her torch on the grass an' snow, and kneels down before her! "Are thee well!?"
"You fucking morons!" Tojiko goes off! "You absolute fucking cretins! You fucking amateurs!"
"He- whaha- hooho!" Kotohime guffaws- bouncin' back as Tojiko just tries to punch 'er out! "We have liftoff!"
"Who- hehahaha!" I laugh my ass off! "We did it, boys! Toyota Civic is no more!"
"SHUT UUUP!" Ken is a legend, dude. "ALL OF YOOOU!"
"Nay! Nay!" Standin' up, Futo runs at 'em! "You are hurting the prince! Shut up! Shut-"
Quiet guardsmen around Ken's sides move to guard 'em, from Futo's snuggly advance! "You-..."
Tojiko came up beside her! "I swear- one more word from your mouth…" She says that to Ken, but it could probably apply ta Futo too-
"WHAAAAT!?" Ken fuckin' goes nuclear! "I CAAANT HEAR YOOOOU! ONE MOOORE WOOORD!?"
Tojiko holds her arms up-
KRAKA- FWASH- ZAZAZAP- ZAP! She just electrifies all of 'em! Her spooky, mint-colored thunder powers flare to life!
"RRgh- ha- aa-" Ken passes away on his booster seat, jolts jumpin' around his body-
"Raaa- aagh…!"
"Da- ghn- bebababahua-"
"Hhua- aa- nn- nnh- baa-"
thu- thud, thud. Yep. Tojiko smited the entire guard company with lightning, all ten men around Ken passing out or collapsing from sheer thunder damage.
"Fucking morons." Tojiko spits out more anger. "Such is the price for injuring my love." Wait- what. Tojiko and Miko are- wait, yeah! I remember that vaguely! They are an item. Huh…! "Now dance."
ZAZAP- ZAP- KAZAP- ZAP! Wow- she's just- making them convulse! That's fuckin' mean!
ZAZAP- ZAZZZAPZAPZAP! Soundlessly, the stupefied dudes all jitter on the floor like they're sizzlin' bacon on a frying pan, all limp, some crying quietly, and all unable to demand that she stop.
Kotohime gets up next to me. "I- didn't actually think we'd accidentally the entire regiment before we even got there…"
We actually have a trap laid out at the windmill and everything. We were not supposed to actually kill the entire taoist-human battalion by being laughin' jokin' numbnuts…!
"Me either…!" My eyes are wide…!
Well. Miko is in a pain coma, Ken and his men are in pain comas, Tojiko's enraged, Futo's mouth is gaping in realization that everything's gone wrong, and Seiga…
Seiga kisses me on the cheek. "Looks like it's time to split, hm?" What the fuck's it with you and me.
Y'know what, I gotta ask. "Do ya think I'm hot?"
...Seiga shrugs. "Hard to tell with that helmet on. You do have a pretty face. I'm quite adept at admiring the male figure, however… and you're quite young, too." She feels along my body- alright, bad touch…! "I must say, I love a man in armor." I think you're lying, actually…!
"Uu- ugh…" Wait- Miko's back! Show's still on, people! "Fuck…" Oopsie. Toyota said a swear word, dude.
Seiga capitalizes. "You shouldn't swear, my prince."
Miko rubs her ears, wincing. "Fuck you." Wahah!
She yanks her headphones right offa' Seiga's head- and slams 'em back on her own head!
...Then, turning, she beholds what Tojiko has done to the random guardsmen and Ken.
thunk. She drops her weird ruler-like sword, and just- if she could've ragdolled, she woulda!
Kotohime covers her mouth, tryin' to resist goin' apeshit with me…! I'm shiverin' with excitement!
"You-..." Miko held onto her head. "Tojiko- what have you done."
Tojiko holds herself! "I- I… I got revenge- for the pain they inflicted on you-"
"You've ruined it!" We're playin' on Miko Must Die mode, dude. It's nightmare difficulty- 'cause she's havin' a real nightmare right now! "There's no way we're going to make this happen now!"
Tojiko seems to freeze in fear! "But-"
"Leave. Now." Miko tries to point her sword at her- but forgot she dropped it. "I just-... I'm beside myself. Please- just… go home. We'll take it from here."
"Dumbass." Futo, of course, has ta rub salt in the wound. "I always knew thou to be a stain on our lives." Damn! Dude- Futo's so mean! They're all so mean, dude!
"Eat shit and die." Tojiko grimaces hard. "I'll fucking murder you- you ash-colored twerp."
"You too, Futo." Miko demands! "Both of you. I just-... I can't. We've failed, and it's all because of you two."
Futo fluffs up! "What'd I do!?"
Miko inhales. "GO!"
...After everyone flinched, even Seiga- I felt it through her boobs- Futo and Tojiko start going.
"I-..." Futo's crying. "I- I'm sorry, prince…"
"Shotoku…" Tojiko starts crying too. "I- I'm sorry, I-"
"Not another word." Miko claims her sword from the floor, and points. "I will take care of this myself, to save everyone the effort, and mayhaps restore our honor. I will be lucky if we do not get kicked out of council."
If Seiga wasn't holding onto me, I'd be doin' the Munancho hip thrust dance behind Miko. Oh- shit, Miko turns to face us!
She glares at Kotohime! "I will see you exiled from your faith." Ooh! Big threats!
"Wha- oh no!" Kotohime acts shocked! "Please- don't do that! I'll- um-" Coming up to her, Kotohime tries to bat her eyelashes. "I'll do anything…"
...Miko doesn't notice her attempt at sexiness! "Your stupidity has cost us honor and worth. If we're going to the ground- we're bringing you with us, child. Life has consequences. It's time for you to learn that."
"Damn it." Kotohime curses! "Am I just not sexy enough?"
"...What?" Miko blinks! "Whatever."
Kotohime bounds up to us! Ooh-
She claims my left arm, and puts her cleavage around that one! "Just checking! Which of us is hotter?"
"This is friendly fire." I retort plainly. "...Uu~h." Y'know, hard choice. Seiga's got that mature woman charm, bu~t… I think the better chick'd probably be Kotohime overall, as if that weren't obvious. "You!"
Kotohime bounces away from me, and cheers! "Woo- wait." She takes pause. "...I don't think you're even a good tester zero. I just realized it- because we basically have the same personality!"
"Y'just now realized!?" I return!
Seiga lets go of me, too! "I can't believe you. You sure know how to drop the ball." Oh thank fuck I turned her off.
I slouch in relief. "Ya don't say…"
Kotohime winks at me, and mouths 'you're welcome'. Aw, motherfucker. Man- I gotta compete with her high score. She's been killin' it- literally! If this were an FPS game- she'd've just shot at me and hit the bad guy behind me! Damn!
As we advance, Miko takes pause. "Seiga. See to the villagers. If there are any deaths- you will-... I don't even know what I'm going to do you. And frankly, I don't think you would like to find out either."
Seiga sighs. "Fi~ne. I have nothing better to do, after all. And don't think me so demented. I play with corpses, not the living, silly."
With that, Seiga floats off. She gives me a teasin' smirk as she leaves- and I give 'er a happy wave, 'cause fuck off wit' that shit! ...I can't believe Kotohime essentially just dead-dropped Seiga outta the equation by making me feel her boobs with her elbows. This is some fucking miraculous bullshit.
So now… this is the party.
From ten men, Ken, Futo, Tojiko, Seiga, us and Miko, it is now only… us and Miko.
We make our way down the riverbed, and climb down into it, then back up out of it.
"So…" Miko sizes it up, her sword held tight. "This… this is it. Just me… and them."
Kotohime nods. "Yep. Us and them."
Miko takes pause. "...Me and them. You two will obviously be injured otherwise."
crack. Kotohime tossed a snowball at Miko's head from behind.
"Alright- fuck off?" Miko's had it man! "Can you not? Please?"
Then, the trap is sprung. It was meant to wipe an entire party- but just freakin' Miko works too!
Kotohime leers, and points up. "And get ready-"
I look up, and beam! "Fer the real one, too!"
Fwi- Click- Click! Summonin' an' flickin' my gravity boots on, I bounce into the air and take to the right- while Kotohime flies up and to the left.
Miko looks up, and just stops.
A gigalithic, gihugic snowball sails overtop the windmill.
Genkan and Sanae float overhead of it- as Maria sits atop the top blade of the still windmill, a light from her lantern staff telegraphing the giant, rolling snow meteor of doom.
Outside of the blast radius, me and Kotohime stop before the windmill's porch.
It's a slow roar, a rush of snow, the almighty snowball avalanching to smash Miko into freakin'- a box a' Miko-flavored cheez-its…!
BOOM- KAFWOOOM. Miko's face flashes with intimidation as Kanako's wind glides the almighty orb straight down into her.
FWOOOO~M! The snow spreads out, rushing past me an' Kotohime's legs.
Fwi- Click! Miko Must Die mode has activated, son. I summon the Bawmber and the Red Scare. Changing my armor out, I got Miko's outfit on, and her blue cape to up my magic!
"He- hehe!" Kotohime draws a pair of handcuffs- and a fuckin' neon green squirt gun!
Fwash! Whah!? She glows, flower-shaped particles splayin' out from her- and her Ha-styled shrine maiden outfit becomes her classic purple kimono, and her scarlet hair splays out. She's got an equipment switch ability too…!?
FWISH! Miko springs from the snow, and yells! "Hraa~h!"
I'm right there before her, NERF guns aimed! "Miko Must Die mode's been activated son!"
"Behold!" Kotohime flies over my head, springing from three forward flips! "I am the master of minions!"
Clank- clank- clank- clank! Ooh- Kotohime unleashes roombas stolen from Eientei all over the snow field-
PAPAPAPA- BOOMBOOMBOOMBOOMBOOMBOOM! "Hyeeee~!" I screech autistically, unloadin' unending NERF darts- which all explode and inflict seven layers of ass fuck on Miko!
"Oohu- angh- nn-" Miko stumbles through the blasts, with a doomed look on her face-
BEEP- BEEP. When she nears a roomba, it changes from the teal color of Eientei tech to red-
KABOOM! Holy shit they're landmines.
"Huwaa~h!" Miko goes flying, tossed by the big boom-
PAPAPAP- BOOMBOOMBOOMBOOMBOOM! Bobbin' around in the air, I keep unloadin' on her! "Yeeheeheehaa~w!"
Woosh! Miko does a backflip amidst my explosions, her head wobbling around, her eyes all screwy-
Cla- clack- cink. Now behind her, Kotohime slaps a pair of cuffs onto Miko's arms, strapping them behind 'er own back.
"Wh-" Miko's dead. "What-"
BEEP- BEEP. Uh oh. Where Kotohime used to be- there's a roomba-
KABOOM! It explodes, sending Miko flying at me-
PAPAP- BOOMBOOMBOOMBOOM! She soars right through all the explosions I inflict on her- and when she's in melee range-
Fwi- Click! I change out the Red Scare for One Million Revenants. It has Market Gardener built into it, so-
BOOM! As she nears, I bob towards the floor, and shoot it-
As I ascend to the stratosphere, I flick O.M.R. outward-
THOOMNK. It meets Miko's gut.
spla- spla- splack. A line of saliva shoots out across the snow. Hitting her stopped all of my stratospheric movement.
cli- click. Flicking my boots off-
thu- thud- crunch. We both land hard in the snow. "Nngh…" Oof.
...Aw. Miko's just lying there, looking dead inside.
Kotohime floats down gently. "You have the right to remain silent."
"Easy mode is now selectable." I leer at 'er…! "We're 'bouta take you ta see Cats and every episode of Steven Universe and the Yogscast playthrough of Minecraft, all at the same time."
...Miko just shudders when we both help lift 'er up, and then chuckles a little! "I-... I can't-... I can't believe-..."
Kotohime pipes up! "I can't believe it's not butter!"
"I'm gonna shit myself." I supply. "Hey- one of us's gotta change Miko's diapers!"
Kotohime giggles! "Nn- fufu! Y'mean Futo's diapers! An' also big yelly guy's!"
BEEP- BEEP. Uh oh we weren't payin' attention man oh shit-
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
With Miko all battered and bruised, we propped her up between Genkan an' Maria as they stood next to Sanae.
Kotohime sings! "She's the girl, as you saw."
Chin held high, I've got my arms folded behind my back an' sing too, dude. "Sanae, Kochiya."
Then, we both pose. "Kochiya~! Con, struct, tio~n!" Yeaa~h! Aw- Ha-chan even joins in!
...Genkan nods. "What the hell did you two actually do."
Maria looks adorably confused! "Where's the rest of the~m…?"
Sanae snorted! "I- I didn't even do anything…!"
Pivoting around, me an' Kotohime salute, an' I announce: "We did it, boys. The Toyota of Tao is no more."
"You can come out now, Genkan." Kotohime promises her! "You are now safe to roam this fine Earth."
...Genkan compacts a little, for some reason! "Wh- what kind of…"
I come up to her. "You're freakin' snuggly- oh my god. Dude- now Genkan can roam the Earth in peace, dude." I hug her from the side!
"I'm confused." She informs us!
Kotohime comes up, and hugs Genkan from the other side! "Mmn. Nice and cold."
"What are you doing to me…" She compacts even more!
...Oh, right. Akihito's here too, half-naked because we knocked him out and I took his armor. Yeah! It's a tight fit, but it works! "I- I'm cold- fuck- nnh-" Uh oh.
Yawara's also here and half-naked, holding her chest where Kotohime stole her bindings- and a half over her cooch, where Kotohime took her fundoshi! "Gimme my shit ba~ck!"
"I-..." Miko wheezes out pain, an' Maria turns to her…! "I'm dying…"
"Um." Maria grins! "Do- don't die…"
And so, the day has come to an end.
...Man, I'm gettin' too used to wearin' helmets. I never took this soldier helmet off.
"Aa~h?" Wait, uh oh. "A betrayal, is it?"
Seiga appears from the floor behind Genkan, and smiles at me- oh shit oh fuck. "I knew I liked you for a reason, Chad."
...Slowly, I take an arm off Genkan, an' I'm just like… "It was not Chad, for it was Brad…!" I un-helmet myself, revealing all my wild, fluffy hair!
...Seiga's eyes just slowly flutter, and her mouth slowly opens!
Maria speaks up! "You think me and Genkan being here would've tipped you off."
Seiga gives the slightest of snorts. "So you say. Myself, I'd figured the yuki-onna was simply an easy woman. And you are quite the little activist, yourself, so you being here makes sense."
Then, her gaze centers on me! "This loon, however…"
"Make it two!" Kotohime's suddenly behind her!
Click- clack! She tries to handcuff one of Seiga's arms, but it didn't work. It just didn't work, dude. "...Fuck." Kotohime hisses! "I hate bonus bosses."
"...I'm not sure what emotion to feel." Seiga admitted! "Between appreciation and disgust, I'm split. It's… impressive."
"At this point," Seiga drifted back, and folded her arms, accenting her boobles. "I'm tempted to invite the lot of you to assist me. The magic girl, the loons, and if I must, the yuki-onna."
"No." I decide immediately.
"I can give you anything." Seiga held a hand out to me! "Including me."
"I don't wanna be sponsored by Raid Shadow Legends." Freakin', son.
"...Please?" Seiga leans forward…! "I can grant you anything."
Okay, one question, son. "Alright. Bibbity, bobbity, boo. Show me a computer."
...Seiga blinks. "A what?" You're cancelled, son.
"A'right we're done here." I shake my head, dude. I shake my freakin' head. "Pack it up- show's over!"
"Hold on." Seiga looks weirded out! "I have beings that can compute equations for us."
"Build me a computer out of skeletons." I don't think that's possible! "Get back ta me in like ten hundred years! D'ya even know what a logic gate is!?"
...After a pause, she double-takes! "Wh- what did you mean by 'computer'? Don't give me this bullshit…" Y'might be smart, y'might be a necromancer- but yer not technologically literate!
"What is it with obviously suspicious people offering me magic." Maria's done wit' this shit too! "Stop it, you."
Seiga's expression goes neutral, and she stares Maria down. "I'm not some door-to-door salesman, child. You can't just tell me to shoo."
"Yes, I can." Maria decides! "I'm not scared of you. Leave me alone."
"Se- Seiga…" Miko speaks up! "Help…"
...Seiga gains a big grin! "Oh, later, prince. You wormed yourself into this mess. Or, rather… fortune's seemingly smited you."
Maria points her staff at Seiga! "And fortune's about to smite you, if you don't scram."
"...I hate to admit it, but I'm quite annoyed." Seiga states the obvious! "I usually get what I want, see? And, in truth… there is absolutely no reason for any of you to refuse. I am the best ally one could have, in the cold world that is Gensokyo."
...After we're all gentle an' fluffy, Maria shakes her head. "I don't think so."
Genkan turns to face Seiga! "You heard her. Go."
"Mmm…" Seiga winked one eye shut. "Well. Perhaps I should give you a hand, prince. It wouldn't do if these random fools made a mockery of you, after all."
Sanae moves up before us! "I'm gonna hafta stop you right there. I'm not letting you do anything stupid!"
Seiga rolled her eyes. "Ooh. We~ll. What a shame. Then…" She looked at Maria again. "Is that your final answer?"
"Ye~s." Maria waves her hand! "Shoo."
"Fufufu…" Seiga shook her head. "I suppose I'll simply take you by force." Uh oh.
Genkan floats into the air, an' I raise my dukes dude- an' Sanae stands before Maria-
Then, Seiga's gone.
KRA- KRA- KROOM. From the piles a' snow before us, a big, metal and stone tomb rises from the earth, tilted onto one of its smaller edges. It's a big, stood-up coffin!
"Um…" Sanae swallows! "Seiga's known for her tricks, too… so-"
CREA~K. One of the coffin doors restlessly whip open-
FWOOM! A single huge fireball shoots out, roaring for the windmill's blades above us. It's tryin'a burn down the big spinny thing!
Fwish! Genkan intercepts it with some ice, stoppin' it from landing. "Fire…"
Then, a new girl walks from the metal coffin. She carries a big wooden staff, and has some fwoofy hair-... oh, and she's dead. Issa zombie!
"Zombies…" Sanae mutters.
"Woo! Zombies!" Kotohime cheers! "Hell yeah! Now I can go all-out…!" Wh- where'd ya get a double-barrel shotgun…!? …'Can you survive the knockback' is the better question!
"Mmh." Genkan looks uneased by the prospect.
Maria freezes in alarm. I look back at her- an' her mouth is ajar.
"Mm-" She swallows. "Mom?"
Oh. Oh. I look between the two.
Brown hair. Same hairdo almost. Wood staves… an' I can see the resemblance in the faces, even.
"What?" Genkan looks over at Maria too!
"Tha- that's-..." Maria stumbles back. "That's-... my mom…"
"Impressed?" Seiga lies on the air next to us, all a' sudden. "I brought her back for you. Aren't I so nice?"
...Sanae's spooked! "You did what now!?"
"If you're wondering, no, I was not her murderer." Seiga announces! And- wait, that was Matt, wasn't it? "I found her. Of any villager I've seen- she has had such incredible magical potential. She could have been someone remarkable. Of course, I couldn't let a corpse like that go to waste. And I knew you were her daughter, when I first laid eyes on you. Corpse or not… I'm not about to let you go, either."
Sanae clenches her gohei tight! "I'm-... not about to let you get away with that!"
The rest of my party's speechless, an' Kotohime has nothing to add! Yeah, it's… pretty fucked up!
"I'm lucky I found her only a week or so after decomposition began." Seiga goes on to elaborate…! "Calling her soul back was too easy- and she told me all about how she loved you, Maria."
"If you side with me, you could talk with her again." Seiga had a huge smile. "Her heart aches so hard, you know? Or, well… her soul, I should say. You know, the heart-... nevermind. But, she does miss you. Do you miss her?"
...Man, Kotohime looks pumped! When I meet her gaze, she mouths 'this is so exciting' to me…!
"Maria?" Seiga speaks up. "...Speechless, are you?"
"I-" Maria is understandably unable to find words. "M- mom…"
"Disgusting…" Genkan doesn't like it! "Such disrespect."
Well. This is kind of a unique situation! An' it happened so abruptly, too! But, it does kinda contextualize why Seiga wanted to fuck some shit up with us every so-and-so ago.
I step forward, past Sanae, and-
Fwi- Click! Summonin' One Million Raviolis- I mean Revenants, I sling it over my shoulder- ow, the flail bit hit my side- an' saunter forward.
"Y'know- I think this is probably one a' the worst Christmas gifts ever!" I hold up an arm! "Like, really! Or… maybe it's one a' the best." Aw. "Y'got the family back together fer Christmas!"
Seiga blinks.
I just march on up to the corpse a' Maria's mom, and greet it! "Hi, Maria's mom!" Ooh- geesh, she smells… like- oh god. Okay- five foot radius, at all times. That is by far the worst smell I have ever smelled… and I've smelled some pretty rank shit. "Oughta get ya some perfume and shampoo fer Christmas, yikes…"
"She's dead, you dumbass." Seiga's fed up with me! "She can't hear you."
Oh. "...So you lied 'bout the whole 'talking to her' thing."
"I-" Seiga clenches her fists! "I did not, but it is selective. I feed her what she needs to know-"
"Put us on speaker!" I yell back at 'er! "Feed me feed you! Me you me you!"
"I-" Seiga swallows, and starts again! "...I'm going to make her kill Maria, so that I can obtain her corpse. That's what this is. I'm threatening you. I will kill you all- er, Sally Yamada will kill you all."
"Put us on speaker, so~n." I really insist! "Also- you got any perfume? Spray it on her. You keep Yoshika smellin' this stinky?"
"I don't." Seiga gets indignant! "That's the bacteria- you see, as a war mage unit, she's-"
"So where's the perfume!?" I ain't lettin' this shit go, son!
...Narrowing her eyes, Seiga telekinetically lowers a cute li'l vat of purple stuff down-
fwish, fwish. She spritzes it all over onto Sally there, before floating it back up.
...Oh, man, much better. Probably a custom blend.
Reachin' forward, I take Sally's cold hand! "Nice to meet ya! Yer daughter's a lesbian!" ...I feel like I can feel Maria fluffin' up behind me!
"I-" Seiga's just beside herself! "What the fuck are you doing."
"It's almost Christmas!" I hold up an arm at 'er again! "I ain't got time for this dramatic shit! An' c'mon yo." I give 'er the stare, dude. "S'almost Christmas time, man. Speaker phone."
"...No? No." Seiga shook her head. "I think it's time for her to kill you now."
"She can't do it." Kotohime decides. "What a shitty necromancer." She elbows Sanae, for her to get the hint…!
...Sanae seems to catch on! "Yeah. I've seen movies where mediums do that- and mediums are just like, worse necromancers, right? Man."
I shake my head, dude. "Right? Yer a freakin' hack, Seigey. Man- ya coulda made then even more heart-wrenchin' and everything- but now yer just gonna party-wipe us and it's gonna be boring. You ever read a novel!? Played a- wait, y'dunno computers." Man, she's missing out!
"You really want to speak with her." Seiga looks absolutely drained…! "You really, genuinely want to speak with her so badly, you would insult my craft relentlessly, knowing I could turn the entirety of you- refashion you even- into any number of nightmarish tortures."
I point at her. "Now, I know yer a huge dick Seiga- but I'm hopin' you have taste! Even evil's got standards, baby!"
I like the fact she's even on the fence about this. She's seriously debating it! "That-... it's not a matter of taste, it's-"
Sanae yells! "It's totally a matter of taste!"
Idea. "Seiga." Let's roll the charisma check, son. "Before you kill us… you want some kool-aid? It's this awesome shit on the outside, dude. And dude-" I point across the clearing! "Maybe ya can spend a night with Aki-boy over there. He forgets he's got a girl-wife-friend-partner half the time!"
Akihito says nothing because he's absolutely petrified.
"I-..." She huffs. "You can't just-"
"Look, I'll make it even better." I reach into my pockets. "Five million yen!" Money talks!
...Seiga looks wounded. But then- "I can just take it from you-"
I hold my hammerspace bag up. "Not if I burn my inventory, y'dont! Y'see- everything I own is in this bag- and if I destroy it, I'm just a man wit' a plant hanger! No money, no nothin'!"
...Seiga licks her lips. "I can find where your storage is."
"It's in the Scarlet Devil Mansion." I return! "Y'wanna fight Remilia over it!? 'Cause that's what'd happen!"
"...You're not even joking about that, are you?" Seiga grits her teeth! "Well-"
"I'll throw in an offer." Idea. "...I'll tell ya the name and abilities of a girl even hotter than Maria over here. Someone wit' Yukari-like powers."
Seiga reads my eyes. "...I'm listening."
"You hear about the name Maribel?" Time to throw Merry under the bus! Sorry yo- s'payback for pissin' me off earlier! "She hits up the Hakurei Shrine now and then… I think. She uses plant hangers too- or well, did."
"...I do know about her." Seiga purses her lips. "Tell me something I don't know."
"She tried ta kill me just the other day." Ho~h… "Wit' weapons like shoulder-guns, katanas, gohei and hakkeros. A whole armory! An' she could read my memories, too. Scary shit. Don't think many people ran into her with that amount a' dungeon loot!"
"...That- is unique." Seiga had to admit! "Why did she want to kill you?"
"Well-" I amend, "not kill, y'see. She wanted to make her own Gensakey. She wanted me to be Adam, an' that yuki-onna friend ta be Eve!"
...Seiga's eyes light up.
"Useful information." She claps her hands together! "Fine. That, five million yen, and tonight's merriments. Do we have a deal?"
...I nod! "Yeah!"
...With a pained expression, Seiga raised a hand, and-
Fwish. A blue light a' some sort flared off of it.
Sally blinked- for the first time in like, ever. She woke up with a jolt, dude.
I shake her hand! "Yo- Sally!"
"I-" She takes a deep breath, despite not eating- er, needin' air. Eating air works too! "I'm-... who are you?"
"Yer daughter Maria's a lesbian!" I reaffirm the premise! "Nice ta meet ya!"
"Wh- what…!?" Sally blinks owlishly!
We did it, dude. We made a deal with a necromancer to have a pre-holiday family reunion!
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
...Well, son. Here we are.
A couple a' big jugs of Hawaiian Punch sit on the central table, as we sit around the fire inside the windmill.
The furthest couch has Seiga, Akihito and Miko there. Miko's passed out from pain, and Seiga's trying to molest Akihito- 'cause I guess she's just also a floozie on top of being obviously evil. Akihito's still half-naked, which probably isn't helping!
On the right couch- well, right 'a me anyway- we got Yawara, Sanae, an' Kotohime. Yawara's still whole-naked.
And on this final couch dude, is me, Maria, Sally, an' Genkan.
I sip from my party cup. Hawaiian punch is good, dude.
Everything is awkwardly quiet. I blame Seiga's existence. "Aki-ku~n…"
"Le- leave me alone…" Yeah, s'a real show over there.
"I-..." Sally opens her mouth again! "I'm… surprised."
"Yeah, me too!" I agree!
Sanae huffs. "I-... I could've taken her, y'know. This feels… really weird."
"Yeah, but." I hold up a finger. "It wouldn't've been a family reunion, dude."
Maria speaks up, after a long vow of silence. "...H- hi, mom."
Sally looks over at her.
Then, Sally wraps an arm around her- before embracing her fully.
"Thank you, Kaku." Sally thanks the necromancer! "For… fulfilling your promise." How awkward!
"Don't thank her." Sanae interjects! "She didn't intend on making good on it."
"Still…" Sally looked along the floor. "I'm just-... so happy, that I get to see my daughter again. With my own eyes. I thought it was all over..."
Sanae continues! "In fact-... you should be thanking the guy beside you. He's the one who convinced Seiga to make good on her, um, promise…"
"With money an' hookers." Essentially! "Chick wouldn't even do it fer five million yen, man. She's an asshole! Hell- she wanted ta off Maria!"
...Sally stared down at the table, then at me. "I mean, I wouldn't have suspected anything less from a necromancer." Wow! "What brought you to offer her so much, then?"
...I shrug! "Well, I dunno. Nothin' else I'm gonna do with money. Felt like a good moment ta throw some of it out- 'cause I really wanted this moment to happen!"
"Why is it so important to you?" Sally reiterates! "...Unless-"
"My wife- my girlfriend- is that yuki-onna over there!" I interject before things get outta hand, y'know nudge nudge wink wink anime cliches. "Maria's our friend pal."
Ha-chan pokes up over our heads, from behind the couch we sat on. "Mine too." Then, she goes back into hiding, before Sally can actually look at her. She tries ta look up to see Ha-chan on a delay, but she's already gone, dude…
"Did- you almost call me your wife." Genkan speaks up! "...It- it might be a little early to be thinking of that."
Aaa~h! "Aaa~h!"
Sally gives me a little smile! "...You two are really weird." Yeah- an' you're one ta talk, actual decayin' corpse!
"You've heard me utter one- two sentences." Genkan retorts! "How rude of you."
"Well- am I wrong?" Sally comes back, dude. "It's not everyday a yuki-onna gives such an easy impression, especially in a… moment, like this."
Man, dude. The holidays are always really awkward- at least sometimes. Seiga's that one shitty uncle you only see at one party and never shows up to any of the others.
"...You aren't wrong." Genkan admits!
"Ye- yeah, um…" Maria looks real fidgety! "These-... guys, they're my friends. I- I met them- a- a few weeks, after you died."
"We, um… we've been exploring Gensokyo. Trying to right some of its wrongs-... and, meeting new people, and having fun."
"I miss you, mom. But… I haven't been so lonely."
"Ee- even if-... I- I've still been mad at the village- for taking you away from me, and for making our lives hard…"
"All of it hasn't seemed so bad."
While Sally looks at her, I look at Sally.
I can see the incision in the back of her neck that killed her, which is glowin' with a pale light. Doesn't she got a jiang-shi talisman on her face? Yeah- she does. Kinda glossed over it when I first mentioned her.
Seiga sips from her Hawaiian Punch fer a moment… I wonder.
At the end of all this- I'd like Seiga to not be in control of Maria's mom. Her soul ain't ever gonna be free if Seiga's at the helm- but Seiga's kind of a tough cookie.
"And, when I look back like that…" Maria swallowed. "When I look back, I realize… if things hadn't happened as they did- I might not've made the friends I have now. Brad and Genkan, and Hana. I wouldn't've seen the things I did- or did the things I did, either."
"When I look back like that, I don't get so mad."
Sally hugged her tighter, an' Maria hugged her tightly back.
Seiga lowered her punch. "It wouldn't matter if you were dead, either."
...At everyone's stares, she giggles. "Fufufu. Just saying. Offer's always open."
crunch. Sanae slightly crushes her party cup, spilling Hawaiian Punch! "Aa- shit…"
Sally gives Seiga a look, but doesn't say anything. I wonder…
It's the world's craziest 4D chess game. Seiga's gotta know we all hate her guts right now! An' her opposition is me, Kotohime, Sanae, Maria, an' pretty much literally everyone else in the room. But if we just do heat moves on her, all it'll take is a flip of the switch and Sally's back in death robot mode. An' I don't wanna find out how good at that she is!
Kotohime meets my gaze. 'Ideas?' Time to communicate in mouths!
'I'm a fluffle.'
Sanae sees me not-speak, and turns to Kotohime!
Seiga notices me not-speak, and watches my lips! 'I suck cocks.' I reply!
Then, she pans her gaze to the other two.
"Go, fluffle!" An' that's when I summon my yu-gi-oh monster!
Fwish! From the aether, a fluffle descends!
"Wh-" Seiga gets fluff-whacked! "What-... why." She takes the fluffle off her face. "Aa- choo." Wahaha!
Kotohime gets up! "Hey, Seigmeister. Lemme show ya where the beds are. They're actually kinda hidden!"
"Seen them." Seiga was already down there, as I'd kinda expected! "I can float through floors, you know. As I cased this place, I went down there. Cozy."
Moving around their back, Kotohime steals Miko's earmuffs again. Miko's too dead to care.
She puts them on Seiga! "Oo- oh…" Lookin' back, Seiga grins back at her! "Really."
"Really!" Kotohime pipes back!
But, in the meantime, Sanae gets up and romps towards us- floating just a little off the floor so she don't make vibrations, apparently.
She speaks quietly to us! "Sally-... would you fight her- if you could?"
"As if I could. This talisman-" Sally feels at her jiangshi talisman. "It does not permit me…"
...Reaching forward, Sanae grabbed the talisman.
CR- CRACK- KRACK. Blue magic lashed back at her, but-
"Nngh-" Sanae grits her teeth, winces one eye shut- and- "Lady Suwako! Give me strength!"
Seiga's stirred by her yelling! "...Woah- hey! What're-"
BOOM! Suddenly, the room shakes! The juice jugs are jostled- and we all start to get up off the couch- as Suwako's energy fills Sanae so hard her newfound weight strikes the floor like a bowlin' ball!
"Everyone!" Sanae roars! "Grab onto her!" Ah- right, Sanae can't pull too hard. That talisman's adhesive might be stronger than Sally's neck.
Maria clings to her hard- an' Genkan grabs on from behind! I grab onto Sally's side- and Ha-chan leaps onto the back of the couch to pull with us…!
Seiga beams! "So this is how it will be, then!? Fufufu! I was waiting for one of you to cave!"
"Lady Kanako!" Sanae's voice echoes slightly- hints of Suwako in it! "Help me out!"
FWI- WOO- WOOSH! Ooh- that's a lotta wind…!
SHOO~F. The couch slides along as Sanae pulls- and we all keep hold on Sally's head- her eyes really wide-
FWISH! FWASH! Genkan freezes the floor-
"Stop!" With her time staff wielded, Maria aims it at Seiga-
KA- KLINK! Uh huh, nope. "Hah!?" Seiga is time immune, as any boss fight should be! "Did you think that would work!?"
PITOO. Wh- oh shit. She has a fuckin' silenced pistol!
"Nnghk!" She shot Sanae in the gut- holy fuck!
KABOOM! Kotohime fires her double-barrel at Seiga- "Woah!" -a~nd gets sent flying as a result. Also- Seiga is physical immune so that didn't do anything!
Fwish! Oh shit- there's that blue light! "Attack them!"
"Rr-" Suddenly, Sally starts to emit gutteral sounds…! Oh, boy! "Nngh-"
"Hnn~!" Sanae, pull harder, and faster! Damn- how fuckin' tightly adheded is a talisman!? Blue sparks dance all over Sanae's body, and blood is pouring out that gunshot wound like a fuckin' waterfall!
PITOO! "Anh!" Woah- Genkan got hit somewhere-
PITOO- THUNK! That hit no one-
PITOO! Nkhk- fhuck- fuck- fuck-
"Stop!" Maria casts it on the couch-
Ha-chan bolts from over us, and moves for Seiga!
PITOO- PITOO! Seiga's two wild shots miss-
KAZAP! Ha-chan flies right through her, which shocks her! "Nghk- owh…"
"Come-" Sanae's really pulling…! "Come the fuck o~n!"
"Are you even a shrine maiden!?" Seiga laughs at us… "You'll never remove something spiritual with brute force!"
Click. She starts changin' mags, having actually used all of a magazine's bullets.
"Ev- everyone-" Sally speaks- despite some kinda glowy energy building up along her limbs- "Run-"
"No!" Maria barks back! "We'll do this- even if we die trying!" Hell yeah- I- ow- that- wound. I'm hardly pullin' anymore… although it's not like anyone but Genkan was a huge contribution to begin with.
"Oh, yeah!?" Sanae roars. Slowly, her pulls weakens, and her eyes flutter. "I-..."
"You- you can't-" Sally coughs! "Kaugh-"
"Die already!" Seiga roars back!
PITOO- PITOO- PITOO! Oh- holy shit. Sanae's getting railed.
Blood shoots outta Sanae's mouth- as her hold on the talisman dwindles further.
PITOO- PITOO! "Hahahahaha~!" Seiga's high on adrenaline- as she just unloads.
"Brad!" Genkan looks at me- behind Sally's neck. "Ma- maybe-..."
"No!" Maria screams back! "We won't lea~ve!"
"Yh-" Sanae's still conscious, though! "You can't just-... screw with people- like this…"
PITOO! "I'll screw with who I damn well please, Kochiya."
"Do- khk- you even know- what it's like!? To have people you care about!?"
PITOO! "Mmm. Yes. They aren't you."
Sanae shakes, as she stands there, bleeding from freakin' everywhere.
Click. Seiga releases her second empty mag. "I always wondered, what a shrine maiden jiangshi would be like. A true, non-village affiliated one…"
That's when Sanae just has this ferocity on 'er face. Her eyes become prismatic, and her form starts to become vague with purple and orange energy.
"What a fucking disgrace." Sanae growls. "To those you love-... that'd you'd ruin loves so similar- for so much less…"
"I don't need a talking-to from a three-quarters dead maiden." Seiga waved her arm. "What are you waiting for, Sally? ...Mmh. Damn holy magic must be blurring the connection."
Sanae slouches, taking long blinks, despite the whipping wind and the ground cracking beneath her. She makes sure to keep her hand on the jiangshi talisman, though…
"...Come on. Bleed out already." Seiga huffed.
She went on ta keep teasin' Sanae. "Don't you know? Spiritual talismans scale proportionally to the strength of that which they resist. You were wise to leverage the body- but any well-designed talisman is nearly as implacable as the notable Hakurei talisman."
"Yeah?" Sanae began to stand. "Aa-... and?"
Seiga blinked.
WOOSH! That's when Sanae broke from us entirely- and began to spin in place.
"If it scales t'match the force of whatever's pulling on it-"
WOOWOOWOOWOOWOOWOOSH! Sanae becomes a cyclone in the midst of the room- and shit starts floating around- holy fuck-
I start holding onto Sally less to keep her in place- but to keep myself in place…! Ohp- and I grab a jug of the punch before it takes off! Ow- ow-
"Then I just have to give it everything I got in one blow!"
Now quiet, Seiga loads her third mag into her pistol-
"HAWAII…" Holy fuck that's loud-
PITOO- PITOO! Seiga's gunshots are also loud…!
I see Sanae pause in an instant, flicking her pale hand onto the talisman, pinpricks of gold replacing her eyes amidst the violent shade that enveloped her body.
"SMAAAA~SH!"
fwish. She pulled the talisman right off.
THOOMK- KABOOM! The table split in half and roared across the room in gibs. The couch under Seiga split in half.
CRACK- BOOM- BAM- KABOOM! The entire stone section of wall behind Seiga split open.
Sanae had delivered the talisman straight to Seiga's gut.
"OUH-" Seiga can grunt loud- holy fuck! "NHO- Ngh-" She attempts to grip the sides of the wall as she's launched, but-
WOOSH! She went catapulting out the crack in the wall, soarin' way the fuck off into the distance…!
...After that, Sanae lurches over and chuckles. "He-... heheh- hehahaha~! He- hkh- kaugh- kauff-"
As she kneels down, her magic fading, she raises her gohei into the air. "He- heal…"
FWOASH! FWOASH! Man, healing's broken. In a couple flashes of energy, her bullet wounds begin closing.
...Standing up, she looks lightheaded as she stumbles around! "Wo- wowo- woah… nn- hehehe…"
Ow. By the way- this bullet wound- fuck. The pain- travels in waves.
Fwii~sh. Genkan gets up and feeds frost into me. Ooh- damn, yeah, that's the ticket. ...Her own wound's all healed up, 'cause youkai.
...Sally looks around, blinking! So does Maria!
"...We- well." Sally shifts awkwardly! "Um…" Aw. She survived!
...Comin' up to everyone, Kotohime holds a jug of punch she also captured! "Hell yeah! You guys know how ta party!"
Oough. "Don't-" I hold up a finger. "Don't talk ta me 'er my son ever again…"
"Oof." I slouch back into the couch, amidst my own blood from my previous wound. Sally gives me a worried look…!
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
Well, dude. We're caked in blood, but we survived. An' we showed Seiga what-for!
There's no table, and we're down a couch, but Akihito didn't get raped, Yawara- I think took shelter, she didn't even help, and we're all just sittin' around now!
...Oh. Oh, fuck. The sun's coming up. We were up all night being retarded.
"...I- I don't know what to say." Sally's seated amongst us again! This time- Genkan's on my left, holdin' me in the snug position, an' Sally's on my right, then Maria. "...You have some really good friends, Maria."
"...Ye- yeah." Maria looks awkward again! "They're really cool. I-... I never could've dreamed, that I'd have them by my side." Hoh...
...Sally shifted awkwardly. "The only downside is that-... in just a day or two, without her magic, I'll probably decompose and return to being dead. So, um… I- I appreciate your effort, everyone… but…"
Kotohime held up a finger. "Wait. I know who you are."
...Sally gave her a plain look!
"You're that one baker!" Kotohime announced!
...Sanae perked up! "Bakers are artists, right?"
...Sally snorts! "If we stretch the definition of artist some, then yes. Though, at some point, any occupation becomes an art of sorts."
"I wonder…" Sanae decided it was big brain time. "I wonder if you'll wind up in Hakugyokurou!" Oo~h.
I wonder too. "What about Heaven?"
Sanae snorts. "Uuh. Dunno 'bout that. Heaven pretty rarely gets new blood. Which is why it's so stagnant, and also so tiny, for what it is." Damn. The fuck kinda saint you gotta be to live in Heaven…!? S'not even that great up there, to be honest!
Kotohime speaks up! "Didn't access to Heaven by nirvana get put on hold?"
Sanae gets a blunt expression too! "The- they can just do that? Where'd you hear that from?"
"Someone." Kotohime remains vague! "Oh, I remember. They said Heaven was full." Good. "...I dunno."
Sanae shook her head! "Over half of it's dedicated to people who don't actually live there…! It certainly isn't full!"
...Maria's confused. "If people don't go to Heaven or Haka- whatever, where do they go?" ...Hell, probably?
"Most people go to Hakugyokurou." Sanae returns! "...Unless they suck."
"Aah." Sally tilted her head back… "Was it a place with many cherry blossoms, and snowy, grey-white hills?"
We all stare at her gingerly. "...I was somewhere remote, there. It's such a huge, empty land."
Hoh. Sanae nods. "That sounds like Hakugyokurou. A lot of it's just open countryside and stuff. I've never been around the random lands, and most living people who go there don't wander from the mansion."
Maria blinks. "...Wait- living people can go there? Is there a catch?"
Sanae grinned! "Nope! ...Oh, um, don't eat anything you're offered there. Also, don't stay overnight. There's some exceptions, but just follow those basic rules and you won't become dead." Become dead, rather than 'be killed' or 'die'. How weird…!
"Anyway! Next time you're there, um… mom person, you should ask for Yuyuko's mansion, or Saigyouji Manor. If you demonstrate you're sentient and kind, the gardener will let you through. If Brad and his friends go there- you'll be able to see each other. And you won't be decomposing!"
Huh. So that's how that works…!
"...Okay." Sally smiled awkwardly! "I- don't get how all that works… but, I'll remember that."
So. Here we are, yo.
Some Hawaiian Punch, a buncha lead in our bellies, and the rising sun.
"...I-" Maria blinks slowly. "I should pro'lly go to bed… aa- actually…" With the decline of adrenaline, and everything, we're all about to flop over…
"It is morning…" Sally recognized! "Perhaps if I stay in the snow, my decomposition will slow. Or-..."
"Freezing?" Genkan suggested!
"I was going to say that." Sally nods…
...We stare at the big hole in the windmill wall.
Sally looks at me. "What was that about my daughter being a lesbian, again?"
"Brad-" Maria fluffs up! "I'm gonna poke your brain out…!"
"Wahaha!" Aw, yes dude!
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
END OF CHAPTER 107
NEW ITEMS (BRAD):
Type 67 Silenced Pistol - One mag, seven bullets remaining - Chinese semi-automatic pistol with an integrated suppressor; dropped by Seiga when she got alkabong'd by Sanae. Not as silent as movies might have you think- but it could be mistaken for a shelf falling over or something. Does a heavy amount of physical damage, and makes targets bleed. Ammo is expensive! How'd Seiga not know what computers are when she's carryin' one of these around!? Able to instantly kill many opponents with its sheer concentrated damage… if it hits the head.
Village Guardsman Armor - It's uh, as unimpressive as you'd expect…! Makes people think you're part of the guard! Protects your head.
STATS:
Protects the head. 50% Instant Death resistance.
Small boost to physical defense.
NEW ITEMS (MARIA):
Mom's Staff - Well-aged wood staff, reinforced both by Seiga and by Sally herself throughout her life. Practically indestructible, despite being made of wood. Said to be carved from a 'tree of life'.
STATS:
Doubles max MP.
Increases the strength of dark spells.
Increases the strength of healing spells.
50% Fire resistance.
50% Ice resistance.
50% Thunder resistance.
50% Dark resistance.
100% Instant Death resistance.
Mom's Jiangshi Talisman - Apparently didn't stick to Seiga when she got launched! ...Basically just proof of Seiga's handiwork. It's in Japanese, but no one can really read it, since apparently Seiga's cursive-ass Japanese and old dialect is in a league all its own. Probably intentional! Said to be a really complicated algorithm.
STATS:
100% Syphon resistance.
100% Silence resistance.
100% Instant Death resistance.
100% Freeze resistance.
100% Time resistance.
100% Space resistance.
SKILLS:
Resist Decomposition - Extends bodily composition by weeks. Needs renewing, and is no replacement for tissue surgery, which must be done regularly to keep jiangshi tidy and smelling nice.
AUTHOR'S NOTE:
a slightly biggish chapter, with a whole lot going on
kinda pushing the TIME LIMIT 'TILL IN-STORY CHRISTMAS, but this should be fine!
also pushing my personal deadline, as REAL LIFE CHRISTMAS is drawing closer and i'm scrambling to get some shit done!
didn't necessarily plan on pullin' out the "seiga is in possession of sally card", but seiga probably didn't either, but then was like "y'know what now or never, it's been weeks"
man this was a real battle of like everything
WITS, CUNNING, COMEDY, TRICKS and also BRUTE FORCE, of which seiga kinda has a limited supply of 'cause she's got minions, a chinese broadsword, and a chinese GUN
but she's also really spooky which kinda makes up for it
also miko just got owned in the crossfire, she was not prepared for the christmas bash
there were a LOTTA characters but i'm sure in post i'll be able to iron out a few things, if anything actually needs to be touched on… it actually feels pretty solid at the moment
next chapter i should be able to narrow the party down to some critical members and not have so many people in the party at the same time…!
like YAWARA and AKIHITO, who did ALMOST NOTHING aside from cower the entire time…! aaah, AHHHH
anyway, i should probably get started on that next chapter now
man this chapter was at 3 k when i started today, and now it's at 12 k
edit: uh oh less time on post-production than i would've liked
still i think this is pretty good, i think! i dunno i might touch it up some by next batch if my discord yells at me about some things
as always, see you all next time!
