(in which KILLIONARE. YEAHAHAHA)
I hold the stethoscope up to Maria's face, bringing it closer and farther repeatedly. "Welcome to my sissy dick failure hypnosis ASMR."
...In the background, Genkan looks at Koakuma.
Actually, wait. "It'd be penile failure, wouldn't it? That's the medical way of putting it!"
"That is not how you use a stethoscope." Patchouli gives me an offended look, sitting on the edge of her desk near us! "I am not a doctor, but I don't think the male genital glands are called penile anything."
Koakuma smiles innocently, before her eyes shift to Genkan.
Genkan stares back at 'er!
It's been a few hours and I've had time to relax and catch my breath, even with Genkan bullying me.
"I'm not a doctor," I preface loudly, in charge of the situation! "But I think magic is the result of an upset stomach." That was the first thing which came to mind.
Maria's flattest expression cracks a little at the low blow! "Bra~d…"
"I have to admit," Koakuma has a big smile all of a sudden! "I have no clue how he can just switch from sex mode to this."
Genkan adds onto that thought! "Very carefully." Oh my god.
Koakuma nods. "I'm gonna smother you. You're the one who had to bounce on his dick. I'm looking for your thoughts."
Maria interjects. "Oh, really? Living vicariously through Genkan?"
...Koakuma nodded twice, and gave Patchy the most patient look. "Permission to bitch slap your student?"
"Motion denied." I- I like how even Patchy began to smirk a little. "If anyone deserves tongue, it's you."
Koakuma just kinda stares through Patchy entirely, somewhere between confused and offended!
Patchy smiles a little wider at Koakuma's plain vexation!
"Not even gonna say anything. You know what you did." Koakuma grinned too, shakin' her head. "Tryhard."
Patchy follows up immediately. "You just wasted the better half of everyone's days trying to get laid. Again."
"Yeah, whatever." Koakuma shook her head. "Some things ain't meant to be. But hey," Koakuma pointed at me an' snapped her fingers. "If you know any cute guys, hook me up. And don't send trash. If I wanted just any dick I'd go down to the village myself."
"Which you won't, because you're needed here." Patchy chastises her. "...You know, I'm sure the others would like to know what you did a week or so ago."
Koakuma quirked a brow. "I did what a week ago?"
"You went down to the village, found a man you liked, and sated your lust."
...Koakuma grins at us sheepishly! "Oh. Uh. Shit. Yeah. He was alright. See, he didn't have much personality."
Well- I mean, "but you wanted my dick before y'knew anything about me!"
Koakuma rolled her eyes. "As if I couldn't tell you were a cherry boy from the scent. You were an outsider, and the college student type at that. Full of potential."
Maria interjects. "Full of cum." She has learned well.
Koakuma nods. "I'm gonna rape you."
"Pfhk." Maria chuckles!
"Koakuma. It's not like Brad leapt out of bed and started cracking jokes," Genkan reasons against Koakuma's ravenous cynicism. "I forced him to take a small nap. A time out to think about what he'd done." As if I was gettin' a lot of thinking done like that...
"Yeah, but…" Koakuma shook her head. "Whatever~."
Ultimately, Koakuma actually was allowed to watch us be close. From a small window, in the corner of the room. Yeah!
When we were alone, me and Genkan talked. She was still disgruntled about the high stakes combat I chose to partake in for basically entirely personal reasons! But… y'know.
It's freakin' weird. This shit people call 'power'... it's really vague. I'm not powerful, and physically I'm only a little bit stronger than the day I walked in. Still, I basically beat Koakuma with a combination of luck, a little skill, a little access to foreknowledge that I guess you could call experience… and I guess I wasn't all that afraid either. I mean, I was, but not enough to just run!
Is that power? Is the combination of all those things power?
Actually beating her… is really nothing less than a gift from the RNG gods, in a way.
More than that though: it demonstrates that rushing down my foes with a plethora of whacky bullshit can actually work, if I try hard enough! Just, next time, I really need to find ways to reduce 'luck' as a factor…!
Genkan might not've entirely appreciated the risk involved, but that was an important battle. I showed my proof of concept worked. I showed that I don't entirely need to stat grind to prove myself. But…
Is just forcin' it good enough? ...I mean, for self-defense, I guess so. But that last fight wasn't self-defense, that was… a gayer spell card duel. A battle over disagreements. A battle of ideologies, where one submits and one rules.
A battle of confidence.
It might not've been entirely correct for me to start such a fight. Genkan knows this. Later, I'll make it up ta her in a more meaningful way. With a fluffle. Yeah, man.
"Maria." Oh, Patchy and Maria got to talking in the background while I spaced out. "Show them what you've learned."
"Oh, right." Maria pivots to us! "While you guys were killing and screwing each other, I was actually learning useful skills."
"...Ouch." Genkan gives her a slightly sad look! "You're not wrong, but…"
I hold my arms out! "Y'say that, but I have learned combat philosophy!"
"Yeah, and you're also nuts." Maria decided! Ooh am I gonna have to talk to her too- "not that I blame you." Wait, why not? "Anyway…"
Genkan begins a fluffy assault! "We're not that big of do-nothings, are we?"
...Maria gives her a wayward smile. "I mean, no. Don't take it to heart. You guys are such huge pervs, I can't just not make fun of you over it."
What, is Genkan not gonna follow up on that? ...Then I guess I am! "That's rich comin' from you!"
"And how would you know…!?" Maria is confronted!
Genkan catches on, suddenly double-taking. "I can't believe I nearly forgot. Maria… you remember our time in the Myouren Temple springs, right?" I still never figured out what all that was about, someone tell me…!
"Yes. No." Maria smiles, but also glares! "That's it, I'm gonna shut you up." Uh oh! "Barrier!"
Ooh! She holds her staff up. She's got the Iron Beacon or whatever it was called out, the one Patchy herself gave her a while ago.
Shing! It lights up with a white-blue sorta light, the lantern's tip giving off this distinctly holy glow to it. Or at least, I'd say so. Reminds me of a car's headlight, or those pretty white Christmas tree lights!
Klick, klick- klick, klick. Ooh. Aw, shit. Hexagons. They appear in the air!
Maria forms a plane of energy hexagons in the air between us. They're luminescent blue,
"You've built a great wall." I nod at the wall.
Klackackackackack. Oh, shit. The hexagons snap towards me and Genkan, as well as back to Maria. They bend, forming shells of luminescent, technological light around us.
"This spell is based off of Eientei's technology." Patchy explains what the hell she's doin' to us. "Normally, this magic is applied by aircraft to prevent mid-air rocket bombardments, as well as to shield surface-based units from aerial bombardments."
That sounds pretty heavy-duty! "Hoh, shit. How's that work?"
Patchy gives me the flattest look. "Are you sure you want to know?"
"Yes, give me all like two pages of exposition explaining how this works." I am genuinely curious!
"...No." Ouh. "All you need to know is that it is energy. The algorithms involved are… based in formula, but not hard to decode. It is purely independent of element."
Oh, right! "Does it reduce the damage you take from magic attacks?"
Patchy raises her brows. "...I suppose that was an obvious detail. Yes. It should effectively halve the damage… however, it both runs out over time, and with abuse."
Holy shit, we finally get a party wide buff spell. Now we're gettin' places!
Maria nods. "It also costs… mana. Not a lot, but… not a little, either."
Medium cost spell, huh. I have no idea how big your MP pool is so I don't even know what that means. I haven't watched her super ass fuck something in battle in a while.
Genkan approaches me. She reaches her hand forward, and it goes through both of our shields.
When her hand reaches my arm, she smiles. "We're connected."
"What." That was strangely random! "We're connected." I echo the sentiment.
The folded hexagon energy shields whirl in an orb around each of us. It's a little obnoxious and slightly dizzying, but y'know half magical damage ain't a bad trade off.
Man, I'm gonna be able to stay up until like 2 AM 'cause of all the fuckin' around we've done. Literally and figuratively!
Now, even though I'm uh, 'rested'... I'm ready to do somethin' to conclude the day! Oh, right, I wanted to fight Mario…
Man. "Genkan, should we still fight Mario?" My mind's still half-numb. Genkan is cute, maybe she'll know.
"Who?" Oh, nevermind. Cuteness is apparently not a deciding factor...
I turn to Maria. "Hey Maria, should we fight Mario?"
"Huh?" How'd you both forget? Maria, you're usually good with remembering things! Wait.
"Red hat, overalls!" Maybe Maria'll know that!
"Oh! Um." Maria's still not sure! "Huh...?"
Man, that's it. "Alright, we're gonna go capture and contain Mario." We are now the SDM SCP foundation. We need more acronyms. The SDM SCP LGBTQ FBI CIA foundation.
I look at Koakuma. "Where are the XCOM aliens?" SDM SCP XCOM LGBTQ ADVENT EXALT MOCX MMSF FBI CIA USA… foundation. Of the people's communist republic. Yeah dude.
"...If you mean Mario, he's on the book shelves… somewhere. I'll take you to him." Koakuma decided! "He's being annoying today, just throwing around books and running around with them for no fucking reason."
I wonder. "Have you tried to fuck Mario?"
"Ew. Hell no." Pfft. "He's a fucking cartoon character." Oh, right, yeah, he's straight up outta the Smash art style and all!
Well! "The least I can do to pay you back is to capture that no good Mario!" I intentionally ham it up villain-style 'cause this is really ironic now that I think about it!
Patchy nods. "If you think you can actually do so, be our guest. Be aware that he uses fire magic. ...I hadn't considered this, but perhaps Maria should make liberal use of that magic shield."
Wait. "Does it stack?"
"No." What a prompt answer! "Flat half damage which degrades. It may be reinforced, but it does not layer. The magic was too complicated for something like that." But it's magic, can't ya just- yeah whatever I don't get it anyway…
"C'mon." Koakuma gestures for us to follow her! "Over this way. You can smell him from a mile away." Uh oh. I can't believe Mario stinks.
"What's he smell like…?"
"Mushrooms."
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
Oh, there he is.
CLACK! Mario stomps down on the top of a bookcase. He's just, runnin' around, carrying a stack of five tomes like he'd carry a block, doin' U-turns in place atop the shelf.
"Fuckin'-" Koakuma holds an arm up! "Fuckhead! Get back down here!"
Mario turns, looking down at us.
CLACK! Oh, fuck. He can jump. Well- yeah, I mean, he's Mario, of course he can jump!
He jumps six entire book shelves away, escaping from us fucking instantly. He can jump so good he can basically fly.
"Damn it." ...Koakuma turns to me! "Since you're so confident, you should have an easier time with him than me."
Genkan speaks up! "I should be able to make short work of him. He's just a human man." Uuuh.
Koakuma snorts. "Yeah, that's what Remi said too…" Oh, yeah, daily reminder, Sakuya and Remi couldn't fucking stop Mario. He couldn't do anything to them, but he's apparently immune to having his throat slit for no reason.
Fwi- Click! Changing my Miko sandals for gravity boots, I take the hell off the floor! "Genkan- I'm ascending!"
Genkand and Maria calmly watch me ascend, making no immediate attempt to follow!
woosh. Ascending over the shelves- I see him!
"Ha!" Mario fuckin' backflips off a shelf. This is immediately really schizophrenic!
Koakuma's in the air next to me what the fuck. "What the hell's your plan? Are you just gonna run at him?"
"...Yes?"Man, seeing Koakuma's wings flap around is surreal! ...What big wings she has!
Oh shit- I left a shelf and now I'm sinking! "Oh shit- Koakuma help!" I'm descending between the shelves again!
Koakuma doesn't help, and just watches me descend. You motherfucker.
...click! Once I bob towards the floor, I land and jump, thrusting against the carpet.
"Woah- shit! Wahoo!" Yeah- I gain twice Koakuma's height and go way into the air!
Mario beams, lookin' up at me! "Yahoo!" Oh shit- he long-jumped under me!
woosh. Koakuma does a gentle lunge through the air, as if to tackle him. "Gotcha-"
BOOM. Mario just kicks her. "Yah!"
THUMP! Koakuma goes fucking flying, bouncing off a shelf and collapsing somewhere behind it. "Nhouu! Uuh!" Holy fuck he's stronger than he looks. That was like, a launching attack. I think that's Mario's forward tilt. That's not even a smash attack!
Oh my god, can you imagine how much damage the fucking forward smash fireball does? Oh fuck.
"Barrier!" Ooh!
Maria's overhead, carried by Genkan, and she casts her big defense spell!
Klick, klick- klick, klick. Klackackackackack! The hexagons appear in the air before Mario himself, before snapping to defend all four of us!
Koakuma descends over the top of the nearby bookshelf.
FWAAM! Her black wings flare out, angular and violet, nearly neon pink as her limbs light up. "Not- this- time!"
BAM! Landing on the shelf she emerged over, she arches herself back, teeth bared.
Mario just stands there, bouncing in place to the cadence of his idle animation.
FRA- KRACK! Koakuma vanishes like a bolt of lightning.
Fwish! Mario draws a yellow cape, flaring it at the air before himself, a prismatic whirl flaring out from its folds.
"Whoa- aaaa~!" Oh. Koakuma long-jumps in the opposite direction, her wings flared out airplane-style, heading to another continent.
"...Nice." I dunno if Genkan's even sure what happened, but she felt the need to be unimpressed anyway!
Damn. I wish I had a cape like that! Ooh…
When my bobbing stabilizes, I look down at Mario! "Hey- Mario…!" This is so fuckin' weird…!
Mario says nothing, lookin' over at me but not really replying!
"Where'd ya get that cape!?" I'm trying to have a conversation with Mario. This is really happening.
...He just kinda turns around and then back to me twice. That could mean any number of things. I dunno what he means!
"Alright- maybe we should stick to 'yes or no' questions…" Wait. Oh, right, border of language- so he should understand us. "Hey Mario- d'ya wanna get in this magic box…!?" Wait, hold on.
Sticking my hand into the air, I channel my magic while my boots equalize with gravity further… and cast!
fwump. A box lands on the floor before Mario.
"It's uh, it's like a warp pipe!" I'm not sure if I'm technically wrong!
"Hmm…?" Mario actually hums as he inspects the box. Wait… do I have to keep the thing I capture inside the box? How's this work? Do I just gotta get 'em in?
Oh! Mario puts the box on himself!
"Woah!" Pft- oh. He made a very Mario 64-like sound!
CLACK! Oh, shit. He jumps, and the box flies off!
Grabbing the box mid-air, he- he chucks it at me!
I catch it, because it's a box, and I'm not bad enough at life to get bonked by it. "Hoh- shit!" Having to move at all makes my gravity boots bob me around again ooouh…
"We went from having sex to this." Genkan helps contextualize the sheer level of contrast this is! "He has the essence of a human, but looks very much… not human. He smells profoundly of some foreign magic."
"Get yourselves together, guys!" Maria rallies us, for some reason! "He'll get away if you lose focus!" Wait-
BOING! Oh shit she's right- Mario's on the move! "Hee~ haha!" What the hell kinda Mario yell was that!?
Mario spins into the air, and takes right the fuck off. Like, holy shit. He went two stories into the air. Oh my god.
He ascends past Genkan and Maria. "Oh my god-" Maria's eyes widen, and Genkan drifts out of the way.
FWASH. Genkan freezes him in passing. "As if something human would be any threat to me." Y'say that, but Marisa and Reimu freakin' made a combo video outta you yesterday…
Mario plummets-
CRACK! Nevermind, he breaks free after like a second, he's basically freeze immune.
Genkan huffs. "Why does this keep happening?" 'Cause freeze is a cheap status! No fun allowed, man.
It did, however, restore regular gravity to Mario, 'cause he basically entered moon jump mode when he began spinning so fast.
"Stop!" Maria's lamp staff flares white-grey- wait when could you just cast Stop without the other staff-
KA- KLINK! Mario stops-
KLINK! -for two frames, and just keeps falling.
"What." Maria's expression flattens out.
"Exactly." Genkan's shares her offended look!
Yeah, why would the world make capturing Mario easy? Of course he's gonna be lubed up in status immunities. It might be 'cause-... wait, he comes from Smash. I was gonna say, Mario Bros doesn't have statuses at all, but since we're working with Smash logic, every status is complete bullshit unless it's Joker's side-B. For those who don't know, it's a weirdly effective poison!
WOOSH! Ooh- here comes Koakuma, comin' in hot!
"Hup!" Oh no, Mario rotates in the air as if to groundpound!
WHASH! Koakuma lands on the shelf beneath him in a quick flash of pink-purple light. She had kicked a leg through the air in an arc, as if anticipating his landing. "Eeh…?"
BAM! Oh shit- Koakuma gets groundpounded! Oouh!
Mario leaps off her, as she's just bounced off the floor on her ass, mouth open in pained awe.
thud. Koakuma lands on her back as a lump, body appearing monumentally lighter than it is, from the massive damage. "Whahaha-... wh- why…?"
Better question: why is this like, TAS speedrun Mario!? He knew Koakuma was coming for him! Unless that was some super lucky shit and he just wanted to land faster…
Skating through the air, I come in hot for 'em! "Well, Mario! I really want you as a summon, so I'm gonna best you in honorable combat!"
"Hoh!" Mario jumps in place, lookin' at me after my proclamation! Wait, oh no.
He's lookin' up at me. I have to bob in the air to keep from shootin' past him, and I turn to face 'em…
Mario runs towards me, and leaps at me oh god what-
"Hah!" Mario leans back mid-air.
Fwi- Click! Drawing Revenants, I uh- what do I do-
WHAM! Get hit, yeah, sounds like a good plan! Ow!
What happened- well, I'll tell ya! Mario did an overhead arc-shaped kick wit' his brown shoe, and it hit me in the jaw.
...Wow. This library is so tall. I'm so far up in the air that the void below is just… brown haze and the vaguest representations of bookshelves.
"Thunder!" I hear Maria from somewhere below. Ooh.
My eyes blink when the white-yellow lightning just comes down from the air before me. Holy shit. Lightning's such a broken spell.
woosh. "Yahahoo~!" Oh. Mario ascends past me, charred and smoldering. Yeah- I guess lightning's so damn fast even TAS Mario couldn't react to it…!
"Yeah- heeyah!" With my stupid nunchuck hanger, I fuckin' barrelroll in the air towards him!
Whap! Oh. I hit Mario once, but he takes immeasurable knockback and soars off before I can combo him.
Wait. If thunder can hit him, couldn't Sakuya or Remi just slit his throat in a few frames? I know Mario's frame data isn't better than an actual vampire's. Did Mario just play really safe or something…? I mean, considerin' he didn't fight back from what Patchy said, he probably did.
Wait. Wait, there's something we haven't seen yet.
While both me and Mario are in freefall, Mario suddenly has FLUDD on his back.
What's FLUDD? It's a water jetpack from Super Mario Sunshine, and it's one of his special moves in Smash…!
Wah- oh, Koakuma catches me! "Gotcha~. Mwah." Don't kiss my neck- whaddaya think this is!? "Go kick his ass." Son-
Woosh! Koakuma whirls around and tosses me at Mario-
FWASH! Mario shoots a massive shotgun spread of water from FLUDD. Okay, y'know, now I'm starting to see why Remi might be afraid. Look at all this water!
I'm launched way back-
Whap! Ow. Y'know, you'd think Koakuma's boobs would make good cushions, but I'm pretty sure I hit her so hard I squished 'em and still felt her ribs.
"Uhf!" Koakuma cringes back, in pain! "Ouw…"
Y'know, I just realized, she's no longer in her Devil Trigger; or rather, her wings are no longer souped up and ready to cut everyone. What, you mean that's a motive that can run out now, when she's on our side? Man, bosses always get nerfed to shit when they're on the player's team.
Genkan and Maria are slowly floating up to catch up with us-
Fwoom! Mario shoots a single fireball oh shit!
FWAM! It falls, and bonks Genkan in the side. "Eee!" Oh shit-
"Oh- waah!" Maria's launched into the air when Genkan cringes away from the impact, feeling at herself and patting out the lingering flames from her kimono.
Genkan threw her far. Maria ends up in the air with us!
Koakuma swoops for her-
CLONG! Maria hits her overhead with a clobber so hard that Koakuma just nosedives to the floor. Oh no…!
Swoopin' on down fuckin' biblical portrait-style, I reach out for Maria's hand.
Maria grabs my hand.
I beam! "I gotcha- wahaha!" Instead, we both fall faster, and I'm too weak to actually clutch her- 'cause she's pulling me along with her!
"Brad-" Maria beams at me as we plummet faster! "Do something!"
"Like what!?" Mario's a really hard raid boss holy shit! "Wait-"
Fwi- Click! Before we hit the ground, I draw the Bawmber, and chuck it on down.
KABOOM! Oh- shit, sorry Koakuma. "Ughk- ahk." She was underneath us, and got blasted so hard she was floor-bounced, again…
BOOM! It hits her a second time after it bounces off of its own explosion-
"Aaa~!" The blast catches Maria- and also me!
THUNK! My midsection hits a shelf. "Uuu-" Wait- oh no-
"Huaa~!" I barf. As I fall away from the wood ledge, I barf. I hit my waist so hard on shelf I fucking threw up…
thud. Landing on my back, I just- writhe around… yeah, I'm- gonna need a moment…
Genkan drifts down into the alley, Maria held in her arms now. "What the hell happened?" Wahaha! Oouh. Ow.
"I-..." Fuck… "Aah…"
"Brad, are you okay?" No.
"I've- been better!" Oh, man. Fuck…
...Oh, no. Koakuma's still wiped. I can't believe I team-KO'd. Oh, this is bad…
"Koakuma-..." Ugh. My throat's burnt from the stomach acid. "Didja-... ever try just casting lightning bolt for a change? Might've helped…"
Koakuma presses her elbows into the carpet. "If- if you have so many good ideas, Brad, how about you do it?"
Maria holds up her staff! "Thunderbolt!" Aw, yeah!
CLACK. Mario lands in the same alley as us. Oh, fuck.
KRAKOOM! The lightning flashes down, terrifying and fierce.
But Mario's holding a stack of books over his head. In doing so, he parries the attack. Oh no- this is what Koakuma meant! He knows the books are magic resistant so he's using them as fucking directional shields! What!
Maria's jaw drops. "What-"
"Hah!" Leaping, Mario chucks the stack of three tomes.
WHAM! He threw them so hard that Maria was hit out of Genkan's arms before anyone could think of dodging. "Agh!"
Thud! Maria bounces on her knees, suffering a one story fall to the floor. "Aaha- ooh! Ow..."
"You-" Genkan is mad! She arcs down to him.
Mario thrusts a palm at her- oh shit.
BAM- KABOOM! He smashes an explosive fire-accented palm straight into her core. Genkan's kimono immediately burns through, a big black burn mark immediately staining the stomach I was taking an eyeful of earlier.
THUD! Genkan goes fucking flying, body limp, as she bounces off the floor and over Maria.
Thud! Landing on her back, Genkan braces her teeth, holding the still-flaming hole in her stomach. "Nn-..." She channels frost on it, fighting the flames.
Well. I can't just take that lyin' down now, can I?
"Y'know-..." Ugh. Throat, please! "Mario! I thought ya saved princesses!"
Mario turns ta me as I stand.
Standing, legs shaking already- I'm so fucking tired- I grin at him. "What gives?"
Mario smiles. I don't know what that means!
"Boys, the master chief's gone rampant! Take 'em out!" I can't believe Mario is evil! That's it, son! "Alright…"
I run at Mario. I know how to hit him.
As I run at him, he reels back in place, charging another devastating fireball palm. I don't have Genkan's raw HP pool, so if that hits me in this kimono, I am fucked with a capital F.
But, that attack has a lot of start and end lag. I know it does! It's a slow attack at heart!
click! Turning my gravity boots on again, I perform a super jump of my own.
Fwi- Click! I summon… a coffee table. Over my head, held by both my arms!
click! Turning my boots back off, I push against the coffee table. Ain't no expended question mark block or brick block, but it'll do.
FWAM- BOOM! Mario unleashes his fireball palm on the air beneath me, unable to cancel his attack to evade or anything. He underestimated me!
BAM! Both heels together, I stomp my feet down on Mario's head.
An' then some unexpected whacky RPG shit happens.
KRING! Genkan summons an ice blade to spite Mario as I touch down on his skull.
CRACK- BAM! Mario is launched, sent flailing upside my back, and I end up ascending with him without taking any extra pain myself.
BAM- CLACK! Wait I forgot about the table oh shit- we're getting scrunched back down!
CLACK! "Dhuoof! Woah!" Mario gets crunched between the ice blade and the table… but since he's Mario, instead of getting gibbed and blood flying everywhere, he just gets squished pancake style.
Walking out of the assfuck with his mercy iframes, Mario slowly expands back to original size, unable to even jump as he walks away from the disaster!
thud- bam. Wow. I land on my legs after my short fall, and… they just buckle. I land on my chest.
"Thunderbolt!" Maria's got this shit covered though!
KRACK- KABOOM! The lightning coalesces on Mario the moment he tries to jump away!
"Ebubububa- oh!" Holy shit I saw him go G-major for a moment. Are my eyes gonna be good after witnessing that!?
Stumbling back, Mario leans forward, sighing. "Huu…" Ooh, shit. We're tuckering him out! We're actually hittin' him! Wait…
He's tired. The box. We've gotta get him in the box.
shoof. Summoning the box while I'm collapsed, I unleash it as a projectile.
"Hup!" Mario dives outta the way. Okay man- geez! Shit! He really wanted to evade that!
Koakuma grabs the box, holding it up and flying after him like a librarian might chase a cat! "Come here! C'mon-"
CLACK! Mario jumps straight over Koakuma entirely. "God…" Koakuma just watches him, slightly intimidated!
"Hey guys!" Oh, hi Ha-chan. "...What the heck's happening here!?"
Bolting off the floor, I run at Mario as he tries to dash by me! Not even to attack- I just tackle 'em!
Whump! We both collide. I get sent onto my side, rolling away.
"Doh!" Mario ends up on his ass, bounces back, and flops onto his back for a moment. Oh- that's perfect!
shoof. Koakuma plants the box down onto him, and folds the open flaps inward so that he's stuck inside.
I give Ha-chan a thumbs-up! "Wheh- we're winnin', son!" Father I have won the video game!
Koakuma looks oddly adorable as she lays down on the box, trying to keep Mario stuck.
...boof. Ohp! He's resisting arrest! The box jostled!
boof! Oh! Can he break free!?
boof. Come on! Does this work on pokeball rules!? Stay in there! Stay. Staay…
...For a while, no one moves.
Shiish. Then, glowing white, the box emits magical energy. Ooh, fuck.
Click! It clicks, like a lock being shut.
Intentionally pressing her breasts against the edge of the box, Koakuma gives me a dirty smile. "Summoning contract arranged. Now~…"
Picking up the box, Koakuma moves. "I'm gonna go chuck him in the lake! And, uh… we'll talk about what I can do for you later. I gotta go!"
woosh! Oh! With that, Koakuma takes off, ready to chuck the captive Mario in the lake. Wait, if she kills him, I won't get to summon him, I think! I have no idea how it works. Does he get extra lives? Can he even drown? Can he feel cold? I think he can feel cold, but maybe not in a way that matters…
Well. Whatever. We did it! We… we fought Mario and won, technically! Technically.
It was not, however, a decisive victory.
Shambling off the floor, half-dead, I uh… wait, shit. I got a new hanger for Christmas.
I take out The Spirit of Giving, that new candy cane hanger! Right, this had Cure as a spell on it!
Oh. Genkan is now near me. She looks pissed. Understandably so!
"Heal!" I thrust my hanger into the air, and focus on it like I do any other hanger…
Fwrrr. Oh, does this have startup lag? Munted.
Fwoash! Briefly, earthy, ivy-like green and gold energy flares amidst Genkan's chest. Translucent vines wrap up her form, before vanishing with the magic.
"Oh…" Soon, the still-embery, flaming smolders amidst her tummy are gone. Silky, snowy flesh: restored. "Huh." Genkan looks relieved.
Aah… fuck. That must've spent mad mana… 'cause I'm super lightheaded now!
"Mm- me too…" Oh. Aw, Maria's eyes are teary. "Heal me." Oh. Why's she limping? Yeah that's no good!
"Cure!" I thrust the hanger into the air again, this time focusin' on Maria.
Fwrrr. Fwoash! After another second or two of waiting, the natural, healthy magic blooms through her body.
click! Oh. Something clacks! It was her bones, dude. "Oow- aha- ow! Fuck!" It's not normally like Maria to swear when she's hurt, that's how you know that probably hurt! "Ga-... god. Um." She walks in place experimentally. "Huh. Co- cool…" Somehow, Maria cursing in pain is weirdly precious.
Oh my god. I feel so good now. My head's so light… is this what bein' drunk feels like? Maybe? Kinda?
I drop to my knees. Then, uh, onto my side.
"Brad…?" Genkan is worried!
"Ow…" I need… to sleep. Not just nap after getting fucked. I need to sleep for real! "Good… night." Even this shitty carpet… can feel okay, if you're tired enough…
"Brad, don't sleep there." Genkan recommends. Yeah, uh, can't be picky, I'm out of action points. I can't move. Well, not much. Not in a way that matters!
"Why not?" Ha-chan had decided to contest Genkan about the best-worst thing possible. "Brad's slept like this before."
"It's a dirty carpet." Genkan argued! "No. I'm not letting my boyfriend just... keel over here."
Gone. Aw- I think I see a fluffle. It's under a shelf. Hey, fluffle. Hey you. Hey-... aw.
Yeah, well… whatever they decide on, I'm not gonna be part of it!
Already-... gone.
Oof.
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
...When I wake up, I have to scoop fluffles out of my bed. Who put them there? Man.
Oh. I see Genkan took me back home, to our cave. I really had ran out of strength, and the day really did end!
Picking up one of the fluffles, I hold it close enough to sniff. It holds still, just letting it happen.
It smells like lavender, attic, dust, and lots of love. What a lump, dude.
Alright, okay, let's get the hell outta bed.
The fireplace next to the bed is lit, filling the icy room with a cozy orange glow.
For some reason, I'm naked. The ice floor is ass fuck to my feet.
...Oh. There's my stuff. I think it got cleaned? Yeah, it smells clean. How the heck'd Genkan clean it? Did she actually break out a wash basin and take care of it? That'd be awfully sweet of her.
I'm tempted to throw a fluffle into the fire, but it might catch something else on fire. Wait, no, the room is made out of freakin' ice. ...Huh. Y'know, the ice around the fireplace has seen better days.
I just noticed: on a related note, Genkan's removed all the deadly icicles from the roof of this room.
Fittin' back on my camo-kimono, I put my gravity boots in my~... bag. Ah. Genkan's placed some of my abandoned hangers near the bed in a pile.
I need socks. I haven't worn socks for like a month. These gravity boots are actually padded on the inside, they don't need socks. Wait, how the fuck do you clean them?
Fwi- Click! Changing my outfit, I put on my nazi officer uniform, fit with Miko's weird sandal boot things! Man dude, my toes are exposed. This outfit is weirdly chilly!
I need to ask Genkan if she has a foot fetish. No one would ever ask me if I had a foot fetish. Except maybe Koakuma, but she never got the opportunity!
shoof. Sliding open the Zelda ice stone door thing outta my-slash-our room, I enter the main room.
"Hey Genkan, do you have a foot fetish!?" I pose in my nazi suit, holding a leg up in the air because I don't have a box nearby to pose seductively onto. "Ohp- oh!" Ooh! Almost lost my balance!
...Genkan and Sakuya look away from the stove. Oh, wait, we got a few new appliances! Also, Sakuya is here!
We stare at one another. I'd do that porn meme where I raise my leg so high that I'm practically doing a split, bu~t I'm not nearly flexible enough to do that…
Sakuya smiles! "He's been up for not even ten minutes, and he's already like this. How do you live?"
Genkan smiles patiently back at her! "He's not always this high energy. Now that he has a home, he has his lows."
"Aah. I understand now." Uh oh. Genkan's giving away the strategy guide!
I walk on up to them! "I was serious about the feet question, by the way."
"Shu- shut up." Genkan still thinks I'm joking, so I guess I'm not getting an answer! "Sakuya was nice enough to help us obtain a-... dishwasher?"
"No. Washing machine." Sakuya corrects her! "Dishwashers are for silverware."
"Oh. I see." Genkan sees. "Do your clothes smell nicer, Brad?"
Aw. "Yee." I feel compelled to tell her I love her.
"We can more readily clean our clothing, now." Genkan smiles genuinely, eyes raised. God, she's great. "Sakuya noticed the power generator we have. She suggested we could use it to power something like this."
"You might as well use it to its full potential. Relatively speaking." Sakuya said, lookin' over at the quiet Eientei weird tech tower thing. "...Have you two ever thought of remodeling?"
Ooh? "Remodeling?"
"Making this architecture rather than just some youkai den cave." Sakuya considered. Ooh, shit. "...I have to ask, Genkan, why do you live like this?"
Genkan's reply was really prompt actually! "Building a house is a lot of work. I've simply never been interested."
"Hmm?" Sakuya raises a brow at 'er. "That's strange. It's something I've always found strange. Why do youkai not live in homes?"
Genkan's reply is still just as prompt! "...It's a lot of work. For me, this cave is in my element. Human luxuries are lost on us. We needn't the things they may need to survive, and some of what they consider 'nice things' aren't what us snow women consider 'nice things'. No offense, Brad."
"None has been tooked." Yeah man.
Sakuya looks at me. "What of you, Brad? Are you happy living in a cave?"
Well, I dunno. "It'd be nice if it felt home-y, I guess. As a cave, it's pretty free form and aesthetic, but… I kinda wish it had some more human friendly rooms. 'Cause I'm freezing my balls off in this full suit in even the living room here."
Genkan agrees gently. "...Perhaps, in the near future, we should consider home improvement."
Yeah, that's definitely a may-or-may-not-be-onscreen sort of adventure. My hands are a little full with something else at the moment!
Namely, the boat. I think everything related to that should be just about done now. I should go check up on it, while we're still sane and the day hasn't become big yet.
I turn to Genkan. "We need to make the giant floating awesome mansion castle in space."
"No." What! So quickly…!? "I know neither of us are good with a hammer. We may have silly money, but it would be a waste to dump it all into a fickle architectural-... thing."
"I'm good with a hanger!" I don't think that counts but I say it anyway 'cause it sounds good!
Sakuya speaks up, strollin' across the icy cave. "Those aren't the same thing, unfortunately." Ouh. "Home planning is important. Make it too inconvenient or creative, and you won't live in most of it."
Ah, shit, she's right. Yeah. We'll think about that in the future.
...Oh! Ha-chan suddenly comes running into the cave, using the lack of friction to her advantage!
"Wooah!" Despite being able to fly, she tries to stop on her heels, and skates right on into me!
whump- pap! Knowing it wouldn't work, I try an' catch her, only for Genkan to catch me! "Oof…"
"Mmm~!" Ha-chan hugs onto me, wrappin' her arms around both me and Genkan. Her chest is soft and very much in my way.
When she lets go, she shows off this tiny gift basket! "Guys! Mistress gave us a gift card, for Staples!" Wh- what the fuck.
"Sta- Staples?" Sakuya wasn't sure what the context of that was!
"Staples?" Genkan doesn't know either!
"Staples…!?" The fuck do ya mean, a Staples gift card!? ...Does Eientei have a Staples? If ya dunno what a Staples is, it's a shit-tier office supplies store in America. Like, very light electronics help, lots of paper and pencils, pens and printer ink. Small supplies.
It's contained in a little gold-red Easter woven basket. Looks fresh out of a mall or something.
"Ooh, chocolate." Comes with candy too! Hoh…
Placing it atop the washing machine, I rip open the plastic around it.
Reeses, Hersheys, buncha outside name-brand chocolates. Where the hell'd Remi get this from? It's about as baffling as that shit with Mario last evening!
Oh. There's the Staples gift card, attached to the plastic thing. Fifty dollars, apparently.
I flip the cardboard around-... oh. There's something written on the back here, in English. In black Sharpie, at that.
'LOOK THE FUCK OUT'. Yeah. That's, huh.
"Look the fuck out." I annotate!
"Um?" Genkan smiles strangely! "What?"
I like how it's written like, partially in cursive, except still in Sharpie. Freakin'...
Rip, rip! Opening the gift card, I look at the cardboard on the inside. Anything else written here, or is there just gonna be a weird message on it fer no reason?
Oh. There's more, on this little slip of paper that normally comes with Visa's disposable gift cards. Pretty sure this isn't supposed to be tucked under the Staples gift card itself, considering they're different companies!
'DON'T GO OUTSIDE. GET READY'.
Sakuya apparently doesn't see anything weird, so she moves on out. "How considerate of her. I'll leave you three to your devices. Hana, don't make too much trouble."
"Chief- you really coulda-"
Chief is gone. Ha-chan slouches. "Aawh. If she just took me here with her, I coulda been there when you woke up…"
...At our stares, Ha-chan makes another announcement! "Brad is cute when he wakes up!"
"I- I suppose he is." Genkan has to agree.
"I have died in every war." I inform them.
Genkan and Ha-chan just look at me!
With the freakin'... Visa legal pamphlet fully unwrapped, I look at the back side, since the dim lamp in our living room lets me see through the paper a little.
'SAVE YOUR PROGRESS NOW'. Y'know, considering this isn't a gamer fic, I can't actually do that! But…
The sentiment is still very real! The implication is that, the moment I step outside, I trigger some kinda big bad flag. So all I gotta do… is not step outside.
Wind howls through the cave.
thunk! Oh no. Our lamp tips over, landing on the shade!
"Oh- crap." Genkan curses! ...When she notices me look at her, she pouts! "I never said that."
"You're so fucking cute." Holy shit.
"I will swallow your soul."
Anyway! ...Hmm. I got some ideas who might've written this. Remi, Flan… or Yukari. Only vaguely English people I could imagine could write in cursive with a fucking sharpie. Unless Sakuya was being glib about some kinda warning. But why not just tell me? Sakuya don't play games, unless it's with pancakes, fluffles and cardboard.
If I jump in the bag to go to my garage… I won't have the bag with me. Is something following me? Is it Shikome…!? Is it Shimokoa?
I look at Genkan. "D'you think Shimokoa is coming for us?"
Genkan has fixed the lamp, freezing the base of it into place. "...I don't think she'd be so petty. Not anymore. Her anger is explosive, but it's not fueled by nothing. I'm sure this time has given her peace and ease."
That said, Genkan hovers closer. "Are you still scared of her?"
"Yes." She nearly killed me, so yes I am! "She has nearly killed me in every war!"
Genkan's brows raise a little. "...Well. Don't be. I'm not letting her hurt you again. I'm sure I'll be able to stop her this time, if she's still violent. Maria's so much more powerful too."
"I will try to retroactively not be killed in every war!" It's kind of hard!
Genkan reaches out to try and hustle me, but I get outta the way!
"I doubt Shimokoa will just come out of nowhere to slug us." Genkan inadvertently informs me what is probably going to happen! "...I mean it. I know that look on your face."
I hold my arms out! "Yeah, but-"
"Brad." Genkan floats even closer! "I think you're becoming paranoid."
...Hmm? "Whah?"
"You're following the same fearful line of thinking as her." Genkan announced. "I don't want to see you embrace the same… idiocy. The same insanity, or delusion.
"You've been pursuing power out of fear. Don't think I haven't taken note. Going to see Meiling. Trying to prove your skills against the mansion's guardians. You were incredulously in awe of that mansion not weeks before…"
Hoh. "Yeah, but-"
"You may not make the same logical failures as her… but you will feel the same fear."
Genkan puts her arms on me. "Promise me something."
Something, huh. "Like what?"
"Please, continue to be you, Brad." Genkan smiles. "Don't let these delusions of fear become you. Continue to be silly and playful. I… I may make fun of you for it, but it's what I love about you. I don't want to see you hide yourself in fear. Just as Shimokoa lost herself. I feel as though I see the transformation's seeds. I don't like it."
...Hoh. I see.
"Aah." Hmm. I should say… "Don't worry."
Genkan snorts. "I'm worried."
"Don't worry!" Aw, Ha-chan helps out!
She suddenly shuffles up next to us- and just kinda pulls us all together! "Everything's always turned out good. Except for when it doesn't. But it gets better eventually!" I'm not sure if she said a lot or very little in three sentences!
Genkan gives her only a half-annoyed look. "Hana… I don't know if-... hmn."
While held, I commentate! "See… I can't see dedicatin' myself to fighting for fighting's sake." I tell 'er. Martial artist, I am not. "But-"
Genkan furrows her brows. "The enemies you think we have… we don't have. You have no reason to think Shimokoa is still after us. As long as we're careful, we'll be perfectly safe. Stop being so irrational."
...I guess she's right. "It's still good to be ready…"
"I agree. That's why we travel together, looking out for one another. You've never had to do anything on your own, Brad." Genkan gave me a nod. "Even before us… you had Hana to keep you company."
"Yeah!" Ha-chan gets close to our faces! "If you're ever in trouble Brad- I'll distract them while you run away!" That's a little too self-aware!
Y'know, maybe I have been fixing my gaze on some kind of refined discipline, for… no direct reason. I still feel inside me, that I should be doing something to be more than just support. But, at the end of the day, we don't have any real threats.
...Wait. Maribel was pretty sus back in the Golden Grin the other day. "The other day, when I saw Maribel at the Golden Grin. She was actin' pretty weird, y'know?"
"Well, she's probably just a weirdo." I- I like Genkan's blunt reasoning! "Don't concern yourself with other weirdos. We can hardly understand you, and you're actually friendly."
"I'm a fluffle." Yeah dude.
"I see…" Genkan's concentration briefly slips, and she gives me a sedate look.
I give 'er a smug look back. Wit' the pursed lips, yeah dude.
Ha-chan let go, swaying back and forth in place. "I'm a weirdo!" Uh oh.
"I forgot what where we were going, exactly…" Genkan's mind erased the discussion from her brain. They took it away. "I- I remember how it feels. But…"
"Hi." Hello, Genkan. I see you are confused. Mental RAM: washed. "Snug."
Ha-chan smiles big! "Smug." Ooh!
"No." Genkan denies. "Regardless, I'm wondering what we should do today. I was considering visiting Maria later today, to talk about recipes and other such nice things. Perhaps get more help with this stove."
Hoh, yeah. "Aw, yeah."
...Genkan looks at the washing machine. "Sakuya left me notes on how to use this… machine. I might actually wash my kimono collection."
Wait. "How many do you have?" I haven't seen a clothes pile anywhere, or a closet…
"About ten." What, why.
When we just say nothing else, I have ta ask! "Why ten…!? Do they all match?"
"There are clothiers of the snow, seamstresses and fashion hobbyists. It's not as professional as Margatroid, nor as classy, but it's not a matter of profit. It's culture." Oh. So I guess they're literally standard issue to every snow woman. By the snow woman, for the snow woman. How cuddly, dude.
"...Not all of them match, but I never liked standing out." Genkan stares at the washing machine idly. "So, most of them do match."
"That said, I'm also excited at how easy this makes things. I don't have to clean them by hand anymore." Despite her monotone, she does look visibly kinda excited! More like content. At ease...
Hoh. "Well, while ya do that, I think I'm gonna head on down to the village myself." Get my bearings. Also, find out what the fuck happens if I go outside. Hopefully a noose doesn't just drop down and kill me immediately!
She nods. "I'll meet up with you later, if you're still there." Yeah dude.
Ha-chan moves for Genkan! "I wanna get stuck in the washing machine!"
"I'm pretty sure you'd die, Hana."
"Oh…"
Wahaha! Alright, son. Alright…
Fwi- Click! Changing into my camo-mono with my gravity boots on, I move fer the exit.
Genkan speaks up idly as I leave. "I still haven't figured out how to clean those boots. I might have to ask someone at Eientei. That… that can come later. Even on a snowy day, I don't feel like visiting there."
Yeehaw. Well…
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
Like a freakin' noob we waltz on outside! Aaand holy shit it's a dark day out today.
Blizzard conditions in Gensokyo! The sky's a dense grey and once again the snow is kicking some serious ozone ass.
Snow fluffles, yes dude. Those aside, can't wait to meander into the Forest of Magic so that things can become neon black. This forest in the snow is a freakin' death trap!
Movin' for the icy sky bridge 'cause it's just way more convenient than futzing around in the forest for a million years, I click on the gravity boots.
Wait, oh shit. It's snowing super hard, so when I turn my boots on, I ascend indiscriminately!
Click! Once I get onto the bridge itself, I let 'em flick off.
Ah, yes. Beautiful grey-blue atmosphere. I'm gonna eat the sky whole in one bite. Devour it whole like beast…!
Maybe once I get to Maria's, I'll check on the boat. Yeah, man.
Y'know, so far, I haven't been killed super instantly. Maybe that note I got was just some stupid bullshit!
If only I could find fluffles on this bridge. I could drop 'em on Marisa's house, like hail except floofier.
Man. How surreal, ta be walkin' around atop this freakin' ice bridge! I'm reminded of the times I've walked to and from school, sometimes in the snow, in the whipping cold. This is like that on steroids. Just, walkin' around over an entire forest.
Yawning, I stretch, and mosey on ahead. Maybe I can get up to some shit in the village man. Yeah, dude. Hmm…
I stop. Just kinda, takin' in the sights.
You know, Genkan just electing to the homemaking feels… really weird. I never really thought about homemaking myself. I mean… considering she's the sedate type, she might be having fun learning new skills and things to do at home. Expandin' the home, rather than expanding out.
And y'know, I'm also like that at heart, except Gensokyo has a lotta shit to do!
But uh… yeah, I dunno. It feels weird that she's just taken up responsibilities. I dunno how to show her that I care… 'cause it just makes me feel really good. That she'd just, do that. She must know how much I appreciate it…
Well, maybe when we have a quiet moment later, I'll ask. Just ta make sure we're on the same page and all.
click, clack. Someone else stops.
swish. Slidin' on the ice on my metal boots, I look back.
Oh. There's a yuki-onna on the bridge behind me, five or ten meters back. She stopped when I stopped. Her hair's all unevenly cut, kinda wild and messy.
I can't see her face. It's fully black where her face should be. Can't see her neck either.
Tiltin' my head back, I greet her! "Hello, snow friend!" Man, it's so windy up here…
"Hello, Brad." Oh? "How are you?"
"Who~ you?" Her kimono's a similar color… a sorta mint green. It's torn up, and I can see way mor skin than I pro'lly should!
Is this Shimokoa?
"I am… from the snow." Two mint green lights flare where her eyes would be. "What are you?"
Aaw. "I too, am from the snow!"
The yuki-onna nodded. "Hmm. I see."
Fwish. Oh. She summoned a very familiar looking ice shield.
"You are nothing but a deceiver." Her mint-green eyes flare brighter. "The human beast, here to feed off of intellect. Here for your daily feast. To rape beauty you don't deserve." Ee- excuse me? "Plundering the beauty which eludes you."
That's Shimokoa.
I mean, I guess she lives in the area. Awkward neighborhood!
Takin' a step or two back, I just kinda… size her up.
"I've been told you simply wish to observe this world. To see how far you can bend a mind. How many petals you can pluck, before the flower withers."
FWISH. Shimokoa generated a fucking massive broadsword overhead, more like a steel paddle than an ice blade.
"I've become a beast too. More of a beast than you."
A luminescent, green smile forms beneath the black that hides her face.
"LET ME HELP YOU SEE, OUTSIDER."
WHIRR. Black hair whipping around, she winds up her big ass steel sword.
WOOSH! In a near-instant motion, she cleaves her fuckin' massive weapon down into the ice bridge.
KRA- KRACKACK- BOOM! Ooh- you asshole! She broke a part of it! ...I mean, it pro'lly woulda eroded from Marisa rompin' around anyway, or random assholes- but still!
Ahah… ah. Uuh. I'm just gonna-... walk, really quickly, backwards!
Oh, I can't go backwards 'cause now I'm gonna fall-
Click! Activating my boots, I just- take right on off! Yeah, yeehaw!
Escaping from the crumbling bridge piece, I-... ooh. I'm not falling. Right, it's snowing! My gravity boots treat heavy snow as damn good ground!
Since it's a snowy day, I can just-... keep ascending!
Y'know what? Fuck goin' to the village today! I'm shootin' even higher! I'm walkin' to Heaven, son! Can't catch me there!
So, yup, yep, just walkin' on up to Heaven. Get owned, noob, get-
Oh.
WHIRR. Shimokoa's smile flares in the air before me, and I hear the otherworldly whine of metal on air.
WHOOOM! Holy shit.
She coasts too hard into me- and I collide with her arm when she unleashes an otherworldly attack.
Even though I didn't get hit by her sword, I was hit by her forearm.
I'm immediately launched meters away in the air like a ragdoll. Just, sent flying away through the air. This is fucked. Yeah- Genkan, your hope for Shimokoa's aged really well, I've gotta hand it to ya…!
WHIRR! I hear another freakin' whine- holy shit-
BAM- CRACK. That hurts.
I'm sent flying down multiple stories. Through the canopy, past the trunks, the whole way.
THOOM. Bouncing out of a snow clump on impact, my hair flails around. My arms and legs fly around, going lax from the sheer impact, before regaining control.
I'm not dead for three reasons. One: snow. Two: I was hit in the air. Three: gravity boots.
"Do not resist." Shimokoa is already here.
She's standing in the air before me, level with the height I gained from rebounding off the snow on the ground. "This is as nature planned!"
She holds out her hand to grab my face. She'll crush my skull.
Last time we fought- me and Shimokoa- I met Tewi around the same time.
Cruelty without hesitation, if you're fighting to survive.
Adrenaline flaring, I act before she can grab me. I make a V with my two fingers, and poke her in both luminescent eyes. Thanks for the fuck-me lights, asshole!
"Nngh! Fuck!" She recoils in pain.
With that, I zip past her, and go directly behind her.
"You raped Genkan..." Shimokoa's voice shuddered in the wind behind me. "You'll never be satisfied."
woosh, woosh, woosh. I weave through trees an' shit, just- picking a direction. Oh, man. We're gonna get lost. Lost as fuck. This wasn't how I wanted to spend today! Wait, is today New Years? Or is that tomorrow? Ahahaha~nh…!
Shimokoa's voice is right behind me, as if she's following my every shaky jerk and flail.
"Hehehe~! I won't let you escape again. You'll never break another again.
"Instead… I'll break you. I'll rape you, I'll eat you, I'll swallow your soul!
"Come here, outsider! It's only fair!"
RIP! She rips the back of my camono when she tries to grapple me- but I let gravity take me back down to the floor.
"Nope- no, I don't think it is!" I yell back to keep her distracted-
When I look at her, she's slowly reeling up her fuckoff sword.
WHRING! WHOOSH! Holy shit. I ducked it and the air off of her swing bounced me against the snowy floor. Oh my god…!
"Hehehe!" Shimokoa's enjoying herself, at least! "Yes it is! Yes it is!"
Getting around another tree, I keep fleeing through brush and shit.
"Death is too good for you…" Shimokoa's voice slowly catches up with me, snaking around the same trees and twists. "But I have no choice!"
"How about the 'not killing me' choice!?" This is an open-ended question! It's not multiple choice!
I twist around. Shimokoa is right fucking there, within arm's distance.
"You couldn't resist raping Genkan." Shimokoa cast her big ass steel weapon back. "Where was the choice!? Not to rape Genkan!?"
KRIIING- WOOSH! Shimokoa scraped her sword up along the snow, cutting through the earth itself, flinging it up to fuck my jaw with a wild underhand swing.
It was slow enough for me to fumble out of the way-
"DIE!" Shimokoa spun three-sixty, eyes flaring unbelievably bright, steel paddle drawn for a wide-ass swing.
Shit- I can't dodge fuck fuck-
BAAM. Her swing is stopped by the bark of the tree behind me. Oh, fuck. Fuck, thank god! Oh shit-
"No!" Shimokoa hates it! "NO! DIE!"
I use the gravity boots to ascend-
BAAM! She hacks at the tree again with her blunt greatsword, like it's a big axe!
"Just listen!" I yell back!
"Shut up! Human scum!"
She howls from behind me. I'm leaving her behind, so she can pull her shitty sword from the bark-
She's before me again. Instantly. Sword ready. Huh!?
Green monster maw taut in a wicked smile, she cuts inward with both arms. "HahaHA!"
Skriish! Dropping onto my ass, I slide in the snow under her fully horizontal swing.
Getting up, I stop before a tree trunk again. Will she make the same mistake? "Shimokoa! Look, dude, Genkan loves you!"
"Oh me oh my!" Oh- she's swinging smarter this time- "I have found you- 'sider!"
I weave down.
BAM- CRUNCH! She hits the magic tree so damn hard the big- blunt may I add- metal paddle gets stuck inside the fucking bark. Meters deep. Way deeper than her last two cuts combined.
Every single swing of hers is a killing blow, with all the force of a fuckin' car crash condesed into a single stroke.
Popping down between her legs, I freakin' get the hell outta there!
"Brad-..." Shimokoa huffs. "Look. Brad…" Huh?
Stopping before another tree, I look back at her, perhaps stupidly.
She's not reeled up to attack, however. "Please, lay down and let me kill you. You are out of luck. It is now time for you to die very rough."
Wh- hahaha! Oh god! "What if I don't!?"
"There's nowhere to run." Uh oh. "I will take your life. You will pay the price."
I see there's no negotiating there! "...I'll ask again: is there a not dying option!?"
She tilted her head. "If you come with me, I'll torture you, but I'll let you live. Submit to me."
I just wanted to go buy some Skittles at the gas station…! "Why've we gotta fight!?"
"Because I am more than you. More animal. More monster. You'll never get your dick wet again. You had a choice. You failed. This world is now mine to own. Not yours. You have no place in my world.
"That makes me the hunter. You, my prey. The least you could do is beg for the right to live. Your cruelty, now in the name of mine. That's the law of Gensokyo."
...Shakin' my head, I prop my arm on my hips. "Son…"
She says nothing, expectantly awaiting my answer.
I'm reminded of Komi. This is… exactly what happened with her. When she thought I was a greater 'evil' than her, she groveled, she begged and she kissed my ass.
What the hell do I say? I didn't know how to get Komi off my ass, let alone this asshole!
"If you waste my time, I'll simply kill you and eat you." Shimokoa began to raise her blade. "I'm hungry as it is. I needn't use even half of my real power to eat you. Genkan may be confused… but in time, she will learn. She will realize the laws that I have had to learn the hard way."
"The laws?" What the fuck are you talkin' about…!?
"The laws of Gensokyo. Of power. Of the world."
Shimokoa's eyes glow brighter again, as she beams at me. "Hell, human. Open your eyes. This is exactly what the world has planned!
"If this weren't true, Genkan's bloodline will forever be tainted by your filthy outside-human lineage." She looks positively disgusted! "You are an affront to happiness and beauty. Such a waste of sentience…"
She ceases her roast, glaring me down, as if awaiting an answer.
I don't do anything! She huffs! "If you won't be beneath me, you cannot be! Answer me now! Or die!"
"Oh! Hold on. Give me a minute. I'm thinking." I'm not actually, I just wanna be a wisenheimer!
Shimokoa furrows her brows.
"Hmm. How about…" Noddin', I look around, taking in the nearest escape route…
I roll my hands. After a moment, I start makin' Naruto hand signals for no reason, before Shimokoa leans forward a little, to watch my intricate mystical motions.
Then, still quiet, I make two middle fingers. I purse my lips as if they were insanely mythical.
After a beat, I hold them up slowly for her to see, spreading them out! Thrusting my arms out, I assure Shimokoa that this is the complete incantation!
Fwi- click! Equipping the carrot medallion with a flash of light, I start to twist away…!
BOOM. Cold wind unleashes from where she stood. Shimokoa practically explodes from where she was stationed in an instant, eyes flaring bright again. Yeehaw!
With my boots and my medal equipped- I just yeet myself away!
BAM- FWISH! Shimokoa clubs the ground where I was with her big ass sword. A literal geyser of dirt is created from the impact.
Woosh! Skating through the air overtop the forest's roots, I keep on keepin' on.
Me, scampering around the roots, snow and mud like a rabbit, Shimokoa hunting me down with her big retarded sword.
This isn't gonna be a fight. This can't be a fight. Despite all the practicin' I did, I don't really see a way I can nuance this that's sane! Like, literally!
WHIRR! "Touch me!" Shimokoa appears before me.
Her hunk of metal is hoist over her head again, her eyes wild with giddy, primal excitement.
I just- slide past her like we're meeting on a sidewalk. She's going for a stupid downward cleave- so she doesn't have much range.
BOOM- FWIISH! Dirt fucking soars past me, like she fucking artillery'd the floor behind me.
"Hit me~!" Shimokoa wails behind me, as I just… keep going!
Oh, hey! Marisa's place! Marisa- I need help! Is she home?
I start ta circle around it-
VHIRR. Shimokoa appears before me, blurring into existence amidst the snow. "Break me!" Bop it! Twist it! Oop-
Rotating three-sixties as I swim like a needle through the air, I pass just under Shimokoa's arm, under a bone-crushing swipe. Yeah, we twisted!
BAM- KABOOM- BOOM, BOOM! Wait. Oh. Holy shit. When Shimokoa's big sword hit Marisa's house, the fucking roof caved in. The entire roof's now just slanted towards us…!
Well, if Marisa was home, we'd probably know by now!
When I'm around the back of Marisa's house, I skid along the snow with my boots.
Clack! Jumping off the floor, I ascend over the crumblin house entirely. Okay- Alice's, this way. She's always home! Do I wanna get her home blown up? Better question: do I want to die not trying? I think not!
Shimokoa's whole body reels back, standing amidst the still-crumbling wreckage of Marisa's roof beneath me. She lets out a sheer, primal roar.
"HAA- AAA- AAH!" Oh god. Why was that so loud? Oh fuck-
WHIRR! The whine of air comes from behind me. I keep accelerating, heart bouncing so damn hard.
I thrust myself past a tree.
CLACK- SMACK- KRACK! Her huge fuck sword meets the bark of said tree-
WHIRR- KAKRACK- SMACKRACK- KRAKRUNCH! Oh no she's going through the fucking tree.
BAM- BOOM- SMACK- BOOM- KRAKRAAACK! With many rapid, monolithic smacks, Shimokoa carves a new path through the fuckin' giant tree I went past.
When I'm fully past the monolithic magic tree, I hear an ear-deafening roar. My body cringes as I keep going through the canopy. Disturbed flakes flutter down between the shuddering leaves, the impact of the destruction behind me like a disturbance in an ocean.
"Stop-" Shimokoa roars at me! "RUNNING!"
"Why!?" I yell out, as if it matters!
...Soon, after Shimokoa just kinda lets me progress, I reach Alice's lawn.
"What do you mean why!? Moron!"
Shimokoa is already in Alice's lawn for no reason.
She runs straight ahead at me, body leaned forward, eyes glowing with monstrous light.
She grinds her heels into the snow, cutting even the dirt beneath it with her sandals, giant fuckoff sword ready. She's winding up a huge attack.
Since Alice's lawn is clear of shit, I can ascend through the falling snow.
See, that's the good part about being in the open snow! I can literally just go swimmin'! I'm able to hold a Zoom meeting!
WHIRWHIRWHIRWHIR! Shimokoa does an immeasurably retarded spin technique beneath me, stirring up a small whirlwind in the process. "Hue- hahaha~!"
Already stirred into action, many dolls emerge from the undisturbed snow, ready to defend the property!
BA- BANG! What- was that a shotgun I heard!? Wait-
I look back for a moment, and fuckin' yes in fact Shimokoa just has an ice-forged shotgun.
BA- BANG! It fires ice. That's why she hasn't shot me with it yet- it's an ice elemental weapon. She knows her resistances now.
Doll parts go aflutter in the snowy wind, as Shimokoa gets distracted with the dolls. "I'll break these toys!"
Well, uh, have fun with that! With any luck she'll get aggro'd onto Alice and Alice'll just plunderize her for being uppity.
Shootin' on forward, I continue for the Hakurei trail, so I can get my ass into the village. If she follows me into the freakin' village then I dunno, we can have a good time jumpstarting the housing economy!
I'm just about outta the woods. Do I wanna be outta the woods? I don't know, actually…
Crunch, crunch- CRUNCH CRUNCH! Oh, Shimokoa isn't that retarded. She gave up on the doll war and took off after me, I hear her on my trail.
"Your time-" I hear her inhale.
Woosh- WOOSHWOOSHWOOSH! She ascends somewhere way up in the air overhead.
"-has COME!"
I look back.
WOOSHWOOSHWOOSHWOOSH! Descending as a giant, whirling air wheel of death, Shimokoa homes in on my position, as if to just kill me without me havin' a chance.
That is, if I kept trying to move away.
Doing a U-turn, I face the whirling vertical death cyclone head-on, and move towards it but at a forty-ish degree angle-
She changed her angle sharply to try and track me as I passed. But, not only did she not hit me, she lost all her momentum.
THOOM- THUNK! She misses by like a meter, even if it doesn't feel like it. The floor explodes as if it got fuckin' artillery'd again! "Aaagh!" She yells as if taking physical damage from her sheer frustration.
"Rrgh! Fucker! Fuck you! Sleaze!"
In this moment, I look back and see her furrowed brows, her luminescent eyes, and her actually stressed features. The shade hiding her face has been lost in the chase.
She's in full control of her personal safety, I can tell ya that much! She's entirely safe trying to engage me now. She knows she can kill me. She's not here to duel me over Genkan, she's here to just pulverize me…!
I'm out of the forest. Still facing her, I let my boots bring me backwards, towards the village along the path.
Ooh. Shimokoa's running in the same way someone might run in a sped-up VHS tape. It- it's weirdly terrifying! Ooh boy- she's comin'!
Fwi- Click! With both the Bawmber and Red Scare out now, I aim both at 'er. "Outrun- this!"
Papapapapapap! I try unloadin' them all onto her, darts ablazin'.
BOOM- PAP- BOOM- BOOM- FWAM- BOOM! The blasts envelop her fruitlessly. She has her shield up high- she still has that huh? Just has it out all of a sudden!
I can see her face, the shade dispelled, the blasts blowing back her bangs and lighting it up. Her expression is hungry. Focused, angry, and decidedly all-beast.
But as we keep truckin' towards the village, she slows.
"I can't kill you. Not like this." Ooh?
As I float back towards the village's gates, Shimokoa keeps running, but doesn't act.
"You'd better live the rest of your life in there. Wherever you go, whenever you go-... I'll be there. I'll kill you. I'll take your violence, your rape and evil- and I'll eat you whole. I'll swallow your soul. I'll take it ALL!"
She stops as I strafe back.
"Out here- only the strong- SURVIVE!" Shimokoa reels back, and roars into the air.
...Slowing as I retreat, I call out to her! "Didja say- you were gonna take my ape!?"
...Shimokoa pauses, and roars back! "Whaat!?"
"What did you say!? Take my ape!?"
"Rape! I said rape!"
"A~pe!?"
"Yes! Rape!"
"No! Ape!"
Shimokoa appears in front of me.
KABOOM! I jab the Bawmber into her gut to send myself flailin' away! "Ouh- nn-"
Shimokoa had thrust her arm up to try and crush my head- but thankfully I was not grabbed by the stinky hand! Got away quick enough. Poking her eyes wouldn't've worked twice.
Clack! Oohf! I hit the village gate with my back…
...I look at the guard.
Clack- clack, clack, clack! He's already reeling the gate open, he knows.
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
Man. I can't believe Shimokoa's gonna take my ape. Do fluffles count as apes? She's gonna steal my fluffle…
"Well." I crack my neck. Man. Today's gonna be fun. I can already feel it in my adrenal glands!
I'm on the walk ta Maria's place, headin' on up north mainstreet.
It's still snowing fiercely. Man, what a feel. My whole body's shaking. It's like I just evaded multiple car crashes. Fucking… these boots are to die for. Literally!
As I pass the Golden Grin, a certain someone is suddenly just walkin' alongside me.
Maribel. She's holdin' up a book, like an asshole.
"Poor, poor Bradley." Oh, she totally knows what's up. "You look like you've seen a ghost, dude."
I give 'er a look. "Dude. Someone tried to take my ape. I don't wanna lose a fluffle dude."
Maribel smiles and plays along. "I thought a fluffle was like a kappa."
"Dude. If we evolved from monkeys…" When I look to the alley between Maria's house and the Golden Grin, I gesture to the fluffles that're milling about there! "Why're there still monkeys, duuude!?"
When I look back at Maribel, she's covered in fluffles!
"...I guess fluffles act like monkeys." Maribel considered this! This is good. "Well- whatever." She starts plucking the fluffles off herself! "Nnh." She tosses one down and punts it!
After a moment, she gives up, conceding to letting them climb all over her. She looks over at me. "So, Brad…"
"Yo."
"Are you in trouble?"
...I give her anotha' look. Yeah, I see the con yer runnin' here.
"I don't think so!" Yeah man. I selected the 'no' option.
With that, I keep movin'. Maria's place is right there.
"To be tracked by a starving beast." Maribel starts speakin' behind me before I approach the door. "Isn't that just horrible?"
Oh no. "All the fish in my Insaniquarium fish tank were eaten. Those bastards."
...Maribel continues after a moment! "If you die outside the village, Genkan and Maria are the only two who will care. Not even the Hakurei maiden will think of you. Death of humans, even outsiders, outside this wall is an unfortunate fact of life."
I look over at 'er.
She continues to smile! "It doesn't matter what your dreams are. If you're in the belly of some youkai, they have no value. If Shimokoa smites you to appease her own metaphorical hunger, you'll have no value."
Well, that's always been the admission price, hasn't it?
"Rape and pillagement, Brad. Do I ring any bells?"
"No. I don't have no bells to ring. Church is cancelled, it's New Years."
"Oh." Maribel slouches! "Wait- no. Look, I'll give it to you straight. I saw what happened. Do you want my help?"
The fluffles climbing on her stare at me judgmentally. What, who're you. I'm gonna beat them up, dude.
Eeeh. "What's in it for you?" I don't know if I trust you!
"I don't ask for anything." Maribel smiled a cute sorta smile. She's a cute girl. "Just your hand."
Uh huh. "I'll think on it. Assume the answer's no."
"I wouldn't want you to die for no reason." Maribel keeps goin'! "I think it's horrible too. The things she said."
"Right?" Facin' Merry, I nod and smile, to be personable!
Maribel visibly relaxes. "Don't you think it's horrible? ...That it's-... so stupid?"
"Yeah, she wants to take my ape." I hold my arms up! "An' I told her, I don't got an ape! But she wouldn't listen!"
Maribel smiles. It visibly shifts from natural to 'patient'. I give 'er a big dumb smile back!
An' then she makes a request! "Would you shut up and take this seriously?"
"No."
Y'know, now that I think about it… "Weren't you trying to kill me earlier too!?"
Maribel grins. "I mean, yeah. I was getting greedy. It seemed like the perfect time, to do what I wanted to do."
"So why the heck'd I trust you?" I ask 'er!
Maribel half-glares right into my eyes. "'Cause… letting you die to something random and then taking you… would have no meaning. It's something I could do, yeah. But… I do kinda want it to be your decision. A result of your actions. Whether you're right or wrong.
"I'm not petty enough to be happy with a victory by technicality." Maribel smiled at me. "I know losing things that matter to you like that... scares you. 'Cause it has no meaning."
...Well. Aren't you somethin'? Pretty sure that's an observation that goes without saying. But then ya gotta come up and be all sideways.
I open Maria's door. "It's flat fuck Friday. Hey, where's Renko?" I turn to her!
"Nevermind." Maribel snarks at me! "If I killed you right now, it'd have all too much meaning." Wahaha!
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
"Oh. Hey, Brad!"
Maria beams at me when I enter the kitchen! "My mom's out doing some things. Which, um, yeah…"
She also looks awkward fer a moment. "It- it's gonna be awkward when she does… have to go. But, um, we'll get to that… I guess. We still have to take her down to Eientei, but we're thinking she'll be fine for like, a month, maybe."
Ho~h. "I think I'm gonna eat a fluffle."
"Don't do that." Maria nods. "So, um… you look kinda worn out."
"Oh, yeah. Worn like a coat. It's flat fuck Friday. I got fucked flat."
Maria just curls her brows up fer a moment! "...Oh. Man. You really have it made, with Genkan." Wait- that's not what I meant, oh shit!
I must clarify! "Even though Genkan will on occasion fuck me flat, I was not fucked flat in that way! I didn't mean ta make an innuendo!"
"Why- how'd the thought even occur to you…!?" Maria gets incredulous with me! "I don't think it's even Friday!"
Aaaaah, aaaah! ...Ho~h. Calming down, Maria looks at a nearby table. Man, human village homes are small. "Um. Take a seat, if you'd like…"
The seat: taken. Consider it. Acquired, seat!
"Oh- fuck-" I sit on it too weird and it skids onto the side and I fall with it!
CLACK! thud. "Ouh!"
"Brad, I said take a seat not freaking- do wrestling moves on it…" Wahaha!
Alright, now that my brain cells are slowly coming back to me- I have this very rude chair to thank for jostling my skull… now what?
"When'd your kimono get ripped?" Maria notices as I get back up!
"Ah, yeah. It was in a tobogganing accident." We'll have time to visit Alice later, I'm sure. That, and I could perhaps use resistance to stuff that isn't just ice!
"Tobogganing, huh." Maria nods in slightly confused approval. "What's a toboggan?"
"I dunno, don't ask me!"
"How'd you get in a tobogganing accident…!?"
Wait, if I go to the garage in my bag, will Shimokoa get deeply and profoundly confused as to where I went? ...Actually, is she cheating and always knows where I am, or is she just making her best guesses? For safety, I'm assuming the former…
Apparently she can't get me in save point locations. By which I mean, places she's too cowardly to take the fight to. She doesn't want to lose still, even if she's gung-ho about harassing me in particular. She's a lot smarter than she used to be, but only in terms of fighting! Specifically… hunting.
Hunter class. Aw, yeah. She, the hunter. I, the huntee…!
"Well, whatever." Maria gives up on her tobogganing hobby.
"Hey, Maria."I grin at 'er! "It's the hunter and the huntee, innit? S'that how the saying goes?"
"No, you idiot." I- I like how that question offended her that much. "It's the hunter and the hunted."
How does this exchange work with the language barrier? ...Y'know what, I'm not gonna worry 'bout it. There're bigger fish to fry. I'm sure Maria knows all about that.
Aw. "Hey, Maria, do you have a box of cereal?"
"No." Ouh. "Cereal sucks." Aw, yeah.
How the fuck are we gonna deal with Shimokoa…!? She's gonna be a pain in the ass until we do somethin'!
"Hey, Maria." I look at her. "If you were being hunted, what would you do?"
"Kill them." Maria's reply is really prompt for some reason! "If- if I could. Maybe. Wait, who's hunting who?"
"Just wondering!" That was a bad lie, Brad, whaddaya doin'.
"You're lying." Damn it! Man, that moment when your party's better at reading between lines than you are…! "Where'd this come from?"
...Well! I raise a finger. "Well, ya see. On my way here… you know Shimokoa?"
Maria leaned her head back. "Ooh, yeah. Right. Genkan said you were sorta wigging out about that sorta stuff. Like, last night, she said she was scared you'd get… well, too scared."
Um, yeah, about that…! "Oh? Yeah, funny story!"
"Look, Brad." Maria gives me a big smile. "Just point, and I'll shoot. I-... I don't want it to sound weird, but I'd do anything to protect you. You've… helped make my life way better than it would've been. To think this all happened, like… 'cause I just decided to go with you guys, that day. I forget how long ago it was. It's probably been a month, but it feels like forever."
You know, if you guys are so confident I'm wiggin' out, I'm half-tempted to have us run out and fight the big war so they can see exactly what I'm worried about… but then Maria goes and amends it with cute stuff and it's like… ouh.
Here's like… the big problem. I'm pretty sure one clean hit from that big steel whatever of Shimokoa's will probably instantly nuke almost any one of us. And she can just keep, on, doing it. Also, the shotgun.
If we get help, I'm sure she'll just run away. Wow, I just realized, it's like dealing with an asshole in real life. Society can't help ya! Only you can help you.
None of us know physical damage reduction to any capacity. That'd probably help make the fight bearable. Man!
"Don't worry, Brad." Maria poked at me! "It's not like you. There's nothing to be afraid of."
Ooh, man, I dunno man! "If you say so!" I say that in such an ironically energized way that I'm not sure how she'll take it!
"...Well, good." She decides face-value is the most efficient response. "Is Genkan coming?"
"Yeah, she's busy scrubbing her kimonos while naked, presumably." Yeah man.
"...Goo- good!" Maria nods in half-belief! "Mmn." With that, she kinda zones out, relaxing.
Wonder when Genkan'll show up. That's when the ball will really get rollin'.
"Hey, Maria. Do you have deodorant?" Random question, I know!
...Maria cringes back. "Um. Why? Do- do I smell?"
I shake my head! "No, I wanna smell good!"
"...Oh. Well. Um." Maria smiles awkwardly. "I- I guess you can use ours. Me and my mom, um, share one…" I'm more surprised that this village produces deodorant. Or, well, imports it, more likely. I guess it's a necessity when water is fuckin' rare half the time.
Maria moves. Ho~h.
I just wait. I wait as long as it takes, all like two minutes of her moving up the munted stairway to get me the D.O.
Maria brings it down. What brand is it? No brand. It's the 'we live in a third world country' brand!
"You do, um, stink sometimes." Maria admits! "No offense. Not that it really bothers anyone. I'm pretty sure Hana even gets off on it." Somehow. Girls are weird, I don't understand.
I take the canister of D.O.
Clack. Swinging the front door of Maria's house open, I step outside.
Maribel is just vibing out here, as if waiting for me.
"Say the line." I demand of her.
"...Wha- what?" Maribel looks confused!
Alright, I'll just have to make her say it. "D'you think some powerful D.O. would block Shimokoa for sixteen hours?"
...Maribel blinks at me! "What the hell did you just say to me?" Wait, fuck, I need access to a gap to make the joke correctly!
"Merry, listen closely. I'll only say this once." I need this. "Stand with me, facing the road."
...Lips pursed, Maribel does as she's told, standing with me, facin' the road!
"Open a gap to your left, make it come out at my right, shoulder height."
...Maribel makes the gap. "Um. Okay?"
An' then I look at her. "Do you think I can beat Shimokoa with the power of good D.O?" I hold up the deodorant in case the acronym is too much.
...Merry just beholds the deodorant. "Freaking-... no. Just, no. Dude. That's not even gonna block her for one second, let alone sixteen hours."
"What!" I punch the deodorant through the gap!
wap. It gently punches into the side of Merry's face! "Wh- aah!" Wahaha!
"This one does, noob!" Yeah, get owned! "Noobie girl!"
Merry turns to me, angry! "Brad- you-"
Clack. I shut Maria's front door.
bam, bam, bam. Maribel knocks a few times! ...An' then she kinda just resigns herself, giving up.
I give Maria back her deodorant. "I've decided I don't want it anymore. It was not the product I was looking for."
Maria is deeply confused. "What just happened. What did you even do with it. Who was that?" Did she not hear or see? Wait, Merry was outside, she probably didn't get visual.
"Uuh. Golden Grin stay-at-home stripper plan!" Yeah! "They've got bimbos to go now! Door to door!"
"What. No!" Maria's horrified at the thought! "That's-... ew. That's kinda gross…"
"Yeah, exactly." Yeah man.
Knock, knock. Uh oh. Someone new.
Maria sighs, and pushes me aside. "Look, lemme handle it…"
Creak! "If you're a stripper, go away!" Maria announces before opening it fully!
Genkan was at the door. She blinks, slightly dumbfounded by the accusation!
Maria turns to me. My mouth just kinda hangs open because oh my god.
"Brad, I'm gonna beat you up…" Maria gives me a forlorn look. She just kinda leans onto one leg and sighs, and just looks up at me all like: "I'm really gonna clobber you."
"Mmm…" Genkan speaks up! "Maria, um… outside your house-"
"Just come inside." Maria fans for Genkan to come in. "That's just a stripper. Don't worry about them."
...Genkan looks at Maribel. Maribel slouches, depleted.
"I'll take your word for it." Genkan proceeds inside, and closes the door!
...After a quiet, comfy moment, Genkan tackles the elephant in the room. "Why was Maribel out there?"
"Huh?" Maria's confused! "...Wait! Maribel's a stripper now…!?"
...Genkan stares down Maria judgingly. Maria instantly catches on. "Wait. Dang it! Brad…!"
"Woohaha~!" Y'know, even I'm kinda surprised that got her! "Yeah man!"
Genkan shakes her head. "Your inhaling laugh is always strange." Oh. Right, do I ever detail that? Probably not. Sometimes I kinda inhale when I chuckle and make like a throaty clicking sound instead. It sounds retarded when I explain it in prose, but it'd sound a lot more natural vocalized, I swear!
"A good strange or a bad strange?" I wonder~.
"...Good strange." Genkan smiles. "I'm not sure where to place it. ...I think it's cute. Something about the face you make when you do it."
Wait, what. "How?"
"What do you mean, how?" Genkan shook her head! "That's a question neither of us know how to answer, and you know it."
Damn. She's right. Something something instinct…
"You're cute when you do it, and that's that." Genkan has made her decision. "...Normally, I feel like I'm conceding something when I give you praise for nothing, but… you do need the attention."
Oh? "Do I…?"
"You've been stressed recently," Genkan figured, "so… mmn." Oh. I see~. Wait. Is there an implication that she has a lot of other little things she appreciates that she just doesn't vocalize? ...Already kinda knew that instinctually, but the other side of my brain's just now coming to terms with this idea.
Well, that's nice and all, but we're still gonna get party-wiped if we walk outside without a plan!
In the end, Genkan's question about Maribel was never answered, lost to the asshole of time. It really just do be like that.
Anyway. The boat. That's probably the most critical thing I'm thinkin' of…
Takin' my bag, I start to raise it! "Yo- help me expand the bag. I need to see how my sweet new hotrod is doing."
"Never call something a hotrod again." I like how Genkan hardly knows what a car is and she finds the terminology cursed.
"I'll try not to!"
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
Aah, yes. The garage. Bleary lights, and distant low-poly rock architecture. Wait, no, it's real life detail, it's just too far and unlit for me to see it well. We're not in Kiyoko's pain dimension.
Daily reminder for everyone not keepin' up with the keep ups: I made a ship called the S.S. BONER! It can theoretically be unleashed from the fly zipper that is my bag of holding… which is where we are. The portable garage dimension.
"Woow…" Ha-chan, you weren't even in the last scene, where the hell'd you come from. Ah, well. You're cute, so you get a pass…
"This isn't the first time you've seen this." Genkan criticizes 'er!
"I know, but it's still so big!" Ha-chan is in mild awe!
Maria chips in to criticize too! "...Dang it, I'm torn. I have two jokes I want to make."
Ooh. "Make both."
"Make none." Genkan suggests the opposite! "Make the good one."
Maria smiles wider. "Uum." The more you stall, the more it deprecates! Act now, Maria! "Good is subjective…"
"Ooo." Ha-chan turns around and beams down at Maria. "What kinda joke is it?"
"I- I was gonna say…" Maria grins. "That exchange you two had, is it-... one you have often in bed with Brad, too?"
...Genkan nods. "You picked the wrong one. You will not survive the winter."
"Uh oh." Maria snorts! "I- I forgot the wording, so it sounded a lot better in my head!"
"I know the feeling!" Yeehaw! "Also, Ha-chan hardly knows what a dick is, so she can't have penis awe."
...I- I like the ultra-flat look Genkan just gave me. Maria actually has another embarrassed reaction like in the previous weeks!
Actually! "Y'know, y'coulda just said, 'that's what she said'!" Wait- I've made a mistake!
"Neither of you will survive the winter." Genkan declares! "I am the storm that is approaching." Woah no…!
Alright- let's get the show rollin', what's goin' on with this ship here? Arr.
Click! Flickin' my gravity boots, I hover on up to the deck. The hull seems about complete…
The hydro-cannons are in the right places. Flandre's wing slots are in the right places. The mast is set up, the stereos established, the battery power core along the back, the waterproofed computer system on the upper deck…
Y'might wonder why a ship propelled by anything but wind needs a mast. And, indeed, it doesn't have sails! Just a crow's nest. You're gonna find out later…!
So~...
Oh. Huh.
Flandre's lying on the deck, scribbling on a coloring book. "...Oh, hey!" She waves at me! "There you are. I thought you were gonna come play with me the other day, but you didn't."
Was I? I don't even remember. "I was too busy being brutalized by cosmic background radiation. As I am known to be!"
Flan snorts! "...I guess so. Anyway, your boat thing's like, done! Kinda funny that you show up now. The kappa are like, just about done with the- well, not just about done, they are done. The wiring's done!"
Hoh. Flan stands up, usin' her arms to leap onto her legs. "Nn. I kinda helped keep watch, and stuff. Checked up on it." She must be really excited for it!
I still gotta set up the harpoon cannon. But that can come later, I don't think… I mean, we might need the god harpoon for Shimokoa, but… I dunno. S'not like we got time to really go do that.
Will going back to Genkan's ice cave be safe like this? Will sleeping there be safe like this now? ...Even if so, chances are we're gonna get into an unavoidable surprise scripted sneak attack come from behind battle with Shimokoa once we leave the designated safe zones.
"Thinkin' of takin' this thing out on a test ride today." I suppose! "Would you be up for engine duty?"
...Flandre snaps to attention, and salutes! "Aye, aye! Oh, maybe with this we could actually go camping and succeed!"
Aw, yeah. "Mission: succeed at camping."
"Yeah!" Flandre claps her hands once, really loudly! "Where're we gonna camp…? We're gonna have to park it. I dunno if the hull will always hold up on certain landings."
Was it not made fer that? "Is it not made fer that?"
"I dunno, that's why I'm asking you." Flandre gives me a big smile! "Oh, whatever."
She packs up her crayons and coloring book. "I gotta go tell my sister! She wants to be on the BONER for the first time!" Yeah man!
"Don't. Stop." Genkan brought Maria up here onto the deck with us!
"Don't stop? Cool, 'cause I'm not stopping!" Flandre agrees with her! "Be right ba~ck!"
Flandre is gone, man. "I meant… oh well." Genkan resigns herself, becoming passive.
Turnin' back to them, I move! "Alright, let's get back outside and look fer a place to sail it! Like, the lake!" Yeah, man.
Genkan promptly raises a good point. "It's a blizzard outside. Should we really go sailing?"
"Yes." Yeah, man. "Don't worry, yo. I'm sure it's pretty elementally fortified!" Against the weather, at least.
click. Flickin' my gravity boots again, I already take for the freakin'... exit to the bag dimension in front of the ship itself.
"Yeah, man! Let's go!" It's time to unleash the yeast.
==== FREAKIN GENSOKYO ====
END OF CHAPTER 116
NEW SKILLS (MARIA):
Barrier - Non-elemental spell, which was actually a technological function of an Eientei military protocol used for aircraft computers. Grants the party 50% resistance to magical damage in general. Deprecates by 5% every minute. Magic damage depletes the effectivity of the buff, shaving off a vague % depending on damage taken. Physical damage has no interaction with it.
Stop - Time-elemental spell. Stops time for a single enemy or a group of weak enemies. Effectivity scales with power of foe, quickly dropping off to be entirely useless on meaningful opponents.
AUTHOR'S NOTE:
hello happy new year! this chapter actually takes place on the 30th of december if i remember right
y'know, it's funny, i released that one batch last christmas… and this batch is just now rolling around to the next new year!
FG brad graduates to 2016 this time dude, yeah woohoo
this chapter was brad's sneak peak feature preview of a long-building conflict
next chapter son we're gonna see SOME SHIT
that said, this chapter in particular took more words to be what it is than i anticipated; probably because we fought and nearly got murdered by freakin' mario
don't worry mario's the kind to spare sentient beings, or rather, mario himself doesn't even try but the mario universe doesn't allow some things to die (meanwhile goombas are genocided) yeah man
as always, see you all next time!
