I understand you must all find me hilarious, but I am not, in fact, John Mulaney.
The One Thing You Can't Replace
"Tell the story!"
"Which one?"
"The one with the party in the middle of the Chunin exams-"
"Oh yeah that one! Oh you guys will love this." An adult Naruto made a beckoning motion, and the ten or so other ninja gathered closer.
"Alright, so." He coughed dramatically, "Gotta give you all some context for this first:
There was this clan elder who worked for our village, his name was Fugaku Uchiha, and his son Sasuke Uchiha went to our ninja academy.
And Lord Uchiha was an asshole.
And one weekend he and his wife decided to leave town.
Which you should never do. If you are an asshole.
So after the Chunin exam preliminaries Sasuke Uchiha decided to throw a party at his dad's house, and everyone around the village heard about it, and we all got up individually and thought:
"Okay, let's go over there, and destroy the place."
I walked into this party, everyone I had ever met was there, and everyone was drinking like it was the end of the world. People were drinking like it was the Third Shinobi War and a medic-nin was coming to saw our legs off. It was totally unsupervised; we were like bijuu without jinchurikki, we were running wild. I walk down to the basement, they had a pool table in the basement, Choji took a running start and threw his body onto the pool table and broke it in half. Kiba found out which room was Fugaku's and went upstairs and took a shit on his summoning scrolls.
So the party was going great.
I'm standing in the basement and I'm holding a cup of sake (you've seen movies), and I'm standing there, and I'm holding a cup of sake and the Kyuubi's starting to break loose so I'm starting to black out. And Hinata said something like: "something, something, ANBU."
And in a brilliant moment of word association, I yelled:
"Fuck da ANBU!" "Fuck da ANBU!"
And Everyone Else Joined In.
A hundred. Drunk. Genin. Yelling 'fuck da ANBU'. With the confidence of Jonin who have like already been to T&I and aren't afraid of it anymore? You know that like "I served my ryo, you come and take me!" confidence, but genin.
Now the reason Hinata had said "something, something, ANBU", was because the ANBU were there!
So Hatake Kakashi walked down the stairs, and got to the bottom of the basement and looked out over a sea of drunk toddlers yelling "fuck da ANBU", in his face.
And he was almost depressed. He was like "woooow.".
And then he leaned into his walkie-talkie and went "get the paddy wagon".
And my friend Lee, (who is now a father-this man now has a baby), he grabbed a bottle, smashed it on the ground, and yelled "SCATTER!"
And everyone ran in a different direction, we all ran in different directions.
It was like that moment in the fourth war when Madara dropped that meteor and everyone ran in different directions, we all ran in different directions. I ran into the sparring room, and I jumped on a training dummy, and I crawled out through a window into the gardens and now I'm running through the Uchiha gardens and there's this big red toad called Gamabunta and I thought "I've never ridden a toad that big before-"
And then I woke up at home.
On Monday, I went to training because that's what we did back then. And I'm walking into the training grounds and who do I see, but Sasuke Uchiha! And he says to me "hey, were you at my party on Saturday?"
And I said "no", you know, like a liar.
And he said "Things got really out of hand. Someone broke the pool table. Someone took a shit on my dad's scrolls. Someone got into a rock-off with my big brother Itachi."
"but the worst thing", he says, "the worst thing is that someone stole these old antique paintings of my great-grandfather Madara, and my parents are freaking out about it."
And I had that thought.
That only black out drunks, and Jiraiya of the Sannin can have;
Did I do that?
I figured no, I wouldn't have done that.
But I was never sure...
until a three year timeskip later.
Relax.
I'm playing video games with this kid named Shikimaru that we also went to ninja academy with. It's three years later in Shippuden, we're chunin by now.
We're playing video games for a couple hours and then Shikimaru says to me, "Hey, come here. I want to show you something." And then he takes me into his bedroom, and then he takes me into a side room off of his bedroom.
Never a good thing to have.
He shows me a tiny room that is covered wall to wall in stolen antique paintings from different clans' parties over the years.
And I said "why?" (in a whisper) (still whispering) "why do you do this?"
And Shikimaru looked me in the eye, smirked, and said, "Because it's the One Thing you Can't Replace."
So that's why I don't drink anymore.
And that's the end of that story, but that's crazy, right?
I...m not sorry. Chapter at normal time Saturday.
