Who's Jashin?


Beginnerus Rukku

Noun.

Beginnerus Rukku refers to the well reported phenomenon where a technique is significantly more powerful or effective the first time it is used or revealed, when compared to later uses. It is unknown what causes this occurrence, with common theories being the surprise of facing a new technique, or the user not knowing how to regulate it's chakra properly yet.

Links to common comic book tropes are yet unproven.

Examples:

"Naruto just learned shadow clones and he immediately beat up a chunin with it. Beginnerus Rukku if I've ever seen it."

"Naruto just learned the rasengan and he immediately dunked on a jonin level missing-nin with it. Beginnerus Rukku I guess."

"First time Naruto uses the chakra chains he suppresses the freaking one tails with them what kind of Beginnerus Rukku is that."

"Why are all these examples about Naruto."


It was possible, Asuma reflected, that he had underestimated his opponents this time.

To his right, Choji cried out in pain as a barrage of wind blades crashed into his enlarged forearms. The boy was unwilling to move away, though; on the ground behind him was a jonin with his leg broken. Kurenai and Ino were both out cold as well, their specialty techniques had both (somehow) failed to work on the behemoth of a creature calling itself Kakuzu.

As for Asuma himself, he was similarly hard pressed. He and another jonin were currently weathering a blistering kenjutsu assault from their other opponent. Shikimaru's shadow possession had cut out a few moments ago, leaving this 'Hidan' free to swing his scythe like a maniac with a disturbed grin on his face, and Asuma was barely able to keep his chakra daggers between himself and his enemy. Even as he thought that, Hidan jabbed a fist into his face and then span 360 degrees with his scythe pulled tight into his body, and Asuma wasn't able to jump backwards fast enough to avoid a thin red line being cut in through his flak jacket. He grimaced, but landed just fine, easily capable of still fighting.

Hidan, however, clearly didn't think so. He grinned, and drew a line of Asuma's blood off his scythe, holding it up on his finger. "Perfect." He breathed. "Let's let Jashin judge you."

"...who?" Asuma blinked.

Hidan frowned. "J-Jashin. God."

"I thought Kami was God, who's Jashin?"

"Really? You've never heard of-" the man scowled. "Whatever. Die."

He held up the blood to his lips.

Shikimaru let out a warning cry, but before Hidan could ingest the blood, it froze on his finger.

Everyone blanched.

Hidan tried to move his finger, couldn't, and then another bolt of ice shot towards him, encasing his entire fist in the stuff. A senbon darted in next, and the hand shattered.

Hidan howled, clutching his stump, as a lithe figure dropped to the ground in-amidst the combatants.

"Scatter!" Shouted Yuki Haku, before conjuring up walls of ice between the Konoha ninja and the Akatsuki.

They didn't have to be told twice.


hours later

Some distance away, all sat in a cave, the strike force finally let themselves relax.

"That was very close." Haku, sighed, looking across at them. "How's it going, guys? Choji, Shik, Asuma, hi. Ino~..." he grinned at her. "We need to talk about something later, I have an offer to make you."

The blonde squealed a little.

"It's good to see you, Haku." Asuma admitted to the boy. He had gotten to know the Mist-nin quite well over the last few years. "What are you doing here though? Last I checked you were on your way to hidden Mist."

"I was." Haku replied. "It was the fastest turnaround I've ever had to make, didn't even grab lunch." His eyes darkened. "Mei wants me to hunt down the Akatsuki, try and get the Sanbi back."

"She sent you alone? That's suicide!" Kurenai exclaimed, worried-sensei-mode activating.

"Yup," Haku admitted, grumpily, "but the alternative was settling down in Kiri and getting hitched. Mei can have my bloodline when she pries it out of my cold dead hands..."

"So what now?" Ino asked. "We can't take those guys, even with your help, they're crazy strong!"

"But we can't leave them, either." Shikimaru pointed out. "They gloated that they were celebrating their latest Bijuu capture with a bounty hunting spree. If we let them go they're going to kill people. Troublesome..."

"Ino." Haku spoke up, after a moment. "You're a Yamanaka. Can you get in remote contact with Konoha?"

"Damn right I can." She smiled. "What, are we calling for backup?"

Haku nodded, grimly. "We are. And there's only two people I trust enough to have my back on this."


"Fire release sucks!"

"Your mum sucks!"

"Bet my mum could make a better rasengan than your mum!"

"Sucks to be you! My mum doesn't even do ninjutsu, she's a civilian!"

"That's gay!"

"You're double gay!"

"Well I'm more-"

There was a pause.

"What were we doing again?" Naruto checked.

"The daily talking smack about each other's jutsu to motivate each other. Obviously." Sasuke replied.

"Oh, yeah. How's that going for you by the way?"

"Not bad, actually. I've got a gimmick I think can make it work."

"Oh sweet, same." Naruto narrowed his eyes. "I think I'm going to need some sort of catalyst to finalise it, though."

"Like some sort of dramatic event to make the-"

"Make the jutsu work, yeah!"

"Yeah, beginnerus rukku. But I have no idea where we're going to get-"

There was a poof, and Kakashi appeared next to them, short of breath. "With me, now. Team Asuma has just encountered two Akatsuki and they need help." Sasuke and Naruto exchanged glances.

"Something like that?"

"Yeah, something like that."


The next day

"Please, I'm begging you, I haven't done anything wrong!" Cried the man laying on the patio of his estate, next to a woman and child.

"A likely story." Hidan chuckled. "But I'm afraid I see through your lies. Jashin has ordered you sinners dead...in the form of a guy who paid 500 ryo."

The woman frowned. "Wait, who's Jashin?"

Hidan scowled. "Wait, seriously? Jashin! God almighty, leader of a great order..."

"Your religion is, like, really niche. It's basically one cult in the mountains." Kakuzu pointed out.

"W-well." Hidan looked down, genuinely upset. "Well I guess I'll have to spread the good word of our lord more forcefully!"

"We could tell everyone about him if you let us go?" The woman offered, tentatively.

"As if such sinners would ever keep their word." Hidan scoffed.

"Is this because of Derek?" The man asked. "That asshole who lives in hidden Cloud? He's not ordering divine justice, he's just pissed because I slept with his wife!"

"You fucking what?" The woman next to him exclaimed.

"Sinner!" Hidan pointed. "I knew it! I knew it because Jashin told me so!"

"Can we stop wasting time on your religious shit." Deadpanned Kakuzu. "This guy's life is worth, like, nothing. The Leaf ninja, yesterday? Millions of ryo, man. Millions."

"Pfft. I'm not in this for the money." Hidan scoffed.

"Then what was that ranting I heard on Thursday?" Kakuzu asked.

"Look I go through Akatsuki cloaks at a ridiculous rate (mostly because of you) and these things cost 45 ryo."

"You don't understand, honey," said the man on the ground, "Derek wasn't home, me and Stacy were-"

"Stacy is a harlot!" The woman snapped,

"Jashin-"

"Money-"

"You can't just-"

"Can all of you Shut Up!" Haku yelled at the top of his lungs.

The Akatsuki turned around to see him stood in the middle of the garden, having just jumped out of the hedge maze at the back, pinching his nose to hold back a stress headache. "For the love of Kami...I was going to stealth attack you but I cannot put up with that any longer."

"The girl from yesterday..." Kakuzu replied, turning to look at him. Haku tried not to shiver, there was something wrong with the man. "I hard that Mist has quite a bounty on Zabuzza's apprentice."

"Actually no, they cleared that." Haku replied.

"Oh. Well then you're no use to me." Kakuzu shrugged and turned back to the civilian family.

Haku sighed and whistled. Asuma and Kurenai jumped out from behind him.

"Now that's more like it!" Gleefully, Kakuzu (and after some poking, Hidan) turned fully to face the new threat.

"So, the plan?" Asuma asked.

"Delay until reinforcements arrive?" Haku offered.

"I'll take it."

In front of them, Kakuzu made hand seals, and blasted forwards a torrent of water. Smiling, Haku brought his own hands up, and the jets turned into a wall of ice in front of the three jonin.

Kakuzu snarled, and made more seals, before blasting a massive inferno of flames towards the wall. This wasn't like the blasts Haku had tanked from Sasuke on the Bridge of the Water Dragon, this was a Kage level fire style that looked set to melt the wall entirely.

So Haku let it.

At another gesture from him, the wall melted, and immediately vaporised into steam.

"Hidden Mist." Haku smirked. "Hiding in the mist jutsu."

And he was gone.

A lot happened, as the rapidly cooling steam flooded the garden. First, Ino-Shika-Cho leapt down from the roof of the building and picked up the civilian family, jumping away with them. Then, Haku sprinted in, ice manifesting into long, thin daggers in his hands. Hidan shouted out a warning but was too late; the Akatsuki were blinded and Haku darted past, drawing one dagger across Hidan's throat, jumping a flailing scythe and appearing behind Kakuzu to stab another blade through the taller man's heart.

There was a pause.

"Huh." Haku remarked. "I was expecting a little more than that."

Which was when he heard the laughing.

Haku couldn't see, that was the whole point of the mist, but Kakuzu was chuckling very much unlike someone who had just been impaled, and Hidan was laughing very much unlike someone missing a trachea.

Genjutsu? No, I checked. What the hell-

"Aww, poor little girl." Kakuzu chuckled. "What, did you think they call us the zombie duo for nothing?"

"Boy-"

Haku jumped backwards as five somethings erupted out of Kakuzu's back, and then back again as one of them emitted a 360 degree blast of wind release chakra that hurled him straight through the window to the manor. The wind blew away the mist, revealing the five Konoha ninja (the two unnamed had been too injured to continue, how convenient) stood before them.

"Oh, that's why the mind transfer didn't work..." Ino mused.

Kakuzu cut the black chords connecting him to one of the five floating masks, which had flopped to the floor the moment it had appeared. "That's right." He gloated. "Five hearts. Or, four now. Means you'll have to kill me four more times, if you think you can manage it."

"They can break each other out of genjutsu?" Kurenai exclaimed.

"Heh. Yeah."

"New plan." Shikimaru told them, and they all immediately listened. "Leave Kakuzu to Haku and gang up on the taijutsu guy."

"That's the plan?" Choji looked at him, exasperated.

"I don't have much to work with here." Shikimaru admitted, maybe a little sheepishly.

There was a crash, and Haku jumped back out of a window. Three of him.

The identical copies of the Mist ninja jumped out and all surrounded Kakuzu, as one putting their hands together to form a wide prison of ice mirrors. The giant was then bombarded with a hailstorm of ice senbon. The Leaf ninja used the opportunity to close in on Hidan, but it didn't last.

The earth around Kakuzu buckled, jagged spikes of stone piercing up to disrupt the mirror formations and allowing him to casually stroll out. The three Haku jumped to follow him, conjuring various weapons out of ice to attack with, and Kakuzu responded with various elemental blasts.

One arc of wind caught a Haku in the chest, but he shattered into dozens of pieces.

"Ice clones?" Kakuzu asked, incredulously.

Mirror clones, actually. Don't get memories from them, but they all share chakra with each other. Take that, Naruto. Haku had the sense not to describe how his powers worked out loud, instead launching a freezing breath to try and keep Kakuzu's hearts in place. This time the wind element intervened, blowing away the freezing air before it could reach anything. Haku grimaced, noted his rapidly dipping chakra reserves, and began to switch up his tactics, using wind and water individually.

The rest of the combatants were having a similarly difficult time. All of them at once could probably contain Hidan with taijutsu grappling (they were a capture and interrogation team, after all) but in their way was Hidan and Kakuzu's peculiar brand of 'teamwork'. The latter tore the terrain into jagged spikes, conjured harsh winds, floods, and blasts of lightning in a complete frenzy. The former was completely unaffected by any of those things.

Konoha's ninja were constantly jumping and dodging to avoid Kakuzu's elemental attacks, while Hidan completely ignored them. Nothing short of dismemberment had any particular effect on him, and since only one or two ninja could ever close into melee with him at once, they were always at a disadvantage. This was demonstrated when a massive torrent of flame split the battlefield into two segments, and Hidan just walked through the flames to attack them further. They didn't know if it was incredible discipline or some real divine intervention, but none of Kurenai's genjutsu would work on him, either, and Ino could not for the life of her transfer into his head. Choji was too afraid to use his expansion jutsu because one cut put him at risk of a blood-loss related instakill. And Shikimaru just wasn't doing his thing, for some reason, so nobody's gimmicks were working.

And so, they were losing.

On the other side of the field, Kakuzu threw out a set of long black strings and was able to wrap the real Haku up around his legs, arms and waist, hoisting him up into the air.

Panting, and exhausted, Haku was unable to resist.

"Now look at you." Kakuzu chuckled, darkly. "All tied up and at my mercy."

"K-kinky." Haku shot back, putting on an ahegao face. "Kakuzu-kun, please, be gentle!"

"I thought you said you were a dude?" The man tilted his head.

"I am, that a problem?" Haku wriggled and made a noise. "If you could just, ngh, keep this up for a little longer I'm almost there-"

"Okay, this is gross. Now I'm going to steal your heart."

"Oh but Kakuzu-kun, you already have~"

What little Kakuzu had that could be called a face scowled, and more tendrils came up, spearing towards Haku's chest.

Inner Zabuzza, what do I do? He asked, desperately.

Kill the Mizukage! Said inner Zabuzza.

Oh for- Haku apologised internally to Tsunade, and prepared to break his strength of a hundred seal.

Which was when he felt a tugging on the back of his neck.

Grinning in relief, he consented to the substitution jutsu, and popped into existence a few dozen metres above the manor. A pair of strong arms grabbed him, and then he landed softly on the floor some distance from Kakuzu.

"Aww, crap. Was I late?" Asked Uzumaki Naruto.

"Fashionably late." Haku smiled back at him. "if you keep doing things like this I'm going to fall for you again."

"I'm not joining in whatever you, Sai and Ino are up to, if that's what you're asking." Naruto replied, also in good spirits, as he put Haku back on his feet.

Across the garden, Hidan was set on fire again as Sasuke and Kakashi also flipped down into the battlefield, landing beside Asuma and Kurenai.

"You always gotta be so dramatic?" Sasuke called across.

"Can it, edgelord!" Naruto shot back.

Kakuzu looked out at them all without a trace of fear. "Well damn. Look at all that money. Ooh, Sharingan Kakashi! You're worth buckets of ryo."

"Who is putting out all these bounties?" Naruto exclaimed.

"Lightning, probably." Haku admitted. "And, uh, Mist. Sorry."

Hidan hurled away his burnt and tattered cloak in annoyance, glaring at the new arrivals. "You dare to-hrk!" He froze in place as his own shadow grabbed his body.

"Sasuke. With me." Shikimaru said, as though he hasn't just paralysed a dangerous criminal with the shadow possession, and ran off towards the hedge maze. Hidan was forced to follow, and Sasuke (shrugging) took off after him.

"Which leaves you to me." Naruto eyed Kakuzu critically. "Damn, you're uglier than Sasori. You look like-"

"We're not doing this for every unattractive enemy you meet, Naruto!" Kakashi called across.

"Ugh. Fine!"

"I hope you realise what you're getting into, boy." The giant replied, masks swaying dangerously. "The last ninja I fought from Leaf besides you lot...

...was the first Hokage."

There was a pause.

Then everyone started laughing.

"What-" Kakuzu narrowed his eyes. "What's so funny?"

"The first Hokage?" Naruto replied. "Hashi-freakin-rama Senju?"

"Yes."

"Well obviously you didn't win."

"I mean-" Kakuzu looked down, "Technically-"

"Hashirama could have beaten up everyone here in moments!" Naruto had tears in his eyes. "That's like me saying I fought Orochimaru when I was twelve!"

"You did?" Kakuzu blinked.

"Yeah, but I got my ass kicked immediately. 'Fought the first Hokage', the fuck outta here that's the most pointless boast I've ever heard."

"Okay that's it, you all die now." Kakuzu began glowing with elemental might.

Naruto put a hand on Haku's shoulder, and the ice boy felt chakra flood through his system, reinvigorating him.

"Keep him distracted." Naruto said, making a pair of shadow clones. "I've got something I want to test out on him."


"So what does this guy do?" Sasuke asked, following Shikimaru through the hedge maze. He had no idea where they were going, but he wouldn't put it past the Nara to have memorised the maze's layout on his way in.

"He attempts to draw blood, then ingests it and performs a ritual where he stabs himself to inflict wounds on the person he drew it from."

"How do you know that?"

"Because I'm Nara Shikimaru. Fuck you, I can do whatever I want."

"Fair enough."

Shikimaru scowled at something, sweat on his forehead. "Something's resisting me. I can't hold him for much longer, this is such a drag. You have a way to take him out, right?"

"I got a few plans, yeah."

"Oh, good." The shadow snapped.

Dammit Shik-

Sasuke hurled himself forwards as the scythe whistled over his head, then drew his sword to parry the following swipe.

"What-" clang "maniac-" clang "uses a-" clang "scythe with-" clang "Three Blades?"

"This one!" Hidan had a crazed smile as he hurled Sasuke up and backwards with the sheer force of one of his blows.

The Uchiha landed...next to a pretty fountain. Oh hey the centre of the maze.

He looked up and met Hidan's eyes.

Hidan tilted his head. "Are you trying to genjutsu me? Please."

"Do you just resist everything?" Sasuke glared. "What are you, a Senju?"

"No such genetic trivia." The man huffed. "My powers are granted by my God. My mind and body are infallible."

"Oh, we'll see about that." Sasuke palmed his left bracer. "A little birdie told me you don't do great with dismemberment. I'm thinking of going a step further than that, should probably do the trick."

Hidan's eyes narrowed. "What 'little birdie'?"

Sasuke didn't respond, instead gathering fire release chakra in his left hand.

Hidan obviously wasn't about to let that happen, rushing forwards with his scythe, and when he was just too close for Sasuke to possibly defend himself...there was a poof of smoke.

"Boom." Sasuke said, swinging Shibuki.

"Boom-"

Boom.

A few of the custom explosive tags on the blastsword's surface detonated, and a concentrated burst of concussive force smashed onto Hidan's body.

The scythe (and its owner) went flying, the former burying itself into the fountain while the latter crashed into one of the hedges.

"I'm keeping that." Sasuke nodded to the scythe.

Hidan staggered to his feet, glaring, and still mostly unharmed. "That is a holy relic of-"

He was interrupted by a loud whine, like a buzzsaw going off, along with a horrible rending sound.

"That'll be Naruto killing your teammate." The Uchiha remarked, offhandedly. "My turn."

He put his hand out, and started gathering energy. For real this time. The glowing red swirl formed in his hand, quickly lengthening and thinning into a kunai shape. "This doesn't usually work, but I've had a cool idea about how to apply it. Let's see how it goes!"

"Hah! I don't think you understand!" Hidan spread his arms wide, grinning as Sasuke took off into a sprint. "Nothing you do can kill me! I am immortal! I am eternal! The scythe that reaps the souls of the wicked, the light that burns away all evil! I AM JASHIN'S CHOSEN!"

Sasuke dashed in, until his face was inches from Hidan's. Then he frowned in confusion. "Who's Jashin?"

"OH FOR FUCK'S-"

The jutsu slammed into his chest, melting right into his abdomen, as Sasuke's palm struck him and pushed him backwards.

The religious maniac crashed backwards, through one of the hedges, gripping his stomach. He seemed unhurt, initially. Then, after a moment, his eyes widened, and he began to scream.

Sasuke dove behind the fountain as Hidan literally exploded.

Blood, shards of bone, and other matter peppered the surrounding fifty metres and rained down from the air for a good few seconds afterwards.

Then there was silence.

Shikimaru, sat on the sidelines, flicked some goop off his face. "What was that?"

Sasuke peeked up over the rim of the fountain. "Rasenkunai."

"Huh?"

"What happens if a firework goes off on your open palm?"

Shikimaru paused to think about it. "Not much, actually."

"What happens if you clench your fist around it?"

"It'll blow your fingers off." Shikimaru hummed. "You superheated the chakra, then put the technique inside him. It degraded, and its immediate surroundings heated, expanded..."

"It turned him into a frag grenade." Sasuke finished. He eyed a piece of brain matter floating in the fountain. "He's still alive, I think. Technically."

"...Would you like to play videogames some time?" Shikimaru offered, after a moment.

"Sure. Why?"

"I'm now afraid of you." The Nara replied, simply. "I think we should be better friends."

"Hah."

Back from the garden, there was a loud outcry of "EUGH! I JUST GOT EYEBALL IN MY HAIR! SASUKE WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO?"


Didn't expect to be done with both of those two in one chapter, but there you go.

Presenting, Sasuke's new technique. Naruto, offscreen, is doing pretty much what he did in canon against Kakuzu, and Haku is still best boy.

Next week on dragon ball Z: Epilogues! Exposition! Threesomes! And other wholesome fun.