"Amy, you alright?" Penny said, sitting next to her.

Amy looked at her friend, startled for a while, her eyes adjusting to the light in the hall. She fixed her glasses, and looked at Leonard who eyed her, his concern mirroring his wife's. Had she been lost too long?

"I'm alright," she said slowly, and smiled, her eyes sliding back to the door of Sheldon's room. He'd been gone too long, probably fallen asleep by now; otherwise he would have come back. He'd never been so quiet before.

Amy walked over to the other side of the hall and touched the stack of books, a white board, old fashioned like it was years ago at their apartment in The Los Robles. It took a while for Amy to register the fact that the interior of the house was designed exactly like Sheldon's apartment in Pasadena.

For him, things hardly had changed, but Amy could tell there was a ghastly difference between the Sheldon she'd left years ago and the Sheldon she met today. She saw the untouched pile of comic books, novels, biographies gathering dust, and on the other side of the cabinet were the DVDs of his favourite movies and shows. To keep the DV in the era of the streaming sites— only Sheldon could do that.

She gasped when she spotted a photograph of the group on an outing. Leonard and Sheldon stood side by side, and she was next to Sheldon. Penny, Howard, Bernadette, and Raj smiled at her in the photograph. A perfect picture captured in the frozen moment, exhibiting the testimony of something so real, so perfect, today it seemed unreal to her. To have a life that was almost full, the emptiness haunted her more in silence. The presence of Leonard and Penny faded out of her mind, leaving her alone in the hall, memories floating, a time travel she was both willing and unwilling to take.

Amy waited for a sound from the outside world before daring to move her body. Tears were fresh in her eyes, obstructing her sight. She eyed another photograph of Leonard and Sheldon, Sheldon with a grumpy expression, and Leonard standing still as though someone held him there on the gunpoint. She knew it was a photograph from a long time ago before she'd come to their lives. The third photograph made her heart drop. It was the prom night photo, Sheldon stood there with his eyes closed, while she herself smiled at him. He'd confessed to loving her that day. A moment Amy never thought would come in her life until that day. She hadn't been able to fall asleep that night. She hadn't told Penny and Bernadette about the moment until several days later when she herself was certain of his confession. Something had definitely changed since then between them even though she couldn't quite put her finger on it. The memories were like warm sweaters worn in the early winter mornings before the sunrise.

He'd kept all of their memories intact, the photographs, the comic books, the inside of the house, and the objects in the house placed exactly the way they were in Pasadena. He'd created a replica of his past but without the people who added value to it.

Amy choked at the thought. Realization came to her like a shape wave of tsunami, needles and swords heaped up in the moving waters as they cut her. He must've been so alone all those years. It had been a thought hammering over ever since she'd met Leonard, but the gravity of the situation was far more gruesome as she eyed the facsimile of his previous apartment. As if on instinct, Amy turned and looked for his laptop, entered the password, which hadn't been changed in all these years, and waited— she'd feared and waited, even prayed in her own way for this to be true and untrue. It was her photograph as the wallpaper in Sheldon's laptop. Amy bit her lip, stifling a sob, and moving back she collapsed on the couch. She'd wanted him to wait for her but not this way. What other way it could be, she did not know, but the thought of him having to live alone all these years did not comfort her.

All those birthdays, Christmases, and Thanksgiving dinners... Had there been no one beside him all these years? His neighbour said she was relieved that Sheldon had never had friends over. How could he have been this alone! Did he ever go over to his colleagues'? How did he celebrate his house warming ceremony? Who had been here with him? He must have received hundreds of phone calls and messages from people for winning the Nobel Prize, but what friends did he have? He'd always said he'd thank them in his speech, whenever he won the prize, and he'd done it.

"Amy," Penny said, placing her trembling hand on her shoulder. "You —"

"I thought it was a good decision to go away, but —"

"You couldn't have known, Amy. We didn't know any of this and we lived in the same house."

"But it wasn't supposed to be this way, was it, Penny?"

"No, but no one could ever know." Penny sat next to her. "Amy, I don't think I can truly explain.. but—"

Amy sighed. "I know," she said. No one could ever have guessed these things about Sheldon. No one could ever guess that he could love people in silence, and continue to do so for years while giving up was the easiest route. The world loved noise, believed those who shouted the loudest. But how could she have missed the obvious until this moment?

None of them moved. Night grew dark, slipped in the comfortable silence, unbroken except for the rhythmic noise of the crickets.

"What's this?" Leonard said, breaking the haze their silence had brought. He held a photo frame in his hands and passed it over to Penny.

"Sheldon attended Raj's wedding?" Leonard and Penny looked at each other, bewildered.

"Raj got married?" Amy asked.

"I'm sorry, I forgot to tell you." Penny said, as realization hit her. "It's been too much for —"

"It's alright. But when?"

"One and a half year ago," Leonard spoke.

"And you guys did go, right? If you did, how come you didn't meet each other there?"

Amy's words hung in silence for a brief moment that stretched forever before Leonard spoke. "We didn't attend the wedding."

"Why?"

Penny moved away from them and sat back on the sofa, clearly trying to avoid the conversation. Amy glanced back at Leonard, his gaze directed at the dark outside. He seemed to be avoiding the matter too, as though delaying would spare him from the explanation. Amy knew there was something more, something that their silence confirmed.

"Leonard, what happened? Why didn't you guys attend Raj's wedding?"

"It's not important, Amy," Penny yelled. "Nothing important happened. We were too far and Raj informed us too late, just two days ago, and—"

"Penny." Amy glared at her. "What happened?" Her voice was slow and sympathetic. Something terrible must have happened.

"Penny had a miscarriage," Leonard said, eyes still fixed at the darkness before him. "Howard and Bernadette were with us the whole time. My mother didn't have enough time to come over. Penny's family couldn't stay because of her brother. We were on our own."

There was another prolonged silence. "Did Sheldon know about this? And Raj?"

"No. We didn't tell them."

Amy looked at Penny, her eyes glistening with unshed tears.

"It's been a long time, Amy, and I'm totally fine. Hey, don't look at me like that." Penny stood up and went to the kitchen.

"I'm sorry, I'd had no idea," she said to Leonard.

"Well, it explains why Raj would come all the way to here for Sheldon."

"Life hasn't been fair to any of us, has it?" she said.

"Well, Raj got married. I'm happy for him."

"Why did he leave, Leonard? What happened all of a sudden that Raj left for India?"

"Howard happened," Leonard said with a hint of resentment in his voice. "Well, you know, Howard and his jokes? He didn't know when to draw the line. No matter what anyone told him, he couldn't not make any jokes about a situation."

Amy agreed.

"Raj's parents had split up and he took his parents' separation pretty hard. He'd been dealing with the grief in his own way. And then he broke up with Emily, because his parents' divorce affected quite badly. He'd been questioning if after all the dedication in a relationship, his marriage would meet the same end as his parents' did. Howard being Howard, continued to make jokes, and it was obvious he'd gone too far that day. Raj didn't say a word to us, but two days later, he submitted his resignation at the University, and left."

"No one tried to stop him?"

"We did. But he wouldn't listen. Howard's not been the same too. He did to Raj what I did to Sheldon."

"Still Raj invited you all to his wedding."

"He did."

"But what does he think of you not attending it, Leonard? You guys were his only close friends."

"We didn't want to break the news to him like that, so we apologised for not making it to India. But we haven't been in touch since."

"Why?"

"For the same reason we hadn't been in touch with you, Amy. Time changes everything. Old connections are lost. Friendships die. And when we look back, we don't truly realise what time it was that changed things. You know what I mean?"

Amy nodded. "Is there a chance Rajesh would come back?"

"You think he would?"

"I don't know. I wish he did."

"He's settled back home, Amy. He has everything now. He's made peace with his parents. He has a family of his own and now he's married. Why do you think he'd want to come back here?"

For them? For his friends? Weren't they like a family, too? She'd never been close to her family as she was to these people.

"Amy, I know what you're thinking, but we haven't spoken in a long time, and—"

Leonard's words were interrupted by the sound of the footsteps. Sheldon stood in the hall, his eyes tracing the room before they halted at Amy. Her stomach flipped and she looked away. It wasn't the judgement in his eyes that bothered her — something she had feared — but the lack of emotions that did. His gaze held no feelings, no anger, and certainly no judgement towards anyone.

Leonard moved towards Sheldon, who by reflex, stepped away from him.

"Come on, Sheldon," Leonard said. "Talk to us, please?"

Sheldon stood like a statue, the black colour of his shirt blending perfectly with the darkness of the hall.

"You talked to Penny," Leonard said, resigned and desperate. "At least say something, please?"

He was still silent.

"How can you talk to Penny but not me?"

"She didn't hit me, did she?"

"Come on, Sheldon," Leonard moved closer to Sheldon, once again to be met with the growing equal distance. Penny entered the hall, munching chips, a handful of them were tucked in her palms.

"And she doesn't think she has to tolerate me either."

Leonard shut his eyes, recalling the incident that changed everything, the words he wished he could take back. He'd thought he needed to give Sheldon a reality check, but no amount of lessons were worth the pain he'd given his friend.

Sheldon looked at Penny who had stopped midway and looked almost guiltily at Sheldon. He gulped, realization dawning.

"Oh.." He nodded his head in acceptance. How could he be such a fool? How could Penny be any different?

"Sheldon, sweetie, that's not what I meant," Penny said, placing the snacks at a saucer on the table.

"Can I have some time alone?" he said. "Please."

"Sheldon, you —" Penny began, but Leonard interrupted her.

"I guess we should give him some time," he said. Leonard came towards Sheldon, and placed his hand on his shoulder, who flinched at the contact. Much to his own surprise, Leonard found himself hugging Sheldon. "I missed you, buddy." A single expression could express so much. Regret, guilt, and most importantly, love for his closest friend. Sheldon simply stood, his arms resting at his side. A small drop of tear made its way to his cheek before disappearing in the collar of his shirt. Sheldon tried to say something but the lump in his throat was too heavy for any words to be out.

Leonard and Penny looked at Amy. "I'm not leaving him alone," she said. "I'll see you guys later."


It had been a while since Leonard and Penny left. The night had darkened beyond measure, stars disappeared, preluding the downpour any given moment. Amy sat quietly without making a noise, fearing that it might break the trance of whatever imagery comfort she was using as a shield. Neither her nor Sheldon had spoken a word. She had to look in his direction to ensure he was in the room, that it wasn't just an imagination of hers where she found herself again and again in order to comfort herself. She was afraid to close her eyes, terrified that she would wake up back in her room in New Jersey, and none of her journey to London would have happened. Even if it was a dream, she wanted it to last forever. The rationalist in her sneered in derision at the absurd thoughts her brain harboured. Of course, it wasn't a dream. She'd slogged her way to this place in hope of revival what she'd chosen to give up years ago.

He didn't ask why she hadn't left too. He didn't question her arrival. Amy wanted him to talk to her; it would much easier to be in the room with him. She looked at Sheldon who sat silently, lost in his own world. He'd never been so quiet before. She'd never thought he was capable of this much silence.

"Sheldon, are you hungry? I'm starving," she said.

He moves slowly and looked at her, startled at the sound of her voice. "I guess so."

"Do you have something so we could cook or you want to order something?"

"There's a place nearby."

"Perfect."

Sheldon and Amy walked silence, each lost in a different world, however their thoughts wandered in the same direction, wondering if they'd been transported into a dream. Sheldon found it utterly unbelievable that Amy had indeed returned. Was she upset with him because he'd thanked her in his speech? He'd thought over it for a long, long time, and decided to go ahead because he didn't want to leave out one person who was more important to him than anyone in the world. But now, he couldn't decide if he made the right decision. Was she angry? He couldn't tell from her gestures and her silence didn't help him. What was he supposed to deduce from her sudden appearance? Sheldon briefly closed his eyes, trying to remember her expressions when she was happy, the smile he missed when she was gone. They'd often talked about their scientific ventures together. He'd promised her if they ever had to leave earth for Mars, they would leave the planet together. He remembered how he'd taken the decision without Amy and it had upset her. He didn't know if he was supposed to take this decision with her until she'd told him she wanted to spend her life with him. Yes, he'd wanted to spend his life with her, too. He'd made plans, but none of them were without Amy. He found it amusing that he'd lived though them without her anyway.

Sheldon realized he'd spent his life's years in a cold shell, a world built with fogs and icy crystals where the sun hardly ever shone. Every single day he'd waited for the cold to end while it consumed him, forcing him to embrace the enticing darkness that felt more real than the imaginary light the philosophers talked about in their writings.

Life was very different from the movies and the books he'd read. One of the benefits of being in a fictional world was that your life could skip at the author's whims to any point the creator wished. A moment you might be suffering in Hell, the another moment you were in another place with the healed wounds but with the scars, yet strong enough to sustain yourself. The real life was far from the fancies of the fictional worlds. You had to live your life, grating every day against the wheel of time that refused to stop, moments expanding and contracting as every second left scars, deep cuts that grew red marking the passing of the time and the lost life. He'd spent his days in the darkness that tasted like rocks and thorns, dried out roses in the pages of the books.

He looked at Amy. At this moment, her face seemed blank, barely illuminated in the lights of the street lamps.

They passed the street and came to the main road, heading forward to the small restaurant that reminded him of all things from his past, the times he would rather forget but he couldn't bring himself to do so. He'd not been in the restaurant in a while, his time taken away by the interviews at the University and other responsibilities that came with something so big happening. The rest of the time he spent in his house, keeping in touch with no one. However, he'd tried to avoid the media as much as he could, refusing more people waiting for him to interview than sitting through them. It was the University that convinced him for some of the media presence for its benefits, which he did out of curtsey.

"It will help the University if you appear in the media, sir," someone at the University told him. He'd agreed for some.

Sheldon had been too used to being alone that Amy beside him occasionally surprised him. He wanted to know her thoughts, wished desperately he could read her mind, or at least remotely guess what was going on in her head. All these years he'd hoped for Amy to come back, and even though he never believed in the presence of a deity, Sheldon had often prayed for her to return. What if she came back only to go away again? He quickened his pace, drawing himself away from Amy, who caught up with him breathless without uttering a word.

When they reached the restaurant, silence wore on until Amy said she would be paying the bills.

"You're the guest here. I can't let you pay." He said no more, and Amy took her cue to not argue.

The staff was delighted to see him again after a long time. "I saw you on TV. Richard said you'd be giving an interview." The owner of the restaurant said with a smile. Richard was his son whom Sheldon had often helped in physics and calculus.

When they came home, Sheldon gestured Amy to sit down, and sat on the other side of the couch. He wished he knew what was she thinking.

"I'm sorry about your grandma," she said at last after a lot of thought. There was nothing else Amy found herself ready to discuss. "I didn't know about it until today."

He nodded and drew a deep breath.

"How's every one back home?" Amy turned to look at him. The expressions on his face were more grim, almost dark, as though he was in physical anguish.

"They're all fine, I guess." His voice was quiet and smooth, cut from the realm of reality.

"You guess?" Amy asked. She steadied her own quivering voice. "Sheldon, when was the last time you talked to your mother?"

"It's been a couple of months."

"Why?"

He sat quietly, staring at nothing in particular, gaze hazy as tears pooled in the corner of his eyes.

"Sheldon, why did you do all of this?"

"What do you mean?"

"This, living alone here, on your own. All these years."

"What else was I supposed to do?"

Amy swallowed, ignoring the tears forming in her own eyes. "You had friends who loved you. No one wanted you to go away."

"Yeah, right." He answered with a slight laugh that contained no hint of amusement.

"Our friends, they were going to be with you."

"You mean your friends?" he said bitterly.

Amy was taken aback at the raw harshness in his tone. It wasn't something she was used to; this wasn't the Sheldon she had ever witnessed. It was as though the Sheldon she knew had been lost, lying curled up behind the facade he put up for show. "You can't deny they —"

"Totally," he said even before Amy could finish the sentence. "Just because I have hard time getting people's feelings and I can't read emotions, you don't have to lie to me, Amy."

"If you don't consider them your friends, why do you still have their photographs in your house, Sheldon?" Amy said. "Leonard's book. It right there in the bookshelf. And you send them Christmas gifts every year even though you hate celebrating Christmas. And you even went all the way to India, despite you hating the flights and your germophobia. You can't be kidding me right now."

"When we broke up, you'd said I was too selfish and you wanted to remain broken up with me. Guess what? You're right. I am extremely selfish. I am the kind of person who one wouldn't want to be with in any circumstances."

"That's not true," Amy said. "I was hurt and angry that time. In anger, no one means what they mean. Leonard didn't mean to hurt you too."

"Lies. My father did this all the time. So did my sister and brother. They'd say things when they were angry. And all they said was I was an inconvenience at home. You think they were telling me lies too?"

"Sheldon, I'm sorry you had to go through that." He'd never told her about the details of his childhood. She'd known about the bullying, his father's alcohol issues, and how his siblings usually left him out of their adventures. She gently placed her hand on his, surprising him. "I'm really sorry. But you can't deny our friends did love you."

Sheldon looked away and sighed.

"Say it, Sheldon," Amy insisted. "You couldn't have discarded everyone away from your life just like that."

"How does it even matter?"

"Because there are people who love you and care about you."

"Really? Don't tell me, Amy, no one ever said they'd be happier without me. And that no one ever said you could do better than me. That you deserved someone better."

"Sheldon," Amy said, resigned. "How does that matter?"

The expressions on his face changed. The hint of curiosity was immediately replaced with hurt. His eyes glistened, lips pursed. The hollowness briefly concealed was back in his eyes.

"Because you did leave," he said softly. "You did find someone better and you married him." His voice became shallow as he spoke. "So, it does matter to me."

Amy closed her eyes, regret filling her like a body of the river. "I'm sorry, I didn't think you knew." She didn't want to say the words aloud, but they came out anyway. What was there for her to explain? She'd believed her relationship wasn't going anywhere, and she'd tried to move on, but couldn't. Despite this, all these years, all her life, she'd never loved anyone except for him.

But what was it that would convince him that people did really love him? For a long, long time she'd found herself lost on the shores of uncertainties, but when she looked past the horizon at the setting sun, Amy realized despite the years having passed, neither she nor Sheldon had moved away from each other. She had tried to get over him at one point, unsuccessfully so, and returned to him, but how was she going to bring him back?

It was going to be a long journey to haul.


Author's Note: Thank you everyone who read and commented on the previous chapter. It really means a lot. Also, please ignore the typos. It's midnight here and I might have left something out.