I do not own any of the internet personalities or memes presented in this story.
The Internet Police: Year in Review
Resolutions, Part 2
"Minnesota. The Land of 10,000 Lakes. Home to the Twin Cities of Minneapolis and St. Paul. And the most boring ass state in America," remarked a blonde woman.
It was in the faraway land of Bloomington, Minnesota that a blonde woman known as Jennxpenn was reading through a brochure of the Land of 10,000 Lakes. She was an Internet Police agent stationed in the Mall of America on an important mission of preventing the Weathervanes from overtaking it, which she evidently failed to stop. Stripped of her portable device that would allow her to post her feelings to the internet, she resorted to using a mirror to serve as a camera that would transmit her thoughts to a pretend global audience. Initially vlogging about the unremarkable state of Minnesota, Jennxpenn decided to shift her viral rants towards the woman she had extreme hatred for: HurricaneAubrey.
"In order to prove my worth to that uptight witch HurricaneAubrey, the Nostalgia Critic convinced me to take a solo mission at the Mall of America. I was given a segway and had to patrol the Mall of America watching boring Minnesotans go shopping. I assume this was HurricaneAubrey's idea of a cruel joke, reassigning me to this hellhole in the north. When I repeatedly complained to the Critic about being reduced to a mall cop, he gave me an even better position: fast food worker at Chunky's Chicken," said Jennxpenn.
Jennxpenn quickly lowered and raised her mirror to emulate the jump cuts that frequently accompanied her internet videos.
"HurricaneAubrey must have been sleeping with the Critic, and during their nightly training sessions, she convinced him to humiliate me by giving me a shitty job under the pretext of spying on the Weathervanes while preparing drumsticks for the dumb Minnesotans," spoke Jennxpenn with loathing. "Maybe if HurricaneAubrey wasn't so bitchy towards me, I would have been more prepared to defend this craphole from the Weathervanes. Instead, we are forced to paint the Mall of America's walls black under the notion of apologizing for America's crimes against minorities. It's their nonsensical beliefs that made me leave them in the first place."
Once again, Jennxpenn made a swift motion of her mirror.
"I sometimes wished I wasn't tempted to join the Internet Police after losing my fabulous Los Angeles lifestyle," said Jennxpenn sadly.
"Are you done talking to yourself?! Martin Luther King Jr. didn't talk to himself when he fought against the white people for their crimes against African Americans. Of all the days of the year, you chose to distract yourself from painting the Mall of America black on Martin Luther King Jr. Day. Shame on you white woman!" shouted the white woman named College Liberal. "If you don't start painting the walls black, I'll castrate the first man I lay my eyes on!"
Jennxpenn saw all the male prisoners cross their legs as an instinctive defense mechanism against what College Liberal planned to do to them. Not wanting any more trouble, Jennxpenn went back to painting the walls black. She tried not to look at the Weathervanes members as they wore black attire and held white guns in their hands.
"Nice going, young lady," said a skinny man dressed in a khaki work uniform emblazoned with the logo of a company known as Lightning Fast VCR Repair. "You've been causing bad luck for Mike and me since you served us cold and burnt Chunky's Chicken pieces. We needed a good old meal from Chunky's Chicken for the VCR convention at the Mall of America."
"Who uses VCRs nowadays? That's such an ancient piece of technology that even the ancient Egyptians wouldn't use," said Jennxpenn mockingly.
"And this is why, Jay, movies made by Michael Bay's production companies make millions of dollars. Because of people like her who just want shiny and explosive imagery," said Mike with a blue Lightning Fast VCR Repair work uniform.
Jennxpenn realized she was in between two men named Mike and Jay. As the three of them were painting the wall in front of them black, the two men decided to address Jennxpenn's lack of respect for VCRs.
"VCRs don't require all that complex programming for it to work. You just pop in the video tape and the movie just plays. No need to deal with establishing unnecessary settings and decrypting mindless instructions that come with today's entertainment systems," said Jay.
"What about plugging in the VCR to the television and the power outlet itself? Aren't you forgetting that step?" asked Jennxpenn.
"At least that's the most difficult part of installing a VCR. Instead, we have to spend countless hours unraveling cords and movie players that require incomprehensible codes to work," said Jay.
"I assume you repaired a bunch of VCRs to back up such statements regarding the VCR's superior over more modern forms of movie players," said Jennxpenn.
Mike and Jay gave silent looks at each other as if they were hiding something. Undeterred by Jennxpenn's piercing question, Mike decided to change the subject.
"I bet your generation loved the Back to the Future remake that bombed despite your efforts to make it a hit," said Mike. "Tell me, are you also excited for the Bill and Ted remake that will feature Wilma and Theodora traveling through time and space while dealing with modern high school issues?"
"What's wrong with having more female representation in movies? What is so bad about updating a film from the oppressive year of 1989 to reflect more progressive times?" said Jennxpenn.
"Have you seen the previews on the internet? They missed the entire point of Bill and Ted by portraying their female counterparts being involved in such compelling high school drama like getting prom dates and following the latest viral trends. I think they only cover the time-traveling elements of the franchise at the very end of the previews," said Mike.
"I saw the preview for the Bill and Ted remake, and I liked that Wilma and Theodora got all the historical women to tell the male population of their school that women can do anything men can do," replied Jennxpenn.
"First off, the previews essentially spoiled the ending of the movie. Secondly, the original Bill and Ted was a simple comedy involving two teenage boys having a rocking good time through history. There was no need for a forced message pandering to the female demographic. Lastly, there was hardly any time traveling or jokes in the previews. What's the point of remaking Bill and Ted if they're going to betray so much of what made the original so great? Why not rename the movie Wilma and Theodora if the movie was going to be something entirely different?" explained Jay.
"Because greedy Hollywood executives needed older audiences like us to be suckered in by nostalgia and sentimentality for the original movie," said Mike. "That's how they maximize their profits."
"Hollywood is out of ideas for original material, and has to resort to strip mining our childhoods to make movies," said Jay.
"What's next, a remake of Gremlins involving bullshit CGI instead of lifelike animatronics and puppets?" said Mike with a depressed look on his face.
"Or a remake of the 1980s sitcom Small Wonder," said Jay. "I heard they're remaking Small Wonder as a romantic sitcom involving a robotic teenage girl dealing with real life issues like dating and attending prom that every teenage girl must face."
"Fuck," said Mike simply.
"The Small Wonder remake might be good," said Jennxpenn. "They could make it into a compelling teen drama as a contrast from the cheesiness of the original 1980s version."
"Less talking and more painting!" shouted College Liberal as she summoned her Weathervane members to march menacingly closer to Mike, Jay, and Jennxpenn.
Mike and Jay immediately became silent. They sighed as they continued painting the walls black. As a final statement on where Jennxpenn stood on the issue of remakes, Mike whispered his closing thoughts.
"I bet you're also going to justify the existence of the Star Wars prequels by citing the 108-page Phantom Menace rebuttal against Mr. Plinkett. Typical of your generation," said Mike. "I could really use a Milwaukee beer right now."
Jennxpenn was unsure with how to respond to Mike's criticism of her out loud in the presence of College Liberal and the Weathervanes eyeing her closely.
"Mike and Jay are almost as bad as HurricaneAubrey," thought Jennxpenn as she continued painting the walls black with a paint roller.
On the roof of the Mall of America, the Internet Police agents the Nostalgia Critic, the Angry Video Game Nerd, and HurricaneAubrey were filling their paintball guns with black and white paint.
"HurricaneAubrey. Survey the Mall through the glass roof and tell us what you see," said the Nerd as his breath was seen through the cold Minnesotan air.
HurricaneAubrey crept over the glass ceiling and saw the Weathervanes forcing their prisoners to paint the Mall of America black, with work now being started on painting the floor entirely black.
"The prisoners are just about done with the walls, and are going to start redecorating the floor and the ceiling," summarized HurricaneAubrey.
"We better move quickly if we're going to surprise the Weathervanes with our idea of a color war," said the Critic.
"Good thing Greendale Community College allowed us to borrow these high-class paintball guns for the purpose of liberating the Mall of America from the Weathervanes," said the Nerd.
"Why couldn't we invite our Greendale buddies to join us in a paintball war with the Weathervanes?" asked HurricaneAubrey. "I would have loved to have the Nerd and me reunite with Abed and Rachel as a Band of Siblings saving the Mall of America."
"I think they had enough action to last them a lifetime during the Great Schism of America," commented the Nerd. "And besides, they are busy establishing themselves as serious filmmakers in Hollywood, where they can enjoy action scenes that doesn't involve a high risk of serious injury or death."
"At least they would be better partners than the one I'm stuck with," lamented HurricaneAubrey.
"Why don't you want to give Jennxpenn a chance, HurricaneAubrey?" asked the Critic. "You remember how you and I didn't get along until we got to know each other on a more personal level after the Second War."
"And I believe you know all about my legendary duel with the Critic during the course of the First War," said the Nerd. "If we can overcome our differences to make reviews about Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, then I'm sure you and Jennxpenn can become what the female population call BFFs."
"Not after what happened in Oregon," said HurricaneAubrey as she flashed back to a mission that was both a success and a failure.
In HurricaneAubrey's flashback, three Internet Police agents were waiting for a gas attendant to finish pumping gas into their car, with this event taking place in the darkness of early morning. Unusually, it was not the Critic and the Nerd who were traveling with HurricaneAubrey. It was Jennxpenn and Hardcore Kid, the latter being a top performing agent who wore sunglasses to complement his leather jacket. As HurricaneAubrey and Hardcore Kid were planning their rescue mission, Jennxpenn was reading a guidebook on Oregon, but much to HurricaneAubrey and Hardcore Kid's chagrin, she was not reading for strategic purposes.
"Oregon. The Beaver State. Home of Portland, the City of Roses. And is a boring ass state," said Jennxpenn with a sigh of impatience. "When will that gas attendant finish filling up the car? I want to get out of this state as soon as possible?"
"You do realize we're trying to save Oregon. You should be lucky that we're in one of the few states that require gas to be pumped by a gas attendant. If we were in pretty much any other state in America, then I would force you to pump the gas as an exercise in humility," said Hardcore Kid. "Of course, girls of your generation would probably be too dumb to operate a gas pump."
"Do you think you can talk crap about me while wearing a leather jacket and sunglasses in the dark? It doesn't make you look cool. It makes you look pathetic," countered Jennxpenn.
"At least I didn't bring about the downfall of Nickelodeon like you and Fred Figglehorn did," said Hardcore Kid.
"Settle down you two!" shouted HurricaneAubrey from the driver's seat. "We're all on the same team. The gas attendant is almost done. With a full tank of gas, we'll be able to drive without interruption to our destination in the Willamette Valley."
"Can you tell me why we're going to Willamette Valley?" asked Jennxpenn.
"What did I tell you? Typical dumb blonde," said Hardcore Kid as the gas attendant was finished filling up the car.
Trying to suppress her frustration of Jennxpenn's ignorance of their assignment, HurricaneAubrey explained their Oregon mission while driving the car to their destination.
"You see Jennxpenn. There was a Pokémon convention in Portland, Oregon, and apparently, several Pokémon fans were kidnapped by people dressed up in early 19th century pioneer clothing. Hardcore Kid and I deduced that these kidnappers were Oregon Trail role-players who took their hobby extremely seriously. Their goal is to convince Oregonians to return back to their pioneering roots of traveling on oxen-driven wagons and rubbing snow on frostbites. They claim it builds character. These pioneers would like nothing more than to remove the supposedly filthy Asiatic traits of the Pokémon fans," explained HurricaneAubrey.
"Will we finally be doing something exciting after training in the art of reciting world capitals?" questioned Jennxpenn.
"If exciting is taking down Oregon Trail pioneers with what we have stuffed in the car's trunk, then yes," answered HurricaneAubrey.
"What did we stuff back there again?" asked Jennxpenn.
"A buffalo, and not the one with wings," said HurricaneAubrey.
Somewhere in an isolated spot of the Willamette Valley, a collection of wagons were surrounding tied-up Pokémon fans struggling to get out, with the Oregon Trail role-players not faring better as they were eating bacon for the umpteenth time.
"Bacon for breakfast, bacon for lunch, and bacon for dinner. When will it end?" said a female Oregon Trail role-player as she chewed the bacon with displeasure.
"What's the matter? Are you tempted to join these Orientals in their vegetarian ways? We're frontiersmen, and we only eat meat. We only need bacon to survive in the wilderness," said a male pioneer.
"At least being Pokémon fans doesn't involve restricting your diet," said a soft-spoken but bold female Pokémon fan. "You only eat bacon? No wonder all of you are succumbing to scurvy."
All the pioneers, some of whom had scurvy, looked at this woman with surprise.
"And who may you be?" asked one of the pioneers.
"I am simply known as TamashiiHiroka," said the courageous woman, who was an avid video gamer and one of the most devoted Pokémon fan on the internet.
"What do you know about surviving the Oregon Trail?" said a male pioneer in a condescending tone. "Have you ever played the classic Oregon Trail computer game?"
"As a matter of fact, I did when I was growing up. Now I don't claim to be an expert in surviving the Oregon Trail, but even I knew that eating only bacon was a recipe for disaster. And also, I didn't waste my time shooting everything in my sight when traveling the trail. Tell me, how many animals have you managed to kill with your archaic rifles?" said TamashiiHiroka.
None of the pioneers were willing to answer that question, prompting TamashiiHiroka to smile.
"I'm assuming zero. That's probably why you had to rob stores for bacon. I don't think pioneers did that back in your good old days of the trail. What's wrong with eating berries? It would certainly be more authentic. Not action-packed enough I presume?" stated TamashiiHiroka.
"Watch your tongue woman!" yelled a male pioneer.
"You do realize that hunting animals involves more than just slamming your keyboard or clicking the mouse button. You just got lucky in kidnapping us when you cheated by using a truck to bring us here when you knocked us unconscious at the convention. So how respectful are you really with being a part of the Oregon Trail?" said TamashiiHiroka.
TamashiiHiroka's words caused hope to rise among the captured Pokémon fans while causing discord amongst the pioneers.
"You know what, screw this! I'm tired of eating bacon all day, seeing my friends getting scurvy, and I think I'm coming down with a case of dysentery," said a female pioneer.
"Don't worry about dysentery, you'll be fine," said a male pioneer.
"I could die!" yelled the female pioneer. "If you think I'm going to risk my life for this inconsistent pioneer life, then you're wrong! I'm going back to my air-conditioned home and getting the proper medical treatment that doesn't involve just whisky. Who's with me?"
TamashiiHiroka's initial arguments against the pioneers cascaded into an internal revolt amongst the pioneers, leading to three quarters of them going back to their life of modern conveniences. The remaining one quarter of pioneers were left wondering what to do next.
"You know, if we can hunt down a beast like a bison, then we can bring confidence back in those deserters," said a male pioneer.
"But I don't think American buffalos herds are roaming here," said the male pioneer with a sigh. "If there were buffalos, then we would easily take them down and restore our optimism."
As the sun rose on the Willamette Valley, the pioneers saw a wild animal off in the distance.
"What is that? A squirrel?" said one pioneer.
"A deer? A bear?" asked another pioneer.
"No. That's an American buffalo!" exclaimed one pioneer. "Let's shoot it with our rifles!"
The pioneers fired rounds upon rounds of bullets into the bison, but contrary to the natural order, the bison didn't fall to the ground. It remained upright as it stared blankly at the pioneers attempting to take it down. In the nearby trees, Jennxpenn, HurricaneAubrey, and the Hardcore Kid were staring at the fake buffalo they erected in front of the pioneer band. Through their binoculars, they saw the pioneers continually fire their rifles onto the buffalo. Further behind the pioneers, the three Internet Police agents saw the trapped Pokémon fans.
"We just need to wait until the pioneers run out of bullets, then we can attack them without risking our lives or that of the Pokémon fans," said HurricaneAubrey.
"But what if the pioneers figure out that the buffalo is fake before they run out of bullets?" asked Jennxpenn.
"Don't worry. They won't get close enough to figure out the buffalo is a fake. They wouldn't want to risk being gored by a wild buffalo," said Hardcore Kid. "HurricaneAubrey and I came up with this brilliant plan."
As HurricaneAubrey and Hardcore Kid watched as the buffalo was being struck with bullets, Jennxpenn was growing impatient as seconds turned into minutes. At the thirty minute mark, Jennxpenn didn't want to wait for minutes to turn into hours, and without warning, she charged towards the pioneers, armed only with a pistol. Jennxpenn knocked over the fake buffalo, resulting in the pioneers realizing that they had been tricked. Hardcore Kid rolled his eyes.
"Let's go save Jennxpenn," said HurricaneAubrey as she led Hardcore Kid into the ensuring battle.
From the perspective of TamashiiHiroka, she could barely see through the wagons that encircled her and her fellow Pokémon fans. All she knew was that the pioneers saw a buffalo (surprisingly wandering in this part of America) and were firing repeatedly into it. After about thirty minutes of steady firing, the pioneers had seen something and were firing more unpredictably and chaotically.
"Was it a bear or the local authorities?" thought TamashiiHiroka as she heard the sounds of the pioneers shouting incoherently at each other.
After a few minutes of loud noises, silence fell. TamashiiHiroka knew that victory had been won, but she didn't know which side had won. The silence soon gave way to footsteps.
"Obviously human," thought TamashiiHiroka. "But who won the battle?"
TamashiiHiroka braced for whoever was approaching the wagons surrounding the Pokémon fans. Much to her relief, it was a brunette woman dressed in modern clothing.
"Hello," said the brunette woman. "I'm here to rescue you."
Immediately behind the brunette woman were a blonde woman and a man wearing a leather jacket and sunglasses. After being untied by these three individuals, TamashiiHiroka and all the other Pokémon fans walked out of the enclosure of wagons and saw that all the remaining pioneers had been subdued by these three heroes.
"We did it," said the blonde woman.
"You did nothing but charge into battle without a clear plan, Jennxpenn," said the man with sunglasses and a leather jacket. "HurricaneAubrey and I came up with a foolproof idea that you messed up. We're lucky that nobody died when you fucked up."
"We could've gone straight into a full out assault on these pioneers when they weren't carrying rifles filled with bullets," said Jennxpenn. "Instead, they had fully armed rifles in their hands as they were firing upon a fake buffalo, increasing the risk of us getting killed."
"Well they would have run out of bullets if you hadn't lost patience. Guess your generation isn't used to waiting," countered Hardcore Kid.
"And how long would that have taken. A couple more hours?" retorted Jennxpenn. "They would have eventually known that the buffalo was a fake long before they ran out of bullets, and who knows what they would have done to the Pokémon fans when they realized they had been duped."
"I guess we'll never know what would've happened," said Hardcore Kid with a smug smile. "As these Pokémon fans can tell you, HurricaneAubrey and I saved them from certain doom when we dodged all the bullets coming at us."
"No. I did my part when I tackled that pioneer down just when he was about to shoot at HurricaneAubrey's head," said Jennxpenn.
"That pioneer tripped and was nowhere near HurricaneAubrey," said Hardcore Kid. "During the few seconds I took my attention off fighting the pioneers, I saw you cowering below the grass like a whimpering baby, which is astonishing considering you rushed into fighting the pioneers."
"I was not cowering. I was dodging bullets. For the times I saw you Hardcore Kid, you were adjusting your glasses and leather jacket as if you were posing for a fashion magazine. What magazine would it be? Poser Weekly," said Jennxpenn with a confident smile. "I think these Pokémon fans can tell all of us how heroic I was and how unprofessional you were on the battlefield."
"Actually, we didn't see anything. We just heard the battle because the wagons blocked our range of vision," interjected TamashiiHiroka with all the other Pokémon fans nodding in agreement.
Jennxpenn and the Hardcore Kid turned to face the only reliable person who could tell them who fought bravely in battle and who was the incompetent one: HurricaneAubrey.
"HurricaneAubrey!" squealed Jennxpenn as she hugged her. "We're women, and women have each other's backs. Tell this man that I fought against the pioneers with the same expertise as the Nostalgia Critic."
"Really Jennxpenn? Using your gender as an exploitation tool to get what you want. Then again, I shouldn't be shocked considering that your internet videos are the definition of click bait material, with instances of posting naked thumbnails and vlogs about irrelevant shit nobody cares about," said Hardcore Kid. "In stark contrast, I post videos containing deep interpretation of animated and live-action movies like the Nostalgia Critic and the Angry Video Game Nerd."
"Listen asshole. I'm just asking HurricaneAubrey a simple question," said Jennxpenn staring at Hardcore Kid with disgust. She promptly gave a smile when she faced HurricaneAubrey. "How well did I do in battle compared with this poser?"
Wanting to remain neutral, HurricaneAubrey gave an answer that satisfied neither of them.
"You both did well in your own special way," said HurricaneAubrey simply.
Jennxpenn and Hardcore Kid crossed their arms as they faced away from each other.
"Feminazi," said Hardcore Kid to Jennxpenn.
Jennxpenn punched Hardcore Kid in the face, breaking his sunglasses.
"Apologize to Jennxpenn!" screamed HurricaneAubrey.
"Me! She fucking punched me in the face!" shouted Hardcore Kid. "Punish her instead!"
"She will be dealt with according, but I want you to apologize for your choice of words," said HurricaneAubrey.
"Guess the feminazis are in charge of the Internet Police considering what sorry excuses we have for new recruits," commented Hardcore Kid in reference to Jennxpenn. He immediately spoke again just as HurricaneAubrey was about to voice her objections. "Maybe Emperor George's permanent removal from the Internet Police was a tragedy after all considering what the organization has to deal with now. I will not be part of an Internet Police that involves such scum, and I'll encourage as many people as I can to leave this corrupted organization. And I'll tell them that they have HurricaneAubrey to thank for tolerating such foulness. Good day ma'am."
HurricaneAubrey watched as Hardcore Kid walked away from her to seek out his own path in life.
"Good riddance," said Jennxpenn.
HurricaneAubrey was looking defeated and distraught at this recent development.
"Uh… thanks for saving us," said TamashiiHiroka awkwardly.
Returning back from her flashback taking place in the Pacific Northwest, HurricaneAubrey saw that the Critic and Nerd were finishing up loading up the paintball guns with black and white paint.
"And I assume that you talked with TamashiiHiroka's encounter with the pioneers considering that you told us what exactly she did to cause three fourths of them to abandon their ways?" asked the Critic.
"I did speak to her. She was quite pleasant, and I think it was brilliant how she made the battle much easier for us to fight. Not that it did any good for my reputation as an Internet Police agent considering what happened soon afterwards," said HurricaneAubrey.
"We already know about how you blame Jennxpenn for causing Hardcore Kid to leave the Internet Police and taking a sizeable chunk of our agents with him," said the Nerd. "And you have repeatedly pointed out how you were ostracized by many of your fellow agents for not siding with Hardcore Kid. What's new is that you told us the exact circumstances of this mini-schism."
HurricaneAubrey looked down through the glass roof, where Jennxpenn has gone missing from the crowd of Weathervanes and their prisoners.
"Guess it's time to get her out of trouble… again," said HurricaneAubrey with a sigh as she followed the Critic and Nerd with their loaded-up paintball guns.
"Where is Jennxpenn?" asked the Critic.
"Probably lip-synching to Ellie Goulding songs while dancing on mattresses," said HurricaneAubrey without hesitation.
While the Internet Police agents were preparing for their risky assault on the Mall of America in the chilly environment of the Minnesotan winter, the Weathervane's prisoners were trying to cope with the dire situation in their own ways. For Mike and Jay, they would dissect the artistic and moral depravities of Happy Madison movies, from its money laundering schemes in the form of product placements to its appeal to the lowest common denominator. Of course, the majority of the prisoners had more typical coping mechanisms as demonstrated by their discussions of how they missed their friends and family members waiting for them outside. And then there was Jennxpenn. Seizing the opportunity of some alone time, she ventured into a mattress store, and with Ellie Goulding songs being played in the background, she began lip-synching. As she lip-synched Lights, Jennxpenn was able to clear her anxieties about her current situation.
"This is the life," thought Jennxpenn as she laid on each and every bed she could find in a field of mattresses, deliberately not thinking about how she was a captive of the Weathervanes.
But try as she might, she couldn't ignore her past history with College Liberal and her Weathervane army, and though she tried drowning out her traumatic flashbacks with lip-synching and jumping on beds, her mind reverted back to the day her life irrevocably changed for the worse.
"Get out of my head, George Zazz," thought Jennxpenn as she jumped on a mattress with excessive force in a vain attempt of drowning out memory of the day George Zazz arrived in Los Angeles. It was before she became an Internet Police agent or even heard of the organization.
On a bright, sunny day on the Santa Monica pier, a girl with a laptop was doing a vlog with the sounds of chattering people and crashing waves in the background.
"Hey guys, it's Jenn! So I'm sitting here right on the Santa Monica pier with a breathtaking view of the Pacific Ocean. But I'm actually planning on going on a vacation in the opposite direction. That's right, I'm going on a month-long trip to Europe," spoke Jennxpenn in a hyperactive voice.
In a typical vlog style, Jennxpenn constantly paused at the end of each sentence instead of speaking her statements in a continuous, flowing manner. She intentionally wanted to add jump-cuts in her vlog.
"Do you where I'm going in Europe? I'm going to England and France. In England, I'm going to visit London and the English countryside. In France, I'm going to Paris and the French countryside. Won't that be exciting for all of you to see?" commented Jennxpenn in an eager tone. "I don't know what to expect, but I bet it's going to be great."
Jennxpenn's smile faded somewhat when she thought more about her trip to Europe.
"I'm probably going to be bored visiting the art museums in London and Paris, filled with the works of dead men nobody has ever heard about. Most likely, I'm going to be texting my friends about my boredom or even sleeping while these artworks are admired by pretentious old men," said Jennxpenn as she turned towards the Santa Monica pier occupied by carefree and smiling pedestrians. "Maybe I'm not excited about my European trip after all. I don't think my idea of a good time involves enjoying the same activities as these stuck-up people who think they are better than everyone else just by listening to classical music and spending hours looking at totally outdated art. My idea of a good time would be hanging out with my BFFs like Strawburry17 and JoeyGraceffa in addition to making funny internet videos."
Jennxpenn decided to end the video on a happy note.
"But I'm going to be optimistic. Maybe I'll enjoy the classics despite my doubts about them at the beginning. During my adventures in Europe, I'll give the classics a chance to redeem themselves in the eyes of this girl right here," said Jennxpenn as she pointed her thumbs directly towards herself. "Don't forget to subscribe, and I'll see you next week."
Jennxpenn closed her laptop as she leaned back against her chair.
"Now all that's needed is to proofread, edit, and upload the video to my peeps," said an exhausted Jennxpenn.
Closing her eyes, Jennxpenn could feel the cool breeze and the vibrant sunshine of the Californian coast. It was a dramatic change in scenery from her Pennsylvanian homeland. Finding almost no opportunities in Pennsylvania, she moved to Los Angeles to grow her internet career, and for the most part, she succeeded as she has been gaining many more internet subscribers and obtaining several television and movie deals. She was living the high life right now, with her trip to Europe being only one of many rewards for her internet success.
"This is the life," said Jennxpenn as she leaned back against her chair.
It would be a long time before Jennxpenn would return to some semblance of normalcy as the sounds of helicopters filled the air, drowning out the happy sounds of birds chirping and people chatting. The spectators both in the ocean and on the boardwalk stared in awe of the helicopters carrying jeeps and motorcycles. Emblazoned with the words IIS, the helicopters were playing a song what Jennxpenn recognized as the Ride of the Valkyries. The occupants of the helicopters were wearing khaki, blue, and green safari uniforms with pith helmets on their heads. After darkening the sky with their presence, the helicopters soon landed on the beaches, the land around the boardwalk, and the boardwalk itself. Jennxpenn saw a jeep driving upon the boardwalk, and in the jeep's backseat, a teenage boy wearing khaki safari uniform was holding a megaphone.
"Citizens of Los Angeles. I am Henry Zazz, son of Emperor George of the Internet. I have been personally invited by your mayor to root out the Plebeian demons that have corrupted the city of Angels," spoke the English-accented teenager through the megaphone. "At the request of my glorious father, abandon your sinful ways, or suffer the consequences."
Though they didn't know who Emperor George or his son was, the Californians knew that they were outgunned, and they instinctively prostrated themselves before Henry.
"What a pompous jackass!" thought Jennxpenn as she reluctantly prostrated herself before the teenage boy. "At least I'm not going to stupidly charge at him."
Apparently, not everyone shared Jennxpenn's opinion as someone threw a soda can at Henry Zazz. The can missed Henry, but it was enough to infuriate him.
"Fire! Fire!" screamed Henry Zazz. "Cleanse Santa Monica of these Plebeian devils!"
From surfers in the water to the pedestrians on the boardwalk, these IIS soldiers spared no one from their wrath, and coupled with the addition of flamethrowers, nets, and ropes, pandemonium erupted. As soon as Jennxpenn saw IIS jeeps and motorcycles being driven on the Santa Monica pier with the soldiers carrying cattle prods, she knew that she needed to run as fast as she could. Unfortunately, she was knocked to the ground by the panicking Californians desperate to escape from the IIS soldiers on foot, on wheels, and in the air. Before losing consciousness, she saw two familiar figures amongst the IIS soldiers: an enthusiastic looking Strawburry17 and a downtrodden JoeyGraceffa.
"Emperor George. More like Anti-Semitic George," spoke a voice ringing in Jennxpenn's head.
Jennxpenn opened her eyes and saw that she was bedridden. Staring at her was a bespectacled college-aged woman with a knitted cap over her dreadlocks.
"You can call me College Liberal, and let me show you why Georgie is a horrible man," commented College Liberal.
College Liberal turned on the television behind her, and at once, Jennxpenn understood why Georgie meant trouble. There were fires erupting throughout Los Angeles as flamethrowers were used by Emperor George's army.
"We are here to cleanse the wicked by fire as ordained by Emperor George," shouted one of the soldiers as he fired his flamethrower onto Grauman's Chinese Theatre.
Jennxpenn felt enraged as the footage showed Emperor George's soldiers lighting fires onto several blocks of Los Angeles' modern structures. And when the camera footage showed Strawburry17 and JoeyGraceffa participating in the arrest of several of Jennxpenn's fellow YouTube friends, she was infuriated.
"Emperor George is Hitler," said College Liberal boldly.
Jennxpenn just stared at College Liberal with a dumbstruck look on her face.
"You know, the madman with the funny mustache," said College Liberal.
"Oh him! I heard about him during my boring history classes," said Jennxpenn. "He was the man who started this whole hatred of Jews for some reason."
"You have a lot to learn about how horrible life was in the past, Jennxpenn. Hitler didn't start the hatred of Jews. White people hated Jews long before Hitler was born. Do you remember what you heard when the helicopters arrived at the Santa Monica pier?" asked College Liberal.
"It was Ride of the Valkyries," said Jennxpenn. "I knew the name of the music from randomly browsing the internet."
"You can find anything on the internet, and unfortunately, that includes comment sections filled with misogynistic men. But anyway, Ride of the Valkyries was composed by Richard Wagner, a vicious anti-Semite. An old white man who hates Jews," said College Liberal. "No wonder Hitler loved him and his racist music, enough so that he invaded Poland with it."
"That's terrible! And Georgie and his army used this racist man's music to invade Los Angeles. He is like Hitler after all," said Jennxpenn.
"I have more proof of Georgie's links to the genocidal Hitler. Take a look at Hitler's Nazi soldiers marching down Paris' Champs-Élysées," said College Liberal as she took out her laptop.
Jennxpenn saw old video footage of Nazi soldiers marching along the Champs-Élysées, marching with uniformity as they carried Roman-style aquila (topped with eagles) and vexilla.
"And here is footage of what just happened on Los Angeles' Sunset Boulevard," said College Liberal pointing to the television.
On the television screen, Jennxpenn saw a man who looked remarkably like Ian from Smosh riding a horse down Sunset Boulevard alongside the same teenage boy, also riding on horseback, she saw ordering the attack on the Santa Monica pier.
"I'm assuming that is Georgie himself riding with his son," commented Jennxpenn with a disgusted look.
And behind the two men on horseback were their soldiers dressed in khaki, blue, and green uniforms, carrying Roman-style aquila (topped with eagles) and vexilla.
"Internexus vult!" shouted Emperor George as he led his son, his foot soldiers, and rows upon rows of jeeps and motorcycles down Sunset Boulevard.
"And if that wasn't enough, Georgie and his men often wear the types of helmets that the Germans like wearing when they were raping Belgians," remarked College Liberal as she took out her portable digital device.
Looking at the digital device, Jennxpenn saw College Liberal swiping her finger back and forth across the screen. College Liberal first showed images of historical German soldiers committing heinous war crimes while wearing Pickelhaube helmets, and then she displayed pictures of Emperor George's armies attacking innocent people as they proudly wore Pickelhaube helmets on their heads. As College Liberal compared the images of both the Germans and Emperor George's army on her digital device, Jennxpenn reached a revelation.
"Fucking Pickelhaube-wearing Nazis attacking civilians in the trenches," said Jennxpenn. "And Georgie was inspired by these horrible people in the past? Well to hell with the past if this is what he wants."
"Well said," said College Liberal. "Perhaps you would like to join me in rebelling against these men who have their asses stuck in the past. What do you say, my fellow woman?"
Jennxpenn was in deep thought over this offer. She looked at the television screen, with the news footage shifting from Emperor George's victory march on Sunset Boulevard to Strawburry17 and JoeyGraceffa leading a squadron of soldiers through traffic jams on the 405 Freeway.
"Even during an invasion, traffic jams remain a fact of life in Los Angeles," thought Jennxpenn.
Weaving their way between honking cars and frustrated drivers, Strawburry17 was showing Polaroid photographs to every car she happened to walk by. JoeyGraceffa was looking like he would rather be anywhere else. Jennxpenn didn't know why her friends would join the so-called Emperor of the Internet, though she was more concerned about Strawburry17 as JoeyGraceffa seemed more like the unwilling participant.
"Have you seen this girl? Have you seen this girl? Please help. We need to save her from her Plebeian ways and have Emperor George redeem her," spoke Strawburry17 as she showed the Polaroid pictures to the drivers stuck on the highway.
Jennxpenn looked closely at who was on the photographs, and she saw that it was herself with blonde hair and a smile.
"And to think I made popin cookin cakes with her," said Jennxpenn. She faced College Liberal with a determined look. "I've made my decision to join you against Georgie."
"Good. I think this is the beginning of a wonderful relationship," said a smiling College Liberal.
Back in the mattress store in the Mall of America, Jennxpenn was trying to drown out her flashback with lip-synching to Ellie Goulding's Figure 8, and she was extremely into the song as she was moaning with pleasure on the bed. Of course, her moment in heaven was interrupted by what appeared to be a group of people in blackface surrounding the bed she was lying in. This group of people was the three Internet Police agents and the prisoners they rescued.
"What the hell are you doing?!" shouted the Nerd, with black paint covering most of his glasses.
"What the hell are you doing?! You look like you're in an old fashioned minstrel show like in the bad old days," retorted Jennxpenn.
"Of course, she is in ecstasy while we're in the trenches," said HurricaneAubrey completely covered in black paint. "For your information little girl, I, the Critic, and the Nerd were preoccupied with shooting black paint onto the prisoners in order to prevent the Weathervanes from attacking them, with these politically correct lunatics believing that shooting the black-covered prisoners would be a subliminal message of wanting to kill blacks. Of course, we also took care of firing black paintballs onto the Weathervanes' white guns using the same logic the Critic used when he confronted the Weathervane wielding a knife with a black handle. I assume you remember what I told you about the Vienna mission, Jennxpenn."
"I forgot about that," said Jennxpenn with blunt honesty.
HurricaneAubrey gave a sigh as the Critic stepped in to explain what transpired next in the Mall of America.
"Most brilliantly, the three of us used white paintballs to completely whiten the Weathervanes. With their skin color and clothes now white, the Weathervanes began attacking each other with their fists as their guns were rendered black. Seizing this opportunity of confusion, we rescued the prisoners and brought them here as this was the nearest escape route," replied the Critic.
"And now we are here seeing what I assume is what your generation consider to be your idea of fun," said Jay.
"At least I'm not the one in blackface," said Jennxpenn in retaliation.
"Hey. It was either blackface or getting your privates removed by the Weathervanes," said Mike. "And I prefer the less permanent option."
Just then, the doors to the mattress store flung open as College Liberal led her Weathervanes through the mattress store. They were all holding paintball guns, and at once, they fired green paintballs at the Internet Police agents and the now-liberated prisoners. The Weathervanes also carried makeshift weapons in the form of golf clubs and tennis racquet.
"We've got you now! We know that no human has green skin. With green paint going to be covered over the bodies of our adversaries, we can offend nobody by attack your green bodies. For a more tolerant future!" shouted College Liberal lifting her golf club in the air.
The Weathervanes charged at the Internet Police agents and the liberated prisoners with green paintballs.
"Oh crap! We're out of paintballs!" yelled the Critic, knowing full well they were unable to defend themselves against a barrage of green paintballs.
"This way!" yelled HurricaneAubrey.
The Internet Police agents led the liberated prisoners through the main hallway of the Mall of America, and after dodging all of the green paintballs from the Weathervanes, the Internet Police agents found themselves in a soon to be opened store called Americana. The store Americana was divided into aisles and sections, each with merchandising related to a particular state in America. For example, the New York section had Statue of Liberty snow globes, Empire State Building pencil sharpeners, and miniature yellow taxi cabs. Another section had Pennsylvania represented by Liberty Bell refrigerator magnets, Rocky memorabilia, and models of Amish buggies. New Yorker HurricaneAubrey beamed with pride and Pennsylvanian Jennxpenn grimaced at how their home states were represented. Before the Nerd and the Critic could contemplate how they felt about their home states of New Jersey and Illinois respectively, they heard the Weathervanes bursting into the store.
"We got you now!" shouted College Liberal. "Prepare to feel the wrath of the green!"
"Jennxpenn! Stay here and guard these civilians," commanded the Critic. "HurricaneAubrey and the Nerd, follow me!"
"But….," stammered Jennxpenn as she saw the Critic, the Nerd, and HurricaneAubrey leave to confront the Weathervanes.
With the civilians safely hidden in the Pennsylvania section, the Critic, the Nerd, and HurricaneAubrey encountered the Weathervanes in the California section of Americana.
"Fire!" yelled the Weathervanes as they unleashed a barrage of green paintballs at the three Internet Police agents.
The three Internet Police agents hid behind a large chocolate replica of the Golden Gate Bridge, and as the brown-colored Golden Gate Bridge was being covered in green paint, the three Internet Police agents saw golf clubs and tennis racquets being thrown at the bridge, with all the projectiles hitting the green parts of the delicacy.
"We can't let any green paintballs touch us, or else we'll be given a hole in one of our skulls," commented the Nerd.
"Or getting love from those tennis racquets," said HurricaneAubrey as she saw the oval-shaped tennis racquets striking the Golden Gate Bridge. "What should we do Critic?"
"Follow my lead," said the Critic as he briefly emerged from behind the Golden Gate Bridge.
The Weathervanes shot several green paintballs at the Critic, missing him every time as he ducked behind the Golden Gate Bridge.
"Hey College Liberal and your Weathervanes buddies! You're probably offended by the consumption of good old fashion American hamburgers and hot dogs," said the Critic.
"Of course we are! Meat is murder!" shouted the Weathervanes.
"If you're animal lovers, then why would you cover us in green paint just so that you could beat us up? You do realize that broccoli and cabbages are green, and if you attack us while we're wearing green paint, then you're suggesting that eating fruits and vegetables is immoral compared to eating meat," said the Critic.
College Liberal and the Weathervanes looked discouraged, and as a result, they removed the green paint from the paintball guns. They decided to place red paint into their guns.
"Oh now you're going to offend Native Americans by hunting us down after shooting red paint at us," commented the Nerd.
Frustrated, the Weathervanes switched out the red paint with blue paint.
"Just great. You're against the rivers and oceans of the world. If you hurt us while we're covered in blue paint, then you are signaling that you want to pollute an environment containing your precious fishes and dolphins," said HurricaneAubrey.
College Liberal and her Weathervanes were at a loss of words.
"Keep up the pace," said the Critic. "At this rate, we'll defeat the Weathervanes with patience and logic."
HurricaneAubrey smiled at the Critic's intelligence in handling this delicate situation. Alas, her apprentice ruined the Critic's plans as she was speeding on her segway rather than guarding the liberated prisoners.
"Less philosophical debating and more fighting!" shouted Jennxpenn as she swung a baseball bat at College Liberal.
HurricaneAubrey moaned as the baseball bat missed College Liberal entirely as the bat flew out of Jennxpenn's hands.
"She's a blonde WASP. Get her!" screamed College Liberal to her Weathervane army.
"I'm of Irish descent!" shouted Jennxpenn, not that it mattered to the Weathervanes as they pursued the only person not covered in paint.
The three Internet Police agents saw as Jennxpenn was being chased by the Weathervane army wielding golf clubs and tennis racquets.
"What happened between us Jennxpenn?!" shouted College Liberal. "We used to be BFFs back in Los Angeles. And now we're sworn enemies in the Mall of America."
Jennxpenn continued driving her segway through the aisles of American states.
"Why Jennxpenn? Why did you leave me? Was it because you were against the castration of the entire male population? Or was it because you accuse me of having an unhealthy admiration of Roxy Harmon? Which one of these reasons was it? Answer me, Jennxpenn!" screamed College Liberal.
All Jennxpenn could do was ride her segway as she couldn't drive and engage in an intellectual debate with College Liberal. Eventually, Jennxpenn reached the Minnesota section of the store.
"Great," said Jennxpenn sarcastically. "Well at least I lost the Weathervanes."
It was obvious that the Minnesota section was the largest. There were wooden statues of Paul Bunyan and Babe the Blue Ox as well as camping equipment spread about. Jennxpenn was staring at a seesaw with a massive Babe the Blue Ox occupying one end. Next to the seesaw was a row of Paul Bunyan statues getting progressively larger from left to right. She then saw the Weathervanes catch up to her.
"Guess this is goodbye then," said College Liberal.
At the sight of the Weathervanes charging at her, Jennxpenn accidentally drove her segway right into the small Paul Bunyan statue. As dictated by domino theory, the small Paul Bunyan statue knocked into the slightly larger Paul Bunyan statue, which in turn struck the next statue. Eventually, the result of this domino theory led to the gargantuan Paul Bunyan statue to fall right onto the seesaw, which propelled the gigantic Babe the Blue Ox statue into the air and straight through the glass ceiling. It appeared that a massive snowstorm had occurred right after the Critic, the Nerd, and HurricaneAubrey invaded the Mall of America, and thus, an avalanche of snow fell through the hole created by a flying Babe the Blue ox.
"Oh fiddlesticks," commented College Liberal as snow began covering her and the Weathervanes.
Jennxpenn rode her segway through the aisles as snow was piling into Americana. She managed to escape being engulfed by this deluge of snow.
"I did it," said Jennxpenn, who was sweating despite being surrounded by snow and chilly winds.
In the end, College Liberal and her Weathervanes were placed under arrest by the Internet Police agents, and despite the ensuring blizzard happening outside the Mall of America, the liberated prisoners preferred to wait outside for their loved ones rather than stick around in the mall where they had been enslaved by the Weathervanes. All involved parties were cleansed of paint. With cups of hot chocolate being offered to the liberated prisoners, the Internet Police agents were conducting themselves differently in the aftermath of the Mall of America hostage crisis. The Critic and the Nerd were busy interrogating the Weathervanes in regards to the whereabouts of the remaining Weathervane members. Jennxpenn, standing on a bench, was busy retelling her heroics on the battlefield to an interested group of liberated prisoners. And HurricaneAubrey was seething with rage as she drank her hot chocolate, trying her best to not confront Jennxpenn in a violent manner.
"So the two men with glasses and the brunette woman were desperately hiding behind the chocolate replica of the Golden Gate Bridge when I bravely charged at the Weathervanes with my segway. They were certainly frightened at my presence when I swung my baseball bat at them. If I wasn't there, then the Weathervanes would have surely overwhelmed them," said Jennxpenn with swagger.
HurricaneAubrey's grip on her hot chocolate was tightening as she watched Jennxpenn continue relating her tale of triumph over the Weathervanes to the excited crowd.
"With the Weathervanes in a dazed and confused state, I led them to a seesaw with a large ox statue at its end, and through my own brilliance, I pushed a row of Paul Bunyan statues right onto the unoccupied end of the seesaw and launched the ox right through the glass ceiling. This caused a pile of snow to fall directly onto the Weathervanes, rendering them unconscious in the process. And this was pretty much how I saved all of you from these uncool Weathervanes," said Jennxpenn as she drank her hot chocolate. She then held her hot chocolate like a goblet as she shouted triumphantly. "To Jennxpenn!"
"To Jennxpenn!" yelled the crowd as they chugged down their hot chocolate.
With her newfound temper seemingly insulating her from the Minnesotan winter, HurricaneAubrey threw her remaining cup of hot chocolate onto the snow, promptly melting a significant portion of the snowy ground.
"Keep it together. We won and saved these people. That's what matters," thought HurricaneAubrey.
Jennxpenn stepped off the bench, and was about to sign autographs from her admirers when Mike and Jay barged in.
"It seems rather odd that you would call yourself heroic when you abandoned us despite being given explicit orders by your superiors to remain with us," said Mike. "I think the rest of us are forgetting that little detail."
HurricaneAubrey's spirit lifted when she heard murmuring amongst the liberated prisoners.
"I have unorthodox ways of conducting rescue missions," said a defensive Jennxpenn.
"Like lip-synching to whatever music your generation listens to during a hostage crisis," said Jay. "I also think you're not being 100% honest with us based on how your completely disregard the contribution of your fellow officers."
"You know what. I don't have time for people like you. I think you two should go back to your state of cheeses and beers if you want a fight with me. If it wasn't for me, then you would have had your manhood removed by the Weathervanes. I think I'll let democracy decide if I'm telling the truth or not. Now if you'll excuse me, I need some rest and relaxation after saving all of you," said Jennxpenn.
As Jennxpenn headed away, HurricaneAubrey saw that the liberated prisoners were dissenting amongst themselves whether or not Jennxpenn's story was exaggerated, with only a minority of them siding with Mike and Jay. With a considerable distance between Jennxpenn and the liberated prisoners, HurricaneAubrey confronted the blonde Internet Police agent.
"I suppose you forget to tell them that I, the Critic, and the Nerd had to face actual bullets when dealing with the Weathervanes while you were singing and dancing in the mattress store. If we hadn't painted their machine guns white, then you would have faced them on your joyride with the segway. You would surely have died if it wasn't for the Critic, the Nerd, and me," said HurricaneAubrey through gritted teeth. "And worst of all, we wouldn't have risked our lives in capturing the Weathervanes if you had properly done your duty of protecting the mall in the first place."
"Shut up. You're just jealous that I defeated the Weathervanes once and for all while you three were busy holding political forums rather than beating the shit out of them. I think we all know who the best agent is of all time is," countered Jennxpenn.
"You're so egotistical and full of yourself!" yelled HurricaneAubrey. "You don't know what real fighting involves. The Weathervanes are upstarts compared to what I faced. I recall that you were recruited by the Chief because of your rebellious work at the San Diego Comic-Con. But that was when Henry Zazz's army was armed with only tranquilizer guns, so you didn't have to encounter the helicopters, biplanes, jeeps, and motorcycles that accompanied George Zazz's formal army."
"I think you're forgetting the cattle prods and flamethrowers I had to dodge in San Diego," interjected Jennxpenn. "And what about the rifles used by the Oregon Trail pioneers?"
"Those weapons are nothing compared to the real machine guns I faced when dealing with Fred Figglehorn's armies in the Second War and against George Zazz's armies in the Great Schism of America. And I recall that you left the rebellion during the Great Schism when the actual killings happened. So don't you dare call yourself the best Internet Police agent of all time considering your mediocrity and dumb luck," said HurricaneAubrey.
"What's going on here?" asked a concerned Critic.
Jennxpenn and HurricaneAubrey saw the Critic and Nerd approach them.
"I'm just trying deal with Jennxpenn's inflated ego. She thinks she is the best agent of all time and that she singlehandedly took down the Weathervanes in the Mall of America," said HurricaneAubrey.
"I'm just trying to deal with a bitch who thinks combat training involves insomnia-inducing trips to art and history museums," said Jennxpenn. "I thought Internet Police fighting just involved punching and shooting, not having a polite conversation over a cup of tea."
"Look. We have enough on our hands right now. We're just about to rid America of the Weathervanes, and we just received word of increased mafia activity throughout Europe," said the Nerd. "The Critic and I don't have time dealing with your squabbles."
"HurricaneAubrey, I would suggest that you take your apprentice to dinner and a movie in settling your differences," suggested the Critic. "It worked for you and me in Tokyo."
The Critic then focused his attention on Jennxpenn.
"Listen rookie, I think you should avoid overestimating your talents at this point. And you certainly don't want to cause unnecessary drama with your Internet Police acquaintances. We have enough turmoil within the Internet Police organization since the mass exodus led by Hardcore Kid," said the Critic.
"No thanks to you," replied HurricaneAubrey to Jennxpenn.
The Critic ignored HurricaneAubrey's outburst.
"The point is, you need to get along with your fellow Internet Police agents and stop undervaluing their contribution to defending the internet from the scum of the web, preparing for the unpredictable, and fulfilling the will of the internet," said the Critic.
"I suppose you mean Internexus Vult for that last item, a statement used by George Zazz during his rampage across America during the Great Schism," said Jennxpenn. "I recall that you, the Nerd, and HurricaneAubrey had sympathies for Georgie and his plans for America. I, on the other hand, was against Georgie from the very beginning. So how can I become true friends with any other Internet Police agents, especially HurricaneAubrey, if they still harbor some loyalty towards Georgie?"
Jennxpenn started walking away from HurricaneAubrey, the Critic, and the Nerd.
"Now if you'll excuse me, I have better things to do right now," said Jennxpenn as she walked away while rolling her eyes.
The remaining three Internet Police agents didn't know what to do next.
"Anyone wants some more hot chocolate?" said the Nerd.
The Critic and HurricaneAubrey nodded. With the three Internet Police agents once again drinking hot chocolate, the Critic decided to comment on their dilemma.
"Do you remember how Blues Brothers 2000 started with Elwood Blues finding out that the orphanage he saved in the first movie was gone and that his brother Jake has died? Didn't you just love how Blues Brothers 2000 rendered the conclusion of the first movie completely in vain?" remarked the Critic sipping hot chocolate.
The Nerd and HurricaneAubrey drank their hot chocolate in silence, signaling their agreement with the Critic's statement.
"I thought this type of plot only existed in shitty sequels, but now it appears to be happening in real life right now," said the Critic. "Maybe I'm just being pessimistic."
"Perhaps things can get better," said the Nerd as he lifted his hot chocolate into the air. "To the three of us."
"To the three of us," said the Critic and HurricaneAubrey as they clinked their Styrofoam cups of hot chocolate with the Nerd's cup.
The three Internet Police agents smiled at each other in unison. They had some reasons to remain optimistic. The month of January involved the absolute destruction of the Weathervanes in Vienna and in the Mall of America. Despite some setbacks, the three Internet Police agents were confident they could take on any other challenges that awaited them in the coming months. So far, this year has been memorable, and hopefully, this would be the year where the Internet Police could be restored to its former glory. HurricaneAubrey saw that a car was passing by the three of them, with Jennxpenn in the driver's seat.
"So my late New Year's resolution is to try to forge a friendship between me and Jennxpenn for the good of the Internet Police," thought HurricaneAubrey.
Please review this story to provide me some advice on improving it. What other internet personalities or memes should the Internet Police encounter?
