And here we are, in the fic's final act. Warning ahead of time: I'm fully aware that a lot of people find Naruto's actual finale to be a bit...lacklustre, when it comes to every problem being solved by asspulls. I hope that what I have planned is at least somewhat of an improvement, but given that I'm literally only just giving Black Zetsu dialogue now, you can probably tell that there's only so much I can do.

I kinda wish, if anything, I'd put in more setup along the way. But un-bloating the pacing was one of my main goals going into this, so I'm not messing that up, and by this point I'm pretty late in the game. Well, fuck it. Worst case scenario, I just keep adding penis jokes. Hope you enjoy!


Act IX: Cataclysm


Standing Around and Talking


"NARUTO!" Hinata screeched, turning to the battlefield eyes wide as-

"Oh, no, wait, nevermind, he's fine." She coughed, and straightened her clothing. "Whew, that was worrying. Sorry, continue."


Over a Century ago

Black Zetsu, nothing but a shadowy figure on the wall of the cave, watched in amusement as Madara Uchiha pointed a sword at him. It's been like twenty minutes. How long does he plan to hold that thing out like that? It's not like physical weapons can kill me.

"How do I know you aren't lying to me?" Madara demanded.

"I cannot lie." Zetsu lied. "I am but a manifestation of the Gedo Mazo's will. I desire only to serve it's master."

"Which is...me?" Madara asked.

"Not yet." Zetsu replied, smirk ever-present in his voice if not on his face. "I take it you have read the tablet, deep within the Uchiha grounds? It was written by the Sage of Six Paths himself."

He neglected to mention the part where he had scribbled fake stuff all over said tablet.

"The true master of the Ten-Tails is he who wields the Rinnegan." Madara quoted. "But there is no Ten-Tails, and I have never heard of the Rinnegan."

"I can describe it's powers to you, if you would like." Zetsu told him, offhandedly. "They are varied and powerful, and I didn't see the need to write them down. In essence, the Ten-Tails is the true Bijuu. It was split into the nine tailed beasts by Hagoromo, to be one day united by someone worthy of them. Someone like you."

Slowly, Madara lowered his sword. "...But if you add up one through nine tails you get-"

"Forty-five, yes, I know. It's exponential." Zetsu rolled his eyes.

"That seems highly unintuitive-"

"You're in a cave on the moon, talking to a shadow spirit, while two factions of white-haired maniacs wage a war with a giant glowing eyeball above you, and you're getting hung up on high-school algebra?"

An explosion from high above punctuated his point, and Madara huffed. "Fair enough."

"Look." Zetsu tried. "You have an opportunity here that none before you have ever even come close to." Or rather, many generations had, and Zetsu had just kept fucking it up. He neglected to mention that part.

"If I do this," Madara asked, "I can save the world?"

"When you activate the Infinite Tsukiyomi..." Zetsu smirked. "Nobody will ever have to suffer again."

Madara looked down. With a flourish, he sheathed his sword. "Very well. How do I obtain the Rinnegan?"

Yesss...finally. "It will not be easy." Zetsu told him. "Your friend and rival, Hashirama Senju. He is both the key to your victory, and the greatest obstacle in your way.

You will have to take him inside you, without allowing him to do the same."

"...Oh, no problem then." Madara shrugged. "He always lets me take charge in the bedroom."

Zetsu blinked, and re-evaluated his understanding of modern language. "Um." He said. "I...think there may be a small misunderstanding here."


Present day

Shards of reinforced ceramic fell through the air, as did the man who had just been wearing them.

Tobi crashed through three of his own summoned trees before finally falling on his ass on a large stone outcropping, one of many in the wasteland created by the Bijuu-Bomb collision barely a minute prior.

He looked up, and sighed. "Well, shit. Now we have to do everything the hard way."

Naruto gave him a once over. Funny scars on one side of his face, short black hair...yeah that was it. Other than the Rinnegan and Sharingan (which everyone already knew about), he didn't look all that special.

"Well." Naruto shrugged. "Glad that revelation didn't turn up anything important-"

"Obito?" Gasped Kakashi, from his left.

"Oh, son of a bitch..."

"Yeah, fucking congrats, Kakashi." Said someone who's name was Obito (apparently) as he stood up and stretched. "Really fucking astute of you. 'Hey, I wonder who this guy is that Hinata says is scarred on one half of his body! And has the twin Sharingan of the one I have! The one I got from Obito Uchiha! What a coincidence! Guess we'll never know!' This is one of the smartest ninja in Konoha, guys."

Kakashi looked genuinely shaken. "You...but you're supposed to be-"

"Dead, yeah, like ninja don't fake-die every other Tuesday." Obito pinched the bridge of his nose. "My alias was Tobi, Kakashi. Tobi. Literally I just took the back of my name and put it in front. Hell, if you'd asked Hinata to genjutsu across to you when she saw my face with the Byakugan, you would have known then. But you didn't think of that either. But hey, I suppose I shouldn't be too surprised. After all..." his eyes narrowed. "You certainly weren't smart enough to keep Rin alive."

Kakashi looked away. Naruto had to shake his head and check he wasn't under a genjutsu: Hatake Kakashi, Captain Unflappable himself, had just flinched away from an insult.

"Kakashi?" Asked Gai, putting a hand on his friend's shoulder. "Mind giving us an update?"

"Right. Yeah." Kakashi seemed to snap out of it, taking a breath. "Back in the third ninja war, I was on a Genin team with Obito and a girl called Rin. Course, even though we were all twelve I was an ANBU Jonin and they were ordinary Genin; I was only on the team with them because the Uchiha wanted a guard on their kid. That war being what it was, things went bad. We were under attack, Obito got half his body crushed by falling rock. Doomed, we both knew it. He gave me his Sharingan, I ran off after Rin, and...and I got Rin killed." He looked up and pointed. "None of which explains how the fuck you went from dying under a boulder to chilling with a Rinnegan and Wood Release!"

"I'm Obito Uchiha. Fuck you, I can do whatever I want." Obito replied.

"Oh. Fair." Kakashi allowed. "Okay, better question. Why the fuck are you on the evil side?"

"Because I'm the worst." Obito replied. When that got a bunch of confused looks, he smirked. "What, you think I'm gonna tell you the reasons behind my tragic fall to the dark side? If I do that, it'll make it easier for you to Talk No Jutsu me, and that's the last thing I need right now."

"Oh, fuck, this guy's good." Naruto muttered under his breath.

"Now then, I have to begin the birthing process of a literal cataclysm." Obito cracked his knuckles. "So if you'll all excuse me..."

Naruto held up a hand. "Hey, question?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm not going to insult you by implying you actually expect us to do that," he asked, "so can you just get on with it and bring out the thing you want us to fight in the meantime?"

Obito smiled. "See, now you're starting to get it! Well done! Guruguru get the fuck out here."

He snapped his fingers, and a hole in space ripped open (oh, wow, that's a really good way to sneak things past my senses, Naruto thought) and out was discharged another Zetsu with a swirly face thing that mimicked Tobi's earlier mask (though perhaps it was the other way around).

Naruto immediately noticed that it wasn't just a zombie, however.

"Oh, no." He gulped. "Guys? Yamato's in there."

"Wait, really?" Tsunade winced. "Wow, that man has just had the worst life. Like the child experiments, and then the brainwashing, and then the kidnapping, and now he's possessed by a walking piece of Play-Dough?"

"Yep!" Obito grinned. "I borrowed him when Kabuto said he was done." He patted the Zetsu on the shoulder. It stood there, unmoving. "I imagine by now you've realised that Wood Release isn't actually just the combination nature of Water and Earth. That, in fact, is mud, and is way less cool. Wood release is the manipulation of life itself. And when you start combining that with the other Six-Paths stuff, you get some real fun results."

"Oh, now you're telling us your plan?" Jiraiya asked, skeptically.

"Evil overlord rule 47: If you really want to, it's alright to explain your evil plan after the fact." Obito wagged a finger. "We've already used Yamato's wood release to help build a massive Zetsu army from the Outer Path statue, and we've already turned him into a monster, so it's fine to monologue now." He smirked. "Especially since it only benefits me to play for time. Guruguru? Sicc 'em."

'Guruguru' put his hands together, and said in a crackling, broken voice: "Thousand Armed Buddha."

There was a rumbling from underneath them.

"When it's not Sharingan, it's Wood Release." Naruto groaned. "Everybody move!"

They scattered, as a giant wooden statue tore up from the ground.


Hiruzen and Minato exchanged glances. Two of the most feared and respected ninja in history were being put on the spot by a teenage girl, and neither of them looked very comfortable about it.

"You first." Hinata addressed the blond. Naruto's father, master of the Flying Raijin, arguably the strongest Hokage. (Though, between Hashirama's sheer godlike power, Tobirama's revolutionary battle strategy and arsenal of forbidden technique innovations, Hiruzen's encyclopaedic knowledge of just about every jutsu in existence, and Minato's sealing jutsu and breathtaking speed, there was an argument for all of them being the strongest Hokage.) "What happened the night the Kyuubi attacked? When Naruto was born? Why weren't you there for him?"

Minato sighed. "Well, the first thing you have to understand is that my relationship with Kushina was kept secret. And I don't just mean 'psst, Asuma and Kurenai have been dating on and off since they were teenagers' secret, I mean actual S-rank Black-Ops secret. The only people who knew were Jiraiya (the godfather), Hiruzen (we couldn't have hid it from him if we'd tried), my three personal guard for security reasons, and...well, I suppose my genin team might have had an inkling, so Kakashi as well. But that was it, and these were people that knew how to keep quiet. In public me and Kushina both acted frosty towards one another, as if there was some unspoken grudge between us. I pretended I was maybe-maybe-not having a fling with Mikoto Uchiha (Fugaku was furious) and Kushina pretended she was pining after Morino Ibuki, who everyone knows is a eunuch."

"Ibuki's a-" Hinata crushed that train of thought before it could dare to provide her with images. "So, what was the point? Why hide it? It's not like you can't both look after yourselves."

"Because of the Kyuubi." Minato replied. "The Uzumaki did the best damn job they could on the seal, when they first transferred it into her, and her inheritance of the Adamantine chakra certainly helped. But there was a weakness. Naruto." He looked down, fists clenching. "It's a common belief that Kunoichi make better demon hosts. I don't know whether that's scientific fact, superstition, or some lingering sexism at work, but there is one glaring downside to using a woman to seal a Bijuu: During childbirth, the seal weakens. Someone with aspirations of stealing it could set it free with as little as a kick to the ribs. We were doing everything we could to hide the pregnancy, I even sent her off on a 'secret mission' before she started to show. It wasn't enough. Someone found out."

"Someone in an orange mask." Hinata muttered to herself, recalling what Naruto had told her.

Minato nodded. "Broke through every seal and ward we placed around her, released the Nine-tails and controlled it with his Sharingan. I fought him, and if I had any technique other than flying Raijin, he would have killed me. Put a Rasengan into his back and he just shrugged it off. Never seen anything like it. I thought he had to be Madara."

"You're close." Hinata told him. Her Byakugan had been monitoring the battlefield the entire time. Reading lips at that distance was a pain, but "You were the sensei of Kakashi's team, correct? That includes Obito Uchiha."

"Well yes, but-" Minato frowned. "Obito? Really? He was good, but not by Uchiha standards, certainly not by mine. And a genin. And I assumed he was dead."

"Fucking Uchiha..." Tobirama muttered, from one side. "Always the fucking Uchiha..."

"I assumed Neji Hyuuga was evil. We learn." She shrugged. "So did he kill you?"

"No, he ran." Minato replied. "Issue is, while I was busy with him, the Kyuubi was going ham on my village. On his way out, Obito (if that's who it was) sent the Fox after Kushina." He shook his head, smiling sadly. "That woman...dying without her Bijuu, fresh out of childbirth, she was still able to protect Naruto. Restrained the Nine-tails with the chakra chains for a critical few seconds."

"I've always held the Uzumaki in the highest esteem." Hashirama asserted, respectfully. "Love those guys. Your wife sounds like she was an exemplary Kunoichi, Hokage-sama."

"High praise coming from you, sir. Thank you." Minato nodded his head to his forebear. His eyes narrowed. "I was left with a split second decision to make. I had some fuuninjutsu that could temporarily restrain the Kyuubi, but nothing can hold Bijuu indefinitely except the Jinchurikki sealing, and I couldn't do that alone. Even if I could, who would be the host? Trying to hold it in someone unprepared can be disastrous (we all know what happened to the Hidden Cave village), and Kushina was the last Uzumaki in Konoha.

Or, at least, she had been."

"Of course. You had a perfect Jinchurikki-to-be right there." Hinata glared. "Just lying on the ground, bawling next to his dead mother."

"Do you think I enjoyed it?" Minato asked. His voice was still perfectly calm and smooth, barely even a hint of menace. But she imagined he could retain that tone while slitting someone's throat. "Consigning my son to the company of a monster for the rest of his life? Painting a target on his back for whoever had just attacked me, leaving him an orphan? But I had to make the choice that saved the most lives." He sighed, crossing his arms. "I used the Reaper Death Seal. Sacrificed my soul. Split the Kyuubi in half, sealed one half deep within him and left the other just touching the surface. Passed off the key to the seal to a Toad summon, told it to give it to Jiraiya. The plan...well. I can hardly call it a plan. The hope was that it's chakra would slowly begin to bleed through once Naruto took up ninja training, that he could learn to harness it, maybe even co-operate with the Fox, though that's never been done before. I cut it in half both to weaken it and slow its progress in freeing itself, and in a last-ditch attempt to save Naruto should anyone attempt to steal the upper half."

Hinata nodded. "Hm. Well, actually, turns out that all worked perfectly."

"Oh, awesome, go me." Minato glanced sideways to his predecessor. "I also hoped that he would be viewed as a hero by the village, their bulwark against the demon. How'd that one work out?"

Hiruzen, to his credit, stood tall. He didn't slink away, cough awkwardly, try to make light of the situation or garner sympathy. "Ask, Hinata. I will answer."

So she did. Fists shaking by her sides, she asked the question she'd been meaning to ask since she was seven years old. "Why was Naruto treated like a monster by the village? Why did everyone despise him? Cheat him? Beat him? Why was the bare minimum done to protect him? Why was Jiraiya, his godfather, not there to protect him? Why were you not there? Why was he left alone?"

Hiruzen looked her in the eye. "I believe that you may already know. Have you ever noticed, in the early days, how quick he was to respond to positive reinforcement?"

"He was practically euphoric at the slightest shred of real respect." Hinata agreed, through gritted teeth.

"Precisely." Hiruzen nodded. "It was decided that a life of loneliness and abuse would make him more easily manipulated when the time came to use him."

Hinata moved, and her palm was resting on Hiruzen's forehead, and she was suddenly radiating more killing intent than anyone else in the room.

"He is a Person you sick fuck." She snarled.

"Hinata..." Orochimaru warned, looking genuinely afraid.

"I completely agree." Hiruzen replied, calmly. "I pushed for Naruto to be recognised as a hero, to be allowed to wear his father's last name with pride. But after the attack, the people were terrified and grieving. Danzo and his ilk were pulling strings in the background, and as I was retaking the position in my old age, there were many who doubted my suitability as Hokage. I was rebuffed, and had to remain silent or risk losing my position."

"Then you should have pushed harder." Hinata bit out.

"You're right again." He admitted. "There is much I should have done. Most specifically, I should have killed Shimura Danzo long before that night. I should have told the Raikage that I was having none of his pathetic attempts at deception; that he had sent kidnappers into my city and I had no intention of giving him any sacrifices from the Hyuuga clan. I should have told the Uchiha that I knew damn well what they were up to. Publicly. That if they wanted a confrontation they could come and challenge me for my position directly, instead of their cloak and dagger horse shit."

Spitting that last word out, he sounded almost as furious as Hinata felt. "Then why didn't you?" She demanded.

"Because I was weak." Hiruzen replied, simply. "Because Danzo had been my friend since childhood, because I had taught Fugaku and many others like him, because we had a tenuous peace with hidden Lightning I didn't want to jeopardise. Because I was unwilling to kill them when there was a chance I could 'talk no jutsu' them instead. And they knew that, and so they were able to get away with what they wanted." He sighed. "Make no mistake, Hinata. Being good is hard. When you align yourself with the light, you make yourself appear non-threatening. You refuse to access avenues of victory that your enemies will hurtle down without a second thought, and thus you put yourself at a disadvantage. My aspirations were high, but I was not strong enough to reach them, and I was too blinded by my mercy to take the low road. Instead, I forced others to pick up those burdens. Others like your cousin. Make no mistake, if a clan had to be massacred, I should have gone out there and done it myself."

"...Danzo was weaponising the Kotoamatsukami." Hinata said. "It's possible that he-"

"I won't try and 'cry Genjutsu'." Hiruzen snorted. "Danzo would never have dared to try that trick on me; he was always acutely aware of how far I could be pushed. I have no excuses, Hinata. Only apologies."

She lowered her head. There were tears in her eyes. "Do you have any idea what it was like for us?" She hissed. "How much we hurt?"

"I followed Naruto at least once a week. And sometimes followed you following him. Checked in on Sasuke, too, once in a while." Hiruzen said. "I know it was no help, but I made myself see everything that you went through. I deserved worse. If you decide to put me back in the Reaper's stomach, I will not protest."

Hinata stood there for almost a full second (which, at the speed they were all conversing, was practically an eternity). Then she shook her head, and pulled her hand away, stepping backwards. "No. I'm done with vengeance. And we didn't just pull you all out for a chat."

She looked at all of them. "We've got two incredibly powerful Uchiha to kill."

"Yes." Tobirama breathed.

"Orochimaru, go to this location." Hinata tossed a genjutsu of a map at him. "The Kage are there. Still alive, but barely. Fix them up, get them back on their feet, get them to the warfront."

"Do I look like a medic-nin?" He gave her an offended look.

"You're a genius who's doctorate level in at least five different subjects. You have Wood Release, Senjutsu, the second biggest jutsu arsenal in this room, and your arms back." She deadpanned. "I'm sure you'll manage."

"Hmph. Fine." Ego satiated, he vanished.

"As for the rest of you," she turned to the Hokage. "I'm...fully aware that I'm in no position to give you orders, my chances aren't super against any one of you in a straight fight. But, uh, the fighting's sort of that way." She pointed. "You're looking for the explosions and the giant monsters. Do what you want, I guess."

Hashirama smiled in a very Naruto-like way. "Well, I appreciate the freedom. Fellow Hokage?"

"Fuck yeah I want to kill some Uchiha."

"If my village is in danger I will always rise to protect it."

"Damn right I'm down. Obito's my student, my problem."

"Then let's do this!" Hashirama cracked his knuckles. "I hereby officially reform Big Dick Squad!"

There was a pause, in which Tobirama slammed his palm into his face. "Brother. Why."

"If they're on my team they're on Big Dick Squad. Them's the rules."

"You've been doing this since the Warring States period, come on, bro-"

"TO BATTLE!"

Three of the Hokage vanished from the room.

Minato, however, paused, turning to stare at Hinata for a long moment.

"Did I miss something?" She asked.

"Hm? Oh, no, it's just..." He chuckled. "It's good to see someone so concerned for my son's wellbeing."

"If I don't get outraged on his behalf, who will? Certainly not him." Hinata smiled. "None of us deserve him...Hiruzen may have been too weak to pull off the high road, but I assure you Naruto is not. Oh, fuck, speaking of his well-being, we'd better get moving."

"What's wrong?" Minato asked.

"We took too long." Hinata sighed, summoning the Vishnu and it's wings. "Our two enemies have come together."


The Ten-Tails roared.

Perhaps it was wrong to call it such; it wasn't fully manifested yet, but it would clearly be wrong to call it the 'Gedo Mazo' anymore. With the Kyuubi chakra (half of it, at least), the statue was now moving. It was crying out, growing, changing. It was alive.

Behind Obito, there was a series of explosions as the Thousand Armed Buddha continued to wreak havoc upon the Konoha ninja, and he sighed.

"Come on, hurry up..." he muttered to himself.

There were three different reasons he could have been saying that, and one of those possibilities came first.

With a thunk, Madara Uchiha's boots dropped onto the stone behind him.

"Sup, boss. Good to finally meet you. How're the Kage?" Obito asked, not looking up.

"Not very well, at the moment." Obito could feel the killing intent radiating from the man. "What's going on, Obito?"

"Yes, thanks, it is good to see me too, how nice of you to say..." Obito straightened, and turned to face the man who owned him. "I had to improvise. There was a problem."

"Let me guess." Madara scowled. "Were you related to the problem?"

"Not biologically, nor carnally, but we were sorta having a little 'fling'. Secret Rendezvouses in caves, plans for world domination-"

"Cut the nonsense." Madara warned him. "Edo Tensei rather than Rinne Tensei. An incomplete Ten-Tails. You're only wielding one Rinnegan. What's. Going. On?"

"Calm down." Obito rolled his eyes. "Curb your suspicion. It's not like I could ever betray you..." He turned back to the Juubi. "A guy had already rezzed you with the Edo Tensei before I got the Rinnegan. He's dead now, don't worry. I figured I'd use the opportunity and work with him, since I was up against the entire damn planet."

"You could have resurrected me anyway."

"I could have."

"Then why haven't you?"

Obito bit back the retort, and the killing intent that would come with it that might get him murdered. Instead, he focused on forming a reply that would convince the genius demigod. If he orders me to cast the Rinne Tensei right now, I'll have to obey. Fuck that.

"Risk Management." He said, simply. "These people are dangerous, even to people like me and you. Particularly the Uzumaki boy; he's developing new powers practically every second, and when I ripped half a Bijuu out of him he was just fine. If I'd rezzed you before the war you'd have been alone against the world, mortal, and still down two Bijuu. If I rez you now, you're alone against the entire world, mortal, with no Bijuu at all to draw upon." He pointed back to the Ten-Tails. "We have less than a minute before that thing matures. I don't want to risk blowing all this before that happens."

"Your proposition?" Madara asked, showing no inclination for or against.

Obito gestured back the other way, at Naruto Uzumaki. "We kill his ass, put the rest of the Kyuubi where it belongs, and kill as many of them as possible while you can still fight risk-free. Then we sicc the Ten-Tails on anyone left, I tell you where I put the other Rinnegan, rez you with Rinne Tensei, you mantle the Juubi, GG."

Madara stood there for a full second. Then said "Fine. What are we waiting for?"

Obito smiled a brittle smile, relieved. "Nothing. Now we-"

"Bad news, gentlemen."

Obito froze as the sickening, lazy voice came from behind him, sounding for all intents and purposes like it was right in his ear. Turning, he saw his shadow, stretching out behind him in the dim light of the late evening. There was a grin and two yellow eyes floating in the darkness.

"Zetsu." He grit out. "I gave you a job."

"Master." Black Zetsu acknowledged, looking at Madara, then "Pawn." at Obito, his smirk widening. "You did, but I was bored and you were in trouble. Yes, I was following the Byakugan girl as you instructed. Therein arose the problem. She has used the Edo Tensei to ressurect the first four Hokage. They are on their way now."

"What?" Obito hissed out loud. "That isn't-" He paused, and sucked in a breath. "Rule one of being a ninja; never assume anything is impossible." He turned to Madara. "See why I was being cautious?"

"Oh, no, it was a wise decision." Madara flexed his shoulders. "I suppose that the fools and weaklings I fought before were warmup enough for some real Kage. Prepare yourself."

"Preparing." Obito tossed over Madara's war fan, which he caught without looking back, before asking, "Right, question. If I'm going to be fighting Hashirama, can you tell me how to recognise his Wood Clones?"

Madara tensed. "That won't be necessary. I will deal with him myself."

"Yeah but the whole 'duplicating himself' business will make it pretty hard for you to isolate him." Obito pointed out. "They say you were the only one who could ever tell his clones apart from the real him. We have the same dojutsu, I should be able to do it too. We're playing it safe, right?"

Madara scowled. He looked away, and muttered something.

Obito tilted his head. "What?"

"...'s h...ck b...r." The legendary Uchiha repeated, slightly louder.

"Come again?"

"He makes his dick bigger!" Madara snapped, glaring at nothing in particular. If Edo Tensei summons could blush, he probably would be.

Obito stared. "...Excuse me?"

"It's easy enough to tell if he's standing next to one, the bul...it's visible, through the armour." Every word seemed to be physically painful for Madara to say. "When he creates the clones he makes them exactly identical to him; except their dicks are a few inches bigger."

"But...why?" Obito asked, genuinely confused.

"Because he was a fucking idiot." Madara snarled. "He could make them completely identical to him if he wanted, but no. Deliberately weakening himself for the sake of a joke...it was the kind of thing he always did, and I despised it. Things like stopping in the middle of the fight to crack a joke, wasting time shouting overly long jutsu names, he...he just made a joke out of everything he did."

Obito, through great effort, was able to stop himself laughing.

"I was only able to get him to take the fight seriously once in his entire life." Madara gripped the war fan so tightly Obito was worried he might snap it. "And that was on the day he killed me."

There was a very dramatic pause.

Obito nodded. Then said "Surely...in order to have a frame of reference to notice that...you'd have had to, like, actually see his-"

"We're moving on now."

"Like, clothes off-"

"Go and Fight, Obito."

Obito obeyed.


"AAAAAA-"

"Focus! Naruto!"

"Right, sorry!"

Naruto summoned another five shadow clones, as the set he had defending his teammates had all gotten themselves popped.

A small part of him was very amused that his teammates included his two senseis, the most fearsome taijutsu specialist in Konoha, and the current Hokage, and that he was currently the one pulling all the weight in the fight.

That part of him was overwhelmed by the more pressing Hagoromo's Left Testicle, Yamato, since when could you do this!

The Buddha had a thousand arms (with which it would slap the shit out of anyone that got close) and five heads (which were constantly spewing out blasts of all five elements) and it was almost as big as his Kyuubi transformation. Yamato did not have the chakra nor the affinities to do this, which meant that whatever strange thing was attached to him, it was powering him up. Can the other Zetsu do this? How the-no, focus, fight it now, theorise later.

"I think I can take it!" He shouted. "If I can Rasengan barrage it it'll go down, but I'll need y'all to distract the heads! But, dammit, we need to get past it, not kill it! This is taking too long!"

He could feel the chakra emanating off the Gedo Mazo. Or more appropriately, the thing that it had become. For the first time in...maybe ever, he was fighting something with a bigger chakra dick than him. No, I'm not concerned by that. Not at all.

Want to activate the avatar again? Kurama offered.

I'm worried they'll just pull me out, or find a way to get in. Power Ranger effect; it's great against big things and crowds, not so great against powerful little things. And, yeah, there's Obito coming back to fight.

We still have sage mode, right?

Only for so long. I'll set more clones running to absorb some more chakra.

The situation was rapidly approaching dangerous levels of hopeless. Naruto jumped in front of a blast of fire aimed at a recovering Tsunade, expanding a chakra-hand from his cloak (hey, I can do that in small mode now!) to catch it. It slammed into him and he grimaced, sliding back along the ground, then looked up in fear as about twenty of the Buddha's hands curled into fists, streaking downwards towards him and making him flinch this is gonna hurt-

There was an explosion, and a notable absence of an impact.

Naruto opened his eyes to see a flash of pink hair, and a hailstorm of wooden splinters being blasted away from him.

Sakura Haruno turned around, shaking out her fist, and gave him a flat look. "Honestly, I'd hoped you'd have become at least a little less of a dumbass." She told him. The seal on her forehead matched Haku's and Tsunade's, fully matured. "How many times do we have to tell you you don't have to do this alone before it gets through your thick skull?"

Naruto gave her a relieved grin. "Well, I was too dumb to notice you coming up behind me, so-"

He stopped, blinked, and turned around, as he started actually using those Sage-Kyuubi senses to focus on things other than the immediate threats.

What he saw was tens of thousands of ninja charging in from the wasteland behind him.

Ino, Shika, Cho, Tenten, lee, Darui, everyone. Because of course they were.

"Sasuke, I could kiss you." Naruto breathed, before breaking out into laughter. The Zetsu, alone, weren't really that strong. When all the reanimated ninja vanished (and with Naruto's clones assisting) clearing up the remnants of the army would have been a piece of cake. And now, they were all here.

Kyuubi? I have a crazy idea.

Oh, Sage. What now?

Naruto summoned a few dozen clones, and sent them out to meet the approaching reinforcements. Then he turned to his saviour, smirking. "Hey, Sakura. Speaking of not doing this all by myself. Wanna hold hands~?"

Her eyes narrowed. "What kinda question-"

"Just do it. AND THAT GOES FOR ALL OF YOU!"

Backing out of range of the Buddha (with Obito watching in amusement from atop it), Naruto linked himself with Sakura, Tsunade, Jiraiya, Kakashi and Gai. Further back, his clones started doing the same thing with every ninja they could reach.

"Alright, guys. Fair warning: I have no idea if this is going to work." He closed his eyes. How much chakra we got left?

Just switched to the untapped Yin half, remember? We have chakra for days.

Chakra for days?

Chakra for days.

Then let's use it. Remember how you said you could share it freely between the shadow clones?

...Oh, you are crazy.

No more complaining, HEAVE-

A simplified, weaker red aura sprang up around him. Then he let it spread across to Sakura, and Tsunade, and all the others, as his clones began to do the exact same thing with the rest of the Shinobi Alliance.

There wasn't one ninja in ten that didn't gasp as the Bijuu chakra coursed into their system.

"Holy-" Sakura muttered,

"Fucking-" Jiraiya breathed.

"Shit." Tsunade exclaimed, as Naruto amped literally everyone in the alliance with a one-tail cloak, buffing their chakra, speed and strength by about twice what the average ninja had (with a little extra for the people he knew personally.)

Alright, assholes! Kurama roared in all their heads. Hope that's enough stimulation for you all to get it up! Who's ready for round two?

"Why does he have to phrase it like that?" Sakura groaned.

We have four targets; the Buddha, Obito, Madara, and the Ten Tails. The last one is the primary objective, the first three are defending it, and the second two will kill anyone who wasn't Kage level before the amp. Think you can distract Woody for us so we can get in there and do our jobs?

There was a roar of approval from the army, who began running forwards.

That's what I thought!

"LET'S DO THIS, LOSERS!" Naruto called out. "FOR KONOHA! FOR THE WHOLE DAMN SHINOBI WORLD! FOR FREEDOM!"

"THIS IS THE MOST YOUTHFUL THING I'VE EVER SEEN!" Gai was literally crying.

"I regret...So many of the choices I have made." Obito sighed. "Madara? Come help me with this?"

Madara rolled his eyes, and calmly walked forwards.


New characters means new characterisations, and you'll notice that Madara's is mostly 'sick of everyone else's bullshit'.

I hope this chapter did a good job of highlighting what everyone's plans are, why they're acting the way they are, and who's doing what where. Next chapter is where the real fighting starts. Also, fuck, Naruto just has a shitton of chakra doesn't he? Like, it's not even funny. I'd be interested to read a work where a certain character has literally unlimited magical power, but is limited in how much of it they can output at any one time, so has to just try and find the best way to use as much of it as quickly as possible.

Oh, wait, that's literally just Naruto. My bad.