A/N: Because Alyss' death is a travesty.


Thick smoke filled Alyss' lungs as she crawled along the stone tiles, keeping her head low. Her face ached with a scalding pain that she didn't want to think about, and red-hot heat radiated from the flames licking the room around her. Burnt wood and fabrics filled the room with their cloying scent. Sucking in a breath, she coughed, unable to get enough air. If she didn't get out soon, she never would. She doubted even her corpse would survive.

Pain shot through her shoulder. She cried out as her arm buckled, sending her collapsing to the floor. Maybe she should just let herself succumb. Alyss had never been a quitter, but she'd seen enough of death to know that for many, it was a comfort. A gift, even. All it would take was for her to go to sleep, and all the pain would go away.

Will, I'm so sorry, she thought.

She didn't regret running into the building to save the child, and she knew Will would have done the same thing in her place. If she lived life holding back out of fear, she would have missed out on all her favourite memories. Admitting her feelings to Will, successfully completing various undercover missions with Pauline, helping resolve the Nihon-Jan civil war… There was more she'd hoped to do with her life, but even if this was the end, she was glad that the little boy would get the chance to grow up and make his own memories.

But the thought of leaving Will behind made her stomach twist. He would quickly hear that a woman died in a fire, either through Ranger channels or Pauline's intelligence network. How long would it take for them to realise it was her?

Images flashed into her mind, unwelcome and unbidden. Will, hair shaggy and eyes dull, standing stiffly beside Pauline and Halt at her funeral. His slim frame huddled over a mug of ale, far too drunk and nowhere near stopping for the night. Those quiet footsteps pacing around their cosy little cabin, now cold and empty and quiet as her grave. He would cut himself off from the world, she knew, grieving and unwilling to move on… Rangers were almost universally allergic to discussing their emotions, so they tended to bottle up their losses and retreat into themselves.

No. That couldn't happen. Clenching her teeth in anticipation of the pain, she pushed herself up from the tiles. Agony ripped through her body, but she tamped down on it. There was no time for that now. One hand in front of the other, she continued forward.

Ahead, the kitchen door was propped open wide. Smoke gushed out of the inn, but the faintest hint of blue peeked through the gaps in the grey. Almost there. She couldn't give up now, not when she was so close.

Hot tiles shifted to charred grass then fresh green blades as the smoke slowly thinned. Cries of astonishment rang out, but she couldn't afford to stop to listen. She had to keep going — had to —

-x-

Alyss was floating on a cloud. Fluffy whiteness surrounded her on all sides, soft and delicate and comforting. It was a nice change after… something. She frowned. What happened? Why was she here? A memory lurked at the corner of her mind, and she felt certain that she would find all the answers if she could just reach out and grab it. But whenever she tried to catch it, it danced out of her grasp.

'Will she survive?' asked a man in a gruff tone, although that made no sense. Nobody else was up here with her. Yet an odd flare of recognition rushed through her. Somehow, the man was real, and she knew him.

'I don't know.' The respondent sounded younger and spoke with the royal accent. 'I don't know how she made it this far in the first place. With injuries that bad, most people would have succumbed on the scene.'

'She's a fighter,' a woman replied proudly, and there was no doubt in Alyss' mind that she knew her. But who…

Pauline. Alyss tried to open her mouth to call out, to let her know that she was here, on the cloud, and invite them up to join her. But she couldn't make her muscles move.

'Even if she does pull through, she will never be the same,' said the second man. 'You should consider whether it would be better to let nature take its cour— '

A low, dangerous voice cut him off, and Alyss' heart leapt in recognition. Will. 'Consider your next words very carefully. I know you weren't about to suggest I let my wife die.'

'Of — Of course not, Ranger. It was a slip of the tongue.'

Liar.

She closed the eyes behind her eyes and drifted back into the clouds.

-x-

Bright light burnt into her eyelids, and Alyss groaned, her mouth opening ever so slightly. At the noise, she froze. She'd actually made a sound, which meant she might be able to do other things too. Taking in a slow breath, she opened her eyes, squinting against the light.

She lay on a soft, feathery mattress in a quiet room with high stone ceilings. A castle, probably Redmont, although she had no idea how they'd transported her this far. Thin, itchy fabric was stuck to the side of her face, as well as to her legs. She reached up to pull it off, but it didn't budge.

'Don't play with your bandages,' Halt said in that gruff, commanding way of his. 'Will will have conniptions if he gets back and you hurt yourself on my watch.'

She turned her head to follow his voice and found him sitting in a hard-backed chair, his saxe knife resting on one arm. She tried to speak, but her throat was dry and she couldn't get the words out. Hastening forward, Halt lifted a cup of water to her lips, and she drank gratefully.

'I thought I was going to die,' she croaked out.

Halt's gaze softened. 'We did too.'

'How bad is it?'

Halt helped her take another drink of water before settling back in his chair. His eyes swept over her body as if he were buying time before replying. 'Your face and legs were burned in the fire. You'll heal, but it will take a while for you to be able to move around again, and there will be scars.'

Her stomach fell, and she scrunched her eyes shut, wishing she could go back to that cloud where everything was alright and nothing hurt. 'I won't be able to be a courier anymore.'

'No,' Halt said, not unkindly. 'You wouldn't be able to move as quickly as you need to, and you would be too recognisable.'

Ever since Pauline offered her an apprenticeship, all Alyss had wanted to do was become the best courier she could. 'Maybe I should have died back there.'

Halt blinked at her. 'You don't mean that.'

Tears ran down her cheeks before she even realised they were there. She didn't, not really, but she couldn't imagine a life without her work. She could retrain, but how could anything compare to the thrill and satisfaction of her diplomacy missions? And she wasn't meant to be a housewife.

Standing abruptly, Halt grabbed his saxe knife and stepped toward the door. 'I'll fetch Pauline. Or Will. You just… stay here.'

Alyss buried her face in her hands and sobbed. Usually, she wouldn't let herself cry in public, but she figured this warranted an exception. Water trickled down the lines of her palm and soaked the bandage on her cheek until it felt heavy.

Footsteps hurried into the room, the quiet passing so slight that she wouldn't have heard it if she wasn't used to how Rangers moved. A sharp intake of breath cut through her low sobs.

'Alyss?' A familiar hand rested on her shaking shoulder, warm and strong and so steady it hurt. 'Alyss, I've got you. I've got you, love.'

She turned her head into Will's chest as he pulled her into his arms, his solid warmth a comfort that she'd thought she'd never feel again.

-x-

For the next few weeks, Will barely left her side. When she woke, when she ate, when she walked on spindly legs with the healer's arm supporting her, when she read the letter from the boy's mother thanking her for saving him, he was there to lend her strength and cheer her on. Alyss knew the fief's problems didn't stop because he was busy. Highwaymen still attacked villages and spies still hatched plots against the baron, and if he was here, that meant the rest of the Ranger Corps were stretching themselves thin to cover for him.

Nevertheless, she couldn't bring herself to tell him to leave. Not when the simple act of bathing by herself was beyond her. Not when most of the villagers would have given him a pass if he chose to leave her in a more permanent way instead of helping her get rehabilitated.

The only time he left was when he received word about the whereabouts of Ruhl, the slaver who set fire to the inn. When she woke, he was gone, and two knights stood guard by the door like twin sentries in his absence. The older knight, a grey-haired man with haunted eyes, met her gaze directly and tried to distract her with endless jokes and tales about life outside the castle. The younger one always seemed to stare just off to her right, as if he didn't want to risk seeing her disfigured cheek.

The damage was bad. Raw red skin with deep divots covered almost a third of her once-beautiful face. Although the pain was lessening by the day, she knew the scars would never fully heal. Her career as a diplomat would be severely limited, if not entirely over. Perhaps she could still carry out some minor tasks, but the truly interesting missions, the ones that made her spirit dance and her soul ignite, would slip from her grasp.

Once, when Alyss gave into her weakness and muttered that it would have been better if the fire had swallowed her too, the healer huffed and insisted that things happened for a reason.

'I don't believe that,' Alyss replied. Destiny was a hoax, and life was what people made it. She didn't rise out of her circumstances as a castle ward because of fate, nor was that how Will defeated Morgarath and foiled foreign invasions. Their lives were built on skill, determination, and hard work against all odds.

The healer just shrugged. 'Even so.'

Her dark mood lasted long after Will's return. Trapped within the four stone walls of the castle bedchamber, the traitorous part of her heart whispered that it would have been better if she'd never escaped that inn. She'd persevered for Will, but maybe he would have been better off if she hadn't.

-x-

Alyss stretched out her aching leg as she finished her daily exercises. Her strength and flexibility were returning, albeit much slower than she would have liked. Although she was fit enough for most activities now, she still had to think twice before venturing out too far on her own in case her leg cramped halfway through.

Outside the cabin, birds chirped and the wind rustled through the leaves like woodland chimes. The kettle of tea brewing on the stove whistled shrilly. Sighing, she stood and hobbled over to fix herself a cup. Ebony leapt up from her dog bed in the corner and padded along beside her, her warm fur brushing against Alyss' bare calf.

'Good girl,' she said, reaching down to scratch behind Ebony's ears before sipping her tea by the window. The sweet taste hit her tongue and sent energy shooting through her veins, but she had nowhere to direct it.

Perhaps she should tend to the garden. Jenny had gifted her pumpkin and watermelon seeds, along with some lessons on how to grow plants. Given how hot the sun was shaping up to be, they would probably appreciate some water.

Probably appreciate. She scoffed and gulped down a too-large helping of tea that scalded her throat. Araluan knights would probably appreciate new intel. Pauline would probably appreciate an extra pair of hands. Is this really who I am now? Someone who attributes thoughts and feelings to plants as she waits by the door for her husband to come home?

Her throat dried out at the thought.

She couldn't keep doing this. If she couldn't return to diplomacy, she needed to carve out a new purpose for herself. Surely there was another apprenticeship she could take. She couldn't cook like Jenny or fight like Will and Horace, but perhaps she could retrain as a scribe or linguist like George. She'd picked up pieces of foreign languages throughout her travels, and she'd read and delivered a wide variety of contracts. The work wouldn't be as fulfilling, but it would fill her day.

Of course, that was hardly the only thing that could give her life new meaning.

Just as she was pondering her other options, a flash of grey emerged from a gap in the trees. The stocky, shaggy horse trotted across the grass, bearing a cloaked rider who held a large satchel. Tug and Will, back from hunting, no doubt carting enough game to last a few days.

Tug whinnied, and Ebony rushed to the door, yipping out a frantic welcome.

Warmth bloomed in her chest, and Alyss reached up to trace the curve of her lips in wonder. Although she smiled often out of politeness or reassurance, genuine unfiltered happiness was hard to come by lately.

-x-

Rabbit stew simmered over the hot flames that crackled in the firepit, vivid red against the darkness. High above, shimming stars stretched out in constellations that took Alyss' breath away. Out of the corner of her eye, she caught Will watching her closely, but even his trepidation whenever she was around fire couldn't dim the majesty of the endless night sky. A small campfire was nothing like the inferno at the inn; she preferred not to cook on it herself, but she refused to let herself be cowed by it.

'I think we should have a baby,' she said.

The metal lid slipped out of Will's hands and landed on the pot with a loud clatter. 'What?'

She shrugged. 'We always said that we wanted children one day, but our work was too dangerous and required constant travel. Mine doesn't anymore.'

He lifted the lid and continued stirring the stew, his eyebrows drawn tightly together. 'I would love to have a child with you,' he said slowly, 'but isn't this kind of hasty? You're still healing — '

She opened her mouth to interrupt; she was healing, but she knew her body and knew she could handle it.

' — and if we just rush into it on impulse before we're ready, the child might feel like a burden.'

'I would never — ' Her protests died on her lips.

Growing up without a family had been difficult, but at least she'd known her parents were decent, brave people and how they died. Until recently, Will hadn't known anything about his parents, and rumours had run rampant that they were lowlifes or highwaymen who had died dishonourably. She'd watched him struggle with feeling unwanted up until he started making a name for himself as Halt's apprentice.

While she'd never let a child of hers feel that lost, she understood why Will was scared. And if waiting was that important to him, it was unfair of her to try to change his mind.

'Let's wait a year then revisit it,' she suggested.

Will nodded, then scooped out some of the meat to taste. 'It's done. Ready to eat?'

-x-

Sadness of the heart, the healer said. Alyss had heard of the malady but only had a passing knowledge of it. Now, she threw herself into learning everything she could. Research didn't help her feelings, but at least she understood them. She had new exercises now, mental ones as well as physical ones, and she split her day up with them to give herself something to do.

-x-

Alyss held her head high as she walked up one of the castle's many spiral staircases. The thick scent of spices and herbs from the kitchens still clung to her nose, so strong that she could almost taste them, and servants rushed past carrying fresh linens and communiques and all the other things a castle needed to function.

It was good to get away from the cabin for a change. Even though she left every now and again to visit the markets, converse with old friends and consult for the other couriers, she lived a mostly solitary life. For a while, that had suited her, but she'd always thrived on interaction and socialising.

The faint murmurs of servants followed her like the tide, crashing over her feet then retreating only to return again. She ignored them. Her burns were nothing to be ashamed of; they weren't marks of cowardice but of bravery. If they pitied her for saving a life, she knew which attribute they possessed.

She reached the top of the staircase and wound through the corridors to Pauline's office. The mahogany door was closed but swung open the moment she knocked.

Her former mentor ushered her inside then tugged her into a warm embrace. 'You look well. The shine is starting to return to your eyes.'

'The mental exercises the healer gave me have helped,' Alyss said. 'But it feels like all anybody wants to talk about nowadays is me. How are you and Halt? Have you foiled any plots to invade the kingdom lately?'

Amusement danced in Pauline's eyes, and she closed the door and gestured Alyss over to a table brimming with tea and biscuits. 'Only one. It's a long story, but it involved an assassin with a poison-tipped dagger that wound up in his own chest instead of the princess' heart. Luckily for all of us, Cassandra and Horace have spent enough time with our husbands over the years to recognise the threat and act quickly.'

Alyss' heart stuttered. She hadn't always seen eye-to-eye with Evanlyn, otherwise known as Cassandra, but the princess had been kind whenever she and Horace visited over the past few months. Besides, she knew firsthand how nerve-wracking assassination plots were to thwart. While most of them were foiled early in the process through information gatherers like Alyss and Pauline, a rare few came down to the wire. If Evanlyn and Horace had been involved, this was an example of the latter.

'It sounds like the Diplomatic Corps has everything under control,' she said wistfully.

Pauline would never make a sound as indelicate as scoffing, but her faint clearing of the throat conveyed her scepticism conveyed that sentiment quite clearly. 'Does it? Well, you know how good we are at keeping up appearances. We miss you, Alyss, and not just because I see you as a surrogate daughter. You're one of the best couriers we have ever had, and we're worse for your absence.'

Alyss touched Pauline's hand for a moment before reaching for a cream biscuit. 'I don't remember my parents; you're the closest thing to a mother that I remember. And I know that you were grooming me to take over when you retired. If I could still work here, I would in a heartbeat.'

'Then why don't you?' Pauline's words were light, but her gaze pierced Alyss like one of Will's arrows.

She raised her eyebrows. 'You know why.'

'I know why you had time off.' Pauline corrected her in the strained tone she used back when Alyss was her apprentice and incorrectly answered a question she considered obvious. Almost instinctively, Alyss straightened her shoulders further and set aside the biscuit to avoid distractions. 'I don't know why you're treating this injury as a forced retirement.'

'How else am I supposed to treat it?'

'As a promotion, if you wish. At current, you can't fulfil all the duties of a courier, but you can still help train new members of the corps. There's a young girl in the village who is showing potential; you could take her on as an apprentice, or you could help me manage the overall operations.'

Alyss' breath caught in her throat, then she exhaled hard. Her passion was in the field, but training or planning was better than doing nothing. Over time, maybe she could even make it into her new passion. 'Can I do both?'

Pauline smiled, as bright and radiant as the sun. 'I was hoping you would say that.'

-x-

'Her name is Fay. Pauline and I are going to approach her next week to offer her an apprenticeship.' Alyss chopped vegetables for dinner as Will sat by the fire, sharpening his saxe knives with Ebony curled up at his feet. She'd spent the whole morning discussing her new role with Pauline, and over time, her lingering doubts had all disappeared. 'I haven't met her yet, but Pauline is a wonderful judge of character.'

Will cocked his head at her, a smile playing at the corner of his lips.

'What is it?' she asked. She didn't think she'd said anything particularly funny.

He shrugged casually. 'This is the most animated I've seen you in months.'

'I…' She scraped the broccoli and cauliflower into a pot and started cutting the carrots. Pauline had said something similar. At Alyss' lowest, she hadn't wanted to admit just how deep she'd sunk. But now that she was almost out of that dark hole, the words didn't hurt as much. 'I finally see a path forward. I'm sure there will be snags, but I can get through them.'

'That's the Alyss I fell in love with.' Will slid the sharpened knives back into his scabbard and set it aside. 'I'm proud of you. You know that, right?'

Surprised, Alyss sliced the carrot harder than she planned, sending her knife thudding against the board. She winced at the near miss. 'Proud? I've been an absolute nightmare to live with most weeks.'

Thankfully, he didn't dispute that — otherwise, she'd be convinced he was lying. 'You haven't always been sunshine and daisies, but who would be, given the circumstances? I'd prefer you grouchy and stomping around the cabin than dead.'

As much as she wanted to say she would never stomp, she wasn't surprised if she'd slipped into that bit of childishness at some point over the past few months. 'Even so,' she said, 'thank you for staying. It couldn't have been easy, but you did it anyway.'

Will stared at her blankly for a moment. 'You're serious. Alyss, if I could, I would have changed places with you in a heartbeat. Leaving was never an option.'

A lump formed in her throat, and she sucked in a shaky breath. Dropping the knife onto the counter, she half-ran, half-hobbled across the room to Will. He stretched out his arms and she lowered herself into his embrace, burrowing her head into his neck. 'I love you.'

-x-

Alyss signed off on her courier report, fastened it with a wax seal, and tucked it inside Pauline's desk drawer for when her mentor returned. In the year since they spoke about her career, she'd settled into her new role. Although it didn't have the same sense of adventure and danger as being an active courier, watching Fay flourish felt fulfilling and assisting Pauline with managing the corps challenged her mentally.

Now that she had regained full mobility in her leg, she occasionally took on missions where her facial scarring would not be a complication, but as time passed, she found herself missing it less and less.

She stretched until her shoulders popped and the tension from hours hunched over a desk eased, then she limped through the winding stone corridors. The servants barely even reacted to her presence; after months of her visiting the castle every day, they had grown accustomed to her appearance.

-x-

'I've been thinking,' she said later that evening as they rode their horses back through the forest towards their cabin. The setting sun had dipped below the treeline, leaving the sky a murky navy blue broken by the occasional star. 'My injuries have healed, and I don't feel like I'm in a position where I'm making impulsive decisions anymore.'

'I agree,' he said, his voice raising at the end like a question.

'If you're still interested in having a child, I think it's time we try for that baby.'

He blinked at her, expression uncharacteristically blank. Then, a broad smile spread across his face. 'Right now? You could have picked a better place — I'm rethinking my assessment of you not being impulsive anymore.'

His tone was fondly teasing with no trace of seriousness. 'Will,' she said, exasperated.

'I know.' He laughed, and she found herself laughing too despite herself. 'Yes, I would love to have a child with you.'

'Good.' She tapped her heels against Indigo's sides, and her horse shifted to a trot. 'I wonder if Halt and Pauline will consent to being called grandparents.'


A/N: Thank you to Hibbidyhai, Lets Do That Again and ShamelesslyPoetic for critiquing this.

Inspired by Writing and Junk's 2021 Prompt Calendar for the June prompt: 'Theme: Survival. We don't even know how strong we are until we are forced to bring that hidden strength forward. - Isabel Allende.'