Chapter 4: It's You
A/N: Reminder: Present Day is 15 months after the camping trip. Also, remember that the story started completely within canon, so Jane's pregnant (although, that's not a big part of this story).
Present Day
Jane spent the rest of the day finishing the paperwork for the Allen case. By the time the end of the day rolled around, Jane was exhausted, both physically and mentally. She leaned her elbows on her desk and covered her face with her hands.
Jane jumped when she felt a hand on her shoulder.
"Are you okay?" Maura asked, concern evident in her voice.
Jane gave Maura a sad smile. "Yeah," she said tiredly. "I'm just tired."
"Come to my house," Maura said. "I'll make you dinner."
"You're not seeing Jack tonight?" Jane asked.
Maura shook her head. "I had lunch with Jack," Maura told her. "Friday nights are our nights. I don't want that to change just because I have a boyfriend."
"Yeah," Jane agreed, but she couldn't stop the sadness and disappointment she felt when Maura called Jack her boyfriend – before today Maura hadn't actually used that label. Despite Maura's comment, Jane couldn't help but think that their Friday nights were limited. "Yeah," Jane repeated more firmly. "Let's go home."
Maura smiled and waited patiently for Jane to get her stuff together before they walked to the car. Jane had driven them today, so Maura's car was still at home.
Jane followed Maura into the house. Because Maura was a few steps ahead of her, Jane heard her "oh, wow," before she saw the cause of her surprise. There was a beautiful bouquet of flowers on the counter next to what looked like a gift basket. When Jane reached the counter, she cringed internally at the huge smile on Maura's face, and she instantly hated herself. She should be happy for her friend. Maura had found someone who treated her well.
Jane was pulled from her thoughts when she realized that Maura was talking to her.
"I think these are for you," Maura said as she handed Jane a bag of Cheetos from the basket.
"Huh?"
"The basket is from Jack," Maura said, stating the obvious. "He enjoyed meeting you last night. He says that I should have bought you better snacks after making you throw yours away," she explained through barely contained laughter.
Jane laughed too as she took the Cheetos from Maura and instantly opened the bag.
"Jane!" Maura reprimanded. "I'm about to make dinner!"
"Baby's hungry," Jane countered through a mouthful of Cheetos.
"You could at least eat something healthy to hold you over until dinner," Maura argued.
"What else is in the basket?" Jane asked in an obvious attempt to distract Maura, and it worked.
"Geez," Jane said when they finished going through the basket. "He's really trying to woo you. It's nice."
Maura looked up quickly, her nervous gaze searching Jane's face.
"What?" Jane asked, confused by Maura's reaction.
"I-I wasn't sure if you were mocking me," she admitted, her voice shaking slightly.
Jane's shoulders sank. She needed to work on being a better friend. Maura deserved better.
"No, I wasn't," Jane assured her. "I'm glad you've found someone who treats you well. You deserve it. Jack's a nice guy. You know, he sent me a gift today, too." Jane pulled the box out of the bag she had carried in. "Cool, huh?" she said as she showed Maura the ball.
"That was nice of him," Maura said with a smile as she took the ball from Jane. It made her happy that Jack seemed to be embracing Jane as well. The last thing she wanted was for someone she was dating to get in between her relationship with Jane.
They quickly forgot about the gifts from Jack, though, as they fell into their usual Friday night routine. Despite having been the one to pick the movie, Jane was asleep, half lying on Maura, within the first twenty minutes of the movie.
Maura wrapped her arm around Jane's shoulders, her fingers playing idly with Jane's curls. She continued to watch the movie for a little longer, but when she was sure that Jane wasn't going to wake up anytime soon, she eventually switched to something she would enjoy more. She wasn't too surprised that Jane had fallen asleep. Her pregnancy was causing her to become fatigued much more quickly than she had in the past.
Even when she was watching something she had chosen, her attention quickly started to drift. She really liked Jack, and she was hoping that it could turn into something more. However, it was difficult for her to reconcile her desire to build a strong relationship with Jack with her fears about what that would mean for her friendship with Jane and even more so for her ability to support Jane throughout her pregnancy.
Is this really what she wanted? No, it wasn't, and Maura had absolutely no trouble coming up with that answer. True, it was nice to feel wanted, to be wooed, but it wasn't everything. Jack was a nice person, and he would probably make a wonderful boyfriend…for someone else. Jane was Maura's everything, even if their relationship could never be everything Maura wanted.
Maura silently kissed the top of Jane's head, careful not to wake the woman in her arms, and tried to refocus her attention on the TV.
Jane could already smell breakfast cooking downstairs when she woke up. She quickly used the bathroom and brushed her teeth before heading downstairs. She smiled to herself as she paused just outside the kitchen and watched Maura cooking for a few moments. She loved seeing her friend like this – completely relaxed and at home. Maura was wearing her deep purple silk pajamas, and she had wisps of hair framing her face as they fell from her messy bun. She was moving around the kitchen with ease, a small smile playing at her lips.
Jane stepped into the kitchen. "Mornin'," she greeted Maura with a smile.
Maura's face lit up as she noticed Jane. "Good morning! Perfect timing; breakfast is almost ready," she said.
Jane slid into one of the chairs at the island across from where Maura was cooking. "Mmm, you're the best!" Jane said, but she missed Maura's blush in response to her words.
Maura placed a plate of eggs, turkey bacon, and toast in front of Jane and one for herself in front of the empty chair next to Jane. She also poured them each a glass of orange juice, which surprised Jane.
"You're not having coffee?" Jane asked.
Maura shook her head as she took her seat. "I don't plan to give up caffeine completely, but I can at least abstain from drinking it in front of you," she said.
Jane smiled, touched. "Thanks," she said sheepishly, and she was glad when Maura didn't say more. They ate in silence for a few minutes. "So, what do you want to do today?" Jane asked after a while.
"Oh, I, um, can't," Maura stumbled over her words. "I…there's something…I'm busy this morning."
"Oh, okay," Jane said, slightly surprised. A pang of hurt hit her unexpectedly. Of course, Maura was allowed to have her own life. They didn't make plans to do anything together today, so it's not like Maura was ditching her, even if it felt like it.
They fell into an awkward silence, and things remained slightly uncomfortable as they finished breakfast and did the dishes.
"So, I guess I'll go home," Jane said, unsure what else to do or say.
"Okay," Maura nodded.
"Thanks for breakfast…and dinner last night," Jane said as she grabbed her things.
"Of course," Maura replied with a smile.
"Right, okay," Jane said confusedly, walking towards the door.
Maura followed and stood in the doorway as Jane walked down the front walk to her car. "Jane, I'll text you later today," Maura called after her.
Jane waved back in acknowledgement. "Cya, Maur," Jane called back. "Have a good day."
Jane wasn't sure what to think as she climbed into her car. She had no idea how or why things had gotten awkward, and she was thoroughly confused. Maybe Maura just wanted to spend the day with Jack, but she was too afraid to tell Jane when Jane expected them to spend the day together? Jane couldn't think of anything else. She'd have to make sure later that Maura knew that Jane understood that she'd want to spend time with Jack (and she would make sure not to let Maura know how much Jane hated it).
When she got home, Jane showered and got ready for the day, but after that, she felt kind of lost. She felt ridiculous. What? She couldn't entertain herself without her best friend for one day? Jane sighed and flopped sideways onto the couch. It was too early in the day for any live sports, and she hated watching replays of games. She ended up wasting the entire morning staring at the ceiling and thinking about what Maura might be doing with Jack.
Jane's phone buzzed from the other room, but she ignored it, preferring to continue wallowing in self-pity. However, when there was a knock on her door twenty minutes later, she was concerned.
"Jane, are you home?" Maura's voice called through the door.
Jane jumped off the couch and swung the door open. Maura was fidgeting as she stood in Jane's doorway. "Maura, what…? I thought you had something to do. What are you doing here? And why didn't you just let yourself in?"
"I-I did what I had to do. I texted you to ask if I could stop by, but you didn't answer, so it felt…wrong…to just let myself in," she said, her voice full of anxiety.
"Okay, you weirdo," Jane said as she stepped aside. "You should know that you can always just come in, so come in," she added, making an exaggerated gesture to welcome Maura into her apartment.
Maura walked to the breakfast bar and set her purse on the stool. She turned to face Jane, leaning against the counter. Jane watched as Maura ran through each of her nervous habits – smoothing the non-existent wrinkles from her skirt, fiddling with her rings, biting her bottom lip.
"Maura, what…" Jane started as she walked to stand in front of Maura, but Maura interrupted her.
"I wanted you to be the shoe," Maura said quickly.
"Um…" Jane was even more confused than she had been a few minutes ago.
"I-I wanted you to be the shoe," Maura repeated as though that would help.
Jane held the back of her hand up to Maura's forehead. "Do you have a fever? Are you sick? Because you're making zero sense," Jane tried to joke, but her concern was still evident.
Maura sighed and pushed Jane's hand aside. She stepped around Jane and walked over to the couch. "I'm sorry that I was vague with you this morning," Maura said sadly.
Jane sat down next to Maura. "Well, you're still being annoyingly vague," Jane quipped. "Are you okay?"
"I broke up with Jack," Maura admitted, leaning back against the couch.
"What? Why?" Jane exclaimed in surprise. "I thought you liked him?"
"I did. I do," Maura said. "But it wasn't going to work."
"Maura, is this still about your taste in guys?" Jane asked, referring to concerns Maura had shared with Jane when she first met Jack. "Because I know you've had some really bad luck, but…"
Maura shook her head. "No, it's not that," she said. "I just…I realized what I want, and it wasn't…I mean, he wasn't…it wasn't going to work."
"What happened?" Jane asked again.
"Nothing happened."
Jane poked Maura's side. "Are you trying to win an award for being annoyingly vague?" she teased. "And what does this have to do with shoes?"
"Nothing," Maura replied. "Can we just…I don't want to talk about it. Can we just spend the day together?"
Jane sighed in resignation. "Of course," she said, reaching out to pull Maura into a hug. "I'm really sorry, Maur. You deserve someone amazing," she whispered into Maura's hair.
Maura returned the embrace but didn't say anything in response. After a few minutes, Maura sat up again, trying to compose herself.
"Do you want to change into something more comfortable?" Jane asked.
Maura agreed, and Jane waited while she went to change in Jane's bedroom. Jane was concerned about her friend, but she was also confused. What did Maura mean when she said that she wanted Jane to be the shoe? Yesterday morning, when she had asked Jane if she liked Jack, Maura had commented that she was waiting for the other shoe to drop. Did she mean that she had actually wanted Jane to give her a reason not to go out with Jack?
Maura returned before Jane could come to any conclusions, but she decided to press her friend a little bit more.
"You know, when you started to tell Jack about our camping trip, I actually thought that you were going to continue the story past where you ended it," Jane said, feigning nonchalance.
"What?" Maura said, confused by the seemingly random subject.
Jane shrugged. "You were telling embarrassing stories," Jane continued. "But you didn't even tell the most embarrassing part."
"I wasn't trying to embarrass you," Maura said.
Jane turned to look at Maura. "And yet you told an embarrassing story about me," Jane countered. She wasn't angry, but she wanted to get a better understanding of what had transpired the last few days.
"I'm sorry, Jane," Maura said genuinely.
"I'm not angry, Maur, but I am confused. When you got here, you said that you wanted me to be the other shoe. Did you tell an embarrassing story about me in a convoluted attempt to get me to not like Jack?" Jane asked.
Maura tilted her head as she considered Jane's question.
"That wasn't my intention," Maura said slowly. "However, your theory may have some merit. I can't rule out that I may have been subconsciously undermining the evening. For what it's worth, it didn't work."
Jane snorted in laughter.
"I really don't know, Jane," Maura continued sadly. "But I am sorry. I never meant to embarrass you. I've just always liked that story, and honestly, I loved that trip."
"It's okay, really," Jane assured Maura. "I don't really care that you told the story. I'm just trying to understand what changed. You seemed to really like him."
"The problem is that nothing has changed," Maura said shortly, drawing a raised eyebrow from Jane. Maura shook her head. "I'm not in a place in my life where I'm looking for a new romantic relationship."
"Bullshit," Jane said. "You've wanted to find someone and have a family since before we met."
Tears sprung to Maura's eyes as she tried to avoid Jane's gaze.
"Maura…" Jane pushed.
"I…" Maura paused. "Jane, I…it wasn't going to work because I'm already in love with someone else. I don't want to meet someone new." Maura stood up suddenly and walked into the kitchen to pour herself a glass of water.
Jane followed her friend. "You what?" Jane asked in surprise.
"I love someone else," Maura said with growing confidence as she turned to face Jane.
"How…? What…? Why have you never told me? Who are you…?"
"It doesn't matter," Maura said. "I don't talk about it because it's not a possibility."
"Ian?" Jane asked.
Maura shook her head. "I don't want to talk about this anymore," Maura said, a hint of anger in her voice. "It's not Ian. And stop guessing."
"Maura…"
"No, Jane!" Maura yelled. "I've never pushed you to talk about your romantic relationships. I've always been here for you. I'm always willing to listen. But I've never pushed you. You fucking had a sex dream about Casey while we shared a bed, and when you didn't want to talk about it, I didn't make you. Why can't you afford me the same curtesy?"
But Jane missed most of what Maura said. She was completely focused on the fact that Maura thought the dream was about Casey.
"It wasn't about Casey," Jane said softly. "I-I thought you knew. I thought…I thought that all this time…"
Maura's momentary burst of anger deflated quickly. Her shoulders sank, and she tried to wipe the tears from her face. "Never mind," she said defeatedly. "I shouldn't have brought it up. But for the record, I never would have told Jack that part of the story.
"I think I should go," Maura said after a moment's silence.
But Jane was still too focused on the fact that she had been wrong all this time. She had thought for months that Maura knew that Jane had been dreaming about her, that Maura knew how Jane felt about her.
It wasn't until Maura started heading for the door that Jane reacted. "It wasn't about Casey," she said more loudly, causing Maura to turn back to her.
"It doesn't matter," Maura said sadly. "I'm not actually angry with you. I just need a little time."
"I thought you knew," Jane continued despite Maura's comment. "I thought you knew what…who my dream was about."
Now Maura was confused. "I-I thought you were dreaming about Casey," she said stupidly.
Jane shook her head.
"Jane, what's going on?"
"It was you," Jane said so quickly that Maura almost missed it. Jane couldn't keep doing this. She couldn't keep living with this secret. She had thought for months that Maura knew, so Jane's fear of Maura finding out had dissipated, even if her fear of Maura's reaction hadn't.
Maura's eyes widened in surprise, and she remained frozen in place.
Jane looked away from Maura as tears sprung to her eyes. Damn, her pregnancy had amplified her emotions, and she hated it. Apparently, it had also stolen her filter.
"My dream was about you, and all this time, I thought you knew that I was dreaming about you. I thought that you knew how I felt. You kept saying that it didn't mean anything. I thought…I thought…" Jane choked out a sob as words failed her.
"It aroused me," Maura admitted softly. "Hearing you…hearing…when you left, I…"
"You what?" Jane asked quietly, unsure if she wanted to know the answer.
"I…pleasured myself," Maura admitted, blushing deeply.
It was Jane's turn to open her eyes wide in surprise. After a few seconds, she burst into hysterical laughter. She was laughing so hard that she could barely stay standing.
"Jane!" Maura whined, but she was starting to laugh to.
"I'm…I'm sorry," Jane choked out. "I just…what are we doing?"
"What's so funny?"
Jane sobered. "We're a bit ridiculous, don't you think?" she said. "We're doing the same thing we've always done. We're talking around the issue, both refusing to actually say it. Well, I'm done avoiding this, and I'm done with the misunderstandings.
"Maura, you are my best friend, and I'm terrified that what I'm about to say is going to ruin everything, but we can't keep doing this. You're my best friend, and I love you. I'm head over heels, crazy, stupid in love with you. I had a sex dream about you – it wasn't the first or the last. I want to kiss you, I want to make love to you, and I want to take you out on dates. I want to raise my child with you. I want to cuddle on the couch with you every night, not just on Friday nights, and I don't want to worry that I'm going to lose you to someone else."
"Jane…" was all Maura got out before she burst into tears. Jane hurried forward and pulled her into her arms.
"I'm sorry," Jane said desperately. "Maura, I'm so sorry."
But Maura shook her head and wrapped her arms around Jane's neck. The tears were still flowing hard and fast down her cheeks when she leaned forward onto her toes and kissed Jane softly. It was slow and soft, only lasting for a few seconds, but it was everything Maura had ever wanted. "I love you, too," she said thickly. "I love both you and this baby. I don't want to meet someone else because I want you. I want this family."
Jane smiled through her own tears before she kissed Maura. This time, the kiss was deeper but still full of love.
A/N: There will be one more chapter (and it will be very NSFW) and eventually there will be a short sequel. I was trying to decide whether to do an epilogue or a sequel with them camping with their toddler. There's too much cuteness for one chapter, lol. It won't be written immediately after I finish this story, and it won't be long (~3 chapters).
