Disclaimer - I own nothing you recognise.
Challenges listed at the bottom.
Warning for Terminal Illness (Cancer) and Character Death.
Word Count - 1575
all the words i never said
It didn't have to be this way.
Sirius sat in the hospital bed, a book in his lap. He wanted to read it, to finish it, but he didn't even have the energy to hold the book up.
"Knock, knock."
He blinked, shifting his head minutely to look at James. "You did not actually just say knock knock, did you?"
"Nah, you're hallucinating."
"You think you're joking," Sirius muttered.
"You look like shit," James said. "Also, here. I brought you chocolate. Fuck fruit. Whoever said take healthy food to a sick person was a dumbass."
"When you're right, you're right," Sirius agreed.
James put the large bar on the table and sat down, slouching so he could kick his feet up on the end of the bed. Sirius couldn't help but look back at the door.
"Remus is running late," James said quietly. "He'll be here in a bit."
Sirius sighed but nodded. "Yeah… yeah of course he will."
James swallowed. "He's… struggling. We know this. I think it's hard for him, to see you looking so… ill."
Sirius snorted. "So sorry for him, that this is bad for him."
"Ahh, I didn't mean it like that, mate."
Sirius slumped back. "No, I know. I just… we've spent the best part of the last year apart already and I'm not… this isn't going to get better. I guess, I guess I just thought maybe he'd want to spend time with me, while he still can, you know?"
"Don't talk like that," James snapped.
"James…"
"No."
Sirius stared at him for a long moment and then nodded, moving the conversation onto easier subjects as he asked about Lily and Peter and their other friends. James eyed him gratefully before he launched into the latest gossip.
Sirius took it all in, greedy for every detail that he should have been there to witness first hand. It would help him feel a little less lonely when visiting hours were over.
…
There were three more afternoons spent with James, once with Lily too, and two visits from Peter before Remus entered the hospital room, eyes sheepish, angry and scared all in one vulnerable look.
"Hey."
Sirius blinked at him. He was having a bad day, barely able to move his heavy limbs.
"Hey."
"I… Sorry I haven't been for a while," Remus muttered awkwardly, shuffling over to the chair by the bed. "It's been…"
"Hard. I know."
Remus sighed, and Sirius closed his eyes. He couldn't… he didn't want to do this. He and Remus had only been together for a few months when he'd gotten diagnosed with the harsh strain of cancer that was ravishing his body from the inside out, though they'd been friends for years.
Sirius couldn't help but think that if they'd only stayed friends… maybe Remus wouldn't have abandoned him so thoroughly.
"I think we should break up," he whispered, interrupting whatever Remus was stuttering through. He opened his eyes to see Remus staring at him.
"Are you… are you joking?" Remus asked.
"Does it look like I'm joking?" Sirius replied blandly. "It… I'm not going to get better, Remus. I have weeks, a couple of months if I'm lucky… and that's only lucky if you count being in agonising pain for longer."
"You don't know that," Remus whimpered, his eyes filling with tears.
"Actually I do, and you'd know it if you showed up more than once a month," Sirius snapped, his bitterness showing in his tone. "They told me three weeks ago."
"Sirius, I just… I love you," Remus muttered. "I love you so much and seeing you like this… it hurts. I just… I want things to go back to the way they were. We were so happy. I want that back."
"Things change. Life happens and it sucks, but don't you think that not seeing you at all is hurting me too? Don't you understand that lying in this bed day after day is sucking the life out of me more than the cancer is? Remus, the highlight of my day is mealtime, because at least then, I have something to do."
"Don't… I'll do better," Remus promised, pulling the chair closer to the bed. He reached for Sirius' hand but Sirius flinched and he aborted the movement. "Sirius, please."
"Just go, Moony. I'm tired, and I'm hurt and I'm angry, and I don't want to do this anymore."
"Sirius-"
"Get out."
"Sirius!"
"Get. OUT!"
Remus choked on a sob and fled the room, leaving Sirius to cry alone, the tears flooding into his ears because he didn't have the energy to lift his hands and wipe them away.
…
"You look great," Lily said, kissing Sirius' cheek.
Sirius grinned cheekily. "Thank you very much. I told you that you should have ditched that loser and date me instead," he said, nodding his head to James.
James rolled his eyes. "I don't care how persuasive you think you are, you'll never convince Lily to leave me for your dumb ass."
"I'll have you know I'm very persuasive. I even get an extra cup of tea of the nurse in the morning!"
James and Lily chuckled. They all settled in, and James was practically bouncing in his seat.
"What's going on?" Sirius asked, raising his eyebrow.
"We're having a baby!" James blurted, before Lily could even open her mouth. She chuckled at him shaking her head.
"As you can see, James is very excited."
Sirius felt a rush of emotion, both negative and positive, and he didn't say anything for a moment, trying to process how he felt. While he was bitter and angry and selfishly jealous, he was also overwhelmingly happy for his friends.
He decided to focus on the happiness, and he smiled widely at them both. "That's fantastic news, congratulations!"
"We, uh. If we have a boy, we want to name him after you," James said after a minute, swallowing against a sudden lump in his throat. "You… you've always been important to me, to both of us and, well…"
Tears slid down Sirius' face and he tugged James closer so he could hug his best friend.
"Middle name, eh?" He offered, when they pulled back. "Don't curse the poor kid like my parents did to me."
James choked on a watery laugh, and Lily shook her head, wiping away her own tears.
"Deal," James agreed.
Visiting hours drew to a close, and James and Lily prepared to leave. Sirius hugged James extra tight, as tight as his meagre strength would allow him. James ruffled his hair when they pulled away. "I love you, mate."
Sirius nodded. "I know. I love you too." He glanced at Lily and then back at James. "Give us a minute, would you?" he asked.
James nodded, and Lily perched herself on the bed beside Sirius' hip as James left the room, closing the door quietly.
"You know they say that there's a day or two that's really good, just before the end, right?"
Lily stared at him, her green eyes swimming with unshed tears. She nodded.
"Look after him for me," Sirius requested, nodding at the door. "Just… bear with him. He can be an asshole, you know that, but he loves you with every fiber of his being. Take care of him."
"I will," Lily replied, her tears falling freely now. "I promise you, I'll take care of him. And Remus."
Sirius swallowed hard but nodded. "Yeah, I… Yeah. Take care of Remus, too. Tell him I love him and I'm sorry. I would have spent my life with him."
"He loves you too, Sirius. I promise you, he does."
"I know," Sirius admitted. "I know he does. I love you, Lils."
"I love you too. We'll see you tomorrow, okay?"
…
James lounged in front of the fireplace, Lily leaning against his side. Remus and Peter sat in the armchairs, chuckling as Lily told them about James reaction to the pregnancy in the doctor's office.
James phone rang, interrupting the conversation, and he stretched to reach it. He frowned when he saw it was the hospital and sat up, gently nudging Lily off him as he answered the phone.
Lily seemed to catch on immediately when James' face paled and she raised a hand to her mouth.
When James put the phone down, he looked first at Lily, and then their friends. "We need to get up to the hospital. Sirius… it's…"
Lily stroked a hand down his arm. "Go and get our coats, sweetheart. I'll drive."
…
Remus stood by the doorway. James and Lily were sitting on one side of the bed, crying openly as they comforted each other. Peter sat on the other side, silent tears streaming down his cheeks as he ran a hand through already messy hair.
There was a long beep, and then…
Someone was screaming. Remus wanted to tell them to shut up, because the noise was awful even it did cover up the beep that signified the end of Sirius' life.
It took him a moment, and Peter's strong grip on his arm, to realise that he was the one screaming.
"I didn't… I didn't… I didn't get to tell him," Remus choked out, stumbling over to the bed. "I didn't get to tell him that I love him."
"He knew," Lily whispered. "Remus, he knew."
Remus sobbed into the white sheets that covered Sirius' body. "But I didn't tell him."
Written for;
Character Appreciation - 12. Cup of Tea
Disney - C12. Someone who doesn't want things to change
Cookie's Corner - 8. Roses - "Thank you very much."
Book Club - Nobody Owens - Lonely / Running Late / Friendship
Showtime - 11. Persuasive
Lyric Alley - 14. Spent the best part of last year apart
Em's Emporium - 6. Mealtime
Angel's Arcade - 7. Tobias - "Does it look like I'm joking?" / RemusSirius / Screaming
Bex's Basement - 17. Gabby - Angsty Wolfstar
Northern Fairground - Igloo - Terminal Illness
Eastern Fairground - Paper Snowflakes - 14. Slash Pairing
Southern Fairground - Nice List - 16. Kristal - Chocolate
