Standard disclaimer. All science or medical etc is BS made up by me in here.

A/N: So I got a couple of concerned messages about the last chapter showing Sheldon was sexually abused. And I want to say, I hear you, and I understand and I updated the summary with warnings. In my defense I said in a couple of chapters that its going to be majorly angst and dark. And I'm only saying this once, right here:

If you were offended by that scene in the last chapter you might want to just give up on this story because it gets a hell of a lot worse. This is a dark angst ridden probably over dramatic story. I'll be going to that too far line and toppling over. I'll be writing way past the "i can't believe you went there."

Read with care.

Also, I'm not to normally beg for review but I would really love to hear your thoughts on it. It really does encourage a writer to write more and faster because they know that someone is liking their product. So please RR

Chapter 6

To Bernadette the weeks seemed to have flown by. She was glad of that as she was already tired of being pregnant. She didn't like how she couldn't stand for long periods, having to pee every five seconds, and worse of all, being so tiny in build makes you look ten times bigger when pregnant.

She was just coming up to her 7th month when the 'nesting' urge began to take hold. Sheldon had explained to her that it was when a woman felt the need to prepare themselves and their homes for the arrival of the baby. He gave a multitude of examples of this throughout the animal kingdom but stated mostly for humans, it was cleaning and readying the nursery.

Despite Sheldon's best effort Bernadette did learn about Howard's accusations from that day at lunch. Raj was over for dinner, like he always seemed to be, and spilled the beans. To say Bernadette was livid would be an understatement. She worked herself up so much that Howard and Raj forced her to go to the hospital as she felt stomach cramps.

Bernadette liked her new unusual friendship with Sheldon. Since then they had hung out, just the two of them at least twice a week, they texted constantly, and Bernadette was actually excelling at work due to Sheldon's insights. She excelled already of course on her own but the way his mind worked was beyond anything she had ever imagined. He thought of new approaches and dissected the problem in a fraction of the time it would have taken her. While she didn't need it she was very thankful for Sheldon and his willingness to share knowledge. She had worked very hard for her career and she was afraid being pregnant would jeopardize that. She didn't tell Howard but she was feeling a little depressed about it. But with Sheldon's help and strangely, encouragement she was still performing at optimum capacity.

It was strange hearing encouragement from Sheldon. Most things out of Sheldon's mouth always sounded insulting, rude, and condescending. The group knew by now that what he says isn't exactly what he meant and tried not to take it too personal. It was hard sometimes as he knew exactly what to say to hurt you the worse, all unintentionally. And how he did it was by stating the obvious truth, which most people avoided doing or acknowledging.

Howard though didn't seem to like their friendship much. While the guys, and even them girls would poke fun at Sheldon and openly and loudly express their dismay at his presence, she couldn't help but notice his demeanor lately when they did. He would get quiet and look at the ground with his hands clasped either in front of him or his lap. She noticed how, once a dominating conversationalist, for the most part, he did not participate in the conversation unless asked directly anymore.

Howard seemed to notice it too as he had taken extra care to be an ass to Sheldon lately.

But back to the nesting. Just a couple months away from birth Bernadette decided it was time to do some deep cleaning enlisting Sheldon's help. It was very useful having him around as not only did he do cleaning and do it right, he was tall and could reach the places she and Howard never could.

After several hours one Saturday they finally collapsed in the living room, exhausted and dirty. She had sent Howard out to play with Raj so she could ready the house and to keep her husband from tormenting Sheldon. Or at least that's the reason she was sticking with it but the truth was she didn't want to hear him whining about having to do chores.

"How about I get us some Lemonade and cookies so we can sit on the patio and have a break." She suggested. It was a nice cool day and fresh air sounded wonderful at the moment.

"Counter proposal. You go outside and put your feet up and I'll bring the lemonade and cookies out." He suggested back. Bernadette pretended to think about it before agreeing to it. With a laugh she followed him into the kitchen and out the back door.

Sheldon helped her off the couch and she followed him to the kitchen, exiting out the back door from the laundry room. She mused as she sat herself down in one of the deck chairs the consideration Sheldon gives her. She could understand now why Amy would still be with him despite everyone else's opinion. Sheldon showed Amy another side to him. One that was kinder and more considerate. Though he's been extra considerate since finding out she was pregnant and before they started this camaraderie. Not verbally though, apparently he can't control his mouth but he would offer to get her things so she didn't have to get up, or helped her get up.

It was a beautiful afternoon. The sun was shining upon the porch, blocked a little by a couple of trees. The gentle wind felt good on her skin as her nerves calmed down from the physical activity she just did. Placing her hand upon her bulging belly she thought idly about how she came to be there. She had been so adamant about not living at Howard's mothers house but here she was. Though it was no longer Howard's mothers house. It was hers and Howard's, as the woman who lived here no longer did.

Sadness enveloped her as she thought about her mother in law. She hated the way she yelled everything, and she was really great with the guilt trips. But say what you want about the woman but she was a good person. She was loving and generous and accepting. It broke her heart that her child would not get to meet the woman.

"What's with the tears?" Sheldon asked gently as he set down a tray with two glasses, a pitcher of lemonade and a plate of cookies. He poured her a glass as she tried sitting up a little and wiped the tears away.

"I was just thinking about Debi." She said softly. Sheldon gave a small nod as he sat down next to her with his own glass.

"I didn't like how she yelled everything." He said. "But I do find myself missing it sometimes when I'm around Howard, or I'm here."

"She was loud. Howard's entire family is. I think it's a Brooklyn thing." She chuckled. She looked over at Sheldon seeing him deep in thought. She watched him for a few moments before gently nudging him with her foot. He looked up at her and gave a small smile before taking a drink of his lemonade.

"I do not like yelling. It sounds too much like fighting. It sounds angry." He mused.

Bernadette watched as Sheldon's eyes seemed to glaze a little bit and he turned to his own world. It amazed her how he could do it so easily, though she didn't like the frown that formed. She knew about Sheldon's aversion to fighting. She's heard both Penny and Leonard complain about it on multiple occasions. She had never said anything more than just 'Then don't fight.' in response. Growing up in a large Catholic family with a cop for a father and a mother running an illegal daycare about how overwhelming loud noises could be, especially when fighting.

She wondered about Sheldon's childhood sometimes when she just let her mind drift. The small tales he's told always sounded horrific to her even as he composed them as whimsical.. She can easily guess that his household was not as endearing as the others believe. It couldn't have been easy for Sheldon, being so intelligent to have grown up in east sounded as stereotypical hicksville as one could go. She remembers Penny telling her about a paper Sheldon wrote but had to change the title to because the people in town believed he was a witch. How much backwards could they have been?

"Hey, you ok?" She asked him. Sheldon looked over to her again and sighed. Placing his glass back onto the table he sat up from his reclined position in the chair to face her.

"I was hoping I could ask you about something." He said shyly. "About Amy."

Bernadette struggled to sit up straight herself and in her excitement moved too quickly. With a scolding from Sheldon he helped her up and placed a pillow behind her back. "Ask away."

Sheldon sat back down in his own chair, leaning his elbows on his knees. She watched him open and close his mouth a few times as he tried to form words. She bit her lip to stop herself from yelling at him to just spit it out already. Her curiosity was getting the better of her. She knew Amy was anxious. Their anniversary, the new one from the date they got back together again, was coming up in a few weeks. Bernadette knew what Amy wanted but wondered if Sheldon did. And if he did, would he be willing?

"Well as you probably know, our anniversary is coming up." He said "Duh" she said to herself. Sheldon seemed to be struggling for words, something she didn't think could ever happen.

"Sheldon, you can tell me. Are you planning something?"

"Yes, but I don't know if it will be enough." He confessed. Bernadette's brows furrowed slightly as she stared curiously at him.

"What do you mean?" She asked him.

"Well…I know…what Amy wants. But…"

"HI HOE!" Howard's voice rang out and she turned her head to glare at her husband.

"You're supposed to be at the arcade." She bit out annoyed as Howard grabbed her glass of lemonade and cookie.

"Well, you should have given me more money." He teased, looking between the two. "What's going on here?" He asked.

Bernadette glanced over at Sheldon, seeing him holding tight to his knees that his knuckles were white. She was sure he would have bruises later. He looked at her with pleading eyes, and as she gave a tiny nod of understanding he seemed to relax. "We were just taking a break from cleaning.

"I can see that but you looked so serious. What were you talking about?"

"We were talking about how to get rid of your magic junk without you noticing." She said and wiggled to stand up. This time Howard reached out to her before Sheldon did and she was up on her feet.

"I think I'll be going now, Bernadette." Sheldon said softly, gathering everything up on the tray.

"You sure? Do you need a ride home?" She asked. "Howard, give Sheldon a ride home." Howard opened his mouth to protest but Sheldon cut in before he could, saying he was fine and would take the bus.

And just like that, Sheldon was gone and her opportunity for some good gossip from him disappeared. With a sigh she trudged into the house with Howard trailing.

Sheldon walked quickly down the block, his long legs carrying him at a good pace. His mind was elsewhere however as his heart rate beat quickly and his gut turned. He wasn't quite sure what he was going to say to Bernadette. Maybe just acknowledge to someone that he did know what Amy wanted, and that he wanted to give it to her, but he couldn't. Not yet.

He stopped at the corner where the bus would pick him up and clasped his hand in front of him. He wondered if maybe talking to Missy might be the better option. She already knew everything. Well, mostly everything. But enough that she could potentially give some good advice. However his last few conversations with her hadn't gone so well.

She pleaded with him every time to get help. He didn't understand, he was doing just fine. He was handling everything just fine. His life was Just Fine! His work was progressing, He submitted his application and proposal to Dr Owlster on his theory, he was getting closer and closer to Amy and he found a new friend in Bernadette. There was nothing to need help for.

It was a lie though, he knew it but refused to acknowledge it even to himself. He knew he was on a precipice and could easily fall. With all the stability in his life it was difficult for others to find the instability unless they knew him enough and cared to look. Which Missy did. She knew about the teachers, she knew about Germany. She may even know about their father.

A cold chill traveled down his spine at the thought of his father, but he couldn't dwell on it then as the bus had arrived and he grasped at the momentary distraction. He showed his pass and took a seat farthest from anyone else. It was a short trip, only about 8 stops, but it was long enough for him to gaze out the window and let his mind wander.

It wandered over to Amy and his heart felt like it would burst. He wanted to marry her. He wanted to ask her last year but then she broke up with him. He remembered the pain that caused. His heart felt like it would just stop beating. His chest hurt and he felt desolate. Luckily he had his friends, especially Leonard and Penny. He is always grateful for them though he rarely if ever shows it. He may be forced to share his personal emotions with Amy but he wasn't with anyone else, and so he kept them close to him and behind that wall. Both had hurt him. Leonard had betrayed him on multiple accounts in regards to Sheldon's work. When he was mad at Sheldon, Leonard could be vicious in his payback. It wouldn't look vicious to anyone else though unless you understood Sheldon. Something as simple as when Penny took over all the washers on that Saturday night, disrupting his schedule. It was minor and the others had laughed. To Sheldon though he felt his skin itch and his heart race. His mind was frazzled and all he could think about was he was off his schedule. That one little thing threw off his entire evening. On top of that his mother told him to apologize to her. He had lost the war they were in, but she had already won without his mother as he spent the rest of his night in complete chaos.

Sheldon looked to the front and saw his stop was next. He reached up to the bell to signal he wanted the bus to stop. Once it did he exited and quickly pulled out a bottle of purell, soaking his hands in it. The bottle was nearly empty. He would have to get another one.

As he walked to the apartment and up the stairs he once again mused about talking to his sister. He remembered how Amy had been shocked a few weeks ago at learning the frequency that he spoke to Missy. It wasn't really a secret, he just didn't share. The others wouldn't understand anyways. Though other than Howard, the others had siblings, none of them were their twin. There was a special bond that was just between Missy and him, and he refused to let it be contaminated by the others. It was already disturbing to have Leonard, Howard, and Raj all fight over her last she visited.

Sheldon reached the 4th floor and grabbed the keys from his pocket and entered the apartment. Dropping the keys in the bowl by the door Sheldon looked up to see Leonard and Penny cuddled on the couch watching a movie. The smell of fresh popped popcorn filled the air.

"Hey, how was the cleaning?" Penny asked him as he shrugged off his coat. Instead of putting it in on his chair like normal however he kept it in his hand to put in the laundry. It did touch the bus after all.

"It was fine." He replied vaguely, walking past them. He needed a shower. He felt gross and grimy from both the cleaning and the bus.

"Sheldon!" Leonard called out, stopping Sheldon in his tracks. He turned around to look at his roommate. "There's dinner for you in the fridge when you're ready." He said.

"Thank you." And with that Sheldon walked to his bedroom to grab what he needed for a long hot shower.

Leonard watched his roommate walk by, stopping him for a moment to tell him about dinner. However he doubted he'll see Sheldon again that night. His roommate had been spending more time in his bedroom alone these days than out in the living room or elsewhere with his friends. He remembered his talk with the others that day at lunch, the others didn't seem too concerned. Even Penny thought Leonard was being too much of a mother hen. But still, his spidey senses were telling him something was up.

"I can hear you thinking." Penny said from where she laid her head on his chest. "Can you do it more quietly, I'm watching the movie."

"Oh come on, you've seen this movie like ten times." He scoffed with an eye roll. Penny sat up then and leveled a glare at him,

"I'm sorry and how many times have you seen Star Wars?" She pointed out. It was a good he took the good grace to look ashamed. "What are you thinking so hard about?"

Leonard opened his mouth to speak but closed it as the sound of Sheldon's door opening stopped him. He waited until he heard the bathroom door close before turning back to Penny. He took in her appearance, noticing how her brows were slightly furrowed and her lips were pursed as she looked to the hallway.

"I'm worried." Leonard stated, causing Penny's attention to return to him.

"About Sheldon?" She asked, though he knew she was already aware. After the unsuccessful discussion at work Leonard felt some relief that another person noticed. It wasn't just him being hyper sensitive.

"He's not been himself." He started. "I mean, he still does his normal everyday things but there are some differences. He doesn't eat breakfast, he works in his room now. He seems distracted on most things but focused on others."

"Amy's noticed too. She said he looked exhausted and he doesn't smile as much."

Leonard thought of that. His roommate did look exhausted frequently but he lumped that in with the change in his eating habits and his focus on his work. Something that Leonard wasn't a part of. He felt kind of hurt that Sheldon hid his work away. They had always been a part of each other's work, if not collaborative then at least as each other's sounding board. But now Leonard had no idea what Sheldon's current focus was.

"We should do something. But I don't know what. I don't even know what's happening." Leonard confessed to his wife.

Penny closed her eyes for a moment before leaning back into him to watch the movie again. They were silent for a long time until they heard the door to the bathroom open and the sound of Sheldon's door closing.

"I think we have to wait it out some more." Penny said. "And hope it doesn't explode in our faces."

Leonard thought about that. He didn't think they could wait for more information. He was afraid if they didn't act soon something bad would happen. But he agreed with Penny and stared back at the television taking nothing in.

Amy watched from the sidelines as her friends put on their protective gear and prepared themselves for war. It was to be a war to end wars, or at least between departments at Cal-Tech. She marveled how this university managed to bring their employees together, even if it was to slaughter each other with balls of paint. Her former employer UCLA never did anything like this.

The boys enjoyed it immensely. They would go a few times a month, usually on a lazy Sunday for practice. While she personally did not see the appeal in it she couldn't help but be flustered by seeing Sheldon dressed up in camouflage and protective gear race out, gun in hand to defeat the enemy. Being a neurologist she knew it was just an ingrained pathology to find the strongest of their species and mate. She felt it often with Sheldon with him being the smartest of the group, but seeing him physically fighting rated it up even further.

Today she was just going to watch from the observatory section while the menfolk and Penny go to war. Bernadette couldn't participate, being pregnant and all, so Amy was chosen to be the one to keep her company. She wasn't going to complain. She wasn't into this. It was just something she participated in occasionally to spend more time with Sheldon.

Once they were all geared up it was time for Amy and Bernadette to leave and allow them to go into battle. She watched as Bernadette kissed Howard hard, telling him to bring home as many corpses as possible to decorate the house. It made Amy gag, though she didn't know if it was from Howard and Bernadette kissing or the corpse comment.

She looked up at her boyfriend who stood beside her, setting up the paint into the gun. She reached her hand up and gently laid it upon his forearm, and he turned his eyes from the gun to her. She could feel herself start blushing from the intensity. It was really this look he gave her that made her put up with the whole paintball thing. To Sheldon it wasn't just a game. It was real, and he put his all into it. And when they would leave and either go to his place or hers, he'd still be riled up from the adrenaline, and drag her to sit on a couch before attaching his lips to hers, and not letting go for a long long time.

Or, long for them.

"Good luck. Ok?" She said with a smile. Sheldon's eyes left hers briefly and surveyed the room before leaning down and placing a peck on her forehead. It seemed innocent but to Sheldon and Amy it was the equivalent of making out in public.

"I'll see you later." He said softly and she just gave a small nod before turning away. But she stopped and looked back at him for a second, their eyes meeting and her heart pounding. "You go and take out those geologists." And with that she turned back around and walked out knowing that Sheldon's eyes were still on her.

The two women walked quickly back up the path to get out of the field before the horn announcing the start would commence. Once safely out they took the elevator up to the observatory which gave an overhead view of the field. She could see the other teams getting into position and she waited with anticipation to see Sheldon again.

"I saw that, you know." Bernadette said, breaking her out of her own thoughts. She looked over at the small pregnant woman curiously. "That kiss Sheldon gave you. That was hot." She teased.

Amy felt her face flush again as she turned back to the field, her heart pounding at spotting Sheldon's long form. She couldn't help but think that he was right about how great an elf he would have been. It never failed to surprise her how good a shot everyone seemed to be. Most of the people in the playing field handled the weapons like they were a part of them. But then again, she shouldn't be surprised that a bunch of nerds who play a lot of video games would be good marksmen.

"Howard said the chemistry department hid rocks and gems around the geology encampment to distract them." Bernadette said, once again breaking into Amy's thoughts.

"I also heard that the chemistry department took one of their experimental drugs and that there were undesirable side effects so they will most likely be out." Amy added.

"Ah yes, They were working on an inhibitor for adrenaline that wasn't a steroid." Amy looked at her curiously and Bernadette just shrugged. "When you're in the pharmaceutical business you keep track of the competition."

"Understandable. Apparently there is some celestial event going on so the astronomy team will probably be looking up at the sky. I'm curious, why isn't Raj with them? He's an Astrophysicist."

"Oh, the other astrologist wont let him participate claiming he's too close to the enemy. AKA other physicists."

"Makes sense." She agreed.

They were quiet as they watched their partners battle it off between departments. She felt a little bad for not supporting the biology department but who could blame her when she was dating the one Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Nobody was worth watching more than him. Plus, being his girlfriend it was obvious her loyalty would be divided.

"Your anniversary is coming up isn't it?" Bernadette asked, breaking the silence again.

"Yes. While I was more than happy keeping our old date, Sheldon insisted that we celebrate the new one as it represents a new relationship." She explained. "With that it means we've been together for one whole year, and not 6 long ones."

"Is there anything special you're wanting?"

Amy stared at Bernadette for a moment, trying to get a read on her. She couldn't tell if she was asking because of being Amy's friend or if she was snooping for Sheldon. In the long run she's not sure it mattered but she liked knowing people's intentions.

"Sheldon send you?" She asked first. Bernadette shook her head.

"No, more for my curiosity." She said, "However, if you want me to sneak a hint I'll be happy too."

Amy thought of that, it would be so easy for her to just tell Bernadette what she wanted from Sheldon and have her tell Sheldon but Amy wasn't sure that was what she wanted. What she wanted most from Sheldon was to move forward with their relationship. In the past years they have made leaps and bounds of changes compared to when they started, or even broke off. But she wanted to move forward, and she wanted Sheldon to be the one to recognize it and do it himself.

"No, I prefer Sheldon to figure it out." She said simply. She saw Sheldon duck behind a tree and her heart fluttered more. She hoped she never got used to that feeling each time she saw him.

"That's understandable. But for my own curiosity what is it you want?" Amy stared at her friend for a moment.

"You promise not to tell Sheldon?"

"Of course Amy. You're my friend, I would never blab." Bernadette said innocently. However Amy knew different and that frequently when she said that, she would tell Howard, who would tell Raj or Leonard. But now that she thought about it none of them would tell Sheldon so she at least had that.

Amy took a good look at Sheldon once more before turning to Bernadette. She closed her eyes for a moment as all her wants and dreams flew through her mind, and when she finally looked at Bernadette, she knew exactly what she wanted.

"I want what you have." She said simply. Bernadette raised her brow in disbelief.

"To be pregnant? Trust me, it's not as much fun as I make it sound.

Amy shook her head. "No, I mean, I want what you and Penny have. Love, marriage, a fully functional relationship. I want what you guys have."

Bernadette reached out and touched her arm in sympathy. "You will have that you know. It's just taking a little longer."

"What are you doing with Sheldon?" Amy blurted out. She bit her lip as punishment. She didn't mean to say it, but it's been weighing on her mind for weeks.

"What do you mean?" Bernadette asked, confused.

"You two barely spoke to each other and now you're like best friends. What are you doing with him? Is this a cruel joke?" She asked

"A joke? It's been weeks Amy, that's too long for a joke."

"Then what's going on? I can't figure it out. I know you know something about Sheldon that I don't."

Bernadette sat there with pursed lips. Amy felt ashamed at her outburst but she had to know the answer. She needed to understand what was happening. And most importantly, she needed to protect Sheldon.

"Amy Sheldon loves you." Bernadette started.

"That's not what I asked."

Bernadette raised her hand to quiet her and Amy sat back, still feeling ashamed. "You know Sheldon better than all of us. I don't know if I have information that you don't, but I do know that Sheldon shares a lot of himself with you, more than you ever know, and more than any other person he's ever encountered. If there's something I know that you don't, he probably has a good reason. Such as he's not ready to speak to you about it."

"I know."

"And you know how he is about privacy,"

"I know, I'm sorry I asked." Amy said, placing her face in her palms. "I just-"

"I love him and care about him."

Amy looked up then, and wiped away a tear that somehow escaped her stared at her friend for a solid few minutes before saying quietly. "I do love him. But, I'm not sure I can keep doing this."

"Amy?"

"I love him so much but I deserve more in this relationship." Amy paused as she took a deep breath trying to stop the sobs that were escaping. "It'll be the hardest thing I'd ever have to do to break it off again. But, If I have to, I will. Because I deserve more."

With that she turned away from her friend and looked out the window once more. She could see Howard, Raj, and Leonard cheering, obviously excited about something but she couldn't find Sheldon at first. Then she spotted him, laying on the ground, covered in bright green paint. He was shot down by friendly fire. What a perfect metaphor for his friendships.

TBC please R&R