When the old squad gets back together and immediately tries to fucking kill each other
For fuck's sake Tobirama where do you even, no, where the fuck do you get the ideas to make these things-
Fine. Fine. Sure, okay.
Summoning: Impure World Reincarnation.
Aka the Edo Tensei.
So my brother has deigned to make a technique to bring people back from the dead. Note to self, send brother to therapy sessions.
-The Edo Tensei directly summons the soul of a deceased person back to the world of the living.
-It requires a sample of that individual's DNA as a part of the contract (size required is negligible) and...A living sacrifice? Tobi what the fuck-
(ink spilled across the page)
Fine. Fine! This is perfectly fine.
-A living person's body is used as a host for the summoned person's spirit. Tobirama has told me that the host will only experience brain death after an extended period as the host, which of course is much better than them immediately dying.
-Only one person may be reanimated at one time by each caster. (Limit increased up to four, -O) (Limit removed entirely, -K)
-The reanimated person has unlimited chakra, but has a chakra capacity limited to a small fraction of their original. They can continue to fight forever, but may be incapable of using certain jutsu, or using them at the magnitudes they could in life. This also means their physical strength and speed will be lower. (Chakra capacity now identical to the caster's maximum capacity. Only extremely powerful summons will be at a detriment, most will be improved. -K)
-The resurrected individual will be functionally immortal, as their bodies will regenerate fully even from complete disintegration and they do not die after a time limit, or even after the death of the caster. Kami, Tobirama...
-Reanimated ninja cannot use the reanimation jutsu. (Boo!)
-Through use of a seperate sealing jutsu (that's also going in this scroll,) placed on the sacrifice beforehand, the actions of the summon can be controlled by the caster. Simple commands such as who to attack are currently all that's possible. (Control of the reanimate is now possible to any degree. Free will and self awareness can be altered to any degree, granting a 'no strings attached' reincarnation or a mindless zombie. The summon can also be 'piloted' directly by the caster. -O)
-The only known ways to completely defeat a reanimated fighter is to use some form of soul targeting jutsu, seal them with some fuuninjutsu or another (they're technically still alive at that point, just stuck) or to make the caster release the technique. (If multiple individuals are reanimated at one time, all will be re-killed at once when the technique is released. -O)
-A ninja of sufficient power and constitution (such as an Uzumaki or Senju) may be able to overpower the control of their summoner. This will free them to act as they wish with their newfound immortality, but they still can be dispelled if the caster catches wind of the betrayal.
-If the ninja being summoned also knows how to perform the Edo Tensei, they will be able to resist being dispelled, freeing themselves entirely should the summoner try to get rid of them. But come on, the only people who know this are me, Tobirama, and Madara. When's that ever gonna come up?
-Official statement from Hokage Senju Hashirama, on storing this technique in the 'Don't Fuck With These' scroll. Notes scribbled by Orochimaru and Yahushi Kabuto.
Day five
The sun was shining, the sky was blue, and absolutely nothing was going to go wrong.
"Are we sure Jiraiya's here?" Naruto asked, leaning over Haku's shoulder.
"No." Haku sighed, continuing to walk down the road. "But this is where he was yesterday evening. He and Tsunade went out for a drink, and since we can't find him anywhere else, it's my best bet." He looked sideways at Naruto. "Do you really need to find him?"
"Of course! Naruto Prime is passed out in his room right now, he needs ramen if he wants to have a productive day of training!"
Haku tried not to show his frustration that, once again, he had been talking to a clone without realising. "You know, you could always spend your own money on food."
"Or." The clone countered, stopping outside the relevant bar. "I could milk Jiraiya for all he's worth given he's promised he'll feed me for the trip."
"You're impossible."
"I prefer 'Pragmatic.'"
"Where did you even learn that word?" Laughing, Haku pushed the door open...and paused.
"Oh hey, there he is." Naruto deadpanned.
Jiraiya was slumped on one of the bar stools.
"Oh, he yours?" The bartender remarked, cleaning the tables. "Been here all night. Get rid of him, will ya? Bastard's too heavy for me."
Haku approached Jiraiya cautiously, scrutinising his face. "He...looks like he's been poisoned."
The bartender laughed. "Oh, you think he's bad? You should see some of the other patrons I-"
"No, I," Haku cut across him, opening one of Jiraiya's eyes and looking at his irises. "I think he's literally been poisoned. Oh Kami, what the hell..."
"He's been what?" Naruto gaped.
Haku pulled the drink out of Jiraiya's hand, sniffed it, and wrinkled his nose. "Okay, that's definitely been spiked. What the...who could have done this?"
"The only one near him all last night was the blonde lady." The bartender remarked, still particularly unconcerned. "Damn woman owes me fifty Ryo..."
"Why would granny Tsunade poison Jiraiya?" Naruto was thoroughly confused.
"Good question." Haku agreed. "More importantly...this is a neuroparalytic. Why would she use a poison she just taught me how to cure? Naruto, I think this might be a message."
"Couldn't she have just used, I dunno, a message?"
"Zabuzza once gave me instructions by hiding morse code in his stabs. Mid battle. Ninja never take the simple option." Haku began fishing around in his pockets for medical supplies. "Pop. Wake up the real Naruto, and get the rest of the clones to start searching for Tsunade. This might be an emergency."
The sun was shining, the sky was blue, and everything was definitely going to go wrong.
"Good morning, my dear!" Orochimaru waved brightly at her. "I take it from Jiraiya's condition that you agreed to my proposal? Nasty poison, that, but we both know he has an impressive constitution. Are you sure it was enough?"
"I forgot you were a morning person." Tsunade muttered. "Trust me, it's enough. With nobody to heal him, he'll be out until sunset." Come on Haku. "And yes. I agree."
They were in some abandoned ruin on the village's outskirts, and her eyes were already scanning for cover, altitude, and that one ninja failing miserably to remain hidden from her.
"Excellent." Orochimaru replied. "I keep to my end of the bargain, Tsunnie. Who do you want back first?"
Tsunade had thought long and hard about this one. "Dan." She said, voice hoarse. "Give me my love back."
"Ooh, controversial." Orochimaru grinned. "Hoes before bros, apparently. You know he's technically twenty or so years younger than you now, right?"
"Just...do it. Please." She bit out.
Orochimaru shrugged. "As you wish." He whistled.
The ninja who had been trying poorly to hide took that moment to jump out of cover, landing beside Orochimaru. "Lady Tsunade." He greeted, dipping his head. "I must say, it's an honour. I'm a big fan of your work."
"Kabuto here will be performing the technique." Orochimaru explained. "Given that I currently lack arms and the capacity for hand seals. Kabuto, go ahead."
The young man with obnoxious blue hair nodded, and began making a series of hand seals that Tsunade carefully memorised. "Impure World Reincarnation jutsu." He declared.
There was a rumble.
Black markings spread across the ground, and a literal coffin rose up from the dirt.
"Not to make you feel bad, but I did just kill a guy to make this happen." Orochimaru remarked, picking at his teeth.
"You what?" Tsunade glared.
"A life for a life." The snake shrugged. "Oh, right, this might count as one of those 'catches' I sad there weren't any of. My bad."
The coffin stopped moving, and its front fell down.
Tsunade gasped, audibly.
It's occupant stepped out onto open ground, blinking.
"The fuck?" Said Kato Dan.
"I...actually did it." Kabuto said, surprised.
"Excellently done." Orochimaru congratulated him, watching Tsunade confirm the revival of her lover. "And if you ever do it without my permission, I'll feed you to Jugo."
"I...of course master."
Tsunade ran her chakra cloaked hands across Dan's body, confirming what she had both hoped and feared. "It's...really you." She managed. "The body's not, but it's your chakra, your soul."
"If the science is inconclusive, you could always ask me questions only I'd know the answer to." He replied, smiling that smile of his. "Do you want me to say what happened that night in the forest six months ago? Or I suppose it would be years ago by now, that's weird."
"You ass." She laughed, running in for a hug. He acquiesced, and she buried her face in his chest. "I missed you." She mumbled.
"I know." He replied, equally softly. "So what happens now?"
"Now I heal Orochimaru's hands." She admitted. "And he brings back my brother."
"And kills another person?" Dan replied, concerned. "Tsunade, that's-"
"I know." She replied, simply. She stood to her full height, squeezed his hand, and walked back towards Orochimaru. "Alright." She told him. "Amazingly, you've dealt in good faith. Time for me to fulfill my end of the bargain. Arms out."
Orochimaru acquiesced, shrugging off the cloak around his shoulders to bare his mutilated limbs to the world. Tsunade began concentrating chakra in her hands, emitting the same blue-green glow as most of her medical techniques. Of course, this one wouldn't do quite what those did.
Sorry Rochi. Turns out I'm not quite as morally bankrupt as I thought I was. Dammit.
Reaching him, she prepared to lunge forwards, blowing one mighty hole through his chest and splitting his head into several gross pieces...but she froze.
Not of her own volition; her body seized up beneath her.
I'm sorry. Said Dan's voice inside her head. He's controlling me.
"That chakra buildup was for an attack." Said her voice, from her mouth. "She betrayed you."
Fuck. She thought. Fuck fuck fuck fuck. Spirit transfer jutsu.
Yes. I'm so, so sorry. I didn't even know he was controlling me until you decided to attack him.
The spirit transfer jutsu, which allowed Dan to send his actual soul flying out of his body to cover great distances and possess someone, burning up their insides and controlling their movements. It was nigh untraceable, nigh unstoppable, and apparently hurt like a bitch.
"Aw, how lovely." Orochimaru walked up to her, and poked her in the face. "Again, I suppose having remote control of your beloved would count as a 'catch.' I'm really sorry, turns out I'm just a dirty liar."
She tried to say some very naughty words. She couldn't.
He chuckled. "Dan? Drop her. I can't have her dying before she fixes me."
With a release of tension she was alone in her body again, and she slumped to the floor. The burning in her innards relented, and she immediately set about trying to regenerate the damage, even as she desperately tried to control her breathing. Orochimaru knelt in front of her. "Now look, I'm not great at coming up with the clever threats, that was always your forte, but I am good at cutting off toes. Rest assured you will be fixing my arms, the more prudent question is how long it takes, and what state you're in after you finish."
"Fuck...you..." She panted, clenching her fists.
"That...was not on the torture list, I'll admit."
Then another voice pervaded the area.
"Damn right it would be torture, with someone as obviously neutered as you are!"
Tsunade smiled.
Orochimaru glowered. "One liners." He hissed, standing up to face the red-clad man on top of a nearby tower. "JirAIYAAA!"
Which was when Tsunade jumped to her feet, and punched Dan in the face.
Naruto jumped in with a war cry that went something like: "HYAAAAAAAaaa...uh?"
Jiraiya had gone ahead, made an awesomecool joke, and immediately launched into combat with Orochimaru, who was...here, apparently. Sure. But so was Kabuto, which was weird, and also some other blue haired guy that Tsunade has just disintegrated. (Oh god, I picked a fight with this lady?) What looked like paper or dust flew out of him, his lower half flying away as his top half blew into pieces. Eew.
With no idea what was going on, Naruto sprung into action. Him and the few dozen shadow clones that he'd kept active charged over arches, through buildings and our of windows, each picking a target and homing in. Haku was with him, and immediately flipped over Kabuto, throwing a set of senbon. Kabuto dodged with relative ease, before catching a punch from the Kyuubi host.
"Weren't you in the chunin exams? Why are you here?" Naruto growled.
"I was a spy." Kabuto replied, casually.
"Oooh..." then Naruto twisted and punched, dislocating Kabuto's shoulder. The nasty treacherous bastard kicked him away, before rolling past another few senbon and blurring into close range with Haku, his shoulder mending itself worryingly quickly.
That was when Naruto got some peculiar memories. Of course any shadow clones that went near Orochimaru died almost accidentally (the three Sannin were having a battle Naruto could barely keep track of) but the obviously crippled snake-man seemed to be on the back foot against his two healthy adversaries. Naruto was not expecting to find mister-blue-hair #2 alive after Tsunade's falcon punch, nor destroying his clones with ruthless efficiency. He left Kabuto to Haku, and went in to investigate.
The sun was shining, the sky was blue, and Orochimaru was having an unexpectedly horrible day. He knew he couldn't beat Tsunade and Jiraiya in his current state, but he shouldn't have had to. He prided himself on his ability to manipulate events to his favour, to the point where even a superior fighting force would find themselves picked apart and shattered. That should have been the case here, but something about that boy with the yellow hair seemed to smash his plans apart with all the subtlety of a sledgehammer.
So here he was, in a fight he couldn't win.
He sighed, even as he twisted away from a wall shattering punch from Tsunade and opened his mouth to launch his blade towards Jiraiya.
"I gon' shuccosh we coul calc giss ouc?" He tried to ask.
"Stop gargling swords, asshole." Tsunade yelled at him.
"Hehehe, gargling swords." Jiraiya laughed.
Oh for fucks sake.
Orochimaru hadn't wanted to do this, but he was in genuine danger here. He jumped back, and landed in a very particular stance.
That was the signal for Kimimaro (much better hidden than the decoy Kabuto had been) to appear from the bushes and enter the fray. A hail of bone bullets forced Jiraiya to put up a mud wall, and Kimimaro jumped over it with ivory blades in his hands, dropping down in front of Tsunade and slashing. Jiraiya turned to help, but was quickly intercepted by a snake that flew at him from the opposite direction. "Eyes on me, Jiraiya." Orochimaru tutted. He saw the surprise in the eyes of his two opponents and grinned, knowing that the Kaguya clan heir had likely been reported dead by Itachi. But Kimimaro was very much alive, and was now engaging Tsunade in a taijutsu brawl. Joined a second later by Kabuto, the two prodigies working together were able to press the female Sannin, leaving Orochimaru alone with Jiraiya. Perfect. Much more manageable. "Do you know how long I've wanted to do this?" Orochimaru told him, drawing his sword from his gullet again.
"We get it, Rochi." Jiraiya panted. "You really want to penetrate me with your sword."
Orochimaru rolled his eyes, and attacked.
One minute earlier
Naruto came face to face with the blue haired ninja, and grimaced. "Ew. You are ugly." He ran forwards and punched. The reanimated ninja let it land, and Naruto's genuinely powerful strike was able to punch a hole through his midriff.
"Oh, hi there." The man said. "Kato Dan. You'll be a Konoha genin then? Always good to see members of the new generation."
Naruto walked backwards, wary, as the wound in Kato's chest repaired itself in seconds.
At a gesture, more shadow clones tried to dogpile the Edo-nin, but he pulled a kunai and dispatched them with relative ease, eyes focusing instead on Naruto's neck. "Oh! Is that Tsunade's necklace?"
"What?" Said Naruto prime, looking down. "Oh, yeah. She bet it on me mastering a really hard technique, and I said that since I was guaranteed to win, which I am, she should leave it with me for the training."
Dan laughed, easily, even as his body moved to continually destroy the shadow clones coming after him. "And I'm sure she was incredibly casual about it, too. What's your name, kid?"
"Uh, Naruto. Uzumaki Naruto."
"Naruto, Tsunade has only given that necklace to two other people. Myself, and her brother. We both died-"
"Oh."
"But the primary reason she gives it out is because she believes the wearer is a true inheritor to the will of fire, and that they're a good example of what she thinks a ninja should be." Dan tilted his head. "I don't suppose you have any dramatic goals for the-"
"Damn right!" Naruto struck a pose. "I'm going to become the Hokage!"
"Perfect." Dan chuckled. "You'll do. Just...don't die."
"I'll try."
"I'm going to try and kill you now. Mind control, you know."
"No, it's cool."
Dan put his hands together. "This is my ridiculously overpowered technique. My spirit flies through the air, controls you and kills you from the inside. Try not to let it hit you."
"You what-"
Then a ghost popped out of Dan's body. "Glad this still works." He mused, before flying straight for a shadow clone. His spirit entered it, and almost immediately it popped. He blinked, shrugged, and beelined for another clone.
Naruto gulped as his entire armed forces was destroyed at lightning speeds. "Haku!" He shouted. "Little help?"
Haku disengaged from his brawl with Kabuto and ran over to Naruto's position, allowing Orochimaru's henchman to go help his boss against Tsunade.
"Demonic ice mirrors!" Haku cried, summoning his signature technique around Dan's ghost...only for it to fly straight through them.
"One day I'll use that and It'll actually work." Haku grimaced.
Dan's spirit quickly changed direction for Haku, who launched a barrage of large ice spikes at his undead body. They all landed, but the corpse just regenerated the holes. (Being invincible removed one of the spirit transfer's only weaknesses; the user's death if their unconscious body was found.)
Haku jumped away, but Dan's ghost was faster, blasting in to possess him.
Crap. Thought Naruto. Not good. Need a way to restrain his...hey... He stretched out his arms.
Dan was less than a metre from Haku when golden chains wrapped around his ghost, halting it in place.
"N-Naruto?" Gasped Haku, looking around Dan's suspended form. The green glow around him dimmed.
"They counter chakra! Right?" Shouted Naruto, heels digging into the grass beneath him. "Figured this would work!" He pulled, and Dan went hurtling, as Naruto spun him in a wide circle and then slammed him into a ruin wall. The impact, combined with the chains' disruptive influence, caused Dan's form to shatter into particles.
His Edo body jerked back into wakefulness with wide eyes. "That's...a first." He remarked.
Naruto summoned some more clones, standing ready beside Haku.
"We're running out of time." The once-missing-nin hissed at him.
Glancing off, Naruto saw that Jiraiya had summoned Gamabunta, and Orochimaru had responded with a snake even bigger than Big Toothy. To Naruto's horror, Jiraiya was losing. Tsunade was trying to get in to help, but her two opponents were trapping her in taijutsu and wouldn't let her intervene.
"Agreed." Naruto growled. "We need to stop Dan and take the pressure off Granny."
Across from them, Dan put a finger to his temple and scratched. "Weird, that technique doesn't seem very effective. But it still counts as trying to kill you, so..." He winked at them, and put his hands back together.
Naruto, struck by inspiration, shuffled behind Haku and grabbed his hands. "Do the ice mirrors."
Haku blushed, suddenly very distracted. "W-what?"
"Ice mirrors. I have a plan. Now." Naruto scrunched his eyes up and concentrated. Dan flew free of his body, changing straight for them. Haku, hands interlaced with Naruto's, began charging up his chakra.
Naruto reached deep inside himself. He had been practicing with the chains; and had realised that they were made up with a different type of chakra than normal techniques. They weren't yin, yang, or elemental, so kinda like the Rasengan, but even compared to that they were different on some level he got instinctively but didn't understand. But that meant they weren't a set technique, per se, which meant logically they could have different-what was the word-applications.
So as Dan's form hurtled towards them, Naruto poured his Adamantine Chakra (trademark) into Haku. Haku gasped, but went with it, finishing his ice technique and centring it on Dan. The result?
The ice mirrors fucking glowed.
Inlaid with gold filigree, they emitted a healthy golden light, and the gaps between the barriers were criss crossed with further chains.
Dan's spirit slammed into the mirrors and bounced backwards, before launching himself up, down, left and right. He couldn't escape. He was trapped.
"Woo!" Naruto shouted, patting Haku on the shoulder. "Good job!"
"You just...haah..." Haku stumbled, before shaking his head. "I'm good. Now what?"
A few of Naruto's clones moved to reinforce the prison with further chains, while Naruto Prime turned to the larger fight going on to their left. "Now, we make another miracle." He held his arm out. A clone came up, and pointed its own hands towards his.
Haku's eyes widened. "You want to-Naruto, you haven't mastered it yet!"
"Yeah but ya see-"
Naruto flexed his hand. Chakra began to build up. "I'm not a normal ninja, Haku. I'm an action hero ninja. So when I need a dramatic mid-battle power up..." he flashed a smile. "You can bet I'm damn well gonna get one!" The chakra in his hand solidified into a sphere, and he charged forwards.
Tsunade was so surprised that she almost let herself get impaled. The little shit actually did it.
The bony one had noticed as well, and was entirely capable of evading the attack of the approaching twelve year old. But Kabuto, while exceedingly talented, was not as experienced with taijutsu as he was with medical ninjutsu, and had made a rookie mistake. He was too caught up in the fight. Feigning desperation, she launched into a reckless flurry against Bony McBoneface, leaving herself completely exposed.
Kabuto grinned, moving in to take advantage-
Then arched his back and howled, as with a cry of "RASENGAN!" Naruto plowed the spinning blue orb into his back.
Left alone with McBoneface, Tsunade was able to quickly dismantle his technique and issue a punch to his stomach that sent him flying backwards a few dozen metres, before biting her finger and putting it to the ground. "Summoning jutsu! Katsuya!"
With a bang, the head slug appeared, just in time to intercept a killing blow from Manda aimed at Gamabunta.
Orochimaru glared at them from atop his perch.
Down on the ground, Tsunade walked back and pulled up Kabuto by the scruff of his neck. He was panting, and bleeding profusely. "Cute self-healing." She remarked. "But I've seen Jiraiya use the Rasengan. It royally fucks up your insides. You won't be able to stabilise yourself without proper equipment...or experienced help."
He glared at her.
She put a fist to his head. "Undo the reanimation and I'll heal you. Or don't; and I blow your brains out."
Orochimaru flopped onto his back on Manda's head. "Oh...you've gotta be kidding me."
Jiraiya, atop Gamabunta, was grinning from ear to ear. "See that!" He pointed down to Tsunade. "Now that's my girl!"
Fight Scenes! Gotta love 'em. Currently uploading this from my phone since wifi is down in my house (wonderful) but here we go.
You may have noticed, but I'm having to up the difficulty for most of the fights in this fic relative to canon. This is both because I keep making him befriend people rather than kill them, and also because my main three are all kinda better than their canon counterparts (except Sasuke, who doesnt have the curse mark.) This isnt because of any 'na-na-nee-na-na my Naruto's better than yours', I just couldn't stand the initial canon incompetence from characters like Naruto and Sakura. Plus, psychologically, they are all better off here.
Next chapter, fallouts, and events come to a head in Konoha.
