Just a quick head's up; the first chapter of a new, Skyrim fanfiction I've written is up, updating every Thursday. Leave a follow if you're interested.
Vines, Foreshadowing and Anal Sex
Tsunade put down the papers and glared at the two teenagers in front of her. "...I'm not sure how to say this, exactly, but...never use these techniques again."
"What?" Naruto and Sasuke chorused, heartbroken.
"Do I genuinely have to spell out to you why you can't safely use them?" Tsunade pinched the bridge of her nose.
"Uh, yeah!" Naruto replied. "My beautiful baby is finally complete and I can't use her?"
"Oh for..." Tsunade blew through her nose and picked the papers up again, putting on a lecturing tone. "The wind release shredding rasengan-" "Rasenshuriken." "-and the fire release fragmentation rasengan-" "Rasenkunai." "-I am not calling them that." Tsunade cleared her throat. "The former, created by Naruto, applies wind release to the billions of plasma-like chakra particles in the rasengan to turn them into billions of tiny razor sharp blades. These things slice up your opponent on a cellular level. They will cut individual nerves by the dozen and turn the target's body into so much mulch. It could cut through the lower stages of the Susanno and cause about as much pain as using the Susanno."
Sasuke frowned. "How do you know about the-"
"Itachi." The Hokage dismissed. "Ah, and then there's your technique. Sasuke, your technique melts into an opponent's body and superheats it, causing each individual layer of their insides to force its way through every layer above it until it goes outside. You turn your target into a bomb."
"I'm not seeing the problem." Sasuke deadpanned.
"The problem," Tsunade's eye twitched, "besides the fact that these would both constitute war crimes under Konoha law, is what they do the user. Sasuke, you lose control of the technique the moment you let go of it. If it had been anything other than a magically reinforced murder priest, it would have gone off immediately in your face. Naruto, you also have to pummel your opponent with your technique. The entire time you're holding it, it is cutting into your own arm. Anyone other than you would have been crippled. It's possible you have permanent nerve damage from that single use!"
"...but I am me. And I'm fine." Naruto hedged.
"Don't. Use. Them. If you weren't two of the village's most powerful assets, I would have both your asses on cleaning duty for the rest of your lives." Tsunade told them, flatly. "As it is...thank you, for eliminating those Akatsuki. I'll ensure you are both suitably paid for your efforts."
"I mean, I can't take all the credit." Naruto demurred. "Haku was a big help with-"
"Are you saying this doesn't count as you beating an Akatsuki?" Sasuke asked innocently.
"I did it all. By myself." Naruto hastily corrected. "Don't try me, Sass-gay, we've both got two takedowns."
"Are you competing on Akatsuki kills?" Tsunade looked at them even more incredulously.
"Uh, yeah?" Naruto grinned. "I took out Deidara and Kakuzu, he took out Sasori and Hidan. Whoever gets the least when the Akatsuki are all beat has to cook for the other for a week, and hand-feed them the meals. Hey, you wouldn't happen to know where any more are-"
"Get Out Of My Office!"
"Danzo Shimura is the leader of Root. And I hate him." Sai muttered the words to himself as he walked down the street. As always, there was the temporary discomfort as the programming tried to stop him saying them, and then the itch from Sasuke's counter-genjutsu suppressing it. The rebellion was worth the pain, however. The freedom was worth the pain.
Ahead of him, his ears caught the words "And then he just tore into the dude's back with it. It was the most amazing thing I've ever...seen..."
Sai looked up and gulped.
Haku stood there, chatting amicably with Ino-Shika-Cho, but his eyes quickly locked onto Sai's. "Gimme a second guys." He told them, jogging over to stand in front of him.
They stood there for a moment. Haku raised an eyebrow.
Sai opened his mouth, closed it, and eventually just sort of held his arms out to either side in a 'here I am' gesture.
It was enough, apparently. Haku grinned, made a beckoning gesture back to Ino, then grabbed Sai's arm and yanked him off towards the Hokage monument.
"You're going away?" Naruto pouted, heartbroken. "Pervert-sensei, why?"
"Oh calm down, squirt, I'm only going to be a week or so." Jiraiya ruffled Naruto's hair. "You think you're the only one who gets to go out on fun field trips?"
"Yeah, but, you're old!"
"Hey!" Jiraiya grabbed for Naruto's head but he scampered away, laughing. "I could still kick your ass, you little git!"
"Not with the Kyuubi you couldn't~"
"And how's the Kyuubi cooperating at the moment?"
"...you win this round." Naruto declared, solemnly.
Tsunade chuckled in amusement. They were all stood by Konoha's gates, and now the Hokage was 'off duty' she had a bottle of Sake in her hands.
"Nah, I'm not worried." Naruto shook off his pout and grinned. "It's you. Go kick some Akatsuki butt."
"I'm scouting." Jiraiya corrected. "There will be no ass kicking."
"So you're saving them for me?"
"What? No, I'm telling Sasuke where they all are."
"You traitor-"
"Enough." Tsunade held a hand out between them, then went to massage her temples. "Kami, is it the booze or am I actually seeing two of you? You turned him into a mini-you."
"Missed opportunity for you there." Jiraiya agreed. "We're lucky you took on Haku, he doesn't have half your temper."
"You haven't seen him talk about his boss. I'm gonna punch Mei's teeth in next time I see her..." Tsunade shook her head. "Hey, midget, get lost. I need to talk to pudgy here alone."
Naruto straightened. "Is that a mission, lady Hokage?"
"Absolutely. S rank, because if you don't get out of my face right now it's gonna get real dangerous."
"Yes Ma'am!" Naruto squeaked, and scarpered.
"You love that kid, don't you?" Jiraiya chuckled.
"He's alright." Tsunade admitted, smiling at Naruto's retreating back. "A bit obnoxious at first, but charming, once you get used to him. I told you, he's a lot like you."
Jiraiya blinked, trying to decipher the hidden meaning in the words. There was no way Tsunade had just paid him a genuine compliment.
"I know this isn't going to be as easy as you made out to him." She said, meeting Jiraiya's eyes. "Whoever this 'Pain' is, he's possibly the leader of the Akatsuki. Itachi doesn't have a clue what he's capable of, just told me we probably shouldn't piss him off."
"You think I'm scared of a guy calling himself 'Pain'?" Jiraiya laughed. "Don't worry. Worst case scenario I can annoy him to death with that nickname al-"
He froze, as Tsunade darted forwards and grabbed him in a hug. "Just...be careful, dumbass." She whispered, eyes closed.
"This isn't normal." He replied, dropping his persona for a moment and putting an arm round her. "What's got you so afraid?"
"I found a Ryo on the ground earlier today." She mumbled back.
"That's not that-"
"Five times."
"Oh. Okay, yeah, that's-"
"Lucky." She agreed.
There was a silence. "Don't die. Please." She finished. She didn't know what else to say.
"I won't. I promise." He replied, grinning down at her.
She smiled, and wiped the tears away.
"...So does this mean we're down-to-fuck when I get back or are you and Shizune still-"
"Get the fuck out of my village."
Hinata turned away from Deidara's remains and deadeyed Tobi.
"...Welp! Tobi's got to go know!" He smiled from behind the orange mask.
"I don't think you're going anywhere." Hinata tried to intimidate him despite being on the verge of collapse.
"Yeah but you see..." Tobi paused, tapping his mask, "...Y'all ugly!"
He crossed his arms once, twice, then poofed out of existence.
Karin and Jugo both stared at the spot he had once occupied.
"Was...was that a..." Karin gestured.
"Mangekyo Sharingan technique?" Hinata glowered. "Yes. Yes it was."
"I was going to say vine reference."
"Oh. Yes, it was one of those too."
Kudos flew down a few moments later, coming to rest next to the group, and Hinata gratefully sagged against his feathers.
"Woo! That was the coolest fight I've been in in ages! Thanks mistress!"
"Thank you too, Kudos. You did amazing." She smiled back at him and scratched the crown of his head.
"Naw, really you did all the work!" He replied, leaning into the contact. "Hey, do you need me to stay around for anything, or is it cool if I bounce?"
"Nothing else at the moment, thank you. Tell Athena and Forsooth I said hi."
"Oh, I wasn't planning to go see them." Kudos dismissed, nodding his head off into the distance. "There's an owl over there I wanted to go meet."
Hinata stiffened. "An...owl? As in a regular owl or-"
"No! A sage creature, off in that direction." Kudos pointed with one wing, but whatever he could see was far beyond the eyes of the three ninja. "Weird. I didn't think that there were any others chilling in the five nations. Wonder who summoned it."
Despite her exhaustion, Hinata stood up. "Neji." She whispered.
"Oh, crap. The N word." Karin and Jugo exchanged glances backed up a few steps.
"Hey, Kudos, I've got no problem with you going to make friends," Hinata cracked her knuckles, "but do you mind if we tag along?"
Itachi reached for his pouch, found it empty, and exhaled, deciding to take a break. The surrounding trees were peppered with kunai, shuriken, and a few loose pieces of cutlery.
He heard the footsteps approaching from behind him but didn't react, waiting until a pair of hands clasped over his eyes.
"Guess who?" Said a cheery voice.
Itachi gasped. "Could it be..."
"Yes?"
"The most beautiful person in the world?"
"Yees?"
"The love of my life?"
"Yeeees?"
"...Neji Hyuuga?"
The hands came off and slapped him around the back of his head, and he laughed, turning to look at his visitor. "Hey Izumi. How are you?"
His girlfriend crashed into his stomach, tilted her head up for a kiss, and then turned around, pushing her back into him and linking her arms around his neck. "Terrible, now. You've ruined my mood with talk of your secret lover."
"My sincerest apologies." He smiled down at her. "Could I ever possibly make it up to you?"
"Hmm...let's see." She leaned in to kiss him again.
They stayed like that for a few minutes, relishing the temporary peace and quiet. It was one of the cornerstones of their relationship, that. They could relax around one another. Such was all too rare in a ninja's life.
"I heard you're going out again." Izumi told him, eventually.
"Mmhmm. Taking out Kakashi's kids on another Akatsuki suppression mission."
"More information from your secret spying missions? Good for you." Izumi seemed hesitant, quite rightly.
"Relax." He told her. "I've set guards out. We can speak freely."
"Alright then. How is Neji doing?" She held Itachi a little tighter.
He sighed. "About as well as he could expect to. This is an arranged trip, we're meeting him."
"Oh? What does he want, to get a feel of Hinata's teammates?"
"No. He's picked a spot to fall on his sword."
"...oh." Izumi gave him a sad look. His face was set in stone. "So...this is it then? You've tried to convince him-"
"I've tried." Itachi growled. "Again, and again, and again...everything's there for him but he just won't take it."
"Because there's nothing else for him to live for." Izumi nodded. "I saw that look on his face, just before he left. She's the only other thing that matters to him."
"There's more-"
"Oh I know, there's at least two other big-ass responsibilities he has to take care of. But he doesn't care."
"Oh no, he cares. He'd die for me. He'd die for her. It's just that he can't bring himself to live for us." Itachi sighed. "It's not a suppression mission. It's a recovery mission. Hinata recovery mission two, electric boogaloo. By the time we get there Neji will already be-" he paused. Swallowed. Continued. "We'll pick up Hinata, bring her and Neji's body back to Konoha. Give her his eyes if she wants them. Evil vanquished, objective complete, team back together...happy ending."
"For them." Izumi finished the unspoken end to the sentence. "What about you?"
Itachi snorted. "What about me?"
Izumi rolled her eyes and stepped backwards. "How do I look?"
"Beautiful."
She wasn't impressed. "Is that what you know or what you see?"
"I don't need to look. You're always beautiful to me."
Her silence told him that the charm offensive hadn't worked, and he sighed. "You are the most ravishing blurred outline I've ever laid eyes on."
"It's that bad?"
"Without the sharingan on, I operate mostly on sound and touch." He admitted. That's what his training with shurikenjutsu just now had been about. "With it I'm like a shortsighted civilian with bullet-time and precognition."
"So you...you don't even know what I look like?" He could hear the pain in her voice as she hugged him again.
"I told you. You're always beautiful to me. Plus I just substitute in what you look like naked, so-"
"Prick." She laughed. "But that's not all. How...How's your illness progressing?"
He grimaced. Pulling one hand off her waist and holding it out in front of her, he released the iron control he'd held over it the whole time. It began to shake almost immediately. "Tsunade's looked at it. Says she's never seen it before. Some pathogen my immune system didn't know how to defend against, the kind of thing you get if you travel to other nations unvaccinated. Pretty sure I know where I got it too, not that it'll help me recover."
"Oh, Itachi..." Izumi grabbed the shaking hand in both of hers, as though with enough empathy she could calm the spasms. "How...how long do you have?"
"Tsunade thinks I should be bedridden already. Weeks, at most."
She clutched him tighter.
"I know; I'm sorry. I was thinking maybe I'd take team seven to ground zero, bring back samples of-"
"Don't give me hope." She whispered. "Not if you're going to take it away again."
"I'm sorry."
They stood there a little bit longer.
"Does he ever want the truth to come out?" Izumi asked, softly.
"Never." Itachi said. "He'll be a demon if Hinata needs him to be. I've...decided I will too. Tell the truth about some of it, but not all. If Neji wants to be struck from history I damn well want to go with him."
"When will you admit it?"
"I'm worried Sasuke has an idea already. He's been avoiding me since his visit to Orochimaru's hideout. But...after.
It will all come out in the will."
Izumi choked back another sob.
They stood there together, in the trees.
Naruto and Sasuke sat perfectly calmly at the outskirts of Konoha.
"This isn't a silly thing to do." Naruto decided.
"Oh no. Intelligent thing. Wise, even." Sasuke agreed.
"It has to be tested."
"It does. For research purposes."
"Even though the techniques are illegal."
"Even though. Because we're mature and responsible ninja."
"And it's not because we want to see whose is best."
"No, not at all."
"I hadn't even thought about that."
"Me neither. In fact, from a co-operative standpoint, we need to know how they react so we can use them together."
"Precisely."
"But we realise the dangers, which is why we aren't doing it ourselves."
"That's what the shadow clone technique is for."
"Exactly. This is very responsible of us."
"Are you two done making excuses?" Sasuke's shadow clone called up to the pair, from his position down below. It and Naruto's clone were stood in the clearing where the two had duelled with Haku a few weeks ago.
"Of course, worthy scientists." Naruto waved down at them aristocratically. "Please, proceed."
As one, the two clones marshalled their chakra. Sasuke's built up the Rasenkunai in its palm. Naruto's did the same with the Rasenshuriken.
"Sasuke, get this on your Sharingan for research purposes, I want a recording later." Naruto told his friend. "Alright, sacrif-scientists. Three! Two! One! Go!"
They charged, and in the centre of the clearing, the jutsu met.
Now, both teenagers has neglected to remember that fire and wind jutsu were like oil on water, and did not mix very well at all.
At the base level, the Rasenkunai struck the Rasenshuriken dead centre and imparted all the heat from its own chakra into the spinning blades. The fire release only intensified the kinetic energy of the wind release particles, forcing them to move more erratically and push against the shape being forced upon them.
Building pressure fought against the Naruto clone's chakra control.
And won.
Sasuke saw, and was quickly able to perform a reverse summoning with the Crows to pull himself and Naruto out of danger.
Just before an absolutely massive explosion tore the entire surrounding area to shreds.
Lets see how well that chapter title goes down with ff's algorithms...
Events spiral towards their inevitable centre. What else can I say?
Well, only that it would be a boring story if everything went according to plan.
