She wouldn't pick up the damn phone. Harm tried both her landline (only to listen to her machine beep) and her cell (only to be redirected straight to voicemail) several times with no results. His sense of unease had turned into a quickly rising panic by the time he decided to call Bud. He almost threw the receiver against the wall with frustration when the newly recorded message on the Roberts' machine announced the family was on vacation this week. Desperately he dialled the last number he knew by heart. The phone on the other end rang eight times when his persistence was finally rewarded.
"'ello?" the voice of Jennifer Coates, heavy with interrupted sleep, sounded to his ears like the harps of heaven at that very moment.
"Jen, it's Harm."
"Oh. Uhm... hi?"
"Yeah, hi. Listen, I am sorry I woke you up but I really need to reach Mac and she is not picking up her phone."
"Oh, well, it is super late over here, sir, maybe she is just sleeping really deeply?" Jennifer suggested more alert now. If he wasn't on the verge of panic he would have laughed. He had known for years Mac was battling insomnia. And even if she were sleeping the repeated ringing of her landline on the night table would have woken her up and she would have given him a verbal hell. He really wished he could hear her swearing at him right now.
"No, Jen. Mac is definitely ignoring her phone. Or she is not at home. I was hoping you could clear up something for me since I cannot ask her. Why is she on medical leave? What happened to her? Is she sick? Injured? Oh God is she in a hospital?! Jen? Jen!? Are you there?! Tell me!"
"Sir!" Jennifer shouted into her receiver to stop Harm's rambling. "Take a breath. I will tell you what I know. Granted it is not much. But I am quite surprised the Colonel didn't tell you herself. I thought the two of you were ... close."
"Jen, you are killing me here."
"Sorry. The Colonel was not looking well for quite some time now but she always insisted she was fine, just a little overworked."
"What do you mean by not looking well?" Harm interrupted, conjuring the image of Mac as he had seen her last. Could it really have been over three months? Sure. She had lost a little weight he would have preferred to stay, but not as much as to alter her. And she still looked gorgeous.
"She was very pale and just ... tired all the time. She was very quiet and withdrawn. It was nothing huge just all the little things that added to each other and you could just tell not everything was alright."
"Is she ill, then?" he asked softly. "Is that why she is on leave? What is her condition?"
"That's just it, sir. I don't know. Maybe General Cresswell knows now but he might be the only one. He was the one who went with her in the ambulance and spent two hours at Bethesda before he returned to JAG to tell me to prepare her medical leave papers. But he didn't tell me anything. Said it was Colonel's private matter."
Harm felt the world around him sway a little.
"Ambulance? Jesus Christ, Jen! What aren't you telling me!"
"I'm sorry, sir! I really wish my narrative skills matched the speed of my brain sometimes. I have always had a problem with..."
"Jen!" he almost shouted.
"Ok! Ok! I am sorry! Four days ago she was at court, in the middle of her closing argument, actually, and they say she looked really bad since morning, with glassy eyes and clammy skin, and then she suddenly was on the floor, unable to move and crying in pain. Commander Turner ordered somebody to call an ambulance and then he tried to help her get back on her feet, but she was unable to, so he sent the word to General Cresswell and crouched down beside her and tried to comfort her the best he could. The ambulance took ten minutes to get there and they gave her an injection of something and carried her out on a gurney."
Jennifer fell silent, almost sensing the tension on the other end of the line, even if she couldn't see Harmon Rabb sitting on the floor, his head tilted back, his eyes closed in despair. Had he ever felt this helpless?
"Is there anything else you can tell me?" he finally broke the silence, not feeling brave at all to hear what else she might have to say.
"No. Except maybe..." she hesitated.
"Just tell me," he whispered.
"Sir, this may not even be true, but somebody told me that... that there was some blood running down the Colonel's legs when they carried her out."
No. No, no, no. She had an operation. She was getting better. She would be OK. And somehow they would beat the odds. He repeated those lines to himself now, but they sounded feeble and ridiculous in face of Jen's revelations. Because unlike Jennifer he knew about Mac's endometriosis. When she had confided in him at the Admiral's dining out, he set out on the quest to find every information possible on the illness, its symptoms and treatments. In fact, he had spent so much time reading the internet articles and medical books he sometimes thought he might be one of the leading experts on it now, at least among the men of non-medical professions. If Mac was pale and glassy-eyed and crying on the floor, she must have been in such severe pain he didn't dare to imagine it. He knew his Marine. She was tough. He had seen her shot and bruised and blinded but she always managed to pull herself through the physical pain. The image of her crying on the floor of a courtroom, curled up into a tight ball, unable to move, was all the more horrifying in its improbability.
"Sir?" Jen tried to get his attention when the silence stretched on for almost two minutes. Harm ran his hand over his eyes.
"Yeah, I am still here," he replied, trying to steady his voice.
"I am sure she will be OK," Jen tried to comfort him. "She probably just needs some rest. The leave should help her. Who knows? Maybe she will be back before you!" she added and they both knew she was lying and her optimism was a fake one this time.
"Jen, is Mac still at Bethesda?"
"No, sir. I believe she was discharged yesterday. If she isn't at home maybe she decided to go out of town for her leave? You know, maybe a spa or a ranch somewhere?"
"Yeah. Yeah, maybe," he said but did not believe that either. "Jen, could you please make sure she isn't at her apartment?"
"It's the middle of the night, Sir."
"I know. I mean, in the morning. Before you get to work? Please?"
"Of course, sir. I will stop by and let you know."
"Thanks, Jen. I am going to hang up now. Sorry I woke you again," he said and without waiting for her reply he hung up. He couldn't do anything else but go to sleep right now. That would be the most sensible thing to do. So he undressed with fingers that were shaking and got into his bunk. His eyes refused to close though. At the very same moment, on the other side of the world, Sarah Mackenzie was probably awake as well trying to appear all brave as she was battling her pain, he deduced and hoped he was wrong. Maybe the visit to the hospital was her last one. Maybe everything would go swimmingly from now on. Hasn't she had enough problems already? Could she not catch a break!?
Frustrated, angry and still terrified, he switched on the light again and reached for the book he was reading. there, sitting right between the pages 72 and 73 was the photograph he had carried with him ever since he had first left JAG to chase a by-gone dream of flying. He gently ran his fingers over it. He remembered bribing Tiner, who had taken the picture at one of the informal JAG parties at Mattoni's house, to get the photo. She was wearing a light summer dress in it and was holding a bunch of sunflowers. She was smiling.
"Hold on," he whispered to her image. "Just hold on a little longer. I am coming home soon. I promise."
