Fun with Zombies #2


If civilisation survives the next few days, Jiraiya decided, there are gonna be so many cool kaiju movies about this.

The bird Nagato was riding screamed as Manda leapt up and latched its jaws about its throat. Below, Katsuya had split into three and grabbed onto all of the dog's heads, doing something very horrible to it (that was better off undescribed) causing it to run around, howling in pain and outright trampling the gecko-thing. Gamabunta had stabbed his sword through one of the legs of the giant rhino, effectively immobilising it, and looked up to the horizon. "Hey, look!" He called. "Athena and Icarus are over there! I haven't seen them in ages!"

"Eyes on the battle!" Jiraiya shouted from atop his forehead, looking higher up to where Manda was forcing the bird to slowly lose altitude. "Can you jump that high?"

"Hah! Can I?"

Up in the air, Nagato was unable to use Shinra Tensei without blowing away his own bird, but that was far from his only deterrent. He threw off his tattered and mostly destroyed robe, bearing his upper torso just in time for six missiles to fire themselves up from his back, arcing through the air and down to slam into Manda's body...or they would have, if they hadn't exploded in the air a few metres away.

Jiraiya didn't know how Orochimaru was doing it, but he didn't care, he and Gamabunta had just jumped upwards above both of them. Gamabunta drew his sword, "Kiai!"d, and swung it down, neatly decapitating the bird. Jiraiya jumped off as it vanished, leaving Nagato in free fall, and dove towards the Uzumaki with another giant Rasengan.

There were a few ways the plan could go, and the route was decided when Nagato chose not to negate the attack with one of his precious Universal Pushes, instead catching it with the Preta path. This was good. This meant two of his arms were occupied.

His third Asura limb disjointed awkwardly, and caught Orochimaru's attempt to cut it off with the sword of Kusanagi (everyone who had fought with or against the Sannin knew that generally, Orochimaru could find a way to be Wherever He Wanted on the battlefield, regardless of anything you tried to do about it.)

Jiraiya kept on pouring chakra into the Giant Rasengan, feeling his reserves dip dangerously as Orochimaru kept swinging his mouth-sword to keep the Asura-arm from doing anything as they all fell through the air, and Tsunade jumped up from the ground below them, preparing a double-kick that would blow off both Nagato's normal arms and free up Jiraiya to start the sealing process.

Even if he uses the universal push, she's out of range, and-

"Bansho Tenin!"

"Oh for fuck's sake-"

Tsunade felt herself being yanked in even faster, and then they were all within ten feet just in time for "Shinra Tensei!" to hurl them all away again.

This wasn't the end though, Gamabunta was falling beside Nagato and had just finished the hand seals for a water bullet, and hopefully the Uzumaki wouldn't realise that, since they were sage creatures, he couldn't absorb their jutsu-

He realised.

He made one hand seal, and the giant panda teleported from the floor to just in front of him, catching the water bullet and being flung backwards across the forest. Then he made another seal, and the bird was resummoned below him. This didn't only catch him, it caught Tsunade, who had been thrown directly downwards by the Shinra tensei and was now flat on her back amidst grey feathers.

She immediately slammed her fist downwards, hitting the beast below her with enough force to destroy it immediately, but it had already arrested all her momentum and Nagato was practically diving towards her with his hand outstretched.

She growled, and clapped her hands together.

The force she generated broke every bone in both hands as she replicated a move she'd seen in a movie once (and had then attempted, and then been laughed at by her teammates for weeks. It had gone about as well as you'd expect.) The resulting shockwave blasted through the air and outright tore Nagato's outstretched hand off, and propelled Tsunade downwards faster, giving her enough time to reorient herself, hit the floor, and jump away.

Nagato regenerated the arm, resummoned the bird (again) and floated there watching them.

The timer on Shinra Tensei reset.

The Sannin regrouped.

"I'm a little bit upset." Orochimaru admitted. His body was missing an arm, and bleeding profusely.

"Yeah. Getting a little of that myself." Tsunade said through gritted teeth, as her hands painfully mended themselves.

"Please come up with something!" Nagato shouted over to them. "The only reason I'm being this passive is because I'm currently trying to exhaust you all! And the only reason I'm allowed to do that is because you haven't really threatened me yet!"

Even if it was the least effective strategy Nagato could pick, it was still working. Jiraiya assessed the situation, and sighed. His chakra pool was practically empty. "We need my sage mode." He told them. "I could tango with Deva in it, for a while. And if I can make a Senjutsu Rasengan, we only need to bait out Shinra Tensei and it's GG. It might just turn him into a statue right on the spot."

Tsunade looked across at him. "You going to summon Ma and Pa?"

"Don't have the chakra to. I'll have to manage without." He grinned weakly. "If I'm ever going to become a perfect sage, now's the time, right?"

"How long will you need?" Orochimaru asked.

"I don't know. Full seconds. Maybe minutes."

"Wonderful..." the Snake Sannin seemed to finally notice the state of his body. "Fine. We'll buy you the time if it kills us."

"Don't you dare make it kill us." Tsunade warned him, before looking across at Orochimaru. "You want some healing on that?"

"Nope. This body was only ever meant to be temporary." He breathed in, and out. "This might be a little...gross. Eight Headed Serpent jutsu."

"Oh, crap, now we're talking." Nagato tapped his bird once, and it charged forwards.

Tsunade smashed her fists together, Jiraiya began to meditate, and Orochimaru straight up disintegrated.


"Indra's Arrow: Miniature!"

"Oh, this has got to be Karma for when I made you fight him!"

"Not Karma. Just spite!"

Itachi and Neji quite reasonably got out of the way of the giant bolt of lightning (Yata Mirror's all well and good, but not when the attack is bigger than the shield) and Hinata swooped in after it, launching down into taijutsu with her cousin.

Sasuke couldn't join her, he was stood atop the head of Athena using Kagutsuchi to redirect all the black fire Itachi was throwing at them. The benefit they gained from sacrificing one of their combatants like that was...fairly obvious. Another arrow wider than Hinata's armspan blasted past her cheek and tore a gaping hole in Neji's left side as he tried desperately to evade it, his remaining limbs blocking her furious taijutsu assault.

Insuffuciently.

Her wings dug into his shoulders, leaving his arms to beat harmlessly against them as hers were free to strike at his head and torso. Such attempts were ineffective, because the whole point of the damn Vishnu was that it didn't let chakra through, for the love of-

Something something personal mantra, world's literally at stake, let's do this- "First Gate! Open!"

She closed her fingers, and punched, and began to see some real effects.

"We really need to stop meeting like this!" Neji shouted at her, when her fist broke his collarbone. It healed rapidly.

"Your bloody fault!" She snarled, skin red. "You're the one who had to break into so many bits while I was kicking your ass the first time!"

"That's...technically fair!" Neji continued blocking, as she forced him further and further backwards. He was fully intact now, having regenerated from the arrows hits. Oh for goodness sake, how many times do I have to teach you this lesson young man!

"Third Gate! Open!"

"Is that your solution to every problem?" Neji rolled his eyes (she punched one of them). "Just gradually increase in gates until opponent is dead?"

"Works for Lee! And no, this is just my solution to you!"

He kept blocking. She kept attacking. After a while, she had torn off his legs, and was basically beating a slowly regenerating torso through the forest.

It was only when she realised that Neji was not talking and that she didn't actually have a final solution beyond 'whale on him until exhausted', that she actually thought to pay attention to her Byakugan again.

And swore.

I'm So Fucking Stupid-

She stopped her attack, cut the gates, and pivoted on the spot, catching the amaterasu that came flying towards her on one wing, as Itachi charged out from the woods towards her.

She'd gotten distracted, lost focus on the wider battle, let Neji bait her away from the conflict, and now Sasuke and the birds were stuck dealing with a quartet of exploding shadow clones while both of the duo tag-teamed her dammit Hinata! And as much as she wanted to blame the effects of the gates, she was fully aware this was an issue she had a history of.

She swept Itachi aside with her intact wing while the other crumbled under the black fire, then turned back to block a palm strike from Neji, froze him with Kesshotoketsu, turned back again and fired off lightning at Itachi who was already ducking it and setting off a giant fire dragon right in her face-

She flew backwards, and Neji caught her, grabbing one leg, breaking the bone with some lightning technique and then slamming her into the ground. She trapped him in crystal again, then Itachi was flipping over her again and she froze him too, but then Neji was free and he kicked her in the ribs as she tried to get up, and she kept spraying the crystal attacks at both of them as she crawled away but they were getting better at breaking it, and then Itachi threw up an earth wall in front of her next one and pushed it towards her, and she smashed through it only for Neji to dart over her head and grapple her, yanking her hair back and trying to force her to her knees as the barest parts of Itachi's Susanno appeared, most notably his giant fuckoff sealing sword, and Hinata started making the hand seals of her most immediately explosive jutsu but it looked like there wouldn't be enough time-

Sorry Sasuke, Naruto-

There was a keening screech. Her Byakugan showed her nothing, but her eyes were able to see just fine as a gigantic blue shape crashed down into her right as the Totsuka blade thrust in-


Orochimaru, briefly, existed in the form of a large white snake with a very weird, scary face on the end of it.

"So yeah, this is me." He said, in a hissing voice. "This is what I look like."

"Neat." Said Tsunade.

And then he grew.

By the time Nagato's bird reached them, it was batted out of the sky by a humongous white hydra. This thing had eight freaking heads, each of which was bigger than Manda, and it began clearing out all the Animal path's summons with ease.

"Since when in hell did you have that?" Tsunade shouted.

"Since I needed something that could flex on Jiraiya's sage mode!" Orochimaru answered her, a more human looking body emerging out of one of the hydra's mouths. "What are you waiting for, help me beat this guy up! Ultimate dragonbreath jutsu!"

Five of the snake's heads opened, each launching the 'Dragon' jutsu of all five elements.

Nagato began to run as earth, wind, fire, water, and lightning blasts began crashing into his position.

Tsunade didn't need telling twice, she charged in to intercept him.

Behind them both, with the three large summons standing guard, Jiraiya sat in seiza on the forest floor, eyes closed and eyebrows furrowed in intense concentration.

And Naruto mastered this in, what, a week? Heh. Always knew the kid was something special.

Jiraiya knew that he wasn't anything special.

Orochimaru? Unqualified genius. Master battle strategist. Learned all five natures faster than Hiruzen had. Literal professional geneticist, he could go by 'Doctor' if he wanted to.

Tsunade? Same story. Best medical ninja the world had ever seen. Had the chakra control to use the Strength of a Hundred Seal (speaks for itself), and then still used all that to be a frontline fighter.

But Jiraiya? The only reason he had so much battle-wisdom was from the sheer level of shit he'd gone through and barely survived. His chakra reserves were robust, but nothing , he could honestly claim to be able to beat Tsunade (using Sage Mode) but even then, it wasn't him. He could pull off certain Senjutsu techniques, the Swamp of the Underworld was one he could rely on on the battlefield, but he couldn't enter sage mode without the Toads feeding him the chakra. Even after a lifetime of training. Even when he'd needed to stop Orochimaru leaving the village, that night in the rain all those years ago...he hadn't been able to do it.

But that was then, and this was now.

They're here now. Tsunade is bleeding, and she's fighting on. Orochimaru is healthier than I've ever seen him, even if he is currently a giant eight headed snake. It's a goddamn miracle we're all here, and we can stay that way so long as you can pull this off right now.

But it still didn't happen.

He noticed one toe twitching, and angrily stilled it. This was the part he'd never been able to get down. You're supposed to relax, he knew that, but how? His friends were up ahead fighting, the explosions he could hear were enough to prove that, was he supposed to just sit here and be calm?

Think. Naruto did this. Minato did this. Hashirama did this, and so did countless others. People were in situations where their life and the lives of those they cared about were on the line, and they stayed the fuck still and got themselves that green good stuff. HOW?

Making peace with the idea of failure? No, Minato might be able to do that but Naruto never would. Believing in themselves? Would that even help? Or was the answer just something so blindingly obvious that it was only the big dumbo toad-man who couldn't get it? His hands clenched into fists.

"Still having trouble, huh Jiraiya?" Chuckled Gamabunta.

Jiraiya sighed, opened his eyes, and looked up. "I just don't get it. What is it that my masters and students were all able to grasp that I wasn't?"

"Minato had Kushina, and that one team of kids." Gamabunta replied, shrugging. "Hashirama had Mito, Naruto obviously has his friends. They all-"

"Think about what they have to protect, I know!" Jiraiya threw his hands up. "But how the hell is that supposed to make me still? I know who I have to protect, they're right there!" He pointed.

Up ahead of him, the battle continued in epic proportions. The eight headed serpent was a essentially a walking turret emplacement, constantly firing off attacks of all seven important nature transformations: Fire, water, wind, poison, earth, lightning, and snakes (as in, literally just shooting more snakes out). Nagato was showing all the physical power that the Deva path had when it tussled with the nine tails; engaged in an all out fistfight with Tsunade while using his ridiculous array of powers to fend off Orochimaru's assault.

Neither of Jiraya's teammates could have much chakra left, and neither were going to last long. "There's my motivation!" He shouted, "Fighting! Always fighting!"

"Always?" Gamabunta tilted his head.

"Always! Always on a battlefield, always in pain, always-" he sucked in an unsteady breath, "They're always suffering, and no matter what I try it just never stops."

"Oh, Kiddo..." Gamabunta cracked a smile. "Humans. Hit fifty and they think they know everything. You think when Naruto needs to gather sage mode he thinks of Hinata leaving the village? You think when Minato did it, he thought of Kushina tossing and turning at night with the Kyuubi trying to tear a hole out of her gut?" The giant toad leaned down. "Look. You think of your teammates and you think of Snakes off in some lab doing sick things to puppies and regretting his choices, you think of Slugs off in a gambling den trying to drink away her problems. And that-" He reached forwards with a large, scaly finger, and poked Jiraiya in the chest. "Is quitter's talk."

"It's all I've ever known." Jiraiya muttered, bitterly.

"Oh, fuck off with that! If you've never been happy when you were with them, you wouldn't even care!" Gamabunta's massive eyes stared into Jiraiya's. "Think about what you want to protect. Not just the people you want to keep alive, but how you want to keep them. When you kick this undead prick's ass, and everyone makes it out alive, what do you want?"

Jiraiya breathed out, and closed his eyes again. What do I want?

A memory came, unbidden. That one time he'd accidentally dropped in on Tsunade bathing (it had been an accident, he'd been there for someone else) and she'd hit him so hard he'd literally almost died. Orochimaru had thought it was the funniest thing in the whole damn world.

Or that other time, much earlier, when they'd caught Orochimaru with that creepy crawlies book he'd found in the trash one time. They'd taken the piss out of him at first, but then a few weeks later, on his birthday, they'd bought him that year's edition of it. He was a kid with no parents, he couldn't afford the things himself until his mission pay started kicking up, but the look on his face when he'd got it...

I want to go out for a drink with them. Jiraiya decided. Swap stories. Play pool. Cheat at pool. Break the pool table. Get kicked out of the bar and go cause mayhem across Konoha. Just...hang out. Finally stop worrying about all the fighting and the war and the nonsense, and just...

I want them to be happy.

So that was what he thought about.

And his body was still.

And the chakra trickled in.


Hinata felt nauseous as everything her Byakugan was telling her suddenly changed, and she was in pain as she was buffeted by a giant navy-blue wing, and then she crashed into stone with a thud that knocked the breath from her lungs.

"Lady Hinata!"

"My Lady, what's-"

Crash.

She sat up, rubbing her head, and stumbled to her feet. She was in...the angel mountains? Oh, no...

"Athena!" She shouted, stumbling to the edge of her planetoid and angrily trying to fix her broken leg. The great Owl had landed (though that might have been the wrong word) on a lower rock, and was clearly hurt. One wing was snapped at an odd angle, and there were black flames spreading across numerous areas of her plumage.

She ran the Amaterasu gauntlet, crashed into me, and desummoned us both here.

"Kesshotoketsu!" Hinata layered over the black flames with crystal, extinguishing them, then shouted "Athena! Are you alright?"

"I...will live. As will you. That is all that matters." Athena tried to find her feet, but fell again. Her face was pained, but her beak...Hinata had spent long enough with Kudos to know the approximation of a smile. "I would give an eye, a wing...anything to protect the Hyuuga. No; to protect you, Hinata."

"I'm always getting people hurt. Dammit, dammit." Hinata stomped one foot on the planetoid (causing a not insignificant crack) and turned around.

Stood behind her, Kudos and Forsooth were bickering very loudly.

"It is out of the question! Yoou are hurt-"

"I'm fine! You need to let me go!"

"Absoluutely not!" Forsooth looked across at Hinata. "My lady, I am so sorry, I-"

"What's wrong with Kudos?" She snapped. "Last time I was here you wouldn't let me see him, said he was still sick."

"I'm not-"

"He is." Forsooth overrode the younger Owl's objections. "My lady, it's that...thing that was put in him." He gestured.

Hinata frowned, moving closer to Kudos. He initially shied away, but eventually faced her, opening both eyes. The Mangekyo that was his left glinted an eerie red. "The mania is supposed to be over..." She mused, squinting at it. She could see the lesser genjutsu that was linked to it. "What does it do, exactly?"

"It...It makes me want to do things." Kudos whimpered. "And Grandma and Forsooth think it makes me crazy or is controlling me but it isn't, it's just-"

"Kudos." Hinata carefully stroked the top of his head with one hand. "What is it telling you to do?"

"To protect the Hidden Leaf Village." Kudos said softly. "And every time I hear you're in danger it spikes, and every time I learn you're fighting anyone else with a Mangekyo or a Gokei it gets so loud, and-"

"Protect the hidden Leaf Village." Hinata breathed. A grin spread across her face. "Neji, you're a genius."

"My lady." Forsooth hopped up behind her. "Please, I should return yoou to battle, Icarus is still out there and he must be in danger-"

"That won't be necessary." Hinata stood up again. "Kudos is taking me."

"He-What?"

"You know the reverse summoning hand seals right?" Hinata asked the smaller Owl.

"My lady, he isn't-"

"Forsooth, I love you, but for once in your life shut up." She gave him a flat stare, before offering a much gentler look to Kudos. "Well? Can you?"

"I can." Kudos nodded. "You...trust me?"

"I trust you with my life." Hinata nodded. "And I trust Neji with his own. Get over here, partner, we've got a job to do."

Kudos flexed his wings, causing a not insignificant gust of wind to skitter pebbles across the stone. "Right! Let's do this, Mistress!"

Below them, Athena's smile widened.


Sasuke was shitting himself.

Oh, look, Hinata's disappeared when everyone needs her again, is this just an automatic response for her now?

Panting, he took a defensive posture with Samehada, stood in front of Icarus, as Neji and Itachi both walked menacingly towards him.

"Why are you walking menacingly instead of running?" He asked, confused.

"We're trying to buy time for Hinata to come back." Neji explained. Then, "Oh, shit, Kabuto's noticed, perfect-"

The two started sprinting, Sasuke tensed, and then there was a bang, and a small burst of smoke appeared between them all.

It vanished a moment later, buffeted away by blue wings, as Hinata's voice called "Go for the edgy one with the dark hair!"

"That's both of them!" Said the owl (Kudos, right?) she'd just appeared on.

"Right, yeah! Red eye dude, he's got the sealing sword!"

Itachi threw his arms in the air and shouted "YES!" just as the owl went "Got it!" And Sasuke went "What?" and there was a very subtle flash of chakra.

There was a long pause.

And then Itachi said "Oh, thank fuck."

"I am currently very glad that I dealt with Danzo without using that." Hinata asked, getting down from Kudos, who suddenly looked very weak in the legs.

"But you just did it yourself, like a badass." Neji said, smiling wider than Sasuke'd ever seen him smile. " Hey 'Tach, does this override the mind control from the Edo Tensei?"

"Considering it's overwriting my long term memories and entire perception of my own existence? And I have no intention of trying to stop it?" Itachi grinned, and began to glow orange. "Let's see. Bro, Hinata, Icarus? Leave this last bit to me. We've wanted to go all out against each other for ages."

The eldest Hyuuga sibling fell back into stance, as the eldest Uchiha turned to face him, and started walking towards him.

"Oh? You're approaching me?" Neji asked.

"I can't beat the shit out of you without getting closer." Itachi replied.

"Oho! Then come as close as you like! Sasuke, Hinata, sit down, we're about to make your chunin exams look like playground games."

"Great Fireball!"

"Heavenly Spin!"

"Got any popcorn?" Hinata asked.

"Always." Sasuke grinned, reaching for it.


Tsunade screamed in pain.

Nagato's fist tightened around her throat for a moment, then he hurled her to the floor, floating slowly down towards her.

"Why, ngh, did you even ride the bird, if you can just fly?" Asked Orochimaru, panting. Seven of the eight serpent heads had been obliterated, leaving only the one containing his humanoid form.

Nagato responded by firing another barrage of missiles at him, causing him to hiss in anguish as the white snake burned and blistered red. "Right, got it, well explained, very concise..."

On the ground, Tsunade stood, but stumbled. She noticed dimly that her hair was greyer than it was blonde, and her skin wasn't looking so great. Shit. Thirty years I spend building up chakra in that jutsu and I've used almost all of it in one fight.

To be fair, she had had to regenerate from mortal wounds upwards of a dozen times.

"None of you ever meant me any harm." Nagato sighed. "Konoha might have been in the wrong during the Third Ninja War, but you were all only ever kind to me. I only wish that that was the lesson I had taken to heart." His Asura arm whirred and shifted, eventually taking the shape that nobody present would recognise as a 12 gauge shotgun.

"I think maybe we should have learned the lesson that 'cremation is good for not getting reanimated against our will'." Tsunade pointed out, staring the weapon down, weighing her options.

"Maybe." Nagato sighed. "I'm sorry."

She lunged. The weapon fired.

And then she gasped in shock, as Orochimaru's body fell back into her, leaking blood.

To one side, the eight headed serpent's body was disintegrating.

"You fucking idiot!" Tsunade hissed, falling backwards with him in her lap and channeling as much of her regenerating power as she could into him. "You slimy, gross, pale, uncomfortably naked, bleeding, idiot! Do you have any idea what my fucking track record is for healing people who do tragic shit like this? It's not good!"

"I'm sure I'll be fine." He smirked lazily up at her. "You're the most talented healer in the five shinobi nations. And besides, I'm immortal."

Tsunade looked up to Nagato, who ejected some cartridge from his arm, then pointed it back at them. "I'd say that was exceedingly pointless, if I wouldn't have done the exact same thing for Konan myself. Oh well. I'll try and aim for the head." He smiled. "The last thing we want is more Pain in the world."

"Was...was that a fucking-"

"HEY! NAGATO!" Called out a booming voice. "THEY SAY REDHEADS HAVE NO SOULS! LETS HAVE A SEE IF THAT'S TRUE!"

Nagato paused, sighed, and turned around.

"One liners." Orochimaru grinned.

"Jiraiya." Tsunade began to weakly laugh.

Standing atop Gamabunta, flanked by Manda and Katsuya, stood the Toad Sannin. His posture was straight, his arms were crossed, and though he was quite some distance away, Tsunade could make out some orange highlights around his eyes.

"Don't make me do it." Nagato began muttering to himself, walking dangerously forwards. "Don't make me do it, I'll kill you all if you make me do it..."

"Seismitoad! Water pulse! Gastrodon! Sludge bomb! Serviper! Poison fang!"

At Jiraiya's urging, the summons struck, launching out with elemental blasts and sharp teeth.

"You're gonna make me do it, aren't you? Shinra Tensei!" Nagato shouted, and the deluge of water and poison was hurled away from him, swamping the surrounding landscape and drenching Tsunade and Orochimaru.

Charging in immediately afterwards, with a sealing scroll clenched between his teeth, a very strange coloured Rasengan in his hand, and a smile on his face, was the Great Sage Jiraiya.

He batted aside one missile with a field of Frog Kata, shattered the Asura arm with a kick, blocked two punches and an attempt to yank out his soul, punched Nagato's face and swept his legs from underneath him. Jiraiya jumped up as Nagato fell, preparing to bring his attack down. "This is for my arm, punk! Rasengan!"

Nagato hit the floor. Sighed. And quietly said "Chibaku Tensei."

Jiraiya's expression changed very quickly, as he, Tsunade, and Orochimaru all began to fall up.


Edit: I forgot that I had already told Hinata what the Kotoamatsukami was supposed to be for, on Itachi's deathbed. Corrected some dialogue to reflect that. I've got almost 300 thousand words here, it's hard to keep track of them sometimes.

And yeah, Chibaku Tensei is still a thing Pain can do, because he has the most busted grab-bag of powers in existence. I hope I've made a decent case for how broken that dojutsu is.

Imagine being canon Sasuke, getting the Rinnegan, and literally only using it for Chibaku Tensei and a hands-free substitution jutsu. YOU CAN GROW A ROBOT ARM.

And hey, lets see if any of the reviewers can figure out a way for the Sannin to survive this!