A/N: This is a much longer chapter so strap in. I didn't mean for it to get so long but this is probably one of my favorite chapters that I've written so far. More author notes at the end :)
"So, we're not going back for Christmas this year?" Derek asked, frustrated. They already missed out on Thanksgiving with the Shepherds. At the time, Derek had an emergency surgery to work on and it just didn't end up working out.
"I'm sorry," Addison apologized sincerely. "I didn't realize that when I signed up to help with the Safe Surrender program that it was going to be over Christmas Eve,"
Neither of them was necessarily excited to go back to Connecticut for Christmas, but it was a family tradition. After a few weeks of fertility treatments, Addison still wasn't pregnant. After going through the cycle twice, they both mutually decided it'd be best to take a short break. They were exhausted and frustrated by the whole ordeal and said they'd wait a week. Then, they'd re-evaluate and possibly look into surrogacy or adoption if they were ready to accept they couldn't have one on their own.
"Mom's gonna kill me this time," Derek lamented, dreading the inevitable phone call.
"Tell her sorry for me," Addison yelled out from the closet as she continued getting dressed for work.
Later that day, Derek made the call. And she wasn't happy to hear it.
"You already missed Thanksgiving," Carolyn argued from the other end of the line.
"I know," Derek said. "I'm sorry, Addison tried but she can't get out of it,"
It was the truth. Addison did try to get out of it. She talked to Charlotte but after she basically got guilt-tripped, she had to admit defeat.
"Are we ever going to see you again?" Carolyn asked, jokingly. Though, they both knew she wasn't really joking.
"We just saw you a few months ago!" Derek chuckled along.
"Yeah, but what about your sisters?" Carolyn asked. "They miss you too, you know,"
"I know," Derek sighed. "I promise we'll take a trip over when we can,"
"When we can," Carolyn said back, mockingly. She knew full-well that they'd never have the time. Or make the time, for that matter.
"I'm sorry, Mom. We both are," Derek apologized again. There wasn't really much more to say. With five kids, all of which were doctors, Carolyn knew the drill by now. But she still wanted to see her kids (as well as all her grandkids) over the holidays. Usually, it wouldn't be too much to ask because everyone lived relatively close. Or at least close enough. That is, until now. LA had a whole other time zone, which made things infinitely more complicated.
"So, how'd she take it?" Addison asked Derek later that night as they got ready for bed.
"As well as expected," Derek said, his mouth full of toothpaste as he continued brushing his teeth.
"You did tell her I was sorry, right?" Addison asked.
"Yes," Derek chuckled as he spits into the sink.
On the morning of Christmas Eve, Addison woke up early, too early, to her pager buzzing on the bedside table. In fact, it was barely morning. When her pager buzzed, Derek stirred slightly, but Addison kissed him softly on the forehead and ran a hand gently through his hair to calm him. Then, Addison got ready as quietly as she could and headed off to volunteer with Pete for the Safe Surrender program.
Later, Derek woke up to the doorbell ringing. When he checked his alarm clock, it read 6:04. He didn't usually have to get up until at least 7:00. It was the one thing he loved about working for Oceanside, the fact that they didn't open until eight in the morning. Regardless, who was coming over this early in the morning anyway?
When Derek went down to answer the door, he was surprised to see his entire side of the family standing outside the front door.
"Surprise!" they all exclaimed, excitedly once Derek opened the door.
"What are you all doing here?" Derek asked as he began the onslaught of hugs with his sisters, in-laws, nieces, and nephews.
"Well, you said you couldn't come this year so we decided we'd come to you!" Nancy explained as if it were a small thing to fly across the country to see him.
"You couldn't come a little later in the day?" Derek asked, still a little groggy from just waking up.
"Nope!" Amelia chimed in, laughing at Derek's still sleepy state.
After shuffling all the Shepherds in with the myriad of presents they brought along with them, Carolyn got started cooking breakfast as Derek went upstairs to get changed and cleaned up. When he came back down, everyone was chatting as Carolyn was finishing up making pancakes for breakfast. Not long afterward, Derek and his sisters found themselves plating pancakes and passing them out to the kids first. They may all be in LA in a much smaller house than they're used to, but the routine was the same. And it was oddly comforting.
"So, where is Addison anyway?" Lizzie asked as she took a bite out of her pancake.
"Safe Surrender program," Derek said, pouring himself a cup of coffee. "She got called in early this morning but she's probably at the hospital or the office already,"
"Will we get to see your office, Uncle Derek?" Matthew, one of Derek's nephews, asked.
"Of course, we will," Carolyn chimed in before Derek had a chance to respond.
Instead of arguing, Derek accepted defeat. Thankfully, not everyone was coming to the office. There just wouldn't be any logical way to do that. So, most of the kids and his in-laws stayed back at Derek and Addison's place. But Derek's sisters and, of course, his mother, insisted on coming. The only kid that ended up coming along was Matthew, who wouldn't take no for an answer. The other kids could care less about seeing the office.
After they finished breakfast, they made their way to the office. On the entire drive over, Derek kept thinking about it in his head. Addison left so early that morning, who knew what state she'd be in? She wouldn't be happy about this either, he thought. But it was too late to do all that much about it.
When they got to the office, they made their way up the elevator. They were all greeted by Dell at the front desk, who was surprisingly good at getting everyone to keep the noise to a minimum without it sounding incredibly rude. All these years and Derek couldn't even do that.
"Is Addison here?" Derek asked.
"No, she's at the hospital," Dell said.
"Wow," Sam commented as he and Naomi came out from around the corner.
"Looks like the whole Shepherd clan came out this year" Naomi exclaimed as she and Sam went on to greet and hug everyone.
"So, I guess we missed Addie," Kathleen commented.
"Oh yeah," Naomi added. "She's still at the hospital. Long night,"
After Derek gave everyone a brief tour and introduced everyone to the rest of the doctors (sans Pete, who was at the hospital with Addison), they all headed to St. Ambrose to see Addison. When they got there, Charlotte greeted them and guided them to the NICU, where Addison was with a baby she saved earlier that morning.
"You gonna stay here all day?" Pete started yawning as he checked his watch. It was already noon and they'd been awake for almost 12 hours straight.
"He should get to feel wanted for at least one day," Addison cooed as the baby finished off his bottle.
"Especially since it's Christmas Eve," Addison added as she stood up with the baby still in her arms as she placed him back into the incubator.
"Well, Merry Christmas, Addison," Pete added before leaving the room. When he opened the door, he was surprised to see Officer Nelson already there.
"Sorry," Kevin chuckled as he moved aside to let him out.
"Don't worry about it," Pete said as he left the room.
"Hey," Addison said, looking up.
"How's the little guy doing?" Kevin asked as he put on a facemask and some scrubs over his clothes.
"He's okay," Addison said, smiling down at the baby as Kevin walked over to get a closer look.
"He needs to be observed for a while longer but all things considering, he's good," Addison explained further.
"Yeah, it looks like he got his color back," Kevin chuckled as they both continued looking at the baby. He'd been nearly blue that morning when Addison and Pete found him and his mother in the park. Unfortunately, his mother wasn't so lucky as she'd already started bleeding out. Addison worked on trying to save her for a while, certainly longer than most doctors probably would, but it was unfortunately futile.
"Were you able to find her family?" Addison finally asked.
"No," Kevin laid his head down low slightly. "We couldn't find anything about her. I'm sorry about that, Addison,"
As they continued talking and routinely looking back at the now snoozing baby, Derek and the rest of the Shepherd clan got there, watching as Addison talked to Kevin.
"Who's the hottie?" Amelia asked.
"Officer Nelson. One of Addison's friends," Derek said as he looked down and cringed slightly.
"What's wrong? You don't like the hot cop?" Liz teased.
"Leave him alone, girls," Carolyn said, noticing how much it all bothered Derek.
"It's fine," Derek sighed slightly. "He just clearly has a thing for her,"
"So what?" Amelia added. "Your wife's hot, everyone has a thing for her,"
Before anyone could say anything else, they saw Kevin walk out of the room.
"Oh hi, Dr. Shepherd," Kevin greeted.
"Hi," Derek said back, faking a smile as Kevin walked past everyone and disappeared around the hallway.
After he left, everyone saw Addison coming out, giving them the perfect opportunity.
"Surprise!" Everyone shouted once Addison came out.
"Oh my God," Addison laughed slightly and started hugging everyone periodically. "What are you all doing here?"
"Well, since you couldn't come back home for the holidays, we thought we'd come out here and see all LA has to offer," Nancy said, gesturing to the bleak hospital hallway.
Addison just smiled back. LA was beautiful but St. Ambrose certainly wasn't very convincing. Throughout their time here, Derek and Addison made it a point to sightsee a little whenever they could. At least every two weeks, they agreed. They haven't seen too much aside from multiple different beaches and swanky new restaurants, but it was a start.
With their plans of wanting to start a family soon, they decided they'd wait until they were parents before they went to Disneyland. It'd be a magical experience for all of them, Derek said. And it was something Addison just had to agree with.
"John says he's ordering food for all of us and the kids if we all want to meet back at your place," Nancy informed them all after she hung up the phone.
"Sounds great," Derek said, not wanting to argue. They usually just ate in the kitchen at the office but how could he say no to his family on Christmas Eve? Especially after they all traveled this far. Plus, it was supposed to be their day off. The only reason why they were here was to see Addison.
As everyone shuffled out, Derek looked back to see Addison, who was obviously lost in thought and almost frozen where she stood.
"Addie?" Derek asked as he gently put a hand on her shoulder. This seemed to wake Addison up from her brief trance.
"Sorry," Addison said, snapping back to reality.
"Are you okay?" Derek asked, softly.
"Yeah," Addison sighed as she tried to give him a small smile. "It's just been a long night. Or morning,"
"Yeah," Derek said softly, gently rubbing the small of her back as he led her towards the elevator. He wasn't sure what happened exactly, but he could tell she lost a patient. There was a heaviness in her eyes that he couldn't quite explain. One that differed from the pure exhaustion he could tell she felt.
By then, the rest of the family already left in a separate elevator. So now, it was just the two of them. Knowing that Addison was still reeling from everything that morning, he pulled her closer and continued rubbing circles on her back, and let her rest her head in the crook of his neck. Once she leaned in, she started to cry, gently.
She was still trying to be strong but also knew she wouldn't be able to keep it in for much longer. They both knew they had to face the rest of the family again soon enough but they also knew they needed this moment. Addison needed it to grieve, even if it was just for ten seconds.
Right before the elevator dinged, Addison fixed her posture and cleaned herself up slightly to look a little more presentable to the Shepherds, who were all waiting for them when the doors opened.
After that, they all made their way to Derek and Addison's place where they were greeted by all of the other nieces and nephews. After saying all their hellos to everyone, Addison excused herself to grab a quick shower before lunch. A while later, Derek excused himself and made his way upstairs to check on Addison, who was drying her hair when he got there.
"What are you doing up here?" Addison said, turning off the blow dryer.
"I just thought I'd check on you," Derek said solemnly as he sat on the bed.
"I'm fine," Addison insisted as she brushed out the last few tangles in her hair while walking toward him.
"I know," Derek smiled, making her smile and blush back. "I just wanted to be sure,"
Addison leaned in to kiss him sweetly, which he immediately deepened in return. As much as she wanted to keep going, she cut it short knowing that everyone was waiting for them downstairs. But first, she kept her hands on Derek's face and touched noses with him. She'd done that since med school and it became their thing. A small, but private thing between the two of them. They never talked about it or anything like that, but Derek knew he still had her whenever she did it.
Admittedly, it'd been a while since the last time. And Derek breathed it in and let them stay like that for another moment longer. Shortly afterward, Addison guided Derek up, dragging her hand from his cheek over his shoulders and down his arm until her hand eventually got to his, where he squeezed it gently.
Together, they walked downstairs, ready to face the rest of the Shepherds. They both loved the family, but being with them for the holidays was exhausting. Especially now that they were all stuffed in their small home. It was one thing when Carolyn hosted but another with Derek and Addison hosting. And even though it was Christmas time, this was LA. There wasn't any snow here, and the weather, while it was colder, may as well have been a summer's day to everyone else.
Plus, this was a surprise visit. They weren't prepared to host this many people. Addison was more worried about this than Derek, who'd always been more relaxed when hosting in the past. When they hosted Thanksgiving that one year, Derek brushed off the fact that the turkey was inedible. He just went out and got hot dogs and saved the day. Addison hated how easy it was for Derek to just relax and handle something like that so easily. She hated that he didn't realize how hard that day was for her even more.
But today, Derek could see how the morning already wore Addison down. She was still beautiful and it wasn't a particularly noticeable difference. But he could see it. Saying she was exhausted might as well be an understatement at this point. She needed a constant stream of caffeine to keep up with everyone, which Derek happily supplied. As hard as that morning was for her, seeing all their nieces and nephews playing around their living room helped. Then again, seeing happy kids always cheered her up.
Despite everyone's ability to just relax, Addison couldn't help but feel like they should be doing more to entertain them. It was the Forbes-Montgomery in her, she supposed. But she didn't end up getting much time to worry about it because before long, the delivery guys rang the doorbell and everyone gathered around for lunchtime. They all made easy conversation and asked about the kids, work, and all the other topics they'd always circle around whenever they all got together.
It'd been almost a full year since Addison (and Derek, for that matter) saw everyone other than Carolyn. When they lived in New York, they used to see his sisters all the time. Now, they'd send emails back and forth and call each other on the phone from time to time. But it was nowhere near the same as it used to be. As much as Addison missed Derek's sisters, she knew LA was the right move for them. Even if everyone else didn't seem to agree.
"I still don't get why you guys moved all the way out here," Nancy commented as she took a sip of her water.
The room grew quieter as Derek and Addison looked at each other. They knew why but explaining it to other people proved to be harder than they thought. After all, Carolyn came all the way out here months ago to figure out just that. Granted, Carolyn finally understood after seeing how happy this place made Addison. How happy it made both of them, really. But it took some time for her to finally understand. And even then, Derek and Addison still weren't convinced she was happy about them being here.
"We needed a fresh start," Addison finally said. They all knew about the mess of the past two years. The affair with Mark and then again with Meredith. New York had been their home, but with everything that happened with Mark, they couldn't go back. Then it was Seattle, where everyone heard about Derek and his little intern. Before Addison came to try to win him back, Derek insisted on Meredith being the real thing. Carolyn even believed him when he said it. But his sisters knew better. Despite the hurt and the anger, Addison was still the one for him. No matter how hard he tried to push her away.
It was a simple statement, but they all understood. Seattle was supposed to be their fresh start, at least that's what Derek said. But there was no way that'd ever happen with Meredith around. The truth was Derek thought Meredith would be his fresh start. He thought he could move on, that what Addison did was so terrible that he shouldn't have to try with her. At least that's how he rationalized it at the time. But he could see the hurt in Addison's eyes when he continued to be distant. When he continued to be indifferent.
Even worse, he saw it when he came back to the trailer to find Addison pulling out Meredith's panties from his suit pocket. He knew, better than anyone, how much that hurt. She may not have caught them in bed together, but she may as well have. After that night in New York, he didn't think he could ever forgive Addison for what she did. He couldn't fathom how someone could just do that to another person. That is until he did the same.
He knew his feelings for Meredith were real, and he knew he wasn't really trying with Addison. Despite his best efforts to convince himself and everyone else (Addison especially) that he was. But he never meant to take things that far. When he did, he regretted it instantly. It was a mistake. It sounded stupid coming out of his mouth the same way it felt hearing Addison say it before. But it didn't make it any less true.
"So, are you ever coming back to New York?" Kathleen asked, bluntly. "I mean, I know there's a lot of history there, but it feels like the end of an era,"
Derek and Addison looked at each other. The honest truth was they didn't know. They were happy here but they never talked about settling here permanently. Addison knew she wanted to stay here indefinitely but they still hadn't figured out stuff for Derek yet. He was happy to focus on all things baby for the time being and she knew he'd make a great father. But Carolyn said herself last time that LA, the practice, wasn't enough for him.
Derek's other sisters as well as his in-laws glared at her. Kathleen had a real habit of poking the bear and psychoanalyzing everyone. She'd chalk it up to being part of the job but they were almost all doctors. And they'd known enough psychiatrists to know that not every therapist was like her.
"What?" Kathleen asked, innocently, feeling everyone glare at her. "It's a valid question!"
"I don't know," Addison answered for the both of them. "We haven't really figured it all out yet,"
Derek looked down, somewhat solemnly, in response to Addison's answer. The truth was he didn't want to go back to New York. He wasn't sure if Addison wanted to but he knew she was happy here. That they were happy here. But Derek didn't know if he could stay here forever. The practice was nice but he couldn't help but feel utterly bored all day. He missed the rush of working in a hospital. A great hospital. He missed the constant surgeries, the challenge of risky surgeries. Here, it felt like an eternity since his last procedure.
"Well, it doesn't look like Derek wants to stay here," Amelia commented, bluntly.
When no one glared at her, Kathleen found it a little insulting.
"So, Amy can say whatever she wants but not me?" Kathleen asked rhetorically, frustrated.
Amelia just shrugged and chuckled slightly as everyone else stayed relatively quiet. After a while, one of the kids came up to John, Nancy's husband, to clean up her now empty plate.
"Aunt Addison," Sophie asked, looking up at the redhead, her eyes widened.
"Yes?" Addison asked, kneeling down to Sophie's height. She couldn't resist the sweet four-year-old's big brown eyes.
"Can we play on the beach?" Sophie asked, looking out to Derek and Addison's backyard.
"Of course!" Addison said, giggling slightly. "Did you bring a swimsuit?"
When the little brown-haired girl nodded excitedly back, Addison held out her hand for Sophie to hold and went towards the luggage to find her swimsuit. The rest of the adults just smiled back watching them. It wasn't soon after until the rest of the kids insisted they wanted to swim too and started going through their luggage for their swim clothes.
Having the beach as their backyard ended up being a godsent this holiday season. The house was tiny compared to the Shepherd's family home. And they couldn't go out to play in the snow like they usually did. But the kids thought the beach was pretty cool. And the adults definitely saw the appeal of it as well. After a few hours of the kids playing in the water and digging their hands and feet into the sand, they finally tired out. Their parents gave each kid a bath, one at a time, in Derek and Addison's two bathrooms and most of them went down for a nap. The older ones, however, stayed up and did other things to preoccupy them.
After the kids went for their nap, Carolyn and some of the Shepherd sisters helped her start dinner. While everyone was outside at the beach, Carolyn borrowed Derek's car to go grocery shopping. Derek and Addison's living room went back to casual chatter as everyone relaxed for the evening now that the little ones were asleep. And Addison, despite her three cups of coffee, was definitely still trying to act more awake than she felt.
"So, you have a cop friend," Liz said, bluntly as she not so subtly implied there was something going on.
"Yes," Addison said, giving a small smile back.
"Derek doesn't seem to like him," Kathleen commented,
"I didn't realize I needed his permission," Addison quipped.
"What do you have against hot cop anyway?" Amelia turned to Derek, who looked back innocently as if he weren't listening to the conversation.
"Is it just 'cause he's hot?" Amelia continued. "I'll take him if you want,"
"Amy!"Carolyn scolded. Addison couldn't help but laugh slightly. She loved that the youngest Shepherd rarely ever had a filter.
"Derek says he has a thing for you," Liz commented.
"He does not have a thing for me," Addison chuckled. "We're just friends,"
"How does one become friends with a hot cop anyway?" Amelia continued joking despite Carolyn and Derek's glares toward her.
"Well, it's simple. You just help a cop's dead partner's widow give birth in a water bath," Addison joked. Unfortunately, the rest of the family didn't find it as amusing.
"But seriously though, Addie, it might not be a good idea if Derek doesn't like him,"
"We're just friends," Addison insisted, brushing off all their concerns. "Derek knows that,"
"I wouldn't be so sure about that," Kathleen interjected.
When Addison looked over to Derek, he fiddled with his hands slightly and didn't look at her. And it was then that Addison realized he wasn't okay with it, Hadn't they already gone through this months ago? Wasn't it enough last time when she assured him when Archer came to visit?
"Derek," Addison said softly as Derek slowly looked up at her, "Nothing's going on, I promise,"
"Well, you can't really blame him, right?" Amelia commented.
The room grew quiet for a minute. They all knew about Addison's affair with Mark. It was hard not to, especially after Derek ran off to Seattle. Plus, given how often Nancy saw Addison in New York, it was hard not to notice that she and Mark stayed together after Derek left.
But they didn't know too much beyond that other than the fact that Addison followed Derek to Seattle months later and then ended up in LA another few months after that.
"That isn't fair," Addison finally said quietly.
"Why not? You cheated on him with his best friend!" Liz exclaimed.
"Oh come on," Nancy added. "It's Mark, he's like a rite of passage,"
Carolyn, Derek, and Amelia looked shocked, whereas Nancy could care less. Liz and Kathleen, however, decided it'd be best to stay quiet. She was right, they'd all slept with Mark at one point or another.
"Unbelievable," Derek sighed as he ran a hand through his hair.
"At least I didn't sleep with an intern, of all people," Addison muttered. Derek glared back at her.
"Dude," John and Andrew, Liz's husband, commented.
"Really? An intern? That's like the secretary equivalent for doctors!" Kathleen exclaimed,
"That was only after I caught her and Mark in our bed!" Derek argued back.
"So, sleeping with her and leaving her panties in your pocket for me to find after we got back together was what then?" Addison bit back. Part of her resisted saying anything at all. Bizzy and the Captain would have her head if they could see her now. But she'd had enough of everyone, Derek's family especially, always making her out to be the bad guy.
"Please tell me you didn't," Liz looked over at her brother, who sighed back.
"Wow," Nancy commented. "I didn't think you were the type,"
"What type?" Derek asked.
"You know, the guy that has an affair with their secretary," Kathleen answered for her. Everyone around nodded back in agreement. That is, except Addison who sulked in her chair.
"She wasn't a secretary," Derek growled.
"She might as well have been," Andrew added.
"Yeah, interns are basically secretaries for doctors," Joel, Kathleen's husband, added. Derek glared back at him.
The room grew quiet again. No one knew what to say. This clearly should've been a private conversation between Derek and Addison but it wasn't. There wasn't just one person responsible for where their marriage stood today. They were both liable. Instead of talking about it, they skated around it. It was easier that way, to pretend like they were okay. They loved each other but they didn't trust each other. And they both knew that it'd destroy their marriage beyond recognition one day. They just weren't ready to admit it. That is until now.
"So what are you two going to do?" Carolyn finally asked.
Derek and Addison looked at each, both afraid to speak. Or more accurately, afraid of what the other would say. They both had their affairs and neither trusted the other. Not fully. They blamed each other, even though they knew it was both their fault. But this betrayal buried deep within them couldn't stay down any longer. It was time for them to let out their inner beast.
"Are we really gonna do this?" Addison asked, knowing a fight would ensue. "Now? In front of everyone?"
"Yes, yes you are," Carolyn interjected. Everyone looked back at her, puzzled. "You two need to let it out,"
Carolyn didn't love the idea of fighting but she knew it might be the only way to fix Derek and Addison's marriage. They'd spent too much time walking on eggshells and trying to prove to themselves and everyone around them that they were fine. That they were great. Derek had always been that way, optimistic and looking at the world through rose-colored glasses. Carolyn never thought Addison was that kind of woman but perhaps Derek rubbed off on her. Derek and Addison knew she was right.
"Why Mark?" Derek started. "It could've been anyone. But he was my best friend! It wasn't bad enough that my wife cheated on me?!"
"I never meant for any of it to happen," Addison said, softly.
"It still didn't stop you," Derek muttered.
"Okay, you know what?" Addison got up from her seat, finally taking her stance. "I was alone. While you took every surgery possible and slept at the hospital, I came home to an empty bed,"
"So, you just thought it'd be a good idea to invite Mark into it," Derek argued back sarcastically.
"No," Addison bit back. "You sent Mark in your place every time you canceled our plans. Dinners, social events…everything,"
"I was working! Becoming a great surgeon doesn't happen overnight. You should know!" Derek defended himself.
"Well, I still managed to have some free time," Addison argued back.
They both sighed, they were already tired of fighting. Especially since it didn't seem like it was going anywhere.
"This is good," Kathleen interjected. "Keep going,"
"Now's not the time for you to overanalyze," Liz warned her.
"No, but Mom's right," Kathleen added. "You guys need to let it all out. Every stupid, messy, insulting thing you can think of that you're keeping inside. You guys aren't gonna make it if you keep burying it,"
"How long was it going on?" Derek asked. "From med school?"
"What? No, of course not," Addison answered.
"Well, how am I supposed to know?" Derek continued. "We were all close, it's not like it's that crazy of a question,"
"Derek, no," Addison said adamantly. "Nothing happened back then. Mark's always been a flirt but I was in love with you. I always have been. I still am!"
"Well, you can't be that in love with me if you slept with him," Derek remarked. "If it was a one-night stand with a stranger, maybe I could forgive that. But Mark? There's no way it could've just been physical,"
"You mean like you and Meredith?" Addison quipped.
"Is that the slutty intern's name?" Nancy asked, just above a whisper.
"She's not a slut!" Derek argued.
"So, you can defend her but I can't do the same for Mark," Addison scoffed. "Great,"
"Meredith was a mistake, but I needed something to take my mind off of you," Derek tried to explain. "I was so angry, I couldn't think straight,"
"Who's to say Mark wasn't a distraction?" Addison added, "He was there when you weren't. He's not you but I was just so…lonely. All I wanted that entire year was for you to look at me, to show any kind of interest in me,"
"Well some of us have to actually work to become a world-class surgeon," Derek muttered.
"So, this is what this is about?" Addison scoffed. "You know as well as I do how hard I worked to get where I am,"
Everyone looked at Derek, stunned, as he sat there in silence, looking down. He didn't want to admit she was right, but he knew she was. Derek had to work twice as hard to get the credit and prestige in New York. Meanwhile, Addison was a superstar surgeon, and everyone knew it. And it largely had nothing to do with her Forbes-Montgomery moniker. While Seattle was a way for him to escape the deep betrayal and anger he felt from Mark and Addison's affair, it was also a way for him to finally get the praise he felt he deserved in his career. Richard made him head of the neurosurgery department. Seattle Grace became a place for him to shine, rather than his wife for a change.
"Unbelievable," Addison said, turning around frustrated as she ran a hand through her long, red hair.
"So, when you said Meredith was a fresh start…," Addison started, continuing to scoff. "What you really meant was she was a boost to your fragile male ego,"
Derek didn't say anything, but the glare he sent her said it all.
"Is that why you never came home? Why you practically avoided me at the hospital? Because you were jealous?" Addison couldn't help but start to chuckle. It was ridiculous. A little flattering, if she were completely honest. But crazy.
"You think this is easy for me?" Derek finally asked, standing up. "My wife was the head of two departments and Chief Langford would rarely even give me the time of day let alone make me the head of a department,"
"It doesn't mean you're not a great doctor," Addison insisted. "I never cared about titles, you know that,"
"But I do," Derek argued back, now aware of how petty it sounded. But it didn't change how he felt.
"And I'm not going anywhere here," Derek muttered. "I love you and I love how happy you are here. And I told you I'd make it work. But since it doesn't look like we're gonna have a baby anytime soon, I need more than this,"
"Wait, what baby?" Nancy interrupted him.
For a second, Derek forgot they were fighting with their family around.
"We were…trying to get pregnant," Addison explained. "But it doesn't look like it's gonna happen,"
Then, the argument and conversation came to a close. They were both already tired of fighting. But at least now, everything was out in the open. At least they knew where the other stood. Up till now, they'd been kidding themselves. In Seattle, Addison was the only one trying to fix what she felt like she broke. And she took responsibility for her mistake. Derek never did. Until now, that is. Addison felt crazy in the almost two years that led up to her affair. Of course, Derek was working hard. He was trying to get the chief job after Langford retired. If he'd ever retire, that is.
Trying to rationalize Derek's distant behavior didn't change the way she felt, however. Rather, it made her feel crazier. She knew why or at least thought she knew why Derek was never home. She knew how hard he worked, how important his career was to him. So, why did she feel so…alone? And why was Mark the only person she confided in?
Thinking back on it now, she knew she wasn't crazy. She admitted that jumping into bed with Mark was wrong. And she apologized over and over again, profusely. It never felt like enough, and no matter how hard she tried, she still felt like a failure. She felt like Derek tossing her out into the rain and leaving that night was well-deserved. For the longest time, she felt like it was all justified. Then came Seattle.
Seattle was a dumpster fire. They were only there for a year and it was still the worst year of her life. But Addison was proud of that chapter of her life. She fought for love, for Derek. She was still fighting for it. And after Derek cheated on her with Meredith, it looked like he was finally fighting for her too. It would've been nicer if it didn't take another cheating scandal for it to happen, but Addison forgave him for it. At least enough to move on.
Derek used to say Seattle was his "breath of fresh air". Well, that's what LA was for Addison. She didn't spend nearly as much time in an OR, but she didn't care as much as she thought she would. Tending to a small handful of patients had its draw and gave her a chance to really get to know her patients. With that came better patient care. But it wasn't enough for Derek.
He longed for the days of standing in an OR for hours on end, carving into a patient's brain. Something about being a surgeon fueled him. Derek needed that level of stimulation, that rush. He wanted to feel it again, that quiet but empowering focus he felt in the OR. There was something about it that made him feel powerful, and it fed into the ego that every surgeon had.
It wasn't enough to just sit in an office and deal with a few patients a week. Helping Addie with some administrative stuff helped fill out some of his time, but it wasn't enough. He needed to cut, to innovate. And he needed to feel like he was contributing to the medical field. Or at least that's what he told himself.
After some more time passed, quiet and casual conversation resumed. Nancy's kids were turning out to be quite the athletes apparently, with J.J joining the baseball team and little Gracie getting into soccer. Liz's kids, however, were apparently more into music and the performing arts. Matthew started piano lessons and Liz and Andrew insisted that even his piano teacher called him "impressive". Throughout the easier conversation. Derek and Addison stayed back listening quietly. And they continued staying relatively quiet for the rest of the evening through dinner. Eventually, it came time for everyone to leave. As beautiful as their beachfront was, they didn't have nearly enough space to let everyone stay. So, everyone left except Carolyn and Amelia, as there was a guest room as well as a not-yet set-up office space and an air mattress in their closet.
As Derek helped Amelia set up the air mattress, Addison went out to their back porch with a glass of wine for a chance to breathe. It'd been a long day. The morning was already longer than usual. Hosting the entire Shepherd family on a whim was unexpected. And as entertaining as her and Derek's fight must've been to them, it wasn't so fun for her. For either of them, really. It was needed for their relationship. They didn't say it out loud, but rather quietly to themselves.
As Amelia and Carolyn got ready for bed, Derek went back downstairs to see Addison still standing outside. The moon was out and their backyard beach view was breathtaking. Sometimes Derek forgot how beautiful this place really was. When he opened the back door, Addison turned around and gave him a small smile before turning back around to admire the night sky. As he saw the bottle of wine on the table, he picked it up and got the glass out of Addison's hand to refill her glass. Before he gave it back to her, however, Derek took a sip.
"Thank you," Addison said as Derek handed her back the glass.
Derek smiled back but they found themselves in a comfortable silence once again.
"So, where do we go from here?" Derek finally asked.
"I don't know," Addison said, honestly, as she turned her head slightly to look at him. "Where do you want us to go from here?"
When Derek didn't answer, Addison continued.
"Derek, I love you," Addison said. "And I'm trying here. You know that, don't you?"
"Of course, I do," Derek replied.
Another brief silence.
"I'm sorry," Derek finally spoke again. "You're a brilliant surgeon and I know it's not just because you're a Forbes Montgomery. And I shouldn't have said it was,"
"Thank you," Addison said, genuinely appreciative of his apology.
"Why didn't you ever tell me?" Addison asked. "I knew you wanted to be chief but you never told me how you felt about me or about…us,"
"I was embarrassed," Derek said, sheepishly. "What kind of husband is jealous of his own wife?"
Addison passed him her wine glass for a drink and gave him a sympathetic smile before opening her mouth to say something.
"I'm your wife," Addison finally said. "We're partners,"
"It didn't feel that way," Derek sighed. "I felt like a failure,"
"You are anything but a failure," Addison turned to fully face him. "I promise,"
Derek chuckled slightly and looked towards the floor for a moment as Addison wrapped her arms around his neck. When Derek looked back up, Addison placed her hands on his cheeks.
"I know LA hasn't been the right place for you, professionally speaking" Addison started. "But we'll find something for you,"
"What makes you think we'll find it?" Derek asked, unsure.
"We're Addison and Derek," Addison said, smiling. To which Derek chuckled back. "We'll figure it out. We always do,"
Derek leaned in and kissed her deeply as she slowly but surely moved her hands back around his neck.
A/N: Yes, I know the holidays have already well passed (at least at the time I wrote this) but I'm new to the fanfic world so I didn't already have anything prepared beforehand. I know the timing's different in this story compared to how everything happens in Private Practice, but in my defense, they never really celebrated holidays on that show. I wanted to include Derek's sisters at some point so what better way to do that than to just bring them all out to LA for the holidays? I initially wrote this chapter a while ago but then decided to rewrite most of it because I had a better idea. As cute as everything was before, I think Derek and Addison needed to fight it out a little to finally just be honest about everything. So I hope you guys like where I took it and where the story's going.
For everyone that wants more of Addison's family to come out, I promise you it's coming! It's not fully thought out yet but I do want them to come to LA eventually. I just need to figure out how I want Derek and her parents to interact and everything but I'll try not to make you all wait too long until then. Thanks to everyone that's been reading and following this story. The support means a lot to me and motivates me to write more 3
