She felt herself get yanked from sleep, something within her sensing she needed to wake up, now.
Her eyes fluttered open, and the first thing that registered were his pained grunts. When she glanced up at him, she could see his glistening skin, the way his eyes were clenched tight, brows knit as if in pain and she immediately knew what was happening.
Her hand came up to brush lightly across his cheek, doing her best to gently pull him from sleep as she leaned up to whisper in his ear. "Levi, Levi wake up, it's just a dream."
His eyes shot open, and her heart clenched at the pain and fear lingering in them.
He took in a shaky breath as his hand came up to stroke across her forehead, brushing through her hair, grazing down her cheek, before resting against the side of her face, as if checking to see if she was real. "Isa?"
Tears pricked in her eyes at the way his voice cracked around her name. She drew him close, letting his head rest against her shoulder.
"Shh, Levi, it's okay I'm right here."
He buried his face in her neck, drawing her tight against him, fighting to gain control of his shuddering breaths, heart still racing at what he'd seen.
Her fingers stroked gently through his hair, massaging lightly at his scalp, doing her best to comfort, to soothe. She could feel him shaking, trembling, knew whatever nightmare he'd had must have been horrible. Just as he had with her, she would do everything she could to wash away the terror that had come with the nightmare.
"Levi, talk to me. What happened?"
He took in another shaky breath, only sharing part of the nightmare, unsure of how to tell her everything his mind had forced him to watch. "I…I saw you…die." His breath shuddered out on the word, hating the way it felt coming from his mouth when he was talking about her. Wrong. Completely wrong. Something he never wanted to happen.
Her heart broke for him at the pain in his voice, knowing exactly what that fear felt like, the fear of losing more people you cared about. She gently guided his head down so that his ear was pressed against her chest.
How did I not notice this earlier? That he was more shaken about what happened than he let on.
Was he just hiding it that well?
I hope I get better at reading him, that way it doesn't get to this point. I know it's hard for him to talk about these things. I need to be able to give him a push when it's needed, the way he does with me.
She kept stroking lightly at his hair, gently scratching her nails against his scalp. "Do you hear that, Levi?" She whispered, wanting to soothe. "That's my heart, I'm alive, we're both alive, we're both safe. I'm alive, thanks to you. You saved me, you protected me, just like you promised me. I'm alive, and I'm right here."
He buried his face against her, arms wrapped tight around her, hand cradling her head, keeping her close, needing to feel that she was still with him, still alive, the sound of her breaths, her heart, echoing in his ear.
"I don't want to lose you." His voice was muffled against her, but this time, she heard the way his voice wavered.
She kissed the top of his head, brushing her fingers gently through his hair, struggling to keep her tears at bay, refusing to let this become about her own pain, and she could feel the tension slowly begin to leave him. "I know, Levi, believe me, I know exactly how you feel, because I don't want to lose you, ever, in any way. But it's like you always tell me, all that matters is right now. And right now, we're both here, and we're both alive."
He lifted his head, and her breath hitched when she saw the glint of tears in his eyes, and the relief she saw in them. He gently cupped her face in his hands, thumbs brushing lightly across her cheeks, tracing the shadows the moonlight cast across her delicate features, and her heart flipped at the warmth in his eyes, at the relieved smile slowly filling his face.
He leaned in to capture her lips with his, and her heart shuddered at the slow, gentle way he kissed her. That hazy fog was filling her mind again, and all she could feel, hear, smell was him. She tasted something salty, and realized that some of the tears that had been in his eyes must have spilled over.
She drew him closer, pressing up against him, framing his face in her hands, letting her love for him pour into the kiss, meeting his unspoken demands, his unspoken needs. She could still feel him trembling lightly, and her hand moved to brush through his hair again, shivering when she felt him lightly sigh into her mouth.
He pulled back, and she wiped at the stray tears that lingered on his cheeks, the softness of his skin always drawing her in.
She swallowed thickly at the intensity in his eyes, and could practically see his need for her. The idea that he needed her, just as she needed him, had her own eyes welling further, her body warming with love and desire.
He leaned in to kiss her again as he gently removed his shirt from her, baring her to him, breaking away only so he could pull it over her head. Her head spun when he pressed his lips against hers again, at the tender way he was seducing her with nothing more than his lips on hers. She could feel his need, his desire, and something else, something gentler, sweeter, warmer, in the way he kissed her, in the delicate way he held her face. She thought it felt as if he was content to do nothing more than this for the rest of his life.
He gently guided her to her back as he brushed his lips across her face, down her neck, taking his time to explore, and she shivered, sighing sweetly when he crossed the sensitive spot on her neck. Slowly kissing his way down to her breast, circling his way towards the sensitive peak, his hand coming up to tease the other, brushing his thumb across her nipple, the contrasting sensations sending conflicting pulls to her center.
Her hands came up to brush through his hair, a soft, sighing moan escaping her at the gentle way he teased her breasts, giving each one the same care, the same attention, sending golden heat flowing under her skin. She could feel herself melting into him, into the sweetness he was giving her. Everything inside her felt golden, as if she were glowing inside, bringing a light flush to her body. The pressure inside her was gently building, slowly, fueled by the way he cherished her.
He pulled back, hovering over her, looking down at her and his heart clenched at the sight. There was no way for her to know how desirable he found her, how beautiful he saw her, splayed out underneath him, lips swollen from his kisses, eyes full of warmth, affection, trust as she looked up at him, body flushing with arousal from the simplest of touches. The moonlight cast gentle shadows over her, giving her a delicate look, one that made him want to protect no matter what, always. The affectionate smile on her face had an answering warmth moving through him, the one he finally understood, even if he couldn't bring himself to even think the words yet.
So he'd show her.
His hands were tender as they teased her body, caressing across her silky skin, eliciting aroused sighs from her, turning to low, heated moans, that had his own blood rushing through his veins. His hand moved down to cup her, head spinning at how wet she already was. He easily slid two fingers inside her, his other hand clenching at the tightness, easily remembering exactly how she felt surrounding him. He set a steady pace, thumb coming up to gently circle her clit, eager to please, no desire to tease, simply wanting to learn everything about her, the way she did with him.
A choked moan escaped her at the building tension inside her, heated pulls flowing to her center. Her back arched when he took her nipple into his mouth, the fierce pull that came from the almost harsh way he sucked contrasting with the gentle way his fingers pumped inside her, hitting that spot each and every time.
So lost in the pleasure fueling the growing knot, breath panting out, she didn't notice when he moved his head from her breast to between her legs, until she felt his mouth replace his thumb on her clit, pulling a surprised gasp from her when he flicked at it with his tongue, teasing it, toying with it, and she could feel the pressure threatening to burst. When he gave it a sharp suck, she snapped, a choked sound falling from her as her hands came to rest on his head, fingers threading tight into his hair.
The searing waves kept crashing over her as he kept licking, flicking, sucking at the sensitive bundle of nerves, his fingers still pulsing, rubbing against that spot each and every time. Breathy moans spilled from her as her hips rolled involuntarily against his face and fingers, seeking more of the delicious tension only he could bring her. She had no idea how long the waves lasted, until she finally slumped against the mattress when he gently brought her back down.
She was floating, completely lost in the glowing sensations moving through her, oblivious to anything else except him when he pulled away to pull his clothes off, not noticing the rain beginning to patter against the roof, against the window, not noticing the way the wind was gently howling outside. For her, for him, this was their world, and in it, nothing else existed.
"Look at me."
His strained voice had her eyes fluttering open, hazy with bliss as she struggled to focus on him, but they went blind with pleasure, a throaty moan falling from her when she felt him slide into her, slowly filling her. Her legs wrapped around him as he began thrusting into her, needing him closer, and the slow pace he set had her feeling needy, frantic for the release she could already feel building inside her again.
Her hands came up behind her to hold onto the headboard, needing something to keep her grounded, his own holding her hips in place, and she relished in the feel of being at his mercy, her breath falling from her parted lips in high pitched pants, eyes never breaking from his. His own heated groans spilling from him echoing in her ears, fueling the desire curling deep within her.
Her release took her by surprise as she was shoved over the edge before she'd expected, the gentle waves washing over her, the intensity of it was more than she'd expected. His name fell from her lips on a drawn out, breathy moan, and the sweetness of it echoed in his ears, as he watched the way her back arched beneath him, her entire body trembling as she rode out the tension, eyes blurring as they held onto his, sending molten heat through him. Her walls clenching impossibly tight around him had him fighting back his own release as he pulled out of her, a strained groan escaping him.
The sudden emptiness had her eyes focusing on him, and she eagerly pushed him onto his back before he had the chance to do anything, wanting to give as much as he'd given.
She looked down at him, the affection and desire in his eyes sending an answering warmth through her as her hands came up to cup his face, stroking lightly at his cheeks. His own hands had come to rest on her waist, the heat of them searing into her, the way her eyes seared into him. She brushed her lips across his forehead, his cheeks, before taking his lips with her own, drawing out the kiss, following his lead and keeping it sweet and gentle, trying her hand at seducing him with nothing more than her lips.
Eager to please, she could tell he was desperate for release in the way his hands gripped tighter on her waist, so she slowly made her way down his body, hesitant hands lightly caressing across the ridges of muscles in his chest and stomach, thrills pulsing in her at the way the taut muscles quivered at the lightest brush of her hand. She grazed her lips and tongue across his chest, flicking her tongue across his nipples, confidence building in her with each sharp inhale, each strained groan that fell from him, spurring her to explore, to try.
She kissed her way down, taking him into her hand, stroking lightly, a shiver moving down her spine at the sound of his breaths beginning to pant out at the teasing touches.
Knowing this wasn't the time to tease, sensing his need, her desire to please took over. She took him into her mouth, following his lead and setting a gentle pace, as she timed the movement of her head with the stroke of her hand, wanting him to feel the way she'd felt, the sweetness of the release that was as intense as ever.
She could tell he was close when she glanced up at him, his eyes clenched tight, breath panting out turning to grunts as she swirled her tongue around his tip. A final, sharp suck was all it took for him to give a final buck against her, his release filling her mouth as a strained groan fell from him. Getting easier each time, she made sure to swallow each and every drop, waiting until his body relaxed before pulling away, giving the tip a loving kiss.
She made her way up his body, brushing light kisses along his skin as he came back down, settling her arms across his chest.
Relief filled her when his eyes opened and she saw no pain, no fear, only affection and the lingering remnants of desire. No nerves for the moment, she leaned in to graze her lips across his, her hair curtaining around him, enveloping him in her scent.
She let her forehead rest against his, his arms wrapping around her, holding her close, fingers tracing light patterns across her back.
"Are you okay?" She asked gently, concern for him filling her.
His only response was to bring his hand up to cup her face, thumb brushing lightly at her cheek, his own face relaxed, and she could see the answer in his eyes. Pressing her lips against his cheek, she rolled to her side and let her head drop against his shoulder, snuggling as close to the heat of his body as she could. Her arm came up to rest beside her head, thumb stroking lightly across his shoulder. His content sigh filled her ears as he drew her close against him, and she could slowly feel him relax against her, his breaths growing deeper as he fell asleep.
Only when she was certain that he slept soundly did she let herself drift off, the hushed sound of his heart echoing in her ears, reminding her as well that they were both still alive.
She was gently pulled from sleep, the warmth of the sun's rays filtering through her eyelids, the rain long having stopped sometime through the night. Her eyes fluttered open, focusing as she blinked the sleep out of them, and she saw that she was alone, knowing Levi must have already woken, most likely out in his office.
She stretched against the mattress, a humming sigh falling from her as she took in his lingering smell that brought an enamored smile to her face. Rising, she pulled his shirt back on, body warming at the reminder of how gentle he'd been the night before.
We haven't had the chance to do this as much as we'd like, but last night was different, something about him was different.
She made her way into his bathroom, washing off her face and brushing her teeth, pulling her pants back on, the routine of it filled her with joy, loving the feel of having a routine with him.
After finishing, she made her way to his office, leaning up against the doorframe as she took him sitting at his desk, admiring the way he looked, heart fluttering when his amused gaze came up to meet hers, as it always did when he caught her staring.
She wasn't sure what it was that spurred her to move, padding her way over to where he sat, sitting on his lap, legs draped across him as she settled onto him with ease as if she'd done just that for years. His eyes widened slightly at her bold move, though he didn't hesitate to bring his hands up to rest at her waist.
Her arms wrapped around his neck, taking in a breath for courage, and, without letting herself overthink, she brushed her lips across his, greeting him in the morning this way for the first time, and the taste of tea and mint filled her senses. She pulled back, smiling shyly at him, flushing when she caught the amusement in his eyes as he looked up at her.
"Hi," she whispered timidly, unsure of why she still reacted this way.
"Hi."
The amused sound of the word had her flushing further.
Unsure of what to do next, not having thought this far ahead she resorted to brushing her hand lightly at the bangs flopping over his forehead, always intrigued at the silky smoothness of his hair.
She nibbled at her lip, still concerned over his nightmare. "Are you okay?"
He took her hand in has, bringing it to his mouth so he could press a kiss to her palm, before linking his fingers with hers letting their hands rest against his chest. He smiled softly up at her.
"I am."
His eyes held her locked in place, and the intensity of it almost made her forget her question, heart fluttering at the way they pierced into her, feeling as if he could see all the way down to her soul.
He broke the silence first. "You said you're going to see that kid that you met?"
Her eyes lit up as she nodded, eager to see the blond-haired little boy. "Do you want to come with me? I'm sure him and his friends would love to meet you."
"It's okay, I have paperwork I need to do, and this place needs to be cleaned."
She nibbled at her lip, unsure if she should leave him alone after what had happened. "Are you sure you'll be okay?"
"I'll be fine," he reassured, "don't worry about me."
"Only if you're sure."
He simply gave her a small nod, and when she was certain that he would be fine, she kissed his cheek before moving of him, turning to give him a final wave before she walked out of the door, the memory of his affectionate smile imprinted in her mind as she scurried to her room, a slight skip in her step.
She made quick work of washing up and changing into some civilian clothes, a soft, worn in shirt she tucked into a simple, knee length skirt, pairing it with a black pair of shoes. She didn't want to deal with harsh words from citizens by wearing her uniform, not wanting to ruin the day. She headed over to the infirmary, ignoring the curious looks some of the other Scouts sent her way, hoping it simply had to do with her argument with Levi, and not because they knew about her relationship with him.
She didn't care if people knew, she just didn't want to deal with people misinterpreting what she had with Levi, having had experience with others, namely, Mark, Anna, and Derek, thinking she was the type of woman to use…sex…to get what she wanted. The thought had her mood darkening, and she quickly shoved it to the side as she entered the infirmary, putting all her focus on her best friend.
Relief flooded her when she saw Hange sitting up in bed, eating a small bowl of porridge. She settled herself into the chair beside Hange's bed, waiting for her friend to finish before speaking. She was grateful that no one else was in the infirmary, not wanting an audience for the argument that would happen so long as Hange was no longer in pain.
When the bowl was empty, Hange set on the table beside her, and Isa caught the almost nervous look she sent her way.
Isa looked at her friend, a brow raised in disapproval. "Do you feel better now?"
Hange swallowed thickly, not sure what to expect, never having angered Isa before. "I…I want to say no," she said with a tense laugh, "but yes, I feel better."
"Good." She took a deep breath and the words fell out of her. "Dammit, Hange, what the hell were you thinking!"
Hange winced at the words, at the disappointment in her friend's voice. "I know."
Her eyes narrowed at her friend, arms crossing in front of her. "Do you! Do you have any idea what you put me through! Do you know what I felt when Moblit came to me telling me he couldn't find you!"
"I—"
"I was terrified, Hange." Her voice wavered slightly at the reminder of Moblit's panicked voice telling her Hange was missing. "And my fear made me do something ridiculously insane. I left, on my own, to find you."
Hange sat up straight, hand coming up to rest against her head when the world slightly spun at the act, her own eyes narrowing at her friend. "What! Isa what the hell is wrong with you?"
Isa's brows shot up to her forehead. "With me?" Her tone incredulous. "What the hell is wrong with you!"
"Isa, you know better!"
She jabbed her finger in the direction of her friend as she spoke. "So do you! You can't tell me not to go run off on my own when you did the exact same damn thing!"
She was unsure where this side of her was coming from. This side of her that felt no fear that she would lose her friends by angering them. This side of her that felt confident in sharing when she was upset with something her friends had done, when something pissed her off.
"Then neither can you!" Despite knowing she was fighting a losing battle, knowing she was the one in the wrong, she couldn't help but utter the words.
"Hange."
She watched as Hange swallowed at her no-nonsense tone, one she'd never directed towards her.
She laid back on the bed, a weary hand passing over her face. "You're right, Isa, I…I shouldn't have done that."
She sighed, her own anger dissipating as fast as it had risen. She climbed into the bed next to Hange, curling up beside her best friend, the way they'd both done countless times back in training. Late nights where the two of them would stay awake while everyone else was asleep, talking about their dreams, their hopes. It had taken Isa a while to feel comfortable, confident enough in sharing her dreams, even the smaller ones, but Hange had always been able to fill the silence with her own.
Her hand came up to hesitantly brush away the stray hairs that had fallen into Hange's face. "Talk to me, Hange, why did you go?"
Guilt and shame filled her eyes, knowing how insanely dangerous it had been to go off that way, without even telling anyone, not a single person, that she was leaving. She sighed in defeat. "I was just so frustrated with Erwin refusing to listen, refusing to even consider, and I wasn't thinking."
"Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you talk to me?"
Hange's arms crossed tight in front of her, not wanting to admit why. "I…I don't know."
"Do you…do you feel abandoned?" She was afraid of the answer, but she needed to know.
"Of course not!"
She caught the way Hange's eyes shifted away as she spoke, the way her voice slightly wavered, and she felt her heart shatter, her body filling with guilt, her worst fear confirmed. She'd failed her best friend, her sister.
Her eyes welled at the realization of what she'd done. "You…you do."
Hange blew out a breath, unsure how to phrase what it was she felt. "I…yes, a little? Not abandoned, I just miss you."
An understanding smile filled Hange's face as her hand brushed through Isa's hair, wanting her friend to understand that she held no resentment towards her. "I'm thrilled for you, I've never seen you so happy, and it makes me happy to know that you took a step, a risk I know you were afraid to take, and that it worked out in the best possible way, in the way I knew it would."
Her smile faded, turning to a frown, eyes glinting with the faintest hint of tears. "But I miss you. We don't hang out like we used to, and I barely see you outside of training, outside of meetings."
Her need to comfort overrode her struggle with affection as she wrapped her arms around Hange's neck, hating that she'd abandoned her best friend, someone who had always been there for her. "Hange, I'm…I'm so sorry. I got so caught up in my relationship with Levi, I never stopped to think about you. I didn't mean for this to happen."
I…I didn't realize how difficult it would be to juggle two different types of relationships. When me and Levi were just friends, it was easier, since we didn't spend so much time with each other. But ever since we became a couple, we're together more often during the day, at night.
I've been a shit friend…I can't believe I did this. I never realized.
Hange's arms came around Isa, drawing her close, enjoying the feel of holding her best friend, unable to remember the last time she'd hugged her. It was rare for Isa to be the one to show affection first, though she'd come a long way since the two had met. It had never bothered Hange. She understood that Isa simply wasn't used to giving affection, to receiving affection, that Isa struggled with knowing when someone wanted to be her friend.
She'd felt it the first time she'd hugged Isa, that day those assholes came to try to take her away, to take her back to her own personal hell. The way Isa had hesitated slightly in bringing her arms around her, the almost awkward way she'd hugged Hange back, clearly not used to affection, and it had pissed Hange off.
Isa hadn't said much at first about what those people had done to her, but Hange had had a hunch that the bastards had been cruel to her, which she thought explained Isa's hesitancy. When Isa had finally told Hange the things those people had done to her, she could have committed murder. She'd wanted to grab her horse and ride to Mitras, marching right up to their door and wring their necks for hurting someone so sweet, so innocent, so beautiful.
It spoke a lot about a person's character to hurt a child, someone helpless, defenseless, and she could tell that Isa had trust issues, though she'd come so far. She'd always felt close to Isa, and she wasn't sure what it had been, but something had spurred her that first day of training to seek out Isa, to try to be her friend.
It was one of the best decisions she'd ever made.
She stroked gently at Isa's hair, knowing how much her friend enjoyed the feel, having done just this so many times in the past anytime her sister needed to be comforted. "It's okay, Isa, I promise, I understand. And I really am thrilled for you. I can imagine it's hard, even more for you, learning how to be in a relationship with him, so many firsts."
Hange knew that Levi would be Isa's first in every sense of the word. The only thing he wouldn't be, was her first kiss. Everything else, he was her first. Her first love, her first relationship, her first lover whenever the two took that step. She only hoped he wouldn't be her first heartbreak, though, she knew the man was in love with her, besotted with her, enamored with her, and she knew he would never do anything on purpose to hurt her. She had a sense that if their relationship ever ended, it would be from Isa, and never from him, though, she could tell that her friend was just as in love with him, as he was with her, and she had a sense that would never happen.
She'd always believed that some things were meant to be, that some people were simply meant to be together, always caught up in the romance of it, and she truly believed that Isa and Levi were meant for each other.
Levi brought out a confident side of Isa that Hange had only seen the briefest of hints of that one day back in training. This confident version of Isa that was showing herself had pride filling her, and while she knew she'd played a part in bringing that out, it hadn't been until Levi came into her friend's life that she'd truly blossomed.
Isa brought out a playful, kind, caring side of Levi that Hange had suspected existed within him, but had needed Isa's soft, shy, affectionate nature to draw it out. She'd only seen hints of it, and she imagined that when it was just the two of them, he was a completely different person. She was curious to see that side of him, but she knew it made it more special for her two friends that only Isa got to see that side of him.
She twirled her finger around Isa's hair, smiling at the way her friend snuggled closer, knowing how much she liked to cuddle with the people she cared about, once she got over her initial hesitancy. "I didn't say anything, because I wanted you to spend time with him, to take the time you needed to adjust."
A content sigh fell from Isa as she relaxed at the feel of Hange playing with her hair. "I wish you had said something, Hange. You're my best friend too. You mean so much to me, more than I know how to say."
She hadn't realized how much she missed simply talking to her friend, but now, she could feel an emptiness inside her being filled. The same way there were certain things that she could only do with Levi, there were certain things that she could only do with Hange. As time had passed, they'd both become so busy that it had been harder and harder to spend time together, though they'd both at least made the effort. Now she'd failed her best friend.
Hange's voice was reassuring as she spoke, wanting Isa to understand she knew how much Isa cared for her, never having needed Isa to say it. "It's okay, Isa. I know, and maybe I should have said something, I just...I didn't want to get in the way, didn't want to make you feel like you had to choose."
She honestly wondered how Levi had missed it, hadn't noticed how much Isa cared about him, when Isa was practically an open book when it came to someone she cared for, the way her eyes would fill with affection, the way she'd work to comfort them despite her own hesitancy with affection, the way she'd joke and laugh, always wanting to make someone smile, laugh. She'd been tempted to meddle, on countless occasions, and tell him that Isa wanted him, but she'd known her friend would not have appreciated that, so she'd held herself back. Barely.
In that moment, Isa was filled with a determination to never let this happen again, to never abandon Hange, or any of her friends, never wanting any of them to think she'd forgotten about them.
She pulled her head back so she could meet Hange's eyes, needing her to see the seriousness in them. "I promise you, Hange. I'm going to do better. I'm going to start making time for you again. You're my best friend, my sister."
She watched the way Hange's eyes lit up, and it spurred her decision, encouraging her resolve to do better. "I'm going to go meet Armin today, but next week, our next free day, I'm yours. We'll do whatever you want. We can even invite Nanaba and Nifa, but only if you want to. The day is yours to decide what we do."
Hange's face brightened, the widest grin Isa had ever seen filling her face. "I'd love that. And maybe it can be just you and me during the day, but we can have a sleepover, the four of us, that night, like we used to do with Lucy and Sherri."
"That sounds perfect to me, Hange."
Isa let herself settle back against Hange who had rolled onto her back, enjoying the feel of being beside her best friend, something she hadn't done in so long. She missed the way the two of them had always had time for each other back in training, back when they'd first joined. She remembered all the sleepovers the four of them used to have, though, they were hardly sleepovers, since they'd all lived together in the barracks. The four of them had gathered in Hange's bed, staying up late, talking about their dreams, their hopes, Lucy, Sherri, and Hange giggling over their crushes, teasing Isa over the way she'd flush at even the mention of boys.
Look at me now.
Hange's voice drew Isa from her thoughts. "How are the two of you? Is everything okay now?"
She nodded against Hange's shoulder. "It's fine, we argued last night, and I get why he was upset, and he had every right to be. I don't regret what I did, not completely, but I also feel like I should have waited for him. He's always been right there beside of me, never given me a reason to think he wouldn't be. He's…he's the reason I'm even still alive."
"What do you mean?"
She explained to Hange what had happened after she'd found her, how the titans had come out of nowhere, how she'd sent Luna off with Hange, how her gear had malfunctioned, how Levi had saved her.
Hange's mouth dropped in horror at what had happened, a fierce shiver hitting her at the knowledge of how close she'd been to losing her best friend, eyes filling with tears. She rolled back onto her side so that she could face her best friend. "Isa what were you thinking?"
Her own eyes welled at the sight, understanding Hange's concern, it was the same concern, the same fear she'd felt when Moblit had told her that Hange was missing. "I've lost so many people, Hange, all I could think about was the possibility of losing you too."
Hange's voice was thick as she spoke, having trouble speaking through the tears shining in her eyes. "If something had happened to you, because of me, I would never forgive myself."
"Then think about that next time you think it's a good idea to wander off alone."
Hange sniffled, knowing it would be difficult, but she would do the best to resist the urge to ever do something like this again. "I know. But, what about your gear? Why did it malfunction?"
Her confidence wavered, her eyes darting away from Hange as she tried to speak past the lump that had appeared in her throat. "I honestly don't know. Erwin is sending it to the Garrison to have it checked, but I'm worried."
Hange took Isa's face in her hands, bringing her friend's gaze back to hers as she filled with determination and the need to protect. Despite her concern, despite her fear, her voice was steady, refusing to ever let anything happen to Isa, not if she could help it, not as long as she was alive. "It's going to be okay, I promise, between me and Levi, we'll keep you safe."
A small smile filled Isa's face, knowing the two of them would do just that.
Not wanting to leave, but she didn't want to keep Armin waiting, she gave Hange a final hug. "I have to get going, but next weekend, I promise, I'm yours. We'll do whatever you want."
"I look forward to it."
She left the infirmary, racing to the stables, giggling at the almost excited look in Luna's bright eyes when she realized she would be going for a ride. She gave the mare a carrot she'd grabbed from her locker before saddling up Luna, making her way to Trost, needing to grab supplies before she met Armin at the fields.
As she walked through Trost, she couldn't stop the way she got lost in the sights, the hustle and bustle around her. It was early, and the district was just waking up, early birds meandering along as they moved from shop to shop.
She saw older couples, hand in hand, ambling along the pebbled path for no reason other than to enjoy each other's company. Before, seeing couples together would have filled her with sorrow, with melancholy as she wistfully looked upon something she would never had. But now, now she had someone, something she truly believed she'd never have.
The memory of him, his soft touches, his gentleness had her rubbing shyly at her arm as she strolled through Trost, a content smile filling her face, lip caught between her teeth.
She was greedy, and she wanted more, wanted it all. She wanted to try all the things she'd read about in her books, even if she felt ridiculous for using them as a reference of what she could do, of what they could do. It helped, more than she'd expected, that he was always patient with her, somehow giving her just the right amount of push, somehow knowing exactly when she needed one.
Something about the bright warmth of the sun's rays shining down on her coupled with the memories of everything they'd done was filling her with confidence, and she was excited for when returned home, to be back with him.
She stopped at the butcher, buying some fresh meat, and even though the amount took a good chunk out of her funds, it was worth it. She wanted to be sure those three children had a decent meal at least once in a while, knowing that the meager rations they received weren't enough to keep growing children healthy.
She'd done her best to help them when she could, but she was one person, and could only do so much. She was grateful that her own meals were provided to her, allowing her to splurge more on Armin and his friends when she could. She hoped that the blankets and pillows she'd given them had helped, knowing how chilly the nights could sometimes get.
The last thing she wanted, was for one of them to get sick because they couldn't keep warm.
Her next stop was the bakery, and she bought as much fresh bread as she could afford. With meat, they wouldn't have a way to keep it cool, to keep it from going bad, but at least the bread could last a while.
She wished she could do more to help them, she wished she could give them a home, comfort, stability, but she was limited in what she could do, and hoped that what she did was enough.
At the dairy, she bought some fresh cheese, what was left of it that is. She noticed that it was getting more and more difficult to get meat and dairy without the land within Wall Maria. She feared that one day these goods would no longer exist for those outside of Wall Sina. Knowing exactly how valuable the items were, she kept them tucked away tight in her satchel. Crime had been on the rise within the districts of Wall Rose, tension, stress, and fear in citizens were bringing out their worst sides.
She made her way back to the stables where she'd left Luna, the slightest skip in her step, and she took in everyone around her. She caught sight of young women flirting with young men, and she wished she knew how to do that, to flirt and seduce. Sure, there were the times where that more sultry side of her appeared, but that was always while they were in the middle of doing…things, and that side of her never appeared out of the blue, randomly, allowing her to confidently initiate and seduce him.
He didn't seem to mind, seemed to enjoy the almost awkward way she had initiated before, practically dragging him to his bedroom. And she was relieved that he would be able to initiate more, but she wanted to do the same, because she wanted to, not because she had to. Seducing him was different than telling him where she wanted him to touch her, what she wanted him to do. She wanted to be able to do that, but she didn't know how.
Sighing, she hooked her satchel onto Luna's saddle, climbing on and settling in, making her way to the fields near Trost where Armin and his friends were working. The ride to the fields was short, and as she approached, she could see the blond-haired little boy standing outside the lodging area, just as they'd planned. She couldn't help but laugh at the way he raced to her before she'd even arrived, practically tackling her in a hug when she hopped off Luna.
"Isa, you're here!"
Her breath huffed out of her at the force of his hug. Laughing, she wrapped her arms around him, drawing him close. "I am, I missed you, Armin."
"I missed you too. I…I was afraid something would happen to you outside the walls before I got the chance to see you again."
Guilt filled her at how close it had been to exactly that happening. Unsure of what to say, she just held him tighter, stroking at the silky hair on his head.
And that's when she noticed something.
"Armin, did you get taller?"
He pulled back, looking down at her, realizing that he was now the slightest bit taller than her. "I guess I did."
She gave a mock pout, though the humor in her eyes gave it away. "Armin, you are not allowed to get any taller, I forbid it."
He giggled. "Isa, I can't exactly control it."
She gave a feigned sigh of exasperation. "I guess you're right."
He tugged on her arm impatiently, and she couldn't help but smile affectionately at the type of energy only found in a child. "Come on, let's go. Eren and Mikasa are waiting in this spot in the forest we found."
"Here, hop on Luna and we can ride there, just tell me where to go."
She followed Armin's directions to a clearing within the forest, listening to his animated chatter of all the stories of his time working in the fields, and something dark was kindling inside her, hating that such young children had to do such difficult work. She was relieved that Armin didn't seem disgruntled, if anything, he seemed to enjoy contributing. That didn't change the fact that she wished he and his friends didn't have to do this to survive.
The two hopped off Luna when they'd arrived at the clearing, and she got her first look at Armin's two friends up close as he made the introductions. Eren looked as if he were about to burst as he bounced in his shoes, green eyes bright with childlike innocence and excitement. Mikasa eyed Isa warily, and she could have sworn she caught the slightest warning light in the young girl's gray eyes, as if she currently saw Isa as a threat.
Don't you worry, I'm not going to hurt any of you, but I understand your wariness. You remind me so much of Levi—or at least, the Levi I met at the beginning—and it's intriguing.
She pulled out the blanket from her satchel settling it onto the ground, sitting on top of it, bringing out the food as she did. She took in the eager looks from the trio, surprised to see that even Mikasa's eyes had brightened at the sight. Perhaps in another moment she would have found the famished expressions on their faces—the three of them near drooling—amusing, but in the moment, she could feel worry settling inside her.
She waved them down, encouraging them to sit with her. "Come on guys, dig in, there's plenty. Eat as much as you like."
The three sat down and almost simultaneously began grabbing everything in sight, eagerly building giant sandwiches and devouring them. The near ravenous, voracious manner in which the three ate had her concern growing even more.
Her brows knit together, that wrinkle forming between them as she frowned, turning to look at Armin sitting beside of her. "What do they feed you?"
Armin mumbled something behind a mouthful of food, and the unintelligible, garbled nonsense had her laughing despite her worry, though she was reminded of those people ridiculing her as a child for doing the same thing when she'd first been brought to Mitras.
'Proper young ladies never speak with food in their mouths, Isa. You would do well to learn this.'
'Chew with your mouth closed, you look like a cow with that half-masticated food we can see. For heaven's sake, close your mouth.'
'If you can't chew with your mouth closed, then that means you're eating too much at once. A proper lady takes small bites.'
'No man is going to want a woman who can't eat like a lady. You need to learn manners, Isa.'
She shoved the thoughts out of her mind, refusing to let them damper her spirits, slowly learning how wrong they'd been, and she took in Armin's sheepish expression as he paused to swallow his food before trying again.
He wiped his face off with the sleeve of his shirt before speaking. "Sorry, what I was trying to say, is that we do get three meals a day, but it's not much, usually just some type of bean stew and a piece of bread."
Her shoulders slumped at his words. She'd known they most likely weren't getting decent nourishment, but it was much worse than she'd expected. "I'm sorry, Armin. I wish I could do more to help, I really do."
He waved his hands in front of his face, shaking his head in disagreement, refusing to let her feel guilty for even a second. "Isa, it's okay, don't worry about us. You've done more than enough."
The corner of her mouth quirked up in amusement at how animated he was in the way he spoke, moved. "The good news is, is once you join the Military, you'll have a little more food at your meals. They do a better job in keeping you well fed, considering they want to build strong soldiers. You won't get meat or anything, but it'll be better."
She glanced over at Eren sitting across from Armin, and he seemed as if he was struggling to hold back his questions, his body practically vibrating with energy, Armin's words coming back to her.
'Just…fair warning…when you meet Eren, he's probably going to ask you many, many questions about what it's like outside the walls.'
She set her sandwich down, dusting the crumbs off her hands before turning completely so she could face Eren. "Okay Eren, what questions do you have for me?"
His eyes widened as he worked to swallow the bite of his sandwich he'd taken. "What's it like out there? How far have you guys gone? Have you had to kill any titans?"
Amusement filled her at the way his questions fired out of him, reminding her of Hange and the way she would get caught up in the questions swirling around in her head, needing answers to all of them almost simultaneously.
Her face softened as she thought back to her first memory of outside the walls, that first taste of pure freedom. "My favorite part is riding out of the gate, everything smells cleaner, the sun is brighter, the sky bluer, it's amazing how different it feels."
She frowned at the thought of his next question, sometimes wondering if what they were doing as Scouts was even making a difference. "As for how far we've gone, never managed to get very far before the wall was breached, and now we've been focusing on setting up supply bases, most likely in the hopes that we can eventually find a way to retake Wall Maria."
She met Eren's wide eyes, completely focused on her, and she could tell he was eager for answers, eager to know more, to see more, to finally know what's outside the walls.
She moved on to his final question, a gust of wind rustling through the trees surrounding them as she spoke. "I've managed to kill many titans, both alone, and with a partner."
His eyes narrowed at the thought of the titans, an almost wild, animalistic, predatorial look in them, voice dropping to an almost maniacal growl. "I'm going to kill all the titans, make them pay, eradicate them."
She had to struggle not to gape at him, the determination in his eyes was paired with a hatred that no child should ever have to feel. It reminded her of the hate she'd felt when she'd read that note Uma left her, the one where she'd divulged that she had sent Ethel out to her death.
Shaking the memory from her mind, her gaze turned serious as she spoke, brows slightly furrowed. "I understand what you mean, Eren, but I'm not going to lie to you, it's intense out there. As much as I enjoy the way everything looks, everyone is on edge, waiting for titans to show up. It's always the last thing we want."
She watched as he drank in every word she said, his eyes beginning to clear as she spoke. "A lot of people don't make it, and a lot of people have close calls. And even after we're back inside the walls, a lot of us struggle with sleeping, a lot of us have nightmares. I'm not going to tell you not to join, but I need you to understand what you're getting yourself into."
He shook his head as if to erase the remnants of darkness that had been building within him, eyes brightening once again, moving on to another question. "Have you had any close calls?"
She fidgeted as the memory of two nights ago came back to her. "I have, and the most recent time was my own fault if I'm being honest."
"What happened?"
Sighing, she explained to them the events of her most recent expedition, how she'd risked her life going off on her own outside the walls in an attempt to rescue her best friend.
She took in their expressions, each one so different. Armin's brows were knit, concern and maybe the slightest hint of what she thought was fear filling his innocent eyes, his mouth having formed a thin line. Eren almost had an awe-like expression at the thought of Isa bravely facing down seven titans alone—eyes wide and brighter than ever, mouth having slightly dropped open at her story—and to be saved by none other than the Captain Levi. Mikasa still had that wary look in her eyes, arms crossed tight in front of her, as she brought her scarf up to cover her nose. Isa had the feeling that it was as if the younger girl thought Eren would get some bad ideas from Isa.
She tilted her head back to look up at the dark green of the leaves contrasting against the blue backdrop of the sky. "It was honestly pretty stupid of me, not the best idea I've had, and I'm lucky to be alive. But in that moment, all I could think about was finding Hange."
Eren hesitated before asking his next question, eager to know more about the man he'd heard others speak about, the whispered rumors, the whispered theories. "What's he like? Captain Levi?"
Aha, I've found one of your admirers, Levi.
Her head dipped down as she toyed with a piece of bread in front of her, face and eyes softening, heart thrumming at the mere mention of Levi. "I'm not sure what you've heard, but he's definitely amazing to watch in action, and he's a remarkable leader. All of his squad members respect him, look up to him."
She glanced back up to see Eren watching her curiously, a flush creeping up her neck, wondering if he'd deduced anything based on her reaction.
Clearing her throat, needing to change the subject, she said the first thing that came to mind. "Come on guys, let's play tag."
Armin's face lit up at the suggestion, but Eren looked as if he needed some convincing, his brows having knit, his face taking on that look a child gets when they feel they're too mature for something they see as childish, even if it's something they secretly enjoy.
"Isn't tag for little kids? We're kind of old for that don't you think?"
"You're never too old to play, Eren. I play tag all the time with Luna." She jumped up to her feet, bouncing on her toes, eager to show him exactly why anyone could play tag. "Come on, it'll be fun. Trust me."
He still seemed unconvinced so Isa did the only other thing she could think of.
Call to the competitive side only found in children.
Her lips curled into a sly smile as she looked down at him, eyes full of challenge, arms crossing across her chest as she cocked a hip out. "What's the matter? Afraid you're too slow? Bet you can't catch me?"
She watched his eyes light up with a fire that had her own widening, and she barely dodged him when he leapt up, determined to win.
With a burst of speed, she took off, Eren and Armin close behind, all three eager to win.
The sound of their childlike, innocent laughter had her own giggles spilling. The thought that she could give them even a moment of freedom, to enjoy being children, filled her with a different joy she'd never felt before.
Her own childhood had been ripped away from her, and she was determined to do her best to give them the chance to be simply that. Children. They deserved to feel as if they didn't have a care in the world, to enjoy the simple things in life. It wasn't fair for them to have to worry about things that should be left to the adults, where their next meal was coming from, how they would pay for it, where they would live.
Children should be free to do whatever they want—so long as they aren't hurting anyone—to play, to laugh, to smile, to enjoy life. There would be plenty of time for worry and fear as adults, so as children, they deserved to live an easy life, slowly learning how to handle the more difficult things as they grow older, more mature.
She called out to Mikasa, encouraging her to join in, but if anything, Isa thought the younger girl looked content in simply watching, her face softening slightly as she took in her two friends. The protective light in her eyes had dimmed as she grew more and more comfortable, slowly accepting that nothing was going to happen to her two friends, as if realizing that Isa wasn't a threat. She noticed the way Mikasa watched Eren, and had a sense that the girl had a little crush on him.
She wondered how she was able to tell, how she was able to read others when she wasn't the one emotionally involved. It had taken her ages to finally be able to better read Levi, and even still, she sometimes struggled with reading him. She wondered if he had trouble reading her.
She was slightly ashamed to say that she secretly hoped that he did—somewhat—not wanting it to be only her that had difficulties with this, not wanting to be the only one learning.
She did her best to dodge and evade against Armin and Eren, using the trees to her advantage, but the two boys were faster, easily catching her, teaming up against her to corner her. Whenever it was her turn to chase, determination filled her, refusing to back down, refusing to lose. Each time she came close to tagging Armin, a squealing laugh would fall from him that had her heart swelling with affection for the little boy.
After being tagged once again, she relented as she collapsed on her back onto the blanket, chest heaving, face flushed with exertion, skin glistening. With her eyes closed, she could hear the birds up in the trees, singing their glorious songs, filling the air with the sound. She could feel the way her skin slowly cooled, breaths calming, heart settling in her chest. Footsteps approaching drew her attention and her eyes fluttered open to see Eren and Armin staring down at her, smug looks on their faces, her mouth feigning a pout.
Before she said anything, Armin spoke up, voice wavering slightly as the smugness in his face faded, eyes growing concerned. "Isa, can…can I talk to you for a second?"
"Of course, Armin." She forced herself back onto her feet, dusting herself off, before following him further into the forest, away from Eren and Mikasa.
When he stopped, she sat down, resting her back against a tree, patting the ground beside her. She waited for him to sit before wrapping her arm around his shoulders, drawing him close against her. "What's on your mind, sweetheart?"
He took a deep breath before letting the question fall from him before he could second guess, before he could overthink. "Is he…is he good to you? He's not, mean or anything is he?"
She immediately knew who he was referring to, and she realized he was basing his questions on the rumors he most likely heard about Levi. The ones where people said he was cruel, cold, callous, not caring in the slightest in what happened to others. The rumors that people spread that he didn't even care when his subordinates died.
All complete lies spread by people who didn't know him, not the way she did.
She ruffled his hair gently. "Don't you worry, Armin. Levi is the most amazing man I've ever met. Don't you listen to anything you hear about him. Yes, he's reserved, and so he comes off as cold and callous to people who don't know him. But he is the kindest man I've ever met, I promise you."
He let his head rest on her shoulder, unable to remember the last time someone held him this way, aside from Isa. "Good, because if…if he ever hurts you, he'll have to answer to me." His voice grew defiant at the thought of someone ever hurting her, and even if it wavered slightly at the mere thought of taking on Humanity's Strongest, he'd gladly do it if the man ever did anything to hurt her.
Her heart warmed at his words, despite the hints of fear she could hear in his tone, in the way it shook slightly, but she had no doubt in her mind whatsoever that he'd do exactly that.
She stroked her hand gently through his hair. "I appreciate that, Armin, but you won't ever have to do that, I promise you, Levi would never do anything to hurt me."
A content sigh fell from him at the sister-like affection, wondering if this was what it was like to have an older sister. "Good, I don't want anything to happen to you."
She smiled, leaning her head against the top of his. "I'm glad to know I have someone else on my side who wants to make sure I'm safe. I…I spent a long time feeling alone, and now I have people like you, Hange, Levi, all on my side and I don't feel lonely anymore."
"I'm glad you don't feel lonely, no one deserves that. I…I sometimes feel lonely, but I remind myself that I have Eren, Mikasa, and you."
She hugged him tighter. "You definitely have me, Armin. And I'm going to make the same promise to you. If someone ever hurts you, they're going to have to answer to me."
He chewed at his lip, one other thing on his mind that he wanted to clear up before she had to leave. "Can you promise me something?"
"Sure, sweetheart, what is it?"
He took another deep breath, forcing the words out of his mouth. "Promise me you won't run off on your own outside the walls again. I know you wanted to save your friend, but it's not safe to do that, and…and I want you to stay safe."
She frowned, disappointed in herself at another person she'd risked hurting with what she'd done, resolving herself further to never go off on her own again.
"Don't you worry, Armin. I won't ever do anything like that again."
She felt the tension leave him as he relaxed further against her. For a child so young, it always amazed her at how mature he was. She wasn't sure what exactly was normal for a child his age, but she had a sense that Eren was closer to being a normal child compared to Armin and Mikasa, though, none of them had had a normal childhood.
Not wanting to leave Eren and Mikasa alone for long, the two rose to their feet, making their way back and settling on the blanket. She let herself lie back, smiling to herself when the three of them did the same, surprised that Mikasa was lying back, though she had a hunch that she'd only done so because Eren had.
The same way she had done with Levi back when he'd taken her to that meadow, she encouraged the trio to look for the shapes in the clouds, to see what their imaginations showed them. The guesses Eren and Armin made drew laughs from her, ranging from the simple like a bird, to the extreme like a dog chasing a rabbit or someone cooking.
Her impression of Armin's two friends was high, the three of them caring deeply for each other. She was somewhat reminded of Levi and his friends, in the way they looked out for each other, took care of each other, cared for each other. The three had a bond that was strong, and she wondered if there was anything that could break it, the thread of friendship holding tight between them.
Even though Mikasa stayed quiet, Isa could tell the girl was enjoying herself, as if the laughs that came from her two friends were all she needed to feel joy. When she glanced over at the young girl lying beside her, she was surprised to see how relaxed she looked, completely at ease, and she couldn't help but be reminded of Levi once again.
She's so reserved, and that scarf of hers. She clutches it so often, keeping it wrapped right around her.
I wonder why it's so special to her.
In that second, her arm happened to brush against Mikasa's at the same time the thought crossed her mind, and a flash of light exploded behind her eyes as she cried out in pain, cutting off Eren and Armin's animated chatter.
She's in a small house, in the middle of nowhere, inside the kitchen, and she sees the little girl sitting at the table with a woman she assumes to be the little girl's mother, working on an embroidery pattern.
She can feel the love and affection pouring from the woman, and the amusement that filled her when the little girl asked how children were made.
There's a gentle innocence coming from the little girl, the kind only felt by a child, and she's once again reminded of him, and she has a dreading sense that this memory is not going to be a happy one.
The man standing at the counter slicing a potato, the one she assumes to be the little girl's father, fills with nerves when the little girl's question is directed to him, unsure of what to say, unsure if the little girl is old enough to know such things.
A knock on the door draws the father's attention, and all hell breaks loose.
When the father opens the door, whoever is standing there shoves a knife into his stomach, killing him, his body slumping to the floor, the life slowly fading from his eyes.
She can feel the mother's horror, fear, terror when she realizes what happens, and it pours from her in waves as she grabs a pair of scissors, attacking the man holding the axe at the door, eyes wide as she screams at the little girl to run, begging for her to get away.
She collapses to her knees at the sight of the man bringing the axe down to the mother's neck, killing her, and she can feel the innocence from the little girl flee as she's left alone with these monsters, knowing exactly what it's like to have the memory of your parent's deaths imprinted in your mind forever, knowing exactly what it's like to be left alone with the worst kind of people, defenseless, helpless.
The memory yanks her to another house, and the little girl is lying on the floor, unmoving, a living corpse, an emptiness flowing through her, blocking out the pain, the grief, the agony, a numbness she herself is all too familiar with.
A little boy wearing a red scarf opens the door, asking the men for help, though she can sense that the boy is lying, can sense the need to protect coming from him.
She watches as the little boy drives a knife into the man's stomach, much like what had happened to the little girl's father, hatred for the scum pouring from him in waves that threaten to shove her completely flat onto the ground, stunned at the idea that a child can feel something so intense, so negative.
He slams the door shut, and when the next man opens it, the little boy drives a knife he's tied onto a broom handle into the man's stomach, killing him as he jabs the knife into him over and over again.
There's so much anger, hatred, disgust coming from such a small body, and it's almost too much for her to handle, to process.
But the little boy has miscalculated, unaware of the third man who comes out, grabbing the little boy, strangling him.
He struggles to talk as the air is restricted from him, telling the little girl to fight, that the only way to win is to fight.
The little girl picks up the knife, trembling in fear, hands unsteady, but then, it happens.
She stumbles back when she feels something explode inside the little girl, something powerful surging through her, something she'd only ever sensed once before, but this is the first time the little girl is feeling this, and it's stronger, out of control, uncontained than what she'd sensed in him. She watches as the little girl's body is guided by this power, her hands crushing the knife's handle, the floor beneath her crumbling at her feet with the force she uses to take off towards the man, driving the knife into his back.
It's too much for her to handle, bringing back the painful reminder of her own parents' deaths, their slit necks, the blood pulling onto the floor, and she's pulled from the memory.
The searing, splitting pain in her head was back, and she didn't even register the screams, the pained sobs coming from her, didn't hear Armin's worried voice calling out to her as he gently rubbed her back, unsure of what to do, never having seen this happen before. She had rolled over onto her side curling up tight, knees drawn against her chest, hands clenched tight in her hair, nails digging in, threatening to spill blood as the painful memory played over and over in her head mixing with her own and she was having trouble keeping the two separate.
It was too much, and she could feel the world beginning to fade to black, only one sobbing thought filling her mind before she lost consciousness.
Levi, I need you, I wish you were here right now.
