The Last Secret (also big explosion lol)


Seriously, Tobirama? Seriously? This is what you and Mito have spent the last three months working on? Kami...

Ahem. I have made the unfortunate mistake of allowing my brother to spend time with my wife. An ordinary man might be worried she was cheating on me, but I had no such fears. One, because I know for a fact that I am better 'equipped' than Tobirama is, and two, because I need to be more worried about them learning to mantle death itself.

The Shinigami, Death God, or Reaper Release Mask is a mask that, when worn, allows the wielder to do exactly what I just said. Mantle the God of Death. What that means exactly is something I would love to tell you, except frankly I have no idea what it means and I don't think the people who made this thing do either.

The primary purpose appears to be that wearing it establishes a very direct and very visceral connection with the Reaper itself. This allows you to speak to it, but more importantly, anything that happens to you will, in some way, happen to it. I have no idea what beheading the Reaper would do, but it's possible that if you cut off your own arms, you could, oh I don't know, temporarily stop anyone from dying? Maybe? I reiterate, that clan full of maniacs either doesn't realise the implications of what they've built here, or they just don't care.

Fuckin' Uzumaki...

The only practical applications of this that they have realised so far are twofold.

One, someone wearing this mask can perform the Reaper Death Seal without needing to know the hand signs. Yay?

Two, by slicing open one's own stomach, one will in turn force the Reaper to slice open his own stomach, and in doing so will release all of the souls currently stored there. Now those souls will obviously go to the pure lands, so presumably the only reason you're doing this is because you don't feel great about someone getting eternal torment. That's a highly noble thing to do, except that slitting your own stomach open is basically guaranteed to kill you unless you're, well, me. But I'm sure as hell not trying it out. What, you think I want to talk to the God of Death? I'm just fine putting that conversation off as long as possible.

No, that mask is going in the Uzumaki vaults (apparently they have 26 other masks in there, Kami knows what those do) and all information on using it is going in the darkest hole I can find.

Besides, it's not like anyone important is ever going to end up in the Reaper's stomach, right?

-Official statement from the Hokage Senju Hashirama, on storing this information in the 'Don't fuck with these' scroll.


Sasuke had expected a plan.

I mean, this was Itachi 'plots within plots and neither of those are the real plots' Uchiha. This was the guy that had schemed on the level of Kage when he was 12, that had thread the needle to somehow keep him and Hinata alive in the face of mind-controlling psychopaths and god-like terrorists. Itachi always prepared a strategy, and sometimes he needed to hide that strategy until the last minute, and that was fine. Sasuke trusted him.

So, entering Kabuto's lair, Sasuke had expected there to be a plan.

He had not expected that plan to be "GROUP UP, AND HIT HIM 'TILL HE DIES!"

"WHAT?" Shouted Sasuke, as everything immediately went to hell, and Itachi was in his Susanno swinging like his life depended on it and Kabuto was being cut off in his attempts to do an evil speech and the cave was rumbling around them and Amaterasu was everywhere and Kabuto was apparently blind but that didn't stop him from attacking with the snake that was apparently also an umbilical cord what the fuck-

SASUKE! TIE HIM DOWN! Itachi genjutsu'd across, and Sasuke absolutely tried, pulling out the magatama beads from his Susanno and hurling them forwards like he'd seen Naruto do with his chains a few times.

He was able to wrap around Kabuto's midriff, briefly, but the snake-man (literally. Dude, put the robe back on, blegh) seemed to sag, as his form melted into liquid and seeped free of the beads. Sasuke was about to do the logical thing and set the liquid on fire, but a wall of stone (no hand seals?) appeared to block his line of sight. He smashed through it with the beads, charging forwards, just in time for Kabuto to reform in a very compromising position. Itachi, Yata mirror up, was right in his face.

This was what Sasuke expected to be the culmination of Itachi's plan. He eagerly awaited seeing what those techniques would do.

He wasn't expecting Itachi to just run Kabuto through with the Totsuka blade.

His Sharingan showed him in great detail as Kabuto, grimacing, made a single hand seal and shouted "Release!" a split second before the sword touched his stomach.

It passed through...and nothing happened.

"HAH!" Itachi shouted.

"Oh, FUCK YOU!" Kabuto shot back. "YOU SON OF A BITCH!"

"HA! I FUCKING GOT YOU!"

"I HATE YOU SO MUCH!"

"NAA NAA NE NAA NAA-"

"WHAT just HAPPENED?" Sasuke shouted, as Kabuto threw his arms in the air and stormed off in a hissy fit.

Itachi's Susanno fell away, and he began to glow a very bright, very worrying white. He grinned, eyes more alive than they ever had been before. "I won."


In Hinata's pocket, a certain sealing scroll began to glow. She looked down at it, then looked back up, as her Byakugan showed her similar things happening all across the battlefield. "Huh. Nice job." She smiled.


"Wow, that was a really meaningful and heartfelt conversation." Said Fugaku, as Shisui started to disappear.

"It was." Shisui nodded. "I especially liked the part where we both came to understanding and I forgave you for what you did, and you found closure about what happened."

"Yes, those were god bits." Fugaku nodded. "And the Susanno and Genjutsu fights were pretty cool."

"Oh, yeah. Shame it all happened offscreen."

"Eh. It can go in filler or something. Alright, peace."


Madara flashed white, and his Susanno disintegrated around him just as one fist was about to squish Onoki into the floor.

The Kage were in a particularly bad shape. Konan was burned in several places, A was clearly exhausted, and Haku's right arm was hanging limply by his side. The Naruto clone had popped long ago.

Madara began to float upwards, looking nothing more than mildly annoyed at the predicament.

"Is...is it over?" Haku gasped out. "Someone undid the reanimation. That means we win, right?"

Madara started laughing.

Everyone sagged. That was confirmation enough.

"Funny thing about the reanimation jutsu." Said the Uchiha. "If the summonee knows the hand seals to the jutsu (Edo Tensei-)" He made some seals with his hands, and suddenly the glowing stopped.

"-Then, if they're conscious when it's released, they can exploit this neat little trick by rewriting the contract with themselves. So now the only person keeping me here is me." He landed, looking, if anything, even more intimidating than he had when the battle started.

"I don't suppose you'd consider just...going back to the pure lands anyway?" Gaara offered. "They're pretty chill, actually. You and I would both know, one reanimee to another."

"That's an excellent offer." Madara acknowledged. "Here's a better one. Would you like to see what my perfect Susanno looks like?"

"...please don't fuck me too hard." Haku squeaked.


"What the hell was that?" Sasuke shouted, running up to his brother, who had started glowing white and floating in the air. "What about the genjutsu? You said you could use-"

"Sasuke." Itachi told him, slowly, smiling. "Put yourself in my shoes. You're a teenager, and your pre-teen brother goes 'Hey Itachi, what happens if you get in a fight you can't win? I had a nightmare about you dying!'. Or, 'Hey Itachi, what do you do if you get in a fight with someone who's a good person, but they're on the bad guy side? I don't want you to kill anyone who's nice!' What do you say to console him?"

Sasuke blinked, remembering. "You tell him you have a special genjutsu that affects reality and can bring you back from the dead. And you tell him you have a special genjutsu that traps someone in a loop of their mistakes until they realise that they're in the wrong..."

His eyes widened. "Oh, you son of a bitch. YOU MADE UP IZANAMI AND IZANAGI?"

"Yup!" Itachi grinned. "Not even remotely real. I mean, can you imagine what would happen if that was something Uchiha could just do? It'd be insane!"

"You asshole!" Sasuke screamed, trying to punch him. It went through his chest. "I believed you for YEARS!"

"It was hillarious, yeah." Itachi giggled like a schoolgirl. "And, with that, we are completely clean with regards to me keeping secrets from you. Oh, wait, no: It was actually me that set fire to that one family photo, then blamed it on your cousin. That's it, I think."

"So hold on, what was your plan going into this fight?" Sasuke demanded, feeling (not for the first time around Itachi) like his entire worldview had been torn apart.

"Murder the shit out of Kabuto." Itachi admitted.

"That was it?"

"Not at all, no, just step one. Step two was reliant on Kabuto being a TOTAL PUSSY!" Itachi shouted over.

"FUCK YOU!" Kabuto shouted, still sulking.

"I knew he wasn't here for any dramatic plan, didn't have any allies he cared about, goals he wanted to achieve. Means he wasn't going to give his life for the war." Itachi reasoned. "I looked up Edo Tensei after old man Hiruzen fell. I was banking that, with all the improvements Kabuto had made to the technique, he wouldn't have made it less complicated to individually desummon the zombies. Not something you really expect to need, huh? You can undo it in one hand seal, but you have to undo it for everyone." He had a very smug look on his face. "I just singlehandedly defeated every Edo-nin still on the battlefield. If I'm lucky, that includes Madara, the whole Akatsuki, and a bunch of Kage. Itachi is best ninja."

"Shut up." Sasuke snorted, trying and failing not to laugh.

"Itachi's stronger than all the Kage put together."

"Shut it!"

"If you go back to the house, there's a little chart that lists 'times Itachi has won versus times everyone else has won'. I'm already in the lead but you need to go put another few dozen ticks there."

"I can't stand you-"

"Itachi solo's the Naruto-Verse."

"Why is it Naruto's universe?"

"He's obviously the main character. He has the talk no jutsu. Actually, good point: Itachi solo's the Itachi-verse. This whole sequence of events is going to be called Itachi: Shippuden."

"Okay, so, what's the plan now?" Sasuke asked, trying to get back on track.

"Oh. Now you have to kill Kabuto yourself."

"Oh."

"Yeah." Itachi nodded. "Just kick his ass, go back and help your team kick Tobi's ass, GG. Since I am a benevolent hero, I will allow you to have some final battles without my help."

"You asshole." Sasuke shook his head, wiping a tear away.

"Ah, bap bap bap bap. Don't say anything else." Itachi held up a finger, as the lower half of his body disintegrated. "I want that to be the last thing I make a person say." He smiled. "Take care, Sasuke. And, uh, try not to massacre any clans or kidnap any children, okay?"

Sasuke kept silent, as instructed, and just nodded.

"Awesome. Do good, Sasuke. I'd say 'do better than I did', but, you know, you've already pulled that off. Love you bye! I'm gonna go fight death!"

There was a flash, and he vanished.

"...Better than he did, huh? Sasuke: Shippuden." Sasuke mused. "I dig it. Sibilant." He turned around, and focused on Kabuto, who had finally stopped sulking. "Alright, apparently we're doing this solo now. I'm aware we didn't really give you any chance to monologue before, and I'm sorry about that, so if you want to take the time now, feel free."

"Oh?" Kabuto glared, which was very impressive considering his eyes were apparently sewn shut. "Oh, is it my turn now? Damn you, you're just like him. Just like Orochimaru, just like Hinata. You live in your own special world where the only people that matter are the people with their incredible power and flamboyant personalities-"

Sasuke tuned him out. Got it. Insecurities, inferiority complex, daddy issues. Probably gay but that's probably not relevant here. Doesn't feel like he has a voice so is lashing out at the world to be noticed. These are first arc character problems, buddy.

Alright, how do I piss him off?

"Oh!" Sasuke shouted aloud, interrupting him. "I forgot!"

Kabuto's face scrunched up, curiosity warring with indifference, before he eventually came out with "...What?"

Sasuke used a combination shadow clones, transformations and mouth sounds to roughly recreate a confetti blizzard and a kazoo riff. "I just remembered something Hinata told me! It's your Birthday! Congratulations!"

Kabuto just stood there for a moment.

Then he screamed like a banshee and charged.


"Hinata, dear~" Orochimaru called over his shoulder.

"Coming!" She replied, after releasing the seals on Nagato and letting him float off into the air. Then she followed her old teacher across the rooftops.

Konoha was dark, and quiet. It often was, when it passed evening into night and the chatter in the bars died down. Usually, Hinata could see dozens of Shinobi making their own journeys across the village, using the 'ninja highway' of the house roofs to traverse it in relative silence. Of course, that was different now. With so many ninja off in the war, there was a skeleton crew manning the walls, and hardly anyone on the inside. It made it much easier for the duo to cross the city unnoticed.

"When my arms were first sealed, there were many possibilities to deal with the problem." Orochimaru called to her, dropping down to the floor and clunking two Jonin guards' heads into each other, knocking both unconscious. "The one I went with was the simplest in the short term: keep switching bodies. The effects on my chakra would be minimised, and it'd take years for the degradation to disable my arms between swaps. But it would always do so, eventually. It's a fraction of my chakra, my soul, that's missing."

"I can see." Hinata replied, following him deeper into the building. "It's easier with the Gokei. The chakra in your-uh, traps ahead-"

"I know, darling, I'm not an amateur." He started to disarm them.

"Right. The chakra in your arms was always...borrowed. The tenketsu there weren't generating their own chakra flow, it was just being pushed through them by the rest."

"And you never thought to mention this to me before?" He asked.

She shrugged. "I presumed you already knew, and it wouldn't do for me to start pointing out your weaknesses. I was planning to kill you. I couldn't let you know I was planning to kill you."

"Fair." Orochimaru walked on through the tunnels. "Now, the optimum solution to my problem was through a certain tool; an artifact of Fuuninjutsu called the Reaper Release Mask. Only problem; it lies in the Uzumaki vaults."

"Ah." Hinata realised where this was going.

"Exactly. Not only are they deep in Konoha, (and even for me, breaking into this place is no small feat, especially not with Tsunade on the watch for me) but the Uzumaki were the greatest sealers in ninja history. Who knows what kind of vicious traps they would have in store for would-be thieves and trespassers? Even with Uzumaki Karin in my employ, it would be an incredible risk. I told myself that if I ever became skilled enough at sealing to master the Flying Raijin, I would try it. And then, I, never did." He coughed. "But that doesn't matter now, because you're here!"

"If the Hiragekoma can release bijuu and overcome the Kotoamatsukami, it can probably get in." Hinata nodded in agreement. This was what Neji had done to get into her vault, after all.

The door they came to was...a door. Not imposing, like the giant stone ones before some vaults, or elegantly mysterious like the 'paper door' in front of the Hyuuga's. It was just a door. Wood. Brass handle. But she could already see the ink and carvings of dormant seals all throughout the door, and the walls, and the fact that she couldn't see inside the vault despite her dojutsu was telling enough.

She inhaled, walked up, put her hand on the doorknob and said "Hiragekoma."

Her world exploded, and her eyes widened because oh my lord this thing was big, and complicated, and it almost felt alive, and the moment it realised what she was doing (it realised what she was doing) it immediately isolated her point of contact and set about activating its defences and she tried to pull away but it stuck her hand to the damn handle as it started poking and prodding right back at her chakra-

She saw the moment it found Naruto. Meaning, it found residual traces of his chakra on her, from when they'd left the island to enter the war and Naruto had recharged her and Sasuke in preparation. That was insane enough, because sure, sufficiently advanced Hyuuga could see the subtle, lingering energy from points of contact with other ninja, but that was with the Byakugan, and this thing was nothing but a set of seals. But it noticed alright. Noticed that it hadn't been left on her from aggressive action, noticed where it had been left on her. Specifically, her hands and lips.

There was the brief yet distinct impression that the array laughed.

And then there was a click, and the door opened.

Hinata's vision returned to normal, and she stumbled back a step, looking at the door with serious concern as it swung slowly open.

"Is everything alright, my dear?" Orochimaru asked.

"Never ask me to do that again." She said, with a shiver, before cautiously walking inside.


Naruto was having the time of his fucking life.

"COME ON!" He shouted, grabbing Matatabi by the throat and socking Isobu in the jaw, "THAT ALL YOU GOT? HUH?"

"Could you maybe take less joy in beating us up? We are being forced to do this, you know!" Son Goku bellowed back, sounding upset. Naruto headbutted him. Three of the others charged him at once and he spun on the spot, his tails (nine of the bloody things) colliding into his attackers and shoving them backwards.

This...this was awesome. He was floating inside the avatar, over a hundred metres off the floor, and every movement of his arm was moving gigantic golden arms and legs and claws and power. He could feel his chakra, both inside and out; merged so perfectly with Kurama's that he didn't even need to worry about the excess Yang overwhelming him. This was what a Perfect Jinchurikki felt like. Or rather, this was what a perfect Kyuubi Jinchurikki felt like.

And it feels like I can do anything.

"Easy kit." Warned Kurama, voice coming from the Fox-head above him rather than inside his head. "Don't get too cocky."

He checked himself, shaking his head. "Right. Is the Yang chakra getting to me after all?"

"No, you're just drunk on power."

"Oh, okay, got it."

"Don't worry, happens to everyone. Just try and avoid overly dramatic or ballsy plays while you're getting used to it."

Before them, the six bijuu lined up, and began to slowly build up chakra in their mouths. Large purple orbs began to form.

Naruto looked at them, then back up at Kurama. "Okay I know you just said all that, but we're absolutely going to try and cancel out their attack with ours, right?"

"Oh, absolutely. Get excited Naruto, it's time for your first Bijuu bomb!"

The Bijuu bomb was one hell of an attack to try and prepare, especially for your first time without any training. Naruto had an advantage in that he knew the Rasengan was actually based off this attack, so some of the principles applied. Instead of carefully spinning the sphere, however, the principle of the bijuu bomb seemed to be cramming as much chakra as physically possible into a given space, and making it stay there with sheer force of will. Fortunately, that wasn't something Naruto was lacking. Following Kurama's lead, he helped to focus all the power into the smallest point he physically could, just in front of the avatar's mouth, and then continued to maintain that pressure as his Bijuu poured more and more power into it. The resulting sphere quickly grew to the size of a house, then the size of a warehouse, then...

How come this one's so much bigger than the ones you shot at me? He asked, telepathically, trying to maintain the shape of a sphere almost as tall as Konoha's cliffs.

B told you, the combining of the Shinobi and Bijuu chakra results in both becoming more powerful. I've shown you what I can do. But this is what we can do.

So Naruto took 'what we can do' and yeeted it across the battlefield.


Now, Naruto had seen a lot of big fucking explosions.

But the explosion that happened when Kurama's attack hit the six Bijuu's attacks definitely took the cake.

His viewpoint from the air well over a kilometre away left him uniquely positioned to remark on its beautiful spectacle; the initial bright flash, the blast of concussive force, and the wave of dust and uprooted trees that spread outwards. Overshadowing all of them was a column of fiery, plasmified air blooming upwards into the sky.

Ninja from the other side of the war turned to look. Hinata turned to look. Madara turned to look. A reanimated Deidara was literally stood there staring at it with tears running down his face and a raging hard-on while he disintegrated from the breaking Edo Tensei.

And then the great cosmic calculator did some maths, drawing a double line under the result of the conservation of momentum calculation. And the shape of the explosion buckled away from Kurama and towards his opponents.

"Oh, damn, he won." Muttered Tobi, before phasing out of existence just in time for the fire to sweep over him.

The six Bijuu withstood the aftermath with varying success. Heavier beasts such as Isobu and Son Goku remained grounded, sliding backwards, while the ones with a higher centre of gravity were bowled over onto their backs.

The only beast that remained unaffected was the one currently charging towards the rest of them.

Following the wave of fire was Kurama, bounding across the terrain with a roar. He grabbed onto the first beast he encountered, arms quickly finding the black rods sticking out of it at odd angles, and then found that he didn't have enough arms for his intended plan. And then Naruto thought: Hey, this whole thing is a chakra construct right? Why don't we just-

And another ten or so arms sprang out from the avatar's shoulders and back, latching onto the other Bijuu while they struggled to get back up.

Hey Kurama, you ever played a game called Operation?

No, I'm a giant Fox.

Yeah, me neither. Well, at least we don't have to worry about hitting the sides. Heave!

They heaved.

With another roar ("Do you really have to do those?" "I'm finally free-ish after centuries, leave me be!") the avatar yanked out all the rods from the Bijuu, flinging them backwards and away in a hail of very deadly spikes.

The bijuu gave a ragged cheer. They were free!

For about one second.

A giant statue just appeared right behind the beasts, the Gedo statue, and it opened its mouth and chains began to pour out, and Naruto was about to intercept but-

"Bansho Tenin." Said a voice, and Naruto felt himself being pulled backwards right as his Kyuubi senses let him know that Tobi was stood in the wasteland behind him.

He flew right out of the Fox avatar, and it disintegrated ("Dammit! I can't maintain it when we're not inside it yet!") and spun around. He may have been on the back foot, but he was prepared; this wasn't his first time dealing with the power. A few hand seals, and Tobi wasn't sucking in a Jinchurikki so much as a giant blue wave of Rasengan. His chakra and emotional signature abruptly vanished just before the attack plowed into him, and then reappeared right after they passed, leaving him unharmed. He reached out with a grab, and Naruto punched.

Both attacks phased through their targets.

Oh, thank the Sage, he can't be intangible and attack me at the same time. If he could he'd be a god. Of course, the fact that he can apparently just turn into a ghost is busted enough...Tobi backed up, swinging the fan, and Naruto jumped backwards out of immediate range, reassessing.

"That was your freebie." Tobi warned. "I know you know how to counter the Rinnegan abilities; I'm not wasting any more chakra on them."

"Gee, thanks, aren't you generous." Naruto's eyes narrowed, looking over Tobi's shoulder. Behind the man, the six bijuu were all pulled back into the gaping maw of the Gedo Statue. Where they had once been, he could see the vague forms of six perfectly ordinary corpses falling to the floor.

Three thoughts were running through his mind, as he prepared to continue the brawl.

The first was that Tobi had just used some very expensive techniques with only one Rinnegan, and seemed fine. This was probably due to the One and Eight Tails he still had in the statue, working as batteries for his jutsu. Very not good.

The second was that Naruto now knew Kurama's name, which was still a thing he was trying to get used to, and that meant that the golden chakra cloak was buffing his speed and strength even more than it already had. And yet, Tobi was still capable of fighting on par with him. What in the actual fuck is this guy?

The third thing...

"Huh. GG I guess." Naruto shrugged. "Tobi, I am now going to defeat you using the power of friendship."

"Please tell me that was a joke." The masked man deadpanned.

"Nope. Hey, speaking of, wanna hear a joke?" Naruto asked, smirking. "What's small, sneaky, and can't keep control of an Edo Tensei to save his life?"

"...Oh you've gotta be kidding me, Kabuto." Tobi's shoulders slumped.

That was when Kakashi and Gai came charging in.


Okay, look, imma be honest. Kishimoto. Why are Izanami and Izanagi a thing. Literally every scene where they feature is way better if they aren't there and the characters have to solve it some other way. Danzo was OP enough, Kotoamatsukami was fun enough. And shoutout to the Youtuber Swagkage for the idea of Itachi having to force Kabuto to undo the reanimation or die.

Of course, my main reason for doing it was so I could have Itachi say what he did. Lel.

And holy smokes, Batman, we've hit 300K words. I have way too much time on my hands.

(HE WAS LYING! HE HAD NO SPARE TIME, AND WAS ACTIVELY TAKING TIME OUT OF HIS STUDIES AND SOCIAL COMMITMENTS TO WRITE MORE!)

Gotta love Love Is War. Anyway, see you next week!