Mandatory Christmas Special #2


"All I want for christmas...iiiiiis..."

"oooooooOOOH YOUUUUUUU! Da-dan-da-dan-da-dan-da-

Souljaboy off in this (OH!)

Watch me crank it watch me ROLL!

Watch me crank dat, Soulja Boy

Then Superman dat OH!

Now watch me YOU-"

Hinata laughed and kept playing, while Sasuke's head slammed down into the table. "Naruto, I swear to Kami, can you ever listen to a song and start actually singing That Song's lyrics along with it?"

"Uh, yeah, when it's Smash Mouth?" Naruto rolled his eyes like it was obvious.

"Right, of course." Sasuke looked across at Hinata. "And where the hell did you find an intact piano in all...this?"

The three were sat in a tent, in the wreckage of Konohagakure. It was a full day after the Kage Civil War, and the team had reunited in their village for the night before Naruto set off on his training trip.

They'd all needed the time to relax and recuperate. And hey, it was Christmas Eve after all.

"Liberal use of the Byakugan." Hinata answered Sasuke, honestly. "A decent chunk of the village was completely obliterated by Pain, but a lot of it was just picked up and thrown at the cliffs. Some things managed to stay intact."

"Yeesh." Naruto winced. Then his eyes widened. "Oh, no. The presents."

"Hm?" Hinata tilted her head, while Sasuke groaned. "Oh, Lord, here he goes..."

"The Christmas presents!" Naruto exclaimed. "I mean, since nobody is stupid enough to believe that Santa's the one delivering them-"

("Go fuck yourself." Sasuke groaned)

"They've all been destroyed in Pain's invasion!" Naruto slammed his fist into his palm. "And while we're all busy with repairs, nobody's going to be able to go out to get more presents! I mean they'd have to go cross-country trecking just to find an intact shop!"

"Actually," Hinata remarked false-casually, with a small smirk that showed she knew exactly what she was doing, "from what I hear, a large amount of the destruction was actually caused by the Kyuubi when it went rampant against the Deva path. You said you were basically sleepwalking for that bit of the fight, but survivors say you were shooting lasers, spraying fire everywhere, causing earthquakes..."

Naruto looked stricken. "I...Ruined Christmas?" He squeaked.

"No." Sasuke interrupted, seeing where this was going and not liking it. "No, no no. I'm pretty sure that Christmas is cancelled-"

"WHAT?"

"-The village has been blown up, we can help them by helping rebuild, now's not the time to-"

"Team Seven!" Naruto shouted. "We have a new mission! We're going to save Christmas!"

"Woo!" Hinata cheered, clapping happily.

"I hate you, my life, and everything else in this godforsaken world..." Sasuke groaned, and stood up, tugging at his blindfold. "Alright, I'm in. Not like I planned on sleeping tonight anyway..."


Later that evening

Kakashi groaned to himself and stretched, finishing his rounds. Guard duty. Me. This is demeaning.

Or, it's just what you get for begging off helping with the repairs. Said a treacherous voice in his head.

Shut up. He told it.

Sighing, he lifted his headband to reveal his Sharingan, using it to briefly scan the village. Since he'd ended atop one cliff, he had an excellent view of...

He blinked. Blinked again. Took in the sight of a hundred or so figures darting around the village, unnoticed (as of yet) by the occupants and the other guards. Kakashi was a split second from raising the alarm...until he noticed the transformation jutsu they were all under.

"For fucks sake Naruto..." he groaned, jumping down.


Sai, previously sleeping, woke up to the sound of somebody screaming "Shit!"

The next thing he heard was a crash as someone fell through the roof of his shelter.

He was up with his sword in his hand immediately, pointing it towards the pile of wood and fabric on the floor, but paused in his attack at a peculiar noise. Amongst the scrambling and profuse swearing, there was the sound of...bells?

And then a red hat popped out of the mess, and Sai had to struggle not to laugh.

"Motherfucking roofs made out of motherfucking tinfoil..." a man in a red suit, black boots, and a white beard (who otherwise looked an awful lot like Sarutobi Hiruzen) stood up, shaking himself off...and then noticed Sai, and froze.

"Uh..." he said, and then his voice dropped a few registers. "Oh! Oho, sorry there chap, ah, that'll be all those mince pies I suppose, I'm a lot heavier than I used to be-"

"Sasuke?" Sai guessed from the foul mouth alone.

"Hm?" The old man tilted his head. "Oh, no no no, not Sasuke. I'm Santa! Besides, Sasuke is a little punk. Coal only for him."

"Oh, so it's Naruto." Sai sheathed his sword. "What are you...doing? I'm still supposed to be in genjutsu rehab, nobody should be seeing me."

"Well, since you insist..." 'Santa' reached inside his coat, and there was a poof, before he pulled out a small box. "Here you go! Merry Christmas! Cheerio!"

He threw it at Sai, then jumped out the hole he'd already made in the roof.

"...I love my village." Sai told the empty room, before going back to bed.


Tsunade massaged her forehead as the two ANBU gave their report. A few seconds in she held up a hand. "Hold on...he's doing what?"


"What are you doing?"

Konan dropped down on the roof with a glare, fixed at the portly figure in red who had frozen in place at her words.

"...Delivering presents?" Jiraiya tentatively replied.

"To Amegakure. The village that held you prisoner for weeks." Konan pointed out.

"Nagato held me prisoner. Ame is just full of guys being dudes. No hard feelings." Jiraiya hefted the red sack he was holding. "And I mean I already filled this, so it'd be a waste if I didn't go through with the plan now."

The young woman sighed. "Did you do this in Konoha?"

"Uh, absolutely."

She looked shocked at that, but quickly narrowed her eyes again. "What 'presents' do you deliver exactly?"

"Oh, you know." He shrugged. "That which people desire, yet are afraid to publicly purchase or ask for."

"So porn. You dress up as Santa, sneak into peoples houses, and give porn, which you wrote, to the occupants."

"Hey, my services are carefully targeted! None of my recipients are ever left unsatisfied. That's actually a personal rule in life, for me, especially during-"

"Don't want to know." Konan rolled her eyes and turned away. "Just...don't get caught. Remember you're still supposed to be dead."

"If Santa is caught, I'm sure he'll find a way to escape. Oh, hold on." Jiraiya reaches into the bag. "I actually got something for you, it's in here somewhere-"

"Please tell me it's not-"

"Relax, it's not porn. Though I prefer to think of my works as 'art'..." He pulled something out and tossed it to her. "Here."

She caught it, and by the time she looked back up he had already vanished. Sighing, she looked up at the moon and concluded it had already hit Christmas Day, so opened up the colourful wrapping the Sannin had gotten from...somewhere.

The book on origami looked...interesting. As funny as it was, she had never actually officially picked up the discipline. As for the other...

"...'Making decisions without your boyfriend; How to be a strong, independant wom'-Oh, for fucks sake!"


Christmas Morning

There was a knock on the door to the Mizukage's office.

Haku looked up, rubbed the sleep from his eyes, adjusted his new hat (this thing's way too damn big) and called out "Enter."

Mei walked in, causing him to tense, but she didn't immediately shoot him a glare (or glob of lava) like he'd been expecting. Instead her look was more appraising, and...concerned? Pitying?

"All nighter?" She asked, after a moment.

"Mmhmm." Haku replied, cautiously. "Is that standard procedure for a Kage?"

"Oh, you'd better believe it." Mei chuckled. She gestures to her own face. "You have any idea how hard it is to maintain this? I spend half my life working and the other half doing whatever I have to to keep the bags under my eyes invisible." She paused. "Or...well, 'spent' my life that way."

"Yeah." He grimaced. "Um...sorry for stealing your job?"

"No, it's fine." She stopped and thought about it. "Okay, it's totally not fine. You're a bastard. But it's what I did to Yagura so I can't be too pissed about it, and hey, at least you left me alive."

"So...what's up? Why are you here?" He asked, confused.

"Oh, I just saw something odd and had a little question." She walked over to the window and pulled open the curtains. Haku winced as the bright sunlight tore through the dimness he'd maintained in the office the whole night.

Mei winced at the unusually cold breeze that came through, as one hand swept through the white powder on the window sill. "Look at this." She said, flicking it over at him. "Snow. It's a bloody white Christmas out there. It hasn't snowed this deep in Mist for decades, and then suddenly half a week after you take over..."

"Crazy coincidence." Haku said, not meeting her eyes.

"And what was your bloodline again?"

"Mei Terumi, are you trying to imply something?"

"Yuki Haku, did you use your ice powers to make it snow on Christmas morning?"

He drummed his fingers on the tabletop. Then, quietly, "I've been doing it in Konoha for the last four years."

Mei immediately started laughing.

"Hey, screw you, this is hard! Do you have any idea how difficult it is to forcibly alter the weather over this large a region? You can't just cast snowblast at the clouds, I had to strategically drop the the temperature in different places for extended periods, check the direction the wind currents were blowing, measure the-"

"Is this what you were up all night doing?"

"...Yes."

"Hah!" Mei leaned on the sill, looking outside. "Aw, this is adorable. Look at all those children playing in the snow, using the snow in their taijutsu, organising into three teams and beginning a snow war...I mean back in my day we just murdered each other on Christmas."

"Didn't you murder each other when you graduated?"

"Bloody Mist. We murdered each other a lot." She chuckled. "You know when I told you you should make some big gesture to convince the village you were legit, this wasn't quite what I meant."

"You think it's bad?"

"Hell no, this is great. No Kage's been able to control the weather since Tobirama flooded that one village that one time. Just go out, socialise, and beat up the assassins that come after you to thunderous applause."

"Assasinating the Mizukage?" Haku gasped. "Who would ever dare?"

The two shared a laugh.

Mei reaches into her outfit and pulled out a file, tossing it onto his desk. "Oh, right, here. Got you this."

Haku squinted suspiciously at it. "What is this?"

"All the records Mist has on Zabuzza Momochi." Mei watched him tense. "I took the liberty of gathering them up for you. Most of it's statistics and mission reports, but there's some fun stuff in there. School records, pictures, known family..."

"Oh." Haku took the file, hesitantly. "Uh, thank you?"

"No problem. It's Christmas right?" Mei moved to leave.

Haku glanced up at her. "Does...this mean that you aren't also going to try and assassinate me today?"

"Don't push your luck."

"Hah. Right." He got up and stretched as she left, then moved to go get his winter coat; the one that still had the little Kubikiribocho on its zipper.

He'd put the effort in to make the snowfall, he may as well get out there and enjoy it.


"We're sure about this?" Tsunade demanded, striding through the village. "Everyone?"

"Everyone." Kakashi replied from her left. "Every man, woman, and child within 1.5 radii of the villages centre. Including the workers we'd hired from other villages to help out."

"They snuck into that many houses?"

"There wasn't much in the way of sneaking, my lady." Said Shizune with a smile, from her other side. "Apparently many children are ecstatic that Santa Claus has given up his usual secrecy."

"For the love of-" Tsunade pinched the bridge of her nose. "And the materials?"

"They took the wood from the nearest part of the forest." Shizune supplied. "You know, the part we were planning to use to rebuild the village?"

"Not that we can be upset, because they're making up over half of our labour force anyways." Kakashi pointed out, smiling under his mask.

"And just so I'm not mistaking things here..."Tsunade checked, "...Lego. They, they made Lego."

"Wooden Lego, yeah."

"I...how? Why?"

"Well I think statistically it's one of the most popular-"

Tsunade cut right across Kakashi. "I'm not asking how they chose it, I'm asking how they fucking made it all! There's an acre of trees worth of bricks spread across my village, when did they learn woodcarving?"

"Probably last night." Kakashi explained. "If I know them, Naruto sicced a few hundred shadow clones on learning the process, Sasuke copied it with his Sharingan and expanded on it, and Hinata handled all the direction and admin work."

"Their first night all together in the village and this happens. I'm beginning to see why I kept them all out on missions for so long...Is this it?"

They stopped outside a certain tent. Tsunade's aides nodded, and she stepped in through the flap with a glare prepared. "Alright, you little shits, you'd better have a damn good explan...ation..."

Naruto, Hinata and Sasuke...were certainly there. The three were lying unconscious on a shabby, king-sized mattress in the middle of the room. Naruto had his hands wrapped around Sasuke's legs, Hinata was laying practically on top of Naruto, and Sasuke was drooling on Hinata's back.

Scattered around them were a few cards and presents addressed to some combination of the three of them, survivors of (or created after) Pain's attack. Evidently their other well-wishers hasn't wanted to wake them up, and the fact that they hadn't noticed the intrusion indicated just how exhausted they must have been.

"You know, I think this is the first time they've slept since the Kage Summit." Kakashi said, innocently.

Tsunade clenched her teeth.

"Poor dears." Shizune sighed. "And they spent all night just trying to make other people happy, too!"

Tsunade grimaced.

"Alright." She muttered, more quietly this time. "They live. For now. But they'd better put some damn good work in once they're up, and if it hits midday and they haven't woken up..."

Kakashi and Shizune shared a grin, their work done, and left the tent. Tsunade got to the flap, paused, and looked back. She sighed. "Merry Christmas, kiddos. You deserve it."

A whoosh of wind, and she was gone.


A few seconds later, Naruto cracked an eye open.

"She gone?" Sasuke whispered.

"Yup." He replied.

"Oh, thank Kami. I cannot believe we got away with that."

Hinata just smiled, and snuggled closer to Naruto.


Why did I set the precedent for this. Ah, well, had a long car journey to get it done in, and that's where all this started.

Woo, fun Christmas adventure! Enjoy your extra content. Regular chapters resumes Saturday as usual. Canonicity is once again dubious, but fuck it, this is fanfiction. If we respected canon we wouldn't even be here.