Dr. Shaw's secretary told them that they could enter the office. Kate got up first and Lucy followed. As expected, office was simple, but somehow warm. It was in pastel colors with pleasant art on the walls. They took a seat on the sofa across from the doctor and waited for her to say something. Dr. Shaw was woman in her late forties. She was tall with dark hair and very perceptive brown eyes. She was in a purple dress and black high heel shoes and her hair was down. She looked like someone you could trust, but also as someone who would not fall for your bullshit. They needed someone like that. Both of them were smart and manipulative and they needed someone who would put them in their place.

''My name is Dr. Andrea Shaw. I've been couples' therapist for about twenty years and I have worked with over 400 couples during my career. Many of them are still married and for some I helped find a natural way to uncouple and continue their lives as friends rather than spouses. I must warn you that success of this sessions is on you. I can't help you if you don't let me and I can't guarantee you that you will remain married. For some people it is best to go their separate ways and for some it is the best to fight tooth and nail for the relationship they want to have. I am saying all this before you introduce yourself and share with me why you choose to come, so we can be clear with what is my role. I have few rules for my clients.

Be on time. Respect my time and the time of your spouse. I know that sometimes some unexpected things happen, but please, call and tell if you would be late or you need to move the appointment.

No insults. You can't insult each other, or me. You can be angry and express how you feel, but I will not allow derogatory terms to be used. Exceptions are if you are repeating something someone else called you, but I will not let you call one another in any way that is humiliating or insulting.

Do your homework and don't cheat. Everything I ask from you is for a reason. Respect the steps and pace I ask you to do something with. Don't skip steps or alter things I ask of you. It's for your own good, not because I am bored or have something against two of you.

Don't ask me to choose sides and say who is right. I will not do it. To me, both of you are the same.

Don't keep the room quiet. Talk, even if it is about something you did at work. It will take time for three of us to find our beat, but I promise you that we will.

Don't say things because you think me or your spouse want to hear them. Be honest with yourself and with us in this room. We will not get far without it. You need to keep your communication open so we can make progress.

Be kind to yourself ant the other person in your relationship.

She looked at Lucy and Kate and noticed that Kate was dotting things in her notebook and Lucy was listening to her taking in everything she was saying.

''Now, it's your turn. Introduce yourself to me. Tell me things you think I have to know from the bet. But don't tell me why are you here. It's not time for that. I want to get to know you as individuals and then we will talk about you as a couple. So, tell me about who….''

Then she looked at her notebook and back at them.

''…Katherine and Lucy are without mentioning who the other person is.''

They exchanged looks and Whistler nodded. She spoke first. She started with her family. A thing or two about parents, siblings and how she was baby of the family. She spoke of how her father was absent for most of her childhood and where he was sent to war. Dr. Shaw was taking notes as Kate spoke and each time she mentioned Noah, Lucy was tempted to take her hand. When it came to talking about his death, Lucy took her hand and she didn't care what doctor had to say about it. In fact, she didn't say anything. She stopped Kate's story and looked at Lucy.

''Why did you take her hand?''

''Because talking about Noah and his death never became easier for her, no matter how many years have passed…and because I know how she feels.''

''You KNOW how she feels? How do you know how she feels?''

''Because I know her. Noah missed his deployment because of us. He was a bit late, so he went with the next group and as punishment for not arriving on time, he was sent to the mission that killed him.''

Lucy looked at Kate and then at doctor.

''She knows what really happened and who was to blame…but she never stopped blaming herself. She asked him for that extra few minutes that made him late. And almost thirteen years later, she is not able to forgive herself his death. Even now, when she knows names of the people who were involved in what happened, she blames it on…herself.''

Doctor noticed that Kate was not rejecting Lucy's hand and that she even made sure to lace their fingers even more. That spoke volumes to the doctor. Kate didn't say she disagrees with her wife. She didn't look as a type to blindly follow or accept what was told. She knew what was being said and implied in Lucy's little speech and she said nothing to correct her. That showed the doctor that two of them did know a thing or two about each other and that Kate found Lucy's touch comforting.

''Please continue….''

Kate spoke of going to college and hunger for different knowledge that never died in her. She called herself a nerd from time to time and that got doctor and Lucy to smile from time to time. She didn't speak of Lucy, but she said that going to college as married is different experience and that she felt safe knowing that her person was there. She spoke of her work, what she could say about her work and how sometimes she was forced to move from place to place and how her career peaked in DC and how hard she worked to get there. She also noticed that Kate never mentioned why she moved here, that pointed her to collusion that she came here for Lucy. She also noticed in Kate's talk about work that she took a position that is lower than what she had.

''You were demoted by coming to Hawaii. Was that your choice or did you deserve that demotion by something you did at work?''

''No, I was in for the promotion in DC, pretty nice promotion, but I choose to come here.''

''Why? You don't look like someone who shies from ambition and getting reworded for the good work you do. Why did you say no to it?''

Lucy waited for the answer and wondered how would Kate explain without mentioning her.

''Hawaii had what I believe I needed more than promotion in DC.''

''And what is that?''

Kate wanted to say Lucy, but she remembered the restriction doctor put on them. So, she had to say something that would represent Lucy and show Lucy that she was serious in making this work.

''Home…''

Doctor took notes and Lucy was surprised that Kate choose that word to describe her. She wanted to hear something along the lines of person I love, or my love or something like that, but home hit her hard in the gut in the way she didn't expect. She realized that answers she had on her mind were maybe a bit childish… that word home had more love in it than any of the things she hoped to hear from Whistler. Home was all of it summed in one word, love, safety and place where you belong and it was Kate's person also... and she was all that to her wife.

''Lucy, your turn.''

When she started speaking, she realized how hard it is to talk about yourself and then how hard it is to talk about her life without mentioning Kate. This made them realize how their lives were intertwined and how hard it was to find a story where one of them was not involved. Since they were fifteen years old, all the big moments took place when the other woman was there. All the big firsts happened during the relationship and marriage they had. They both laughed at some of the stories Lucy told about her childhood or mischiefs she had in class or some of her jobs and trainings. Doctor noticed how Kate was not surprised by any of them and that pointed her to the conclusion that the couple did know how to share with one another. They were in a nice bubble laughing when she bursted it.

''So, what went wrong?''

She watched their hands. They didn't let go, but somehow the way they held each other became stiff, like they were kids waiting for parent to scold him. That is how they looked. They were waiting for the other person to trash them. Kate spoke first.

''I am not sure when it went wrong and what really happened. But what I can say is that it went wrong when we moved from Boston to DC. Lucy and I both got good jobs, we lived in a nice neighborhood, we could afford very comfortable life. We never had to worry about money or anything. Every morning we would get up, get ready and go to our jobs. I was finally getting to where I wanted to be and step by step I was closer to that what I made my goal. On the other hand, Lucy was fading. That spark she always had was fading and I think I deliberately choose not to see it because if I acknowledged it earlier, I would have abandoned my mission and followed her where she wanted to go. So, instead of talking to her about why shew as not happy, I kept fighting with her because I blamed her for wanting to stir me away from what was important to me…''

Kate looked at her wife. Now they both had some tears in their eyes.

''And when she left, I grew to hate her because she didn't understand how important it was to me to finish what I've started.''

''Why was your work more important than your marriage?''

''It was not about work / marriage conflict. It was truth about Noah's death/ marriage conflict. I was so close to learning what happened that I couldn't let go of it and follow Lucy here and I couldn't tell her what I was doing because I am DIA officer. Secrets are my job. I have to keep things quiet, even if they may cost me my marriage and potential family. ''

Doctor noticed that Lucy was upset, but not surprised by her wife mentioning the brother. That pointed her to the conclusion that Lucy knew it was about Noah.

''So, when did you learn Kate's obsession with the job is actually solving what happened to her brother?''

'' Just a few days ago… She came to Hawaii few months ago, but we spoke about some things just few nights ago.''

''Why?''

''Because I was avoiding it.''

''You work together now…''

They nodded.

'' How is the dynamic at work? What does your team say about working with a couple, where you get into conflict of interest very often? You, being the agent and your wife DIA officer on the case?''

''We didn't say we were married. There is handful of people who know. My boss and her boss. And when I came here, I got for Lucy and I the confidentiality contract to sign. I made sure to protect us in every way I could.''

''So, you don't talk about your issues for moths and just live together? Those contracts are for couples that are not separated, or am I wrong?''

Kate spoke first.

''Contracts are for married people to protect them. It doesn't say explicitly that we have to live together, but it is somehow implied. And at the time we barely spoke for two years, let alone lived together. Lucy just moved in few days ago…and that was because of hazard in her building.''

''So, two years away from each other… Kate, you were in your old work, so I assume no one really paid that much attention to you. I have a feeling that you know how to mantein distance and apearences. But what about you Lucy… How did your team react to you being married and never getting to know the wife?''

''They don't know… Well, they just learned…''

''I am sorry, but I notice both of your rings…That is too flashy to hide.''

Doctor knew the answer, but wanted Lucy to say it.

''As soon as I boarded the plane to Hawaii, I took them off. They were around my neck on a necklace utnill I got the safe in my apartment. I needed one to lock my gun after work, so I put my rings there.''

''When did you put them back?''

''When the flood happened. I had to leave my apartment and I didn't want them somewhere in my backpack…and I just forgot to take them off.''

''Do you want them off?''

''Maybe just the emerald… It's not easy to shoot with it…the band is ok…''

''How do you feel having them on your hand?''

''I don't know… It feels weird. They were on my finger for so long, at least the band was. Emerald is not very practical for many of the activities in my life so I used that ring in special occasions. But then I took them off and for a moment it was hard and weird but I had to do it. She was not with me, she choose her job, again so I felt like I had no reason to use my rings anymore… I had no wife so, no need for rings.''

''And you?''

''I never took mine off… Maybe for a moment at home when I use some of the products or for a short time when I do some things where it's not smart to have big diamond on your hand. Unlike Lucy, I always had a wife, even when I was angry or feeling like she betrayed me, I always had a wife and I found it disrespectful to our history to take them off.

''Do you feel disrespected by Lucy because she removed her rings?''

''No, she uses her gun often, her engagement rings could get stuck in the frame of the trigger and get her killed. Many people in the NCIS or law enforcement don't use rings… I knew what job she took and I just wanted her alive, ring or no ring…''

''So, two years apart… No contact… Did you date other people?''

''Yes…''

''No, never.''

Doctor took notes.

''Why no Kate?''

''Because I was married. I had that very clear in my mind. Maybe we were not together and in a bad situation, but I couldn't date until our marriage was resolved. I didn't have that closure that would allow me to say I am back on the market… Actually, I never was on the market… I was snatched pre-sale…''

That got Lucy to smile.

''I found some women attractive, I was maybe interested in some of them, but then I would look at my ring finger and remind myself that there is someone I promised my love and devotion until the day I die. I took a vow, made a promise…and I was not the one to break it.''

''Do you feel that Kate broke her promises?''

Lucy had to think about this.

''Yes, and no… There is something about her and her painful need to follow the rules. I think that she broke the rules just few times in her life and each time I was involved in some way. She is military brat, that means that her code of honor is so deep and I am sure she would have stayed fateful to the idea of being married until the day she dies or chooses to file for divorce.''

''Interesting… Why none of you ever filed? Two years apart and never one of you filed.''

''I was sure Kate would do it.''

''I couldn't file for divorce. In my family divorce doesn't happen. That is a broken vow and promise. Divorce means we failed.''

''Is your fear of failing bigger than need to be happy? You were not happy in the end… So, why did both of you stay in this marriage when none of you had that return information that both of you are still in? One of you left, and the other never followed… Why did you stay?''

Lucy was first to speak this time.

''Filing for divorce means it's really over and I was not ready for it. I was not ready to let go…I still had hope she would come.''

''And I waited for her to come back.''

''So, you finally choose to go to Lucy… How did it feel seeing each other again?''

''Hard… It was at work. We got a new case that was messy by itself… A lot of people were involved from the start, plus we had been appointed a new person from DIA and there she was. Out of all the gin joints, Katherine Whistler walked into mine…''

''When my boss gave me the files of the team I would be working with, I felt sick to my stomach. In unreduced version of her file was my name and everything about me. I think it was some sort of a warning to me that my boss and his bosses know I have a wife there and if there is a leak, it must be us. It was a warning to be careful how and what I share. I would never share unauthorized anything. My brother died because of intelligence leak and I respect the job and people I work with and for.''

Lucy had no idea about that. So, all of the bosses in Kate's building knew of them. This was some test for Kate.

''But in my file your name is not mentioned.''

'' In files we can share with others says you are married to the government employee. No name, no gender of the person, nothing…''

''You mentioned you have dated Lucy. Can you talk about that?''

She didn't want to… Kate didn't want her to…''

''Hm… There were few women…''

''You were in a relationship with them?''

''No, not really. Some ended at having a dinner to two and some ended in bootiecall.''

''So, you had sex with other woman?''

''Yes…''

And that was the moment Kate let go of her wife's hand.

''Kate?''

''I know all this… but it still…''

''Hurts?''

''Yes… I know that in those years were not together, but it's still not easy to know someone else was with her.''

''Do you feel like she cheated on you?''

''No, I don't…''

''And how do you feel?''

''Like it's my fault…''

''How can it be your fault? She is a grown woman having consensual sex with other grown women.''

''If I followed she wouldn't have done it.''

''Maybe she would have? Maybe you would have? We don't know what would have happened.''

There was a moment of uncomfortable silence.

''Back to you Lucy… Why none of it became relationship? Kate said she was interested in other women, but never crossed the limit of having something with them. You did cross it, so why not peruse some of them?''

''It didn't feel right.''

''In what way?''

''Every way possible… Don't get me wrong. Some of them were very nice, pretty and some other woman would be blessed to have them. But at the end of the day, none of them were Kate… Regardless of our issues, she did set the bar high… She may appear to others like cold and calculated, but that is part of her job. She has to keep her head cool and make very hard choices. Even people here at work call her Elsa because she is not cold, but frozen in their eyes and they are wrong. Whistler is maybe like that at work, but because she has to be…even when she gets on my nerves, when I cool down, I realize that she made the right call. But Kate, Kate is one of the best people I know. And I wouldn't be where I am now if it weren't for her. Because of the woman she is, I made smart choices and avoided some things that happened in my family. Kate made me better person than I was. I grew up with her and by her side, as she did with me.''

She turned to Kate now. She saw her wife was hurt by the confession that there was sex with other women.

''Kate… I am sorry you are hurt. I didn't do it to hurt you or for revenge. I did it because I was pretty sure you didn't care and I was so lonely… You and I both know I couldn't call… And same goes for you… You called after two years when you already took the job… I would have wanted to strangle all the women you were with, starting with you…. if the situation was opposite.''

Doctor took notes and watched the couple sitting across from her.

''Let's talk intimacy… Your intimacy…''

Kate blushed and spoke…

''There was none… She just moved back and before that she barely spoke to me.''

''I disagree Kate… There was some in this very session. Your wife held your hand when you needed it. It is also intimacy. Sex is not the only way to be intimate. There are so many levels. Touches, shared glances instead of words…that is also intimacy… I am aware that in your situation things go two ways… Couples jump into sex trying to make up for the separation, or take some time to get to the sex part. Personally, I am more for the second option because taking sex out of equation, gives you opportunity to show your partner your love and devotion in different ways, and when you reach the sex moment, it means more. It is about two of you and only two of you.''

Lucy and Kate were a bit confused about what doctor was trying to say. Dr. Shaw noticed how they looked at each other and at her. She knew she had to explain what was on her mind.

''You have chemistry and there is an attraction between you two. I am sure that sex would be amazing if you did it tonight…But it would be just that…Sex, satisfying that itch you both have for each other, trying to relive some old good times and for Kate competing with the women you've been after her. Maybe even for you Lucy trying to prove you are better than any other woman Kate found attractive during your relationship and marriage and in those two years you were apart. Maybe before you knew who caught her attention and you could assess the competition, but now you have no idea who they were and how do they look. If they are prettier than you, different body type, younger, older... Kate could lie about them. Maybe it was someone from your friend circle in DC and she doesn't want to tell you… So many things could be on your mind so you would also be competing with her crushes for the spot you believe is yours. You both want to be one and only on the mind of your spouse and I get it. Many couples feel that way.''

''What does that have to do with me and Kate having sex?''

''If you do it tonight or in next two days, you would be doing it to prove a point, not to be close to one another. Let's say Kate is in the bar waiting for you and I am not your doctor. I see her, I find her attractive. I might not care that she has a ring. These days many people stray… So, I come and start flirting with her. We exchange few sentences and I assess what is the strategy to continue. She would feel uncomfortable with me approaching her, but also flattered. She is married, she knows it, but it feels nice to be wanted. Especially when your wife pays no attention to you and treats you as coworker. She would even maybe accept the drink but would not cross the line, even if she finds me interesting. She would maybe wonder what it would be like if she dared, but she would never do it. I would have to be flirty, but not pushy. I would have to offer educated compliments and accept that she is not very comfortable but in need for them.''

''And how would you know that is what she needs?''

'' From the way she is dressed and she speaks, it's clear that she comes from money and she is comfortable with it. She comes from old money and that is clear from her attitude. Everything on her is expensive. Clothes, shoes, jewelry. My guess is that each thing is some famous label, but her labels are on the inside. If she takes off her jacket I will see the name of the designer or if I check the pluck on the purse I will see that it is also some designer purse… I would know she is not after my money, that I actually do have and she would see the same thing on me. As she did when you entered the room. I am pretty sure we like the same labels and have same attention to details, so there is one more thing we could bond over. So, back to my flirting with your Mrs. You would arrive and find us in the conversation. First thing you would do is call her some pet name and kiss her in a way that is inappropriate for public. You would mark your territory and in the evening you would not have sex with her, but with the idea that some other person could have taken her to bed. That sex would be about everything but about your connection and desire for what is the essence of the person you fell for. So, my advice is to wait.''

Lucy knew that doctor is right. They were actually very surprised how accurate doctor's description of the situation was. Lucy was jealous of how puppy was looking at Kate at work, let alone someone who actually flirted with her or really wanted her. She was sure that would not end well if she ever knew someone touched Kate.

''You moved back. Is that correct?''

''Yes, I moved in into the house my parents got for us as a gift.''

''And how was that?''

''We didn't spend much time together. I moved in on Friday and on Sunday she went for a trip to DC. She came back this morning.''

''Ok… And how was the first night. Did you share the bed?''

''Yes, we slept in the same bed. Kate already slept in the master, so…''

''And how was it for you Kate?''

''Before she came or when she did?''

''Both…''

''After I arrived, I was so tired that I didn't think much about the bed or even being in the house that was ours. I had so much to do that I didn't let my mind go there. But in the evening, when I went to bed, if felt so weird. I got used to sleeping alone in the DC, but in that room in Hawaii we had only good memories. Our DC bedroom witnessed a lot of bad and good taking place and this room here felt somehow pure compared to the DC. Here we had only good moments. We were happy in that room. Always slept together in that huge bed and sleeping there alone was hard. Especially since the ladies my mother in law hired, unpacked Lucy's packed clothes and put them in her side of the closet. So, every night for three months I went to bed and started my day with her things in the background.''

''You never removed them after you moved in?''

''No. Somehow, they were comforting. I always felt like I have small part of her with me at home.''

''And when she actually came home?''

''It was awkward. It was like we were sharing a bed for the first time in our lives. I believed she would fall from the bed how far from me she was trying to be.''

''And why is that Lucy?''

''I wanted to respect her space.''

''That argument would be valid if you were forced to share with a person you've just met. We are talking about your wife. Sharing a bed with a woman you married.''

''I did want to sleep close to her. I missed her and just knowing she was in that bed with me made me nervous like the first time she spent the night. I wanted to hold her and sleep next to her, but… It has been so long that I just didn't want to give myself reason to hope for something that would never be.''

Kate was surprised by what she heard.

''What did you think would not be?''

''Us… Us back together. I was not sure she wants to really fix our marriage. I still hold a lot of grudge because she didn't follow me when I left. For months I hoped she would show up. I barely went out waiting for her to show up at my door. It would take her three clicks of the mouse to find me if she wanted to…and that made me angry…She never tried to find me and after two years she called. I didn't answer because I believed she would want to file for divorce.''

For two people who don't share, she and Kate shared a lot that day.

''I ended up in our house because I had nowhere else to go. None of the people I work with couldn't take me in and Kate offered. I knew that was a very dangerous situation because we could easily slip into what you mentioned before. Looking from this distance, I feel like we never really dealt with our issues, but we relayed too much on the love we had and sex that was amazing. So, I was back in our house having to make a big choice. Sleeping in any other room felt wrong and sleeping with her felt terrifying. She went to bed first and I remained downstairs for a moment longer. Then I finally got the courage to climb those stairs. I stood at the bedroom door and just watched her read. She was in her black silk pajamas and in the big white bed, that black is an interesting contrast. She always has such a serious face when she reads, no matter what it is. I was just soaking up her presence. I missed small things that I lived that evening. Things like making dinner, chatting by the pool, getting tipsy together and teasing each other about million small things. I missed our banters and how soft she can be. After getting into that bed, I missed having her close, having her in my arms. Usually, when she reads something in bed, she was with the pillow in my lap and I was playing with her hair. Or we would just cuddle in a bed. We never had a side of the bed. Usually, it was middle of it and wrapped up in each other…Even when it is warm, we had to feel each other. And then it was like a cold shower. She was in bed with me, but so far…Like a stranger.''

''But is she a stranger?''

''Sometimes she feels like one, and then I see glimpses of the person she was.''

''Kate?''

''I felt anxious when she was in bed. I missed her so much and I was hurt to see her turn her back to me in bed. But waking up together was nice and painful at the same time. For a moment it felt like before all this. It felt nice and like I was finally home. My Lucy was there with her arms around me nuzzled to my neck. But then we got out of bed and things were awkward. It hurt me that she treated me like we did something wrong.''

''Would you be more comfortable not sharing a bed?''

Silence…