I KNOW, I KNOW, THE BEARDED LADIES WERE FROM LIFE OF BRIAN, ALRIGHT, I GET IT-
Skipping the Boring Cutscenes
And then everyone got their mission from Tsunade and trekked over to Suna but that's boring so nobody thought to write about it.
The standard Konoha ninja are organised into three man teams. This was because (after a long trial period) they had found it to be the optimum number of people to complete missions efficiently and stealthily with minimal opportunities for error or miscommunication.
However, in times of war, or in missions where stealth was a non factor or the difficulty was particularly high, teams of five, six, seven, or even ten (three sub-teams with an overall leader) were sometimes considered.
Hunting down two fleeing Akatsuki members to save a jinchurikki and Kage definitely fell into that category.
So Kakashi, Haku, Sasuke, Naruto and Sakura all walked together through Suna's gates, and were quickly escorted by the ANBU there to the Sand village's primary medical building.
"So I know it's good to have a medic on the squad." Sasuke whispered to Haku. "But you're here. Why is Sakura?"
"Well, I mentioned Ino had gotten over you, but substituted you with me and Sai." Haku replied, just as quietly, watching the pink haired chunin stomp ahead of the rest of the group. "Sakura had a similar thing. Remember when you got your brother to show her the Gaara-Lee fight?"
Sasuke's eyes widened. "That worked? She fell for Lee?"
"Not...quite..."
Sakura slammed the medical room's doors open and declared "Alright punks, where is my boyfriend?"
"Oh perfect you brought her..." Kankuro growled from the corner, before raising his voice. "Read the mission report, sweetie. Your boyfriend's the one that got kidnapped."
The rest of the five filed into the room behind her, and immediately took notice of the form laying on the room's only cot.
Temari was not in a good place; unconscious but shifting about in her sleep with grit teeth. An unhappy looking red fox was sat on top of her, but it perked up when Naruto shouted "Uzu!" and it scampered over to him.
"The fuck did this..." Haku muttered, grabbing Sakura and walking over to the patient.
"Sasori of the Red Sand." Kankuro bit out, as the two medic-nin began their work. "Akatsuki, puppet master, the guy that fought and entire country's militia at once and won. This is the second Kazekage he's attempted to assassinate. He managed it last time."
Naruto frowned, stroking the fox. "Wasn't that Orochimaru?"
"He killed the fourth Kazekage. Sasori killed the third."
"Have any of your leaders died of natural causes?"
"Kage don't tend to live long natural lives, blondie, and we're getting distracted."
Kankuro turned to Kakashi. "My sister is dying, and my brother is well on his way. I want the heads of the people responsible on spikes. Will you help?"
Kakashi turned. "Sakura? Haku?"
"We might be able to fix her up." Sakura replied, in business mode. "But I've never seen anything like this poison before. I've identified three different elements that will kill her in one quick check. Do you have any other samples of the poison?"
Kankuro twitched one finger. "Chiyo is coming now."
"Who's Chiyo?" Naruto asked.
"She has history with Sasori. She might be able to help."
"Ex-Girlfriend?"
Kankuro snorted. "Not exactly." To Kakashi, "And the other part? The murdering-the-assholes-that-did-this part?"
"I mean, that will be more difficult." Admitted Kakashi. "Considering we have no idea where they went, their tracks are long gone-"
"Show them the scrap you found." Sasuke called across to him, boredly. The Uchiha was stood separately to everyone else, staring up at the corner of the room curiously.
Kakashi scowled under his mask. "Fine, take all the fun out of it." He pulled some red fabric out of his pocket. "Behold. A scrap."
"The fuck is that." Kankuro asked.
"I'm glad you asked." Kakashi replied. "For you see...dammit Sasuke you took all the wind out of my sails now. This is twice."
"Be a better jonin." Sasuke shrugged, still looking at the corner.
"Punk...yeah it's a scrap off Sasori's clothes. My dog summons can use it to track him."
"Then we're burning time." Kankuro gestured. "Where are we going?"
"We?" Naruto squinted. "Uh, we're going to go fight some S rank ninja. Are you sure you can...do that?"
Kankuro managed to glare even with a bandage across his face. "Look me in the eyes and tell me you don't think I can fight."
Naruto blinked. "I...I can't."
"Exactly."
"He's not blind, Naruto." Sasuke came in to save his teammate. He held up a hand and waved it at an innocuous looking wall. "What's it like living in third person?"
Kankuro actually smiled. He twitched another finger, and a small wooden contraption (previously almost perfectly camouflaged) detached itself from the wall and scuttled along the floor. An eye was now visible on top of it.
"I'm not blind. I see everything that happens in this village." Kankuro explained.
"Oh, you got crippled and it gave you a massive power boost." Naruto realised. "It happens a lot in Jiraiya's books."
"Precisely." Kankuro smiled sweetly. "Remind me to thank Sai before I definitely don't murder him."
"Oh yeah, Suna's still incredibly salty about what happened four years ago." Sakura remarked, not looking up. "Weird that you'd hire us even though you want to seem more independent."
"Oh for-" Kankuro sighed. "You want me to say it? Fine. We need your help. Fuck my pride, I don't care. Just help me save my family."
The Konoha-nin exchanged glances.
"Crap he's being genuine I can't mock that." Naruto summarised.
There was some cackling, and the door opened. "Aww, it's good to see you're making friends, Kankuro. It really warms my old heart."
"Hey Chiyo." Kankuro waved. "The Leaf kiddies want your help."
"That's Sasori's ex?" Naruto screwed his face up, taking a good look at the old woman in a silly hat that walked in. "How old is this guy?"
"She's his grandmother." Kankuro sighed.
"Eugh! That's way worse!"
Kakashi smacked Naruto round the back of his head, eliciting a yelp, but Chiyo just laughed it off, before narrowing her eyes at the two ninja beside Temari's cot. "Oh I recognise that healing style. You two are Tsunade's students."
"...Yes?" Haku confirmed, questioningly.
"Your Kage was a real pain in my butt." Chiyo declared. "She kept healing the people I tried to poison."
"I'm...sorry?" Sakura tried.
"Eh, don't worry about it. That means you'll be useful." Chiyo turned to Kankuro. "Leave me with one of them and your sister will be fine." Her gaze darkened. "I imagine the rest will be going to fight Sasori."
"Let me guess." Sasuke drawled. "He's your grandson, so you don't want us to kill him."
"Oh no, he's crazy and he needs to go down." She dismissed. "I lost most of my empathy for him when he started turning his friends into puppets. Give him an extra kick for me, would you?"
"Just pointing out that there's also a guy called Deidara with clay explosives, and he did most of the work." Kankuro added.
"Oh yeah, kick him too."
Kakashi turned to the medics. "Which one of you two is staying?"
They looked at each other for a moment, before Haku sighed. "I'll stay. Strength is probably more useful than needles against puppets and explosions. Go get your man, Pinkie."
Sakura whooped.
"You do realise you're all going to die, right?" Gaara mused. He was in excruciating pain due to the gradual extraction of his bijuu, but years of living with said bijuu meant he was entirely capable of hiding that pain. There was a massive scary statue behind him that he was trying his hardest to ignore.
"You're remarkable chipper, considering what's going on." Sasori replied, sat next to him. When Gaara didn't respond to that, he sighed, and put on a mocking voice. "Why are we all going to die, mister Kazekage?"
"I'm glad you asked." Gaara smiled back. "It's because I did this thing called making friends during my tenure as Kazekage. And they're all going to come murder you."
"...That's it?"
"Is that not enough?"
"No I was just expecting something more."
"Hm." Gaara mused. "I suppose there's the fact that there aren't any civilians around in this...dingy cave...so you won't be able to hold a bunch of people hostage like you did with me." He smiled, with a vague aura of brutal slaughter. "If you'd like, you can let me go and we can try it again."
Deidara looked hopefully at Sasori.
"No." The puppet master glared, making the bomber huff and wander off.
Sasori walked across to Gaara and leaned towards him. "So, you think you've made friends? Rich. You do realise you're a monster, right? The only people coming after you will be trying to retrieve a war asset."
"I stopped you killing everyone in my village." Gaara replied. "And you're calling me a monster?"
Sasori chuckled, darkly. "Ah, an ethics lesson. I think you'll find most of the world sees things far more literally. Take it from someone who gave up on people long ago; 'friends' will always disappoint you."
Gaara looked up at him and smiled. There was no fear in his eyes. "You've never met Uzumaki Naruto."
Sasori scoffed and turned away.
"So what is the plan for you two?" Gaara called over his shoulders. "Are you just sitting around for a few days while I slowly die in front of you?"
Deidara snorted and looked up. "Few days? Where did you get that idea?"
"Oh. I just presumed-"
"If it took three days to seal a bijuu into the Gedo Mazo that would cause hella plotholes later on." The Akatsuki shrugged. "It takes minutes to hours, depending on how much Pain wants to help."
"Oh." Gaara felt the last wisps of sandy chakra leave his body. "Very well. I'll make a note that Akatsuki always finish quickly."
"...Was that a fucking-" by the time Deidara had stood up to retort, Gaara had already died.
"Hey Neji." Kisame called. "Do you want to send some clones to slow down the people hunting Deidara and Sasori but ultimately not kill anyone?"
"Doesn't that just sound like it would pointlessly pad the runtime without accomplishing anything?" Neji replied.
"Yeah, you're right."
Neji went back to crotcheting. Kisame went back to thinking about killing children.
"We're getting close." Said Kakashi's dog.
We're getting close!" Kakashi shouted backwards, somewhat pointlessly.
The five had broken free of Suna's oppressive desert and followed a river into grassier territories. Now they landed before the mouth of a large cave in a rock face. The opening thrummed softly.
"You seeing what I'm seeing?" Sasuke asked.
Kakashi lifted his headband, revealing his Sharingan, and nodded. "A barrier. Fuuninjutsu. Dammit."
"Puppet mastery is technically a sealing jutsu." Kankuro informed them, the little spider drone on his shoulder looking around. "Sasori's an expert. I heard he can literally put a seal in your brain and control you."
"Shit." Kakashi summarised. "We're going to need an expert if we want to unlock this-"
There was a flash, as a series of golden chains slammed into the barrier. Chakra shattered and dissolved as the glowing links whipped around, tearing the entryway apart.
"It's unlocked." Naruto responded, releasing the chains and letting them vanish. "C'mon, lets go."
"Fuckin' kids..." Kakashi growled. "Alright, fine, lets do this."
They ran in. The cave was very big, almost the size you'd expect of a massive fight arena or something, with only three figures on the inside. Naruto's breath hitched. Kankuro's fingers clenched.
"Well shit." Remarked a long haired blonde, relaxing atop a comfortable looking seat. "That was fast. You guys are good at this."
"Guys, I think this might be them." Sasuke deadpanned.
"Gee, what gave it away, the fact that they're sat on Gaara's corpse?" Naruto snarled. His voice had gradually increased in volume over the sentence. "Hey, Mrs eyepatch? Get your skinny ass off my friend."
"I'm a guy." The blond deadpanned.
"Great, he has Haku syndrome." Sakura summarised.
"Wow, look at all the fucks I don't give. Feet. Off. My brother." Kankuro glared.
"Stop using the Kazekage as a footrest, Deidara." Sasori told his companion.
Sighing dramatically, Deidara heaved himself off Gaara. He made sure to stomp on the boy's head as he got up.
Naruto's eyes flashed red. He began to dart forwards, but four glowing threads in his back held him from lunging straight for the Akatsuki's throat.
"Cool it." Kankuro hissed. "Revenge is easier to enjoy when you're calm."
Across the room, the duo in black were having their own discussion. "We trying for the ninetails?" Deidara asked his mentor, quietly enough that their attackers couldn't hear them.
"If the Kyuubi gets loose, its above our pay grade." Admitted Sasori, grudgingly. "Bait as many as you can then lose them, I'll kill whoever stays and we'll regroup. Leave the Uzumaki boy for Neji or Pain."
Aloud, he said "Ah, Kankuro. The boy with the ingenious turrets. How is your sister doing?"
"Temari will be fine, I'm afraid." Kankuro replied, reaching for a storage scroll behind his back.
"Really? How good to hear." A few ominous clicks came from within Sasori's body. "A shame that you will not have the same fortune. Now."
On 'now' Deidara grabbed Gaara's corpse and span, as Sasori's left arm came up and a hatch in it opened. A whirlwind of small needles blasted out towards them from it.
Naruto was quick to make wind release hand seals, but quickly aborted them as the rest of his squad dodged out of the way. As they did so, Deidara took the opportunity to form a large bird out of clay. It quickly clutched onto Gaara's corpse, and Deidara hopped onto it, gave them a wave, and it began to flap its way up out a hole in the ceiling.
"Shit-"
"Sasori-"
"Catch him-"
"Leave him to-"
"No, you go-"
"I outrank you, dumbass-"
"Clay-"
"When did you make jonin-"
But these were trained ninja, and by the time Sasori's needle attack finished the shouting had been evolved into a plan.
Naruto charged Sasori, shouting loudly and wielding a rasengan, but the Puppet-master slid his tail round and stabbed him in the stomach. Which was fine, because he was a shadow clone, and now Kakashi, Sakura and Naruto Prime leapt up after Deidara.
Sasori turned to intercept them but was forced backwards by a large fireball cutting across his path.
"Let's keep this between us, huh?" Sasuke offered, taking his hand away from his lips.
"We're going to 2V1 a member of the Akatsuki." Kankuro sighed, coming up behind Sasuke. "I'm blind and we're 2V1ing Sasori of the Red Sand."
"Got any hax?" Sasuke asked, as their opponent turned towards them.
"I've got twenty puppets in sealing scrolls, but I can't use more than ten at once." Kankuro warned.
"I've got a high cost line of sight instakill." Sasuke provided. "But I have no idea if that's even his real body."
"Well," Kankuro palmed a sealing scroll. "we'll know once we've torn him apart."
Sasuke grinned, and drew a sword from his back. "Oh I think we're gonna work great together."
My exams are over! I am FREEEE!
Finally I have no more excuses other than to try and power through the roadblock I've hit.
Shit.
Hey, any of you got good ideas for Gokei Byakugan powers? Please, I need one more and my mind's completely blank.
Congrats to those of you who noticed the AtLA references, and if this chapter felt rushed...it was. Ninja travelling for ten episodes at a time is not fun.
See you next week for more violence!
