(in which we get on a table and enter cat tub fever)

Snacks, huh…?

I take in the winter village air gingerly. What kinda snacks do I wanna get Genkan? And me? And Genkan? ...And me?

I'm just gonna stand here for a moment, dude. Small but strong, dude.

Maybe some Lays. Imagining Genkan with any bag of chips is a cute mental image. Y'know- maybe I'm just absolutely enamored with her now. When'd this even happen…?

Cue the flashback to twenty hundred hours ago! Wait, no.

But all I know is, I need ta get some snacks! Some delicious stuff, dude. Aw- maybe some board games, too.

I wonder if we'll head back to Genkan's ice cave. Ho~h… man, dude. S'time to live it up in Gensokyo, man!

...Ooh, I know! The Moriya gas station-

When I turn to the left, seein' Maria and Genkan off in the distance, some dude's in my face immediately!

"He~y, pal!" It's that blue-haired cat man! He's got some shitty, dusty brown jacket on, and no shirt underneath it. And jeans! "'Member me?"

"No!?" Yes but no!

"I'm the dude ya just fuckin' woke up!" The cat held his arms out! "You threw shit at my house!"

...I look to the side! "That was- someone else!"

The cat guy slouches. "Yeah- someone else with a fuckin' gay-lookin' kimono and a stupid lookin' crown. I wasn't born yesterday, dickhead."

I meekly raise my dukes! "If we're gonna duke it out, I'd rather sooner than later…!"

He waves me off. "Aah- forgeddabout it. Not here to punch ya. Who were those babes y'were with? Who the hell're you?"

Gone. "I'm gone." I fade out into nothing, leaving the scene immediately.

He chuckles a little! "Th- the fuck?"

"Who're you…!?" I ask him instead!

He jerks his head back! "...You even from 'round here?"

"No!" I'm Portugese. "I'm from Garland. Garfield."

...He gives a little shrug an' raises his brows. "Kugo Koin. Baddest ass in town. Ask any lady from 'round these parts, they'll agree. An' if they don't, just send 'em ta me."

The pretentious energy he radiates is baffling! Like- I said Garland Garfield, and his- supposed- name is Kugo fuckin' Koin…!? Y'can't make this shit up! "Does yer middle name start with a K too?"

"Yeah uh-..." Kugo double-takes when he realizes what I said! Then he laughs! "Shu- shut the fuck up. Anyway- that uh, snow bitch. You know her?"

I lick my lips! "Nope!"

...Kugo blinks, and furrows his brows. "Really? Like, I coulda sworn…"

Man, dude, I dunno dude. "They were traveling bar mitzvahs. I dunno where they're goin'."

"That's not even what a bar mitzvah is you fuckin'..." Kugo shook his head. "Yeah, whatever. How 'bout that little witch chick? She looked like a cute fuck."

"Rock fuck." I decide.

...Kugo kinda grins awkwardly! He dunno what to say in response!

"Look man, I dunno!" I hold my arms out! "Y'can go talk to them yerself, man."

"Fuck that." Kugo waved the idea off! "Fer now. Some bitches just ain't worth it. If I see 'em 'round town more, maybe. Sure as hell won't be today. Just slapped that ice bitch, no way she won't just ice my ass again."

...Then, he narrows his eyes. "Why were ya wit' them again? An' not now?"

Oh! Uh. "Business! Y'see, they told me they were bar mitzvahs."

"Ooh!" Kugo perks up! "So they's the stupid ones! Hah!" He claps his hands! "Fuckin' hoes sometimes, I swear." This is really jarring, holy fuck…!

Let's really convince 'em! "So we were goin' door to door, with those loaf things- it was weird shit man. But I made some mad yen. Twenty thousand!" Twenty thousand's a big number right…!?

"Woah! No shit!" Kugo's amazed, so I guess I said the right number! "How 'bout I buy you a drink? We can talk an' shit. Hey… d'you know any hoes?" Jesus this guy is thirsty!

"No…!" I should send him to Remilia for shits. I don't think he's that munted, though!

Kugo snorts. "Yeah, figures. Not gettin' ladies in that gay-ass kimono."

"Excuse me if I don't like freezin' my nips off!" Kugo walkin' around without a shirt over here!

He rolls his eyes! "Pussy human bitch." I can't believe he just incanted an arcane ritual…! "It ain't that fuckin' cold. My blood's hot as fire. Small-dicked, cold blooded human pricks can't compete." Dude, he's so aggressive…!

...At my gigglin', he grins back! "What, somethin' funny? Y'think this is funny? S'it still gonna be funny when I knock y'on your ass?"

That just makes me laugh harder! "Dhu- dude- ho ho ho…!"

Kugo laughs too! "Pfhuk- 'ho ho ho'...? Fuckin'- you Santa or some shit?"

"Yeah man!" Dude, this fuckin' cat man…! "Dude, it's Christmas!"

Kugo snorts, lookin' away. "Yeah, bu' that don't give you no excuse to be gay-" then he double-takes! "Anyway! I gotta feelin' you're fun when yer drunk. First round's on me."

Oh boy he's gonna hate this. "I don't drink!"

Kugo beams at me! "Youhuhu~... limp-dicked, human fuck."

Casting an arm up, he began to mosey along. "Fi~ne. I'll take ya under my wing. I'm in a good mood t'day. I'll buy ya some fuckin oolong tea, 'er maybe orange juice if that's yer shit. Fuckin' human manlet." I'm like, a bit taller than you…!

He moves for the Golden Grin, which's like, right there. Aw, yeah dude. Let's steal from their pantry! I bet Yukari's got all the good shit stashed in there!

Comin' up to the front door, he gives the bunny girls a peace sign. "Hey, ladies. This's my apprentice fer t'day. We'll see if he's as gay as the last one, yeah?"

The chainsmoker on the right waves us off. "Uh huh."

The bubbly bunny on the left bows to us. "Do good work today, Kugo-kun!"

Kugo moves to stroll inside-

-but before he can shove his hands in his own pockets, the bubbly bunny grabs his left arm like a vice! "And if you break the damn poker table again- I am going to kink your stupid dick."

Kugo shies back! "Oo- okay, sorry. I know that docked yer pay, but-"

"No buts, smartass. Next time that happens, you won't be gettin' laid for a week. You won't be able to sit right for a week. Next time y'play poker, think a' me."

"Sheesh. Fine." Breakin' from her grip, Kugo meanders on ahead. "Bitch."

"Dickhead." The pink-haired bunny flicked us a middle finger! "...That goes for you too, human."

Kugo just throws his arms out in minor exasperation, before keepin' on keepin' on!

Soon, we're inside the Golden Grin casino.

Quiet, classical music plays right now, as opposed to the times this place was a rave party.

"Take me up, to the highest height…" A brown-haired lady with a side tail sings idly, as she plays that piano up on stage. "Turn my heart, inside out…"

Thin, gold light is cast across the club instead of rainbow disco rave party lighting.

"Y'know…" I just realized. "Ain't it a bit early in the mornin' for you guys to get drinkin'?"

"...Eeh. Damn. Sorta." Kugo shrugged. "Whatever, forgot the day just started. Well, when yer a host, y'end up drinkin' damn early anyway. Lemme tell ya: women, love, booze." I got a feeling it ain't just women here, but you do you…!

We head down the central aisle, past some table booths and rows of slot machines, coming to just before the stage.

This chick with long brown hair suddenly gets up from a booth as we pass, and comes on up ta Kugo. "Um- hey. Aa- about yesterday-"

"Aah- yo, Urako." Kugo waves at her, smiling. "Y'have fun?"

"...I- I guess." She swallows, and looks down. "I just-... I don't know if I can do this."

Urako's like… she looks twenties-thirties-ish. She's really busty, wearing some kinda white tank-top and some brown villager skirt thing. Y'know, the leather-looking fantasy skirts seem weird with some a' the more outside-like apparel mixed in.

"Sure ya can, babe." Comin' up to her, Kugo looks back and gives me a sharp look, before focusin' on her. "Whaddaya mean?"

"I- I mean…" Urako swallowed, her arms folding back as Kugo wrapped an arm around her. "My parents-"

"I told ya, babe. Fuck them." Kugo leaned closer ta her face. "They lived just as wild as you. Maybe even more wild! Cut loose!"

"But-..." Urako frowned, shying away, facing away from him.

His left hand clutched her chin. "They're gonna learn what y'wanna do here one way or another. You know how it is. We ain't gonna let you just fuck 'n' run. What would daddy Urako think, huh?"

Urako bit her lower lip. Kugo pushed himself into her, displacing her some. "You know what you did."

"You- you said-..."

He drew his finger across her hairdo. She had blunt bangs, but perfectly straight hair. "If I got ta cum inside, I wouldn't tell anyone about it?" Kugo got so close, they were nose to nose. "Yeah. I lied. An' I got your panties ta prove it."

Urako's tired face flared in anger. "You-... you jerk. You fucker. You-"

"I'll see ya tonight, cute stuff." Kugo parted from her, casting an arm up. "Wanna party? How's company sound? Sounds good? Great!"

"Co- company? Wait-"

"Cool!" With that, Kugo began to march off.

"Aah-... fuck…" Urako held an arm after him, before refusin' to follow. "Fuck…"

...Lips pursed, I kinda approach her curiously!

"Fuck off, pervert." Face red, she gets aggressive at me! "You-... won't get a piece of me. I- I'm done here. I'm never coming back!"

I am afraid of the angry woman, so instead I get away and flee from her!

...Not sayin' anything, I follow after Kugo as he moves up to this bar counter in the like, back corner of the club!

A woman with short black hair sits with her legs crossed at the counter, and Kugo instantly slips into the seat next to her. "Hey, Eire."

"Kugo~." This Eire chick has a single round bun behind her head, and even-cut bangs. "Good morning. Up to your usual tricks?"

"Y'know it." Kugo snaps his fingers. "Hey. How's an orgy sound tonight?"

She snorts. "My god. Can you be any more obnoxious? You're usually better at buttering a woman up than that."

"I don't hear ya sayin' no."

...Eire pouts, and folds her arms under her boobs, looking away.

Kugo smiles, before voluntarily sighing. "Look, I had a bad mornin'. I got a feelin' today oughta be busy too. I'll take you and the other girls and boys to a party tonight. We'll hit up your favorite suite. How's that sound?"

"As long as you play the game correctly. Then, perhaps…" Eire pursed her black lips, and shrugged. "I may be in the mood."

"Perfect." Kugo placed a hand on her bare shoulder. She had this like, black dress thing on. "I'll make y'feel like a million bucks."

Eire exhaled. "You better love me like I'm worth a million. I don't come here just for the sex. I come for the atmosphere."

Kugo beamed. "An' I don't just come to get laid. I come for fine ass like yours. Your eyes're sharper than knives, Eire. It's my job ta make 'em dull."

"Gods…" Eire shakes where she sits, her deep gaze becoming wanting.

...But slowly, that Eire chick focuses on me! "And, him…?"

Kugo seems to remember I'm here! "Oh? Ah- right, him. Eire-chan, meet tonight's uh, guest star, what's-his-face. Consider 'em my like, eighteenth apprentice this month."

"Normally you at least bring other cats." Eire gives me a cross look…! "Is he hung?"

Kugo shrugs. "Pft. He's human. Figured y'girls could use someone greener fer a change."

...I place a fluffle on the bar counter.

Kugo and Eire give it a neutral look, as if they dunno what ta think about it.

"This is Kugo's new pet." I announce. "He's Little Kugle. Say hi to him, dude…!"

"im krooger"

...Kugo has the most absent look on his face!

Eire holds a black-gloved hand before her face! "Mm-... Li- Little Kugle? Really, Kugo…?"

Kugo double-takes! "Wh-..." Then, he glares at the both of us repeatedly! "Shut up, human dweeb. Fuckin'- Eire, y'think I'd get one of these fuckin' dust traps as a pet?"

"I don't know…" Eire looks endeared! "Little Kugle sounds like something you'd name a pet."

"As fucking if!" Kugo throws a fit, dude! "That name's so fucking gay. Pets are a fuckin' gay thing. Only fags own pets. Like this human cum trap over here." Kugo gestures to me! "I don't even know what his name is. Oughta name him-... uh…"

When he looks back at Eire, she looks really disinterested! "Uhm…?"

She sighs. "Hnn. Well… you can think that. As for me…"

She gets up, and starts to leave! "I have something to do."

"Wh- shit- wait!" Kugo reaches out, but Eire just continues to leave!

...Man, she has a huge ass. What the fuck. Why's like half the human chicks at this club stacked for no reason?

"Shit. She- owns pets. Fuck." Kugo realizes what he did wrong!

An' then he pans to me, glaring!

"little kugle!" The fluffle's into it dude! Despite its proclamation, it's still just… sitting there, non-emoting, looking forlorn…!

"You knew my morning sucked. You threw off my fuckin' groove." Kugo gets in my face! "Next time that shit happens, you won't be fucking laughing, numbnuts." His breath smells like fish.

...After scrunching my nose at his breath, I smile, dude. "Little koogster."

Noticing me recoiling at his breath, he takes a breath mint outta his coat!

...And then, after eating it, Kugo starts marching towards me, and I start backin' up! "You think you're a real hot piece of shit don't ya!? I'm gonna fucking-!"

thump. Ooh- shit. I backed into something hard all of a sudden!

Kugo pauses his hair-trigger rage, lookin' up past me. "...Ah. Mornin', milk-tank."

"If you start a fight this early in the day, I'm going to bend your skinny ass into a pretzel." Dude- this guy's voice is fuckin'... deep!

I turn, and-... oh! I remember this dude.

This is the dude I tossed a slot machine into at mach-ten. That seven-foot tall cow guy outside the club, with long an' messy brown hair.

He's just in jeans, with no shirt. This immediately feels very gay somehow.

"Oh, shut the fuck up." Kugo flicks him a middle finger! "I'm gettin' that promotion today, udders. Y'want it from me, y'can suck my seven inch cock."

"Heh." Big man folds his arms! "We'll see about that. Pussy is easy to crush, and you're the biggest one here." Are you from planet Earth…? Who says that!?

"Ooh." Eire, who is suddenly just to our side, gives us a silky smile, turned on by all the gay energy! "I'd like to see that."

"Sh- shut the fuck up, Eire." Kugo gives her a strained look! "Fuckin'-... witch bitch."

"Ehehehe…"

...Then, big cow man looks down at me! Yeah- down. I'm six feet tall. He's seven. "And… is this…?"

Before Kugo can speak, I do! "Kugo hired me- ta take care of his pet. Say hello to Kugo Quarter…!"

"little kugle!" The fluffle emanates its voice without even moving, somehow…!

...Stillness. The big guy's taken so off-guard that he just kinda freezes there!

"Fucking- fuck…" Kugo facepalms! "I will slit your goddamn throat, you little fh-... cumstain." Yeehaw!

"I-..." The big man just steps back! "I'm happy… for you? Kugo? Owning a pet… is a responsibility I thought past you."

"I will cut off your balls." Kugo's really mad…! "I'm not responsible! Shut the fuck up!"

The big guy grins in a really evil way! "I didn't know you had a soft spot, Kugo. Would you like a kitty collar for your next birthday? For your pet, of course."

"kugle!" This fluffle really likes that word…!

...Kugo slouches, then looks at me! "If you don't throw this goddamn limbed rat out right the fuck now I'm gonna fucking rape you."

"Gay." That's gay.

Kugo leers! "An' I don't give a fuck. Toss that shit, now." I can't believe he's actually bisexual!

Picking up Little Kugle, I lament dude. I sigh, I heave, dude. "Alright. I will kill Little Kugle."

"little kugle!" Little Kugle does not know its fate, dude.

"Push it in a fuckin' toilet for all I care. If I see that thing again… fuck."

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Unbeknownst to the world, Little Kugle still lives on. No one knows I have a hammerspace bag yet…!

Kugo lays face-down on the counter next ta me. The big man on campus is behind the counter now, with a shirt on, actin' bartender.

"Welcome to the Golden Grin." He gives me a proper introduction! "My name is Orato. Platinum host, and master of many."

Ohp- oh shit, Eire sat down to my right.

Kugo perks up ta my left, raisin' his face from the counter.

"...You are not technically staff, so I can't tell you anything more." Orato decides! "But do feel welcome… if you have money. Also, hello Eire."

"Orato…" Eire leans into the counter! "Are you busy?"

Orato raises his brows in interest. "...And why would that be?"

"You know why."

Orato has a big, knowing smile, as he polishes a glass he got from under the counter. "...As delectable as you look in that dress today, I'm afraid me and the other high-ranking hosts will be somewhat busy, this afternoon. We're all only open for one-on-ones later this evening."

"Oh… right. Promotion day." Eire takes note. "I had forgotten. It didn't feel like Kugo here was taking it seriously."

"Hey- it's why I was thinkin' of a late Friday night orgy party!" Kugo stood from his seat! "When I'm a platinum, this whole damn village'll know!"

Orato sighed. "You will never be more than a gold, kitty. Not when I can split you in half." Not sure if relevant, but also very gay sounding…!

Eire purrs, despite not being a cat.

Kugo gives her a glare. "...Don't. Do not."

"I wanna see Kugo take your fat fucking cock." She bites her lower lip and leers! "Fu- fufufu…"

After gazin' at a strip of golden light, Kugo shakes his head and refocuses on Orato! "Anyways. How the fuck're you even a plat? All you do is split women in half with your damn fat third leg."

"All you do is make them feel used." Orato folded his arms. "I make them feel broken."

Kugo hissed. "Hhh… oh, come on. Yer dick does all the work for ya. Y'got no skill. I take women who don't want it, and make 'em want it." Uh oh. Stranger danger…!

...While a chick in a purple dress saunters by us, Kugo takes pause ta-

Slap! -smack her on the ass.

"Eh- ah!" The pony-tailed girl froze, twisting to behold who did it. "Kugo- ah…"

Huggin' an arm around her, Kugo pulled her closer as he sat back down. "Hey, babe."

"Fh- fuck off- Kugo-" The girl pushed against his arms, struggling some. "Da- damn-"

Sitting her in his lap forcefully, Kugo wrapped his legs around hers, and hugged his arms around her waist.

"The- day just starte~d!" She whined, trying to pull on the counter. "Friendly fire! Lemme go…"

"Relax, Aina-chan." Kugo nibbles on her right ear. "I ain't gonna do anything right now. Just wanted to check up on ya."

"I- I'm not your girlfriend…!" This Aina chick tried ta struggle from his grasp, but seemed to melt to his embrace. "Damn it…"

"Warm my lap fer a few moments, kay?" Kugo asked of her. "Just wanted ta let you know, too… room forty-four's gonna need service tonight."

"I- I whh- I won't do it…"

Kugo just gropes her, while speaking into her right ear. "Y'won't be alone. It's gonna be a cr- razy party. Y'won't wanna miss that shit."

After being groped a few moments more, Aina sighed. "You- asshole…"

She shifts in his lap, draping an arm around him. "What do you want? Make it quick…"

"Me and my assistant here…" Kugo gestures ta me. "We could use a li'l TLC ta wake up, see."

...Aina sighs. "Well. I- I guess… I'm-"

fwump. I place Little Kugle on the counter.

Kugo notices instantly. "Oh my fucking god."

"Kugo hired me to take care of his pet." I repeat! "Say hi to Kugo Dollar."

"little kugle!" Yeah, go Little Kugle!

...Aina starts giggling! "Dollar…!? Lhi- Little Kugle? Ehehe~!"

Thud! Kugo ejects himself from under Aina, and lands on his ass under the bar stool! "Fh- gh…!"

"Wh- where'd he go…!?"Aina noticed the suspicious lack of a douchebag underneath her!

I climb onto the counter- as Kugo leaps off the floor at me! Dude- I'm under attack! "Yo- woahoah shit! Dude- calm your hormones!"

Kugo climbs on the counter after me! "You're dead- you fucking cuck! You hear me!? I- hkh!"

...Ooh! Orato grabs him by the neck, holy shit!

BAM. Oo- oh! Orato just- picked the guy up fucking entirely, and then smashed him head-first into a wall behind the counter. Like he was a fuckin' doll. My grasp to a fluffle, his grasp to Kugo's head…!

A red smear of blood was left behind, as Kugo slid off the wall and into a crumpled heap on the floor.

Aina has her hands over her mouth, but looks pleased! And, uh…

"He- fufuhuhahaha!" Eire laughs her ass off! "Orato! Fu- fuck him! Right here!"

...Orato just gives her a firm glare. "I'm not gay. That's also improper."

Eire slumps into her seat. "Killjoy. I know you've bent a girl over this counter before…"

Aina slouches, an' snorts. "He- totally has…"

Instantly, Orato's eyes trace Aina's form. "That dress looks amazing on you, Aina-chan."

"Fuck-..." She wants to say 'fuck off' but restrains herself. "Mmn. Thank you, Orato-kun."

...So, uh, I slowly sit back down, next ta this Eire chick!

Eire turns to me. I just kinda stare at her!

"You busy later?" She smiles warmly at me. "Since everyone else is busy… giving you a try wouldn't hurt."

"He isn't a host." Orato announces!

"I don't care." She- oh, shit. She wraps an arm around me. She's stronger than me by a large enough margin to just pull me into her. "How's that sound, boy? A date with the elegant Eire? I'm thinking we can head to my place... after we get something to eat, of course."

...I'd say it's strange I'm gettin' all these lusty women now, but when I think about it, I was almost raped by a lotta chicks before I met Genkan!

"That sounds bad." I nod! "Let's not do that! I disagree!"

Eire giggles, an' just hugs me with her right arm harder! "Fufufu. My… what cologne is that? You smell brilliant."

What the fuck. I don't even know how to answer that, because I have only bathed like half a week ago, and I don't even know what kinda soap we used!

"You seem like a funny kinda guy." She notes! "I like funny."

...When I don't say anything, she hugs me harder again! "Should we go now? I know a restaurant. I'll pay, if you can't." Jesus she's thirsty!

It is time for the big announcement! "Sorry I'm taken!"

Eire rolls her eyes! "Oh, you. Fine…" Wait- woah!

She stands, and pulls on me! "Come with me, silly boy. I have… something to show you."

Son! "What part a' 'I'm taken' don't ya understand…!?"

...She takes pause. "Aa- are you actually joking?"

"I'm not actually!" How incredibly awkward! "I'm taken…!"

...Eire leers at me! "I can guarantee you I'm a better lay. I know a man's body and heart like a spider knows webs. You won't be able to get enough of me when I'm through with you."

"I can guarantee you that I'm taken!" I counter! "I know how ta bludgeon dudes with plant hangers like a bird knows how ta swim!"

"Or are you into subby fucks?" Eire leans up against me…! "Aina-chan…"

"I- I'm not fucking him so you can watch." Aina turns her down!

Eire gives her a huge grin. "Not even for twenty thousand yen…?"

...Aina sighed, now more unsure of her stance. "Well… I- I mean, that is a lot…"

Eire whispers into my left ear. "Looks like you're getting laid." What the fuck!

"No I'm not…!" I contest! "Yer gonna have to drag me kickin' and screaming!"

"Stop being such a little bitch." She's fed up with me now! "You're the last guy on planet Earth over here. If I can't get my fix from you, I'll be bored all damn day. I have money to blow, here."

"Well the last guy's gone, which means mankind is extinct!" I counter! "'Cause this man was already taken!"

Eire grabs me by the shoulders! "...Look. I don't think you know who I am."

"A slut…!?" She sure sounds like it!

"Well, yes." Wow! "I prefer 'playful woman'. Aina's a slut."

"Hey- fuck you…" Aina weakly retorts. "It's a living."

"I am heir to the fortune of my family." She looks me in the eyes. She's got grey eyes! "They moved to Gensokyo in the eighteen hundreds. We made a lot of money… and I'm using it. As money should be used. I have more yen than you'll ever make in your life." Citation needed!

"I like being broke." I retort…! "I'd rather be broke than fuck you!"

Her face flares in anger, fer an instant! "...Mmn. Well." But then, she tries a new angle. "You have a girlfriend, yes? A wife, maybe?"

"Maybe!" I remain guarded!

"One hundred thousand yen." Eire bids for my loyalty! "I'll be your side hoe. I'm sure she'll see it that way, too. Unless the cash won't be good enough. In that case, fuck her. You'll only need me."

"I don't need a hoe." I shake my head. "I ain't a farmer!"

Eire huffs! "Besides, I don't see a ring on you." Holy shit, leave me alone dude…!

"I will shit on you." Begone, thot!

"Ew." I did it! "Alright. Fine. Fuck you. Stupid virgin." I can't believe she retroactively made me a virgin…! "Moron."

That's it. I reach into my bag.

I draw Meiling's wooden nunchucks she gave me. "I will nunchuck a thot into outer space." I don't know how to use these but I'm still gonna do it!

Eire gets away from me! "You-... can't be thinking of-"

"Hoiya~!" I make ninja noises, and advance, and she begins to shield herself "Hiyaa~!" Time to randomly swing it around!

"Pft- hehahaha~!" Aina laughs in her seat! "Beat 'er good, guy!"

"Please put those away." Orato demands! "Or I'll crush your head, as well. Just because you don't work here doesn't mean you're safe around me."

"okay i'll stop" I reply in as high-pitched of a voice as physically capable from my throat, and put away the nunchucks…!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

"...You better have." Kugo gives me a very suspect look.

"Aah- yeah man, s'kay, it's run its course." I lie very blatantly, informing Kugo that I have thrown out Little Kugle when I have very much not! "While you were out, Orato got pissed at it and fuckin' smushed it. I'm tellin' ya: it's gone."

Also, this fuckin' Golden Grin place is nuts. Like, of all the asinine shit that goes down in the Human Village, this place is probably where the most asinine shit goes down!

For some reason, I have a blonde, bobby-haired cat girl loli in my lap. Yeah, don't ask, it was just as sudden as this introduction! She's just wearing leopard-skin rags, like a fuckin' cavegirl.

Her left arm is behind my back, and she lays sprawled out in my lap. This was not my decision to make, by the way! It just… happened!

This other, middle-aged black-haired lady sits at Kugo's side, looking tired, clad in a blue dress. "Ku- Kugo-kun… are- are you- what are you going to order…?" She sounds dead.

"Mrrow…" The cat girl in my lap meows at me, and licks my cheek. "Nehehe. Cat got your tongue? It's 'kay. Lotta you eighteen year olds're shy."

Her legs reach into Kugo's lap, and he sits with his left leg sprawled out on that one random girl's lap.

The blue-clad middle-aged lady is Mamiko! Apparently she got divorced 'cause of coming here too much, and she really regrets it, but just kinda comes here everyday anyway.

"How's shots?" Kugo beamed at her. "I know y'like yer hard shit."

"...Oo- okay."

"I'm Kii, by the way." This freakin blonde cat girl…! "I might look young…"

She whispers into my ear. "But I've drained more men than years you've been alive. So, if you wanna play… we can go play. 'Member that, kay?"

...I look at Kugo again, and he's leerin' at me! "Judgin' by his cheeks, he ain't gonna last long. Actually…"

thump. Kugo knees the table a little, and it slides back some. "Mamiko-chan. Kii-chan."

Mamiko took pause, eyes widening some. Kii-chan- I mean just Kii- hugged onto me tighter!

"Fifty thousand yen fer you both, if we get some under-table service."

Mamiko looked around. Then, she quietly slipped beneath the table.

"Yes!" Kii just slides down off me, onto the floor. "This boy's driving me up the wall. I-"

Suddenly, Little Kugle is in my lap. "little kugle!"

"Oh, hey." I act as if I didn't see him there! "It's Kugo's pet, dude. Kugle Chrome."

...Kii's cat loli mouth just goes ajar at the thing! Aw- hey, she has the anime fang.

Mamiko has raised brows! "...You-... a pet? Kugo?"

"Uuh-..." Kugo looks like he wants to take a tire iron t'my forehead! "Ffh-... I- I mean…"

Mamiko stops moving into the succ position and just sits next to him on our C-shaped couch. "I can give you advice. Before my husband kicked me out- we used to have a few cats…"

Kii thrust herself up-

BAM! And hit her head on the top of the table!

"Oww~!" Flopping on her side, she rolled around on the floor! "Fuck! Fuuck…"

...Kugo plainly twists to smile at me.

I beam back at him!

Taking Little Kugle from my lap- he fuckin' starts trying to beat me with it! "You mother- fucke~r!"

"Dude- yo ho ho!" I act like the impacts really hurt- so that he doesn't get something to actually beat me with! "Ouh! Haarrgh!"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Kugo has assigned me to be Orato's apprentice instead, question mark…!? I- is there an organization to this? Am I employed or am I not…!?

Anyway, this Orato cow guy's made of way sturdier stuff- mentally and physically!

He sits at this C-shaped booth across the club… like, parallel to where Kugo's set up. Orato himself sits in the couch's center.

Four girls are all around him, two on either of his legs, and the others just within forearm reach.

One has silverish hair, and a blue dress. She looks like a knock-off Keine! Another's got red hair, another's got navy-ish hair...

More notably, there's a western girl here at the very left of the couch, next to me! She's got blonde hair, and seems really focused on me for no reason.

"Orato…" This black-haired lady in Orato's lap spoke up. "I'm tired…"

"Then sleep, my dear." If Orato had a stupid fucking fedora to tip, he'd tip it. Mu- muh, m'lady…!

...Then, Orato looks over at me! "You. Your name."

"Bob." Yep!

...Orato nods! "Pick a girl, Bob." Wat. How cursed! Well…

I look at the blonde western lady next to me. She's like, my age. "Her?"

Orato makes an announcement. "Emily. You are now Bob's girlfriend for today."

"Yes, master Orato." Emily gives him a salute fer some reason! "With pleasure."

Emily freakin'- sidles up to me instantly. "I'm gonna pretend your name isn't Bob." Pft. "...How's Brad sound? Or how 'bout Brandon?" Oh my fucking god. "Anyways, whatever. Unzip. Does that- ugly thing you got on even have a zipper?"

"Why unzip." I shrug…! Where the hell's this going? What is this!?

"We're gonna fuck." Wat. "...What's with that face?"

"Right here, in the middle a' the club…!?" What the fuck's goin' on du~de!?

Emily rolls her brown eyes. "Well, duh. Everyone knows it happens all the time. Long as you keep quiet, it's fine. Anyways, dick out."

Wait.

Taking pause, I look across the club, at where Kugo is.

Huh. Wow. Him and Mamiko really are just- having sex over there now. Somehow. It's not obvious, but it's totally what they're doing. They're clothed and shit, but the motions are, y'know...

"S'this a casino or a brothel…!?" I'm really, honestly not sure at this point!

"Simple. It's both." Orato announces! "No one cares what we do. We can do anything."

Then, he smiles at me. "Go ahead and enjoy yourself. Emily likes outsider men. She's an outsider herself, see. Where were you from?"

"Oh…" Emily took pause. "I was like, um... from Montana. United States." Huh.

Orato nodded again. "Do you remember what you wanted to do?"

Emily pursed her lips. "...What uh- what'd I wanna do?"

"Perfect." Orato beamed. "You see… before she became part of the family here, Emily actually wanted to go back home. She was having no fun."

"Oh! You mean that!" Emily beamed. "Hehehe… yea~h. I'm sure dad, like... thinks I'm dead anyway. No way outta this Gensokyo place anyhow. So... whatevs!"

Wh- she just hops onto my lap- and tries to attack my kimono! "Open up, skinny. Not many clients like you who look at least halfway decent."

Alright, son. It's time to diffuse the bomb.

Drawing the Bawmber from my bag, I lean past Emily, aim it at the floor… an' shoot!

KABOOM! The round table fuckin' soars off into the distance…!

"Eee~!?" Emily leaps off me!

...BAM! Somewhere ahead, the table lands on a different booth! "Aaa~h!"

"Ow- fuck! Fuck!"

"Did- did Orato throw that…!? Why!?"

"Ugh-... my drink…!"

I raise my arms! "Yeah- woohoo!"

...Oh my god. Orato's head twists to leer at me so rigidly you'd think his joints were squeaking!

"If you don't get far away from me in the next minute, I'm going to fucking kill you." Oh man he ain't happy man…! "You'll wish I killed you. You'll be fucking defiled. You'll know why all these women pool up on my lap, because you will too. They'd all watch- as I-..." He seems to catch himself before he embarasses himself by verbally writin' erotica any further! "Rrgh."

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

"Kugo, get your preppy ass up." Orato's big voice vibrates through his arm!

I'm held up by the back of my kimono, which is trying to escape from me 'cause of gravity!

Zipping his fly, Kugo sits up. Mamiko's just kinda lying on the couch next to him, looking dazed. "Oh, fuck off. I just came, dickhead…"

"You'll never match my output." Orato announces, as he places me down. "When I'm promoted to manager, I'm turning you into a cocksleeve." Really not helping the whole 'not gay' case…!

Standing up, pushing the table some, Kugo bared his teeth. "Shut up, Orato~! 'Cause I don't give a fuck!"

"The only thing you do is inconvenience women." Orato says, as if he's any better…! "What good does that do, when I'm the one who breaks them?"

I step back, as Kugo slips past the table, and comes up ta Orato… and pushes 'em. Or, uh, he tries! Orato doesn't move though!

"Breaking households takes no skill." Orato towers over him…! "You only piss people off. I give them chills."

Kugo leans back, leering. "Pissing people off? Yep- that's all that I do! An' from how you're fumin', it's like I've done it ta you~!"

He holds his arms out. "I treat every woman I fuck like they might be my last! That's why they all think I'm the biggest pain in the ass!"

whump. He punches Orato in the cheek. Orato's head doesn't move…!

"And- I don't just break houses! I make 'em feel trapped!" Kugo says, like it's an accomplishment…!? "I jump all over girls- an' they never go back!"

Orato marches closer to him! "Everyone only thinks you're a nuisance. Why don't you find a couple new tricks? You bum off of wives as if you were homeless. Why not just get married and have your own gig?"

"I destroy people's marriages! Why would I want my own, bitch!?"

Shink! Kugo draws a pocket knife! "Cheating is an art- I find a canvas and paint!"

Orato snorts loudly! "You can call it an art, but it won't get you paid."

Kugo sneers. "I leave debris in my wake."

"I leave emotional scars."

I like how Kugo's like, fuckin', a head shorter than Orato. It makes coming up and glaring at him seem like a really stupid thing to do…!

Both of them look at me, 'cause I'm watching!

"I've got a fluffle." I hold up Little Kugle.

"fluffle" Says the fluffle!

Kugo seethes! "An' I wish you had a wife. I'd fuck her six ways t'sunday. I swear on every fuckin' god."

"And that's where your thinking is flawed." Orato taps his head. "I would simply marry her instead."

...Kugo flails his arms around! "That's like the same fuckin' thing you meathead!"

"I feel like I've stepped into a gay flying cowboy convention." I have to admit…!

...Uh oh!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Bam! I ram a door open with Fallen Comrade, and marauder on in!

"I'm on the run!" I'm on the run! "Gimme all your pantry goods!" I hold my hanger like it's a rifle!

...Ooh! I've broken into a dressing room!

"Oh- woah!" It's that Aina chick! "It's you!"

"It's me!" I nod hard! "I'm on the run!"

"From what!?" Aina is bewildered!

...Ooh! There's this chick with long black hair- in an off-color orange shrine maiden outfit!

But she has a bag of BBQ Lays in her arms dude.

I come up and yank 'em outta her hands!

She holds her arms out, shocked and confronted.

SPRITZ~! Then I thrust Deep Blue into her face and unleash its watery wrath!

"Wgh- aah!" She dives away, soaked, chilled and defeated!

"Wo- woah! Tsuruko honey!?" Some random chick- I think that's Emily- comes up and tries to help Tsuruko!

If they had Lays- that means the stash is here man.

I rumble to the back of the room where the red dressing curtain is. Alright, let's do it!

Fwish! Casting it open, I ramble inside, and-...

Gasp. Dude. It's…

"The Christmas stash!" I found a cornucopia of chip bags, cookies and other outsider junk snack foods! Dude oh my god.

I practically vacuum the entire thing up into my hammerspace feverishly and with vigor-

"What the shit's goin' on in here!?" Kugo barges in, real quick!

Twistin', finishing my act of assimilating all of the junk food, I stand tall.

Fwi- Click! I summon the Bawmber and Red Scare into either hand.

Flailin' 'em around like swords, I stop with them at my waist, arms crossed. "Y'better get ready, son. I have the powers of God and anime on my side…!"

shink. Kugo draws his claws! "And I'm gonna shove my dick in your mouth, you fuckin' fag."

"Woah- hey!" Aina hustles up to me! "Give us back our junk food!"

Tsuruko snaps off the floor, and runs at me…! "Hrrh-...!" Oh- holy shit she's movin' holy fuck-

Flailing the hangers around, I drop onto my ass and clap the floor wit' 'em-

KABOOM- FWOOM! Yahoohoohoie!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

BOOM- FWAM! Oh fuck- oh shit-

BAM! Exploding outta the dressing room girl room thing, my back slams the opposite wall across the hall…!

Thu- thud! "Kgh- kauff- rrgh!" Kugo rolls out after me, on fire, half-charred! "Fh- fhuhuck…!"

My gravity boots clad and turned on- I fuckin' spiral down the hall wuhouhouhouu oh god-

Orato lumbers out, just now catching up, from around a corner-

I fuckin' swooce right in- fuckin' flailing through the air past him, way overhead and on the other side of the hall!

"What- the fuck." Orato clenches his fists, and is angry, but also way too slow to actually come after me- especially at the rate I'm goin' I don't think I could catch myself…!

Wait- the door though. The door- the door's oncoming dude oh shit-

BAM! Ow. Rock fuck, indeed. Owowow… I slammed it with my body.

cli- click. Flicking off my boots fer a moment, I uh- push the doors open…

Man, this is still opening hours! Imagine how fuckin' crazy this place is otherwise!?

...Just visually though, I can't really tell how many other host or hostess booths are actually as screwed up as those two dudes! It doesn't seem like there's many other that could be having sex… but, uh, yeah the day just started too! There's really not that many other people around in general.

People come first thing to get to talk to those two dickheads, though. Jesus…!

CLACK! Ohp! Orato and Kugo emerge from the metal pushable door behind me!

There's nothing goin' on, on the stage- so I leap up- and jump again to get onto it!

Clack! I land on my metal gravity boots hard, and pivot around…!

"Fuckin'-" Kugo leaps straight from the door- to the stage, holy fuck! "Stop movin' around so much, damn it!"

"It's rodeo time, son!" I start bouncing around the stage, as Kugo begins galloping after me! "Aw- yeehaw!"

We gallop circles around one another-

WOOSH! Until Kugo just leaps at me!

PAPAPAPAPAP! I unload both my hangers in his general direction, a hell's storm of darts roarin' right into him!

BOOM- FWAMBOOM- BAM- FWOOSH- BOOM! "Hruug- ugh!" He's sent spriallin' away like a fuckin' ragdoll, his stupid dirty jacket flailing among the force an' the flames!

I can't believe it's a multiplayer deathmatch! "Yahahaha~h!" Dude he flew so fuckin' far…!

Thump. Thump. Oh, oh shit…!

Orato lumbers up on stage, impressed by his own existence. "You're not getting away."

fwi- fwish, fwish. Wait, what. Aw. The curtains behind us rustle, a small entourage of hidden fluffles suddenly stirred, moving around without logic or reason…

"Son- I'm gettin' a Platinum on this arcade match…!" I need fifteen knockouts in thirty seconds, can ya believe that shit!?

RI~P! Ohp- Orato ripped his shirt off, restoring his gay cowboy status. Wait- I just realized, cowboy is a really apt pun because he's a cow youkai…

"Everyone!" He yells! "Watch… and learn."

I gallop back and forth pointlessly!

Then, Orato raises both arms overhead, and just- runs forward! "Hrr- raaa~h!" Ooh!

FWISH! Brilliant, explosive orange light booms from his form as he charges forward at walking speed. Spirals of amber magic flush from his muscles and arms, trailing his almighty assfuck all-out super duper run attack.

PAPAPAPAPAPAP! Gallopin' to the left, I just unload both my NERF guns!

FWOOM- BAMBOOM- BLAMBAM- KABOOM! I- I like how a lot of my darts just fuckin' send themselves flying, and very few actually land on the target because of all the explosions.

"Rr- rrh…" Orato starts to stumble around. Yeah- bad luck and confusion aren't fun status procs for a walkin' talkin' statue, I'd think! "I- can't…?"

"Fuckin'..." Aw! Kugo's back already…!? "Fuck!"

His form burns with some kinda blue aura, his jacket flappin' around! "You're- so fuckin' slow, cow cock."

"You're- a scrawny weakling." Orato heaved!

"We both already know- who the badass in town is!" Kugo turns to Orato instead of me…! "It's me!"

"It's me~..." Orato practically breathes.

Lookin' at me, then behind me, Orato grins. "Mirror, mirror… on the wall."

...Oh, there's some dumb mirror prop that just happened to be up here beforehand behind me. It was behind the chick playing piano, but she and the piano took off!

"Tell me now! Who's-"

"The baddest cat in town?" Kugo interjects over 'em! "Shut up with that gay opera shit. No one's watching, fuckhead."

"You can kiss my ass."

"You can suck my balls!"

I like how they're more likely to kill each other than me at this point.

Ohp. I hear someone's footsteps on the stage behind me. Pursin' my lips, I twist to face 'em!

Oh. Oh. Oh, fuck. What the fuck.

With an icy, neutral expression, Maribel just appears from behind the stage curtains.

Seein' her, Kugo frowns even harder. "What're you doin' here, punk? Scram."

Maribel smiles, but it doesn't reach her eyes. "...I'm the new owner. Did you not read the memo that was sent out?"

...Kugo's exhausted leer falters. He looks at Orato.

Orato sighs. "Dumbass."

"Oh." Kugo nods. "Shit."

"I'm afraid this stage is reserved for scheduled performances." Maribel gives a numb nod. "All three of you will have to leave the stage."

...Kugo leers again. "Y'know. You look like a little piece a' work yourself. We don't gotta be all business about-"

vhir. The space before Maribel seemingly ripples for a moment.

Kugo is sent across the entire club.

KRAK- BOOM! He meets the wall above the front door so hard that the front door is jostled open, and the wall cracks.

...Ooh- woah. That air's fucking cold. Did she like- gap in air from somewhere…!?

Orato shivers. "Oo-..." Blinking, he looks back at where Kugo went…!

Merry looks at him.

Orato just skydives off the stage backwards…!

THUD! He hit the ground really hard!

Next, Merry twists ta face me.

"What the heck's this freakin' TF2 server y'got goin' on in here…!?" I hold my arms out! "It feels somehow more demented than the village usually does, an' that's an accomplishment!"

"I don't believe you have a membership." Merry smiles more genuinely…? "I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

...I put my arms up! "Yo- fine by me! I was just seein' myself out as it was, yo." I definitely was not going to juggle Kugo into a corner with explosive rounds for a perhaps longer period of time than might have been necessary…!

"If you don't leave, I'm going to have to take compensation." Merry, uh… "You have five minutes."

I snort. "Way to treat a dude y'almost murdered."

She shrugged. "I think you'll like what I have in mind." That absolutely level tone of voice doesn't imply that I will!

Well, she doesn't know about the snacks I stole, so I'm basically scott-free!

Gettin' on off the stage, I mosey on over to the~... front door. And, uh…

Oh. Wait-... what? Oh. The front door's gone. What the fuck. There's like- the door's there, but the wall behind it is the exact same as the interior of the club!

I turn around, and Merry's just standing on the stage, watching me.

"Hh-... hu~..." Kugo emits dead noises from the floor, slowly rejuvenating…! "He- hehe…" Well, I'm glad he's having fun, dude.

...Wait. I have an idea.

I mosey past a buncha booths, and head over to the bar counter in the back-left of the club, from the entrance.

Eire is there, watching the strangeness with a pensive gaze. She notices me near, and looks questioning!

"Here go cum." Yeah dude!

"What?" She blinks!

"I have decided you are completely right and I want to date you. Let's go on that date outside of the front door." Can you open the front door?

...She doesn't look that fickle, though! After rolling her eyes, she stands up. "I may have turned you down earlier… but, on account of your peculiar nature… I may give you a chance yet. My price hasn't changed."

Feeling at herself, she makes sure she has her purse, before movin'. "Let's go. What's your name?"

"John Turok, space marine." I reach into my bag, and flash her a uuuh… oh. I flash her a picture of Reimu's mom while she's asleep printed out on an eight-by-eleven sheet of computer paper. I meant to show her a badge, but that works too!

"...I- I see." I'm not sure she caught that! "John, huh…"

She starts ta move. My god that ass. I need to get Genkan this dress. "Let's get moving then, John."

So I follow her on over to the front door, and uh, low and behold…!

"Wh-... what?" Eire beholds the complete absence of a front door! "The door-... is gone."

"I feel like this is like- a Better Business Bureau violation!" Merry, your customers are scared and confused because your property cannot be entered or left…!

"A what?" Eire gives me a strange look! "Look- I'm all into… weird men, but I can't, you know, date weird men, if you know what I'm saying…"

Oh, so you're saying you're weak. "We're breaking up." I decide abruptly, because she could not find the front door! "I'm gonna go get annihilatio." Yeehaw!

Wh- ohp- shit, I dropped that picture of Reimu's mom that I was still holding!

It flutters around, before sliding right up ta Kugo's face while he takes a cat nap on the floor. "Wh- auh…" He's spooked by it briefly, fer no reason!

But then he like, looks at it. "...Ho- holy shit that's hot."

Bendin' down, I yoink the page back. He tries to scramble fer it- but I pull it back too quickly! "Finder's keepers, son!"

"You- fuckin'... hnngh!" Kugo is dead, dude.

"What- do you mean we're breaking up? Hey- John! John!" Eire tries to call out for me as I just go to the center stage!

Climbing back- up onto the stage, I stand before Merry, and exhale. Man- I'm winded climbin' up one freakin' platform…!

"Do you give up?" Merry smiles wider!

"No!" I yell at her! "I'm tellin' ya- I'm John Turok, space marine!"

Wielding Red Scare and the Bawmber again, I kneel down… an' flick my gravity boots on. Aw, dude.

Alright, so… first- oh god I'm ascending!

I bob into the air off the stage- but because it's such a steep decline, I descend gently almost to ground level.

While I'm down here, I pivot around-

KABOOM! -and smack the shit outta the stage proper! As such, my bomb hanger explodes!

"Gkha- ooo~!" Fuuuhuck man I forgot how much exploding yourself hurt! God- it's like getting punched across your entire body…!

Soaring off the floor, increased by my anti-grav buoyancy- oh shit!

CLANK! Twistin' mid-air, I hit my boots against the rail of an upper level- and bounce right off- man my legs hurt now fuck…

Rolling through the air off the rebound, I- somehow end up upright again.

Jump! I jump again- and jump again in midair- off the force of my first ascent- oh shit…

CRA~CK! Shutting my eyes, bracing my head with my arms, I crash through Golden Grin's skylight…!

"Yeehahaha~w!" Spinnin' around, I, wait, wait I gotta get horizontal speed!

FWOOM! Shootin' the flamethrower bit a' Red Scare, I- oh god it's Gmod prop time fuck uouououou-

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: GENKAN'S PERSPECTIVE ====

I stand in the middle of the village's northern road, holding two cones. I should have asked Brad what his favorite flavor was.

Above that, I should have told him not to wander too far off.

"Um…" Maria has already finished her cone. "Maybe he got lost." The first thing she says in ten minutes, and it's that?

"That much was obvious, yes." ...I may have said that a bit too harshly. I'm just worried.

Maria chuckles it off. "Wheh- well, I guess, yeah."

"I know where he is!" Oh, right. Hana is with us. She'll know what to do.

"I'm eternally grateful you're capable of this, however you do it. Where is he?"

Hana points in a direction. "Thatta way!"

...Well. It's… a start.

"We really shoulda asked Hana sooner…" Maria figured. "I kinda assumed you weren't that worried."

"I worry easy." It's practically part of being a snow woman. "...Do you think he's in the Golden Grin?"

Maria exhaled. "No way. There's no way he'd go in there to find snacks. But, he did go in the complete opposite direction of the… gas station thing I thought he'd go to."

As always, if he's somehow grievously injured, I'm ready to murder more than a few people to get him out of that situation. As well as him, maybe, for putting himself in such a stupid position.

"Maybe he has a bad sense of time." Maria also supposes.

I just give her a brief look. She snorts and grins. "Ye- yeah, it's kind of a given isn't it…?"

"Let's look for him." I clarify the objective, and begin to glide- before remembering we're in the village, so I descend into a-... brisk jog, yes.

crack! Then, the distinct shattering of glass in the distance.

"Yeehahaha~w!" That's Brad. That is unmistakably Brad.

fwish- fwish- fwish- fwish! Hissing noises, like that of leaking air, are heard somewhere distant. Yet, it's loud.

"Woah- ouh- ouh- ouh!" What- whatever's going on, there's no way Brad isn't in trouble-... oh.

Looking up, I see Brad spiral through the air, spinning around, taking off from the rooftop of the Golden Grin, a jet of fire tossing him around wildly.

"I left him alone for thirty minutes." I affirm the context.

"Wo~w…" Maria's mildly impressed. "How'd he even get up there so fast…? Like- to get on the top floor of that building and then get in trouble?"

"Ooh…!" Hana's excited. "He's goin'!" He sure is.

fwoosh. Oh. The flame hanger fell from Brad's hands, and descended into the village below.

"Wahahaa~!" Flailing his limbs, Brad fell, again. He's been doing a lot of falling today. "Ooh-... oh shit! Ooh-"

As he nears the Earth, his momentum deprecates into the vicious cycle of doing an eternal forward flip that traps him in place forever. "Wh- aa- aa- aa- aa- aa…!"

I drift up while he's stuck. While he's trapped in limbo, I twist to look at Maria. Take it in, Maria.

Maria is undeniably amused by the contrast of me drifting here peacefully, and Brad-... doing that.

Well, everything must come to an end.

I grab Brad from his perpetual motion machine. "Wh- aah…" He's very dizzy. Once he realizes who's gotten a hold of him, he goes completely lax, secure in my arms. "Whu- huhuhu… oou…"

"Bra~d." ...Undeniably, his dizzy, vulnerable demeanor tempts me to bully him and be naughty, but… that would be unbecoming of me. "What did you do?"

"I-..." Brad's still finding his balance. "I- found tha' snacks!"

"I hope it wasn't extraordinarily perilous." I say, knowing. "...Was it?"

...Brad beams. "Wh- well, yes, actually, it was like ten- no like, a hundred times more shitty an' deadly than gettin' snacks should be! Also- vaguely homoerotic!"

For some reason, when Brad's on his own, his propensity for stumbling into the absolute most horrible, unbelievable situations is exponentiated. Or so it feels, at least.

"That's Golden Grin for you…" Maria supposed. "Ha- how was it-... ho- homoerotic?"

...Brad gave her a look. A look that implied she really didn't want to know. A look that implies the truth is strangely horrible.

"Gay super flying cowboy mode." He utters the phrase in a completely level tone.

...Maria nods and shakes her head at the same time. "Wh- whah…?"

"It was like the Mexican Mission stage from Timesplitters 2 arcade, except with bisexual cowboys, very busy fluffles, and twin devastators…!"

He sits up in my arms. "Oo- oh shit, where'd Flame Br- Salv- Red Scare go…?" Did he just get his strange weapon names mixed up?

...Oh. Oh. There's a small fire in the road ahead of us. I hadn't even noticed…

"Oh- shit!" Brad beamed at the small destruction. "We need the-... the Genkan City fire department!"

...Wait, hold on. "Genkan City…?"

Brad takes pause, before giving me a warm smile. "Welcome to Genkan City."

...Huh.

"Genkan City." I echo again.

Brad hugs me suddenly, still in my arms. "Yeah, dude." Um.

"Aw, right!" Brad suddenly has an idea, and opens his bag before me.

A fluffle emerges, and the bag falls around it to reveal it. "little kugle!"

"I found a krooger." Brad aims the fluffle at me. "...Isn't it so freakin' snug dude…!?"

"A- krooger…" I- I can't place why, but 'krooger' is… a strange word.

"Did you at least find the snacks?" Maria gets down to the business. Admittedly, a good point.

"Ohp- yeah, I found a fuckton. Ton of fuck. A lot, I mean!" Oh. Wait- how…?

Maria's taken somewhat off-guard too. "How…?"

Brad beams. "I stoles 'em! Drove one hundred miles behind enemy lines, weaved through their staff rooms, an' I found…"

Pushing the fluffle back into the bag, Brad grasps something that's apparently really heavy. "Hoh- shit…"

Bracing his teeth, his small butt pushing against my arms as he pulls, he draws the weary straw handle of a huge basket from the inside. "The- Christmas Stash…!"

Maria pursed her lips. "You know… wasn't the mansion having an after-party for Christmas day?"

Was it? It may have. I somewhat appreciate our more-alone time. I can't outright call it 'alone time' because we're not really alone are we?

"Oh- right!" Brad perked up at that. "Yeah, I think so! Didn't necessarily mean we had ta stick around though…! And, man…"

Then, Brad took a sudden pause. "Golden Grin dudes work on fuckin' Christmas? They- compete for promotions, on Christmas…!?"

...Maria starts to beam. "It- it never really said it was a good place. That, and… I mean… I'm not sure if they believe that much in Christmas over there."

Brad chuckles and speaks at the same time, as he's somewhat known to do. "They believed enough to get their ladies a basket full a' junk food and perfume!"

...Oh, right.

I look in the air to my right. The snowcones I obtained are here, floating in the air.

Setting Brad on his feet, letting him find his balance, I take the ice cream. "Brad. Here."

"Ooh… aw, yeah!" Brad beams, and takes the one I hand him. "Vanilla, huh?"

"I didn't know what flavor to get you. So…" I went for a safe option. If you really love my skin so much, you should love a pale cone too. Not that I taste like vanilla, but-... nevermind. Another thought for the list of thoughts I'm glad I didn't vocalize.

"Aah... I'm fine wit' anything." Brad's answer is really about as expected. "Except fer dark chocolate! Shit gives me the runs…!" I'm not going to ask.

"...That- really fits, for some reason." Maria sees something in that statement that I don't.

Brad snorts. "Do- does it…?"

"Dark chocolates are a sorta wealthy luxury." Oh. Maria would know about that sort of thing. "Only the rich people here in the village really eat it. It's like so, because it's not made with any milk solids. Unlike, you know, milk chocolate."

"Aw, yeah!" Brad seems to like that idea. "I'm gonna tell people that's why from now on!" Then, he double-takes. "When'd I become robinhood…!?"

"The moment you stole a casino's Christmas snack spu-... a- a casino's Christmas snack surplus." Maria contested. That's quite a tongue twister. "...Um. Genkan… are we heading back to your home?"

So soon? ...Hmm. If this was a week ago, I'd perhaps be saying 'about time'. But…

"Not just yet." I decide. "After we finish our ice cream… well. I'm kind of interested in what else this village actually offers for leisure."

"We oughta dig a hole." Brad has a bad idea.

That's when Hana dips out of the stratosphere, hovering down before us, looking surreal before all the villagers. "We oughta lay an egg!"

"What…?" Maria looks offended without trying. "No…"

...Brad doesn't elaborate. When we all pause, he just starts eating his ice cream, and I start eating mine.

I love this feeling. Of just… being present, among the piercing sun of frozen Gensokyo, under this pale blue sky. Sometimes, with the barren nature of the winter forests, the snow fields, and this dirt pit called a village… it makes the sky feel frozen too.

Fleeting, fickle stillness. An airy sky, distant and chilled but with a tint of warmth in the aether, just to frame- and contextualize- how cold the land around us really is.

...I want to feel cold more often. Not how I feel normally, but… with the kimono Brad gave me on. I want to find a way to feel like that without risking my body's internal balance.

There's something beautiful and right about it... while at the same time it's not, and it's painful. Despite it feeling wrong, it also feels… right. I can't describe it well. But, it's… cold. In a way, it feels like… part of me. Yet, it also hurts me.

That hue of warmth in the distant atmosphere does invoke one more important feeling, however.

I hug onto Brad with one arm. It makes me feel outrageously cozy.

Brad smiles in mild surprise. He's not used to being touched, at all. Even now. But, I think he likes it. As in, he likes being surprised in this way. "Ooh…" When I don't do anything more than hug him a little, he makes a generic noise.

Mmm… "I love you."

Maria snorts. "Love's kinda weird. Isn't it…? As in, like… it feels like it just kinda happens."

It's admittedly very animalistic. When I examine my feelings and pleasure closely… well, even if they feel good, they're not exactly entirely logical. It's to my credit, however, that Brad at least makes a loving partner. He cares a lot.

"I love ya too." Brad squeezes me back with one arm, as best as he can.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO: BRAD'S PERSPECTIVE ====

Crunch. I have consumed cone.

We're standin' somewhere in-bounds a' the village square, takin' in the mild… strangeness of the Human Village.

Y'got boys in suits walkin' around, the guards doin' laps… and people are very conservatively visitin' the shops… it's strange!

"I think the town's still reeling from the past couple days…" Maria contextualizes the chaos!

"As it should." Genkan is quite spiteful to the town's existence! "This hunt for youkai condemns more lives than it sets out to save." Hoh, shit…!

Man. Hangin' out with Genkan and Maria after spending thirty minutes with Bruno and Assfucker in the Golden Grin is really jarring! Just, so many really fake people there, and like… Kugo's so weird! That was all some weird shit!

"Honestly, this doesn't compare to inside the Grin…!" I have to add, now that we're thinkin' about the town! "Place was like a brothel, lowkey! 'Cept weirder!"

Genkan snorts. "At least brothels have the dignity to deem themselves such. A casino and bar operating so deceptively irks me. Not that I care for that… genre of business, either."

Aw, dude. Monks.

When the buddhist randos pass by me, I make a noise! "If you give me a fluffle, I'll give you a nickel."

...This dude with a monkey tail pauses, turnin' to me!

"I'll call it a fluffernickel." I'm friendly and sociable, dude.

"Uh- yeah, hey…" I like how he had no idea what I opened with. "Fuck it's so cold…" Hol' up I thought buddhists couldn't swear…!

I take pause to check with my rules lawyers. "Can buddhists swear…?"

Genkan shrugs. Maria hums in uncertainty!

...I look at him! "Can buddhists-"

"Who cares? It's so cold!" Squatting down, he recedes into his monk robes! "Nnngh…!"

"Welcome to the ice biome." Unfortunately for you, my party is all out of the 'being cold' disease. "You should, like, tape fluffles to your skin." Didn't I do that, once…!? Aa- and not even to stay warm!

Still trapped inside his own robe thing, the monkey dude just hops along as a crouched lump, probably spending more heat than he was saving by doing so!

"Junnosuke." This huge dude with an actual cat head picks the monkey dude. "Stop."

"Awh, screw off…"

"Actually- hey. Why's the circus in town!?" Wasn't this all Miko's dig now? Unless she's suddenly super dead all a' sudden?

"Oh…" Takin' pause, that 'Junnosuke' guy looked at me. "The taoists- uuh… they kinda dialed back a lot of their control over the place, the past few days. Their leader said they were open to sharing some things again. I dunno who we're to thank for that, but…"

The Action 52 cat guy behind him speaks! Wonder if him and Kugo are related in some way. "We are probably to thank the Hakurei. It is undeniable that she would detest such heavy-handed interaction with the village. It is already well known what its place is- and 'property' of anyone but humans is not it."

...I give Genkan a big smile for no exact good reason!

"I suppose disrupting a social revolution is just as good…" She mumbles a little, evoked to do so by my stare!

Oh- right. This is literally all because we party-wiped Miko with an all-out come-from-behind sneak attack…!

...That Junnosuke dude decides just now to actually examine my party! "So- uh, what're you guys doin' out here?"

"We're peaceful." Genkan provides all that needs to be said!

We all look gentle and appreciative of life, dude.

"...I, uh, I see." Junnosuke kinda backs away…!

Aw, hey, it's Nazrin. Nazrin suddenly bolts up to us, and I suddenly realize we never really talked a lot!

"What's got you guys held up…?" She darts up to the other, way taller monk people, before lookin' over at us. "Oh. It's you people. Hey Brad."

Da- did we even talk that much? I feel like we talked so little, she pro'lly knows who I am from word a' mouth alone. "Hello Nazrin from the Touhou Project."

"...Huh? Whatever." Nazrin doesn't care that much! Oh- wait, right! We did meet up for that capybara brigade thing, back when the fairies were going ape shit! "Actually…"

Oh, man, that was a while ago. Wait, I gotta interject. "Were you at the Christmas party…?"

...Nazrin takes pause! "Well, uh, for a little while. We're not really Christian, but the spirit of a party's pretty good anyway. That, and, it's not really like us to turn down just the idea of a party on religious stuff."

Her nose wiggles a bit. "But we had to pull out early so we could get ready for today."

Aw. "Ooh- s'this like, the buddhist takeover?" ...Can buddhists take anything over, is the question? Do they like- do it passively? Do they occupy cities with their minds?

"Yeah, actually!" Nazrin beams! "Basically. Personally, I think we'll be very well received compared to the taoists. If anything, the status quo is far more in our favor. They wanted all-out anti-youkai reforms… which is really transparently hypocritical, considering, nnh…"

Yeah, buddhism's all about not blowing shit up. I dunno what taoism is like, but Miko and Futo seemed really gung-ho about the whole pillage and plunder part of the deal…!

"Anyway- I didn't come here to make small talk!" Nazrin fluffs up! "I found this awesome treasure! But I can't pull it myself. And I'm not gonna ask Byakuren to set aside time for it, 'cause like… that wouldn't be a gift anymore, would it? I'm planning to give it to her or Shou as a… not a Christmas present, but as a nice thing. Something for the armory."

Hoh! "Y'can't pull it? Are- are you and yer mice not strong enough?"

Nazrin gives me a level look! "It's got a magic binding. It's not a contest of just physical strength. You have to take a trial- where you fight the weapon's original wielder."

She brings her arms behind her head, closin' her eyes. "I couldn't do it. It really su~cks…"

Then, she points at me! "That's where you and your-... people come in! What are you, a squad? A small militia? Mercenaries?"

Maria lights up! "Mercenaries…"

Before any of us can counter her splendor, Nazrin smiles and nods! "Mercenaries it is. Anyway- I forgot to add that this is where you'd come in, hopefully. Implying any of you are strong enough."

"I don't know. I think we're decently strong." Genkan spells our doom. "Will this be dangerous?"

"Aah…? Well, actually no." Nazrin shook her head! "I'm not that big of a jerk, to throw unaffiliated people at trapped treasure just to die. The battle happens in the mind, but takes your physical inhibitions into account. So it's a real battle, it's just not… real. Y'follow?"

...I~ don't like where this is going! "Is- is the weapon a gohei?"

Nazrin gives me a 'are you fookin' stoopid' kinda look! "Mmh… no? Gohei aren't weapons. They sure ain't treasure either." Pft. "It's a sword. A katana, if y'needed to-... if it wasn't obvious."

Okay, so we're not fighting Reimu's mom! I~ dunno if I'd do better now, but something tells me she is immune to all the cheesy debuffs as a secret boss really should be.

"I got a portal-thing set up. The ruin the blade is in is like, underground." Nazrin starts ta move, dude. "C'mon."

As we all start ta hustle, Junnosuke snorts. "So much for peace-loving…"

...And then Genkan clarifies as we're moving! "We may be peaceful, but we still maintain the capacity to be particularly violent."

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Apparently Nazrin just- had a fookin'... a door set up in the middle of some alley nearby, and the door led to some other ill-fitting door she set up in the ruin.

Our context… is that this is some ruin beneath the Human Village. Not just the one where we found that snug wind fairy girl- where'd she even go- but like, deeper. Way deeper!

Far beyond where the sun can possibly shine, wedged between plates of rock and weird broken architecture, we are… down here!

This room is made of both wood and stone, in weird harmony. Or, it would be harmonious, if most of it wasn't kerscrunched and kablownksch'd by the surrounding geo-... I don't wanna call these tectonic plate walls, but these must be some pretty incomprehensibly huge rocks!

"Um…" Genkan fidgets weirdly when she's in here with the rest 'a us. "This-..."

In the center of the room rests a stone tomb. The lid is bound- or maybe protected by- a series of chains. Some chains are linked to passages erased by stone and rock, others linked to more orderly stone columns housed inside this room.

It's all very shrine-like. It kinda reminds me of the underground part to the Hakurei Shrine.

An' finally, the shiny object we came to plunder! In the midst of the tomb's lid, a sword laid hilted.

The katana's hilt illuminated with spectral luminescence. The blade itself, a reflection of the cosmic scale around us, shining with constantly-zooming starlight, as if the blade itself was in a constant state of FTL-jumpin' the fuck outta here.

"I see why y'want that sword!" That's cool as fuck!

On the chains all around the room, many red-white ofuda glow dimly. They're kinda ominous…!

"Alright- so!" Nazrin turns to us all, and calls out! "Hey- you!"

Ha-chan stops, about to touch one of the ofuda hanging from the chains…!

"Touch that and get blown up." Nazrin shakes one of her dowsin' rods at Ha-chan! "Goes for all of you, even the humans. They just stop you from openin' the lid top. Which we don't need to do, so let's not do that. Never seen any seals like these before, and to be honest, I don't really care to figure 'em out."

"We shouldn't be here." Genkan's superboss radar goes off…! "The holy energy radiating from this room…"

"Basically, all four a' you's just gonna lay your hands on the sword at the same time." Nazrin tells us this like it's gonna be no sweat! "You'll get sent to this sunny place. Kinda warm too. You beat up the guardian, the sword's as good as ours. You're all gonna get paid big time, me and Byak'll make sure of it."

...She scratches her cheek. "If you win. If you don't, I'm kickin' you out to find someone else who can. You can try again later though, if you think you're onto something."

"Ooh, don't worry." I give 'er a beaming leer dude, hooh hooh hoo- "I'm here to kick ass an' eat ass, an' we're all outta ass…!"

Looking oppressed, Genkan slowly nears the katana, as me and Ha-chan and Maria kinda just meander up to it…!

"Alright, so." I rub my hands together. "Game plan: we beat the shit outta 'em!"

Genkan gives me a flat look! "If that doesn't work…?"

I punch my fist inta my hand! "We beat the everlovin' shit outta 'em!"

"We'll see how bad it is when we get there…" Maria says, like she don't see all these spooky ofuda and chains hung up all over the freakin' place!

Ohp- Maria grips it.

Me and Genkan grip it. Ha-chan grabs it with both hands!

And- wuuaaoh- woahoahoah dude!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

It takes my vision a moment ta become clear, and center, and all that stuff…

Ooh. My outfit's defaulted to like- my blue sweatpants and my blue shirt.

Fwi- Click! Yeah- out the fuckin' window wit' that. I change back into my camou-kimono and my roman emperor wreath crown thing immediately!

We're, uh… huh.

We're inside some kind of… grassy courtyard. Boxed in by houses, of some kind.

Before us, there's a massive hill, and a huge stone staircase, leadin' on up to… ooh. Oh.

There is a massive, Hakurei Shrine-styled castle atop the hill ahead. Holy fuck. That's so fucking big…! That's like a hundred times the shrine's size!

Genkan's back in her regular kimono. "Um…" She looks down at her boobs! "Why am I in this…?"

Maria's back in her default villager garb…! "Mmn…"

Nazrin was right, the place is really sunny. Fierce, orange, sunset-like sunlight pierces down from seemingly all angles. Wait… oh. It's from ahead.

The sun's rising, and it's behind the Hakurei… castle. Which is weird, 'cause that'd mean it's rising from the south, but whatever it looks cool! We're in the assfuck dimension, no one cares…!

I look behind us. Past a torii gate, there's an open dirt road. Wait… s'that the path before the Hakurei Shrine? Where'd all these buildings go- in the like, undefined amount of time ago this might've been?

"...I feel like my fears are being confirmed." Genkan takes note, as she scans our surroundings! "This feels bad. This feels really bad."

"Nnhm…" Maria makes a cute noise for some reason. "Relax, Genkan. Even if this goes bad, we'll be fine."

"Can we feel pain?" Genkan wonders! She comes up to me-

"...Ow." She pinches me on the cheek really fucking hard ow- ow- I bat her arm away! "Ow…!"

"Yes." Genkan confirms! "We can feel pain."

Ha-chan looks absolutely shell-shocked by the amount of color that's around us. "It's-... so pretty…"

I start movin' for the stairs!

There's a whole like, six torii over the stairs. Jesus! Actually- s'it like, summer in this dimension for no reason? Spring? ...I can't feel a difference between having my kimono on or off, so I guess it's just… the none temperature. Probably a flat fifty or sixty fahrenheit!

What's the plural of torii? Torii? Toriis…?

Also, I think we're going to lose just because the climb up the stairs is absolutely kicking our asses.

Specifically: mine and Maria's! "Huff-... nnh-..." Maria's really gettin' a workout!

The steps are so big I can only step up one at a time…! "Yeah- tell me 'bout it…!"

"The worst-" Maria swallows- "the worst part is- this is all in our heads-... so we aren't even actually getting exercise…"

Oh shit- she's right, this sucks!

"Genkan- we've been defeated." I start ta hunch, and we're not even halfway up the stairs…! "We're bein' routed…!"

Fwash. Genkan shoots a generic glob of ice magic at me.

Fwish- fwoash! Oh- right! Ooh! I'm healed! "Hoh- shit!"

"Hana, help…" Maria doesn't wanna walk the whole way! Wait- shit, we're all supremely retarded.

"Yo- Genkan!" I hold my arms out! "Turn me inta Jesus!"

"...What?" Genkan moves to pick me up, despite not understanding me at all! "Sure." Aw, yes dude!

Ooh- man, we're movin' now. Oh, here we go…!

We reach the top. The front door to the Hakurei Castle. It's a huge double-door, because of course it is.

After dropping me off, Genkan glides up to it-

BOOM! -and puts unnecessary force into kickin' it open!

...At our stares, she gives us a smile! "I've wanted to kick a door for awhile now. It's just not proper to do normally."

Movin' past her, I run on into the main room- this is completely a superboss arena.

Y'can't convince me otherwise! It's a bonus boss arena!

Ahead of us, someone in armor sits at a massive throne. Two huge windows behind them allow the setting sun to pierce the entire room, only them exempt from its completely freakin'... obnoxious glare…!

She has long black hair. Her eyes're shut, and she's got a long red ribbon cloth coverin' one side of her body, fer some reason. It's so long it goes way off the throne, stretching to the side somewhere.

Ooh. That katana…! It's the one we're here for! It's hilted in the floor next to the throne she's on.

...Well. Hello, friend. We're here to mingle, dude…

After like a minute or two of staring at her, Genkan turns to me! "Do we- say anything…?"

I must give a battle cry. It's the only way, dude.

Drawin' Fallen Comrade- I hoist it overhead- even though it's slightly too heavy!

"I haa~ve… a plant hanger- that shoots laser bea~ms!" Yeaa~h! Be aware, and be scared!

...Ooh! The woman's eyes open! Ooh- that's a glare alright…!

I march forward, holding the hanger man's hammer. Or rather- I hold the hanger like it's a big hammer!

Eventually, I get like… close-ish, actually!

Leaning forward, I purse my lips. "Can we have your sword…!?"

...Oh- oh wow. Genkan and Maria are in random places behind me! Genkan's closest, but really compact, and Maria's all the way at the entrance!

After scannin' her gaze around, the black-haired lady frowns. An' hard. She frowns real hard. Uh oh.

"I hadn't realized I had company." Her speech is very articulated, and also… "You are all so weak, I hadn't even felt you approach."

...Aw- dude. Maria's fluffle backup has activated! Looking to my left, I see a fluffle here now!

Picking it up, I fold it into a loaf. "Dude. You ain't you when you're hungry. Have a fluffle."

Coming up to her, I hold the fluffle close to her face.

...That glare just keeps gettin' icier and icier!

"Give it a sniff." I suggest, helpfully. "You can make pudding, out of a fluffle."

...She just twists her head to glare at me. Just- no reaction, just glares at me!

I poke the loaf's forehead against her lips.

Ohp- she raised her arm- took it, and-

poof. Oh no. She crushed it into nothing at all with a single grip…! Which- I think even I could do- but still!

Ohp- ooh. She stands up. Oh my god she's tall. I think her armor adds height onto her boots or something- because she's taller than me when she stands…!

Also, yeah, she is decked out. Full armor except for the head, holy shit.

Centering her gaze on me, she sneers. "You are disgusting."

Aahw, shit. "Y'see- I figured someone would notice when we haven't bathed in like two days! Somehow!"

Genkan blinks! "...Is- is that strange?" Oh, right, her cave pro'lly doesn't have running water. Wait- yuki-onna don't even have to bathe as often!

"Not that." The big woman practically spat at me. "You."

...I feel at me! "Me?"

"Western scum." She bares her teeth! "You come up to me, youkai and magician filth in your path… dressed as a clown. You ask me for my blade, in the ignorantly disrespectful attitude the west is known to exude… and in the face of all of that, you remain so blind?"

Yo- hol' up! "If I'm a clown, what's that big funny rag doin' stapled to yer armor…!?"

...She looks down at the large, red ribbon strand hangin' over where her right arm should be.

FWOOF. Reaching for it, she casts it aside in one motion. Whu-... oh.

There's-... no arm. Oh man, that's weird to look at. She only has her left arm. There is no right arm.

"Does this answer your question?" She does not like me! "...I see you about to laugh. Go ahead. You find my existence pathetic."

"Woah- that ain't it…!" Holy shit she's aggressive…! Dude- I'm meetin' evil people today! "What if I wanted ta be nice…!? S'that an option!? Yo- uh…" What would she like…?

I reach inta my bag. Uuh…! Freakin'- it's Christmas day and I don't even got anything to give her!

...I take out Akihito's broadsword! "How's this…!?"

She takes the sword from my hands.

CRACK. Oh.

She hands it back to me after snapping it in two like it was a fuckin' pretzel stick. ...I grin! "Wha- what was wrong with it? Too grey? Too lame…!?"

"It's symbolic." She announces! "You'd much rather I use a sword like that, didn't you?"

...I hold my arms out! What do I say, dude!?

"Brad's just trying to be nice." Genkan interjects to save the day! "If he's offending you, he sure doesn't know why." I'm not sure if that's a good or a bad thing…!

"Exactly my point." Big lady decides: it is a bad thing! "Westerners are simply like this. Destructive, ignorant, disrespectful. To know his kind even walk Gensokyo- even better, among youkai- is-... is grotesque."

...Genkan smiles skeptically! "Re- really…?"

Big lady moves over to her throne, and-

SHINK. Ooh. She unhilts her sword from the wood easily. Woah no…

"Who are you?" Maria's close now, staff held defensively!

...Big lady takes pause, and twists around to face us again.

"I am Kiyoko Hakurei." She takes a big breath. "Founder of the Hakurei Barrier. Empress of Gensokyo. Hakurei Shrine maiden, and seeker of light. I am the defender of humanity. I am the slayer of youkai."

She examines her katana, holdin' it up and letting herself gaze upon the prismatic hilt. "I tell you solely so you may remind this world of my existence. Though," she glares at us again! "The group of rats you are, I wouldn't be surprised if none of you knew anything. Anything about anything, even."

"What's yer deal wit' westerners…!?" This is like, the first time anyone's ever had a problem wit' that!

Ohp- oh shit, she starts to walk at us menacingly…! We all start backing up!

"My deal?" Kiyoko's face twists in-... well, disgust. "You want to know, what my 'deal' is?"

I hold my arms out! "S'it too much to ask…!?"

"Is it too much to ask, for you to not slur and blend your words?" Kiyoko counters! "Is it too much to ask, for you to, maybe once in your life of blissful-... stupidity, realize that the problem lies on your shoulders? That it maybe isn't my 'deal' that's the problem? Perhaps it's your 'deal'. Moron."

"I- I really-..." Maria swallows! "I really don't get what you're talking about! I'm sorry…!"

...Kiyoko tilts her head back, as if recognizin' something.

"We may come off as fools, but we're at least nice if you give us the chance." Genkan counters! "We, if nothing else, mean well."

"Hu- hah…?" Kiyoko acts like this is the richest shit…! "To hear words like that from a youkai's mouth…" Oh boy, here we go, this is how it's gonna be is it…!?

"Humans who hail from the west are scum. Plain, and simple." Kiyoko reaffirms the premise! "But few have I ever seen that were as disgusting and reprehensible as this man here." She points at me, wit' her glowy star katana!

I wave my arms around! "Wh- I was only sniffing fluffles for a little bit, okay…!?" I make myself even smaller to punctuate the 'little bit' part…!

"Brad isn't disgusting." Genkan counters! "I love him."

...Kiyoko just stops. Her eyes widen, as if she's beheld the meme bin of legends.

"You two-..." Kiyoko experiences some level of horror!

"We have had much very sex, yes." I just wanna see how she reacts…! "Y'know- boom boom from the back…!"

...Kiyoko looks around, almost in a 'get a load a' this dude' sorta way, before chuckling. "Nh- hehe…"

She shakes her head. "I'm not even sure what manner of symbol this is anymore. You are… nearly without contest, the worst human being to ever live on the planet Earth."

Oh no. "Even worse than rapists…!?" Kugo Koin over there comes to mind…! Wait, he ain't human is he-

"Even a rapist has a prior role in society, and operates on the balance of power." Kiyoko decides. Jesus! "You? Your only place is to be purged from my land. I-..." She sighs. "I well and truly hate you."

"You've known him for one minute…" Genkan echoes the obvious!

"Exactly!" Kiyoko doubles-down! "There is no hate more punctual, nor profound. Brad, was it?" She utters the name like it's funny! "Brad."

"Hi I'm Brad from the Freakin Gen-"

"When we're done here… and I've killed you here…" Kiyoko holds my gaze as firmly as she can. "I want you to kill yourself." Pft- hehaha…!

"What'd I do…!?" She's so angry!

"Stop laughing. This isn't a joke. I'm not trying to be funny." Kiyoko has this look to her eyes. "I mean it. You were born to be nothing. Everyone would be better off if you were dead. Just die. Just die."

"...I mean-..." I like how Genkan feels super casual by comparison! "I wouldn't be…"

Kiyoko looks like she's 'bouta get a headache! "Your opinion doesn't matter, youkai. All of you are supposed to be dead. If my lineage had succeeded in the path of my triumphs, not a single one of you would stand here today. You should have never been born."

...Maria purses her lips. "Rude."

Kiyoko's gaze goes flat, paused but also amused by Maria's interjection. She's so freakin' salty for no reason!

"Brad." Kiyoko centers on me again! "You want to know why? Why I hate you?"

Ooh, really. "Do tell…!"

...She just stares at me. I just stare back.

"You bleed your desires out, like ink on a page, and simply let it grow. The irreverence, the thoughtless nothing of such… dream-chasing. Like any awful westerner, but especially native to the worst.

"Like so, you introduce us to the absence of your soul. The absence of meaningful thoughts and passions in your head."

Oo- oh shit. Kiyoko's armor starts to glow…!

"This blade, has history. I have history. My clan, this land- it all has history. History which you're here to defile, defame, ignore and even, I'm sure, come to despise.

"You are worse than a rapist. You are beneath murderers. I want you, to understand- though an effort in futility- how much nothing you are."

She's-... so, so hateful. Like, holy~ crap! She's unbelievably hateful!

"I use ink to write." Kiyoko seemingly non-sequiturs! "You bleed. All you do is bleed. Pages, drenched in blood red, of careless- fucking-..."

It's like the thoughts surge through her head again and again. She's gettin' super frustrated just from-... lecturing me. I'm sure her mental images of western dudes being the devil are just playing on repeat right now, hyping her up…

"You're wrong." Genkan interjects!

Kiyoko's long face gets longer!

"Brad-... may seem irreverent. And he may seem stupid, sometimes." She holds a fist to her chest. "But-... he explores Gensokyo because he loves it. He loves the colors. He's respectful of what he does learn- but… your history, and I assume the Hakurei's history, is just… unknown, to us. We don't have a lot to know. If someone would teach us-"

"You talk too much, youkai." Kiyoko talks over her. "Give it a rest."

Genkan's expression flares! "You-... you hypocrite."

"If you won't listen to her, then listen to me!" Maria pipes up next! "Brad might be a bonehead- but he-... actually tries kinda hard to not get in people's way, when they're okay people!"

Kiyoko nods. "Oh. So you're saying he'll kill himself for me later?"

...Maria just kinda slouches, and casts her eyes up!

"You're being obtuse." Genkan interjects again!

...Kiyoko jerks her head back when she looks at me, 'cause I'm close again!

I hold a fluffle up to her. "It has an accessible forehead. Try it out, dude."

"Dirt." Kiyoko shuts her eyes! "You're holding dirt up to my face. You're holding- fucking- dirt up to my face."

...I purse my lips! "We are so culturally separated that there is literally nothing I can do to not make you seep hatred like it's radiation- so instead I'm just gonna make fun of you…!"

"Seems about right." Kiyoko totally calls that oh shit. "I hate this. Fight me already." Pft…!

"Brad tries to remain considerate." Genkan speaks louder! "He rambles- but he tries to show he thinks about the world more than as something to use. Other outsiders-... I don't speak with many- but-..."

Maria wobbles a hand around. "Eeh… give or take. It's kinda random how good of people they end up being…"

"Hearing you idiots pretend to be judges of character is wrong on too many levels to translate." Kiyoko denies us the family brain cell.

Genkan fluffs up! "But- I'm actively disproving you! You're just not listening! You go onto a new point- but you don't address anything I've said!"

"Because you're a fucking youkai, and the only thing you're out to do is eat humans." Kiyoko says like it's the most obvious thing in the world…! "So just, please, shut up and let the actual human beings do the talking."

...It's rare to see Genkan actually just be mad at someone these days! "And-... I think you're the worst kind of human."

"The kind who isn't stupid enough to be fooled? The kind who can fight back?" Kiyoko smiles. "If so, I'm proud. Not that it means much coming from you."

...Genkan turns to me. "Brad?"

"Hi." You're cute.

"We're going to hurt her." Uh oh.

Maria snorts! "What if she hurts us?"

"We're going to hurt her."

"Finally." Kiyoko steps back, and taps one of her big metal boot things on her throne, by one a' her heels. "Get on with it already."

Y'know I wonder… "How're like, we even gonna spar? If we die, should we try again!?"

"Yes." Genkan is determined! "We are going to hurt her. Sometimes, violence can only be answered with violence." Wahaha!

"Indeed." Kiyoko agrees! "Also… that's enough."

I turn to her. "What is-"

SHING! Oh.

thu- thud, thud- thud. Pi~chun!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

We march back up to the throne! Yeah- attempt number two! That's- one L, but only one! She got a cheap shot that time!

Y'see- what happened was she swung her katana once. She then proceeded to kill me, Genkan, Maria and Ha-chan in one stroke. Cut us all straight, clean in half. Literally eradicated!

"Y'know!" I speak up, as we step towards the throne! "I'm kinda glad we don't live in the same timeline! 'Cause someone like you livin' in Gensokyo right now would be kinda awkward…!"

Kiyoko's back on her throne, where we left 'er! "...Really."

Genkan tosses a loaf from far, far away, and it careens across the room, as fast as a loaf can fly.

SHING! Kiyoko's blade leaves an azure crescent in the air. The slice parts the oncoming loaf!

Fwi- Click! Drawin' the Red Scare and the Bawmber, I get ready ta cheese her out! "Watch this not work."

Genkan gives me a little look. "Why wouldn't it work?"

JRPG logic. RPG logic. Game design logic…! "It's- not gonna! I got a hunch!"

Kiyoko stands. "You feel so little shame… that you'd stand before me again? If this was Gensokyo, all your ideals and stupid thoughts would be gone. My resolve, compared to yours, is cosmic in scale."

Son- I play video games. One try, one hundred tries- there ain't really a lotta difference! …'Cept you get the brag about first tries, but that's about it!

"Do you want me to tell you? Why I hate you?" Kiyoko sounds like a broken record…!

"You've already told us." Genkan counters!

"I've only told you a few of my reasons." Kiyoko is so, so angry! "Irreverence, greed, pride, spite…"

fwoof. The ribbon thing- it's apparently just stapled ta her armor when the scenario loads- just kinda falls off, as she starts to strafe to the side.

"Brad here does not have the insight to comprehend the meaning of what he does." Kiyoko asserts! "He offers me inferiority. He asks me to surrender. Even if he's not, that still means he's beyond naive. Especially concerning you."

"You could just go on all day, couldn't you?" Genkan starts to drift forward, strafin' in the opposite direction…!

"Yes. I could." Kiyoko returns! "And I have. And I'd do it again. I'll waste my breath. I'll repeat it as many times as it needs to be heard for this world to finally get it. Not just your human pet, not just your other pet, or you. I may be dead, yet..."

Fwish. Oo- oh. She just summons her katana into her hands!

"If I can make you suffer, no matter how, then I am at least doing some good." Kiyoko resolved herself…! "Be it through the mind, or the body."

"You are sad." Genkan shoots back! "What you describe-... is just-... pathetic."

Kiyoko snorts. "You know what's really pathetic?"

Genkan purses her lips. "...Yes?"

"Living as a parasite. Subsisting off the fear and life of humans." Kiyoko smiles as wide as she possibly can…! "Killing and eating thoughtlessly, for killing's sake. Whenever I kill, even in passing, I send a message. I collect the debt you have sowed- in blood."

"You are the ones who owe my sisters a debt!" Genkan actually just- yells!

...Basically just ignorin' her, Kiyoko keeps strafin' around us. "Let's see. What else…? I don't wish to repeat myself yet."

Maria yells! "Fira!"

Fwoom! Aw! She just- shoots a fireball!

fwoof. Kiyoko flicks her sword almost absentmindedly, erasing the fireball before herself without thinking about it.

Ooh- woah. The way she did it too was freakin'... over the top! When she flicked her sword, it made a fuckin' helicopter blade motion before herself. It even blew her hair back a little…!

"This is embarrassing. My mind seems to be drawing a blank." Kiyoko looked airy, as she beheld the sunlight around me an' the girls! "Have I spoken of the ways Brad here defiles all the Hakurei stood for?"

Genkan floats into the air! "If he defiles it all just by merely existing, then perhaps the Hakurei were simply absurdly fragile."

Kiyoko's smile reaffirms itself! "...You're right. Beauty and grace are a fragile thing. So are all the important things in life. So is life itself. I've heard youkai compare the human soul to the flickering of a candle.

"I think it goes without saying, however…" Kiyoko holds an arm out, "that trash is everywhere. And, unlike the most beautiful things, trash… is hard to get rid of."

"Like you three." Kiyoko smiles wide enough to show her teeth! "I sense it. I spit on your tenacity in turn."

Genkan looks at me. I look at her!

"Might makes right." Kiyoko decides! "Come here and let me kill you. I'm sure you'll be back- and I'll kill you again."

...Ha-chan pouts! "You're being mean."

Kiyoko idly gives her a look, as if just noticing she was here! "Oh. So it can talk."

"All those- big, big thoughts-... don't seem like they mean anything!" Ha-chan's trying…!

Kiyoko seems to just tune her out immediately, not even bothering to reply. Wau.

"So, Brad…" Genkan drifts closer to me! "How… will we do this?"

I mean-... first we gotta figure out how tough she really is! Actually… wait. "Yo- Maria! Try yer time staff!" This isn't gonna work!

"Oh!" Maria perks up, remembering it exists herself! "Oo- on it!"

Kiyoko stops strafing, and just faces herself straight at all of us.

"Stop!" Now with the right staff out, Maria thrusts it into the air, and casts!

KA- KA- KLINK! ...Ohp. The prisms flared around Kiyoko, but she very obviously just- didn't stop. Like, at all. The spell just fails.

Genkan casts her arms forward-

Fwash! Cold flares up Kiyoko's armor, but obviously, the freezing doesn't even begin to take effect.

Papapapapapap! I unload both my NERF guns in her general direction!

shi- shi- shi- shing! Oo- oo- oh. Oh fuck. She spins her katana before herself helicopter-style, and it cuts every dart so fucking precisely that not a single explosion goes off.

I can't even observe the probable fact that my darts don't do anything to her because they can't even actually hit her through her passive defenses.

Then, Kiyoko's gone. Oh fuck, she can teleport like Reimu. This is bad…!

She just appears before Genkan.

"Hup- yuh!" Kiyoko strokes her katana inwards, then out wide again, changing the way she held it between cuts.

There's no tangible noise of flesh ripping, but I see Genkan just split apart within a few frames of the cuts-

"Huh- yah- hoh!" Kiyoko unleashes a cut with such force that a disc of air-slicing forms around her, and then she cuts another X through Genkan…!

PLA- PLAP- FWUUSH. Genkan becomes a pile of red and snow, and kimono fabric along the floor.

"Aa-" Maria's eyes widen, and she swallows, and basically just about falls backwards! "Ge- Genk- aa-"

Kiyoko is just before Maria, and picks her up by the head with her one hand, katana now gone.

"Eeeee~!" Ha-chan just yells, and-

Pi~chun! Oh. Kiyoko's katana went off on its own and just shot through Ha-chan's head like a bullet.

CR- CRACK! Oo- oh. Oh-

CRUNCH! Wow. Holy fuck. She just-... squeezed Maria's skull until her head came apart. Holy fuck!

thu- thud. With Maria eliminated, Kiyoko slowly turned around, a huge smile on her face.

...I just kinda drop my hangers, and put my arms on my hips! "Y'know, that wasn't very nice."

Kiyoko chuckles! "He- hehe… mmn. You still don't care? No… you wouldn't."

Then- she's coming at me the frame after I blink-

SHUNK! She shoves her katana through my chest within literally a fourth of a second…!

"I hate you." She says it ta my face, up close an' personal! "I really mean it. I take it you're a touchy, feely kind of person, perhaps? Then…"

With her katana in my chest- she grips my neck!

"I hope this feels like I hate you. Nn- rr-"

CR- CRUNCH… CRUNCH!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Attempt: number three!

"Alright!" I clap my hands together, and rub 'em together!

She's wearing this really badass armor, right?

Flaring the cow bra out, I slowly tip-toe towards the throne, comin' in from an awkward angle!

If I can make her boobs grow so they're too big for the armor, she'll have to take it off dude! It's genius dude!

Plus- we're apparently so weak we can't be detected easily, so if I take that at face value, she should let me just-... sneak on up behind her...

...Ohp- the moment I near the throne-

shink. Oh. The katana itself raises from the floor, without Kiyoko doing anything.

Fwash! Oh. Oh- Genkan was able to freeze the katana as it lined itself up to shoot at me. Why's the katana not immune to- y'know what I won't count my blessings…!

"Hmm…?" Oh shit Kiyoko knows.

She shifts, lookin' at me.

Alright- plan K. I reach into my bag-

splish! Drawing a cup from within the bag, I chuck a whole cup's worth of Kool-Aid at her face! ...Oh my god she didn't even fucking blink.

Genkan has a flat look, just around a wall behind me! "It went bad. Maria, plan B."

"I- I thought this was plan B…"

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Attempt: number four!

"Stop!" Maria casts Stop on this really big table!

KA- KA- KLINK! The big table is stopped.

Wham! With Fallen Comrade, I hit against the broad side a' it!

Wham! Wham, wham, wham…! Spinnin' around, I keep hittin' the shit out of it! "Gen- Genkan, help!"

BAM! Genkan kicks it really hard! "Nnh…"

Bam! I give it one last hit for good measure… aa~nd-

KLINK! The time stop wears off-

WOOSH! The table roars forward at mach ten, hurtling like a Gmod prop!

Kiyoko was already sitting up on her throne. "Wh-"

BOOM! The table hits her so hard it fucking explodes into like- four pieces!

Thud! Kiyoko's throne falls backwards with her on it- and she's sent rolling along the floor behind it!

"Wa- hahaha!" Get owned, little noob…! "Yeehaw!" I wonder how much damage that actually- oh.

Kiyoko is now before us oh god- "Hrr- aah!"

SHI- SHUNK- SHINK SHUNK- SHINK- SHUNK! Ah yes- cool like, eight swing sword combo. You definitely didn't just party wipe us with the first swing of the combo…!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

...Kiyoko sits peacefully at her throne. Fer now…!

Attempt five: the big one dude. Ooh, ho ho ho, dude…

This time, we're in the air over her throne, atop some rafters way, way up above! See- the ceiling's like two stories up, so we got a lotta distance!

"We're gonna drop a brick on her fucking head." I hold a red brick over the edge of the rafters…! "If we're lucky, this will concuss her so fucking hard she goes into a coma and dies instantly."

...Genkan looks slightly spooked, as she stands next to me up here! "You can be really cruel when you try."

I give her a little look!

"That's not to say I don't approve." Genkan gives me a smile, dude. "This is a time for cruelty." Yeehaw!

"Yeah- pro'lly!" Anyway…! "Genkan- we're gonna make an explosion and then have you also pull down on it. If we're lucky, this thing'll hit terminal velocity and then some…!"

We're- like, we're inventing a gun, but for bricks!

...I give Genkan the brick. She floats it up-

fwish. -and freezes it to the ceiling.

Maria raises her staff. "...Idea. Should I stop it, too? So we can make a bunch of little blasts?"

"...Hmm." I'm not sure! "Sure!"

And so, we begin. "Stop!" Maria freezes the brick.

Ka- Klink! While it's frozen, Genkan raises her arms, and Maria casts once more. "Fireball!"

Fwoom- KRAKAK- Fwish- Fwoom- KRAKAK! Genkan and Maria have a battle of the elements above the brick as it's suspended just below the ceiling! Each successive blast makes a tiny impact mark on the ceiling above it…!

An' then the brick unfreezes.

WHOOM! Oh- shit! Pft- hahaha! Dude- it's goin'!

THUNK! Oouf! Dude- you hear that!?

"Grhk- aaa~h!" Whahahaha!

"Pfh- oh…" Genkan cringes back! "Um…"

Maria holds her hands over her mouth!

...SHUNK- SHUNK. Katanas start piercing through the rafters…!

"Ookay!" I cross an idea off on a notepad I'm carryin' around! "New note… is immune to going into concussion comas. Good to know!"

"I'm still glad we did this." Genkan likes hurting people…!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

Nodding, I hold open a door along the side of the Hakurei Castle… thing. It's kinda obviously a set-piece, 'cause most of the place seems to be devoid aside from the Kiyoko room, and the flanking halls all really quickly lead out into featureless grassland. S'like the boundaries of a game area!

A single fluffle waddles in from outside, scuttling along the floor like a fluffbug. "sniff sniff"

"Go on, little dude." I speak quietly, like I'd talk to a cat. "Yeah, dude…"

The fluffle advances forward!

Outside, Maria used her fluffle backup from the hat-able fluff to kickstart a fluffle revolution.

We are now mass-producing fluffles to file inside the throne room.

Why, one might ask? Well…

Lookin' inside, I see the fruits of our labor!

Every single fluffle is piling underneath Kiyoko's chair. There are now two hundred fluffles packed under there, shuffling around, causing a small ruckus.

"I feel like this is more effort than it will be worth." Genkan takes note…!

"Yeah- probably!" But still! "Dude…" I trail off and just don't finish my thought!

Genkan is enticed to glance inside 'cause of my trailing off! Then, she looks at me again. "You'd think she'd hear the cooing."

Oh my god, dude. "Fluffle coos, dude. I'm gonna sniff you."

"That can wait." Genkan decides!

Y'know… "Do you think Kiyoko would lose if we decided to have sex in front of her?"

...Genkan looks like she actually considers it for like half a second! "That can also wait. We're also not doing that."

Maria is nearby, looking fluffy and awkward. "...Why hasn't she seen any of them yet? They're getting so dusty…"

"If she can't detect us 'cause we're so weak…" I beam at 'er! "Fluffles're probably like, anti-noticeable…!"

Dude- we got three hundred fluffles under there!

"What's the plan when you get a thousand under there?" Genkan- oh right, I didn't tell her yet!

I grin. I leer! "We're going to have one of us kill them all, simultaneously. The idea's that- the dust will all spread out and expand from every single fluffle dying at the same exact time- and do so so hard that it should send Kiyoko into the fuckin' stratosphere…!"

...But! "Admittedly- I dunno how much force that'd even actually make!"

Genkan gives the throne room a plain look. Then, she looks at me, and smiles! "I don't think this will beat her, but it runs a good risk of giving her a headache again."

"Brad, concussions don't work." Maria informs me again! "I- I know you have fun concussing her- but I don't think this is gonna work…!"

Four hundred fluffles have piled into the room. There are so many under the chair they're like… unable to fold beneath the chair any further!

I clap my hands together! "Alright! Genkan-... do the honors!"

"...Oo- oh?" Genkan takes pause! "...Alright."

She focuses… and-

KRING! An ice spike erupts beneath the chair-

FWOOM.Oh my god- that boom of dust. Oh god- that cloud! That's a cloud that'd choke you to death!

...Where's the throne? Oo- oh…!

BAM! CRACK! Um…! I dunno what's making those noises, but-

BA- BAM! Pft- "He- hahahaha~!" We just all saw the throne fall back down and bounce on the ground on its own…!

"Pfh- oo- oh no…" Maria cringed back!

Genkan compacts, chuckling! "Wh- wow…"

THUD! THUD! Pfh- oh holy shit! Kiyoko just fuckin' flopped all over the floor. "Gh- nngh…!"

I run inside! We must capitalize! "Yeeheehaa~w!"

Ohp- oh no, she's getting right back up- oh dude her forehead's bleeding! Again! Wait- did she just get launched two stories up into some rafters, fall two stories, and fucking get right the fuck back up? Are- what…!?

When she stands uneasily, I just- yeah fuck it! "Hoop!" I chuck Fallen Comrade at her!

Bam! Wh- it hit!?

Clack! Kiyoko skids back onto her ass from the head impact! "Onh…!" Wahaha~!

fvhir- VHMMM~. Oo- oh. Her empty arm socket- starts charging up, what the fuck. Air, dust, and light particles visibly begin to combine into a big white orb where her right shoulder's supposed to be…

Wait. Since our equipment's never broken or expended in this pocket world- can't I just-

Oh. Kiyoko not only stood, she's just in front of me.

She aims her empty, holy-filled arm socket at us-

VRRRR- FWOOAASH! If your first guess was 'hyper beam'... you'd be partially correct- it's not just a hyper beam, it's an all out holy area nuke too! It just begins as a hyper beam, then it spreads out!

Also, it does a lot of damage. A lot of damage. By that, I mean we all died instantly.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I hold that silenced pistol we stole from Seiga. "I am going to shoot her in the skull, and she'll freakin', frakin', fuckin' die…!"

"That feels like cheating," Genkan states the obvious! "...I approve."

"Hey man- she said might makes right, and who needs the big muscles- the muskles- if ya got freakin'... tiny metal balls that go really fast!?" It feels hilariously disrespectful, but…!

Crea~k. I push open the big double-doors with my shoulder, walk right on in, and-

PICHOO! Wh- oah! Holy fuck- that pistol had more kick than I expected…! Curse my noodle arms!

THUNK! That- did not hit Kiyoko.

PICHOO! PICHOO! Yeah- get owned! I- did not hit either of those shots!

Genkan picks me up! "I'm moving you closer." Ye- yeah, probably a good idea!

"Hell…" Ohp- Kiyoko's starting to stand! "What-... even…"

Genkan just thrusts me towards her, moving really fast!

"Aaa~h!" I yell really loud- and-

PICHOO! PICHOO! PICHOO!

TINK! TAK! What!? Her armor deflects fuckin' bullets!?

THINK! Oh- I hit-... her cheek!

"Ghk-" Her head kicks to the side, from the bullet's impact.

PICHOO! Ooh-

TING! ...Oh. After that bullet landed, a barrier stops the one shot I actually aim correctly from just clobbering her between the eyes.

"Fhh-" Blood hisses from the bullet wound in her cheek! "Fhuck-"

Yeah- uh oh.

"YOU!"

SHING!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

I whisper. No- I just mouth. I say nothing. 'Slowly…'

Genkan is telekinetically lowering me from across the entire hall. I am in the air over Kiyoko, holding the cow bra. I do not even have to walk up to her to make her equip it…!

Alright, so here's our grand slam master plan wham-bam thank you ma'm-... plan! I'm gonna make Kiyoko's boobs grow, and then she's gonna walk into a field of fluffles. Then Maria will launch a brick at her from offscreen, and I'm gonna shoot her in the back of the head while Genkan makes caveman noises before her.

...Ohp. I am in-... position!

I inhale. I'm boutta' jump on this girl spidey style dude…!

'Now!'

Genkan releases me.

Clack! I land on my shoes- and hug onto the throne from behind, workin' the cow bra's cups over Kiyoko's breastplate armor!

"Hu-... ah." Kiyoko takes pause… and then- "Wh- wha~t!?"

Who- ah! She leaps from her chair-

FWA- FWOOMP! Fluffles die rapidly under her heels- and she scrambles around for balance! "Wh- ah-"

CLACK! Ohp- the brick hit her armor, but good enough!

Genkan runs up to her, limbs flailing! "Uu- um-...! Oo- ooga, booga… booga!"

"Eeee~!" Ha-chan screams from above!

Clack! Castin' the throne aside, I run on up to Kiyoko with my silenced pistol!

But then-

PICHOO! Oh- fuck! The moment I thought to fire-... oh.

Kiyoko had ducked down, grabbed my arm, and aimed me at Genkan literally like the frames of pulling the trigger. Not that I had a good shot aimed ta the back of her head even- this happened in like, a second!

THUNK! Genkan's head kicks back. "Aa- nh- aa…"

CR- CRA- CRACK. That's- my arm. Let's just say words cannot accurately describe how painful it is for your elbow to be bent the wrong way.

Yeah- I'll just, die now, thanks.

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

...We are now back in the real world!

"I think-... we need ta grind fer- a few more levels than that…!" As much as it pains me to admit it-... maybe we can't cheese that encounter with absolute iterative horseshit… at least, not yet!

Wait. Fuck!

I snap my fingers! "I never summoned that pillow with my cum on it to bonk on her face."

My gaze meets Genkan's.

"I- I don't think we need to climb up the stairs for that, just so we can be killed again." She disapproves of the timewasting…!

We're now in the alley outside the portal down to the superboss tomb. Yeah- Kiyoko's sword is gonna uh, have to wait for the postgame or some shit!

Nazrin has a very dry look on 'er face! "...What the hell were you doing? Wh- why the fu- why did you guys try so much?"

...Genkan purses her lips! "She offended me and my friends. I had to defend my honor."

I hold my arms out! "Wha- why didn't you tell us the sword boss was like- the optional endgame superboss…!? We ain't ready fer that shit! Dude- Byakuren'd get her ass handed to her! Ain't no one crackin' that shit!"

Nazrin chuckles! "I- I didn't say you had to try like ten times! And-... were they really that bad? I hardly lived long enough to find out…"

...Maria nods, haunted! "They- they we- they were that bad."

"My favorite moment will remain that one time we ragdolled her by exploding four hundred fluffles beneath her throne." That will never not be hysterical. "If only it was a really high throne, so we coulda actually fit a thousand."

...Genkan gives me a look! "I don't think that would have the effect you'd-... the effect that-... it- it wouldn't be a bigger explosion, is what I'm trying to say." I can't believe Genkan's words consumed her whole, dude.

Man. Someone hurt her, dude. Kiyoko, that is! She's just on such a different ideological level than all a' us, we're practically speakin' different languages! Apparently the Hakurei used to be xenophobic an' anti-youkai as fuck!

...Man, people complain 'bout Reimu bein' an asshole, they should see where she got it from! It runs in the family tree- an' let's just say she's got it the best, so far! From what I've seen, anyway. Actually, Reimu's mom was like, fighty-woman, right. Reimu herself is plain and uncaring. Kiyoko here… hoo boy.

Y'know, maybe Reimu's mom-... actually, no, I have no idea how much of an asshole she was. Considering she had ta punch shit, and spell card rules were not a thing, she might be skeptical 'bout youkai.

"Well…" Nazrin scratched one of her big Mickey Mouse ears. "Seems like y'had fun, at least. Come on back if you think you got any ideas. I'll keep huntin' around for good fighters. Maybe some village guards, or something."

...I- I think they'd stand less of a chance than us, and that's saying something.

Wait. "If ya do that- get like thirty two, and tell us beforehand so we can watch!"

"I- I'm not sure if there's even enough room on the sword's hilt for that many people." Nazrin grins back at me! "Especially with spectators! This ain't supposed to be a blood sport…!"

I'm glad I live in the slice-of-life slash JRPG anime rather than whatever the hell one Kiyoko comes from!

==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====

END OF CHAPTER 110

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

a fun chapter that went in a buncha different places!

a vaguely 'scene reset' sorta chapter, cause the open-ended nature of it will be good to segue into the next one

however! it also had a lot of really fun moments

we got to see more of the golden grin! and this time, some of its staff; particularly the highlights of douchebaggery

we got ta meet kugo koin, the assfucker. i somewhat lament not being able to position things in a context where his character is a bit more grounded so that his big reactions to stupid things could be more funny; maybe on my proofing pass he might receive some buffs to charisma or something

an' then we got the COWABUNGA, mister "would be threatening if he wasn't so slow anyone could outrun him".

y'know it's kinda funny, because these two guys were mildly inconvenient as foes in sendai hakurei no miko mode, but it was largely because sendai had a very specific hands-on fighting style for the encounter, and also very specifically lacks ranged options

provided, she actually used her fists; y'won't see brad tryin' that shit! thankfully, bawmber and red scare are very good trash cleanup tools…

that, and unlike in sendai, brad's unimportant enough that he gets to be present to see the everyday interactions of the big noobs. provided, what we've seen certainly isn't all the golden grin has to offer, but you can only fit so much screentime in…! i decided to mostly focus on kugo and orato because their characters are well-defined to me

that and they're really, really huge assholes, to the point it's impressive

which is kind of a running theme for this chapter, innit? kiyoko also falls under that category, in an entirely different direction!

man kiyoko and genkan talking is actually really fluffy; it establishes genkan as really articulate but soft and cuddly meanwhile kiyoko is all quills, no pillows

kiyoko is articulate but always sharp, bitter, venomous and outright hateful, as well as superior in the most condescending way possible

honh, honh…

anyway! nugge- get- get- get, nug- get- get.

...i don't got too much else to say about this chapter, although i think the brief moment of me being away from the party will be well-received - w - it's good to separate from them once in awhile anyhow, both for scene-setting purposes as well as variety's sake

it's a lot easier for brad to get into some very different nuanced situations on his own rather than being bundled with the friend brigade, although i still have a lot of things i wanna do with them, especially with genkan around (obviously)

by which i mean i got some fun scene ideas, and naturally the trial will be finding ideas that are interesting to place between now and those scene ideas

...this is why episodic formats can be powerful; they allow cleaner segues into ideas without quite as much context or travel time required - w -

provided, the adaptability exercise of this sorta thing is still really important for seeing scenes and progression for multiple angles and yeedeya yeedeya it keeps you hyper-aware of what you're doing, or at least pushes the fold

as always, see you all next time!