Fun with Zombies #1


The title for the most powerful ninja alive is a little term called 'God of Shinobi'. You generally only get it when just about everyone else on the continent (even the ones that hate you) unanimously agree you deserve it.

Hashirama Senju had it, at first, after he pretty much single handedly started the modern era then murdered the only competition for it. Then it was given to Hiruzen, who held it through three world wars and on until his death. Nobody really stood out in the four or so years since then, but everyone who had seen the work of Uzumaki Naruto in the last few weeks had a pretty good idea of who might take the title next.

There's also a much less well known title, the 'heaven-hell duo', which is for the most effective pair of ninja; this one based more on the level of their teamwork rather than raw power. This one was held by Ginkaku and Kinkaku until their death (and they were hardly lacking in raw power, these pricks stole chakra from the nine-tails, they were Kage level) and no duo would claim the title until many years later, in the aftermath of the third shinobi world war. That being Itachi Uchiha and Neji Hyuuga, who were capable of garnering quite the reputation even before one of them ran off to become a terrorist.

And then there's the title for the most effective full ninja team. Much more well known, with only one group ever claiming the title. Everyone's heard of the Sannin, or the 'legendary three'.

And if you'd thought that over a decade of separation, betrayal, and festering depression would get in the way of that teamwork...

Well, I mean, first of all you'd be wrong.

"Shinra tensei!"

"Mud wall!"

"Hidden snake hands!"

"Substitution jutsu!"

The techniques were popping off like fireworks.

Orochimaru got hit with a missile and exploded (he was probably fine) into a mess of small snakes that dropped atop Nagato, but as they were chakra constructs they immediately shrivelled up and died as he used the Preta path to absorb them. A fireball Jiraiya sent in from his left was blocked by a giant panda that appeared out of nowhere and vanished just as quickly, then from the other side Tsunade simply hurled a massive boulder at him. Another "Shinra Tensei." Blew it into pieces, and then Tsunade was lunging in. She punched the arm that aimed to rip out her soul, blasting it into dust, just as Orochimaru substituted with a broken rock shard (oh good, there he was-) and stretched out with the sword of Kusanagi all while Jiraiya's hair whipped in to immobilise another arm.

Nagato's eyes narrowed almost imperceptibly.

The arm trapped by the hair grew buzz saws that shredded the offending locks at the same moment the King of Hell appeared from the ground and stretched its tongue out, catching Tsunade's arm as she moved in for a punch, and a quick Bansho Tenin (on an entirely different cooldown to his universal push) yanked Orochimaru in off his feet, colliding into Tsunade.

She quickly tore her arm free of the King, she and Orochimaru twisting and moving through each other's space like dancers, preventing either from being thrown off balance. They were professionals, for goodness sake, come on, they knew how to avoid tripping each other up. But it gave Nagato time to catch the sword of Kusanagi, grabbing it in his now free hand and twisting it away. He kicked out at Tsunade, but she blocked his leg so hard it flew off, and Jiraiya was charging in with a giant Rasengan while Nagato's stump-leg grew a cannon, which promptly fired a load of buckshot straight through Tsunade's chest. The hand that had redirected Kusanagi grabbed Orochimaru by the throat, who then exhaled in Nagato's face, releasing a cloud of fumes that quickly congealed into an adhesive mass that covered his upper torso, leaving him unable to move an arm to catch the Rasengan that was growing closer and-

The timer ticked over. Another "Shinra Tensei." tore the offending goop off him, negated the attack, and flung all his attackers away.

Okay, this little shit is good. Jiraiya sent to his teammates. (if you aren't using genjutsu to communicate at this point, you aren't trying.)

Told you we should have just killed him when he was ten. Orochimaru added, retracting Kusanagi into his gullet with a snap. He still couldn't effectively use his arms for much.

"Hundred healings." Tsunade muttered out loud, and her tattoos spread across her body as the gross damage to her stomach was rapidly mended. For the first time in forever, I'm agreeing with traitor-face. How many different powers does this guy need? They all barely have noticeable warmups, only a few have cooldowns, and he doesn't even have to give a crap about chakra cost.

We'll manage. Jiraiya reassured. We know everything he can do, even if it's all stupidly overpowered. Improvise...

Adapt...Tsunade added.

Overcome. Finished Orochimaru. The snake Sannin was smiling.

"Sorry again." Nagato said aloud. "I really don't-Oh, perfect, I can't reasonably avoid using this anymore. Summoning jutsu."

He put his arms down on the floor.

Appearing in front of him was, well, a goddamn menagerie. The Sannin all jumped backwards to avoid a three headed dog, gecko, bird-thing, and panda, all of which dwarfed the surrounding landscape.

"For the love of..." Tsunade groaned.

"Oh, come on team, power ranger moment!" Jiraiya grinned.

He bit his finger, Orochimaru slit one palm with a nail, and Tsunade gathered some blood from her wounded stomach. As one, they declared "Summoning jutsu!" and slammed their hands to the floor.

A gigantic Toad, Slug, and Snake all boomed into existence, quickly taking stock of the situation and each other.

"Ohoho, great! Round two! Can't argue with another chance to take on this guy!" Gamabunta grinned, drawing his sword.

"It's so good that we're all able to get together again without fighting each other!" Gushed Katsuya.

"It has been a while..." Manda mused. "Let's show these monsters what a real summon can do."

"Remember guys, he can resummon them the moment they die, and we can't exhaust him like last time!" Jiraiya shouted, from atop Gamabunta's head. "Keep 'em busy for us while we seal the summoner!"

You sure you can do that? Orochimaru sent across. I understand you had a little trouble keeping the nine-tails in line while you were training it's host. I'd take a rampaging Kyuubi over this zombie any day.

I'm sure. Jiraiya cracked his knuckles. You're only talking to the guy who taught Minato Freaking Namikaze. All I need is a second or so...

That's what B said. Tsunade sent, wryly. I think that dog just crushed his body.

"We'll make it work!" He reiterated, out loud. "Now then! Chin up, losers, we've got a full on freaking kaiju battle to navigate!"


Naruto ran through the forest, eyes narrowed in concentration. He was barely even noticing his surroundings; all his attention on the never ending flood of info from his army of shadow clones.

Much as he didn't like to admit, this was...taxing. Two thousand sets of memories of the same twenty second fight in the same place? Fine. He just ended up with a ridiculously accurate memory of the time, a 3D printout with hundreds of different perspectives that congealed into something a little like what Hinata's byakugan saw.

But this was nothing like that. Every few seconds he was receiving memories from popped clones from hundreds of different places from across the war. He saw all four divisions, hundreds of reanimated ninja, Kakashi, Gai, Sai, Fugaku...Madara. And hot damn if that wasn't a particularly terrifying perspective; the clone backing up the Kage against him was in the middle of the fight of its life.

Naruto Prime felt a headache building. All of the memories, all of the raw info, all of the pain...

Easy, Kit. Advised the Kyuubi. Maybe you shouldn't be pushing yourself this hard?

Everywhere I'm not fighting, people are dying. Naruto retorted, angrily. Now's not the time to take it easy.

And if you pass out from the strain and they all pop, it'll be even worse. The Fox pointed out. This is your first time really pushing your limits. If you can stay at the exact maximum effort you can put in, great, but if you don't know what that limit is, you're better off undershooting.

You want me to gamble with peoples lives?

When you have the power we do, you're always gambling with lives. Get used to it quickly. And anyway, remember that the fastest way to save those people is to find the person reanimating everyone and end them. Focus on that.

Fucking...right. Okay.

It was at that exact moment that he felt a consciousness blink into existence in front of him.

He stopped on a tree branch, warily looking forwards as a man in a mask jumped up to an opposite branch and tilt his head at him.

"Tobi, right?" Naruto asked. "Hey, what's up. I'm here to walk right into your trap."

"You are, aren't you?" The masked man replied. Naruto didn't fail to notice that one of his eyes held a Sharingan, and the other...a Rinnegan? How many of those freaking things are there?

"I'm a little curious," Tobi continued, "Why you are here, given that you're fully aware I want that Bijuu. B I can understand, but you have clones, dude, what's your deal?"

"I'm an idiot." Naruto replied, smiling. "I mean, I could use the excuse that I'm a lot more durable than the clones are. But the truth is, I just wanna punch your face in personally."

Tobi laughed. "Well damn if you don't fit the textbook definition of a Shonen protagonist."

Naruto's smile widened. "Fit it? I wrote that definition."

"Oh I like you!" Tobi clapped his hands. "Well, you know what has to happen now, right?"

"Final showdown?" Naruto asked. "We can't do that one until I've fully bonded with the Kyuubi. Sorry, dramatic story structure, you know."

"Oh, crap, you're right." Tobi put one hand to his chin and stroked the mask there with a finger. "Okay, so that means...oh, I know! You can fight my evil lieutenants!"

He snapped his fingers and the air in front of him swirled, a portal of some kind opening in midair.

Out of that portal jumped six men and women with Rinnegan eyes, and Naruto suddenly got a blast of deja-vu.

"Oh, poop." He muttered to himself, then raised his voice. "Are those the freaking Jinchurikki?"

"Yup!" Tobi sounded like he was beaming, as his six paths of pain arrayed themselves in front of him. "Funny thing, you know how I have all the tailed beasts in the Gedo statue? Well if I really want to, I can imbue those beasts back into the bodies of the paths of Pain! So I can remote control six Jinchurikki to fight you while still keeping all the Rinnegan powers to myself, isn't that neat?"

"They can all use their bijuu powers?"

"They can all use their bijuu powers, yes."

"And you're controlling them and they can all see through each other's eyes still?"

"Yes, and they all have their jutsu and bloodline limits from when they were alive."

Naruto sighed, deeply.

"I know this is kinda rich coming from me." He said, making a fighting stance. "But your powers are bullshit."


Sasuke had noticed, as early as back in the Forest of Death, that an Uchiha and Hyuuga working together made a dangerous pair. It had been true in the Chunin exams, and it was even more so now: Their dojutsu had both improved considerably in the last four years, and they were able to synchronise with each other to an incredible degree.

There was one slight problem though.

"Great fire-"

"Lightning-"

"That combination attack won't work, you two, we've been using it for years, we know how to block it!"

"Fuck off, Itachi!"

Yeah, their opponents could do the exact same thing. Only they had a decade more experience doing it.

The forest where the Hyuuga and Uchiha brawled was barely even still there at this point. One side had eternal dojutsu, and the other side regenerated and had infinite chakra, which meant that everything in a two-hundred metre radius was covered in either black fire, white opal, or both. Navigating that terrain (with the abandon only undead can muster) were Neji and Itachi, and the pair were working together like they shared the same brain. They substituted with each other constantly, meaning Sasuke and Hinata could never be sure which opponent they were going to face at any given moment. They threw each other equipment, they set up jutsu for each other to capitalise on, they acted without taking any time at all to communicate yet always managed to be at the exact right place at the exact right time.

And then, obviously, there was the dojutsu spam.

"Tsukiyomi!" Itachi called, making eye contact with Hinata, and "Hiragekoma!" She tore the genjutsu apart almost immediately, but was too slow to stop the "Amaterasu!" That sprung to life on her torso, and was only saved by "Kagutsuchi!" Sasuke pulling the attack away from her while he was trying to defend himself from a taijutsu blitz from Neji. In turn, it was only a rapid "Kesshotoketsu!" from Hinata that froze Neji's arm in place to stop his palm striking Sasuke's head.

If Hinata hadn't shared the secret about deliberately blinding yourself, "Kokosora!" would have taken Sasuke out the fight before it had even began.

"You know, it is actually really fun to be able to use all my crazy powers!" Neji shouted, freeing himself and jumping away as Samehada crashed into his previous location. "You know, without worrying about overusing them and killing myself!"

"Yes, I'm sure it's a wonderful power fantasy!" Hinata shot back. "Now could you kindly stop it? You're making this a lot harder for us!"

"We're under Kabuto's control, remember?" Itachi explained, as he flicked one wrist and the air in front of him was torn apart by shuriken and kunai. "We're being made to go all out! I've been running through a bunch of mental gymnastics to try and interfere with it, or I'd've killed you twice already!"

"Three times!" Neji cut in.

"Oh, quit showing off!" Sasuke snarled.

"Look, do something!" Neji advised, focusing on Hinata. "You can't beat me with attrition this time, cousin, you need to do something decisive! Trust me, you do not want to know what Kabuto has planned for you!"

"I didn't, until you said that." She rolled her eyes, while she was pirouetting upside down with a chidori in her hand. "Alright, fine, escalating. Sasuke!" She shot a genjutsu across.

He received it, and grinned. "On it!"

She dropped down in front of Sasuke just as Itachi decided he was going to launch a "Ultimate Burning Dragon Jutsu!" And then set that on fire with Amaterasu, because why not, right?

It streaked towards her, and she narrowed her eyes, crossing her arms in front of herself.

The dragon crashed into her.

Then she heaved, and the white wings of her Vishnu swung outwards, firing a blizzard of opal feathers covered in Amaterasu back out at them. She jumped up, and took to the air, as Sasuke's Susanno manifested behind her and launched it's string of Magatama forwards.

"Oh, yours gets wings? That's not fair!" Shouted Neji as he darted behind Itachi, who's orange Susanno blossomed around both of them. He brought up the Yata mirror to block the shrapnel, and that was what the magatama beads latched onto, wrapping around it. Sasuke's Susanno heaved, if I can just get that damn shield out of the way, Hinata's crazy chidori variants should be able to break through-

It didn't work. Neji, encased in his own Vishnu, jumped out and launched a palm strike at the chain in just the right spot, shattering it and causing the beads no longer attached to disintegrate.

Hinata was already on the way down, now flapping her wings rapidly to try and negate her momentum, but the very nature of their combination attack had left her a very tiny window to disengage.

Neji jumped up at her, and she let the Crystal chidori she'd been charging punch through his chest, but realised too late that that was the whole point, and even as he plummeted several metres into the ground, he'd taken the only attack she had that might block the Totsuka blade Shit-

"No!" Shouted Itachi, spearing the sword towards her, and

"No!" Roared Sasuke, who discarded the magatama with one hand while raising the other up to point forwards without any idea what he was trying to do but come on, you're 'He who has the power to help by all means', right?

Purple chakra coalesced above the arm, and then he clenched his fist, and there was a sonic boom.

A bolt the size of a tree flew out of the newly formed crossbow, and collided into the Totsuka blade, knocking it sideways. Hinata banked hard, and the orange sword came within an inch of her nose as she flew right along its length, landed on the Susanno's chest, and then stabbed a crystal enhanced chidori sharp-spear straight through it, neatly beheading Itachi.

The Susanno dissipated and Hinata dropped down atop the disintegrating body, pulling out a sealing scroll and hoping beyond hope that this would actually work. Behind her, her Byakugan showed her that Sasuke was doing something similar. He jumped down to where Neji was trying to emerge from his hole and slammed a Susanno fist into him like this was fucking whack-a-mole, then dropped out of his avatar to bear down on the remnants with another sealing scroll in his hands.

If the zombies hadn't regenerated from the head, it would have worked.

Neji managed to pull off a Hiragekoma the very moment his eyes had reformed (oh, of course they don't actually need to say the words-) which completely nullified the entire array on the scroll. Itachi didn't have so graceful a solution, he just set the whole damn thing on fire.

Sasuke and Hinata were both forced to back up as the Edo-nin both returned to full corporeal form.

"This is so, fucking, stupid." Itachi growled.

"Nice try, you really should have had us there." Neji groaned.

Hinata and Sasuke exchanged glances.

We can't seal them in the time they regenerate, even if we completely destroy them. She sent across.

And EMS might have made my Mangekyo techniques cheaper, but I still can't keep up the Susanno for more than a minute without running out of chakra. Sasuke replied. Same with you?

Hinata nodded. "Don't you think all this is just...ridiculous? It's like all semblance of real strategy and careful technique choice is just gone. Now all we're doing is using our bullshit dojutsu powers to solve all our problems."

"Feels like it takes all the skill out of it, yeah." Sasuke sighed. "I mean, I dramatically won a fight while blind, so I'm over it, but you're still right."

"Think I should do that?"

"I mean maybe after the war, we're kind of on a time limit here. Who would be fun for you to fight blind, Gai, maybe?"

"Yeah but then it's just a matter of how many gates I can deal with, no way I can beat all eight without the Vishnu. Maybe I could take on Kakashi with his mask down?"

"Ooh, I'd pay to see that fight!"

Across from them, Itachi held a hand up. "Uh, guys? Kabuto's gonna make us attack you again now."

"Right, fine, yeah..." Sasuke sighed and stretched. "Okay, come on. What can we do to get a definitive advantage over these pricks..."

Hinata thought about it. Now would be a wonderful time to have the Totsuka blade, actually. Did it seal them, or just throw them into some other dimension?

Ooh, throw them somewhere else, that would work. I don't know anything that can teleport people away from me...teleport people to me and move me somewhere else? Karin had that one idea against Deidara, didn't she, where I could dodge the explosion by summoning-

SUMMONING!

She grinned, and used a chakra scalpel from one finger to slit her palm.

The only summons Kabuto had experience dealing with were the snakes. And the snakes were selfish, honourless pricks. But the owls...

"Summoning Jutsu! Athena!" She slammed her palm to the ground, feeling a huge chunk of her remaining chakra leave her.

Across the battlefield, Neji immediately understood what was going on, but was clever enough not to act like it; he just grinned and said "Alright then, Kaiju battle! Summoning Jutsu! Icarus!"


In the angel mountains, Icarus and Athena both felt the tug at the same time. They looked at each other, then both turned to the other two owls nearby.

"Don't. Go. Anywhere. Do you understand?" Athena ordered, dangerously.

On the planetoid below them both, Kudos twitched. He kept his eyes very carefully shut, and nodded.

"I won't let anything happen too him, my lady." Forsooth bowed.

With that assurance, the two siblings both vanished.


"How the hell does this help us!" Sasuke shouted once the two giants appeared, facing each other.

"Because Kabuto made a mistake." Hinata grinned. Primed as he was by the other big kaiju battle going on a few kilometres behind them (Oh hey, Jiraiya's alive. And I'm glad to see Rochi's doing okay.) Kabuto had made the mistake of allowing Neji to make a summon to counter hers.

But the owls weren't the same as the creatures from the animal path.

Rule one of any summoning contract with sage creatures: Just because you summoned them doesn't mean they're under your control.

"Dear sister." Icarus mused. "It's been a long decade. Don't you think it's about time we buried the hatchet?"

"Indeed." Athena replied. "Let's bury it in them."

"I know this was my idea, but since I can feel pain, I am very much regretting it right now." Remarked Neji, as both owls turned as one, and drew their weapons on him.


I'd like to say this was all planned from the start, but I really did not plan for the owls to play such a big role when I first introduced them. Put Checkov's gun on the wall and it'll fire itself, I guess.

And as meta as conversations may get, I promise you, Naruto cannot break the fourth wall. He's just read way too much manga, and knows when to spot the patterns.