Don't You Dare Try To Guilt Trip Me


Sasuke sat at Itachi's bedside.

Hinata stalked forwards and backwards across the room.

It was not a comfortable moment.

"He shipped us off!"

"I know."

"He attached us to a toad and, and, and just sent us home!"

"I know."

"We should go back. If I summon two owls consecutively, they should have the stamina to catch us up with them-"

"No."

"E-Excuse me?"

Sasuke turned to her, eyes hard. "No. We stay here."

"We can't just-"

"My brother." Sasuke cut in, angrily. "Is in a coma. And I didn't even know because we went off half cocked with no backup to fight two S-rank missing-nin! And because we did so, my father was in council for two hours this morning with no opposition."

"How can you..." Hinata was facing him down now. "Sasuke, your teammate just nearly-"

"Don't you fucking dare try and guilt trip me." Sasuke stood abruptly, walking up to her. "It was just like Orochimaru in the forest. Your cousin could have killed both of us before we'd even gone in through that window; the only reason we're still alive is because he wanted to toy with us."

He stepped back, sighing. Funny thing, now the curse mark was gone his anger bled out way quicker, leaving him just...tired.

"Look...what are the two things you want most?"

"Neji dead." She answered, immediately. Then she paused.

"And Naruto, yeah, I know." Sasuke rolled his eyes. "So. You're not as strong as Neji yet-don't get mad, you'll kick his ass some day, but you're not there right now. So going out there and accompanying them won't help you. As for Naruto, the best thing you can do for him right now? It's make sure he isn't risking his life and wasting his time." He put a hand on her shoulder. "Stay here. Do some politics. So when Naruto gets home, we can all keep moving forwards."

Hinata looked down at the floor, hands clenched. "He just cheats." She bit out. "First the owls, then the seal...how do I beat someone who keeps doing the impossible?"

"Start doing it yourself." Sasuke suggested. "Outmanoeuvring the head of the biggest clan in Konoha probably looks impossible, doesn't it?"

Hinata took in a deep breath. "Alright. A few weeks. By the time Naruto's back I'll have Fugaku on a leash."

"That's...odd phrasing."

"No, you've just spent too long around Itachi." She smiled at him. "And aren't dramatic speeches Naruto's thing?"

"I picked up a few things." Sasuke shrugged. "Do...you want a hug?"

"No."

"Okay."

"...A little one."

"Okay."


Uzumaki Naruto was in love. It had taken him a long time to realise this fact, worryingly long, when the object of his affections had been so close for so long. He pondered, briefly, on what love really meant. Was it a physical attraction? Because if so, he was definitely smitten there. Or was it something more tied to personality? a respect for someone's drive, an appreciation of their quirks? He felt all those too.

In the end, he decided that that it was something deeper than all that. True love was understanding what someone was. It was when you gazed into their soul, witnessed their true purpose, and found it the most beautiful thing in the world.

"Uh, Naruto? You in there..?"

"Beautiful..." Naruto murmured.

Jiraiya coughed. "Uh, well, anyway. That was the Rasengan."

"And her name's as beautiful as her face..." the boy sighed, dreamily, looking at the massive hole the technique had drilled into the cliff side.

"If he looked at me like that I might actually pounce on him." Haku mused from a safe distance.

"Your father's technique." Jiraiya explained. "Pure shape transformation; a sphere of concentrated chakra with one of the highest attack potencies in my arsenal."

"She's perfect..." Naruto whispered.

"Well, not quite." Jiraiya admitted.

"You take that back!"

"She gets better!" Jiraiya reassured him. "Ah crap now you've got me doing it...yeah she-it's still an incomplete technique. Your pops never managed to apply nature transformation to it to make it elemental. Kakashi tried, failed, and made the chidori, which speaks volumes about what it's supposed to be able to do."

"Every time you mention my dad he's doing something awesome." Naruto pointed out. "He must have been one hell of a ninja."

"He was, kid." Jiraiya smiled. "He definitely was."

"...well? Teach me the beautiful murder jutsu!"

"Alright, fine. So the first thing you need to learn..."


"Aww, that is the most adorable thing I have ever seen!"

Sasuke and Hinata broke apart at the speed of highly trained and highly embarrased ninja, as the new arrival in the room put a hand up to her mouth and laughed.

"Byakugan?" Sasuke hissed.

"I was distracted!" Hinata shot back.

"Rule one of dojutsu; don't become over dependant on it." The stranger agreed, walking over to Itachi. She had unremarkable long brown hair and eyes, and a mole beneath one eye.

She reached into a pocket and drew out a very specific flower, sliding it into a vase in the coma patient's bedside.

Sasuke and Hinata, both well trained in clan formalities, knew what it meant. "Not to be rude," Sasuke began, "but who are you and why are you giving my brother the unrequited love flower?"

"It's an in-joke." She explained. "He has a bit of a history of ignoring me, and then he went ahead and got himself put in a coma. Which doesn't really answer your question..." She looked up and smiled. "I suppose you could say I'm his girlfriend."

Sasuke looked at her blankly. "...Huh. He certainly kept that quiet."

"He would have had to." She sighed. "Part of the reason we first bonded was because neither of us really got on with the clan while we were growing up."

Analysing...Processing..."You're an Uchiha?" Sasuke exclaimed, surprised. She didn't have the signature black hair, nor was she wearing the clan symbol anywhere on her person.

"Technically." She responded, wiggling one hand in a so-so motion. "Mum was a member but dad wasn't, so I'm in a strange limbo of them not wanting to acknowledge that I exist."

Hinata had a different issue. "Wait, the Uchiha other Uchiha? wouldn't that be ince-"

"NO." Sasuke and the stranger both replied in unison, frantically. "Big, big clan. Bloodline purity." Sasuke explained. "It's, uh, not weird I swear."

"This happens regularly?" Hinata wrinkled her nose. "You know, the Byakugan doesn't have to rely on kissing cousins to maintain it's purity."

"Neither does the Sharingan, but I suppose it must be easier to maintain a weaker bloodline." Sasuke sniffed.

"The Byakugan is not a weaker bloodline."

"It so is."

"I'm sorry, who won the exam finals?"

"You only won because I forfeit, I could have killed you at the end there-"

"Easy for you to say now-"

They both stopped, as the stranger started laughing again. "Oh, dear. You two sound just like Itachi and Neji."

The temperature in the room dropped by about ten degrees.

"Which was a little insensitive, I'm sorry. Tell you what, if you'd like I can train with you while Itachi's out like this? Temporarily, of course. He's far too stubborn to stay out of the fight for long."

"Um." Sasuke frowned. "No offense, miss, but we don't even know your name."

"Right, my bad." She gave them a wave. "My name's Izumi. Izumi Uchiha."


Some days later

The lady Tsunade was having a very good day, and it terrified her.

She was not a lucky person. Years of gambling had taught her this. She wasn't a poor gambler, experience had taught her how to read others, when to call and when to bluff, etcetera. But her cards, just, sucked. Always. Perpetually. Every time.

There were very few times in her life when she had gotten a good run of luck in the gambling den. They had invariably preceded the absolute worst periods of her entire life.

Which was why when she threw down a royal flush, again, all she could do was sigh, mutter a halfhearted 'good game' to her shocked competitors, and stand up with her winnings.

"That was amazing my lady!" Shizune, ever loyal, came running up to congratulate her. "With this, we can pay off all your debts!"

"Sure." Tsunade shrugged.

"And I know you want to spend it on-wait, what?" Shizune blinked. "You...you will?"

"Of course." Tsunade dumped a large majority of the money into her assistant's hands. "I get the feeling I might want to tie up some loose ends. You pay off the asshats, I'm going to get a drink."

"That's more like you." The younger woman chuckled. "I'll meet you at the usual place, then?"

'The usual place' being the nearest pub; one she had gotten used to visiting over the last few months. She sat down, ordered some sake, and waited. After a few minutes, the door chimed, and a familiar head of white hair poked through.

Oh, I hate being right.


"So then I said 'what do you mean there's paint on the Hokage monument? I wasn't even near there!' And then Iruka said-"

"Naruto?"

"What?"

"We're here."

The genin paused in his dramatic retelling of one of the greatest tales in prank history.

Jiraiya grabbed him by the hand, and nodded towards one of the booths.

A blonde haired woman sat there, nursing a bottle of alcohol alone.

"That her?" Haku asked, from Jiraiya's other side.

"That's her." The man nodded. His face was drawn, mouth in a thin line. It was obvious the reunion was emotional for him. "You two wait here for now. This is going to have to be done carefully, with no small amount of tact, and possibly bribery. Leave the introductions to me." With nods from both children, he walked over to Tsunade's booth.

She didn't look up as he sat down.

"This is the fourth cesspit I've searched trying to find you." He began, searching for a reaction. He didn't get one. Attempt two.

"Though..." he squinted at the label on the drink in front of her. "This place has better taste than the others." He reached for the the neck of the bottle.

Her hand clamped across his the moment he reached it.

"Listen, and I'll buy you another." He offered, trying not to show how much her grip was hurting him.

Slowly, she relaxed her grip, leaning back in the chair and taking a look at him. "Jiraiya." She said, eventually. "You've got fat."

"Fatter." He corrected, taking the bottle for himself and swigging from it. "But you look exactly the same. Still under that transformation technique?"

"I don't know what you're talking about." She demurred with a smile, taking the bottle back off him. "This is just natural youth and good skin care." She poured some more for herself. "So why are you here? Something tells me if you'd just wanted to catch up, you'd have done it sometime a decade ago?"

"I recall you made it clear you didn't want that, in a pretty explicit way." He defended. "Hidden Swamp will never be the same."

She laughed, for a moment. Then her eyes hardened. "Well then? What is it?"

"Sarutobi-Sensei is dead." He said, bluntly.

Her eyes widened imperceptibly. "I...see. I'm sorry to hear that, I didn't know."

"Then I won't get on your back for not showing up at his funeral." Jiraiya allowed. "You'll never guess who did him in."

"Old scaly?" She guessed.

He nodded.

"Fuck."

"Yeah."

Tsunade slumped backwards with a sigh. "To be honest, Sensei probably would have preferred it to be one of us."

"And he died defending the village." Jiraiya nodded. "He wouldn't have wanted it any other way."

They shared a brief silence, both nursing their thoughts and their drinks in the other's company.

"So, who's next?" Tsunade eventually asked. "Him dying leaves one hell of a power vacuum. Who's the new Hokage?"

Jiraiya coughed, and met her eyes.

She realised.

"No."

"Tsunade-"

"No! Hell no!"

"You're our best shot-"

"Like fuck I am!" She slammed a fist down on the table. "Who are the other candidates?"

"Fugaku Uchiha."

"Oh, shit, okay. Who else?"

"Kakashi."

"Who?"

"Exactly. And that's it."

"Seriously?" She wrinkled her nose. "What about that, uh..." she snapped her fingers trying to remember. "That Neji kid, he'll be old enough."

"He betrayed the village."

"Shit, really? The other one, Itachi, then."

"Last I checked, he's in a coma." Jiraiya leaned forwards. "We need you, Tsunade."

"No you don't." She waved derisively. "You need some romanticised version of me you have in your head, some badass medical warrior. Not...not this." She gestured vaguely.

Jiraiya raised an eyebrow. "Trust me, my 'romanticised' version of you does not look like what you're imagining."

"Pervert."

"Bitch."

"Don't think making me laugh convinces me, asshat. I can't do that job. I don't want that job."

"Yes, you can, and it isn't about what you want." He put both hands on the table. "Our village needs a leader, Tsun. Hiruzen would have-"

"Don't you dare use him to blackmail me." She glared right back.

"Alright then." Jiraiya paused. "Think about the children, Tsunade! The poor innocent children with their hopeful eyes, youthful innocence, and-"

"This is the one you want to be Hokage?" Naruto leaned over Jiraiya's shoulder, squinting. "She's so...old."

Tsunade deadeyed him. "Who the fuck is this."

"Uzumaki Naruto! Future Hokage!" He struck a pose, before losing his balance and falling down into the seat next to Jiraiya. "I'm here to review the person looking after my hat for me. So far? Not impressed."

"Naruto I told you to stay away." Jiraiya twitched.

"You did, but we decided you were taking too long and not making much progress." Haku walked up, also scrutinising the newly introduced Sannin as well as the bottle in front of her. "I wouldn't have expected a medical ninja to be willing to do this to her body."

"Do I look like it's affecting me, boy?" Tsunade snarled, moving her arms to emphasise her generous figure.

"That's a transformation jutsu." Haku dismissed, before blinking. "Wait, did you just get my gender right?"

"Honey I'm a medic-nin, I know what junk someone's packing." Tsunade tilted her head. "You fancy yourself a healer?"

"I'm...learning, but I'm better at using the knowledge to kill people." Haku admitted.

"I can respect that." Tsunade turned back to Naruto. "And then there's you. I can sense the Kyuubi in your stomach, is that your excuse for your disrespect?"

"Oh no, I take full responsibility for my own disrespect." Naruto replied, offended. "So when I tell you you look like a saggy old cow, you know that's all me."

Jiraiya's head hit the table.

"Listen here you little-" Tsunade stopped. Then laughed. "Nice try, asshole. But you're not goading me into taking the job."

She leaned in. "Good luck becoming Hokage, punk. Maybe if they put you in charge that hellhole of a village will finally fall apart."

"Hey! I'd be a great Hokage!" Naruto shot back. "I've even learned the Rasengan!"

"Really?" Tsunade put one hand on her chest in mock shock. "Can you show me?"

"Well..." He shifted. "I've technically not learned it yet...But I've done the first stage already!"

"Thought so." Tsunade looked down on him smugly. "That jutsu took Jiraiya years to learn. By the time you manage it we'll be on Kage number twenty."

"As if!" Naruto pointed dramatically. "I'll have mastered this jutsu in a week! Believe it!"

"Sure you will."

"I will!"

"Suuuure you will."

"Bet I will!"

"Bet you won't."

"Bet I will!"

"Bet you won't."

"How much?"

"What?"

"How much do you bet?"

Jiraiya, head still on the table, cracked an eye open.

Tsunade glared at Naruto for a long moment. "Alright punk, I see what you're doing. Sure thing. If you can master the Rasengan in five days I'll come back and be the Hokage. Hell, I'll even throw in this."

She wrapped her fingers around her neck, tugging, and pulled off a necklace with an odd green crystal in it. "But if you don't...you all have to leave and never bother me again. Deal?"

"Now hold on-"

"DEAL!" Naruto cut across Jiraiya's interruption, spitting on his palm and holding it out.

Amused, Tsunade did the same. They shook.

"Five days." Naruto confirmed. "And I mean the full five. None of this 'midday on the fifth' crap that caught me out at the chunin exams."

"Of course." Tsunade replied. "You made chunin?"

"Well...no."

"Ha!"

"Hey, shut up!"

Jiraiya slumped back in his seat with a sigh. "Well, that's us doomed. Hey, bartender! Can we get another bottle of this, please!"


Ah, the Sannin dynamic. Honestly one of the most fun parts of this arc to write. The events proceed roughly the same on Naruto's end, and back with the dynamic duo...well. You didn't think I'd forgotten about Izumi, did you?

Because I had.

So thanks to that one reviewer for pointing her continued existence out; you know who you are.

Next chapter...oh you know it.

It's time for another Shonen training montage, bitches!